Speaker 1: I am.
Speaker 2: I Amla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm,
Speaker 2: and a soft place to fall for others. I was
Speaker 2: a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself
Speaker 2: enough to be able to share my love with other people.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio
Speaker 2: in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome. Welcome to the our Spot,
Speaker 2: the place we come to examine, explore, investigate, expand our
Speaker 2: concepts and experiences of relationships, all kinds of relationships. Today
Speaker 2: we've got an interesting topic. Who checks the X? I
Speaker 2: cannot tell you how many letters I get, how many
Speaker 2: questions I get about Okay, I'm with this person and
Speaker 2: their ex calls or demands or disrespects me or intrude
Speaker 2: some way in our relationship, and my partner seems to
Speaker 2: be at a loss about how to deal with it.
Speaker 2: Who checks the X? When the ex has a presence
Speaker 2: in your relationship that's creating discord between you and your partner.
Speaker 2: Why does your partner have such a hard time checking
Speaker 2: the X? And what do you do when your partner
Speaker 2: seems to have an affinity, a connection and ongoing attachment
Speaker 2: to somebody they are no longer with Is this a minagatoire?
Speaker 2: Are there three of us in this relationship or four
Speaker 2: of us? And what happens? Should your partner have children
Speaker 2: and needs to con continue to be in a relationship
Speaker 2: with the ex. But the ex is just off the chain, rude, disrespectful, intrusive,
Speaker 2: bad behavior of all manner and all kind. And your
Speaker 2: partner seems to be totally oblivious. Ah, who checks the X?
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about that today and talk about
Speaker 2: what are some of the warning signs and what are
Speaker 2: some of the things that need to be corrected immediately,
Speaker 2: and how does that correction take place? And who does it?
Speaker 2: Do you do it? Does a partner do it? Does
Speaker 2: a partner check the X? Do you check the Oh?
Speaker 2: My goodness, As you can see, it is a hot mess,
Speaker 2: and that's why we're looking at it today. So I've
Speaker 2: got some callers who are going to bring their experience,
Speaker 2: and of course I've got some coaching so that I
Speaker 2: can support both my callers and you the listener about
Speaker 2: who checks the X? So let's get to it. Greetings,
Speaker 2: be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. We've got
Speaker 2: a hot topic today. That topic is who checks the X,
Speaker 2: So what is your experience in that area? Good afternoon,
Speaker 2: Good afternoon.
Speaker 3: I don't believe that anyone should check the X because
Speaker 3: the X has no place in a new relationship. So
Speaker 3: if the X is relevant, bothered from and in the relationship,
Speaker 3: and that means that I need to check my partner
Speaker 3: and that I need to check out of the relationship
Speaker 3: because the only way the X can be in the
Speaker 3: relationship is if they were let in. And so for me,
Speaker 3: when someone checks the X, it means now they're doing
Speaker 3: damage control because they should have checked that door to
Speaker 3: their path before it interfere with our relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but what about children? What about when your ex
Speaker 2: has children?
Speaker 3: I believe that there should be boundaries that are effected
Speaker 3: and then it's the X in that instance. In those scenarios,
Speaker 3: if they're causing problems, then there's always you know, ways
Speaker 3: to deal with that. Then I do believe that that
Speaker 3: falls on my partner to check the X. But the
Speaker 3: ex should never be in a position where they can
Speaker 3: threaten our relationship or make me feel uncomfortable, So that
Speaker 3: falls completely on my partner.
Speaker 2: Why would you feel uncomfortable if your partner has to
Speaker 2: deal with their ex. Maybe they own property together, maybe
Speaker 2: they have children together, Maybe there's an ongoing connection. You know,
Speaker 2: that's normal, manageable. Why would that make you feel uncomfortable?
Speaker 3: Oh no, it would only make me feel uncomfortable if
Speaker 3: boundaries are crossed, and if there are no boundaries that
Speaker 3: are set in place. So no no body by no
Speaker 3: by no means if there's postonic, if there's a platonic relationship,
Speaker 3: if they're cold parents, think if they're you know, tying
Speaker 3: up any loose in the nets. Absolutely understandable. But it
Speaker 3: becomes a threat to me and our relationships when those
Speaker 3: boundaries are crossed, when anything outside of a platonic relationship
Speaker 3: starts to kind of surface, you know, and then my
Speaker 3: intent is start to kind of go up.
Speaker 2: Mm hm. Tell me some of the boundaries that you
Speaker 2: think need to be in place when for a valid reason,
Speaker 2: a very valid reason, there's an X involved. What are
Speaker 2: some of those boundaries?
Speaker 3: Absolutely so, for instance, in a scenario where there's kids involved,
Speaker 3: I absolutely believe that you know, things happen. So if
Speaker 3: there's any communication between the exies, I think anything outside
Speaker 3: of the children or need eminent reasons or you know,
Speaker 3: life or death situations, I don't think that that those
Speaker 3: conversations should be have. I think it should be very
Speaker 3: much so specific to the children. And if it goes
Speaker 3: beyond that to anything more personal or you know, kind
Speaker 3: of reminiscing on as issues in their relationship, I think
Speaker 3: that's when boundaries are crossed. Anything that's platonic, I think
Speaker 3: that that's absolutely reasonable. But I think that there should
Speaker 3: be lines that are drawn and know one should be disrespected.
Speaker 2: Okay, so if they let's say there's children involved, what
Speaker 2: do you say about calling If the ex needs to call.
Speaker 3: They can call it anytime, even if it's in the
Speaker 3: real the night, as long as it's pertaining to the child.
Speaker 3: I'll also say this, I Ama, even if something happens
Speaker 3: to the other parents, if the other parent gets sick,
Speaker 3: then I do believe that that is reason to call
Speaker 3: and consult with the other parents because you know, maybe
Speaker 3: you know, my partner may have to go pick up
Speaker 3: their kids, you know, keep the kids for a while
Speaker 3: until the other parent gets better. You know, if there's
Speaker 3: a situation where the mother is facing you know, hardships
Speaker 3: in life. I do believe that those are situations because
Speaker 3: it ultimately affects the child. So as long as it
Speaker 3: still benefits the well being of the child. I think
Speaker 3: that's absolutely reasonable.
Speaker 2: What about come to my house. I've got a plumbing
Speaker 2: problem and I can't afford a plumber. Oh no, that
Speaker 2: affects the children.
Speaker 3: It does, But they can also move the children in
Speaker 3: with us, you know, temporarily, you know, while they kind
Speaker 3: of fix those issues. Right, So, and even if my
Speaker 3: partner wants to, you know, help out and those areas
Speaker 3: or kind of give extra funds, and that's absolutely okay,
Speaker 3: But I don't think it creates It starts to kind
Speaker 3: of open up a can of ones, and then it
Speaker 3: kind of creates room for doubt.
Speaker 2: Right, Do you want to know about all phone calls
Speaker 2: between your partner and the X No?
Speaker 3: And the reason thing is because if I need to
Speaker 3: know every single aspect of my partner's life when I'm
Speaker 3: not around them, then that means that there's something that's
Speaker 3: going to go on inside of me where I don't
Speaker 3: trust my partner. I don't need to know, but I
Speaker 3: would like to know if it's affecting the child. Okay,
Speaker 3: Oh well, Johnny's mom is sick, so he's gonna have
Speaker 3: to come stay with us for a few days. Okay, fine,
Speaker 3: you know, I will allow my partners the opportunity and
Speaker 3: you know, have the opportunity to kind of come to
Speaker 3: me with that. I don't I don't at all think
Speaker 3: that I should be kind of checking up, checking phones,
Speaker 3: you know, question them, because no one wants to do that, right.
Speaker 1: We want to have a very.
Speaker 3: Trusting relationship, and I would trust my partner to be
Speaker 3: open with me, to kind of communicate those things to me.
Speaker 3: Should I know it now? Because I am a firm
Speaker 3: believer was what goes and the watch comes out in
Speaker 3: the rich. So if anything is happening that's inappropriate, then
Speaker 3: I'll find at the time.
Speaker 2: Well, what what if the ex does, like you come
Speaker 2: to your house and don't speak to you in that.
Speaker 3: Instance, and that still kind of falls on my partner
Speaker 3: to address it. And you know, it's kind of like
Speaker 3: a tricky situation because I still want to kind of
Speaker 3: be cordial for the kid's sake. I would never, you know,
Speaker 3: act out of character in front of the kids. So
Speaker 3: if there's an answer to where I'm disrespecting, and you
Speaker 3: know there's you know, there are certain levels can disrespect
Speaker 3: that we just can't tolerate, then I would seak up.
Speaker 3: But I would absolutely quote my partner accountable for addressing
Speaker 3: those situations because if we're together, we're married, and we're
Speaker 3: living together, then then that means that you know, you
Speaker 3: should be checking your ass about speaking to your wife
Speaker 3: and respecting your wife, especially since we're all trying to,
Speaker 3: you know, maintain a cause your relationship for the kids,
Speaker 3: because you know it's it's really nonsense, and then the
Speaker 3: kids starts to kind of revent the other parents or
Speaker 3: the step parents.
Speaker 2: I don't think you've ever had to deal with this,
Speaker 2: have you? What I did?
Speaker 3: I did when I get married my son's father, he
Speaker 3: was very much so rebellious, he resented me. He started
Speaker 3: to disrespect my husband. So I addressed him because we
Speaker 3: are one right, so if you disrespect him, you're ultimately
Speaker 3: disrespecting me. So I was able to kind of get
Speaker 3: it under control. You know, I set boundaries where you
Speaker 3: don't you don't have to come side of my house.
Speaker 3: You know, we can kind of be still meet outside
Speaker 3: because what are you really coming inside of my house for, right,
Speaker 3: especially if you have an issue with my husband, because
Speaker 3: my husband is still you know, he's first of my life.
Speaker 3: You know, you're married your partner becomes you know, first
Speaker 3: a side from God. I'm so sorry, but absolutely it
Speaker 3: absolutely falls on me to make sure my partner knows
Speaker 3: that I respect him enough to not allow anyone else
Speaker 3: to disrespect him.
Speaker 2: So the X has to check the X. I can
Speaker 2: hear that. And you know, I think sometimes it may
Speaker 2: be a little different in your scenario. For example, you
Speaker 2: had the ex husband or the child's father acting inappropriately,
Speaker 2: so as the X, you checked him so that your
Speaker 2: current partner or your new partner would be respected. But
Speaker 2: thank you for calling, well.
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Okay, I enjoy it. Bye bye, Welcome back to the
Speaker 2: R spot. Today we are talking about who checks the
Speaker 2: X and I had a caller that said, it's the
Speaker 2: ex's responsibility to check the X. And I'm telling you,
Speaker 2: I have heard stories. I have heard stories, and what
Speaker 2: my first caller said is absolutely imperative. Boundaries. You must
Speaker 2: have clear boundaries. There must be boundaries between the old
Speaker 2: partner and the new partner, between the old partner and
Speaker 2: the relationship. There must be boundaries. There can be alliances
Speaker 2: when people are mature and when they're ready, and when
Speaker 2: that first relationship is totally complete. One of the things
Speaker 2: that creates problems is people break up but the relationship
Speaker 2: isn't complete, so they're still harboring feelings, carrying feelings, having
Speaker 2: feelings up. Please, it's a mess, but let me see
Speaker 2: what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved, and
Speaker 2: welcome to the R spot. We are talking today about
Speaker 2: who checks the X and the problems that an X
Speaker 2: can cause in a relationship when they haven't been checked,
Speaker 2: when they haven't been put in their place, when they
Speaker 2: don't have clear boundaries.
Speaker 1: So what is your experience my experiences? I just recently
Speaker 1: called my boyfriend on the telephone talking with his X.
Speaker 1: We got into at argument and then he told me
Speaker 1: that he's going to always love her no matter what.
Speaker 2: M Okay, you said, you caught you caught him on
Speaker 2: the phone. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Because he was he was quitz frid like on the
Speaker 1: phone and I said, who are you talking to and
Speaker 1: he said, I'm talking to Lisa And I said, Lisa,
Speaker 1: that's an ex that's an ex girlfriend and he said, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, and then we got into a little stack.
Speaker 1: Then he said he's gonna always love her no matter what.
Speaker 1: And then she sent some pictures, naked pictures of her?
Speaker 2: What what? Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Speaker 2: She said, what.
Speaker 1: Naked pictures of her? Brest and starts to him and
Speaker 1: he said, you wouldn't understand what that means. What does
Speaker 1: that mean?
Speaker 2: Well, what did it mean?
Speaker 1: It needs it's more going on besides being friends. I'll
Speaker 1: tell you that.
Speaker 2: So how old is your relationship with this person? Oh?
Speaker 1: Well, it's been four years now. What happened is Okay,
Speaker 1: I met him and we you know, we moved in
Speaker 1: together and everything like that. And then you know, I
Speaker 1: didn't know he was still talking to the girl. He said,
Speaker 1: he wasn't talking to anybody. I didn't know he was
Speaker 1: still in contact with his ex. And so I found
Speaker 1: he was talking on the phone to her. So we
Speaker 1: got together. Then everything went went so then he said,
Speaker 1: well he's not talking to her no more. Then recently
Speaker 1: I found out again he's still talking to her.
Speaker 2: Have you met her? Does she know you?
Speaker 1: No? No, she don't know me. I don't know her.
Speaker 1: I don't know about her name is Lisa?
Speaker 2: Okay? But is it her you need to check? Or
Speaker 2: is it him? You need to check?
Speaker 1: That's why I'm calling you. I don't know what he's doing.
Speaker 2: What what have you said to him about it? Have
Speaker 2: you told him that it doesn't feel right? It makes
Speaker 2: you uncomfortable because he can love her, but does he
Speaker 2: have clear boundaries with her? He can, he doesn't have
Speaker 2: to stop loving her.
Speaker 1: But why would you say make the pictures of yourself?
Speaker 2: Well, see, now that's crossing a boundary, right? And did
Speaker 2: you tell him how that makes you feel?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I feel, But that's how I feel. He's still
Speaker 1: going to be He's still going to be in love
Speaker 1: with her no matter what.
Speaker 2: That's a problem. Why did they break up?
Speaker 1: I can do about it?
Speaker 2: Why did they break up?
Speaker 1: I don't the story. I found out that she was
Speaker 1: on drugs and they had a partner together, and she
Speaker 1: was spending up the rent money, wasn't paying the rent
Speaker 1: and all. That's that's the story I heard from them.
Speaker 1: So I really don't know, and that's how they broke up.
Speaker 2: Is she the one he was with before you and
Speaker 2: him got together?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: Mm hmm okay, And so they've been separate in apart
Speaker 2: for almost four years?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes?
Speaker 2: So let me ask you, what are you willing to do?
Speaker 1: That's why I'm calling you. I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yes you do, Yes, you do.
Speaker 1: If I do from the beginning and he was still
Speaker 1: talking to her, I would have I would have never,
Speaker 1: you know, got involved in the relationship if he would
Speaker 1: have told me he was still talking to her. But
Speaker 1: a different story.
Speaker 2: Speaking to her is one thing.
Speaker 1: You think that's okay for your for his ex will
Speaker 1: still be they still should be talking into each other.
Speaker 1: How do I have exit? I don't even have nothing to do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I I talked to my ex. I don't
Speaker 2: go to this else he doesn't come to my house.
Speaker 2: I certainly the issue here is the naked pictures, because
Speaker 2: that's a level of intimacy that impugnes upon your relationship.
Speaker 2: And then for him to tell you I don't care
Speaker 2: how you feel, beloved, that's a problem. So are you
Speaker 2: gonna wait till you come home and find him in
Speaker 2: the bed together? Okay? What are you acting like? You
Speaker 2: don't know?
Speaker 1: I know, but you know, I wish I never just thought,
Speaker 1: you know, for you know, being in love with him
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. If you would have told me
Speaker 1: from the whole beginning, then you know, I would have
Speaker 1: went my way, you know, But I didn't know he
Speaker 1: was still talking to this lady. You know, I didn't know.
Speaker 1: I did not know.
Speaker 2: But listen to me all the in here. I want
Speaker 2: to say this again. Talking to her is not the issue.
Speaker 2: The fact that he has given her the space to
Speaker 2: send him intimate pictures that is the issue. Him loving
Speaker 2: her is not the issue. Because you can love somebody
Speaker 2: and know that you're not good for each other. You
Speaker 2: don't have to you can't be together. You can do that,
Speaker 2: that's fine, but you gotta have clear boundaries. Intimate pictures
Speaker 2: crosses a boundary. But more important than what she's done,
Speaker 2: it's what he has said to you. That's what you
Speaker 2: got to look at and deal with. So does he
Speaker 2: live in your house or do you live in his house?
Speaker 1: Well, I bought a house. I bought a house in
Speaker 1: North Carolina. So I'm in North Carolina now and he's here.
Speaker 1: It's my house.
Speaker 2: So do you want somebody in your house who disrespects you?
Speaker 1: No, I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't, But he's there.
Speaker 1: He's here, But you know, and I'm trying to find
Speaker 1: a way. I got trying to find a way out.
Speaker 1: You know, I can't deal with this because it's bothering me.
Speaker 1: It really bothers me.
Speaker 2: Well, let's let's not say I can't deal with it.
Speaker 2: That's because that makes you powerless, and you're not powerless.
Speaker 2: Let's say this is not how I choose to be
Speaker 2: in relationship with somebody. You don't choose that. So what
Speaker 2: is the conversation that you can have with him to
Speaker 2: let him know this is unacceptable and what the consequence
Speaker 2: will be if he doesn't get it cleared up?
Speaker 1: What will the consequence be he would have to go
Speaker 1: that's the end of the relationship.
Speaker 2: Okay, But what is the conversation that you could have
Speaker 2: with him?
Speaker 1: My conversation will be this, I just want him to
Speaker 1: you know, why do you have to stay in touch
Speaker 1: with this lady? What is this all about? Why is
Speaker 1: she sending you these pictures?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: He said, I'll never understand what's to understand about maked pictures?
Speaker 2: But why do you understand that the issue is not
Speaker 2: the pictures. The issue isn't even her, Yes, he is
Speaker 2: the issue that he thinks that's okay, that he would
Speaker 2: give her space to do that, and then he would
Speaker 2: tell you, I don't care what you feel about it,
Speaker 2: you don't understand. Well, this is what I understand. I
Speaker 2: can't be in relationship with the man who's receiving naked
Speaker 2: pictures from his ex. That's about him, that's not about her. Now,
Speaker 2: if she will call in your house and you know,
Speaker 2: making a disruption, he's given her the space to do
Speaker 2: what she's doing. And I get I get that you've
Speaker 2: got a four year investment in this relationship, but how
Speaker 2: far have they gone? Will they go? Can they go?
Speaker 2: If he is committed to this relationship with you, he
Speaker 2: would really want to check why he would do something
Speaker 2: that makes you uncomfortable. Why is she sending him naked pictures?
Speaker 2: That's not the appropriate question. The appropriate question is if
Speaker 2: you are in relationship with me, how do you think
Speaker 2: it makes me feel that you are having another woman
Speaker 2: send you naked pictures? That's the appropriate question. And also
Speaker 2: to let him know not tok. There's no argument here
Speaker 2: that's unacceptable. I will not be in a relationship with
Speaker 2: a man who's intimately involved with his AX. I don't
Speaker 2: have a problem with you loving her, that's your heart.
Speaker 2: You can do that. But this right here, m hm,
Speaker 2: don't work for me. Doesn't work for me. But I
Speaker 2: also hear your fear, hesitancy, resistance to the power stability
Speaker 2: that you may have to let him go. Mm hmm, yes,
Speaker 2: you do. Stop saying you don't know, You absolutely do know.
Speaker 2: What is your fear? Hesitancy, resistance? What is it?
Speaker 1: It's not no fear, it's just put im invested in
Speaker 1: this relationship, and you know it's it's a lot. I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 2: Let me ask you a question. Okay, now I'm gonna
Speaker 2: get all up in your business. All right, m hm.
Speaker 2: Prior to this relationship, did your partner cheat on you? No? Okay,
Speaker 2: So have you not that you he passed away? Okay, yeah,
Speaker 2: m he passed away. How long between his passing and
Speaker 2: this relationship.
Speaker 1: Maybe about about seven months? Seven eight months?
Speaker 2: Okay, So this is kind of like a rebound relationship.
Speaker 2: He's filling the space of that previous partner. So to
Speaker 2: let this go, you're gonna run, You're gonna fall head
Speaker 2: first into that empty space that your partner, your other
Speaker 2: partner left.
Speaker 1: But I mean we're together as a couple, so you
Speaker 1: know that's.
Speaker 2: You know, you're together as a couple. But he's receiving
Speaker 2: naked pictures from another woman, and what is the consequence
Speaker 2: of that? He knows, you know about the pictures. He
Speaker 2: knows you saw them, you raised it with them, So
Speaker 2: what is the consequence for him doing that? What's the consequence?
Speaker 2: So why should he stop?
Speaker 1: I mean getting that, I get an argument and stuff,
Speaker 1: but that's you know, well.
Speaker 2: What is the argument about? Tell me what the argument is? Like?
Speaker 1: Why should you filling your pictures? And why did you
Speaker 1: talking to and stuff? I thought you said you wasn't
Speaker 1: calling no more than h you know, stuff like that.
Speaker 1: You know, but this has to this has to end.
Speaker 1: It has to be over with. I'm really tired of it, really,
Speaker 1: that's why.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 1: I saw your thing and I said, let me give
Speaker 1: you a call and see what you What kind of
Speaker 1: advice you could give me about the situation.
Speaker 2: Well would you be if she hadn't sent the pictures?
Speaker 2: Are you okay with them being friendly and having conversation?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: If it was kids involved, yes of course, But okay,
Speaker 1: there's no there's no kids involved, No children involved.
Speaker 2: No kids, no property, no, no okay, nothing nothing. So
Speaker 2: make believe I'm him and tell me how this makes
Speaker 2: you feel.
Speaker 1: How would you feel? How would you feel if my
Speaker 1: if I had an ex and they were sending me
Speaker 1: maket pictures of them, you know, That's what I would
Speaker 1: ask him that question. And why you keep doing this
Speaker 1: to me? Why I'm not doing nothing wrong. I'm faithful,
Speaker 1: I don't do anything you know. I do everything right.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing anything wrong, you know.
Speaker 2: So let me offer you another possibility for a conversation. Okay,
Speaker 2: We've been in this relationship for four years now, and
Speaker 2: our relationship is important to me. I want you to
Speaker 2: know that I care about you, I love you. I
Speaker 2: want you to know that I'm really really grateful for
Speaker 2: what we have together and what we've built together. And
Speaker 2: I also want you to know that I need to
Speaker 2: trust you, that I need to know you respect me,
Speaker 2: you honor me as your partner. And I have to
Speaker 2: tell you honestly, the fact that you are okay with
Speaker 2: your ex sending you intimate pictures knowing that it upsets me.
Speaker 2: I'm not okay with that because that says to me
Speaker 2: a that you don't honor what we have together, be
Speaker 2: that somehow she's fulfilling a need for you that I
Speaker 2: don't fulfill, and see that it feels very disrespectful. So
Speaker 2: here's my request, stop it, stop it, and if it
Speaker 2: happens again, and if I discover that it's happening again,
Speaker 2: I want you to know, I'm out. It's called the
Speaker 2: deal breaker. This is a deal breaker. It's disrespectful, it's dishonorable.
Speaker 2: Now you want to love her, which says to me
Speaker 2: their relationship isn't complete. If she holds a certain place
Speaker 2: in your heart, I can't do anything about that. But
Speaker 2: she can't be in the place in your heart that
Speaker 2: I'm in. She can't be in there not naked fully clothed,
Speaker 2: if she had a church hat on, she don't need
Speaker 2: to be sending you no pictures. Okay, if I discover it,
Speaker 2: if you do it again, I'm out. This is done.
Speaker 2: That's called draw your line in the sand. Draw your
Speaker 2: line in the sand. And if he crosses that line,
Speaker 2: don't back up and draw another line. There's no reason
Speaker 2: for him to stop. He's told you he don't care
Speaker 2: what you think about it. He told you you don't
Speaker 2: understand his intimate communications with his acts, because as a man,
Speaker 2: he has to be care full with your heart, care
Speaker 2: meaning full of care for your heart. And if this
Speaker 2: disturbs your heart, if it disquiets your spirit, if it
Speaker 2: gives you doubt and hesitation, about your union. That needs
Speaker 2: to be important to him, and it doesn't sound like
Speaker 2: it is. Personally. I would tell him I want to
Speaker 2: talk to her, get her on the phone, and I
Speaker 2: would say to her, beloved, I know that you in
Speaker 2: Booboo had a relationship. My understanding is that's done. Is
Speaker 2: that accurate? Is your relationship with him over?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 2: If it is, I'm going to request that you no
Speaker 2: longer send him intimate pictures. We are in a relationship,
Speaker 2: and that is disrespectful. So here's the question. How much
Speaker 2: are you willing to disrespect yourself in order to be
Speaker 2: with somebody else?
Speaker 1: I am unhappy? Really, yeah, I am unhappy. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not really happy with the relationship and really like
Speaker 1: that and really into it, into it, into But now
Speaker 1: it's like dying. It's like kind of like behind out,
Speaker 1: you know, and I could you know because of that?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: So do you want to leave him or do you
Speaker 2: want to wait till he leaves you?
Speaker 1: I won't leave him. I think I'm ready. I'm ready. No,
Speaker 1: I'm really ready.
Speaker 2: And I want you to keep in mind what I said.
Speaker 2: Once he's gone, you're going to fall head first into
Speaker 2: the hole that your other partner left when he transitioned,
Speaker 2: when he died, Because this is really a rebound relationship.
Speaker 2: How long were you with him before you passed away?
Speaker 1: At about seven years.
Speaker 2: There's no way that you're with somebody for seven years.
Speaker 2: They die, so there's no possibility for reconciliation. They die,
Speaker 2: youre is no way you're ready for a relationship in
Speaker 2: seven months. So let's give thanks that this wonderful child
Speaker 2: of God, the partner you're with now, came in to
Speaker 2: support you in healing and and getting over your other partner.
Speaker 2: But now four years later, four years later, now you
Speaker 2: get to grieve. Now you get to grieve, and I
Speaker 2: want to encourage you. Don't don't fight, draw your line
Speaker 2: in the sand, make your specific request, and if he
Speaker 2: cannot honor that request, don't back up and draw another line.
Speaker 2: This is done. I'm out, Take your naked pictures and go,
Speaker 2: go go whatever it doesn't No, don't even don't even
Speaker 2: issue that invitation. Where he goes is none of your business.
Speaker 2: He can go home to Mama sofa, he can go
Speaker 2: to the y MCA. Where he goes is none of
Speaker 2: your business. This is done. You got seven days to
Speaker 2: be out of here. Or twenty four hours or forty
Speaker 2: eight hours or whatever. Don't argue, and then.
Speaker 1: You get so much for your advice.
Speaker 2: Okay, my love, you take good care.
Speaker 1: Okank you so much again. Bye bye, all right, and
Speaker 1: you have a bye bye. You have a blessed day now.
Speaker 2: Thank you. Oh my heart goes out to us beyond
Speaker 2: who checks the X. It's the things that we will
Speaker 2: accommodate and tolerate and entertain and engage just not to
Speaker 2: be alone or to be with someone or whatever. But
Speaker 2: that's an important question. How much self disrespect, self denial
Speaker 2: will you endure just to be with someone else? Oh
Speaker 2: my god, I can't even and there's nothing to argue about.
Speaker 2: This is done. I'm out. This is done. I want
Speaker 2: to talk about drawing that line in the sand. I
Speaker 2: want to talk about creating clear boundaries. I want to
Speaker 2: talk about how to present your case when the ex
Speaker 2: is running a monk, or when your current partner is
Speaker 2: giving the ex permission to run a monk. We'll talk
Speaker 2: about that right after this break. Welcome back to the
Speaker 2: R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Who checks
Speaker 2: the X is our topic for today, and my last
Speaker 2: caller presented a very very interesting scenario where her current
Speaker 2: partner admitted that he's still in love with his ex
Speaker 2: and told her that she wouldn't understand why the ex
Speaker 2: is sending him naked pictures. Listen, there's some things I
Speaker 2: don't need to understand. There are some things that are
Speaker 2: just unacceptable that I will not accommodate or tolerate, or
Speaker 2: entertain or engage in my space. And that's when you
Speaker 2: draw your line in the sand. You have to have
Speaker 2: a deal breaker. We did a whole show about deal breakers.
Speaker 2: You have to have a deal breaker. And whether it's
Speaker 2: the ex, the mama, the kids. You are kids, you
Speaker 2: know you have to put up with a little more.
Speaker 2: But when it's just two adults and there's something going
Speaker 2: on that violates your sense of peace and joy, something
Speaker 2: that violates the trust of your relationship, you must draw
Speaker 2: your line in the sand, meaning this is where I
Speaker 2: draw my line, and if you cross this line, I'm
Speaker 2: out done. I don't care if we've been together since
Speaker 2: God visited Chicago, I'm out because without the line in
Speaker 2: the sand, there's no consequences. And if there's no consequences,
Speaker 2: why should the person stop. Draw your line in the
Speaker 2: sand and if they cross it, you must enact the consequences.
Speaker 2: You must know this is a deal breaker. That's why
Speaker 2: you got to set your deal breakers before you get
Speaker 2: into the relationship. Who checks the X? Who checks the X?
Speaker 2: I think, and I could be wrong, that it's the
Speaker 2: ex's partner, your current partner's responsibility to check the X,
Speaker 2: to draw the line, to create the boundaries, just as
Speaker 2: my first callers. And when that's not done, or when
Speaker 2: the ex is reluctant, hesitant, ineffective, then how do you respond?
Speaker 2: What do you do?
Speaker 6: And that's my next.
Speaker 2: Caller, Zakiya are you there?
Speaker 5: I am here?
Speaker 2: Who checks the X?
Speaker 5: Well, you know the ex should checks the X.
Speaker 4: I think that there should be an opportunity in space
Speaker 4: given for.
Speaker 5: Your partner to check their X.
Speaker 4: But right around the time they don't, it's my turn
Speaker 4: I will check X.
Speaker 2: So what was your experience and what has your experience
Speaker 2: s been?
Speaker 4: Well, my previous relationship, the X just did a lot
Speaker 4: of different things that I felt were inappropriate.
Speaker 2: Oh, do tell give me the dirt.
Speaker 4: We're talking about inappropriate phone calls that had nothing to
Speaker 4: do with their child. We're talking about me finding out
Speaker 4: that they were on my property doing things with their child,
Speaker 4: chopping wood, things of that nature, all of which I
Speaker 4: addressed with my partner. And there were times that he
Speaker 4: said he didn't know about those things or that he
Speaker 4: would address them, but there were there were little to
Speaker 4: no changes. So when I saw that he was not
Speaker 4: addressing the challenges that were very present and obvious, at
Speaker 4: some point she sent her son into my house to
Speaker 4: get her something to drink, and I shut it down.
Speaker 5: It was done.
Speaker 2: Okay, wait a minute, you said some juicy things here
Speaker 2: that I want to clear up. Okay, you said they
Speaker 2: were inappropriate phone calls. Do tell give me the dirt. Well,
Speaker 2: what is an inappropriate phone call?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 5: Where are you? What are you doing?
Speaker 4: Which had nothing to do with their son? You know,
Speaker 4: the son was here, you know, at our home, and
Speaker 4: so why does she need to know where you are
Speaker 4: or what you're doing? That's inappropriate? Okay, Paul's that you know.
Speaker 4: I do believe that you know, you have history with
Speaker 4: your ex and you know you can still love them,
Speaker 4: but there are boundaries that you should have if you
Speaker 4: are in a relationship.
Speaker 5: Okay, So you know, being.
Speaker 4: Cordial even you know, having a friendship that allows you
Speaker 4: to present very well for your child. I believe it
Speaker 4: is necessary and healthy for the child. But when it
Speaker 4: comes down to we're just calling and having casual conversations,
Speaker 4: I think that that's for me, is where I drawed
Speaker 4: the line.
Speaker 2: Now, let me ask you a question, because I raised
Speaker 2: this scenario earlier. Were you ever formally introduced to the
Speaker 2: ex since you all are sharing a child?
Speaker 5: Uh huh, I will say.
Speaker 4: I will say, you know, we were well into the relationship,
Speaker 4: you know, months in almost a year in before it
Speaker 4: was a you know, we're picking up the sun and
Speaker 4: so and so, this is so and so, and it
Speaker 4: was a high enda by so there was no conversation,
Speaker 4: there was you know, there was no formal introduction.
Speaker 2: No, see that. I believe that's a problem, particularly or
Speaker 2: specifically when there are children involved. When an X goes
Speaker 2: into a new relationship and that ex, whether it's a
Speaker 2: he or she, are co parenting with the ex, I
Speaker 2: think the partners need to be introduced so that you
Speaker 2: and his mother can have alignment and what you're doing
Speaker 2: with him for the child. I just think that makes sense.
Speaker 2: Otherwise it's going to be a natural friction or a disconnect.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense to you?
Speaker 5: Absolutely, especially if your child is living in my home?
Speaker 2: Ooh, okay, so inappropriate phone calls? No, inappropriate phone calls. Now,
Speaker 2: what do you do or what did you do when
Speaker 2: your partner didn't check his acts? What did you do?
Speaker 5: I checked him?
Speaker 2: Oh, tell me more, give me the dirt.
Speaker 4: You know, my issue is not with her. My issue
Speaker 4: is with him because he's the one I'm.
Speaker 5: In relationship with.
Speaker 4: However, when I did have an issue with her was
Speaker 4: when you know, I mentioned that she sent the child
Speaker 4: into the house to get her something from out of
Speaker 4: my house. That's where I drew the line, because you
Speaker 4: don't get to send anyone into my house to ask
Speaker 4: for anything for you. Now, you can have him come,
Speaker 4: ask me if it's okay, and I would probably have
Speaker 4: given you a bottle of order. But you can't assume
Speaker 4: I'm not going to drop your son off to your
Speaker 4: house and tell him to go in your house and
Speaker 4: get me something out of it. That's inappropriate.
Speaker 2: Why didn't she come to the door and ask for
Speaker 2: a glass of water?
Speaker 4: Well, because prior to that there was very minimal communication
Speaker 4: and conversation between she and I. So more just a
Speaker 4: high and by so there's really never been a relationship established.
Speaker 4: So I don't know if this was a practice that
Speaker 4: she had with him prior to me coming into the
Speaker 4: fold of things. You know, she may have been able
Speaker 4: to send her son into his house to get something,
Speaker 4: you know, And so I don't want to make up
Speaker 4: what that was for her, but for me, she needed
Speaker 4: to know it was inappropriate.
Speaker 2: Uh. Yeah, And again I'm going back to my premise
Speaker 2: that it's important for the new partner and the ex
Speaker 2: to have connection, specifically when there are children involved. When
Speaker 2: there are children involved, absolutely you've got to have an
Speaker 2: alliance because if the child is living in the house
Speaker 2: with the new partner, then the non custodial parent needs
Speaker 2: to be in communication. You don't have to get your
Speaker 2: nails done together or go to the barbershop together, but
Speaker 2: there needs to be an alliance between the non custodial
Speaker 2: parent and the custodial parents new partner. Otherwise how do
Speaker 2: you communicate about the child?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 4: You will also find and I can't say that this
Speaker 4: was the case in my relationship, but I have seen
Speaker 4: it where you know, people aren't complete with the X.
Speaker 5: Yes, and so where I have.
Speaker 4: Seen in other instances, you know, people will say things
Speaker 4: to the current partner to keep them away from the
Speaker 4: X so that they can play their little game, you know.
Speaker 4: And so I've seen a lot of that, and that
Speaker 4: really creates a lot of problems and relationships because there
Speaker 4: are inappropriate things that are being said to the X,
Speaker 4: which then in turn gives the X space and permission
Speaker 4: to disrespect the current partner.
Speaker 2: Bad behavior, bad behavior. Do not gossip about your current
Speaker 2: partner with your ex. Do not do that, because that
Speaker 2: creates an alliance between the two exes against the current
Speaker 2: partner that is bound to end up in a mess.
Speaker 2: It's bound. So when the day came that you had
Speaker 2: to check her, what you do?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 5: You know the scenario when.
Speaker 4: With the son calling her and telling her I told
Speaker 4: her no, him no, that he could not provide the water.
Speaker 4: And then she thought she was gonna call and check me.
Speaker 2: Oh oh, oh, oh, checkmate. What happened.
Speaker 4: Her initial conversation was, if you have something to say
Speaker 4: to my son about me, you need to say it
Speaker 4: to me. And my response to her is that what
Speaker 4: I said to your son I would say to anyone,
Speaker 4: because he can't come into this house take something out
Speaker 4: of it to give to anyone without having a conversation
Speaker 4: with me and his father, So whether it was you
Speaker 4: or someone else, he would have got the same conversation.
Speaker 4: And so of course it turned into a lot of
Speaker 4: her What she said to me was that she had
Speaker 4: been gracious enough with me, So that's where the checking
Speaker 4: started me and so I just kind of ran down
Speaker 4: all of the inappropriateness of her behavior and some of
Speaker 4: the things.
Speaker 5: She went on to explain that my partner knew about that.
Speaker 5: He told me he didn't know about some of the things.
Speaker 4: She didn't see how or where they were problematic.
Speaker 5: So I was able.
Speaker 4: To express and explain how they were for me and
Speaker 4: inappropriate for me, and you know, in this particular case,
Speaker 4: by the end of the conversation she was apologizing, so
Speaker 4: it you know, it turned out to where, you know,
Speaker 4: we are cordial. I'm not interested in being her friend,
Speaker 4: and I don't think she's interested in being mine. But
Speaker 4: as long as there's an understanding and a respect level there,
Speaker 4: I'm fine.
Speaker 2: With that, all right. So, if I'm hearing you correctly,
Speaker 2: your belief experienced position stance is that it's the extras
Speaker 2: responsibility to check the ex However, when that doesn't happen,
Speaker 2: if you have to take matters into your own hands,
Speaker 2: stay clear and specific about your line in the sand.
Speaker 5: Absolutely.
Speaker 2: Okay, well that makes a lot of sense to me.
Speaker 4: Because I'm because here's the thing, I'm not fighting for
Speaker 4: the man. Okay, you need to respect me, and you
Speaker 4: need to respect my role in your child's life.
Speaker 2: Okay, important, very important. Respect me. Respect my role in
Speaker 2: your child's life because the child lives in my house. Yes, okay, interesting,
Speaker 2: all right, well I thank you for sharing that. So listen,
Speaker 2: this is what I'm getting about who responsibility it is
Speaker 2: to check the X. I hear overwhelmingly that is the
Speaker 2: ex responsibility to check the X. By creating clear boundaries,
Speaker 2: I'm also inviting you to consider, when there's an X involved,
Speaker 2: what are your deal breakers? What are your deal breakers?
Speaker 2: Because sometimes the X may not check the X, or
Speaker 2: sometimes the X the other the outside party is just
Speaker 2: engaging in bad behavior. You've got to know what your
Speaker 2: deal breakers are, and that deal breaker will break the relationship.
Speaker 2: You've gotta know that. You've gotta be clear about that.
Speaker 2: You've gotta understand it. If your husband brings home a
Speaker 2: baby from an outside relationship, is that a deal breaker?
Speaker 2: If your wife relies upon her ex or your current
Speaker 2: partner relies upon her X to fix things around the house,
Speaker 2: which brings that X into your house when you're not there.
Speaker 2: Is that a deal breaker? What are your deal breakers?
Speaker 2: You gotta have deal breakers as it relates to the X. Also,
Speaker 2: what is your line in the sand that you draw
Speaker 2: for your current partner as it relates not only to
Speaker 2: the X, to everything. But right now we're talking about exes.
Speaker 2: What is your line in the sand. If you cross
Speaker 2: this line, boo, I'm done with you. But sometimes we're
Speaker 2: so afraid to let go of what we don't want
Speaker 2: that will hold on to it. So the EX checks
Speaker 2: the X. You gotta have clear boundaries. Got to know
Speaker 2: your deal breakers. You gotta be willing to draw your
Speaker 2: line in the sand. And this one, my pet peeve.
Speaker 2: If you've got an X and there are children involved,
Speaker 2: it is imperative for you to make a formal introduction
Speaker 2: between your ex and your current partner so that the
Speaker 2: alliance is there for the sake of the children. I
Speaker 2: hope you've heard something today that you can use, something
Speaker 2: that you can apply should this situation apply to you.
Speaker 2: We all just want to be happy, want to be peaceful,
Speaker 2: want our relationships to work, and sometimes it means you've
Speaker 2: got to make really, really hard decisions. But always speak
Speaker 2: your heart, speak your truth, ask for what you want.
Speaker 2: Thank you for tuning in, for listening, and I'll see
Speaker 2: you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and
Speaker 2: not in pieces.
Speaker 6: Bye.
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