Speaker 1: Are you leaving on?
Speaker 2: You wanna way back home? Either way, we want to
Speaker 2: be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.
Speaker 1: Give us time and a turmano and gay. We want
Speaker 1: to send you off inside. You wanna welcome you back home?
Speaker 1: Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 1: Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need.
Speaker 4: With Karen and Chris? Mhm, welcome to Do you need
Speaker 4: a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks j cole Gara. We
Speaker 4: are near L A X.
Speaker 1: God, it's gorgeous, just kind.
Speaker 2: Of hovering around it like.
Speaker 4: A nervous school girl, like an or someone uh, you know,
Speaker 4: could be intimidated by our behavior, like a nervous school
Speaker 4: girl or a possible terrorist.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we are hovering around l A X.
Speaker 1: We might, we might have bad intentions, mal intent.
Speaker 2: But not this time. No way, you're picking up the
Speaker 2: delightful Johnson. Yeah, maybe go around.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 2: Jac has just landed.
Speaker 1: He is a major celebrity in the comedy world.
Speaker 2: Be sure it's to me.
Speaker 4: I I've looked up to him as a comedian since
Speaker 4: before I even started doing this stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's I remember seeing him on Letterman long ago
Speaker 1: where he did his joke about it it's not guns
Speaker 1: that kill people, it's bullets because you right, do you
Speaker 1: remember that joke. There's something like that where then it
Speaker 1: does a whole thing about pushing a bullet into someone's head.
Speaker 2: Oh right, that's funny.
Speaker 1: Or maybe it was the opposite that people were saying,
Speaker 1: it's not guns don't kill people. People kill people, but
Speaker 1: you really do need the gun to get the bullet in, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: something along the side.
Speaker 2: It is the it's like a nail building a house,
Speaker 2: right without a hammer. No, it's very much like that.
Speaker 4: I think that almost deserved like a rejoicing sound of
Speaker 4: recognition for me just.
Speaker 1: Coming up with for how accurate that was of you?
Speaker 2: Pretty accurate?
Speaker 1: Yeah, to do Yeah, I don't what kind of rejoicing
Speaker 1: sound would you like to hear? Exactly like saying, oh,
Speaker 1: oh okay, exactly, let's do it again. Let's let's start over.
Speaker 4: Oh bullet, Yeah, bullets kill people without a gun. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and a nail can build a house.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, exactly, thank you?
Speaker 1: Well, was that loud and horrible enough.
Speaker 4: It was a little shrieky. That's me from the beginning.
Speaker 4: When I started doing comedy. People always like to compare
Speaker 4: you to That's always fun, a fun game.
Speaker 2: Oh you're like a young new heart.
Speaker 4: I'm like, I didn't even know he did stand up
Speaker 4: and I learned he did and I learned. But people
Speaker 4: compare it just because of people have said I'd talk
Speaker 4: like Ellen a little bit m hm, just because of
Speaker 4: the stammering or whatever. But I also someone said Jake
Speaker 4: Johnson months and so I found and this was pre internet.
Speaker 4: I don't know if I must have ordered a VHS
Speaker 4: tape or something, but I.
Speaker 2: Was like, oh, I get it that. I like the
Speaker 2: way that guy thinks.
Speaker 4: And I think I met him for the first time
Speaker 4: last year and I may have said something stupid like
Speaker 4: we have similar brains.
Speaker 3: I don't even know.
Speaker 4: No, he had seen me just we just did a
Speaker 4: show together and he liked what I did.
Speaker 2: And I think while I was on stage.
Speaker 1: Oh good, he knew you were a comedian.
Speaker 4: And then I had just done well. And I also
Speaker 4: because I just watched him.
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 4: I do this sometimes where I kind of will do
Speaker 4: an impression of someone. Yeah, and like when Kramer was
Speaker 4: in our on our podcast, I was dug and like
Speaker 4: this little time, Yeah, I can't not do it. That's
Speaker 4: the third episode we've mentioned.
Speaker 1: You know what. The subtitle of this show is the
Speaker 1: Howard Kramer Love Cast. We love him.
Speaker 2: It's too bad, too bad, too bad. I'll never know
Speaker 2: unless he listens, he'll never know.
Speaker 4: But yeah, I like the way Jake's brain thinks, and
Speaker 4: we're going to have his brain and his body in
Speaker 4: the car shortly.
Speaker 1: What I am excited about. And when I say excited,
Speaker 1: I kind of mean like nervous and fear based because
Speaker 1: as everyone knows, we talk about it all the time,
Speaker 1: this car is it's moderately filthy, just in the way
Speaker 1: that you can't get dog hair off of your what
Speaker 1: seemed to be fleece seats in this stupid hand of face.
Speaker 4: I think the inventor of Velcrow had the same breed
Speaker 4: of dogs as you, and he had it's eureka moment
Speaker 4: one day, cleaning off the seats and it's buggy.
Speaker 2: I don't know if this was buggy days when the
Speaker 2: guy invented, but it's a series.
Speaker 4: You know, velbro on a not quite microscopic level, there
Speaker 4: are little hooks, a series of hooks and loops.
Speaker 1: And yeah, this is what's happening. Yeah, there's a hook
Speaker 1: and loop dog hair scenario happening this car.
Speaker 4: I guess they have split ends. That's the only way
Speaker 4: to explain the barbed.
Speaker 2: Hook at the end of Now.
Speaker 1: I did read once that Martha Stewart brushes her dogs
Speaker 1: twice a day, and I don't think I've ever brushed
Speaker 1: either of my dogs. So maybe that's where the filth
Speaker 1: is coming in.
Speaker 4: Brushes her dogs in between cookie make how no one
Speaker 4: ever told Martha Stewart to get a goddamn job.
Speaker 1: You know, just because she was rich. She didn't have to.
Speaker 1: She's one of those people.
Speaker 4: She's got that dead look in the eye. Oh yeah,
Speaker 4: that you know, like you were saying that guy that
Speaker 4: like we're we're talking smack about.
Speaker 2: A few people. We're not gonna imagine it. Now, you'll
Speaker 2: have to get the bonus episode.
Speaker 1: Was like, oh yeah, blah blah blah.
Speaker 4: I know, no, no, we can't do that, but she
Speaker 4: we should do that. She has that look in her
Speaker 4: eye where I'm like, I don't trust her, you know what.
Speaker 1: She she looks like the painting that her eyes or
Speaker 1: her eyes, and then you slide her eyes out and
Speaker 1: your eyes go in so you can spy.
Speaker 2: On people like the Scooby Doo pinion.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's totally Martha Stewart's face. Someone should do an
Speaker 1: oil painting of Martha Stewart looking at us like the eyes. Hey, remember, no,
Speaker 1: we do. I never do this in a consecutive way.
Speaker 1: That would be like good, like hooking back to another episode.
Speaker 1: I never do it recent enough. But on the Drend
Speaker 1: and Davis episode, you regaled me much to my absolute
Speaker 1: joy with your all of your Scooby Doo voices.
Speaker 2: Oh, the entire cast.
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I'm still working on Fred, but my Daphney
Speaker 4: is on point.
Speaker 1: Uhpy.
Speaker 2: Also, but.
Speaker 1: I found the picture. Did you remember seeing it? I
Speaker 1: posted on Twitter where when I we were talking about
Speaker 1: you being Nightcrawler or any villain from Scooby Doo, and
Speaker 1: I found the pictures where they look exactly alike.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was really impressed by myself.
Speaker 2: Yes, you made the thing. Yeah, oh, I forget. I
Speaker 2: appreciate that.
Speaker 1: This is basically me taking a moment to say, hey,
Speaker 1: remember that time when I did that thing?
Speaker 2: I and it's me.
Speaker 4: Oh, Henry's calling and I don't have time to talk
Speaker 4: to him.
Speaker 1: Let's just see what he wants. Henry Phillips, everybody wants
Speaker 1: a guest of this show.
Speaker 4: Yeah, once a co host turned guest in one episode.
Speaker 1: Uh am, I I want to turn left? But am
Speaker 1: I allowed to? I think? I am?
Speaker 2: Yes, I am, yes, you are allowed.
Speaker 1: Great. This is a this part of LA which would
Speaker 1: be considered what.
Speaker 2: I don't know. It's the single one.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Could it be fox Hills?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yes, we are near the Fox Hills Mall.
Speaker 1: Lots of foxes running around in the traffic.
Speaker 4: Oh, it's almost like it's a hazard while you're driving.
Speaker 2: They have foxes.
Speaker 4: Sometimes they're just blowing around like dandelion sports. Just foxes everywhere.
Speaker 2: Oh, we're not allergic.
Speaker 4: I have Yeah, I have a fox hellery. I was
Speaker 4: gonna say yeah when they're blowing around. Not and I'm
Speaker 4: not talking about their dander. These are little fox that are.
Speaker 1: Airborne, tiny airborne fox.
Speaker 2: Tiny air and you breathe them in.
Speaker 4: I'll be damned if it doesn't get me stuffed up. Okay, yes,
Speaker 4: still have a herd from Jake, but I know he's
Speaker 4: in the airport.
Speaker 2: He'd be old.
Speaker 4: He will be walking towards the outdoors, and I think
Speaker 4: this is gonna be one of those episodes where we
Speaker 4: time it perfectly and he will jump in seamlessly to
Speaker 4: our arrival, and we're gonna rejoice, and you're gonna squeal
Speaker 4: to let us know you're rejoicing.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, now that I know what rejoicing's supposed to
Speaker 1: sound like, because exactly before this, when I was rejoicing,
Speaker 1: I would go And that's how you knew I would
Speaker 1: make sound.
Speaker 4: You've been giving the wrong impression at all parties for years.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yes, it's absolutely true.
Speaker 2: Happy birthday, friend. No, I'm happy.
Speaker 1: No, I'm I really, I'm I. Some might say overjoyed
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 2: Wow, it doesn't you don't doesn't.
Speaker 1: Feel like that in any way. It feels like you're
Speaker 1: mad at me. Well I'm not.
Speaker 2: No one ever showed you how to celebrate.
Speaker 1: So sad, it's a It is sad. Actually it is sad.
Speaker 1: Now there's a there's a sign in front of that
Speaker 1: gas station over there that says, enjoy a cup of fresh,
Speaker 1: hot coffee. And what's fascinating about that is we both
Speaker 1: are right now.
Speaker 4: I'm currently holding one, as is Karen and it is hot.
Speaker 4: The only thing that that sign isn't letting everyone know
Speaker 4: I'm not really enjoying it.
Speaker 1: You're not. No, it's not good.
Speaker 2: This came out of a robot.
Speaker 1: Box at the airport Sheridan where we stopped thinking they
Speaker 1: had a Starbucks, and then once we valeid the car
Speaker 1: and got inside, Yeah, not not a star.
Speaker 2: It used to be a Starbucks.
Speaker 4: Oh really, Oh well, Mount you get a current employee
Speaker 4: of this not Starbucks to go take down that fucking sign.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing.
Speaker 2: That's what I said. I said, fucking sign. Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: really upset.
Speaker 1: Hey had his fist on his hip and I said,
Speaker 1: right behind him, sassy way though, yeah, like a bossy
Speaker 1: kind of momish way. You also had a Yeah he was.
Speaker 1: He was definitely working it and he was sissing that walk.
Speaker 1: Then I come up behind him. I come up and
Speaker 1: behind him, and I says, hey, I don't want some
Speaker 1: goddamn coffee from Malaysia, motherfucker.
Speaker 2: Yeah that's right.
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have yelled that so loud. There are several.
Speaker 4: Families you and I, both within the same minute, are
Speaker 4: regretting our.
Speaker 2: F bomb drops.
Speaker 1: We went nuts at the airport, shared God why.
Speaker 2: I don't know why. No, I mean just now we
Speaker 2: both said the F word.
Speaker 1: Oh, I've been very good about it.
Speaker 4: You have been, and then and then I just once
Speaker 4: I say it, that opens up the F word.
Speaker 2: Karen kil Garrett Floodgates.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it just all of a sudden, it
Speaker 1: sounds so natural to me. It sounds so good.
Speaker 2: Oops here Oh yeah, Airport Boulevard seems the most appropriate.
Speaker 1: It just it just fits. It makes sense. Yeah, I've
Speaker 1: been very good about the swearing lately. I've noticed I've
Speaker 1: also started wearing dresses and pinning my hair back.
Speaker 2: Did you finally throw away your garbage?
Speaker 3: Baiale? Kids?
Speaker 2: That said swearing Karen? Because that go ahead and look
Speaker 2: it up everyone. Is that real swearing? Karen?
Speaker 1: Does? She have a little piece of dried lettuce on
Speaker 1: her face, That's.
Speaker 2: Why she's swearing. She's like, goddamn salads so hard to
Speaker 2: even salad.
Speaker 1: I hate it.
Speaker 2: Are you going to bump this van to prove a point?
Speaker 3: Push it forward?
Speaker 2: It seems like you're going to bump.
Speaker 1: This I want to roll it up. I want to
Speaker 1: roll it forward.
Speaker 2: Here and it's lurching towards this bumper and we you are.
Speaker 2: You cannot go any closer or I will get.
Speaker 1: Nervous, or you'll scream.
Speaker 2: What if there's an old lady and they need run in.
Speaker 1: And that's on him being. You can't just back up
Speaker 1: into me. You can't bring that this way because I'm
Speaker 1: not the one. One time I was in a check cashing.
Speaker 2: Place and sound like you were auditioning for do the
Speaker 2: right thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah right, okay, because I was in a check catching
Speaker 1: place and this homelesslady came in and started saying the
Speaker 1: N word, oh oh, and everybody got super nervous. All
Speaker 1: everybody of every color of the rainbow in that check
Speaker 1: cause real.
Speaker 2: Uncomfortable, craggly haired white lady.
Speaker 1: That's exactly right. I'm Hollywood Boulvard.
Speaker 2: I hate it when it rolls off those homeless tongues.
Speaker 1: But everybody just pretended she wasn't there until she tried
Speaker 1: to get in. This probably six foot seven black man
Speaker 1: who was standing behind me wearing a beautiful suit. He
Speaker 1: looked like a banker, and she tried. She came up
Speaker 1: and she started saying something to him, and he turned
Speaker 1: and goes, you best not be talking to me because
Speaker 1: I am not the one, And then she just left,
Speaker 1: She left the building, and it was one of the
Speaker 1: coolest things I've ever seen. I am not the one
Speaker 1: because I'm not the one.
Speaker 2: That's great. It was am, I'm not the person you're
Speaker 2: looking this.
Speaker 1: This is not He was saying, you'll get your seed,
Speaker 1: will get no purchase here, ma'am your racial seed.
Speaker 2: I wish that he had said that. Can I change
Speaker 2: the story?
Speaker 1: You could?
Speaker 2: Your seed will grow.
Speaker 1: No crops, you will not reap. Also, why are you
Speaker 1: because it's a racism active in alive today. It's a
Speaker 1: white Mercedes with a person who is not a man
Speaker 1: and not do you think they were being race?
Speaker 2: That starts us because we're white and it doesn't make sense. See,
Speaker 2: I can I can sing.
Speaker 1: You absolutely can't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, thank you.
Speaker 4: Sometimes classically trained, self taught, but in a classic way.
Speaker 4: I made myself sing while wearing a powdered when.
Speaker 1: Oh as a child, Oh, I see the Mozart style classic?
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, I was singing piano. It was not
Speaker 2: like one. See it's all tongue. I use a lot
Speaker 2: of tongue.
Speaker 1: And then your mom dips her head. Incase, Chris, you
Speaker 1: left your the silk pants on the ground.
Speaker 2: Again, You're so classically self taught.
Speaker 1: Chris, get your handkerchief out of here.
Speaker 2: I wish you'd classically clean your.
Speaker 1: Room self teach your way to make some dinner every
Speaker 1: once in a while.
Speaker 4: Yes, this is actually starting to hit too close to
Speaker 4: the home.
Speaker 2: And then I'm starting to feel sad.
Speaker 1: I had a boyfriend who's cooked dinner. My mom almost
Speaker 1: never cooked dinner. She was like, girls, Chinese food.
Speaker 4: I would my sister and I would go in the
Speaker 4: kitchen and there would be food or something she baked,
Speaker 4: and we're like, oh right, the tables have turned and
Speaker 4: we started digging in.
Speaker 2: She's like, that's for the office. It's for an office party.
Speaker 2: It's like, what what were your family makes? We have
Speaker 2: never seen such a castle roll. Yeah, I followed a
Speaker 2: recipe and it's for the office.
Speaker 1: My mom literally could make two things and so she'd
Speaker 1: switch off. It would be baked chicken with minute rice
Speaker 1: and some frozen corn, or it would be she called
Speaker 1: it three soup chicken, where it was like chicken with
Speaker 1: three creamed campbell soups on top and some almonds. Throw
Speaker 1: it in the oven. She called it a door slam.
Speaker 1: Very minimal effort put into raising us uh, I'll just
Speaker 1: say it now.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I guess I come from a long line of
Speaker 4: mothers who didn't really weren't passionate about cooking.
Speaker 2: Which is fine.
Speaker 4: I mean, no, there is nothing more offensive than saying, hey,
Speaker 4: the lady should be cooking. But I think that when
Speaker 4: you have kids, you should provide.
Speaker 2: The base A meal a day, the base.
Speaker 4: And that's not me being sexist. I think dad could
Speaker 4: do it too. He's busy selling dictionaries door to door.
Speaker 3: Is that.
Speaker 1: No, Everybody's like, I already have a dictionary. I have
Speaker 1: one of those.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Both my parents worked and then they'd come home late,
Speaker 4: and who the hell would want to I don't even
Speaker 4: cook myself meals. Well, I can't imagine having kids.
Speaker 1: I can't imagine. I definitely can't imagine having kids, but
Speaker 1: I certainly can't imagine cooking meals.
Speaker 4: Ever, it's my we are stopping. This might be the
Speaker 4: first time they tell us we can't record. I'm gonna
Speaker 4: act like I'm.
Speaker 1: Not good idea, Yeah, just put that down.
Speaker 2: They never What he doesn't see is I just put
Speaker 2: my microphone back to my face. I had it down.
Speaker 1: A helicopter lands in front of us. Oh my god, Oh.
Speaker 2: My sorry, please fly away now, Okay, I can do that. Yes,
Speaker 2: Michael Winslow is here's why he's underrated. Okay, can he
Speaker 2: do a better helicopter than that?
Speaker 1: That was pretty good.
Speaker 4: Oh that's the only reason. He just does a better
Speaker 4: helicopter than that. That's good helicopter.
Speaker 2: Noisemaker, he's right in there.
Speaker 1: He's like a five point eight, which is exactly what
Speaker 1: he deserves.
Speaker 4: One time I was on radio in Austin with that
Speaker 4: Robert Hawkins guy who we've talked about victually thinking.
Speaker 1: Is quite quite genius.
Speaker 4: Michael Winslow was on Radio two and we were just
Speaker 4: asking him to make the sounds of things, and we
Speaker 4: were like, do sausage sizzling in?
Speaker 2: And he made it sound it was just coming out
Speaker 2: of his mouth, this cripling, popping noise that sounded like.
Speaker 4: And then and then, in kind of a dick move,
Speaker 4: Robert said, now do bacon.
Speaker 2: And he did a difference.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's awesome.
Speaker 2: A different sound that was kind of thinner.
Speaker 4: So it's like, well, maybe where else is that guy
Speaker 4: gonna perform? Yes, he's not a comedian to me, he's
Speaker 4: not a guy that thinks of jokes.
Speaker 1: And but what he is as an entertainer.
Speaker 2: Here's an entertainer and where and.
Speaker 1: He also does put those sounds together. He's a comedian
Speaker 1: in that. I mean, there's some people who call themselves
Speaker 1: comedians who are way worse than Michael Winslow. Let's not
Speaker 1: be let's not be mean.
Speaker 4: Tradition right right? Who are traditionally all the who? All
Speaker 4: the framework is.
Speaker 1: There, the frame there, the prs there. People call them
Speaker 1: comedians and.
Speaker 2: They work, and they get working clubs.
Speaker 1: And you've heard them, You've heard their name constantly, and
Speaker 1: perhaps are even lauded and are actually rotten rotten.
Speaker 4: This is where we are talking about specific people, but
Speaker 4: we aren't saying who they are.
Speaker 2: It's got to be frustrating.
Speaker 1: It's got to be you know what. It's creating a
Speaker 1: kind of hot dynamic tension for the listeners.
Speaker 2: The listeners at home, like, I know who that is?
Speaker 1: To me? Do I know who it means? Does it
Speaker 1: even matter who it means?
Speaker 2: It's signed that comedian in your own brain, right.
Speaker 1: We all hate A person doesn't have to be a comedian.
Speaker 1: It could be that lady in your office that's so irritating.
Speaker 2: Don't your name, don't.
Speaker 1: Say your name don't even think it, don't even just
Speaker 1: know that you're right.
Speaker 2: Know that she exists and that you hate.
Speaker 1: Her, that you're right there are You know, the internet
Speaker 1: ages introduced this idea that everybody's great, and that's simply
Speaker 1: not true.
Speaker 2: No, just read my YouTube comments.
Speaker 1: Oh god, how about that for a sound of ex
Speaker 1: ecstatic joy? What I just did?
Speaker 2: He looks pretty good with that guy. He knows what
Speaker 2: we're doing.
Speaker 1: He knows, he knows as hell.
Speaker 2: Looks like.
Speaker 4: He's best dressed up for a business meeting. But it's
Speaker 4: about wrestling.
Speaker 1: He's got bad shoes, so you know it's about wrestling. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's really bad.
Speaker 4: So he's, you know, jumping up on the roads and
Speaker 4: throwing them, using them as a weapon.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 2: When there isn't a folding chair, he's used to a.
Speaker 1: Tall Lisa boots. Why black flat shoe doesn't really he's
Speaker 1: not good at shopping for those.
Speaker 2: We're all scuffed up because he's tossed them at his
Speaker 2: co workers.
Speaker 1: That guy looked like a beefy er. Stayphaned.
Speaker 4: Do you think the wrestlers call the other wrestlers co workers?
Speaker 4: I guess this is more of a Matt McCarthy question.
Speaker 1: I bet you if I text Matt.
Speaker 2: Right now, we could crash into a car and then.
Speaker 1: We would do it. P s A for not texting
Speaker 1: while you drive it.
Speaker 4: Here, I think we just did it. I didn't mean
Speaker 4: to jump down your throat. But there will no texting during.
Speaker 2: This There will be no texting. Vehicular podcast.
Speaker 1: Look at that guy's a top paddle.
Speaker 2: Can anything girl other than homicide be vehicular? Oh see,
Speaker 2: that was pretty funny. We have a vehicular podcast. Well
Speaker 2: that's terrible and illegal. No, I didn't say, man, no,
Speaker 2: we don't kill anybody. Yeah, no one gets hurt. We
Speaker 2: kill with our yeah jokes, fucking kill they crush.
Speaker 4: I crushed in my car the other day. Okay, I
Speaker 4: don't see him. I guess he's not.
Speaker 2: Quite out here yet. He still hasn't Should we be
Speaker 2: so so brass, brash? Brassy?
Speaker 1: Should we be?
Speaker 2: Should we with our hairs so brazier?
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Is a nice? Where are you from? Out of town?
Speaker 1: What are you? Some kind of?
Speaker 4: And now they're honking? No, get in front of me.
Speaker 4: I want I need someone to honk at.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna sometimes I let people land just so I
Speaker 2: can honk at them.
Speaker 1: Chris we're going around again.
Speaker 4: We have to go around, I know, I mean, what
Speaker 4: are you solving a crime? Don't leap out of your taxi,
Speaker 4: crazy ass. Yeah, I'm really excited to pick up a
Speaker 4: fair We almost clipped his.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: That cab driver jumped out on the driver's side into
Speaker 1: airport traffic.
Speaker 4: Such a calm look on his face, But it was
Speaker 4: it was the body of.
Speaker 2: An urgent man.
Speaker 1: It was probably he had already his spirit had left
Speaker 1: his body because he was committing.
Speaker 2: The look on that man's face, he's like looking for
Speaker 2: his loved ones. He looked. He has a little kid's face.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was lost.
Speaker 2: He was adorable. No, this guy's adorable. Look at this
Speaker 2: old guy.
Speaker 1: Look at him. He's like, I'll get it, dad.
Speaker 2: I really he's throwing the Is he frustrated?
Speaker 4: And this damn hat of my wife's stupid traffic?
Speaker 2: No, he's sweet. I never really had a grandpa, Karen.
Speaker 1: You didn't know. Oh, I had I had one great grandpa,
Speaker 1: awesome grandpa.
Speaker 2: He was Oh, was he your grandpa's dad or was.
Speaker 1: He a he was my dad's dad. I didn't mean
Speaker 1: to say great.
Speaker 2: That was a Madison Davids joke.
Speaker 4: She said, she has this great grandpa great grandma joke,
Speaker 4: Oh was she you're really old or just a really
Speaker 4: good grandma?
Speaker 2: And I did it wrong. I told it wrong. It's
Speaker 2: basically what you just said.
Speaker 1: I liked it. I didn't understand what was happening till
Speaker 1: the end because I was thinking about my grandpa, who
Speaker 1: was the greatest.
Speaker 2: Yeah, mine Wyatt too.
Speaker 4: I'd won that was a grumpy and drank and one
Speaker 4: that was just grumpy and crazy and didn't need drinks
Speaker 4: to be that way.
Speaker 2: And they both were just.
Speaker 4: Tall and mean, and they were once I was like
Speaker 4: walking and talking, they didn't want anything.
Speaker 2: To do with me.
Speaker 1: You know what, there's nothing worse than a grumpy old manson.
Speaker 1: They're the worst. They're scary looking, they look like ghouls.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're making it very hard to respect my elders.
Speaker 1: Yes, Grandpa, if you're old, you're an old man, and
Speaker 1: you make it to that point, just be nice, Like
Speaker 1: you have a drink, that's fine, but be nice.
Speaker 2: I wish that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, which my grandparents because it's kind of the reason
Speaker 4: we left California, where I was born and went back
Speaker 4: to Montana. My dad was like, well, the kids should
Speaker 4: be around grandparents.
Speaker 2: Oh no, we moved down there, and then they just
Speaker 2: weren't into us. They're like, once I started, I think
Speaker 2: I said something. I had an opinion about something once
Speaker 2: and he never really looked at me again.
Speaker 1: Because he was from an era where you got to
Speaker 1: open hand slap children.
Speaker 4: Right in the floor, or he would there'd be the
Speaker 4: salt shaker would be empty and he would just slide
Speaker 4: it across the floor and it would hit my grandma's
Speaker 4: feet and without flinching, she would pick it up and
Speaker 4: put salt in it and put it together.
Speaker 2: Like that's called abuse.
Speaker 1: That's called love. Yeah, that's uh, yeah, that's from a
Speaker 1: different time.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's they're all gone now. But so I never
Speaker 4: everyone's grandparents are gone. I'm not saying that I don't.
Speaker 2: You and I we have we have, We've had lost. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we've had lost. We've had the the thing. But I
Speaker 2: do see old men and I'm like, I yearn for
Speaker 2: their attention. And that's yearning. It's the worst word I
Speaker 2: could have been there. That makes it sound sexual. I
Speaker 2: don't want to be with them. I want to just
Speaker 2: be with them.
Speaker 1: You want to have a nice uh cardigan, sweated.
Speaker 2: Arm around your shoulder, I was in England.
Speaker 4: I think there was all these grandpa's I never had
Speaker 4: because I get I think I'm vaguely English.
Speaker 2: Now, No, I don't. I haven't gone to ancestry dot com,
Speaker 2: but I went.
Speaker 1: Don't do it as it is all weird, like military
Speaker 1: records and ship Okay.
Speaker 2: Please insert your teeth into the computer.
Speaker 3: I just.
Speaker 4: All these old men, Uh like, why is everyone hanking?
Speaker 1: It's traffic, everybody's fine, super Bowl Sunday.
Speaker 2: Who is this honking? They're just gonna keep honking.
Speaker 4: Sometimes people honk when they're just they don't know. Oh
Speaker 4: he's saying hi to his friend and we're caught in
Speaker 4: the crossfire.
Speaker 1: Could it be that go bro down on your own.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you guys are Yeah.
Speaker 2: Isn't the super Bowl happening right now?
Speaker 1: It is happening right now.
Speaker 2: Maybe well, my grand feathers didn't like me. They knew
Speaker 2: I didn't care about football.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's what it was. And then my dad, you really,
Speaker 1: are you really taking that personally, because if it was
Speaker 1: an old alcoholic man, it had nothing to do with you, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean there's there's a little work to be done there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they were cool when I was really little. That's
Speaker 2: what matters when it form an account. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: when you're fourteen, who wants to hang out with your grandparents?
Speaker 1: Oh, you were fourteen, that's a totally different story. Everyone
Speaker 1: hats teenage.
Speaker 2: Seven or eight. I don't know. I don't have a
Speaker 2: good memory.
Speaker 1: Great age.
Speaker 2: It's all one big blur. And then college.
Speaker 1: My grandpa. One time we spent the night at my
Speaker 1: grandma and grandpa's house. They were both from the Old Country.
Speaker 1: My grandpa came to America when he was fourteen by himself.
Speaker 2: It's the Old Country. Always mean Italy. I don't know
Speaker 2: where that was. It means, but it doesn't come the
Speaker 2: Old Country.
Speaker 1: It depends on what person you're talking to. Sorry, yeah,
Speaker 1: in my family means Ireland.
Speaker 4: If you're a Sicilian, then Ireland the boot, the boot
Speaker 4: kicked Sicily the boot.
Speaker 2: So you're the soccer ball if you're Sicilian. And hey,
Speaker 2: and I call him soccer balls.
Speaker 1: Don't mess around?
Speaker 2: And is that racist?
Speaker 4: If I make up my own thing, get out of
Speaker 4: the way, you damn soccer ball? What the hell does
Speaker 4: that mean? Well, Italy kicks you and you're like at
Speaker 4: soccer ball?
Speaker 1: Oh well, oh well, too bad. I have to shoot
Speaker 1: you in the head anyway. Sorry, two to the dome.
Speaker 2: That's how the yep, all Sicilians will shoot you.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 2: Sorry, I'll go out on a limb.
Speaker 1: They're gonna shoot me anyway. I might as well tell
Speaker 1: the truth.
Speaker 2: I learned it from true romance my grandpa.
Speaker 1: One time we spent the night at my grandma and
Speaker 1: grandpa's house.
Speaker 2: Huh.
Speaker 1: They had a lot of portraits of Jesus with thorns. Oh,
Speaker 1: on his worst year, the blue period, you might say.
Speaker 1: And I woke up before my sister and my cousin Nancy,
Speaker 1: and my grandpa was awake looking at me. And then
Speaker 1: he waved his hand and he brought me in and
Speaker 1: gave me powdered donut and some tang like I was
Speaker 1: the only grandchild he cared about. Meanwhile, he had twenty
Speaker 1: nine grandchildren. Wow, but I got some special early morning
Speaker 1: grandpa time because he was awake as early as I was.
Speaker 1: It was great. Kind of not interesting maybe to everybody.
Speaker 2: But it is I think.
Speaker 4: Didn't we were gonna say real specific grandpa stories was
Speaker 4: our third podcast idea Will these stories have an ending?
Speaker 2: You then said, And I said, they don't have to no.
Speaker 1: Oh, good. Then I said, great, that's exactly how mine's
Speaker 1: going to go.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, he said he's getting a coffee.
Speaker 1: Okay, I guess uh.
Speaker 2: Oh, no, he's because he's waiting for his bag.
Speaker 1: Oh great, and we're going to go up here. Apt
Speaker 1: we're just going to tell him that we had to
Speaker 1: go by delta going around. Are we going to go
Speaker 1: around again?
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I guess we have to. Okay, he's waiting
Speaker 2: for his bag.
Speaker 4: What he just was saying getting a coffee because he's
Speaker 4: waiting for his bag. I didn't realize.
Speaker 1: No, that's right. I feel like the treat is for
Speaker 1: the listener. Hello listeners. By the way, have we done
Speaker 1: any kind of a salutation that we like to usually do?
Speaker 2: I believe salutation it's the conclusionary, isn't it? Or is
Speaker 2: it like aloha?
Speaker 1: Salutation is greeting thought salutations like hellos and goodbyes. I
Speaker 1: think it's I think it's like hellos and hellos.
Speaker 2: It's too so it is so salutations.
Speaker 4: A perfect example would be aloha, which means hello and goodbye,
Speaker 4: and it also means.
Speaker 1: To serve your definition. Yes, but in reality it doesn't.
Speaker 1: So it doesn't look if we could just look up
Speaker 1: Charlotte's Web, we would find out exactly what salutation that is.
Speaker 3: Some pick.
Speaker 2: Like to take things from it. It's just that might
Speaker 2: be from babe.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, some pig. That's Charlotte's Web all the way.
Speaker 4: Someone had a joke recently and they were quoting what
Speaker 4: one of the things the spider weaved in there?
Speaker 2: And it wasn't that some pig. It was some that's something.
Speaker 1: Was it the big long word?
Speaker 2: Yes? And they did they just able to say it.
Speaker 1: Oh they didn't know. They didn't.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah it's been Dubiti or yeah, yeah, it was
Speaker 2: like some Oh, well, who cares we Hey, don't get
Speaker 2: me starting on on movies with pigs. And I'm I'm
Speaker 2: like talking all day. I'll be talking all.
Speaker 1: Day and day bi Bibe. Pig in the city was upsetting.
Speaker 1: Remember that.
Speaker 2: I don't. I didn't see him go to the city,
Speaker 2: but I did.
Speaker 4: I remember, Uh, just him the original country pig. So
Speaker 4: at one point he had to oh he was a
Speaker 4: real pig. It's not like he packed a bag and they.
Speaker 1: He didn't wear like a little red master.
Speaker 2: Okay, how about a bow tie? I can deal with.
Speaker 1: That you can kind of go for that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh, yes can do? I can go for that.
Speaker 2: I yes can do?
Speaker 1: Is the word no, it's not.
Speaker 2: It's I was doing a little riff of Paul and.
Speaker 1: Oates, I know, but are those the real words? I
Speaker 1: can't go for that.
Speaker 4: I can't go for that. No, I no can do so,
Speaker 4: I said, I can go for that, Oh, yes, can
Speaker 4: do so. It's just a little reversal of the content
Speaker 4: classic so enjoyable. I mean, I can't I can't speak
Speaker 4: for someone like weird Al Yankovic, but I think his
Speaker 4: early work it was just like reversing songs to polka, right,
Speaker 4: that's right?
Speaker 1: Well, and also he did he really sent up some
Speaker 1: of Michael Jackson's greatest hits, my favorite being I'm Fat.
Speaker 2: I have a Banana, have a whole bunch. Right. If
Speaker 2: you don't like it, say eve at for launch, just
Speaker 2: eat eat it jam On. Jam On described weird Al
Speaker 2: and his music. I don't think I would.
Speaker 1: Go for that, but yes can do.
Speaker 2: So funny.
Speaker 4: Isn't it interesting how he kind of stuck around and everyone.
Speaker 2: Likes him, yes for sure, and respects.
Speaker 4: Him, and people are coming out of the closet and oh,
Speaker 4: they go. God, Prius, you're so indecisive because you have
Speaker 4: no power in.
Speaker 1: Your silent You're a silent killer.
Speaker 2: Oh why did you?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: I think I know why. We let them in so
Speaker 2: we could honk at him. That was such a weird behavior.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was not smart. Driving, very so many bad
Speaker 1: great pulling around almost there, Yes, can do here.
Speaker 2: I'm texting Gray.
Speaker 1: Text like Howard Kramer.
Speaker 2: Uh, sending you the color of the thug and also
Speaker 2: the make and model.
Speaker 3: It's black.
Speaker 2: It's black, don't right, Gray, hond Ou black Honda.
Speaker 1: Accord.
Speaker 2: What with dog hair? And it should I have written that?
Speaker 1: Okay, send Sarah.
Speaker 2: I bet he has dogs himself. Uh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's nothing I can do. I'm really ashamed about it,
Speaker 1: but now I've it's turned over into just I have
Speaker 1: no feeling about it anymore.
Speaker 2: I hate being at Lax and you said you like it. God,
Speaker 2: I get so uncomfortable here.
Speaker 1: Do you really?
Speaker 4: And it's nice, it's not even crowdedna. I don't know
Speaker 4: what to ask Jake. Oh, let's just I'm gonna I
Speaker 4: want to know. There's some general knowledge things. I just
Speaker 4: want to know.
Speaker 2: I don't know him very well. I just know that
Speaker 2: I like him and.
Speaker 1: I think he's a very receptive person. Yeah, but you know,
Speaker 1: who knows. He might be uncomfortable. The dog hair might
Speaker 1: make him sneak super bummed out. Who knows. We just
Speaker 1: have to play it by ear. We have to play
Speaker 1: it as it's laid.
Speaker 2: And that Prius cut us off.
Speaker 4: And right now it's just forever you see him in
Speaker 4: front of you where you want to be. And now
Speaker 4: I'm I'm still mad at that Prius Silent killers. You
Speaker 4: cannot make a car. I don't care if it if
Speaker 4: it's good for the environment, I do.
Speaker 2: Care that it is. I take that it's nice.
Speaker 4: It's nice ever since the advent of Prius is and
Speaker 4: there's fewer. When I moved here in two thousand and
Speaker 4: three to Los Angeles, there's so many hummers and everything. Oh,
Speaker 4: it was horrible, and I never could see the Hollywood sign.
Speaker 4: Now I can see it all the time, and I
Speaker 4: really think it is because everyone's buying smarter cars.
Speaker 2: But absolutely, the fact that it just.
Speaker 4: Rolls up and all you can hear is the tread
Speaker 4: of the wheel, like there's no motor sounds.
Speaker 1: It's crazy.
Speaker 2: I've almost been hit by so many Prius.
Speaker 1: I yeah, it doesn't make sense, Like whoever thought of that?
Speaker 1: They should have put in an artificial noise. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: it's crazy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like or just baseball card and the spokes.
Speaker 1: Look at they had to wave to their grandma. Who's
Speaker 1: now coming?
Speaker 2: Black pants and a brown shirt, he said, which I.
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, I really like that so distinctive, almost punk rock.
Speaker 2: Yeah, here we go.
Speaker 1: Black pants, brown shirt. Jake Johansson, black.
Speaker 2: Pants, brown shirt.
Speaker 1: What will you do? Oh, that's that guy was coming.
Speaker 1: I honestly thought that guy was getting into our car.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna roll down the window at the risk of
Speaker 2: making some noise.
Speaker 4: Ah, the sights and sand, well, not the sights, but
Speaker 4: certainly the sounds. Boy, I don't I don't see him.
Speaker 1: Oh I love his face.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's got a great face. Hey, I'm gonna tell him.
Speaker 2: You said that. You just wait, you just wait, Leon, Okay,
Speaker 2: I always want to.
Speaker 1: It's open, it should be open.
Speaker 4: Oh uh oh, I always want to help.
Speaker 1: Hi.
Speaker 2: Hi.
Speaker 1: Oh that was way too high. Did you hear how
Speaker 1: high my voice went?
Speaker 2: There?
Speaker 1: It's okay, exclamation of joy.
Speaker 4: It's okay, Hi, here he comes, Jake, Joe hands and everybody.
Speaker 1: Yes, well it's covering all the dog hair on.
Speaker 3: She has dogs, and look, she's moved the sheet. But
Speaker 3: I'm glad I.
Speaker 1: Didn't the sheets clean.
Speaker 2: It would have been funny if you got under it
Speaker 2: and just immediately took a note.
Speaker 3: Just well, it seems like you're picking up a dog.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: I kind of always am if there's one in the
Speaker 2: road and it looks like it doesn't have an owner,
Speaker 2: I'll grab that pick it up.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's see if we can get a dog on
Speaker 3: our way.
Speaker 2: Jake, I'm telling on your Karen, Jake. As soon as
Speaker 2: you came out, she's like, I look at his great face.
Speaker 3: It's true, I said a face.
Speaker 2: You have a great face.
Speaker 1: It's great to see her face.
Speaker 3: This is just my face.
Speaker 2: I think it's in a roundabout way because I'm uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: We're saying you're handsome.
Speaker 3: Well, that's sweet. Oh, you're welcome. I can't believe I'm
Speaker 3: in the back by myself, because is it.
Speaker 2: A little weird because you're talking to the back of
Speaker 2: our heads.
Speaker 1: I'm staring at you through the rear of your mirror.
Speaker 3: It's nice. I like your podcast.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 3: It's nice to get a ride from the airport, though,
Speaker 3: I was thinking when I was, you know, texting it
Speaker 3: back and forth and like, oh God, it's easier to
Speaker 3: take a cab than to do this. But now that
Speaker 3: I'm in the car, I'm really.
Speaker 2: Right, aren't you glad we're not an angry cab driver.
Speaker 3: I would love it if this turned into like a
Speaker 3: meal and then we all go out tonight, we get
Speaker 3: some pizza.
Speaker 2: Recording the whole time.
Speaker 4: Come on, we we know, and especially for the send
Speaker 4: off episodes where we're bringing people to the airport.
Speaker 3: That's what I really wish that I you know, I
Speaker 3: mean not to take anything away from this experience.
Speaker 4: It seems like so far jakuphonely complained about it.
Speaker 2: Seems like you're not you know.
Speaker 3: I don't think of myself as a complainer, but maybe
Speaker 3: it's time to face the Yeah that those early morning ones,
Speaker 3: you know, like I have to go to Columbus on Thursday.
Speaker 3: I think I'm gonna have to leave my house at
Speaker 3: five in the morning. Where will you be then, just
Speaker 3: out of curiosity.
Speaker 1: We'll be right in front of your house at four
Speaker 1: forty five.
Speaker 3: Okay, sequel, that's what I smell.
Speaker 1: So let's put some cliffhangers in this one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's it's gonna end. Okay, ellipses.
Speaker 3: I have the worst diarrhea right now, and it's because
Speaker 3: I ate a bag of diamonds on the planet.
Speaker 2: To be continued.
Speaker 1: Will they become millionaires or just have a mess on
Speaker 1: their hands.
Speaker 3: I went into that airplane bathroom, and you never think
Speaker 3: you're going to see a bag of diamonds in there,
Speaker 3: but there it was sure, And I thought, if I
Speaker 3: come out with these, they're going to know that I
Speaker 3: have them. But if I eat them, I can deny
Speaker 3: I had eat the bag too.
Speaker 2: That's what one of the only reasons people don't eat
Speaker 2: bags of diamonds. That's they really cut you up on
Speaker 2: the way.
Speaker 3: It's not even the diamonds, it's that velvety bag thing.
Speaker 3: That's what I think is really going to be the problem.
Speaker 5: Where the diamonds in like a purple crown royal, they
Speaker 5: were sitting on top of the bag, and so I
Speaker 5: I didn't I didn't put the diamonds in the bag
Speaker 5: because I thought, look, that's gonna that's going to create
Speaker 5: a real.
Speaker 3: Kind of a bottleneck. No pun intended. I ate the
Speaker 3: diamonds separately, and then I also ate the bag I
Speaker 3: felt like, if you leave the bag in there, it's
Speaker 3: kind of Oh, you want to take a right here
Speaker 3: to go?
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's go right here. Yeah, we're going to go
Speaker 2: to and you can.
Speaker 3: Go any way you want.
Speaker 1: Did I just make you spell that coffee?
Speaker 3: Just a little bit? But that's not bad. I was
Speaker 3: going to wash these clothes when I got home. I'm
Speaker 3: coming home. That's the beauty of coming home. Man, would
Speaker 3: I be mad if we were on our way to
Speaker 3: the airport now? Like? Great? Now I'm going to be
Speaker 3: in Ohio all week.
Speaker 1: Coffee freaking of coffee.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just want to add one thing to the
Speaker 4: diamond thing. I would have eaten the bag first, just
Speaker 4: to coat my stomach. Oh yeah, I've been waiting to
Speaker 4: say that. Well, you know, we hadn't moved on to
Speaker 4: a coffee.
Speaker 3: This is the thing. Everybody's got an opinion after the fact.
Speaker 3: I don't know where you were when I was on
Speaker 3: the plane.
Speaker 2: I here's the problem with our early morning.
Speaker 4: When someone has a six am flight and we've gone
Speaker 4: all the way down for a four o'clock pick up
Speaker 4: in studio City.
Speaker 2: We're all so tired. No one is funny. I'm not
Speaker 2: funny until.
Speaker 3: I worried about two o'clock. I worried about that myself too.
Speaker 3: I worried that, you know, I'm slightly emotional now. That
Speaker 3: must be part of what happens when you pick people
Speaker 3: up at the airport.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of crying usually on this podcasts, and
Speaker 1: you've been traveling, you you would think you would just
Speaker 1: be used to it by now, but it's still not
Speaker 1: a pleasant.
Speaker 3: I've only just recently realized that I've done my career wrong. Well,
Speaker 3: you know, a couple of weeks ago, or maybe it
Speaker 3: was a week ago. Who can even tell? What is
Speaker 3: a week ago or what's a couple of weeks ago,
Speaker 3: or what happened this afternoon a north Stra damis maybe. Yeah,
Speaker 3: everything is so different now that I've swallowed those diamonds.
Speaker 3: You can do either one. But yeah. I did a
Speaker 3: show down a comedy Magic and I thought, well, this
Speaker 3: is gonna be fun. I'm headlining down here and it's
Speaker 3: low pressure. It's Tuesday Wednesday night, and then it's Paul
Speaker 3: Riser and Ray Ramono are doing guest sets, and then
Speaker 3: so they go on legends of you know, TV comedy.
Speaker 3: People can't believe they're even in the same room with
Speaker 3: it right right, And then I go on and I realized, Oh,
Speaker 3: I see with the mistake that I've made. Now it's
Speaker 3: also clear I've done my career as if performing on
Speaker 3: stage was my job and TV and movies were this
Speaker 3: hobby thing that I did.
Speaker 2: It's so funny.
Speaker 4: We were talking about that right before we picked you up,
Speaker 4: and I've been doing the same thing. I just always
Speaker 4: wanted to be a comedian for a living.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'm loving it like I was. Just in Atlanta.
Speaker 3: I worked at the Laughing Skull. It's a great club,
Speaker 3: the tiniest club in the university.
Speaker 2: It's like an eater, isn't it.
Speaker 3: And I did this low budget movie that they're doing
Speaker 3: while I was there as like a favorite thing during
Speaker 3: the day. Sure, but that's not the way you're supposed
Speaker 3: to be doing movies. You're supposed to be putting your
Speaker 3: comedy stand up career on hold, going to do a big,
Speaker 3: giant movie and you get a sitcom and you go
Speaker 3: back to doing stand up later on. But I've done
Speaker 3: it the other way around. It's too to change it. Now.
Speaker 2: Are you a person that likes acting? Do you act?
Speaker 3: And I like the part where you actually have the job.
Speaker 3: I just want to point out that things are going
Speaker 3: to be different once I shit these diamonds.
Speaker 1: The whole tone is going to change.
Speaker 3: Yeah, my career is going to change. I mean that's
Speaker 3: kind of the that's going to be an injection of
Speaker 3: financial security that I've you know, yet to experience in
Speaker 3: my life. Not that things are you know, I don't
Speaker 3: want to kind of maintain this tone of complaining because
Speaker 3: things are fine. I'm very happy.
Speaker 4: Well, you're probably uncomfortable though physically, just with them in there.
Speaker 4: You you there's no way you aren't feeling that diamonds
Speaker 4: in there. But it's the heartest substance known to men, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, but I had a big lunch on the plane too,
Speaker 3: so they're yeah, they're kind of mixing around. When you
Speaker 3: said that you're probably feeling feeling uncomfortable, I thought you
Speaker 3: were talking about the back seat of the Oh, I.
Speaker 1: Don't think you're going to be able to though.
Speaker 3: Look at that the sheet's there. Okay, we'll take it easy.
Speaker 1: There's a kind of Mormon feel to that setup back there,
Speaker 1: where there's a sheet for keeping you doing things.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I guess I guess it is bad that
Speaker 4: it's not every time there's a sheet back there there the.
Speaker 3: Mormons do with the sheet. I knew that there was
Speaker 3: a Jewish thing with a sheet and the board, and it.
Speaker 4: Was a Jewish I thought, thinking of a special magic
Speaker 4: underwear that you can oh, that's a certain pair of
Speaker 4: underwear that it's okay too.
Speaker 3: We should stick to our own religions. In my church.
Speaker 3: You don't have to do any of that. You can
Speaker 3: do it. You know, you're not supposed to have sex
Speaker 3: until you get married, so I guess I blew it there.
Speaker 3: What is your church, Jake, Well, I don't really have
Speaker 3: a church, but I grew up in the We were
Speaker 3: Congregational Presbyterian, you know, which is kind of the the
Speaker 3: most Protestant Protestant churches. I mean, maybe not Unitarian. Those
Speaker 3: guys are pretty relax. That's almost like a you know,
Speaker 3: pot party.
Speaker 2: I went to it.
Speaker 4: I was in a Presbyterian youth group in high school
Speaker 4: just for the pot I know, I really did, and
Speaker 4: it was really I even was very open with my
Speaker 4: pastor guy that I'd never had the Bible and kind of.
Speaker 2: Saw a lot of holes in it and maybe was agnostic.
Speaker 2: And he's like, that's Okay, wow, because we have some
Speaker 2: a big sale to run or whatever. We just did.
Speaker 1: That's all business. See. My family was the opposite because
Speaker 1: I was raised Catholic, and we went to summer camp
Speaker 1: that was Episcopalian, and we came home on a Sunday
Speaker 1: and went to like morning Mass with all the kids
Speaker 1: we went to camp with at the Episcopalian church. And
Speaker 1: then when we got back to my aunt's house, my
Speaker 1: grandma was there and she said, are they going to
Speaker 1: go to real church?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: She wanted us to go to Catholic Mass. We'd already
Speaker 1: gone to Episcopalia.
Speaker 3: Oh And see, from me, from my point of view,
Speaker 3: the Presbyterian Church Episcopalians were actually very that's the real deal.
Speaker 3: That's the Henry the eighth version of Catholicism, right, I
Speaker 3: mean that sort of the Church of England. They kind
Speaker 3: of he invented his own church once they wouldn't let
Speaker 3: him get divorced and then and.
Speaker 1: That was what Episcapalion's turned into.
Speaker 3: That's my understanding of it. But again, we're a little
Speaker 3: over our heads here in the hun.
Speaker 1: We're beyond over my head.
Speaker 2: You're where, Yeah, we're in an arena. I know nothing
Speaker 2: about I couldn't finger Henry the eighth and a lineup
Speaker 2: if I Yeah, I mean photo.
Speaker 3: Big fat guy. He's always eating a turkey leg.
Speaker 2: I've seen him down at the beach.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, Renaissance Renaissance fair. Have you ever been to
Speaker 3: a Renaissance fair?
Speaker 2: I've always avoided them? Should I Have I been wrong
Speaker 2: this whole time?
Speaker 3: I feel like that's a good sequel to this episode.
Speaker 1: Also fair.
Speaker 4: The only wait, I'll go to a Renaissance fair if
Speaker 4: you can promise me a couple of things, A person
Speaker 4: with a snake and maybe a juggler.
Speaker 3: Well, come on, I feel like you're sitting the bar
Speaker 3: a little bit.
Speaker 2: With a tall order. It's a tall order.
Speaker 1: Okay, we can bring our own snake.
Speaker 3: Oh there's gonna be if there will be a lady
Speaker 3: with a snake. I don't worry.
Speaker 2: I forget. I have a snake, and you know what,
Speaker 2: I forgot to feed it.
Speaker 1: Jake.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, I don't really want to get serious. I
Speaker 3: want to go to the Renaissance.
Speaker 1: Right now.
Speaker 2: I want a mug of mead from the wench.
Speaker 3: And I've never really thought of myself as that guy.
Speaker 3: You know, there's the dungeons and Dragons. Guys like Brian
Speaker 3: Posan was telling me he does a podcast where they
Speaker 3: just play Dungeons and Dragons.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh that's great play, right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so, But I mean I can't. I
Speaker 3: don't even know how Dungeons and Dragons works. But either
Speaker 3: the Renaissance Fair was pre Dungeons and Dragons, That's all
Speaker 3: I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, is the original cosplay?
Speaker 3: Yeah? What if? What if instead of coming here and
Speaker 3: seeing real people doing these things, we just rolled dice
Speaker 3: and pretend in our.
Speaker 1: Basement, we won't have to do all this hideous interacting.
Speaker 2: Well, there's new versions of that. What it's the game.
Speaker 4: There's some not like risk but a newer version of
Speaker 4: that about overtaking the world.
Speaker 2: And people play it now live.
Speaker 3: It's like a risk a game.
Speaker 1: Oh oh yeah.
Speaker 2: A lot of girls play it.
Speaker 3: Girls.
Speaker 2: Yeah, girls, it's like it's I wish I knew the
Speaker 2: name of the game.
Speaker 3: I wish you did too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost like I've wasted the last twenty seconds.
Speaker 3: Well, we can google this, we'll fitgure it out later.
Speaker 3: There's people googling it right now getting mad at us.
Speaker 3: What's the google girls? Renaissance It's a dating game Melton
Speaker 3: Bradley dating game Twister. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I guess it's nothing like Dungeons and Dragons unless you're
Speaker 2: into that it's a dating game.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've World of Warcraft.
Speaker 4: I've always wanted to go not No, I'm not a renaissance.
Speaker 4: I like going to the Civil War reenactments. Jake, how
Speaker 4: often are you on the I.
Speaker 3: Don't believe you've ever been to a civil war. I'm
Speaker 3: I know we're not playing a game show right now,
Speaker 3: but I have to say I doubt that. I doubt
Speaker 3: that you've been to a civil war.
Speaker 4: When I lived in Austin where I first saw you
Speaker 4: at the Bad Dog Comedy Theater, It's likely they never
Speaker 4: paid you.
Speaker 3: I did get paid there.
Speaker 2: Kevin didn't Kevin meanie, and he he lived up to
Speaker 2: his name. He was not happy. That was just a
Speaker 2: dumb joke. But I remember he was.
Speaker 3: Oh, potholes always matter.
Speaker 4: Why people have four wheel drive trucks in LA And
Speaker 4: then and then I go over those potholes and I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 4: that made me want to have them.
Speaker 3: It's just gonna get worse. I don't I don't want
Speaker 3: to get all political, but I mean, I feel like
Speaker 3: you were talking about infrastructure right now, and Barack Obama
Speaker 3: has let us down. And I don't think Republicans are
Speaker 3: going to be any help either.
Speaker 1: You know, it's gonna it's all just gonna slowly fall apart.
Speaker 2: It starts with a hole in the road and then
Speaker 2: it ends up with our kids being homeless.
Speaker 3: Hey, did you speaking of our kids? Did you know
Speaker 3: there's a measles epidemic right now?
Speaker 4: Yes, well I did.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it started at Disneyland, is what I heard. Or
Speaker 3: it's where that's the epiplosion center.
Speaker 4: Everyone's everyone's coming down on Jenny McCarthy and uh, and
Speaker 4: she's like become the poster child for the lunacy of
Speaker 4: not inoculating your kids. But I the measles momp's Rubella
Speaker 4: shot when I was a kid gave me an immediate reaction.
Speaker 2: I had roseasia, I had convulsions, I.
Speaker 4: Would a very high fevers, and my mom was always like,
Speaker 4: I know, you were fine and healthy until we got
Speaker 4: you inoculated. Then again, so I've had a mom that
Speaker 4: my whole life was kind of saying that Jenny McCarthy's stuff, really.
Speaker 3: Except you've got the vaccination, so you never came down
Speaker 3: with the real mesle, and you've got a great career.
Speaker 3: We're in a car doing a podcast right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right. I mean so I almost baked my
Speaker 2: brain as a baby.
Speaker 3: Yeah, if you don't consider this a high ten, you're
Speaker 3: right all the way around.
Speaker 1: Yeah you've won.
Speaker 3: Yeah, your mom is wrong, but I agree Jenny McCarthy
Speaker 3: deserves a break. I mean, I don't think enough things
Speaker 3: have gone her way.
Speaker 2: What I gleaned from that is I have a pretty
Speaker 2: good life. That's what I keep thinking.
Speaker 3: Thank you. Yeah, well that's what I was thinking. I
Speaker 3: was thinking. I wish I was the guy who was
Speaker 3: picking people up at the airport doing a show.
Speaker 1: Will be good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, someday, I so close.
Speaker 1: You're close.
Speaker 2: Just just stick to it. You'll get there. Kid. I
Speaker 2: like to say that to.
Speaker 1: When I started comedy. Yeah, we both do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we were talking about that earlier. It's something we
Speaker 2: should have mentioned.
Speaker 3: I really like you guys too, So this is really great.
Speaker 3: What are we going to do after this? And I
Speaker 3: don't know why I looked up to you. Huh.
Speaker 2: I looked up to you and you said, well, I
Speaker 2: like you guys too.
Speaker 3: Oh that's actually well, I didn't think I can say
Speaker 3: that I look up to you because that would be weird, right,
Speaker 3: I mean, how could we both look up to each other's.
Speaker 2: Making fun of my height because I'm short.
Speaker 3: I didn't remember that about you.
Speaker 4: Now that I'm five nine going on, I'm actually shrinking.
Speaker 4: We did a speakeasy together.
Speaker 3: Oh that show was so ridiculous. We did a show
Speaker 3: in a bar that was so dark, Like the light
Speaker 3: on stage was not as bright as your phone. The
Speaker 3: flashlight thing on your was.
Speaker 2: Like one wayward Christmas, a string of light. But it
Speaker 2: was just one little bowl. But it was called the Prohibition,
Speaker 2: I think something like.
Speaker 3: I can't remember. It was in Culver City and it
Speaker 3: was booked by our friend Al Jackson. Jackson and I
Speaker 3: spoke to Al about it. He said that the guy,
Speaker 3: the guy who runs the room, got up at he
Speaker 3: and wanted to kind of start making all these rules
Speaker 3: about the comedians and the blah blah blah that you know,
Speaker 3: he totally became a prima donna producer. No, so Al
Speaker 3: had he yanked that show out of that room, which
Speaker 3: is a real shame.
Speaker 1: So the guy took the lights with him.
Speaker 3: When yeah, I'm doing a show tonight under the covers.
Speaker 3: Once my wife goes to sleep. We're going to do
Speaker 3: it under the covers on my side of the bed,
Speaker 3: but you kind of have to be quiet.
Speaker 4: Okay, do you need a temper pedic bed for that
Speaker 4: or I already have that. Have that because a lot
Speaker 4: of times, you know, you know, the people want to
Speaker 4: do stand up and the wife will either want to
Speaker 4: sleep or drink wine.
Speaker 1: Jake, what is your sleep number?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I don't. We have the temper peediic. I don't
Speaker 3: really understand the sleep number. That's a little laughter my time.
Speaker 2: But you have to actually own the bed and read
Speaker 2: the manual.
Speaker 3: Do you know anything about it? Which is the more firmer?
Speaker 3: Is that a higher number a lower number?
Speaker 1: No idea. I've only seen the commercial one hundred times,
Speaker 1: but I don't really know what that.
Speaker 3: I know I have a sleep number, and that's really
Speaker 3: all I think.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm proud have one.
Speaker 4: I have a seaypostropedic and that's because you know, it
Speaker 4: makes it easier. I can just electronically elevate my legs
Speaker 4: for my gout and.
Speaker 1: Then Kraftmatic, yeah, craftmatic adjustable.
Speaker 2: I grew up with waterbeds, and I think that's why
Speaker 2: I have scoliosis and a number of hip problems.
Speaker 3: I really, did you really have? Did your parents have
Speaker 3: a waterbed?
Speaker 2: I had a series of waterbeds as a kid, and I.
Speaker 1: A child's waterbed.
Speaker 3: Well it was warm.
Speaker 2: You know. I grew up in Montana and lived in
Speaker 2: a basement my whole life.
Speaker 1: Were you rich?
Speaker 2: I got out, I got out of there.
Speaker 3: Are put in a basement with it?
Speaker 1: They get their own basement waterbed? My god, it just never.
Speaker 2: Had enough water in it. So it was like a hammock.
Speaker 4: It was like I was sleeping in a water hammock. Right,
Speaker 4: So my back was always constantly arched. And I think
Speaker 4: you can all tell with my I'm very self conscious
Speaker 4: about my.
Speaker 2: H Yes, oh I love when yes.
Speaker 3: Good.
Speaker 2: He works for the city.
Speaker 3: That's good that he has a This guy with a
Speaker 3: reflector vests and a my key Helmetah, welcome to the neighborhood.
Speaker 2: He's just a crossing guard with a lot of spirit. Anyway,
Speaker 2: I'm a bad posture, are you, Jake? Are you a
Speaker 2: married person to have family?
Speaker 3: I am?
Speaker 2: I am.
Speaker 3: I wasn't kidding about my wife. I was kidding about
Speaker 3: the podcast in bed with her.
Speaker 4: But I remember you mention wife just moments ago. And
Speaker 4: I obviously I get I think, do you have kids?
Speaker 3: That's what I have a wife and we have a
Speaker 3: daughter who's ten.
Speaker 2: That's terrific.
Speaker 3: And that's why I'm not out. That's why we don't
Speaker 3: get to see each other more often. That's the that's
Speaker 3: why we have to wait until Al Jackson does a
Speaker 3: show in a flashlight show in a tiny bar.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to see if I can do something
Speaker 2: about that.
Speaker 3: I am too, I'm trying to get out more. I'm
Speaker 3: trying to be amongst more people. This is the step
Speaker 3: in that direction. Once, Yes, this is yeah, this is it.
Speaker 1: Well, I know many people who would love to have
Speaker 1: you on their shows around town. Many.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you could just kind of take your pick of
Speaker 4: the ones that are just fun where you're actually getting
Speaker 4: work done, because I I tend to just do whatever
Speaker 4: show someone offers me, and I'll drive. I'd live over
Speaker 4: here on the West Side like you, and I'll drive
Speaker 4: all the way to It's a.
Speaker 3: Long way from here to there. Yeah, you've done any
Speaker 3: of those shows that are like in some like they
Speaker 3: roll up a garage door and you do a show
Speaker 3: in the driveway, and sometimes they're great.
Speaker 1: There's there's a whole spate of living room shows that
Speaker 1: space is not the right word. But there's a bunch
Speaker 1: of living dearth, a bunch of living room shows where
Speaker 1: the kids that go there are so into it they're
Speaker 1: like some of the best shows I've ever done.
Speaker 3: I totally get why the kids who go there would
Speaker 3: be into it, But what I don't understand really is
Speaker 3: like I feel like we might have lost track of
Speaker 3: what we're trying to do, which is, you know, we're
Speaker 3: trying to make a living you know. I feel like
Speaker 3: if you can't ever charge someone to cover or get
Speaker 3: paid for doing stand up, then I mean, you're not
Speaker 3: gonna get your own sitcom from doing a show in
Speaker 3: somebody's living room. Are true though, But if it's true,
Speaker 3: I'm ready to do the living room. I don't want
Speaker 3: to be completely mercenary about this living room.
Speaker 4: Show, but I feel that way when I'm on the
Speaker 4: road and I go to some club. The last one
Speaker 4: that really made me sleep in the fetal position was
Speaker 4: in Houston, the Joke Joint.
Speaker 3: And it was I've never been there.
Speaker 2: It was, yeah, don't I'm gonna and they might be listening.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, you're sweet, lady Rachel, but I, uh, well,
Speaker 4: I really have hurt my feelings every night, and I'm like,
Speaker 4: I'm certainly not.
Speaker 2: Going to get a sitcom coming.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I guess you're right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's hard to know you have to do both,
Speaker 2: though I.
Speaker 1: Do know that it honestly seems like these days, like
Speaker 1: in la if you're in a living room show, the
Speaker 1: odds that there's some young assistant to a highly powered
Speaker 1: person sitting in that audience in.
Speaker 3: The living room.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like that's I swear to god. There's people where
Speaker 1: it's just like, oh I saw you at this thing,
Speaker 1: or I'm like, why in God's name would you be there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And it's because they, as their job, go to just
Speaker 1: places around town and they go to like hip things.
Speaker 3: Yeah. See, I don't I don't need to get paid
Speaker 3: to do a living room room show because I have
Speaker 3: an ass full of diamonds right now. But most people,
Speaker 3: I feel like, you know, you see some of these
Speaker 3: young youngsters and they you know, it'd be nice if
Speaker 3: not only maybe there's an executive there, but they got
Speaker 3: twenty dollars.
Speaker 1: I know. Sometimes they do some shows, right.
Speaker 4: It's funny because I would think it would happen all
Speaker 4: the time. Oh, we're just three minutes from your house.
Speaker 3: I know, Well we could go around that. You could
Speaker 3: go around the block if you want.
Speaker 2: To, Sure, we must. I mean I want to talk more.
Speaker 3: I don't mind talking. But if we sit getting the driveway,
Speaker 3: my wife will come out and maybe come in the house.
Speaker 3: I can promise you that most of them.
Speaker 4: Most most most drop offs we've had, they we come
Speaker 4: home to an wife that is angry and coming out
Speaker 4: with her hair and curlers.
Speaker 1: Rolling pins.
Speaker 3: I wish to get my wife would fucking get busy
Speaker 3: with that rolling pin. That would be so happy. I mean,
Speaker 3: the only thing she uses that thing for is to
Speaker 3: chase me around.
Speaker 1: Not a pie in sight, No handsome's house, get about it.
Speaker 1: Remember when we were in Sacramento together. Well I wasn't
Speaker 1: really on the show, I think, but it was Dave
Speaker 1: Anthony was opening for you and we get to hang
Speaker 1: out for a weekend. Now this was back in the nineties.
Speaker 3: Uh, this is just Dave's favorite show.
Speaker 1: What this podcast?
Speaker 3: No? I worked with Dave and Sacramento one time, and
Speaker 3: he's told the show on my podcast a couple of times,
Speaker 3: and I don't know if he's If you're thinking about
Speaker 3: this story where there's a group of young people in
Speaker 3: the audience that are kind of handicapped and Dave doesn't
Speaker 3: realize it, and they're kind of talking to each other
Speaker 3: and doing some making some noises that are that are
Speaker 3: kind of enthusiastic, and they're supporting and they're really enjoying
Speaker 3: the show. Dave says something to him once and then
Speaker 3: they say something again. He goes, what do you retarded?
Speaker 3: And the whole rest of the crowd goes, oh my god.
Speaker 3: Of course they didn't care. The kids didn't care. They
Speaker 3: were having a good time. And he meant it as
Speaker 3: a joke. He didn't mean it as a mean thing,
Speaker 3: but he was so more fun.
Speaker 4: I've had the exact same thing happened at Cap City
Speaker 4: when I when I lived in Austin. There's people in
Speaker 4: the back and they were laughing, and I annoyed they
Speaker 4: were rather than laughing, they're just making an outburst. And
Speaker 4: I didn't say I think I said something a little
Speaker 4: lighter than retarded, but the entire audience was like, whoa
Speaker 4: should I go here?
Speaker 3: We're actually the other way back? Yeah yeah, yeah, but
Speaker 3: that's okay, So take the left whenever you well, or
Speaker 3: you can go up and take a rite and come
Speaker 3: back to here and then go back.
Speaker 1: I like that. I like that. So sorry you called
Speaker 1: them a name like return.
Speaker 2: I said, I feel like, now maybe I think what
Speaker 2: I may have said the word retarded.
Speaker 3: It's I know, we're not supposed to say retarded, but
Speaker 3: I don't think anyone ever says retarded when they're talking
Speaker 3: about a handicapped person. I only use that word when
Speaker 3: they're talking about one of their friends is kind of
Speaker 3: being dopey, yeah.
Speaker 2: Or or that my bumper keeps coming off of my
Speaker 2: my car is so retarded.
Speaker 3: I'll tell you, well, like would be much more insulting
Speaker 3: to say to someone, look are you someone who was
Speaker 3: a competent person? Look what are you learning? Disaybled? That
Speaker 3: seems more insulting, right, because now you're talking about a
Speaker 3: real thing that you would say.
Speaker 2: I don't know, it's more clinical.
Speaker 3: I guess we're not going to get to the bottom
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 1: It's accurate, you know. And it's accurate though, but it's
Speaker 1: unfortunately accurate because there are people who identify that it's
Speaker 1: not a bad thing that they are retarded or handicapped
Speaker 1: mentally handicapped. But Jeff uh no, I can't remember.
Speaker 3: It's a game shot. I'll start giving hinds.
Speaker 1: He's the one that's on Career.
Speaker 3: Enthusiasm, okay, and he Jeff Garlett Garlic, Yes do you
Speaker 3: think you? Oh, I could have Where's the Crazies on
Speaker 3: that other show with this crazy sweaters.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's on Crazy and he has a whole bit
Speaker 1: about how retarded is the one word that's like that
Speaker 1: that we should be allowed to say because it's so accurate.
Speaker 1: It is because when you want to call someone retarded,
Speaker 1: it's because they're being retarded.
Speaker 2: I want and I just I only say it when
Speaker 2: I'm talking about putting out a.
Speaker 1: Fire, or slowing down a fire like.
Speaker 2: A fire, or slow or bringing a conversation.
Speaker 3: To a halt like I can can conversation retardant yea
Speaker 3: thank you.
Speaker 4: I just wanted someone else to use it in a sentence.
Speaker 4: But it's okay if you say mentally. As soon as
Speaker 4: you take out the word mentally.
Speaker 3: I don't even think we know this. I think again,
Speaker 3: we're in some deep water here. We don't really know
Speaker 3: what we're talking about.
Speaker 2: Were either in deep water or on thin ice.
Speaker 3: But either way, my dream is for us to start
Speaker 3: getting letters do people even write them anymore?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they come through the sun riffs, insane.
Speaker 4: I want to get an angry letter. I've gotten some
Speaker 4: angry emails. You did nothing into your show tonight, and
Speaker 4: you got angry at the man heckling.
Speaker 3: I don't believe.
Speaker 2: I found you very unprofessional.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that was the letter that you got.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, And then I threw some deduction. I found
Speaker 4: out it was the owner's wife, a woman who was
Speaker 4: pregnant and drinking a beer.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well this is the other thing that I think
Speaker 3: we need to lighten up on. I think it's okay
Speaker 3: for pregnant ladies to have a glass of wine every.
Speaker 1: Once in a while.
Speaker 2: Pep are getting so beer nowadays, people are having nine
Speaker 2: ten pounds infants.
Speaker 3: I just got off a plane, so tell me about it.
Speaker 3: You know, there are some big human beings and maybe
Speaker 3: a couple of drinks during pregnancy could solve this profitttle bit.
Speaker 3: I'm sing that song, sing the dangers. Okay. So what
Speaker 3: you wanted to do was go up and get on
Speaker 3: that ramp up there, But that's okay. You can take
Speaker 3: a right turn down at the corner.
Speaker 2: We are just making sure we have exactly an hour
Speaker 2: and ten minutes.
Speaker 3: It's the greatest. This is a great You can't even
Speaker 3: turn there, yeah, so take all you can't. This is
Speaker 3: one way the wrong way, so yeah, you're gonna have
Speaker 3: to take it right here and then go back. Just
Speaker 3: take it right on main Street.
Speaker 2: That's a one way we did.
Speaker 4: He don't matter, no matter what we say, do not
Speaker 4: go the wrong way in a one way street. Yeah,
Speaker 4: although kind of convenient if you, no matter what I say,
Speaker 4: not untie me.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's nice to live out here.
Speaker 2: Isn't it the best?
Speaker 3: It is? I moved out here a long time ago
Speaker 3: after after I did a pilot that didn't go and
Speaker 3: I thought, well, I'm gonna move by the beach so
Speaker 3: I have sanity. And it's really worked, but it sort
Speaker 3: of put a real kind of damper on drive. Wanted
Speaker 3: to drive over.
Speaker 4: As I'm constantly going back and forth. I love waking
Speaker 4: up over here. I feel like I when I the
Speaker 4: brief period I was in West Hollywood, I was overwhelmed
Speaker 4: with everything, and I.
Speaker 3: Come over here.
Speaker 2: Do you just go to the beach for no reason?
Speaker 3: We go surfing down there? My wife and I. You
Speaker 3: just come with us? Why aren't we hanging out more. Chris,
Speaker 3: this is what I want to know. I have.
Speaker 2: I got a I got a surfboard from uh from Costco,
Speaker 2: and then I have a little one that I'm horrible on.
Speaker 2: But I like surfing.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, we can go to the beach, we can
Speaker 3: go have coffee.
Speaker 4: I absolutely want to do that. There's not a lot
Speaker 4: of West Side friends.
Speaker 1: I mean, I am still in the car that you know.
Speaker 3: Well you Karen, come on, you're invited. If you would
Speaker 3: just ditch that ridiculous day job you've got held us back.
Speaker 3: We could have done this podcast two months ago if
Speaker 3: it wasn't for you.
Speaker 2: You're stupid Page And there you're homeowning in the valley
Speaker 2: house in the valley valley for I don't know. I
Speaker 2: don't know any furniture. I'll tell you that if that
Speaker 2: was your next question.
Speaker 1: I live in an empty house.
Speaker 2: An empty house.
Speaker 1: It's an art project.
Speaker 2: The only furniture is for the dogs.
Speaker 3: Do you have a are you a relationship? Is that
Speaker 3: going on?
Speaker 1: I'm out of a release.
Speaker 3: You can turn right if you want.
Speaker 4: Oh, please don't hit that incredibly attractive young lady.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of there's a lot of attractive people
Speaker 3: here by the beach. I think you'll find that. Yes, yes,
Speaker 3: and you move out here, Karen.
Speaker 1: When we all get a locked out here, I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm ready for a clubhouse in my life. We
Speaker 1: could start our own comedy show at the clubhouse.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm down. You want to go right up to
Speaker 3: the next block and then you can turn right, or
Speaker 3: you can pull over if you want to just chat
Speaker 3: for a little while.
Speaker 2: First, when was your pilot that you were talking about there?
Speaker 3: Oh, that was that one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've had some O that's crazy.
Speaker 3: I have not. I've been to the plate a number
Speaker 3: of times. I had a pilot that was in nineteen
Speaker 3: right after I got to town eighty seven eight, and
Speaker 3: it was all visitors and fish and it didn't go.
Speaker 3: It was this is the story of that disappointment. Brandon
Speaker 3: Tartagoff was the This is the one. He was the
Speaker 3: president of the network at the time, and his daughter
Speaker 3: was in a I can't remember if this was this
Speaker 3: one or the next one, but I think it was
Speaker 3: this one. He was in a car accident when his
Speaker 3: daughter was in a car accident, so he was kind
Speaker 3: of off the scene. The show got developed. Then when
Speaker 3: the show was done he was kind of back and
Speaker 3: he goes, no, no, this isn't what I said. I
Speaker 3: wanted to make No, we're not doing this. And then
Speaker 3: there was the writer's strike, and then the showy they
Speaker 3: called up and said, look, they don't have anything to
Speaker 3: put on television, so they're going to air the pilot.
Speaker 3: They're not picking up, but it's going to be on TV.
Speaker 3: And then the writer's strike ended. Oh no, no, it's
Speaker 3: not TV.
Speaker 1: That's just so that was like a triple jerk around.
Speaker 3: It was a well I don't I wasn't counting, but yeah,
Speaker 3: I think you're right. It sounds like a triple.
Speaker 1: It sounds like a triple.
Speaker 3: I did another one for Fox where it was it
Speaker 3: was this presentation. It was during when they were like,
Speaker 3: we're not doing pilots anymore because pilots you got to
Speaker 3: pay people like double what they would get to if
Speaker 3: you was an episode of the show. So instead we're
Speaker 3: going to do presentations, which is we'll put it up
Speaker 3: like a theater play. Yeah, and then we'll just decide
Speaker 3: if we want it based on that. And then they
Speaker 3: and I said, okay, well it seems kind of crappy
Speaker 3: because now they're going to pay you a tenth of
Speaker 3: what you would get for a pilot.
Speaker 2: So you do it on stage like somewhere.
Speaker 3: They rehearse it for a week as if it was
Speaker 3: an actual they were going to shoot it, but then
Speaker 3: then and then they said, well, you know what, we
Speaker 3: are going to shoot it just because maybe everybody can't
Speaker 3: be there to watch it, so we're going to shoot it.
Speaker 3: But it's not a pilot. And then my manager said, well,
Speaker 3: you can't shoot it if you're going to do that,
Speaker 3: and they said, okay, well we don't what about VHS
Speaker 3: And he goes, no.
Speaker 1: You can't move about a courtroom artist.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, So the so the schedule that one I
Speaker 3: did with Tom Thomas, Thomas F. Wilson, my friend Tom Wilson.
Speaker 2: Oh, yes, a lot of people know him from Back
Speaker 2: to the Future.
Speaker 3: Yeah, which ya, I don't even like to say that
Speaker 3: because he's not He's done so many other great things
Speaker 3: and it's not his favorite thing. But that's maybe he
Speaker 3: would bring it up. It's a great role everyone because
Speaker 3: he can't help it because.
Speaker 1: Everybody he has to say.
Speaker 3: They want to put that saddle on him and ride
Speaker 3: him around like it's their birthday. So but he and
Speaker 3: I are doing this thing, and it was so much fun.
Speaker 3: And then and Peter Bonners, you know the guy, the
Speaker 3: guy from the Bob Newhart Show. That was the guy
Speaker 3: who directed it. It was a really fun week. And
Speaker 3: then were they were going to do the presentation on Friday,
Speaker 3: but not going to videotape because all the executives are
Speaker 3: going to show up and it was raining, like it
Speaker 3: was a brutal raining night, and so some of the
Speaker 3: executive showed up, but not all of them. Barry Diller
Speaker 3: was the head of Fox. He did not show up
Speaker 3: on that Friday. Monday, he announced he was leaving Fox
Speaker 3: to go to QBC. Oh god. Yeah, So that is
Speaker 3: the second in my series of Hollywood nut punch.
Speaker 2: Now that that was definitely three multi directional.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel that didn't feel super good, but it was.
Speaker 2: I was definitely counting those punches. It just won to
Speaker 2: each night, I think traditionally is how that goes in Hollywood.
Speaker 2: Dual simultaneous. Well, I would maybe I'll ride a pilot.
Speaker 2: Do you want to be in my We're Teachers to
Speaker 2: Solve here's my pilot.
Speaker 3: It's all child. Child murders are very hot right now.
Speaker 3: I meant British drama shows are all about there's a
Speaker 3: dead child and let's get to the bottom of it.
Speaker 3: And then did you watch broad Church? Yes, spoiler alert,
Speaker 3: everyone in that town is a pedophile. It's it's a
Speaker 3: little tiny town and everybody's fucking kids are in love
Speaker 3: with them.
Speaker 2: It's English. Yeah, yeah when I did stand up.
Speaker 4: I haven't gone to the UK a bunch, but I
Speaker 4: did uh a club in Manchester and every comic there.
Speaker 3: Had pedo file pedophile. Yeah yeah. They it's like, oh,
Speaker 3: that's how they say it over there, and.
Speaker 2: They all laugh. They're like, oh, that's my favorite thing
Speaker 2: to make fun of, whereas here people are kind of like, hey,
Speaker 2: that's serious. I had a nephew. Yeah that got shown
Speaker 2: something in a pool house and then so that's it's
Speaker 2: off limits. But in the UK they it's pedophile, this
Speaker 2: pedophile that well, because they're all pedophiles, So you can't.
Speaker 1: Can anybody want to hear my pitch from my oh
Speaker 1: my pilot?
Speaker 3: Are we are we in it?
Speaker 1: Yeah? It's called pool house. Okay, you guys both work
Speaker 1: there and there's okay, there's a cowl boys in the poolhouse.
Speaker 2: Okay, and it's mostly kids.
Speaker 1: It's just every week, a different kid who wanders in,
Speaker 1: and then you take them away, and then a curtain
Speaker 1: will blow.
Speaker 2: I think i'd wire of that. Okay, but I'm not.
Speaker 3: This. You've just described just the first you know, what
Speaker 3: do they call that first two minutes before the show starts?
Speaker 3: Kind of ever, this is just a cold open, yes,
Speaker 3: and then what happens afterwards.
Speaker 1: Will murder that kid? Okay, and then whatever else you want.
Speaker 3: I mean, like, I feel like most popular when they
Speaker 3: it's the people who are the main characters of the
Speaker 3: people who catch the murderer, not the act. I mean,
Speaker 3: you're the one with a TV writing job.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. I think you both need to be
Speaker 1: willing and brave just to be an unlikable character every
Speaker 1: once in a while.
Speaker 2: But ask the star. Yeah, we're talking about it.
Speaker 3: Even been listening to this episode, I feel like we've
Speaker 3: all been taking turns being unlikable.
Speaker 1: We're about as unlikable as you can get.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the retarge.
Speaker 4: That was terrific. Well, let's face it, we're at your place.
Speaker 4: We're sitting in a turned off car.
Speaker 3: Well, we can start up. We're actually a few blocks away,
Speaker 3: so we can drive. Yeah, we're not here. No, we're
Speaker 3: not here. I told you. If we were, I said
Speaker 3: to pull over so we could talk a little bit more.
Speaker 3: If we pull into my driveway, my wife is going
Speaker 3: to come out. No, I mean, she's a character.
Speaker 1: But Hanson will be on. She could jump in.
Speaker 3: She said she was going to take my name, and
Speaker 3: then she didn't.
Speaker 1: She didn't do it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it's not like a bone of contention, but
Speaker 3: it's just a factual thing that we've been married for
Speaker 3: going on, it'll be twelve years and that October that's
Speaker 3: did you hear my phone? That's that's her texting me
Speaker 3: where are you my love? That's what she says.
Speaker 2: To come out, just stroller a blaze.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe if you print up the paperwork and just put
Speaker 1: it on her desk, make it easy for her.
Speaker 3: What's the paperwork for her name change?
Speaker 2: Maybe it's the clerical stuff and going.
Speaker 1: She doesn't like paper.
Speaker 3: She might have done that.
Speaker 2: You know her, Well, it sounds like Karen, I know her.
Speaker 3: That's what's stopping me from a lot of things too,
Speaker 3: is the paper Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, the living room comedy show paperwork that you don't
Speaker 1: want to get.
Speaker 2: Certainly, the reason I even't paid my taxes in five years.
Speaker 2: We got to be coming close here.
Speaker 3: It's just will you go over this next thing? And
Speaker 3: then it's on the right. Oh I remember, now what
Speaker 3: do you remember from?
Speaker 1: Well, right past your house?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: I know, I got.
Speaker 3: My friend is now managing her. Her name is Melanie. Yeah,
Speaker 3: my friend is managing her. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Does she have another hit?
Speaker 3: She's still rocking it out. I can't remember her other hits,
Speaker 3: but yeah she has. She's had a couple of hits.
Speaker 3: I didn't know that she's still doing it. Take take
Speaker 3: a take. Well, no, there's someone in the driveway right there,
Speaker 3: right there, Yeah, no, next to the one with a
Speaker 3: silver car. That one back a droopy.
Speaker 2: It's almost like it's melting. I love it.
Speaker 3: Okay, No, I'm I'm did you see where that blue
Speaker 3: car is over there? I'm in the one next to
Speaker 3: that behind the other kind of sage greeny one.
Speaker 1: Do you want me to back up and go back
Speaker 1: over there?
Speaker 3: Well you can, Okay, she's fine, Hi, she was.
Speaker 2: She really has a curious look on her face.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well she is a curious person. She's probably coming
Speaker 3: out because that might be someone in one of her
Speaker 3: friend's car, or maybe she's mad at the person who
Speaker 3: left the car. She lives in this building where that
Speaker 3: driveway goes to, or that building this not in this
Speaker 3: this building that we're parked in. I don't know the
Speaker 3: people who live here that much. Could belocking somebody, Well,
Speaker 3: they'll but they'll either be in the road or they'll
Speaker 3: come up this driveway and they'll have an angry look
Speaker 3: on the In the neighborhood, Buil lives behind that building.
Speaker 3: Really famous. His default mode is to just start every
Speaker 3: time something's a problem, he just starts yelling at you.
Speaker 3: His life. You know how they say you make your
Speaker 3: own world. You know, he's the star of that.
Speaker 4: Oh wow, Well, certainly the look on her face could
Speaker 4: be confused for her angry.
Speaker 2: I don't It might be.
Speaker 3: Just her resting thing to do with us.
Speaker 4: But yeah, it's probably just a lifetime of being mistreated.
Speaker 1: I bet it's that jean jacket.
Speaker 2: It's a tiny It might be the fringe on that
Speaker 2: skirt that's making her angry. It's just the denim on
Speaker 2: denim that she has going.
Speaker 3: And you don't even know what kind of undergarments she's
Speaker 3: gonna sometimes just.
Speaker 2: Big floppy granny bloomers just have a windsock.
Speaker 3: I was thinking more of kind of a religious kind
Speaker 3: of like there's a tight thing or some magic underwear.
Speaker 2: She just drapes a sheet with a hole in it
Speaker 2: around her waist.
Speaker 1: Or it's chain mail the rent fair. I don't need
Speaker 1: her permission.
Speaker 2: She has a chest.
Speaker 1: Okay, Jake, what any plugs?
Speaker 3: And yeah? When is this going to be coming out?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 2: Here's what the next Monday.
Speaker 3: Here's what I can say to you people listening to this.
Speaker 3: I've got a comedy special that you can download. It's
Speaker 3: five dollars and you can download it from my website. Jake.
Speaker 3: This dot com and that's my website, so you can
Speaker 3: find out where.
Speaker 1: I'm playing dot com. What's the comedy special? What's the title?
Speaker 3: It's called Pictures of My Dinner.
Speaker 2: I love that name.
Speaker 1: I'm going to watch that.
Speaker 2: You also have other ones. You have a love you on?
Speaker 2: You can watch it on Netflix.
Speaker 3: No, you can't anymore.
Speaker 2: They really watched it on there.
Speaker 3: I know they pull this is. Do you want to
Speaker 3: hear about another kind of way that show bis disappoint you. Yes,
Speaker 3: they can stop having you on Netflix. I didn't know
Speaker 3: that they could do that, but I was like, what happened,
Speaker 3: and not only do they take the special off, but
Speaker 3: they remove all the reviews and the record of it
Speaker 3: being on there. So so for a while it was
Speaker 3: like you could go on and you could say, well,
Speaker 3: if this ever comes back, I want to watch it,
Speaker 3: or you could read reviews that people have written though
Speaker 3: how about it? But it was on for three years
Speaker 3: and then and now it's not. But I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 3: gonna put that.
Speaker 2: Up for a digital take that personally it hurts, instead
Speaker 2: of charge five bucks for that one since it's the
Speaker 2: old one for free on I.
Speaker 3: Thought I thought you were going to suggest ten dollars.
Speaker 3: I mean money, money is really kind.
Speaker 2: Of classic, okay, seven, it's.
Speaker 3: All a technicality. Now that I'm I've got these diamonds, so.
Speaker 1: Everything is now your whole world has shifted dramatically.
Speaker 3: I know it's all for fun. Now everything is for fun.
Speaker 3: It's great. I can't wait to see you guys at
Speaker 3: the living room show that we're going to do. Why
Speaker 3: don't we buy a house that we just do living
Speaker 3: room shows and nobody even lives there.
Speaker 2: I mean, if you make the down payment, you're the
Speaker 2: one that's shipping money.
Speaker 3: We'll fill the basement up with dead children.
Speaker 1: A dream house, you dream.
Speaker 3: House, a little place. It's just for us.
Speaker 1: And our predilection.
Speaker 3: I didn't think this was going to be that much fun.
Speaker 1: Kinding it a little bit.
Speaker 3: No, I was excited about it, but but I really didn't.
Speaker 3: This was more fun than I thought.
Speaker 2: I'm glad that you're saying that, and I'm glad I
Speaker 2: hope that it was better than the cab. Right it
Speaker 2: certainly I'm going to just go ahead.
Speaker 3: Oh, this beats the crap out of a cab. What
Speaker 3: do I owe you?
Speaker 1: No cologne? Starting with no cologne, and then we actually
Speaker 1: knew how to get to your house.
Speaker 3: The payment sort of we spiraled in, but we did it, you.
Speaker 1: Know, roundabout way.
Speaker 2: The payment is in, having made you've paid us and laughs.
Speaker 3: If you want to go, if you want to park
Speaker 3: at my driveway, you can come in and meet my wife.
Speaker 3: If you want to thank you. No, I didn't like so, okay.
Speaker 2: I'm a little nervous. Just anyone in Curlers Wheel.
Speaker 3: It's not really where you made that up. That's not
Speaker 3: who she really is.
Speaker 2: But retracing my that was my whole.
Speaker 1: I'm catching her is pet from Andy Cap and I
Speaker 1: don't want any part of it.
Speaker 2: I should. That pet for Andy Cap makes me want
Speaker 2: to take a face for a nap on a couch, remember,
Speaker 2: like nap on his face. Yeah, he was drunk, he
Speaker 2: was abusive.
Speaker 1: It was a terrible drunk.
Speaker 3: On h O n. I don't remember Andy Capp as
Speaker 3: well as you guys do. And you're younger than me too.
Speaker 3: That's it's weird. It's very it's a turnabout thing that's happened.
Speaker 1: Turn around. Well, Jake, I'm gonna I'm going to make
Speaker 1: you do low key shows in Hollywood.
Speaker 3: Okay, I want to. Okay, it is We're done now right.
Speaker 3: I keep thinking like I should put this down, but
Speaker 3: then it's not really over. But it is over, right,
Speaker 3: isn't it. Okay, we're going to get out.
Speaker 1: Here's you do the sign off. We will Okay, you're
Speaker 1: trying to say something, Jake, thank you.
Speaker 2: For being on the show. We've very much enjoyed you.
Speaker 2: This is my conclusionary voice you've been listening to. Do
Speaker 2: you need a ride? D y n Air