Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now every rust.
Speaker 1: Get your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right
Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go
Speaker 1: listen to see I buy. I can legitimately say fatherhood
Speaker 1: made me away better husband dead as agree with that.
Speaker 1: And if you told me that I was going to
Speaker 1: have a whole baby in a blow up pool in
Speaker 1: our bedroom, out to tell you hell no, but you
Speaker 1: did it. I did it. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellis. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and eating each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need derby most days.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we
Speaker 1: say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
Speaker 1: but the truth. We're about to take philow Talk to
Speaker 1: a whole new levels starts now. I remember one time
Speaker 1: in particular, I was taking Jackson to school, and this
Speaker 1: was when you and I were having an argument in
Speaker 1: the morning, and me and Jackson, that's our time in
Speaker 1: the morning, the two of us, we have our handshake
Speaker 1: where we don't even listen to the radio so much.
Speaker 1: We just talked and I prepare him right, and he
Speaker 1: was getting ready for first grade, you know. So we're
Speaker 1: on our way to school, and we had done this.
Speaker 1: It was probably about in November, so we had had
Speaker 1: our routine already, and we're on our way to school
Speaker 1: and there's no music playing, and it's just quiet because
Speaker 1: you and I was arguing that morning and I didn't
Speaker 1: feel like talking to nobody. I was just trying to
Speaker 1: regroup from the argument we had. And Jackson is just quiet,
Speaker 1: and he normally asked a munch of questions, but I
Speaker 1: could tell he was quiet. He could sense that something
Speaker 1: was happening. He heard us debating, and typically We tried
Speaker 1: to not argue in front of the children, but this
Speaker 1: was one of those moments where it's like he had
Speaker 1: to get to school. We were in transit, like I
Speaker 1: was getting him ready, you were trying get him out
Speaker 1: the door. So he overheard, of course, what we were
Speaker 1: arguing about. So for me, I was like, let me
Speaker 1: just focus on getting him to school so that I
Speaker 1: can come back and we can finish discussing what we
Speaker 1: were talking about. So we get to school and we
Speaker 1: were a little bit late because you and I were arguing,
Speaker 1: so we didn't get a chance to do our handshake.
Speaker 1: And he pulled. We pull up and Jack's like, hey, Dad,
Speaker 1: we got doing hands and I'm like, yo, you gotta
Speaker 1: get out. You gotta go to school. So that he
Speaker 1: just looked at me. Then he jumped out, went and
Speaker 1: got to school right, and I envy you guys handshake.
Speaker 1: It's really cute. We got out, We got our handshake.
Speaker 1: They have a whole routine. So he gets our goals
Speaker 1: to school. Now you and I talk, everything is over.
Speaker 1: We don't you know, everything is fine. We're not even
Speaker 1: more focused on it. And I always picked Jackson up
Speaker 1: from school. So this day, same day, I go to school,
Speaker 1: I go to pick Jackson up, and he normally runs
Speaker 1: out full speed, comes and jumps in my arm. And
Speaker 1: today the door opens and he's one of the last
Speaker 1: to come out, and he just walks out, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: what's up, Bro's what's the matter? How was school? And
Speaker 1: he looked at me and he said, Daddy, are you
Speaker 1: still mad at me? No? And at that point all
Speaker 1: I could think was wow, how like? How did I like?
Speaker 1: I must be the worst person in the world. You
Speaker 1: only have one job as a parent, and that's to
Speaker 1: make sure that your children are prepared to be as
Speaker 1: successful and productive as they can be. So, you know,
Speaker 1: his little self was definitely at school all all day.
Speaker 1: And that's Jackson's personality in general, Like he's such a
Speaker 1: like caring sensitive kids. So I know he was at
Speaker 1: school thinking all day Daddy is probably mad at me?
Speaker 1: And I was so I was so hurt because I
Speaker 1: was like, yo, it really had nothing to do with
Speaker 1: him at all. But he spent all day in school,
Speaker 1: six seven hours thinking what did I do to make
Speaker 1: Daddy mad at me? Know? And it had nothing to
Speaker 1: do with him. And it was at that point that
Speaker 1: I realized that I have to change the way I
Speaker 1: project what I'm going through on the people around me.
Speaker 1: Somebody's sleeping and a baby our bit, somebody's taking my place,
Speaker 1: a baby mad maybe he's even in my bad Oh
Speaker 1: my god. And you know I got just what mad Man. Babies.
Speaker 1: We got baby sleeping and babies everywhere. We got this
Speaker 1: baby is everywhere and feet in the face, sleeping, cross
Speaker 1: way sideways. We call our kids kung Fu pandas because
Speaker 1: they literally like sleep like they're doing karate. First of all,
Speaker 1: shout out to True Hill, because I don't think you
Speaker 1: knew when you were making that song. You was making
Speaker 1: that song about our life as Millennia, parents, parents, kids
Speaker 1: all in the damn bed right, and today we're talking
Speaker 1: about kids. Did kids change us? For better or for worse?
Speaker 1: So so give me a way you think that the
Speaker 1: kids have changed your life like or our lives? It
Speaker 1: can be either. Um. One thing that I definitely know
Speaker 1: for sure, especially with my three boys, that they've taught
Speaker 1: me how to be careful of what I project. Because
Speaker 1: when you're when you're dating someone, they're an adult and
Speaker 1: you you know, you're like, oh, she's a grown up.
Speaker 1: I'm a grown up she can handle it. Blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. When you have children, they literally learned
Speaker 1: everything in their life by watching you. So I've become
Speaker 1: very careful of the energies I projected in the household
Speaker 1: as soon as I walk in. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: what's going on in your day or your world or
Speaker 1: with us? Absolutely, I've learned that when I walk in
Speaker 1: the house, I am not going to bring the outside
Speaker 1: world into my home because my kids have nothing to
Speaker 1: do with the outside world. So no matter how upset
Speaker 1: I am about my gym, my agent, my manager, my family,
Speaker 1: whatever else going on side, when I come in the house,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a smile on my face and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna let the children receive me and with
Speaker 1: that energy. Because that energy that I bring in the house,
Speaker 1: and I learned this that carries from day to day.
Speaker 1: When I used to walk in and I have a
Speaker 1: bad day, I noticed the kids would be very quiet. Mum,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. They wouldn't be around. I
Speaker 1: would hear whispers in the kitchen Daddy was Mommy was
Speaker 1: wrong with daddy? And I'm just like, nothing is wrong
Speaker 1: with me. I had a bad day, like, why can't
Speaker 1: people just come around and you're like you. I realized
Speaker 1: early that my energy is really what starts the house,
Speaker 1: is energy as the father. So I have to kind
Speaker 1: of remove that before I walk in and come in
Speaker 1: with a clear conscience and let the energy be what
Speaker 1: it is. Yeah, which is so hard to do sometimes
Speaker 1: because you're human and it's hard. Sometimes you have to
Speaker 1: be able to turn that switch on you. It's really hard. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Something that comes to mind for me
Speaker 1: when I think about how the kids have changed me, Um,
Speaker 1: doing what we do, you know, being on social media,
Speaker 1: having to produce content at this point, Um, being content creators.
Speaker 1: I have to remember to live and be present in
Speaker 1: the moment more. I had an example for an example.
Speaker 1: We had this instant one time where Jackson had come
Speaker 1: home from school and he was telling me a story
Speaker 1: about something that had happened, and I really was not
Speaker 1: listening to him, to be honest, Like he was talking
Speaker 1: and I was kind of like, yeah, yeah, okay, buddy,
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, okay, buddy, And he had asked me a
Speaker 1: question in the midst of telling the story, and I
Speaker 1: was like, would you say, buddy, and he's like, my, Mommy,
Speaker 1: I told you the whole story. And I was just like, okay,
Speaker 1: tell me the story again. And then he tells me
Speaker 1: the story and then he tells me the story again,
Speaker 1: and I still wasn't listening to him. What were you doing.
Speaker 1: I was probably in the middle of having to post something,
Speaker 1: and you know, I was doing something answering an email.
Speaker 1: And at that moment he was like, forget it, mom,
Speaker 1: You're not even listening to me, and he walked away
Speaker 1: like instant race car cry. I was so sad. I
Speaker 1: was like, what am I doing? You do that to
Speaker 1: me all the time. And when I tell you that
Speaker 1: you don't ever care, that's not true. That is true.
Speaker 1: But that's that's a good way that the kids have
Speaker 1: changed you. That's a good way you learned to listen. Uh.
Speaker 1: You know, any times I told you stuff and that
Speaker 1: after you' never say that. They never say that you
Speaker 1: don't keeping receipts with you because I would tell I'm
Speaker 1: keeping I would tell you some time, and I was like,
Speaker 1: you never told me that case. You never told me
Speaker 1: that case. The same way you don't check our calendar.
Speaker 1: What was the sinking a calendar if you're not gonna
Speaker 1: look at the calendar. I gotta think at the calendar
Speaker 1: when I can ask you what I gotta do. I
Speaker 1: got to watch stuff to remember. You're so annoying anyway.
Speaker 1: I felt so badly in that moment. I was like,
Speaker 1: I was not even listening to this baby because why
Speaker 1: we were all just consumed with my phone or something
Speaker 1: that probably could have waited while he told me the
Speaker 1: five minute story that he had to tell me, well
Speaker 1: maybe like six or seven, because he'd be taking so
Speaker 1: long to get these stories out. Sometimes I'm like, Jackson,
Speaker 1: you tell stories just like my brother in law Brian,
Speaker 1: the worst storyteller ever in life. Um, but yeah, so
Speaker 1: that had me thinking like, yo, I need to be
Speaker 1: way more present in the household, present in the moment.
Speaker 1: That's why sometimes too, you'll be like, oh, I posted
Speaker 1: the video, did you see, And I'm like, no, I
Speaker 1: didn't see, because I'm literally trying to live in the
Speaker 1: moment with the kids, and I want to enjoy those
Speaker 1: moments because they grow so fast. Like people say it
Speaker 1: all the time and it just sounds like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: kids grow fast. No, they legitimately grow fast, And I
Speaker 1: want to be more involved and more invested in those
Speaker 1: moments and take the time, which we've consciously done now
Speaker 1: even doing social media work where okay, we'll record for
Speaker 1: a couple of minutes and then we'll put the phones away,
Speaker 1: just to make sure that the kids are not going
Speaker 1: to be, you know, feeling like the camera's always in
Speaker 1: their face, for example, or that we're just not listening
Speaker 1: to them and what they need. Um. So yeah, that's
Speaker 1: one thing that I definitely had taken away from my
Speaker 1: experiences so far, even with Jackson and the kids, is
Speaker 1: just really enjoying that time with them. Well, one thing,
Speaker 1: I'll say, the way the kids have changed my life.
Speaker 1: Number two, Yes, I have another one. The way the
Speaker 1: kids have changed my life. Man Um, they have taught
Speaker 1: me how to accept sex whichever way I can get it,
Speaker 1: however way I can. You know what's funny, I was
Speaker 1: thinking that I thought about the pantry. I'm even talking.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the other day with Cairo, when I'm
Speaker 1: trying to get the quickie and it's the middle of
Speaker 1: a day, me and k haven't done it in a minute.
Speaker 1: It's the middle of a day, and dude just keep
Speaker 1: coming in the bedroom. So I'm giving him stuff to
Speaker 1: give to Jackson, and I'm like, hey, give us, give
Speaker 1: us to your brother right now, and stay in the
Speaker 1: living room. Do not come back going to live room
Speaker 1: right now. So then I give him something and I'm
Speaker 1: starting to get into my groove. I'm getting into my
Speaker 1: grooving and boom, I'm like, hey, didn't I tell you
Speaker 1: to give didn't He's like, I gave it already. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, here you see you see this? Give
Speaker 1: the remote. Count, go to your brother and count and
Speaker 1: then I hear him. I hear him going there, and
Speaker 1: he's in there and he's just like one, two, and
Speaker 1: then Jackson's just like what are you doing? He's like
Speaker 1: Daddy said, Count, and then Jackson's like they're probably doing things.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, we gotta hurry up because if
Speaker 1: Jackson realized what we're doing, when she's about to bust
Speaker 1: on this motherfucker like now this door and be like, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm going to best spy and I'm getting y'all the
Speaker 1: TV because y'all aboard. Let hurry up there, hurry up.
Speaker 1: There're like fine, fine, fine, let's let's go, let's go.
Speaker 1: And the thing is we can't even concentrate. We can't concentrate.
Speaker 1: I got one parent leg off, one parent leg going,
Speaker 1: I got the blanket wrapped around half my thigh and
Speaker 1: like I'm doing it, and I'm standing right at the
Speaker 1: door the whole time, like I'm just doing it and
Speaker 1: standing at the door. That just goes to show how
Speaker 1: the male and female body is different. Because I can't
Speaker 1: even function and concentrate, but he can still do this
Speaker 1: with all the other things. I'm a pro, all right,
Speaker 1: But that's that's the kids have changed me to be like,
Speaker 1: you know what, if it's going to take this uh
Speaker 1: to two minutes quickly to get this in, IM gonna
Speaker 1: have to do it because shit, if somebody else walking
Speaker 1: this room. Oh number two for your business, um number two.
Speaker 1: With how the children if they've really made me hold
Speaker 1: myself way more accountable when it comes to getting stuff done,
Speaker 1: because I think I told you before, I am such
Speaker 1: a procrastinator. I'll be waiting till the last minute to
Speaker 1: do a lot of things all the time. Though I
Speaker 1: will say, like I said, my best work is one
Speaker 1: it's you know, last minute, But no, with kids, it's
Speaker 1: it's totally different because you know they will call you
Speaker 1: when your ship like you said X Y Z, and
Speaker 1: I'd be like, damn, I did say that, you know.
Speaker 1: So making sure that I am getting things done and
Speaker 1: I'm cognizant of what I say and I am holding
Speaker 1: myself accountable when Jackson will hold me accountable to and
Speaker 1: be like, girl, you have to get it done. Um.
Speaker 1: And that makes me more efficient And I think this
Speaker 1: as a person in general, and it forces me to
Speaker 1: kind of stay on track with things and get things
Speaker 1: done more efficiently. So Um, that's definitely another way that
Speaker 1: parenthood had helped me because honestly, there everything is depending
Speaker 1: on us. So if I can't, you know, get my
Speaker 1: stuff together, then what exactly are we doing here? So
Speaker 1: the last and final way that my children have changed
Speaker 1: me for the better, my children have showed me how
Speaker 1: much I've forgotten throughout life that I need to know.
Speaker 1: For example, common core mathematics. Sit down with a second
Speaker 1: grade and try to do that homework. Sit down with
Speaker 1: him and try to do his homework. You're gonna be
Speaker 1: You're gonna be wane to slap the ship out of
Speaker 1: his teacher. And you're gonna be like why what, Like
Speaker 1: why don't I know this? Like? Oh, perfect example, Jackson
Speaker 1: asked me the other day. He comes to me very studious,
Speaker 1: I'm daddy, we don't have a globe in the house.
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, no, we don't. He's like, why
Speaker 1: don't we have a globe. I'm like, I don't know, Jackson,
Speaker 1: where you plan on going? All right? You go to
Speaker 1: school and you come home. What you need to go
Speaker 1: for it? He's like, well, my homework says I need
Speaker 1: to know where the primary ridian is. Where's the primary ridian?
Speaker 1: I'm like, shit, I had to know this. No, this
Speaker 1: is why you don't help No, this is why you
Speaker 1: don't help him. With no, I feel a certain kind
Speaker 1: of stuf. It's the mind that divides the globe in
Speaker 1: half something. So you have the equator and then you
Speaker 1: have the primary readian. And the only reason why I
Speaker 1: know this is because I slowly on the side google
Speaker 1: that ship while I was deflecting him from asking for
Speaker 1: expecting the answer right away, and I was like, you
Speaker 1: know what it's It's sad. You was in school all day,
Speaker 1: right and you don't know what the primar ridian is.
Speaker 1: So he was just like what I said, you know
Speaker 1: what you do? I need you to go over there
Speaker 1: right now and think about what the prime. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: give you thirty seconds. And then on my right hand,
Speaker 1: I'm like over here, like where is the prime meridian?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, go over there for thirty seconds to
Speaker 1: think about where the primar Readian is? So did He
Speaker 1: looked confused and he turned around. He's like the primary PM.
Speaker 1: So then I saw it, not googled it, and it's
Speaker 1: right off the tip of Africa and the crosses right
Speaker 1: by the equator, right underneath the little cup of Africa.
Speaker 1: And then when he came back, he was like, you
Speaker 1: know what it's sad. I was like, you know what
Speaker 1: it's said, Jackson, you don't know that the primarridian and
Speaker 1: the equator cross right by Africa because you're black and
Speaker 1: you part of African. Know your roots. That's what I
Speaker 1: told you, know your roots. Go, finish your homework, go
Speaker 1: and you better be paying attention to school and stop
Speaker 1: listening to these kids talking about why they ain't no
Speaker 1: Santa Claus. I flipped that whole ship. That's what you
Speaker 1: do as a parent. I flipped that whole ship. And
Speaker 1: now he's like, my dad, Mads smart, he knew all that,
Speaker 1: and he knew that Santa Claus. Is you lucky I
Speaker 1: wasn't there, because I'd be like, let's plan a family
Speaker 1: trip to the Prime Meridian. Where's that at. I'm always
Speaker 1: looking for a v K. Give me all the things.
Speaker 1: It's in the middle of the ocean. It's in the
Speaker 1: middle of the see. Yeah, all right, So we're gonna
Speaker 1: get in the yacht off the coast. It's going to
Speaker 1: cost me money, and we're going to be right or
Speaker 1: on the Primary Meridian whatever. I mean, the closer to
Speaker 1: the equator I am, the better. My tan is so
Speaker 1: gosh so and I think lastly, my children have shown
Speaker 1: me that I have a strength that I did not
Speaker 1: know I had. If anybody told me that I was
Speaker 1: gonna get a midwife have a baby in my house,
Speaker 1: that you were gonna help me flip the baby in utero,
Speaker 1: because remember at one points facing the wrong way, and
Speaker 1: my midwife was like, listen, I'm gonna give you all
Speaker 1: some exercises to do, and this baby is gonna flip
Speaker 1: by the grace of God. And he sure did. Like
Speaker 1: like she said, she knew my body down to a t,
Speaker 1: which was amazing. And I had this baby at home
Speaker 1: in our back in a pool in our room with
Speaker 1: our family and friends around. You were able to document it.
Speaker 1: Had you told me that before, I would have been
Speaker 1: like hell to the all um. But you find a
Speaker 1: strength that you thought you like, you never would have
Speaker 1: imagined when you have children, and you continue to remind
Speaker 1: yourself about the badass that you were when you have
Speaker 1: those kids to then say, you know what, I can
Speaker 1: do almost anything as a mom, as a woman, as
Speaker 1: a wife, anything talk about I don't even got nothing
Speaker 1: to say about that. That's the truth. I've seen you
Speaker 1: do some some things in the last ten years as
Speaker 1: a as a husband, and I'm just proud of you.
Speaker 1: I feel like my children changed me for the better.
Speaker 1: They changed me for because you know why, because children
Speaker 1: are unapologetically they are as raw as they come. They
Speaker 1: are super honest, They're a little sponges. They pick up everything,
Speaker 1: they pick up germs, and they say everything how they're feeling.
Speaker 1: They say. I think there's a lot to learn from
Speaker 1: kids in that circumstance, like communicating effectively. Absolutely absolutely so.
Speaker 1: Tell me when I first told you about Jackson being
Speaker 1: pregnant with Jackson rather because we had just gotten married,
Speaker 1: we were on our honeymoon in Jamaica and came back
Speaker 1: as three. What went through your head when I was like, Hey,
Speaker 1: we're about to be parents. Hope it's a boy. That's
Speaker 1: the first thing that came to my mind. And I
Speaker 1: hope it's a boy. I just want someone to pass
Speaker 1: off the Ella's name too. I want somebody that that
Speaker 1: can I can just do all the things that I
Speaker 1: wanted to do as a as a young kid and
Speaker 1: a man. I wanted to be able to just pass
Speaker 1: it on to him. So that was my first thing.
Speaker 1: Is I hope it's a boy. I thought the opposite.
Speaker 1: I was like, I want this baby to be healthy.
Speaker 1: Please Lord, I thank you for this blessing, and I
Speaker 1: need this baby to be healthy, because it's different as
Speaker 1: a woman carrying a child, you don't want your body
Speaker 1: to do anything but nurture and and grow this baby
Speaker 1: to be a healthy human being. Girl a boy. So
Speaker 1: when people say, oh, you want a girl a boy,
Speaker 1: Oh I want a healthy baby, it's not cliche at all. No,
Speaker 1: it's not. It is legitimate, like you are just hoping
Speaker 1: to do every single right thing because you feel like
Speaker 1: from that moment of conception, you want to do every
Speaker 1: single thing in your power change or that you're doing
Speaker 1: every single thing right. Every doctor child, every doctor's trip
Speaker 1: was like, let's you know, let's make sure if he's
Speaker 1: going to remember. One of the first doctor trips to
Speaker 1: Solograham was like, well, his foot seems to be a
Speaker 1: little off, may have a clubbed foot. Yeah, this is
Speaker 1: our five month anatomy, right, And then he showed and
Speaker 1: it was severely clubbed. And you know, my first thing
Speaker 1: is a dad and this is full transparency. As a dad,
Speaker 1: you like, I want my son to be a beast athlete.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm an athlete and retired NFL athlete. My
Speaker 1: son has to be an athlete. He has to be big, strong, fast,
Speaker 1: he has to be able to compete. So now you
Speaker 1: find out that he may be born with what maybe
Speaker 1: a disability depending on the severity of the club foot.
Speaker 1: The first thing is like, man like, all right, well,
Speaker 1: you know we're gonna have to you know, we're gonna
Speaker 1: have to get through this. We're gonna find a way.
Speaker 1: I asked the doctor immediately, like you know, what what
Speaker 1: does that mean? Right? And and me I begin to
Speaker 1: backtrack and I'm just like what did I do cause
Speaker 1: my baby don't have a club, like, did I sleep wrong?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Did I not take my
Speaker 1: prenatals as early as I thought I should? So so many?
Speaker 1: Did you the baby? One time? She thought she boiled
Speaker 1: the baby. She got in the bathtub. This is when
Speaker 1: I was pregnant with Cairo, y'all. I thought that. You know,
Speaker 1: I took a bath because my body just felt so achy.
Speaker 1: I was maybe four or five months pregnant, and I
Speaker 1: normally take a really hot bath or a really hot shower.
Speaker 1: So I got into the tub and I'm relaxing in
Speaker 1: the towel for maybe like about ten fifteen minutes. The
Speaker 1: water was super hot. I got out. My stomach felt
Speaker 1: a little weird. So I'm in the bedroom and trying
Speaker 1: to hold it together because now the ass jumped on Google,
Speaker 1: which I was about to say, she does what everybody does.
Speaker 1: Something happens. I'm doing all sorts of ship when they
Speaker 1: tell you, oh you have this is that wrong? Oh
Speaker 1: you know you're probably got everything. You're probably gonna die. Yes,
Speaker 1: she thinks she's gonna die. That's what she thought. So
Speaker 1: I'm in the bed after Google and Deval comes home
Speaker 1: from work and he walks into the bedroom and he's like,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you can instantly tell something. What's wrong with
Speaker 1: you holding your stomach naked? She just naked on the
Speaker 1: beholding the stomach with the ship face on. Yeah, like
Speaker 1: what happened? And I was like, I think I boiled
Speaker 1: the baby. I'm like what She's like, Oh, I took
Speaker 1: a bath and I went online and too hot. I
Speaker 1: literally like proceeded to get a thermometer and like put
Speaker 1: it in the bathwater to see what temperature was that
Speaker 1: all sorts of crazy ships happening. This is how crazy
Speaker 1: she got. She refilled the bathtub with what she assumed
Speaker 1: was the temperature she first sat in, so that in
Speaker 1: itself was just not accurate. Let me just refill the bathtub.
Speaker 1: She got a thermometer, put the thermometer in the water.
Speaker 1: I was taking my body temperature. I was like, we're
Speaker 1: just gonna cool off, but the baby doesn't know how
Speaker 1: to cool off. It was all sorts of stuff. I'm
Speaker 1: being my normal self and I'm like, you're right, you
Speaker 1: need to put some ice cubes up there. She's like
Speaker 1: shut up, and I'm like, well, you made to relax,
Speaker 1: And of course, you know, I paid my doctor and
Speaker 1: she is like, no, Kady, I think you'll be fine.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, She's like you were in a
Speaker 1: jacuzzi tub for a long period of times. I'm like,
Speaker 1: all right, fine. But that just goes to say, when
Speaker 1: you're pregnant for the first time, there's so many different
Speaker 1: variables second time, right, or any pregnancy. Let's put that
Speaker 1: out there. Um, but you know, planning to have children
Speaker 1: was intentional for each child. Jackson was definitely intentional. I
Speaker 1: mean at that point we had been dating and we
Speaker 1: were married, Um, so we knew on the honeymoon we
Speaker 1: wanted to try and sometimes it happens quickly for couples,
Speaker 1: sometimes it doesn't. So we were kind of like, all right, well,
Speaker 1: let's just get off our control and see what happens.
Speaker 1: And just like that happened boom, and we were pregnant
Speaker 1: with Jackson. Should just keep shooting, you know what I'm saying, Curry,
Speaker 1: I'm out of hand, just raining buckets buckets. Switch Kiro
Speaker 1: was actually planned as well, but the difference between the
Speaker 1: two was that Kyra wasn't happening as fast. So I
Speaker 1: you know, being a woman, you understand your body. You know,
Speaker 1: you kind of have that gut feeling when something is
Speaker 1: not right. And I had gotten my i U D
Speaker 1: taken out and I was like, all right, we're gonna
Speaker 1: try for this second baby. Um. And you know, we
Speaker 1: were trying for a couple of months and nothing was happening.
Speaker 1: So seeing as though Jackson happened so quickly, I was like, well,
Speaker 1: something is going wrong. Why it's not that big a deal.
Speaker 1: Let's just keep trying. Yeah, Because for devel I was
Speaker 1: just like, we're just gonna keep having more sex and
Speaker 1: that just all that means. And I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I legitimately feel like something is wrong here. Um. So,
Speaker 1: unbeknownst to Develo, I called my doctor and I was like, girl,
Speaker 1: here's the full one. One. We've been trying since May
Speaker 1: I think at that point, and it was November, and
Speaker 1: I was like, nothing's happening, and she's like, well, let's
Speaker 1: just do some investigation. Will start the first round of
Speaker 1: what happens when someone suspects that they're not fertile anymore.
Speaker 1: So I went in for an exam, calling hCG. And
Speaker 1: that's when they pretty much lay down your awake. During
Speaker 1: the procedure, you have an X ray machine over your
Speaker 1: uterus and they pump die into you. So once the
Speaker 1: die goes in, it kind of illuminates on the screen
Speaker 1: so you can see how the diet is flowing, and
Speaker 1: it checks for any blockage, scar tissues, things like that.
Speaker 1: And I'm loosely telling you, guys. I'm no a co professional,
Speaker 1: but I'm loosely telling you my understanding of what it
Speaker 1: was and what I experienced. So we can see the
Speaker 1: die going through, and it gets through to my fallopian
Speaker 1: tubes and one tube it was slowly kind of trickling through.
Speaker 1: I think it was on the right side, but on
Speaker 1: the left side we realized I had blockage. So that
Speaker 1: was probably a lot of the reason why, depending on
Speaker 1: what side I was ovulating on, the sperm was not
Speaker 1: able to get through. And at that point the doctor
Speaker 1: said to me, you know, ms Ellis, what I can
Speaker 1: do is try to flush your tubes. I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: a nice forceful push, which was hooper painful. You don't
Speaker 1: even have a universe. What do you feel it? Right?
Speaker 1: You know? So he pumped the die through like a
Speaker 1: really forceful gush. The pain was excruciating. It was like
Speaker 1: severe cramping um. But then we saw the die flush
Speaker 1: right through the tubes, and at that point I was like,
Speaker 1: thank God. I was praying so hard. I was like, please,
Speaker 1: I need this to work. Women put up with a lot, yo, yo.
Speaker 1: Let me let me tell you something, gentlemen. And I've
Speaker 1: watched my wife give birth three times, and men always
Speaker 1: ask me, you know, like when we talk about the
Speaker 1: sex stuff, like, you know, how is it with you
Speaker 1: your girl man with sex? I said, this is I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you. Why watch your women go through what
Speaker 1: it takes to produce a child, have have a baby, uh,
Speaker 1: nurse a baby, deliver a child, prepare for her reproductive organs.
Speaker 1: I watched k go through some stuff over the last
Speaker 1: ten years, which makes it a little bit easier for
Speaker 1: me to say, you know what, she don't feel like
Speaker 1: having sex tonight. I can rock with it because I
Speaker 1: never had my tubes flushed. I've never been lacerated in
Speaker 1: my cervix two. I never had to almost get a
Speaker 1: blood transfusion after my first child. I never had to
Speaker 1: get it upper dural like like there was so many's,
Speaker 1: so many things that women go through with this whole
Speaker 1: process that it makes you respect where they are with
Speaker 1: their bodies when they say they don't want to have
Speaker 1: sex at a certain point, and this is the truth, guys.
Speaker 1: To be honest, it's easy for me to say, you know,
Speaker 1: we don't have a sex, all right. I could rock
Speaker 1: with it because because nothing changes for the guys, like
Speaker 1: nothing changes for y'all. Nothing, and there's so many things
Speaker 1: that change for us. And you know, once I left
Speaker 1: that doctor's appointment and he flushed my tubes, he literally
Speaker 1: looked at me and he was like, congratulations with Ellis.
Speaker 1: He's like, you'll be pregnant in like a week or so.
Speaker 1: He's like, give yourself twenty four hours and go for it.
Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, thanks, I'll give it
Speaker 1: a try. And it was like draining up in them tube.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you because well, I told the val
Speaker 1: he said forty eight hours, because I knew he's gonna
Speaker 1: be ready to jump my bones after so I wanted
Speaker 1: to give myself the extra rest. Date about the whole story.
Speaker 1: Unbeknownst to the val, I called my doctor. He said, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I called my doctor because I'm like, I know my
Speaker 1: body something he's not right. And then this doctor told
Speaker 1: me to wait twenty four hours. I waited forty eight
Speaker 1: and literally we were out at a New Year's party.
Speaker 1: I had the procedure on the second of January and
Speaker 1: I was probably pregnant pregnant with Cairo by January four.
Speaker 1: Like legitt it that fast it happened. So shout out
Speaker 1: to that doctor who did my exam for me, and
Speaker 1: to my doctor and held my hand through that procedure.
Speaker 1: It's important to say, especially in our community, go to
Speaker 1: the doctor. If you feel like something is not right,
Speaker 1: go see a doctor. Absolutely, you don't have to say, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, okay, I'm probably gonna get some slack for this,
Speaker 1: but oh we'll pray on it. No, there are medical
Speaker 1: professionals who know these things that can help you. And
Speaker 1: guess what, God created the medical professional so you can
Speaker 1: pray on it and then go to the un Because
Speaker 1: I bring the whole way through that procedure. So and
Speaker 1: and if we hadn't going to the doctor, we wouldn't
Speaker 1: have our last two because the block it came from mucus.
Speaker 1: That development, yeah, wouldn't have happened. No, it wouldn't have
Speaker 1: happened in that circumstance. So um so yeah. And also
Speaker 1: to making sure that you are having a doctor who
Speaker 1: will be an advocate for you and will listen to you,
Speaker 1: which is extremely important, especially for women of color who
Speaker 1: are having children, who are having you know, pregnancies and childbirth.
Speaker 1: There are too many black and brown women dying during
Speaker 1: childbirth and pregnancy, and that is an issue and my
Speaker 1: midwife and I talked about it all the time, and
Speaker 1: I need to have her on the show. Part of
Speaker 1: the reason why we ended up having a home birth
Speaker 1: with Kaz was because we almost lost Dean with Jackson.
Speaker 1: She was lacerated and she was bleeding out when Jackson
Speaker 1: was born the epidural she got stuck three times with
Speaker 1: the job and everything and you know, rushing me into surgery.
Speaker 1: I had to get like twenty seven stitches in my service.
Speaker 1: It was crazy. It was crazy, And that might be
Speaker 1: low key in part why we had waited so long
Speaker 1: between Cairo and Jackson. It was at I'm not going
Speaker 1: to lot as a husband. After Jackson came out fine
Speaker 1: and Kay was fine, I did at one point saying
Speaker 1: to myself, like, I am not having no more. If
Speaker 1: that's what I might have almost lost my partner. I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not with it. Like we were good here. First
Speaker 1: of all the epidural scared me because she had to
Speaker 1: get stuck three times. And you know they always out
Speaker 1: these stories about when women say something don't feel right
Speaker 1: in the doctors or just like no, you did something else.
Speaker 1: We went through that. The woman stuck Codeine. She's like,
Speaker 1: you moved and I was like, yo, she didn't move. Also, gentlemen,
Speaker 1: you have to be involved with this process. I was
Speaker 1: there next to Codeine when just when they took Jackson out,
Speaker 1: they rushed Jackson because he had the club foot. That's
Speaker 1: rushed Jackson out and Cadine is sitting there and she's
Speaker 1: fading in and out, and I'm like, yo, everybody left
Speaker 1: the room and it's just me and Condeine, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: how you feeling? Babies uh? And I'm like, yo, you're right,
Speaker 1: you're right. I go down to the bottom to see
Speaker 1: if everything's are right, and she was bleeding out. Had
Speaker 1: I not gone down there to check and then say, ma,
Speaker 1: can you come? And I called my doctor over real
Speaker 1: quick and everything she was on it. She was on it.
Speaker 1: But had I not called her mom and her mom,
Speaker 1: not being a nurse, look down there and say something
Speaker 1: doesn't look right. Everybody was gone, and it's important that
Speaker 1: you know, as a man, you you make sure that
Speaker 1: your woman is good, and if she says she's not good,
Speaker 1: you flip over every table in that hospital, and so
Speaker 1: somebody and say, Yo, my wife or my girlfriend says
Speaker 1: she not good, somebody better come in here, because you
Speaker 1: have to be your own advocate. You have to be
Speaker 1: our own advocate. Um. But preparing for Jackson versus preparing
Speaker 1: for like Cairo and then kids who kind of came
Speaker 1: out of nowhere on the back to back, you know,
Speaker 1: the first child you're always extra prepared for. I feel
Speaker 1: like even just down to like the registry and having
Speaker 1: a shower, Like we got so much love and so
Speaker 1: much support from family and friends, and you're kind of
Speaker 1: overprepared for that child, you know, making sure you have
Speaker 1: every single baby item. And right now it's insane to
Speaker 1: see the baby market and how many contractions are out
Speaker 1: there for kids. Um. But aside from just those, you know,
Speaker 1: material things, you want to make sure that you as
Speaker 1: a parent are on the same accord or as a
Speaker 1: potential parent with your spouse, you know, or if you're
Speaker 1: co parenting with someone, you both have to be on
Speaker 1: the same accord about what kind of values you're instilling
Speaker 1: in your children, your parenting styles and how it may
Speaker 1: be different how you were raised then can impact you
Speaker 1: being a parent to your children and or raising boys
Speaker 1: versus girls. Like, there's so many different things that go
Speaker 1: into being a parent, and I feel like with Jackson,
Speaker 1: you know, we definitely had conversations about what we wanted
Speaker 1: for our children in terms of like, you know, type
Speaker 1: of schooling or you know, core values and morals and
Speaker 1: sharpening that moral contest that your children are going to have.
Speaker 1: Those are conversations at the Val and I had early on.
Speaker 1: So we were kind of on the same accord, even
Speaker 1: though our parenting styles tend to be a bit different
Speaker 1: at times. Yeah, I mean our parenting styles were different,
Speaker 1: but you know what changes every time we have a
Speaker 1: child also is socio economic situation. We were in a
Speaker 1: completely different space when we had Jackson, then when we
Speaker 1: had and then even when we had cats. Also, you
Speaker 1: learn so much from having one child to the next
Speaker 1: that you become a little bit more prepared without having
Speaker 1: to prepare, you know, Like for example, with Jackson, we
Speaker 1: didn't have any baby stuff. You know, we had a
Speaker 1: room for him, so we had a baby shower. Our
Speaker 1: families helped, and we had an abundance of things, but
Speaker 1: we had two and three and four of things that
Speaker 1: we didn't need. Then we learned early with Jackson that
Speaker 1: kids grow so fast that you have so many two
Speaker 1: months old clothes and now was four months and he
Speaker 1: didn't wear anything because you don't take the baby anywhere.
Speaker 1: So we learned how to manipulate what we needed as
Speaker 1: opposed to what we wanted, in turn saving money to
Speaker 1: saving money. And also because we were in different phases
Speaker 1: and lives, like of course, when we had Cairo, it
Speaker 1: was five years later. We had more money, so we
Speaker 1: were able to to do a little bit more and
Speaker 1: plan better. And then when we had cats, it was
Speaker 1: immediately fifteen months later. So everything we had from Cairo
Speaker 1: we just used for cars because they were both right,
Speaker 1: poor cats, like everybody's hand me down. Yeah, we had
Speaker 1: all of the stuff that Cairo didn't even wear. That's true,
Speaker 1: because we did have a lot of We had a
Speaker 1: bunch of stuff. It's not poor cast I feel or
Speaker 1: whoever is the child who doesn't have anything, but this
Speaker 1: kid had all of the stuff that Cairo never used. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I'm very very conscious about when our babies out
Speaker 1: growth things um, where there's appliances or you know, things,
Speaker 1: I'm passing it down to the next mom who may
Speaker 1: need it, you know, like things are never just going,
Speaker 1: you know, in the garbage, like we're always recycling because
Speaker 1: someone can always benefit from that. UM. But preparing that
Speaker 1: is different for every child, depending on where you are
Speaker 1: financially and what number of the child is. Also with
Speaker 1: second child, so things are very different and also too,
Speaker 1: I feel like being able to juggle the children where
Speaker 1: everyone feels like they get their time, is always something
Speaker 1: that we kind of struggle with but we are cognizant of,
Speaker 1: because you never want one child to feel like you know,
Speaker 1: for example, you hear about the middle child syndrome that
Speaker 1: always happens, and I always say Cairo will be the
Speaker 1: middle child, Like no middle child left behind, because no child,
Speaker 1: you know, I hear from people. Let let's say, like
Speaker 1: the old I'm a middle child and I felt like
Speaker 1: I was overlooked. And I feel like it's funny the
Speaker 1: dynamics of our children and their personalities because Cairo's personality
Speaker 1: as our middle child, he is so vibrant and so
Speaker 1: full of life and so demanding that he's gonna be like,
Speaker 1: I'll be damned if you'll overlook me, because this is
Speaker 1: what's happening. You know, if there was anybody I was
Speaker 1: concerned about, it was Jackson because we went from Cairo
Speaker 1: right to cast and that was a lot of time.
Speaker 1: That is, you you have to spend with two kids.
Speaker 1: They're almost like twins, so you get one, I get one,
Speaker 1: and then there's Jackson Jackson. Jackson was by himself for
Speaker 1: so long, so Jackson was getting it from everybody, like
Speaker 1: he was the the only nephew and grandchild on my side,
Speaker 1: you know, on your side of the family too. He
Speaker 1: was like the next grandchild, you know, after you. But
Speaker 1: then they diden came right after Jackson, so he could
Speaker 1: share that. And the thing is, Jackson's personality is very different.
Speaker 1: You know, he's a very giving soul, so I don't
Speaker 1: think he was fighting for attention from anyone. But what
Speaker 1: you did that I learned very quickly, was you made
Speaker 1: sure that everybody got a day. So, for example, Kate
Speaker 1: plans a day where both the youngest kids, Kyro and
Speaker 1: Kasa with her mom and we just take Jackson for
Speaker 1: the whole day. Then there's a day where Jackson is
Speaker 1: with my brother, and then Kaz with her mom, and
Speaker 1: then Cayro gets his own day with mommy and daddy,
Speaker 1: and we try to rotate so that they never feel
Speaker 1: like I always have to do stuff with my brother
Speaker 1: right right right, because that mommy guilt. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: a bit like what is mommy gilt? What is that
Speaker 1: mommy gilt? Is when you feel like you are never
Speaker 1: doing enough for each child or even your husband. You know,
Speaker 1: I had the mommy and the wife guilt all the time,
Speaker 1: and then I start to feel the guilt for Cadean guil,
Speaker 1: Like where does Cadein fall in this whole mix of
Speaker 1: being condemed the individual who's not the mom and the wife. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean I feel like I do. I feel like
Speaker 1: I do a good job of saying, babe, you need
Speaker 1: some time, let me take the It's literally like a
Speaker 1: tag team here, Like it's like wrestling. I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: tag me out, tag me in, Like when we can
Speaker 1: tell when the other needs Sometimes, so sometimes I'll take
Speaker 1: all three kids and I'll either like go do an
Speaker 1: activity with them or go to a family member so
Speaker 1: that we can just take time, whether it's to sleep,
Speaker 1: to think, you know, to take a ship in peace,
Speaker 1: like sometimes you don't tell you definitely just need that.
Speaker 1: And your parents and your parents and my brother and
Speaker 1: my parents. We have a very strong village of people
Speaker 1: who are willing to take our children. We could not
Speaker 1: do any of this without the family, Like we could
Speaker 1: not do any without having the village. It is almost impossible.
Speaker 1: And having the village and somewhere to dump our kids,
Speaker 1: let's talk about keeping the romance and like quality time
Speaker 1: going with kids, um because it's hard, like you get
Speaker 1: wrapped up and being working parents and then this is
Speaker 1: still and every now and again, this is what thank you,
Speaker 1: I thank I appreciate that, this is what I would say.
Speaker 1: Your mom is the best with knowing that kids, you
Speaker 1: guys need your time. My boys and you guys go
Speaker 1: every Friday into Saturday. We know for a fact that
Speaker 1: we can drop the boys to Mimi's house. Absolutely we
Speaker 1: know that every Friday, she she don't get them for Friday.
Speaker 1: She's bringing down my phone and I'd be like, I
Speaker 1: wanted to have my boys this weekend, like can we
Speaker 1: not have our children? Every now and again she literally
Speaker 1: thinks that I was a surrogate and she's mom that
Speaker 1: I definitely appreciate that. But you know, but what I
Speaker 1: would say is very important. Um, we as people work right,
Speaker 1: we work, and if you don't have a village. Sometimes
Speaker 1: people are so concerned with trying to prepare the best
Speaker 1: lives for their children that they don't realize that as
Speaker 1: a parent, you have to prepare the best life for
Speaker 1: yourself before the children. Think about it. When you're on
Speaker 1: the airplane, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first,
Speaker 1: then on the child. Some of the moneys you have
Speaker 1: should be invested in helping you and your spouse, your
Speaker 1: girlfriend or your significant other have that time so that
Speaker 1: you don't lose sight and don't lose each other and
Speaker 1: focus just on the kids because they're gonna sense that.
Speaker 1: So you have to put some some of that money
Speaker 1: aside and say, you know what, we need a babysitter
Speaker 1: for three or four hours every Friday. Let's put some
Speaker 1: money aside in a budget so that we know, you
Speaker 1: know what, we got a babysitter for these three or
Speaker 1: four hours. Let's mommy and daddy go out and do
Speaker 1: what we do so that we can keep that romance going.
Speaker 1: You have to find a way because that is important
Speaker 1: for your mental health and that's just important for your
Speaker 1: ability to kind of regroup and dive back into your
Speaker 1: children when even absolutely I'm all for that, and that's
Speaker 1: something that we exercise all the time, you know. And
Speaker 1: also talking about building the legacy and making sure that,
Speaker 1: like you said, we put our oxygen masks on first
Speaker 1: to make sure we're you know, being able to generate
Speaker 1: income and sustain the family and build a legacy that
Speaker 1: we want for our boys. It's very necessary to have
Speaker 1: the time a way to be able to do that
Speaker 1: knowing that you're gonna put the work it Now. You
Speaker 1: may not see the kids, you know, for a day
Speaker 1: or two on the weekends, but everything that we're doing,
Speaker 1: every time we travel, every event that we do, the
Speaker 1: kids are literally at the root of it, you know,
Speaker 1: even without opening the new business owning partnership in the gym.
Speaker 1: Like he's just like, man, sometimes I just hate having
Speaker 1: to go there and deal with these emails and deal
Speaker 1: with you know, the work behind it. But he's He'll
Speaker 1: say it, but I'm doing this for our boys. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's creating the foundation pretty much, very necessary. In the
Speaker 1: last ten years as a as a Husban been I'm
Speaker 1: just proud of you, like I'm proud of you, and
Speaker 1: I'm proud of you too, and we would we've made
Speaker 1: it through this whole parent thing kind of just winging it,
Speaker 1: which you tend to do usually too with your first child.
Speaker 1: It's like you they're kind of like this like experiment.
Speaker 1: You know, I was an experience for my parents. You
Speaker 1: were an experien and we didn't turn out have bead.
Speaker 1: But also to as a parent, no parenting style is
Speaker 1: the same for each child. You have to curtail your
Speaker 1: your parenting skills depending on the child the same way.
Speaker 1: Not everyone learns the same way. Everyone learns differently. You know,
Speaker 1: you may have somebody who is more of a traditional
Speaker 1: style learner versus a progressive learner. So those the things
Speaker 1: that we had to research as parents, like do you
Speaker 1: want your child to go to a progressive school versus
Speaker 1: a traditional school? And everything is different depending on the child,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't think there's a right and wrong though,
Speaker 1: Like I just want to know why I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't ever look at my parents and be like, you know,
Speaker 1: like damn, like like you shouldn't have done that, because
Speaker 1: I would never say to my parents you shouldn't have
Speaker 1: done that, because there's no way they could have known
Speaker 1: the same way when I look at someone the stuff
Speaker 1: I did with Jackson, and I say, I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: done that, you know, as hard as I was on
Speaker 1: him at two and three and four, thinking that he
Speaker 1: was supposed to be at a different point. And then
Speaker 1: now I have two younger sons and they get away
Speaker 1: with more than what Jackson got away with. Because I'm like,
Speaker 1: there two, there are three. They'll get over it. And
Speaker 1: I know Jackson is gonna probably look at me and
Speaker 1: be like, yo, you act in totally different Yeah, because
Speaker 1: I did the same thing with my parents. Yeah, absolutely absolutely,
Speaker 1: So Yeah. To answer that, I mean, we're still adjusting
Speaker 1: to change every day, the different experience. Every child is different,
Speaker 1: every day is different, the circumstances different, um, and we
Speaker 1: just kind of roll with the punches. So there's there's
Speaker 1: no recipe, there's no book for this, and I know
Speaker 1: it's going to be different as they go from being
Speaker 1: toddlers to children, to pre adolescents to adolescents to young adults.
Speaker 1: There's gonna be so many different changes. Technology is going
Speaker 1: to change, uh, socio economically, we're gonna change. So you
Speaker 1: think about the the six and seven year difference between
Speaker 1: Jackson and Kas And I know we went through this
Speaker 1: in my home. Jackson is not going to get things
Speaker 1: that Cas at his age is probably gonna get. And
Speaker 1: I experienced that with with my sister because I was
Speaker 1: the oldest and I'm ten years old in her. So
Speaker 1: my first car was nine Cougarvaccine. I had a nineteen
Speaker 1: eighty nine Couger. Of course, my father twelve hundred dollars
Speaker 1: it was. It was the oldest car I ever seen
Speaker 1: in my life, and I loved it because I was
Speaker 1: appreciative because this was my car. My first of all.
Speaker 1: It wasn't even My father bought it as a runaround
Speaker 1: car and he let me drive it to school, so
Speaker 1: he was just like, yo, this is yours whenever you
Speaker 1: want to drive. So I was appreciative of it my
Speaker 1: first Could you think about your peers at school? Some
Speaker 1: of them were probably just still taking the you have
Speaker 1: a car. So I was appreciative of it, and I
Speaker 1: was just like, yo, that's that's dope. My pops did
Speaker 1: that for me. Then when I turned eighteen, he bought
Speaker 1: me at N nine Nissan Maximum. This is twoine. I
Speaker 1: had the black rooms with the golden down with the
Speaker 1: chrome own lip had the sound system. But then my
Speaker 1: sister's first car was a sixty thou dollar accurate TL
Speaker 1: brand new, and I'm like, well, god damn like my
Speaker 1: car calling up. But she is also the baby girl.
Speaker 1: That was ten years later, my parents were in a
Speaker 1: different situation. You know. They had just purchased a home.
Speaker 1: They were preparing for me to go to college. Doing better.
Speaker 1: What you want. Every family ex supposed to be doing better.
Speaker 1: Everybody's supposed to be doing better. So what I'm going
Speaker 1: to do learning from my parents is I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: try to keep my kids up on what everyone else
Speaker 1: is doing. I'm just gonna give my kids the worst
Speaker 1: ship ever. This way they all appreciate it. So Jackson
Speaker 1: gonna get a nineteen eighty nine maximum. It's gonna get
Speaker 1: nine maximum, so that they could both be like we
Speaker 1: both had See what I'm saying, and I'm been telling
Speaker 1: me that you want a better car, get a job,
Speaker 1: work for that, Go get a job. We're gonna take
Speaker 1: a quick break and get into some ads, but we'll
Speaker 1: be right back helping to answer some of these listener letters.
Speaker 1: This for the record, there it is a win for
Speaker 1: the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring
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Speaker 1: and stitch your Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app alright,
Speaker 1: time for the listener letters. Let's see what y'all came
Speaker 1: up with. What what questions are you all throwing our
Speaker 1: away this time? Any advice for millennial newlyweds also expecting
Speaker 1: their first newborn? Help us l O okay, so she
Speaker 1: needs help. Here's the first thing I'm gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: speak to the gentleman. Understand that your your life is
Speaker 1: going to change as a husband, your wife is going
Speaker 1: to change, her body is going to change, and don't
Speaker 1: expect that when the baby comes, things are going to
Speaker 1: get better, because I know, doing pregnancy, they automatically assume, oh,
Speaker 1: once the pregnancy is over and the baby comes, always
Speaker 1: going to be better. No, that's when ship really hits
Speaker 1: the fan, and not in a bad way, but that's
Speaker 1: when you're really gonna both have to lean on each other,
Speaker 1: especially if your wife or girlfriend and decides that she's
Speaker 1: gonna nurse. So now you're gonna have another six months
Speaker 1: if we're having to be up every two and a
Speaker 1: half hours and sleep deprivation is very real and it's
Speaker 1: going to create some emotional highs and lows, and as men,
Speaker 1: we have to know that we're going to have to
Speaker 1: help them cope through that. So just expect that once
Speaker 1: the baby comes is going to be great, but there's
Speaker 1: gonna be a lot more to do for the next
Speaker 1: six to nine months. Absolutely, And I think for both
Speaker 1: the parents in this situation, lean on whatever help you get.
Speaker 1: Don't be afraid to ask for help, but also to
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to ask for space. Because it being
Speaker 1: a first child, you're gonna have a ton of family
Speaker 1: and friends who are gonna want to be there and
Speaker 1: and and their their intentions are going to be great
Speaker 1: because they're gonna want to help and they're gonna want
Speaker 1: to see the baby. But don't be afraid to take
Speaker 1: those first couple of days when you get home to
Speaker 1: just learn who this baby is, with you and your
Speaker 1: spouse or with you and your partner, because that's very,
Speaker 1: very very important. And then at that point, you know,
Speaker 1: you can say to your your friends and family the
Speaker 1: very beginning, you know, at this time, we're just taking
Speaker 1: some time to enjoy the three of us, and when
Speaker 1: we're accepting visitors, will let you all know because we
Speaker 1: know you're so excited to sol to see the baby,
Speaker 1: because it can be overwhelming having the baby and then
Speaker 1: you're trying to figure out how to coexist with this
Speaker 1: new little life, and you're you're tired, and you're moody,
Speaker 1: and you're trying to recuperate and your sore, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's really nice to be able to say, set
Speaker 1: those boundaries, the boundaries. Set the boundaries early, even before
Speaker 1: the baby comes, so no one feels no type of way.
Speaker 1: But if you do need the help, then you can
Speaker 1: tag in, you know, your mom or your mother in law,
Speaker 1: or a friend or a sister who can then come
Speaker 1: in and help you, and don't be afraid to ask
Speaker 1: for that help. And trust your maternal instinct, trust what
Speaker 1: your your way of doing things. You know you're gonna
Speaker 1: get a ton of advice, but trust the way you
Speaker 1: feel is best for you and your child, because naturally
Speaker 1: it's going to kick in, and it may not right
Speaker 1: away because some women feel don't necessarily always feel the
Speaker 1: attachment right away to that baby, but it will come
Speaker 1: and and just and just know that the worst time
Speaker 1: is going to be that initial come homecoming. That's gonna
Speaker 1: be a little bit. It's a little bit of that
Speaker 1: that um not knowing, that unsure nous of like this
Speaker 1: is our new baby where newly was. That's going to
Speaker 1: be the hardest time. But it gets better every single
Speaker 1: day and once you get into the groove, you'll be fine.
Speaker 1: So don't panic that everything is changing initially, because everything
Speaker 1: changes initially, But that initial homecoming is the worst that
Speaker 1: is going to feel, and then it gets better as
Speaker 1: you get in the group. Congratulations and enjoy be ready
Speaker 1: when it comes, have fun life changing. So do val
Speaker 1: you want to go ahead and read that. Do you
Speaker 1: and Devout have the same parenting styles. If not, is
Speaker 1: there a is there a conflict between the two? Um,
Speaker 1: I think we aligned with a lot of our parenting
Speaker 1: you know, beliefs, though our styles and our approaches are different. Um,
Speaker 1: the beliefs are core beliefs, so our way of achieving
Speaker 1: it may be different. Um. But I do look to
Speaker 1: and I lean on Devolt a lot because you know,
Speaker 1: him being a father, him being a man, having once
Speaker 1: been a boy. You know, my my my strategy sometimes
Speaker 1: with dealing with just Jackson, for example, because he's a
Speaker 1: little older and of course we converse with him a
Speaker 1: lot more. Um developed normally will give me feedback, of
Speaker 1: course outside of Jackson when it's just the two of us,
Speaker 1: because we're always the United front. But he will let
Speaker 1: me know like, hey, I don't think your approach with
Speaker 1: this was right, or I think you need to, you know,
Speaker 1: have the discussion a different way, or you know, don't
Speaker 1: just jump on him for that because boys tend to
Speaker 1: act like this. You know, those are things that I'm
Speaker 1: not going to know because again, Jackson's my first child,
Speaker 1: like we said, just a learning curve all the time.
Speaker 1: And also too, I'm only going based off of what
Speaker 1: I think is right or what may have worked from
Speaker 1: my family and from my parents, and it may not
Speaker 1: necessarily be the best way to receive it on the
Speaker 1: child's end, and I may have to do it different
Speaker 1: with Jackson and different with Cairo, depending on the child.
Speaker 1: So I lean on Develo a lot um and I
Speaker 1: think we're complimentary and that we kind of feed off
Speaker 1: of each other and we're not afraid to pull the
Speaker 1: other aside and say I think you should have done
Speaker 1: right and and um. I have a little bit more
Speaker 1: experience with dealing with boys because I run a mentorship
Speaker 1: program for a young man ages six all the way
Speaker 1: through college. So Jackson's at that point now where he's
Speaker 1: in that process. You know, he said he's eight now.
Speaker 1: So I've been dealing with hundreds of young boys between
Speaker 1: six all the way to college. So I've kind of
Speaker 1: gotten into a rhythm of not only dealing with them
Speaker 1: on my own personal way, but also seeing how their
Speaker 1: fathers interact with them. So I think that I just
Speaker 1: have a little bit more experience of watching and being
Speaker 1: in that realm, especially with boys. So with Codein and I,
Speaker 1: we parent together. For me, I don't feel like there's
Speaker 1: a one parenting style of another. It's like, look, there's
Speaker 1: an issue, how are we going to address it? And
Speaker 1: when Codein says that, sometimes she's an approach the situation.
Speaker 1: Sometimes there's no way to have a parental caucus before
Speaker 1: you address a child. If something is happening in real time.
Speaker 1: You know, if if I'm not there and there's an
Speaker 1: issue with homeworking, Code's there, she has to deal with
Speaker 1: it and then we'll discuss later what happens. But what
Speaker 1: we both do and it's not just Codeine, I do
Speaker 1: this as well. We do a lot of self reflection
Speaker 1: and for me, I've come back to Cadine sometimes I say,
Speaker 1: you know, what I handled that wrong? You know, like
Speaker 1: I shouldn't I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: done that, And a lot of it is bouncing off
Speaker 1: of each other. I'll ask her sometimes I'm like, do
Speaker 1: you think I was a little too hard? I was
Speaker 1: a little too so often sometimes she's like, yeah, or not,
Speaker 1: I think you handled that the best way you can. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, we we do check in with each other
Speaker 1: and how we're going to deal with our children because
Speaker 1: we want them to respect the both of us, even
Speaker 1: if we're not in the room. So for example, I
Speaker 1: don't ever want it to be a thing where well devout, Well,
Speaker 1: Daddy's not here, so I know I can get over
Speaker 1: my mommy or mommy's not here. I know I can
Speaker 1: do this because Daddy's watching us. So we definitely spend
Speaker 1: every night. And when I say every night, we spend
Speaker 1: every night kind of recapping what happened throughout the day
Speaker 1: and what did you go through with the boys that
Speaker 1: we feel like we can fix or change no absolutely
Speaker 1: um And also too, I feel like with the children
Speaker 1: and with the parenting styles and things like that, it's
Speaker 1: important to when you feel like you have done something
Speaker 1: wrong or have made a decision that you think maybe
Speaker 1: wasn't the right approach with the child. We like to
Speaker 1: touch base with Jackson after I've apologized to Jackson, and
Speaker 1: this can also be my moment of truth. I'm going
Speaker 1: to put it in there. Don't be afraid to recap
Speaker 1: or to apologize to your children when necessary, because there's
Speaker 1: nothing worse than feeling like, you know, my parents got
Speaker 1: down on me about this. It wasn't necessarily the way
Speaker 1: I would have expected them to handle it. And then
Speaker 1: you get upset at your parents for that does that
Speaker 1: make sense? You know? And I feel like even as
Speaker 1: an eight year old, he probably feels that way sometimes,
Speaker 1: like you know, mommy did x y z and I
Speaker 1: don't understand why it happened this way. So we are
Speaker 1: very vocal with our sons about why we parent the
Speaker 1: way we do, why we discipline them the way they
Speaker 1: are the way we do. And um, I think every
Speaker 1: parent should. If you're wrong in the way you handle something,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to then say to your child, you
Speaker 1: know what, mommy did not make the best decision, or
Speaker 1: you know, mommy apologizes for the way she handled that,
Speaker 1: or Mommy was upset in the moment and I should
Speaker 1: not have said x y z. Um. And I think
Speaker 1: we should handle our children with that same kind of
Speaker 1: respect because then it keeps the line of communication open
Speaker 1: with our children are not going to be as afraid
Speaker 1: to say things to us or to tell us things,
Speaker 1: and you always want to make sure that they feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with that. So at that role into my moment
Speaker 1: of truth because your moment of truth well great, I mean,
Speaker 1: I like the little segue you did there. My my
Speaker 1: moment of truth is this. If you really want to
Speaker 1: parents and parent well, the first thing you need to
Speaker 1: do is look back into how you were parented and
Speaker 1: see how are you going to transfer what you've learned
Speaker 1: into what you plan to pass forward into your children.
Speaker 1: And I think that it's important for people to do
Speaker 1: that because sometimes as people, we don't even know why
Speaker 1: we're parenting a certain way. It's just, hey, that's how
Speaker 1: I was taught. And one thing I always say to
Speaker 1: people is that using tradition as an excuse, as an
Speaker 1: excuse for the lazy. Just because it was done that
Speaker 1: way doesn't mean it was always the right way. You
Speaker 1: have to learn why it was done that way, why
Speaker 1: it was done that way to you, so that you
Speaker 1: have a reason and a purposeful reason to do it
Speaker 1: to your children because it was within those circumstances exactly exactly.
Speaker 1: And I think that that's my moment of truth. You
Speaker 1: really want to be a good parent, think about your parents,
Speaker 1: think about why they made the decisions they made with you,
Speaker 1: with your children, with with your brothers and sister, if
Speaker 1: they had other children, and figure out what's the best
Speaker 1: way to take that mix of parenting. Of course, put
Speaker 1: it within the context that we live today, and don't
Speaker 1: be afraid to converse with your significant other about what
Speaker 1: mistakes you might or might not have made. I like that,
Speaker 1: I like it, and if you want to be featured,
Speaker 1: it's one of our listener letters. You can also email
Speaker 1: us at dead ask Advice at gmail dot com. We
Speaker 1: love questions, this is our favorite part. Absolutely, be sure
Speaker 1: to follow us on social media. That's I Am Devout,
Speaker 1: I A M as A Mary d E V A
Speaker 1: L E. And if you're listening on Apple podcast, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate and subscribe exactly and definitely give your
Speaker 1: reviews and follow me on social media. Cadeen I Am
Speaker 1: Dead as dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. Is
Speaker 1: produced by T Square, Stephanie Karauke and Dinor Opinion. Our
Speaker 1: executive producer is Chris Manning, and we'd like to give
Speaker 1: a special thanks to our recording engineer Jared O'Connell, our
Speaker 1: sound designer Brendan Burns, and studio manager Ashley Warren. We'll back.
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitching
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Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the distraction right now, it's
Speaker 1: out do it, please,