WEBVTT - Whine About It: Changing the Way You Feel 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:05.320 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:11.080 All Right, so we have psychotherapist Amy Warren coming out. 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:13.520 She's got a book called Thirteen Things Mentally Strong people 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:18.400 Don't Do Workbook. Let's get her on. Hello. Hi, how 0:00:18.440 --> 0:00:21.680 are you Amy? I'm good? Thanks? How are you? I'm good. 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.279 Good to talk to you again. You as well. Thanks 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:28.200 for having me. Of course, I just want to say 0:00:28.240 --> 0:00:31.280 I love what you said. It only takes one bad 0:00:31.360 --> 0:00:34.640 habit to limit your progress. I just think that is 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:38.000 so true that when I was kind of reading things 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:39.720 looking at the guy I work out, I do that, 0:00:39.840 --> 0:00:43.000 I do this, but really all that's great and all, 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:45.720 but if you've got one bad thing, that's gonna limit 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:49.000 your progress. And I was just like wow. So now 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:50.720 I'm like thinking here, I'm like, okay, what's the one 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:53.160 bad thing? So I'm like, I don't want to because 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:55.800 sometimes I feel stuck. So I'm like, what's the thing 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:58.360 that's like sticking? Yeah, I'm glad that you like that. 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:00.960 I just ordered the work going to find my one thing? 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:05.000 Oh awesome, thank you, I appreciate it. Okay, So what 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:08.119 do you think are some of the unhealthy habits that 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:12.200 you know people are getting stuck. I think one of 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:16.000 the biggest ones is feeling sorry for yourself. And I 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:18.280 encounter so many people that will say, you know, it's 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:20.400 not my fault, I can't do anything about it, or 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:23.119 see how many problems happen to me, and then they 0:01:23.160 --> 0:01:26.800 just feel like they are almost looking for permission to 0:01:26.920 --> 0:01:29.120 not change their life because they just want to prove 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:32.280 to everybody else like I shouldn't have to because I've 0:01:32.280 --> 0:01:34.440 had all these bad things happen to me, or I 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:36.920 keep running into these roadblocks and there's nothing I can 0:01:36.959 --> 0:01:39.360 do about it. So I think self pity is probably 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:41.960 one of the biggest ones, and another one is giving 0:01:41.959 --> 0:01:44.679 away our power. Right along the same lines, when we 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:48.480 blame other people like my sister makes me feel bad 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:51.000 about myself or my boss makes me work late. When 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:53.400 we use that kind of language and imply that somebody 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:56.120 else is in charge of our lives, it kind of 0:01:56.120 --> 0:01:58.640 gives us an excuse to not take charge and be 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:03.880 proactive about making our lives better. Okay, so I don't 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:06.280 want to. I'm trying to say how I can delicately 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:10.520 say this without outing my own husband. But I feel 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:12.919 like in the first two things you said, you've pretty 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:17.640 much stubbed up our household. So the giving power away, peace, 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:21.120 the feeling sorry for yourself, my husbands in music, and 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:25.600 I feel like entertainment in this industry is so I 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:27.799 think I have just watched over years, when people are 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:29.520 in it for so long, like you just start to 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:32.440 I think any profession honestly, but like I only know 0:02:32.520 --> 0:02:35.880 from this experience. But it's like I think, after first, 0:02:36.040 --> 0:02:38.800 I think, for so long you start to hear the 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:41.679 like the limiting beliefs, or you start to like things 0:02:41.760 --> 0:02:43.840 don't go your way or things aren't working out, or 0:02:43.880 --> 0:02:46.400 you're watching other people get it that it's the feeling 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:50.160 sorry for yourself piece starts to be underlying. Whether you 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:55.720 recognize it or not, it definitely does. Yeah, So say 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:59.200 say hypothetically, you might have just nailed it and your 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:04.880 two examples, okay, or for you listen, I don't want 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:07.000 I'm just gonna at all very vague as vaga as 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:10.040 I can make it. Okay. So, now what is my thing? 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:12.480 Because you've had a lot of experience in your career, 0:03:12.560 --> 0:03:14.200 and you deal with a lot of people, and you've 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:17.119 written books, and you have this workbook and until Amazon 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:19.399 can deliver it successfully to my house. I just want 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:21.240 to cheat sheet, So tell me what to do now. 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:23.360 So the two things, like if you want to change 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:25.240 how you feel, you can change how you think and 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:28.080 how you behave. So if we're feeling sorry for ourselves, 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:30.840 we tend to do things that reinforce that, Like you 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:34.200 sit on the couch and you don't look for new opportunities, 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:37.200 and it just builds and builds into this unhealthy cycle. 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:39.280 So to break out of that, you'd want to go 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:41.600 do something that makes it hard to feel sorry for yourself. 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:44.120 Go out there and say I'm gonna push myself to 0:03:44.120 --> 0:03:46.880 do something I don't feel like doing, but do it anyway. 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:49.000 And then just change how you think. So when you're 0:03:49.000 --> 0:03:52.000 thinking my problems are bigger than everybody else is, nobody 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:55.000 can possibly understand, Like, get a hold of yourself and say, well, 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:56.640 what would I say to my friend right now? If 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:58.960 my friend came to me with this problem, you probably 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:01.480 have like some kind words to say to them. So 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:05.040 practice that self compassion by saying it to yourself. And 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:07.400 when it comes to giving away our power, the biggest 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:10.480 thing is just changing our language. Like I still do this. 0:04:10.520 --> 0:04:12.800 I wrote the book a long time ago, but I 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:14.880 still talk a lot about like, oh, I have to 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:16.840 go do this, and I'll catch myself and be like, no, 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:19.040 I don't have to, even if it's something simple like oh, 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:20.880 I have to go to the grocery store, but I 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:23.839 don't have to. It's a choice, And just reminding myself 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:26.680 with that, like I'm in charge of how I think, 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:28.880 how I feel, how I behave, who I spend my 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:31.320 time with, what I do in my day. Just reminding 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:34.360 myself of that, and yeah, there's consequences for what I 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:36.080 choose to do, but it's up to me. And so 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:38.400 if we can change our language, that really helps us 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:40.600 take back our power. And if we can do things 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:43.000 that make it hard to feel sorry for ourselves. It's 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:44.800 really hard to feel sorry for yourself when you're out 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:46.919 there doing something, especially if you're doing something nice for 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:50.920 somebody else. I like that. It's interesting because I change. 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:53.480 I did one little change probably like ten years ago. 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:57.640 I have this chiropractor who is actually married to my 0:04:57.640 --> 0:05:00.480 old therapist. So it's just a really awesome couple to 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:04.120 be to know and be in love with. But she 0:05:04.240 --> 0:05:07.280 used to say her schedule was full, like her life 0:05:07.360 --> 0:05:09.920 was full, instead of busy, so I will always say 0:05:10.000 --> 0:05:12.159 it's a full day, not a busy day. And just 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:15.280 even that small reframing takes it from like an anxious 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:19.479 feeling of like, uh, you know, and and now I'd 0:05:19.520 --> 0:05:21.240 just say, oh, we have a full day or we 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:24.160 have a full week, and it just does. I mean, 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:27.200 it is tiny, but even just the things you're saying 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:29.040 right now, I'm like, gosh, I really like I could 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:31.119 just reframe even a few more things and make myself 0:05:31.120 --> 0:05:33.600 feel probably a little bit different, you know. I think 0:05:33.640 --> 0:05:37.120 those tiny changes make a huge difference. Anything that's negative. 0:05:37.160 --> 0:05:39.720 I try to reframe in my head, and my whole 0:05:39.800 --> 0:05:43.280 day is instantly better. I just it should. That's been 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:45.159 kind of my thing lately. It's to try to just 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:48.279 be more positive, like in the smallest things, and it 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:51.520 just makes everything, which makes you happier. It's a choice, 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:52.960 like you have a choice to be happy, you have 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:54.599 a choice to be positive. You have a choice to 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:59.760 make those changes. So the start of this whole thirteen 0:05:59.800 --> 0:06:02.920 thing for you kind of came person if I'm wrong, 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:06.440 totally fine if I am, because I often happen lately, 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:10.040 but my brain is like not with me anymore. The 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:13.360 start of the thirteen things came from a series of losses. 0:06:14.160 --> 0:06:17.400 Is that correct? It is? So I was a therapist 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:19.640 and I thought, oh, I'm going to teach everybody everything 0:06:19.680 --> 0:06:21.599 I learned in college, thinking I was going to like 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.200 build on their strengths because that's what they teach you 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:27.159 in college. And somebody comes into your therapy office and says, hey, 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:28.920 this is what I have going on. You're like, yeah, 0:06:29.200 --> 0:06:32.320 keep doing the good things. But I realized, you know, 0:06:32.360 --> 0:06:34.520 if I don't point out that one or two bad habits, 0:06:34.560 --> 0:06:37.360 then I'd keep people stuck. But I was glad that 0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:39.080 I started to do that because I really did go 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:41.560 through the long My twenties were just like a bad 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:43.640 country song over and over again. So I lost my 0:06:43.680 --> 0:06:45.880 mom when I was twenty three, I was widowed when 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:48.719 I was twenty six. I lost a foster child, I 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.800 lost my father in law. It was this entire decade 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:55.000 of just incredible grief. And it was really through my 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:57.600 grief that I learned so much more about our habits 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:01.440 and sometimes when life throws you horrible things like how 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:02.960 you're going to get through it. And we talked so 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:06.359 much about resilience, but resilience is really about just bouncing back, 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:08.800 and I thought, I don't want to go through life 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:11.000 just feeling like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop, 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:12.920 and I'm going to bounce back from tragedy like I 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:14.880 want to do well. Even when life is going well 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:16.840 or when things are okay in life, I still want 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:19.680 to work on being as mentally a strong as I can. 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:23.600 And that's where the thirteen things mentally strong people don't do. 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:26.080 It was actually just a letter to myself on one 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:29.440 of my worst days. I had no intentions of ever 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:32.480 writing a book, but I found it helpful because I thought, 0:07:32.480 --> 0:07:34.720 when I'm overwhelmed with all of these emotions and all 0:07:34.760 --> 0:07:37.080 these things I have to do, I don't want a 0:07:37.080 --> 0:07:39.640 long list of extra things I should be doing to 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:42.360 make me feel worse. But if I could just think about, okay, Amy, 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:45.320 just don't do this thing today, like feel sorry for yourself, 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:47.960 that I might be able to get through it. And 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:49.960 then I thought, well, if this list is helpful to me, 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:52.120 maybe it would help somebody else. So I published it 0:07:52.200 --> 0:07:55.400 online and really only expected like a handful of people 0:07:55.440 --> 0:07:57.640 would read it, but fifty million people read it. And 0:07:57.760 --> 0:08:00.240 from there I had a literary agent call and say hey, 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:02.600 you need to write a book. But like, nobody knew 0:08:02.640 --> 0:08:04.600 the backstory, and I was a therapist and I don't 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:06.880 usually tell my story. I'm really good at listening to 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:09.080 other people share there, so I was like, I don't 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:12.840 really know if I want to share, but I decided to. 0:08:13.040 --> 0:08:15.480 So I came forward and said, you know, actually I 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:18.680 didn't write these things because I've become an expert in 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:20.160 all of them. I wrote it because I do all 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:21.920 of these things. And here's the story of what I 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:25.000 went through. And now here I am nine years later, 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:26.800 and I still get to talk about mental strength. So 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:29.600 I'm glad that I shared the backstory of how I 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:32.280 got to be able to write that. Well, that makes 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:34.200 it more relatable for us, Like I mean, I know 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:36.120 for me, like with my therapist, I'm like, I want 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:38.000 to hear stories about you. I want to hear about 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:39.719 what you've gone through, you know, And I know that 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:41.760 that y'all's job, but it just I think that's why 0:08:41.760 --> 0:08:45.120 it's so relatable AND's done so well. You know. That's 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.640 the thing is, we're all humans. We all go through 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:50.079 hard things. Like life is tough. I don't care who 0:08:50.080 --> 0:08:51.960 you are or what you do for work like life 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:55.440 is really hard sometimes, and I agree. I think we 0:08:55.480 --> 0:08:58.199 do people a disservice if we don't share that, because 0:08:58.200 --> 0:09:01.400 so many people just look perfect on Instagram and we 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:03.360 walk around when somebody says, how are you doing and 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:06.760 you say I'm fine, even though you aren't, because we 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:10.320 get uncomfortable sharing about the hard stuff. But when we don't, 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:12.640 people feel alone. And as a therapist, I knew that 0:09:12.720 --> 0:09:15.319 I'd have so many people come into my office and 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:19.000 they'd share very similar stories and very similar heartaches, but 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:21.840 yet they would say like, nobody knows I'm dealing with this, 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:23.920 And then the next person would come in and say 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:26.000 something very similar, and I would always think, well, if 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:28.840 only you knew that all of these other people are 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:30.959 struggling too. They just look like they're much more put 0:09:31.000 --> 0:09:45.000 together on the outside than they feel on the inside. 0:09:46.320 --> 0:09:48.520 The Ted talk that you did, you had over twenty 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:51.920 two million views. I'm sure it's even surpast that obviously now. 0:09:51.920 --> 0:09:55.520 But why do you think it resonated so much. I 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:58.600 think a lot of people didn't talk about mental strength. 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:01.600 That was in twenty fifteen. Then I gave that talk, 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:03.520 So I think if people were just curious to know, 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:05.520 like what does it mean to be mentally strong? And 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:07.720 that's the title of it, is the Secret of becoming 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:10.600 mentally Strong. I think people just really wanted to know, like, 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:13.360 what is it that will make you mentally strong in 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.680 life and in it? I quickly go through the thirteen 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:18.200 things and talk about how to avoid the bad habits 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:20.280 that hold you back, and I think people were a 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.240 bit relieved to find out, like, there's no, there's not 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:24.880 a list of one hundred and ten things you have 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:27.240 to do. Sometimes it is just about finding your worst 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:30.160 habit and eliminating that from your life so that all 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:32.600 the good habits you already have just become that much 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:36.920 more effective. The thirteen things that mentioned strong people don't 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:39.000 do it. What are a few of them that you 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:41.720 could you could give us. Yeah, So in addition to 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:44.400 the don't feel sorry for yourself, don't give away your power, 0:10:44.720 --> 0:10:48.360 that's the unhealthy habits, right so, right, So the whole 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:50.880 list is just those things that we all do sometimes, 0:10:51.000 --> 0:10:55.640 yet oh when we do, guarantee, it's just to counterproductive 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:58.440 that it outweighs your good habits. So also on the 0:10:58.480 --> 0:11:01.520 list is not giving up after your first failure, not 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.720 repeating their same mistakes over and over again, not resenting 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:10.280 other people's success, and not shying away from change. Things 0:11:10.280 --> 0:11:12.400 that we've all done before, we all are tempted to 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:15.720 do sometimes in certain times in our lives, like yeah, 0:11:15.840 --> 0:11:18.160 life is going well, it's easier to not feel sorry 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:20.960 for myself. But then you hit that curveball and life 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:23.480 throws something at you, and suddenly it's like, no, I 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:27.040 deserve to feel sorry for myself. So different seasons of 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:29.560 our lives, some of them are easier than others, but 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:33.040 if we're honest, I think we all do them sometimes. Right. 0:11:33.360 --> 0:11:37.440 It's interesting because it seems so elementary, the things right, 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:40.680 It's like right, obviously right, But then those are the 0:11:40.720 --> 0:11:44.959 hardest things to undo. They are, and people would say that, like, well, 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:47.600 you know, I could have written a list like this, 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:50.800 but yet nobody had done it until I came out 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:53.200 with a list. But it is very like straightforward things 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:55.439 that on the surface we all know don't do that. 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:58.400 And occasionally somebody will argue with me. They'll say, well, 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:00.280 can't you feel sorry for yourself for a little well, 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:03.320 when you're going through tough things, But like, no, it's 0:12:03.320 --> 0:12:06.440 okay to be sad, but self pity is different, and 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:08.720 that's what keeps us stuck. But all of these things, 0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:11.160 when you engage in them, even for a little bit 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.800 of time, like it just develops those unhealthy patterns, keeps 0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:17.200 you stuck. And the only way I could really think 0:12:17.240 --> 0:12:19.320 to describe it in a way that made more tangible 0:12:19.360 --> 0:12:22.280 sense because mental strength is kind of abstract and it's 0:12:22.320 --> 0:12:24.960 hard to talk about in a way that we can 0:12:25.000 --> 0:12:28.080 really visualize. But it's like if you wanted to become 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:31.640 in better shape physically and you went to the gym, like, yeah, 0:12:31.720 --> 0:12:33.360 you need to run on the treadmill or do all 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:36.960 of these exercises, But like, what if your trainer didn't mention, hey, 0:12:37.040 --> 0:12:39.280 you shouldn't eat all this junk food, Like I'd be 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.439 really mad, Like I'd rather give up two hours of 0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:43.160 running on the treadmill, and so I'll just skip the 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:45.800 jelly donut. But I feel like when it comes to 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:48.160 mental health habits, we don't really talk about that. We 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:50.839 just talk about make sure you practice gratitude and make 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:54.000 sure that you take care of yourself. Then we don't 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:57.280 really talk about those few bad habits that we might 0:12:57.360 --> 0:13:01.320 have that are definitely counterproductive. I think that's the thing 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:04.040 that I actually enjoyed about it the most because at first, 0:13:04.120 --> 0:13:07.040 I it's interesting, like just even where your mind goes 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:09.760 when you say don't do you know see that in 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:12.240 the title, Like I almost felt myself like bow up 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:14.560 a little bit, you know, And then I but what 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:17.880 I really like if exactly what you're saying is it's like, Okay, 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:20.760 we have a million things or Instagram is flooded with 0:13:20.840 --> 0:13:24.000 if you're following the right people, your Instagram is flooded 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:27.440 with like Evlo psychology quotes and things coming at me, 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:29.000 and it's like do this, do this, do this. And 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:31.440 then sometimes you're like, hey, what I'm doing all of 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:33.200 that and like to have a list of things that 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:37.440 are like, but don't do this. It's like, thanks for 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:41.160 just making it easy. That seems yeah, that seems easier. Yeah, 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.640 Like I'm like, thank y'all do these I'm like, all right, great, 0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:46.240 let's rock. Most the same thing because the process of 0:13:46.280 --> 0:13:48.720 elimination and are like we we also have this like 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:52.320 kind of toxic positivity portion of the world that goes 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:54.160 into like you can do it, you can do it, 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:55.439 you can do it, and you're like, yeah, but if 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:57.520 I feel stuck, like I even said to Janna this morning, 0:13:57.640 --> 0:14:00.199 I was like, I know I have a limit name 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:03.720 belief about myself. There's I have. If I look back 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:05.960 on my life, I'm really proud of how far I've come, 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:09.800 and it's great, but there's this one. There's something little, 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:12.040 and I've just been like trying to really dig and 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:16.480 find what it is that keeps me from going for 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:20.800 or doing or believing the next level that I see 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:22.480 super far in my future. But I'm like, it could 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:24.800 happen now, but probably I just have to get rid 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:27.880 of a roadblock. So I'm going to get the workbook 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:30.800 and I'm just gonna go through one by one, through 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:34.080 thirteen things, and I'm gonna stop doing. I'm glad to 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:36.160 hear that, because sometimes people will say, well, I don't 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:39.120 shy away from change, and maybe they don't in certain 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:41.120 areas of their life. Maybe they do change up a 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:43.320 lots of stuff at work, or or maybe they do 0:14:43.360 --> 0:14:45.040 it in their personal life. But then you look at 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:48.280 like their romantic life, and oh maybe maybe you struggle 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:52.040 with it in just this one area. It's not necessarily universal. 0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:54.240 And we tend to think like, oh, if you have 0:14:54.280 --> 0:14:56.800 self discipline, you have it in all areas. Of your life. 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:59.360 But then we saw like an athlete who's really good 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.280 at sports, but then maybe they have an addiction behind 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:06.000 the scenes, or they're struggling with money. Like oh okay, 0:15:06.040 --> 0:15:08.080 so you can struggle with something in one area of 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.280 your life but not another. And so that's why I 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:12.080 was glad I got to write the workbook to then 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:14.440 really help people break down into like what areas of 0:15:14.480 --> 0:15:29.240 your life might you struggle with this one thing? I 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.960 need someone to just tell me what to do, like 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:35.760 I need like so for example, like I know my 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:38.800 trainers workouts and like I could I could do it 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:41.280 with like sleeping, Like I would do the same workouts. 0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:43.840 It's like, but I need her to physically come over 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:47.080 and like you do it with me and like talk 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:49.280 me through it. And it's like so I'm like and 0:15:49.640 --> 0:15:52.200 also like I just and I say, like to her, 0:15:52.240 --> 0:15:55.040 I'm like, okay, tell me what not to eat and 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:56.800 what to eat because I'm like I just need to 0:15:56.880 --> 0:16:00.160 be told like literally, and I will follow whatever or 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:03.480 you tell me to do, like I just I don't know. 0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:05.160 For me, That's how I've always it. So it's like 0:16:05.600 --> 0:16:07.480 even with therapy, I'm like, tell me how to have 0:16:07.840 --> 0:16:12.000 a good conversation to communicate with my acts or whatever. Okay, 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.400 got it. So it's like I need those roadmaps, and 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:16.200 so that's so I can gets cool. And I saw 0:16:16.240 --> 0:16:18.920 that you're coming out with the Companion workbooks. I'm curious 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.760 what that is. Yeah, So the Thirteen Things Mentally Strong 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:24.520 People Don't Do workbook does just what you said, So 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:28.120 it kind of breaks it down into like a conversation, 0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:30.360 you know, what to say, how to say things differently, 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:32.640 thoughts that you might have, how to change the thoughts, 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:35.600 how to respond to unhealthy thoughts or as the first 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:37.640 book kind of goes through that. But this one's really 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:40.240 about more detail because I've it's been nine years since 0:16:40.280 --> 0:16:43.000 I wrote Thirteen Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, and 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:45.280 in that time, I just get so many people emailing 0:16:45.280 --> 0:16:47.120 me and saying, you know, can you be my therapist? 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:49.560 And I don't have time to be everybody's therapist. So 0:16:49.600 --> 0:16:51.440 I thought I'm gonna put something out there that would 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:54.920 really help people figure it out. So it's exercises straight 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:58.000 from my therapy office that do just that. Like, Okay, 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:00.320 if you are feeling sorry for yourself, here is what 0:17:00.640 --> 0:17:02.840 here's what helps. Or if you find that you're starting 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:07.240 to resent somebody's success. Here's the strategies, and let's draw 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:09.720 out where do you put the out? Where are you 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:13.960 giving away your power in your life? And ask reflection questions. 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:16.200 There's quizzes. But then there's things to do, like right 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:18.359 there in the book, so you can pinpoint, okay, in 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:21.280 my life, here's what's keeping me stuck. And then there's 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:25.680 strategies of what can you do differently? And then the 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:29.640 companion workbook those at is that what's different about that one? 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:32.840 So that's the workbook. So it's a it's a companion 0:17:32.880 --> 0:17:35.160 guide to my first book, thirteen things mentally strngue people 0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:37.080 don't do. And then the workbook is the new one 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:44.680 the relationship like you know, oh yeah, yet companion get 0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:46.720 are always willing to do the work when it comes 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:50.679 to relationships. Yeah, wind now, yeah, yeah, I'm excited for 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:52.800 that workbook and I'm excited to dig in and be 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:54.840 real honest with myself because I'm just in a really 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:58.840 big season even in marriage. I feel like maybe I 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:01.199 need two copies actually know that we're thinking about it 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:03.240 in it it would be good to just dig in 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:07.040 together even and you know, because it is hard to 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:10.200 share a space with someone who also then is doing 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:14.119 things that mentally strong people don't do, you know, or 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:18.640 opposite you know what I'm saying, but we both need 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:20.880 to kind of, I feel like, genuinely work on those 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:25.240 things together. Yeah, and the exercises in the book, doud like, 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:27.439 some of them are really simple. People we like really 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:30.360 but like name your feelings. If you name an emotion, 0:18:30.480 --> 0:18:31.800 like it takes a sting out of it. So if 0:18:31.800 --> 0:18:35.600 you can say I'm embarrassed, I'm anxious struggling with sadness today, 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:37.760 like you feel a little bit better just by putting 0:18:37.800 --> 0:18:40.960 a name to it. So exercises like that, certainly couples 0:18:40.960 --> 0:18:43.439 could benefit from if everybody knows, all right, here's what 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:45.440 we're going to do, or when we have a conversation, 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:48.320 rather than me attempting to read your mind as you 0:18:48.359 --> 0:18:50.359 say something like, let's just figure out how do we 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:52.800 have an assertive conversation? And if I hurt your feelings, 0:18:52.840 --> 0:18:55.400 what can you do differently? And how can I respond 0:18:55.400 --> 0:18:57.679 to that so I know next time to communicate with 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:00.919 you differently too. Yeah. I almost had to take my 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:02.880 own pride away from it when I started reading about 0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:05.440