Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Democrats have a moral perch from which they can judge
Speaker 2: without shame, hypocrisy, or nuance.
Speaker 3: Breaking news, President Biden has issued a pardon for his
Speaker 3: son Hunter Biden.
Speaker 4: Mother, we were so close, but you know it, get fine,
Speaker 4: It's good, it's.
Speaker 5: Right, it's just right.
Speaker 2: An eighty two year old man doesn't want to spend
Speaker 2: the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.
Speaker 1: The publicans can't wait with the shit all the time.
Speaker 2: I'm sure the pardon is a narrowly written, precisely drawn
Speaker 2: farewell note of compassion for a loved one.
Speaker 6: The pardon sweeping covering offenses that Hunter Biden quote has
Speaker 6: committed or may have committed or taken over the past
Speaker 6: eleven years.
Speaker 2: Eleven years is a very specific and not rounded amount
Speaker 2: of time. So, Haunter, I'll give you a pardon a
Speaker 2: few years, five years, ten years.
Speaker 5: It needs to be eleven.
Speaker 2: And if you would be so kind, make sure this
Speaker 2: upcoming New Year's Eve is also covered.
Speaker 5: Shit's going to get Christy.
Speaker 2: I didn't know pardons could cover for crimes you may
Speaker 2: have committed.
Speaker 7: Um.
Speaker 2: I'm surprised Biden didn't include the phrase on Earth one
Speaker 2: or any.
Speaker 1: Of the Earth's in the multi verse.
Speaker 2: Now, some would say that's what any loving father would
Speaker 2: do for their troubled son or daughter, should they have
Speaker 2: the power. But on Fox News it was this love,
Speaker 2: in fact, that may have caused the problem in the
Speaker 2: first place.
Speaker 5: My dad always told me, Ainsley, if you get arrested,
Speaker 5: don't call me. I'm not your first phone call.
Speaker 1: I'm leaving you in there. Good night, sweetie. Your dad
Speaker 1: always told you that. Were you a degenerate or was
Speaker 1: your dad de niro.
Speaker 2: Nost Listen to me, No, you get pinched, I'm not
Speaker 2: your first phone call.
Speaker 1: I don't know you.
Speaker 2: It's ten grand and a gun on the floorboards. Good luck, kid,
Speaker 2: and by the way, not just Ainslie. The rest of
Speaker 2: the Fox cinematic universe was no happier.
Speaker 6: Probably the worst president in US history, but also the
Speaker 6: most corrupt.
Speaker 2: This entire administration has been nothing but as jam.
Speaker 8: He and his family are so full of slime that
Speaker 8: Nickelodeon is going to sue for trademark infringement.
Speaker 9: You Joe Biden, You Joe Biden, Megan Kelly, who do
Speaker 9: you think you are?
Speaker 10: Me?
Speaker 1: What am I supposed to say?
Speaker 5: Now? It was my line. You've sold my true.
Speaker 1: Line at long last. Have you no decens.
Speaker 2: Me? Of course, no one was more outraged than America's
Speaker 2: judicial compass, Donald Seneca Trump.
Speaker 11: President elect Trump laying in as well, he says, does
Speaker 11: the pardon given by Joe to Hunter include the January
Speaker 11: sixth hostages who have now been in prison for years?
Speaker 11: Such an abuse and miscarriage of justice?
Speaker 1: Oh? You and your son?
Speaker 2: What about the people who tried to help me overthrow
Speaker 2: the government? It's kind of a leap there. It's like going,
Speaker 2: you know, oh, you're gonna let the kids stay up
Speaker 2: to watch SNL, but you're not even gonna try to
Speaker 2: help me burn the neighbor's house down. So obviously Republicans
Speaker 2: are going to criticize. But Biden did make this line
Speaker 2: of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so
Speaker 2: long saying you wouldn't do it, because of how much
Speaker 2: he respects the system. I'm not gonna do anything, I said,
Speaker 2: I adde by the jury decision.
Speaker 6: I will do that, and I'm not.
Speaker 5: Part of them.
Speaker 12: Will you accept the jury's outcome, their verdict, no matter
Speaker 12: what it is.
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 13: And have you ruled out a pardon for your son?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 1: I watch this dive. But here's the thing.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you've ever found in some of
Speaker 2: this situation, If you ever find yourself in a situation
Speaker 2: where you are being questioned about pardoning your son, do
Speaker 2: not do it at the.
Speaker 1: Swim up bar of a club med.
Speaker 5: And also not for nothing with an old guy.
Speaker 2: I mean, Biden squints indoors, so you don't face the
Speaker 2: guy in the sun and try and get an honest
Speaker 2: He immediately looks untrustworthy.
Speaker 5: You're gonna give him a pardon. But you know what,
Speaker 5: ladies and.
Speaker 2: Gentlemen, hypocrisy isn't illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics.
Speaker 2: It's not like he's ever gonna run again, So why
Speaker 2: not take care of your kid even if you said
Speaker 2: you weren't gonna I respect it.
Speaker 1: I don't have a problem with it.
Speaker 2: The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden's
Speaker 2: pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of this defense
Speaker 2: of America, this grand experiment.
Speaker 6: One political party remains committed to the rule of law
Speaker 6: and the other doesn't.
Speaker 1: It's that simple, Hunter, Biden's not above the law.
Speaker 14: No one is above the law.
Speaker 15: Democrats stand for the rule of law.
Speaker 6: We accept the outcome, because that's how the rule of
Speaker 6: law works.
Speaker 16: Because the justice system that convicted is only surviving son
Speaker 16: is the same justice system he's vowed to protect. And
Speaker 16: if that doesn't tell you who Joe Biden is, I
Speaker 16: don't really know what does.
Speaker 1: I think I know what does?
Speaker 5: And now look at the dance Democrats have to do.
Speaker 17: Be honest, the only reason why they went after a
Speaker 17: hunter the way they did, and I've talked to many
Speaker 17: federal prosecutors about this, is because he's the president's son.
Speaker 12: People have to remember, the president had lost two children
Speaker 12: already and he does not need to lose another one
Speaker 12: to more political which hunts.
Speaker 8: The you know, crawling from Republicans.
Speaker 3: But we're talking about you know, Donald Trump is a convicted.
Speaker 9: Felon who literally.
Speaker 3: Pardoned his daughter's father in law and just made an
Speaker 3: ambassador to France.
Speaker 11: So for anyone that wants to clutch their pearls now
Speaker 11: because he decided that he was going to pardon his son,
Speaker 11: I would say, take a look in the mirror, ma'am.
Speaker 2: We will take a look in that mirror. But we
Speaker 2: are taking off, so you could just put this shit
Speaker 2: on airplane mode.
Speaker 1: And let us get home.
Speaker 5: For the holidays.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, yes to everything that you guys were saying.
Speaker 2: If you hadn't made Hunter Biden not receiving a pardon
Speaker 2: the Mason Dixon line of morality between Democrats.
Speaker 5: And Republicans, there's a big gap between.
Speaker 2: The law is the only thing that separates us from
Speaker 2: the animals, and.
Speaker 5: Monkey frough shitted me first.
Speaker 2: I had no choice is what Biden's decision is done.
Speaker 2: Look how confident and eloquent our Democratic representatives were back
Speaker 2: when they thought they had the moral high ground on
Speaker 2: this issue.
Speaker 18: I've not heard a single Democrat anywhere in the country
Speaker 18: cry fraud, cry fixed, cry rigged, cry kangaroo court. You
Speaker 18: don't hear a single peep out of any Democrat saying that.
Speaker 18: Why we believe in the rule of law.
Speaker 2: And now look at what even he one of the
Speaker 2: most verbally dexterous attorneys we have on Capitol Hill, has
Speaker 2: been reduced to do.
Speaker 6: You think President Biden should pardon Hunter Biden?
Speaker 19: So there are lots of claims of political prosecution and.
Speaker 5: It was Hunter politically well, I.
Speaker 19: Mean, obviously that's a judicial point, and then you've got to
Speaker 19: look at what the evidence is.
Speaker 1: And I don't know enough. Should I mean.
Speaker 19: Again, that is a unilateral executive power that.
Speaker 16: And should he use it?
Speaker 5: Well, you know the.
Speaker 19: Power exists for the president to show mercy for people.
Speaker 2: I mean, we have an executive and we have a
Speaker 2: judicial and then a legislative and.
Speaker 5: Then smoke bomb, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2: Wow, the first time I've crouched since Thanksgiving? And oh
Speaker 2: that did not go well.
Speaker 5: But then why this weekend?
Speaker 2: Normally you drop a controversial pardon like the way you
Speaker 2: buy porn at a gas station, in a flurry of
Speaker 2: other distracting purchases.
Speaker 1: And pardons. Will you give me the breath?
Speaker 2: Minstead to w D forty to squeegee there one of
Speaker 2: those anal magazines, some corn nuts, pardon for my son,
Speaker 2: the big Dicks Like Chicks pamphlet.
Speaker 5: So why did you do it? Now?
Speaker 6: As the NBC News first reported, the President did decide
Speaker 6: to reverse course O for the holiday weekend at his
Speaker 6: family's annual Thanksgiving getaway in Nantucket.
Speaker 5: Thanksgiving, I knew it.
Speaker 2: Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down
Speaker 2: in my new One Man show, Can you get Hunter
Speaker 2: to stop looking at me like that?
Speaker 1: I take you there now, I'll be playing the role
Speaker 1: of Hunter. How are you father? Are you well? Father?
Speaker 5: I'm a big down.
Speaker 2: You know, last Thanksgiving with the family for a while.
Speaker 2: If only someone could change that. This turkey is deligious
Speaker 2: obviously not one of the ones that was pardoned. I
Speaker 2: made you watch that because people think I.
Speaker 5: Can't act.
Speaker 1: Overseas.
Speaker 20: A dutch Man is facing legal action for allegedly bothering
Speaker 20: at least five hundred and fifty children.
Speaker 5: The forty one year old is a sperm donor. He's accused, though,
Speaker 5: of lying.
Speaker 20: About the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks,
Speaker 20: violating agreements limits are placed on donors to protect children's health.
Speaker 20: It's unclear what legal ramifications he could face.
Speaker 10: Holy shit, come on, he donated enough sperm for five
Speaker 10: hundred and fifty kids. Goddamn dude, say something for the shower, bro.
Speaker 10: What But in Thisgui's defense, when you're this cool, you
Speaker 10: have an obligation to procreate. I mean, who want to
Speaker 10: get knocked up by this sperm? But still, though, this
Speaker 10: is going to make for some awkward conversations. Mommy, what's
Speaker 10: my biological father like?
Speaker 1: Honey?
Speaker 10: All I know about him is he loved to jack off.
Speaker 1: Good night, honey.
Speaker 13: The accusations against our groper in chief as a governor
Speaker 13: of New York. This guy was made a hero when
Speaker 13: he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator in American
Speaker 13: politics today.
Speaker 14: In recent weeks, Donald Trump Junior, the oldest, least ERICI,
Speaker 14: son of Donald Trump, has been complaining that a politician
Speaker 14: has not been punished for his alleged sex crimes. It
Speaker 14: raises an uncomfortable question, does Don Junior know who his
Speaker 14: father is? Seriously, that's this week on Unsolved Mysteries MAGA edition.
Speaker 14: You might have that Donald Trump Junior definitely knows who
Speaker 14: his dad is. The man says the words my father
Speaker 14: more than the.
Speaker 13: Pope, my father, my father, my father, my father.
Speaker 14: And yet in recent years, a mysterious thing happened. Don
Speaker 14: Junior started talking like a man who had no damn
Speaker 14: idea that Donald Trump was his dad. Listen to this.
Speaker 13: I wish my name was Hunter Biden. I could go
Speaker 13: abroad make millions off of my father's presidency. I'd be
Speaker 13: a really rich guy. It would be incredible.
Speaker 14: He knows who his dad is, right, because this is
Speaker 14: like the Kool eight Man complaining about other people crashing
Speaker 14: through walls and leaving Kool eight man size holes.
Speaker 13: Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother, whether it's
Speaker 13: his sister. They've all spent their entire lives profiting of
Speaker 13: Joe Biden's taxpayer funded offices. Here Son, here's every job
Speaker 13: you've ever had.
Speaker 14: Does Don Junior think that he got that job at
Speaker 14: the Trump Organization because he wrote a good cover letter?
Speaker 14: Does Donald Trump Junior not know what the word junior?
Speaker 14: Just like he thought Saturday Night Live was abbreviated.
Speaker 5: S and L.
Speaker 14: What explains this mystifying lack of self awareness. Is it
Speaker 14: possible that the unthinkable is true that Don Junior doesn't
Speaker 14: know that Donald Trump is his father? Investigators have come
Speaker 14: through days of footage of Don Junior and Donald together,
Speaker 14: but have not found a single hug or even an
Speaker 14: affectionate look between the two. Because, really, if Don Junior
Speaker 14: does know that Donald Trump is his father, what could
Speaker 14: explain this.
Speaker 13: Joe Biden, as a presidential contender is likely the most
Speaker 13: corrupted and potentially corrupted person to ever run for office
Speaker 13: of the presidency. Joe Biden doesn't know where he is
Speaker 13: fifty percent of the time. But a guy can't conform
Speaker 13: a complete sentence It's.
Speaker 21: Almost like the whole Biden family is entirely dependent on
Speaker 21: Joe holding public office, and not only was it us.
Speaker 14: If you have any information as to why Donald Trump
Speaker 14: Junior doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump,
Speaker 14: please contact Unsolved Mysteries before he starts complaining that Joe
Speaker 14: Biden is a racist. Text Chiet who couldn't even run
Speaker 14: a casino? The moon was coming set off this doctor
Speaker 14: s morning. It's my old foots.
Speaker 22: This is a crazy story from California where a dad
Speaker 22: he drove his whole family off of cliff into Tesla.
Speaker 22: So fortunately they all survived it. When the paramedics arrived,
Speaker 22: the wife said that he did it on purpose. Now
Speaker 22: I've been there for thirty eight years, I can tell
Speaker 22: you I love my wife and children very much and
Speaker 22: I would never drive them off of cliff.
Speaker 1: But I thought about it.
Speaker 13: I thought about it.
Speaker 1: Anybody who's been.
Speaker 22: In the car with screaming ass kids and a cliff available,
Speaker 22: either you thought about it or you're lying.
Speaker 1: Look at him.
Speaker 5: I thought about it, but I was patient. Kid will
Speaker 5: drive you.
Speaker 22: You asked me about that bathroom one more damn time
Speaker 22: were going off the cliff.
Speaker 1: That's where.
Speaker 22: Even the jug would be like, well, the defendant, I
Speaker 22: mean hero, I mean defendant.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 22: What I don't understand is how a tesla is the
Speaker 22: vibe going off a cliff, but it can't make you
Speaker 22: down the street without blowing the fuck up.
Speaker 1: I don't understand that.
Speaker 8: And I Georgia's Republican nominee for US Senate, Herschel Walker
Speaker 8: is admitting that he has a ten year old son
Speaker 8: who he didn't raise. Court documents show that the boy's
Speaker 8: mother had to sue him for paternity and child support.
Speaker 21: Just a day after news broke that Walker had a
Speaker 21: secret ten year old son, the Daily Beast discovered that
Speaker 21: Walker actually has two more additional children he has never
Speaker 21: publicly acknowledged.
Speaker 17: Yeah, that's right, not one, but three secrets children. How
Speaker 17: do you even keep that many kids secret? I mean,
Speaker 17: at some point you got to confuse their names. It's like,
Speaker 17: I love you, Susan, I mean Claire, I mean Frank,
Speaker 17: I mean Susan.
Speaker 1: You are Susan, and I love you.
Speaker 17: And look, here's the thing.
Speaker 5: I understand this.
Speaker 17: It doesn't matter to me how many kids you have
Speaker 17: or with how many people. I think in America, there's
Speaker 17: too much moralizing around some of these issues.
Speaker 1: But it does matter.
Speaker 17: If you spend all your time vilifying other men for
Speaker 17: doing the same thing that you do, you've vilified them.
Speaker 17: You're calling them out, Oh, it's because they're black men,
Speaker 17: and you know it, it's not.
Speaker 5: It's bullshit, you know.
Speaker 17: And this always happens to It always happens when a
Speaker 17: politician comes down weirdly hard on a specific group of people.
Speaker 17: That's when you should be suspicious they come down on
Speaker 17: one thing. So there's a politician that's like, we have
Speaker 17: to stop these perverts that love to lick the back
Speaker 17: of people's knees at the public poll. You're like, I
Speaker 17: think this dude licks the back of people's knees. So
Speaker 17: Walker loves conspiracies, He lies about his achievements, and I guess,
Speaker 17: just like Trump, he pretends he doesn't have some of
Speaker 17: his kids. And right now, if you're thinking there's no
Speaker 17: way herschel Walker could be more hypocritical than this, well
Speaker 17: I hope you didn't place a bet.
Speaker 12: There is a new twist in the pivotal Senate race
Speaker 12: in Georgia. The website The Daily Beast is reporting Republican
Speaker 12: candidate herschel Walker paid for a woman he was dating
Speaker 12: to get an abortion in two thousand and nine.
Speaker 3: Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker says he is pro
Speaker 3: life and supports a nationwide abortion band with no exceptions,
Speaker 3: but new reporting from The Daily Beast claims he encouraged
Speaker 3: a woman he was dating in two thousand and nine
Speaker 3: to get an abortion and to help pay for it.
Speaker 3: The woman, whose identity was not published, provided the Daily
Speaker 3: Beast with a receipt for the procedure, a get well card,
Speaker 3: and an image of a seven hundred dollars check allegedly
Speaker 3: signed by Walker.
Speaker 17: Wow an anti abortion Republican court paying for his girlfriend's abortion.
Speaker 17: That is a bombshell, especially because he left behind so
Speaker 17: much proof. I mean, this woman says that she has
Speaker 17: a receipt, a check, and a get well card that
Speaker 17: he signed. The only way there could be more of
Speaker 17: a paper trailler is if he bought a souvenir T
Speaker 17: shirt from the abortion Killing's gift shop and now, believe
Speaker 17: it or not, Believe it or not, this is just
Speaker 17: the tip of the iceberg when it comes to herschel Walker, right,
Speaker 17: he has multiple allegations of domestic abuse against him, including
Speaker 17: from his ex wife. His own son, who is a
Speaker 17: prominent conservative, has said most of the stories are true,
Speaker 17: and herschel Walker himself said that sometimes he couldn't control
Speaker 17: his own brain. But despite all of this, he still
Speaker 17: has the full support of the Republican Party, including a
Speaker 17: top aide to Mitch McConnell, who just today said it's
Speaker 17: full speed ahead in Georgia. Yeah, because clearly mcconnel's like, Lock,
Speaker 17: there's not my bravery daughtery, what of our care ma?
Speaker 2: You know a lot of times in this produm, we're
Speaker 2: always talking about the problems in our society, but our
Speaker 2: society has much to celebrate.
Speaker 13: Everybody's talking about dead fox.
Speaker 23: Guy who look like they go to the gym, but
Speaker 23: they also maybe enjoying a little pizza, little beer.
Speaker 5: Elizabeth and I find it really attractive.
Speaker 11: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Siegel, and Seth Rogan have all been
Speaker 11: called dad box.
Speaker 2: Undefined abs and maybe even a little bit of flabb
Speaker 2: are actually.
Speaker 24: In women admitting that normal looking guys are the sexy ones.
Speaker 25: Yeah, It's like Christmas came early this year for dudes,
Speaker 25: because everywhere, look, there's jolly Faton for more in the
Speaker 25: new look That's Driving Women Crazy.
Speaker 2: We're joined by senior women's issues correspondent Kristin Shawl.
Speaker 26: Kristin, Hello, well, thanks John, and what a great day
Speaker 26: for men. It's time society Finally, he's tupted that a
Speaker 26: man's body changes when.
Speaker 5: He has kids. He's spent nine.
Speaker 26: Months eating too much because his pregnant wife is stressing
Speaker 26: him out, and then there's a screamy baby at home.
Speaker 26: He's got to get out for pizza and beer as
Speaker 26: much as he can. It's just biology, John, You.
Speaker 5: Know, but at those guys we just heard about, they're
Speaker 5: not even dad.
Speaker 26: You don't have to be a dad dad, a dad bob.
Speaker 26: You just have to be really lazy. And women are
Speaker 26: lining up at the dad Bobe buffet, which is great
Speaker 26: news because now you don't have to worry about magazines
Speaker 26: like this shoving an impossible body image down your throat,
Speaker 26: like this chiseled triangle thing, you know I'm talking about,
Speaker 26: like the borderline between where the chest ends, you know,
Speaker 26: and then the fun begins.
Speaker 24: You know what.
Speaker 26: Let's just forget about these names because it is gone.
Speaker 9: That's turn job here.
Speaker 1: You try wrick this guy up Okay, there we go.
Speaker 5: Absolutely, here we go.
Speaker 26: Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, get rid of it. Good jock, John, put.
Speaker 1: All your.
Speaker 26: Well, you know who really loves this dad botchin Guys
Speaker 26: like you who get most of their exercise by turning
Speaker 26: from camera one to camera three.
Speaker 2: As a forty something year old dad, I find this
Speaker 2: notion profoundly reassuring.
Speaker 5: It show what's your dad bod? I wish I could.
Speaker 22: I'm going to get a beer pizza after the show.
Speaker 15: I think women think.
Speaker 3: You're certain nuts if you've got this six if you
Speaker 3: go in like a dad bod sandwich.
Speaker 26: Right here, they're all having a really good belly laugh. Well,
Speaker 26: the guys are if that woman added belly at all,
Speaker 26: they would not let her on that show.
Speaker 5: Well, I don't know, of course. I mean maybe there's
Speaker 5: a good thing.
Speaker 1: Maybe dad bod.
Speaker 2: Dad bod is just the beginning, and it opens the
Speaker 2: door to celebrating the mom bob.
Speaker 26: Oh, sweet sweet John. We're already obsessed with mom bods,
Speaker 26: or at least how fast moms can get rid of them.
Speaker 11: There's a new breed of mom on the playground, dubbed moms.
Speaker 11: They're a hybrid of mommy's and bombshells.
Speaker 9: That's eleven months after giving birth.
Speaker 1: Looks amazing.
Speaker 24: She had a baby seven months ago.
Speaker 5: She has a five month old three months.
Speaker 11: After having a baby, looking impossibly spelt perfect.
Speaker 3: Amazing, incredible, just weeks after giving birthday That figure too,
Speaker 3: she's jisted a baby.
Speaker 26: They're not real people, they're celebrities. Beyonce Scylett Johansson, j
Speaker 26: Lo Michelle Dugar.
Speaker 2: Michelle Tuger from the reality show with the Nineteen Kids.
Speaker 26: Yeah, that's how hot she is. Her husband is never
Speaker 26: not seeing her. Why do you think she has to
Speaker 26: hide her body under that sister wife dress to stop
Speaker 26: tempting the rest of us.
Speaker 2: Why is there so much pressure though on women to
Speaker 2: be skinny? You know, it hasn't always been that way.
Speaker 2: Look at the Rubenesque women in those older paintings by.
Speaker 26: Right Picasso talk about impossible body standards. I spent years
Speaker 26: trying to get my nose on the side of my face.
Speaker 17: And lit it.
Speaker 26: John. Women will never be able to relax about their
Speaker 26: bodies the way the men can.
Speaker 27: Well, it's it's it's too bad, because it feels great
Speaker 27: to be able to, you know, to not think about it.
Speaker 5: The old feel good in the old dad.
Speaker 26: Bottom line, well you earned it, daddy. O all that
Speaker 26: not working out, focusing on other things besides your body.
Speaker 26: You want to just stand up and give the audience
Speaker 26: a little treat, show them what a mostly adequate physic
Speaker 26: looks like.
Speaker 1: I wanted to be a book to.
Speaker 24: Take care of for fifty years.
Speaker 26: I don't have to ask a friends go with that shake,
Speaker 26: because they obviously did show off how your looks are
Speaker 26: not what society values most in you.
Speaker 18: Good.
Speaker 25: Wait, hold on, I'm trying to feel it is. Oh yeah,
Speaker 25: I'm strying to feel it Oh yeah, I'm starting to
Speaker 25: feel it now. Uh huh oh yeah.
Speaker 5: Here comes to tark.
Speaker 1: I'm a tart.
Speaker 26: I'm gonna I'm gonna.
Speaker 2: Kristin shall everybody, We'll be right by.
Speaker 17: Have you ever watched your team losing and wish that
Speaker 17: you could jump in to help, Well, that's exactly what
Speaker 17: this North Carolina dad did.
Speaker 24: A North Carolina man was arrested after getting too involved
Speaker 24: in his son's high school wrestling match. At one point,
Speaker 24: the wrestler in the gray uniform picks up the wrestler
Speaker 24: in the black uniform slams under the ground. The referee
Speaker 24: rule of the move was illegal and blew the whistle.
Speaker 24: But moments later a man runs out knocks them wrestler
Speaker 24: to the ground.
Speaker 5: It was the other boy's dad.
Speaker 24: The man was arrested, charged with assault and disorderly conduct.
Speaker 15: God damn, what was that father thinking. You can't just
Speaker 15: running from the sidelines and beat up a teenager. Your
Speaker 15: son has to tag you in first, come on rules
Speaker 15: of wrestling. And if you think that's bad, you should
Speaker 15: have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital.
Speaker 5: That shit is insane.
Speaker 15: And look, I get the dad's.
Speaker 17: Anger, but you realize this thing could have gotten out
Speaker 17: of hand, right, because no one thinks about this. But
Speaker 17: what if the other wrestler's dad saw it happen and
Speaker 17: then he jumped in, right, And then what if the
Speaker 17: first dad's dad jumped in to help him, Then the other.
Speaker 15: Guy's grandfather jumped in.
Speaker 17: Then a coffin just lands on all of them. Gotta
Speaker 17: think of these things. But this is why I never
Speaker 17: bring my mom to the Emmys. Parents are really competitive. Yeah,
Speaker 17: if I broke my mom to the Emmys and then
Speaker 17: she sees me lose to John Oliver, she'll rush the
Speaker 17: podium and tackle him to the ground. There, poor John
Speaker 17: will be on the ground screaming like, holy shit, I've
Speaker 17: just been tackled by a woman from South Africa. And
Speaker 17: by the way, that's now South Africa, that's South Africa.
Speaker 23: I know your son is getting too tooth losing a
Speaker 23: Is he getting that sweet six bucks from the tooth fair?
Speaker 5: Hell?
Speaker 14: No, I did the responsible thing with my boy and
Speaker 14: I told him that the two fairy is dead.
Speaker 1: The tenth fairy is that she's that she dad, She.
Speaker 14: Gon she she tripped over my son's toys. If he
Speaker 14: laying laying over the house, she stepped on the toy,
Speaker 14: broke her neck and choked on the choked her death
Speaker 14: on her own tongue.
Speaker 5: Why would you say that to your own kid.
Speaker 14: Well, he's gotta put his damn toys up now, I
Speaker 14: bet you will.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 14: Look is it like like I'm tired of him not
Speaker 14: cleaning up and I'm tired of buying into this system. Man,
Speaker 14: listen to us. We're paying our kids just for losing teeth.
Speaker 14: And what are they learning from that? What are they learning?
Speaker 14: All your kids learning is that they can sell their
Speaker 14: body parts for money. No wonder, no wonder. I spent
Speaker 14: my whole twenty selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperms, selling
Speaker 14: ball marrow, dropped off a kidney. All the two fairy
Speaker 14: did was teach me how to treat my body like
Speaker 14: a garage set.
Speaker 1: But losing a tooth is a big moment. He should
Speaker 1: get something.
Speaker 14: He is getting something. He's getting the new tooths. Don't
Speaker 14: surprise you get to keep chewing.
Speaker 5: And let's just be real.
Speaker 14: I said, where does it end lose a tooth? Six dollars?
Speaker 14: Oh you got your first ZiT. Here's ten dollars. Oh,
Speaker 14: your body keep changing. I'm gonna have to keep tipping
Speaker 14: this little brother for growing hair on his back. No,
Speaker 14: he gets one present a year his birthday, that's it.
Speaker 1: Okay, what about my presidents?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 1: Wait, what Christmas?
Speaker 14: Let's send her dad too. I told my son that
Speaker 14: Santa Claus died from too much screen time on.
Speaker 23: The Ipadways, listen, man, for your son's sake, man, just here,
Speaker 23: just give this a Henry tails from Uncle Hassin.
Speaker 5: Okay, Wow, he.
Speaker 1: Lost two teeth.
Speaker 2: A thirteen year old Honduran little Edwin Daniels Sebion traveled
Speaker 2: thirty two hundred miles by bus, foot and bike to
Speaker 2: New York City to find the father he has never known.
Speaker 2: Brave Edwins set out on his own, arriving in Manhattan
Speaker 2: carrying only twenty four dollars, a tattered paper bag with
Speaker 2: a change of clothes, and three wet cookies. I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: I have something in my eye.
Speaker 27: During the journey, the boy passed through Houston, Corpus Christi,
Speaker 27: New Orleans, and lots of small towns where he would
Speaker 27: stay long enough to sleep, eat, meet the locals, then
Speaker 27: high tail it after turning into the hulk. New York
Speaker 27: City police are now taking care of Edwin, feeding a McDonald's,
Speaker 27: an ice cream cake from Carvel, and on that diet,
Speaker 27: he will be qualified to join the force in about
Speaker 27: five years.
Speaker 5: Just kidding.
Speaker 27: Falls Sadly, Edwin's father hasn't turned up for fear of deportation,
Speaker 27: so his official guardian is New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani,
Speaker 27: who has promised to give the young man work as
Speaker 27: a senate race ethnic pawn.
Speaker 1: And that was other news.
Speaker 7: I came to the convention with a dream to interview
Speaker 7: Tim Walls, also known as America's Dad.
Speaker 1: This is America's dad.
Speaker 5: Quote, Big Dad energy, Big Dad Energy.
Speaker 7: Unfortunately, America's Dad seemed to be a very difficult interview
Speaker 7: to get Governor Waltz.
Speaker 4: Governor Waltz.
Speaker 3: Governor Waltz.
Speaker 8: Governor Waltz is doing his best job ignoring me right now.
Speaker 7: If I was going to catch Tim Walls, I needed
Speaker 7: to lure him in with a track that a dad
Speaker 7: could not resist. Can anyone help me with this pie
Speaker 7: for my date?
Speaker 1: Shoot?
Speaker 5: Shoot?
Speaker 1: Shoot?
Speaker 7: Did anyone know how to use a studfinder? Does anyone
Speaker 7: know how to fill out a baseball score sheet by hand?
Speaker 7: Does anyone want this copy of Rudy on Blu Ray?
Speaker 7: Come on, I know you want it? And now we wait?
Speaker 7: Are you most excited to hear talk today?
Speaker 5: I'm really seeing Roccoba. You're cute. Do you happen to
Speaker 5: have a convertible?
Speaker 7: You could recklessly drive me around?
Speaker 3: And both no one's within earshot?
Speaker 11: Who might want to put their foot down and stop
Speaker 11: to still advise?
Speaker 7: Romance?
Speaker 8: Got hop ups leading up to a ben gate and
Speaker 8: a beer, perfect trap for Tim Walls.
Speaker 26: I'm gonna sum up a cigarette unless someone stops me.
Speaker 7: Hope no one catches me, makes me pook the whole pact,
Speaker 7: learn lesson WHOA I'm going absolutely crazy now?
Speaker 5: Oh, Jude, Oh my god, I.
Speaker 26: Just got a ticket to a Roy Orbison cover band.
Speaker 7: Does anyone want it?
Speaker 16: Anyone know if there is an LL be nearby.
Speaker 22: I don't know if we'll get to the voting booth
Speaker 22: this year.
Speaker 16: I don't know how to drive stick.
Speaker 7: Is there anyone here?
Speaker 1: Any teacher?
Speaker 5: Teach?
Speaker 7: Downtrodden and deflated? I had one last idea.
Speaker 13: Anyone around here know if this fire extinguisher is up
Speaker 13: to come?
Speaker 5: I see the twenty twenty four or on here? I
Speaker 5: see February punched out?
Speaker 7: Are you Tim Walls all right there?
Speaker 5: Man?
Speaker 20: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 20: searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 5: You get your podcasts.
Speaker 18: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
Speaker 18: on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5: Yew