Speaker 1: If the help that you're giving actually makes them do
Speaker 1: less for themselves, then there's something you need to think about.
Speaker 1: Differentiating between constructive helping and dysfunctional help is really important.
Speaker 1: I'm rather Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Speaker 1: So me and one of my friends were having a
Speaker 1: conversation yesterday, and she is such a sweet person. She's
Speaker 1: a wonderful human being. She has this beautiful tendency to
Speaker 1: really want to help people. And I had conversation with
Speaker 1: her about someone that she is helping and has been
Speaker 1: helping year after year, a person who doesn't really appreciate
Speaker 1: or recognize the effort, who feels like they are owed it.
Speaker 1: They have quite a like the mentality where they don't
Speaker 1: really see it as effort, they see it as an expectation,
Speaker 1: and it just basically hasn't been making her feel good
Speaker 1: at all, and I've been seeing it progressively get worse,
Speaker 1: and honestly, we have quite similar tendencies. And I've also
Speaker 1: done this so much in my life. So I really
Speaker 1: can feel and understand all the angles that she's going through,
Speaker 1: and I can really see it from so many different perspectives.
Speaker 1: This can often be defined as and I have definitely
Speaker 1: diagnosed myself with this from a young age. After reflection
Speaker 1: is called the savior complex. And so if you're someone
Speaker 1: who's listening to this, thinking, oh my gosh, I've done this,
Speaker 1: this is what I do regularly in my life. I've
Speaker 1: had this pattern from a young age. Trust me, I
Speaker 1: had the same reflection and all this time I thought
Speaker 1: I was helping everybody, and I thought it was a
Speaker 1: really good person. I was like, oh, I'm just an
Speaker 1: agony on and I seem to be helping everybody, and
Speaker 1: it just seems to be I seem to attract these
Speaker 1: people in my life where I end up being the
Speaker 1: savior and I'm like, oh, I am so amazing that
Speaker 1: I do that for people. And then I realized had
Speaker 1: this moment of reflection, this like light bulb moment. I
Speaker 1: was like, I have a savior complex, Like this idea
Speaker 1: that I have, I have this desperate need to save
Speaker 1: other people. And it's probably because I was avoiding trying
Speaker 1: to save myself, and it felt easier to like, oh,
Speaker 1: that person is in need, let me help them. So
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm being useful. So I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm actually solving a problem, even though I'm not solving
Speaker 1: my own problems. And apparently there's this tendency that you
Speaker 1: end up seeking them out they don't seek you out. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe a mutual thing. Actually you are inviting that into
Speaker 1: your life and they are needing that, and so your
Speaker 1: need and their need end up matching, and so it's
Speaker 1: not you know, we're so used to being like I
Speaker 1: just don't know why these people come into my life. No, girl,
Speaker 1: you are inviting them into your life. And that's exactly
Speaker 1: what I was doing. And by the way, all these
Speaker 1: people were not bad. I loved helping so many of
Speaker 1: my friends in that way, but it was more of
Speaker 1: a reflection for me where I was like, oh, my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm not actually being this great person I thought I was.
Speaker 1: What I'm actually doing is trying to avoid my problems
Speaker 1: in saving other people, because that made me feel better
Speaker 1: about my own issues, or not even better about it,
Speaker 1: avoid it, but still make me feel like I was
Speaker 1: working on something. There's such a difference between motivating and
Speaker 1: inspiring versus trying to save someone nobody, and I mean this,
Speaker 1: nobody can save another person. And this one's a hard
Speaker 1: one to swallow. It's a hard one to really take in.
Speaker 1: But to overcome the need to fix other people, you
Speaker 1: need to start by fixing that need within yourself. It's
Speaker 1: not about fixing the other person. It's all about you
Speaker 1: and needing to fix whatever it is that's in you
Speaker 1: that's wanting to fix other people. And I've really been
Speaker 1: breaking that down over time. I'm still breaking it down. Honestly.
Speaker 1: It can't say I've come to any major revelations except
Speaker 1: for the fact that it was definitely my need to
Speaker 1: be needed and to be liked, And honestly, actually I
Speaker 1: had to come to a revelation. I think it just
Speaker 1: stemmed from being a young child. You never felt like
Speaker 1: I had many friends and was bullied and all of
Speaker 1: that stuff, which I'm sure many of us have gone through.
Speaker 1: But I didn't realize how it was manifesting in my
Speaker 1: life now because I thought I'd gotten over it really
Speaker 1: didn't feel like it affected me that much, and it
Speaker 1: didn't in a like, Oh, I get sad about it
Speaker 1: on a daily basis, but I think it created these
Speaker 1: habits and patterns in me that made me always feel
Speaker 1: like I need to do things for people for them
Speaker 1: to love me or like me or be my friend.
Speaker 1: Whether that was cooking for people, whether that was going
Speaker 1: out of my way for them, whether that was saving them,
Speaker 1: it all ended up. I think. I imagine it's from the
Speaker 1: fact that I thought, oh, if people don't like me,
Speaker 1: let me do things for them and then they will
Speaker 1: like me. I've definitely gotten better at it now, definitely
Speaker 1: been a become more of a no person, and even
Speaker 1: if I'm not, I'm able to recognize it, which is
Speaker 1: step one. But it is something I have to consciously
Speaker 1: work on to make sure that I am not leaning
Speaker 1: back into because if a pattern's been there for a while,
Speaker 1: it's so easy to get back into it and not
Speaker 1: notice because it's a bit more of a comfort zone
Speaker 1: for me than being someone who does have boundaries, barriers
Speaker 1: and tries not to fix people. I feel like it's
Speaker 1: pretty obvious if you have savior complex. It's not complicated.
Speaker 1: The signs are pretty clear. You feel good about yourself
Speaker 1: when you're helping someone. You expend way more energy trying
Speaker 1: to fix other people than you know how to fix yourself.
Speaker 1: And I say there the two major ones. So if
Speaker 1: both our ticks for you, then welcome to the club.
Speaker 1: Oh and actually I know the third one. When you're
Speaker 1: constantly trying to change people around you like that, if
Speaker 1: you try to change them more than accept them, then
Speaker 1: that is also a symptom of savior complex. Okay, I
Speaker 1: feel like the symptoms or the characteristics of savior complex
Speaker 1: are quite self explanatory, but let me break it down
Speaker 1: for you just in case. And you know what, just
Speaker 1: mentally in your mind do a ticnixt to the ones
Speaker 1: that I say. You feel good about yourself when you're
Speaker 1: helping people, You use more energy trying to fix others
Speaker 1: and then fixing yourself. You're trying to change people more
Speaker 1: than accepting them. You always need to find a solution,
Speaker 1: forever looking for a solution to every problem for someone
Speaker 1: you don't believe in just letting it be, no, I
Speaker 1: will solve it. No, there is a solution. And let
Speaker 1: me add in it's only me who can help. That's
Speaker 1: a good one. It's only me who can solve this problem.
Speaker 1: It's me who has to save them, and it's me
Speaker 1: who has to fix this. So if you have a
Speaker 1: tick next to maybe three or more of these welcome
Speaker 1: to the club. You don't get a price, you don't
Speaker 1: get a sticker, but you do get to be part
Speaker 1: of this club that is forever trying to improve, change
Speaker 1: and get better at this woo welcome people. And honestly,
Speaker 1: I do find that women especially tend to do this.
Speaker 1: It's really part of our feminine energy to be really
Speaker 1: motherly and to be caring. And sometimes though that line
Speaker 1: between help that is helpful and help that is not
Speaker 1: helpful can feel quite blurry. And so it really got
Speaker 1: me thinking this week about how much help is too much?
Speaker 1: How do we know when to stop helping someone, and
Speaker 1: why do we get this savior complex? Like where does
Speaker 1: it really root from? So over years, as I've done
Speaker 1: this with various people in my life, I've drawn the
Speaker 1: line at this, if you're doing more than they are
Speaker 1: to help themselves, If the effort you are putting in
Speaker 1: to help someone is less than the effort that they
Speaker 1: are putting in to help themselves, then that is probably
Speaker 1: a sign that you are helping too much. And look,
Speaker 1: we're not kids anymore. It's so different when it's a
Speaker 1: mother child relationship. But when we're adults, we all have
Speaker 1: this responsibility to ourself and to others to do our
Speaker 1: part in our lives. But you can't expect someone else
Speaker 1: to do all the work for you completely, So asking
Speaker 1: for support is absolutely necessary. Asking for support is a
Speaker 1: beautiful thing to do. Being able to be vulnerable and
Speaker 1: asking for that help that is part and parcel of
Speaker 1: living within a community and having a friendship. But a
Speaker 1: person should not be expecting you to put in eighty
Speaker 1: percent of the effort and for them to give twenty
Speaker 1: percent when it is for them. So you really have
Speaker 1: to reassess that balance of help that you are giving
Speaker 1: and noticing if the help that you are giving is
Speaker 1: far more than the help that this person is giving themselves.
Speaker 1: So the first thing you have to start off by doing,
Speaker 1: and that's what I did, was start to reassess the
Speaker 1: help balance that existed between my relationships, my friendships with
Speaker 1: friends and family and seeing if I am putting in
Speaker 1: more effort to help them then they are putting in
Speaker 1: for themselves. The second thing is the moment you start
Speaker 1: to feel used, you start expecting something in return, or
Speaker 1: you begin to feel quite bitter about the help that
Speaker 1: you are giving, it's probably time to reevaluate what it
Speaker 1: is that you are giving, and it's probably a sign
Speaker 1: that you're pushing past your own capacity and your boundaries.
Speaker 1: And that's okay. We need to have boundaries, We need
Speaker 1: to be mindful of the capacity that we have to
Speaker 1: be able to give to other people while still being
Speaker 1: able to maintain ourself. And it actually doesn't even matter
Speaker 1: whether in the other person's eyes they are or they
Speaker 1: are not asking for too much, or whether their intention
Speaker 1: is to use you or not, because really it's just
Speaker 1: a sign to you that in those moments, if you
Speaker 1: are feeling bitter, if you are looking for more reciprocation,
Speaker 1: if you are feeling anger or resentment towards that person,
Speaker 1: that is a sign to you that you have reached
Speaker 1: your boundary or your limit and giving beyond that will
Speaker 1: always end up resulting in this pain of frustration. So
Speaker 1: see that as a symptom. Like whenever you end up
Speaker 1: seeing these symptoms occur over and over again when you
Speaker 1: are doing something for someone, see that as a symptom
Speaker 1: or a sign that your body, in your mind is
Speaker 1: telling you that you are pushing your boundary and you
Speaker 1: may be beyond your limits. The thing is it starts
Speaker 1: to really create this tension in your friendship or your
Speaker 1: relationationship too, and so it's not good for you, it's
Speaker 1: not good for them, and it's definitely not good for
Speaker 1: the relationship that you're trying to build on. And this
Speaker 1: applies whether it is time, energy, physical resources, a skill
Speaker 1: that you have. It can relate to every single part
Speaker 1: of life of how we are giving. There are so
Speaker 1: many different ways that we can give to someone and
Speaker 1: all of this applies to each one of them. The
Speaker 1: third thing to take into consideration is if the help
Speaker 1: that you're giving actually makes them do less for themselves,
Speaker 1: then there's something you need to think about. Differentiating between
Speaker 1: constructive helping and dysfunctional help is really important. So let
Speaker 1: me fool you in. So. Constructive help is actually help
Speaker 1: that promotes someone's growth and independence, independence being a really
Speaker 1: crucial word here. It helps them to grow individually for
Speaker 1: themselves in a way that you give them the help,
Speaker 1: but it also allows them to figure it out for
Speaker 1: themselves to build the root for themselves. Dysfunctional help is
Speaker 1: what promotes dependency and need on you as a person,
Speaker 1: and if you are taking the load off them. If
Speaker 1: you're doing the worrying, you've got the anxiety for them,
Speaker 1: you're planning out their life, you're helping them get to
Speaker 1: where they want to be, You're doing all the little
Speaker 1: steps in between that gets them there. When you're doing
Speaker 1: that on behalf of someone else, it basically tells them
Speaker 1: that they don't need to be invested in helping themselves
Speaker 1: at all, Like they don't need to do the work
Speaker 1: if you're doing it for them, what's the need. What's
Speaker 1: the point of two people doing the same thing. And
Speaker 1: so if that's repeated over and over again, where you
Speaker 1: come in and you save the day and you make
Speaker 1: it all better, you're actually stopping them from being able
Speaker 1: to save themselves and create that drive and motivation inside
Speaker 1: of themselves to do so. I actually remember when I
Speaker 1: was younger. Me being the younger child, I kind of
Speaker 1: got a free pass in a lot of ways, and
Speaker 1: I became really lazy because I had my entire family
Speaker 1: who were there ready to love for me, to care
Speaker 1: for me, to look after me, but also to save
Speaker 1: me when I needed, and I would I got into
Speaker 1: the habit of leaving my homework till the last minute.
Speaker 1: I would not study properly for my exams and my family.
Speaker 1: My sister best say like she would always you know,
Speaker 1: she would actually want to be the one to say,
Speaker 1: you know, she can do it by herself, she can
Speaker 1: get this done. And my parents would be like, no, no,
Speaker 1: we have to help her naturally, as you do for
Speaker 1: your child. You just want to be able to support
Speaker 1: them and love them and give them that. But what
Speaker 1: it made me realize is after a while of having
Speaker 1: that over and over again, Like by the way my
Speaker 1: sister would like stay up all night to help me
Speaker 1: finish writing a piece of coursework or help me do
Speaker 1: an assignment, my parents would do the same for me.
Speaker 1: They just go above and beyond to help. They would
Speaker 1: fix the problem that I had created for myself. So
Speaker 1: they were always swooping in and doing that for me.
Speaker 1: Now they were obviously doing it of love, but the
Speaker 1: fact is it almost stopped me from one believing that
Speaker 1: I can do it on my own, and two it
Speaker 1: made me so lazy, and it made me keep repeating
Speaker 1: that pattern over and over again because I never built
Speaker 1: the route myself. I didn't complete the journey ever on
Speaker 1: my own terms, in my own way, and so I
Speaker 1: didn't build that road or route to success that I needed.
Speaker 1: So sometimes the help is just not helping, and you
Speaker 1: need to be able to step back, take a second,
Speaker 1: have a look and see that if patterns are still repeating,
Speaker 1: if behavior doesn't change in the person that you are helping,
Speaker 1: and if they get back to the same habits even
Speaker 1: after you've helped them, then they're not learning or doing
Speaker 1: what they need to actually grow and be able to
Speaker 1: create that for themselves. There's that quote, right, like the
Speaker 1: definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and
Speaker 1: over again and expecting a different result. And that is
Speaker 1: exactly the same when it comes to people and our
Speaker 1: mindset to the next thing is starting to ask yourself,
Speaker 1: is my action helping them to get better? Or is
Speaker 1: it making me feel better? Right? Like, is what I
Speaker 1: am doing for them helping them get better? Or is
Speaker 1: it making me feel better? Now? When I started asking
Speaker 1: myself that question, it really like it just blew so
Speaker 1: much up in me, Like I was like, way, I
Speaker 1: really started questioning myself like am I actually doing this
Speaker 1: to be a loving person? Or am I doing this
Speaker 1: because it is feeding a part of me and almost
Speaker 1: feeding a part of my ego that's allowing me to
Speaker 1: feel useful and allowing me to feel superior in some way,
Speaker 1: or allowing me to feel like I am beneficial in
Speaker 1: this person's life. Right, it's giving me value of some sort.
Speaker 1: And if your whole relationship is based on you helping
Speaker 1: them and the thought of them not needing you in
Speaker 1: that way doesn't make you happy for them, you should
Speaker 1: really reevaluate that help because sometimes what happens is right,
Speaker 1: you end up being so used to someone relying on
Speaker 1: you it starts making you feel good. Then when they
Speaker 1: start becoming independent, it threatens your value in their life
Speaker 1: because if that's all you've been there for them for,
Speaker 1: you don't think about what your other options are in
Speaker 1: their life, Like who will you be in their life
Speaker 1: if you are not playing this role and so really
Speaker 1: taking a look at that, like am I helping them
Speaker 1: because I want to help them succeed? Or am I
Speaker 1: helping them because it's making me feel so much better
Speaker 1: about myself? Because if we love someone, you should be
Speaker 1: helping them so that they can be better. And if
Speaker 1: them being better doesn't make you happier than them needing you,
Speaker 1: then you're helping them for the wrong reasons. I'm going
Speaker 1: to actually repeat that one more time just so it
Speaker 1: sits in deep. If them being better doesn't make you
Speaker 1: happier than them needing you, then you are helping them
Speaker 1: for the wrong reasons. And I actually asked my friend
Speaker 1: this yesterday when I was speaking to her. I said,
Speaker 1: are you sure you're not doing it because you just
Speaker 1: feel valuable in his life? Then you're finding some sort
Speaker 1: of worth and value and how much he has needed
Speaker 1: you all these years, and how you're that one person
Speaker 1: that he goes to solve everything. I knew I needed
Speaker 1: to ask for that because I noticed that pattern in
Speaker 1: my life and I actually realized I was probably doing
Speaker 1: it to avoid a lot of work that I needed
Speaker 1: to do in my life. So by solving and working
Speaker 1: on other people, it was a way of feeling false
Speaker 1: like productive. Right, I felt productive. I felt like I
Speaker 1: was resolving something. I felt useful, but I was doing
Speaker 1: it in someone else. I was like, let me fix
Speaker 1: them so I can avoid fixing myself. Creating these boundaries
Speaker 1: and realizing that it doesn't take away from the love
Speaker 1: or care that you have for them in any way.
Speaker 1: If anything, it actually strengthens it. Because at first it
Speaker 1: may be a bit of a shift right, They're like, wait,
Speaker 1: why are you stopping this? This was your way of
Speaker 1: showing love to me or showing care to me. Why
Speaker 1: is that changing now? And yes, there may be a
Speaker 1: period of time where you go through this uncomfortable shift
Speaker 1: in friendship or in relationship and a different dynamic, but
Speaker 1: it actually ends up allowing your bond to be stronger
Speaker 1: because it's not based on need and it's based on want,
Speaker 1: and you start doing things with the right intention and
Speaker 1: that makes you feel so much better as well. We
Speaker 1: also have to realize that's sometimes what you want for
Speaker 1: someone is not necessarily what they want for themselves. And
Speaker 1: I remember for me when I would help people or
Speaker 1: give advice, I would say, the only reciprocation that I
Speaker 1: want is for you to do this for yourself, for
Speaker 1: you to commit to these things that make you better,
Speaker 1: for you to take on my advice, Like I want
Speaker 1: to help you, but I also want you to take
Speaker 1: on what I'm saying because I know that you can
Speaker 1: do this. And I do think that if someone asks
Speaker 1: you for help, I do think there should be some
Speaker 1: sort of accountability, especially if it's in resources. Let's say
Speaker 1: someone asks you for money, or someone asks you for
Speaker 1: aid in some way, right, you're investing your time, your energy,
Speaker 1: your money, whatever it is, in them. And yes, I
Speaker 1: think in reciprocation, someone should feel accountable to keep letting
Speaker 1: you know that they are trying, They are trying to
Speaker 1: be accountable to what they have asked you for. They
Speaker 1: are working on themselves in that way. Continuing to bail
Speaker 1: them out every single time they do something actually teaches
Speaker 1: them that it's okay to disrespect you and break agreements
Speaker 1: and that you'll still be there for them. And so
Speaker 1: for your own sake, you should really be prepared for
Speaker 1: whoever it is you're advising. You should be prepared that
Speaker 1: that friend may not take your advice. That friend may
Speaker 1: not do all those things that you help them set up,
Speaker 1: because the fact is they may not be ready to
Speaker 1: become that person, or they may not even want to
Speaker 1: become that person or do the things that you are
Speaker 1: telling them or advising them to do. So, if you
Speaker 1: do want to give them advice, then do this for yourself.
Speaker 1: Release the expectations you have or the attachment to the
Speaker 1: expectations you have for what you expect in return from them,
Speaker 1: because you're only going to end up being disappointment. The
Speaker 1: more expectation you have, the more disappointed that you will
Speaker 1: be if something doesn't go the way that you intended. Also,
Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself, am I being invited to help?
Speaker 1: Or am I inviting myself? And you won't invite yourself
Speaker 1: to a party, So why do we invite ourselves other
Speaker 1: people's lives? And that's a really important one because I
Speaker 1: have this friend, like every time I go back to London,
Speaker 1: not the friend I was talking to her before, but
Speaker 1: another friend. There's so much stuff that she wants to
Speaker 1: do in her life, and I really want to help
Speaker 1: her get there, and I want to. I just wanted
Speaker 1: to help her achieve because I see so much in
Speaker 1: her that she wants to do, and I know that
Speaker 1: she's also unhappy. You know, I see her after a
Speaker 1: while and the first thing I'm saying is, so did
Speaker 1: you do this? Did you do this that we talked
Speaker 1: about last time? Let's set up a plan. Let me
Speaker 1: help you if you want to. You know, if it's
Speaker 1: let's say, getting to the gym, let me help you.
Speaker 1: Let's you know, we can go together. If it's about
Speaker 1: her work, I'll be like, let's set up a plan.
Speaker 1: Let's set up a system to get you where you
Speaker 1: want to be. And what I realized was she'd never
Speaker 1: actually asked for my help. What I was doing was
Speaker 1: inviting myself into her life to be able to help her.
Speaker 1: But also that's a sign most like we have to
Speaker 1: allow people to ask us when they want help. And yes,
Speaker 1: sometimes you see someone struggling and so you offer it.
Speaker 1: But a lot of the time, if you're constantly inviting
Speaker 1: yourself in, it may be that they are not yet
Speaker 1: ready to make those changes, and so it may be
Speaker 1: necessary in the future when they ask, But what you're
Speaker 1: doing right now may just be wasted because they don't
Speaker 1: have the capacity to make those changes. So, whether it's
Speaker 1: an old relationship, whether it's a new friendship that you're starting,
Speaker 1: if you do notice those patterns in yourself and you're
Speaker 1: noticing yourself creating foundations based on that, then it's something
Speaker 1: that really start becoming aware of. I really think awareness
Speaker 1: is the beginning of many many things in our life,
Speaker 1: like to just become aware of where you stand in
Speaker 1: people's lives, how the relationship is growing, and what your
Speaker 1: place is in their life, and what your natural tendencies
Speaker 1: are to do when someone is in need and if
Speaker 1: you tend to Oh. This was another sign for me
Speaker 1: from a really young age. My mom would be like,
Speaker 1: you're such an agony, aren't like you always have all
Speaker 1: your friends coming to you to solve their problems or whatever.
Speaker 1: And at that time I would be like, no, Mom,
Speaker 1: They're just my friends and they just need me. And
Speaker 1: what I realized was sometimes when you become that person,
Speaker 1: you actually end up attracting people into life who need that.
Speaker 1: I think that's a really interesting sign. We always end
Speaker 1: up being like, oh, I just seem to have those
Speaker 1: people in my life, but actually, unfortunately, it may be
Speaker 1: that we are inviting them into our life based on
Speaker 1: what we are looking for in a friendship, like we
Speaker 1: actually seek them out rather than them seeking us out.
Speaker 1: And that's really important to remember too, that I think
Speaker 1: there's a tendency to like blame that outside or blame
Speaker 1: other people for things before we look internally at ourselves.
Speaker 1: There's this term used in psychology called pathological altruism, and
Speaker 1: it's a term that's used for when you attempt to
Speaker 1: do good to support the well being of others, which
Speaker 1: actually ends up resulting in unanticipated harm. So you may
Speaker 1: set out to do good, but actually it ends up
Speaker 1: as either harming that person, or maybe it ends up
Speaker 1: harming you and causing damage to you. So we have
Speaker 1: intention or effort to do good, but it results in
Speaker 1: harm of some sort to the other person, physical, emotional, mental.
Speaker 1: Another big sign that your help maybe doing more harm
Speaker 1: than good is when you see no change after repeated
Speaker 1: attempts to help someone. So I remember doing this over
Speaker 1: and over again, where you keep giving the same speech,
Speaker 1: you keep giving the same motivational encouragement, you keep sharing
Speaker 1: the same pieces of advice over and over a game.
Speaker 1: You give all the advice, maybe even all the resources
Speaker 1: that the person needs, and for a short period of time,
Speaker 1: maybe twenty four hours, maybe even a couple of days,
Speaker 1: maybe even a week, the person seems to be in
Speaker 1: better spirits, but then inevitably, a couple of days later,
Speaker 1: they fall back into their same pattern, the same habits.
Speaker 1: Life of the conversation didn't even happen. And it's true,
Speaker 1: in that moment that person may have felt so much better.
Speaker 1: But in that respect, what you end up doing I
Speaker 1: remember reading it somewhere where it calls it the drug effect.
Speaker 1: So your pep talks become little pick me ups that
Speaker 1: provide this small brief relief, this temporary relief to the
Speaker 1: person and brings them some sort of comfort, but it
Speaker 1: actually ends up being counterproductive because it removes them from
Speaker 1: this feeling of urgency to change, that push and that
Speaker 1: drive to change because of the sad or angry or
Speaker 1: upset state therein. And so sometimes these negative emotions that
Speaker 1: they're feeling are the propeller or the push and the
Speaker 1: drive to actually get the change going. So then if
Speaker 1: you bring them back into this place of comfort, into
Speaker 1: this place of feeling okay about their situation, that they
Speaker 1: feel supported and okay, and you know what, maybe being
Speaker 1: in this situation isn't actually that bad because I've got
Speaker 1: someone who's constantly there to help me. It actually makes
Speaker 1: them take a step back, It actually makes them less
Speaker 1: motivated to create real change. So it may actually make
Speaker 1: them feel more comfortable and make them feel better about
Speaker 1: their situation and make you feel better because you've uplifted
Speaker 1: that person in some way and you feel useful that
Speaker 1: you've actually helped them. But in fact, what they may
Speaker 1: actually need is the discomfort to spur on and activate
Speaker 1: the change that's actually necessary. And so there's one thing
Speaker 1: about creating temporary change, Like it's easy to make commitments
Speaker 1: and stick to it for a day, stick to it
Speaker 1: for two days. But there's a big difference between encouraging
Speaker 1: someone to make a change for one or two days
Speaker 1: because they think, oh, let me please this person, or
Speaker 1: let me also try and like show that I can
Speaker 1: do it. But actual change comes with consistency, and the
Speaker 1: only way someone will get consistency is honestly by them
Speaker 1: wanting to, by them creating those habits for themselves. You
Speaker 1: can't create a habit for somebody else. It just doesn't
Speaker 1: work because at the end of the day, when that person,
Speaker 1: when you end up upsetting that person, when you end
Speaker 1: up removing yourself from their life, when you end up leaving,
Speaker 1: all that change goes with you. And so the change
Speaker 1: has to and let me repeate that, the change has to,
Speaker 1: the work has to, The habits have to come from
Speaker 1: that person, not from you. There's this other theory in
Speaker 1: psychology called learn helplessness, which says that repeatedly helping someone
Speaker 1: without encouraging their independent problem solving can make that person
Speaker 1: passive and overly reliant on others, so they end up
Speaker 1: reducing their own effort and shift accountability to the helper.
Speaker 1: And so that's exactly what's happened here, Like that's exactly
Speaker 1: what happens every single time you over extend, you overhelp,
Speaker 1: You put yourself into someone's life more than necessary, which
Speaker 1: then makes them think, Hey, I'm just gonna, you know,
Speaker 1: take my foot off the accelerator because somebody else is
Speaker 1: pushing this car for me. So what's even the need
Speaker 1: double energy wasted? Why am I going to put in
Speaker 1: the effort if someone else's The problem with that is
Speaker 1: as soon as you stop pushing, the car slows down
Speaker 1: or stops moving, and it's not your car, so eventually
Speaker 1: you will have to take your foot off the pedal
Speaker 1: and they'll be left stranded in the middle of nowhere.
Speaker 1: And so the problem is the person just doesn't learn
Speaker 1: to handle disappointment. You end up saving them. They don't
Speaker 1: learn how to be resourceful on their own, and so
Speaker 1: you actually rob them of the chance to learn to
Speaker 1: be as emotionally practically independent as they need to to
Speaker 1: really have healthy mutual relationships with other people. Because as
Speaker 1: soon as you start training that person to create those
Speaker 1: habits with people, those habits will probably repeat in different
Speaker 1: relationships or in different different places in their life, and
Speaker 1: so they become dependent on people based on what they
Speaker 1: can give them, rather than actually creating meaningful relationships with them.
Speaker 1: I guess the lesson here is that real help empowers someone,
Speaker 1: which is a huge sign that your help is actually working.
Speaker 1: And harmful help enables someone to continue their negative patterns
Speaker 1: and bad behavior. And you know what I was just
Speaker 1: thinking about. We've been talking so much about how it
Speaker 1: creates negative effect on them, but actually what about you? Like,
Speaker 1: what about when helping someone else is actually harming you?
Speaker 1: There have been times where I've thought giving up you know,
Speaker 1: my needs, my opinions, my principles or values is the
Speaker 1: solution to make someone else happy, Like, oh, you know,
Speaker 1: my needs aren't as and my opinions aren't as important.
Speaker 1: And to show that I love this person, to show
Speaker 1: that I care for them, let me just bow out,
Speaker 1: let me just mute what I feel, let me just
Speaker 1: reduce my needs, let me just take away my opinions
Speaker 1: to help them feel better about themselves. Or you know,
Speaker 1: you're sacrificing yourself for another person's in inverted commas betterment.
Speaker 1: So I guess the idea here is I'll give up me,
Speaker 1: and I'll decrease my own importance or the value of
Speaker 1: what I am giving for the sake of the larger course.
Speaker 1: Like no, no, no, I'm not doing too much for you.
Speaker 1: I'm not giving you too much. I'm not pouring too
Speaker 1: much into you. Let me make you feel better by
Speaker 1: telling you what I'm doing is okay, because it will
Speaker 1: make you feel better about yourself when in reality you
Speaker 1: probably are giving too much, probably are doing too much,
Speaker 1: but you don't want to say that to make the
Speaker 1: other person feel bad. I read someone that this mindset
Speaker 1: can actually come from how we've seen others do it
Speaker 1: when we're younger, or being taught from a young age
Speaker 1: that when you make others happy, you feel good about yourself,
Speaker 1: or giving in and helping others results in someone liking
Speaker 1: you or doing something back for you, and so that
Speaker 1: can happen from a young age. It's almost like if you
Speaker 1: stop crying, Mommy will be happy. If you stop, If
Speaker 1: you stop doing this annoying thing that I'm getting angry at,
Speaker 1: Mommy will love you more, Daddy would love you more,
Speaker 1: or you know, whether it's a relationship when you were
Speaker 1: younger that you've been in those patterns really do stick
Speaker 1: with you, and so trying to like also reflect on
Speaker 1: where is this come from? Has this come from parents
Speaker 1: when I was younger? Has this come from a really
Speaker 1: young relationship that I created these patterns in? Where does
Speaker 1: this actually stem from? Where's the route? Because usually finding
Speaker 1: that out can really help you realize that maybe you
Speaker 1: haven't worked through those things, which is causing you to
Speaker 1: repeat those patterns now. And the problem is being a
Speaker 1: resource in someone's life may make you feel useful, but
Speaker 1: it's not fulfilling meaningful relationship. Consciously or subconsciously. You end
Speaker 1: up becoming a resource and then they start to treat
Speaker 1: you as that because you've created that really relationship, and
Speaker 1: so being a resource is so much more of a
Speaker 1: transactional relationship. It's like business, I'm going to provide for you.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you these things whenever you need me.
Speaker 1: But what are you actually giving back? Like what's that
Speaker 1: person actually providing in your life to fulfill you? And
Speaker 1: it can't be that it makes you feel good to
Speaker 1: give to them. I think that it ends up being
Speaker 1: a broken cycle. And if we are people that like
Speaker 1: feeling needed being useful in someone's life, can sometimes be
Speaker 1: mistaken for someone valuing you in their life. I really
Speaker 1: need you in my life. They'll say, I really need you.
Speaker 1: What am I going to do? How am I going
Speaker 1: to do this without you? I can't make these changes
Speaker 1: without you. You're the reason I'm making these changes. And
Speaker 1: so you end up feeling valued in their life. But
Speaker 1: it's not value. It's often they just see you as
Speaker 1: a resource. And so they are very two different things.
Speaker 1: And make sure you understand that if in your mind,
Speaker 1: if they're coming to you when they're in need and
Speaker 1: you end up providing them the same resource over and
Speaker 1: over again, you are a resource. You are not valued
Speaker 1: in that relationship. And look at the the day. It
Speaker 1: is so normal. It's such a normal human thing to
Speaker 1: be a support system for one another. That is a
Speaker 1: normal human thing to want to do. We give, we
Speaker 1: get nourished from other people, other people nourish us. It's
Speaker 1: a beautiful cycle in that. But reciprocation is necessary, and
Speaker 1: when support ends up being the main part of the relationship,
Speaker 1: it is time to reassess what that relationship really is.
Speaker 1: So just remember real help empower someone to get on
Speaker 1: their own feet and to do what they are trying
Speaker 1: to do by themselves. You are supporting. You are not
Speaker 1: the main character, and harmful help enables the person to
Speaker 1: maybe make that change for a week or a day,
Speaker 1: but it actually makes them reliant on you, and that
Speaker 1: is not real help. That is harmful help. I also
Speaker 1: think that it's such a beautiful thing to want to
Speaker 1: help people, right, like we are all just human. Compassion
Speaker 1: is so necessary, and all we want to do is serve.
Speaker 1: It's part of our human nature to want to serve,
Speaker 1: to give, and to love other people. But real change
Speaker 1: only really occurs in someone when there's a shift in
Speaker 1: their perspective, like in the way that they see themselves
Speaker 1: and the world and the situation that they're in. And
Speaker 1: no matter what someone does for you, unless you are
Speaker 1: able to do it for yourself, it's almost just putting
Speaker 1: a band aid on something, right, unless you are actually
Speaker 1: helping someone to come to their own conclusions. Like that's
Speaker 1: what I've actually realized. True support is right. True support
Speaker 1: is not coming to someone's rescue and doing it for them,
Speaker 1: even though that feels like the easier option, even though
Speaker 1: it feels like you're doing you're taking a lot of
Speaker 1: burden off them. You are but you're also taking away
Speaker 1: their power to be able to do it themselves. And
Speaker 1: I think that that's a really really important distinction to make.
Speaker 1: Helping someone come to their own conclusions and empowering them
Speaker 1: to help themselves is the biggest, bestest form of support.
Speaker 1: And you know there will be times in your life
Speaker 1: where you may have to put in a lot of
Speaker 1: effort for someone, but you'll know if that pattern keeps
Speaker 1: repeating that what you're doing doesn't help. Right, Like, there
Speaker 1: may be a burst a time where someone really needs
Speaker 1: all your focus, your attention, they've gone through something really horrible,
Speaker 1: then you need to be there to support them. And
Speaker 1: that's a different type of scenario to one where you
Speaker 1: are noticing yourself having a repeated pattern of helping someone
Speaker 1: over and over again, probably about the same thing. And
Speaker 1: reflecting on ourselves before we see all the fault in
Speaker 1: another person is always a better place to start for
Speaker 1: a clear idea of what changes need to happen. So
Speaker 1: I recommend honestly sitting down and just coming to the
Speaker 1: like coming to a realization first realizing what relationships you
Speaker 1: need to take a look at, and then reflecting on
Speaker 1: the savior complex, Like, is that something that you have
Speaker 1: if it's not and that's not the reason, then reflecting
Speaker 1: on your boundaries and where you need to set them,
Speaker 1: and then recognizing where does it feel a bit sour,
Speaker 1: Where does it end up feeling a bit bitter to
Speaker 1: what part, like what areas of my life do I
Speaker 1: feel those feelings of resentment? Who do I feel them towards?
Speaker 1: And what part am I giving too much on? Because
Speaker 1: sometimes we can be really free with our energy and
Speaker 1: our time, but maybe if someone asks for our physical resources,
Speaker 1: we feel a little bit more resentful or we take
Speaker 1: that more seriously. Or it could be that you're actually
Speaker 1: really happy giving a lot of your resources. You have
Speaker 1: abundance in your life, and so you're really happy with
Speaker 1: giving things or money, but your time and your energy
Speaker 1: are really important to you, and so creating boundaries in
Speaker 1: specific areas they won't be the same with each thing,
Speaker 1: and so notice which parts trigger you and create that
Speaker 1: need to protect yourself. Anyway, I just wanted to share
Speaker 1: on that topic because it was something I've been thinking
Speaker 1: about so much this week, and I really think can
Speaker 1: help to help your relationships get so much better, to
Speaker 1: help you in your own mind and your own heart
Speaker 1: to figure out areas that you need to improve on,
Speaker 1: because we're all here to grow and to change, and
Speaker 1: also recognize the weeds that we have in our heart
Speaker 1: before we recognize the weeds and others. And just because
Speaker 1: sometimes life just becomes things become so normal, right, like
Speaker 1: we end up thinking things are so normal in our
Speaker 1: life and when we take a second, like I only
Speaker 1: started reflecting on this by having this conversation and advising
Speaker 1: my friend, and I had to remember and I reflected
Speaker 1: back on all the times I've also done that. So
Speaker 1: sometimes having triggers of like conversations and hearing things like
Speaker 1: this can really help you to enhance and reflect at
Speaker 1: your own life. So I hope that was useful, and
Speaker 1: I really do hope that some of these things were
Speaker 1: good food for thought. But I also hope that this
Speaker 1: conversation is going to be helpful for you to take
Speaker 1: away and improve your life in some way and your relationships.
Speaker 1: So thank you all so much for listening and sending
Speaker 1: your so much love for this week.