WEBVTT - The Family Table: Dinner + Beyond with Dr. Reshma Shah EP 420 0:00:09.560 --> 0:00:09.720 Hi. 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:13.840 I'm Laura Vanderkamp. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist, 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:14.440 and speaker. 0:00:15.320 --> 0:00:18.560 And I'm Sarah hart Hunger, a mother of three, practicing physician, 0:00:18.840 --> 0:00:22.040 writer and course creator. We are two working parents who 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:24.040 love our careers and our families. 0:00:24.720 --> 0:00:27.360 Welcome to best of both worlds. Here we talk about 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:30.360 how real women manage work, family, and time for fun. 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:34.200 From figuring out childcare to mapping out long term career goals. 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:39.320 We want you to get the most out of life. 0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:42.600 Welcome to best of both worlds. 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:45.479 This is Laura. This episode is airing in mid August 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:48.640 of twenty twenty five. Today, Sarah is going to be 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:52.760 interviewing doctor Raishmashaw, who is a pediatrician, also a parent 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:56.800 coach and has expertise in nutrition. I guess plant based 0:00:56.880 --> 0:00:59.520 nutrition in particular and feeding families. 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:00.520 Got They're going to. 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:05.720 Talk a lot about family meals and family rituals. Correct Sarah, Yes, 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:08.240 we are, and I get into some details. So since 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:10.640 you're not part of the interview, why don't you share 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:13.440 how your family meals are going lately? Well, we do 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.679 try to eat together. Whoever is in the house is 0:01:18.319 --> 0:01:21.280 generally expected to be at the table at the time 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:25.640 that dinner is happening. That's different times, Like we don't 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:27.840 have a set dinner time. It's sort of based on 0:01:27.920 --> 0:01:31.479 the schedule for the day, although I would say it's 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:35.240 generally sometime between six and seven is when it happens. 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:40.160 I am relaxed about some things related to family dinner. 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:43.920 Alex likes to sit at the counter rather than at 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:46.039 the table with the rest of us. I don't really 0:01:46.080 --> 0:01:48.520 know why, but I pick my battles. He's in the room, 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:52.960 he's in the same room, so there's that. Henry will 0:01:53.000 --> 0:01:56.160 sometimes sit for about three bites. I had a rule 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:58.280 at one point that he had to be on his bottom, 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:01.840 sitting down eating three bites of something healthy that was 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:05.680 on his plate before he could run up elsewhere in 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:09.320 the house. And so sometimes he would sort of literally 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:11.040 be sitting there like wait, because again it was when 0:02:11.080 --> 0:02:13.560 everyone was sitting down, he had to have the three bites. 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:16.880 So he'd be like Michael's taking his leisurely time filling 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:20.200 his plate at the stuff, and Henry's sitting there like 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:22.200 when's daddy gonna sit down so I can eat my 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:26.480 three bites and go. But we're trying to enforce proper 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:30.960 behavior at the table here, and we're slowly training people 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:33.000 with that. We rotate. Another thing we do on the 0:02:33.000 --> 0:02:35.519 other end of dinner is that each kid has a 0:02:35.600 --> 0:02:40.160 night for dishes. That's really only the older four where 0:02:40.160 --> 0:02:43.280 that happens. I don't think Henry's quite ready for doing 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:46.720 dishes himself yet, but I'm happy to report that the 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:49.120 older kids just do it. They don't argue about they 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:51.839 know that. Yeah, so far, this will obviously have to change. 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:54.679 But Monday is Jasper, Tuesday is Sam, Wednesday is Ruth, 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:58.040 Thursday is Alex. You do the dishes on that night. 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:02.240 Alex sometimes needs a little assistance, but it's good. It's 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:03.560 nice to not have to do it. 0:03:04.240 --> 0:03:08.640 I love it. I'm like, I need some more kids. 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:11.760 And so you guys do talk selective eating, correct I 0:03:11.800 --> 0:03:12.160 hear that. 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:14.959 Yes, we do have some discussions about selective eating, and 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:18.880 I think you will approve of her very gentle approach 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:21.880 and philosophy. How is that going. I know that that 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:24.840 has been something There's been multiple selective eaters in your household, 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:25.440 isn't that right? 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:28.960 Yeah? Yeah, I mean I'm pretty relaxed about this too. 0:03:29.000 --> 0:03:33.280 I mean, it is one of my pet peeves of parenting, 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:37.320 writing that people seem to feel sometimes that they've done 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:43.480 something that makes their kids adventurous eaters versus more selective ones. 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:48.000 That is clearly the result of bad parenting. Because the 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:51.600 upside of having five children is you could know that 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:54.160 you didn't do anything different but from one to the other, 0:03:54.240 --> 0:03:57.280 and yet their tastes are incredibly different in what they 0:03:57.280 --> 0:04:00.240 are willing to eat what they enjoy. 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:02.320 That you can have a child who. 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:08.120 Likes spicy mustards and basalmic vinaigrettes and ethnic food, and 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:11.440 you can have another child who will only eat fruit 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:15.640 in the form of apple sauce. And you know, I 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:18.920 don't believe that I was an awesome parent for one 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:21.440 and a crappy parent for the other, And so I'm 0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:25.200 more inclined to believe that people are who they are, 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:28.200 and sometimes you just have to work with what they 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:31.920 are and try to make things happen as they can 0:04:32.000 --> 0:04:35.640 within that it also can change over time. I'm pretty 0:04:35.640 --> 0:04:38.279 sure I've told the story on here of my little 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:43.080 brother being a highly selective eater growing up and into 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:47.400 young adulthood, and then at some point he's got a 0:04:47.440 --> 0:04:51.400 great tech job living in San Francisco and a young 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:53.680 man in possession of a good fortune must soon be 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:55.440 in want of a wife. Is that the start to 0:04:55.600 --> 0:05:00.640 Jane Austen pride and prejudice, And it turns out that 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:03.200 young women do not always wish to go out for pizza, 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:08.640 so eventually you have to deal with that. And I'm 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:11.440 happy to report that he is both married now and 0:05:11.760 --> 0:05:13.120 also eats a lot of different things. 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:14.960 So there is hope. 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:19.400 And I like to believe that my selective leader, the 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:22.560 highly selective leader in particular, will see that same success. 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:27.440 Someday. They should talk someday. 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:31.360 Someday, I don't know anyway it will happen. It will happen, 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:35.200 but kids are different. We work with what we've got 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:37.760 to So I'm excited to hear what doctor Rachma Shaw 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:38.400 has to say. 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:42.359 Well, I am so excited to welcome Rechma Shaw, doctor 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:47.320 Rachmashaw to the podcast. A fellow pediatrician. Chema is a pediatrician, 0:05:47.440 --> 0:05:50.560 a parent coach, and has expertise in plant based nutrition 0:05:50.880 --> 0:05:53.280 and feeding families. And we know at the start of 0:05:53.320 --> 0:05:57.120 the school year that dinner is often on everyone's minds, 0:05:57.160 --> 0:05:59.680 but we're going to even talk about dinner and beyond 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:02.480 Doctor Rachmshaw, So welcome to the show. 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:05.000 Thanks so much for having me. I'm really looking forward 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:06.360 to this conversation. 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:09.080 So am I. And I did want to provide you 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:12.080 with the tiny bit of my own like disclaimer stuff 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:15.360 before we get into the discussion, just because I've talked 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:19.800 about my family's kind of dinner habits before, and hey, 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:22.960 maybe I'll end up with some advice from you as well. 0:06:23.600 --> 0:06:26.800 But just for some background, my husband's a surgeon, I'm 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.839 a pediatric endocrinologist. We have three kids between the ages 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:33.159 of seven and thirteen, and we've talked on this podcast 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:37.320 a bunch about how family dinner can we think sometimes 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:41.880 be kind of like over emphasized, because in reality sometimes 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:44.200 it's harder to make that work for some families and 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:46.960 for others, and there can be other ways that you 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:49.039 might sub for that, and I am sure you have 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:52.000 a lot of insight there, and I would say, as 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:55.480 of now, we have a true family dinner once a week, 0:06:56.080 --> 0:06:58.720 then often another time a week, usually on the weekends 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:00.599 we might all eat out, and then the rest of 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:04.240 the week nights it's usually like me and anywhere from 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:07.760 zero to two kids because somebody is out doing something else. 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:11.040 My husband usually comes home later, So that's like where 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:13.000 I am. So maybe you're like, oh my gosh, what 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:16.440 a disaster. I will say we are lucky, and that 0:07:16.520 --> 0:07:18.720 my kids do enjoy a lot of different types of food, 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:20.880 so with like, the food battles aren't really a thing. 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:25.320 My kids will eat vegetables like they're pretty reasonably non picky. 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:26.960 So we're going to talk about that as well. But 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:29.440 I don't know, how does that strike you off the bat. 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:32.760 I actually think it's the perfect place to start, because 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:35.600 I think the goal of family dinner it's not to 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:38.000 just chuck something off of our list of things to do. 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:42.480 It's actually to really foster a sense of connection and 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:46.200 thoughtfulness around food and meal times. And so my definition 0:07:46.240 --> 0:07:49.320 of family meals does not mean that all the members 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.520 of the family are sitting down precisely at six point 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:55.040 thirty eating the same thing with perfect manners. Nobody does 0:07:55.120 --> 0:07:58.120 family dinner like that. My definition of family dinner, or 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:00.920 any family meal for that matter, is that whoever is 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:04.760 at home is sitting together at the table in conversation, 0:08:05.640 --> 0:08:08.960 eating food together. And so if it's one child, that 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:11.880 counts as family dinner in my mind, and I think 0:08:11.960 --> 0:08:14.280 that as parents. We really have to take the pressure 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:19.200 off of having to do everything perfectly because our kids 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:22.280 will pick up on that. And so if you actually 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:25.640 end up having family dinner where everyone, every single member 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:28.520 of the family is together and everyone is feeling stressed 0:08:28.520 --> 0:08:31.240 about it, you've defeated the purpose of family dinner. So, 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:34.000 believe it or not, you are actually having family dinner 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:35.760 pretty much every night of the week. 0:08:36.520 --> 0:08:38.040 I love this conversation already. 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:43.559 Yeah, so that's the first disclaimer. It's whoever is at home. 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:48.040 It's really to combat the idea that you're eating dinner 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:50.840 at the dinner table, your kids eating dinner in front 0:08:50.840 --> 0:08:53.079 of their computer screen in their room. That doesn't work 0:08:53.120 --> 0:08:56.240 as family dinner. But if you're pausing whoever's in the house. 0:08:56.280 --> 0:09:00.599 And I've had teenagers in the house with multiple sports activities, 0:09:00.600 --> 0:09:03.599 and sometimes family dinner means that we're not going to 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:05.720 wait for the kid that's getting home at eight thirty 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:09.400 or nine from practice. But when that kid does come home, 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:12.000 they're sitting down for dinner, and I'm going to sit 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:14.280 and have a conversation. That counts as family dinner too. 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:17.240 So it's really letting go of this idea of perfection 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:19.960 of having a home cooked meal at the same time, 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:23.400 everybody has to be there with great manners and say 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:26.200 thank you mom for making a delicious meal that happens 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.600 in zero percent of family. So you are doing family 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:31.840 meal really beautifully awesome. 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:34.800 Okay, well, now that we've dealt with my issues, and 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:37.920 I love that love. I love the more flexible approach, 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:41.160 the open mindedness, and I guess yeah, it does reflect 0:09:41.160 --> 0:09:45.960 what's actually important about being together, the presence versus like 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:51.439 some specific imagery that probably came from like nineteen fifty. Anyway, Yeah, I. 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:54.840 Remember one time when my kids were much younger, the 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:57.880 sports and other activities. I remember sometimes family dinner would 0:09:57.880 --> 0:09:59.960 be me and my younger child having a little pit 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:02.600 make dinner while my older child was at practice. So 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:05.240 you just have to be creative. And the point really 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:08.080 is is are you present, are you sharing a meal? 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:11.400 Are you having conversations? And is it a pleasant experience 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:12.920 for both you and your children? 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.719 Okay, well, then let's start there, because I think a 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:19.120 common challenge we get in this realm is that the 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:21.880 kids are really young, or maybe there's even just one 0:10:21.960 --> 0:10:23.960 really young kid, because you know, you can have a 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:25.880 couple of school age kids but you throw an eighteen 0:10:25.920 --> 0:10:27.920 month old in there, and like all of a sudden, 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:33.920 things are wildly different. Stuff is being thrones, there's crying, whatever. 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:36.320 So what would you say to families who are like, 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:39.199 we keep trying to make it work and every time 0:10:39.280 --> 0:10:42.160 we end up disappointed because we just end up with 0:10:42.200 --> 0:10:45.000 tantrums at the table and it's misery. What advice do 0:10:45.040 --> 0:10:46.319 you have for that situation? 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.480 Yeah, and I think it's really sort of being curious 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:53.320 about where you think the friction is. So and for 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:55.240 every family it's going to look a little bit different. 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:57.559 And that's why I think really like a personalized conversation. 0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:00.840 There's no one size fits all model when it comes 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:03.760 to pailing nails. So if you notice that your eighteen 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:05.840 month old is starting out okay at the table, but 0:11:06.120 --> 0:11:09.360 fifteen minutes in, twenty minutes in, they're just done and 0:11:09.400 --> 0:11:11.360 ready to be out of there, it might be changing 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:14.560 your expectations of how long can an eighteen month old 0:11:14.600 --> 0:11:17.760 reasonably sit at the table. The average American family spends 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:21.319 seventeen minutes at the dinner table, So wanting to have 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:23.200 your eighteen month old, two year old, or even four 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:25.960 year old sit at the table engaging in pleasant conversation 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:28.839 for half an hour might be an unrealistic expectation. So 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:34.160 the first thing is set reasonable expectations and they pick 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:36.480 up on our stress. So if you're really anxious and 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.200 you're always correcting them around the behavior at the table, 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:42.800 it's going to really create a tense environment. So come 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:45.800 to the table, have reasonable expectations, and then when you're 0:11:45.840 --> 0:11:48.920 noticing if they keep throwing food off the table, maybe 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:50.920 you need to start with a really small portion size 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:53.840 and then kind of add in from there. So focusing 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:57.040 it in on where is the friction, having reasonable expectations, 0:11:57.240 --> 0:11:59.959 and then getting really curious and creative about the problem 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:02.840 solving you can do. So, whether it's serving smaller portions 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:05.920 once they're done with their meal, maybe the eighteen month 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:08.440 old is allowed to play with some blocks at the table, 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.400 whether rest of the people finish it, or so really 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:13.800 coming up with some creative solutions to whatever point of 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:15.880 friction you're facing. But I think the number one thing 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:19.080 is really having realistic expectations of what your child can 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:19.680 reasonably do. 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:23.880 Totally makes sense. Yeah, all right, Well, the next common dilemma, 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:26.880 and I'm sure you saw this one coming, is very 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:32.040 selective eaters. My co host Laura has five children, and 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:34.400 some of them are not very selective, and some of 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:38.880 them are extremely selective, and she uses that, I think 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:41.280 to reassure people sometimes that people love to be like, 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:43.040 it's what you did, and she's like, I didn't do 0:12:43.160 --> 0:12:48.559 anything different. They are their own people, So it can 0:12:48.679 --> 0:12:50.800 still be a certainly a point of friction and a 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.320 lot of families, especially when you're trying to serve things 0:12:53.320 --> 0:12:56.480 that are not going to cause a lot of drama. So, yeah, 0:12:56.640 --> 0:12:59.200 are your go to strategies for those with selective eaters 0:12:59.240 --> 0:12:59.760 in the family. 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:02.800 So I think the first thing is it really depends 0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:05.679 on how selective we're talking. So there's some kids that 0:13:05.720 --> 0:13:08.439 are sort of garden variety I won't eat green things 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:10.880 or this week I like this, and that's what I 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:12.600 call garden riety picky eating, and there's a lot of 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:17.920 strategies for that. Some kids have highly selective eating, often 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.440 with underlying neurodevelopmental or medical issues. So if you're dealing 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:25.960 with a kid who perhaps has autism or significant food 0:13:26.000 --> 0:13:30.040 allergies or swallowing dysfunction, these are kids that probably need 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:34.280 some specialized support, whether it's an intervention from a gastreenrologist, 0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:39.800 a feeding therapist, behavioral therapist, neure developmental pediatricians. And it 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:41.920 represents about one to five percent of kids who have 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:45.480 that really highly selective eating. It's not a parenting issue, 0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:47.679 and it's not a kid doing something wrong issue. It's 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:51.120 the families often need a lot more support the other 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:53.800 sort of garden variety picky eating. I think it comes 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:57.320 down to two things. One is individual pat child temperament. 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:00.360 Some kids are just more selective and some kids are 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:02.920 more adventurous, and that's not really anything that you can 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:06.360 necessarily change. It's kind of like a personality thing. Some 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:08.360 kids are more outgoing and some kids are a little 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:11.120 bit more introverted. And so knowing the temperament of your child, 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:13.240 are they really eager to try new things or are 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:15.679 they really that slow to warm, they need a lot 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:17.920 more exposure. So that's the first part, and then the 0:14:18.000 --> 0:14:20.880 second part really is the parental response to that. So 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:23.480 what happens is you might have a garden variety picky 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:25.480 eater and they need a little bit more support, they 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:28.240 need a little bit more encouragement, and the parent can 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:31.640 kind of overreact and then you start this sort of 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:36.280 battle situation. Where the parents are either bribing, they're negotiating, 0:14:36.600 --> 0:14:41.720 they're forcing, they're making dessert contingent upon how many mites 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:43.800 of broccoli you have. So you take sort of a 0:14:43.880 --> 0:14:48.120 mild feeding difficulty and you just explode it by the 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:50.960 parents reaction. And parents are very well meaning. They're doing 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:53.560 these strategies because they're afraid their kids aren't eating a 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:55.560 variety of foods, they're not getting the new dreams. So 0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:58.520 I've heard parents saying, I'll do anything. I'll stand upside 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:00.200 down for twenty minutes if that's what it it takes 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:02.600 to get my kid to eat more broccoli or fill 0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:05.960 in the bank blank. So what I often recommend is 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:09.040 that parents sort of backtrack some of the pressure techniques. 0:15:09.080 --> 0:15:12.320 And it feels really scary because oftentimes parents will say, well, 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:15.160 if I don't promise them this, or threaten this, or 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:19.240 negotiate this, they won't eat any vegetable for weeks on end. 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:21.680 And the truth is, I found time and time again, 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:24.560 is that if parents take the pressure off and they 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:28.920 go back to core feeding dynamics principles of the division 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:32.120 of responsibility which we learned in pediatrics, which is parents 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:35.120 decide the when, the what, and the where of eating, 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:36.840 and then it's up to the child to decide how 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.240 much and whether they're going to eat the foods. It 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:42.720 seems really scary at first, but the less pressure that 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:46.640 kids eat, the more capable they are to try new foods. 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:48.640 And if you've got the kid that has the more 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.320 selective temperament, just knowing that it's going to take a 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:56.360 lot more exposures, a lot more pleasant experiences before they're 0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:58.120 going to try the food. And I often this is 0:15:58.160 --> 0:15:59.920 not just for feeding, but this is for general parenting. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:02.840 It's like parenting the child you have rather than the 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:05.080 child you wish you had or the traits that you wish. 0:16:05.320 --> 0:16:08.520 We all want adventurous eaters, but sometimes if you have 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:10.480 a child that's really got selective eating, they just have 0:16:10.600 --> 0:16:12.840 that temperament, you actually have to go slower and have 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:15.160 more patience, which is often not easy. 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:18.320 I know, which totally makes sense. I sometimes also feel 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:21.640 like sometimes people are looking for some badge that their 0:16:21.720 --> 0:16:24.240 kid eats X, Y Z, you know, food, and the 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:27.000 truth is, if it's not interfering with their lives and 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:30.560 they're getting enough nutrition overall, like looking zooming out of 0:16:30.600 --> 0:16:32.840 the big picture, maybe it's like less of a problem 0:16:32.880 --> 0:16:35.240 which might take some of the pressure off, which would, paradoxically, 0:16:35.640 --> 0:16:37.880 from what I hear you saying, maybe even improve things. 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:41.440 Yeah, And I think it's like parents, like we grade 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:45.040 ourselves very harshly on all the things many how much wealthly, 0:16:45.120 --> 0:16:47.960 how much sleep, how much screen time, and we can 0:16:48.160 --> 0:16:49.960 just sort of pat ourselves on the back and say 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:52.920 we're doing the best that we can and be open 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.600 to the possibility that your child is actually going to 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:58.800 have a normal diet as they are adults, because I 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:00.800 know a lot of parents are thinking, like, I'm going 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:02.360 to have a kid that never eats a vegetable in 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:05.200 their entire life, and that's not the case. I think 0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:08.840 that oftentimes, really the number one thing that parents can 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:11.560 do is to make the eating environment, the dinner table, 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:15.639 a pleasant environment, and it gives kids the permission to 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:18.680 relax and be able to try new foods because they're 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:20.639 not feeling so much pressure around it. 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:22.840 I love that. Well, we're going to take a quick 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:25.000 break and be back with a few more dilemmas, maybe 0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:39.879 for some older kids. All right, well, are back, and 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:42.960 I already hinted at one of these fairly common dilemmas 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.879 that can get in the way of the family table 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:49.800 or the family meal. But many kids these days have 0:17:50.080 --> 0:17:52.479 a lot of activities, and I do feel like there 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:55.159 is this very common arc where people say, I am 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:58.320 not going to do that. I value my evenings, I 0:17:58.400 --> 0:17:59.800 want to be home, so I'm not going to put 0:17:59.800 --> 0:18:01.720 my kid in x y Z. But then their kids 0:18:01.760 --> 0:18:03.159 friends end up at X y Z and their kid 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:05.920 wants to be an x y Z and you're like, okay, yeah, 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:08.919 And I'm absolutely one of those people. I think I said, oh, 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:10.240 we're not going to do that much, and I ended 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:13.159 up with like a competitive gymnast and a travel soccer 0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:18.040 player at one point. So okay, knowing that, how can 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:22.080 we still cultivate some of the family dinner feel in 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:25.200 a context where everyone might be going in different directions. 0:18:26.160 --> 0:18:27.840 Yeah, And I think this is really going to depend 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:29.800 on the age of your children. So when you have 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:31.800 kids that are younger and they need to have, like 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:34.840 especially if you have spanning younger and older kids, and 0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:36.840 the younger kids really need their bedtime and you want 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:38.399 to make sure you get all the things in, it 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:41.760 might mean that you're doing sort of different dinner times 0:18:41.920 --> 0:18:45.159 for different people. But as their kids get older, you 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:47.560 can sort of if your family can tolerate a little 0:18:47.600 --> 0:18:49.520 bit later of a dinner, that might be a way 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:51.640 to sort of include everybody. And that's certainly what we did. 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:54.680 We would push dinner back and so we could get 0:18:54.760 --> 0:18:56.560 all the kids at the and for our family, that 0:18:56.720 --> 0:18:58.400 was a real priority, So I was willing to push 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:00.760 dinner back. For some families, it doesn't working. You just 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:04.080 do the best that you can. I think limiting sports 0:19:04.119 --> 0:19:06.800 can definitely be one approach, and many families have found 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:09.240 success in that. Our family, i think is more like 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:12.200 your family. If our kids were committed to an activity, 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:16.760 they showed an aptitude or a real desire to participate. 0:19:17.520 --> 0:19:21.080 As long as it wasn't interfering with their other important 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:23.680 things like sleep and friendships and things like that, we 0:19:23.840 --> 0:19:27.800 tended to let them have the experiences. And for one 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:30.480 of my kids, for both my kids, actually their sports 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:34.119 activities ended up being a really great source of community 0:19:34.200 --> 0:19:38.800 and friendship and leadership skills and commitment and all these 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:40.560 things that we really want our children to have. So 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:42.960 every family's going to have to find their balance with that. 0:19:44.119 --> 0:19:46.560 One of the things actually from a preparation maybe we'll 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:49.119 touch on this is I think making it as easy 0:19:49.600 --> 0:19:53.280 as possible for about six to seven to eight windows, 0:19:53.320 --> 0:19:55.720 So if that means prepping some ingredients ahead of time, 0:19:56.000 --> 0:19:58.679 having some quick, easy go to meals that don't require 0:19:59.720 --> 0:20:02.040 my was when the kids were ready to eat, to 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.600 have dinner ready, so there wasn't that extra time of 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:06.800 like we just got home from soccer, Now we have 0:20:06.920 --> 0:20:08.760 to think about what's going to happen for dinner. So 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:11.360 I think some amount of just probably feeds really into 0:20:11.440 --> 0:20:15.800 your sphere of excellence and influences some planning and some 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:19.800 preparations so that you're not planning to decide what's for 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.040 dinner at six thirty when everybody's already hungry. 0:20:23.240 --> 0:20:25.920 And there's definitely certain type even getting into the weeds, 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:27.760 like certain types of meals that are easier to like 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:30.320 maybe serve over two shifts, or like you know, you 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:32.160 have younger ones, you can give it to them at six, 0:20:32.240 --> 0:20:34.560 but it's very easy to like keep the crock put 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:36.480