WEBVTT - Is Your Help Doing More Harm Than Good? Signs It's Time to Stop Helping Someone 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.120 If the help that you're giving actually makes them do 0:00:03.279 --> 0:00:07.080 less for themselves, then there's something you need to think about. 0:00:07.440 --> 0:00:13.960 Differentiating between constructive helping and dysfunctional help is really important. 0:00:14.480 --> 0:00:17.600 I'm rather Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:21.480 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:00:21.560 --> 0:00:25.640 for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 0:00:25.680 --> 0:00:29.080 to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:31.640 So me and one of my friends were having a 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.919 conversation yesterday, and she is such a sweet person. She's 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:38.040 a wonderful human being. She has this beautiful tendency to 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:41.240 really want to help people. And I had conversation with 0:00:41.280 --> 0:00:45.559 her about someone that she is helping and has been 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:49.280 helping year after year, a person who doesn't really appreciate 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:53.920 or recognize the effort, who feels like they are owed it. 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:57.160 They have quite a like the mentality where they don't 0:00:57.160 --> 0:00:59.600 really see it as effort, they see it as an expectation, 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:02.520 and it just basically hasn't been making her feel good 0:01:02.560 --> 0:01:05.759 at all, and I've been seeing it progressively get worse, 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:10.199 and honestly, we have quite similar tendencies. And I've also 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:12.920 done this so much in my life. So I really 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:17.520 can feel and understand all the angles that she's going through, 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:20.480 and I can really see it from so many different perspectives. 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:23.759 This can often be defined as and I have definitely 0:01:23.800 --> 0:01:28.440 diagnosed myself with this from a young age. After reflection 0:01:28.959 --> 0:01:32.480 is called the savior complex. And so if you're someone 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:34.520 who's listening to this, thinking, oh my gosh, I've done this, 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:36.600 this is what I do regularly in my life. I've 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:38.600 had this pattern from a young age. Trust me, I 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:41.240 had the same reflection and all this time I thought 0:01:41.240 --> 0:01:42.840 I was helping everybody, and I thought it was a 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:45.160 really good person. I was like, oh, I'm just an 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.240 agony on and I seem to be helping everybody, and 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:49.400 it just seems to be I seem to attract these 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:51.160 people in my life where I end up being the 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:54.040 savior and I'm like, oh, I am so amazing that 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.880 I do that for people. And then I realized had 0:01:57.880 --> 0:02:01.720 this moment of reflection, this like light bulb moment. I 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:06.080 was like, I have a savior complex, Like this idea 0:02:06.720 --> 0:02:10.200 that I have, I have this desperate need to save 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:13.720 other people. And it's probably because I was avoiding trying 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:16.160 to save myself, and it felt easier to like, oh, 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:18.880 that person is in need, let me help them. So 0:02:18.960 --> 0:02:20.799 I feel like I'm being useful. So I feel like 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:23.360 I'm actually solving a problem, even though I'm not solving 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:26.960 my own problems. And apparently there's this tendency that you 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:29.560 end up seeking them out they don't seek you out. Well, 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:33.200 maybe a mutual thing. Actually you are inviting that into 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:35.240 your life and they are needing that, and so your 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:39.359 need and their need end up matching, and so it's 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:41.480 not you know, we're so used to being like I 0:02:41.520 --> 0:02:43.760 just don't know why these people come into my life. No, girl, 0:02:44.080 --> 0:02:46.959 you are inviting them into your life. And that's exactly 0:02:47.040 --> 0:02:49.000 what I was doing. And by the way, all these 0:02:49.040 --> 0:02:50.880 people were not bad. I loved helping so many of 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:53.000 my friends in that way, but it was more of 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:55.600 a reflection for me where I was like, oh, my gosh, 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:59.000 I'm not actually being this great person I thought I was. 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:02.000 What I'm actually doing is trying to avoid my problems 0:03:02.040 --> 0:03:04.160 in saving other people, because that made me feel better 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:06.840 about my own issues, or not even better about it, 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:08.920 avoid it, but still make me feel like I was 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:12.320 working on something. There's such a difference between motivating and 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:17.480 inspiring versus trying to save someone nobody, and I mean this, 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:20.839 nobody can save another person. And this one's a hard 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:25.160 one to swallow. It's a hard one to really take in. 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:28.800 But to overcome the need to fix other people, you 0:03:29.000 --> 0:03:33.440 need to start by fixing that need within yourself. It's 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:36.800 not about fixing the other person. It's all about you 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:39.119 and needing to fix whatever it is that's in you 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:43.080 that's wanting to fix other people. And I've really been 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:48.120 breaking that down over time. I'm still breaking it down. Honestly. 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:51.000 It can't say I've come to any major revelations except 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:53.640 for the fact that it was definitely my need to 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:56.920 be needed and to be liked, And honestly, actually I 0:03:56.920 --> 0:03:58.280 had to come to a revelation. I think it just 0:03:58.280 --> 0:04:00.720 stemmed from being a young child. You never felt like 0:04:00.760 --> 0:04:04.200 I had many friends and was bullied and all of 0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:06.280 that stuff, which I'm sure many of us have gone through. 0:04:06.640 --> 0:04:08.600 But I didn't realize how it was manifesting in my 0:04:08.640 --> 0:04:10.320 life now because I thought I'd gotten over it really 0:04:10.360 --> 0:04:12.400 didn't feel like it affected me that much, and it 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:16.040 didn't in a like, Oh, I get sad about it 0:04:16.040 --> 0:04:18.360 on a daily basis, but I think it created these 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:21.039 habits and patterns in me that made me always feel 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:23.000 like I need to do things for people for them 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:26.159 to love me or like me or be my friend. 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:29.560 Whether that was cooking for people, whether that was going 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:31.600 out of my way for them, whether that was saving them, 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:35.120 it all ended up. I think. I imagine it's from the 0:04:35.120 --> 0:04:37.440 fact that I thought, oh, if people don't like me, 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:38.960 let me do things for them and then they will 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:41.680 like me. I've definitely gotten better at it now, definitely 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:45.640 been a become more of a no person, and even 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:48.080 if I'm not, I'm able to recognize it, which is 0:04:48.120 --> 0:04:52.840 step one. But it is something I have to consciously 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:55.320 work on to make sure that I am not leaning 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:58.039 back into because if a pattern's been there for a while, 0:04:58.120 --> 0:04:59.800 it's so easy to get back into it and not 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:02.000 notice because it's a bit more of a comfort zone 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:05.160 for me than being someone who does have boundaries, barriers 0:05:05.440 --> 0:05:08.000 and tries not to fix people. I feel like it's 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:11.120 pretty obvious if you have savior complex. It's not complicated. 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:14.559 The signs are pretty clear. You feel good about yourself 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:18.600 when you're helping someone. You expend way more energy trying 0:05:18.640 --> 0:05:20.560 to fix other people than you know how to fix yourself. 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:23.640 And I say there the two major ones. So if 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:28.360 both our ticks for you, then welcome to the club. 0:05:29.960 --> 0:05:31.920 Oh and actually I know the third one. When you're 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:35.320 constantly trying to change people around you like that, if 0:05:35.320 --> 0:05:37.640 you try to change them more than accept them, then 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:40.920 that is also a symptom of savior complex. Okay, I 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:47.480 feel like the symptoms or the characteristics of savior complex 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:51.520 are quite self explanatory, but let me break it down 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:53.200 for you just in case. And you know what, just 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:55.799 mentally in your mind do a ticnixt to the ones 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:58.279 that I say. You feel good about yourself when you're 0:05:58.320 --> 0:06:01.880 helping people, You use more energy trying to fix others 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:05.599 and then fixing yourself. You're trying to change people more 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:08.720 than accepting them. You always need to find a solution, 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.880 forever looking for a solution to every problem for someone 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:15.120 you don't believe in just letting it be, no, I 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:19.000 will solve it. No, there is a solution. And let 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:22.039 me add in it's only me who can help. That's 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.359 a good one. It's only me who can solve this problem. 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:26.760 It's me who has to save them, and it's me 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:29.440 who has to fix this. So if you have a 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:33.480 tick next to maybe three or more of these welcome 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:38.480 to the club. You don't get a price, you don't 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.640 get a sticker, but you do get to be part 0:06:41.680 --> 0:06:44.480 of this club that is forever trying to improve, change 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:49.799 and get better at this woo welcome people. And honestly, 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:53.400 I do find that women especially tend to do this. 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:57.320 It's really part of our feminine energy to be really 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:01.880 motherly and to be caring. And sometimes though that line 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:05.760 between help that is helpful and help that is not 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:09.000 helpful can feel quite blurry. And so it really got 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:12.160 me thinking this week about how much help is too much? 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:15.720 How do we know when to stop helping someone, and 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.520 why do we get this savior complex? Like where does 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:21.320 it really root from? So over years, as I've done 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:23.680 this with various people in my life, I've drawn the 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:26.560 line at this, if you're doing more than they are 0:07:26.720 --> 0:07:29.760 to help themselves, If the effort you are putting in 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:32.560 to help someone is less than the effort that they 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:36.080 are putting in to help themselves, then that is probably 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:39.240 a sign that you are helping too much. And look, 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:41.720 we're not kids anymore. It's so different when it's a 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:45.080 mother child relationship. But when we're adults, we all have 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:49.040 this responsibility to ourself and to others to do our 0:07:49.080 --> 0:07:51.880 part in our lives. But you can't expect someone else 0:07:51.920 --> 0:07:54.840 to do all the work for you completely, So asking 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:58.920 for support is absolutely necessary. Asking for support is a 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:01.640 beautiful thing to do. Being able to be vulnerable and 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:04.360 asking for that help that is part and parcel of 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:07.600 living within a community and having a friendship. But a 0:08:07.680 --> 0:08:10.600 person should not be expecting you to put in eighty 0:08:10.600 --> 0:08:13.240 percent of the effort and for them to give twenty 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:16.320 percent when it is for them. So you really have 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:19.280 to reassess that balance of help that you are giving 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:22.800 and noticing if the help that you are giving is 0:08:22.960 --> 0:08:25.960 far more than the help that this person is giving themselves. 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:28.240 So the first thing you have to start off by doing, 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:31.040 and that's what I did, was start to reassess the 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:35.240 help balance that existed between my relationships, my friendships with 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:38.720 friends and family and seeing if I am putting in 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:41.040 more effort to help them then they are putting in 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:44.240 for themselves. The second thing is the moment you start 0:08:44.360 --> 0:08:48.000 to feel used, you start expecting something in return, or 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:50.560 you begin to feel quite bitter about the help that 0:08:50.600 --> 0:08:54.160 you are giving, it's probably time to reevaluate what it 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:56.679 is that you are giving, and it's probably a sign 0:08:56.840 --> 0:08:59.959 that you're pushing past your own capacity and your boundaries. 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:03.360 And that's okay. We need to have boundaries, We need 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:05.640 to be mindful of the capacity that we have to 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:08.280 be able to give to other people while still being 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:12.200 able to maintain ourself. And it actually doesn't even matter 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:15.280 whether in the other person's eyes they are or they 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:18.720 are not asking for too much, or whether their intention 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:21.520 is to use you or not, because really it's just 0:09:21.559 --> 0:09:24.080 a sign to you that in those moments, if you 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:26.959 are feeling bitter, if you are looking for more reciprocation, 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:30.440 if you are feeling anger or resentment towards that person, 0:09:30.840 --> 0:09:33.640 that is a sign to you that you have reached 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:36.960 your boundary or your limit and giving beyond that will 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:40.280 always end up resulting in this pain of frustration. So 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:42.840 see that as a symptom. Like whenever you end up 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:46.000 seeing these symptoms occur over and over again when you 0:09:46.040 --> 0:09:49.520 are doing something for someone, see that as a symptom 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:51.680 or a sign that your body, in your mind is 0:09:51.720 --> 0:09:54.240 telling you that you are pushing your boundary and you 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:56.960 may be beyond your limits. The thing is it starts 0:09:56.960 --> 0:09:59.680 to really create this tension in your friendship or your 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:02.800 relationationship too, and so it's not good for you, it's 0:10:02.840 --> 0:10:04.480 not good for them, and it's definitely not good for 0:10:04.520 --> 0:10:07.120 the relationship that you're trying to build on. And this 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:12.800 applies whether it is time, energy, physical resources, a skill 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:15.880 that you have. It can relate to every single part 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:18.040 of life of how we are giving. There are so 0:10:18.080 --> 0:10:20.520 many different ways that we can give to someone and 0:10:20.559 --> 0:10:22.600 all of this applies to each one of them. The 0:10:22.640 --> 0:10:26.079 third thing to take into consideration is if the help 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:29.479 that you're giving actually makes them do less for themselves, 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:34.120 then there's something you need to think about. Differentiating between 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:39.760 constructive helping and dysfunctional help is really important. So let 0:10:39.760 --> 0:10:42.760 me fool you in. So. Constructive help is actually help 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:46.760 that promotes someone's growth and independence, independence being a really 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:51.000 crucial word here. It helps them to grow individually for 0:10:51.200 --> 0:10:54.120 themselves in a way that you give them the help, 0:10:54.160 --> 0:10:56.960 but it also allows them to figure it out for 0:10:57.040 --> 0:11:01.760 themselves to build the root for themselves. Dysfunctional help is 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:05.600 what promotes dependency and need on you as a person, 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:08.679 and if you are taking the load off them. If 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:12.040 you're doing the worrying, you've got the anxiety for them, 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:14.560 you're planning out their life, you're helping them get to 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:17.040 where they want to be, You're doing all the little 0:11:17.040 --> 0:11:19.680 steps in between that gets them there. When you're doing 0:11:19.679 --> 0:11:22.800 that on behalf of someone else, it basically tells them 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.400 that they don't need to be invested in helping themselves 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:27.120 at all, Like they don't need to do the work 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:29.959 if you're doing it for them, what's the need. What's 0:11:30.000 --> 0:11:32.320 the point of two people doing the same thing. And 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:35.800 so if that's repeated over and over again, where you 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.079 come in and you save the day and you make 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:41.240 it all better, you're actually stopping them from being able 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:44.840 to save themselves and create that drive and motivation inside 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:47.560 of themselves to do so. I actually remember when I 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:50.800 was younger. Me being the younger child, I kind of 0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:53.320 got a free pass in a lot of ways, and 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:56.880 I became really lazy because I had my entire family 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:59.720 who were there ready to love for me, to care 0:11:59.760 --> 0:12:02.640 for me, to look after me, but also to save 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:05.560 me when I needed, and I would I got into 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:07.920 the habit of leaving my homework till the last minute. 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:11.840 I would not study properly for my exams and my family. 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:14.920 My sister best say like she would always you know, 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:16.680 she would actually want to be the one to say, 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:18.520 you know, she can do it by herself, she can 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:20.360 get this done. And my parents would be like, no, no, 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:22.240 we have to help her naturally, as you do for 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:24.800 your child. You just want to be able to support 0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:28.240 them and love them and give them that. But what 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:32.280 it made me realize is after a while of having 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.000 that over and over again, Like by the way my 0:12:35.080 --> 0:12:37.040 sister would like stay up all night to help me 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:39.520 finish writing a piece of coursework or help me do 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.800 an assignment, my parents would do the same for me. 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:45.600 They just go above and beyond to help. They would 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.360 fix the problem that I had created for myself. So 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.560 they were always swooping in and doing that for me. 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:52.920 Now they were obviously doing it of love, but the 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:57.280 fact is it almost stopped me from one believing that 0:12:57.360 --> 0:12:59.600 I can do it on my own, and two it 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:02.800 made me so lazy, and it made me keep repeating 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:07.240 that pattern over and over again because I never built 0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:11.160 the route myself. I didn't complete the journey ever on 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:14.080 my own terms, in my own way, and so I 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.040 didn't build that road or route to success that I needed. 0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:20.960 So sometimes the help is just not helping, and you 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:24.240 need to be able to step back, take a second, 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:28.559 have a look and see that if patterns are still repeating, 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:32.040 if behavior doesn't change in the person that you are helping, 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:34.800 and if they get back to the same habits even 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:38.319 after you've helped them, then they're not learning or doing 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:41.800 what they need to actually grow and be able to 0:13:41.880 --> 0:13:44.720 create that for themselves. There's that quote, right, like the 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:48.120 definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:50.640 over again and expecting a different result. And that is 0:13:50.679 --> 0:13:52.840 exactly the same when it comes to people and our 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:56.160 mindset to the next thing is starting to ask yourself, 0:13:56.559 --> 0:14:00.080 is my action helping them to get better? Or is 0:13:59.920 --> 0:14:03.760 it making me feel better? Right? Like, is what I 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:08.520 am doing for them helping them get better? Or is 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:11.400 it making me feel better? Now? When I started asking 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:14.840 myself that question, it really like it just blew so 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:17.319 much up in me, Like I was like, way, I 0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:21.200 really started questioning myself like am I actually doing this 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.560 to be a loving person? Or am I doing this 0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:26.360 because it is feeding a part of me and almost 0:14:26.400 --> 0:14:28.760 feeding a part of my ego that's allowing me to 0:14:28.760 --> 0:14:32.440 feel useful and allowing me to feel superior in some way, 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.640 or allowing me to feel like I am beneficial in 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:38.720 this person's life. Right, it's giving me value of some sort. 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:42.040 And if your whole relationship is based on you helping 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:45.320 them and the thought of them not needing you in 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:49.200 that way doesn't make you happy for them, you should 0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:54.400 really reevaluate that help because sometimes what happens is right, 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.240 you end up being so used to someone relying on 0:14:57.280 --> 0:14:59.360 you it starts making you feel good. Then when they 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:03.720 start becoming independent, it threatens your value in their life 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:06.080 because if that's all you've been there for them for, 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:09.560 you don't think about what your other options are in 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:11.800 their life, Like who will you be in their life 0:15:11.920 --> 0:15:15.440 if you are not playing this role and so really 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:19.000 taking a look at that, like am I helping them 0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:21.360 because I want to help them succeed? Or am I 0:15:21.400 --> 0:15:23.560 helping them because it's making me feel so much better 0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:26.760 about myself? Because if we love someone, you should be 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:29.160 helping them so that they can be better. And if 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:33.280 them being better doesn't make you happier than them needing you, 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:35.440 then you're helping them for the wrong reasons. I'm going 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:37.320 to actually repeat that one more time just so it 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:41.080 sits in deep. If them being better doesn't make you 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:44.280 happier than them needing you, then you are helping them 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:47.160 for the wrong reasons. And I actually asked my friend 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:49.240 this yesterday when I was speaking to her. I said, 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:51.280 are you sure you're not doing it because you just 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:54.360 feel valuable in his life? Then you're finding some sort 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:56.600 of worth and value and how much he has needed 0:15:56.640 --> 0:15:59.720 you all these years, and how you're that one person 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:03.800 that he goes to solve everything. I knew I needed 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:05.720 to ask for that because I noticed that pattern in 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:09.360 my life and I actually realized I was probably doing 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:11.320 it to avoid a lot of work that I needed 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:13.760 to do in my life. So by solving and working 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:16.680 on other people, it was a way of feeling false 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:19.480 like productive. Right, I felt productive. I felt like I 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:23.040 was resolving something. I felt useful, but I was doing 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.120 it in someone else. I was like, let me fix 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:29.760 them so I can avoid fixing myself. Creating these boundaries 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:33.280 and realizing that it doesn't take away from the love 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:35.440 or care that you have for them in any way. 0:16:35.840 --> 0:16:39.120 If anything, it actually strengthens it. Because at first it 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:41.160 may be a bit of a shift right, They're like, wait, 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:42.960 why are you stopping this? This was your way of 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:46.160 showing love to me or showing care to me. Why 0:16:46.760 --> 0:16:48.880 is that changing now? And yes, there may be a 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:52.560 period of time where you go through this uncomfortable shift 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:56.520 in friendship or in relationship and a different dynamic, but 0:16:56.600 --> 0:16:59.640 it actually ends up allowing your bond to be stronger 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:03.160 because it's not based on need and it's based on want, 0:17:03.360 --> 0:17:06.680 and you start doing things with the right intention and 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:09.159 that makes you feel so much better as well. We 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:12.280 also have to realize that's sometimes what you want for 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:15.960 someone is not necessarily what they want for themselves. And 0:17:16.119 --> 0:17:18.159 I remember for me when I would help people or 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:20.919 give advice, I would say, the only reciprocation that I 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:23.040 want is for you to do this for yourself, for 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:25.359 you to commit to these things that make you better, 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:28.440 for you to take on my advice, Like I want 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:30.560 to help you, but I also want you to take 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:32.600 on what I'm saying because I know that you can 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:35.320 do this. And I do think that if someone asks 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:37.000 you for help, I do think there should be some 0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:40.000 sort of accountability, especially if it's in resources. Let's say 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:42.919 someone asks you for money, or someone asks you for 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:46.600 aid in some way, right, you're investing your time, your energy, 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:48.800 your money, whatever it is, in them. And yes, I 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:52.960 think in reciprocation, someone should feel accountable to keep letting 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:55.320 you know that they are trying, They are trying to 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:57.880 be accountable to what they have asked you for. They 0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:00.880 are working on themselves in that way. Continuing to bail 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:04.159 them out every single time they do something actually teaches 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:08.240 them that it's okay to disrespect you and break agreements 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:10.760 and that you'll still be there for them. And so 0:18:10.880 --> 0:18:14.359 for your own sake, you should really be prepared for 0:18:14.480 --> 0:18:16.919 whoever it is you're advising. You should be prepared that 0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:19.400 that friend may not take your advice. That friend may 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:22.800 not do all those things that you help them set up, 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:25.119 because the fact is they may not be ready to 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:27.560 become that person, or they may not even want to 0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:30.440 become that person or do the things that you are 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:32.800 telling them or advising them to do. So, if you 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:35.680 do want to give them advice, then do this for yourself. 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:39.240 Release the expectations you have or the attachment to the 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:43.160 expectations you have for what you expect in return from them, 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:45.520 because you're only going to end up being disappointment. The 0:18:45.520 --> 0:18:48.240 more expectation you have, the more disappointed that you will 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:50.960 be if something doesn't go the way that you intended. Also, 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:54.680 you have to ask yourself, am I being invited to help? 0:18:54.800 --> 0:18:57.960 Or am I inviting myself? And you won't invite yourself 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:00.280 to a party, So why do we invite ourselves other 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:03.320 people's lives? And that's a really important one because I 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:05.600 have this friend, like every time I go back to London, 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:07.639 not the friend I was talking to her before, but 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:09.800 another friend. There's so much stuff that she wants to 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:11.840 do in her life, and I really want to help 0:19:11.880 --> 0:19:14.240 her get there, and I want to. I just wanted 0:19:14.240 --> 0:19:16.479 to help her achieve because I see so much in 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:18.040 her that she wants to do, and I know that 0:19:18.080 --> 0:19:21.280 she's also unhappy. You know, I see her after a 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:23.120 while and the first thing I'm saying is, so did 0:19:23.119 --> 0:19:24.640 you do this? Did you do this that we talked 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:26.639 about last time? Let's set up a plan. Let me 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:29.160 help you if you want to. You know, if it's 0:19:29.280 --> 0:19:31.080 let's say, getting to the gym, let me help you. 0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:33.520 Let's you know, we can go together. If it's about 0:19:33.520 --> 0:19:35.120 her work, I'll be like, let's set up a plan. 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:36.720 Let's set up a system to get you where you 0:19:36.760 --> 0:19:39.480 want to be. And what I realized was she'd never 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:41.840 actually asked for my help. What I was doing was 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:45.640 inviting myself into her life to be able to help her. 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:48.480 But also that's a sign most like we have to 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:51.120 allow people to ask us when they want help. And yes, 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:53.520 sometimes you see someone struggling and so you offer it. 0:19:54.000 --> 0:19:56.960 But a lot of the time, if you're constantly inviting 0:19:57.000 --> 0:20:00.000 yourself in, it may be that they are not yet 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:02.919 ready to make those changes, and so it may be 0:20:03.040 --> 0:20:05.360 necessary in the future when they ask, But what you're 0:20:05.359 --> 0:20:08.040 doing right now may just be wasted because they don't 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:11.120 have the capacity to make those changes. So, whether it's 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:14.480