1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: I am. 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:07,360 Speaker 2: I Amla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, 3 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:11,039 Speaker 2: and a soft place to fall for others. I was 4 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 2: a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself 5 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 2: enough to be able to share my love with other people. 6 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,800 Speaker 2: Welcome to the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio 7 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:37,120 Speaker 2: in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome. Welcome to the our Spot, 8 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:43,600 Speaker 2: the place we come to examine, explore, investigate, expand our 9 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 2: concepts and experiences of relationships, all kinds of relationships. Today 10 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:58,720 Speaker 2: we've got an interesting topic. Who checks the X? I 11 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 2: cannot tell you how many letters I get, how many 12 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 2: questions I get about Okay, I'm with this person and 13 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 2: their ex calls or demands or disrespects me or intrude 14 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 2: some way in our relationship, and my partner seems to 15 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 2: be at a loss about how to deal with it. 16 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,399 Speaker 2: Who checks the X? When the ex has a presence 17 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:32,280 Speaker 2: in your relationship that's creating discord between you and your partner. 18 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,800 Speaker 2: Why does your partner have such a hard time checking 19 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 2: the X? And what do you do when your partner 20 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:45,040 Speaker 2: seems to have an affinity, a connection and ongoing attachment 21 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:50,120 Speaker 2: to somebody they are no longer with Is this a minagatoire? 22 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 2: Are there three of us in this relationship or four 23 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 2: of us? And what happens? Should your partner have children 24 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 2: and needs to con continue to be in a relationship 25 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 2: with the ex. But the ex is just off the chain, rude, disrespectful, intrusive, 26 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 2: bad behavior of all manner and all kind. And your 27 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:20,720 Speaker 2: partner seems to be totally oblivious. Ah, who checks the X? 28 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 2: We're going to talk about that today and talk about 29 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:30,519 Speaker 2: what are some of the warning signs and what are 30 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 2: some of the things that need to be corrected immediately, 31 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,240 Speaker 2: and how does that correction take place? And who does it? 32 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 2: Do you do it? Does a partner do it? Does 33 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,639 Speaker 2: a partner check the X? Do you check the Oh? 34 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 2: My goodness, As you can see, it is a hot mess, 35 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,040 Speaker 2: and that's why we're looking at it today. So I've 36 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,040 Speaker 2: got some callers who are going to bring their experience, 37 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,920 Speaker 2: and of course I've got some coaching so that I 38 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 2: can support both my callers and you the listener about 39 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 2: who checks the X? So let's get to it. Greetings, 40 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 2: be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. We've got 41 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 2: a hot topic today. That topic is who checks the X, 42 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 2: So what is your experience in that area? Good afternoon, 43 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:25,919 Speaker 2: Good afternoon. 44 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 3: I don't believe that anyone should check the X because 45 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:34,079 Speaker 3: the X has no place in a new relationship. So 46 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 3: if the X is relevant, bothered from and in the relationship, 47 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 3: and that means that I need to check my partner 48 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,600 Speaker 3: and that I need to check out of the relationship 49 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 3: because the only way the X can be in the 50 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 3: relationship is if they were let in. And so for me, 51 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 3: when someone checks the X, it means now they're doing 52 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 3: damage control because they should have checked that door to 53 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 3: their path before it interfere with our relationship. 54 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, but what about children? What about when your ex 55 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 2: has children? 56 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,480 Speaker 3: I believe that there should be boundaries that are effected 57 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,960 Speaker 3: and then it's the X in that instance. In those scenarios, 58 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 3: if they're causing problems, then there's always you know, ways 59 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 3: to deal with that. Then I do believe that that 60 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 3: falls on my partner to check the X. But the 61 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,839 Speaker 3: ex should never be in a position where they can 62 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:31,320 Speaker 3: threaten our relationship or make me feel uncomfortable, So that 63 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,080 Speaker 3: falls completely on my partner. 64 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 2: Why would you feel uncomfortable if your partner has to 65 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,599 Speaker 2: deal with their ex. Maybe they own property together, maybe 66 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:47,840 Speaker 2: they have children together, Maybe there's an ongoing connection. You know, 67 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 2: that's normal, manageable. Why would that make you feel uncomfortable? 68 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,159 Speaker 3: Oh no, it would only make me feel uncomfortable if 69 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,240 Speaker 3: boundaries are crossed, and if there are no boundaries that 70 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 3: are set in place. So no no body by no 71 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 3: by no means if there's postonic, if there's a platonic relationship, 72 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,240 Speaker 3: if they're cold parents, think if they're you know, tying 73 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,919 Speaker 3: up any loose in the nets. Absolutely understandable. But it 74 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 3: becomes a threat to me and our relationships when those 75 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 3: boundaries are crossed, when anything outside of a platonic relationship 76 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 3: starts to kind of surface, you know, and then my 77 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 3: intent is start to kind of go up. 78 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 2: Mm hm. Tell me some of the boundaries that you 79 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 2: think need to be in place when for a valid reason, 80 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 2: a very valid reason, there's an X involved. What are 81 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 2: some of those boundaries? 82 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 3: Absolutely so, for instance, in a scenario where there's kids involved, 83 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:53,080 Speaker 3: I absolutely believe that you know, things happen. So if 84 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:57,920 Speaker 3: there's any communication between the exies, I think anything outside 85 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 3: of the children or need eminent reasons or you know, 86 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 3: life or death situations, I don't think that that those 87 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,279 Speaker 3: conversations should be have. I think it should be very 88 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 3: much so specific to the children. And if it goes 89 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 3: beyond that to anything more personal or you know, kind 90 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:25,040 Speaker 3: of reminiscing on as issues in their relationship, I think 91 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,279 Speaker 3: that's when boundaries are crossed. Anything that's platonic, I think 92 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 3: that that's absolutely reasonable. But I think that there should 93 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,799 Speaker 3: be lines that are drawn and know one should be disrespected. 94 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 2: Okay, so if they let's say there's children involved, what 95 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:52,279 Speaker 2: do you say about calling If the ex needs to call. 96 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 3: They can call it anytime, even if it's in the 97 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,720 Speaker 3: real the night, as long as it's pertaining to the child. 98 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,359 Speaker 3: I'll also say this, I Ama, even if something happens 99 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,560 Speaker 3: to the other parents, if the other parent gets sick, 100 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 3: then I do believe that that is reason to call 101 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 3: and consult with the other parents because you know, maybe 102 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 3: you know, my partner may have to go pick up 103 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,920 Speaker 3: their kids, you know, keep the kids for a while 104 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 3: until the other parent gets better. You know, if there's 105 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 3: a situation where the mother is facing you know, hardships 106 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 3: in life. I do believe that those are situations because 107 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 3: it ultimately affects the child. So as long as it 108 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 3: still benefits the well being of the child. I think 109 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 3: that's absolutely reasonable. 110 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 2: What about come to my house. I've got a plumbing 111 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 2: problem and I can't afford a plumber. Oh no, that 112 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 2: affects the children. 113 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 3: It does, But they can also move the children in 114 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 3: with us, you know, temporarily, you know, while they kind 115 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 3: of fix those issues. Right, So, and even if my 116 00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 3: partner wants to, you know, help out and those areas 117 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 3: or kind of give extra funds, and that's absolutely okay, 118 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 3: But I don't think it creates It starts to kind 119 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 3: of open up a can of ones, and then it 120 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 3: kind of creates room for doubt. 121 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 2: Right, Do you want to know about all phone calls 122 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 2: between your partner and the X No? 123 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 3: And the reason thing is because if I need to 124 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 3: know every single aspect of my partner's life when I'm 125 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 3: not around them, then that means that there's something that's 126 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 3: going to go on inside of me where I don't 127 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,840 Speaker 3: trust my partner. I don't need to know, but I 128 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 3: would like to know if it's affecting the child. Okay, 129 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 3: Oh well, Johnny's mom is sick, so he's gonna have 130 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 3: to come stay with us for a few days. Okay, fine, 131 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 3: you know, I will allow my partners the opportunity and 132 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,320 Speaker 3: you know, have the opportunity to kind of come to 133 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,360 Speaker 3: me with that. I don't I don't at all think 134 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,880 Speaker 3: that I should be kind of checking up, checking phones, 135 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 3: you know, question them, because no one wants to do that, right. 136 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 1: We want to have a very. 137 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 3: Trusting relationship, and I would trust my partner to be 138 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,480 Speaker 3: open with me, to kind of communicate those things to me. 139 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,080 Speaker 3: Should I know it now? Because I am a firm 140 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 3: believer was what goes and the watch comes out in 141 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 3: the rich. So if anything is happening that's inappropriate, then 142 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 3: I'll find at the time. 143 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,679 Speaker 2: Well, what what if the ex does, like you come 144 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 2: to your house and don't speak to you in that. 145 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 3: Instance, and that still kind of falls on my partner 146 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,520 Speaker 3: to address it. And you know, it's kind of like 147 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 3: a tricky situation because I still want to kind of 148 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 3: be cordial for the kid's sake. I would never, you know, 149 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,160 Speaker 3: act out of character in front of the kids. So 150 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 3: if there's an answer to where I'm disrespecting, and you 151 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 3: know there's you know, there are certain levels can disrespect 152 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 3: that we just can't tolerate, then I would seak up. 153 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 3: But I would absolutely quote my partner accountable for addressing 154 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 3: those situations because if we're together, we're married, and we're 155 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 3: living together, then then that means that you know, you 156 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 3: should be checking your ass about speaking to your wife 157 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:15,040 Speaker 3: and respecting your wife, especially since we're all trying to, 158 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 3: you know, maintain a cause your relationship for the kids, 159 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,400 Speaker 3: because you know it's it's really nonsense, and then the 160 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 3: kids starts to kind of revent the other parents or 161 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 3: the step parents. 162 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,400 Speaker 2: I don't think you've ever had to deal with this, 163 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 2: have you? What I did? 164 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 3: I did when I get married my son's father, he 165 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 3: was very much so rebellious, he resented me. He started 166 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 3: to disrespect my husband. So I addressed him because we 167 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,400 Speaker 3: are one right, so if you disrespect him, you're ultimately 168 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:53,840 Speaker 3: disrespecting me. So I was able to kind of get 169 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:58,840 Speaker 3: it under control. You know, I set boundaries where you 170 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 3: don't you don't have to come side of my house. 171 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 3: You know, we can kind of be still meet outside 172 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 3: because what are you really coming inside of my house for, right, 173 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,360 Speaker 3: especially if you have an issue with my husband, because 174 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,559 Speaker 3: my husband is still you know, he's first of my life. 175 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 3: You know, you're married your partner becomes you know, first 176 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 3: a side from God. I'm so sorry, but absolutely it 177 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 3: absolutely falls on me to make sure my partner knows 178 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 3: that I respect him enough to not allow anyone else 179 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 3: to disrespect him. 180 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 2: So the X has to check the X. I can 181 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 2: hear that. And you know, I think sometimes it may 182 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 2: be a little different in your scenario. For example, you 183 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:52,319 Speaker 2: had the ex husband or the child's father acting inappropriately, 184 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 2: so as the X, you checked him so that your 185 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 2: current partner or your new partner would be respected. But 186 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 2: thank you for calling, well. 187 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. 188 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 2: Okay, I enjoy it. Bye bye, Welcome back to the 189 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 2: R spot. Today we are talking about who checks the 190 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,560 Speaker 2: X and I had a caller that said, it's the 191 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:36,760 Speaker 2: ex's responsibility to check the X. And I'm telling you, 192 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 2: I have heard stories. I have heard stories, and what 193 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 2: my first caller said is absolutely imperative. Boundaries. You must 194 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,679 Speaker 2: have clear boundaries. There must be boundaries between the old 195 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 2: partner and the new partner, between the old partner and 196 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 2: the relationship. There must be boundaries. There can be alliances 197 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 2: when people are mature and when they're ready, and when 198 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:11,240 Speaker 2: that first relationship is totally complete. One of the things 199 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:15,079 Speaker 2: that creates problems is people break up but the relationship 200 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:19,680 Speaker 2: isn't complete, so they're still harboring feelings, carrying feelings, having 201 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 2: feelings up. Please, it's a mess, but let me see 202 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 2: what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved, and 203 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 2: welcome to the R spot. We are talking today about 204 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 2: who checks the X and the problems that an X 205 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,400 Speaker 2: can cause in a relationship when they haven't been checked, 206 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,480 Speaker 2: when they haven't been put in their place, when they 207 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,960 Speaker 2: don't have clear boundaries. 208 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: So what is your experience my experiences? I just recently 209 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,080 Speaker 1: called my boyfriend on the telephone talking with his X. 210 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: We got into at argument and then he told me 211 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: that he's going to always love her no matter what. 212 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:03,800 Speaker 2: M Okay, you said, you caught you caught him on 213 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,400 Speaker 2: the phone. What does that mean? 214 00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:07,840 Speaker 1: Because he was he was quitz frid like on the 215 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: phone and I said, who are you talking to and 216 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,880 Speaker 1: he said, I'm talking to Lisa And I said, Lisa, 217 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 1: that's an ex that's an ex girlfriend and he said, yeah, 218 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 1: you know, and then we got into a little stack. 219 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,840 Speaker 1: Then he said he's gonna always love her no matter what. 220 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: And then she sent some pictures, naked pictures of her? 221 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 2: What what? Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute. 222 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,120 Speaker 2: She said, what. 223 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: Naked pictures of her? Brest and starts to him and 224 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: he said, you wouldn't understand what that means. What does 225 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:31,720 Speaker 1: that mean? 226 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:34,840 Speaker 2: Well, what did it mean? 227 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 1: It needs it's more going on besides being friends. I'll 228 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 1: tell you that. 229 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 2: So how old is your relationship with this person? Oh? 230 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 1: Well, it's been four years now. What happened is Okay, 231 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: I met him and we you know, we moved in 232 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,320 Speaker 1: together and everything like that. And then you know, I 233 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: didn't know he was still talking to the girl. He said, 234 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: he wasn't talking to anybody. I didn't know he was 235 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,080 Speaker 1: still in contact with his ex. And so I found 236 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 1: he was talking on the phone to her. So we 237 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 1: got together. Then everything went went so then he said, 238 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: well he's not talking to her no more. Then recently 239 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,359 Speaker 1: I found out again he's still talking to her. 240 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 2: Have you met her? Does she know you? 241 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,760 Speaker 1: No? No, she don't know me. I don't know her. 242 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: I don't know about her name is Lisa? 243 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 2: Okay? But is it her you need to check? Or 244 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 2: is it him? You need to check? 245 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 1: That's why I'm calling you. I don't know what he's doing. 246 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 2: What what have you said to him about it? Have 247 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 2: you told him that it doesn't feel right? It makes 248 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 2: you uncomfortable because he can love her, but does he 249 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 2: have clear boundaries with her? He can, he doesn't have 250 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 2: to stop loving her. 251 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 1: But why would you say make the pictures of yourself? 252 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,480 Speaker 2: Well, see, now that's crossing a boundary, right? And did 253 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 2: you tell him how that makes you feel? 254 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: Yeah? I feel, But that's how I feel. He's still 255 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 1: going to be He's still going to be in love 256 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 1: with her no matter what. 257 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 2: That's a problem. Why did they break up? 258 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: I can do about it? 259 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,440 Speaker 2: Why did they break up? 260 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: I don't the story. I found out that she was 261 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: on drugs and they had a partner together, and she 262 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: was spending up the rent money, wasn't paying the rent 263 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: and all. That's that's the story I heard from them. 264 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,320 Speaker 1: So I really don't know, and that's how they broke up. 265 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,720 Speaker 2: Is she the one he was with before you and 266 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 2: him got together? 267 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:20,760 Speaker 1: Yes? 268 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 2: Mm hmm okay, And so they've been separate in apart 269 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 2: for almost four years? 270 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 4: Right? 271 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:28,600 Speaker 1: Yes? Yes? 272 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 2: So let me ask you, what are you willing to do? 273 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,800 Speaker 1: That's why I'm calling you. I don't know. 274 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 2: Yes you do, Yes, you do. 275 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: If I do from the beginning and he was still 276 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,120 Speaker 1: talking to her, I would have I would have never, 277 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,000 Speaker 1: you know, got involved in the relationship if he would 278 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: have told me he was still talking to her. But 279 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: a different story. 280 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,120 Speaker 2: Speaking to her is one thing. 281 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: You think that's okay for your for his ex will 282 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: still be they still should be talking into each other. 283 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: How do I have exit? I don't even have nothing to do. 284 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I I talked to my ex. I don't 285 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,480 Speaker 2: go to this else he doesn't come to my house. 286 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:06,520 Speaker 2: I certainly the issue here is the naked pictures, because 287 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 2: that's a level of intimacy that impugnes upon your relationship. 288 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 2: And then for him to tell you I don't care 289 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 2: how you feel, beloved, that's a problem. So are you 290 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,679 Speaker 2: gonna wait till you come home and find him in 291 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:25,199 Speaker 2: the bed together? Okay? What are you acting like? You 292 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:25,800 Speaker 2: don't know? 293 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 1: I know, but you know, I wish I never just thought, 294 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: you know, for you know, being in love with him 295 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,119 Speaker 1: and stuff like that. If you would have told me 296 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: from the whole beginning, then you know, I would have 297 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,159 Speaker 1: went my way, you know, But I didn't know he 298 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 1: was still talking to this lady. You know, I didn't know. 299 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: I did not know. 300 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 2: But listen to me all the in here. I want 301 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,440 Speaker 2: to say this again. Talking to her is not the issue. 302 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,639 Speaker 2: The fact that he has given her the space to 303 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:59,399 Speaker 2: send him intimate pictures that is the issue. Him loving 304 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 2: her is not the issue. Because you can love somebody 305 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,959 Speaker 2: and know that you're not good for each other. You 306 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,920 Speaker 2: don't have to you can't be together. You can do that, 307 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,639 Speaker 2: that's fine, but you gotta have clear boundaries. Intimate pictures 308 00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 2: crosses a boundary. But more important than what she's done, 309 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,200 Speaker 2: it's what he has said to you. That's what you 310 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:27,479 Speaker 2: got to look at and deal with. So does he 311 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,639 Speaker 2: live in your house or do you live in his house? 312 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 1: Well, I bought a house. I bought a house in 313 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,200 Speaker 1: North Carolina. So I'm in North Carolina now and he's here. 314 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:35,920 Speaker 1: It's my house. 315 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 2: So do you want somebody in your house who disrespects you? 316 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:43,920 Speaker 1: No, I don't. 317 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,200 Speaker 2: I don't, But he's there. 318 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: He's here, But you know, and I'm trying to find 319 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 1: a way. I got trying to find a way out. 320 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,000 Speaker 1: You know, I can't deal with this because it's bothering me. 321 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: It really bothers me. 322 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,359 Speaker 2: Well, let's let's not say I can't deal with it. 323 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 2: That's because that makes you powerless, and you're not powerless. 324 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 2: Let's say this is not how I choose to be 325 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 2: in relationship with somebody. You don't choose that. So what 326 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:19,399 Speaker 2: is the conversation that you can have with him to 327 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:23,880 Speaker 2: let him know this is unacceptable and what the consequence 328 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,239 Speaker 2: will be if he doesn't get it cleared up? 329 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,399 Speaker 1: What will the consequence be he would have to go 330 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,920 Speaker 1: that's the end of the relationship. 331 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 2: Okay, But what is the conversation that you could have 332 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:36,440 Speaker 2: with him? 333 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,359 Speaker 1: My conversation will be this, I just want him to 334 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 1: you know, why do you have to stay in touch 335 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,760 Speaker 1: with this lady? What is this all about? Why is 336 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,000 Speaker 1: she sending you these pictures? 337 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:45,480 Speaker 2: You know? 338 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,439 Speaker 1: He said, I'll never understand what's to understand about maked pictures? 339 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,399 Speaker 2: But why do you understand that the issue is not 340 00:19:55,520 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 2: the pictures. The issue isn't even her, Yes, he is 341 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:06,640 Speaker 2: the issue that he thinks that's okay, that he would 342 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 2: give her space to do that, and then he would 343 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 2: tell you, I don't care what you feel about it, 344 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,479 Speaker 2: you don't understand. Well, this is what I understand. I 345 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 2: can't be in relationship with the man who's receiving naked 346 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:27,360 Speaker 2: pictures from his ex. That's about him, that's not about her. Now, 347 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 2: if she will call in your house and you know, 348 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,919 Speaker 2: making a disruption, he's given her the space to do 349 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 2: what she's doing. And I get I get that you've 350 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:45,119 Speaker 2: got a four year investment in this relationship, but how 351 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,440 Speaker 2: far have they gone? Will they go? Can they go? 352 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:56,320 Speaker 2: If he is committed to this relationship with you, he 353 00:20:56,359 --> 00:21:00,199 Speaker 2: would really want to check why he would do something 354 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 2: that makes you uncomfortable. Why is she sending him naked pictures? 355 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:11,640 Speaker 2: That's not the appropriate question. The appropriate question is if 356 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 2: you are in relationship with me, how do you think 357 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:21,280 Speaker 2: it makes me feel that you are having another woman 358 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:28,879 Speaker 2: send you naked pictures? That's the appropriate question. And also 359 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,160 Speaker 2: to let him know not tok. There's no argument here 360 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,439 Speaker 2: that's unacceptable. I will not be in a relationship with 361 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:41,200 Speaker 2: a man who's intimately involved with his AX. I don't 362 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,960 Speaker 2: have a problem with you loving her, that's your heart. 363 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 2: You can do that. But this right here, m hm, 364 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 2: don't work for me. Doesn't work for me. But I 365 00:21:55,600 --> 00:22:00,640 Speaker 2: also hear your fear, hesitancy, resistance to the power stability 366 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:08,920 Speaker 2: that you may have to let him go. Mm hmm, yes, 367 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:13,959 Speaker 2: you do. Stop saying you don't know, You absolutely do know. 368 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 2: What is your fear? Hesitancy, resistance? What is it? 369 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:22,679 Speaker 1: It's not no fear, it's just put im invested in 370 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:27,680 Speaker 1: this relationship, and you know it's it's a lot. I 371 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 1: don't know. 372 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,640 Speaker 2: Let me ask you a question. Okay, now I'm gonna 373 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:35,399 Speaker 2: get all up in your business. All right, m hm. 374 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:43,679 Speaker 2: Prior to this relationship, did your partner cheat on you? No? Okay, 375 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 2: So have you not that you he passed away? Okay, yeah, 376 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:53,679 Speaker 2: m he passed away. How long between his passing and 377 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,520 Speaker 2: this relationship. 378 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,080 Speaker 1: Maybe about about seven months? Seven eight months? 379 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 2: Okay, So this is kind of like a rebound relationship. 380 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 2: He's filling the space of that previous partner. So to 381 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,160 Speaker 2: let this go, you're gonna run, You're gonna fall head 382 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,880 Speaker 2: first into that empty space that your partner, your other 383 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:20,760 Speaker 2: partner left. 384 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 1: But I mean we're together as a couple, so you 385 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,359 Speaker 1: know that's. 386 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 2: You know, you're together as a couple. But he's receiving 387 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:32,080 Speaker 2: naked pictures from another woman, and what is the consequence 388 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 2: of that? He knows, you know about the pictures. He 389 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:37,879 Speaker 2: knows you saw them, you raised it with them, So 390 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:42,439 Speaker 2: what is the consequence for him doing that? What's the consequence? 391 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:44,320 Speaker 2: So why should he stop? 392 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:46,960 Speaker 1: I mean getting that, I get an argument and stuff, 393 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,200 Speaker 1: but that's you know, well. 394 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,520 Speaker 2: What is the argument about? Tell me what the argument is? Like? 395 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,600 Speaker 1: Why should you filling your pictures? And why did you 396 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,400 Speaker 1: talking to and stuff? I thought you said you wasn't 397 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 1: calling no more than h you know, stuff like that. 398 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:02,760 Speaker 1: You know, but this has to this has to end. 399 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,960 Speaker 1: It has to be over with. I'm really tired of it, really, 400 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:06,320 Speaker 1: that's why. 401 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:06,639 Speaker 5: You know. 402 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 1: I saw your thing and I said, let me give 403 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 1: you a call and see what you What kind of 404 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:12,280 Speaker 1: advice you could give me about the situation. 405 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 2: Well would you be if she hadn't sent the pictures? 406 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,600 Speaker 2: Are you okay with them being friendly and having conversation? 407 00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:20,199 Speaker 6: No? 408 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:20,600 Speaker 2: Okay? 409 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,560 Speaker 1: If it was kids involved, yes of course, But okay, 410 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,280 Speaker 1: there's no there's no kids involved, No children involved. 411 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:33,479 Speaker 2: No kids, no property, no, no okay, nothing nothing. So 412 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:38,680 Speaker 2: make believe I'm him and tell me how this makes 413 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:39,240 Speaker 2: you feel. 414 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,639 Speaker 1: How would you feel? How would you feel if my 415 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,480 Speaker 1: if I had an ex and they were sending me 416 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 1: maket pictures of them, you know, That's what I would 417 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: ask him that question. And why you keep doing this 418 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,800 Speaker 1: to me? Why I'm not doing nothing wrong. I'm faithful, 419 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:55,680 Speaker 1: I don't do anything you know. I do everything right. 420 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,600 Speaker 1: I'm not doing anything wrong, you know. 421 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,760 Speaker 2: So let me offer you another possibility for a conversation. Okay, 422 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:11,800 Speaker 2: We've been in this relationship for four years now, and 423 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 2: our relationship is important to me. I want you to 424 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,239 Speaker 2: know that I care about you, I love you. I 425 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:23,080 Speaker 2: want you to know that I'm really really grateful for 426 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 2: what we have together and what we've built together. And 427 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,439 Speaker 2: I also want you to know that I need to 428 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 2: trust you, that I need to know you respect me, 429 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:40,199 Speaker 2: you honor me as your partner. And I have to 430 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:46,919 Speaker 2: tell you honestly, the fact that you are okay with 431 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 2: your ex sending you intimate pictures knowing that it upsets me. 432 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 2: I'm not okay with that because that says to me 433 00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 2: a that you don't honor what we have together, be 434 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:05,359 Speaker 2: that somehow she's fulfilling a need for you that I 435 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 2: don't fulfill, and see that it feels very disrespectful. So 436 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:24,080 Speaker 2: here's my request, stop it, stop it, and if it 437 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,399 Speaker 2: happens again, and if I discover that it's happening again, 438 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,399 Speaker 2: I want you to know, I'm out. It's called the 439 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 2: deal breaker. This is a deal breaker. It's disrespectful, it's dishonorable. 440 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:43,480 Speaker 2: Now you want to love her, which says to me 441 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:48,800 Speaker 2: their relationship isn't complete. If she holds a certain place 442 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,199 Speaker 2: in your heart, I can't do anything about that. But 443 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,119 Speaker 2: she can't be in the place in your heart that 444 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,680 Speaker 2: I'm in. She can't be in there not naked fully clothed, 445 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,840 Speaker 2: if she had a church hat on, she don't need 446 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:09,320 Speaker 2: to be sending you no pictures. Okay, if I discover it, 447 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:16,360 Speaker 2: if you do it again, I'm out. This is done. 448 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:20,720 Speaker 2: That's called draw your line in the sand. Draw your 449 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,960 Speaker 2: line in the sand. And if he crosses that line, 450 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 2: don't back up and draw another line. There's no reason 451 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 2: for him to stop. He's told you he don't care 452 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 2: what you think about it. He told you you don't 453 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 2: understand his intimate communications with his acts, because as a man, 454 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:46,879 Speaker 2: he has to be care full with your heart, care 455 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:52,359 Speaker 2: meaning full of care for your heart. And if this 456 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,959 Speaker 2: disturbs your heart, if it disquiets your spirit, if it 457 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:01,359 Speaker 2: gives you doubt and hesitation, about your union. That needs 458 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,119 Speaker 2: to be important to him, and it doesn't sound like 459 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:11,080 Speaker 2: it is. Personally. I would tell him I want to 460 00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:15,679 Speaker 2: talk to her, get her on the phone, and I 461 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,399 Speaker 2: would say to her, beloved, I know that you in 462 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 2: Booboo had a relationship. My understanding is that's done. Is 463 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,200 Speaker 2: that accurate? Is your relationship with him over? 464 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:27,440 Speaker 6: Oh? 465 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 2: If it is, I'm going to request that you no 466 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 2: longer send him intimate pictures. We are in a relationship, 467 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 2: and that is disrespectful. So here's the question. How much 468 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 2: are you willing to disrespect yourself in order to be 469 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:49,680 Speaker 2: with somebody else? 470 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: I am unhappy? Really, yeah, I am unhappy. You know, 471 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,720 Speaker 1: I'm not really happy with the relationship and really like 472 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: that and really into it, into it, into But now 473 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,320 Speaker 1: it's like dying. It's like kind of like behind out, 474 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:04,960 Speaker 1: you know, and I could you know because of that? 475 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:05,680 Speaker 1: You know? 476 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,880 Speaker 2: So do you want to leave him or do you 477 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 2: want to wait till he leaves you? 478 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:14,680 Speaker 1: I won't leave him. I think I'm ready. I'm ready. No, 479 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:15,640 Speaker 1: I'm really ready. 480 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:18,560 Speaker 2: And I want you to keep in mind what I said. 481 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 2: Once he's gone, you're going to fall head first into 482 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 2: the hole that your other partner left when he transitioned, 483 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:33,240 Speaker 2: when he died, Because this is really a rebound relationship. 484 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:37,320 Speaker 2: How long were you with him before you passed away? 485 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,080 Speaker 1: At about seven years. 486 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:45,120 Speaker 2: There's no way that you're with somebody for seven years. 487 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 2: They die, so there's no possibility for reconciliation. They die, 488 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,600 Speaker 2: youre is no way you're ready for a relationship in 489 00:29:55,640 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 2: seven months. So let's give thanks that this wonderful child 490 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,720 Speaker 2: of God, the partner you're with now, came in to 491 00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:11,360 Speaker 2: support you in healing and and getting over your other partner. 492 00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:15,360 Speaker 2: But now four years later, four years later, now you 493 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:20,920 Speaker 2: get to grieve. Now you get to grieve, and I 494 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:25,520 Speaker 2: want to encourage you. Don't don't fight, draw your line 495 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:29,760 Speaker 2: in the sand, make your specific request, and if he 496 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,920 Speaker 2: cannot honor that request, don't back up and draw another line. 497 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:39,000 Speaker 2: This is done. I'm out, Take your naked pictures and go, 498 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:44,560 Speaker 2: go go whatever it doesn't No, don't even don't even 499 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 2: issue that invitation. Where he goes is none of your business. 500 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,840 Speaker 2: He can go home to Mama sofa, he can go 501 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:54,280 Speaker 2: to the y MCA. Where he goes is none of 502 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:59,160 Speaker 2: your business. This is done. You got seven days to 503 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 2: be out of here. Or twenty four hours or forty 504 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:08,040 Speaker 2: eight hours or whatever. Don't argue, and then. 505 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 1: You get so much for your advice. 506 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,600 Speaker 2: Okay, my love, you take good care. 507 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 1: Okank you so much again. Bye bye, all right, and 508 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,560 Speaker 1: you have a bye bye. You have a blessed day now. 509 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 2: Thank you. Oh my heart goes out to us beyond 510 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 2: who checks the X. It's the things that we will 511 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:39,320 Speaker 2: accommodate and tolerate and entertain and engage just not to 512 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 2: be alone or to be with someone or whatever. But 513 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 2: that's an important question. How much self disrespect, self denial 514 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:59,480 Speaker 2: will you endure just to be with someone else? Oh 515 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:05,520 Speaker 2: my god, I can't even and there's nothing to argue about. 516 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:09,560 Speaker 2: This is done. I'm out. This is done. I want 517 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:12,680 Speaker 2: to talk about drawing that line in the sand. I 518 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,480 Speaker 2: want to talk about creating clear boundaries. I want to 519 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:20,880 Speaker 2: talk about how to present your case when the ex 520 00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:24,360 Speaker 2: is running a monk, or when your current partner is 521 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:28,680 Speaker 2: giving the ex permission to run a monk. We'll talk 522 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:46,720 Speaker 2: about that right after this break. Welcome back to the 523 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:51,000 Speaker 2: R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Who checks 524 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:55,280 Speaker 2: the X is our topic for today, and my last 525 00:32:55,320 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 2: caller presented a very very interesting scenario where her current 526 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:05,520 Speaker 2: partner admitted that he's still in love with his ex 527 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:10,400 Speaker 2: and told her that she wouldn't understand why the ex 528 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:14,160 Speaker 2: is sending him naked pictures. Listen, there's some things I 529 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,200 Speaker 2: don't need to understand. There are some things that are 530 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:21,880 Speaker 2: just unacceptable that I will not accommodate or tolerate, or 531 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:27,760 Speaker 2: entertain or engage in my space. And that's when you 532 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 2: draw your line in the sand. You have to have 533 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 2: a deal breaker. We did a whole show about deal breakers. 534 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:39,200 Speaker 2: You have to have a deal breaker. And whether it's 535 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:42,160 Speaker 2: the ex, the mama, the kids. You are kids, you 536 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:44,280 Speaker 2: know you have to put up with a little more. 537 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:50,680 Speaker 2: But when it's just two adults and there's something going 538 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:56,960 Speaker 2: on that violates your sense of peace and joy, something 539 00:33:57,000 --> 00:34:01,720 Speaker 2: that violates the trust of your relationship, you must draw 540 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:06,000 Speaker 2: your line in the sand, meaning this is where I 541 00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 2: draw my line, and if you cross this line, I'm 542 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,280 Speaker 2: out done. I don't care if we've been together since 543 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:17,440 Speaker 2: God visited Chicago, I'm out because without the line in 544 00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:23,040 Speaker 2: the sand, there's no consequences. And if there's no consequences, 545 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,719 Speaker 2: why should the person stop. Draw your line in the 546 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:32,600 Speaker 2: sand and if they cross it, you must enact the consequences. 547 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 2: You must know this is a deal breaker. That's why 548 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,680 Speaker 2: you got to set your deal breakers before you get 549 00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:44,319 Speaker 2: into the relationship. Who checks the X? Who checks the X? 550 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:49,600 Speaker 2: I think, and I could be wrong, that it's the 551 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:54,920 Speaker 2: ex's partner, your current partner's responsibility to check the X, 552 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,960 Speaker 2: to draw the line, to create the boundaries, just as 553 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:03,640 Speaker 2: my first callers. And when that's not done, or when 554 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:09,560 Speaker 2: the ex is reluctant, hesitant, ineffective, then how do you respond? 555 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 2: What do you do? 556 00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:14,440 Speaker 6: And that's my next. 557 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:22,120 Speaker 2: Caller, Zakiya are you there? 558 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:24,000 Speaker 5: I am here? 559 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:27,319 Speaker 2: Who checks the X? 560 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:31,360 Speaker 5: Well, you know the ex should checks the X. 561 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:34,800 Speaker 4: I think that there should be an opportunity in space 562 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,319 Speaker 4: given for. 563 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:38,239 Speaker 5: Your partner to check their X. 564 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:42,840 Speaker 4: But right around the time they don't, it's my turn 565 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:44,080 Speaker 4: I will check X. 566 00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 2: So what was your experience and what has your experience 567 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:48,359 Speaker 2: s been? 568 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:53,560 Speaker 4: Well, my previous relationship, the X just did a lot 569 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 4: of different things that I felt were inappropriate. 570 00:35:57,920 --> 00:35:59,760 Speaker 2: Oh, do tell give me the dirt. 571 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:05,799 Speaker 4: We're talking about inappropriate phone calls that had nothing to 572 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 4: do with their child. We're talking about me finding out 573 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:15,920 Speaker 4: that they were on my property doing things with their child, 574 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:20,000 Speaker 4: chopping wood, things of that nature, all of which I 575 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:23,959 Speaker 4: addressed with my partner. And there were times that he 576 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 4: said he didn't know about those things or that he 577 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:29,600 Speaker 4: would address them, but there were there were little to 578 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:34,319 Speaker 4: no changes. So when I saw that he was not 579 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:39,640 Speaker 4: addressing the challenges that were very present and obvious, at 580 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,560 Speaker 4: some point she sent her son into my house to 581 00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:48,160 Speaker 4: get her something to drink, and I shut it down. 582 00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 5: It was done. 583 00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:54,520 Speaker 2: Okay, wait a minute, you said some juicy things here 584 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:58,319 Speaker 2: that I want to clear up. Okay, you said they 585 00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:02,279 Speaker 2: were inappropriate phone calls. Do tell give me the dirt. Well, 586 00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:04,640 Speaker 2: what is an inappropriate phone call? 587 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:05,040 Speaker 3: Well? 588 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,000 Speaker 5: Where are you? What are you doing? 589 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,360 Speaker 4: Which had nothing to do with their son? You know, 590 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,080 Speaker 4: the son was here, you know, at our home, and 591 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 4: so why does she need to know where you are 592 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:23,200 Speaker 4: or what you're doing? That's inappropriate? Okay, Paul's that you know. 593 00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:26,879 Speaker 4: I do believe that you know, you have history with 594 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:31,080 Speaker 4: your ex and you know you can still love them, 595 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,319 Speaker 4: but there are boundaries that you should have if you 596 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:35,399 Speaker 4: are in a relationship. 597 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:38,160 Speaker 5: Okay, So you know, being. 598 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 4: Cordial even you know, having a friendship that allows you 599 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:46,480 Speaker 4: to present very well for your child. I believe it 600 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:51,560 Speaker 4: is necessary and healthy for the child. But when it 601 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:56,239 Speaker 4: comes down to we're just calling and having casual conversations, 602 00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:59,080 Speaker 4: I think that that's for me, is where I drawed 603 00:37:59,120 --> 00:37:59,600 Speaker 4: the line. 604 00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:02,920 Speaker 2: Now, let me ask you a question, because I raised 605 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:07,960 Speaker 2: this scenario earlier. Were you ever formally introduced to the 606 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,759 Speaker 2: ex since you all are sharing a child? 607 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:13,360 Speaker 5: Uh huh, I will say. 608 00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:17,160 Speaker 4: I will say, you know, we were well into the relationship, 609 00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:21,040 Speaker 4: you know, months in almost a year in before it 610 00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:24,759 Speaker 4: was a you know, we're picking up the sun and 611 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 4: so and so, this is so and so, and it 612 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:28,799 Speaker 4: was a high enda by so there was no conversation, 613 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,719 Speaker 4: there was you know, there was no formal introduction. 614 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:37,200 Speaker 2: No, see that. I believe that's a problem, particularly or 615 00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:41,200 Speaker 2: specifically when there are children involved. When an X goes 616 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:44,880 Speaker 2: into a new relationship and that ex, whether it's a 617 00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:50,000 Speaker 2: he or she, are co parenting with the ex, I 618 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:54,360 Speaker 2: think the partners need to be introduced so that you 619 00:38:55,120 --> 00:39:00,560 Speaker 2: and his mother can have alignment and what you're doing 620 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,280 Speaker 2: with him for the child. I just think that makes sense. 621 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:08,399 Speaker 2: Otherwise it's going to be a natural friction or a disconnect. 622 00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:09,919 Speaker 2: Does that make sense to you? 623 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,080 Speaker 5: Absolutely, especially if your child is living in my home? 624 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:21,280 Speaker 2: Ooh, okay, so inappropriate phone calls? No, inappropriate phone calls. Now, 625 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:25,040 Speaker 2: what do you do or what did you do when 626 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 2: your partner didn't check his acts? What did you do? 627 00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:29,640 Speaker 5: I checked him? 628 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:35,560 Speaker 2: Oh, tell me more, give me the dirt. 629 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,840 Speaker 4: You know, my issue is not with her. My issue 630 00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:41,440 Speaker 4: is with him because he's the one I'm. 631 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:42,200 Speaker 5: In relationship with. 632 00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:47,279 Speaker 4: However, when I did have an issue with her was 633 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:50,720 Speaker 4: when you know, I mentioned that she sent the child 634 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:53,040 Speaker 4: into the house to get her something from out of 635 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:56,440 Speaker 4: my house. That's where I drew the line, because you 636 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,839 Speaker 4: don't get to send anyone into my house to ask 637 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:03,719 Speaker 4: for anything for you. Now, you can have him come, 638 00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:07,040 Speaker 4: ask me if it's okay, and I would probably have 639 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:10,360 Speaker 4: given you a bottle of order. But you can't assume 640 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,400 Speaker 4: I'm not going to drop your son off to your 641 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,080 Speaker 4: house and tell him to go in your house and 642 00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,200 Speaker 4: get me something out of it. That's inappropriate. 643 00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:19,480 Speaker 2: Why didn't she come to the door and ask for 644 00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:20,319 Speaker 2: a glass of water? 645 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:25,120 Speaker 4: Well, because prior to that there was very minimal communication 646 00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:28,920 Speaker 4: and conversation between she and I. So more just a 647 00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:33,680 Speaker 4: high and by so there's really never been a relationship established. 648 00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:39,960 Speaker 4: So I don't know if this was a practice that 649 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:42,279 Speaker 4: she had with him prior to me coming into the 650 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,040 Speaker 4: fold of things. You know, she may have been able 651 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,080 Speaker 4: to send her son into his house to get something, 652 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:50,719 Speaker 4: you know, And so I don't want to make up 653 00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:53,120 Speaker 4: what that was for her, but for me, she needed 654 00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:54,239 Speaker 4: to know it was inappropriate. 655 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:58,000 Speaker 2: Uh. Yeah, And again I'm going back to my premise 656 00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:02,760 Speaker 2: that it's important for the new partner and the ex 657 00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:10,359 Speaker 2: to have connection, specifically when there are children involved. When 658 00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,759 Speaker 2: there are children involved, absolutely you've got to have an 659 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:17,040 Speaker 2: alliance because if the child is living in the house 660 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:22,400 Speaker 2: with the new partner, then the non custodial parent needs 661 00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:24,920 Speaker 2: to be in communication. You don't have to get your 662 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,359 Speaker 2: nails done together or go to the barbershop together, but 663 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:32,680 Speaker 2: there needs to be an alliance between the non custodial 664 00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:37,680 Speaker 2: parent and the custodial parents new partner. Otherwise how do 665 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:39,680 Speaker 2: you communicate about the child? 666 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:41,279 Speaker 3: You know? 667 00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,040 Speaker 4: You will also find and I can't say that this 668 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:47,120 Speaker 4: was the case in my relationship, but I have seen 669 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:51,440 Speaker 4: it where you know, people aren't complete with the X. 670 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,600 Speaker 5: Yes, and so where I have. 671 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:58,960 Speaker 4: Seen in other instances, you know, people will say things 672 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:02,440 Speaker 4: to the current partner to keep them away from the 673 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,960 Speaker 4: X so that they can play their little game, you know. 674 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:09,359 Speaker 4: And so I've seen a lot of that, and that 675 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:14,440 Speaker 4: really creates a lot of problems and relationships because there 676 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,480 Speaker 4: are inappropriate things that are being said to the X, 677 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:21,440 Speaker 4: which then in turn gives the X space and permission 678 00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,920 Speaker 4: to disrespect the current partner. 679 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:32,520 Speaker 2: Bad behavior, bad behavior. Do not gossip about your current 680 00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:37,839 Speaker 2: partner with your ex. Do not do that, because that 681 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:43,760 Speaker 2: creates an alliance between the two exes against the current 682 00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:47,600 Speaker 2: partner that is bound to end up in a mess. 683 00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,960 Speaker 2: It's bound. So when the day came that you had 684 00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:53,879 Speaker 2: to check her, what you do? 685 00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:55,400 Speaker 1: Well? 686 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:59,280 Speaker 5: You know the scenario when. 687 00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:04,320 Speaker 4: With the son calling her and telling her I told 688 00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:08,600 Speaker 4: her no, him no, that he could not provide the water. 689 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,880 Speaker 4: And then she thought she was gonna call and check me. 690 00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:18,840 Speaker 2: Oh oh, oh, oh, checkmate. What happened. 691 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:24,440 Speaker 4: Her initial conversation was, if you have something to say 692 00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:27,799 Speaker 4: to my son about me, you need to say it 693 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:32,960 Speaker 4: to me. And my response to her is that what 694 00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:35,400 Speaker 4: I said to your son I would say to anyone, 695 00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:38,600 Speaker 4: because he can't come into this house take something out 696 00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:41,160 Speaker 4: of it to give to anyone without having a conversation 697 00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:43,879 Speaker 4: with me and his father, So whether it was you 698 00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:46,640 Speaker 4: or someone else, he would have got the same conversation. 699 00:43:48,719 --> 00:43:50,960 Speaker 4: And so of course it turned into a lot of 700 00:43:52,719 --> 00:43:55,120 Speaker 4: her What she said to me was that she had 701 00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:59,480 Speaker 4: been gracious enough with me, So that's where the checking 702 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:03,040 Speaker 4: started me and so I just kind of ran down 703 00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:07,799 Speaker 4: all of the inappropriateness of her behavior and some of 704 00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:08,320 Speaker 4: the things. 705 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:14,200 Speaker 5: She went on to explain that my partner knew about that. 706 00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:17,280 Speaker 5: He told me he didn't know about some of the things. 707 00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:21,040 Speaker 4: She didn't see how or where they were problematic. 708 00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:22,160 Speaker 5: So I was able. 709 00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:26,120 Speaker 4: To express and explain how they were for me and 710 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:30,200 Speaker 4: inappropriate for me, and you know, in this particular case, 711 00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:34,879 Speaker 4: by the end of the conversation she was apologizing, so 712 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:38,000 Speaker 4: it you know, it turned out to where, you know, 713 00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:41,160 Speaker 4: we are cordial. I'm not interested in being her friend, 714 00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:43,200 Speaker 4: and I don't think she's interested in being mine. But 715 00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:46,240 Speaker 4: as long as there's an understanding and a respect level there, 716 00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:47,279 Speaker 4: I'm fine. 717 00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:52,960 Speaker 2: With that, all right. So, if I'm hearing you correctly, 718 00:44:53,640 --> 00:44:59,760 Speaker 2: your belief experienced position stance is that it's the extras 719 00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:04,320 Speaker 2: responsibility to check the ex However, when that doesn't happen, 720 00:45:04,719 --> 00:45:07,400 Speaker 2: if you have to take matters into your own hands, 721 00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:13,600 Speaker 2: stay clear and specific about your line in the sand. 722 00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:14,759 Speaker 5: Absolutely. 723 00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:18,200 Speaker 2: Okay, well that makes a lot of sense to me. 724 00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,799 Speaker 4: Because I'm because here's the thing, I'm not fighting for 725 00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,440 Speaker 4: the man. Okay, you need to respect me, and you 726 00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:26,480 Speaker 4: need to respect my role in your child's life. 727 00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:34,640 Speaker 2: Okay, important, very important. Respect me. Respect my role in 728 00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:40,080 Speaker 2: your child's life because the child lives in my house. Yes, okay, interesting, 729 00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:48,080 Speaker 2: all right, well I thank you for sharing that. So listen, 730 00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:54,839 Speaker 2: this is what I'm getting about who responsibility it is 731 00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:59,600 Speaker 2: to check the X. I hear overwhelmingly that is the 732 00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:05,560 Speaker 2: ex responsibility to check the X. By creating clear boundaries, 733 00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:13,160 Speaker 2: I'm also inviting you to consider, when there's an X involved, 734 00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:17,440 Speaker 2: what are your deal breakers? What are your deal breakers? 735 00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:20,640 Speaker 2: Because sometimes the X may not check the X, or 736 00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:24,440 Speaker 2: sometimes the X the other the outside party is just 737 00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:28,239 Speaker 2: engaging in bad behavior. You've got to know what your 738 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:33,280 Speaker 2: deal breakers are, and that deal breaker will break the relationship. 739 00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,120 Speaker 2: You've gotta know that. You've gotta be clear about that. 740 00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:40,080 Speaker 2: You've gotta understand it. If your husband brings home a 741 00:46:40,120 --> 00:46:43,600 Speaker 2: baby from an outside relationship, is that a deal breaker? 742 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:49,720 Speaker 2: If your wife relies upon her ex or your current 743 00:46:49,760 --> 00:46:53,800 Speaker 2: partner relies upon her X to fix things around the house, 744 00:46:54,239 --> 00:46:58,040 Speaker 2: which brings that X into your house when you're not there. 745 00:46:58,160 --> 00:47:00,680 Speaker 2: Is that a deal breaker? What are your deal breakers? 746 00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:04,920 Speaker 2: You gotta have deal breakers as it relates to the X. Also, 747 00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:08,520 Speaker 2: what is your line in the sand that you draw 748 00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:11,799 Speaker 2: for your current partner as it relates not only to 749 00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:15,239 Speaker 2: the X, to everything. But right now we're talking about exes. 750 00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:18,120 Speaker 2: What is your line in the sand. If you cross 751 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:23,440 Speaker 2: this line, boo, I'm done with you. But sometimes we're 752 00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:26,640 Speaker 2: so afraid to let go of what we don't want 753 00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:30,399 Speaker 2: that will hold on to it. So the EX checks 754 00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:33,640 Speaker 2: the X. You gotta have clear boundaries. Got to know 755 00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:36,520 Speaker 2: your deal breakers. You gotta be willing to draw your 756 00:47:36,560 --> 00:47:39,800 Speaker 2: line in the sand. And this one, my pet peeve. 757 00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:44,239 Speaker 2: If you've got an X and there are children involved, 758 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:49,439 Speaker 2: it is imperative for you to make a formal introduction 759 00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:54,560 Speaker 2: between your ex and your current partner so that the 760 00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:59,319 Speaker 2: alliance is there for the sake of the children. I 761 00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:03,560 Speaker 2: hope you've heard something today that you can use, something 762 00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:07,920 Speaker 2: that you can apply should this situation apply to you. 763 00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:13,960 Speaker 2: We all just want to be happy, want to be peaceful, 764 00:48:14,400 --> 00:48:19,399 Speaker 2: want our relationships to work, and sometimes it means you've 765 00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:24,400 Speaker 2: got to make really, really hard decisions. But always speak 766 00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:29,560 Speaker 2: your heart, speak your truth, ask for what you want. 767 00:48:30,239 --> 00:48:33,919 Speaker 2: Thank you for tuning in, for listening, and I'll see 768 00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:37,279 Speaker 2: you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and 769 00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:38,280 Speaker 2: not in pieces. 770 00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:54,360 Speaker 6: Bye. 771 00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:59,560 Speaker 2: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 772 00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:04,640 Speaker 2: partner ship with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, 773 00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:09,560 Speaker 2: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen 774 00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:11,359 Speaker 2: to your favorite shows.