Speaker 1: Okay, I have a beef to pallo everyone. Are you
Speaker 1: there to me? Are you God? Are you there? God?
Speaker 1: It's me Chelsea and Catherine, Hi, Catherine. I have a
Speaker 1: beef to pick with airlines. I'm tell me. First of all,
Speaker 1: I am so sick and tired of not being able
Speaker 1: to get on fucking WiFi on a plane when I
Speaker 1: have an account with Go Go in flight with Delta
Speaker 1: Joint Go boin Go ship face I it is so
Speaker 1: annoying that they just don't have the planes outfitted with
Speaker 1: WiFi for everybody. Stop making me join and have another password.
Speaker 1: I have a security thing in my phone with all
Speaker 1: my passwords. There are over a thousand passwords. Now I
Speaker 1: have a thousand passwords for different things, and I will
Speaker 1: never even find the password I'm looking for. If I
Speaker 1: go in there to look for Go Go and flight
Speaker 1: and then it doesn't allow you to stay online. It
Speaker 1: kicks you off the whole flight. It kicks you off,
Speaker 1: kicks you off, kicks you off and then But somehow
Speaker 1: I always see other people, other people can do it
Speaker 1: just fine. They're they're not being kicked off. So like
Speaker 1: I know that I have a disconnect with technology, just
Speaker 1: like I have a new my my assistant Casey, well
Speaker 1: that's Carlo's assistant. Let's just be clear. My assistant has
Speaker 1: her own assistant. And he's like, the speaker system at
Speaker 1: the house doesn't work because nothing ever works at any
Speaker 1: of my homes music. There's just no chance of anything
Speaker 1: going smiftly with music. And by the time I get
Speaker 1: it working, I can't remember what I like to listen to.
Speaker 1: So he's like, oh, we'll get and get Alexa. I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, great, let's get Alexa. It's about time
Speaker 1: I have Alexa that does even Alexa doesn't listen to me,
Speaker 1: she doesn't. I can put my speaker on one speaker,
Speaker 1: I can't put the rest of the speakers on, so
Speaker 1: I can only play music in one room. So I
Speaker 1: have to blast it and then stay away from that
Speaker 1: room where it's blasting because it's too loud in that room.
Speaker 1: This is so complicated, it's so annoying. I definitely think
Speaker 1: I'm I have a hex, like a technology hex on me,
Speaker 1: and and I want to say to airline, you're already
Speaker 1: fucking losing, you know, you already guys suck you guys
Speaker 1: suck right now, not not slight attendants. I love my
Speaker 1: flight attendance, and I love pilots, especially when they're sober.
Speaker 1: But I don't flights are being canceled because there's not
Speaker 1: enough people working. Yeah, people don't want to work. I
Speaker 1: get it. I don't get that, actually, but I get
Speaker 1: it that that's happening. Planes are so dirty and so gross,
Speaker 1: now grosser than they were before COVID. We didn't learn
Speaker 1: anything about cleaning planes. When they say we're cleaning, we're cleaning,
Speaker 1: cleaning before they work over the side of your arms
Speaker 1: to see what's in there. Every flight, I look and
Speaker 1: I'm like horrified. Because Carlave, my assistant, travels with wet
Speaker 1: wipes all the time. She's always cleaning. She's responsible. She
Speaker 1: still wears the mask, you know, wherever she goes. I mean,
Speaker 1: I when I see her wearing a mask, I put
Speaker 1: my mask on. You know, I'm like, what am I doing?
Speaker 1: Why she's right? Why am I not wearing especially on
Speaker 1: a plane when the germs are where I could see
Speaker 1: the germs. But this WiFi thing is maddening. It is.
Speaker 1: And she just put WiFi on every plane so that
Speaker 1: everyone could get on for free, and like make it
Speaker 1: free so that we're We're all happy and content and
Speaker 1: like lost in the blue screen. Yeah, we're all online.
Speaker 1: Everyone's online. Stop making a barrier of entry and stop
Speaker 1: making pass codes that are like w littwer case C
Speaker 1: upper case zero lower case you fuck you. Who do
Speaker 1: you think is coming in to break into your fucking WiFi?
Speaker 1: Who is that? Especially now thirty so annoying, Chelsea. I
Speaker 1: have to tell you about a woman I sat next
Speaker 1: to on the plane. Thank god, she was across the
Speaker 1: aisle from me and not next to me. But she
Speaker 1: was an older woman. She chose that day to not
Speaker 1: wear a bra and were a very cleany shirt, which
Speaker 1: you know, to each their own, but I could tell
Speaker 1: she had like cookie grandma vibes from the minute she
Speaker 1: came on there I was sitting, I would not have
Speaker 1: doubted it. She proceeded to remove her shoes and not
Speaker 1: only placed them on the seat in front of her
Speaker 1: her feet, she placed them on the arm rest of
Speaker 1: the person in front of her. She placed them inside
Speaker 1: the seat back pockets. I've done that. I mean when
Speaker 1: I was when I was in my twenties and I
Speaker 1: was hungover on a plane, But not today. This woman
Speaker 1: was not hungover. She was fully mainlining straight vodka on
Speaker 1: the rocks the entire flight and playing video poker out
Speaker 1: loud with the sound on. No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1: I fucking hate that. How it was. It was a
Speaker 1: lot when people have their phones on and I have
Speaker 1: air pods and I have to say something. Yeah. Thankfully
Speaker 1: she only did it for like ten minutes before she
Speaker 1: passed out. But the real deal breaker for me was
Speaker 1: she kept reaching over to pet Mimsy, my dog was
Speaker 1: with me, and you know, at first it was fine,
Speaker 1: but it was not fine after she proceeded to massage
Speaker 1: her feet, her bare feet with her hands, and then
Speaker 1: like eat chips and suck on her fingers. After that,
Speaker 1: I was like, no, no, we're done petting the dog.
Speaker 1: But this woman, this this was the cardinal send to me.
Speaker 1: She chose to go to the airport bathroom two times
Speaker 1: with no shoes on on the airplane. On the airplane
Speaker 1: where you know, men are like jiggling around and they
Speaker 1: can't aim very well and there's p all over the floor.
Speaker 1: I just was like, oh, I couldn't handle it. No,
Speaker 1: that sounds so disgusting. The whole thing is so gross
Speaker 1: and uncouth like honestly, and and this is coming from me,
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't have any dignity at all. I mean, honestly,
Speaker 1: that is so gross. We were on a flight earlier
Speaker 1: to New York and this woman brought a cat on board,
Speaker 1: and then she took the cat out, and after everyone
Speaker 1: who walked by her, she'd be like, are you allergic?
Speaker 1: Are you allergic? And everyone's like yeah, yeah, like five
Speaker 1: people out of the seven. She asked that we're sitting
Speaker 1: around our area. I was behind her, or were allergic? Everyone?
Speaker 1: And I got so finally I said to her, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: why do you keep asking people if they're allergic if
Speaker 1: you're not putting the cat away? And she just looked
Speaker 1: at me and she goes, I think some people are
Speaker 1: just allergic to life, I go, and some people are
Speaker 1: allergic to cats. I'm not because I I don't. I
Speaker 1: just don't like cats. I prefer not to be hanging
Speaker 1: out with cats. But but I mean, I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: have an allergic reaction to a cat. But I was like,
Speaker 1: stop asking people, like you're basically using the cat as
Speaker 1: a conversation starter. And then ender you know, if you
Speaker 1: don't want to get into the details, don't get into
Speaker 1: the details anyway, Airlines, I really hope you guys step
Speaker 1: your fucking shit up, because this is gross already. What's happening?
Speaker 1: I mean, we really need someone's calling you. I don't
Speaker 1: know if it's someone important, scam likely scam scam. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. It happens all day long. This is sort
Speaker 1: of a secret life hack. I get a lot of
Speaker 1: sort of scammy calls from where I'm from because my
Speaker 1: zip code, not my zip code, my area code, is
Speaker 1: still from my hometown many states away. So I know
Speaker 1: if I'm getting a call from like Moleen, Illinois, not
Speaker 1: to pick it up. Yeah, it's pretty great wherever you
Speaker 1: live in the country. If you're getting a call from
Speaker 1: mole In, Illinois, don't pick it up. Do not pick
Speaker 1: it up. All right, Well, let's get to our guest
Speaker 1: for today. We have a great guest today. She is
Speaker 1: a producer and the co host of Armchair Expert, and
Speaker 1: she has a new upcoming fertility related podcast that we
Speaker 1: can't show the name of yet, but her name is
Speaker 1: Monica Padmint and we're happy to have you. Hi, Monica, Hi, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so happy to have you here. I am so
Speaker 1: flattered to be here. I can't believe I got the email.
Speaker 1: What do you mean you can't believe it? Especially without Dax.
Speaker 1: I'm sick of seeing you with Dax. I mean, listen,
Speaker 1: you guys have created a quite an extraordinary podcast. Congratulations
Speaker 1: on that, because I know you guys just signed a
Speaker 1: huge deal. Shout out. Sorry, I heart right, yeah, fuck you,
Speaker 1: I heart fuck you. But that's well deserved. Thank me.
Speaker 1: Years and years of really hard work and amazing interviews
Speaker 1: across the board, whether it be a like celebrity a
Speaker 1: neurophysicist as you meant, a celebrity neurophysicist gynecologist is how
Speaker 1: I like to classify myself. And then you have another
Speaker 1: podcast that's coming out, Yeah, I mean, we have a
Speaker 1: a Jillian podcast. To be fair, We we just keep
Speaker 1: doing more and more and more. But I do have
Speaker 1: one coming out that's me and Liz Plank. You know
Speaker 1: Liz Playing. She has a master's in gender. She's on
Speaker 1: CNN all the time talking about she's the best seller
Speaker 1: on like copy that how men are Wonderful and bad.
Speaker 1: She's perfect. And we're doing a podcast. We're gonna freeze
Speaker 1: our eggs at the same time, and we're going to
Speaker 1: follow that process We're going to check in every day
Speaker 1: and like see how we are, while also talking to
Speaker 1: different people with different fertility stories. Everyone has one. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. My friend just posted something and I was
Speaker 1: reading and I'm like, I don't even understand what the
Speaker 1: hell she was talking about, because I'm so not well
Speaker 1: versed in fertility. No one is. No one's taught anything
Speaker 1: because women related. It's a female issue, So why would
Speaker 1: anybody have to educate themselves on the matter. Exactly? Did
Speaker 1: you see that disgusting documentary our Father speaking of infertility?
Speaker 1: I'm so scared. Yeah, it's pretty creepy, you guys. It's
Speaker 1: the story of a doctor who inseminated his own semen
Speaker 1: into all of his patients. Not all, but he has
Speaker 1: like a hundred children out there and they all found
Speaker 1: each other on twenty three and me, I'm like, wait
Speaker 1: a second. I'm like, first of all, I didn't know
Speaker 1: you could find siblings on tree and right, I think
Speaker 1: there's an option where you put yourself on there is
Speaker 1: to say like I'm looking, or you keep it quiet. Oh,
Speaker 1: you know, it's hilarious. Started to diverge us, but malt
Speaker 1: We had Malcolm Gladwell on recently and he did that,
Speaker 1: and a sibling came up and he was like, oh my,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I have a twin. It was a twin.
Speaker 1: I was like, I have a twin that my mom
Speaker 1: didn't tell me about. What do I do? And do it?
Speaker 1: Do I confront her about? I can't confront her. My
Speaker 1: mom's a twin. Why would she do this? And turns
Speaker 1: out it was him again. It was again. It was
Speaker 1: just like a weird fluke in the system and it
Speaker 1: was just him. That's so stupid. What a ways some
Speaker 1: time and right I was laughing so hard. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: We actually had someone right into us who was like,
Speaker 1: I'm a product of one of these creepy doctors. So gross,
Speaker 1: so gross. Yeah, and she and her mom are advocates
Speaker 1: now for like I gotta get these people on the pod. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got to look into it. Actually, that's a great
Speaker 1: documentary for you to watch for you, Yeah, because there's
Speaker 1: one girl who spearheads the whole thing, and she's the
Speaker 1: one who contacts each sibling that pops up because a
Speaker 1: lot of these people, you know, were married to their
Speaker 1: husbands but couldn't get pregnant, so they thought they were
Speaker 1: being inseminated by their husband's were only to find out
Speaker 1: twenty years later that their child is someone else's child.
Speaker 1: Imagine the disruption. I mean, that's just like I mean,
Speaker 1: and the guy's not in jail, he's not he's from
Speaker 1: some Republican state because it's not technically illegal. There's some
Speaker 1: weird loophole. Yeah, there's a loophole where a doctor could
Speaker 1: go jerk off in a room and then come back
Speaker 1: and put it in someone's vagina. So that's nice loophole. Guys. Monica,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about the story of you meeting
Speaker 1: Dax and Christian because I didn't know that you were
Speaker 1: their babysitter. I was, that's so funny. I know, so
Speaker 1: your babies have for Dax first babysat for them. Well
Speaker 1: I did, I was, you know, I came out here
Speaker 1: to act. So I did an episode of House Civilize
Speaker 1: on which I played Kristen's assistant. Life art very simple,
Speaker 1: and she had just had her first kid, and I
Speaker 1: was like, well, I also, baby said, that's really how
Speaker 1: I make money, So if you ever need one, let
Speaker 1: me know, and then she called a couple of weeks later.
Speaker 1: Some then I was like, sporadically, Date Night babysitting for
Speaker 1: them while they went to the foot spall and then
Speaker 1: they had their second and they needed a little bit
Speaker 1: more help. So they were like, do you want to
Speaker 1: come on more full time? And at first I was
Speaker 1: like no, because I am an actor and I need
Speaker 1: I need time for my auditions in Santa Monica, so
Speaker 1: you need time to prepare. So they were like, will
Speaker 1: make that work, like you can go on auditions. It's fine,
Speaker 1: Well we'll figure it out. And I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: why not. But I really was like, I don't don't
Speaker 1: want to babysit again. I had already babies, had that
Speaker 1: I worked as a soule cycle, as a big as
Speaker 1: a big departure from babysitting. I was like, but I
Speaker 1: love these guys. They're so fun and great. And then
Speaker 1: it just like slowly started happening. Once Delta, their second,
Speaker 1: went to preschool, christ and was like, well, we still
Speaker 1: want to keep you around, but we don't need you
Speaker 1: as much babysitting wise, do you want to do more
Speaker 1: assistant work? And I was like sure, So then I
Speaker 1: did that and then I started like writing stuff for her,
Speaker 1: and then we kind of partnered up, and then Dax
Speaker 1: was like the thing. I went to a podcast and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh help, I'll figure it out. Oh wow,
Speaker 1: it just like it is. And I mean, I have
Speaker 1: to give them so much credit because I don't most
Speaker 1: people would just be like, stay in your stay in
Speaker 1: your lane, please. And that's actually what Kristen said when
Speaker 1: she was on this Really, that's exactly a quote that
Speaker 1: Kristen was talking about. When she becomes in videous of
Speaker 1: other actresses getting parts or having different kinds of careers
Speaker 1: than she has, that Dax would say stay in your lane,
Speaker 1: stay in your lane, which I think is kind of like.
Speaker 1: I don't like that phrase day in your lane because
Speaker 1: I don't want to. As soon as someone tells me
Speaker 1: to stay in my lane, there is no I'm dumping
Speaker 1: in all the lane is gone. But I think he
Speaker 1: meant more, don't try to be who you're not, right,
Speaker 1: But he's problematic phrasing. Yeah, well that's his whole problem.
Speaker 1: That's why he needs you as a co host. I
Speaker 1: thought I thought you actually maybe four das, not the
Speaker 1: two kids that now that Yeah, And I think that
Speaker 1: since Delta is named now after a variant, that she
Speaker 1: should take das. Should you have to take Delta's name
Speaker 1: and Delta should take taxes. But I do love their
Speaker 1: whole friend group, all of you guys, like you guys
Speaker 1: have a nice, tight knit group. I feel like I
Speaker 1: kind of know you guys just by watching you guys
Speaker 1: on Instagram, and you talk a lot about not having
Speaker 1: had a boyfriend. Tell me about that. It is. So
Speaker 1: we did Kimmel and he was like, so you've never
Speaker 1: had to see his boyfriend and I I was like, like,
Speaker 1: I was so. I could not believe he was saying
Speaker 1: that out loud on the show. And then he was like, well,
Speaker 1: you did a show on it and I was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I forgot. I told everyone already that it's like you forget.
Speaker 1: Forget everyone knows, but yeah, I mean, no, I haven't.
Speaker 1: I have so many issues around dating. And also before that,
Speaker 1: I really was like I can't get one when I
Speaker 1: was in middle school and high school when I started
Speaker 1: liking boys, and I'm sure it was picking specifically, but
Speaker 1: I couldn't get one. And then it taught me like
Speaker 1: it really implanted a narrative about myself that like you won't,
Speaker 1: you can't, like you don't deserve it, or you're not worthy,
Speaker 1: you know all those things. Then I morphed more into
Speaker 1: I would pick people who definitely were unattainable, and then
Speaker 1: if they started to become more attainable, if they were like, oh, Monica,
Speaker 1: then I'd be like, no, something's wrong with you now
Speaker 1: because you like me. If you like me, there's a problem.
Speaker 1: You're no hunger appealing to me. It's right exactly. So
Speaker 1: you know, it's been that whole thing, and I'm in
Speaker 1: therapy and I'm working on it, and our show helped,
Speaker 1: like Monica and Jess, that show helped, but that was
Speaker 1: like right before the pandemic and then and then I
Speaker 1: stopped doing anything. Yeah, I mean that sounds like it's
Speaker 1: a definite inside job, but I can relate to starting
Speaker 1: to believe a narrative about yourself for so long. I
Speaker 1: also felt like, even though I've had loves and boyfriends
Speaker 1: and stuff like I I there have been times where
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm not marriage material, Like I'm not
Speaker 1: going to be that person. I'm not somebody that anyone
Speaker 1: would even propose to. I'm not going to have that
Speaker 1: or I'm not going to have anything traditional in that sense.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to have a life partner I've had
Speaker 1: all those thoughts. But yeah, so you've never had a boyfriend. Wow,
Speaker 1: I know it's really weird to say even still, yeah,
Speaker 1: and how old are you? I'm about to be thirty five? Okay,
Speaker 1: Well good, I hope that this is we're coming upon
Speaker 1: a big transition in your life. Well, if anyone wants
Speaker 1: to spray my eggs, I will have some eggs available.
Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, I don't know. That's sort
Speaker 1: of the whole thing. But I'm just freezing them to see, like,
Speaker 1: you know, some insurance for the future, I guess, but
Speaker 1: also like because I don't even I don't know if
Speaker 1: I want kids, I'm not sure, but I want the option,
Speaker 1: you know. And it's already been interesting because I had
Speaker 1: a call with my doctor yesterday and so I've been
Speaker 1: on birth control for like ironically, I've been on birth
Speaker 1: control for since I was eighteen or something. I's got
Speaker 1: on it for my skin and then I've just been
Speaker 1: on it. And she was like, well, it's gonna affect
Speaker 1: your count, probably you should get off of it for
Speaker 1: a few months before and I was like, no, it's
Speaker 1: like I'm not doing that. I'm not changing my daily operations.
Speaker 1: For this thing that I don't even know if I
Speaker 1: want that, And so I like got really in my
Speaker 1: head about it and I didn't get off birth control.
Speaker 1: And then she called me. She was like, Okay, so
Speaker 1: like everything looks good. We like your account does look
Speaker 1: a little smaller than it would normally be. And I
Speaker 1: was like, fuck that birth control, Like I should have
Speaker 1: done it. You know, it's like it's already and I
Speaker 1: don't even know. I don't even know if I'm going
Speaker 1: to use them. Yeah, a lot of conversations going on
Speaker 1: in your head. Yes, that feel like I shouldn't be
Speaker 1: thinking about this. I don't even have a partner, I
Speaker 1: don't have like why, but women are forced to think
Speaker 1: about it. Where did you grow up, Georgia? M what city? Duluth?
Speaker 1: Like half hour outside of Land. Okay, so was it conservative?
Speaker 1: Is that more liberal? To Luth? Now it is more liberal.
Speaker 1: It's like one of the counties that's blue. I was
Speaker 1: gonna say, well, you can't get more conservative, but I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you can't forgotten you can get more conservative. Oh yes, unfortunately, Yes,
Speaker 1: there were like two blue counties. My family lives in
Speaker 1: one of them. And it is I mean, it's it
Speaker 1: was suburbs. It wasn't like down South or anything like that.
Speaker 1: But yes, there's a conservative undertone obviously to that whole state,
Speaker 1: so it wasn't too bad. I mean, I think once
Speaker 1: I left is when I really could see the differences.
Speaker 1: I know. I think that's the whole point of leaving,
Speaker 1: is to actually expand your brain and have your thinking
Speaker 1: challenged exactly. I mean, just to have your like understanding
Speaker 1: of the fact that where you live and grow up.
Speaker 1: Like when I meet people or I know, people from
Speaker 1: high school that still live in this hound that I
Speaker 1: grew up in, I'm like, what kind of life experience
Speaker 1: have you had? What are you doing? You live next
Speaker 1: door to your fucking mother? I know, I know, yeah
Speaker 1: I try. You know. That's my instinct too, is to
Speaker 1: be like, yikes, Like with my friends who still live
Speaker 1: at home and a lot of them are married there,
Speaker 1: We're all still very close, and a lot of them
Speaker 1: are married to their high school sweethearts, and yeah, they
Speaker 1: live near their family, and and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: if I had done that, it would have been so different.
Speaker 1: But then I see them and I'm like, it's working
Speaker 1: for them, it wouldn't work for me. I don't think,
Speaker 1: which is why I left. But for them, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know, like their lives will seem happy. And
Speaker 1: I'm trying not. I'm just trying not to make mass judgments,
Speaker 1: which I want to do all the time, and I'm
Speaker 1: trying hard not to. And what are you doing to
Speaker 1: actively start dating? Are you on any of these websites?
Speaker 1: I'm going on this podcast so that somebody will reach it.
Speaker 1: You have a man. Straight guys listen to this podcast,
Speaker 1: that's for sure. Yeah, we have one straight guy that
Speaker 1: works on the podcast, and that's Catherine's husband. Okay, unavailable.
Speaker 1: We did have a straight man that came on the podcast, right,
Speaker 1: he called it. He was black, of course, because there
Speaker 1: would be no straight white male that it would listen
Speaker 1: to this podcast and then stop listening and just sucking
Speaker 1: blow his brains out and be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: why am I such an asshole? But yeah, you have
Speaker 1: to be actively dating because you're a catch, thank you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you deserve to be loved and to love I know,
Speaker 1: I mean, I know I know that intellectually. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a matter of knowing it emotionally, you know, like do
Speaker 1: you have this like you must because you're so smart
Speaker 1: and successful that like where your your brain is not
Speaker 1: matching your feelings. No, but yeah, there's dissonance for sure
Speaker 1: at times with my brain and my but I mean
Speaker 1: it's an an intellectual knowing. I feel like emotional knowing
Speaker 1: is like gut it all, and an intellectual knowing is
Speaker 1: more powerful than your gut in something you know. And
Speaker 1: so I feel like when you know something in your head,
Speaker 1: you can infuse that into your gut and it's like
Speaker 1: a self conversation and you have to keep implementing that
Speaker 1: thought inside your brain so that it becomes part of
Speaker 1: who you are, your body, so that you know, I
Speaker 1: mean if as long as you're here, you deserve that
Speaker 1: interaction to be able to be lit up by somebody,
Speaker 1: and to light somebody up is a huge gift. And
Speaker 1: look what you're doing, and like how many people love
Speaker 1: what you do and listen to what you say. You know,
Speaker 1: like imagine if you could have like a direct impact,
Speaker 1: that's just gonna be so special when you do find somebody,
Speaker 1: I think. So, I mean, look, I also I I
Speaker 1: know that that's like what we're supposed to do on Earth.
Speaker 1: It's like love people and be loved like I know
Speaker 1: that's the real crux of it and the joy. So
Speaker 1: I do feel like as much as I get so
Speaker 1: much fulfillment from all these things, I'm like, I'm missing
Speaker 1: a thing like I do know it. Yeah, that's how
Speaker 1: I feel about children, Like I'm gonna miss that love.
Speaker 1: I'll never know that love. Did you make an active
Speaker 1: decision to not? I just have never had any desire
Speaker 1: to do that? None, zero less than zero. You're coming
Speaker 1: on our podcast, Well, you're actually you have I have
Speaker 1: less than zero interest. It sounds like you have zero
Speaker 1: plus one interest because your commitment to your fertilization of
Speaker 1: eggs were what even giving up birth control, you might
Speaker 1: as well fertilize my eggs. I can see what kind
Speaker 1: of it and see what kind of fritata comes after that.
Speaker 1: Um okay, So Monica, we're gonna give it real life
Speaker 1: advice to people. They call in and they zoom in
Speaker 1: Catherine to give us the low down of what we can. Well,
Speaker 1: first we have to take a break, right, we take
Speaker 1: a bubble back at the beginning of the episode, behind
Speaker 1: that curtain, So just get undressed. We'll keep the cameras
Speaker 1: on because this is pro This is post me too,
Speaker 1: and we want every positivity. Absolutely. Okay, we're gonna take
Speaker 1: a break and we'll be right back, and we're back.
Speaker 1: We're back with Monica Padmin and Catherine Hi Hi, Hi. Well.
Speaker 1: We have a lot in store for us today. And
Speaker 1: I love it when it works out that what you
Speaker 1: guys have talked about is all the same things that
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about. We've got people who aren't
Speaker 1: moving away from home, We've got love connections. Let's get
Speaker 1: right into it. We actually, in a break from tradition,
Speaker 1: have a coller first. We usually have an emaila have
Speaker 1: you ever had a caller yet? Never? I've never had
Speaker 1: a phone call. Wow, it's exciting. Welcome, Welcome to the
Speaker 1: wild world of Zoom. This question comes from Nicole. She says,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, subject line is my boyfriend is a helicopter
Speaker 1: dog dad. I've been dating my boyfriend a little over
Speaker 1: a year and I know he's the one We rarely
Speaker 1: have conflicts unless it involves our dogs. He is an
Speaker 1: overly cautious helicopter dog dad and I am the opposite.
Speaker 1: He has a thirty pound spaniel that's softer than baby food.
Speaker 1: The dog is riddled with anxiety over any loud noise,
Speaker 1: has terrible vision, causing him to run into things, and
Speaker 1: gets diarrhea from anything that's not his own food. These
Speaker 1: characteristics have only increased my boyfriend's own unmedicated anxiety and
Speaker 1: cause him to watch the dogs every move, including carrying
Speaker 1: him down porch steps and fear he'll fall down them,
Speaker 1: and following him around the yard, not allowing him to
Speaker 1: nibble on anything. I, on the other hand, have an
Speaker 1: extremely playful, sixty pound husky mix. My boyfriend loves my
Speaker 1: dog very much, but having the two dogs together causes
Speaker 1: him a lot of stress. He breaks up play fights
Speaker 1: almost immediately, gets frustrated when they steal each other's toys,
Speaker 1: and is unable to focus on much else because he's
Speaker 1: constantly watching them. I try to respect this because I
Speaker 1: agree it's annoying, but sometimes I just want to shout
Speaker 1: let them be dogs. We only sleep over at each
Speaker 1: other's places once a weekend because of their energy. We
Speaker 1: have our own places, but he recently bought a house
Speaker 1: with the intention that I will eventually move in. I'm
Speaker 1: more than ready to take that step, and he is too.
Speaker 1: If it weren't for the animal chaos, I've offered to
Speaker 1: hire a trainer. I regularly suggested that we had just
Speaker 1: immersed them in more time together in order to get
Speaker 1: them more acclimated. He's receptive to this, But then his
Speaker 1: dog woke up a few weeks ago unable to walk,
Speaker 1: and he began walking later that day, acting completely normal.
Speaker 1: My dog hasn't been allowed around him in over two weeks,
Speaker 1: meaning we also haven't had any overnights. He also canceled
Speaker 1: our cooking class that was part of my birthday present,
Speaker 1: as well as a golf trip he was supposed to
Speaker 1: take too long. I mean, this is the cutdown Bard.
Speaker 1: I'm concerned that his overly cautious parenting is going to
Speaker 1: cause issues when we raise our own children one day,
Speaker 1: and I'm beginning to resent the situation for holding back
Speaker 1: our relationship. So my question for you is, how do
Speaker 1: I express my concern that he's too overbearing and it's
Speaker 1: only causing his dog and me to become more anxious
Speaker 1: as a result. And how do I get us to
Speaker 1: the place of being ready to live together without allowing
Speaker 1: the dogs to dictate that Timeline Nicole, Hi, Nicole, this
Speaker 1: is Monica. She's our special guest today and you've met Catherine.
Speaker 1: Hello Monica, God, your boyfriend sounds so sorry to use
Speaker 1: this word, but annoying, you know, I mean, God, it's
Speaker 1: like a fucking this is like serious, like his dog
Speaker 1: has overtaken the entire situation. He really has yes to
Speaker 1: say with love. It is annoying. Yes, this has been
Speaker 1: our one point of contention. As I was telling Katherine,
Speaker 1: I mean, everything else in our relationship is just so
Speaker 1: easy and natural and everything that I've looked for on
Speaker 1: the boxes to check off. Um, so this is just
Speaker 1: the one that I'm trying to find my own acceptance
Speaker 1: of his parenting style. But yeah, just it holding us back. Okay,
Speaker 1: So has there been any conversation about going to an
Speaker 1: actual dog therapist for both him and the dog dog therapist? No,
Speaker 1: we do have a trainer that will start this coming
Speaker 1: weekend in home sessions with both dogs. So yes, I'm
Speaker 1: very much looking forward to that. At this stage, he
Speaker 1: is unapologetic of how he is. I think there's childhood
Speaker 1: trauma that I pair with it if I try to
Speaker 1: really dig deep in why he is so overly cautious.
Speaker 1: But there's a deeper thing happening, I think, and look,
Speaker 1: I'm not, And you're gonna be mad at me for
Speaker 1: saying this. Maybe already know, but I'm not a dog person,
Speaker 1: so you know, take this with a grain of salt
Speaker 1: a little bit, I guess. But it does seem like
Speaker 1: he's putting that dog above you, the human, and that's
Speaker 1: the crux for me of the issue. Yes, and I've
Speaker 1: brought that up. He doesn't see it that way, So
Speaker 1: that's why I'm seeking help of how to just bridge
Speaker 1: that conversation. Yeah, I think that first of all, you
Speaker 1: have a legitimate reason to be discussing this with him.
Speaker 1: Any avoidance of going to therapy is kind of an
Speaker 1: excusable at this point in the world and in society,
Speaker 1: it's not cool to not be open to that. And
Speaker 1: if you're talking about having children with him and he's
Speaker 1: using this behavior with his dog, you have every right
Speaker 1: to be concerned about it, Like, yeah, how are you
Speaker 1: going to have a future with this guy if he
Speaker 1: can't handle what has dog walking around the yard? I mean,
Speaker 1: I understand it's a special situation with the dog, but
Speaker 1: like he's got to learn how some coping mechanisms and yeah,
Speaker 1: childhood trauma is going to bite you in the ass.
Speaker 1: It doesn't go away. It hurts you. It will come
Speaker 1: and get you for all of us, yes, all for
Speaker 1: all of us, even her unfertilized eggs. It's gonna get.
Speaker 1: They're gonna get the trauma, and they're gonna probably m Yeah,
Speaker 1: you've got to really impress that upon him. I mean
Speaker 1: there's also a way, Like when I say dog therapist,
Speaker 1: I mean like for the owner, the trainer is a
Speaker 1: great start, and hopefully that will work, but if it
Speaker 1: doesn't exhaust other possibilities, try and get a dog therapist
Speaker 1: that can actually help a dog owner communicate with their dog,
Speaker 1: helped a dog because his anxiety is only leading to
Speaker 1: more dog anxiety. The two are feeding off of each
Speaker 1: other so clearly. And you can raise the concern obviously,
Speaker 1: like you've already said with love about moving forward in
Speaker 1: your life, like this is actually becoming a concern for
Speaker 1: you and you want to figure out what to do
Speaker 1: about it. You have to kind of introduce that in
Speaker 1: a way like that is a non negotiable for moving forward,
Speaker 1: because the situation sounds like it's become untenable. It has, Yes,
Speaker 1: I mean I've they've never been left alone together, and
Speaker 1: we've been together for over a year. The dogs have
Speaker 1: never been left alone in the house together. My parents
Speaker 1: have only met his dog a handful of times and
Speaker 1: word together all of the time, so that it puts
Speaker 1: a very r on our social outings because we just
Speaker 1: have to get back to separate homes with the dogs.
Speaker 1: At the same time, he could very well be moving
Speaker 1: for work as soon as six months, and we've already
Speaker 1: had that discussion that I would be going with. So hey,
Speaker 1: are we going to go from zero to one hundred overnight?
Speaker 1: Like we need to start building this and I just
Speaker 1: at action yet. Okay, Well, that's actually great first action
Speaker 1: for you to take. I mean, you're on the right track.
Speaker 1: You sound pretty sensible pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you should have that conversation with him, for sure. But
Speaker 1: I mean I think there are more How old is
Speaker 1: his dog? Will he die soon? Can you put him
Speaker 1: down when he's at work one day? That's terrible? Oh
Speaker 1: my god, oh my god? And how old your dog?
Speaker 1: To okay, because yeah, we're in it. Okay, Well, I mean, listen,
Speaker 1: the trainer is gonna come. If that doesn't work out,
Speaker 1: then that leads you to the next conversation. You've exhausted
Speaker 1: that possibility. If it doesn't work out, hopefully it will
Speaker 1: and you can talk about a dog therapist or a
Speaker 1: real therapist, and what about a couple's therapists for the
Speaker 1: two of you. It's always helpful to have like a
Speaker 1: third party there who can say to his face, hey,
Speaker 1: this is a little bit unreasonable. And also there's no
Speaker 1: such thing as this is just who I am. Like,
Speaker 1: people evolve and if you guys are a couple, you're
Speaker 1: gonna have your own thing that you're going to have
Speaker 1: to figure out. And if you have kids, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like everyone is forced to evolve. He needs to get
Speaker 1: on board, right, That's why I said, like, our kids
Speaker 1: have to be able to fall down and get a
Speaker 1: scrape and you know, build a resiliency and find risk
Speaker 1: in that. Like, how have your conversation has gone thus
Speaker 1: far when this subject comes up? How deep have you gotten?
Speaker 1: Not incredibly deep. I turned into a bit of a
Speaker 1: passive person when it comes into any conflict, and then
Speaker 1: I start to cry and then things get awkward, and
Speaker 1: so things come up regularly but not in depth. No, Okay,
Speaker 1: well you need to work on that. You have to, Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you can. It's not fair to cry whenever anything
Speaker 1: gets when the conflict comes up, because that puts into
Speaker 1: the other person in a really not fair position, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So you have to do that
Speaker 1: work for yourself as well and focus on that and
Speaker 1: just difficult conversations help unify people, not take them apart.
Speaker 1: And that's something to remember, Like when you have a
Speaker 1: challenging conversation, it's always an opportunity for growth. You don't
Speaker 1: have to get scared and look away or avoid and
Speaker 1: be passive and all of that stuff. It's a good
Speaker 1: skill to practice and learn and it's going to come
Speaker 1: in handy with all of these issues. So please start
Speaker 1: with this conversation. You know, it is a big concern.
Speaker 1: You called into us, You're obviously concerned, and the next
Speaker 1: step is to sit down with him and be like,
Speaker 1: we need to really address this. This is our first point.
Speaker 1: And now if if the dog trainer works, great after that,
Speaker 1: this is the next step. This is the plan of attack.
Speaker 1: And we also have to work on communicating better because
Speaker 1: I feel like this dog is ruling my life and
Speaker 1: that's just silly, and no matter what's going on with
Speaker 1: that dog, it shouldn't be ruling your life. Exactly, yes,
Speaker 1: thank you for that conformation. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, let us
Speaker 1: know what happens, Nicole. Yeah, yeah, I will. I will
Speaker 1: thank you so much by all right, bye, thank you.
Speaker 1: How funny that we have the one guest that doesn't
Speaker 1: like dogs on our first dog question. It's not our
Speaker 1: first dog question, but it's it's we don't often get
Speaker 1: dog questions. Move get rid of that dog, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I know. I kind of also was like, this dog
Speaker 1: sounds sickly, maybe it will die soon. But I mean,
Speaker 1: and that's part of why I wanted to have Monica
Speaker 1: for that question, because like you're not overwhelmed by like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I totally get it. I love that
Speaker 1: dog so much. But no, for me, it's like that's
Speaker 1: just indicative of a much deeper issue of he's projecting
Speaker 1: all his anxiety onto this dog. It's gonna go somewhere.
Speaker 1: Even if the dog gets trained, he's gonna Yeah, and
Speaker 1: that hyper vigilance, you know, it's early days kind of
Speaker 1: because they've been together for a year, but like that
Speaker 1: hyper vigilance will permeate everything. Like that's something I've been
Speaker 1: working on a ton in therapy, not constantly being worried
Speaker 1: about what's the next terrible thing that can happen? And
Speaker 1: hopefully this dog trainer will help with some of that,
Speaker 1: just being like, hey, this is normal dog stuff. But
Speaker 1: also they'll probably have to take a next step and
Speaker 1: see an actual therapist. Yeah. I just hate people's resistance
Speaker 1: to therapy. It's just it fucking drives me up. Yes,
Speaker 1: it's still how I don't because people are scared to
Speaker 1: tap into what is dark and no ominous underneath them,
Speaker 1: Like they don't want to revisit that. They want to
Speaker 1: think that nothing in life has anything to do with that.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I mean, just look at what happened
Speaker 1: to you, Chelsea. You're open and vulnerable and feeling things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I used to be shut off and closed down
Speaker 1: and angry, and I'm not anymore because I know how
Speaker 1: to deal with my emotions now. Some people want to
Speaker 1: stay angry. Yeah, Well, if they don't want to stay angry,
Speaker 1: they just don't want to feel so so to that
Speaker 1: dark place and have to unearth it because it's not
Speaker 1: a pleasant experience, but it's a valuable experience and it
Speaker 1: will make you a much more well rounded person. I
Speaker 1: almost emailed you a few months ago because I was
Speaker 1: looking for a new therapist, and when you were on
Speaker 1: our show, you were like raving about yours and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I should ask Chelsea. But then I
Speaker 1: found I found my found an incredible therapist and I'm
Speaker 1: very happy with But oh, good, well that's great. I
Speaker 1: mean I had already been in therapy, but I was like,
Speaker 1: this isn't enough. I need more. I need different. I
Speaker 1: went to my therapist yesterday and after we were done,
Speaker 1: he's like, Okay, I'm leaving in ten days and I
Speaker 1: was like, I am to I won't be back until September.
Speaker 1: And he was like, okay, well dude, let me know
Speaker 1: if you want to connect before you leave. I'm like,
Speaker 1: we just fucking saw each other. Like this is it.
Speaker 1: This is goodbye for two months. This is incremental. Like
Speaker 1: now I only use it for incremental stuff. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm going through a breakup. I need my therapist. I
Speaker 1: want to handle these emotions right. I don't want to
Speaker 1: fucking fast track anything. I want to do it the
Speaker 1: right way. And now I'm done with you, so please,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you again. Also, my therapist, this is
Speaker 1: so great. I go to his house. We sit in
Speaker 1: his backyard. And there's a construction site inside his backyard,
Speaker 1: and I was like, wait, are you serious with a
Speaker 1: chainsaw going the entire time and I'm like, Dan, are
Speaker 1: you inviting like please, people of customers? Are you betty
Speaker 1: patients over? That's what I call my fans customers when
Speaker 1: they're at the show, the live show. I'm like, hello, customers.
Speaker 1: I'm like, Dad, are you can't have therapy sessions when
Speaker 1: there's a fucking drill happening in your backyard? I want
Speaker 1: to go to a construction site. I'll go to my
Speaker 1: own house and reflected in the Reflection pond while our
Speaker 1: next question, and this is kind of a touchy topic,
Speaker 1: but this comes from Julia. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm
Speaker 1: a college student. A couple of months ago, I got
Speaker 1: really drunk and sat on a guy and kissed him.
Speaker 1: I vaguely also remember asking him if he wanted to
Speaker 1: have sex, to which he said no. Obviously, this guy
Speaker 1: has since said everything is cool, he doesn't care about
Speaker 1: what happened. However, my actions still haunt me, and this
Speaker 1: has become quite literally all I think about. I don't
Speaker 1: know why or how that happened. I'm assuming somehow in
Speaker 1: my drunken state, I thought that I was flirting, and
Speaker 1: since that point I've never ever gotten that drunk. I
Speaker 1: completely understand what I did was wrong, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to reach out for advice. I wanted to come to you, specifically, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: because I know you've been caught up in a similar
Speaker 1: situation to which you inapropriately touched someone and meant no harm,
Speaker 1: but nonetheless it still happened. How do I deal with
Speaker 1: the shame of knowing this will always be part of
Speaker 1: my record? Hi? Julia, Hi, this is Monica, and that's Catherine,
Speaker 1: my Monica. Hi. Okay, first of all, you need to
Speaker 1: give yourself a break. All you did was, I mean,
Speaker 1: you kissed somebody and you were at a party and
Speaker 1: you were drunk. That is not anything to take to
Speaker 1: your grave to be shameful about. You made a mistake,
Speaker 1: That's okay, That's what human beings do. They make mistakes.
Speaker 1: And what was your interaction with him after the incident?
Speaker 1: I mean after it it kind of just was awkward.
Speaker 1: I guess, like I did apologize to him, which is
Speaker 1: one thing that I'm really happy that I did, But
Speaker 1: other than that, for some reason, it just really like
Speaker 1: sticks with me. I feel like a lot of people
Speaker 1: have told me like, it's okay, you can let it go,
Speaker 1: but it's just it's for some reason, it has really
Speaker 1: stuck with me. Okay, you have got to give yourself
Speaker 1: a break. You are going to make mistakes in life.
Speaker 1: You did not hurt anybody, You did not murder somebody.
Speaker 1: You were inappropriate, that is not an offense that is unforgivable,
Speaker 1: and you apologized and took accountability. That's it. That's the
Speaker 1: end of that story. So you have to get past
Speaker 1: that because you're beating yourself up here, and then this
Speaker 1: will become a pattern in your life. So you need
Speaker 1: to disrupt this pattern immediately and know that you just
Speaker 1: had a good time. You're at a party and it's
Speaker 1: not like you did something that bad. You know, it
Speaker 1: was just unwelcome and of course it was awkward. That
Speaker 1: what being in what are you in your twenties? Is
Speaker 1: about awkward buck ups? I mean, come on, did you
Speaker 1: grow up in a household that made you feel really
Speaker 1: bad about everything you did? I think so. I feel
Speaker 1: like I come almost also a very religious backgrounds, like yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the problem. You can't have so much shame, that's
Speaker 1: been ingrained and it's not fair and it's not about you.
Speaker 1: It's just in your body now, So it's on you
Speaker 1: to like shed that because I don't can we even
Speaker 1: call it a mistake. I'm I'm having trouble even accepting
Speaker 1: this as a mistake. I mean, I don't think it's
Speaker 1: that big of a deal. It's like that would be
Speaker 1: hard for me to take seriously as it's like that's
Speaker 1: something I would make a joke about, you know, like
Speaker 1: it was a silly thing. But yeah, your shame is
Speaker 1: coming from your family dynamic and from your religious background,
Speaker 1: and you have to get to a place where you
Speaker 1: understand that human beings make mistakes and all you can
Speaker 1: do is be accountable for that mistake, and then afterwards
Speaker 1: that mistake is over, there's nothing else for you to do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think right now, there is so much conversation
Speaker 1: around consent, and of course that's something that's so important,
Speaker 1: but there is also hooking up at parties. It's a
Speaker 1: thing that happens all of the time. And of course
Speaker 1: you have to take what he said, which is, hey,
Speaker 1: we're cool, it's fine, don't worry about it. You have
Speaker 1: to take that at face value. You know, and I
Speaker 1: think there's some forgiveness of yourself that needs to happen. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think for a very long time I was kind
Speaker 1: of trying to put words in his mouth like you
Speaker 1: should feel really bad about this, like you should be
Speaker 1: mad at me. But I really agree with that. I
Speaker 1: feel like I need to take it at face value
Speaker 1: and just say, like, this is what you told me,
Speaker 1: that it's okay, and I need to be okay with that.
Speaker 1: You also asked him, you asked him if if you
Speaker 1: wanted to have sex, and he said no, And then
Speaker 1: that's that, Like, that's I've had girlfriends who have done
Speaker 1: way more embarrassing things than that. Okay. My girlfriend once
Speaker 1: had sex with a guy and as soon as they
Speaker 1: got undressed, he said, I love you. Can you imagine
Speaker 1: she felt the next day when he told every fucking
Speaker 1: body that she told him she loved him because she
Speaker 1: was wasted and naked and said I love you. And
Speaker 1: he was like, oh my god, I can't even funck
Speaker 1: you now, because what are you talking about? That? That's shame. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's embarrassing. So whenever you're dealing with something, think about
Speaker 1: the more extreme versions of that. You know, you could
Speaker 1: have sat on his lap, pulled your pants down, or
Speaker 1: pulled your boobs out and really made an asset of yourself.
Speaker 1: You didn't do that. You didn't do that. You're sweet
Speaker 1: and you need to forgive yourself and watch an episode
Speaker 1: of Girls Gone Wild to make yourself exactly. And I
Speaker 1: think a good thing to remember is you don't want
Speaker 1: to go through life having no regrets, Like what would
Speaker 1: you learn? What would you take away if you look
Speaker 1: back and you're like, I did everything absolutely perfectly, exactly
Speaker 1: the way I wanted to do it, Like, first of all,
Speaker 1: just not possible. And secondly, like that's how you grow
Speaker 1: and learn. You need those moments that I also agree
Speaker 1: with the two because I think I also from the
Speaker 1: same background, Like I feel like this is the first
Speaker 1: thing that I messed up on, and I think it's
Speaker 1: like a learning experience, and I feel like I'm going
Speaker 1: to start looking at it that way. Yes, yes, because
Speaker 1: there's gonna be other things that you mess up on,
Speaker 1: and you have to practice forgiveness for yourself. There is
Speaker 1: it's a such wasted time to beat yourself up and
Speaker 1: barrate yourself. You know, you have to let it go.
Speaker 1: Just let it go. There's a book called Letting Go,
Speaker 1: but that's a big read. But yeah, use this as
Speaker 1: your first example and make this first time the last
Speaker 1: time that you go through this with yourself and your
Speaker 1: self kind of immolation of it. Yeah, and if you
Speaker 1: do find that you can't get this out of your head,
Speaker 1: that's when it's time to talk to somebody. You know.
Speaker 1: Why does this keep being on spencycle in my mind? Well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for calling in. Give yourself a break. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I give yourself a break, Julia. Go out and have
Speaker 1: another experience with a guy. As soon as you have
Speaker 1: your next experience, that one's going to be forgett if
Speaker 1: you know you're gonna forget about that anyway, that was
Speaker 1: like so virginal, you know. When I talked to her
Speaker 1: a couple like it was like maybe a month and
Speaker 1: a half ago. When I first talked to her, she
Speaker 1: was like fragile, you know, she was just absolutely destroyed.
Speaker 1: And I was like, you need to come on here,
Speaker 1: and oh, yeah, you kissed the boy at a party.
Speaker 1: And when he said no, you stopped. You know one
Speaker 1: thing I wish we had said, I I didn't say,
Speaker 1: can we call her back? She said in her in
Speaker 1: her letter, he said, no, obviously, and the fact that
Speaker 1: she wrote obviously means she just doesn't have any and
Speaker 1: I can relate like self worth, he said, obviously, he
Speaker 1: didn't want to have sex with me. It was crazy.
Speaker 1: It was crazy that I even did that because I
Speaker 1: missed that part ship. Maybe she'll listen now, Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: she's still listening because she will be on the podcast.
Speaker 1: So yeah, no, obviously, there you go. That's your issue
Speaker 1: right there, is that you don't believe that you're worthy
Speaker 1: of somebody being interested in you. That's why you feel
Speaker 1: shamed because you were rejected. And by the way, rejection
Speaker 1: is what makes us all badass and straw bring it on,
Speaker 1: is what I say about rejection. Not too much between
Speaker 1: ten and fifteen. Once a year, Well, our next call
Speaker 1: comes from Marcus. He is one that I was talking
Speaker 1: about that maybe hasn't gotten away from home quickly enough.
Speaker 1: He says. I'm a twenty five year old gay mail
Speaker 1: that was brought up in a very strict orthodox Christian household.
Speaker 1: Although I was able to move out for college, it
Speaker 1: was always under the presumption that i'd moved back, which
Speaker 1: I did. Since then I completed my master's degree, online
Speaker 1: and have been working in my career since it's taboo
Speaker 1: and my family to move out, either before marriage or
Speaker 1: before buying a house. I have two older siblings and
Speaker 1: thirty one who both live at home as well. Although
Speaker 1: I work from home, I leave during the day and
Speaker 1: drive around or work from my office just to get away.
Speaker 1: I have expressed the desire to move out to my
Speaker 1: older siblings and family, and I'm met with shame, discontent,
Speaker 1: and the conversation is shut down altogether. My sister tells
Speaker 1: me to wait until she's married, but I'm tired of
Speaker 1: living life this way. I desperately want to go and
Speaker 1: a room opened up where my friend is living just
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes away. I don't want to lose this opportunity,
Speaker 1: but I know it will enrage my parents to go,
Speaker 1: break their hearts and ultimately lead to a lot of
Speaker 1: chaos for everyone. I'm not religious at all, and I
Speaker 1: had to suffer a lot from being brought up with
Speaker 1: such dogmatic people, especially since I'm gay, which I've not
Speaker 1: had this conversation with them yet. I just want to
Speaker 1: live my life, So what do I do? Sincerely, Marcus Marcus, Hey,
Speaker 1: thanks for having me O. Hi. This is Monica and Catherine.
Speaker 1: Nice to meet you, guys. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Speaker 1: I'm always so amazed by people who are so respectful
Speaker 1: and nice to their parents. I'm just by I know,
Speaker 1: I know, I agree. So what religion are you dealing with?
Speaker 1: Coptic Orthodox Christian Ship. I don't know enough about that.
Speaker 1: We don't know those words. Okay, So they want you
Speaker 1: to stay at home for when until when? It's sort
Speaker 1: of like indefinite. I would say it's just the norm
Speaker 1: to stay until you're either married or you have a
Speaker 1: house to yourself. But I don't think anyone's gonna marry
Speaker 1: me while I live at home, and I don't see
Speaker 1: myself like buying a house anytime soon. So I'm just
Speaker 1: floating around. And do you have a plan in place
Speaker 1: about having this kind of conversation with your parents because
Speaker 1: you definitely should move out. You need to have your
Speaker 1: own identity. Yeah. So I've already kind of like broached
Speaker 1: it with my mom and she hung up on me,
Speaker 1: and we haven't really spoken about it, since that's kind
Speaker 1: of the norm. I would say, like in my household,
Speaker 1: we don't really talk about things. So I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just feel like it's sort of like, don't even
Speaker 1: bring that conversation. It's not even a discussion, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. And I know, Marcus, you mentioned that
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to be kind of a
Speaker 1: buffer for of the family drama as well, so that's
Speaker 1: part of what's keeping you back. Yeah, it's sort of
Speaker 1: like I feel guilty abandoning them because there is so
Speaker 1: much like discordance in the house. I just feel like
Speaker 1: no one really has like tools to navigate that except
Speaker 1: for me, because like I'm the only one that's like
Speaker 1: in therapy and stuff. So I just feel kind of
Speaker 1: like bad leaving. But at the same time, it's like
Speaker 1: I feel like I should leave. Well, I think you
Speaker 1: should leave too, And I think that therapy you can
Speaker 1: use that as a reason why you're leaving, Like you
Speaker 1: understand that the dysfunction in that household is unhealthy for
Speaker 1: you and that you have to remove yourself from that
Speaker 1: situation for your mental health, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And you are gay. You have to be true to
Speaker 1: who that is and true to yourself, and you have
Speaker 1: to go and live a life for yourself, not for
Speaker 1: your parents. You cannot live a life for your family
Speaker 1: or for your parents, and the sooner that you get
Speaker 1: out of there, the sooner that that's going to break open.
Speaker 1: And yeah, it might cause a lot of chaos and
Speaker 1: a lot of disruption, but you know what, it's one
Speaker 1: step in the right direction. It because there is going
Speaker 1: to be a time and a place where your parents
Speaker 1: are going to have to accept that new reality and
Speaker 1: it's not gonna happen while you're still living in their house. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right. I feel like I'm just kind of putting
Speaker 1: a band aid on like a larger issue. Well, you're
Speaker 1: prolonging in your future, like your destiny is waiting for you,
Speaker 1: and you're putting it on hold. Because if you don't
Speaker 1: want to upset your parents, and if you're gonna live
Speaker 1: your life for your parents, then then that's pointless and
Speaker 1: it's a sinking ship that you have to get off of.
Speaker 1: If there's all kinds of turmoil and stuff, they're like,
Speaker 1: remove yours. I'll put your face mask on first and
Speaker 1: leave and then maybe it will help. Maybe it will
Speaker 1: some of the other people in your family will be like, wow,
Speaker 1: he did this, and maybe I could do something for
Speaker 1: myself to like, you don't know, the good it could
Speaker 1: cause also, Yeah, you're right, and you could go from
Speaker 1: being a buffer to being a safe harbor if you're
Speaker 1: not in the middle of everything, if you become the
Speaker 1: sibling with a safe space that's outside of the house. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I know it takes a lot of guts and courage.
Speaker 1: Like I know it's scary to make these kinds of moves,
Speaker 1: but life moves. I think in terms of the universe
Speaker 1: and energy and karma. When you really like stand up
Speaker 1: for yourself. You don't even know what's out there for
Speaker 1: you yet, you know what I mean, what what rewards
Speaker 1: are out there for you, What relationships are out there
Speaker 1: for you? What what the domino effect will have on
Speaker 1: your brothers and that your other family members. It could
Speaker 1: take a long time, but you could have a really
Speaker 1: positive impact on the entire family and their understanding of
Speaker 1: a broader world and not this kind of dogmatic, small thinking,
Speaker 1: narrow mindedness that you've grown up with. You know, any
Speaker 1: Orthodox religion is obviously very very particular, and you're not
Speaker 1: just thinking about yourself, You're thinking about your family, and
Speaker 1: then you're thinking about the whole world, right, and you're
Speaker 1: gonna be doing the world a service by being brave
Speaker 1: enough to face this situation and leave at whatever cost.
Speaker 1: If your parents don't want to speak to you for
Speaker 1: a year, then that fucking sucks. But at least you're
Speaker 1: being true to who you are and that is way
Speaker 1: more valuable than anything else. Yeah, this is an and
Speaker 1: on thing. But like you can't fix other people. We
Speaker 1: all think we can be the one to fix everyone
Speaker 1: around us, and we cannot, and it can become totally
Speaker 1: all consuming. And so it is not your job to
Speaker 1: stay and make sure that the dynamic is positive, Like
Speaker 1: you can't. Yeah, I mean, and it's not like I'm
Speaker 1: really making it positive anyways. I'm sort of just like, well,
Speaker 1: if I'm here, then it can't be terrible. But it's
Speaker 1: not like I'm really helping anything in the first place. No,
Speaker 1: you're not. You need courage. You have to get that courage.
Speaker 1: It's inside of you. Take it and harness it and
Speaker 1: do make a move because what you're doing isn't courageous
Speaker 1: right now. You're just being a part of somebody's story.
Speaker 1: You have to create your own story. Yeah, because I
Speaker 1: have um an opportunity to move out with a friend
Speaker 1: that I have to respond to by this week. You're going, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're going, Yes, you're going. You need to tell them
Speaker 1: the email today or call him or her today that yeah,
Speaker 1: you're gonna it'll be this move. You've got to make
Speaker 1: this move, Marcus. Yeah, right now. I was literally right
Speaker 1: before this, I was like, should I just start packing? Yes,
Speaker 1: yes you should, and you should say it's for your
Speaker 1: mental health that your parents just explain to them that
Speaker 1: you're in therapy. This is what's going to happen. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry if this is hurting you. I'm sorry if this
Speaker 1: is a disruption. But for me to be healthy, I
Speaker 1: have to move out. Okay. And if they hang up,
Speaker 1: they hang up, that's not your job to call back.
Speaker 1: It's not like let that be yes, right and tell
Speaker 1: them you're a therapist, dr handler to talk to him.
Speaker 1: I'm sure they're huge fans. All right, thanks Marcus. Let
Speaker 1: us know how it goes. Okay, thank you, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for having me. Thank you, honey. Oh cute,
Speaker 1: so cute? Oh my god? What the frothodics? Topic pregnancy? Religion?
Speaker 1: What is that? Optic? I optic even Orthodox Christianity Toptic
Speaker 1: Orthodox second, I'm like, coptic, Coptic Orthodox Christianity. Fuck can
Speaker 1: you imagine living with your family and being like in
Speaker 1: that much of a buzzkill situation. I mean, that's the
Speaker 1: definition of a buzz kill. Is an e topic Christian
Speaker 1: Orthodox family. It's illegal in Texas. Well. We have one
Speaker 1: more question. This is just an email, but this comes
Speaker 1: from Jenna. This is Jenna Bush. It's always Jenna Always.
Speaker 1: You can't wait to advise her. I'm writing to you
Speaker 1: today to ask for your advice about how to navigate
Speaker 1: friendships throughout your thirties. I wish more people spoke about
Speaker 1: this specific time of life, as I'm finding it to
Speaker 1: be quite challenging. I'm thirty three years old, married and
Speaker 1: we do not have kids. I'm in graduate studies and
Speaker 1: I'm just getting started in my new career. We have
Speaker 1: a cat and a dog that are like our babies,
Speaker 1: and a nephew that we absolutely adore. I've always had
Speaker 1: a big, tight knit group of friends, and we've shared
Speaker 1: so many amazing memories over the years, like camping weekends together,
Speaker 1: fitness states, parties, all that fun stuff. Over the past
Speaker 1: few years, a lot of my friends have had major
Speaker 1: life changes. Many are having kids now, and some of
Speaker 1: our closest friends have moved across or out of the
Speaker 1: country to chase their dreams. Everything feels like it's changed now.
Speaker 1: Everyone has different priorities and many are not available to
Speaker 1: hang out the way we used to. It really bums
Speaker 1: me out. The friends who have kids I'm so happy for,
Speaker 1: but I have to admit that whenever I find out
Speaker 1: another friend is having a baby, a little part of
Speaker 1: me is sad because I know the friendship will be
Speaker 1: different now. I'm aware that this sounds so selfish, but
Speaker 1: I can't help but feel inadequate, and conversations about kids
Speaker 1: feel like my friends don't think I'm relatable anymore. As
Speaker 1: I get older, I feel increasingly uncomfortable in these group settings,
Speaker 1: as everyone just talks about their kids. My husband and
Speaker 1: I maybe want kids later on. However, we're both in
Speaker 1: care professions that are really emotionally heavy and are living
Speaker 1: with an enormous amount of student debts, so we definitely
Speaker 1: don't feel like we have the capacity to start family
Speaker 1: right now. I can't help but feel so behind everyone else.
Speaker 1: At the same time, I'm happy and so grateful for
Speaker 1: what we do have great health, great career prospects, and
Speaker 1: a really lovely relationship full of adventure. And love. How
Speaker 1: can I get through all of these conversations about kids
Speaker 1: this next decade without feeling like an inadequate, unrelatable asshole.
Speaker 1: All the best, Jenna, I know this, Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: I think the most important Like when she says like
Speaker 1: I'm unrelatable, just just give your two cents, Like when
Speaker 1: people are talking about their kids, I'm sure she has
Speaker 1: an opinion on it. I'm sure just because she doesn't
Speaker 1: have kids doesn't mean she doesn't know kids or is
Speaker 1: around them or have her own opinions, Like you can
Speaker 1: still share them whether or not you're in that club.
Speaker 1: And I also think you can be the one to
Speaker 1: initiate conversations that are not about that. I mean, I
Speaker 1: feel really lucky in my friend group because everyone's married,
Speaker 1: everyone has kids except me, But it doesn't feel like
Speaker 1: that's the main focus. Like the kids are around, but
Speaker 1: we talk about other stuff. But you can be the
Speaker 1: one to be like how about those Dodgers? Um? Yeah.
Speaker 1: And also you don't have to look at the kids
Speaker 1: as an obstacle to a friendship, like it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be that way. You can reframe your thinking and
Speaker 1: look at kids as an additive, like it's a learning
Speaker 1: experience for you to look at all the stuff you
Speaker 1: can soak up by being around all your friends kids,
Speaker 1: especially if you're one day maybe thinking about having them.
Speaker 1: You're thinking about it all like in the negative way.
Speaker 1: So it's kind of about just reframing your headspace and
Speaker 1: like looking at something like, oh, look, this is a
Speaker 1: learning opportunity, or oh look, this is an interesting situation
Speaker 1: that I could get something out of. Even spending time
Speaker 1: with children, like whether you're into them or not, Like
Speaker 1: spending time with children is like illuminating. It's so funny
Speaker 1: cool to hear their perspectives and see how they think,
Speaker 1: and they're unbespurged mind. When a kids see something for
Speaker 1: the first time, it puts two and two together about
Speaker 1: something You're like, oh shit, I never looked at it
Speaker 1: that way, you know. So there there are a lot
Speaker 1: of advantages to having friends with kids, and like they're
Speaker 1: probably fucking jealous of you that you don't have to
Speaker 1: deal with any of those responsibilities. You and your husband
Speaker 1: have careers, and I know you said you work in
Speaker 1: like serious kind of care situation, but you still like
Speaker 1: don't have the responsibility of raising children, and like that's
Speaker 1: also something to be celebrating. Enjoy your time being single
Speaker 1: without those responsibilities. Enjoy your time together you and your husband,
Speaker 1: you're alone time. You never know what the hell is
Speaker 1: going to happen in this world. You never know how
Speaker 1: much time you have with somebody. So instead of looking
Speaker 1: at the things that you don't have, please start thinking
Speaker 1: about the things that you do have, And out of
Speaker 1: gratitude things grow. You know what I mean. When you
Speaker 1: look around and you say thank you for all of this,
Speaker 1: more comes and you get abundance. And so I really
Speaker 1: just think it's your pattern of thinking that you can
Speaker 1: just easily switch around by reading, you know, a couple
Speaker 1: of decent books about spirituality and about recognizing the differences
Speaker 1: that other people are things that can draw you in,
Speaker 1: not push you away. You don't have to be like
Speaker 1: your friends in order to be with your friends. Mmm.
Speaker 1: I love that. Yes. And also like it sounds like
Speaker 1: these friends might have babies at this moment, even though
Speaker 1: she says kids, it sounds recent. They will get more interesting,
Speaker 1: like what Chelsea is talking about, Like kids get funny,
Speaker 1: you can laugh at them. Like when they start to
Speaker 1: get like three, four or five, there'll be a lot
Speaker 1: more entertaining to be and some acceptance that just all
Speaker 1: relationships evolve. So right now it's because of these kids,
Speaker 1: but it would have been something else, or it's going
Speaker 1: to be something else, Like you have to like be
Speaker 1: on that ride and just accept that things things change
Speaker 1: and for the better often. Yeah. Absolutely, Well, Jenna, let
Speaker 1: us know, Jenna Bush, I'm sorry you're going. Yeah, Jenna Bush,
Speaker 1: stop comparing yourself to Barbara comparison. Yeah. Yeah, Jenna has babies.
Speaker 1: She has I think three, and Barbara just had her
Speaker 1: first one. So this is probably Barbara calling posing as Jenna,
Speaker 1: which is also yeah. Yeah, I mean all right, well
Speaker 1: we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back
Speaker 1: with Monica and Chelsea. And we're back. We're back, and Monica, now,
Speaker 1: is there any advice that you'd like to ask for
Speaker 1: from Chelsea? So many things everything now I do I
Speaker 1: do want to ask you about And I think I'm
Speaker 1: sure you've covered this a ton on this show, but um, grief,
Speaker 1: because you I feel like you've done such a beautiful
Speaker 1: job of processing yours. And I just wonder, like when
Speaker 1: you lose something somebody, a relationship, a person, does that
Speaker 1: ever really heal? Does that ever really go? Away or
Speaker 1: do you have to just feel that for the rest
Speaker 1: of your life and accept it and like, no, that's
Speaker 1: a piece of me forever. I think both things can
Speaker 1: be true. Who did you lose? Does just been some
Speaker 1: friendship dynamic changes? Okay? So people, you're not losing someone
Speaker 1: to death? No, no, no, no, then that's why. And
Speaker 1: I think grief can come in all these different forms
Speaker 1: and due to all these different things. And it's like,
Speaker 1: huh is this is this is something that I'm just
Speaker 1: going to be like holding for a long time. I
Speaker 1: have a lot of friendships that have ended, and it
Speaker 1: is something that you hold. It depends on the friendship
Speaker 1: obviously to to what degree. But healing does come into place,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. There is an amount of
Speaker 1: time that makes everything less acute when your feelings are hurt,
Speaker 1: especially and I think the thing that is the key
Speaker 1: to healing is to give out love, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, to give out love and forgiveness, no matter
Speaker 1: what the circumstances are, whether who is right or wrong,
Speaker 1: just to send love to that person, whether you do
Speaker 1: it through meditation or prayer or whatever the funk. You're
Speaker 1: into positive vibes, like it's important to forgive people because
Speaker 1: holding onto that is a crusty notion and that can
Speaker 1: embed itself into yourself and become a very toxic quality
Speaker 1: to be mad at people. So when things change, you
Speaker 1: have to just accept that things are changing, and it
Speaker 1: can be very painful. I've had some very painful friendship
Speaker 1: endings that have taken me years to get past. But yes,
Speaker 1: it all always be a part of you, but it
Speaker 1: will run you, you know, the healing and like understanding
Speaker 1: that people are there at certain parts of your life
Speaker 1: in certain ways and it's not permanent, you know. That's
Speaker 1: the heart For me. That's such because I I need
Speaker 1: so much safety, Like I have grown up like that
Speaker 1: with a lot of fears, So I'm just always searching
Speaker 1: for safety. So when there's proof in the world that
Speaker 1: it's not safe, I just like can't handle. I have
Speaker 1: a hard time handle. Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
Speaker 1: I get that. And but that's also you're trying to
Speaker 1: guarantee the unknown, right and that's a feudal exercise. What
Speaker 1: is a sagacious way to be is to be okay
Speaker 1: with the unknown, to have something that like a left
Speaker 1: you know, a curveball come your way that you're not expecting.
Speaker 1: That is gutting and be like, Okay, I don't want
Speaker 1: to have to deal with this. I don't like this.
Speaker 1: It doesn't make me feel good, but I can deal
Speaker 1: with this and to work through it and to feel
Speaker 1: the feelings, like not to ignore them or pretend they
Speaker 1: don't exist, or posture or anything, but to be real
Speaker 1: with yourself is a real gift. And you know, pain
Speaker 1: does subside, you know, even like if somebody dies it
Speaker 1: feels like it will never go away, and yeah, that
Speaker 1: person is always always going to be gone, but it
Speaker 1: really depends on how you reframe your thinking about that
Speaker 1: and over time you get a healthier relationship with the loss.
Speaker 1: That's that's that's good to hear. I feel like there's
Speaker 1: so much control, you know, there's like such a need
Speaker 1: for control in general for me anyway, and that's such
Speaker 1: a huge piece of it, like all these things you
Speaker 1: can't control, but you're trying to control and everyone it's
Speaker 1: all it is all temporary, I guess. Yeah. I hope
Speaker 1: that helps, Monica, it does, it does, think Chelsea. We
Speaker 1: loved having you as part of the podcast today. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for coming to the Thank oh my God,
Speaker 1: I love the valley. Yeah, there's a California Chicken cafe
Speaker 1: right on around the corner, just in case you were wondering.
Speaker 1: And I saw that, I was like, oh, I love
Speaker 1: those pita chips. And then I thought about going inside
Speaker 1: and standing in line. I was like, not that much.
Speaker 1: I was like, white, who Casey, Carla someone California Chicken.
Speaker 1: Thank you Monica, and it was really lovely. Thank you, Catherine.
Speaker 1: And what's your new podcast called. It's called Race to
Speaker 1: thirty five. Race to thirty five. This is where they
Speaker 1: are going to fertilize their eggs and give us a
Speaker 1: day by day play play by day by day play
Speaker 1: by play, and then of course armchair expert. Right, I'm
Speaker 1: sure expert. Yeah, Spotify on Spotify, And thank you Spotify
Speaker 1: for giving us the gift of Monica Patment and christ Todas. Yes,
Speaker 1: thank you. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just
Speaker 1: send us an email at Dear Chelsea project at gmail
Speaker 1: dot Come. Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and
Speaker 1: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.