Speaker 1: Oh, Happy New Year everybody. It's in three. Happy twenty three.
Speaker 1: Whoever thought we'd make it this far? Oh? My god,
Speaker 1: I did. I did. I'm so excited about only because
Speaker 1: of my hysterian astrologist. What are you looking forward to? Oh,
Speaker 1: just life, you know, all of the things. What are
Speaker 1: you looking forward to, Catherine? Oh? I am looking forward
Speaker 1: to doing a lot of hiking this year. I'm very excited.
Speaker 1: We just moved. We're right at the base of the
Speaker 1: mountains and I'm ready to get after it. Wow, hiking.
Speaker 1: Good for you, Catherine. I am not looking forward to
Speaker 1: hiking this year. That is not something that I am
Speaker 1: thinking about at all, So I'm glad that you brought
Speaker 1: that up. You like to go downhill very fast on
Speaker 1: that Yeah, exactly, that's right. I like to go downhill.
Speaker 1: That's what I've discovered about myself. But speaking of it,
Speaker 1: you've been in Whistler, which is your happy place? Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: i am, but I am. I'm I'm home now because
Speaker 1: I have to come home to do some press for
Speaker 1: my Special Revolution, which is out on Netflix. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'm doing press for that, and then I'm hosting the
Speaker 1: Critics Choice Awards next week. So I'm here in town
Speaker 1: for a while. I had to leave my happy place,
Speaker 1: which I'm not normally accustomed to doing in the wintertime.
Speaker 1: I like to go for winter. But you know that's okay.
Speaker 1: I have to work because I want to work. Our
Speaker 1: guest today is a really funny comedian and he is
Speaker 1: going to make you laugh. And you can watch his
Speaker 1: advice special on YouTube. It's called well, it's called the
Speaker 1: Advice Special and it's on YouTube and it's Matteo Lane
Speaker 1: is the page. So he's got mad skills. He's got
Speaker 1: tons of different skills. I mean, he speaks a bunch
Speaker 1: of different languages. He's an artist, he's like a chef.
Speaker 1: He's hot, he's gay, and he sings opera. So suck
Speaker 1: on that. Matteo Lane is here, everybody, And if you
Speaker 1: don't know who he is, you need to find out
Speaker 1: because you need to follow him on Instagram. This is
Speaker 1: a very talented comedian. He's a flaming homosexual. And I
Speaker 1: say that because, yeah, well you can't see him, but
Speaker 1: you can't see what he's doing. But I say that
Speaker 1: because he is one and he is so talented. Actually,
Speaker 1: you know what he did for me recently, Katherine I
Speaker 1: haven't told this story yet. It was Gwyneth Paltrow's fiftieth
Speaker 1: birthday this year, so her assistant Kevin had reached out
Speaker 1: to everyone asking for a sketch of how we see Gwyneth,
Speaker 1: to draw something of how we see Quinneth. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's like asking me to pump breast milk. You know, Like,
Speaker 1: I was like what, And I remember that Matteo is
Speaker 1: not a cartoonist. I was an oil painter and fashion
Speaker 1: illustrator for years, like TV commercials and fashions and stuff.
Speaker 1: It was how I moved to New York. So I
Speaker 1: didn't know that. Yeah, from the Midwest. Where are you from?
Speaker 1: From Chicago? Yes, Chicago, you're from Arlington Heights specifically, my
Speaker 1: husband is from Palatine. Is he what high school did
Speaker 1: he go to? He went to Palatine High School? Okay work? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm from Uswego, Illinois. Us we Go I've heard
Speaker 1: of us we Go? Is that from a movie Oswegoswego,
Speaker 1: New York and then in Oswego, Illinois. Maybe it sounds
Speaker 1: like a Greek food. Yeah, it sounds like a yeast infection.
Speaker 1: I was. I was based out of Chicago. Last week
Speaker 1: a couple of weekends ago, because I had four shows
Speaker 1: in like Rosamond, then Rockford, then Minneapolis, and then some
Speaker 1: other cities. So I was just like, I'm so at
Speaker 1: the end of my rope with my tour in terms
Speaker 1: of energy sucks. So we just based ourselves out of
Speaker 1: Chicago and just flew each time to wherever drove because
Speaker 1: one place was like a half hour away, because I
Speaker 1: had already done the city of Chicago. So we spent
Speaker 1: four days in Chicago, and I was so fucking happy.
Speaker 1: I was so happy in my hotel room. I was
Speaker 1: acting like a like a little big girl like I
Speaker 1: had finally had because I just need compact things. So
Speaker 1: I had this beautiful hotel room, but I was treating
Speaker 1: it like I had just become an adult. And I
Speaker 1: was organizing my underwear and my socks in the drawers.
Speaker 1: I was like, you're here for four nights, get comfortable.
Speaker 1: I packed your bags, and then I was organizing my
Speaker 1: medications and my makeup, and I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: You're like it's like you have a dollhouse and you're
Speaker 1: playing home. And then I realized Amy Schumer was at
Speaker 1: the Chicago Theater. The same night, because we were texting
Speaker 1: one morning and she's like, oh, are you in Chicago, Mike,
Speaker 1: are you in Chicago? And of course we were like
Speaker 1: two ships in the night. So a lot of comedy
Speaker 1: comes out of Chicago people, and we have the person
Speaker 1: here to prove it, Matteo Lane. So I was introduced
Speaker 1: to Matteo, I don't know, a year ago, maybe probably
Speaker 1: a little bit more than a year ago. And I'm
Speaker 1: in love with you, and everyone who meets you is
Speaker 1: in love with you because you're just such a joy
Speaker 1: and such a gift and I can't wait for the
Speaker 1: whole world to find out about this person. But I
Speaker 1: forgot to tell you, or maybe I had to tell
Speaker 1: you that. Gwyneth texted me and she was like, yell
Speaker 1: see that's what she calls me. She goes, I can't
Speaker 1: believe that you drew this. This is amazing, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I said, esther, that's what I call her.
Speaker 1: I go, esther. I have to be honest. I did
Speaker 1: not draw that. I had a friend do it for me,
Speaker 1: because this was a an assignment that was way outside
Speaker 1: of my wheelhouse. But anyway, Matteo, tell us about yourself.
Speaker 1: I want to know Okay, so you moved here to
Speaker 1: become what you said early or I don't want to
Speaker 1: butcher it, he moved here to Well I wasn't. I mean,
Speaker 1: I started doing comedy in Chicago probably like twelve years ago,
Speaker 1: and actually the first show I did was in a
Speaker 1: gay club. No, I'm sorry, Actually the firstide it was.
Speaker 1: It was in a bar and thirty or four members
Speaker 1: of my family came to watch me do three minutes.
Speaker 1: He's from a big Italian family in mafia. My grandma's
Speaker 1: family probably was, but not anymore, just like nice Italians. Yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes you outgrow the mafia, I think, right, I think
Speaker 1: you have to otherwise you're all in prison. Yeah it was.
Speaker 1: I did three minutes on Marty to Rosa's show, He
Speaker 1: Ransom Show, where the whole point of the show was
Speaker 1: like you would win like sex toys or something. But
Speaker 1: I don't know, but it was a really fun show.
Speaker 1: I did three minutes, and I think I was just
Speaker 1: impersonating Kathy Griffin because that's all I knew of stand
Speaker 1: up at that time. And I had a great time.
Speaker 1: It was fun. You just I was addicted immediately. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well you put out it's so much material. I mean
Speaker 1: you love to go on stage, right, I do. I.
Speaker 1: I was just talking to a comic the other day
Speaker 1: about this, where it's like when you start in comedy,
Speaker 1: you feel like the community is huge, and then slowly
Speaker 1: but surely, everyone sort of peels off into their own world,
Speaker 1: like some writers or producers, and they eventually give up
Speaker 1: comedy and you're just left with, oh God, it's just
Speaker 1: me and three other people. I remember at open mics
Speaker 1: still doing stand up in a weird way, you know,
Speaker 1: and I enjoy I really love doing stand up like
Speaker 1: I love being on stage. I love writing jokes. I
Speaker 1: love the the lifestyle of the comedians. I love the
Speaker 1: seller table, I love everything. I'm obsessed with it. I
Speaker 1: love all of it. There's not a part of me
Speaker 1: that's like, I'm doing this until I get a TV show.
Speaker 1: I'm very happy to be known as a comedian. Oh
Speaker 1: that's interesting, because I would definitely say that I'm the opposite.
Speaker 1: When I was starting out, I was like, I'm doing
Speaker 1: this till I get a TV show. And then and
Speaker 1: then I was like, oh, I'll continue to do it.
Speaker 1: And then I burnt myself out so hard that I
Speaker 1: had to take a break from it. Because I just
Speaker 1: went so hard and like with the show, with writing books,
Speaker 1: then being on tour. I don't even know how I
Speaker 1: did it. When I think about that, I don't know
Speaker 1: how you because I'm exhausted without having a TV show
Speaker 1: And you had a TV show four days, five days?
Speaker 1: We how many times you guys film? Well, yeah, four
Speaker 1: nights a week. We had it, so you had I
Speaker 1: was an open micro then, but my dream was to
Speaker 1: be on a Chelsea Handler panel. Well I'm still going
Speaker 1: to happen. We're gonna bring so we're gonna bring a
Speaker 1: TV show back, and you're gonna be on the panel.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Never. I don't want to like blow
Speaker 1: smoke up your asked the whole time. But please don't
Speaker 1: just give all right, don't don't. Nobody needs to hear
Speaker 1: kipt let's blow if you were asked? Okay, great, and
Speaker 1: many many others exactly, let's get your asshole fived and
Speaker 1: many excuse me listeners. Okay, we're going to get graphic here.
Speaker 1: But how many languages do you speak out the way
Speaker 1: I speak English? I speak Italian, Spanish really proficient. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you don't speak Spanish, I'm fluent. If you speak Spanish.
Speaker 1: You're like, wow, he's really good. Even though I have
Speaker 1: an Italian accent. I sound like Mario and Luigi and
Speaker 1: French and then some German. Okay, some Germans. Five is
Speaker 1: in that world. German is a tricky language for me
Speaker 1: because I'm a Jew, so that hurts my ears a
Speaker 1: little bit. I'm still not I'm still not down with
Speaker 1: They were like, I was doing this citizen thing because
Speaker 1: you can get citizenship, you know, like I have a
Speaker 1: house in Spain, so I can get Spanish residency. But
Speaker 1: because my mother was a German who fled from the war.
Speaker 1: After the war, I'm able to get German citizenship. So
Speaker 1: we've been working, like my assistant has been working with this,
Speaker 1: like customs attorney or immigration attorney for a couple of
Speaker 1: years to get my German citizenship. And then when we
Speaker 1: all came down to it, I was like, Okay, Canada, Spain.
Speaker 1: I just always want some exit strategy, just in case
Speaker 1: Donald Trump Junior becomes elected one day, but by the way,
Speaker 1: and then finally the other So the other day I'm
Speaker 1: at the Spanish consulate with my assist and we're like,
Speaker 1: he has to come with me to the appointment because
Speaker 1: I'm so useless by myself and We're sitting there and
Speaker 1: then he goes, okay, so for your German citizenship, and
Speaker 1: I was like, do I really want a German citizenship?
Speaker 1: And he's like, well, I think you do, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just don't know. Well, Berlin is
Speaker 1: a very cool international city. They they seemed to have
Speaker 1: repented and you have definitely a bent it. Then they
Speaker 1: take accountability for what the hell happened. When you go
Speaker 1: to Berlin. On every corner there is a memorial talking
Speaker 1: about what happened in the Holocaust, and there are terrible,
Speaker 1: horrifying museums that everyone should have to go to to
Speaker 1: understand exactly what did happen and those atrocities. Actually, I
Speaker 1: had a girlfriend that just came back Jamie Makeup Jamie Greenberg.
Speaker 1: She came back from her Israel birthright trip and it
Speaker 1: was so funny. She's like, you know, there's only fifteen
Speaker 1: million Jews in the world, and I was like what,
Speaker 1: I go, that's not right, fifteen million, and she's like yeah, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: And then I googled it and I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, that is scary. I mean, that's why Jewish
Speaker 1: people have to say to everybody anytime they say anything,
Speaker 1: shut up. That is not a lot of people. That's
Speaker 1: not a lot of people at all. I think the
Speaker 1: population of Italy is like eighty million, and that's considered
Speaker 1: a small country. And you just came back from Italy again?
Speaker 1: Do you go there pretty often? Probably like four times
Speaker 1: a year? How fun is that? It's great? I have
Speaker 1: like a whole group of friends there that I hang
Speaker 1: out with. We have three hour dinners and I roll
Speaker 1: cigarettes even though don' how to and just do passato
Speaker 1: and do I'll do shows in Italian with Francesco to
Speaker 1: Carl It was like a great Italian comedian and I like,
Speaker 1: you want to find a house in Rome? I want
Speaker 1: to live in Italy. Oh you will? You totally will.
Speaker 1: That's so cool. And so how do you have to
Speaker 1: switch it up? Do you have to switch it up
Speaker 1: because it's a different language? I mean yeah, because one time,
Speaker 1: the first time I went to Italy and I tried
Speaker 1: to just translate without writing any new jokes. I was
Speaker 1: an idiot. I had this joke that like an old
Speaker 1: joke of mine about how I went to Starbucks and
Speaker 1: they asked for my name, and I said it was mateo,
Speaker 1: and she turned around and made my drink and she
Speaker 1: literally wrote potato. And my thought process was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: when you hear potato, you stopped writing on the car.
Speaker 1: That is when you say I'm sorry, it's been a
Speaker 1: long day. What is your name? So I was like,
Speaker 1: I'll just say that. So I started saying in Italian.
Speaker 1: I was in Florence, I think, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, they don't rhyme Anyian. Also, I
Speaker 1: don't have Starbucks in Italy, so they don't even know
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about. And just a bunch of stairs.
Speaker 1: And then I quickly turned into an eighties comic and
Speaker 1: I was like, the difference between Americans and Italians are
Speaker 1: like the most hackship in Italian. But I was just like, wow,
Speaker 1: I was not prepared for the fact that I can't
Speaker 1: do any of my British bake off jokes, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like, I have to figure this out.
Speaker 1: But what I find interesting about Italian audiences is that
Speaker 1: they all clap instead of laugh. Really, they just sort
Speaker 1: of clap, and I'm like, I don't know if they're
Speaker 1: being really polite or they're trying to acknowledge, they understand me.
Speaker 1: But there's a lot of clapping going on and I'm
Speaker 1: going to need more laughing. So it sounds more like
Speaker 1: the Olympics. It does it like holding up seven At
Speaker 1: the end where they dismount off of the thing, they're
Speaker 1: like like clapping, Yeah, Although if they were laughing at
Speaker 1: the Olympics, that would be really fucked up, especially how
Speaker 1: after how hard those people have worked. So you go
Speaker 1: to Rome and you hang out, like what do you
Speaker 1: go for? Two weeks? Three weeks? Like how long were you?
Speaker 1: I was there for a week. I brought my guy Chris,
Speaker 1: who does all chriskword is all my social media stuff,
Speaker 1: and we did this whole beautiful documentary of my life
Speaker 1: in Rome and where we put it up on my
Speaker 1: YouTube page, and we're going to have different episodes like
Speaker 1: cooked with this chef Luciano when he shows us how
Speaker 1: to make carbonada and we have my friend and then
Speaker 1: it shows how to make and all this fun cooking
Speaker 1: stuff and I had a fucking blast. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: what a life. You're totally going to have a place there,
Speaker 1: I hope. So I need to find an Italian husband,
Speaker 1: is what I would like. Well, what's the gay scene
Speaker 1: in Italy. Do people get married there? Do they just date?
Speaker 1: Like New York, the gay scene is I think l A. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's very chaot. I mean I feel like Midwestern. I mean,
Speaker 1: I feel like it's true for all stereotypes for parts
Speaker 1: of the country. Like it feels like Midwestern gays are
Speaker 1: a lot calmer than either Coast of gays and l
Speaker 1: A gays are just it's too much. It's it's too much.
Speaker 1: They're so not not too gay, they're too mean to
Speaker 1: each other. There's a lot of it's all about the
Speaker 1: way you look, it's all about what you have to offer,
Speaker 1: and it's all about your standing in society. It's brutal.
Speaker 1: It would be like it would be like living in
Speaker 1: a Lucky Charms box. That's judging you. I mean, that's
Speaker 1: sort of how I view West Hollywood. But you know,
Speaker 1: to tell you the truth, I don't know. I've been
Speaker 1: so since doing stand up, I have been in a
Speaker 1: way so removed from like gay night life, which is
Speaker 1: not the only way gays go out obviously, but like
Speaker 1: there I'm just saying, like stereotypically speaking, like gays would
Speaker 1: go out and go to clubs and go all I
Speaker 1: do is stand up and hang out with comics, And
Speaker 1: I did find that my self esteems a little better
Speaker 1: because I do find like if I walk into a club,
Speaker 1: my first thought was how do I look? Do I
Speaker 1: look good enough? And are they judging me? Who I'm like,
Speaker 1: They're just it's a lot of my insecurities come up,
Speaker 1: not that it's actually happening. But if I walk into
Speaker 1: the comedy seller, I know they respect me for my
Speaker 1: intellect and we're gonna sit down and we're gonna get
Speaker 1: messy and we're gonna talk and me and Keith Robinson
Speaker 1: are gonna scream at each other and like have a
Speaker 1: fun time. So now to tell you the truth, like
Speaker 1: I haven't I don't even know how to go out
Speaker 1: in the gay scene anymore. Like I can't tell if
Speaker 1: I'm feeling left out or if I've purposed. I don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm like in this weird I live a
Speaker 1: straight comic in a way, you know what I mean? Well,
Speaker 1: I think that's I mean, it raised an interesting point
Speaker 1: because I think stand up really calcifies a different set
Speaker 1: of confidence, Like you have so much more to offer,
Speaker 1: so you start identifying or when you're going to label yourself.
Speaker 1: That becomes like the first label instead of the second
Speaker 1: or the third when you're stand up and that's your
Speaker 1: whole life and that's what you're known for. I think
Speaker 1: your identity. It's like I remember growing up, I didn't
Speaker 1: want to ever be I just thought of as a
Speaker 1: dumb blonde. You know. I wanted people to take me seriously.
Speaker 1: Like now people take me a little too seriously, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like I'm no, I'm cute too,
Speaker 1: like that I'm not scary, it's scary, and I'm like, wait,
Speaker 1: I want to be that blonde again. That wasn't that bright,
Speaker 1: you know, like we're we're loud or whatever. But I
Speaker 1: think that stand up cultivates. Yeah, you're just confident. I
Speaker 1: mean it's badass to get up there and fucking buy
Speaker 1: yourself with a microphone. It is. It's and now I'm
Speaker 1: so comfortable with it. Do you ever get that feeling
Speaker 1: where like you're walking out and there's thousands of people
Speaker 1: waiting for you and you're like, what am I going
Speaker 1: to have for dinner tonight? Like you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like it's so normal now, which is good. I think
Speaker 1: that's the best performance comes from it. Being completely normal
Speaker 1: on stage. I don't think nervous energy. That always audiences
Speaker 1: pick up on if the comic is nervous, so to speak.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I don't know, it's I think audiences pick
Speaker 1: up and when a comic is nervous, I think so
Speaker 1: for sure. It's like a owner who is carrying their
Speaker 1: dog and they say the dog can feel if you're nervous,
Speaker 1: or like they yeah, yeah, of course. It's hard to
Speaker 1: see someone nervous, like it's not a pleasant feeling. Nobody
Speaker 1: enjoys that. No. Matteo could also sing opera by the way,
Speaker 1: he's an opera singer. He's I mean, what can't you do? Date? Um,
Speaker 1: that's about it. We're gonna find you a date on
Speaker 1: this podcast. We've hooked up a lot of people on
Speaker 1: this podcast. Actually, oh you guys, we should set me
Speaker 1: up then. I'm looking for and specifically people who wrote
Speaker 1: in being like I loved his intellect when I heard
Speaker 1: him on the podcast, because obviously they can't see anybody.
Speaker 1: They're just like, can you send my Instagram to him?
Speaker 1: This was a previous previous guest, but we can definitely, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're into Matteo. First of all d
Speaker 1: m him right, that's a good way to be dating people.
Speaker 1: But also, yeah, if you're listening to this, because obviously
Speaker 1: we have no straight men listening to this. If you have,
Speaker 1: If you're listening to this and you think what kind
Speaker 1: of guy, tell me about what kind of guy you
Speaker 1: think you're looking for, because I've been around you, and
Speaker 1: I've seen you with a couple of different guys, and
Speaker 1: it's hard to pinpoint a type which I can recognize
Speaker 1: in myself. I also don't have a type, right, I'm
Speaker 1: they the older I get I'm sort of more interested
Speaker 1: in someone who's going to make me laugh. Yeah. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know that sounds so dumb, but it is true.
Speaker 1: I'm sort of over like my insecure twenties where I
Speaker 1: think I need someone hot to validate me in any
Speaker 1: kind of way, Like I'm really just sort of interested,
Speaker 1: like does this person have anything interesting to talk about? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And also I think when you're a comic and you're
Speaker 1: already like innately funny person, I don't think that it
Speaker 1: necessarily you don't need someone actually to make you laugh.
Speaker 1: You need somebody who gets the joke, Like you don't
Speaker 1: have to make the joke, but you have to be
Speaker 1: in on the joke and you can't not get the joke,
Speaker 1: because that's a turn off, because it's the worst when
Speaker 1: you're when you really do have something funny and you
Speaker 1: say it to your partner and they stare at you
Speaker 1: and you think, damn it, I wish I was with
Speaker 1: other comics or my friends. Yeah. I I sometimes I
Speaker 1: see relationships of people, gay couples, and they travel with
Speaker 1: each other and they're with each other and they're best friends,
Speaker 1: and it's so foreign to me. I've not had that
Speaker 1: experience yet in terms of dating, where like the person
Speaker 1: is legitimately my partner or best friends. So I do
Speaker 1: feel quite independent that way, Like I don't know. I
Speaker 1: also now I'm so independent, I don't know how I
Speaker 1: would customize my life for somebody else. Yeah, but that
Speaker 1: always works itself out when you wanted to. When you're
Speaker 1: really into somebody, you may compromises. You know you're like
Speaker 1: into them, and so that that isn't Why is this
Speaker 1: bouncing up and down? It's like reverberating just from this.
Speaker 1: I have a screen over my microphone, you guys, and
Speaker 1: it's just been vibrating the whole morning. And I'm not
Speaker 1: even touching it. It's it's my mouth. My mouth is
Speaker 1: so powerful that it's forceful. Such a forceful mouth. But also,
Speaker 1: somebody who takes themselves too seriously is a hot is
Speaker 1: such a turn off. I think that goes hand in
Speaker 1: hand with lacking a sense of humor, as people who
Speaker 1: take themselves too seriously, that's never hot. Being funny is
Speaker 1: down on my list because of course, anyone could make
Speaker 1: you laugh. It makes you laugh as sexy. You like
Speaker 1: them immediately anytime somebody can evoke that feeling from you.
Speaker 1: He's laughing at my bouncing microphone. These are like my boobies.
Speaker 1: It's taking the place of my boobies my screen. I
Speaker 1: do like guys that are more shy. I find myself
Speaker 1: more attracted to those who are introverts. This last guy
Speaker 1: I was sort of seeing who I really liked. It
Speaker 1: unfortunately didn't work because of distance. He was just like,
Speaker 1: I can't do long distance, which I understand, and I'm
Speaker 1: not here to change anybody. But he was very shy,
Speaker 1: and there was something about it that I kind of
Speaker 1: loved because I I think I already get enough attention
Speaker 1: that I don't want to be with someone who also
Speaker 1: is see king a ton of attention, Like I'm also
Speaker 1: not even seeking attention outside of the stage. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? I sit at home and play Fortnite. I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to do anything, you know, So I I
Speaker 1: like sort of shy your guys more quiet guys, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but don't you find more quiet guys have less to say.
Speaker 1: But when they start to open up was when I
Speaker 1: find adorable. Like this last guy was painfully shy, and
Speaker 1: then as he opened up, I really got to see
Speaker 1: his sense of humor. And then you almost feel more
Speaker 1: special because you're like, oh, wow, he's opening up like
Speaker 1: something I've I've done something to help him open up,
Speaker 1: and now he feels comfortable with me, and I feel
Speaker 1: I have an insight on how this person functions in
Speaker 1: the world, and I like their sense of humor, like
Speaker 1: I enjoy that. And how long did you guys date for? Well?
Speaker 1: We talked. We dated and talked for like almost six months.
Speaker 1: He lived long distance. I met him when I was
Speaker 1: doing shows and we just kept talking and then it
Speaker 1: turned into facetiming Morning New night. Then we took vacations
Speaker 1: with each other and finally got to a point after
Speaker 1: like six months I was like, well, how do you
Speaker 1: feel about long distance? And he was just honest. He
Speaker 1: was like, I can't. I have too many in securities
Speaker 1: about that and I can't have someone who's far from
Speaker 1: me and it's just not going to work. And I
Speaker 1: was like, well, that's disappointing. And so that's it. So
Speaker 1: what if you wanted to continue just seeing each other
Speaker 1: like on vacation, That's not a thing to me. It
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't be great because it's like I really liked
Speaker 1: him and I expressed that and he liked me too,
Speaker 1: and if and he even said, like, we continue what
Speaker 1: we have, and I'm like, well, if I'm I'm trying
Speaker 1: to make an investment, I'm thirty six, I'm trying to
Speaker 1: like make a foundation with somebody, and so if it
Speaker 1: just then it feels like I'm just giving you entertainment
Speaker 1: which will make me resent you, and you'll feel cheap
Speaker 1: for that. I will feel cheap for that. Right. So
Speaker 1: the answer was I want to bring up a good
Speaker 1: point because I don't think gay men are getting enough
Speaker 1: credit for nipping monkeypox in the bud. But but the
Speaker 1: saying is in the bud, but I'm going to change
Speaker 1: it to the button it started because when the government
Speaker 1: came out. I was out to dinner with a few
Speaker 1: gay guys last night, as one does, and they were like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we all got vaccinated right away. When when we found
Speaker 1: out about monkey box, and I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's what happened. Because I'm like, where's monkey pox? I
Speaker 1: thought this was going to take off. I was kind
Speaker 1: of looking forward to seeing what a ship show that
Speaker 1: was going to be, you know, in a real fucked
Speaker 1: up way. Obviously, I'm glad it didn't take off. And
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, it's us. Gay men are so responsible
Speaker 1: that we all just nipped in the bud before it
Speaker 1: became a thing. Yeah, like most gays, we love it
Speaker 1: for something. It becomes really big and then it's done.
Speaker 1: There's my second monkey pox. You can still see my
Speaker 1: second monkey pox shot. Oh wow, I can't see it.
Speaker 1: It was very interesting when that happened. You know. At first,
Speaker 1: it was like someone's like monkey pox is coming, and
Speaker 1: all the gays were like, girl, but not monkey pox.
Speaker 1: And then I met I had five people in my
Speaker 1: life who had it, and I was like, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: going to abstain from sex, or if I do, I
Speaker 1: will have I'll be open and honest with my sexual
Speaker 1: partners and wait till the vaccine is available. And then
Speaker 1: he said it it is eight percent effective after four weeks,
Speaker 1: and so I waited after four weeks. So basically July
Speaker 1: and August, I just didn't have any sex, which might
Speaker 1: not sound like a lot, but to gay men, and
Speaker 1: that's like yeah, I mean no, I understand. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: that's almost like seven years to a regular person, it's
Speaker 1: a long time. And I'm getting real tired of jacking off.
Speaker 1: So you know, sometimes I jack. I just do it
Speaker 1: like I'm going to the bank. I'm like, let's get
Speaker 1: this over. I just I'll pretend to be my own wife.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, not tonight, honey, I just can't. I'm
Speaker 1: so over jacking off. But yeah, we all we all
Speaker 1: didn't put in the butt. We did. The rates have
Speaker 1: gone down significantly. No one's talking about monkey pox. I
Speaker 1: still I'm talking about it because I like, I just
Speaker 1: I just can't believe how discriminatory that advisory was. You know,
Speaker 1: like gay men are the only people that can, like
Speaker 1: not the only people, but that's how you're gonna get
Speaker 1: it by anal sex. And it's like first of all,
Speaker 1: regular people are having anal sex, you know, not non
Speaker 1: gay people are having sex like it's a trend. It's
Speaker 1: odd and people are into it big time, and you'd
Speaker 1: be surprised if you didn't think you like it. You
Speaker 1: might surprise yourself and my like at all. I have
Speaker 1: a lot of girlfriends in l I who casually are like,
Speaker 1: have you tried an? I'm like, oh my god, really
Speaker 1: this is our conversation now, like, yes, I've tried an
Speaker 1: who has a tried? And my girlfriends like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. I'm like, first, well
Speaker 1: shut up. You sound like a fucking asshole. No pun
Speaker 1: intended again, you guys, honestly, this is like possessed. Do
Speaker 1: you see this thing? I'm not touching the table or anything,
Speaker 1: so it must just be we're haunted. We're being haunted.
Speaker 1: Bringing a Ghost Adventures show in here. It's my favorite show,
Speaker 1: by the way, Ghost Adventures they've been on for twenty
Speaker 1: nine seasons. They have not found a single ghost. Is
Speaker 1: my favorite show. Hosted by this asshole named Zach and
Speaker 1: he says every episode money mus Zach and I'm a demonologist.
Speaker 1: And my joke is, you know, my parents were disappointment.
Speaker 1: I told him I was gay. I cannot imagine if
Speaker 1: I had to sit them down and be like mom
Speaker 1: and dad, I'm going into demonology, they'd be like, we
Speaker 1: rather you suck a dick. At least it's there. I
Speaker 1: mean it is. I will watch the Travel Channel is
Speaker 1: now just ghost shows. That's it. Zach Osborne has a
Speaker 1: ghost show. Everyone's got one, and I will watch it
Speaker 1: when I'm on the road. I turn on the Travel
Speaker 1: Channel and just watch these assholes walk around houses for hours.
Speaker 1: I love it. It's so stupid, so stupid. When are
Speaker 1: people and people love ghosts, love it, They love outer space,
Speaker 1: they love UFOs, and they love aliens and ghosts and
Speaker 1: the US. At least there's like a video of a
Speaker 1: thing where like, well, what is that? That's a UFO?
Speaker 1: This ring light that's a ghost and that's a UFO. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I hate when anyone talks about anything like that. I've
Speaker 1: I've felt the presence of what would probably be a ghost,
Speaker 1: but I would never even focus on it for more
Speaker 1: than thirty seconds. Like my friend I dated this guy
Speaker 1: who had a house. I've been Shelter Island and it
Speaker 1: was fucking haunted. It was definitely haunted. The vibe in there,
Speaker 1: the energy. I was like, this is off. The doors
Speaker 1: would shut all the time, slam all the time, You'd
Speaker 1: hear footsteps creeping up the house, and I was like,
Speaker 1: you're evil. I can tell that you're evil and that
Speaker 1: your house is haunted, and that's why we're to break
Speaker 1: up because you would have a ghost in your house.
Speaker 1: You're fucking weirdo. I definitely have felt that, but then
Speaker 1: people really hyper focus on it. It's like, well, the
Speaker 1: ghost isn't gonna get you, it's not gonna come and
Speaker 1: stab you. And also we're never going to see them. No,
Speaker 1: we're not. We're never going to My mom is Italian Mexicans,
Speaker 1: so if anyone is Italian Mexican, immediately you have multiple
Speaker 1: ants in the family who speak to dead people. So
Speaker 1: you know, my mom has a sister that does. And
Speaker 1: it's just so funny to me. I don't believe in ghosts,
Speaker 1: like at all, not at all, I mean, but of
Speaker 1: course I'm scared. Like if I watched Insidious the other
Speaker 1: night with Nicole Buyer and I literally was walking home.
Speaker 1: I'm in New York. What's Insidious? I missed? That was
Speaker 1: like fifteen years ago. But it is like the first
Speaker 1: two acts of the movie are genuinely very scary. It's
Speaker 1: about a kid who goes into a coma and basically
Speaker 1: they find out when they get a psychic that he's
Speaker 1: astral projecting and the demon wants his body and he
Speaker 1: asked for projected too far and the demon captured his soul.
Speaker 1: Now his body is just laying there and they have
Speaker 1: to go into that world and bring him back. Chills.
Speaker 1: It's so scary, you have to watch it. Astral projecting. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like you sleep and you see yourself when you're sleeping,
Speaker 1: so basically your soul leaves your body and you kind
Speaker 1: of walk around and your and the kid is four
Speaker 1: or five, so we think, so I'm having all these dreams.
Speaker 1: Isn't that just sleepwalking? No, But like the body's there,
Speaker 1: his spirits doing okay, sorry, it's like a meditation thing too.
Speaker 1: It's a meditation thing. You're absolutely right when you meditate,
Speaker 1: because when you really get into deep meditation, you start
Speaker 1: to see your body sitting down or lying down and
Speaker 1: you can get away from it. That's happened to me
Speaker 1: before for sure. Well make sure demons coming to steal you.
Speaker 1: I'm a ghost. Okay, I'm a ghost that meditates. Okay,
Speaker 1: so we've decided you like quiet guys. That's that's pretty
Speaker 1: much it. That's all. We're looking for a funny quiet
Speaker 1: You can't believe in ghosts. Sexually compatible? What does that mean? Though?
Speaker 1: Sexually combatible? You know some of that turns you on.
Speaker 1: I guess chemistry. That chemistry, Yes, you're right, that's the
Speaker 1: proper word, not the homosexual me being like sexual. They
Speaker 1: have to like enjoy anal sex. I mean that's a
Speaker 1: prerequisite for being gay. I said, don't that's true. I
Speaker 1: have a friend who claims that he's never enjoyed anal sex.
Speaker 1: We actually have a caller today about that very issue. Amazingly,
Speaker 1: Oh is it? Okay, okay, great, this is I guess this.
Speaker 1: I guess this episode was curtailed for somebody. Oh that's perfect.
Speaker 1: I love us. Okay, Well, let's get started. We're going
Speaker 1: to give advice. You know how this goes, right, we
Speaker 1: give advice callers. People are fucking serious. So you have
Speaker 1: to put on your medical cap okay, your psychiaty, psychiatry, psychologist, whatever.
Speaker 1: Have my aunt's number on speed dial. Should we need
Speaker 1: to talk to ghosts. I'm a farm to table going
Speaker 1: to collegist, so I'll take care of the female anatomy,
Speaker 1: and you're going to take care of the male anatomy,
Speaker 1: and then any emotional problems will just jump it together,
Speaker 1: all three of us did. We'll take a quick break
Speaker 1: and we'll be right back with Chelsea and MATEO. We're back.
Speaker 1: We're back well. Our first email comes from Rachel. For context,
Speaker 1: g and her husband are about thirty five, and the
Speaker 1: couple of friends in this email are late twenties. Dear Chelsea. Recently,
Speaker 1: I had a friend and her husband over for what
Speaker 1: was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday night dinner. I
Speaker 1: prepared homemade lasagna and a delicious Tira messou from scratch.
Speaker 1: I would love to see that homemade lasagna, but go on,
Speaker 1: I'm believe he doesn't believe it. He's like, no, I'm
Speaker 1: a good hostess and always go above and beyond to
Speaker 1: make sure my house is spotless and my guests are comfortable.
Speaker 1: I asked my friend what time they'd like to eat
Speaker 1: so that I could have dinner prepared accordingly. She replied
Speaker 1: six pm. I worked for hours to shop, prepare, and
Speaker 1: cook the meal for every one and had it ready
Speaker 1: by six. Sounds annoying, by the way, this sounds like
Speaker 1: someone who's already complaining about too much, but I'll stick
Speaker 1: with you. Also, got to have people come earlier than
Speaker 1: you plan to eat, so you're not like sitting and
Speaker 1: eating right when they get there. But also, lasagna takes
Speaker 1: four hours to make anyways, Usually lasagna, if people come late,
Speaker 1: you throw back in the oven for fifteen minutes and
Speaker 1: you serve. It's not like we're already mad at her. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I hear you. I'm vegan and my guests are not,
Speaker 1: so I prepared to Lasagna's and chopped for ingredients that
Speaker 1: I normally wouldn't buy from my household. My friend texted
Speaker 1: me at five fifty two saying they were just leaving
Speaker 1: an event they attended earlier in the afternoon. At six thirty,
Speaker 1: she texted me again to let me know she'd picked
Speaker 1: up her baby from the sitters and was en route
Speaker 1: to the house Chelsea. They arrived a whole hour later
Speaker 1: than they said they would like to sit down and eat. Seven. No, six,
Speaker 1: there was the call time and they showed up at seven. Yeah,
Speaker 1: pay attention, you fucking too okay, oh, okay, fine. They
Speaker 1: show up, apologize, and we get ready to eat. In
Speaker 1: an unfortunate turn of events, her baby slipped and bumped
Speaker 1: his head. He was completely fine and uninjured, but this
Speaker 1: happened on her husband's watch. She freaked out and proceeded
Speaker 1: to rate her husband in front of me and my
Speaker 1: husband for the next twenty minutes. We decided to sit
Speaker 1: down and start eating. They ended up leaving a little
Speaker 1: over an hour after they arrived. I felt completely offended
Speaker 1: that they were an hour late. I feel that if
Speaker 1: they didn't have time to come to dinner, they shouldn't
Speaker 1: have accepted the invitation. I also feel annoyed with my
Speaker 1: friend for choosing to react to a simple accident so
Speaker 1: negatively in my personal space. If she needed to take
Speaker 1: a moment to collect herself, she could have gone outside
Speaker 1: or into another room to do so instead of subjecting
Speaker 1: everyone else to negativity like that. When they left, I
Speaker 1: was angry with her. Should I confront her or just
Speaker 1: never invite them over again? Thanks for listening, Rachel. You
Speaker 1: go ahead. Look, this woman should never mix with Italians
Speaker 1: because Italians will be an hourly and they will fight
Speaker 1: in front of you. So make sure she never books
Speaker 1: a ticket to Italy and if she does, to avoid
Speaker 1: Italians at all costs, and Jewish people will also be
Speaker 1: late and argue in front of you. I'm very comfortable.
Speaker 1: I have thirty four first cousins and we're all basically
Speaker 1: the same age. So I grew up with lots of
Speaker 1: yelling and screaming in the house and and food coming late.
Speaker 1: But we also laughed a lot and ate really well.
Speaker 1: I don't like people who are late, though, that is
Speaker 1: a pet peep of mind, so I do back her
Speaker 1: on that, Like if if you say you're gonna be
Speaker 1: at six o'clock, get her at six o'clock, that ship
Speaker 1: pisses me off. Okay, I have the opposite point of view.
Speaker 1: I don't care about the lateness. I care about the
Speaker 1: arguing in front of people. I feel like that's inappropriate.
Speaker 1: But I also feel like the way this letter was framed,
Speaker 1: she's it's too much. It's just too judge, Like who
Speaker 1: gives a ship? First of all, who's having dinner at six? Like? Why?
Speaker 1: And if you're being a hostess, part of being a
Speaker 1: hostess is being gracious to a degree, not to bend
Speaker 1: over backwards. You know what, I mean, but someone being late, fine, whatever,
Speaker 1: they had another situation, they had another event they were
Speaker 1: coming from, and then fighting in front of you I
Speaker 1: think is the worst, more offensive infraction. But also like, yeah,
Speaker 1: don't be friends with them. Sounds like she rubs you
Speaker 1: the wrong way. Like the whole tone of the letter
Speaker 1: means that you're in a state of irritability. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: could confront her, but to what avail? Is it that
Speaker 1: important of a friendship If it's a really important friendship
Speaker 1: to you, Yeah, you could say something. I would focus
Speaker 1: on the fighting, not on the actual tardiness, unless that
Speaker 1: happens again. They have a kid. You have to just
Speaker 1: kind of make accommodations for people sometimes, And I just
Speaker 1: don't like being so anally retentive that I have all
Speaker 1: these rules about how you're supposed to behave as a guest.
Speaker 1: That kind of negates the friendship to begin with. Like
Speaker 1: there's got to be room to move around, you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes your friends are not going to do exactly what
Speaker 1: you want them to do. So yeah, I mean, wise,
Speaker 1: do not make two different lasagnas that is a whole
Speaker 1: day operation. Makes something that takes the fresh ingredients you
Speaker 1: can put together that takes a half hour, so you
Speaker 1: can start cooking when they get there. Who says we're
Speaker 1: gonna eat six and then expect them to get there
Speaker 1: at six and then coming to sit down and start eating. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you walked to the door and sit down at the table.
Speaker 1: I mean that sounds annoying to Also, being a vegan
Speaker 1: is slightly annoying. Like, here's the thing. If they were vegan,
Speaker 1: that would be one thing. But she's vegan. She could
Speaker 1: have just cooked a vegan lasagna for everybody. Why not?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Let's not disgrace lasagna anymore than it
Speaker 1: was probably hard to disgrace in that oven that day. Anyways,
Speaker 1: either make a lasagna or you don't stop it. Once
Speaker 1: she heard about LASAGNI he's like, yeah, I don't believe
Speaker 1: this for one second. I know she used cottage cheese.
Speaker 1: I know she didn't make maschamel. I know the red
Speaker 1: sauces from mccan. I know that she didn't. I don't
Speaker 1: want to hear about it. My mother is men and
Speaker 1: I and I'm from Illinois as well, and my husband
Speaker 1: is half Italian. His mom is north side of the
Speaker 1: Chicago Italian and that is one of the greatest arguments
Speaker 1: of my marriage is cottage cheese versus ricotta cottage. Who
Speaker 1: are what side are you on? She probably is on
Speaker 1: the cottage. She's I'll tell you why, mateo, Because this
Speaker 1: fucking bitch takes hard boiled eggs in a big zip
Speaker 1: brock bag on a plane. How are you doing the
Speaker 1: rest of the flight. No one wants to smell your
Speaker 1: hard world on like four different airlines having I know,
Speaker 1: I know, she said to me. She came to ma
Speaker 1: Orca this summer. She and she revealed this like I
Speaker 1: was going to have a reaction. I said, excuse me,
Speaker 1: what do you We just had gone off about bare
Speaker 1: feet on planes and her vial that is, and then
Speaker 1: she reveals this and then sends me a photo to
Speaker 1: you know, trigger me further of her holding a snip
Speaker 1: blocked bag with twelve hard boils. I said, hey, what
Speaker 1: are you doing? She goes, it's protein. I go, there's
Speaker 1: protein bars all throughout the airport. You can get your
Speaker 1: protein in a variety of different ways. Literally, you deserve
Speaker 1: to get protein powder thrown in your face. And that's
Speaker 1: her protein for the meal. The weirdest thing is all
Speaker 1: of my friends, like I, you know, posted the picture,
Speaker 1: and so many of my friends were like, oh, that
Speaker 1: time you had hard boiled eggs just like saved my life.
Speaker 1: So many of my friends have memories of me with
Speaker 1: art boiled eggs. Now you're just remembering those, You're you're
Speaker 1: choosing to specifically remember the positive outcomes of hard boiled
Speaker 1: eggs instead of all of the negative domino effect instances
Speaker 1: that you And that's the hell that you've put people through.
Speaker 1: You know, it's selective memory. The fact that the T
Speaker 1: s A Agents had to look on their scanner and
Speaker 1: see twelve hard boiled eggs go through. I won't even
Speaker 1: eat a hard boiled egg, like in a small space,
Speaker 1: Like you have to get rid of the egg before
Speaker 1: you interact with a person. And also you need like
Speaker 1: a five minute window afterward, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Where do you put the shell? Probably takes the shells
Speaker 1: off before so that it all smells. Yeah, yeah, she does,
Speaker 1: listen and she does. She she's not taking the shells
Speaker 1: al they're peeled. It's quick, and then the bank gets
Speaker 1: filled again. But again, apologies. You know what. That reminds
Speaker 1: me of this scene an airplane where Leslie Nielsen is
Speaker 1: it who keeps having a hard boiled eggs and it
Speaker 1: keeps hatching eggs. And even when he was doing that scene,
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is so disgusting. And those were shelled
Speaker 1: because the cast and crew didn't want to smell hard
Speaker 1: boiled eggs all day. Well, I guess because humans lay
Speaker 1: shelled eggs. Also white cottage cheese. It's not it has
Speaker 1: no taste because it's too wet, and it's just it's
Speaker 1: it's a disgrace. That's how my my mom's mom made it.
Speaker 1: So that's how your mom's mom is wrong. There's yeah,
Speaker 1: you have no I mean men toite. What does that
Speaker 1: have to do with being Italian? Well, we're not Italian,
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. Like, that's why you're cottage cheese though,
Speaker 1: I mean you said we're Mennite, Like that's a backup
Speaker 1: for the cottage cheese. None of this makes sense. Are
Speaker 1: in the cottage cheese, eggs whatever you normally put into well, okay,
Speaker 1: off from memory eggs, A ragonel lasagna. I fucking hate,
Speaker 1: a regano I hate and you know what else I
Speaker 1: don't like. While we're on the topic of things that
Speaker 1: annoyed me, Rosemary, I don't like you know, I hate
Speaker 1: when Oh yeah, a lot of people don't like rosemary
Speaker 1: when it's on chicken or potatoes. That pisces me off
Speaker 1: because I love potatoes. But when there's a rosemary, it's
Speaker 1: like this. I used to work at this restaurant Roasty
Speaker 1: in Santa Monica, and they had rosemary chicken and potatoes,
Speaker 1: and I would always be like, who thought up this
Speaker 1: dumb recipe? And there was the biggest hit on the menu.
Speaker 1: People fucking loved it, and I was just like, rosemary
Speaker 1: reminds me of Christmas. I guess it's that pine needle
Speaker 1: kind of like it does look like you cut up
Speaker 1: a Christmas tree and roasted it on some potatoes, and
Speaker 1: smells a little bit like pine needles too. I do
Speaker 1: like Greek potatoes all cooked and lemon and chicken fat. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: of course, what's what's What do you have to say
Speaker 1: about that chicken fat is where it's at? What else
Speaker 1: do you put in it? I'm sorry we were so
Speaker 1: would be interrupted because no one respects you anymore if
Speaker 1: I can interrupt. I want to also say that, as
Speaker 1: I've known Catherine and her family, they have some questionable
Speaker 1: variations on traditional food like Italian food. Obviously, why would
Speaker 1: you put cottage cheese and alazon ya. That's ridiculous, it's
Speaker 1: just flavored. Asked her about the nachos, though, what are
Speaker 1: amish nachos? Catherine, Let's just attack all my ethnic backgrounds.
Speaker 1: So go on, We've we've destroyed the Italian side. Let's
Speaker 1: move on to the Mexican side. What have you done
Speaker 1: to them? And just know that obviously it includes cottage cheese.
Speaker 1: So again, if my parents don't have like four tubs
Speaker 1: of cottage cheese in the fridge at every moment, it's
Speaker 1: like not enough. So we lovingly call these amish nachos.
Speaker 1: But in our family, we love to eat potato chips
Speaker 1: with cottage cheese. That's That's how as a vehicle, I'm
Speaker 1: getting nauseous. Honestly, this is so nauseating. Was it's delicious.
Speaker 1: I had a boyfriend once. I'm just gonna switch topics quickly.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend used to eat potato chips dip them in salsa,
Speaker 1: and that was in the front. I don't understand that.
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing here?
Speaker 1: It's either ranch or straight up you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: You don't get to dip your potato chips and salsa,
Speaker 1: but then he would put so much salsa on the
Speaker 1: potato chip that that alone broke us up. I was
Speaker 1: so disgusted after months and months of being exposed to
Speaker 1: this behavior. I think we dated for years, but at
Speaker 1: the end of it, I was like they were like,
Speaker 1: what was the final straw, and like the potato chips
Speaker 1: in the salsa, I was like, that's where I couldn't
Speaker 1: take it anymore. It was so gross to see a
Speaker 1: potato chip dunked holy in salsa, like the ratio didn't
Speaker 1: add up and they get soggy. I broke up with
Speaker 1: a guy in college. He was beautiful, bright green eyes,
Speaker 1: like stunning, and I watched to make cold spaghetti, heat
Speaker 1: it up and put sour cream all over it, and
Speaker 1: oh no, literally called my cousin Megan. I said, I
Speaker 1: can't do it. No, no, no, no, no, that's disgusting.
Speaker 1: Even now, I even though I can't cook, but I
Speaker 1: know I can't cook. And even when I try and
Speaker 1: make something basic, I know like there are rules not
Speaker 1: to break in terms of what like even my scrambled
Speaker 1: eggs is basically what I make, you know, on the
Speaker 1: on the regular, and I know not to funk around
Speaker 1: with that in a gross way, like not to put
Speaker 1: too many things in, Like you can't put zucchini's and
Speaker 1: scrambled eggs. If you want vegetables, you can't put broccoli
Speaker 1: and scrambled eggs, and all of that is gross. You
Speaker 1: could put onions, you could put cheese, you could put
Speaker 1: tomatoes and spinach, and that's it, and then you have
Speaker 1: to draw the line, put them in the bag and
Speaker 1: bring them to the airport. Okay, who's our next color? Well,
Speaker 1: our next color is Marco. Marco, says dear Chelsea end Gang.
Speaker 1: I wanted to get your advice on a topic I
Speaker 1: know is near and dear to your hearts, sex or
Speaker 1: lack thereof. As a thirty year old gay man, I
Speaker 1: have finally come to the conclusion that I don't like sex.
Speaker 1: The thought of topping is a turn off for me,
Speaker 1: and quite frankly, I really don't like the idea of
Speaker 1: getting it from behind either. Ouch. Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: I have sex occasionally to meet a partner's needs, but
Speaker 1: so far it's not been enough to sustain any sort
Speaker 1: of lasting relationship. Two months is the longest I've ever
Speaker 1: dated a guy. This has made dating in the very
Speaker 1: daunting gay world a challenge. In the past, dates or
Speaker 1: short flings with guys always go well, but tend to
Speaker 1: go downhill once we hit the bedroom. I'm shocked that
Speaker 1: two months, I mean two months is like eight years
Speaker 1: for gays. Right, We've talked about that's good for him,
Speaker 1: it's a long time and gay. I get uncomfortable once
Speaker 1: we start having sex because I'm scared I won't be
Speaker 1: good at it, or because I just might not be
Speaker 1: able to do it. Most recently, I really hit it
Speaker 1: off with a guy. We hung out almost every day
Speaker 1: for a few weeks straight, and he seemed to like
Speaker 1: me just as much as I liked him. However, after
Speaker 1: a few unsuccessful attempts in the bedroom, he lost interest,
Speaker 1: and eventually he told me he didn't think he could
Speaker 1: foresee a future with me. He didn't tell me why,
Speaker 1: but I can take a hint. Typically, when dating, I'm
Speaker 1: not very upfront with my dates about being uncomfortable with sex.
Speaker 1: In a world where sex is put at the forefront
Speaker 1: of all relationships, I'm very embarrassed about my lack of ability.
Speaker 1: Please help yours in Christ, Just kidding Marco could save Marco. Okay, Marco,
Speaker 1: how will you're thirty? Correct? Okay? And what so what
Speaker 1: about blow jobs? Yeah, I'll wrote that. It's definitely different.
Speaker 1: I think with youn know, like it's doubly more like
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with it? Where's blow jobs? Not so much? Okay?
Speaker 1: But maybe your state of discomfort for it is because
Speaker 1: you haven't done it the proper way or experienced it
Speaker 1: the proper way because you're attracted to men, right, that's correct, yes,
Speaker 1: and you don't like penetrating men. I'd prefer not to
Speaker 1: know because why just you can be graphic if you
Speaker 1: need to be as fun honestly, like I just don't
Speaker 1: want to put my dick like where ship comes out,
Speaker 1: you know, Like maybe that's what the Republicans say. Are
Speaker 1: you a Republican? I'm not a Republican. I can understand that,
Speaker 1: but well, I guess mente you should probably feel this line.
Speaker 1: Question Do you have anxiety? Like do you deal with
Speaker 1: anxiety generally speaking? Like, so you are full of anxiety? Right? Yeah,
Speaker 1: definitely like an anxious person I've always been. Yeah. Okay,
Speaker 1: So so is it the actual act that that repels
Speaker 1: you or is it the anxiety of having to please
Speaker 1: somebody else or be involved sexual with somebody else that
Speaker 1: gives you so much anxiety you feel you can't perform.
Speaker 1: I honestly, I feel like it's definitely a mix of both.
Speaker 1: The cleanliness, like I said, aspect to it, well, the cleanliness,
Speaker 1: it's like, just make sure that either you do or
Speaker 1: someone else, which I hire a firehouse to come clean
Speaker 1: up my asshole before I have sex. I mean, it's like,
Speaker 1: you know those things that used to clean the sidewalk
Speaker 1: in the morning in New York, they're my best friends.
Speaker 1: But it's true. I've been to his place when he's
Speaker 1: had an entire fire brigade there, including the Dalmatian. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think maybe are you expressing this to your partner
Speaker 1: like partners you've been with, Like, look, I just want
Speaker 1: to you know that I have a lot of anxiety
Speaker 1: when it comes to anal and if we are going
Speaker 1: to go there, I want to make sure that you
Speaker 1: know that this is something that I'm having a hard
Speaker 1: time with and then maybe just right off the bat,
Speaker 1: being open about it will take some of the pressure away.
Speaker 1: And that's probably part of the problem is that I'm
Speaker 1: not open about it. I always like you're open to
Speaker 1: a podcast where millions of people listen, but not partner
Speaker 1: every Well, this is the first step. Yeah, yeah, this
Speaker 1: is the first step. I think it's important. But I
Speaker 1: think you know, when you're saying that your anxiety written
Speaker 1: and that's a base of your personality, probably then that
Speaker 1: is having a huge impact on your sexuality. Right. So
Speaker 1: the thing that like what RelA X as you? What
Speaker 1: do you do? What do you use as tools to
Speaker 1: relax you? Not I'm not talking about sex in this moment,
Speaker 1: but like in general, do you take anti anxiety medication?
Speaker 1: Does smoking weed relax you? What do you do all
Speaker 1: the above? I mean I actually I just started taking
Speaker 1: some anti depressants anti anxiety medicine, and then marijuana also
Speaker 1: helps alcohol exercise. I'm big on that. That always makes
Speaker 1: me feel so much better. I think first and foremost
Speaker 1: having more open conversations with people about it. I think
Speaker 1: you're going to find you're that you're not alone. I
Speaker 1: think other people probably feel that way, don't you think so, Mateo.
Speaker 1: Like in the gay world, there's a whole spectrum of
Speaker 1: ways that people are interested in having sex. Like some
Speaker 1: people are highly sexualized, some people aren't. And I don't
Speaker 1: think that you're not sexual. It sounds like you like
Speaker 1: all of that. Yeah, yeah, I mean, so I think
Speaker 1: you want to work towards having a more healthy kind
Speaker 1: of sexual more sexual knowledge about yourself, worrying about what
Speaker 1: since your asshole, Like everyone's thinking about that, but everyone's
Speaker 1: still having anal sex, you know what I mean. I
Speaker 1: don't want anyone to have sex with me in the
Speaker 1: butt and then puld their penis out and be covered
Speaker 1: in anything. Yeah, that's a fear of mind, but that's
Speaker 1: not a reality, and there's a way to avoid that
Speaker 1: from happening. Right. That's not something that necessarily happens, and
Speaker 1: it's something that you can definitely make not happen, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, if you're taking care of the situation,
Speaker 1: if that person is. But I think if you're more
Speaker 1: vocal about it, like, oh god, you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: this guy that just broke up with you or stopped
Speaker 1: talking to you or whatever, clearly stopped because you guys,
Speaker 1: it wasn't going anywhere sexually. I mean, that's obvious. And
Speaker 1: so in order to prevent that from happening in the future,
Speaker 1: I think you need to be a little bit more
Speaker 1: open minded with people and with yourself, you know, because
Speaker 1: you're not the only person that's felt this way. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I second that. I think there's relationships where gay men
Speaker 1: don't have anal with each other. That's fine. I mean
Speaker 1: that also just if you decide, hey, I don't like anal, great,
Speaker 1: find another partner who doesn't either. But I'm also saying
Speaker 1: that I think you might like it if you were
Speaker 1: able to prevent your fears from coming true. I think
Speaker 1: that you have this idea that anal sex equates to
Speaker 1: one thing. You know, let's not have to repeat that
Speaker 1: over and over because some people are eating breakfast. But
Speaker 1: I don't want you know, I don't want you to
Speaker 1: think that you don't like sex. I don't believe that's
Speaker 1: true right now, Like, I don't think you've put it in.
Speaker 1: How many times have you had anal sex Let's start there. Honestly,
Speaker 1: probably only like on two hands, ten or less, okay, right,
Speaker 1: and it's been done to you or you've done it
Speaker 1: to someone else. I've never been the receiving end on it.
Speaker 1: Movies topped. Okay, well, maybe you should also try that.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, you might like it up well, you know,
Speaker 1: with enough fabrication, it can be a very enjoyable experience
Speaker 1: and like, like, I want to like it, I really do.
Speaker 1: I just then try harder. If you want to like it,
Speaker 1: and you're attracted to men and you want to have
Speaker 1: a relationship, whether sexual or more you know, serious, like
Speaker 1: more than sexual and having a serious, like intimate relationship
Speaker 1: with someone, I think you need to have a little
Speaker 1: bit more experience, right And I don't think you should
Speaker 1: just go out and have sex with a bunch of strangers,
Speaker 1: but I think you should find people that are a
Speaker 1: little bit more like minded, or somebody who has more
Speaker 1: experience than you is going to be patient with you
Speaker 1: as a teacher and say, oh, okay, this is how
Speaker 1: we can prevent any of those things from happening. This
Speaker 1: is how I get myself prepared for anal sex, and
Speaker 1: this is and you can try it with different partners
Speaker 1: to find your comfort level, because it's there somewhere. And
Speaker 1: I think this is more anxiety written than anything else.
Speaker 1: Just by talking to you and you know, looking at
Speaker 1: you for sure, Yeah, no, absolutely, I know you're you're
Speaker 1: probably spot on there, So can you do that? Can
Speaker 1: you have more honest conversations like don't listen if someone says,
Speaker 1: fuck it. You don't you're not comfortable having anal sex,
Speaker 1: you don't haven't had that many good experiences with it,
Speaker 1: then that's not the right person. But I bet you
Speaker 1: you'll find somebody that's gonna be like, oh, okay, I
Speaker 1: get it. I also used to feel that way, or
Speaker 1: I also used to be intimidated or scared or thought
Speaker 1: I didn't want to, you know, be a bottom or
Speaker 1: a top or whatever it is. It doesn't matter. But
Speaker 1: I just think you need to have a little bit
Speaker 1: more experience and kind of put less pressure on yourself
Speaker 1: and experiments. That's what sexuality is, finding different things that
Speaker 1: you like with different people and being open to different things.
Speaker 1: There's so many things that I thought when I was
Speaker 1: growing up in high school that I was so judging about.
Speaker 1: I would never do that, or I would never give
Speaker 1: up low job. I'm not bullshit all these things that
Speaker 1: are so silly. You start to become sexually aware, like
Speaker 1: have more sexual exposure, and it empowers yeah, and then
Speaker 1: you're and then you find out the things that you like.
Speaker 1: Some of the things I thought I hated I really
Speaker 1: do like now. Yeah, And I think a lot of
Speaker 1: the focus is on what you're unable to do or
Speaker 1: you're not enjoying, And I think if you can give
Speaker 1: a spin on that and be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: here's what turns me on. Here is what I'm into
Speaker 1: you can drop into you're not into some other stuff.
Speaker 1: But also like maybe with a new partner, you just
Speaker 1: focus on, like, here's what really turns me on. It's
Speaker 1: blow jobs, it's whatever else. Huddling can be a part
Speaker 1: of you know what I mean, There's so much else
Speaker 1: that you can do other than just like penetration. Okay,
Speaker 1: so like re reframing, give it a spin, like, think
Speaker 1: about what you're into, and I think it really good
Speaker 1: at those things. So do you go out a lot?
Speaker 1: So I'm like, I'm not too big into like the
Speaker 1: gay scene or nothing, but yeah, occasionally I will go out.
Speaker 1: Yet but you're out as a gay man, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: it's correct? Okay? And do you did you date on apps?
Speaker 1: And do you do that stuff? Yeah? I mostly on apps?
Speaker 1: I'd say not grinder Okay, I mean there's nothing like
Speaker 1: and maybe I should if that's what well, because grindles
Speaker 1: you can be explicit. Hello homosexual who's not sure he
Speaker 1: likes anal dot dot dot anyone question mark and you
Speaker 1: can start surveying from there. So it's it's good. But
Speaker 1: cinder bumble, How does it work on bumble? Because usually
Speaker 1: with straight people it's the girl who writes first. So
Speaker 1: in this case, is it like the bottom bottoms on? Now?
Speaker 1: I think either way it works. Yeah, So many guys
Speaker 1: are gonna get mad at me. They're gonna say I'm
Speaker 1: bottom shaming and I'm a huge bottom, so I'm a bottom.
Speaker 1: I'm a bottom too. I don't like him do anything.
Speaker 1: They're excited. I just like to there, what do you
Speaker 1: do for work? So I'm like a little bit of everywhere.
Speaker 1: I work in a prison. So shifted, so good. You
Speaker 1: know you've got a great example. That's like two comedians.
Speaker 1: It's a race to get to that joke. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: guess that's maybe that's why I don't like any right,
Speaker 1: because you're seeing it at the most graphic plane. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think the thing for you to focus on in
Speaker 1: the immediate future is to be more communicative about what
Speaker 1: you are interested in and just frontload that right, and
Speaker 1: then you're gonna, i think, draw more people in that
Speaker 1: maybe feel the same way with you, or have an
Speaker 1: experience level where they'll have the patience to kind of
Speaker 1: learn with you and grow with you. But always front
Speaker 1: load because if you're because that's just going to add
Speaker 1: to your anxiety. When you're keeping something from somebody and
Speaker 1: then they get back to your house and they're expecting
Speaker 1: something to happen and you're not about to deliver that,
Speaker 1: then that's going to create anxiety for you. And you
Speaker 1: already have anxiety. So we want to just like take
Speaker 1: that out of the equation in any way we can.
Speaker 1: And also based on your first and last name, do
Speaker 1: you use cottage cheese in your lasagna? Yes, you do,
Speaker 1: my shame. Do you take hard boiled eggs onto planes
Speaker 1: with you? I would never do that. No, sorry, that
Speaker 1: would that would put my anxiety like through the roof.
Speaker 1: Not this being the most shameful part of the Internet.
Speaker 1: I hope that you really leave today with a whole
Speaker 1: new set of ideas. Okay, because he basically just served
Speaker 1: you to make in my life. Yeah you do, okay,
Speaker 1: So just to chill the funk out, okay, try to
Speaker 1: chill out. Yeah, just work on your communication skills. There's
Speaker 1: nothing to be ashamed of, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Honesty is the best thing always always, always front foot,
Speaker 1: with honesty, front load, front foot. I don't even know
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about. And good luck with you and
Speaker 1: your asshole. Thank you. I appreciate. Okay, keep was supposed
Speaker 1: if things change, let us know, and I want to know,
Speaker 1: Like you know, with the more experience, I think that
Speaker 1: you might enjoy sex more than you think you might,
Speaker 1: because it's a very human where animals most people want that,
Speaker 1: you know, we want. Yeah, okay, okay, I think we
Speaker 1: got up all right. Thanks so much, Marco, Thank you, guys.
Speaker 1: I appreciate. Thank you. Good Catherine. I hope you have
Speaker 1: some time to reflect late on this afternoon, because you
Speaker 1: know what he just was like, Listen, I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: down with cotta cheese. You thought you had someone on
Speaker 1: your team and guess what he was off your team
Speaker 1: two seconds he was like his face. It was the
Speaker 1: first time I saw him like his face crunch. Oh.
Speaker 1: He was cute. He was a high Yeah. I know,
Speaker 1: he's sweet. I wish I could adopt somebody like that
Speaker 1: and just lead them. He was so sweet. He's one
Speaker 1: of my favorite colors that we've had. I was so
Speaker 1: excited to Yeah, and honestly, the way he was talking
Speaker 1: to us, just talk to your partner that way. He
Speaker 1: was talking to Chelsea Handler about not wanting anal, Like,
Speaker 1: you can't say that in a private conversation with somebody.
Speaker 1: I know, this is pretty bold. Well, some people have
Speaker 1: a lot more. Yeah, I think it's hard. So sometimes
Speaker 1: people have a lot more a bigger issue with saying
Speaker 1: it in the moment, especially when it's intimacy. People have
Speaker 1: so many issues around intimacy. People are freaking weird, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean I I've had experience with that too, where
Speaker 1: I'm just like, you know, like you freeze or you
Speaker 1: don't want to disappoint. You don't know what the person
Speaker 1: is expecting, and that's it disappoint. You feel like you're
Speaker 1: going to disappoint the other person. Yeah, and you're right.
Speaker 1: Communicating that with somebody else takes away that shame and
Speaker 1: you can just have honest conversations with somebody. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: then you can conversely go too far in the opposite direction,
Speaker 1: Like I've had several one night stands where I was
Speaker 1: putting it out there right away, like just so you know,
Speaker 1: I'm here to sex, and that's that's backfired on me too,
Speaker 1: where guys like what do you mean you're just here
Speaker 1: to sex. It's like, well, wait, I thought that was
Speaker 1: gonna be the good thing for me to say, like
Speaker 1: we'll be on the same page, and guys are like,
Speaker 1: I mean, I've had guys surprised to my surprise be like, no,
Speaker 1: that's too forward. I don't like that. I don't like
Speaker 1: when a women talks like that and you're like, okay, well,
Speaker 1: I find so like I always I always feel like,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm a little too honest things sometimes, But whatever,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to change that. No, I don't think
Speaker 1: you should. Okay, So this is Chloe, Is it this
Speaker 1: about Chris Jenner? I mean, we can only hope. By
Speaker 1: the way, Chris Jenner sent me a satin pillow or
Speaker 1: silk pillow or whatever the funk it is, and I
Speaker 1: have to say it's magical. I've never had one of
Speaker 1: those because I just always thought, like, I mean, I
Speaker 1: do so much ship. We didn't get so many lasers
Speaker 1: that I don't have to worry about not getting crinkles
Speaker 1: on my face when I'm sleeping because I make up
Speaker 1: for I supplemented in other ways. But this silk pillow
Speaker 1: case or whatever her brand is I don't know what
Speaker 1: it's called, but it's delicious. Oh wonderful. I love that
Speaker 1: you call them crinkles. Also, I sleep on my side
Speaker 1: and I wake up my face looks like I've been
Speaker 1: sleeping a concrete all night. I know you can get
Speaker 1: one of those pillows that have like the little pads
Speaker 1: that come up so you put your head in it.
Speaker 1: I have one of those at my house and so
Speaker 1: you can't turn and they're really comfortable. I have so
Speaker 1: many different pillow stipulations. In the middle of the night,
Speaker 1: I have to change it up. Then at like three
Speaker 1: I need a different pillow. So I still need to
Speaker 1: meet your dogs. Oh, I know, hopefully before they cross over.
Speaker 1: There are two additional pillows. You're gonna be there in
Speaker 1: l A in February. I'll have them come to see
Speaker 1: one of your shows. I would love that they'll clap
Speaker 1: softly in the background. Oh, I'm miss bert Well, Chloe says,
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea. I married the love of my life a
Speaker 1: week ago today. Everything about our wedding day was so
Speaker 1: perfect except one thing. His mother was so far beyond
Speaker 1: disrespectful that I've cried almost every day since just thinking
Speaker 1: about it. She showed up intoxicated and walked up to
Speaker 1: us as we were taking pictures, right before having our
Speaker 1: first look. She had a rotten attitude right off the bat.
Speaker 1: Didn't compliment me or my dress, didn't say hi, and
Speaker 1: when I complimented her on her outfit, she blew me off.
Speaker 1: My sister complimented her as well, and she just walked away.
Speaker 1: Even though we were ahead of schedule, the schedule that
Speaker 1: my coordinator had made, she was trying to hurry pictures
Speaker 1: along and do things on her own timeline. She released
Speaker 1: her family to go get dinner before the DJ had
Speaker 1: announced it was time to eat, and before my husband
Speaker 1: and I had even dish up. She came up to
Speaker 1: us as we were walking around, trying to say hello
Speaker 1: to every table, clapping her hands at us and telling
Speaker 1: us to move it along and get the music going,
Speaker 1: even though the speeches hadn't even started and people were
Speaker 1: still dishing up food. I was firm and told her
Speaker 1: we were going by the schedule. The speeches were hilarious
Speaker 1: and heartfelt, though you wouldn't know it by the look
Speaker 1: on her face. She stared at us with a deadpan
Speaker 1: look across her face the entire time they were happening.
Speaker 1: It definitely took me out of what was supposed to
Speaker 1: be a funny and touching moment. There's more, but this
Speaker 1: email would be a college dissertation if I kept typing.
Speaker 1: She made me feel like absolute shit, and I certainly
Speaker 1: know her true feelings about me. Now my question is
Speaker 1: how do I handle this. I honestly never want to
Speaker 1: see her again, but obviously that's not an option. Though
Speaker 1: my husband is a hundred percent on my side and
Speaker 1: said we aren't going to her house for Thanksgiving. Thank
Speaker 1: you for reading this, and I look forward to any
Speaker 1: advice that you have with love Chloe. And Chloe did mention.
Speaker 1: I said, you know, is the drinking a habitual thing
Speaker 1: with her? And she says no, she hardly ever drinks.
Speaker 1: So that's why this was very out of character. Oh
Speaker 1: that's a twist, I thought for sure. Hi Chloe, Hi, Hi,
Speaker 1: You show up at Thanksgiving to her house and when
Speaker 1: I say wasted, I mean I don't even want you
Speaker 1: to be able to walk through the front door. I
Speaker 1: think that's a great strategy. Dontorry, I think Thanksgiving is
Speaker 1: not going to be happening. Also, are you a nurse?
Speaker 1: I am in dental hygiene school work. Yeah, so she's
Speaker 1: not a drinker, and she just got ways. She must
Speaker 1: have been nervous, right, I think. So she's just really
Speaker 1: emotional about the whole thanks, Like that's her only child
Speaker 1: getting married. I guess she should be happy that he's
Speaker 1: getting married. That's what I thought. So I was like,
Speaker 1: pretty honestly, like, I was pretty devastated when it just
Speaker 1: was the opposite. I'm like, aren't you happy for us?
Speaker 1: I am? Yeah, yeah, I think on see, you have
Speaker 1: to really feel pity for her, because, I mean, that's
Speaker 1: so sad that she ruined the wedding for herself and
Speaker 1: for so many other people. But listen, she didn't ruin
Speaker 1: your wedding. Don't let her ruin that day. I know
Speaker 1: you don't, because you're in love and you just said
Speaker 1: you married the love of your life. That's an unfortunate
Speaker 1: thing to have had happen. It will be funny in
Speaker 1: a certain amount of time. Yes, I was going to
Speaker 1: say the same thing. It's a funny story. She's a
Speaker 1: hot mess and her like complimenting your outfit and her
Speaker 1: not receiving the compliment about hers. Of course she didn't.
Speaker 1: She's fucking wasted. She can't even hear anything you're saying.
Speaker 1: You know, she's in a she was in a blackout.
Speaker 1: Probably does she have any recollection of the wedding? Do
Speaker 1: you know from your husband? Has he spoken to her?
Speaker 1: Oh there's a ghost in your house. Do you see
Speaker 1: that ghost that just went through your door? I swear
Speaker 1: we just saw a shutow. I'm sure it's the computer screen.
Speaker 1: So don't worry. Well, I love I love true crime
Speaker 1: and all that. So okay, Well that ghosts are a
Speaker 1: lot different than you cried. But whatever, it's true. Wow,
Speaker 1: it's not dark it started dark story. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: what did your husband say to her after the wedding?
Speaker 1: That's my thing is, like, we haven't there's been no communication. Really.
Speaker 1: All we had was just a text from her to
Speaker 1: my husband saying like I should probably apologize for some
Speaker 1: things I don't really remember. And that was it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know what happened.
Speaker 1: I would say, listen, as a bigger person, which you
Speaker 1: obviously are, just try to not take it so seriously.
Speaker 1: What happened. It's an incident, and you don't want to
Speaker 1: just hold all this anger and resentment towards her because
Speaker 1: she clearly obviously has issues. She probably had a really
Speaker 1: hard time with the day, losing her son in her mind,
Speaker 1: and she tried to, you know, help that situation by
Speaker 1: over stimulating herself. And I'm sure she regrets it. I'm
Speaker 1: sure she's in a very deep shame spiral. There's no
Speaker 1: way that you can act like that and not feel
Speaker 1: like an asshole afterward, you know what I mean, especially
Speaker 1: when you're not a drinker. She's not a normal drunk,
Speaker 1: so she's going to have shame about it. Obviously, give
Speaker 1: it some time, but try to forgive her, you know,
Speaker 1: let her apologize to you in due time, and if
Speaker 1: she doesn't, just go. You know, that was really unfortunate.
Speaker 1: It was a really unfortunate part of the day. Luckily
Speaker 1: it didn't ruin my day. But when I think back
Speaker 1: on that day, I do remember that, and that's that's
Speaker 1: always going to be with me and now you have
Speaker 1: to live with that. But don't hold this against her
Speaker 1: for the rest of her life, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Not going there for Thanksgiving, you're setting enough of a
Speaker 1: signal that's going to be devastating for her if that's
Speaker 1: her only son. And I do think you should find
Speaker 1: a way to make it funny. I know that sounds
Speaker 1: hard to do right now, but you either get like
Speaker 1: a caricature artist to draw like your wedding with her
Speaker 1: just like creeping in the background, drunk, clapping at birds,
Speaker 1: drinking like pist off every picture, just because there is
Speaker 1: something funny about being Nope, not like going back to
Speaker 1: the ghost, but you literally being haunted by a drunk
Speaker 1: woman the whole wedding, and it's kind of hysterical. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess you're right. It's everything really like rolls off
Speaker 1: my back and I like laugh everything off honestly. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I just had to really considered doing that with this.
Speaker 1: Give it, give it some in forgiveness. Yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 1: We both started laughing as soon as we've heard you
Speaker 1: they're your letter, not like in a way that we
Speaker 1: know it's going to be funny, because all things like
Speaker 1: this end up being hilarious, you know. So just you're
Speaker 1: you're gonna be fine. Don't don't harbor all this resentment
Speaker 1: towards her. I know it's going to take a little
Speaker 1: bit of time for you to get past it. You
Speaker 1: can be upset, but you know, try and understand where
Speaker 1: she's coming from. It's not an excuse, but you know,
Speaker 1: then you're the bigger person, and then there's really nothing
Speaker 1: to argue with and it might make you closer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's true. Yeah, especially if she does apologize. It is
Speaker 1: really kind of more sad than anything else. You know,
Speaker 1: it's just kind of pathetic, like that's the father or
Speaker 1: the mother of the groom. Yeah, the new mother in
Speaker 1: law of the ghost. The way you feel about it,
Speaker 1: it will loom less large in your mind. And I
Speaker 1: love this idea of like turning it into a joke.
Speaker 1: But when I got married, we had a situation where
Speaker 1: like it was the most rain in a hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty years. The person who was going to do the
Speaker 1: videography couldn't make it, and so it was like a
Speaker 1: cousin of somebody who wound up doing it. And for
Speaker 1: some reason, they decided after I walked down the aisle
Speaker 1: they should turn off the camera for a little while,
Speaker 1: and so they did, and then missed most of our
Speaker 1: ceremony and finally turned it back on like in the
Speaker 1: middle of the vows sort of thing. And I was
Speaker 1: so hurt and crushed by that that for years I
Speaker 1: didn't watch my wedding video, and then a couple of
Speaker 1: years ago I finally watched it back and realized there
Speaker 1: was so much more of the ceremony, which was only
Speaker 1: like twenty minutes long, but there was so much more
Speaker 1: than I remembered that was there, and it's such a happy,
Speaker 1: wonderful memory now. So like your feelings around it will
Speaker 1: change and you you'll feel better about it. The most
Speaker 1: mature thing you can do is to know that you're
Speaker 1: going to feel differently about this in a little bit. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess I was pretty recent, so maybe just some
Speaker 1: time I would be grateful. Listen, you have a great
Speaker 1: life ahead of you. You're with you the love of
Speaker 1: your life. You don't have time to Harvard resentment towards
Speaker 1: his idiot mother who cares. Yeah, and now you get
Speaker 1: to be married to him. Yeah, yeah, it's very exciting. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And hopefully you're the daughter that you are son that
Speaker 1: you guys create together, won't be an alcoholic like her grandmother.
Speaker 1: And for Christmas, center a bottle of vodka and say
Speaker 1: I thought of you. On every wedding anniversary, you can
Speaker 1: center a bottle of vodka and go happy anniversary. We
Speaker 1: know this is your favorite day. Okay, yeah, this already
Speaker 1: is funny to me. So thank you. Okay, take care,
Speaker 1: We love you. Thanks Chloe. Oh that was I'm glad
Speaker 1: we took that call. Good call. And I know it's
Speaker 1: like someone calls in with a serious problem that the
Speaker 1: two people are who sitting here and fucking laughing laughing
Speaker 1: at the very first sentence. But that is kind of
Speaker 1: what you need it Like, where when has anyone been
Speaker 1: to a wedding where there wasn't a drunk asshole. That's
Speaker 1: the thing. My mom always says, something goes wrong at
Speaker 1: every single wedding, whether somebody puts the cake in the
Speaker 1: sun and it falls over or whatever. My sister in law,
Speaker 1: the pastor, brought out a laser pointer in the middle
Speaker 1: of it. Like, something goes wrong and weird at every wedding.
Speaker 1: So this is just her thing. You know, what do
Speaker 1: you think went wrong at Tiffany Trump's wedding? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I saw the funniest thing. I have to show you, Matteo.
Speaker 1: You guys, I'll read this to you. Catherine, my friend
Speaker 1: just posted something so fucking funny. It's a picture of
Speaker 1: all of that picture of Tiffany Trump. Okay, she is
Speaker 1: my favorite of the Trump family. It's hard to have
Speaker 1: a favorite because it's like it's really it's Lana Trump,
Speaker 1: Marla Maples, Tiffany Trump in the middle, then Milania and
Speaker 1: then Ivanka. So they're all standing together and it says
Speaker 1: traditional family values standing between your mom and the chick
Speaker 1: you're dad cheated on your mom with who was standing
Speaker 1: next to your half sister, whose mom your tent sheeted
Speaker 1: on with your This is so solid, so solid. All Okay,
Speaker 1: well I figure on that note, we're gonna have to
Speaker 1: take a break and wrap it up. Yeah, okay, let's
Speaker 1: take a break. I'm gonna put poteto in the bubble
Speaker 1: bath and we're back, and we're back. Well, Matteo, we're
Speaker 1: going to wrap up. But is there any advice you'd
Speaker 1: like from Chelsea? There is advice i'd like from you.
Speaker 1: How do you handle criticism about your act? I mean,
Speaker 1: there's more evidence that points to your own success than
Speaker 1: there is that points to your own detriment. For me,
Speaker 1: I have enough experience to know that I have what
Speaker 1: I've got it. I've got the goods, and you know
Speaker 1: that you've got the goods. So for all those like
Speaker 1: little people who want to be in your ear or
Speaker 1: on your Instagram. Those aren't the voices that you have
Speaker 1: to care about, because you could look at like three
Speaker 1: hundred comments and you see one out of three hundred,
Speaker 1: and then we focus on that. No, you're focusing on
Speaker 1: the other two, right, But also what you're really focusing
Speaker 1: on is not ever paying attention to any of those
Speaker 1: comments either way, and focusing on the trust that you
Speaker 1: have in yourself as a performer. And I think that
Speaker 1: just gets louder and louder over time. You know, the
Speaker 1: more experience you have, the more you know that you
Speaker 1: know what's up and that you've got the goods. And
Speaker 1: that's all you have to say to yourself is I've
Speaker 1: got the goods. Yeah. Yeah, everyone should say that to themselves,
Speaker 1: regardless of what you do. Yeah, that's awesome, even if
Speaker 1: you're at a wedding drunk. Yeah, I've good. I just
Speaker 1: lost him. Okay, Well, Mattello, I love you so much.
Speaker 1: I thank you. What an entertaining, fun episode. Yeah, we're
Speaker 1: gonna have to have Matteo come back as a regular. Yes,
Speaker 1: it was really it really lightened things up. Yes, and Matteo,
Speaker 1: I do following you on Instagram and I think you're perfect.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Yeah. You want to see somebody who is
Speaker 1: multitalented and multifaceted. You can follow him on Instagram, TikTok
Speaker 1: where else? YouTube? Go to YouTube. He's putting out a
Speaker 1: special on YouTube soon. That's already out my YouTube page.
Speaker 1: Mataito Lane, Mattel Lane. Oh yeah, yeah, you guys go
Speaker 1: watch his special on YouTube. It's gonna you're gonna fucking
Speaker 1: thank us. And you can find him on Netflix's comedy specials,
Speaker 1: stand Out and the Comedy Lineup. Okay, have a great day.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Hi, don't forget to watch my special on Netflix.
Speaker 1: You guys revolution, It's a revolution. So if you'd like
Speaker 1: advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear
Speaker 1: Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stuff,
Speaker 1: produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad
Speaker 1: Dick Hurt.