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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we

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Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information

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Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to

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Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to

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Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental

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Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me

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Speaker 1: for Session thirty of the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Every year in October we observe National Domestic Violence Awareness Month,

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Speaker 1: so I definitely wanted to spend some time this month

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Speaker 1: talking with you about domestic violence and specifically some of

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Speaker 1: the red flags that you want to maybe consider when

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Speaker 1: you're beginning a new relationship. So the information I'm going

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Speaker 1: to share with you now comes from a website called

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Speaker 1: Carrying Unlimited dot org. And of course you will be

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Speaker 1: able to find all this information and the show notes

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Speaker 1: that will be at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

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Speaker 1: backslash Session thirty. So The handout says, the following is

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Speaker 1: a list of red flags for you to notice and

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Speaker 1: pay attention to when dating someone or beginning a new relationship.

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Speaker 1: Some of them are indicators that the relationship may become abusive,

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Speaker 1: and others are positive indicators that you are becoming involved

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Speaker 1: with an abuser. So one um kind of quick note

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Speaker 1: before we get into too deeply into this conversation. Um SO,

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Speaker 1: if you are, if you already know that you are

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Speaker 1: involved in the situation that has become violent or you

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Speaker 1: are thinking it has the potential to become violent, it

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Speaker 1: you do want to be very careful about where you

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Speaker 1: are listening to this information and having um information like

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Speaker 1: on your computer related to this um SO, A lot

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Speaker 1: of the websites that I'll be sharing with you today

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Speaker 1: have what is called a quick exit um SO. It

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Speaker 1: will be something that will allow you to kind of

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Speaker 1: close down that page on your computer screen very quickly

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Speaker 1: in case the abusive person comes into the room and

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Speaker 1: you don't want them to see you looking at this.

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Speaker 1: So please do be mindful if you are in a

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Speaker 1: violent situation, be very careful about where you're where you're

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Speaker 1: listening to and looking at this information. So the first

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Speaker 1: category of behaviors that um we want to pay attention

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Speaker 1: to that could be considered some red flags are around

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Speaker 1: quick involvement. So is it six months or less before

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Speaker 1: this person wants to move in with you or become

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Speaker 1: engaged to you? Does this person make claims of love

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Speaker 1: at first? Do they say that you're the only one

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Speaker 1: who can make them feel this way? Do they pressure

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Speaker 1: you for commitment? The next category of behavior is related

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Speaker 1: to unrealistic expectations. Do they compliment you in a way

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Speaker 1: that makes you seem superhuman? Are they very dependent on

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Speaker 1: you for all of their needs? Do they expect you

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Speaker 1: to be perfect? Do they say things like I am

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Speaker 1: all you need? You are all I need. The next

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Speaker 1: set of behavior is related to controlling behavior. Does the

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Speaker 1: person advise you about how to dress without asking your advice?

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Speaker 1: Do they pretend to be concerned for your safety or

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Speaker 1: your productive use of time? Do they act like you

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Speaker 1: don't have the ability to make good decisions? Do they

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Speaker 1: become extremely worried or angry when you're late? Do they

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Speaker 1: constantly question who you spend time with, what you did,

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Speaker 1: war or said, and where you went. Do they insist

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Speaker 1: that you check in constantly? Do they monitor your phone

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Speaker 1: or email. Do they make you ask permission to do

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Speaker 1: certain things? The next set of behavior is related to jealousy.

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Speaker 1: Do they want to be with you constantly? Do they

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Speaker 1: accuse you of cheating all the time? Do they follow

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Speaker 1: you around or frequently called throughout the day? Do they

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Speaker 1: have odd behaviors like checking your car mileage? Are asking

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Speaker 1: friends to check in on you? The next set of

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Speaker 1: real flag behaviors are related to isolation. Do they try

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Speaker 1: to cut off all your resources? Do they put everyone

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Speaker 1: down that you know and say things like your friends

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Speaker 1: are stupid, promiscuous, or accused you of cheating with them.

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Speaker 1: Do they say things like your family is too controlling,

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Speaker 1: your family doesn't really love you, or that you're too

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Speaker 1: dependent on them? And do they make it difficult for

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Speaker 1: you to go to school or work? The next set

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Speaker 1: of red flag behavior is related to blaming others for

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Speaker 1: your problems. So, if there are problems at school or work,

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Speaker 1: is it always someone else's fault? Do they say things

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Speaker 1: like you're at fault for everything that goes wrong in

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Speaker 1: the relationship? Do they blame others for their feelings so?

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Speaker 1: Do they make you feel responsible for how they feel

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Speaker 1: saying things like you made me mad, You're hurting me

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Speaker 1: by not doing what I ask. I can't help being angry.

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Speaker 1: You make me happy, You control how I feel. The

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Speaker 1: next set of red flag behaviors is related to hypersensitivity.

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Speaker 1: So is this person easily insulted? Do they see everything

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Speaker 1: as a personal attack? Do they have tantrums about the

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Speaker 1: injustice of things that have happened to them? Do they

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Speaker 1: go off about small irritations? Do they look for fights?

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Speaker 1: Do they tend to blow things out of proportion? The

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Speaker 1: next set of red flag behaviors are related to being

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Speaker 1: disrespectful or cruel to others. Do they punish animals or

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Speaker 1: children cruelly? Are they insensitive to pain and suffering? Do

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Speaker 1: they have high expectations of children beyond their abilities? Do

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Speaker 1: they teach children or younger siblings until they cry? Do

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Speaker 1: they have a tendency to not treat other people with respect?

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Speaker 1: The next set of red flag behaviors is related to

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Speaker 1: control during sex. So do you tend to have little

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Speaker 1: control over whether you want sex or not? Does the

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Speaker 1: person use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance?

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Speaker 1: Do they make sexual or degrading jokes about you? Do

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Speaker 1: they believe that women are inferior to men. Do they

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Speaker 1: feel like they are unable to be a whole person

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Speaker 1: and without a relationship. The next set of red flag

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Speaker 1: behaviors is related to being Dr Jeko and Mr Hyde.

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Speaker 1: So do you notice things like sudden mood changes, like

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Speaker 1: the person has two different personalities? Is the person one

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Speaker 1: minute nice to you and texting you positive things and

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Speaker 1: then the next minute they're exploding? Are one minute they're

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Speaker 1: really happy and the next minute they're really sad. The

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Speaker 1: next um red flag behavior that you would want to

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Speaker 1: be concerned about is past battering. So you may hear

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Speaker 1: the person was abusive to someone else they were in

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Speaker 1: a relationship with, and they may deny it seeing it's

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Speaker 1: a lie, or that their X was crazy or it

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Speaker 1: wasn't that bad. The next set of red flag behaviors

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Speaker 1: you'd want to be concerned about are breaking and striking objects.

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Speaker 1: Do they say that they break things as punishment? Do

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Speaker 1: they break your cherished possessions? Do they beat on the

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Speaker 1: table with their fists or throw objects at around or

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Speaker 1: near you? And finally, the next set of red flag

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Speaker 1: behaviors you want to be concerned about is any force

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Speaker 1: during an argument, So do they physically restrain you from

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Speaker 1: leaving a room? Do they push or shove you? So again,

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Speaker 1: all of these things you would want to look at

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Speaker 1: and cumulatively, if you have many yeses to the things

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Speaker 1: that I have read off, then you could be in

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Speaker 1: a situation where you're dealing with someone who is abusive.

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Speaker 1: So I think that when we tend to talk about

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Speaker 1: domestic abuse types of situations, the stereotype of the idea

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Speaker 1: that tends to come to mind is somebody being physically abusive,

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Speaker 1: so somebody who has hit their partner. But research and

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Speaker 1: researchers who do this work have actually identified at least

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Speaker 1: six different types of abuse that tend to occur in

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Speaker 1: domestic abuse types of situations. So there is economic abuse,

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Speaker 1: so things like preventing the person from going to work,

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Speaker 1: or sending harassing emails to the person at work, or

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Speaker 1: sending NW pictures to coworkers to embarrass you. Those kinds

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Speaker 1: of things that interfere with um your ability to actually

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Speaker 1: make a living for yourself. There's economic abuse. Sexual abuse,

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Speaker 1: so of course forcing someone to engage in sexual activity

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Speaker 1: against their will. Physical abuse, like we talked about, is

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Speaker 1: the most easily identified, so somebody hitting you or punching you.

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Speaker 1: Verbal abuse, so saying things like you're stupid and always

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Speaker 1: putting you down those kinds of things. Emotional abuse, so

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Speaker 1: engaging in manipulative types of behaviors to kind of to

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Speaker 1: control you are guilting you into situations that you may

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Speaker 1: not feel comfortable with. And there's also technological abuse, and

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Speaker 1: I do want to spend some more time today talking

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Speaker 1: about that one because I do think with the advent

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Speaker 1: of social media and the increases in technology that we

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Speaker 1: continue to see, it has made it much easier for

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Speaker 1: abusive partners to engage in some of this behavior. And

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Speaker 1: I often have UM clients who will not really be

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Speaker 1: paying attention to the ways that partners are attempting to

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Speaker 1: control their behaviors through technology. So things like your partner

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Speaker 1: requiring you to UM give them the passwords to all

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Speaker 1: of your email accounts or your social media accounts. Are

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Speaker 1: things like going through your voicemail or your text messages.

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Speaker 1: I think that some of those things we tend to

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Speaker 1: UM interpret as or the person just really cares, but

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Speaker 1: it actually is an attempt to control because in a

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Speaker 1: healthy relationship, you don't need to have all of that

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Speaker 1: access to your partners personal UM accounts like that. So

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Speaker 1: we shouldn't kind of laugh that kind of stuff off

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Speaker 1: because it definitely can be a sign of something bigger.

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Speaker 1: So a few examples of UM what people are describing

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Speaker 1: as technological abuse or monitoring your email communications. So, like

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Speaker 1: I mentioned, requiring you to give them the passwords UM,

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Speaker 1: sending you repeated emails or messages so you know you've

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Speaker 1: maybe asked them to not email you, and they continue

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Speaker 1: to email you until they get a response. Using your

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Speaker 1: online identity to post false information, are to send joy

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Speaker 1: demographic information and or pictures to sexually orient it or

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Speaker 1: porn sites. Using using social network sites like Facebook and

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Speaker 1: Twitter to get information about you and to monitor who

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Speaker 1: sends you messages and who your friends are. So again,

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Speaker 1: I think we often see UM jokes online about a

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Speaker 1: partner looking through the pictures that you've liked online and

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Speaker 1: making comments like oh, I saw you like so and

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Speaker 1: So's picture, You better stay away from them, and that

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Speaker 1: kind of thing. Sometimes we interpret as a joke, but

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Speaker 1: again it could be indicative of a much bigger issue. Also,

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Speaker 1: using GPS, using GPS devices to monitor your location. So

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Speaker 1: I think most of us are familiar with the different

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Speaker 1: apps and things that are on our phones that allow

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Speaker 1: us to like locate our phone if we lose it.

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Speaker 1: Are the things that allow us to use the different

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Speaker 1: UM map applications that we need to kind of travel

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Speaker 1: around our cities. But sometimes abusive partners will also use

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Speaker 1: this type of information and require you to like turn

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Speaker 1: this feature on in your phone so that they can

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Speaker 1: keep track of where you're going. So I do think

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Speaker 1: that we want to continue to pay attention to the

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Speaker 1: way that technology is being used by abusive partners to

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Speaker 1: continue that power and control. So we definitely could talk

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Speaker 1: much more about this topic UM, but I do want

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Speaker 1: to call your attention to my sister in psychology and podcasting,

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Speaker 1: UM Dr Natalie Jones has a podcast called A Date

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Speaker 1: with Darkness, and Dr Jones is an expert in narcissistic

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Speaker 1: behavior and UM abusive relationships, and so her podcast I

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Speaker 1: think you really would want to check it out for

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Speaker 1: more information about some of these topics UM. She has

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Speaker 1: many excellent episodes, but two that I think could be

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Speaker 1: really important to check out related to today's discussion, or

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Speaker 1: one about UM psychological abuse. So she talks much more

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Speaker 1: in depth about UM the way that abusers try to

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Speaker 1: manipulate our minds to engage in this abusive power. And

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Speaker 1: she also has one that has great detail and tips

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Speaker 1: for leaving an abusive relationship. So if that is something

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Speaker 1: that you are struggling with or a situation you find

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Speaker 1: yourself in, then I really would encourage you to check

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Speaker 1: out that podcast because she offers some excellent strategies there

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Speaker 1: to help you to navigate that situation. So again, the

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Speaker 1: name of the podcast is A Date with Darkness, and

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Speaker 1: I will definitely include that in the show notes. We

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Speaker 1: also had an on the porch question this week related

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Speaker 1: to this topic. So the listener says, what do you

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Speaker 1: do about possessive ex boyfriends who cause you to feel

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Speaker 1: guilty for ending the relationship or not getting back into

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Speaker 1: the relationship with them? And so we've talked about a

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Speaker 1: lot of this information already, um, but it really is

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Speaker 1: important to note that a manipulation and guilt are one

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Speaker 1: of the main um devices that abusers will use in

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Speaker 1: a situation to try to control the situation. So they will,

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Speaker 1: you know, try to make you feel bad about yourself

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Speaker 1: or guilt you into staying in the relationship, probably much

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Speaker 1: longer than you've wanted to because they know exactly what

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Speaker 1: buttons to push. Um. So it's really important to note

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Speaker 1: that people who are typically abusers tend to be abusive

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Speaker 1: in most of their relationships, so they have kind of

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Speaker 1: mastered this skill of kind of being able to kind

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Speaker 1: of spot the areas where you maybe feel insecure or

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Speaker 1: be able to use some information like from your childhood

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Speaker 1: related to relationships, so that they know exactly what areas

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Speaker 1: they can kind of manipulate and guilt you around. And

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Speaker 1: so I think one of the first things related to

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Speaker 1: this that we need to pay attention to is to

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Speaker 1: be compassionate and gentle with ourselves. Um. You know, I

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Speaker 1: think that there is often a lot of times a

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Speaker 1: tendency to kind of want to pick upart our own

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Speaker 1: behavior and figure out what did we do to end

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Speaker 1: up in a situation like this, or why is this

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Speaker 1: person treating me this way? And I do think you

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Speaker 1: want to just be very gentle with yourself and know

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Speaker 1: that there's not anything that you did that caused this

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Speaker 1: person to be abusive to you. I also think it

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Speaker 1: could be helpful to make sure that you're surrounding yourself

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Speaker 1: with friends and family who believe you and support you

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Speaker 1: so that when this person is trying to engage in

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Speaker 1: this in these manipulative and guilt tactics, that person can

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Speaker 1: offer you a reality check and M mind you, Hey,

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Speaker 1: you know that person is just trying to get in

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Speaker 1: your head again, don't fall for it. I'm here to

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Speaker 1: support you. You know you want to be able to

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Speaker 1: have supportive others in your lives because again, remember we

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Speaker 1: talked about UM. Abusers will trying to isolate you. So

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Speaker 1: if you have supportive family and friends in your corner,

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Speaker 1: then it's harder for them to kind of lure you

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Speaker 1: into that abusive space and they can offer a reality

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Speaker 1: check for you. And I would also, again, like I

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Speaker 1: just mentioned, UM, suggest that you check out the Date

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Speaker 1: with Darkness podcast because I think it it offers lots

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Speaker 1: of insights around what kinds of things you can do

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Speaker 1: so that you don't UM end up manipulated in these situations. Again,

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Speaker 1: so please check that out. So, I would love to

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Speaker 1: hear your thoughts on today's episode, UM if there are

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Speaker 1: other things that you feel like you would like to

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Speaker 1: add to the conversation, other red flags that you've seen

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Speaker 1: in relationships that you think other people should be aware of.

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Speaker 1: Please make sure it's to share that with us. Make

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Speaker 1: sure to use the hashtag TBG in session. You can

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Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at Therapy for the Number four

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Speaker 1: be Girls, and you can find us on Instagram and

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Speaker 1: Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. If you are looking

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Speaker 1: for a therapist related to these issues or other issues,

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Speaker 1: I would strongly encourage you to use the Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls directory to find a therapist in your area.

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Speaker 1: You can find that by going to Therapy for Black

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Speaker 1: Girls dot com backslash directory. And if you are a

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Speaker 1: therapist and would like to make your information available for

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Speaker 1: people to easily find you and work with you in

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Speaker 1: your practice, please head over to Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com backslash being listed. And I definitely want to

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Speaker 1: continue this conversation with you over in the Facebook group,

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Speaker 1: so if you are not a member of the Thrive tribe,

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Speaker 1: then please join us over there. You can find that

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Speaker 1: at their be for Black Girls dot com backslash tribe.

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Speaker 1: As always, I'm looking forward to continue in this conversation

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Speaker 1: with you all real soon. Take good care, m