1 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: Hey to your Therapist listeners. It's Lori and Guy and 2 00:01:12,479 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: we have a quick update. 3 00:01:13,839 --> 00:01:16,039 Speaker 2: Many of you have told us that you get something 4 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,439 Speaker 2: new out of each episode when you listen to it 5 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:21,719 Speaker 2: again the second or third time. In fact, when we 6 00:01:21,839 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 2: listen to the episodes again, we also get takeaways we 7 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 2: didn't remember. 8 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 1: We're They're therapy is like that too. There are so 9 00:01:28,199 --> 00:01:30,839 Speaker 1: many learning moments in a session, and it's difficult to 10 00:01:30,919 --> 00:01:33,439 Speaker 1: absorb them all at once. So while we're not taping 11 00:01:33,559 --> 00:01:37,039 Speaker 1: new episodes right now, we are offering you our most 12 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 1: popular sessions as encores so that you can continue to 13 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 1: gain value from them. 14 00:01:41,759 --> 00:01:45,319 Speaker 2: We love doing the Therapists episodes, but we're each busy 15 00:01:45,359 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 2: with new and exciting projects that we hope you will 16 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 2: love just as much. 17 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,679 Speaker 1: I have a new advice podcast called Since You Asked, 18 00:01:52,799 --> 00:01:55,160 Speaker 1: which you can get wherever you listen to podcasts. 19 00:01:55,359 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 2: And I have a new book coming out. It's called 20 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:03,559 Speaker 2: Mind Overgrind, How to Break Free when work Hijacks your life, 21 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 2: and it will be published by Simon and Schuster. You 22 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 2: can find out more about it on my website. 23 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,519 Speaker 1: You can learn more about these on our socials. And meanwhile, 24 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,639 Speaker 1: we hope you find these Dear Therapists sessions as valuable 25 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:18,439 Speaker 1: as we have making them for you. 26 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 3: Hey, fellow travelers. I'm Laurie Gottlieb. 27 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: I'm the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, 28 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: and I write the Dear Therapist advice column for The Atlantic. 29 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 4: And I'm Guy Wench. I wrote Emotional First Aid and 30 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 4: I write the Dear Guy Collumn for Ted And this 31 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,279 Speaker 4: is Dear Therapists. This week we'll talk about the challenges 32 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 4: of blending families together. When young children are. 33 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,839 Speaker 5: Involved, I'll say, oh, everything is going fine, Maybe heay 34 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,359 Speaker 5: is going to be a good day. And I certainly 35 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,919 Speaker 5: don't know what to say when she's like, I hate you. 36 00:02:50,959 --> 00:02:51,679 Speaker 5: Get away from me. 37 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,200 Speaker 1: Listen in and maybe learn something about yourself and the process. 38 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,359 Speaker 4: Hi, Laurie, Hey Guy, Ready for this week's letter. I 39 00:02:59,519 --> 00:03:05,320 Speaker 4: am great, Dear Therapists. I've been dating a single dad 40 00:03:05,399 --> 00:03:08,320 Speaker 4: for two years. We've known each other for thirteen years, 41 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 4: and we've reconnected after our divorces. I do not have 42 00:03:11,839 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 4: any kids and his are six and eight. We do 43 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,039 Speaker 4: not live together, and I see them two to three 44 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,159 Speaker 4: weekends a month. His son, he is eight, he's a sweetheart. 45 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 4: His daughter, the six year old, she hates me one 46 00:03:24,359 --> 00:03:27,839 Speaker 4: minute and loves me ten minutes later. This roller coaster 47 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 4: usually lasts throughout the weekend. She says mean things like 48 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,600 Speaker 4: I'm fatter than her mom, or I make crappy grilled cheese, 49 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 4: or that she reminds me constantly that I'm not her 50 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 4: mum and I can't tell her what to do, even 51 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 4: though I don't discipline, I follow all the books that 52 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,439 Speaker 4: say not to. I'm not trying to be her mum 53 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 4: at all. So how do I help this little girl 54 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,320 Speaker 4: with a divorce or me? Or how do I at 55 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 4: least try to survive it? Being in my position? I 56 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 4: feel like I should love her, but I don't even 57 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 4: like her most days. Signed Priscilla. 58 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 3: So blended families, even though they're not married. 59 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 1: Let's call them a blended family, because that's basically what 60 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 1: they are operating as. And they're really hard because in 61 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: any relationship, you're navigating the couple itself, but there are 62 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: all these other people involved. You have exes and children involved, 63 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,800 Speaker 1: and the children are an integral part of the couple's relationship. 64 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 4: And learning families takes time, often as he is, before 65 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 4: the family can feel fully comfortable and that they've made 66 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,839 Speaker 4: the transition, and that's when it's happening almost full time. 67 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 4: Here she's there just a few weekends a month. But 68 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 4: what I think is that she's underestimating how it's going. 69 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 4: The fact that the boy is fine with her, the 70 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,720 Speaker 4: fact that the little girl, ten minutes after she says 71 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,079 Speaker 4: I hate you, says I love you and it's cool 72 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 4: with her, and I think she's perhaps having too high 73 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,440 Speaker 4: a bar of how it should go. 74 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, she's thinking to herself, well, why is the girl 75 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,039 Speaker 1: acting this way when I'm doing nothing to try to 76 00:04:57,039 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 1: be her mom? And she can't imagine the kid's point 77 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,919 Speaker 1: of view instead of thinking about why is she accusing 78 00:05:03,919 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 1: me of things that I'm not doing? To try to 79 00:05:05,919 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: understand what is actually going on with this little girl. 80 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 4: Right, And I think that the only way she can 81 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,599 Speaker 4: fully understand the little girl's point of view is to 82 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 4: understand the mom's point of view, because the girl is 83 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 4: representing her mom here in quite a significant way, and 84 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 4: so Priscilla needs to understand not just the girl's point 85 00:05:24,799 --> 00:05:27,279 Speaker 4: of view, but the girl's mother's point of view, so 86 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 4: she knows that when she's talking to the girl, she's 87 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 4: really talking to the mom. A lot of the time. 88 00:05:32,159 --> 00:05:35,040 Speaker 1: That's true, she's so young. You think they've been together 89 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: for two years. And so the girl was four when 90 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,119 Speaker 1: this couple got together. And I'm imagining that the mom 91 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 1: had concerns about how much this new woman was going 92 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 1: to be a maternal figure to her daughter. Would the 93 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: mom be left out? The age of the kids is 94 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,880 Speaker 1: really important here too. Some people think, oh, when they're younger, 95 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: it's easier. In some ways, when they're younger, it's harder. 96 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 1: And I think we need to understand the system as 97 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,360 Speaker 1: a whole. How is that different from the family system 98 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: they used to have, and also the system that they 99 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,479 Speaker 1: have when they're spending time with their mom. 100 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 4: And I'm also curious a little bit about the boy. 101 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 4: He doesn't seem to be a big player here at all. 102 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,200 Speaker 4: He just seems to be fine with whatever. It could 103 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,119 Speaker 4: be that the conflict with the girl is orienting Priscilla 104 00:06:20,159 --> 00:06:22,320 Speaker 4: towards the girl and she's ignoring stuff that might be 105 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,160 Speaker 4: happening with a boy. 106 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're talking about family systems. We should mention that 107 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,280 Speaker 1: there's always an identified patient, what we call an IP, 108 00:06:29,599 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 1: and it might be that the girl is holding all 109 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:36,799 Speaker 1: the symptoms for whatever distress. This disruption has caused and 110 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 1: she looks like the problem, but we don't really know yet, and. 111 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 4: We'll get Priscilla in for a consultation after a quick break. 112 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,960 Speaker 3: You're listening to Dear Therapists for my Heart Radio. 113 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,920 Speaker 4: This is Deotherapists. 114 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 3: Thanks for listening, So why don't we go and talk 115 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 3: to Perc. 116 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 6: Hi? 117 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 3: Priscilla, Hi, Yes. 118 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 4: Thank you so much for coming on our show. We 119 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 4: really want to ask you a few questions about your letter, 120 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,360 Speaker 4: and one of those is we wanted to get a 121 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 4: better sense of your boyfriend of the dad. What does 122 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 4: position in all of this? What does he do when 123 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 4: his daughter is criticizing you? 124 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 5: Sure, when he's there, he's very good at saying you 125 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 5: know that's not very nice, please apologize. Sometimes he's not there, 126 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 5: then I don't tell him about it because I don't 127 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 5: want to be a tattletail. So if he is there 128 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 5: and he hears it, he does support me and he 129 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 5: lets them know that what she's doing is not right. 130 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 4: Okay? And how frequent are these moments of oh, I 131 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 4: hate you and you don't make good Glucci sandwiches? 132 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,160 Speaker 5: I would say twenty five percent is her saying I 133 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 5: love you can you come play with me right after 134 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,520 Speaker 5: a time that she has been pretty mean, But most 135 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 5: of the times that are difficult are about seventy five 136 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 5: percent of the time. 137 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 3: Well, you're actually doing a really good job. 138 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: And I know that sounds off because of the ratio 139 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 1: that you just gave us, but blended families are really hard, 140 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 1: and I think you have to remember that whatever is 141 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 1: going on with the kids has a lot to do 142 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 1: with what's going on in the family she is coming from, 143 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,520 Speaker 1: and part of that family is her mom. 144 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:33,959 Speaker 3: And I want to be. 145 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:40,440 Speaker 1: Really careful here not to criticize the mom, because the 146 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: mom probably has a lot of feelings about the fact 147 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 1: that she is not seeing her children all the time 148 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:52,200 Speaker 1: now that there's another adult in her children's lives, and 149 00:08:52,839 --> 00:08:55,320 Speaker 1: that could be really hard on her. And the little 150 00:08:55,360 --> 00:09:01,959 Speaker 1: girl probably feels torn between seeing that her mother might 151 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:07,320 Speaker 1: be struggling with this and also wanting to form a 152 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:13,199 Speaker 1: relationship with you, but maybe feeling almost disloyal in doing so. 153 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 4: So in essence, what the girl is representing is her 154 00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:21,839 Speaker 4: idea of what the mom needs her to represent, whether 155 00:09:21,839 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 4: the mom expressed that or not, wants to have to 156 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 4: do that or not. So you're not really talking to 157 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 4: the girl. A lot of the time you're talking to 158 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 4: the mom through the girl, and so it's important to 159 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:38,679 Speaker 4: consider that because the girl is not just being rude 160 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 4: or defiant, she's actually being loyal, she's actually being loving 161 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 4: toward her mom. But once she has she's you know, 162 00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 4: kind of checked the box, done her duty, then she 163 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,719 Speaker 4: can afford to just be how she really feels with you. 164 00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 5: Okay, so that makes a lot of sense. And she 165 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 5: I think I have a hard time switching back and forth, 166 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,480 Speaker 5: and I certainly don't know what to say when she's 167 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 5: like I hate you. Get away from me after we've 168 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 5: just been playing and say, oh, everything is going fine, 169 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 5: maybe today's going to be a good day, and then 170 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 5: obviously it's not until it is again maybe half an 171 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 5: hour later. 172 00:10:11,079 --> 00:10:15,439 Speaker 1: Priscilla, I'm wondering, what do you say in those moments when. 173 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,399 Speaker 6: She says the mean things. 174 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 5: Well, sometimes I say I'm sorry, I don't hate you. 175 00:10:19,839 --> 00:10:22,199 Speaker 5: I'm your friend and I really like hanging out with you. 176 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 5: There are moments where I'm not so great and I. 177 00:10:24,839 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 6: Say, well, why would you say that? I need to 178 00:10:26,839 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 6: know why why do you hate me? 179 00:10:28,119 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: The important thing here to remember is that it's okay 180 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,840 Speaker 1: for her to have the feelings that she's having. The 181 00:10:34,879 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: way that she expresses them is problematic, but it's okay 182 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,239 Speaker 1: for her to feel how she feels. She doesn't know 183 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: what to do with these very big feelings that she's having, 184 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,719 Speaker 1: and so trying to talk her out of her feelings 185 00:10:47,839 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 1: or trying to have her back up her feelings with 186 00:10:50,599 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: I need three bullet points on. 187 00:10:51,839 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 3: Why you hate me. 188 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,359 Speaker 1: Yeah, she's not able to do that. She's six years old, 189 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: and so I think first of all, what would feel 190 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 1: so good for her is for her mom and her 191 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,200 Speaker 1: dad to be talking to her about what is going 192 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,400 Speaker 1: on and how are you feeling about all of these changes, 193 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:11,440 Speaker 1: and when she says I don't like Priscilla, that they said, 194 00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: you don't have to like Priscilla, but you do have 195 00:11:13,599 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 1: to be kind and respectful, and it gives her the 196 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: freedom to be okay with the conflict of I'm having 197 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,720 Speaker 1: these feelings I don't like the divorce, and I also 198 00:11:26,599 --> 00:11:28,720 Speaker 1: kind of I'm starting to like this other woman. 199 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 4: Yeah, you said, so, we we're playing. Everything's very nice, 200 00:11:33,879 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 4: and suddenly I say, you know the next thing because 201 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,560 Speaker 4: we're having a good time, and she's like, no, I 202 00:11:37,599 --> 00:11:40,359 Speaker 4: hate you. I don't want to talk to you. She's 203 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 4: saying that because you just had a good time. She 204 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 4: hates you after she feels that she loves you. The 205 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:51,120 Speaker 4: picture of what the I hate you statement is about 206 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 4: hit in fact, means oops, I love you too much 207 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,080 Speaker 4: right now now I need to hate you because I'm 208 00:11:55,079 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 4: going to feel guilty. 209 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 1: The thing is that for her liking you is dangerous. 210 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,239 Speaker 1: The minute that she feels that she likes you, this 211 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,759 Speaker 1: alarm bell goes off in her and she doesn't know 212 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: what to do with it. And you say, that's not 213 00:12:09,839 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: going on with the boy. What's his relationship like with 214 00:12:13,119 --> 00:12:16,120 Speaker 1: his mom compared to what the girl's relationship is like 215 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:16,680 Speaker 1: with her mom? 216 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,119 Speaker 5: From what I hear, because their mom doesn't want to 217 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,920 Speaker 5: meet me, he's very affectionate with her too. And it 218 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 5: seems that his daughter is very touch and go with 219 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:27,919 Speaker 5: the mom. 220 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 4: Too, meaning that she's having conflict with her mom as well. 221 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: Yes, it's interesting too that you've been dating for two 222 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 1: years and there's this co parenting situation, but that she 223 00:12:41,119 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: has not wanted to meet you, and yet her kids 224 00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:47,239 Speaker 1: are spending a significant amount of time with you. How 225 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,439 Speaker 1: does your boyfriend talk to you about what's going on 226 00:12:50,839 --> 00:12:52,079 Speaker 1: with his divorce. 227 00:12:54,079 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 5: It's a pretty contentious situation. They aren't in a oh 228 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,880 Speaker 5: I think what I would say a co parenting situation. 229 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 5: They are in a limited speaking situation. Most communication happens 230 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:04,840 Speaker 5: via email. 231 00:13:05,359 --> 00:13:07,720 Speaker 1: And how do you and your boyfriend talk about your 232 00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: role in this emerging family that you're creating with the boyfriend, I. 233 00:13:14,079 --> 00:13:16,279 Speaker 5: Don't know that we talk about my role and that 234 00:13:16,319 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 5: he says, I'm very happy that you're in their life. 235 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 5: I'm happy that you're a friend for them, and he 236 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 5: wants me to be comfortable spending time with them. 237 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 6: Of course, I think he does very much want me 238 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,360 Speaker 6: to live with them. I have put the brakes on 239 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 6: that because I don't think it's a good time right now. 240 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 5: So that's how we've talked about it. 241 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:37,319 Speaker 4: Look, you are in the toughest position in the blended 242 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 4: family scenario because her parents are not communicating other than 243 00:13:41,879 --> 00:13:44,720 Speaker 4: in emails. They're not really having a productive conversation to 244 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,679 Speaker 4: try and co parent and help this girl deal with 245 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 4: the emotional conflict the divorce presents, so she's left to 246 00:13:52,119 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 4: deal with it on her own with messages from mom 247 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 4: that you are not to be greeted. Then here's what 248 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,920 Speaker 4: sets up a loyalty conflict. If nothing else, and there's 249 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,840 Speaker 4: plenty else. That's why this girl is in conflict. She 250 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 4: likes you, she has fun with you, yet mom doesn't 251 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 4: like you, and so it's not okay, really like you, 252 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 4: and so she can get over that a lot of 253 00:14:11,599 --> 00:14:14,280 Speaker 4: the time, but not all of the time, and not 254 00:14:14,319 --> 00:14:16,240 Speaker 4: even most of the time. And I just want you 255 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 4: to have a very different perspective on what's going on, 256 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,960 Speaker 4: so that you see it that way rather than I 257 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 4: must be failing or the girl must be too difficult 258 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 4: because we're not. 259 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 5: Connecting all the time, both of those things. Actually, I 260 00:14:29,359 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 5: think I think both of those things, and I have 261 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,879 Speaker 5: never thought of it that way. And honestly, in the 262 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 5: first time in two years, I feel bad for her 263 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,600 Speaker 5: because I have not felt that way the whole time. 264 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 6: It has just been difficult. 265 00:14:41,119 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 5: So thank you for I think, allowing me to feel 266 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 5: bad for her. And I don't know if there is 267 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,560 Speaker 5: a role for me to help her in this. 268 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 1: We're gonna talk in a second and come up with 269 00:14:50,359 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: some advice for you and will help you manage that 270 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 1: a little bit. But first I had one more question. 271 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: I want to know more about your relationship with your boyfriend. 272 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: Tell me about the relationship and tell me about the 273 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 1: quality and the depth of the kinds of conversations that 274 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:09,239 Speaker 1: you have, because it sounds like this divorce is a big, big, 275 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,960 Speaker 1: big part of his life, and I don't know how 276 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,720 Speaker 1: much you talk about that. Is that compartmentalized so that 277 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: you guys have this romantic time together, but you're not 278 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,440 Speaker 1: really talking about this whole other piece of his life 279 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,320 Speaker 1: that's going on in the background. How are things between 280 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 1: the two of you, And in terms of even talking 281 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 1: about your life goals? When he says I want you 282 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,640 Speaker 1: to move in with me and you're not really ready, 283 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: do you have the same ideas about what you both 284 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: want in the future. 285 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 5: So, yeah, we've known each other for thirteen years. We 286 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,800 Speaker 5: liked each other back then, timing wasn't right, and you know, 287 00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 5: over the years we loosely stayed in touch, and then 288 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,720 Speaker 5: we got married and divorced, and I've been divorced for 289 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,160 Speaker 5: two years. He roughly the same time. It was official, 290 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 5: about a year ago. The first year, I think we 291 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 5: were very much, yes, trying to be focused on building 292 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,239 Speaker 5: a relationship for us one to two days a week, 293 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 5: which is kind of tough, so we didn't talk too 294 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 5: much about those other things. But now that his divorce 295 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 5: has been final and they're having some he and his 296 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 5: ex wife are having some difficulties dealing with custody issues 297 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,840 Speaker 5: and child support and school choices and all that sort 298 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,279 Speaker 5: of stuff. I hear about it, and I think it's 299 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,200 Speaker 5: been starting to weigh on us as a couple, because 300 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,560 Speaker 5: I think he is missing me a lot and he 301 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 5: wants me to spend more time with them, and just 302 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 5: having two years out from a divorce, I'm really finally 303 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,680 Speaker 5: for once I had a difficult marriage. I'm very happy 304 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,280 Speaker 5: in my life where it is right now that I 305 00:16:30,359 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 5: get to have some peaceful time on my own, I 306 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,519 Speaker 5: get some time with him, we get some time as 307 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 5: a group together. I know he wants it to happen 308 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 5: right now because he really wants me to be there 309 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,879 Speaker 5: and he loves having his time with me, and he 310 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,639 Speaker 5: has expressed to me that brings him peace and calmness 311 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 5: when I'm there with him or there with him and 312 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 5: his kids, And I would agree. I love spending time 313 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 5: with him. I think we do have the same goals 314 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 5: as far as living together. I'm looking at it as 315 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 5: a couple years down the road when because in my mind, 316 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 5: the child's situation settles down a little bit, and I 317 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,000 Speaker 5: didn't have kids in my life, so I think I'm 318 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,480 Speaker 5: still trying to adjust to having kids and what that means. 319 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:11,040 Speaker 5: I did not go off around little children either, so 320 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,600 Speaker 5: there's also a lot for me to adjust to that too. 321 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,520 Speaker 3: Did you plan on not having children? 322 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:18,800 Speaker 6: I did. 323 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,880 Speaker 5: I was married to an alcoholic for ten years, and 324 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,040 Speaker 5: so I chose to not have kids with him for 325 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 5: a very good reason. And then just kind of a 326 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,800 Speaker 5: custom myself to saying I'm not going to be someone 327 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 5: that is able to have kids. 328 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,560 Speaker 1: So it wasn't that you didn't imagine yourself as a parent, 329 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: it was that you didn't imagine yourself in that situation 330 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: as a parent. 331 00:17:36,879 --> 00:17:37,280 Speaker 3: That's right. 332 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,000 Speaker 1: And let me just ask you, what is your boyfriend's 333 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,399 Speaker 1: relationship with his daughter. 334 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,880 Speaker 5: Sure, in the beginning, I saw how does he love 335 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,720 Speaker 5: this child so much when she's so difficult to him 336 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 5: as well? I think she acts out quite a bit, 337 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 5: pushes his boundaries as well. I think we all walk 338 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,959 Speaker 5: on eggshells around her, waiting for her to kind of 339 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 5: erupt with some sort of behavior. 340 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 6: So he really really. 341 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,160 Speaker 5: Wants to try to have a better relationship with her. 342 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:06,080 Speaker 4: If the girl were easier, would you consider moving in sooner? 343 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,320 Speaker 4: Or is it's not that necessarily that's stopping you. 344 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 5: Oh, such a good question, because I have asked myself 345 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 5: that I almost have said if she wasn't in the 346 00:18:14,439 --> 00:18:16,999 Speaker 5: picture and it was just me and my boyfriend and 347 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 5: his son, would I want to do it. I think 348 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 5: the timeline would be shorter, but I still wouldn't be 349 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,640 Speaker 5: ready to move in right now. I am still enjoying 350 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 5: my life as it is right now. 351 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,879 Speaker 3: So guy, let's give Priscilla some advice. 352 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,039 Speaker 4: So you know, it's an interesting thing that's going on 353 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:42,400 Speaker 4: because to us, it seems that everyone's struggling here. It's 354 00:18:42,399 --> 00:18:46,479 Speaker 4: not just the girl who's struggling or you that's struggling 355 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 4: because of her. Everyone seems to be struggling, And again, 356 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:55,119 Speaker 4: completely normative given the situation. Divorces are difficult, Blended families 357 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 4: are difficult, but when a divorce is really contentious and 358 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,199 Speaker 4: there's not a lot of co parenting or good communication 359 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 4: going on between the parents, it does make things trickier 360 00:19:04,879 --> 00:19:08,280 Speaker 4: and more difficult for all and often especially for the kids. 361 00:19:08,919 --> 00:19:12,120 Speaker 4: So the first thing we want to suggest to you, 362 00:19:12,879 --> 00:19:16,119 Speaker 4: is that you and her dad need to have a 363 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 4: different way of responding to the girl when she's having 364 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,840 Speaker 4: these difficult moments because they come out angry, they come 365 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,800 Speaker 4: out hostile, but what's beneath both of those is pain. 366 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,759 Speaker 4: She's in pain. She has no idea why or what 367 00:19:31,919 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 4: to do with it, and so it's okay to say 368 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 4: to her. And this is the most important part to 369 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,159 Speaker 4: give her permission to be upset, to be angry, to 370 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,999 Speaker 4: feel whatever she's feeling, because when you say to her 371 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,119 Speaker 4: that's not nice apologize, or when her dad says that, 372 00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 4: it really doesn't give her the room to have the 373 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 4: feelings that she's having. So it just frustrates her more 374 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,639 Speaker 4: because it's in denial of what she's feeling. So it's 375 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,919 Speaker 4: more important that you and the dad respond by saying, 376 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,239 Speaker 4: I know you don't like my grilled cheese, and I 377 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,439 Speaker 4: know you might be missing mom now and missing Mom's 378 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 4: grilled cheese, and that's okay. You're allowed to me, you're 379 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,199 Speaker 4: allowed not to like mind grilled cheese, but you do 380 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,440 Speaker 4: need to say it more nicely, you know, the messages 381 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 4: like that let her know that you get that she's 382 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:23,080 Speaker 4: in distress. But have a limit attached to them about 383 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,880 Speaker 4: but it's not okay to express it this way, and 384 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,800 Speaker 4: maybe there are other ways you can express it and 385 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,879 Speaker 4: then offer those to her in the moment, and she 386 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 4: will use them or not, but over time they'll begin 387 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 4: to fold more into her repertoire. 388 00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 1: I think she understands that there's a lot of conflict 389 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:44,399 Speaker 1: between her parents right now, and that there probably aren't 390 00:20:44,399 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 1: a lot of positive things being said about her mom. 391 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,959 Speaker 1: And so it sounds like some of the comments that 392 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,280 Speaker 1: she makes to you set up a comparison between you 393 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,400 Speaker 1: and the mom, like you're fatter than my mom, her 394 00:20:55,439 --> 00:20:59,040 Speaker 1: grilled cheese is better. It's not just a comment about 395 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:01,720 Speaker 1: your body separate from her mom, or your grilled cheese 396 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:02,480 Speaker 1: separate from her mom. 397 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,679 Speaker 3: It's a comparison, and. 398 00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: I think that you need to keep out of that comparison. 399 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,919 Speaker 1: And so if she says, you know, you're fatter than 400 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 1: my mom, you can say, yeah, you know, she's spin 401 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,520 Speaker 1: her and we both like our bodies. You can talk 402 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,280 Speaker 1: to her more generally, maybe not in that moment, about 403 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:28,640 Speaker 1: what we do when we are sad or mad or anxious, 404 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 1: and really give her that vocabulary. It sounds like neither 405 00:21:32,679 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: of her parents has really had that conversation with her, 406 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,199 Speaker 1: And so if you can approach her with more compassion 407 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,679 Speaker 1: in those moments, and I know it's hard to do 408 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,919 Speaker 1: because she's saying things that are very provocative, but if 409 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 1: you can have a lot of compassion for the pain 410 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,959 Speaker 1: she's feeling that made her say what she said, I 411 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,800 Speaker 1: think that you will respond to her in a way 412 00:21:50,919 --> 00:21:53,679 Speaker 1: that allows her to have to have the feelings that 413 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,439 Speaker 1: she's having. But again, if her mom's not going to 414 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,320 Speaker 1: have that conversation with her, her dad certainly needs to. 415 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: Which is I know that it's hard going back and forth. 416 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 1: I know it's hard getting used to a new person. 417 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 1: And I know at times you're going to have feelings 418 00:22:08,159 --> 00:22:11,719 Speaker 1: about that. Your mom, me, your brother, we all have 419 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,320 Speaker 1: feelings about it, and we are here to talk about 420 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,039 Speaker 1: what you're feeling. 421 00:22:16,399 --> 00:22:18,959 Speaker 4: A lot of the times, with divorce, especially two years out, 422 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 4: the feeling on the parent's side is well, we're getting 423 00:22:22,919 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 4: over it. But divorce is a live issue for kids. 424 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 4: They go back and forth. It's real for them every day. 425 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,999 Speaker 4: It's live for them every day. It doesn't go with 426 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:37,520 Speaker 4: so I think her dad, especially has to have an 427 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:42,800 Speaker 4: ongoing dialogue with her that mentions the divorce, mentions the separation, 428 00:22:42,919 --> 00:22:45,399 Speaker 4: the difficulty of the back and forth, the missing her mom, 429 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 4: because that has to be legitimized. 430 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 5: That does actually make sense because they never talk about 431 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,320 Speaker 5: it at all, and the kids sometimes do mention I 432 00:22:53,399 --> 00:22:56,479 Speaker 5: hate having to switch houses all the time, and it's 433 00:22:56,679 --> 00:22:59,439 Speaker 5: not responded to, and I certainly don't say anything to that, 434 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,280 Speaker 5: So I think that would be very helpful. 435 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,640 Speaker 1: And when you say it's not responded to, you mean 436 00:23:03,879 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: their dad doesn't respond to it. That's correct, yeah, right, 437 00:23:07,159 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 1: So part of our advice is about how their dad 438 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 1: can talk to the kids about what's going on, because 439 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 1: it's always the unspoken thing that creates it comes out somehow, 440 00:23:18,639 --> 00:23:21,479 Speaker 1: So people cannot speak about something and think what's not 441 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:22,119 Speaker 1: going to come up. 442 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:22,959 Speaker 3: Well, it does come up. 443 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:27,000 Speaker 1: It comes out, especially with kids through behavior, so it's 444 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,840 Speaker 1: really important for him to talk about it. I was 445 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,759 Speaker 1: also struck by the fact that you said that your 446 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 1: boyfriend wants you around more. Part of it is obviously 447 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 1: he wants to be with you, but part of it 448 00:23:36,679 --> 00:23:38,840 Speaker 1: is that something he's having a little bit of trouble 449 00:23:39,879 --> 00:23:43,320 Speaker 1: managing being a single dad. So part of it is 450 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 1: having the dad talk to the girl and the boy 451 00:23:45,919 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 1: because he needs it as well, even if he's not 452 00:23:47,879 --> 00:23:50,199 Speaker 1: acting out. And part of it is the two of 453 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,999 Speaker 1: you having a conversation about what really is going on. 454 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,679 Speaker 1: And I don't know how much the two of you 455 00:23:58,679 --> 00:24:01,359 Speaker 1: are talking about the fact that you don't want to 456 00:24:01,399 --> 00:24:04,359 Speaker 1: move in partly because you're enjoying your life right now. 457 00:24:04,639 --> 00:24:08,680 Speaker 1: And one last piece of advice would be that there 458 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,200 Speaker 1: seems to be some much conflict between the parents and 459 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,879 Speaker 1: it would really help this girl manage her conflict between 460 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,959 Speaker 1: being loyal to the mom and also being able to 461 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,679 Speaker 1: adjust to this new situation that the mom really doesn't like. 462 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,039 Speaker 1: If you give her some wins, if you give her 463 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,840 Speaker 1: the mom some clear wins. So is there something that 464 00:24:29,879 --> 00:24:33,440 Speaker 1: you can say positively about the mom? 465 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,879 Speaker 3: I know you haven't met her, but grilled cheese. 466 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:40,159 Speaker 4: Let's just start with grilled cheese. Yeah, so much better 467 00:24:40,159 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 4: than mine. You're absolutely right, or. 468 00:24:41,919 --> 00:24:45,400 Speaker 1: Even yeah, your mom's really pretty right, anything like, oh, 469 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,679 Speaker 1: your mom must do that really well. I really like 470 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,560 Speaker 1: the outfit that you're wearing. That did your mom get 471 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,439 Speaker 1: that free? That's beautiful. It will help the girl with 472 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 1: that conflict so much if she knows that, Oh, it's 473 00:24:55,000 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: okay for Priscilla to say positive things about my mom, 474 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,559 Speaker 1: So I can now say positive things about my mom too. 475 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,879 Speaker 1: I don't have to have that conflict of who's better 476 00:25:05,439 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 1: and who likes whom better. They both have positive qualities. 477 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 5: I have never heard that before, so that's going to 478 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,400 Speaker 5: be I have never known how to address those statements 479 00:25:15,439 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 5: when she does say, then, my mom loves this kind 480 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:18,439 Speaker 5: of music, and I'm. 481 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,560 Speaker 1: Like, okay, well you can say that's great, your mom 482 00:25:21,679 --> 00:25:23,159 Speaker 1: has really good taste in music. 483 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,679 Speaker 4: These are easy wins, Pricilla right, because it doesn't cost 484 00:25:25,679 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 4: you anything to say mom has good taste in music 485 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:31,400 Speaker 4: and clothes, she makes good food, Like none of it matters. 486 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 4: But the girl will feel less in conflict, and some 487 00:25:36,399 --> 00:25:38,359 Speaker 4: of that will get back to the mom, and the 488 00:25:38,439 --> 00:25:42,039 Speaker 4: mom will feel less threatened, and so it'll ease things 489 00:25:42,679 --> 00:25:45,920 Speaker 4: all around. So you look for wins that you can 490 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,239 Speaker 4: give mom whenever they're presented, and you will see that 491 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:53,320 Speaker 4: it will ease the girl's tension in the moment, but 492 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 4: over time, especially, which I think is important. 493 00:25:57,159 --> 00:26:01,719 Speaker 5: Yeah, you guys are geniuses. That's that to me. I 494 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,600 Speaker 5: think will make her really happy. 495 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,399 Speaker 1: And it would help if her dad could do that too, 496 00:26:06,639 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 1: and you might want to talk to him about it. 497 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:13,320 Speaker 1: That she needs to know that it is okay between 498 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: her parents, not that they're going to be best friends, 499 00:26:16,159 --> 00:26:18,879 Speaker 1: but that they can respect each other. If you're asking 500 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,959 Speaker 1: her to be respectful to you and to her dad 501 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,200 Speaker 1: and to her brother, she needs to see the adults 502 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:29,560 Speaker 1: being respectful. And if she's not seeing adults, who can say. 503 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,719 Speaker 1: We're not married anymore, but your mom has these great qualities, 504 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:36,440 Speaker 1: and I really admire this about your mom. I understand 505 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,680 Speaker 1: why you love your mom so much, and there are 506 00:26:38,679 --> 00:26:41,280 Speaker 1: things that we like and respect about your mom too, 507 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,800 Speaker 1: even though your mom and I aren't married anymore. 508 00:26:45,919 --> 00:26:50,600 Speaker 4: Okay, do you have any questions for us, Priscilla, I. 509 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:51,119 Speaker 6: Don't think so. 510 00:26:51,639 --> 00:26:54,159 Speaker 5: This is a lot of really really great advice that 511 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 5: I'm looking forward to trying. And these are all pieces 512 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,359 Speaker 5: that I didn't know what to do in these situations has. 513 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,760 Speaker 6: Come up, and they seem very simple. Like you said 514 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 6: in very quick wins, what. 515 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:05,479 Speaker 1: We're going to do is we're going to have you 516 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,680 Speaker 1: try them, and then we're going to have you come 517 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,320 Speaker 1: back and tell us how it went. 518 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 6: That sounds great. Thank you so much. 519 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,920 Speaker 5: I'm really looking forward to putting these things into action. 520 00:27:20,399 --> 00:27:23,960 Speaker 4: So that was really interesting because when we have patients 521 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 4: come and we give them specific suggestions, you can tell 522 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,159 Speaker 4: who's hungry for them yet might not be able to 523 00:27:32,679 --> 00:27:34,400 Speaker 4: act on them, or be ready to act on them, 524 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:38,200 Speaker 4: and who's hungry for them and eager to act on them. 525 00:27:38,679 --> 00:27:42,239 Speaker 4: Priscilla strikes me as egot act. I would anticipate she 526 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 4: would go and give an earnest try of putting all 527 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 4: these things into action. 528 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:52,640 Speaker 1: I agree with that, and from what I'm guessing, her 529 00:27:52,679 --> 00:27:55,919 Speaker 1: boyfriend might have been less eager. I have a feeling 530 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,960 Speaker 1: that he's going to have a harder time implementing this 531 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:01,799 Speaker 1: than she is. And I'm not sure how ready he 532 00:28:01,879 --> 00:28:05,560 Speaker 1: will be to, for example, give the wife props, or 533 00:28:05,639 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 1: how ready he is to talk about this with his daughter, 534 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:12,240 Speaker 1: because it's really kind of remarkable that after two years 535 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,600 Speaker 1: he has not had a conversation with her about this divorce. 536 00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:17,719 Speaker 3: That's striking to me, right. 537 00:28:17,639 --> 00:28:19,560 Speaker 4: And I always tend to think that if somebody is 538 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,119 Speaker 4: not doing that, then they're afraid of doing it because 539 00:28:23,159 --> 00:28:25,439 Speaker 4: they don't think they have the tools with which to 540 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,440 Speaker 4: do it, or they don't think they can handle it well, 541 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,840 Speaker 4: or they don't literally know how or to what end 542 00:28:30,919 --> 00:28:32,560 Speaker 4: they would be doing it. But I think my hope 543 00:28:32,639 --> 00:28:35,840 Speaker 4: is that her coming and saying here are some tools, 544 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 4: here are some ideas we can both implement, and it's 545 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 4: both of us that need to do it. It's not 546 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 4: just you. You're not alone in this fight. That might ease 547 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,239 Speaker 4: him into it, or reassure him a little bit or 548 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 4: give him a little bit more confidence. 549 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,600 Speaker 1: A lot of times parents are reluctant to bring up 550 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,400 Speaker 1: something painful with their kids because they feel like if 551 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 1: I don't talk about it, they won't feel the pain, 552 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,799 Speaker 1: and if I bring it up, I'm going to have 553 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:04,400 Speaker 1: them experience pain that they aren't experiencing. It's like, let's 554 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:06,400 Speaker 1: not talk about this thing that's painful to you because 555 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:09,920 Speaker 1: I'm reminding you of your pain, which is completely wrong 556 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,640 Speaker 1: because the kid doesn't need reminding of her pain. 557 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:13,560 Speaker 3: She's in pain. 558 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:17,440 Speaker 1: It'll be interesting to see what he's actually able to do. 559 00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:24,440 Speaker 1: So I'm excited to have her back me too. This 560 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 1: is dear Therapist, and we'll be back after a short break. 561 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,080 Speaker 4: I'm Guy Wich. 562 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,680 Speaker 1: And I'm Laurie Gottlieb, and this is Dear Therapists. Well, 563 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,880 Speaker 1: let's listen to the voicemail. 564 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 7: Hey Laurie and Guy, thank you for the advice you 565 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:46,239 Speaker 7: gave me on how to have a better relationship with 566 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,280 Speaker 7: my boyfriend's six year old daughter. I have been able 567 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,680 Speaker 7: to put some of the things that you suggested into play. 568 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,600 Speaker 7: The biggest game changer for me and I think her 569 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:56,880 Speaker 7: was how to respond when she was yelling at me 570 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 7: or calling me harsh names, or more recently, telling me 571 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,000 Speaker 7: to get out of her house. Since she makes those 572 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 7: statements pretty suddenly, you said to say something like, it's 573 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,320 Speaker 7: okay if you don't want to play with me or 574 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,040 Speaker 7: you don't like me right now now, but it's not 575 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 7: okay how you're talking to me. I said that exactly, 576 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 7: and she stopped immediately. I'm not gonna lie. It was 577 00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:17,360 Speaker 7: really hard. 578 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 3: I was really. 579 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 7: Nervous saying it to her because if she didn't stop, 580 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 7: I had no game plan on what to say next. 581 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 7: But it has worked every time. Of course, she didn't 582 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,120 Speaker 7: behave that way just once. It's usually each time I 583 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,160 Speaker 7: see them there is an outburst like that. So that 584 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 7: sentence has been my go to and it's been easier 585 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,800 Speaker 7: to use each time. Just getting it to stop has 586 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 7: been really helpful. There's still lots of things that need 587 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,680 Speaker 7: help and guidance with her. She is going to be 588 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,959 Speaker 7: talking to a therapist to help her with her emotions 589 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,400 Speaker 7: and what seems to be a lot of anger. I mean, 590 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:51,799 Speaker 7: she's only six, and we really want to help her 591 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:55,160 Speaker 7: because I can't imagine she likes feeling like this. We 592 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,600 Speaker 7: still have no plans on living together, which is what's 593 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 7: best for me and his daughter and I still do 594 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:02,479 Speaker 7: have really great moments together that have been and I 595 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 7: think sometimes continue to be overshadowed by those really tough times. 596 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:10,240 Speaker 7: But thank you for helping me see that she is 597 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:13,320 Speaker 7: probably feeling a connection with me and struggling with that 598 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:16,400 Speaker 7: betrayal in her mind to her mom. So we're all 599 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 7: working on ourselves and hopefully that means a better family dynamic. 600 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:21,200 Speaker 7: So thank you again. 601 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:29,200 Speaker 3: I really feel good about how she took the advice. 602 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,440 Speaker 4: It definitely sounds like Priscilla has a new arrow in 603 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:35,800 Speaker 4: her quiver and she's robin hooding all over the place 604 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 4: with that arrow, as she should. And I think it's effective, 605 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 4: and I think that's what's helping her calm down, that 606 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:42,280 Speaker 4: she found something that works. 607 00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think her situation is so relatable, not 608 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:48,120 Speaker 1: only to people in blended families, but just as a parent. 609 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes your child will say something so provocative and you 610 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,920 Speaker 1: want to react in that moment, And what she's getting 611 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:59,400 Speaker 1: really good at is just taking a breath and realizing 612 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:03,400 Speaker 1: that what she's feeling doesn't necessarily match what's going on, 613 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:05,760 Speaker 1: and that there's much more to it and it's much 614 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:06,600 Speaker 1: more complicated. 615 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:08,560 Speaker 3: And so when she responds more calmly. 616 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:13,080 Speaker 4: Girl, And I'm really glad to hear that despite all 617 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,920 Speaker 4: these difficulties, she hasn't lost sight of the good moments 618 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:17,880 Speaker 4: since she's still able to enjoy them, as is the 619 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 4: girl and I'm sure the entire family. 620 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:20,160 Speaker 3: Yeah. 621 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,280 Speaker 1: Sometimes I think people feel like they have to change 622 00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: everything at once and they get overwhelmed by that. But 623 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 1: you can see here that when you change one small thing, 624 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,680 Speaker 1: it can have a huge ripple effect. 625 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,999 Speaker 4: That brings us to the end of our show for 626 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,200 Speaker 4: this week. Thank you so much for listening. 627 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 3: You can follow us both online. 628 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:45,959 Speaker 1: I'm at Lorigottlieb dot com and you can follow me 629 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:50,640 Speaker 1: on Twitter at Lorigottlieb one or on Instagram at Lorigottlieb 630 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,000 Speaker 1: Underscore Author. 631 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:56,320 Speaker 4: And I'm at Guywinch dot com and on Instagram at guywinch. 632 00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,240 Speaker 4: If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us, 633 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:04,920 Speaker 4: big or small, email us at Lorimguy at iHeartMedia dot com. 634 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:09,080 Speaker 1: Our executive producer is Christopher Hasiotis. We're produced and edited 635 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:13,120 Speaker 1: by Mike Johns. Special thanks to Samuel Benefield and to 636 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,880 Speaker 1: our podcast Fairy Godmother Katie Couric. 637 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,560 Speaker 4: Next week, a man who left his wife for the 638 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 4: love of his life wonders if that makes him a 639 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:21,959 Speaker 4: bad person. Prob me. 640 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:24,479 Speaker 3: I did leave my wife for another woman, but the 641 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,640 Speaker 3: rumors that were about were as nasty as can be 642 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:30,600 Speaker 3: and set the timeline very differently than what reality was. 643 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,520 Speaker 1: Dear Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio.