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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode. In her Space, We Thank You.

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Speaker 3: Is to unearth those points of decision making so we

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Speaker 3: can be in choice and respond versus just reacting. Because

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Speaker 3: these stories you talked about this coming from your upbringing,

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Speaker 3: so you've been experienced. You've been playing out this storyline

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Speaker 3: your entire life, so it has become part of your identity, right.

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Speaker 3: And so what we did was we went in and

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Speaker 3: we looked at how you were using your voice, and

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Speaker 3: we looked at.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women

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Speaker 1: like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Broussard, a college

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Speaker 1: professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 4: And Terry Lomax, a techy and motivational speaker in a

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Speaker 4: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please

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Speaker 4: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 4: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 4: black women can just lead. All right, ladies, Today we

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Speaker 4: have a very special guest. We've invited my executive coach

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Speaker 4: Karea and Tie to join us in her space. For

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Speaker 4: the past eight months, Korean has empowered me with tools

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Speaker 4: to show up more powerfully in my work life and

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Speaker 4: personal life, and I'm super excited to share her and

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Speaker 4: her gifts with you. Kareen ties and experienced executive coach,

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Speaker 4: workshop leader, author, and communications strategist. She's also the founder

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Speaker 4: and CEO of Forage That's Courage.

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Speaker 2: With an F.

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Speaker 5: Gareen has served as the Head of Speaker Development at Jolt,

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Speaker 5: Partner of Speakeasy Strategies, a strategic communication advisory firm where

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Speaker 5: she led influencer relations and messaging and positioning, and prior

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Speaker 5: to that, she was the Chief Culture Officer at high

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Speaker 5: Wire PR.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the show, Grien.

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Speaker 3: I'm excited to be here. Thanks for having me.

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Speaker 1: You're so welcome, and now we're going to step into

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Speaker 1: our quote of the day. Our quote of the day

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Speaker 1: comes from Garean herself, for it is courage spelled with

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Speaker 1: an F. We believe your fear is the gateway to

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Speaker 1: your courage. For those of y'all who are listening out there,

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Speaker 1: please know that I had to say that We're multiple

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Speaker 1: times to get it, and part of that, I think

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Speaker 1: kind of teaks to this quote, speaks to what you're

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Speaker 1: saying about having the courage to kind of step into fear.

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Speaker 1: When I look at that word, I there was some hesitation,

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Speaker 1: There was like a little bit of fear there of like,

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Speaker 1: I've never seen this word. How do I pronounce this word?

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Speaker 1: And I'm speaking to the person who came up with

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Speaker 1: this quote. I need to actually get this right. That's

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Speaker 1: just my quick take. So talk to us a little

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Speaker 1: bit about how you came up with this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so it was actually about five years ago. I

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Speaker 3: sat down with the belief that you can teach empathy,

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Speaker 3: and it certainly is more innate for some people, but

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Speaker 3: I do think it's teachable, and so I sat down

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Speaker 3: to create a model as to how you would do it,

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Speaker 3: and it was empathy that actually led me to fear.

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Speaker 3: So if you think about it. Fear has been used

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Speaker 3: by governments, businesses, religions, you name it to divide people,

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Speaker 3: and communities are based in commonalities. So what my work

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Speaker 3: is showing me is there's about seven basal fears that

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Speaker 3: human beings have, but instead of being united by these,

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Speaker 3: they've been used to divide us. So in order to

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Speaker 3: access empathy, the entry way in is fear, and then

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Speaker 3: on a micro level, it's what enables us to expand

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Speaker 3: into our whole self.

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Speaker 2: So before we dive into the meat of the conversation

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Speaker 2: right today we're going to talk about fear. We're also

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Speaker 2: going to sprinkle in a little bit of best practices

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Speaker 2: around conversations and communication because we do have an expert

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Speaker 2: on the topic here, so we might as well ask

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Speaker 2: some of those questions. I would love to just kind

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Speaker 2: of go around and us all answer, like, what is

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Speaker 2: something that you can think of that you may have

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Speaker 2: been very fearful about, whether or not you've overcome it,

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Speaker 2: or it could be something you're still struggling with now.

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Speaker 2: But I have really been thinking about this since I

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Speaker 2: knew that we were going to talk about fear, and

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Speaker 2: I'm like, what if I been really fearful about in

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Speaker 2: life in general, and so I'll share what came up

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Speaker 2: for me, and then I'd love to just kind of

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Speaker 2: get your perspective. So for me, public speaking, believe it

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Speaker 2: or not, was something that caused so much fear ever

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Speaker 2: since I was little. But my family kind of pushed

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Speaker 2: me to go up and you know, in front of

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Speaker 2: the church and speak, and I would be so afraid.

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Speaker 2: Every single time my throat would lock up. I would

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Speaker 2: sound like I was about to cry because I was.

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Speaker 2: I would have like a frog in my throat and

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Speaker 2: I would shake and speak very very fast. And so

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Speaker 2: that was one of the things that has always been

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Speaker 2: like a big fear for me.

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Speaker 1: There are a number of things that come up for me.

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Speaker 1: The public speaking thing is one that easily comes up,

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Speaker 1: and you know, I teach and as a psychologist, I

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Speaker 1: presented conferences and am constantly speaking in front of people,

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Speaker 1: and so that is something that I'm constantly working on.

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Speaker 1: But in general, I think one of my biggest fears

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Speaker 1: is not leaving a good impact, so not walking away

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Speaker 1: from a space having left it better than when I

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Speaker 1: first entered it.

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Speaker 3: I actually can really relate to that. I think mine

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Speaker 3: and what started when I started on this journey, I

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Speaker 3: felt very plagued with purpose. I just didn't know what

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Speaker 3: my purpose was. But underneath that was that fear of

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Speaker 3: what if I'm not living my life to its fullest?

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Speaker 3: What if I'm not having the impact that I'm meant

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Speaker 3: to have here? So that one very much resonates with me.

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Speaker 2: Anywating, You've built a company around embracing fear, and you

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Speaker 2: state that fear is one of our greatest teachers. What

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Speaker 2: actually prompted you to dive into that place? Like you

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Speaker 2: talked a bit about empathy and being in that space,

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Speaker 2: but like, where were you at in your life when

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Speaker 2: you decided, you know what, I really want to focus

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Speaker 2: on fear and how it impacts us and how people

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Speaker 2: show up with fear.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so it kind of it showed itself to me

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Speaker 3: versus I found it as being the answer and then

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Speaker 3: tried to figure out how So at that time in

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Speaker 3: my life, I had just left my marriage and I

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Speaker 3: had left my job, and I was under the notion

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Speaker 3: that in space is the new answer. In space is space.

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Speaker 3: And it was actually quite a rabbit hole of I

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Speaker 3: would say, challenging times that I had to go through,

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Speaker 3: and it was in there that's where I actually made

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Speaker 3: the introduction to my own fears and to see what

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Speaker 3: benefits they had. So, if you think about it, we

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Speaker 3: could all be scared of everything, but we're not. We

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Speaker 3: tend to be scared of certain things, so public speaking,

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Speaker 3: for whatever reason, that doesn't scare me. But what our

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Speaker 3: fear is actually showing us is where we want to expand.

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Speaker 3: So people that may have a really spiritual practice or

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Speaker 3: in tune with their intuition, they might be getting those

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Speaker 3: messages about growth, about living on purpose. For those that

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Speaker 3: don't have that practice in place, your fear is actually

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Speaker 3: showing you where you want to grow. And if you

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Speaker 3: think about it, it's your fear that's showing you this

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Speaker 3: because from a neuroscience perspective, your fear is built to

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Speaker 3: actually protect you from unknowns, from all of these things.

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Speaker 3: So it would be your fear that would say, no,

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Speaker 3: don't go there, because I don't know how to protect

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Speaker 3: you there. I know how to protect you here. So

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Speaker 3: it's that same voice that's also protecting you from which

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Speaker 3: knows what's on the other side of it.

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Speaker 2: WHOA, that was a lot. That was amazing. I literally

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Speaker 2: got chills when you were just speaking. Then whoa, Okay.

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Speaker 1: It made so much sense to me. Mm hmm, Like

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Speaker 1: once you started explaining I mean, I was with you,

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Speaker 1: and then when you went into the neural science perspective

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Speaker 1: of yeah it it's protecting you, I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like that's what our brains, that's what our bodies are

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Speaker 1: always wired to do, is to engage in certain behaviors,

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Speaker 1: whether they appear healthy or not, to protect us. And

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Speaker 1: so then that makes so much sense to me.

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Speaker 2: I even think about when you are trying to when

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Speaker 2: you're trying to do something new, and or maybe it's

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Speaker 2: someone that you love, they're doing something that's scary to you.

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Speaker 2: It's I use that example because I think it's easier

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Speaker 2: for us to use something that's outside of ourselves instead

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Speaker 2: of the conversation that we have inside and the story

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Speaker 2: we're telling ourselves. But if you if your child, let's say,

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Speaker 2: wants to go far away to school, three thousand miles away,

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Speaker 2: and you're like, well, I've never been to that place,

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Speaker 2: Well I don't want you to go because I want

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Speaker 2: to protect you. That's kind of what we're doing to

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Speaker 2: ourselves when we're fearful. So I want to talk about

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Speaker 2: how do we get to the other side, because I

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Speaker 2: feel like the magic happens on the other side of fear, right,

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Speaker 2: So how do we get to that place? And what

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Speaker 2: do we have to do internally because it sounds like

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Speaker 2: there's some internal work that needs to take place in

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Speaker 2: order for us to move past the fear and do

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Speaker 2: what we've come here to do.

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Speaker 3: Right, And the first place I want to start is

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Speaker 3: actually people talk about conquering fear, moving past fear, and

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Speaker 3: to me, fear is actually a beautiful thing. So rather

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Speaker 3: than conquer or being fearless, it's about starting a relationship

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Speaker 3: of how to be with your fear. If we see

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Speaker 3: it as information, then it's something that we don't have

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Speaker 3: to be scared of. It doesn't need to be a negative, positive, good, bad,

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Speaker 3: light dark. It's information.

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Speaker 1: So I sit with my fear.

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Speaker 3: Yes.

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Speaker 1: So I have to get comfortable with my fear.

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Speaker 3: Yes.

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Speaker 1: So that thing that really is making me uncomfortable, that's

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Speaker 1: causing like the panic attacks and causing the stress, I

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Speaker 1: have to learn to sit with.

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Speaker 3: It, yes, And I'm gonna tell you how to do that.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 3: So one way, of course, there's curiosity. Curiosity. I continue

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Speaker 3: to come back to curiosity. But what will sound surprising.

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Speaker 3: Is the way into your fear is actually gratitude. And

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Speaker 3: what I mean by that is I work with a

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Speaker 3: lot of people. Anxiety comes up for you. A lot

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Speaker 3: of people experience anxiety, right, And so how would one

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Speaker 3: be grateful for their anxiety? Do you guys have any thoughts?

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Speaker 2: The only thing that comes to mind for me is

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Speaker 2: like maybe thanking your body for giving you a sign

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Speaker 2: that something is happening.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's a good one. That's definitely worthy. People

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Speaker 3: that are anxious tend to also be incredibly detail oriented.

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Speaker 3: They tend to be incredibly thoughtful. They're probably compassionate because

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Speaker 3: they're aware of what other people might be going through.

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Speaker 3: So you see, and we could keep going, but you

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Speaker 3: see what I'm When you start to appreciate what this

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Speaker 3: air quote negative attribute has brought you, that's actually helped

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Speaker 3: to fine who you are and define some of your

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Speaker 3: strong attributes, then it eases the ability to begin to

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Speaker 3: sit with that fear.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so how do I find that gratitude? Like? What

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Speaker 1: are life like the baby steps for me to like

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Speaker 1: find that gratitude?

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Speaker 2: Also, can we put in a real life example to

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Speaker 2: just in case someone's listening and they're like this, this

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Speaker 2: sounds great, it's theoretical. But if we were like, whether

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Speaker 2: it's one of our fears? Okay, perfect, perfect, there we go.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so dam or you're willing to go there with me?

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Speaker 1: Sure?

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Speaker 3: Okay, so then give me a fear that you have.

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Speaker 1: We'll go with the public speaking example.

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Speaker 3: But that wasn't yours.

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Speaker 1: And see how and see how and see how? And

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Speaker 1: so I did that. I can't even refer like I

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Speaker 1: did that intentionally, right, because sometimes people who are anxious,

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Speaker 1: when they have something that they are trying to work on,

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Speaker 1: they might not be ready yet, and so they'll avoid

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Speaker 1: it and they'll bring in other things to not address

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Speaker 1: the real thing. Right. So, now, if we do dive

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Speaker 1: back into the example that I gave, the example that

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Speaker 1: I gave, if my memory serves me right, because sometimes

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Speaker 1: my short term memory was a fear of not leaving

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Speaker 1: a good impact.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So how has that fear of not leaving a

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Speaker 3: good impact served you?

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Speaker 1: That fear has stopped me from following through taking action

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Speaker 1: steps on ideas that I know could potentially leave a

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Speaker 1: good impact.

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Speaker 3: So not what it stopped you from? Okay, how has

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Speaker 3: that fear served you? How has it benefited you. I

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Speaker 3: can give you an example if you need one vo

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Speaker 3: for it. Okay, So, has it contributed to your thoughtfulness

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Speaker 3: in preparation?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Has it contributed to your passion for wanting to have

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Speaker 3: an impact?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Has it contributed to your curiosity and opening new doors

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Speaker 3: and how you can expand how you can make an

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Speaker 3: it pack eventually?

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Speaker 1: It does. Initially it may stop me.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So you give me some examples of how else

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Speaker 3: it may have served you.

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Speaker 1: It has forced me to be in scenarios be an

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Speaker 1: environment that, even if I don't necessarily feel comfortable in them,

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Speaker 1: I don't like the opposite thought of not leaving a

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Speaker 1: good impact. And if I know that this uncomfortable situation

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Speaker 1: is going to be the thing that helps me leave

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Speaker 1: a good impact, I'm going to sit with the discomfort.

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Speaker 3: So would you say, maybe it's even helped you live

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Speaker 3: on purpose.

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Speaker 1: If I really think about it, Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Seems like a pretty worthy gift to me.

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Speaker 1: When you frame it like that. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. And I don't want to take the whole session

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Speaker 3: going through, but it's an example. That's what the power

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Speaker 3: of reframing, right, So we can be victim to our

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Speaker 3: fear or we can see what information is in there

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Speaker 3: and then what we want to keep, what we are,

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Speaker 3: how we are, who we are because of those and

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Speaker 3: then with that strength. See I see fear and courage

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Speaker 3: as being the same thing. It's just opposite ends of

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Speaker 3: one spectrum. So what what fear is preventing you from

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Speaker 3: is the same thing that you apply your courage too. Right,

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Speaker 3: So you take that information from your fear, you connect

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Speaker 3: with what's true, what's powerful, and what served you, and

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Speaker 3: then you're in a stronger place to move into your courage.

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Speaker 1: Now I have a trickier example, you guys.

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Speaker 2: That's the system I do.

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Speaker 1: I do it because I think about, like I have

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Speaker 1: a fear of fallowing. So it is more like more

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Speaker 1: like a phobia, I guess because it is kind of

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Speaker 1: a rational I own that. But what it does is

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Speaker 1: it stops me from like taking escalators or like, well,

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Speaker 1: let me not say it stops me. But what happens

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Speaker 1: is is that I will be at an escalator and

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Speaker 1: I'll hesitate and like the going down, or I'll look

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Speaker 1: at a flight of stairs and I'll take my time,

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Speaker 1: like I'll take like little baby steps. And so when

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Speaker 1: I think about, like if someone has a fear like

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Speaker 1: kind of like that, how do we find gratitude in

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Speaker 1: that fear? Because right now what comes up for me

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Speaker 1: is I ain't nothing to be grateful for when I'm

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Speaker 1: looking at this escalator and I'm thinking about, oh, I

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Speaker 1: might what if I falled out these escalators, this escalator,

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Speaker 1: and I create this scene, this embarrassing scene that everyone sees,

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Speaker 1: and so then my mind starts going to all those places.

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Speaker 1: And so then that's the way another type of fear

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Speaker 1: that may show up.

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Speaker 3: Sure, and in this I mean a lot of these

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Speaker 3: there's layers of complication, right, so this might take time

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Speaker 3: to get into. But the first question, did you do

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Speaker 3: you have a core memory of falling?

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Speaker 1: Quite a few?

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Speaker 3: Okay, okay, So to me, it's actually what's beneath that?

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Speaker 3: So there's something that's triggered, whether it's your safety, whether

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Speaker 3: it's your there's control or lack thereof. So there's something

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Speaker 3: actually beneath the falling that that's the one that we

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Speaker 3: would want to go into and look at what's been

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Speaker 3: triggered there that now, anything associated with that triggers that

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Speaker 3: underlying fear, and it's that fear that we would then

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Speaker 3: be working with which we can do if you guys

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Speaker 3: want to do, it's up to you.

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Speaker 2: So really quickly, I want to bring this is so

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Speaker 2: so powerful, lady. As you listen, I hope you're using

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Speaker 2: these questions and the conversation for your own life and

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Speaker 2: the things that you're feeling fearful about. What I want

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Speaker 2: to jump into really quickly is how powerful it is

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Speaker 2: to reframe our thinking. I know when I look at like, oh, oh,

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Speaker 2: tissues here, I just felt like I might have a

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Speaker 2: moment when I look at when I think about the

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Speaker 2: things that I've been through in life and things that

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Speaker 2: I've overcome and the things that I'm doing now. Like

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Speaker 2: I said, public speaking was a big fear for me,

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Speaker 2: and I'm a public speaker now and it's just like WHOA.

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Speaker 2: But I think about how I literally reframed my thinking

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Speaker 2: and I reframed my mind and the different I want

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Speaker 2: to say, connections that were there and had to break

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Speaker 2: up with the things that no longer served me. But

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Speaker 2: we did an activity in the beginning of the year,

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Speaker 2: and I believe that one of the fears I shared

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Speaker 2: with you was around fear of just showing up fully

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Speaker 2: and like walking in my power because of the upbringing

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Speaker 2: I had and the things that I had been through.

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Speaker 2: That was something I was just fearful about. And so

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Speaker 2: we dug in and I remember I used to beat

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Speaker 2: myself up about being you know, I thought I always

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Speaker 2: caught myself timid, and I wasn't you know, I didn't

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Speaker 2: speak up a lot. And you did an activity where

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Speaker 2: we reframed those things and thought about how they served me.

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Speaker 2: Do you remember that, go in? Can you talk a

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Speaker 2: little bit about that and how that relates to fear

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Speaker 2: and kind of who we circle back around on that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean similarly. It's so what we did

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Speaker 3: was we went to the underlying source of that, right,

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Speaker 3: and that was based both on experiences that you had

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Speaker 3: and then going back to the neuroscience, what happens with

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Speaker 3: our brains is when we react the same way in

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Speaker 3: a similar circumstance over and over again. What was just

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Speaker 3: firing down a neuropathway all of a sudden creates a

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Speaker 3: super highway, and then we lose the point to actually

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Speaker 3: realize that we have a decision point there. We just

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Speaker 3: start reacting, reacting, reacting, And so part of this reframing,

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Speaker 3: part of this stepping back, is to unearth those points

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Speaker 3: of decision making, so we can be in choice and

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Speaker 3: respond versus just reacting. Because these stories you talked about

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Speaker 3: this coming from your upbringing, so you've been experienced, You've

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Speaker 3: been playing out this storyline your entire life, so it

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Speaker 3: has become part of your identity, right, And so what

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Speaker 3: we did was we went in and we looked at

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Speaker 3: how you were using your voice, and we looked at

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Speaker 3: how that timidess was also connected you to your authenticity.

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Speaker 3: It connected you to your integrity, it connected you to

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Speaker 3: the power of your own truth. And then you realize

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Speaker 3: that you actually had been communicating it exactly. You were

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Speaker 3: doing it in a blog, you were doing it in

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Speaker 3: your writing, you were doing it on stage. But because

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Speaker 3: we don't take the time to pause, honor and be

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Speaker 3: grateful for what we're doing, our minds still holds on

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Speaker 3: to this previous form of identity and story, which is

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Speaker 3: actually not even what we are today, which is so mindflow.

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Speaker 2: And when you think about the fact that you're going

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Speaker 2: from A to B right this, I'm using A to

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Speaker 2: B as the neuro the pathway right that your brain

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Speaker 2: is making. You're so used to going from A to

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Speaker 2: B because you've done that in your childhood. You've done

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Speaker 2: it all these years, and even when you start to

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Speaker 2: go from A to C, you still think A to

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Speaker 2: B because that's so natural to you. So I was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm so timid, and you were like, wait, but Terry,

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Speaker 2: you weren't timid here. You weren't you spoke up here,

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Speaker 2: And even though I'm fearful and I speak up and

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Speaker 2: have to advocate for myself, I do it. So it's like,

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Speaker 2: you're actually not timids? So why are we still using that?

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Speaker 2: So to look at how did it be? How did

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Speaker 2: it serve you? How did being timids serve you in

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Speaker 2: the environment you grew up in? And now let's leave

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Speaker 2: that there and let's now recreate what we actually are

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Speaker 2: doing what we want to be right? So that is

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Speaker 2: like whoa mind blowing?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, if you think about our self critics are

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Speaker 3: on loop, they are running on They do the best

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Speaker 3: job of anybody at their jobs, right, And how often

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Speaker 3: do you sit down and write your proud list? How

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Speaker 3: often does one honor who they are today? And so

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Speaker 3: who still gets a big role your self critic defining

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Speaker 3: who you are when it's not reflective of who you are.

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Speaker 1: When you're a top achiever or when you're someone who

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Speaker 1: is used to pursuing things right, pursuing success, that oftentimes

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Speaker 1: it's easy for us to hang on to that negative

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Speaker 1: thing because we're trying to figure out, Okay, if I'm

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Speaker 1: going to be I'm trying to reach goal A, and

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Speaker 1: I've done all the things along the way. If I've

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Speaker 1: missed one two three, then I need to figure out

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Speaker 1: how I need to go back and fix one two

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Speaker 1: three to make sure I get to A. And that

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Speaker 1: feeds into that perfectionism that comes along with success.

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Speaker 3: Well, and one other piece that I wanted to connect

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Speaker 3: the thread that you both mentioned dom about always wanting

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Speaker 3: to have an impact where you are terry about public speaking.

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Speaker 3: In both cases, your why was bigger than I. And

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Speaker 3: what I mean by that is you were both in

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Speaker 3: service of something, a message that you wanted to deliver,

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Speaker 3: the betterment of mental health, whatever it was, there was

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Speaker 3: something larger than I. And so when we know what

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Speaker 3: we're in service of, it's a great fear diminisher as well.

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Speaker 3: For that I voice of why me anything like that,

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Speaker 3: When what you're doing it for is more important, then

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Speaker 3: you can connect to the strong attributes of why you're

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Speaker 3: doing it.

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Speaker 1: That makes sense, that makes sense. I'm like, oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: coming to purpose.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Now when you work with so many people, right,

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Speaker 2: and when you think about the people that they come

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Speaker 2: to their realization and they're like, Okay, I get it.

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Speaker 2: I'm fearful about this thing. I know that I probably

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Speaker 2: need to reframe my thinking and do some personal work.

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Speaker 2: What's the thing that stops people from actually moving with

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Speaker 2: the fear, feeling the fear and doing it anyway? What's

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Speaker 2: stopping people from doing that in your experience?

439
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 3: You know, I find it to be a combination of

440
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:45,080
Speaker 3: a number of systems familial, cultural, societal, religious. But we

441
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,639
Speaker 3: are trained and taught from such a young age to

442
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,639
Speaker 3: be in boxes. So going back to like neuropathways and

443
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,199
Speaker 3: super highways, everything we're taught is to fit in, is

444
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,280
Speaker 3: to look like this, is to sound like this, and

445
00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 3: so being our true authentic selves, it can't look like

446
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:09,280
Speaker 3: anybody else. That's that's unraveling. That's until we become comfortable

447
00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:12,440
Speaker 3: in the contentment of our authentic selves. That's going to

448
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:16,159
Speaker 3: be uncomfortable. And so it's talk about a reframe. But

449
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,800
Speaker 3: I work with making uncomfortable the new comfortable for people,

450
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:24,439
Speaker 3: because where does growth happen, Where does transformation happen? Tend

451
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 3: to be when you're uncomfortable right, So again, why do

452
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:33,160
Speaker 3: we put this negative stigma on uncomfortable right? If that's

453
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 3: where the magic happens, why is that a bad negative

454
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,119
Speaker 3: place to be? That?

455
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,480
Speaker 2: And outside the box. It's like anything that's unconventional, anything

456
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,399
Speaker 2: that people cannot put in a box or the fins like,

457
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 2: what is that? Oh, it's wrong? We got to be

458
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 2: in this way. And I think that's such a good point.

459
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 2: We learned so many things as kids, even though it

460
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 2: may be the wrong thing, right, It's like you you've

461
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,679
Speaker 2: believed this for so long that when you cut, Like

462
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,680
Speaker 2: I remember when I learned that Santa Claus wasn't really

463
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,840
Speaker 2: as a kid, my parents you know, they re at

464
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:02,919
Speaker 2: one point and it was devastating because it's like, I

465
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,160
Speaker 2: believe this all these years. So what does it mean now?

466
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,560
Speaker 2: What's the new thing for me to go to now

467
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 2: that this thing that I've held on for dear life

468
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:10,960
Speaker 2: is no longer there?

469
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:12,200
Speaker 3: What'd you find?

470
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,400
Speaker 2: Well? Something much better. I can make my own money

471
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 2: and find my own kids.

472
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:30,000
Speaker 1: You're your own And so as I've been listening one

473
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:34,240
Speaker 1: of the things that keeps resonating with me is that

474
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: this feels very similar to therapy. From talking about reframing

475
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,720
Speaker 1: and then I mean you immediately have me pulled in

476
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,120
Speaker 1: when we were talking about like neuroscience pathways, I was like, Oh,

477
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 1: when you're working with your clients, how do you differentiate

478
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,600
Speaker 1: for them between the work you're doing with coaching them

479
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 1: versus therapy and maybe making that recommendation that maybe they

480
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 1: need to transition into therapy.

481
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's it's I can't say there's a

482
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,199
Speaker 3: steadfast rule. It's very case by case and independent. I

483
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 3: am not a clinical therapist. I am not a psychiatrist.

484
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,880
Speaker 3: I cannot prescribe drugs. So for me, it's a very

485
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 3: open conversation. I mean we are in a dialogue as

486
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 3: to whether our work is helping. How are they sleeping,

487
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,119
Speaker 3: how is their anxiety level, how how does their body feel?

488
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 3: How is tension? If it seems like something that we

489
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 3: can't get to in the coaching environment, then absolutely. I

490
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,080
Speaker 3: work with people who also see a therapist who also

491
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 3: I mean, so it's not it's not an either or.

492
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,920
Speaker 3: I'm an active part of my interaction. I'm actively probing

493
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:57,639
Speaker 3: my clients in a way arry you can speak to

494
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 3: it in a way that's helping to drive their curiosity

495
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 3: to do their own work. But it does feel a

496
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,479
Speaker 3: little different than therapy, and so I do think they

497
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:11,560
Speaker 3: can be complimentary. Or in some cases, if I'm doing

498
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 3: an intro call with somebody and it's clear that like

499
00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 3: this is not this is not work that I can do,

500
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,840
Speaker 3: then I will refer them to a clinical therapist that

501
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:21,640
Speaker 3: they can work with.

502
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,600
Speaker 2: And I've definitely done both at the same time. So

503
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 2: I've done the executive coaching and therapy at the same time,

504
00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:29,520
Speaker 2: and I think they're a good compliment too, and for

505
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 2: each other they can be. But I totally understand what

506
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 2: you mean around you know, I think in either scenario, really,

507
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,680
Speaker 2: if the ball is in your court, lady, like whatever,

508
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,200
Speaker 2: whatever advice you get, whatever direction you get, it's all

509
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:42,879
Speaker 2: up to what are you going to do with it? Right?

510
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 2: I feel like in so many instances we get new information,

511
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:47,280
Speaker 2: we're like, oh, okay, yeah, I know how to do this.

512
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 2: Now Okay, well, now what are you going to How

513
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:51,640
Speaker 2: are you going to take action and implement the things

514
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,679
Speaker 2: that you've learned so that you can get to the

515
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 2: place that you want to be right, whether it's I

516
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,119
Speaker 2: don't want to say overcoming fear, but moving with the

517
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,879
Speaker 2: fear and getting to that place. So, I know we

518
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,960
Speaker 2: said we talk a bit about communication, and we've had

519
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 2: some just people message us and ask us about talking

520
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,280
Speaker 2: about certain topics. And there are a few topics that

521
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 2: come to mind that I would love to just get

522
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,360
Speaker 2: your insight on that can hopefully give the listeners some

523
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:15,880
Speaker 2: nuggets they can take with them in their daily life.

524
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,200
Speaker 2: I think boundaries with in laws is always a popular one.

525
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 2: Communicating about something that might be annoying or unfulfilling that

526
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 2: your partner might be doing, and you're like, how do

527
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 2: I have this conversation? And maybe if you have like

528
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 2: toxic parents, I feel like that's another one that has

529
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,360
Speaker 2: come up. And so we'll just kind of start with

530
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 2: boundaries and maybe just some general best practices on where

531
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 2: do you even begin when it comes to communicating with

532
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,920
Speaker 2: your partner around your in laws, Like, I know I

533
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,280
Speaker 2: have my personal best practice on things like that, but

534
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:50,040
Speaker 2: I'd love to hear how you coach folks through those conversations.

535
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, so first, the best place is always to start

536
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:57,960
Speaker 3: with curiosity. So if it's your in laws, and this

537
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 3: is your partner, understand their experience of it. They may

538
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 3: not even have thought of their experience of it, because,

539
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 3: like we were just talking about, we go through life

540
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:08,160
Speaker 3: with things that we don't question it. It just is

541
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 3: what it is, which does not mean it has to

542
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:11,480
Speaker 3: be that way.

543
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 2: Can you say that one more time? That was powerful.

544
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,680
Speaker 3: We go through life thinking that it is what it is,

545
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 3: but it doesn't have to be that way. And curiosity,

546
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 3: when you pose a question to something, change is likely

547
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 3: going to happen.

548
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,560
Speaker 2: So when you say get curious, I know what that

549
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 2: means from our experiences and I've used that in my life,

550
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 2: which has been so powerful. Oh my goodness. Can you

551
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,240
Speaker 2: give examples of what does it look like for you

552
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 2: to maybe have a conversation with your partner and get

553
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 2: curious about what's happening with the in laws, whether it's

554
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:43,320
Speaker 2: like boundaries or they're like intruding. How do you get curious?

555
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:44,080
Speaker 2: What does that look like?

556
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 3: Yeah? Well, I mean first before you go in, I

557
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 3: would think about what elements you do. We always want

558
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 3: to go in recognizing what's working right. We don't want

559
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 3: to just go in putting somebody on the defense. So

560
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,200
Speaker 3: first think about what it is that you appreciate, what

561
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 3: you would even want more of, Because if you're pointing

562
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:06,800
Speaker 3: at something and saying this isn't working, you want to

563
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:09,760
Speaker 3: be able to at least open a conversation around what

564
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,920
Speaker 3: we could develop more of. Right in the case of boundaries,

565
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,959
Speaker 3: for an in law, it can be tricky because it's family,

566
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:21,160
Speaker 3: and wherever family is concerned, it's everything is triggered to

567
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 3: the nth degree, right, and so being mindful of that,

568
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,440
Speaker 3: just get curious. So I would ask my partner, how

569
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 3: do you feel about the level of interaction about the

570
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:37,160
Speaker 3: unexpected phone calls, about the showing up on our doorstep?

571
00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:40,520
Speaker 3: Not in this tone, but really really want to understand,

572
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:43,520
Speaker 3: like is this something that they like? Is it something

573
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 3: that they enjoy? Is it something Was this just the

574
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 3: way that it was? What if in your ideal scenario

575
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,959
Speaker 3: it could be different. Without even entertaining the idea of

576
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,680
Speaker 3: having the conversation with the in laws yet, but just

577
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,520
Speaker 3: between the two of you, what does an ideal scenario

578
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:04,160
Speaker 3: look like? What does it feel like? First first, just

579
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 3: opening the door to what's possible, because the chances of

580
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 3: your partner having looked at and realizing what might be obligation,

581
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 3: what might just be habitual, or what might be wants.

582
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,640
Speaker 3: Those are three and those are just three of multiple

583
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:24,800
Speaker 3: categories that you could start to go into. And if

584
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 3: they feel supported, which curiosity tends to support, versus shame

585
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 3: or blame or anything negative, that's a much more safe space.

586
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 3: What you need is a safe environment to have the conversation.

587
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 2: That sounds key. And I do want to add, if

588
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 2: you are using these tools in your life, which I

589
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,280
Speaker 2: hope you are because it's a valuable information gree and

590
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 2: sharing right now, you need to invest in a notepad

591
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,520
Speaker 2: or some kind of note taking device because if you

592
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:55,360
Speaker 2: think about we talked about these neuro pathways, neural pathways

593
00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 2: that are being shaped right in your life, and it's

594
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,360
Speaker 2: been this way for so long. So anything, any change

595
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 2: that's going to happen, it's going to take time. It's

596
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:06,120
Speaker 2: going to be a process. And so I personally I

597
00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 2: keep a notebook of all session notes and what I'm

598
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,200
Speaker 2: working on, what goals are, because I know that it's

599
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,719
Speaker 2: more about the marathon and not a sprint. It's not

600
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:15,360
Speaker 2: like you're going to have a conversation with your partner.

601
00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 2: It's like, oh, this family history of you know thirty

602
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:20,560
Speaker 2: five years they've had it's going to change drastically. No,

603
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 2: it's going to take time. So take notes and you

604
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 2: got to kind of be strategic about of this as well.

605
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,959
Speaker 2: And remember that just because something has always been a

606
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,160
Speaker 2: certain way doesn't mean it has to stay that way.

607
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:34,840
Speaker 1: And when you get this journal or this note taking device,

608
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,040
Speaker 1: it's better if you're actually writing it down. Because as

609
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,959
Speaker 1: we're talking about creating those neural pathways, the thing that

610
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:47,160
Speaker 1: will solidify those memories and really create that those neural

611
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: connections is writing it down versus typing it. That's one

612
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:56,400
Speaker 1: thing we know. We've seen research has proven in academias

613
00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 1: that students do better in terms of learning new material

614
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:01,760
Speaker 1: when they write it down.

615
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 2: Thank you, Tom. I always felt like writing. I always

616
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 2: felt like writing was felt better for me, but I

617
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 2: never knew there was research to back that up. So

618
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:10,040
Speaker 2: thank you very much.

619
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 1: Right right, don't type there?

620
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 2: Oh, I love it new tagline and one other, and

621
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,400
Speaker 2: thank you for pushing me on curiosity.

622
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:24,080
Speaker 3: There's a difference between listening to speak versus listening to listen,

623
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:28,640
Speaker 3: and so when you engage with your partner, really come

624
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:32,080
Speaker 3: from a place of wanting to understand because it's from

625
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 3: there that you guys can create a shared agenda. You'll

626
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:38,160
Speaker 3: have what's important to you and he or she they

627
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 3: may have what's important to them. And it's together that

628
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 3: you can create a new way forward. And that really

629
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 3: begins with listening. To listen.

630
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:51,160
Speaker 1: So, as we're continuing this conversation with our partners, what

631
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 1: if it's something that they do that annoys us. So

632
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,080
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily their in laws, although the in laws

633
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:04,600
Speaker 1: might annoy us, right, but it's there something small or

634
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: maybe something large, but it's something that they're doing on

635
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:10,719
Speaker 1: a day to day that really annoys us or really

636
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,560
Speaker 1: leaves us feeling unfulfilled. How do we communicate that?

637
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 3: So I would say things that annoy us are things

638
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 3: that makes unfulfilled are two slightly different categories, but let's

639
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 3: start with the annoys piece. So if something is annoying

640
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:28,280
Speaker 3: to us, it is actually more indicative to what's going

641
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,680
Speaker 3: on for us than it is for the person that

642
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:36,360
Speaker 3: might be annoying us. So I know, lady, I wish

643
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,160
Speaker 3: it was an easy answer of point the finger and blame,

644
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:46,360
Speaker 3: but but no, I mean, there's definitely something that's happening

645
00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,800
Speaker 3: inside of us. And in that case, something is being triggered,

646
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:53,480
Speaker 3: So again get curious, only this time bring your curiosity inside.

647
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,839
Speaker 3: So what is Maybe it's a value of yours that's

648
00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 3: being triggered, Maybe it's a path of yours that doesn't

649
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,799
Speaker 3: have a play. Maybe it's something that's true for you

650
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,799
Speaker 3: that's getting shut down. But it actually has to do

651
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:11,600
Speaker 3: with you and not this person. So first connecting to

652
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 3: what it is. Are you angry? And by the way,

653
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:19,279
Speaker 3: angry isn't a bad emotion. Angry again not negative. It's

654
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:24,799
Speaker 3: how you express anger that might become But so what

655
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,360
Speaker 3: are you feeling? Are you feeling angry? Are you feeling sad?

656
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,520
Speaker 3: Are you feeling like there is a feeling beneath that

657
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 3: annoyance that so the annoyance says, get curious. The next

658
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,480
Speaker 3: question is what am I feeling underneath that feeling? Is

659
00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,520
Speaker 3: why you're feeling that way? Right? And so that's where

660
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,320
Speaker 3: you can get to the emotion or the truth underneath

661
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:47,520
Speaker 3: the emotion, and then you might be able to begin

662
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,399
Speaker 3: to have a conversation when you know what you're having

663
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:53,400
Speaker 3: the conversation about, because when you don't wash that dish

664
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:59,359
Speaker 3: might not be what's actually what's what the depth is about? There, right,

665
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 3: so you can put a band aid on it, but

666
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,600
Speaker 3: are you really impacting the change that you're hoping for?

667
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:05,640
Speaker 3: Probably not.

668
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,280
Speaker 2: Agreea's over, you're preaching all right, that was that was good.

669
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:14,279
Speaker 1: That really was a good one. So okay, it's it's

670
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:19,960
Speaker 1: not you, it's me. Seriously, it's being like legit, like

671
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,240
Speaker 1: real talk. I have to go in word. Okay.

672
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,359
Speaker 2: Now, I've had quite a few conversations and I've had

673
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 2: my own personal experiences with non traditional parent relationships, and

674
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,839
Speaker 2: so the situations that I hear about now that i'd

675
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:35,920
Speaker 2: love for us to address because I know lots of

676
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,319
Speaker 2: people we know are dealing with this, is when you

677
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:42,440
Speaker 2: have a parent or parent that either they're kind of

678
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:46,399
Speaker 2: behaving badly, right, So whether that's they're being toxic, they're

679
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 2: not being supportive, they're they're just not meeting you on

680
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 2: a level playing field to have, you know, adult interactions.

681
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,040
Speaker 2: I want to say, how do you deal with situations

682
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:56,480
Speaker 2: like that?

683
00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:58,480
Speaker 3: And again, I mean I think it's case by case,

684
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:01,920
Speaker 3: it's going to be different. But the first thing is

685
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:04,719
Speaker 3: let's start with the theme here. So get curious as

686
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 3: for you, what's being triggered, what what do you feel

687
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 3: lost around what is not being fulfilled for you. Whether

688
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,480
Speaker 3: or not those things are able to be met by

689
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,960
Speaker 3: this person is another conversation. But what you can do

690
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:21,120
Speaker 3: is determine what's important to you that's not being met.

691
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,880
Speaker 2: So to give you a quick example, because this is

692
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,879
Speaker 2: all I can already tell, we're getting in deep there.

693
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 2: So I'll give you an example. A friend. I won't

694
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:29,000
Speaker 2: say their name obviously, but a friend is having a

695
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 2: bad relationship with his dad, and the situation, just to

696
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:34,919
Speaker 2: kind of give you the high level, he came out

697
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 2: years ago and his dad was like totally disowned him,

698
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 2: and he's very just mean and nasty to him, and

699
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,719
Speaker 2: the friend really wants like love, affection. He's looking for

700
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 2: all these things that his dad is not providing, And

701
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,279
Speaker 2: so that's kind of that'll give us a bit more

702
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:50,160
Speaker 2: I guess context.

703
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,719
Speaker 6: Okay, So the first thing I would have him do

704
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,440
Speaker 6: is look at what are those things that he's missing. Okay,

705
00:37:55,480 --> 00:38:01,880
Speaker 6: So that's love, it's affection, maybe it's acceptance, maybe it's safety,

706
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,239
Speaker 6: maybe it's so all of those elements. What this opportunity

707
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,160
Speaker 6: is doing for him is showing him.

708
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:12,000
Speaker 3: What's important to him. Those might be things he can

709
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:16,239
Speaker 3: start to build within, and those are things that he

710
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 3: wants in his life. So whether they not they come

711
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:23,000
Speaker 3: from his traditional father, maybe they come from other people,

712
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 3: which could be family members, it could be friends, it

713
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 3: could be people he hasn't met yet. But those are

714
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:32,359
Speaker 3: elements that are important to him. And so it's also

715
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:36,320
Speaker 3: just I mean, we talk about boxes, but maybe you

716
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 3: don't get the father love from your actual father. Maybe

717
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 3: you get it from a peer in your workspace. Maybe

718
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 3: you get it from somebody of a community that you

719
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:49,319
Speaker 3: belong to a Jim, It can come from anywhere. What's

720
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:53,879
Speaker 3: important is knowing what those important attributes are. Right as

721
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:59,160
Speaker 3: far as dealing with his parent, in this case, this

722
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 3: is the harder work because that actually requires compassion. What

723
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 3: his father is doing is perhaps I would say, one

724
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 3: of two things, but a what he's capable of, which

725
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:12,880
Speaker 3: who knows what his life experience was, who knows what

726
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 3: his parents taught him? Who knows what boxes he's falling within?

727
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:19,480
Speaker 3: And I'm sure there's some of his own fear he

728
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 3: has right, but since we're not working with him, what

729
00:39:23,719 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 3: I would tell to your friend is to be able

730
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 3: to take a step back, to apply some compassion, maybe

731
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,160
Speaker 3: not for his father's benefit, but for his own benefit,

732
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:36,360
Speaker 3: and for realizing that this man is doing what he

733
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:40,319
Speaker 3: has the capacity to do and then finding ways that

734
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:42,719
Speaker 3: he can find all those elements that are important to

735
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:43,880
Speaker 3: him other places.

736
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:46,959
Speaker 2: That is so powerful and so outside of the box.

737
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, some of us. I know

738
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,320
Speaker 2: there were certain you know, familial relationships that I desired

739
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:56,000
Speaker 2: growing up, but I got them from mentors and advisors

740
00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 2: and I sort of had this spiritual village of mine

741
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,359
Speaker 2: where it's like, we're not all blood related, but you're

742
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:05,400
Speaker 2: providing me with so much life and fulfillment and positivity.

743
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:08,760
Speaker 2: That's been it's been a very important part in my journey,

744
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,000
Speaker 2: and so, you know, I think that's just so powerful

745
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 2: to frame it that way and to think about it

746
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,320
Speaker 2: in this out of the box.

747
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 3: You know, it's who I call my chosen family, and

748
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 3: my chosen family has honestly been a I mean, I

749
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,839
Speaker 3: could cry thinking about how grateful I am, and boy

750
00:40:25,920 --> 00:40:27,759
Speaker 3: does it not look like what I thought it would

751
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 3: look like.

752
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,080
Speaker 2: Right, That's so powerful. So don't shut ourselves off from

753
00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:34,480
Speaker 2: something just because it doesn't look conventional. And it's like, well,

754
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,000
Speaker 2: I really want this from mom, but if mom doesn't

755
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,799
Speaker 2: have it on a shelf to give. Then it's like,

756
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 2: you know, you want eggs and you want grits and

757
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:43,400
Speaker 2: you want beans, so you might have to get that

758
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,880
Speaker 2: from a different place. Right, So that is just like

759
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:50,839
Speaker 2: one point so grand. You've heard our show before, and

760
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,200
Speaker 2: you might notice that when we have guests, we have

761
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:59,840
Speaker 2: a special segment, our special segment called oh.

762
00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,600
Speaker 1: You bless It.

763
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,720
Speaker 2: And because we recognize, appreciate, and celebrate the multifaceted woman

764
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 2: and believe that it's okay to be classy and ratchet

765
00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:11,879
Speaker 2: and you can be elegant and dance to ship club

766
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,120
Speaker 2: music if you so choose, we invite you to the

767
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:19,120
Speaker 2: oh you clatch it segment. You take on the challenge trepidatiously.

768
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:22,040
Speaker 2: We got you, gotcha.

769
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:26,399
Speaker 1: You're stepping into that rubby air, you're bracing it, you're

770
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:31,800
Speaker 1: having you're using courage.

771
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:30,600
Speaker 2: All right?

772
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 1: So Korean? Which song get you on a dance for

773
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:37,920
Speaker 1: at the club or party?

774
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:39,799
Speaker 3: God, I can't believe that you guys are going here.

775
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,640
Speaker 3: It's funny because actually fear dancing is one of my

776
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,440
Speaker 3: greatest spirits, so I actually pushed myself to do it.

777
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 3: What's that song byed Missy Elliott that I'm totally blanking

778
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:51,840
Speaker 3: on the name of right now.

779
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:56,480
Speaker 2: Oh now, I'm thinking, Okay, missy songs, dumb missy songs. Music,

780
00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 2: makeey louse, keintrow, not that one, No, get your freak one,

781
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:03,319
Speaker 2: get you now, oh missy. Elliott has a catalog to

782
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,360
Speaker 2: let's see. We gotta we gotta, we gotta stop, We

783
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:09,520
Speaker 2: gotta google and figure out what was going in. Not

784
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 2: one two step work it.

785
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:23,239
Speaker 1: It's all Elliott, the Rain or Hot Boys. Oh one minute, man.

786
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:23,640
Speaker 3: I will have to All right, let me come up

787
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 3: with this. Guys, I don't dance very much.

788
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 1: If you were stepping into your fear, what would be

789
00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:36,240
Speaker 1: the song that would really force you to like step

790
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:36,799
Speaker 1: into it?

791
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:41,000
Speaker 3: Well, I just did an ecstatic dance class that forced me,

792
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:44,239
Speaker 3: which was not a song, but that was the biggest

793
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:49,839
Speaker 3: I was terrified the entire drive over there, and it

794
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:54,040
Speaker 3: was incredible. The way I felt afterwards. I have never

795
00:42:54,200 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 3: spelt such peace. But on the drive extatic time.

796
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:02,840
Speaker 1: You guys are from now I was gonna ask, what

797
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 1: is it?

798
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:05,560
Speaker 2: Oh? I thought you just were saying you had an

799
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:06,359
Speaker 2: extending time.

800
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:11,000
Speaker 3: Okay, there's this dance studio in the city. It's called

801
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:15,120
Speaker 3: Five Rhythms. There's no moves. It takes you through five

802
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:20,440
Speaker 3: different levels of energy of expressions that you start like

803
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,480
Speaker 3: on the floor super slow, then you pick up the tempo,

804
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,200
Speaker 3: then it's like all out going crazy, and then you

805
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:28,800
Speaker 3: wind back down. It's overcourse of an hour and a half.

806
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,120
Speaker 3: And there's no drinks. There's no bar, which is normally

807
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:37,759
Speaker 3: my liquid courage for dancing, right, and so you just

808
00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:41,800
Speaker 3: have to feel the music and then dance your creative

809
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:46,759
Speaker 3: expression of it. It was amazing after the fact, yeah

810
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 3: it was amazing. But on the way there, yeah it

811
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 3: was intense, but you did it and it felt incredible.

812
00:43:55,200 --> 00:44:01,880
Speaker 1: All right. So at that dance class or in general,

813
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,680
Speaker 1: when you have some courage and you're like, I'm with it,

814
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:06,760
Speaker 1: would you twerk or two step?

815
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:09,560
Speaker 3: To be honest, I'd probably work all right.

816
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:16,480
Speaker 5: Now, what's your favorite hairstyle on yourself?

817
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 2: If you change your hair up, what do you like?

818
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:23,880
Speaker 3: Top one is how I normally roll, and I'm trying

819
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 3: to actually wear my hair down more. It's my uncomfortable place,

820
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:34,000
Speaker 3: but it's I figure, I've got this huge main for

821
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 3: a reason, so why be top bunning it all the time?

822
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:39,279
Speaker 2: Yeah? It looks great. By the way, the color of

823
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,839
Speaker 2: the curls like I would always wear rair like that.

824
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:46,040
Speaker 1: Awesome, We're gonna switch gears just a little bit. What's

825
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:48,520
Speaker 1: the best compliment you've ever received?

826
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 3: Okay, it was most recent one that I remember. Somebody

827
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 3: thanked me for hearing what they didn't say, not what

828
00:44:58,080 --> 00:44:58,600
Speaker 3: they said.

829
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 1: That is powerful, as you talk about, as you've spoken

830
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 1: the beginning of the show about empathy. I feel like

831
00:45:07,239 --> 00:45:10,000
Speaker 1: that's a way that we can express empathy and that

832
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 1: that's powerful.

833
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,000
Speaker 3: And it's in that when you listen to listen, you

834
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:19,160
Speaker 3: can sense what somebody isn't saying. It's a very different

835
00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:25,279
Speaker 3: access point to a huge amount of vulnerability, connection and information.

836
00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:29,800
Speaker 2: All right, and our last question, what's something many people

837
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:30,759
Speaker 2: don't know about you?

838
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:36,600
Speaker 3: I lead moon rituals. There are three phases to the moon.

839
00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:40,399
Speaker 3: The new moon, which is a beautiful time to set intentions.

840
00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:46,400
Speaker 3: These are written down intentions, thank you, don the dark moon,

841
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,040
Speaker 3: which is a time of release of what may not

842
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:51,440
Speaker 3: be serving. And then the full moon, which is a

843
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,680
Speaker 3: time of gratitude when you're recognizing what chapters might be

844
00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:58,120
Speaker 3: coming to a close. And it's interesting because that's a

845
00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 3: very private part of my life. And I realized that

846
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 3: what I'm asking people to do today is exposing a

847
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:08,160
Speaker 3: lot of what is private for them, and so I

848
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 3: wanted to share that that is something that I hold

849
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:11,640
Speaker 3: near and dear to my heart.

850
00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:15,360
Speaker 2: Well, thank you for sharing that, and because of you,

851
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:18,279
Speaker 2: I did my own my first what is it new?

852
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:20,360
Speaker 2: I think was the New Moon ritual and that was

853
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:23,360
Speaker 2: pretty pretty amazing when you think about the universe and

854
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 2: how powerful that can be when you said intentions around that,

855
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:32,359
Speaker 2: So that might be something we dive into in another episode. Awesome, Well, Green,

856
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:34,919
Speaker 2: and we thank you so much for joining us here

857
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:39,240
Speaker 2: and sharing your insight and giving our listeners so many nuggets.

858
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 2: We already know that they probably are going to have

859
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:44,279
Speaker 2: their notepads out taking notes on everything you've shared, and

860
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,879
Speaker 2: so we love to know where can they find you online?

861
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:50,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, so my website is Forage, which is Courage with

862
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 3: an ft dot io or Gurian at forage dot io

863
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 3: gurian as g U R y A M. And I

864
00:46:59,120 --> 00:47:03,399
Speaker 3: just want to thank for having these conversations with all

865
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:06,360
Speaker 3: of you and going into topics that not many people

866
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:08,600
Speaker 3: talk about and creating the safe space to do it.

867
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:10,279
Speaker 3: So thank you both for what you do.

868
00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:16,760
Speaker 1: Thank you, thanks for joining us today. In her Space.

869
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 1: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

870
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,719
Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

871
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Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

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Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or

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Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

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Speaker 1: please visit the thera people at Girls Directory Psychology today

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Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider.

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Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

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Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

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Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast, or check out our website

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Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

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Speaker 2: after me, I will not judge myself for where I'm starting.

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Speaker 2: I'm making progress every day.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week, Lady