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Speaker 1: This is John, this is Sam, your og Okay Storytime

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Speaker 1: podcast hosts.

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Speaker 2: And we have some spectacular stories coming up.

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Speaker 1: But real quick, we got a two minute break from

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Speaker 1: our lovely sponsors keeping this ship sailing.

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Speaker 2: I caught my boyfriend while I was on a substance

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Speaker 2: and it ruined my brain.

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Speaker 1: Sounds like a bad trip.

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Speaker 2: I eighteen females started dating Jason eighteen mail almost two

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Speaker 2: years ago. We had some breakups after we hit the

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Speaker 2: year mark, but we have been together for the majority

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Speaker 2: of the last two years. By the way, this comes

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Speaker 2: from Eternally Pink and if you want to submit your

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Speaker 2: own stories, go to the r slash Okay Storytime supperate it.

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Speaker 2: I'm Sophia, I'm doctor Kim.

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Speaker 3: And I'm Keon and our special guest here. Doctor Kim

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Speaker 3: Cronister is a licensed clinical psychologist, author and media commentator

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Speaker 3: with a doctorate from Alliant International University. Is that correct?

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Speaker 1: That's correct?

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Speaker 3: Lovely. She takes a strength based approach, focusing on client

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Speaker 3: strengths rather than weaknesses, and uses DBT, CBT and client

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Speaker 3: centered therapy. With experience in private practice, treatment centers and research,

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Speaker 3: she also performs complex psychological assessments. She's a respected expert.

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Speaker 3: Doctor Cronister has appeared on Axis, Hollywood, NBC News, Woman's Health,

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Speaker 3: and Live Strong. She's the author of Peak Mindset, The

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Speaker 3: New Science of Success and Fit Mentality, and offers life

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Speaker 3: coaching internationally and in Beverly Hills.

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Speaker 2: And we have a lot of international listeners. Yes, but

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Speaker 2: Op says he is a heavy asset user. He does

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Speaker 2: a tab a week and has been doing this for

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Speaker 2: the past six months. I told him I was worried

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Speaker 2: about how this could affect his brain, and he said

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Speaker 2: it wouldn't and that it helps him. Well, I mean

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Speaker 2: it would affect it. I have done troops before, but

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Speaker 2: never ACID. I've always said I wanted to wait until

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Speaker 2: my brain is fully developed so I don't damage it.

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Speaker 2: I have a four point zero GPA and I plan

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Speaker 2: on going to law school and becoming a lawyer. I

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Speaker 2: did ACID for the first time with him three weeks ago.

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Speaker 2: It was a pretty good trip and I enjoyed it.

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Speaker 2: We decided to trip again two days ago, and we did,

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Speaker 2: but something happened for context, Jason became friends with a

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Speaker 2: girl he previously had a crush on. While we weren't together,

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Speaker 2: they hung out in a group, but nothing happened since

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Speaker 2: we've been back together. I told him I'm insecure with

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Speaker 2: him snapping this girl. I just had a bad feeling

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Speaker 2: about her. He said he's lonely and wants friends, so

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Speaker 2: he continued. The trip two days ago was actually amazing.

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Speaker 2: For the first part, him and I bonded and I

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Speaker 2: felt very connected to him. While we were eight hours

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Speaker 2: deep into our trip and coming down, I looked at

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Speaker 2: his phone and my heart dropped. I saw that he

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Speaker 2: had secretly gone to that girl's house a few days before,

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Speaker 2: when he had lied and told me he was at

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Speaker 2: Dairy Queen with one of his guy friends. I also

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Speaker 2: saw that he was saving her selfies in chat, even

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Speaker 2: after I had expressed that them talking made me feel insecure.

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Speaker 2: Who knows what happened while they were together. I couldn't

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Speaker 2: believe what I was seeing. I ran into the storage

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Speaker 2: room with his phone and fell onto the floor sobbing.

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Speaker 2: I was still tripped and also very high off Devil's Lettus,

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Speaker 2: and I just started screaming, woh. I was screaming that

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Speaker 2: I couldn't believe he had done this to me, that

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Speaker 2: he didn't care about me. He was just on the

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Speaker 2: floor next to me with his hands on his head,

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Speaker 2: saying he was sorry. He didn't even excuse it. I

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Speaker 2: felt like I was being stabbed, like I was going

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Speaker 2: to pass away right there on the floor. I have

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Speaker 2: never felt the pain I felt right there. I really

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Speaker 2: thought I was going to marry this man, that he

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Speaker 2: was my soulmate. I ran back into the main room

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Speaker 2: to get away from him, and I kept looking at

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Speaker 2: the evidence on his phone. In disbelief, I threw his

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Speaker 2: phone against the wall and fell onto the floor. I

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Speaker 2: felt like I was going crazy. I almost got violent.

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Speaker 2: I was so mad, hurt, betrayed, confused, and it was

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Speaker 2: all multiplied because of my state of mind. I can't

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Speaker 2: say what else I did because it all feels blurry,

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Speaker 2: but I know I was acting crazy. I drove home

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Speaker 2: an hour or two later, and I was screaming and

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Speaker 2: crying the entire forty five minute drive. I have never

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Speaker 2: felt this kind of pain before. Basically, since this happened,

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Speaker 2: I have felt different. I think being on acid while

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Speaker 2: finding this out changed my brain or did something to it.

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Speaker 2: I know it's normal for me to feel depressed right now,

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Speaker 2: but this is more. I feel passed away. I'm getting

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Speaker 2: dopamine from nothing. I don't even feel sad. I barely

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Speaker 2: cried or thought about what I found out. I just

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Speaker 2: feel empty. I really don't know how to describe it.

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Speaker 2: I've had no appetite. Everything. It sauce me and I

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Speaker 2: don't want to watch TV, redo my makeup, and talk

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Speaker 2: to anyone, play video games, or listen to music things

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Speaker 2: I always love doing. And worried a pause because we

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Speaker 2: just had a lot of information. Do you have any

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Speaker 2: thoughts about like what she could be experiencing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so she you know, she was under the influence

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Speaker 1: of a substance, yeah, and a hallucinogen. So unfortunately, all

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Speaker 1: that all that trauma was in hand, yes, from being

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Speaker 1: on the houcinogen at that time. So unfortunately that's going

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Speaker 1: to be an even stronger flashbul memory for her. It's

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Speaker 1: going to consolidate, you know, into memory quickly. So it's

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Speaker 1: sounding like we're still in shock. Yeah, you know, it's

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Speaker 1: still pretty recent and she's already experiencing you know, some

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Speaker 1: PTSD symptoms. Sounds like depression, antedonia where she has what's adonia,

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Speaker 1: So that's where you you're really not experiencing the pleasure

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Speaker 1: that she used to experience.

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Speaker 2: And that was the dopamine.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so even like the little things that she used

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Speaker 1: to enjoy, like reading, Yeah, not even getting uh, dopamine

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Speaker 1: at all. Yeah, dopa energically depleted. So yeah, so that's

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Speaker 1: the thing. And then you know, and even a hallucinogen,

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Speaker 1: depending on if it's like LSC, it can make you

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Speaker 1: deplete it with dopaminea next day too, yeah, and a

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Speaker 1: couple of days later unfortunately, so she.

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Speaker 2: Might also just be having that, you know, in general.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, for vigilant just really hurting it sounds like, well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's doubly traumatic. Yes, she was under the influence of

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Speaker 1: hallucinogen and then finding you know.

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Speaker 2: This information and fidelity. Yeah, I mean already even if

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Speaker 2: you weren't under it, it'd be like a lot to

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Speaker 2: take in.

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Speaker 1: It's the blood's intense. Yeah, and she said it changed

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Speaker 1: your brain, yeah, which.

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Speaker 2: I mean she's also eighteen, so probably also I mean, like,

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Speaker 2: of all of the factors that make everything seem more

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Speaker 2: she's also at the age where everything seems more heightened

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Speaker 2: and probably feels like, you know, she said, this guy

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Speaker 2: is my soulmate, which is I feel like how a

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Speaker 2: lot of eighteen year olds view their relationships, especially like

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Speaker 2: a first relationship, so I think everything is just super

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Speaker 2: heightened for her.

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Speaker 1: Very very heightened. And yeah, she does have very strong feelings.

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Speaker 1: It can feel like she's never going to feel this

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Speaker 1: feeling again. A lot of times when it is the

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Speaker 1: first relationship, they feel like they're never going to feel

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Speaker 1: that connection or that high again. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Do you work with like a lot of younger.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, a lot of teenagers, a lot of people in

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Speaker 1: the early twenties. That's kind of like my sweet spot

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Speaker 1: right now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, him.

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Speaker 2: And I didn't even break up, but I have barely

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Speaker 2: wanted to talk to them. I'll get little bursts of

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Speaker 2: feeling sad about what happened, but I mostly feel empty.

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Speaker 2: I don't really feel like I have the will to

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Speaker 2: live anymore, or the will to do anything for that matter.

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Speaker 2: And there is a little bit left, so we'll read

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Speaker 2: that and we'll get your final thongs. I do keep

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Speaker 2: remembering the moment I found out and some spitts of

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Speaker 2: me acting absolutely crazy. I will update if it goes

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Speaker 2: away with time, but I'm worried and made a big

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Speaker 2: mistake taking that tab. And there are some comments and

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Speaker 2: one says, what you're feeling is not something the tab did,

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Speaker 2: you're just depressed. I felt the exact same way when

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Speaker 2: my ex cheated on me, and I've never done acid.

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Speaker 2: You should break up with him and move on. Reply

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Speaker 2: says this, the acid just made what happened way more intense.

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Speaker 2: Op you're grieving and in shock at the loss of

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Speaker 2: a relationship, and this is normal because the relationship is done.

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Speaker 2: You need to end it so you can start healing.

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Speaker 2: It's already over. You just need to lock the door.

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Speaker 2: Everything you're going through is okay. Two says you're eighteen

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Speaker 2: and you have dreams of going to law school. First

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Speaker 2: step to law school is quit the freakin acid. Understandably,

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Speaker 2: you've done it twice. Now you're at the point of

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Speaker 2: having to deal with a liar, cheater and a substance user,

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Speaker 2: because in all fairness, that's what he is, and he's

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Speaker 2: going to bring it down with them. If you stay,

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Speaker 2: you need to face the hurt and betrayal head on.

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Speaker 2: Understand that you truly deserve better. Heartbreak is never easy,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes doing the right thing for yourself seems really

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Speaker 2: hard and impossible. It's not impossible, Unfortunately, everyone goes through heartbreak.

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Speaker 2: If you stay fully expect the cheating to continue and

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Speaker 2: him being really sneaky about it. Expect more disrespect. Mind

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Speaker 2: games is substance used to continue and get more frequent

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Speaker 2: and some trips to the doctor for STI testing regularly.

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Speaker 2: Don't throw that four point zero gpa and your dreams

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Speaker 2: away for a cheater. Comment three says, coming from a

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Speaker 2: guy that's done acid plenty of times and been around

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Speaker 2: people that do it, you probably don't want to be

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Speaker 2: near someone that's doing a tab a week and saying

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Speaker 2: it helps them. I've seen plenty of people do way

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Speaker 2: too much of it and go off the rails. You

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Speaker 2: won't ode, but you will definitely change mentally with that

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Speaker 2: much acid. And there is an update. But any other thoughts.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I just want to say breakups are

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Speaker 1: clinically underrated. So you can you seem kind of like,

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Speaker 1: you know, glamorized in in movies and we think, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's like kind of like kind of like a joke

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Speaker 1: at some points, and then some of it is obviously

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Speaker 1: there's dark humor involved in it. But that's why I

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Speaker 1: do a lot of work with breakups, because it is

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Speaker 1: just clinically underrated. People understand that you can have like

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Speaker 1: so many passives, suicebtle thoughts, yeah, you know, so like

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Speaker 1: little motivation to do anything. Yeah, you know, and it

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Speaker 1: drags people, and I think their people are becoming more

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Speaker 1: aware of how serious that actually is for people than

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Speaker 1: it does. It can't take, you know, up to a

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Speaker 1: couple of years.

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Speaker 2: There's just like this chemical bonding that happens when you

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Speaker 2: have a relationship with anyone really, but like especially in

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Speaker 2: romantic relationships.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, and then to have that break and we don't

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Speaker 1: even know where she was at. Was she in Limerens?

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Speaker 1: Was she high still from the relationship. It sounds like

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Speaker 1: she had like a very intense feelings.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, like she said, she's like this is

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Speaker 2: my soul man.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. And dual loss because you know, now she has

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Speaker 1: to deal with a shift maybe in her sense of

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Speaker 1: self with the infidelity, and have to question everything about

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Speaker 1: the relationship, going to college college, and then have to

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Speaker 1: deal with the breakup on top of it, which is

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Speaker 1: why you see a lot of people need to kind

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Speaker 1: of boomerang back because now they don't want to deal

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Speaker 1: with both things, the shock of the infidelity and the breakup.

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Speaker 2: And she's like, maybe I should get back together with them,

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Speaker 2: even though.

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Speaker 1: It's coming for them to want to try. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: most people do try to actually reconcile after, but you know,

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Speaker 1: that can really create the trauma bond.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, and do you like, talk to a lot

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Speaker 2: of people who have tried multiple times and then you're

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Speaker 2: you know, have to kind of guide them towards after. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Unfortunately, if the partner is someone that just repeats

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Speaker 1: the pattern, yeah, you know, and they didn't take a

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Speaker 1: lot of ownership or do a lot of therapy after

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Speaker 1: and figure out what was underneath it? Was it? You know,

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Speaker 1: they needed more ego validation? Were you unfulfilled? Did you

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Speaker 1: feel like you needed variety and you couldn't express that,

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Speaker 1: you know what was underneath it? Then then yeah, the

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Speaker 1: pattern can continue. And then you see him, you know,

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Speaker 1: do that multiple times and it's chronic. Yeah, and it

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Speaker 1: depends on what the variable is. Do they live together,

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Speaker 1: do they have kids? It's hard, it's hard to really

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Speaker 1: make that decision, but yeah, hard to pull away.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think you're only eighteen. You got a

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Speaker 2: lot of life to live. But there is an update.

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Speaker 2: Op says he broke up with me over text. I

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Speaker 2: feel so are broken. I thought I meant more to him,

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Speaker 2: But I agree with most comments that he was not

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Speaker 2: a good influence and that's the end of that story.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean he got with you when he

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Speaker 2: was sixteen. He's also only eighteen. This is clearly you know,

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Speaker 2: immaturity is a part of this. But I think that

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Speaker 2: you definitely will you know, thrive outside of this relationship. Absolutely,

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Speaker 2: it's my take on them.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, No, definitely, Hopefully there's resilience there. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes when you get into that like mindset

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Speaker 2: of something outside of you has control over you, Like

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Speaker 2: she says about the substances, just like my brain has

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Speaker 2: been changed. I feel like if you get into that

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Speaker 2: mindset of like I can't fix this, it's harder to

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Speaker 2: get out of it.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that's and people do after PTSD. They really do

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Speaker 1: feel like their brain's changed. But you know, with time

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Speaker 1: and with the grounding skills and you know, really habituating

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Speaker 1: to like a new routine, it is kind of you

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Speaker 1: you're having to reinvent yourself after something like that. M hmm.

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Speaker 2: But I think we have some questions from our audience

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Speaker 2: for you. So this comes from does it really matter

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Speaker 2: who says when I was a child around ten years old,

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Speaker 2: my parents already didn't have a good relationship. They were

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Speaker 2: basically at each other's throats every day, and because of that,

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Speaker 2: every evening spent with them at home was filled with

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Speaker 2: immense anxiety. For me, I hated that the two most

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Speaker 2: important people in my life couldn't stand each other. At

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Speaker 2: one point, things escalated so badly that my dad announced

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Speaker 2: he was leaving, he was moving out. I'll never forget

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Speaker 2: sitting on the couch, my mom and I kneeling in

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Speaker 2: front of him, both of us crying and begging him

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Speaker 2: not to go. Of course, my mom realized that this

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Speaker 2: situation wasn't healthy for me, so while she was sobbing

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Speaker 2: and pleading with my dad to stay, she tried to

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Speaker 2: calm me by saying, that's just going to the store.

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Speaker 2: It's rough, But unfortunately I could see right through it,

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Speaker 2: and I knew she was trying to lie to me.

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Speaker 2: In the end, we managed to convince my dad to stay,

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Speaker 2: but from that point on I had constant stomach anxiety

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Speaker 2: for months. I was terrified he might change his mind

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Speaker 2: and move out. At After all, I remember it clearly

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Speaker 2: as if it happened yesterday. The only thing that brought

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Speaker 2: me joy and peace During that time was when my

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Speaker 2: dad talked to me about his near future plans. Nothing major,

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Speaker 2: just things like I'll mow the lawn tomorrow, next week

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Speaker 2: I'm going here, or this weekend i'll clean the pond.

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Speaker 2: It didn't matter what it was. What mattered to me

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Speaker 2: as a child was that as long as these plans

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Speaker 2: existed and were scheduled, he couldn't possibly leave. How could

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Speaker 2: he move out if he had things to do. Lately,

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Speaker 2: I've been thinking a lot about why, little things like

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Speaker 2: when my ex would say I'm playing tonight, or when

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Speaker 2: someone somebod who doesn't live with me but is at

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Speaker 2: my place and I desperately don't want them to leave,

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Speaker 2: says I'm just gonna eat. Let me turn on the oven.

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Speaker 2: Why did those things calm me? The oven takes a

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Speaker 2: while to heat up, so I know they'll be there longer.

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Speaker 2: In moments like these, I feel my soul settle and

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Speaker 2: the constant anxiety eases for a while. But now I

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Speaker 2: see that this trade of mine comes from a childhood

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Speaker 2: what I experienced as a trauma that I probably couldn't

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Speaker 2: properly process at the time because I didn't even have

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Speaker 2: the chance to, and so it's been haunting me ever since.

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Speaker 2: It's likely for similar reasons, or perhaps exactly because of that,

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Speaker 2: that I developed this. When I get close to someone

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Speaker 2: from the very beginning, my soul clings to them like

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Speaker 2: there's no tomorrow. I live in a constant state of anxiety,

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Speaker 2: verified of when that person will leave me. Whenever they

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Speaker 2: don't speak to me in the usual tone, my mind

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Speaker 2: spirals into the worst case scenarios. I can't think of

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Speaker 2: anything else except that they hate me. Now, it's going

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Speaker 2: to end soon and they'll throw me away. I'm incapable

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Speaker 2: of calming myself down, and I feel like it's hurting

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Speaker 2: me from the inside. I don't know how much longer

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Speaker 2: I can bear living like this, feeling this way twenty

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Speaker 2: four to seven, unless someone is so deeply, undeniably committed

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Speaker 2: to staying by my side. And that is the comment

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Speaker 2: And I think, I guess that commentary is probably wondering

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Speaker 2: how to you kind of work through this or work

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Speaker 2: with this? I guess, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So it definitely sounds like, you know, she was having

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Speaker 1: an anxious attachment situation with that after and really great

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Speaker 1: insight that the was historical, right, So it's like yeah,

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Speaker 1: I tied the two together. He really has a yeah,

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Speaker 1: terrapized or very insightful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So so now we're going to have an anxious attachment

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Speaker 1: with everyone. And so sometimes people want to push away,

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Speaker 1: you know, as soon as they feel like any closeness.

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Speaker 2: So at first she'll get hurt.

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Speaker 1: Very very you know, anxious and attached and maybe codependent

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Speaker 1: at the beginning, and then it becomes where I know

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Speaker 1: this person is going to leave, and it's that irrational

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Speaker 1: thought even if there's not any proof of such thing.

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Speaker 1: So then she wants to reject, you know, potentially before

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Speaker 1: being rejected, and then that can just mean like she's

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Speaker 1: devaluing in her mind. She could just mean that she's

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Speaker 1: preparing herself for for doomsday. And that can also lead

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Speaker 1: to behaviors that are sabotaging. If you notice in relationships

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Speaker 1: that you know, now you're it's kind of a self

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Speaker 1: fulfilling prophecy, so you think the person's gonna leaves, and

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Speaker 1: now you're more reactive and push to push any push them.

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Speaker 1: You're pushing, push them, and you don't even realize that

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Speaker 1: that's like that is self fulfilling. But that, yeah, very

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Speaker 1: painful anxious attachment situation looks like she does, you know,

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Speaker 1: kind of want to reject or protect herself, you know

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Speaker 1: at a certain point, But how can she heal from that?

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Speaker 1: How can she overcome? Having everything be top of mind

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Speaker 1: is really important. So just having that goal of wanting

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Speaker 1: that and then once you're starting to feel the negativity

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Speaker 1: you're experiencing that negativity or fear of abandonment. Journaling is

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Speaker 1: very underrated. It's very simplistic, but it's very helpful with

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Speaker 1: people that have these type of thoughts that want to

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Speaker 1: push away, yeah, and then really be honest. So they

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Speaker 1: actually did a study that show the people that reject

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Speaker 1: before being rejected actually have the same statistics as far

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Speaker 1: as like staying with their partners. So one attribute is

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Speaker 1: that they actually do communicate to their partner, I have

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Speaker 1: these urges, I have these feelings. Instead of them just

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Speaker 1: saying what is this erratic behavior, you're actually expressing that

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Speaker 1: you have these urges to either push away or pull

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Speaker 1: close push pull, and you're having the fear of abandonment.

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Speaker 1: So just that being top of mind one a goal

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Speaker 1: to a lot of journaling and insight into it, and

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Speaker 1: then a lot of positive distractions. So it's like when

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Speaker 1: you're having that urge, you know, or you're just ruminating

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Speaker 1: about them potentially abandoning you. You're distracting positively. So you

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Speaker 1: have a lot going on with your life and feeling

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Speaker 1: filled up inside, and.

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Speaker 2: A lot of them don't find that validation from others.

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Speaker 1: Yes, and then you're not seeking the external validation per

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Speaker 1: severating on whether or not they're going to stay with you.

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Speaker 1: It's more like you're filled up inside and centered and

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Speaker 1: then expressing yourself if you do have those fears.

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Speaker 2: It's a great answer, very good. But we do have

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Speaker 2: another question. Yeah, Kitlin von Kampen, who might be in

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Speaker 2: the chat? In the chat I see says I thirty

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Speaker 2: two female am sober as of June sixth twenty three,

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Speaker 2: DFC was meth. I also have ADHD and was using

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Speaker 2: as a way to self medicate. Have you had any

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Speaker 2: patients in recovery go back on stimulant meds. I've tried

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Speaker 2: all kinds of other ADHD meds shattera onsuan scene, but

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Speaker 2: they haven't helped at all. My ADHD is so bad

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Speaker 2: it makes doing everyday things very difficult. Question, how would

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Speaker 2: I go about talking to my psychiatrist about getting back

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Speaker 2: on those without being judged as a past user. And

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Speaker 2: that's the end of that question. I don't know if

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Speaker 2: you have any sperience with itsolute So I did.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was a director at a couple of rehabs

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Speaker 1: in this area, so I was able to be around

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Speaker 1: a lot of people that were, you know, actually maintaining

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Speaker 1: sobriety and initiating that. So congratulations on your sobriety. That's

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Speaker 1: very exciting. And yeah, and a lot of being in

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Speaker 1: recovery is about non judgment, right, So it's very personal

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Speaker 1: of how people get sober. Some people do harm reductions,

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Speaker 1: some people are huge in AA. You know, for AA

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Speaker 1: it's more all or nothing. It's more like, okay, let's

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Speaker 1: really just you know, exclude the stimulants. So for that

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Speaker 1: people do really well that way. But for you, it

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Speaker 1: just really depends on your your quality of life. Is

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Speaker 1: your quality of life being natively affected? Right? And so

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00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,560
Speaker 1: that's such a personal question. Do I say in general

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Speaker 1: we recommend that you just stay off, of course, because

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Speaker 1: you know, we don't want it to be a slippery slope,

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00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,639
Speaker 1: but ultimately you have to process with your therapist. Is

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Speaker 1: it affecting your quality of life that much? Are you

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Speaker 1: not you know, getting most tasks done, and it can

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Speaker 1: be really debilitating. So a lot of times I'll do

408
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,399
Speaker 1: like disability valuations for mental health and you'll see the

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Speaker 1: ADHD can be so severe that they you know, they

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Speaker 1: really feel like they can't function or work, you know,

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Speaker 1: or do any school work at all. So yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: a very painful thing, you know, and very very debilitating

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Speaker 1: at times. So yeah, quality of life, you got to

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Speaker 1: look at and know the risks and know the quinn

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Speaker 1: you know, get your support system in place.

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Speaker 2: Feel like a psychiatrist can recommend the dosage you know, safely.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and talking to the psychiatrist. You know,

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Speaker 1: fit is really important when it comes to therapy and psychiatry.

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Speaker 1: They actually state that the variables that indicate whether or

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Speaker 1: not you do well in therapy are fit, like, you know,

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00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,680
Speaker 1: actually getting along well, having rapport. Yeah, that's a major

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00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 1: and that's actually more important than intervention. Yeah, so that's

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Speaker 1: really big. So make sure that someone that's.

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Speaker 2: Really hearing you out and that you can talk to me, yeah.

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Speaker 1: You know, and of course their default is going to

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Speaker 1: be pleased, like let's try not because of the history.

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Speaker 1: But again, you just have to go with your quality

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Speaker 1: of life and really process it for a while. And

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Speaker 1: it sounds like you have so so good luck with that,

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Speaker 1: But congrats on your sobriety so huge, that's huge, huge.

431
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,560
Speaker 2: But those are all the questions that we have. And

432
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,400
Speaker 2: we do have another story. I finally met someone amazing,

433
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,840
Speaker 2: but my anxiety won't let me enjoy it.

434
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that's not good.

435
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:13,040
Speaker 2: Nope, I thirty eight mail used to be way more anxious,

436
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,600
Speaker 2: but I've worked on myself a lot, and I've gotten

437
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,320
Speaker 2: more confident in myself. And while I still have some

438
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,359
Speaker 2: anxiety here and there, it's manageable. I go on a

439
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,360
Speaker 2: fair number of dates, like one or two a week

440
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,399
Speaker 2: on average, and I actually really like first dates. I

441
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,439
Speaker 2: have no nervousness at all. It's really fun getting to

442
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,439
Speaker 2: know someone new with no expectations. By the way, this

443
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,439
Speaker 2: comes from username ten twenty four sixty nine, And if

444
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,040
Speaker 2: you want to submit your own stories, go to the

445
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,879
Speaker 2: r slash Okay storytime, separate it. I'm Sophia, I'm doctor Kin,

446
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,959
Speaker 2: and I'm Keon, and we're here to give good advice goofy.

447
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,560
Speaker 2: But we don't have all the answers. We only know

448
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,239
Speaker 2: what we'd do, so let us know what you would do.

449
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,879
Speaker 2: But today we actually have an expert, so Op says.

450
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,480
Speaker 2: Last week, I went on a first date with someone

451
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,480
Speaker 2: we met on a dating app, and our conversation beforehand

452
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,159
Speaker 2: on the app was just okay. I was slightly nervous

453
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,960
Speaker 2: because she was really attractive, but when I got there,

454
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,600
Speaker 2: she was more nervous than I was. I don't think

455
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,000
Speaker 2: I'm that good looking of a person, so that was surprising.

456
00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:08,879
Speaker 2: The date went really well. We had way more in

457
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,240
Speaker 2: common than I would have thought. She was just as

458
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,600
Speaker 2: attractive in person as in her pictures. We hugged good

459
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,000
Speaker 2: night and the ending was awkward, but I thought it

460
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,280
Speaker 2: went well. The next day I asked her out again.

461
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,600
Speaker 2: I started getting a bit more anxious. Asking someone on

462
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 2: a second day is way more nerve racking for me.

463
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,080
Speaker 2: Now I know this person a bit more and I

464
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,440
Speaker 2: like them so far. I need to pick a place

465
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,600
Speaker 2: that she'll like, and I'm always nervous I'm going to

466
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,879
Speaker 2: be judged for what I pick. No, it's never happened

467
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 2: so far. This time, at least, I had a good

468
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 2: idea based on our conversation, dinner and then going to

469
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,200
Speaker 2: a bar with some activities that we had talked about.

470
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,240
Speaker 2: She pretty quickly texted back. I said in my message

471
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,520
Speaker 2: that I was going on a trip. She asked when

472
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,880
Speaker 2: i'd be back. I told her, and it took her

473
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,840
Speaker 2: like ninety minutes to respond. That's when my anxiety started

474
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,000
Speaker 2: spiraling out of control. I was hosting an event at

475
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,520
Speaker 2: work and could barely focus on what I needed to do.

476
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,800
Speaker 2: But then I got the text. She gave me some

477
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,280
Speaker 2: days that worked for her. I was free the first

478
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,960
Speaker 2: available day she gave, so I told her, let's do

479
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,159
Speaker 2: that day and gave her my plan. Her texting's very dry.

480
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 2: She said something to the effect of, yeah, that sounds good.

481
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 2: See you then, and of course my brain started telling

482
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,479
Speaker 2: myself she wasn't interested, despite agreeing to a date with

483
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,600
Speaker 2: me literally moments earlier. I went away on my trip

484
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 2: soon after that. It was a fun trip. I saw

485
00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,720
Speaker 2: a bunch of close friends, and I was basically doing

486
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,800
Speaker 2: something every moment I was in asleep, which is not

487
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,400
Speaker 2: like me. The whole time, though, I was stressed out

488
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,639
Speaker 2: about texting her. Should I text her? What should I

489
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 2: text her? Each day I didn't text, my anxiety got

490
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,680
Speaker 2: worse and worse. I would be having fun with my friends,

491
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:45,800
Speaker 2: and my brain would snap to you should text her. Eventually,

492
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,800
Speaker 2: I sent her a picture of something funny I saw.

493
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,439
Speaker 2: She responded quickly and we joked back and forth for

494
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,960
Speaker 2: a couple of texts. I felt better after that for

495
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,960
Speaker 2: a little bit, but then I started worrying again. The

496
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,720
Speaker 2: next text I sent was a confirmation text for the

497
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,439
Speaker 2: date of the day before, which she responded to an

498
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,359
Speaker 2: hour and a half later, which again made me a

499
00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:07,919
Speaker 2: bit anxious, but she confirmed, so all was well. Once again,

500
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,960
Speaker 2: I was a bit nervous for the second date, but

501
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,960
Speaker 2: it went really, really well. Conversation flowed the whole time,

502
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,360
Speaker 2: and we got to know each other better. Near the end,

503
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,920
Speaker 2: we had some pretty deep discussions about what we were

504
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,320
Speaker 2: looking for in past relationships and what we learned from them.

505
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,879
Speaker 2: We both seemed to be on the same page. She

506
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,520
Speaker 2: told me she found me really attractive and that it

507
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 2: was refreshing to find someone who could actually hold the conversation,

508
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 2: which was nice to hear. It was only the second day,

509
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,800
Speaker 2: but I was really falling for We kissed good night

510
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,359
Speaker 2: this time. I texted her when I got home, saying

511
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,040
Speaker 2: I had a great time and that I hoped we

512
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,159
Speaker 2: could do it again soon. She said she would like

513
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,200
Speaker 2: to When she got back from her trip, I said,

514
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 2: let's talk more tomorrow. That whole night I could barely sleep.

515
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 2: It was a mix of excitement and nerves. I just

516
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,959
Speaker 2: couldn't believe how great it went. But the anxiety started

517
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 2: kicking in more and more. And we're gonna pause there

518
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,640
Speaker 2: because we got a little bit more left. But uh,

519
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,200
Speaker 2: thoughts on this. I know Pi's experience with anxiety.

520
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so interesting. So this generation is actually experiencing

521
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 1: more social anxiety than everything. A lot of people know that. Yeah,

522
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 1: But something we talk about a lot in therapy, which

523
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,600
Speaker 1: is interesting is kind of frequency of text when they're dating.

524
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,680
Speaker 1: And you have to remember that one of the reasons

525
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,880
Speaker 1: you're high and inlimeberents right with the person is because

526
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,040
Speaker 1: you're getting that intermittent reinforcement. It's sort of like gambling.

527
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,199
Speaker 1: You don't know when you're going to get a hit

528
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,800
Speaker 1: because you don't know this person quite yet that you

529
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,840
Speaker 1: don't know what they're going to be consistent or not.

530
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,639
Speaker 1: So does he like me? Do they like me not?

531
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:31,160
Speaker 2: Yeah?

532
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,200
Speaker 1: That keeps you kind of high, but it also keeps

533
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,880
Speaker 1: you really anxious. So you already struggle with social anxiety.

534
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,680
Speaker 1: Now it's duly powerful and intense because you've got the

535
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,280
Speaker 1: social anxiety and you're liking someone and wondering do they

536
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 1: like me? Do they like me not? You're putting your

537
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,840
Speaker 1: heart on the line, right, but it can get kind

538
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,120
Speaker 1: of painful. You know, you're ruminating, persevering do they still

539
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 1: like me? And I'm waiting, you know, sixty minutes, ninety minutes,

540
00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:52,640
Speaker 1: a few hours for text.

541
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:57,480
Speaker 2: Absolutely experienced anxiety and this was ringing true to me.

542
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I don't have professionals attorneys even get you know,

543
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:03,240
Speaker 1: get anxious that way because you know they like them.

544
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,919
Speaker 1: They they're high off of it and they want they

545
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,120
Speaker 1: want that validation and they want them to like them back.

546
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,280
Speaker 1: But that can get really bad with your social anxiety

547
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:09,760
Speaker 1: on top of it.

548
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, I definitely have experienced this, and I think for me,

549
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,840
Speaker 2: it's just kind of like my advice for you is

550
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:20,640
Speaker 2: you just kind of have to be like, whatever happens happens.

551
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:22,760
Speaker 2: I mean, they might not like you and they might say,

552
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,720
Speaker 2: you know, this isn't the relationship for me, and you

553
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 2: literally can't do anything about it, which is so scary.

554
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 2: But after a point, like you know, if they do

555
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,640
Speaker 2: stay around every time, the anxiety gets a little less. Yeah,

556
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, well they're still here exactly now I left.

557
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,639
Speaker 1: Yet you know it's helpful too, is if you know

558
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:41,760
Speaker 1: it's the beginning. You're not able to pattern recognize yet.

559
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 1: So just remember that you're just learning about their patterns.

560
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,919
Speaker 1: You know, they one day, they might get back quickly,

561
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 1: but it might take a few hours because we don't

562
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,919
Speaker 1: know their routine, we don't know their patterns yet. Just

563
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 1: remember you're just learning about them at this time. You

564
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 1: don't have to take.

565
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:56,560
Speaker 2: It as rejection. Proceed that way. Yeah, especially with texting,

566
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,679
Speaker 2: you know, because everyone texts differently. Yeah, And I think

567
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,880
Speaker 2: there is, as you said, this idea that her well

568
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,879
Speaker 2: you're talking about people bringing up texting more. And I

569
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,919
Speaker 2: think there is this idea that if you don't text

570
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 2: immediately all the time, that it is a rejection. Yeah.

571
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,440
Speaker 2: I think no. People are of lives they do. Yeah,

572
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,360
Speaker 2: they were busy. Other variable ohp continues the next day

573
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:20,240
Speaker 2: at work, I was anxious about asking for the third date,

574
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 2: but eventually, when I got home I texted her. She

575
00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:25,679
Speaker 2: responded fairly quickly, and she was actually going to be

576
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,639
Speaker 2: gone longer. Than I expected, but we made plans for

577
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,480
Speaker 2: the Saturday after she gets back. I was nervous again

578
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,520
Speaker 2: that she wouldn't like my suggestion, but she actually used

579
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 2: an exclamation point in her text this time, so I

580
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:41,199
Speaker 2: feel like she was into it. That's cute. She's excited.

581
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,640
Speaker 2: Maybe I'm gonna be busy most days she's gone, which

582
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,440
Speaker 2: is good that I'm already worrying about what or when

583
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 2: to text her. So everything seems like it's going well,

584
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,920
Speaker 2: but my brain just cannot stop thinking about this all

585
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,639
Speaker 2: ending badly. I feel like this is too good to

586
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,000
Speaker 2: be true and the rug is going to be pulled

587
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:00,680
Speaker 2: out for me at any moment. I feel like she's

588
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,679
Speaker 2: out with other people what she has every right to

589
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 2: be if that's what she wants. We've only met twice,

590
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 2: we still barely know each other, and she's got to

591
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 2: cut things off with me, or that she doesn't feel

592
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:11,879
Speaker 2: like I do at all, and it's just being nice

593
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,520
Speaker 2: and we've got a little bit left and then we'll discuss.

594
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 2: There have been four other people I've been really into

595
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,160
Speaker 2: that I met on dating apps, and three of them

596
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,679
Speaker 2: change their pictures on their profiles before ending things with me,

597
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 2: So I've been really trying not to look at her

598
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 2: profile in case she does update something. But it's making

599
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,359
Speaker 2: me so, so, so so anxious. I've really only felt

600
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,800
Speaker 2: this anxious with one other person. I hate that my

601
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 2: brain is like this. I hate that all of my

602
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,159
Speaker 2: thoughts go to this all the time. What sign I'm

603
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,880
Speaker 2: in a relationship. I'm fine and become way more secure,

604
00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:44,639
Speaker 2: But these early days are so hard for me. I

605
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,119
Speaker 2: don't understand it. I see a therapist, and after a session,

606
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 2: I feel better for a little bit. But I guess

607
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,119
Speaker 2: I'm bad at putting what I learn into practice because

608
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,960
Speaker 2: I slip right back into my anxiety. I just effing

609
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 2: hate it. And that is the end of that story.

610
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 2: But do you have any thoughts.

611
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,400
Speaker 1: For Yeah, it's just again we're just kind of learning

612
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:07,200
Speaker 1: about the other person, and you know, to overthink that way.

613
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,240
Speaker 1: You know, it can be like on a scale, like

614
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:10,760
Speaker 1: it can be very painful, or it can it can

615
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: be you know, just kind of more more neutral. But

616
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:16,719
Speaker 1: I think it's it's really underrated to ask the person, like,

617
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 1: you know, even casually, like how often do you like

618
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: your friends to text?

619
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:20,360
Speaker 2: Yeah?

620
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 1: Or like within your old relationships, you can ask these

621
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 1: questions a few dates in like in your old relationships

622
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:26,720
Speaker 1: or now, what do you prefer as far as like

623
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,520
Speaker 1: texting communication? Yeah, because we're not always you know, compatible

624
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: that way, but you can find a middle ground that

625
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 1: And then if you just think about texting as making

626
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,760
Speaker 1: a date, that can help too, because because especially if

627
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,360
Speaker 1: you're the one asking out more, then you can just

628
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 1: think about it as adding value because a lot of

629
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,320
Speaker 1: times we're just focusing on the negative. But what about

630
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,480
Speaker 1: adding value like what could be the next adventure? Yeah,

631
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,240
Speaker 1: what are they into getting to know them on a

632
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,840
Speaker 1: deeper level? You know? Yeah, but yeah, it's nice to

633
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:56,800
Speaker 1: just think about texting as making the date at first,

634
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,320
Speaker 1: and then you know, kind of getting excited about that,

635
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 1: and that can combat some of the negativity because you're

636
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 1: thinking about adding value to them, to you in an

637
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:08,000
Speaker 1: experience rather than you know, just persevering on what's happening

638
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 1: in between, because that might not matter as much in

639
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 1: the beginning.

640
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, and basing it on like as yeah, the experience

641
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,160
Speaker 2: of like what happens on those dates? You know, how

642
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:18,320
Speaker 2: is the rapport when you're together? Because I think that's

643
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 2: a lot more important than how she texts.

644
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,160
Speaker 1: Right, And a lot of times we're kind of you know,

645
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 1: projecting so much onto someone.

646
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:25,200
Speaker 2: We really want to.

647
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,400
Speaker 1: Try to get to know them, you know, being curious,

648
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,600
Speaker 1: you know, being curious about each other rather than just like, okay,

649
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 1: I like this person with attractiveness and projecting a lot

650
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 1: of things instead of asking and being curious. So, yeah,

651
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 1: getting to know them and then adding experiences that can

652
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 1: combat a lot of the native directing your hopes and

653
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,360
Speaker 1: desires onto the too soon.

654
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,400
Speaker 2: Might you might not even like you might find that

655
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 2: you don't even mesh with exactly, so they can go

656
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 2: really anywhere.

657
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:49,360
Speaker 1: I like that thinking about what's a fit for you

658
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: more rather than pleasing them, And that can be you know,

659
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,120
Speaker 1: more attractive for them too, because they say you have

660
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 1: your solid identity and you don't just need that external validation.

661
00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:57,920
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

662
00:29:57,960 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 1: Yeah.

663
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,800
Speaker 2: My husband and I add a terrible marital issue we

664
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,800
Speaker 2: went through and I told them it would hurt less

665
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 2: if he passed away because of the trauma. We worked

666
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,479
Speaker 2: it out and stayed together, but I think it caused

667
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 2: PTSD and me. And do you have anything thoughts about

668
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:14,760
Speaker 2: working through like have you ever worked with you know, couples.

669
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:16,760
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I do couples therapy a lot, so Whitney. That

670
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: is really hard, and that's actually a normative thought. People

671
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,000
Speaker 1: often feel like it would have been easier. That's a like,

672
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: you know, it can be a fleeting thought, but it

673
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:26,920
Speaker 1: would have been easier if they would have passed away.

674
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,240
Speaker 1: Not that they wanted to disappeared, But if you compare

675
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,000
Speaker 1: the two of what we what we put it through

676
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: each other through you know, they care so deeply about

677
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 1: a person and when you're you know, damaging or you know,

678
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 1: hurting them in some way that now there's a lot

679
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 1: of guilt and shame. And then there's also all that

680
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,960
Speaker 1: trauma that she's experiencing PTSD from, and so then yeah,

681
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,520
Speaker 1: it does make sense that you'd have that fleeting thought.

682
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: It's quite normative to have that thought. And yeah, but

683
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,880
Speaker 1: we just gotta really think about how difficult dynamics are

684
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,280
Speaker 1: and try to give ourselves a little bit more relax

685
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:55,240
Speaker 1: on it, because it's hard to not react to someone.

686
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,880
Speaker 1: It's hard not to get too comfortable, you know, and

687
00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: then your intention is that, you know, going for you

688
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 1: don't want to hurt the person, and I mean, you

689
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: know better, you do better. So it's hard, but we

690
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 1: do a lot of damage and not just you this

691
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 1: is very normative, you know.

692
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 2: Yeah. I feel like when you want to hurt someone,

693
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 2: you search for the words that do the most damage

694
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 2: and then you're cheat. Sorry.

695
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 1: I mean that a lot of impulsivity, reactivity, and the

696
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 1: most well intended people the most well intented people. So

697
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 1: it doesn't make you a bad person if there's been

698
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 1: a lot of fights. It's just really about just the

699
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,040
Speaker 1: next day starting fresh again. Yeah.

700
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:29,200
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But we have another story. Hey, it's Sean here

701
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:30,040
Speaker 2: og host of the show.

702
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:31,760
Speaker 1: We're gonna get back to these juicy stories. But here's

703
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 1: a quick three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

704
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,960
Speaker 2: I dumped my fiance because all she wanted to do

705
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 2: was party.

706
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:38,400
Speaker 1: Okay.

707
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 2: I'm twenty eight male and I've been with my now fiance,

708
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:47,960
Speaker 2: twenty nine female for eleven years. We were high school sweethearts.

709
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,840
Speaker 2: As of late, all my fiance wants to do is

710
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,040
Speaker 2: go to bars and drink with her new friends and

711
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,720
Speaker 2: co workers, and it's really starting to bother me. By

712
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 2: the way, this comes from vae Vay And if you

713
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 2: want to smit your own story, go to the r slash. Okay,

714
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 2: storytime subvered it.

715
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:05,840
Speaker 1: I'm Sophia, I'm doctor kin and I'm key on and we're.

716
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 2: Here to give good advice. Goofy, but we don't have

717
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:09,240
Speaker 2: all the answers. We only know what we'd do, So

718
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 2: let us know what you would do in the comments

719
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:14,680
Speaker 2: and op says For some context, As I mentioned above,

720
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:17,720
Speaker 2: we've been together for eleven years. I was a football

721
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:20,240
Speaker 2: player in high school, so I have or had a

722
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:22,720
Speaker 2: more athletic built. She was more of a loner in

723
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,400
Speaker 2: high school. Not trying to be harsh, just being honest,

724
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 2: so she was more lonely. With me being an ex

725
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 2: football player and going to college, I got invited to

726
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 2: parties and gatherings constantly. She's always been unsure of herself,

727
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 2: so she really didn't want me to go to those gatherings.

728
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:40,800
Speaker 2: She insisted that I was going to find someone better

729
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,560
Speaker 2: than her there, so I shouldn't go. I'm more of

730
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 2: a homebody anyway, so I didn't mind not going. Don't

731
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 2: get me wrong, I would have liked to attend to

732
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 2: some of the gatherings, but I would rather comfort her

733
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 2: more by not going. Fast forward to the last two years,

734
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,800
Speaker 2: and she started her new RN nursing job. We both

735
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:01,440
Speaker 2: have really good jobs and make money. She started getting

736
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 2: invites staying out with friends after work. I'm not a

737
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:07,000
Speaker 2: jealous guy, so I don't care. We both work overnight,

738
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,080
Speaker 2: so she would go to breakfast with her coworkers in

739
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:12,239
Speaker 2: the mornings after work. Again, I wasn't worried about it.

740
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:15,480
Speaker 2: The breakfast in the morning slowly progressed to where now

741
00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 2: she's going bar hopping with her friends at night and

742
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 2: not getting home until three am. She lost some weight

743
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 2: in that time, so I attributed it to being more confident.

744
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:26,840
Speaker 2: We're saving for a house, planning on having kids soon,

745
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 2: and I just proposed in December. She wanted to be

746
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 2: married by February twenty twenty three. With all that in mind,

747
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,640
Speaker 2: I've been grinding my butt off to save extra money,

748
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,760
Speaker 2: picking up ot shifts when I can, and making lifestyle sacrifices.

749
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 2: One day, she asked me if she could go to

750
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,560
Speaker 2: a bar with her coworkers for his or her birthday.

751
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 2: Mind yous. She's already been out three different times for coworkers'

752
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 2: birthdays this month. I told her I didn't think it

753
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:53,640
Speaker 2: was a good idea and that she should give it

754
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:56,000
Speaker 2: a little break. She got upset with me, telling me

755
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:57,680
Speaker 2: I'm not letting her live her life. The way she

756
00:33:57,720 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 2: wants to live her life. She also said that since

757
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,360
Speaker 2: I would, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

758
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 2: I was originally scheduled off for that day, but I

759
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 2: picked up an o T shift. I told her that,

760
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 2: and she got upset. Now we're broken up and trying

761
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,720
Speaker 2: to figure it all out. Wait break up. She says

762
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,279
Speaker 2: that I shouldn't hold her not allowing me to go

763
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:18,960
Speaker 2: to places over her head. I told her that I'm

764
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,000
Speaker 2: not trying to hold it over her head, but we

765
00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:24,319
Speaker 2: have life goals that requires something different than just going

766
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,719
Speaker 2: out all night and having a good time. I told

767
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,960
Speaker 2: her I'm all for her going out, but can she

768
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,839
Speaker 2: do it in moderation. Maybe instead of going out with

769
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,239
Speaker 2: friends four times in one month, she can go with

770
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 2: them two times in one month and pick up two

771
00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:39,160
Speaker 2: OT shifts. She said she doesn't want to do overtime

772
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,879
Speaker 2: on her days off like I do. She's now saying

773
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,280
Speaker 2: I'm too demanding, Like if she wants to get tattoos

774
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,360
Speaker 2: all of her body, I should allow that. If she

775
00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,759
Speaker 2: wants to smoke Devil's lettuce and party, I should allow that.

776
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 2: I told her I'm not trying to stop her from

777
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 2: doing what she wants to do. I just won't be

778
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 2: standing here by until she's ready to get this family

779
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,680
Speaker 2: life back on the road. Am I wrong here? I'm

780
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:03,319
Speaker 2: lou saying my crap And there are some comments, but

781
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:04,879
Speaker 2: do you have any advice with thoughts for ope?

782
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:07,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, you did everything right as far I don't know

783
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:09,719
Speaker 1: what the timing of when you were asserting yourself and

784
00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:12,440
Speaker 1: your needs. You did everything right there. Now can it backfire?

785
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,919
Speaker 1: Because some people want autonomy then as soon as they're

786
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:16,799
Speaker 1: told they can't do something, now they want it more. Now,

787
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 1: this person sounds like they just really get fueled up

788
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:20,440
Speaker 1: by going out and then it.

789
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,240
Speaker 2: Also seems like she didn't have that you know, prior

790
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:24,920
Speaker 2: and is now kind of making up.

791
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's the time of Part's nice because now

792
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: you can see was it is it worth it to

793
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,880
Speaker 1: just sacrifice and you know, and have her let her

794
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,400
Speaker 1: live her lifestyle. But this is a thing where it's

795
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: more about fit. Right, But once we're attached, it's hard

796
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:38,360
Speaker 1: to kind of reverse.

797
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 2: That together for eleven years but you're already attached.

798
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, now you are too attached to want to, you know,

799
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,879
Speaker 1: subrade just because of a lifestyle change. So you did

800
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:48,640
Speaker 1: everything right as far as asking for the compromise, obviously

801
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 1: a couple therapy would be nice to sure, you know,

802
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:52,760
Speaker 1: get it that way. You're not the one that's being.

803
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:53,879
Speaker 2: Like the probation officer here.

804
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:55,600
Speaker 1: We don't want that. It's really hard to have that

805
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 1: power differential that she's rebelling against basically at this point.

806
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:01,279
Speaker 1: So it could be a situation where this is less

807
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 1: of a fit. It could be more of a turn

808
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:03,480
Speaker 1: off later. We don't know.

809
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think also they were really young when

810
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 2: they got together, so you change a lot, especially in college.

811
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:11,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, but she's looking like she really wants that autonomy.

812
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:14,000
Speaker 1: So you got your answer when you kind of asked

813
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,400
Speaker 1: if she could compromise, and that was like a complete

814
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,799
Speaker 1: like yeah, rebellion for you. So that's where that So

815
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 1: you could do a couple of syrrap You could take

816
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:24,000
Speaker 1: time parts see if it's worth it to just sacrifice

817
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:25,719
Speaker 1: that way and have her, you know, do her thing

818
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,680
Speaker 1: until she wears out on it a little bit.

819
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,719
Speaker 2: And going into your point about fit, it seems like

820
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:34,279
Speaker 2: they're at different places in there. Yeah, Like he's ready

821
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,719
Speaker 2: to start a family and save up money and put

822
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:40,880
Speaker 2: an extra hours to get that, whereas she's not ready to,

823
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 2: as you said, like let go of that lifestyle. So yeah,

824
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:45,600
Speaker 2: maybe this isn't a fit.

825
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 1: And a good question too could be like could do

826
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,239
Speaker 1: you see yourself kind of getting tired of this later on?

827
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:52,120
Speaker 1: And maybe that could give you hope too, like do

828
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 1: you see yourself cutting down on this later? Do you

829
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 1: think this is prices? Because she might even just see

830
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 1: it as a little face for herself, so that'd be

831
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,080
Speaker 1: a good question. Yeah, but fit is important, but once

832
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:03,879
Speaker 1: the attachment's there. That's why you really got to see

833
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:07,319
Speaker 1: their patterns at the beginning, before you get too attached exactly. Yeah,

834
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,800
Speaker 1: but hopefully there's enough there or it's just too painful,

835
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,279
Speaker 1: because some people do get go through a lot of

836
00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:13,239
Speaker 1: emotional pain when the other one's going out all the time.

837
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:13,719
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

838
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 1: And then you got to think about the trust factors too, So.

839
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was interesting to me the point about like

840
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:20,920
Speaker 2: her going out too much and then we find out

841
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:23,360
Speaker 2: that's only four times a month, which to me doesn't

842
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,480
Speaker 2: sound like a lot. But I guess when they're they

843
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,120
Speaker 2: seemingly have a lot of work hours, so maybe they're

844
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 2: just not spending as much time together. Yeah, maybe the compromise.

845
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:34,600
Speaker 2: There is also do we have are we spending enough

846
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 2: time together?

847
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,359
Speaker 1: Perspective can change too once you have that little bit

848
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,680
Speaker 1: of time apart, because if the anxiety is really high

849
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,480
Speaker 1: and he wants to get back, then he's gonna want to,

850
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: you know, look at this differently and have it more

851
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:45,319
Speaker 1: of a reframe. Yeah, and as long as she gets

852
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,200
Speaker 1: in a place where she's less defensive, he might feel

853
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:48,720
Speaker 1: a little bit more assured about the future.

854
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,920
Speaker 2: Yeah. But there are some comments common. One says, you

855
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,400
Speaker 2: grew apart. Dude. The only thing I see wrong in

856
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 2: this relationship is that allowing the other to do something

857
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,239
Speaker 2: is a thing. You are deciding for different things on

858
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 2: life right now? What can you do? What can anyone do?

859
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:05,920
Speaker 2: We all should find what makes us happy and follow

860
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,360
Speaker 2: that path. It just seems like your path is not

861
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:12,399
Speaker 2: together with hers anymore. It sucks, that's it. Reply says,

862
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:14,359
Speaker 2: I agree that they grew apart, but I also think

863
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:16,480
Speaker 2: that he's being a little too much asking her not

864
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,760
Speaker 2: to go out four times a month with their friends

865
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:21,400
Speaker 2: and coworkers. That just seems like a non issue to me.

866
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 2: I totally get it if it was two to three

867
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,760
Speaker 2: times a week, but averaging once a week seems totally

868
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,239
Speaker 2: fine to me. Reply says, if we're playing that game,

869
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 2: she asked for too much since she wanted the commitment

870
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 2: and is now backing off. It isn't about the number

871
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,120
Speaker 2: of times that's the issue. It's the finance. They both

872
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,120
Speaker 2: need to save for the future, and she's falling back

873
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 2: on it. So it's neither's fault or both had some

874
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,360
Speaker 2: part in this. That was kind of my thought on this.

875
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:47,160
Speaker 2: It seems like maybe he would have had a little

876
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:50,759
Speaker 2: bit more success if he had gone from kind of

877
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:54,319
Speaker 2: standpoint up saying I want to save money. Is there

878
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 2: a way that you know you could help pitch in

879
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:58,719
Speaker 2: for that, rather than saying I don't want you to

880
00:38:58,760 --> 00:38:59,240
Speaker 2: do something.

881
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 1: Yes, that's true, and adding and there's a couple things

882
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:03,440
Speaker 1: I would say there too, is that sometimes it can

883
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 1: be more of an emotional thing where it's like they

884
00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,439
Speaker 1: just feel like the other partner's not compensating for being gone. Yeah,

885
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 1: so let's say you have what she's going on on

886
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 1: a Friday, but he knows they're going to do something

887
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,399
Speaker 1: that he enjoys and it obviously doesn't have to cost

888
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,160
Speaker 1: a lot of money, but knows it it's something that

889
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:19,520
Speaker 1: he would enjoy and she's emphasizing this and excited because

890
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:21,359
Speaker 1: sometimes a lot of times it's about that where it's

891
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:22,560
Speaker 1: like they're not compensating in.

892
00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:23,960
Speaker 2: Other ways, they're the leading jealousy.

893
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're leaving, they're having fun, and then will wearse

894
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 1: my fun with you.

895
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:27,839
Speaker 2: Yeah.

896
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,919
Speaker 1: So if she's excited and she's enthused about whatever they're

897
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,239
Speaker 1: going to do that weekend, whatever part, Sunday, whatever it is,

898
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,759
Speaker 1: that can help a lot combat that. Then there's more

899
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,239
Speaker 1: closeness and then the talks are more warm. But yeah,

900
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: we definitely don't want to be in a dictator role

901
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,680
Speaker 1: because they're going to kick against that power differential.

902
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:46,080
Speaker 2: Which she's do. MH comment to my biggest question is

903
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:48,440
Speaker 2: how does an RN have that much time and energy

904
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 2: to party? Reply says my one friend who's an RN

905
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:54,560
Speaker 2: is definitely the wild one of the group. I'd assume

906
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,840
Speaker 2: it's a way to cope and reaction to being around

907
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,960
Speaker 2: so much illness and passing. Reply says Vitamin B comp

908
00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:02,759
Speaker 2: shots help. Most of my Filipino relatives that are in

909
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,879
Speaker 2: the healthcare system have weekly vitamin shots to get that

910
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,880
Speaker 2: extra bit of energy to do double and triple shifts.

911
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:11,560
Speaker 3: Yes, they doo.

912
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 2: What is this? What does it do?

913
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 3: Get more energy?

914
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:16,920
Speaker 2: Your energy? Interesting?

915
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: Edit?

916
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:20,759
Speaker 2: Thank you all for the replies. Most commons seem to

917
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,280
Speaker 2: agree for the few that say, why is four times

918
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:26,000
Speaker 2: too much per month? Not about the times per se.

919
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,319
Speaker 2: It's more about me committing to furthering our future while

920
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:31,359
Speaker 2: she only wants to go out and have fun. If

921
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,600
Speaker 2: she was going out an average of eight times per month,

922
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,239
Speaker 2: I would ask her to go out four and pick

923
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,799
Speaker 2: up four OT shifts. I know she's a nurse and

924
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,440
Speaker 2: we both have tough, trying jobs, but drinking two to

925
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,160
Speaker 2: four times per week and bar hopping isn't the answer.

926
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:46,640
Speaker 2: I also forgot to mention that she's the one who

927
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 2: was asking for more of a commitment. Prior to starting

928
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 2: her new job. You told me that we had been

929
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:53,799
Speaker 2: together too long for her to not at least have

930
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 2: a ring on her finger or a child. She wanted

931
00:40:57,239 --> 00:40:59,560
Speaker 2: all this when we were twenty two to twenty five

932
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,600
Speaker 2: years old. You would want me to have a child

933
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:04,440
Speaker 2: with her. I was uncomfortable at the time because I

934
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,839
Speaker 2: wanted to be settled in my career first. I grew

935
00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,319
Speaker 2: up with a tougher lifestyle, so I wanted to make

936
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:11,800
Speaker 2: sure I could take care of my children by myself

937
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:15,319
Speaker 2: comfortably if it had come to that. And there is

938
00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:17,800
Speaker 2: a next edit, Sam here we're gonna get back to

939
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 2: the stories, but here's three of its bads from our sponsors. Yeah,

940
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,440
Speaker 2: it seems like it's the same thing of OPI saying

941
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:26,080
Speaker 2: that we had talked about a lifestyle, and I'm not

942
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,760
Speaker 2: seeing that same kind of energy reciprocated.

943
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does sound like there was a shift, and

944
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,279
Speaker 1: that's common, right, So we changed, we evolve, and we

945
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,080
Speaker 1: have shifts, unfortunately, and this could be just a like

946
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 1: we talked about before, a little bit of a phase.

947
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,879
Speaker 1: We don't know. Yeah, but there's some fulfillment she's getting

948
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:42,320
Speaker 1: out of that, and we just don't want the distance

949
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: to be created so much where she does want to

950
00:41:45,239 --> 00:41:48,120
Speaker 1: run away, really because that might be what he's experiencing.

951
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 2: But there is a second edit. OPI says this will

952
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:54,719
Speaker 2: be my last post, so I've decided to break up

953
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,880
Speaker 2: with her and get my ring back. I didn't realize

954
00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:01,040
Speaker 2: that he had proposed. I spent over fifteen k on

955
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:05,800
Speaker 2: the ring. Whoo dang. Now she's literally on her knees, begging, pleading,

956
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,359
Speaker 2: and asking for forgiveness. I told her that I'm over

957
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:11,640
Speaker 2: this relationship, and now all she's doing is crying. It

958
00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:13,319
Speaker 2: sucks that it had to come to this for her

959
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,279
Speaker 2: to truly understand how I was feeling, but it is

960
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:19,640
Speaker 2: what it is. Thank you everyone for the advice. I'll

961
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 2: see what happens from here, and Op says, I see

962
00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:24,840
Speaker 2: a lot of people saying that I'm controlling. I'm not

963
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 2: one to look past criticism, but I have to say

964
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 2: I disagree when she says I'm not allowing her to

965
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:32,200
Speaker 2: do stuff that should have been worded better. What I

966
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,000
Speaker 2: mean by that is she wants to seemingly be tatted

967
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,400
Speaker 2: from head to toe. She wants to be out trying

968
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,480
Speaker 2: Molly Devil's lettuce, mushrooms, et cetera, because that's what her

969
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:42,840
Speaker 2: friends are doing. I'm sorry, but I would rather not

970
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,799
Speaker 2: have a girlfriend or fiance with tattoos everywhere and who

971
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:49,000
Speaker 2: does hardcore drugs. In addition to that, she already has

972
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,680
Speaker 2: three big tattoos on her personnel from the top of

973
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,680
Speaker 2: her shoulder to her elbow type pats. I like what

974
00:42:54,719 --> 00:42:57,480
Speaker 2: I like and nothing can change that. When I say allow,

975
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:00,520
Speaker 2: when I'm actually saying is she can do whatever she

976
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 2: wants to do. However, if I don't like what she does,

977
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:05,880
Speaker 2: I have every right to leave. Right Am I wrong

978
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 2: for not wanting her to be tattooed from edge to

979
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,080
Speaker 2: doe and do mushrooms? And there is a tiny bit

980
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:12,160
Speaker 2: left of the story. But do you have any responses

981
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:14,359
Speaker 2: to Opie's kind of questions about that?

982
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:17,440
Speaker 1: You know, it's just I've definitely, anecdotally, definitely had clients

983
00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 1: whereas you know, the partner doesn't want to give them

984
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:21,920
Speaker 1: too tattoos, and it's really like an ongoing struggle. It's

985
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,439
Speaker 1: like the more they push back, the more they want

986
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,080
Speaker 1: it to and so it could become really cyclical. You

987
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:28,480
Speaker 1: can express yourself on what your preferences are, but at

988
00:43:28,520 --> 00:43:30,720
Speaker 1: the same time we have to also honor their identity

989
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:32,439
Speaker 1: and their their wants and needs at this time.

990
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,479
Speaker 2: So and probably also have to decide what our deal

991
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:35,720
Speaker 2: breakers exactly.

992
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,200
Speaker 1: And really, you know, we kind of judge relationships like

993
00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:40,160
Speaker 1: how they make us feel about ourselves and how we

994
00:43:40,239 --> 00:43:43,279
Speaker 1: feel when we're around them. Yeah, so really the indicators

995
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,879
Speaker 1: like how is he feeling, you know, when he's when

996
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:48,239
Speaker 1: she's out or when they're together. You know, it could

997
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:50,200
Speaker 1: be that the quality are suffering that way. That's what

998
00:43:50,239 --> 00:43:51,920
Speaker 1: it's kind of looking like. There's some other kind of

999
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 1: issue there too, just other symptom. So I think that,

1000
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,600
Speaker 1: you know, if it's not a fit and he can detach, okay,

1001
00:43:57,680 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 1: most people, a lot of people can't. Yeah, you know,

1002
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:02,960
Speaker 1: it takes it takes a lot more time of unwhite.

1003
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, he was like, I'm done.

1004
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:06,799
Speaker 1: So if they can come to a compromise and there

1005
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 1: is attachment, that that is ideal. Yeah, but yeah, we

1006
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:10,879
Speaker 1: do have to kind of be careful of how much

1007
00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:15,040
Speaker 1: we push against someone's preferences for yeah, going out or

1008
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:16,560
Speaker 1: their you know, their art. You know.

1009
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I say in a lot of stories,

1010
00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,160
Speaker 2: it's you can break up or divorce or you know,

1011
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:26,480
Speaker 2: end of relationship for any reason, like it's your right exactly,

1012
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 2: but also it's their right to live their life's right.

1013
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:31,520
Speaker 2: But there is a little bit left to this story.

1014
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,360
Speaker 2: As for the people advising I should just talk to

1015
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,439
Speaker 2: her more, this same attitude has been going on for

1016
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:40,200
Speaker 2: seven months now. I talked to her when I first

1017
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:43,720
Speaker 2: began to notice the change, but nothing has changed. Today

1018
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,800
Speaker 2: was my breaking point. I hope I addressed most concerns

1019
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:48,919
Speaker 2: and lastly, for the people saying four times a month,

1020
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,520
Speaker 2: there's not that much. I'm not saying four times is

1021
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,640
Speaker 2: too much. I'm simply saying, but she at least implements

1022
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 2: some ot in there somewhere. That way she could live

1023
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,560
Speaker 2: her best life while also showing me that she's still

1024
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 2: working towards our life goals. And that's the end of

1025
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:04,480
Speaker 2: that story. Yeah, I just think that you're right. I

1026
00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 2: think this just wasn't a fit.

1027
00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:07,480
Speaker 1: Yeah. I liked your comment on too. I think that

1028
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:11,120
Speaker 1: compensatory piece is important. Is we compensate sometimes and we

1029
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:14,360
Speaker 1: don't like something, then how could she have compensated and

1030
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:16,239
Speaker 1: made it feel better? You know? And there could have

1031
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:19,200
Speaker 1: been some room for that potentially, so, And I think.

1032
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:21,120
Speaker 2: If you can just take that into his next relationship,

1033
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:23,279
Speaker 2: that's right, Yeah, and find someone you know you fit

1034
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:26,319
Speaker 2: a little bit more aligned with goals. Why. Yeah, But

1035
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,840
Speaker 2: that's the end of that story, and I think that

1036
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:33,600
Speaker 2: was our last story with you. But you thank you.

1037
00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:37,480
Speaker 1: Followers are so beautiful, they're very sweet, they're so positive.

1038
00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:40,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, No, we have a great community. They're very proud

1039
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:40,480
Speaker 2: of them.

1040
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 1: Thanks guys for letting me on.

1041
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:43,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, do you want to one more time introduce yourself?

1042
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:45,560
Speaker 2: For any new people and let us know where we

1043
00:45:45,560 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 2: can find you.

1044
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,560
Speaker 1: So my name is doctor Kim. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist.

1045
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:52,680
Speaker 1: You can find me on ig Or TikTok and at

1046
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:55,360
Speaker 1: doctor Kim Cronister. That's c h R O n I

1047
00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:56,160
Speaker 1: S t e R.

1048
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:58,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you so much again for coming.

1049
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:02,400
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you you. Yeah agree, yes, but thank you,

1050
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:04,879
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Bye, everyone,