WEBVTT - My Coworker Gets Away with Everything 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:05.840 My colleagues, We'll stop commenting on everything I get. My 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:08.280 assistant rolls his eyes at people and meeting. Why does 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:10.640 my coworker keep taking credit for all my ideas? Have 0:00:10.680 --> 0:00:13.960 any wisdom for me? Hi? I'm Alison Green. Welcome to 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:17.640 the Aska Manager Podcast. Right answer questions from listeners about 0:00:17.720 --> 0:00:20.440 life at work, everything from what to say if you're 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:23.080 allergic to your coworkers perfume to what to do if 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:28.360 you drink too much at the company party. Let's get started, Hi, 0:00:28.440 --> 0:00:30.720 and welcome to the show. Today. I'm going to answer 0:00:30.760 --> 0:00:33.600 a bunch of shorter questions from people. The first question 0:00:33.640 --> 0:00:37.720 today is from someone with a terrible coworker. Hi. There 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:41.400 so a little bit of back story. My coworker has 0:00:41.400 --> 0:00:43.519 a family member who is a pretty big deal in 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:47.360 the company. Said relative has since retired, but her legacy 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:50.960 sort of lives on. UM. My co worker seems to 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:54.920 get away with everything. She treats her superiors with no respect, 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:58.960 does whatever she wants, never has any consequences. Have literally 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:01.480 heard her say to our manager, no, I'm not going 0:01:01.520 --> 0:01:04.680 to do that and then just walks away. She's constantly 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:07.360 complaining about how busy she is. I think in hopes 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:09.600 that no one will assign her more work, but she 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:11.679 never even does the work because she's assigned to her, 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:14.400 and I end up getting stuck with it. I'm constantly 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:17.080 seeing her on a computer looking at real estate, shopping, 0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:20.440 just browsing the internet. Stop doing that, She's socializing with 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:23.000 other people. She just never does any work, and it 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:25.480 all falls on me. I'm getting sick of it. Whenever 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:27.319 I try to go to my manager, I get I 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:30.000 can't do anything about it. My hands are tied. If 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:32.160 I try to go to above my manager, I get 0:01:32.200 --> 0:01:34.760 scolded saying that she's not your problem, stay in your 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:37.760 lane and do your own work. You know, I'm just 0:01:37.800 --> 0:01:39.480 looking for what I can do to I don't have 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:41.640 to pick up her slack. Getting a little fed up 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:43.880 with it. Signed at a loss and drowning and someone 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:48.440 else's work. Okay. One of the biggest things to realize 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:51.200 in a situation like this is that while your co 0:01:51.320 --> 0:01:55.640 worker is terrible, your manager is the problem too. Because 0:01:55.640 --> 0:01:59.040 your manager is not managing, she's not doing her own job, 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:02.559 which is too deal with a situation like this now, 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:05.640 maybe it's not your manager herself who's the problem. Maybe 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:08.400 it's someone above her who's made it clear that this 0:02:08.480 --> 0:02:13.240 co worker is untouchable, but someone somewhere in the management 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:16.040 above you is just as much of a problem as 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:18.760 this co worker is, if not more, because they're being 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:22.000 negligent about the situation when they are the person who 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:25.880 is charged with dealing with it. Usually, when that happens, 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:29.239 it's because the manager in question is a whimp and 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:31.720 isn't willing to deal with the hassle and the awkwardness 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:34.560 of addressing this kind of situation and going through the 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.920 process of firing someone. I'm assuming firing would be the 0:02:37.960 --> 0:02:40.120 solution here because she sounds so far gone that it 0:02:40.160 --> 0:02:43.360 doesn't sound salvageable, although who knows. Maybe if someone in 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:46.480 authority were willing to address the situation head on, maybe 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:49.840 she'd shape up. But for our purposes here, it doesn't 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:52.560 really matter. What you need to know is that A 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:56.440 people above you are aware of the situation, and b 0:02:57.040 --> 0:02:59.560 they've told you pretty clearly that nothing is going to 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:03.440 change now. If you were asking me, how do I 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:06.360 be okay with this? That would be a different conversation, 0:03:06.800 --> 0:03:09.079 one about how to find a way to be comfortable 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:11.280 with such an obvious double standard for you and your 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:14.120 coworker but I don't think that's your question. I think 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:16.480 you're asking about how to not get stuck with her work. 0:03:17.520 --> 0:03:20.079 There are some things that you can try that might 0:03:20.240 --> 0:03:23.480 work beautifully, or you might try them and discover that 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:25.840 they don't work at all. But either way, if you 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:28.480 do give them a shot, at the end of this process, 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:31.280 you're going to have better data about your situation than 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:33.280 you do right now, and you'll be able to make 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:37.400 better decisions about where to go from there. So here's 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.720 what I would recommend. You. Presumably have a full time 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:43.960 workload of your own, so when your boss asks you 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:46.560 to take on your coworkers work, don't look for a 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:49.240 way to cram it all in, especially if that would 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:52.280 lead to you being overworked or stressed or pushing back 0:03:52.280 --> 0:03:56.360 other deadlines. Instead, when that happens, what you want to 0:03:56.400 --> 0:04:00.760 say is something like, I've got my hands full with X, Y, 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:02.680 and Z right now, so I need to take some 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:04.560 of that off my plate to make room for this. 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:09.760 In other words, don't be endlessly accommodating. Spell out for 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:12.440 your manager all of the work that's keeping you busy. 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:15.320 Be clear when you don't have room for more, be 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:17.800 clear about what the trade offs are that you and 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:19.600 she would have to make if she wants you to 0:04:19.640 --> 0:04:23.320 take it on and put that problem squarely back on 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:27.000 her plate, which is where it belongs. Does she want 0:04:27.000 --> 0:04:28.880 you to do less of something else to make room 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:32.120 for this, or does she want to find some other solution, 0:04:32.640 --> 0:04:37.160 such as perhaps managing your coworker or bringing in other help, 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:39.320 or whatever it might be that she decides to do. 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:43.560 You're conveying here the solution to this problem is not 0:04:43.600 --> 0:04:47.600 going to be you. Now. Once you do that, you 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:49.720 may get told that you just need to do it all, 0:04:50.000 --> 0:04:53.640 which would be tremendously unfair if your coworker is doing nothing, 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:57.400 but it could happen. If that happens, then at that 0:04:57.440 --> 0:05:00.000 point you need to accept, Okay, this is the situation. 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:02.240 I'm gonna have to do all of my coworkers work 0:05:02.320 --> 0:05:04.800 plus my own, And then you can decide if you're 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:07.880 interested in staying in the job. Knowing that those are 0:05:07.920 --> 0:05:10.280 the conditions that you've pretty much tried what you can 0:05:10.279 --> 0:05:13.560 try to determine that those are indeed the conditions, and 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:16.120 then you can decide if you'd rather go elsewhere or not. 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:20.960 Now there's one exception to this that can complicate things. 0:05:21.000 --> 0:05:24.080 A little bit if you actually do have plenty of 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:26.320 room on your plate to do your coworker stuff in 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:29.640 addition to your own. In some ways that makes this harder, 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:31.920 and in some ways it makes it easier. It makes 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:35.359 it easier and that you can actually physically do the 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:38.640 work without hardships, so you're not stuck trying to figure 0:05:38.680 --> 0:05:40.600 out how to cram it all in or taking on 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:43.560 a bunch of additional stress. But it makes it harder, 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:46.040 and that it's harder to push back on your boss. 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:49.480 You can't really say, well, if you want me to 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:52.359 do X, then I can't do why when it's really 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:54.960 clear to both of you that you actually could easily 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:58.440 do both. So if that's the case, this is less 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:02.680 about workload problem and more about just the fundamental unfairness 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:06.240 of the situation, And that would mean that you've got 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:08.520 to decide can you find a way to be okay 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:11.719 with that? Or maybe you can't. Sometimes it's doable, I 0:06:11.720 --> 0:06:13.960 mean sometimes you can sort of internally roll your eyes 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:17.520 your coworker and at your management and know that it's 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:21.440 ridiculous and unfair, but also no, okay, this is part 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:24.280 of the package of working here. And maybe you decide 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:27.359 that as frustrating as this is, it's worth it to 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:29.640 you to stay there for other reasons. You know, you 0:06:29.720 --> 0:06:32.320 have a great commute or a good salary, or you 0:06:32.360 --> 0:06:35.160 love the work, or whatever it might be. And in 0:06:35.200 --> 0:06:37.640 that case, maybe you focus on the fact that you're 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:41.919 building yourself a great reputation while you're terrible. Coworker is 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:44.440 building herself a pretty bad one, and that's going to 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:47.240 limit her options if she ever wants to work somewhere else, 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:50.919 or if her management at your company ever changes and 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:53.880 someone more competent comes in to manage her, she's going 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:56.960 to be in a very bad position. So you might 0:06:57.120 --> 0:07:00.080 find that just by focusing on that you can be 0:07:00.279 --> 0:07:04.680 okay enough with the situation. Or you might decide that, no, 0:07:05.040 --> 0:07:07.360 this is too frustrating and you don't want to deal 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:09.200 with it long term, and so you're going to look 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:12.640 somewhere else. Either of those is a legitimate way to go. 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:15.680 It's really just about getting really clear in your own 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:18.960 mind on what will and won't change about the situation, 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:22.680 making sure you test those assumptions by doing the sort 0:07:22.680 --> 0:07:25.360 of conversation that I described to your boss, and then 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:28.840 making decisions accordingly. But do try pushing back on the 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:32.160 extra work first and seeing what happens, because if up 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:35.040 until now you've just been taking it on with no pushback, 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:38.000 that might be the element here that you can play with. 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:40.960 Let's take a quick break here and then we'll come 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:51.720 back with another question. This next question is from someone 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:55.600 who's coworker might be leaving and she's interested in her job, 0:07:55.920 --> 0:08:00.200 but nothing is public yet. Here's the question. I book 0:08:00.200 --> 0:08:05.520 co worker who is generally pretty nosy and shares a 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:09.120 lot of gossip around the office, and she mentioned that 0:08:09.720 --> 0:08:12.320 one of my co workers who was in a position 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:19.440 that I've been wanting is talking about leaving. My supervisor 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:22.600 doesn't know this yet, and my coworker keeps calling me 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:27.360 into her office to advise me on dropping somethings to 0:08:27.440 --> 0:08:30.880 my supervisor, so that when the time comes from this 0:08:30.920 --> 0:08:35.880 person says that she's going to leave, that I'll already 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:39.200 be talking to him about wanting to physician. I feel 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:41.800 a little uncomfortable about this. It's not really my style 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:47.520 and it doesn't really fit UM in general the conversations 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:50.960 that me and my supervisor have UM, so I would 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:54.480 really love some help. My first reaction here is that 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:58.200 your coworker seems weirdly invested in this, not the one 0:08:58.200 --> 0:09:00.360 who's leaving, of course, the one who's to shing you 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.480 about this. It's one thing to mention to you that 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:05.480 your other coworker might be leaving and that you could 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:08.040 speak up since maybe be interested in moving into her job. 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:12.080 That's fine for her to suggest once, but the fact 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:14.880 that she keeps pulling you into her office to push 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:18.160 about this is strange, and it makes me wonder what 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:21.480 her agenda is. Maybe she's just a busy body. There's 0:09:21.480 --> 0:09:23.600 certainly lots of people who are just busy bodies. But 0:09:23.679 --> 0:09:26.240 I'm put off by how pushy she's being, and that's 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:29.000 something that is really none of her business. And I 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:31.640 also wonder if you're other coworker, the one who might 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:34.560 be leaving, even knows that this is happening, you know, 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:37.720 if she talked to your pushy coworker and confidence. It's 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.439 really not cool for your pushy coworker to be sharing 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:43.720 that news with other people. That's just speculation, though, since 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:45.720 I don't know all of those details. But those are 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:47.960 the first two things that I was thinking about when 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:52.000 I heard your question. As for what to do, I 0:09:52.080 --> 0:09:54.160 do think it's fine to mention to your manager that 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:57.200 you're really interested in moving into a position like your coworkers. 0:09:57.720 --> 0:09:59.800 Don't mention that you heard she might be leaving. That's 0:09:59.840 --> 0:10:01.760 not years to share. And I know that it doesn't 0:10:01.800 --> 0:10:04.120 sound like that's something you're contemplating doing anyway, but I 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:07.640 just want to emphasize that. But you could say something like, 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:10.560 you know, I'm really interested in moving into a role 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:13.760 like jeans. If that kind of position ever opens up here, 0:10:13.800 --> 0:10:16.920 I'd love to talk to you about it. That's it, 0:10:17.080 --> 0:10:19.760 just that. Don't keep bringing it up or anything like that. 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:22.760 But now you'll have planted the seed in your boss's mind, 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:25.680 and if you are really interested in moving into that 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:27.640 type of job. It's a good thing to mention anyway, 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:29.960 regardless of what might or might not be going on 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:32.280 with your coworker, because you never know. I mean, they 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:34.520 could plan to add a new slot and hire someone 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:37.079 for it without every realizing that you would have been interested. 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.720 So it's good to mention regardless. And it's not at 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.280 all weird to say something like that to your boss. 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:48.120 But do tell your pushy coworker that you appreciate the 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.680 heads up, but you respect your other co workers privacy 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:53.600 and you don't really want to keep talking about it 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:56.680 until she's made a public announcement that she's actually leaving. 0:10:57.280 --> 0:10:59.040 And then if she doesn't really listen to that, and 0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:01.680 she still keeps ling you into her office and kind 0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:05.040 of hounding you about this, it's okay to just say, 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:06.920 you know, I've got this. Thanks for giving me the 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:09.920 heads up, but I'm on it. Let's do another question, 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:12.400 and also, if you would like to record your own 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:15.439 question for the show, you can call eight by five 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:21.840 four T six work. That's T six nine six seven five, 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:24.120 and you can leave a voicemail for me to play 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:27.959 on the show. Okay, here is the next listener question. 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:31.760 This one is about food at work. Hey, Alison, this 0:11:31.880 --> 0:11:35.800 is Kelly um my question. So every day I take 0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:38.880 my breakfast to work. I definitely bring my lunch, and 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:41.640 I usually have a snack in the late afternoon, um 0:11:41.760 --> 0:11:44.400 the exercise after work, and usually don't eat dinner until 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:47.520 pretty late. Lately, I've been running into an issue with 0:11:47.559 --> 0:11:50.520 one of our HR managers. She commented about a month 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:53.160 ago that she feels like she's used me eating all 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.080 the time and wonders where it all goes, and she's 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.440 taken to making a comment every time she sees me 0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:01.320 with food, if any kind, even if it's at a 0:12:01.360 --> 0:12:07.240 normal time like lunch. These comments make me super uncomfortable. First, 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:09.920 I don't think it's anyone's business but mine when, what, 0:12:10.200 --> 0:12:12.079 or how much I eat, and I don't think I 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:16.439 should have to justify anything any of my habits. Second, 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:19.800 I have kind of a rocky relationship with food, and 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:22.520 I used to struggle with disordered eating. So when she 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:24.800 makes these kinds of comments, I just want to scream. 0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:28.320 When I used to not ear anything. Um. She makes 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:31.640 them directly to me and around other people too. Shout 0:12:31.720 --> 0:12:34.800 back with things like it's lunchtime, but it doesn't seem 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.520 to stop the comments. I get into a point where 0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:39.880 I don't want to eat or even carry my food 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:41.560 where she can see me because I know she'll make 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:45.320 a comment. But she sits near me, near the kitchen 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:47.439 and has even stopped by my desk to make these 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:50.319 kinds of jokes and comments I didn't notice. Seems like 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:53.080 such a petty issue, but for someone who hasn't does 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.480 struggle with their relationship with food, comments like this kind 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.720 of get to you. Um, how do I shut this 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:03.480 down without screaming? Crying or completely losing it. You know, 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:06.079 it doesn't seem like a petty issue at all, I mean, 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.480 particularly in your case because of the history of an 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:12.320 eating disorder. But it's crazy how many questions I get 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:16.720 that are some version of coworkers being inappropriate about food, 0:13:17.200 --> 0:13:19.840 commenting on other people's food, pushing food on them that 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:23.160 they don't want, making judge comments about what they're eating, 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:25.640 saying that they eat too much, saying that they eat 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:30.120 too little. It's like a weird national pastime. And I 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:34.160 think this question that you're asking is especially important because 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:37.839 it's a reminder that these comments, as annoying as they are, 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:40.440 they can be more than annoying too. If someone is 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:43.439 dealing with disordered eating or has a needing disorder in 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.600 their past, that kind of comment can go beyond annoying 0:13:46.640 --> 0:13:49.880 and actually be really harmful. And frankly, I mean, I'd 0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:52.440 argue that they're harmful no matter what, because as a 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:55.960 society we're just so incredibly weird about food and diets 0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:58.880 and bodies and it's not helpful to play into that. 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:02.320 But that's a separated plus. Let's take a moment to 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:05.840 note that the person doing this to you is in HR, 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:08.719 not that HR people all get training in this kind 0:14:08.760 --> 0:14:11.400 of thing, because loads of them don't. In fact, most 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:14.000 of them, I think don't. But it would be nice 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:16.679 if people in HR did hold themselves to a higher 0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:20.120 level of accountability about this sort of thing. But tons 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:22.800 of them don't, even in big companies where they should 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:25.840 know better. It's very strange. Anyway. If you want to 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:28.520 get this to stop, you've got two basic options, and 0:14:28.560 --> 0:14:32.800 they both revolve around being more direct. So the first 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:35.440 one is to just be direct in the moment, and 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:38.160 the next time she comments on your food or you're eating, 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:41.960 you could say, really directly, could you please stop commenting 0:14:41.960 --> 0:14:45.640 on my food? It's gotten uncomfortable. Or you could say, hey, 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:50.560 please stop commenting on my eating and just leave it there. Now. 0:14:50.880 --> 0:14:53.600 This is going to feel awkward and uncomfortable. If you're 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:55.560 sitting here listening to this thinking, oh my god, that 0:14:55.600 --> 0:14:58.320 sounds so rude, I would never be comfortable saying that. 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:01.880 I want to say, the fact that something feels awkward 0:15:02.160 --> 0:15:05.800 is not in itself a sign that you shouldn't be 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:09.520 saying it. Sometimes things are just awkward and that is 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:12.080 just how they're going to go. And in this case, 0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:15.840 she is actually the one making things awkward, not you. 0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:18.840 You've tried nicely hinting for her to stop, and she's 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:21.360 refusing to pick up on what you're saying. So you've 0:15:21.400 --> 0:15:23.840 tried giving her the benefit of the doubt. You've tried 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:27.560 being kind. It's not working, and at this point, if 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:29.600 you want to get through to her, you're going to 0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:32.600 have to be more blunt. And I know that lots 0:15:32.600 --> 0:15:36.200 of people really really don't like doing that because it 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:40.680 feels rude. So I want to emphasize you are not 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:43.360 the one being rude here. She's forcing you to be 0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:46.320 more direct than you would normally want to be by 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:51.000 being rude herself. The Captain Awkward Advice blog has a 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:55.600 great phrase for this. She calls it returning awkwardness to sender. 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:58.760 And that's what you'd be doing here. You'd be putting 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:02.480 the awkwardness backhere it originated from, which is with your colleague. 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:06.320 And really there's nothing wrong with a very simple hey, 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:09.480 this bothers me? Can you stop it? So that is 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:12.400 option one. You would have like a minute or two 0:16:12.400 --> 0:16:15.880 of feeling awkward and uncomfortable, but it would probably get 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:20.320 her to stop. The second option is something that you 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.480 may or may not be up for, and that would 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:25.520 be stopping by her office and addressing this in a 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:29.760 slightly more serious way. This might feel like making a 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:31.960 bigger deal out of it than you want to, and 0:16:32.000 --> 0:16:34.880 that's a completely fine reason to decide not to do it. 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:37.600 But there is some value in this approach if you 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:39.760 want to do it, because it would allow you to 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:43.600 have a more meaningful, potentially more meaningful conversation with her. 0:16:45.000 --> 0:16:47.720 So you could stop by and you could say something like, Hey, 0:16:47.760 --> 0:16:50.840 I wanted to make a request of you. I've noticed 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:53.480 that you really frequently comment on my food and other 0:16:53.520 --> 0:16:55.800 people's food, like saying that you don't know where I 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:58.560 put it all or so forth. I'm sure you're just 0:16:58.600 --> 0:17:01.720 making conversation and you mean well, but I want to 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.480 ask you to stop making those comments, at least to me. 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:07.639 You probably haven't thought of this, but a lot of 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:10.760 people have disordered eating in their pasts or are struggling 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:14.040 with it currently, and those kinds of comments can land 0:17:14.160 --> 0:17:18.320 much differently than you intend them. Now, that language isn't 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:22.560 revealing anything about yourself specifically, although she may read between 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:25.080 the lines and realize that it's likely that you might 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:28.000 be talking about yourself, and that might be more than 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:30.159 you want to do, And if you don't want to 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:33.280 that's totally fine. You still have option number one. But 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:36.200 if you're willing to take on the conversation, it might 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:40.120 be a real service both to her because she's unknowingly 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:44.119 walking around alienating people and making them feel uncomfortable, and 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:46.800 also to other people who are bothered by those comments too. 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:49.560 And you know, if she is a kind person, she 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:52.320 might feel a little stung in the moment, but she 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:55.440 will appreciate the feedback and she should come to realize 0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:57.879 that you're pointing out something that's important and that she 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:00.439 hadn't thought about. And if she's not a kind person, 0:18:00.640 --> 0:18:02.399 there's not much that can be done about that, no 0:18:02.440 --> 0:18:04.960 matter what you say to her. But it's worth starting 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:07.280 from the assumption that she is kind or at least 0:18:07.359 --> 0:18:11.359 reasonable and seeing what happens. Let's take our last break 0:18:11.359 --> 0:18:13.400 here and then i'll be back with another question from 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:25.840 a listener. Here's our next question. Dear Alison, I'm a 0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:28.840 librarian and I've always wanted to be one. Now I've 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:31.639 been one professionally for more than twenty years, and I 0:18:31.720 --> 0:18:35.080 am so unhappy. Current job has been rough in the 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:38.159 past four years in this toxic I'm excellent at what 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:40.880 I do, get good annual reviews, and want to do more, 0:18:41.400 --> 0:18:45.440 but the opportunities for internal advancements have dried up. In fact, 0:18:45.560 --> 0:18:48.080 I've heard more than once you've been here too long. 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:51.600 It's not unusual for academics to stay in a job 0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:54.840 due to location. But it's getting to me, especially when 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:58.399 I'm being passed over. The stress has gotten to be 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:00.800 too much and often shows up as any which I 0:19:00.840 --> 0:19:03.639 don't show it work, but bleeds all over my personal life. 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:07.040 And yes, I'm seeking help. I've been on the job 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:10.600 market for nearly three years, both locally and nationally. While 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.320 I had several really good interviews, none of that worked out, 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:16.000 and now my husband has achieved the equivalent of tenure. 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:19.200 So moving would have to make it the perfect job, 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:22.880 not just the next job. So I'm looking at leaving 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:28.240 librarianship my vocation and identity. For twenty years, you've wrote 0:19:28.240 --> 0:19:30.960 often on figuring out how to stay in a toxic 0:19:31.200 --> 0:19:34.280 or bad or limited job if you need to. I'm 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:36.800 not sure I can do that, which has turned into 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:40.840 a real soul searching issue. With the exception of ubiquitous 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:45.040 teenage jobs. I've never worked anywhere but a library. I 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:47.239 have a fantastic skill set that would hold me a 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:50.440 good stead outside of academia. But how do I come 0:19:50.480 --> 0:19:54.200 to terms with going from a vocation to a job? Oh? 0:19:54.200 --> 0:19:57.159 This is so hard. It's terrible to feel like you 0:19:57.240 --> 0:19:59.760 found work at fulfills you and then realize that you 0:19:59.760 --> 0:20:03.640 can't do it anymore for whatever reason. For the purpose 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:05.800 of answering this question, I'm going to take it as 0:20:05.800 --> 0:20:08.720 a given that you really do need to leave librarianship. 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:11.280 I don't have enough details to question your conclusion there, 0:20:11.640 --> 0:20:13.640 and you know your situation far better than I do, 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:16.480 so we will assume that you do, indeed need to 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:19.760 move into another field. I would not assume that you 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:22.240 will be going from a vocation, something that feels like 0:20:22.240 --> 0:20:25.879 a calling, to something that's just a job. Maybe you 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:29.000 will be, but it's very possible that you'll end up 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:31.679 doing something else that also does bring you some fulfillment. 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:35.800 Maybe not in exactly the same ways or the same quantities, 0:20:36.240 --> 0:20:38.520 but I suspect there's more than one type of work 0:20:38.520 --> 0:20:41.440 out there that you can find happiness in. I think 0:20:41.520 --> 0:20:43.800 it can be really hard to see that when you've 0:20:43.840 --> 0:20:46.720 been doing something for a long time, and your identity 0:20:46.800 --> 0:20:49.080 is wrapped up in it. In some ways, it's like 0:20:49.320 --> 0:20:52.800 ending a long marriage. But I want to urge you 0:20:53.200 --> 0:20:56.000 not to look at it as I was doing this 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:58.000 thing that I loved and now I'll just be working 0:20:58.040 --> 0:21:01.679 for a paycheck and nothing else, Because it's very likely 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:03.600 that there are other things out there that you will 0:21:03.640 --> 0:21:08.240