1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,120 Speaker 1: If the help that you're giving actually makes them do 2 00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: less for themselves, then there's something you need to think about. 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: Differentiating between constructive helping and dysfunctional help is really important. 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,600 Speaker 1: I'm rather Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 5 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,480 Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 6 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 7 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,080 Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 8 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: So me and one of my friends were having a 9 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,919 Speaker 1: conversation yesterday, and she is such a sweet person. She's 10 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: a wonderful human being. She has this beautiful tendency to 11 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,240 Speaker 1: really want to help people. And I had conversation with 12 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,559 Speaker 1: her about someone that she is helping and has been 13 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:49,280 Speaker 1: helping year after year, a person who doesn't really appreciate 14 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: or recognize the effort, who feels like they are owed it. 15 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:57,160 Speaker 1: They have quite a like the mentality where they don't 16 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 1: really see it as effort, they see it as an expectation, 17 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: and it just basically hasn't been making her feel good 18 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,759 Speaker 1: at all, and I've been seeing it progressively get worse, 19 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,199 Speaker 1: and honestly, we have quite similar tendencies. And I've also 20 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 1: done this so much in my life. So I really 21 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 1: can feel and understand all the angles that she's going through, 22 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: and I can really see it from so many different perspectives. 23 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,759 Speaker 1: This can often be defined as and I have definitely 24 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:28,440 Speaker 1: diagnosed myself with this from a young age. After reflection 25 00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:32,480 Speaker 1: is called the savior complex. And so if you're someone 26 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: who's listening to this, thinking, oh my gosh, I've done this, 27 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: this is what I do regularly in my life. I've 28 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 1: had this pattern from a young age. Trust me, I 29 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: had the same reflection and all this time I thought 30 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,840 Speaker 1: I was helping everybody, and I thought it was a 31 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 1: really good person. I was like, oh, I'm just an 32 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 1: agony on and I seem to be helping everybody, and 33 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 1: it just seems to be I seem to attract these 34 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 1: people in my life where I end up being the 35 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: savior and I'm like, oh, I am so amazing that 36 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: I do that for people. And then I realized had 37 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 1: this moment of reflection, this like light bulb moment. I 38 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: was like, I have a savior complex, Like this idea 39 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 1: that I have, I have this desperate need to save 40 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: other people. And it's probably because I was avoiding trying 41 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: to save myself, and it felt easier to like, oh, 42 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: that person is in need, let me help them. So 43 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,799 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm being useful. So I feel like 44 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,360 Speaker 1: I'm actually solving a problem, even though I'm not solving 45 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 1: my own problems. And apparently there's this tendency that you 46 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,560 Speaker 1: end up seeking them out they don't seek you out. Well, 47 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: maybe a mutual thing. Actually you are inviting that into 48 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,240 Speaker 1: your life and they are needing that, and so your 49 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 1: need and their need end up matching, and so it's 50 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: not you know, we're so used to being like I 51 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: just don't know why these people come into my life. No, girl, 52 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,959 Speaker 1: you are inviting them into your life. And that's exactly 53 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 1: what I was doing. And by the way, all these 54 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: people were not bad. I loved helping so many of 55 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 1: my friends in that way, but it was more of 56 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 1: a reflection for me where I was like, oh, my gosh, 57 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: I'm not actually being this great person I thought I was. 58 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 1: What I'm actually doing is trying to avoid my problems 59 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: in saving other people, because that made me feel better 60 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: about my own issues, or not even better about it, 61 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:08,920 Speaker 1: avoid it, but still make me feel like I was 62 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 1: working on something. There's such a difference between motivating and 63 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: inspiring versus trying to save someone nobody, and I mean this, 64 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,839 Speaker 1: nobody can save another person. And this one's a hard 65 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 1: one to swallow. It's a hard one to really take in. 66 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,800 Speaker 1: But to overcome the need to fix other people, you 67 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:33,440 Speaker 1: need to start by fixing that need within yourself. It's 68 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: not about fixing the other person. It's all about you 69 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,119 Speaker 1: and needing to fix whatever it is that's in you 70 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: that's wanting to fix other people. And I've really been 71 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 1: breaking that down over time. I'm still breaking it down. Honestly. 72 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:51,000 Speaker 1: It can't say I've come to any major revelations except 73 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 1: for the fact that it was definitely my need to 74 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 1: be needed and to be liked, And honestly, actually I 75 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: had to come to a revelation. I think it just 76 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,720 Speaker 1: stemmed from being a young child. You never felt like 77 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: I had many friends and was bullied and all of 78 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: that stuff, which I'm sure many of us have gone through. 79 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,600 Speaker 1: But I didn't realize how it was manifesting in my 80 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: life now because I thought I'd gotten over it really 81 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: didn't feel like it affected me that much, and it 82 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:16,040 Speaker 1: didn't in a like, Oh, I get sad about it 83 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 1: on a daily basis, but I think it created these 84 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,039 Speaker 1: habits and patterns in me that made me always feel 85 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: like I need to do things for people for them 86 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,159 Speaker 1: to love me or like me or be my friend. 87 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 1: Whether that was cooking for people, whether that was going 88 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 1: out of my way for them, whether that was saving them, 89 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: it all ended up. I think. I imagine it's from the 90 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: fact that I thought, oh, if people don't like me, 91 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 1: let me do things for them and then they will 92 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,680 Speaker 1: like me. I've definitely gotten better at it now, definitely 93 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,640 Speaker 1: been a become more of a no person, and even 94 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: if I'm not, I'm able to recognize it, which is 95 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: step one. But it is something I have to consciously 96 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 1: work on to make sure that I am not leaning 97 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 1: back into because if a pattern's been there for a while, 98 00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,800 Speaker 1: it's so easy to get back into it and not 99 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: notice because it's a bit more of a comfort zone 100 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,160 Speaker 1: for me than being someone who does have boundaries, barriers 101 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: and tries not to fix people. I feel like it's 102 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 1: pretty obvious if you have savior complex. It's not complicated. 103 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,559 Speaker 1: The signs are pretty clear. You feel good about yourself 104 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 1: when you're helping someone. You expend way more energy trying 105 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: to fix other people than you know how to fix yourself. 106 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: And I say there the two major ones. So if 107 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:28,360 Speaker 1: both our ticks for you, then welcome to the club. 108 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,920 Speaker 1: Oh and actually I know the third one. When you're 109 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: constantly trying to change people around you like that, if 110 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: you try to change them more than accept them, then 111 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 1: that is also a symptom of savior complex. Okay, I 112 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:47,480 Speaker 1: feel like the symptoms or the characteristics of savior complex 113 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:51,520 Speaker 1: are quite self explanatory, but let me break it down 114 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,200 Speaker 1: for you just in case. And you know what, just 115 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:55,799 Speaker 1: mentally in your mind do a ticnixt to the ones 116 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 1: that I say. You feel good about yourself when you're 117 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: helping people, You use more energy trying to fix others 118 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,599 Speaker 1: and then fixing yourself. You're trying to change people more 119 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,720 Speaker 1: than accepting them. You always need to find a solution, 120 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 1: forever looking for a solution to every problem for someone 121 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 1: you don't believe in just letting it be, no, I 122 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: will solve it. No, there is a solution. And let 123 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,039 Speaker 1: me add in it's only me who can help. That's 124 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,359 Speaker 1: a good one. It's only me who can solve this problem. 125 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: It's me who has to save them, and it's me 126 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: who has to fix this. So if you have a 127 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,480 Speaker 1: tick next to maybe three or more of these welcome 128 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 1: to the club. You don't get a price, you don't 129 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 1: get a sticker, but you do get to be part 130 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,480 Speaker 1: of this club that is forever trying to improve, change 131 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:49,799 Speaker 1: and get better at this woo welcome people. And honestly, 132 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: I do find that women especially tend to do this. 133 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 1: It's really part of our feminine energy to be really 134 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,880 Speaker 1: motherly and to be caring. And sometimes though that line 135 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: between help that is helpful and help that is not 136 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 1: helpful can feel quite blurry. And so it really got 137 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: me thinking this week about how much help is too much? 138 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,720 Speaker 1: How do we know when to stop helping someone, and 139 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,520 Speaker 1: why do we get this savior complex? Like where does 140 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: it really root from? So over years, as I've done 141 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,680 Speaker 1: this with various people in my life, I've drawn the 142 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 1: line at this, if you're doing more than they are 143 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 1: to help themselves, If the effort you are putting in 144 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: to help someone is less than the effort that they 145 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: are putting in to help themselves, then that is probably 146 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,240 Speaker 1: a sign that you are helping too much. And look, 147 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: we're not kids anymore. It's so different when it's a 148 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: mother child relationship. But when we're adults, we all have 149 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: this responsibility to ourself and to others to do our 150 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: part in our lives. But you can't expect someone else 151 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,840 Speaker 1: to do all the work for you completely, So asking 152 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: for support is absolutely necessary. Asking for support is a 153 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 1: beautiful thing to do. Being able to be vulnerable and 154 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: asking for that help that is part and parcel of 155 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: living within a community and having a friendship. But a 156 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 1: person should not be expecting you to put in eighty 157 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,240 Speaker 1: percent of the effort and for them to give twenty 158 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 1: percent when it is for them. So you really have 159 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: to reassess that balance of help that you are giving 160 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 1: and noticing if the help that you are giving is 161 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: far more than the help that this person is giving themselves. 162 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,240 Speaker 1: So the first thing you have to start off by doing, 163 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,040 Speaker 1: and that's what I did, was start to reassess the 164 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: help balance that existed between my relationships, my friendships with 165 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,720 Speaker 1: friends and family and seeing if I am putting in 166 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: more effort to help them then they are putting in 167 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: for themselves. The second thing is the moment you start 168 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: to feel used, you start expecting something in return, or 169 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: you begin to feel quite bitter about the help that 170 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 1: you are giving, it's probably time to reevaluate what it 171 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 1: is that you are giving, and it's probably a sign 172 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,959 Speaker 1: that you're pushing past your own capacity and your boundaries. 173 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: And that's okay. We need to have boundaries, We need 174 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: to be mindful of the capacity that we have to 175 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: be able to give to other people while still being 176 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,200 Speaker 1: able to maintain ourself. And it actually doesn't even matter 177 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,280 Speaker 1: whether in the other person's eyes they are or they 178 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,720 Speaker 1: are not asking for too much, or whether their intention 179 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: is to use you or not, because really it's just 180 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:24,080 Speaker 1: a sign to you that in those moments, if you 181 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,959 Speaker 1: are feeling bitter, if you are looking for more reciprocation, 182 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: if you are feeling anger or resentment towards that person, 183 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 1: that is a sign to you that you have reached 184 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,960 Speaker 1: your boundary or your limit and giving beyond that will 185 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: always end up resulting in this pain of frustration. So 186 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,840 Speaker 1: see that as a symptom. Like whenever you end up 187 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: seeing these symptoms occur over and over again when you 188 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,520 Speaker 1: are doing something for someone, see that as a symptom 189 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:51,680 Speaker 1: or a sign that your body, in your mind is 190 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: telling you that you are pushing your boundary and you 191 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 1: may be beyond your limits. The thing is it starts 192 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,680 Speaker 1: to really create this tension in your friendship or your 193 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 1: relationationship too, and so it's not good for you, it's 194 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: not good for them, and it's definitely not good for 195 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 1: the relationship that you're trying to build on. And this 196 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:12,800 Speaker 1: applies whether it is time, energy, physical resources, a skill 197 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 1: that you have. It can relate to every single part 198 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: of life of how we are giving. There are so 199 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: many different ways that we can give to someone and 200 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: all of this applies to each one of them. The 201 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,079 Speaker 1: third thing to take into consideration is if the help 202 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,479 Speaker 1: that you're giving actually makes them do less for themselves, 203 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:34,120 Speaker 1: then there's something you need to think about. Differentiating between 204 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: constructive helping and dysfunctional help is really important. So let 205 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,760 Speaker 1: me fool you in. So. Constructive help is actually help 206 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: that promotes someone's growth and independence, independence being a really 207 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: crucial word here. It helps them to grow individually for 208 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 1: themselves in a way that you give them the help, 209 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 1: but it also allows them to figure it out for 210 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: themselves to build the root for themselves. Dysfunctional help is 211 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,600 Speaker 1: what promotes dependency and need on you as a person, 212 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,679 Speaker 1: and if you are taking the load off them. If 213 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,040 Speaker 1: you're doing the worrying, you've got the anxiety for them, 214 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 1: you're planning out their life, you're helping them get to 215 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,040 Speaker 1: where they want to be, You're doing all the little 216 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,680 Speaker 1: steps in between that gets them there. When you're doing 217 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 1: that on behalf of someone else, it basically tells them 218 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: that they don't need to be invested in helping themselves 219 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 1: at all, Like they don't need to do the work 220 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,959 Speaker 1: if you're doing it for them, what's the need. What's 221 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 1: the point of two people doing the same thing. And 222 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,800 Speaker 1: so if that's repeated over and over again, where you 223 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,079 Speaker 1: come in and you save the day and you make 224 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: it all better, you're actually stopping them from being able 225 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,840 Speaker 1: to save themselves and create that drive and motivation inside 226 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,560 Speaker 1: of themselves to do so. I actually remember when I 227 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: was younger. Me being the younger child, I kind of 228 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 1: got a free pass in a lot of ways, and 229 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: I became really lazy because I had my entire family 230 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,720 Speaker 1: who were there ready to love for me, to care 231 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: for me, to look after me, but also to save 232 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,560 Speaker 1: me when I needed, and I would I got into 233 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 1: the habit of leaving my homework till the last minute. 234 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 1: I would not study properly for my exams and my family. 235 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,920 Speaker 1: My sister best say like she would always you know, 236 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,680 Speaker 1: she would actually want to be the one to say, 237 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 1: you know, she can do it by herself, she can 238 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: get this done. And my parents would be like, no, no, 239 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: we have to help her naturally, as you do for 240 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 1: your child. You just want to be able to support 241 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 1: them and love them and give them that. But what 242 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,280 Speaker 1: it made me realize is after a while of having 243 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: that over and over again, Like by the way my 244 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 1: sister would like stay up all night to help me 245 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 1: finish writing a piece of coursework or help me do 246 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,800 Speaker 1: an assignment, my parents would do the same for me. 247 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,600 Speaker 1: They just go above and beyond to help. They would 248 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: fix the problem that I had created for myself. So 249 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 1: they were always swooping in and doing that for me. 250 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: Now they were obviously doing it of love, but the 251 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: fact is it almost stopped me from one believing that 252 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,600 Speaker 1: I can do it on my own, and two it 253 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 1: made me so lazy, and it made me keep repeating 254 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 1: that pattern over and over again because I never built 255 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: the route myself. I didn't complete the journey ever on 256 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:14,080 Speaker 1: my own terms, in my own way, and so I 257 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: didn't build that road or route to success that I needed. 258 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 1: So sometimes the help is just not helping, and you 259 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,240 Speaker 1: need to be able to step back, take a second, 260 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,559 Speaker 1: have a look and see that if patterns are still repeating, 261 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,040 Speaker 1: if behavior doesn't change in the person that you are helping, 262 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 1: and if they get back to the same habits even 263 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,319 Speaker 1: after you've helped them, then they're not learning or doing 264 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 1: what they need to actually grow and be able to 265 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,720 Speaker 1: create that for themselves. There's that quote, right, like the 266 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 1: definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and 267 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 1: over again and expecting a different result. And that is 268 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:52,840 Speaker 1: exactly the same when it comes to people and our 269 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 1: mindset to the next thing is starting to ask yourself, 270 00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:00,080 Speaker 1: is my action helping them to get better? Or is 271 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: it making me feel better? Right? Like, is what I 272 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: am doing for them helping them get better? Or is 273 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,400 Speaker 1: it making me feel better? Now? When I started asking 274 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: myself that question, it really like it just blew so 275 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,319 Speaker 1: much up in me, Like I was like, way, I 276 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: really started questioning myself like am I actually doing this 277 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,560 Speaker 1: to be a loving person? Or am I doing this 278 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,360 Speaker 1: because it is feeding a part of me and almost 279 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: feeding a part of my ego that's allowing me to 280 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,440 Speaker 1: feel useful and allowing me to feel superior in some way, 281 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,640 Speaker 1: or allowing me to feel like I am beneficial in 282 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,720 Speaker 1: this person's life. Right, it's giving me value of some sort. 283 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 1: And if your whole relationship is based on you helping 284 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,320 Speaker 1: them and the thought of them not needing you in 285 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 1: that way doesn't make you happy for them, you should 286 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: really reevaluate that help because sometimes what happens is right, 287 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: you end up being so used to someone relying on 288 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: you it starts making you feel good. Then when they 289 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: start becoming independent, it threatens your value in their life 290 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: because if that's all you've been there for them for, 291 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 1: you don't think about what your other options are in 292 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 1: their life, Like who will you be in their life 293 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,440 Speaker 1: if you are not playing this role and so really 294 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:19,000 Speaker 1: taking a look at that, like am I helping them 295 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,360 Speaker 1: because I want to help them succeed? Or am I 296 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: helping them because it's making me feel so much better 297 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: about myself? Because if we love someone, you should be 298 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: helping them so that they can be better. And if 299 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,280 Speaker 1: them being better doesn't make you happier than them needing you, 300 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 1: then you're helping them for the wrong reasons. I'm going 301 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: to actually repeat that one more time just so it 302 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:41,080 Speaker 1: sits in deep. If them being better doesn't make you 303 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 1: happier than them needing you, then you are helping them 304 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 1: for the wrong reasons. And I actually asked my friend 305 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 1: this yesterday when I was speaking to her. I said, 306 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: are you sure you're not doing it because you just 307 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,360 Speaker 1: feel valuable in his life? Then you're finding some sort 308 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 1: of worth and value and how much he has needed 309 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,720 Speaker 1: you all these years, and how you're that one person 310 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 1: that he goes to solve everything. I knew I needed 311 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 1: to ask for that because I noticed that pattern in 312 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 1: my life and I actually realized I was probably doing 313 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: it to avoid a lot of work that I needed 314 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: to do in my life. So by solving and working 315 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,680 Speaker 1: on other people, it was a way of feeling false 316 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: like productive. Right, I felt productive. I felt like I 317 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: was resolving something. I felt useful, but I was doing 318 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,120 Speaker 1: it in someone else. I was like, let me fix 319 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 1: them so I can avoid fixing myself. Creating these boundaries 320 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: and realizing that it doesn't take away from the love 321 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 1: or care that you have for them in any way. 322 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:39,120 Speaker 1: If anything, it actually strengthens it. Because at first it 323 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 1: may be a bit of a shift right, They're like, wait, 324 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,960 Speaker 1: why are you stopping this? This was your way of 325 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 1: showing love to me or showing care to me. Why 326 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 1: is that changing now? And yes, there may be a 327 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: period of time where you go through this uncomfortable shift 328 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: in friendship or in relationship and a different dynamic, but 329 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,640 Speaker 1: it actually ends up allowing your bond to be stronger 330 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,160 Speaker 1: because it's not based on need and it's based on want, 331 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,680 Speaker 1: and you start doing things with the right intention and 332 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,159 Speaker 1: that makes you feel so much better as well. We 333 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,280 Speaker 1: also have to realize that's sometimes what you want for 334 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:15,960 Speaker 1: someone is not necessarily what they want for themselves. And 335 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,159 Speaker 1: I remember for me when I would help people or 336 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,919 Speaker 1: give advice, I would say, the only reciprocation that I 337 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: want is for you to do this for yourself, for 338 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,359 Speaker 1: you to commit to these things that make you better, 339 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,440 Speaker 1: for you to take on my advice, Like I want 340 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: to help you, but I also want you to take 341 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,600 Speaker 1: on what I'm saying because I know that you can 342 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: do this. And I do think that if someone asks 343 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: you for help, I do think there should be some 344 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,000 Speaker 1: sort of accountability, especially if it's in resources. Let's say 345 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,919 Speaker 1: someone asks you for money, or someone asks you for 346 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 1: aid in some way, right, you're investing your time, your energy, 347 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,800 Speaker 1: your money, whatever it is, in them. And yes, I 348 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,960 Speaker 1: think in reciprocation, someone should feel accountable to keep letting 349 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: you know that they are trying, They are trying to 350 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,880 Speaker 1: be accountable to what they have asked you for. They 351 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,880 Speaker 1: are working on themselves in that way. Continuing to bail 352 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,159 Speaker 1: them out every single time they do something actually teaches 353 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 1: them that it's okay to disrespect you and break agreements 354 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: and that you'll still be there for them. And so 355 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:14,359 Speaker 1: for your own sake, you should really be prepared for 356 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,919 Speaker 1: whoever it is you're advising. You should be prepared that 357 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,400 Speaker 1: that friend may not take your advice. That friend may 358 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,800 Speaker 1: not do all those things that you help them set up, 359 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,119 Speaker 1: because the fact is they may not be ready to 360 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,560 Speaker 1: become that person, or they may not even want to 361 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,440 Speaker 1: become that person or do the things that you are 362 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 1: telling them or advising them to do. So, if you 363 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,680 Speaker 1: do want to give them advice, then do this for yourself. 364 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:39,240 Speaker 1: Release the expectations you have or the attachment to the 365 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,160 Speaker 1: expectations you have for what you expect in return from them, 366 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,520 Speaker 1: because you're only going to end up being disappointment. The 367 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,240 Speaker 1: more expectation you have, the more disappointed that you will 368 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,960 Speaker 1: be if something doesn't go the way that you intended. Also, 369 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself, am I being invited to help? 370 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,960 Speaker 1: Or am I inviting myself? And you won't invite yourself 371 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 1: to a party, So why do we invite ourselves other 372 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,320 Speaker 1: people's lives? And that's a really important one because I 373 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,600 Speaker 1: have this friend, like every time I go back to London, 374 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,639 Speaker 1: not the friend I was talking to her before, but 375 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,800 Speaker 1: another friend. There's so much stuff that she wants to 376 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: do in her life, and I really want to help 377 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,240 Speaker 1: her get there, and I want to. I just wanted 378 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,479 Speaker 1: to help her achieve because I see so much in 379 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,040 Speaker 1: her that she wants to do, and I know that 380 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 1: she's also unhappy. You know, I see her after a 381 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,120 Speaker 1: while and the first thing I'm saying is, so did 382 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:24,640 Speaker 1: you do this? Did you do this that we talked 383 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,639 Speaker 1: about last time? Let's set up a plan. Let me 384 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: help you if you want to. You know, if it's 385 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: let's say, getting to the gym, let me help you. 386 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 1: Let's you know, we can go together. If it's about 387 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,120 Speaker 1: her work, I'll be like, let's set up a plan. 388 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 1: Let's set up a system to get you where you 389 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 1: want to be. And what I realized was she'd never 390 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: actually asked for my help. What I was doing was 391 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:45,640 Speaker 1: inviting myself into her life to be able to help her. 392 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,480 Speaker 1: But also that's a sign most like we have to 393 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,120 Speaker 1: allow people to ask us when they want help. And yes, 394 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,520 Speaker 1: sometimes you see someone struggling and so you offer it. 395 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: But a lot of the time, if you're constantly inviting 396 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,000 Speaker 1: yourself in, it may be that they are not yet 397 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:02,919 Speaker 1: ready to make those changes, and so it may be 398 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,360 Speaker 1: necessary in the future when they ask, But what you're 399 00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:08,040 Speaker 1: doing right now may just be wasted because they don't 400 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,120 Speaker 1: have the capacity to make those changes. So, whether it's 401 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,480 Speaker 1: an old relationship, whether it's a new friendship that you're starting, 402 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,400 Speaker 1: if you do notice those patterns in yourself and you're 403 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 1: noticing yourself creating foundations based on that, then it's something 404 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: that really start becoming aware of. I really think awareness 405 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 1: is the beginning of many many things in our life, 406 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,679 Speaker 1: like to just become aware of where you stand in 407 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,320 Speaker 1: people's lives, how the relationship is growing, and what your 408 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,880 Speaker 1: place is in their life, and what your natural tendencies 409 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 1: are to do when someone is in need and if 410 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,359 Speaker 1: you tend to Oh. This was another sign for me 411 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,800 Speaker 1: from a really young age. My mom would be like, 412 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,879 Speaker 1: you're such an agony, aren't like you always have all 413 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: your friends coming to you to solve their problems or whatever. 414 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: And at that time I would be like, no, Mom, 415 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,359 Speaker 1: They're just my friends and they just need me. And 416 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,400 Speaker 1: what I realized was sometimes when you become that person, 417 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,159 Speaker 1: you actually end up attracting people into life who need that. 418 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,080 Speaker 1: I think that's a really interesting sign. We always end 419 00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: up being like, oh, I just seem to have those 420 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: people in my life, but actually, unfortunately, it may be 421 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,720 Speaker 1: that we are inviting them into our life based on 422 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,040 Speaker 1: what we are looking for in a friendship, like we 423 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:17,880 Speaker 1: actually seek them out rather than them seeking us out. 424 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,200 Speaker 1: And that's really important to remember too, that I think 425 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: there's a tendency to like blame that outside or blame 426 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:28,160 Speaker 1: other people for things before we look internally at ourselves. 427 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:33,119 Speaker 1: There's this term used in psychology called pathological altruism, and 428 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,040 Speaker 1: it's a term that's used for when you attempt to 429 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,280 Speaker 1: do good to support the well being of others, which 430 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,240 Speaker 1: actually ends up resulting in unanticipated harm. So you may 431 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,920 Speaker 1: set out to do good, but actually it ends up 432 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,639 Speaker 1: as either harming that person, or maybe it ends up 433 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,840 Speaker 1: harming you and causing damage to you. So we have 434 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: intention or effort to do good, but it results in 435 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:58,000 Speaker 1: harm of some sort to the other person, physical, emotional, mental. 436 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,840 Speaker 1: Another big sign that your help maybe doing more harm 437 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 1: than good is when you see no change after repeated 438 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 1: attempts to help someone. So I remember doing this over 439 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,880 Speaker 1: and over again, where you keep giving the same speech, 440 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:17,200 Speaker 1: you keep giving the same motivational encouragement, you keep sharing 441 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: the same pieces of advice over and over a game. 442 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,000 Speaker 1: You give all the advice, maybe even all the resources 443 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,200 Speaker 1: that the person needs, and for a short period of time, 444 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 1: maybe twenty four hours, maybe even a couple of days, 445 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 1: maybe even a week, the person seems to be in 446 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:36,399 Speaker 1: better spirits, but then inevitably, a couple of days later, 447 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 1: they fall back into their same pattern, the same habits. 448 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 1: Life of the conversation didn't even happen. And it's true, 449 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,679 Speaker 1: in that moment that person may have felt so much better. 450 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,679 Speaker 1: But in that respect, what you end up doing I 451 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,400 Speaker 1: remember reading it somewhere where it calls it the drug effect. 452 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,359 Speaker 1: So your pep talks become little pick me ups that 453 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:59,399 Speaker 1: provide this small brief relief, this temporary relief to the 454 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,879 Speaker 1: person and brings them some sort of comfort, but it 455 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: actually ends up being counterproductive because it removes them from 456 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,719 Speaker 1: this feeling of urgency to change, that push and that 457 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,480 Speaker 1: drive to change because of the sad or angry or 458 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,760 Speaker 1: upset state therein. And so sometimes these negative emotions that 459 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,639 Speaker 1: they're feeling are the propeller or the push and the 460 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,479 Speaker 1: drive to actually get the change going. So then if 461 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,160 Speaker 1: you bring them back into this place of comfort, into 462 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,479 Speaker 1: this place of feeling okay about their situation, that they 463 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 1: feel supported and okay, and you know what, maybe being 464 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: in this situation isn't actually that bad because I've got 465 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: someone who's constantly there to help me. It actually makes 466 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,119 Speaker 1: them take a step back, It actually makes them less 467 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:46,040 Speaker 1: motivated to create real change. So it may actually make 468 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,880 Speaker 1: them feel more comfortable and make them feel better about 469 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,720 Speaker 1: their situation and make you feel better because you've uplifted 470 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,560 Speaker 1: that person in some way and you feel useful that 471 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,640 Speaker 1: you've actually helped them. But in fact, what they may 472 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: actually need is the discomfort to spur on and activate 473 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:06,439 Speaker 1: the change that's actually necessary. And so there's one thing 474 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,760 Speaker 1: about creating temporary change, Like it's easy to make commitments 475 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 1: and stick to it for a day, stick to it 476 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,200 Speaker 1: for two days. But there's a big difference between encouraging 477 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:17,080 Speaker 1: someone to make a change for one or two days 478 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 1: because they think, oh, let me please this person, or 479 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,720 Speaker 1: let me also try and like show that I can 480 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,080 Speaker 1: do it. But actual change comes with consistency, and the 481 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:28,800 Speaker 1: only way someone will get consistency is honestly by them 482 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,280 Speaker 1: wanting to, by them creating those habits for themselves. You 483 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,359 Speaker 1: can't create a habit for somebody else. It just doesn't 484 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 1: work because at the end of the day, when that person, 485 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,919 Speaker 1: when you end up upsetting that person, when you end 486 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,640 Speaker 1: up removing yourself from their life, when you end up leaving, 487 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: all that change goes with you. And so the change 488 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,520 Speaker 1: has to and let me repeate that, the change has to, 489 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:54,200 Speaker 1: the work has to, The habits have to come from 490 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,320 Speaker 1: that person, not from you. There's this other theory in 491 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:01,920 Speaker 1: psychology called learn helplessness, which says that repeatedly helping someone 492 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,840 Speaker 1: without encouraging their independent problem solving can make that person 493 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:10,800 Speaker 1: passive and overly reliant on others, so they end up 494 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:14,240 Speaker 1: reducing their own effort and shift accountability to the helper. 495 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: And so that's exactly what's happened here, Like that's exactly 496 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,600 Speaker 1: what happens every single time you over extend, you overhelp, 497 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:25,040 Speaker 1: You put yourself into someone's life more than necessary, which 498 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,199 Speaker 1: then makes them think, Hey, I'm just gonna, you know, 499 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,760 Speaker 1: take my foot off the accelerator because somebody else is 500 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: pushing this car for me. So what's even the need 501 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 1: double energy wasted? Why am I going to put in 502 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,240 Speaker 1: the effort if someone else's The problem with that is 503 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,400 Speaker 1: as soon as you stop pushing, the car slows down 504 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 1: or stops moving, and it's not your car, so eventually 505 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,600 Speaker 1: you will have to take your foot off the pedal 506 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 1: and they'll be left stranded in the middle of nowhere. 507 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: And so the problem is the person just doesn't learn 508 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:57,200 Speaker 1: to handle disappointment. You end up saving them. They don't 509 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,199 Speaker 1: learn how to be resourceful on their own, and so 510 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 1: you actually rob them of the chance to learn to 511 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: be as emotionally practically independent as they need to to 512 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,760 Speaker 1: really have healthy mutual relationships with other people. Because as 513 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 1: soon as you start training that person to create those 514 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,879 Speaker 1: habits with people, those habits will probably repeat in different 515 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,760 Speaker 1: relationships or in different different places in their life, and 516 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: so they become dependent on people based on what they 517 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,120 Speaker 1: can give them, rather than actually creating meaningful relationships with them. 518 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: I guess the lesson here is that real help empowers someone, 519 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,200 Speaker 1: which is a huge sign that your help is actually working. 520 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 1: And harmful help enables someone to continue their negative patterns 521 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,199 Speaker 1: and bad behavior. And you know what I was just 522 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,639 Speaker 1: thinking about. We've been talking so much about how it 523 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,119 Speaker 1: creates negative effect on them, but actually what about you? Like, 524 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,640 Speaker 1: what about when helping someone else is actually harming you? 525 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,239 Speaker 1: There have been times where I've thought giving up you know, 526 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,199 Speaker 1: my needs, my opinions, my principles or values is the 527 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: solution to make someone else happy, Like, oh, you know, 528 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,680 Speaker 1: my needs aren't as and my opinions aren't as important. 529 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,840 Speaker 1: And to show that I love this person, to show 530 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,920 Speaker 1: that I care for them, let me just bow out, 531 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 1: let me just mute what I feel, let me just 532 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,760 Speaker 1: reduce my needs, let me just take away my opinions 533 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 1: to help them feel better about themselves. Or you know, 534 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: you're sacrificing yourself for another person's in inverted commas betterment. 535 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 1: So I guess the idea here is I'll give up me, 536 00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,560 Speaker 1: and I'll decrease my own importance or the value of 537 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,480 Speaker 1: what I am giving for the sake of the larger course. 538 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 1: Like no, no, no, I'm not doing too much for you. 539 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 1: I'm not giving you too much. I'm not pouring too 540 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 1: much into you. Let me make you feel better by 541 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,920 Speaker 1: telling you what I'm doing is okay, because it will 542 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 1: make you feel better about yourself when in reality you 543 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,800 Speaker 1: probably are giving too much, probably are doing too much, 544 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: but you don't want to say that to make the 545 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,680 Speaker 1: other person feel bad. I read someone that this mindset 546 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,879 Speaker 1: can actually come from how we've seen others do it 547 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,959 Speaker 1: when we're younger, or being taught from a young age 548 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,400 Speaker 1: that when you make others happy, you feel good about yourself, 549 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,479 Speaker 1: or giving in and helping others results in someone liking 550 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,159 Speaker 1: you or doing something back for you, and so that 551 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: can happen from a young age. It's almost like if you 552 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:10,520 Speaker 1: stop crying, Mommy will be happy. If you stop, If 553 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,640 Speaker 1: you stop doing this annoying thing that I'm getting angry at, 554 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,920 Speaker 1: Mommy will love you more, Daddy would love you more, 555 00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,640 Speaker 1: or you know, whether it's a relationship when you were 556 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:23,080 Speaker 1: younger that you've been in those patterns really do stick 557 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,639 Speaker 1: with you, and so trying to like also reflect on 558 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,359 Speaker 1: where is this come from? Has this come from parents 559 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,520 Speaker 1: when I was younger? Has this come from a really 560 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,640 Speaker 1: young relationship that I created these patterns in? Where does 561 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 1: this actually stem from? Where's the route? Because usually finding 562 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: that out can really help you realize that maybe you 563 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 1: haven't worked through those things, which is causing you to 564 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,479 Speaker 1: repeat those patterns now. And the problem is being a 565 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: resource in someone's life may make you feel useful, but 566 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:54,920 Speaker 1: it's not fulfilling meaningful relationship. Consciously or subconsciously. You end 567 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 1: up becoming a resource and then they start to treat 568 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,040 Speaker 1: you as that because you've created that really relationship, and 569 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 1: so being a resource is so much more of a 570 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,880 Speaker 1: transactional relationship. It's like business, I'm going to provide for you. 571 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you these things whenever you need me. 572 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: But what are you actually giving back? Like what's that 573 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,880 Speaker 1: person actually providing in your life to fulfill you? And 574 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 1: it can't be that it makes you feel good to 575 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,200 Speaker 1: give to them. I think that it ends up being 576 00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:23,480 Speaker 1: a broken cycle. And if we are people that like 577 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: feeling needed being useful in someone's life, can sometimes be 578 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,240 Speaker 1: mistaken for someone valuing you in their life. I really 579 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: need you in my life. They'll say, I really need you. 580 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:33,680 Speaker 1: What am I going to do? How am I going 581 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,960 Speaker 1: to do this without you? I can't make these changes 582 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,240 Speaker 1: without you. You're the reason I'm making these changes. And 583 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,400 Speaker 1: so you end up feeling valued in their life. But 584 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 1: it's not value. It's often they just see you as 585 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:48,040 Speaker 1: a resource. And so they are very two different things. 586 00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:49,880 Speaker 1: And make sure you understand that if in your mind, 587 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: if they're coming to you when they're in need and 588 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,239 Speaker 1: you end up providing them the same resource over and 589 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: over again, you are a resource. You are not valued 590 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,880 Speaker 1: in that relationship. And look at the the day. It 591 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,240 Speaker 1: is so normal. It's such a normal human thing to 592 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 1: be a support system for one another. That is a 593 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 1: normal human thing to want to do. We give, we 594 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,360 Speaker 1: get nourished from other people, other people nourish us. It's 595 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:15,479 Speaker 1: a beautiful cycle in that. But reciprocation is necessary, and 596 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,520 Speaker 1: when support ends up being the main part of the relationship, 597 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:22,040 Speaker 1: it is time to reassess what that relationship really is. 598 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:26,320 Speaker 1: So just remember real help empower someone to get on 599 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,600 Speaker 1: their own feet and to do what they are trying 600 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:31,520 Speaker 1: to do by themselves. You are supporting. You are not 601 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:36,920 Speaker 1: the main character, and harmful help enables the person to 602 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:39,400 Speaker 1: maybe make that change for a week or a day, 603 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:43,360 Speaker 1: but it actually makes them reliant on you, and that 604 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: is not real help. That is harmful help. I also 605 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:50,360 Speaker 1: think that it's such a beautiful thing to want to 606 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:54,280 Speaker 1: help people, right, like we are all just human. Compassion 607 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,680 Speaker 1: is so necessary, and all we want to do is serve. 608 00:30:57,960 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 1: It's part of our human nature to want to serve, 609 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,600 Speaker 1: to give, and to love other people. But real change 610 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 1: only really occurs in someone when there's a shift in 611 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 1: their perspective, like in the way that they see themselves 612 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,600 Speaker 1: and the world and the situation that they're in. And 613 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:16,400 Speaker 1: no matter what someone does for you, unless you are 614 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:19,160 Speaker 1: able to do it for yourself, it's almost just putting 615 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:23,080 Speaker 1: a band aid on something, right, unless you are actually 616 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,360 Speaker 1: helping someone to come to their own conclusions. Like that's 617 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:31,080 Speaker 1: what I've actually realized. True support is right. True support 618 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: is not coming to someone's rescue and doing it for them, 619 00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 1: even though that feels like the easier option, even though 620 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,880 Speaker 1: it feels like you're doing you're taking a lot of 621 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:42,520 Speaker 1: burden off them. You are but you're also taking away 622 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,280 Speaker 1: their power to be able to do it themselves. And 623 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:49,040 Speaker 1: I think that that's a really really important distinction to make. 624 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,400 Speaker 1: Helping someone come to their own conclusions and empowering them 625 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,920 Speaker 1: to help themselves is the biggest, bestest form of support. 626 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,640 Speaker 1: And you know there will be times in your life 627 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: where you may have to put in a lot of 628 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:03,040 Speaker 1: effort for someone, but you'll know if that pattern keeps 629 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,960 Speaker 1: repeating that what you're doing doesn't help. Right, Like, there 630 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,720 Speaker 1: may be a burst a time where someone really needs 631 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,400 Speaker 1: all your focus, your attention, they've gone through something really horrible, 632 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:13,560 Speaker 1: then you need to be there to support them. And 633 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:16,080 Speaker 1: that's a different type of scenario to one where you 634 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,800 Speaker 1: are noticing yourself having a repeated pattern of helping someone 635 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:23,200 Speaker 1: over and over again, probably about the same thing. And 636 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:25,800 Speaker 1: reflecting on ourselves before we see all the fault in 637 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,160 Speaker 1: another person is always a better place to start for 638 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,240 Speaker 1: a clear idea of what changes need to happen. So 639 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:35,160 Speaker 1: I recommend honestly sitting down and just coming to the 640 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,400 Speaker 1: like coming to a realization first realizing what relationships you 641 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 1: need to take a look at, and then reflecting on 642 00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 1: the savior complex, Like, is that something that you have 643 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,400 Speaker 1: if it's not and that's not the reason, then reflecting 644 00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,720 Speaker 1: on your boundaries and where you need to set them, 645 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: and then recognizing where does it feel a bit sour, 646 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:54,800 Speaker 1: Where does it end up feeling a bit bitter to 647 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:57,320 Speaker 1: what part, like what areas of my life do I 648 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:01,120 Speaker 1: feel those feelings of resentment? Who do I feel them towards? 649 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:03,920 Speaker 1: And what part am I giving too much on? Because 650 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:06,520 Speaker 1: sometimes we can be really free with our energy and 651 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,960 Speaker 1: our time, but maybe if someone asks for our physical resources, 652 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:13,320 Speaker 1: we feel a little bit more resentful or we take 653 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:17,240 Speaker 1: that more seriously. Or it could be that you're actually 654 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,560 Speaker 1: really happy giving a lot of your resources. You have 655 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 1: abundance in your life, and so you're really happy with 656 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,320 Speaker 1: giving things or money, but your time and your energy 657 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,360 Speaker 1: are really important to you, and so creating boundaries in 658 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 1: specific areas they won't be the same with each thing, 659 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:35,760 Speaker 1: and so notice which parts trigger you and create that 660 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:39,560 Speaker 1: need to protect yourself. Anyway, I just wanted to share 661 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,520 Speaker 1: on that topic because it was something I've been thinking 662 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: about so much this week, and I really think can 663 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:48,240 Speaker 1: help to help your relationships get so much better, to 664 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:51,080 Speaker 1: help you in your own mind and your own heart 665 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:54,440 Speaker 1: to figure out areas that you need to improve on, 666 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,600 Speaker 1: because we're all here to grow and to change, and 667 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,440 Speaker 1: also recognize the weeds that we have in our heart 668 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:03,440 Speaker 1: before we recognize the weeds and others. And just because 669 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:07,240 Speaker 1: sometimes life just becomes things become so normal, right, like 670 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 1: we end up thinking things are so normal in our 671 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,239 Speaker 1: life and when we take a second, like I only 672 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,160 Speaker 1: started reflecting on this by having this conversation and advising 673 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:16,760 Speaker 1: my friend, and I had to remember and I reflected 674 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:18,879 Speaker 1: back on all the times I've also done that. So 675 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 1: sometimes having triggers of like conversations and hearing things like 676 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:25,759 Speaker 1: this can really help you to enhance and reflect at 677 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,040 Speaker 1: your own life. So I hope that was useful, and 678 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:30,719 Speaker 1: I really do hope that some of these things were 679 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,799 Speaker 1: good food for thought. But I also hope that this 680 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 1: conversation is going to be helpful for you to take 681 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:39,840 Speaker 1: away and improve your life in some way and your relationships. 682 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,360 Speaker 1: So thank you all so much for listening and sending 683 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 1: your so much love for this week.