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Speaker 1: Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.

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Speaker 1: But if you want to binge the whole season right now,

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Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.

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Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.

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Speaker 2: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely

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Speaker 2: those of the podcast author or individuals participating in the podcast,

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Speaker 2: and do not represent those of tenderfoot TV or their employees.

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Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or

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Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact

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Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.

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Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 3: Why ye are you thirty five?

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Speaker 4: Are you dirty? Sick?

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Speaker 3: Are you thirty sack?

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Speaker 1: Wow? It's my birthday and you can tell from my

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Speaker 1: voice that I am not as excited to turn thirty

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Speaker 1: eight as my nephews are. I thought my life would

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Speaker 1: look pretty different. My younger self would have guessed that

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Speaker 1: i'd be married by now, not single and newly unemployed,

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Speaker 1: having just burned out of the tech career. I'd spent

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Speaker 1: so much of my life building. I remember birthdays as

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Speaker 1: a kid. When I turned seven, my dad taught me

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Speaker 1: how to ride a bike for the first time. Life was,

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Speaker 1: in some ways so much simpler, but still kind of terrifying.

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Speaker 1: I grew up in the Catholic Church, and not just

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Speaker 1: the occasional Sunday Mass. As a kid and throughout my

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Speaker 1: early adult years, I actually wanted to become a priest.

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Speaker 1: This might sound intense, but for Catholics, the purpose of

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Speaker 1: life isn't to become a good person or even to

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Speaker 1: become a priest, but it's to become a saint. Saints,

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Speaker 1: they said, were united with the people here on earth

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Speaker 1: from beyond the grave in a kind of mystical way.

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Speaker 1: At first, this scared me, thinking about the dad having

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Speaker 1: an influence on the living. But the saints they wanted

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Speaker 1: to help us. I remember praying to Saint Anthony when

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Speaker 1: I couldn't find my pencil case, and he totally came through.

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Speaker 1: But if you had told me that someone who died

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Speaker 1: who I'd never met, would take me from my life

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Speaker 1: in San Francisco, compel me to spend the next three

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Speaker 1: years following her story and make me confront my biggest

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Speaker 1: fears in real time, I wouldn't have believed you that

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Speaker 1: would be taking this mystical concept too far.

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Speaker 5: Hi, my name's Salana, And last summer I went to

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Speaker 5: Camp Watiwa and one of the most profound experiences I

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Speaker 5: had was there on the rock climbing wall.

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Speaker 1: This is Alana Chen. She's sixteen and standing in front

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Speaker 1: of the Rocky Mountains where she's attending an outdoor Catholic

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Speaker 1: summer camp.

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Speaker 5: And as I was going, I was climbing really excited.

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Speaker 5: But eventually I got to this place where I was

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Speaker 5: just stuck on the rock, and the people that were

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Speaker 5: helping me were trying to tell me which way to

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Speaker 5: go so that I could keep going, keep climbing up,

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Speaker 5: and I just didn't want to listen, so for a

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Speaker 5: while I blocked them out, but I was still stuck.

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Speaker 5: So I was just stuck there holding cleaning on.

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Speaker 1: Alana's from a small town outside of Boulder, Colorado. She

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Speaker 1: works at an ice cream shop called Sweet Cow. Her

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Speaker 1: favorite flavor is chocolate oatmeal stout.

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Speaker 5: And eventually I just got more and more tired and weaker,

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Speaker 5: and they just kept saying, okay, just let go. If

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Speaker 5: you let go of the rock, like the rope will

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Speaker 5: just swing you back to that straight path, and still

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Speaker 5: I didn't want to listen to them.

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Speaker 1: Alana's really good at ultimate frisbee. Her team makes it

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Speaker 1: to the state finals, but she's a little different from

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Speaker 1: the rest of her teammates. That's because since she was thirteen,

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Speaker 1: she's wanted to become a nun.

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Speaker 5: But eventually, as I just sat there, I just heard

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Speaker 5: in my heart this voice. I was just saying, let go,

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Speaker 5: Just let go of anything you're holding on to your

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Speaker 5: pride or your fear, and the ropes will catch you.

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Speaker 5: And in reality, it was like God would catch me

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Speaker 5: in that moment because I could just let go and

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Speaker 5: not be afraid anymore.

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Speaker 1: I remember the day I learned about Alana. It was

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Speaker 1: December twenty nineteen, and I was scrolling on my phone

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Speaker 1: when I came across the news of a girl from Boulder, Colorado,

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Speaker 1: who wanted to become a nun, was told to keep

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Speaker 1: a secret, and who died at the age of twenty four,

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Speaker 1: with her entire life ahead.

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Speaker 3: Of her breaking from overnight.

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Speaker 4: Louisville police are searching for a missing twenty four year

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Speaker 4: old woman.

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Speaker 6: I never SAIDs Adde Guahardo sat down with her family

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Speaker 6: and Addie.

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Speaker 1: They tell you they believe conversion therapy played a role.

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Speaker 4: Yes, the mother says her daughter first opened up to

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Speaker 4: a priest at her church when she was just fourteen

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Speaker 4: years old.

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Speaker 1: However, the church denies any conversion therapy was done. I froze,

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Speaker 1: my blood went cold, and it felt like time stopped.

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Speaker 1: You See, I recognized the kind of religious community that

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Speaker 1: Alana was a part of, the kind of counsel and

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Speaker 1: therapy she allegedly received that promised to convert her sexuality,

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Speaker 1: even the way the church responded. I recognized these things because,

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Speaker 1: even though I'm a decade older than her, Alana's story

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Speaker 1: sounded strikingly similar to mine. I went on Facebook and

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Speaker 1: started searching. I found Alana's mother, who had just posted

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Speaker 1: about how Alana had sought a controversial kind of therapy

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Speaker 1: against her parents' wishes, overcome with I don't know what

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Speaker 1: I wrote to her, sharing things I never talk about

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Speaker 1: with anyone, things I've kept secret. I told her about

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Speaker 1: how I'd always wanted to be a priest when I

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Speaker 1: grew up, that to me, conversion therapy wasn't a buzzword.

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Speaker 1: I'd spent my twenties trying to change my sexual orientation

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Speaker 1: and even sought one of the most acclaimed Catholic therapists

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Speaker 1: to help me, and I shared how important the church

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Speaker 1: still was in my life. I had no expectations that

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Speaker 1: she would get back to me. I just wanted her

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Speaker 1: to know that maybe someone out there understood. A few

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Speaker 1: months later, Alana's mother, Joyce, wrote back to me and

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Speaker 1: we talked on the phone. Her grief was palpable. She

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Speaker 1: shared memories of Alana and blamed herself for not knowing

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Speaker 1: earlier or doing more. We stayed in touch like this

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Speaker 1: over the months, through emails and phone calls. Sometimes she'd

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Speaker 1: send a single text in the middle of the night

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Speaker 1: saying I miss her so much. While all of this

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Speaker 1: might seem like any other tragedy, just another example of

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Speaker 1: a young life cut too short, I wonder if there's

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Speaker 1: more to this story. Memories that I thought were behind

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Speaker 1: me keep flooding back, and my gut tells me there's

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Speaker 1: more to her death than what's been in the news.

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Speaker 1: I need to know. How does someone who seemed to

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Speaker 1: do everything right go from wanting to become a nun

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Speaker 1: to telling reporters that if there is a God, he

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Speaker 1: doesn't need me talking to him anymore. This is the

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Speaker 1: story of a girl caught between earnest faith and the

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Speaker 1: American culture wars, teenage rebellion and spiritual manipulation, the promise

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Speaker 1: of purity and the price we pay to belong. And

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Speaker 1: this is my story of how a girl I never

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Speaker 1: met would turn my faith my life upside down. From

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Speaker 1: Tenderfoot TV, I'm simon Kent phone and this is Dear Alana,

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Speaker 1: Part one. Mom. It's been a year and a half

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Speaker 1: since I first reached out to Alana's mother, Joyce. She

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Speaker 1: texted me earlier in the day and we talked about

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Speaker 1: how great it would be to finally meet up in person.

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Speaker 1: Having just spent time with my family for my birthday,

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Speaker 1: I've been thinking about Alana and her family a lot.

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Speaker 1: Joyce has had a hard time going through alana stuff,

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Speaker 1: and she mentioned that she wants to write a book

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Speaker 1: about her one day making a trip out to Bolder.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I could help her organize Alana's computer and fix

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Speaker 1: her email, that sort of thing. I glanced down at

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Speaker 1: my dog, Sophie, who looks up from the couch in

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Speaker 1: my one bedroom apartment. My box of work stuff still unpacked,

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Speaker 1: painfully obvious. I have nothing tethering me here, so I

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Speaker 1: book a flight to Colorado. As I pick up my

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Speaker 1: rental car and drive towards Boulder, I'm struck by how

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Speaker 1: flat and wide this part of Colorado is compared to

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Speaker 1: San Francisco. Everything feels spread out, just passed by a

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Speaker 1: tattoo and art gallery. In between each city are stretches

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Speaker 1: of cornfields and ranchland and dominoes and nail salons. But

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Speaker 1: the sky is everywhere. The sky and the mountains are everywhere.

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Speaker 1: As I pull up into the parking lot of our

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Speaker 1: apartment complex, I can't believe I'm finally going to meet

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Speaker 1: this woman who I've been texting and talking with for

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Speaker 1: so long. Joyce, a dark haired woman, calls to me

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Speaker 1: from the second floor. She comes down to let me in.

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Speaker 7: Oh, I can't believe.

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Speaker 3: I can't believe either. This is so surreal.

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Speaker 4: You look great.

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Speaker 3: You look great.

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Speaker 7: I know it's little makeup, can do some.

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Speaker 1: Joyce is tall and striking in person, with a dark

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Speaker 1: olive complexion and a wide smile. She's sixty and has

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Speaker 1: this disarming yoga mom energy. She lives alone on the

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Speaker 1: outskirts of Boulder, having gotten divorced, about eight months ago,

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Speaker 1: while Alana's father, Mike kept the house. The kids have

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Speaker 1: all moved away, and Joyce and Mike share custody of

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Speaker 1: their two dogs, who are with her this week. Her

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Speaker 1: small apartment is full of light and tastefully decorated with

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Speaker 1: white furniture. Beautiful, look at how the time's play sauce.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, I have a lot of ha hona in here.

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Speaker 1: She eagerly shows me around it really well.

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Speaker 7: That's her picture from her birthday.

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Speaker 1: Along the walls of the entrance is one of the

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Speaker 1: last photos of Alana, had tilted and holding two packages

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Speaker 1: in her hands. I recognize this photo from the missing

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Speaker 1: person's police report.

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Speaker 7: That was right two months before she passed.

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Speaker 1: She was so happy. Yeah, and then but what were

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Speaker 1: the gifts that she's holding.

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Speaker 7: Oh, some of my friends they got her hiking socks

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Speaker 7: because she loved to go hiking and climbing. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 7: And then it's funny these shoes. She was also like outdoorsy.

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Speaker 7: But then she'd do fashion like she'd pick something like that,

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Speaker 7: and I'd be like, I'd never wear.

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Speaker 3: Something like that.

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Speaker 7: But we went to the monastery for that retreat that

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Speaker 7: was October, and there's a thrift shop. So she picked

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Speaker 7: those out and some cold pants and that's the art.

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Speaker 7: She did that in high school.

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Speaker 1: No way, We're standing in front of an impressive canvas

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Speaker 1: of pink and crimson flowers, stained glass.

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Speaker 7: You know what it looks like, stained glass. Everybody says

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Speaker 7: that she made it out of pieces of magazine.

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Speaker 3: It's crazy.

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Speaker 1: She's got a great eye.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, she was so artistic finally before, like she finally

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Speaker 7: said I'm gonna I'm gonna be an artist. I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 7: that's what you already are. But I have so I'll

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Speaker 7: show you, but take it any ice water or silsa water.

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Speaker 1: Alana was born in October of nineteen ninety five, the

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Speaker 1: third of four children. Compared to her routier siblings, Alana

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Speaker 1: was the shy, sensitive, empathetic kid.

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Speaker 8: I feel like she had this quiet, but really funny

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Speaker 8: sense of humor.

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Speaker 1: This is Carissa, Alana's older sister, two years apart. The

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Speaker 1: more I learn about Alana, the more this picture of

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Speaker 1: a quiet, bright goofball emerges.

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Speaker 8: Like She'll tell you these stories and you're just like,

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Speaker 8: what on earth you dislocated your shoulder and then put

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Speaker 8: it back in place on her own.

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Speaker 1: She remembers the first time she tried to throw a

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Speaker 1: party while her parents.

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Speaker 8: Were away, and she was like, why are you cleaning

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Speaker 8: so much? I was like, oh, I just want to

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Speaker 8: have a clean house. So mom and dad are gone

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Speaker 8: for the weekend.

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Speaker 1: Alana quickly caught on after seeing the bags of alcohol

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Speaker 1: in Carissa's bedroom.

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Speaker 8: And then she texted me a few hours later and

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Speaker 8: she was like, I know you're having a party tonight.

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Speaker 3: Don't lie to me.

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Speaker 8: I don't care, but don't let anyone sleep in my room.

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Speaker 8: And I was like, okay, fair.

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Speaker 1: Carissa threw the party, all was well.

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Speaker 8: A whole year passes by and she decides to tell

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Speaker 8: my mom because she can't hold it in any longer.

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Speaker 8: And my mom was like, you're grounded. I was like,

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Speaker 8: for what, She's like, one year ago you had a

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Speaker 8: party and so Anna told me about it, and I

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Speaker 8: was just like, Ahna, are you kidding me? And my

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Speaker 8: mom was so upset. She was like, you made your

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Speaker 8: sister keep that from me all this time. I was like,

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Speaker 8: wh I didn't realize it was bothering her so much,

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Speaker 8: Like that was annoying to me.

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Speaker 1: Back at the apartment, Joyce is going through some family photos.

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Speaker 7: So let's mix. Mother, he's full Chinese. He was born

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Speaker 7: in the US in New York, and your background is

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Speaker 7: my mom. Her parents were Puerto Rican and then my

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Speaker 7: dad was born in Brooklyn, but his parents were Italian.

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Speaker 7: Oh cool, Yeah, so it's quite a mix.

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Speaker 1: She continues the tour.

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Speaker 3: Little altar.

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Speaker 1: She shows me piles of mementos she's assembled into makeshift altars,

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Speaker 1: a bunch of objects grouped around a photo of Alana.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, and this was in her room. She r really

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Speaker 7: loved Saint Trez and she got me this in Rwanda.

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Speaker 3: Mmm, that's beautiful.

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Speaker 1: Yeahving She picks up a bible that belonged to her

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Speaker 1: father and points to a bronze medallion with the Serenity

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Speaker 1: prayer etched in it.

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Speaker 7: And you had this, which was crazy cause it's from

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Speaker 7: ellen On And I was like, God, did he got own?

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Speaker 7: It was just because my crime, my mom was making

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Speaker 7: them crazy.

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Speaker 1: Joyce is really open about her alcoholism and recovery. In fact,

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Speaker 1: it's alcoholics Anonymous that sets into motion her search for

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Speaker 1: a spiritual home for her family.

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Speaker 7: When I got sober, I was twenty eight and I

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Speaker 7: was in Boulder, and I wouldn't go to church. And

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Speaker 7: my mom would call me. At twenty eight, we were

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Speaker 7: a church Sunday and I was like, no, AA is

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Speaker 7: my church. And I just felt that way.

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Speaker 1: As her kids got a little older, she started to

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Speaker 1: change her mind.

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Speaker 7: I remember when Sammy was at the age of communion.

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Speaker 7: Then I just felt like I want them to have

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Speaker 7: that because when I was in AA, I used to

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Speaker 7: say my higher power is Jesus. I just felt like, God,

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Speaker 7: we all need something, you know, prayer, life, something like that.

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Speaker 7: But that brought me back to the church, which was

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Speaker 7: a struggle.

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Speaker 1: She ended up church shopping, first joining a gospel choir

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Speaker 1: at a Presbyterian church, which exposed her to different denominations,

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Speaker 1: and eventually landing at Sad Heart of Mary, a Catholic

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Speaker 1: church in Boulder.

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Speaker 7: So one day after church, because I, you know, I

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Speaker 7: could tell they weren't into into it, the college students

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Speaker 7: came up and made announcement at the pulpit about this

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Speaker 7: camp and they were they seemed funny, they seemed like

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Speaker 7: college students, really cool.

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Speaker 1: Joyce thought this would be a great opportunity to get

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Speaker 1: her kids interested in God.

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Speaker 7: So I asked them and they were like no, no, no,

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Speaker 7: like no way, We're going that camp, and then all

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Speaker 7: of a sudden, I don't have the college students heard

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Speaker 7: us talking, but all of a sudden one of them

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Speaker 7: came over and she was for the sweetest one and

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Speaker 7: seeing the nicest and not weird, and she was just like, oh,

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Speaker 7: come on, guys, you know you could just try. It's

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Speaker 7: gonna be so much fun. And she actually got on

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Speaker 7: her knees. It was a little weird, and she was like,

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Speaker 7: come on, come on, come, and you know they're so

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Speaker 7: good and sweet. They were like, okay, well try one.

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Speaker 1: The kids ended up going to the first day of camp,

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Speaker 1: and they came back that night really excited.

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Speaker 7: Alana and Chrisa were sitting at the table, the kitchen table,

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Speaker 7: and they were like, mom, it was so good. It

303
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,800
Speaker 7: was so good. And their tears were rolling down their

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Speaker 7: face and I was like, why are you crying, and

305
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Speaker 7: they were saying, well, we were hearing stories, you know,

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Speaker 7: like it was just about someone was rape, some serious stuff.

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Speaker 7: I thought for their age. And then but they found

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Speaker 7: God and they loved Jesus so much and they're so

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Speaker 7: happy and they overcame this and I, you know, I

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Speaker 7: remember thinking, well, I hear people speak in twelve step

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Speaker 7: programs and it's very moving. You always get to the

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Speaker 7: end where it's like wow, great, And so I was

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Speaker 7: a little concerned and I asked a little bit more questions,

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Speaker 7: and then I just they were just like, we loved it.

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Speaker 1: They finished the rest of the week at camp, and

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Speaker 1: that's when Joyce remembers a change in Alana, who's thirteen

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Speaker 1: at the time.

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Speaker 7: The very next Sunday in Mass in the same church,

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Speaker 7: Alana was on the edge of the pew and she

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Speaker 7: was sitting up and she had her hands in prayer,

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Speaker 7: and she was like focused night and day, like doing

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Speaker 7: everything perfectly that you need to do in the Mass.

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Speaker 7: And then I remember it asking her because she was

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Speaker 7: even more devout, and I said, what are you doing?

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Speaker 7: She goes, well, we learned what to do in between

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Speaker 7: these things that the regular people do during Mass.

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Speaker 1: Most run of the mill Catholics are barely following along

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Speaker 1: and probably spacing out. But the really devout ones, the

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Speaker 1: ones in the know, know, for example, that after the

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Speaker 1: priest has handed out communion, that's the time to be

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Speaker 1: in quiet reflection and give thanks for having received the

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Speaker 1: Body of Christ.

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Speaker 7: I mean, I just was shocked. I was shocked, but.

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Speaker 1: I was like, wow, this marks the beginning of Alana's

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Speaker 1: deepening interest in Catholicism. Yeah, we're in Joyce's walk in

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Speaker 1: closet and rummaging through a box of Alana's keepsakes.

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Speaker 7: She wrote this, she's really, really, really super religious. When

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Speaker 7: she wrote so this is twenty fifteen, she wrote, raise

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Speaker 7: a glad cry, you barren and who never bore a child,

340
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Speaker 7: break forth in jubilant song, you who have never been

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Speaker 7: in labor. For more numerous are the children of the

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Speaker 7: deserted wife than the children of her who has a husband,

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Speaker 7: says the Lord. Is this from the Bible? Yeah, do

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Speaker 7: not fear. You shall not be put to shame for

345
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Speaker 7: the shame of your youth. You shall forget the reproach

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Speaker 7: of your widowhood no longer.

347
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Speaker 1: Remember, as we poke around the closet, I look up

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Speaker 1: and spot two large piles of spiral notebooks. Are those

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Speaker 1: all the diaries?

350
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Speaker 5: Yeah?

351
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Speaker 7: The world it was she had so many of these,

352
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Speaker 7: like notebooks and notebooks and notebooks.

353
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Speaker 1: Over the last two years, Joyce has been telling me

354
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Speaker 1: about Alana's journals. She found nearly two dozen of them

355
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Speaker 1: in Alana's bedroom, and she's eager to show them to

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Speaker 1: me and hopes that I might have some insight. I

357
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Speaker 1: help Joyce carry them off the shelf.

358
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Speaker 7: Ugh, this is twenty fifteen, Simon, what age would.

359
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,600
Speaker 1: You have since you have been nineteen? Yeah? What was

360
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,040
Speaker 1: anything interesting there?

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Speaker 6: Well?

362
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:13,160
Speaker 7: First, she's writing, this is how firm a foundation? How

363
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Speaker 7: firm a foundation, you say to the Lord is laid

364
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Speaker 7: for your faith in his excellent word.

365
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Speaker 3: It looks like it's a song.

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Speaker 1: That's a found you says.

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Speaker 7: And then she writes maybe she wrote a poem, or

368
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Speaker 7: is this a hymn too? I will come to you

369
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Speaker 7: in the silence, I will lift you from all your fear.

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Speaker 1: I think it's hymn.

371
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Speaker 7: And then she writes, Jesus, you keep answering my prayers. Yeah,

372
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Speaker 7: save me from the sin of a pusori apostasy.

373
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Speaker 1: That's a medieval term meaning abandoning the faith.

374
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Speaker 7: Teach me, please, teach me to angelized, to proclaim to

375
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Speaker 7: live the faith in love, to speak of you at

376
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Speaker 7: home and abroad. Amen.

377
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,959
Speaker 1: I've written these same prayers in my journals, and in

378
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Speaker 1: reading Alana's words, I feel a little less alone. I

379
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Speaker 1: don't know anyone else who as a teen was this

380
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Speaker 1: focused on God. Joyce tells me that Alana also stood

381
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Speaker 1: out for her religiosity. She was known around town as

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Speaker 1: the Saint, and not just because of her prayers.

383
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Speaker 7: Oh my god, what this is a letter from Shorty.

384
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,840
Speaker 7: Shorty was an alcoholic that Elana met under the bridge

385
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,479
Speaker 7: in balder and would read the Bible to her. Shorty

386
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,679
Speaker 7: lost her children. She was like the worst drunk I

387
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,840
Speaker 7: met her, and Alana got her into this program to

388
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:52,560
Speaker 7: get sober and Surety says, Hi, Alana, how are you doing.

389
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 7: I pray you're doing well and in good spirits. I

390
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:57,880
Speaker 7: know the last letter you wrote you were having kind

391
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Speaker 7: of a crummy time. I don't know if I told

392
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,200
Speaker 7: you that I moved last week. Now I've obtained permanent housing.

393
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,399
Speaker 7: That's a chance in a lifetime thing. So I have

394
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Speaker 7: my very own apartment and it's brand new and never

395
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Speaker 7: been lived in it. I am stoked.

396
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,600
Speaker 9: She was keeping in touch.

397
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,520
Speaker 7: Wow, this is the.

398
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:18,600
Speaker 9: Kind of stuff she did.

399
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,000
Speaker 1: We find a few other letters like this, including one

400
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,879
Speaker 1: from an inmate whu Alana evidently visited in jail. And

401
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,520
Speaker 1: you can tell from these letters that Alana wasn't just

402
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,920
Speaker 1: some drop in do gooder. She really had a relationship

403
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:32,639
Speaker 1: with these people.

404
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,479
Speaker 9: She was always like helping these people.

405
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,240
Speaker 1: As we paged through her journals, we find plenty of

406
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,520
Speaker 1: entries showing a young girl's enthusiasm for her faith, transcriptions

407
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,440
Speaker 1: of prayers, and Novena's little to do lists. Clean the car,

408
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,960
Speaker 1: call in, go to the bank, plan for the Rwanda trip,

409
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 1: Read Evangeli Gaudium, the book by the Pope.

410
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,160
Speaker 7: Talking ticket, practice Hebrew.

411
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,240
Speaker 1: And then we come across something different, and look.

412
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:06,200
Speaker 7: At this, she writes. Not good enough, not good example

413
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:12,160
Speaker 7: for kids, shy, never say the right thing, Useless, dry,

414
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:18,200
Speaker 7: free loader, not a good Catholic, ugly, not important, stupid, annoying, distracted,

415
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,640
Speaker 7: God gave up on me. Blame careless, nothing to say

416
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 7: God for everything. Bad daughter, don't show appreciation and patient, cocky, silent,

417
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:35,120
Speaker 7: never defending God. Outcasts, can't talk to Father, deep because failure.

418
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,919
Speaker 7: Only think of myself. Not a good friend, not a

419
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:45,200
Speaker 7: team player, mean, too joy, angry, jealous, will never love enough,

420
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 7: self conscious, never live up to the Saints, confused to

421
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:55,120
Speaker 7: tempt it, not pure. All I care about is Frisbee.

422
00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:57,119
Speaker 1: She turns the page.

423
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 7: God, I love you. Take all this crap, remove it,

424
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,960
Speaker 7: overcome it, Teach me your ways, Love me carry me.

425
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,720
Speaker 7: I keep trying to leave you, but I want you.

426
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,959
Speaker 7: I want to live for you. I don't want anything

427
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 7: between you and me. Amen love alone.

428
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 1: Oh this is crazy, Simon, all this weight that Alana

429
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:25,200
Speaker 1: carried on her own without anyone knowing. She's so hard

430
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,320
Speaker 1: on herself. And I wonder if Joyce ever noticed this.

431
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,080
Speaker 1: When Alana was a kid. Was she always trying to

432
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:31,639
Speaker 1: be perfect?

433
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:32,679
Speaker 3: Even as like a little kid.

434
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,120
Speaker 7: Any thing she said wanted that. She was always trying

435
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,920
Speaker 7: to be perfect. And she knew that we liked math

436
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,280
Speaker 7: and science, and she got the best grades to keep

437
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:45,440
Speaker 7: us happy, and she didn't want to I got to fight,

438
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 7: so she would just never do anything.

439
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 1: To get trouble. Joyce looks at me and narrows her eyes.

440
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,480
Speaker 9: You feel like I need to make it a sandwich?

441
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:00,920
Speaker 3: Anything?

442
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:01,159
Speaker 9: Is that?

443
00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:06,959
Speaker 1: Just like a Even with all that's going on, she

444
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: manages to be unintentionally funny.

445
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 7: This was I was telling you about this that I

446
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,040
Speaker 7: found this on her keyboard. It would just like kind

447
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,199
Speaker 7: of showed up and.

448
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 1: I'm in Joyce's apartment and she holds up a folded

449
00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 1: letter with Alana's own curly handwriting.

450
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:38,680
Speaker 7: Do you, dear Alana, you are just a little girl.

451
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,960
Speaker 7: But you really don't like yourself. What if I told

452
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 7: you that I love who you are. I love you

453
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,879
Speaker 7: how you are and how you will be tomorrow. You

454
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,679
Speaker 7: have beautiful hair and a beautiful face, and your family

455
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 7: would miss.

456
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,399
Speaker 6: You if you were gone.

457
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:54,439
Speaker 1: She takes a breath.

458
00:25:55,480 --> 00:26:00,240
Speaker 7: Dear Alana, I don't know what to say. I don't no,

459
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 7: I don't know what drove you to.

460
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:12,840
Speaker 6: Hurt yourself so badly. You were all alone? Why were

461
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:16,080
Speaker 6: you all alone? I know you don't understand how you

462
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,440
Speaker 6: can be loved or redeemed. I wish you could see

463
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,800
Speaker 6: that the people that love you, the people that matter,

464
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 6: they don't hold you to those standards. They don't see

465
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,640
Speaker 6: you as defiled. They don't see you as someone that

466
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 6: needs to be fixed or different than who you are.

467
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 6: The people that love you are still with you. Those

468
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 6: other people that left, that walked away, that couldn't follow you,

469
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 6: they couldn't handle your light, they couldn't handle the shock,

470
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 6: the surprise. They were too weak to see you for

471
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 6: who you really are. But your mother, your real mother,

472
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,840
Speaker 6: and your real father, and your brother and sisters, they

473
00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 6: have walked with you. They see you, and now I

474
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:06,480
Speaker 6: see you, and I love you so much. So I

475
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,520
Speaker 6: read this with the memorial and like it was really

476
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,960
Speaker 6: hard to But I don't know, like if she wrote

477
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,200
Speaker 6: this the night before, I don't know, another time maybe,

478
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,800
Speaker 6: But it's so beautiful but so sod.

479
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:23,040
Speaker 3: As.

480
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:27,760
Speaker 1: I imagine Alana writing this letter to herself. My heart breaks.

481
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 1: But that's not the only emotion I'm feeling. I'm feeling

482
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:38,120
Speaker 1: something stirring inside of me, a combination of fear and dread.

483
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: Maybe it's because everything Joyce is reading to me feels

484
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 1: so eerily familiar. I remember my earnest zeal, my spiritual rumination,

485
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:56,160
Speaker 1: my feeling of being abandoned, and if I'm honest, it's

486
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,440
Speaker 1: all stuff I'm still working through and I can't help

487
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 1: but wonder why I'm here and Alana's not. On Monday,

488
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 1: December ninth, twenty nineteen, Alana Chen died by suicide. You

489
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,600
Speaker 1: may not understand how a young person so deeply in

490
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 1: love with God would want to take their own life,

491
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:29,640
Speaker 1: but I do. I've been to that dark place where

492
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 1: the light seems so far away at the end of

493
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,120
Speaker 1: a long day. Joyce is sitting across from me on

494
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 1: the floor, and there are papers everywhere. The giant tupperware

495
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 1: box looks like it's exploded.

496
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 3: Open.

497
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 7: Organize this, lady. Yeah, I'm never gonna you will.

498
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 1: I can, all right, let's put this away.

499
00:28:59,160 --> 00:28:59,800
Speaker 3: It'll be here.

500
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:02,920
Speaker 7: She's never going to write this.

501
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:20,239
Speaker 9: Because I want to just stand half of it, oppen.

502
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 1: I can feel Joyce's desperation, and I feel like I

503
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: already have so much to tell her about my own

504
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,719
Speaker 1: life and how it might relate to Alana's. But am

505
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 1: I ready to go there? And what does this say

506
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 1: about a church I still know and love. I look

507
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 1: at Joyce surrounded by the notebooks, artwork, and photographs, her

508
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 1: daughter's life laid out on the hardwood floor, and then

509
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:04,560
Speaker 1: I feel something else. It's a feeling of conviction. I

510
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: have to help her understand what happened to Alana.

511
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:17,200
Speaker 3: I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.

512
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:22,280
Speaker 1: Next time on Dear Olana, Today, twenty two young women

513
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,440
Speaker 1: will begin their journey toward becoming a nun. How Alana's

514
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 1: decision to become a nun is solidified when a controversial

515
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,600
Speaker 1: priest offers her spiritual direction.

516
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:43,240
Speaker 3: I will follow you ever since you touched my hand.

517
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:44,240
Speaker 3: Thank you.

518
00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created hosted and written by me Simon

519
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:54,840
Speaker 1: kentfang And is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association

520
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary.

521
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,520
Speaker 1: It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music.

522
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:06,400
Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our

523
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup

524
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:15,000
Speaker 1: and Vanity. Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song,

525
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes

526
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,880
Speaker 1: and resources can be found on our website Diarlana dot com.

527
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:24,640
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow

528
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 1: the show, rate and review.

529
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 3: There is no Suti monton so high keep me away

530
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,640
Speaker 3: away from the long.

531
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:52,920
Speaker 1: Coming up this season.

532
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 7: I didn't want her to see him, and then she

533
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 7: was sneaking on the phone, and then like I'm here.

534
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 7: I am the mother who's bidding my daughter to see

535
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:05,040
Speaker 7: a priest and to become a nun. And it was

536
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 7: what she wanted. It made her happy, but I didn't

537
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 7: know what since she confessed, I didn't know she was

538
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,800
Speaker 7: attracted to girls. No, she didn't tell me. She told him.

539
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 7: She confessed to him.

540
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:21,360
Speaker 4: We believe that homosexuality is a symptom of early childhood trauma.

541
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 4: We get the client to address those traumas and they

542
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 4: will just experience a diminishment in their same sex attraction.

543
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 8: It was like a big deal at the ten that

544
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 8: she was going on this date and he picked her up,

545
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 8: and like we had all met him. He's super nice,

546
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 8: he's handsome.

547
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 3: She brought me upstairs and so I don't know, what

548
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 3: is that?

549
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: Did you do this to yourself?

550
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 3: I was like, what did you do?

551
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If

552
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 1: you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus

553
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:59,040
Speaker 1: so you can binge the entire series right now, ad free.

554
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,280
Speaker 1: Head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com to

555
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 1: subscribe now.

556
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 3: MHM