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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you do not know

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Speaker 1: what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you,

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Speaker 1: guys the listeners, send to me and you can send

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Speaker 1: those to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: I try to answer one question a week, and I

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Speaker 1: always keep them anonymous. The only thing that I ask

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Speaker 1: of you, guys is if there's something that you don't

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Speaker 1: want to be read in the actual episode, please either

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Speaker 1: let me know or just don't put it in there,

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Speaker 1: or change the information around enough so like names and

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Speaker 1: stuff like that, so then you can send these in

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Speaker 1: and feel really good and you can feel safe about

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Speaker 1: me reading them. So I can answer them now. Now,

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Speaker 1: even though I am answering your questions, I also want

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Speaker 1: to remind everybody that this podcast does not serve as

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Speaker 1: a replacement or substitute for any actual mental health services. However,

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Speaker 1: the hope is that this still can help in some

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Speaker 1: way on whatever journey you're on now. The question that

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Speaker 1: we are reading today, I hope. My hope is that

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Speaker 1: this still can be helpful for the person writing it

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Speaker 1: in I wish I could have gotten this one out

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Speaker 1: a little earlier because it's talking about some time sensitive decisions,

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Speaker 1: but I did still want to read it regardless, because

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Speaker 1: it's something that I think a lot of people will

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Speaker 1: be able to relate to, and just it's a common

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Speaker 1: thing that is difficult to kind of process, and we

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Speaker 1: can make it a bigger deal than it has to be,

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Speaker 1: and so I wanted to give it some space on

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Speaker 1: the podcast. So I'm going to read the question in

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Speaker 1: the email and then we'll talk about it. So here

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Speaker 1: it is. Hey, Kat, I've been dating my partner for

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Speaker 1: about six months, and we would both agree that things

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Speaker 1: are pretty serious. We moved in together in November and

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Speaker 1: we've been talking about getting engaged in the next couple

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Speaker 1: of months. We live in the same area as my parents,

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Speaker 1: but his family lives out of state, and I'm having

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Speaker 1: a hard time deciding what to do for Christmas this year.

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Speaker 1: He has obviously spent a lot more time with my

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Speaker 1: family because we are closer, and I feel like I

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Speaker 1: owe him time with his family. Also, I do want

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Speaker 1: to get to know his family better. We actually both

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Speaker 1: spent Thanksgiving a part with our respective families, but that

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Speaker 1: was mainly because I have a job that didn't allow

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Speaker 1: me to travel during that week and we didn't really

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Speaker 1: talk about that decision strategically. Now he wants me to

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Speaker 1: go to his families for Christmas, as there are certain

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Speaker 1: family members of his that I haven't even met yet.

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Speaker 1: But if I'm being honest, I don't want to. And

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Speaker 1: I mean I really don't want to. If we end

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Speaker 1: up getting engaged this year, this could be my last

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Speaker 1: Christmas to spend with my family as a somewhat single

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Speaker 1: person before I'm engaged or possibly even married, and I

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Speaker 1: would like to take advantage of that. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to miss out on the parts of the holiday that

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Speaker 1: I love so much, especially if I'm going to have

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Speaker 1: to compromise those things during the holidays for the rest

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Speaker 1: of my life. I am hoping that you can help

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Speaker 1: me figure out what the best thing to do here is.

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Speaker 1: And if I'm just being totally selfish, thanks, Okay. So

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Speaker 1: I just really love this email, and I love this question.

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Speaker 1: I don't love that you're struggling with the decision, but

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Speaker 1: this is something that so many people can relate to

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Speaker 1: and it's I mean, it's difficult. I want to start

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Speaker 1: with before we get into the difficulty set, this is

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Speaker 1: a fun and exciting problem to have if we think

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Speaker 1: it about it a certain way. It doesn't mean you

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Speaker 1: have to be grateful for everything, and if you have

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Speaker 1: to be grateful for having this be something you're dealing with.

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Speaker 1: But it does mean that there are some good things

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Speaker 1: in your life, and there are some things that you're

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Speaker 1: looking forward to. Now with those things, there's also some

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Speaker 1: things you're not looking forward to. And for the sake

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Speaker 1: of your question and the decision, we're going to talk

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Speaker 1: about that right now. So where my mind goes initially

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Speaker 1: here is when we are in healthy relationships, there is

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Speaker 1: no rush. And I don't mean like your relationship is

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Speaker 1: unhealthy because you're moving too fast, because the pace of

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Speaker 1: a relationship is really relative to our histories of relationships,

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Speaker 1: our age, how what we know each other, what our needs.

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Speaker 1: That's not really what I'm getting at here. What I

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Speaker 1: mean is that if this is a forever type of relationship,

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Speaker 1: there's no rush to hurry up and do all of

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Speaker 1: the things that eventually you are going to do when

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Speaker 1: it comes to meeting family, developing those kind of relationships

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Speaker 1: starting certain traditions, Like you're allowed to take time where

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Speaker 1: you want to take time. It doesn't mean you have

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Speaker 1: to take time with every single thing, but you're allowed

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Speaker 1: to do that. And I want to offer you the

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Speaker 1: ability to offer yourself some permission to slow things down

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Speaker 1: in certain areas. Not everything has to move that exactly

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Speaker 1: the same pace. Just because you live together. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean you guys have to do these other things. You

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Speaker 1: can take those things in the time that you want

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Speaker 1: to take them. And essentially, it sounds like you're going

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Speaker 1: to have a lot of time in your future to

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Speaker 1: meet the entire family, and I just want you to

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Speaker 1: take space to acknowledge that. And like I said before,

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Speaker 1: with change, there's always grief, And even when the change

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Speaker 1: is good, there can be grief when the change is

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Speaker 1: finding a new partner. There's grief in the life and

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Speaker 1: the traditions that you might be leaving behind, like you said,

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Speaker 1: as a single person, or that you might be leaving

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Speaker 1: behind in your old family unit. So you're moving from

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Speaker 1: being really connected with your kind of family of origin

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Speaker 1: that you grew up with to then developing and starting

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Speaker 1: your own and that is very exciting and there's loss

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Speaker 1: in that, and I think it's super fair to want

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Speaker 1: to savor parts of your life that you know are

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Speaker 1: going to inevitably change and shift, especially if you know

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Speaker 1: those are going to be shifting in the near future.

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Speaker 1: Your partner can be sad and bummed and disappointed and

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Speaker 1: not getting to share the holidays with you, and at

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Speaker 1: the same time understand your decision and be able to

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Speaker 1: reconcile that decision and respect it. So I don't know

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Speaker 1: if there's been conversations about that with you. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you guys have sat down and talked about

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Speaker 1: what it would be like to not do that. But

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Speaker 1: I want you to also leave space for him to

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Speaker 1: be sad and understanding those things can happen simultaneously. The

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Speaker 1: other part of this is have there been conversations about, well,

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Speaker 1: if I don't do this, is there something else I

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Speaker 1: can do? Like if I don't go to Christmas with

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Speaker 1: your family, how about next year we spend Christmas with

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Speaker 1: your family? And if you really want me to meet

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Speaker 1: certain people, let's plan a weekend to go do that.

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Speaker 1: Let's sit down and talk about when a good time

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Speaker 1: would do that. It might not be exactly the same

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Speaker 1: but it lets you, guys, both compromise and be seen

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Speaker 1: and both of your needs and desires kind of be

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Speaker 1: heard and taken into account. So I just would really

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Speaker 1: encourage you to also look at is there space to

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Speaker 1: meet in the middle. It doesn't always have to be

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Speaker 1: he gets his way, she gets his way, she gets

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Speaker 1: her away, she gets her away. It can be we

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Speaker 1: both get a little bit of our way, you know.

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Speaker 1: And again you have it sounds like years, maybe possibly

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Speaker 1: the rest of your lives to spend swapping the holidays.

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Speaker 1: And sure, you can call it selfish that you are

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Speaker 1: wanting to savor this last year with your family. You

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Speaker 1: can call that selfish. It can be labeled selfish. Sure,

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Speaker 1: let's just say that that is what is happening, and

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Speaker 1: that doesn't have to be negative. I think that specifically,

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Speaker 1: women are expected to be selfless when it comes to

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Speaker 1: our relationships and our desires and families. And I don't

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Speaker 1: believe that's always reasonable or fair. And while life's not

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Speaker 1: always fair, I think that we can push back on

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Speaker 1: this a little bit. You're not saying that you don't

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Speaker 1: want to meet his family. You're not saying you don't

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Speaker 1: care about his family. You're not saying you don't care

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Speaker 1: about him. None of that is what you're saying. You're

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Speaker 1: saying that you care about savoring a part of your

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Speaker 1: life that eventually will change, and you're willing to change

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Speaker 1: that for him, And let's actually lay that out there

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Speaker 1: and pay attention to that as well well. So, again,

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Speaker 1: being selfish is not always a bad thing. We don't

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Speaker 1: have to show up as selfless in order to be

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Speaker 1: good or in the okay zone. You're allowed to care

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Speaker 1: about things, and you're allowed to ask for what you

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Speaker 1: need too. And I would hate for you to go

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Speaker 1: into a relationship or go into an engagement or something

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Speaker 1: like that where you feel guilt or shame for acknowledging

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Speaker 1: your needs and your desires that might not always match

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Speaker 1: up with your partner, because moving forward, there's going to

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Speaker 1: be multiple things like that that show up. And I'm

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Speaker 1: sure you've bumped into that already in your relationship, especially

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Speaker 1: moving in with somebody. I believe that if you offer

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Speaker 1: some alternatives to meet his family, if that's what's really

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Speaker 1: important to him, and you share with him really the

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Speaker 1: heart of what's going on with you, if your relationship

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Speaker 1: is healthy and your partner is supportive and caring, then

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Speaker 1: you will be okay. It doesn't mean everybody will just

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Speaker 1: be totally happy and thrilled with a decision. Again, people

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Speaker 1: can be disappointed, and it doesn't mean that it's bad

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Speaker 1: what you did or decided or what you wanted. People

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Speaker 1: can have feelings about it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

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Speaker 1: I can be sad about something and also really understand

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Speaker 1: somebody and really honor them and appreciate them for sharing

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Speaker 1: something with me, and also be sad like that can

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Speaker 1: all exists at the same time. So really pay attention

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Speaker 1: if this dissonance with deciding what to do or not

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Speaker 1: knowing what is the right thing to do is centered

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Speaker 1: around not wanting anybody to have uncomfortable feelings. People can

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Speaker 1: have uncomfortable feelings and it doesn't have to mean anything

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Speaker 1: other than they're having uncomfortable feelings. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: be some kind of martyr in this situation, because adults

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Speaker 1: can also take care of themselves when they have uncomfortable feelings,

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Speaker 1: I believe, especially if we're in healthy places. So thank

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Speaker 1: you for sending this in. I hope that it can

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Speaker 1: be helpful for you, even though you may have already

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Speaker 1: decided what to do. You can also apply this stuff

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Speaker 1: to other situations that might come up in your lives.

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Speaker 1: So remember that if you guys want to send in questions,

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Speaker 1: you can do that Catherine at You Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 1: You can follow us at you Need Therapy Podcasts and

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Speaker 1: at Cat dot Defada on Instagram. And next week will

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Speaker 1: be the last week before I take a little holiday break.

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Speaker 1: So next week we'll have one new Monday episode and

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Speaker 1: one new Couch Talks, and then I'll be kind of

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Speaker 1: throwing out some of my favorite episodes from the past

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Speaker 1: that you guys can catch up on. So if you

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Speaker 1: have a question you really want me to answer before

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Speaker 1: next year, send that Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. Until then, I hope you guys have the

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Speaker 1: day you need to have. Bye.