WEBVTT - Just B Dating: Stop Transactional Dating 0:00:12.360 --> 0:00:13.240 First of all, how are you. 0:00:13.640 --> 0:00:15.440 I'm good. It's good to see you. You too. 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:18.400 I think what keeps coming back that people don't talk 0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:21.279 enough about people dating. The topic of dating is a 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:23.480 lot of external. We went there, We did that. I 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:25.400 met him, he's like this, he said this, he bought 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:29.479 me that. It's very transactional and it's very like we 0:00:29.520 --> 0:00:31.680 can list all the things that happen, just like if 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:34.200 you're on the phone with your therapist. We went there, 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:36.960 I did this. Even if it's about work or anything, 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:39.360 you're always describing versus how do you feel? Like what's 0:00:39.400 --> 0:00:42.680 really going on? And what I'm saying is you're kind 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:46.000 of saying overall, like we don't need to talk about 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:49.519 dating at all unless you're coming into this as a 0:00:49.560 --> 0:00:52.800 person who's working on yourself. Like the number one thing 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:54.960 you're saying is and it would be against your entire 0:00:54.960 --> 0:00:57.240 business because you're trying to get paid to match people. 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:00.320 But you're saying, before you get to baseline, they're relationship 0:01:00.360 --> 0:01:02.200 with yourself is number one. You need to date yourself. 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:05.240 You need to know who you are and work on yourself. 0:01:05.200 --> 0:01:08.000 Absolutely and be rooted in reality about who you are 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:11.200 and what you're looking for. And that you're healed and 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:14.160 ready for that. I truly believe that in relationships you 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:19.000 are co CEOs, and I think that's also the mindset 0:01:19.000 --> 0:01:21.399 you have to have, is like, hey, how are we doing? 0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:24.400 It's like having those conversations about not just the things 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:26.520 the places you want to go, but like my giving 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:28.679 you what you need and being honest about some of 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:30.920 those things. And so you have those conversations, you can 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:33.399 make it fun like temperature, what can I do more of? 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:34.720 Differently better? 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:38.160 If you think about reviews and a corporate setting, you 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:42.160 have those annually or even checking in, checking in like hey, 0:01:42.200 --> 0:01:44.520 how are we doing? What else can I do for you? 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:46.720 What do you mean more for me? What could you 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:50.000 do more for me? And vice versa? And you know, 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:52.560 I always say, like every relationship needs to be watered 0:01:52.680 --> 0:01:55.920 or decays. So if you're just having busy busy and 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:59.480 going place to place and not like talking about your 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:02.720 the we of the business, the view too, and the couplehood, 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:06.080 it's going to decay because you're obviously perhaps sweeping in 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:08.760 jur on the rug. Because it becomes once you like 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:10.959 have sex and you get and you're still a fun phase, 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:12.920 it becomes harder to talk about the real things. But 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:15.480 if you talk about ongoing and it's just part of 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:18.400 the fabric of the relationship, it's kind of baked in 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:20.320 to realize, like we're gonna talk about things. 0:02:20.440 --> 0:02:24.959 My therapist said today, she was saying, like literally, it's 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:27.400 what she said today. She said, like people rush in 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:29.320 to know what it is and want to define it 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:31.160 because it means you get to skip a step in 0:02:31.200 --> 0:02:34.040 the class, like you don't have to do the uncertain 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:35.640 Are we going to be good for each other? Are 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:37.519 we going to commit to each other? Like we're both 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:40.320 insecure and scared. We're jumping to the next level. So 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:42.600 now we're both safe, we're both in a committed relationship, 0:02:42.919 --> 0:02:45.440 But you don't go through that phase of like is 0:02:45.480 --> 0:02:47.800 this really gonna work? Where are we both going? We 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:49.800 both in a car that's going in the same direction. 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:52.280 Like that's what that was too. It was like hi, 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:54.800 and then when everybody's feeding into it to your point, 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:57.680 like the whole ward's performative, Like everybody's feeding into it, 0:02:57.720 --> 0:02:59.680 but it's like, how are you two? That's interesting Like 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:02.040 with people we get excited on the fumes on the frosting. 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:04.200 Yeah, it's also like the label. 0:03:04.240 --> 0:03:06.800 It's like you feel you're going off the fact that 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.679 you're wee and you look the coupling of it and 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:13.240 how you're presenting to the society. But if you're lonely 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:16.360 inside and knowing that it's not what it is, like, 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:18.640 who cares about that? If you're not getting your needs 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:20.000 and that you're happy. 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:22.440 Oh, nothing's worse, Nothing is worse. And everyone thinking you're 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:24.480 happy and being miserable. That's not great. 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:27.880 And now you're just victimizing yourself, right, Like that's just 0:03:27.880 --> 0:03:30.560 like a jail sentence and that's not happy. And so 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:32.639 it's so much better to just be real with yourself 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:34.880 and stop, like can't lie to yourself, Like you have 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:37.240 to make that contract with yourself, like I'm not going 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:38.160 to bullshit myself. 0:03:38.960 --> 0:03:39.840 It's just not it. 0:03:39.840 --> 0:03:43.120 States or too quiet and we're too smart and why 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:44.119 it's for that and too of all? 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:47.200 Like yes, also, I think that I think that it's 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:49.920 a cautionary tale for people, even in small towns. I 0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:52.880 think to your point, the more that you're like sharing 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:57.160 and performing your relationship for other people and allowing them 0:03:57.280 --> 0:04:00.520 in meaning like are you like telling everybody at the 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:03.240 dinner about your amazing sex life, or he bought me this, 0:04:03.480 --> 0:04:07.000 or where the Queen couple everyone loves at the country club, 0:04:07.040 --> 0:04:09.520 and then like you end up like disappointing everybody, and 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:11.760 they're invested in your relationship and they're gonna gossip more 0:04:11.760 --> 0:04:14.480 about your relationship. It's like the po we are not 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:18.320 involved in Harrison Ford's relationship. We're not involved in Michelle 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:20.520 Fiber's relationship. We're not involved in George Clooney and a 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:25.160 Mall's relationship. We're not really you know, we're not really involved, Sizzle. 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:26.680 It's to your point. 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:29.640 I think that's totally smart to realize because it's private 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:31.880 and there's no there's no sensation there. 0:04:31.880 --> 0:04:33.839 But I bet they have a really healthy relationship. But 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:35.640 there's probably a lot to be envious of. 0:04:36.000 --> 0:04:38.320 Oh yeah, but they're not. I'm saying they didn't take 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:39.480 us on the way up and then want to get 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:40.400 us out on the way down. 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:41.040 Exactly. 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:42.800 Yeah, And I think that's where you're just gonna be 0:04:42.880 --> 0:04:46.040 careful that you're also not living someone else's. 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:47.680 Like vision of your relationship. 0:04:47.839 --> 0:04:50.240 Right, Like if your parents love the guy but you don't, 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:54.240 you feel conflicted because you want your parents to feel validated, 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:55.480 then you're making them happy. 0:04:55.520 --> 0:04:58.000 But if you're not happy, then it doesn't matter. 0:04:57.760 --> 0:05:00.840 Because eventually you're going to be disappointing your parents and yourself, 0:05:00.880 --> 0:05:02.000 so that's not worth it. 0:05:02.320 --> 0:05:04.159 Or the image of what it looks like. You get 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:07.080 to look like the lady who lunches, You get to be, 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:09.240 you know, the envy of your friends because you don't 0:05:09.279 --> 0:05:11.560 have to work or whatever. People or yeah, but I 0:05:11.600 --> 0:05:13.839 will tell you that I said this before on this podcast. 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:17.440 This is shocking and it's coming to fruition even more. 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:22.960 I'm meeting an extraordinary number of men who have custody 0:05:23.000 --> 0:05:26.760 of their children as a result of getting into relationships 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:29.160 with young, beautiful women. The women are excited. They don't 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:32.120 really have to work. The men are providers, and the 0:05:32.200 --> 0:05:35.479 women have the life that they think that everybody wants, 0:05:35.520 --> 0:05:37.520 or that they think that they want. And then their 0:05:37.600 --> 0:05:39.760 kids get older and it becomes empty nests and they're 0:05:39.800 --> 0:05:43.840 drinking and popping pills and they're partying and they're bored. 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:47.240 And the man has worked on his career and really 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:52.479 dug in and still at fifty sixty seventy, still has purpose, 0:05:52.560 --> 0:05:55.280 like meeting somebody needs them to be somewhere, somebody. Something's 0:05:55.320 --> 0:05:58.040 going on, some deals going on, some actions happening, and 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:00.000 the woman is kind of waiting for him to come home, 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:02.800 take her somewhere, buy her something, go on vacation, and 0:06:02.880 --> 0:06:05.240 the friends don't feed that enough, and the kids off 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:07.520 away with their own lives don't feed it enough, And 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:09.640 neither will pilates for an hour, I neither will lunch, 0:06:09.680 --> 0:06:12.520 and neither will shopping for outfits for pilates. Like it's 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:15.599 hard to fill a day with lack of purpose, right. 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:17.560 Well, that's why I always say is stay interested and 0:06:17.640 --> 0:06:21.159 interesting because that will That's like the key. The ingredients 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:23.800 are making you happy and feel fulfilled because you do 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:25.880 need to have purpose. And that's why I feel blessed 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:28.600 that I work, because I would be so bored if 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:30.920 I wasn't. And I do think you as you stay 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:33.479 in a relationship, it's it's less pressure in the relationship that 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:35.480 everything has to be from someone else, like it has 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:37.600 to come from within, that. 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:39.159 You're your own person. 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:41.520 The rescuing yourself you're not waiting for someone else to 0:06:41.839 --> 0:06:43.960 fill you, I think is important. 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:46.840 I think it was Anne Hathaway. It was Anne Hathaway, 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:50.160 and I think Michelle Feiffer reinforced a similar concept was like, 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:52.600 but I think Anne Hathory really said it. I think 0:06:52.640 --> 0:06:54.680 she was saying I believe it was her. It doesn't matter, 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:59.960 it's about the concept. But she said, we individually are complete. 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:03.520 We individually have our own full lives and are complete, 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:07.960 and we choose to be together. Like It's like, it's like, yeah, 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:10.000 I don't even know that some is maybe maybe the 0:07:10.040 --> 0:07:12.040 sum is greater than its parts, but maybe not. They're 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:15.160 each individual whole parts. But that just like love to 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:17.720 be together and share their whole part with the other. 0:07:17.920 --> 0:07:19.240 Yeah, and you both have things. 0:07:19.000 --> 0:07:21.800 To contribute right into exchange and like teach each other. 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:24.640 It's not just teacher. It's like you're both coming whole, 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:26.600 holistic to the relationship. 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:29.640 Whether it's friendship or anything. It could apply. 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:31.520 And I'm finding that a lot of the men that 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:34.200 have been with those women in those situations are saying 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:38.200 they want a woman who has their own thing going on. 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:40.120 I mean, this is not new, but yes it is 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:41.040 one hundred lines, but. 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:43.880 This is not but women, but young girls want to 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:46.000 get the ring, get the dress, get the thing, like 0:07:46.080 --> 0:07:47.040 get the jealousies. 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:48.400 They think that's going to make it happy. 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.400 They have no idea that Unfortunately, it's going to start 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:54.840 a very sad life of being unfulfilled about continuing to 0:07:55.640 --> 0:08:00.720 make their life worthy and they have meaning in other ways. 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:01.679 One hundred percent. 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:04.240 Yeah, My guy Breck said to me, you have to 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:06.880 be with someone who is something or is going to 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:08.120 be something like. 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:10.800 Because of how you are, because that's who you are. 0:08:11.000 --> 0:08:13.560 You need that and everyone should have their own thing 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:16.200 going on. It'll make them happy as a person and 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.800 more interesting and exciting at the end of the day 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:22.840 and fulfilled because, like you said, once you get the ring, 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:27.600 have the wedding, have the lifestyle. Eventually you have to 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:29.640 have more than that, Like you have to have purpose 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:44.040 and feel like you're giving back in some way. 0:08:45.600 --> 0:08:48.640 So there's another thing I would done XS. So let's 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:50.520 say someone was in a twenty year marriage, a fifteen 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:53.320 year marriage, and then they come into another relationship. Now 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:56.400 you're always going to be curious about not on the 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:58.520 first date. I know that I'm saying, but you're gonna 0:08:58.520 --> 0:09:01.640 be curious about what they're coming in from. Did she 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:04.480 cheat on him? Did he cheat on her? Do you why? 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:07.640 Did they have religious differences? Did was he a workaholic? 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:10.480 Did he feel unloved? Something that can inform you. So 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:12.320 there's like a blanket rule where people are like, don't 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:14.640 talk about exes, and I actually disagree with that. I 0:09:14.640 --> 0:09:17.640 think not like, oh I miss how James bought me 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:20.800 flower like not that, But I think that of past 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:24.480 relationship informs positive and negative things about a current. I 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:26.520 think it informs, wow, this is really nice. I'm not 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:28.800 used to this. I'm used to that, like, yeah, and 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:31.520 this is feeling really good like that if you're validating something, 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:33.000 So what do you think about that? 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:35.960 I think as long as like that's an advanced move, 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:37.679 not on the first like a couple of dates, I 0:09:37.679 --> 0:09:39.440 think it's more important to get to know each other 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:41.200 and stay in the present and not go into the 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:46.480 past because unfortunately, not everyone could land talking about it 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:49.920 unemotionally or without anger. But if you could tell, if 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:52.439 you could talk about it, where you've learned about yourself, 0:09:52.559 --> 0:09:57.320 you learned unemotionally about Like it's almost like saying we 0:09:57.320 --> 0:09:59.800 weren't a good match and this is why, without the 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:02.280 of anger, because no, like. 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:04.400 Why the job was great. I was ready to he 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:05.400 was ready to move on. 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:05.840 We hadn't. 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:06.679 It was a nuty eggs. 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:10.000 I learned a lot, Yeah, he is amazing, but he's 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:12.320 more this way and I need more of that. And 0:10:12.360 --> 0:10:13.959 we learned about that. I have nothing but great things 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:16.280 to say about him. But we were the right, We 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:18.520 were properly matched. We were a good match for each other. 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:20.880 Well that's an okay, So another nugget, Barbie. 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:23.319 So positive positive because. 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:25.480 I feel that all of these things that are like 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:28.400 rules in life, you get into onto the playing field 0:10:28.760 --> 0:10:31.400 and then you find something's happening that's daring in the moment, 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:32.959 and you're going to bring up something that happened in 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:34.520 the past. And if you're in your own head about 0:10:34.520 --> 0:10:35.840 the fact that you're not supposed to be talking about 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:38.520 an X, then it's like even worse. And my point 0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:40.560 that the point that you're bringing up is a that 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:43.199 it's how you're doing do it, But you're really saying 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:44.960 that the reason that you don't want to bring up 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:47.240 an X is that you don't want to appear that 0:10:47.280 --> 0:10:50.680 you're still in love with or interested or obsessed with 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:53.840 the X, or that you're angry about it. Like I 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:55.720 did have a guy talk to me about his divorce 0:10:56.120 --> 0:10:58.440 and how she took him for everything, and like talking 0:10:58.480 --> 0:11:01.000 bad and then you're realizing that this is a person 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:04.040 who's talking bad about his ex. So that's a character flaw. 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:08.199 But you're not talking about just that someone should blanket statement, 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:11.559 never refer to a previous life. You're talking about why, right. 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:13.600 I think the biggest thing is, like you know, your audience, like, 0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:14.840 do not talk to this person. 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:16.600 If you're in therapy, you're not. 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:18.720 This is not a therapist, and they're not They don't 0:11:18.760 --> 0:11:21.160 have the contact to understand that maybe this person really 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:24.240 was not a human right, it could have been a 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:26.520 bad actor or bad actress. So I think the biggest 0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:30.520 thing is if you're able to talk about it unemotionally, 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:35.920 not playing victim, not being seeming wounded where we're some 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:38.920 whole way whoa she either has holding a lot of anger, 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:43.640 she seems unwounded or unhealed, then that will backfire. But 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:47.400 if you say it from a you know, informational like, yeah, 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:49.440 we had a great you know, I have nothing but 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.640 great things to say about we just weren't compatible. Unfortunately 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:56.640 she was, you know, in just counting it that way 0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:58.800 and having it more of like an elevator pitch, not 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:00.560 where you're going on on an eye. 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:02.920 No, I agree with you. It's it could be anecdotal. 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:05.640 You have to like know, have it like sharp and 0:12:05.720 --> 0:12:07.679 quick and not like going on because then they'll be like, 0:12:07.679 --> 0:12:07.880 oh my. 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:09.720 Gosh, this person is shut up. I don't want to 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:10.320 hear about your ex. 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:12.680 Yeah, it's too much, And like you want to create 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:14.439 your own memories and your own experiences. 0:12:14.480 --> 0:12:16.040 And I give this advice out a lot for. 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:18.880 Someone that's widowed, where they might have had this amazing 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:21.880 relationship and they're talking about the past because they had 0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:22.680 decades together. 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:25.880 But at some point you want to start. 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:28.480 The more time you're with someone, the experiences will be 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:30.280 shared and you'll have more things to talk about for 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:33.320 your present, your future. But you can't just be dwelling 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:35.839 them the past because someone will think that you your 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.040 heart is still filled by the past person. 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:39.839 Yes, like you have to make sure that. 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:42.920 It's positive and they feel that you are evolved and 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:45.760 ready for something new and not a negative. Especially they 0:12:45.760 --> 0:12:48.240 will be thinking, if you're talking angry about men, I'm 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:50.200 going to be the next person you're talking angry about her. 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.600 I don't want you to treat me that way. So 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:54.360 you have to be careful what you're sharing. But if 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:56.600 you could say so much, how I learned that's. 0:12:56.600 --> 0:12:59.040 Yeah, or about why something is just different, like oh, 0:12:59.080 --> 0:13:01.000 at that job, we never got to go outside, and 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:02.760 at this new job that I have, this is interesting 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:05.319 that we're going outside. That's something that's a positive. That's 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:07.400 not saying a trashing. It's just a different dynamic. That 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:09.400 might be something you are better suited to. 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:11.599 Yeah, but you just don't want to compare because that 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:14.800 might all make someone feel insincure about them too, Like 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:17.360 you don't want to say good things about your ex 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:19.280 versus them, like oh my ex took me. 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:21.600 No, not that, But if you do the opposite, if 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:22.680 you say that that was no. 0:13:22.760 --> 0:13:25.079 But as long as it's compliment, like this is so nice, 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:27.440 like I so appreciate you being a verbal or I 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:29.880 so appreciate you being the man with the plan and 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:30.880 maybe your reservations. 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:32.960 I'm not used to being treated this way. I'm not 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:35.040 used to thoughtful. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:36.400 you can say that stuff. 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:40.640 Compha is a positive. Yes, a compliments compliment, Yeah. 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:42.000 That's the thing that's when it comes up. Wow, this 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:44.360 is really nice because I'm at you. That's great, that's 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:47.040 very helpful. And also every single person makes the ex 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:48.760 the villain, and there's always somebody on the other side 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:50.280 of it, no matter what it is, and you're never 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:51.760 going to know the truth. It's like a divorce. There's 0:13:51.760 --> 0:13:54.360 a thousand divorces. So it's just not worth it for 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:55.960 anybody to do it. It's not worth it for you 0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:59.240 to talk about how insane your ex was, because most 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:01.240 people are going to believe because everybody's at a table 0:14:01.240 --> 0:14:02.520 talking about how and saying their X was. 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:05.160 Absolutely And I think that you will be a breathly 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:07.959 fresh air if you don't villainize your ex. 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:10.720 Especially someone like me because I've had a very serious divorce. 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:13.679 But and I still I'm just like, it took a minute, 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:15.600 it was a long it was a you know, it 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:18.000 was not it was challenging. But have my beautiful dog. 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:19.160 You know, we've said this, there was a. 0:14:19.160 --> 0:14:22.040 Time and a place to tell people and unpack the 0:14:22.480 --> 0:14:24.720 things that you lived through and that you had to 0:14:24.760 --> 0:14:28.000 go through. I think that absolutely, I'm not saying er, 0:14:28.480 --> 0:14:31.040 but I think until someone understands the context of like you, 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:34.880 I think that you shouldn't share it until it doesn't 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:36.320 have to be a certain amount of dates or anything 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:36.680 like that. 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:38.640 But I mean, I would say at least the two 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:40.400 or three dates. 0:14:39.760 --> 0:14:44.920 Ear build on your relationship together, versus focusing so much 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:49.520 on anything negative, oversharing and negative in general, negative anything 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:52.760 about your family, your friends, your career, anything that you're 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:54.960 not happy with. This is not a therapy session. This 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:57.600 is not the place it's just gonna lead to. It's 0:14:57.640 --> 0:14:58.640 not gonna lead to a second date. 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:14.560 And how do you navigate and advise navigating quote unquote 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:18.000 dating like meaning when someone says I'm dating someone, so 0:15:18.280 --> 0:15:21.880 because there's meeting people, I went on a date, I 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:23.360 liked him, I went out the next time. I don't 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:25.640 think it's it. You know, that's like, that's that's not 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:29.560 really that's you're dating overall as like a sport and 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:32.240 you're meeting different people, but nothing is really landed. But 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:36.680 then you're like regularly dating one person, and like there's 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.760 always like a sniffing out of like when do you 0:15:39.880 --> 0:15:41.760 have to like when do you feel like you're lacking 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:46.040 integrity in that practice because there's sex involved, there's intimacy 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:48.920 involve there's a time when and that's also not a 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:51.360 silent contract meeting. You could sleep with seven people at 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:53.400 the same time on seven different nights, it's your own 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:55.960 body and your own choice. You don't have to disclose 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:57.960 that unless someone asks, and then you're gonna be honest. 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:01.360 You're allowed to do what you want. So what is 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:05.320 people are on the Bachelor and they're sleeping with multiple people, 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:08.200 and it's like, but then how would they know who 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:09.760 they liked more if they don't sleep with the multiple 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:11.680 people because they're in a concentrated program. And I know 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:14.280 that's not life, but I'm just saying it makes sense 0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:17.520 that someone would want to be doing more intimate things, 0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:20.520 not even including sex, but like sometimes they're like they're 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:23.360 meeting people's parents, they're doing more like these things are 0:16:23.400 --> 0:16:25.840 very personal. So how do you navigate the between just 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:28.400 meeting people and going out to dinner and then that 0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:30.720 no man's land between that and relationship? 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:33.840 I mean, I do think part of the secret sauce 0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:37.600 is staying in your own power, in your own confidence 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:40.720 that like you know you're worth, and leading with your 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:43.360 charm and your charisma of why they even like you 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:46.280 and not even having to in your head or rebally 0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:48.320 even have to put a label on it, and just 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:49.440 continue to have fun. 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:51.520 That's how you're gonna catch someone. 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:53.480 But what if they don't want that from you. There's 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:54.720 two people in it, right. 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:57.880 But then eventually, if you have paid attention, are you 0:16:58.080 --> 0:16:59.520 just booty call girl? 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:00.320 Are you you not? 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:02.840 Have you not advanced where you're meeting each other's friends 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.080 and families, like you have to pay attention collectively to 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:08.320 all the cues to see how you're fitting into someone's wife. 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:10.840 Oh so it doesn't have to be said. It's it's 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:14.479 more actions and words. It's actions, and I think it's actions. 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:15.960 I don't think you need to have the conversation. 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:19.280 I mean, for some they do say like, hey, just 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:21.960 so you know, what are we I'm choosing to have 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:23.920 sex with you, But I just say, you know, I'm 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:26.920 not comfortable having sex with anybody else. I'm not suggesting 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:29.240 we to talk about what this is, but to me, 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:32.200 I'm wanting to get to know you, and I'm always 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:35.359 choosing this. So like you could, you could have conversations 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.320 about it, whether it's before or after, that could help 0:17:38.440 --> 0:17:38.919 frame it. 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:41.440