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Speaker 1: Okay, I have a beef to pallo everyone. Are you

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Speaker 1: there to me? Are you God? Are you there? God?

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Speaker 1: It's me Chelsea and Catherine, Hi, Catherine. I have a

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Speaker 1: beef to pick with airlines. I'm tell me. First of all,

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Speaker 1: I am so sick and tired of not being able

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Speaker 1: to get on fucking WiFi on a plane when I

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Speaker 1: have an account with Go Go in flight with Delta

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Speaker 1: Joint Go boin Go ship face I it is so

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Speaker 1: annoying that they just don't have the planes outfitted with

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Speaker 1: WiFi for everybody. Stop making me join and have another password.

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Speaker 1: I have a security thing in my phone with all

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Speaker 1: my passwords. There are over a thousand passwords. Now I

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Speaker 1: have a thousand passwords for different things, and I will

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Speaker 1: never even find the password I'm looking for. If I

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Speaker 1: go in there to look for Go Go and flight

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Speaker 1: and then it doesn't allow you to stay online. It

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Speaker 1: kicks you off the whole flight. It kicks you off,

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Speaker 1: kicks you off, kicks you off and then But somehow

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Speaker 1: I always see other people, other people can do it

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Speaker 1: just fine. They're they're not being kicked off. So like

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Speaker 1: I know that I have a disconnect with technology, just

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Speaker 1: like I have a new my my assistant Casey, well

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Speaker 1: that's Carlo's assistant. Let's just be clear. My assistant has

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Speaker 1: her own assistant. And he's like, the speaker system at

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Speaker 1: the house doesn't work because nothing ever works at any

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Speaker 1: of my homes music. There's just no chance of anything

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Speaker 1: going smiftly with music. And by the time I get

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Speaker 1: it working, I can't remember what I like to listen to.

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Speaker 1: So he's like, oh, we'll get and get Alexa. I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, great, let's get Alexa. It's about time

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Speaker 1: I have Alexa that does even Alexa doesn't listen to me,

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Speaker 1: she doesn't. I can put my speaker on one speaker,

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Speaker 1: I can't put the rest of the speakers on, so

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Speaker 1: I can only play music in one room. So I

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Speaker 1: have to blast it and then stay away from that

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Speaker 1: room where it's blasting because it's too loud in that room.

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Speaker 1: This is so complicated, it's so annoying. I definitely think

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Speaker 1: I'm I have a hex, like a technology hex on me,

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Speaker 1: and and I want to say to airline, you're already

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Speaker 1: fucking losing, you know, you already guys suck you guys

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Speaker 1: suck right now, not not slight attendants. I love my

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Speaker 1: flight attendance, and I love pilots, especially when they're sober.

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Speaker 1: But I don't flights are being canceled because there's not

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Speaker 1: enough people working. Yeah, people don't want to work. I

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Speaker 1: get it. I don't get that, actually, but I get

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Speaker 1: it that that's happening. Planes are so dirty and so gross,

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Speaker 1: now grosser than they were before COVID. We didn't learn

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Speaker 1: anything about cleaning planes. When they say we're cleaning, we're cleaning,

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Speaker 1: cleaning before they work over the side of your arms

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Speaker 1: to see what's in there. Every flight, I look and

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Speaker 1: I'm like horrified. Because Carlave, my assistant, travels with wet

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Speaker 1: wipes all the time. She's always cleaning. She's responsible. She

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Speaker 1: still wears the mask, you know, wherever she goes. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I when I see her wearing a mask, I put

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Speaker 1: my mask on. You know, I'm like, what am I doing?

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Speaker 1: Why she's right? Why am I not wearing especially on

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Speaker 1: a plane when the germs are where I could see

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Speaker 1: the germs. But this WiFi thing is maddening. It is.

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Speaker 1: And she just put WiFi on every plane so that

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Speaker 1: everyone could get on for free, and like make it

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Speaker 1: free so that we're We're all happy and content and

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Speaker 1: like lost in the blue screen. Yeah, we're all online.

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Speaker 1: Everyone's online. Stop making a barrier of entry and stop

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Speaker 1: making pass codes that are like w littwer case C

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Speaker 1: upper case zero lower case you fuck you. Who do

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Speaker 1: you think is coming in to break into your fucking WiFi?

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Speaker 1: Who is that? Especially now thirty so annoying, Chelsea. I

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Speaker 1: have to tell you about a woman I sat next

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Speaker 1: to on the plane. Thank god, she was across the

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Speaker 1: aisle from me and not next to me. But she

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Speaker 1: was an older woman. She chose that day to not

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Speaker 1: wear a bra and were a very cleany shirt, which

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Speaker 1: you know, to each their own, but I could tell

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Speaker 1: she had like cookie grandma vibes from the minute she

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Speaker 1: came on there I was sitting, I would not have

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Speaker 1: doubted it. She proceeded to remove her shoes and not

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Speaker 1: only placed them on the seat in front of her

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Speaker 1: her feet, she placed them on the arm rest of

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Speaker 1: the person in front of her. She placed them inside

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Speaker 1: the seat back pockets. I've done that. I mean when

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Speaker 1: I was when I was in my twenties and I

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Speaker 1: was hungover on a plane, But not today. This woman

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Speaker 1: was not hungover. She was fully mainlining straight vodka on

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Speaker 1: the rocks the entire flight and playing video poker out

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Speaker 1: loud with the sound on. No no, no, no, no no.

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Speaker 1: I fucking hate that. How it was. It was a

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Speaker 1: lot when people have their phones on and I have

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Speaker 1: air pods and I have to say something. Yeah. Thankfully

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Speaker 1: she only did it for like ten minutes before she

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Speaker 1: passed out. But the real deal breaker for me was

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Speaker 1: she kept reaching over to pet Mimsy, my dog was

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Speaker 1: with me, and you know, at first it was fine,

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Speaker 1: but it was not fine after she proceeded to massage

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Speaker 1: her feet, her bare feet with her hands, and then

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Speaker 1: like eat chips and suck on her fingers. After that,

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Speaker 1: I was like, no, no, we're done petting the dog.

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Speaker 1: But this woman, this this was the cardinal send to me.

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Speaker 1: She chose to go to the airport bathroom two times

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Speaker 1: with no shoes on on the airplane. On the airplane

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Speaker 1: where you know, men are like jiggling around and they

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Speaker 1: can't aim very well and there's p all over the floor.

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Speaker 1: I just was like, oh, I couldn't handle it. No,

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Speaker 1: that sounds so disgusting. The whole thing is so gross

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Speaker 1: and uncouth like honestly, and and this is coming from me,

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Speaker 1: someone who doesn't have any dignity at all. I mean, honestly,

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Speaker 1: that is so gross. We were on a flight earlier

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Speaker 1: to New York and this woman brought a cat on board,

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Speaker 1: and then she took the cat out, and after everyone

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Speaker 1: who walked by her, she'd be like, are you allergic?

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Speaker 1: Are you allergic? And everyone's like yeah, yeah, like five

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Speaker 1: people out of the seven. She asked that we're sitting

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Speaker 1: around our area. I was behind her, or were allergic? Everyone?

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Speaker 1: And I got so finally I said to her, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: why do you keep asking people if they're allergic if

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Speaker 1: you're not putting the cat away? And she just looked

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Speaker 1: at me and she goes, I think some people are

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Speaker 1: just allergic to life, I go, and some people are

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Speaker 1: allergic to cats. I'm not because I I don't. I

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Speaker 1: just don't like cats. I prefer not to be hanging

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Speaker 1: out with cats. But but I mean, I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: have an allergic reaction to a cat. But I was like,

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Speaker 1: stop asking people, like you're basically using the cat as

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Speaker 1: a conversation starter. And then ender you know, if you

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Speaker 1: don't want to get into the details, don't get into

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Speaker 1: the details anyway, Airlines, I really hope you guys step

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Speaker 1: your fucking shit up, because this is gross already. What's happening?

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Speaker 1: I mean, we really need someone's calling you. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it's someone important, scam likely scam scam. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know. It happens all day long. This is sort

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Speaker 1: of a secret life hack. I get a lot of

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Speaker 1: sort of scammy calls from where I'm from because my

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Speaker 1: zip code, not my zip code, my area code, is

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Speaker 1: still from my hometown many states away. So I know

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Speaker 1: if I'm getting a call from like Moleen, Illinois, not

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Speaker 1: to pick it up. Yeah, it's pretty great wherever you

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Speaker 1: live in the country. If you're getting a call from

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Speaker 1: mole In, Illinois, don't pick it up. Do not pick

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Speaker 1: it up. All right, Well, let's get to our guest

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Speaker 1: for today. We have a great guest today. She is

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Speaker 1: a producer and the co host of Armchair Expert, and

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Speaker 1: she has a new upcoming fertility related podcast that we

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Speaker 1: can't show the name of yet, but her name is

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Speaker 1: Monica Padmint and we're happy to have you. Hi, Monica, Hi, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy to have you here. I am so

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Speaker 1: flattered to be here. I can't believe I got the email.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean you can't believe it? Especially without Dax.

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Speaker 1: I'm sick of seeing you with Dax. I mean, listen,

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Speaker 1: you guys have created a quite an extraordinary podcast. Congratulations

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Speaker 1: on that, because I know you guys just signed a

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Speaker 1: huge deal. Shout out. Sorry, I heart right, yeah, fuck you,

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Speaker 1: I heart fuck you. But that's well deserved. Thank me.

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Speaker 1: Years and years of really hard work and amazing interviews

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Speaker 1: across the board, whether it be a like celebrity a

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Speaker 1: neurophysicist as you meant, a celebrity neurophysicist gynecologist is how

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Speaker 1: I like to classify myself. And then you have another

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Speaker 1: podcast that's coming out, Yeah, I mean, we have a

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Speaker 1: a Jillian podcast. To be fair, We we just keep

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Speaker 1: doing more and more and more. But I do have

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Speaker 1: one coming out that's me and Liz Plank. You know

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Speaker 1: Liz Playing. She has a master's in gender. She's on

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Speaker 1: CNN all the time talking about she's the best seller

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Speaker 1: on like copy that how men are Wonderful and bad.

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Speaker 1: She's perfect. And we're doing a podcast. We're gonna freeze

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Speaker 1: our eggs at the same time, and we're going to

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Speaker 1: follow that process We're going to check in every day

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Speaker 1: and like see how we are, while also talking to

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Speaker 1: different people with different fertility stories. Everyone has one. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know. My friend just posted something and I was

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Speaker 1: reading and I'm like, I don't even understand what the

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Speaker 1: hell she was talking about, because I'm so not well

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Speaker 1: versed in fertility. No one is. No one's taught anything

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Speaker 1: because women related. It's a female issue, So why would

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Speaker 1: anybody have to educate themselves on the matter. Exactly? Did

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Speaker 1: you see that disgusting documentary our Father speaking of infertility?

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Speaker 1: I'm so scared. Yeah, it's pretty creepy, you guys. It's

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Speaker 1: the story of a doctor who inseminated his own semen

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Speaker 1: into all of his patients. Not all, but he has

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Speaker 1: like a hundred children out there and they all found

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Speaker 1: each other on twenty three and me, I'm like, wait

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Speaker 1: a second. I'm like, first of all, I didn't know

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Speaker 1: you could find siblings on tree and right, I think

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Speaker 1: there's an option where you put yourself on there is

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Speaker 1: to say like I'm looking, or you keep it quiet. Oh,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's hilarious. Started to diverge us, but malt

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Speaker 1: We had Malcolm Gladwell on recently and he did that,

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Speaker 1: and a sibling came up and he was like, oh my,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I have a twin. It was a twin.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I have a twin that my mom

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Speaker 1: didn't tell me about. What do I do? And do it?

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Speaker 1: Do I confront her about? I can't confront her. My

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Speaker 1: mom's a twin. Why would she do this? And turns

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Speaker 1: out it was him again. It was again. It was

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Speaker 1: just like a weird fluke in the system and it

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Speaker 1: was just him. That's so stupid. What a ways some

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Speaker 1: time and right I was laughing so hard. Oh my god.

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Speaker 1: We actually had someone right into us who was like,

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Speaker 1: I'm a product of one of these creepy doctors. So gross,

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Speaker 1: so gross. Yeah, and she and her mom are advocates

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Speaker 1: now for like I gotta get these people on the pod. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I got to look into it. Actually, that's a great

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Speaker 1: documentary for you to watch for you, Yeah, because there's

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Speaker 1: one girl who spearheads the whole thing, and she's the

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Speaker 1: one who contacts each sibling that pops up because a

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Speaker 1: lot of these people, you know, were married to their

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Speaker 1: husbands but couldn't get pregnant, so they thought they were

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Speaker 1: being inseminated by their husband's were only to find out

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Speaker 1: twenty years later that their child is someone else's child.

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Speaker 1: Imagine the disruption. I mean, that's just like I mean,

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Speaker 1: and the guy's not in jail, he's not he's from

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Speaker 1: some Republican state because it's not technically illegal. There's some

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Speaker 1: weird loophole. Yeah, there's a loophole where a doctor could

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Speaker 1: go jerk off in a room and then come back

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Speaker 1: and put it in someone's vagina. So that's nice loophole. Guys. Monica,

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about the story of you meeting

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Speaker 1: Dax and Christian because I didn't know that you were

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Speaker 1: their babysitter. I was, that's so funny. I know, so

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Speaker 1: your babies have for Dax first babysat for them. Well

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Speaker 1: I did, I was, you know, I came out here

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Speaker 1: to act. So I did an episode of House Civilize

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Speaker 1: on which I played Kristen's assistant. Life art very simple,

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Speaker 1: and she had just had her first kid, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, well, I also, baby said, that's really how

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Speaker 1: I make money, So if you ever need one, let

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Speaker 1: me know, and then she called a couple of weeks later.

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Speaker 1: Some then I was like, sporadically, Date Night babysitting for

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Speaker 1: them while they went to the foot spall and then

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Speaker 1: they had their second and they needed a little bit

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Speaker 1: more help. So they were like, do you want to

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Speaker 1: come on more full time? And at first I was

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Speaker 1: like no, because I am an actor and I need

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Speaker 1: I need time for my auditions in Santa Monica, so

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Speaker 1: you need time to prepare. So they were like, will

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Speaker 1: make that work, like you can go on auditions. It's fine,

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Speaker 1: Well we'll figure it out. And I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: why not. But I really was like, I don't don't

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Speaker 1: want to babysit again. I had already babies, had that

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Speaker 1: I worked as a soule cycle, as a big as

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Speaker 1: a big departure from babysitting. I was like, but I

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Speaker 1: love these guys. They're so fun and great. And then

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Speaker 1: it just like slowly started happening. Once Delta, their second,

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Speaker 1: went to preschool, christ and was like, well, we still

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Speaker 1: want to keep you around, but we don't need you

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Speaker 1: as much babysitting wise, do you want to do more

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Speaker 1: assistant work? And I was like sure, So then I

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Speaker 1: did that and then I started like writing stuff for her,

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Speaker 1: and then we kind of partnered up, and then Dax

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Speaker 1: was like the thing. I went to a podcast and

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh help, I'll figure it out. Oh wow,

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Speaker 1: it just like it is. And I mean, I have

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Speaker 1: to give them so much credit because I don't most

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Speaker 1: people would just be like, stay in your stay in

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Speaker 1: your lane, please. And that's actually what Kristen said when

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Speaker 1: she was on this Really, that's exactly a quote that

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Speaker 1: Kristen was talking about. When she becomes in videous of

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Speaker 1: other actresses getting parts or having different kinds of careers

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Speaker 1: than she has, that Dax would say stay in your lane,

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Speaker 1: stay in your lane, which I think is kind of like.

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Speaker 1: I don't like that phrase day in your lane because

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Speaker 1: I don't want to. As soon as someone tells me

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Speaker 1: to stay in my lane, there is no I'm dumping

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Speaker 1: in all the lane is gone. But I think he

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Speaker 1: meant more, don't try to be who you're not, right,

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Speaker 1: But he's problematic phrasing. Yeah, well that's his whole problem.

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Speaker 1: That's why he needs you as a co host. I

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Speaker 1: thought I thought you actually maybe four das, not the

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Speaker 1: two kids that now that Yeah, And I think that

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Speaker 1: since Delta is named now after a variant, that she

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Speaker 1: should take das. Should you have to take Delta's name

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Speaker 1: and Delta should take taxes. But I do love their

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Speaker 1: whole friend group, all of you guys, like you guys

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Speaker 1: have a nice, tight knit group. I feel like I

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Speaker 1: kind of know you guys just by watching you guys

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Speaker 1: on Instagram, and you talk a lot about not having

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Speaker 1: had a boyfriend. Tell me about that. It is. So

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Speaker 1: we did Kimmel and he was like, so you've never

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Speaker 1: had to see his boyfriend and I I was like, like,

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Speaker 1: I was so. I could not believe he was saying

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Speaker 1: that out loud on the show. And then he was like, well,

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Speaker 1: you did a show on it and I was like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I forgot. I told everyone already that it's like you forget.

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Speaker 1: Forget everyone knows, but yeah, I mean, no, I haven't.

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Speaker 1: I have so many issues around dating. And also before that,

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Speaker 1: I really was like I can't get one when I

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Speaker 1: was in middle school and high school when I started

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Speaker 1: liking boys, and I'm sure it was picking specifically, but

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Speaker 1: I couldn't get one. And then it taught me like

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Speaker 1: it really implanted a narrative about myself that like you won't,

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Speaker 1: you can't, like you don't deserve it, or you're not worthy,

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Speaker 1: you know all those things. Then I morphed more into

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Speaker 1: I would pick people who definitely were unattainable, and then

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Speaker 1: if they started to become more attainable, if they were like, oh, Monica,

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Speaker 1: then I'd be like, no, something's wrong with you now

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Speaker 1: because you like me. If you like me, there's a problem.

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Speaker 1: You're no hunger appealing to me. It's right exactly. So

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Speaker 1: you know, it's been that whole thing, and I'm in

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Speaker 1: therapy and I'm working on it, and our show helped,

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Speaker 1: like Monica and Jess, that show helped, but that was

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Speaker 1: like right before the pandemic and then and then I

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Speaker 1: stopped doing anything. Yeah, I mean that sounds like it's

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Speaker 1: a definite inside job, but I can relate to starting

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Speaker 1: to believe a narrative about yourself for so long. I

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Speaker 1: also felt like, even though I've had loves and boyfriends

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Speaker 1: and stuff like I I there have been times where

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm not marriage material, Like I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to be that person. I'm not somebody that anyone

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Speaker 1: would even propose to. I'm not going to have that

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Speaker 1: or I'm not going to have anything traditional in that sense.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to have a life partner I've had

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Speaker 1: all those thoughts. But yeah, so you've never had a boyfriend. Wow,

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Speaker 1: I know it's really weird to say even still, yeah,

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Speaker 1: and how old are you? I'm about to be thirty five? Okay,

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Speaker 1: Well good, I hope that this is we're coming upon

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Speaker 1: a big transition in your life. Well, if anyone wants

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Speaker 1: to spray my eggs, I will have some eggs available.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, I don't know. That's sort

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Speaker 1: of the whole thing. But I'm just freezing them to see, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, some insurance for the future, I guess, but

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Speaker 1: also like because I don't even I don't know if

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Speaker 1: I want kids, I'm not sure, but I want the option,

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Speaker 1: you know. And it's already been interesting because I had

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Speaker 1: a call with my doctor yesterday and so I've been

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Speaker 1: on birth control for like ironically, I've been on birth

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Speaker 1: control for since I was eighteen or something. I's got

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Speaker 1: on it for my skin and then I've just been

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Speaker 1: on it. And she was like, well, it's gonna affect

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Speaker 1: your count, probably you should get off of it for

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Speaker 1: a few months before and I was like, no, it's

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Speaker 1: like I'm not doing that. I'm not changing my daily operations.

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Speaker 1: For this thing that I don't even know if I

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Speaker 1: want that, And so I like got really in my

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Speaker 1: head about it and I didn't get off birth control.

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Speaker 1: And then she called me. She was like, Okay, so

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Speaker 1: like everything looks good. We like your account does look

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Speaker 1: a little smaller than it would normally be. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, fuck that birth control, Like I should have

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Speaker 1: done it. You know, it's like it's already and I

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Speaker 1: don't even know. I don't even know if I'm going

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Speaker 1: to use them. Yeah, a lot of conversations going on

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Speaker 1: in your head. Yes, that feel like I shouldn't be

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Speaker 1: thinking about this. I don't even have a partner, I

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Speaker 1: don't have like why, but women are forced to think

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Speaker 1: about it. Where did you grow up, Georgia? M what city? Duluth?

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Speaker 1: Like half hour outside of Land. Okay, so was it conservative?

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Speaker 1: Is that more liberal? To Luth? Now it is more liberal.

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Speaker 1: It's like one of the counties that's blue. I was

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Speaker 1: gonna say, well, you can't get more conservative, but I'm

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Speaker 1: sorry you can't forgotten you can get more conservative. Oh yes, unfortunately, Yes,

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Speaker 1: there were like two blue counties. My family lives in

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Speaker 1: one of them. And it is I mean, it's it

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Speaker 1: was suburbs. It wasn't like down South or anything like that.

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Speaker 1: But yes, there's a conservative undertone obviously to that whole state,

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Speaker 1: so it wasn't too bad. I mean, I think once

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Speaker 1: I left is when I really could see the differences.

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Speaker 1: I know. I think that's the whole point of leaving,

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Speaker 1: is to actually expand your brain and have your thinking

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Speaker 1: challenged exactly. I mean, just to have your like understanding

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Speaker 1: of the fact that where you live and grow up.

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Speaker 1: Like when I meet people or I know, people from

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Speaker 1: high school that still live in this hound that I

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Speaker 1: grew up in, I'm like, what kind of life experience

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Speaker 1: have you had? What are you doing? You live next

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Speaker 1: door to your fucking mother? I know, I know, yeah

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Speaker 1: I try. You know. That's my instinct too, is to

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Speaker 1: be like, yikes, Like with my friends who still live

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Speaker 1: at home and a lot of them are married there,

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Speaker 1: We're all still very close, and a lot of them

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Speaker 1: are married to their high school sweethearts, and yeah, they

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Speaker 1: live near their family, and and I'm like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: if I had done that, it would have been so different.

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Speaker 1: But then I see them and I'm like, it's working

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Speaker 1: for them, it wouldn't work for me. I don't think,

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Speaker 1: which is why I left. But for them, I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, like their lives will seem happy. And

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Speaker 1: I'm trying not. I'm just trying not to make mass judgments,

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Speaker 1: which I want to do all the time, and I'm

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Speaker 1: trying hard not to. And what are you doing to

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Speaker 1: actively start dating? Are you on any of these websites?

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Speaker 1: I'm going on this podcast so that somebody will reach it.

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Speaker 1: You have a man. Straight guys listen to this podcast,

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Speaker 1: that's for sure. Yeah, we have one straight guy that

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Speaker 1: works on the podcast, and that's Catherine's husband. Okay, unavailable.

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Speaker 1: We did have a straight man that came on the podcast, right,

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Speaker 1: he called it. He was black, of course, because there

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Speaker 1: would be no straight white male that it would listen

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Speaker 1: to this podcast and then stop listening and just sucking

386
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Speaker 1: blow his brains out and be like, oh my god,

387
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Speaker 1: why am I such an asshole? But yeah, you have

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Speaker 1: to be actively dating because you're a catch, thank you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and you deserve to be loved and to love I know,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I know I know that intellectually. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: a matter of knowing it emotionally, you know, like do

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Speaker 1: you have this like you must because you're so smart

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Speaker 1: and successful that like where your your brain is not

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Speaker 1: matching your feelings. No, but yeah, there's dissonance for sure

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Speaker 1: at times with my brain and my but I mean

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00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,000
Speaker 1: it's an an intellectual knowing. I feel like emotional knowing

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Speaker 1: is like gut it all, and an intellectual knowing is

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Speaker 1: more powerful than your gut in something you know. And

399
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Speaker 1: so I feel like when you know something in your head,

400
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Speaker 1: you can infuse that into your gut and it's like

401
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,439
Speaker 1: a self conversation and you have to keep implementing that

402
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,879
Speaker 1: thought inside your brain so that it becomes part of

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Speaker 1: who you are, your body, so that you know, I

404
00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:34,360
Speaker 1: mean if as long as you're here, you deserve that

405
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,360
Speaker 1: interaction to be able to be lit up by somebody,

406
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Speaker 1: and to light somebody up is a huge gift. And

407
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,640
Speaker 1: look what you're doing, and like how many people love

408
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,840
Speaker 1: what you do and listen to what you say. You know,

409
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,520
Speaker 1: like imagine if you could have like a direct impact,

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Speaker 1: that's just gonna be so special when you do find somebody,

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Speaker 1: I think. So, I mean, look, I also I I

412
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Speaker 1: know that that's like what we're supposed to do on Earth.

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Speaker 1: It's like love people and be loved like I know

414
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Speaker 1: that's the real crux of it and the joy. So

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Speaker 1: I do feel like as much as I get so

416
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,159
Speaker 1: much fulfillment from all these things, I'm like, I'm missing

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00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,399
Speaker 1: a thing like I do know it. Yeah, that's how

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Speaker 1: I feel about children, Like I'm gonna miss that love.

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Speaker 1: I'll never know that love. Did you make an active

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Speaker 1: decision to not? I just have never had any desire

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Speaker 1: to do that? None, zero less than zero. You're coming

422
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,280
Speaker 1: on our podcast, Well, you're actually you have I have

423
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,320
Speaker 1: less than zero interest. It sounds like you have zero

424
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,760
Speaker 1: plus one interest because your commitment to your fertilization of

425
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 1: eggs were what even giving up birth control, you might

426
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,400
Speaker 1: as well fertilize my eggs. I can see what kind

427
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,280
Speaker 1: of it and see what kind of fritata comes after that.

428
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,520
Speaker 1: Um okay, So Monica, we're gonna give it real life

429
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,159
Speaker 1: advice to people. They call in and they zoom in

430
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,760
Speaker 1: Catherine to give us the low down of what we can. Well,

431
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 1: first we have to take a break, right, we take

432
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,320
Speaker 1: a bubble back at the beginning of the episode, behind

433
00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,679
Speaker 1: that curtain, So just get undressed. We'll keep the cameras

434
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,159
Speaker 1: on because this is pro This is post me too,

435
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:07,479
Speaker 1: and we want every positivity. Absolutely. Okay, we're gonna take

436
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:13,160
Speaker 1: a break and we'll be right back, and we're back.

437
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 1: We're back with Monica Padmin and Catherine Hi Hi, Hi. Well.

438
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,040
Speaker 1: We have a lot in store for us today. And

439
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,679
Speaker 1: I love it when it works out that what you

440
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,679
Speaker 1: guys have talked about is all the same things that

441
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,880
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about. We've got people who aren't

442
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:32,560
Speaker 1: moving away from home, We've got love connections. Let's get

443
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: right into it. We actually, in a break from tradition,

444
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:40,040
Speaker 1: have a coller first. We usually have an emaila have

445
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:44,439
Speaker 1: you ever had a caller yet? Never? I've never had

446
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:49,240
Speaker 1: a phone call. Wow, it's exciting. Welcome, Welcome to the

447
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:53,480
Speaker 1: wild world of Zoom. This question comes from Nicole. She says,

448
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, subject line is my boyfriend is a helicopter

449
00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 1: dog dad. I've been dating my boyfriend a little over

450
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 1: a year and I know he's the one We rarely

451
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:06,880
Speaker 1: have conflicts unless it involves our dogs. He is an

452
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,639
Speaker 1: overly cautious helicopter dog dad and I am the opposite.

453
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,439
Speaker 1: He has a thirty pound spaniel that's softer than baby food.

454
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,240
Speaker 1: The dog is riddled with anxiety over any loud noise,

455
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 1: has terrible vision, causing him to run into things, and

456
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,120
Speaker 1: gets diarrhea from anything that's not his own food. These

457
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,879
Speaker 1: characteristics have only increased my boyfriend's own unmedicated anxiety and

458
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,479
Speaker 1: cause him to watch the dogs every move, including carrying

459
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,240
Speaker 1: him down porch steps and fear he'll fall down them,

460
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,000
Speaker 1: and following him around the yard, not allowing him to

461
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,920
Speaker 1: nibble on anything. I, on the other hand, have an

462
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:46,439
Speaker 1: extremely playful, sixty pound husky mix. My boyfriend loves my

463
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,960
Speaker 1: dog very much, but having the two dogs together causes

464
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,520
Speaker 1: him a lot of stress. He breaks up play fights

465
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,159
Speaker 1: almost immediately, gets frustrated when they steal each other's toys,

466
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,680
Speaker 1: and is unable to focus on much else because he's

467
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 1: constantly watching them. I try to respect this because I

468
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,359
Speaker 1: agree it's annoying, but sometimes I just want to shout

469
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:07,240
Speaker 1: let them be dogs. We only sleep over at each

470
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,480
Speaker 1: other's places once a weekend because of their energy. We

471
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,760
Speaker 1: have our own places, but he recently bought a house

472
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,600
Speaker 1: with the intention that I will eventually move in. I'm

473
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: more than ready to take that step, and he is too.

474
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,399
Speaker 1: If it weren't for the animal chaos, I've offered to

475
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,480
Speaker 1: hire a trainer. I regularly suggested that we had just

476
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,560
Speaker 1: immersed them in more time together in order to get

477
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 1: them more acclimated. He's receptive to this, But then his

478
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,080
Speaker 1: dog woke up a few weeks ago unable to walk,

479
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,679
Speaker 1: and he began walking later that day, acting completely normal.

480
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: My dog hasn't been allowed around him in over two weeks,

481
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,639
Speaker 1: meaning we also haven't had any overnights. He also canceled

482
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 1: our cooking class that was part of my birthday present,

483
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,720
Speaker 1: as well as a golf trip he was supposed to

484
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 1: take too long. I mean, this is the cutdown Bard.

485
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 1: I'm concerned that his overly cautious parenting is going to

486
00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 1: cause issues when we raise our own children one day,

487
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,400
Speaker 1: and I'm beginning to resent the situation for holding back

488
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:08,199
Speaker 1: our relationship. So my question for you is, how do

489
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 1: I express my concern that he's too overbearing and it's

490
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 1: only causing his dog and me to become more anxious

491
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,359
Speaker 1: as a result. And how do I get us to

492
00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:19,240
Speaker 1: the place of being ready to live together without allowing

493
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 1: the dogs to dictate that Timeline Nicole, Hi, Nicole, this

494
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 1: is Monica. She's our special guest today and you've met Catherine.

495
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 1: Hello Monica, God, your boyfriend sounds so sorry to use

496
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,800
Speaker 1: this word, but annoying, you know, I mean, God, it's

497
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,400
Speaker 1: like a fucking this is like serious, like his dog

498
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:47,600
Speaker 1: has overtaken the entire situation. He really has yes to

499
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,400
Speaker 1: say with love. It is annoying. Yes, this has been

500
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,440
Speaker 1: our one point of contention. As I was telling Katherine,

501
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,120
Speaker 1: I mean, everything else in our relationship is just so

502
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 1: easy and natural and everything that I've looked for on

503
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 1: the boxes to check off. Um, so this is just

504
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,240
Speaker 1: the one that I'm trying to find my own acceptance

505
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:12,760
Speaker 1: of his parenting style. But yeah, just it holding us back. Okay,

506
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 1: So has there been any conversation about going to an

507
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: actual dog therapist for both him and the dog dog therapist? No,

508
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 1: we do have a trainer that will start this coming

509
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 1: weekend in home sessions with both dogs. So yes, I'm

510
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 1: very much looking forward to that. At this stage, he

511
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 1: is unapologetic of how he is. I think there's childhood

512
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:38,879
Speaker 1: trauma that I pair with it if I try to

513
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 1: really dig deep in why he is so overly cautious.

514
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: But there's a deeper thing happening, I think, and look,

515
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:47,920
Speaker 1: I'm not, And you're gonna be mad at me for

516
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: saying this. Maybe already know, but I'm not a dog person,

517
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 1: so you know, take this with a grain of salt

518
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,239
Speaker 1: a little bit, I guess. But it does seem like

519
00:26:55,320 --> 00:27:00,480
Speaker 1: he's putting that dog above you, the human, and that's

520
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: the crux for me of the issue. Yes, and I've

521
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 1: brought that up. He doesn't see it that way, So

522
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 1: that's why I'm seeking help of how to just bridge

523
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,080
Speaker 1: that conversation. Yeah, I think that first of all, you

524
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,920
Speaker 1: have a legitimate reason to be discussing this with him.

525
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 1: Any avoidance of going to therapy is kind of an

526
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,679
Speaker 1: excusable at this point in the world and in society,

527
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,720
Speaker 1: it's not cool to not be open to that. And

528
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 1: if you're talking about having children with him and he's

529
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 1: using this behavior with his dog, you have every right

530
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 1: to be concerned about it, Like, yeah, how are you

531
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,359
Speaker 1: going to have a future with this guy if he

532
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,280
Speaker 1: can't handle what has dog walking around the yard? I mean,

533
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,959
Speaker 1: I understand it's a special situation with the dog, but

534
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,200
Speaker 1: like he's got to learn how some coping mechanisms and yeah,

535
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: childhood trauma is going to bite you in the ass.

536
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 1: It doesn't go away. It hurts you. It will come

537
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,119
Speaker 1: and get you for all of us, yes, all for

538
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 1: all of us, even her unfertilized eggs. It's gonna get.

539
00:27:56,359 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 1: They're gonna get the trauma, and they're gonna probably m Yeah,

540
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:03,679
Speaker 1: you've got to really impress that upon him. I mean

541
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 1: there's also a way, Like when I say dog therapist,

542
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,159
Speaker 1: I mean like for the owner, the trainer is a

543
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 1: great start, and hopefully that will work, but if it

544
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 1: doesn't exhaust other possibilities, try and get a dog therapist

545
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,640
Speaker 1: that can actually help a dog owner communicate with their dog,

546
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: helped a dog because his anxiety is only leading to

547
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 1: more dog anxiety. The two are feeding off of each

548
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,920
Speaker 1: other so clearly. And you can raise the concern obviously,

549
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 1: like you've already said with love about moving forward in

550
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 1: your life, like this is actually becoming a concern for

551
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: you and you want to figure out what to do

552
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 1: about it. You have to kind of introduce that in

553
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,720
Speaker 1: a way like that is a non negotiable for moving forward,

554
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:45,760
Speaker 1: because the situation sounds like it's become untenable. It has, Yes,

555
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 1: I mean I've they've never been left alone together, and

556
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 1: we've been together for over a year. The dogs have

557
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 1: never been left alone in the house together. My parents

558
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 1: have only met his dog a handful of times and

559
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 1: word together all of the time, so that it puts

560
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 1: a very r on our social outings because we just

561
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,880
Speaker 1: have to get back to separate homes with the dogs.

562
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,320
Speaker 1: At the same time, he could very well be moving

563
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: for work as soon as six months, and we've already

564
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: had that discussion that I would be going with. So hey,

565
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,720
Speaker 1: are we going to go from zero to one hundred overnight?

566
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,760
Speaker 1: Like we need to start building this and I just

567
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,240
Speaker 1: at action yet. Okay, Well, that's actually great first action

568
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 1: for you to take. I mean, you're on the right track.

569
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,880
Speaker 1: You sound pretty sensible pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

570
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,840
Speaker 1: you should have that conversation with him, for sure. But

571
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:32,720
Speaker 1: I mean I think there are more How old is

572
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: his dog? Will he die soon? Can you put him

573
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 1: down when he's at work one day? That's terrible? Oh

574
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 1: my god, oh my god? And how old your dog?

575
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: To okay, because yeah, we're in it. Okay, Well, I mean, listen,

576
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 1: the trainer is gonna come. If that doesn't work out,

577
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 1: then that leads you to the next conversation. You've exhausted

578
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 1: that possibility. If it doesn't work out, hopefully it will

579
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 1: and you can talk about a dog therapist or a

580
00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 1: real therapist, and what about a couple's therapists for the

581
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: two of you. It's always helpful to have like a

582
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 1: third party there who can say to his face, hey,

583
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:16,560
Speaker 1: this is a little bit unreasonable. And also there's no

584
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:19,240
Speaker 1: such thing as this is just who I am. Like,

585
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:22,200
Speaker 1: people evolve and if you guys are a couple, you're

586
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 1: gonna have your own thing that you're going to have

587
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: to figure out. And if you have kids, oh my god,

588
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 1: like everyone is forced to evolve. He needs to get

589
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,720
Speaker 1: on board, right, That's why I said, like, our kids

590
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 1: have to be able to fall down and get a

591
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: scrape and you know, build a resiliency and find risk

592
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,720
Speaker 1: in that. Like, how have your conversation has gone thus

593
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,719
Speaker 1: far when this subject comes up? How deep have you gotten?

594
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:47,080
Speaker 1: Not incredibly deep. I turned into a bit of a

595
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:50,160
Speaker 1: passive person when it comes into any conflict, and then

596
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 1: I start to cry and then things get awkward, and

597
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:58,480
Speaker 1: so things come up regularly but not in depth. No, Okay,

598
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:00,920
Speaker 1: well you need to work on that. You have to, Yeah,

599
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: and you can. It's not fair to cry whenever anything

600
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,920
Speaker 1: gets when the conflict comes up, because that puts into

601
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 1: the other person in a really not fair position, you

602
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So you have to do that

603
00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: work for yourself as well and focus on that and

604
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: just difficult conversations help unify people, not take them apart.

605
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:21,880
Speaker 1: And that's something to remember, Like when you have a

606
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,920
Speaker 1: challenging conversation, it's always an opportunity for growth. You don't

607
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,720
Speaker 1: have to get scared and look away or avoid and

608
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,480
Speaker 1: be passive and all of that stuff. It's a good

609
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 1: skill to practice and learn and it's going to come

610
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,680
Speaker 1: in handy with all of these issues. So please start

611
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,040
Speaker 1: with this conversation. You know, it is a big concern.

612
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,360
Speaker 1: You called into us, You're obviously concerned, and the next

613
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 1: step is to sit down with him and be like,

614
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,960
Speaker 1: we need to really address this. This is our first point.

615
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,680
Speaker 1: And now if if the dog trainer works, great after that,

616
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:51,160
Speaker 1: this is the next step. This is the plan of attack.

617
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 1: And we also have to work on communicating better because

618
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,800
Speaker 1: I feel like this dog is ruling my life and

619
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 1: that's just silly, and no matter what's going on with

620
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:03,960
Speaker 1: that dog, it shouldn't be ruling your life. Exactly, yes,

621
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:07,719
Speaker 1: thank you for that conformation. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, let us

622
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:11,080
Speaker 1: know what happens, Nicole. Yeah, yeah, I will. I will

623
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 1: thank you so much by all right, bye, thank you.

624
00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: How funny that we have the one guest that doesn't

625
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,960
Speaker 1: like dogs on our first dog question. It's not our

626
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 1: first dog question, but it's it's we don't often get

627
00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:30,680
Speaker 1: dog questions. Move get rid of that dog, no, no, no, no,

628
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 1: I know. I kind of also was like, this dog

629
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:35,200
Speaker 1: sounds sickly, maybe it will die soon. But I mean,

630
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 1: and that's part of why I wanted to have Monica

631
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:39,440
Speaker 1: for that question, because like you're not overwhelmed by like,

632
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, I totally get it. I love that

633
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,400
Speaker 1: dog so much. But no, for me, it's like that's

634
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 1: just indicative of a much deeper issue of he's projecting

635
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,880
Speaker 1: all his anxiety onto this dog. It's gonna go somewhere.

636
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 1: Even if the dog gets trained, he's gonna Yeah, and

637
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:59,240
Speaker 1: that hyper vigilance, you know, it's early days kind of

638
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:01,760
Speaker 1: because they've been together for a year, but like that

639
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:05,479
Speaker 1: hyper vigilance will permeate everything. Like that's something I've been

640
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:09,240
Speaker 1: working on a ton in therapy, not constantly being worried

641
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: about what's the next terrible thing that can happen? And

642
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,040
Speaker 1: hopefully this dog trainer will help with some of that,

643
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 1: just being like, hey, this is normal dog stuff. But

644
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,720
Speaker 1: also they'll probably have to take a next step and

645
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 1: see an actual therapist. Yeah. I just hate people's resistance

646
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 1: to therapy. It's just it fucking drives me up. Yes,

647
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 1: it's still how I don't because people are scared to

648
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:34,760
Speaker 1: tap into what is dark and no ominous underneath them,

649
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: Like they don't want to revisit that. They want to

650
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 1: think that nothing in life has anything to do with that.

651
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I mean, just look at what happened

652
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,240
Speaker 1: to you, Chelsea. You're open and vulnerable and feeling things. Yeah,

653
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 1: and I used to be shut off and closed down

654
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:50,400
Speaker 1: and angry, and I'm not anymore because I know how

655
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 1: to deal with my emotions now. Some people want to

656
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 1: stay angry. Yeah, Well, if they don't want to stay angry,

657
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,200
Speaker 1: they just don't want to feel so so to that

658
00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 1: dark place and have to unearth it because it's not

659
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:03,200
Speaker 1: a pleasant experience, but it's a valuable experience and it

660
00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:06,800
Speaker 1: will make you a much more well rounded person. I

661
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 1: almost emailed you a few months ago because I was

662
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,799
Speaker 1: looking for a new therapist, and when you were on

663
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 1: our show, you were like raving about yours and I

664
00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,239
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I should ask Chelsea. But then I

665
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:19,239
Speaker 1: found I found my found an incredible therapist and I'm

666
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,800
Speaker 1: very happy with But oh, good, well that's great. I

667
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,440
Speaker 1: mean I had already been in therapy, but I was like,

668
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,880
Speaker 1: this isn't enough. I need more. I need different. I

669
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:30,359
Speaker 1: went to my therapist yesterday and after we were done,

670
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:32,360
Speaker 1: he's like, Okay, I'm leaving in ten days and I

671
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 1: was like, I am to I won't be back until September.

672
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:37,520
Speaker 1: And he was like, okay, well dude, let me know

673
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:39,360
Speaker 1: if you want to connect before you leave. I'm like,

674
00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:41,719
Speaker 1: we just fucking saw each other. Like this is it.

675
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 1: This is goodbye for two months. This is incremental. Like

676
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,600
Speaker 1: now I only use it for incremental stuff. You know,

677
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,480
Speaker 1: I'm going through a breakup. I need my therapist. I

678
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,920
Speaker 1: want to handle these emotions right. I don't want to

679
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 1: fucking fast track anything. I want to do it the

680
00:34:56,239 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 1: right way. And now I'm done with you, so please,

681
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,759
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you again. Also, my therapist, this is

682
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,480
Speaker 1: so great. I go to his house. We sit in

683
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:08,719
Speaker 1: his backyard. And there's a construction site inside his backyard,

684
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 1: and I was like, wait, are you serious with a

685
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:16,319
Speaker 1: chainsaw going the entire time and I'm like, Dan, are

686
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:20,120
Speaker 1: you inviting like please, people of customers? Are you betty

687
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,440
Speaker 1: patients over? That's what I call my fans customers when

688
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,879
Speaker 1: they're at the show, the live show. I'm like, hello, customers.

689
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 1: I'm like, Dad, are you can't have therapy sessions when

690
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:32,000
Speaker 1: there's a fucking drill happening in your backyard? I want

691
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: to go to a construction site. I'll go to my

692
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 1: own house and reflected in the Reflection pond while our

693
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:43,200
Speaker 1: next question, and this is kind of a touchy topic,

694
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:47,640
Speaker 1: but this comes from Julia. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm

695
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:50,719
Speaker 1: a college student. A couple of months ago, I got

696
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:54,000
Speaker 1: really drunk and sat on a guy and kissed him.

697
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,319
Speaker 1: I vaguely also remember asking him if he wanted to

698
00:35:56,320 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 1: have sex, to which he said no. Obviously, this guy

699
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 1: has since said everything is cool, he doesn't care about

700
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:07,520
Speaker 1: what happened. However, my actions still haunt me, and this

701
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 1: has become quite literally all I think about. I don't

702
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,880
Speaker 1: know why or how that happened. I'm assuming somehow in

703
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,719
Speaker 1: my drunken state, I thought that I was flirting, and

704
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: since that point I've never ever gotten that drunk. I

705
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 1: completely understand what I did was wrong, and I wanted

706
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:27,360
Speaker 1: to reach out for advice. I wanted to come to you, specifically, Chelsea,

707
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,000
Speaker 1: because I know you've been caught up in a similar

708
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:32,840
Speaker 1: situation to which you inapropriately touched someone and meant no harm,

709
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:35,880
Speaker 1: but nonetheless it still happened. How do I deal with

710
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: the shame of knowing this will always be part of

711
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:45,279
Speaker 1: my record? Hi? Julia, Hi, this is Monica, and that's Catherine,

712
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 1: my Monica. Hi. Okay, first of all, you need to

713
00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: give yourself a break. All you did was, I mean,

714
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,600
Speaker 1: you kissed somebody and you were at a party and

715
00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: you were drunk. That is not anything to take to

716
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,240
Speaker 1: your grave to be shameful about. You made a mistake,

717
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:03,239
Speaker 1: That's okay, That's what human beings do. They make mistakes.

718
00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:06,040
Speaker 1: And what was your interaction with him after the incident?

719
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,920
Speaker 1: I mean after it it kind of just was awkward.

720
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:11,840
Speaker 1: I guess, like I did apologize to him, which is

721
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,200
Speaker 1: one thing that I'm really happy that I did, But

722
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:16,239
Speaker 1: other than that, for some reason, it just really like

723
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,759
Speaker 1: sticks with me. I feel like a lot of people

724
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 1: have told me like, it's okay, you can let it go,

725
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:24,120
Speaker 1: but it's just it's for some reason, it has really

726
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: stuck with me. Okay, you have got to give yourself

727
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 1: a break. You are going to make mistakes in life.

728
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:32,760
Speaker 1: You did not hurt anybody, You did not murder somebody.

729
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 1: You were inappropriate, that is not an offense that is unforgivable,

730
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:41,279
Speaker 1: and you apologized and took accountability. That's it. That's the

731
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:44,120
Speaker 1: end of that story. So you have to get past

732
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,880
Speaker 1: that because you're beating yourself up here, and then this

733
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 1: will become a pattern in your life. So you need

734
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: to disrupt this pattern immediately and know that you just

735
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 1: had a good time. You're at a party and it's

736
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 1: not like you did something that bad. You know, it

737
00:37:57,239 --> 00:37:59,880
Speaker 1: was just unwelcome and of course it was awkward. That

738
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:03,560
Speaker 1: what being in what are you in your twenties? Is

739
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:07,200
Speaker 1: about awkward buck ups? I mean, come on, did you

740
00:38:07,239 --> 00:38:09,279
Speaker 1: grow up in a household that made you feel really

741
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,920
Speaker 1: bad about everything you did? I think so. I feel

742
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:17,879
Speaker 1: like I come almost also a very religious backgrounds, like yeah,

743
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 1: that's the problem. You can't have so much shame, that's

744
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:24,200
Speaker 1: been ingrained and it's not fair and it's not about you.

745
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 1: It's just in your body now, So it's on you

746
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,279
Speaker 1: to like shed that because I don't can we even

747
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 1: call it a mistake. I'm I'm having trouble even accepting

748
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 1: this as a mistake. I mean, I don't think it's

749
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:37,680
Speaker 1: that big of a deal. It's like that would be

750
00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:39,560
Speaker 1: hard for me to take seriously as it's like that's

751
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: something I would make a joke about, you know, like

752
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:43,520
Speaker 1: it was a silly thing. But yeah, your shame is

753
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:46,480
Speaker 1: coming from your family dynamic and from your religious background,

754
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 1: and you have to get to a place where you

755
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,120
Speaker 1: understand that human beings make mistakes and all you can

756
00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,160
Speaker 1: do is be accountable for that mistake, and then afterwards

757
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,879
Speaker 1: that mistake is over, there's nothing else for you to do. Yeah,

758
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,400
Speaker 1: and I think right now, there is so much conversation

759
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 1: around consent, and of course that's something that's so important,

760
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 1: but there is also hooking up at parties. It's a

761
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:11,080
Speaker 1: thing that happens all of the time. And of course

762
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,520
Speaker 1: you have to take what he said, which is, hey,

763
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:16,560
Speaker 1: we're cool, it's fine, don't worry about it. You have

764
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,840
Speaker 1: to take that at face value. You know, and I

765
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:22,560
Speaker 1: think there's some forgiveness of yourself that needs to happen. Yeah.

766
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,879
Speaker 1: I think for a very long time I was kind

767
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: of trying to put words in his mouth like you

768
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,920
Speaker 1: should feel really bad about this, like you should be

769
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,000
Speaker 1: mad at me. But I really agree with that. I

770
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,440
Speaker 1: feel like I need to take it at face value

771
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,719
Speaker 1: and just say, like, this is what you told me,

772
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:38,719
Speaker 1: that it's okay, and I need to be okay with that.

773
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:43,239
Speaker 1: You also asked him, you asked him if if you

774
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 1: wanted to have sex, and he said no, And then

775
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 1: that's that, Like, that's I've had girlfriends who have done

776
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: way more embarrassing things than that. Okay. My girlfriend once

777
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,279
Speaker 1: had sex with a guy and as soon as they

778
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:59,920
Speaker 1: got undressed, he said, I love you. Can you imagine

779
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 1: she felt the next day when he told every fucking

780
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:05,640
Speaker 1: body that she told him she loved him because she

781
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 1: was wasted and naked and said I love you. And

782
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 1: he was like, oh my god, I can't even funck

783
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: you now, because what are you talking about? That? That's shame. Okay,

784
00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:19,920
Speaker 1: that's embarrassing. So whenever you're dealing with something, think about

785
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:21,920
Speaker 1: the more extreme versions of that. You know, you could

786
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,600
Speaker 1: have sat on his lap, pulled your pants down, or

787
00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:26,280
Speaker 1: pulled your boobs out and really made an asset of yourself.

788
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 1: You didn't do that. You didn't do that. You're sweet

789
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:32,160
Speaker 1: and you need to forgive yourself and watch an episode

790
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 1: of Girls Gone Wild to make yourself exactly. And I

791
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,040
Speaker 1: think a good thing to remember is you don't want

792
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 1: to go through life having no regrets, Like what would

793
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:44,719
Speaker 1: you learn? What would you take away if you look

794
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:47,200
Speaker 1: back and you're like, I did everything absolutely perfectly, exactly

795
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,359
Speaker 1: the way I wanted to do it, Like, first of all,

796
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 1: just not possible. And secondly, like that's how you grow

797
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:56,840
Speaker 1: and learn. You need those moments that I also agree

798
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,560
Speaker 1: with the two because I think I also from the

799
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:01,760
Speaker 1: same background, Like I feel like this is the first

800
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,560
Speaker 1: thing that I messed up on, and I think it's

801
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,360
Speaker 1: like a learning experience, and I feel like I'm going

802
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 1: to start looking at it that way. Yes, yes, because

803
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 1: there's gonna be other things that you mess up on,

804
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:13,719
Speaker 1: and you have to practice forgiveness for yourself. There is

805
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:17,319
Speaker 1: it's a such wasted time to beat yourself up and

806
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:19,960
Speaker 1: barrate yourself. You know, you have to let it go.

807
00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 1: Just let it go. There's a book called Letting Go,

808
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 1: but that's a big read. But yeah, use this as

809
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:28,319
Speaker 1: your first example and make this first time the last

810
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,319
Speaker 1: time that you go through this with yourself and your

811
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:33,000
Speaker 1: self kind of immolation of it. Yeah, and if you

812
00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:35,080
Speaker 1: do find that you can't get this out of your head,

813
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:37,880
Speaker 1: that's when it's time to talk to somebody. You know.

814
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:42,200
Speaker 1: Why does this keep being on spencycle in my mind? Well,

815
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:46,160
Speaker 1: thank you so much for calling in. Give yourself a break. Yeah,

816
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:48,120
Speaker 1: I give yourself a break, Julia. Go out and have

817
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:50,759
Speaker 1: another experience with a guy. As soon as you have

818
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,880
Speaker 1: your next experience, that one's going to be forgett if

819
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:58,759
Speaker 1: you know you're gonna forget about that anyway, that was

820
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,960
Speaker 1: like so virginal, you know. When I talked to her

821
00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:03,560
Speaker 1: a couple like it was like maybe a month and

822
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:05,640
Speaker 1: a half ago. When I first talked to her, she

823
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:09,520
Speaker 1: was like fragile, you know, she was just absolutely destroyed.

824
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,040
Speaker 1: And I was like, you need to come on here,

825
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:14,040
Speaker 1: and oh, yeah, you kissed the boy at a party.

826
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:17,640
Speaker 1: And when he said no, you stopped. You know one

827
00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:20,080
Speaker 1: thing I wish we had said, I I didn't say,

828
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:25,719
Speaker 1: can we call her back? She said in her in

829
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:30,600
Speaker 1: her letter, he said, no, obviously, and the fact that

830
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 1: she wrote obviously means she just doesn't have any and

831
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:35,759
Speaker 1: I can relate like self worth, he said, obviously, he

832
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:37,760
Speaker 1: didn't want to have sex with me. It was crazy.

833
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,040
Speaker 1: It was crazy that I even did that because I

834
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:45,279
Speaker 1: missed that part ship. Maybe she'll listen now, Oh yeah,

835
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:47,280
Speaker 1: she's still listening because she will be on the podcast.

836
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,480
Speaker 1: So yeah, no, obviously, there you go. That's your issue

837
00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:52,440
Speaker 1: right there, is that you don't believe that you're worthy

838
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:55,080
Speaker 1: of somebody being interested in you. That's why you feel

839
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,200
Speaker 1: shamed because you were rejected. And by the way, rejection

840
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:02,600
Speaker 1: is what makes us all badass and straw bring it on,

841
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:10,600
Speaker 1: is what I say about rejection. Not too much between

842
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:19,200
Speaker 1: ten and fifteen. Once a year, Well, our next call

843
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:22,680
Speaker 1: comes from Marcus. He is one that I was talking

844
00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 1: about that maybe hasn't gotten away from home quickly enough.

845
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: He says. I'm a twenty five year old gay mail

846
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:32,400
Speaker 1: that was brought up in a very strict orthodox Christian household.

847
00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:34,920
Speaker 1: Although I was able to move out for college, it

848
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,359
Speaker 1: was always under the presumption that i'd moved back, which

849
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:41,040
Speaker 1: I did. Since then I completed my master's degree, online

850
00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:45,000
Speaker 1: and have been working in my career since it's taboo

851
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 1: and my family to move out, either before marriage or

852
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:51,840
Speaker 1: before buying a house. I have two older siblings and

853
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:55,040
Speaker 1: thirty one who both live at home as well. Although

854
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,200
Speaker 1: I work from home, I leave during the day and

855
00:43:57,320 --> 00:44:00,640
Speaker 1: drive around or work from my office just to get away.

856
00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: I have expressed the desire to move out to my

857
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:06,279
Speaker 1: older siblings and family, and I'm met with shame, discontent,

858
00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:10,279
Speaker 1: and the conversation is shut down altogether. My sister tells

859
00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:12,880
Speaker 1: me to wait until she's married, but I'm tired of

860
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 1: living life this way. I desperately want to go and

861
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:17,600
Speaker 1: a room opened up where my friend is living just

862
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,759
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes away. I don't want to lose this opportunity,

863
00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 1: but I know it will enrage my parents to go,

864
00:44:23,520 --> 00:44:25,800
Speaker 1: break their hearts and ultimately lead to a lot of

865
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:28,840
Speaker 1: chaos for everyone. I'm not religious at all, and I

866
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:30,719
Speaker 1: had to suffer a lot from being brought up with

867
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: such dogmatic people, especially since I'm gay, which I've not

868
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 1: had this conversation with them yet. I just want to

869
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 1: live my life, So what do I do? Sincerely, Marcus Marcus, Hey,

870
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:45,480
Speaker 1: thanks for having me O. Hi. This is Monica and Catherine.

871
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,880
Speaker 1: Nice to meet you, guys. I'm sorry you're going through this.

872
00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:53,960
Speaker 1: I'm always so amazed by people who are so respectful

873
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 1: and nice to their parents. I'm just by I know,

874
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:03,000
Speaker 1: I know, I agree. So what religion are you dealing with?

875
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:07,239
Speaker 1: Coptic Orthodox Christian Ship. I don't know enough about that.

876
00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:10,080
Speaker 1: We don't know those words. Okay, So they want you

877
00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:13,120
Speaker 1: to stay at home for when until when? It's sort

878
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:15,800
Speaker 1: of like indefinite. I would say it's just the norm

879
00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: to stay until you're either married or you have a

880
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:22,919
Speaker 1: house to yourself. But I don't think anyone's gonna marry

881
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 1: me while I live at home, and I don't see

882
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:28,319
Speaker 1: myself like buying a house anytime soon. So I'm just

883
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:31,240
Speaker 1: floating around. And do you have a plan in place

884
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 1: about having this kind of conversation with your parents because

885
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,880
Speaker 1: you definitely should move out. You need to have your

886
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 1: own identity. Yeah. So I've already kind of like broached

887
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:42,200
Speaker 1: it with my mom and she hung up on me,

888
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:45,000
Speaker 1: and we haven't really spoken about it, since that's kind

889
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:46,760
Speaker 1: of the norm. I would say, like in my household,

890
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 1: we don't really talk about things. So I don't know.

891
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:52,799
Speaker 1: I just feel like it's sort of like, don't even

892
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 1: bring that conversation. It's not even a discussion, you know

893
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 1: what I mean. And I know, Marcus, you mentioned that

894
00:45:57,719 --> 00:45:59,200
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to be kind of a

895
00:45:59,239 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 1: buffer for of the family drama as well, so that's

896
00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:05,160
Speaker 1: part of what's keeping you back. Yeah, it's sort of

897
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,160
Speaker 1: like I feel guilty abandoning them because there is so

898
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 1: much like discordance in the house. I just feel like

899
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:16,800
Speaker 1: no one really has like tools to navigate that except

900
00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:18,239
Speaker 1: for me, because like I'm the only one that's like

901
00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:21,520
Speaker 1: in therapy and stuff. So I just feel kind of

902
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:24,560
Speaker 1: like bad leaving. But at the same time, it's like

903
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,480
Speaker 1: I feel like I should leave. Well, I think you

904
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:28,719
Speaker 1: should leave too, And I think that therapy you can

905
00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:31,000
Speaker 1: use that as a reason why you're leaving, Like you

906
00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 1: understand that the dysfunction in that household is unhealthy for

907
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,080
Speaker 1: you and that you have to remove yourself from that

908
00:46:37,120 --> 00:46:39,919
Speaker 1: situation for your mental health, you know what I mean.

909
00:46:40,120 --> 00:46:42,680
Speaker 1: And you are gay. You have to be true to

910
00:46:42,719 --> 00:46:45,040
Speaker 1: who that is and true to yourself, and you have

911
00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:47,239
Speaker 1: to go and live a life for yourself, not for

912
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:49,600
Speaker 1: your parents. You cannot live a life for your family

913
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,680
Speaker 1: or for your parents, and the sooner that you get

914
00:46:52,680 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: out of there, the sooner that that's going to break open.

915
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,640
Speaker 1: And yeah, it might cause a lot of chaos and

916
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:58,839
Speaker 1: a lot of disruption, but you know what, it's one

917
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 1: step in the right direction. It because there is going

918
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:03,080
Speaker 1: to be a time and a place where your parents

919
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:05,360
Speaker 1: are going to have to accept that new reality and

920
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:08,520
Speaker 1: it's not gonna happen while you're still living in their house. Yeah,

921
00:47:08,520 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 1: you're right. I feel like I'm just kind of putting

922
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:11,640
Speaker 1: a band aid on like a larger issue. Well, you're

923
00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:14,799
Speaker 1: prolonging in your future, like your destiny is waiting for you,

924
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,080
Speaker 1: and you're putting it on hold. Because if you don't

925
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 1: want to upset your parents, and if you're gonna live

926
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:22,440
Speaker 1: your life for your parents, then then that's pointless and

927
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:25,200
Speaker 1: it's a sinking ship that you have to get off of.

928
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,680
Speaker 1: If there's all kinds of turmoil and stuff, they're like,

929
00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,160
Speaker 1: remove yours. I'll put your face mask on first and

930
00:47:31,320 --> 00:47:33,359
Speaker 1: leave and then maybe it will help. Maybe it will

931
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:35,840
Speaker 1: some of the other people in your family will be like, wow,

932
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: he did this, and maybe I could do something for

933
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:41,680
Speaker 1: myself to like, you don't know, the good it could

934
00:47:41,719 --> 00:47:45,640
Speaker 1: cause also, Yeah, you're right, and you could go from

935
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 1: being a buffer to being a safe harbor if you're

936
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:52,120
Speaker 1: not in the middle of everything, if you become the

937
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:55,319
Speaker 1: sibling with a safe space that's outside of the house. Yeah,

938
00:47:55,360 --> 00:47:57,240
Speaker 1: and I know it takes a lot of guts and courage.

939
00:47:57,400 --> 00:47:59,680
Speaker 1: Like I know it's scary to make these kinds of moves,

940
00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:03,080
Speaker 1: but life moves. I think in terms of the universe

941
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:05,879
Speaker 1: and energy and karma. When you really like stand up

942
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:08,759
Speaker 1: for yourself. You don't even know what's out there for

943
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:11,360
Speaker 1: you yet, you know what I mean, what what rewards

944
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 1: are out there for you, What relationships are out there

945
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:16,440
Speaker 1: for you? What what the domino effect will have on

946
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: your brothers and that your other family members. It could

947
00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:21,359
Speaker 1: take a long time, but you could have a really

948
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:24,880
Speaker 1: positive impact on the entire family and their understanding of

949
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:29,560
Speaker 1: a broader world and not this kind of dogmatic, small thinking,

950
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:32,959
Speaker 1: narrow mindedness that you've grown up with. You know, any

951
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:38,000
Speaker 1: Orthodox religion is obviously very very particular, and you're not

952
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,719
Speaker 1: just thinking about yourself, You're thinking about your family, and

953
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:43,200
Speaker 1: then you're thinking about the whole world, right, and you're

954
00:48:43,239 --> 00:48:45,839
Speaker 1: gonna be doing the world a service by being brave

955
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:50,440
Speaker 1: enough to face this situation and leave at whatever cost.

956
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 1: If your parents don't want to speak to you for

957
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:54,759
Speaker 1: a year, then that fucking sucks. But at least you're

958
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,879
Speaker 1: being true to who you are and that is way

959
00:48:56,920 --> 00:49:00,080
Speaker 1: more valuable than anything else. Yeah, this is an and

960
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,960
Speaker 1: on thing. But like you can't fix other people. We

961
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,200
Speaker 1: all think we can be the one to fix everyone

962
00:49:06,239 --> 00:49:09,760
Speaker 1: around us, and we cannot, and it can become totally

963
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:13,040
Speaker 1: all consuming. And so it is not your job to

964
00:49:13,239 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 1: stay and make sure that the dynamic is positive, Like

965
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:20,239
Speaker 1: you can't. Yeah, I mean, and it's not like I'm

966
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:23,040
Speaker 1: really making it positive anyways. I'm sort of just like, well,

967
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:26,000
Speaker 1: if I'm here, then it can't be terrible. But it's

968
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:29,960
Speaker 1: not like I'm really helping anything in the first place. No,

969
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 1: you're not. You need courage. You have to get that courage.

970
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:35,920
Speaker 1: It's inside of you. Take it and harness it and

971
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:38,640
Speaker 1: do make a move because what you're doing isn't courageous

972
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:41,320
Speaker 1: right now. You're just being a part of somebody's story.

973
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,400
Speaker 1: You have to create your own story. Yeah, because I

974
00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:46,960
Speaker 1: have um an opportunity to move out with a friend

975
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:50,600
Speaker 1: that I have to respond to by this week. You're going, yeah,

976
00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:53,560
Speaker 1: you're going, Yes, you're going. You need to tell them

977
00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:57,279
Speaker 1: the email today or call him or her today that yeah,

978
00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 1: you're gonna it'll be this move. You've got to make

979
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:04,600
Speaker 1: this move, Marcus. Yeah, right now. I was literally right

980
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:07,279
Speaker 1: before this, I was like, should I just start packing? Yes,

981
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:11,399
Speaker 1: yes you should, and you should say it's for your

982
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: mental health that your parents just explain to them that

983
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:17,080
Speaker 1: you're in therapy. This is what's going to happen. I'm

984
00:50:17,120 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 1: sorry if this is hurting you. I'm sorry if this

985
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:22,160
Speaker 1: is a disruption. But for me to be healthy, I

986
00:50:22,200 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 1: have to move out. Okay. And if they hang up,

987
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,439
Speaker 1: they hang up, that's not your job to call back.

988
00:50:27,560 --> 00:50:31,759
Speaker 1: It's not like let that be yes, right and tell

989
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:35,359
Speaker 1: them you're a therapist, dr handler to talk to him.

990
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:41,040
Speaker 1: I'm sure they're huge fans. All right, thanks Marcus. Let

991
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:43,239
Speaker 1: us know how it goes. Okay, thank you, thank you

992
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:47,200
Speaker 1: so much for having me. Thank you, honey. Oh cute,

993
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 1: so cute? Oh my god? What the frothodics? Topic pregnancy? Religion?

994
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:59,400
Speaker 1: What is that? Optic? I optic even Orthodox Christianity Toptic

995
00:50:59,520 --> 00:51:06,480
Speaker 1: Orthodox second, I'm like, coptic, Coptic Orthodox Christianity. Fuck can

996
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:09,400
Speaker 1: you imagine living with your family and being like in

997
00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:13,319
Speaker 1: that much of a buzzkill situation. I mean, that's the

998
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:16,520
Speaker 1: definition of a buzz kill. Is an e topic Christian

999
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:25,080
Speaker 1: Orthodox family. It's illegal in Texas. Well. We have one

1000
00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:28,359
Speaker 1: more question. This is just an email, but this comes

1001
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:32,400
Speaker 1: from Jenna. This is Jenna Bush. It's always Jenna Always.

1002
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:36,440
Speaker 1: You can't wait to advise her. I'm writing to you

1003
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 1: today to ask for your advice about how to navigate

1004
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,760
Speaker 1: friendships throughout your thirties. I wish more people spoke about

1005
00:51:42,760 --> 00:51:45,000
Speaker 1: this specific time of life, as I'm finding it to

1006
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:48,600
Speaker 1: be quite challenging. I'm thirty three years old, married and

1007
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:51,040
Speaker 1: we do not have kids. I'm in graduate studies and

1008
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:53,360
Speaker 1: I'm just getting started in my new career. We have

1009
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:55,360
Speaker 1: a cat and a dog that are like our babies,

1010
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,560
Speaker 1: and a nephew that we absolutely adore. I've always had

1011
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:00,760
Speaker 1: a big, tight knit group of friends, and we've shared

1012
00:52:00,840 --> 00:52:03,880
Speaker 1: so many amazing memories over the years, like camping weekends together,

1013
00:52:04,040 --> 00:52:07,360
Speaker 1: fitness states, parties, all that fun stuff. Over the past

1014
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:09,439
Speaker 1: few years, a lot of my friends have had major

1015
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:12,440
Speaker 1: life changes. Many are having kids now, and some of

1016
00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:14,920
Speaker 1: our closest friends have moved across or out of the

1017
00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:18,839
Speaker 1: country to chase their dreams. Everything feels like it's changed now.

1018
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:22,040
Speaker 1: Everyone has different priorities and many are not available to

1019
00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:24,160
Speaker 1: hang out the way we used to. It really bums

1020
00:52:24,160 --> 00:52:26,719
Speaker 1: me out. The friends who have kids I'm so happy for,

1021
00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:29,000
Speaker 1: but I have to admit that whenever I find out

1022
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:31,200
Speaker 1: another friend is having a baby, a little part of

1023
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:33,400
Speaker 1: me is sad because I know the friendship will be

1024
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:36,759
Speaker 1: different now. I'm aware that this sounds so selfish, but

1025
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:40,120
Speaker 1: I can't help but feel inadequate, and conversations about kids

1026
00:52:40,239 --> 00:52:43,279
Speaker 1: feel like my friends don't think I'm relatable anymore. As

1027
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:46,680
Speaker 1: I get older, I feel increasingly uncomfortable in these group settings,

1028
00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:49,920
Speaker 1: as everyone just talks about their kids. My husband and

1029
00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:52,719
Speaker 1: I maybe want kids later on. However, we're both in

1030
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:55,880
Speaker 1: care professions that are really emotionally heavy and are living

1031
00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:58,280
Speaker 1: with an enormous amount of student debts, so we definitely

1032
00:52:58,320 --> 00:53:00,360
Speaker 1: don't feel like we have the capacity to start family

1033
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:03,840
Speaker 1: right now. I can't help but feel so behind everyone else.

1034
00:53:04,239 --> 00:53:06,560
Speaker 1: At the same time, I'm happy and so grateful for

1035
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,640
Speaker 1: what we do have great health, great career prospects, and

1036
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:13,200
Speaker 1: a really lovely relationship full of adventure. And love. How

1037
00:53:13,239 --> 00:53:15,840
Speaker 1: can I get through all of these conversations about kids

1038
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:20,040
Speaker 1: this next decade without feeling like an inadequate, unrelatable asshole.

1039
00:53:20,239 --> 00:53:28,400
Speaker 1: All the best, Jenna, I know this, Yeah, you know,

1040
00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:31,440
Speaker 1: I think the most important Like when she says like

1041
00:53:31,480 --> 00:53:35,799
Speaker 1: I'm unrelatable, just just give your two cents, Like when

1042
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:38,080
Speaker 1: people are talking about their kids, I'm sure she has

1043
00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:40,520
Speaker 1: an opinion on it. I'm sure just because she doesn't

1044
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:42,960
Speaker 1: have kids doesn't mean she doesn't know kids or is

1045
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,600
Speaker 1: around them or have her own opinions, Like you can

1046
00:53:45,600 --> 00:53:47,880
Speaker 1: still share them whether or not you're in that club.

1047
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:50,400
Speaker 1: And I also think you can be the one to

1048
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:53,480
Speaker 1: initiate conversations that are not about that. I mean, I

1049
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:56,239
Speaker 1: feel really lucky in my friend group because everyone's married,

1050
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,920
Speaker 1: everyone has kids except me, But it doesn't feel like

1051
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:02,040
Speaker 1: that's the main focus. Like the kids are around, but

1052
00:54:02,120 --> 00:54:04,279
Speaker 1: we talk about other stuff. But you can be the

1053
00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:11,439
Speaker 1: one to be like how about those Dodgers? Um? Yeah.

1054
00:54:11,480 --> 00:54:13,239
Speaker 1: And also you don't have to look at the kids

1055
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:16,120
Speaker 1: as an obstacle to a friendship, like it doesn't have

1056
00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:18,520
Speaker 1: to be that way. You can reframe your thinking and

1057
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:20,759
Speaker 1: look at kids as an additive, like it's a learning

1058
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:23,279
Speaker 1: experience for you to look at all the stuff you

1059
00:54:23,320 --> 00:54:25,480
Speaker 1: can soak up by being around all your friends kids,

1060
00:54:25,560 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 1: especially if you're one day maybe thinking about having them.

1061
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:31,759
Speaker 1: You're thinking about it all like in the negative way.

1062
00:54:31,880 --> 00:54:35,080
Speaker 1: So it's kind of about just reframing your headspace and

1063
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:37,120
Speaker 1: like looking at something like, oh, look, this is a

1064
00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:40,080
Speaker 1: learning opportunity, or oh look, this is an interesting situation

1065
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,919
Speaker 1: that I could get something out of. Even spending time

1066
00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:44,840
Speaker 1: with children, like whether you're into them or not, Like

1067
00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:47,480
Speaker 1: spending time with children is like illuminating. It's so funny

1068
00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:50,279
Speaker 1: cool to hear their perspectives and see how they think,

1069
00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:53,239
Speaker 1: and they're unbespurged mind. When a kids see something for

1070
00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:55,200
Speaker 1: the first time, it puts two and two together about

1071
00:54:55,239 --> 00:54:57,200
Speaker 1: something You're like, oh shit, I never looked at it

1072
00:54:57,239 --> 00:55:00,200
Speaker 1: that way, you know. So there there are a lot

1073
00:55:00,239 --> 00:55:02,480
Speaker 1: of advantages to having friends with kids, and like they're

1074
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,880
Speaker 1: probably fucking jealous of you that you don't have to

1075
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:07,400
Speaker 1: deal with any of those responsibilities. You and your husband

1076
00:55:07,719 --> 00:55:10,160
Speaker 1: have careers, and I know you said you work in

1077
00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:13,600
Speaker 1: like serious kind of care situation, but you still like

1078
00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:16,839
Speaker 1: don't have the responsibility of raising children, and like that's

1079
00:55:16,880 --> 00:55:20,160
Speaker 1: also something to be celebrating. Enjoy your time being single

1080
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:24,440
Speaker 1: without those responsibilities. Enjoy your time together you and your husband,

1081
00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:26,880
Speaker 1: you're alone time. You never know what the hell is

1082
00:55:26,880 --> 00:55:28,560
Speaker 1: going to happen in this world. You never know how

1083
00:55:28,640 --> 00:55:31,080
Speaker 1: much time you have with somebody. So instead of looking

1084
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:33,640
Speaker 1: at the things that you don't have, please start thinking

1085
00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:35,880
Speaker 1: about the things that you do have, And out of

1086
00:55:35,920 --> 00:55:38,520
Speaker 1: gratitude things grow. You know what I mean. When you

1087
00:55:38,560 --> 00:55:40,680
Speaker 1: look around and you say thank you for all of this,

1088
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:43,720
Speaker 1: more comes and you get abundance. And so I really

1089
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:45,839
Speaker 1: just think it's your pattern of thinking that you can

1090
00:55:45,880 --> 00:55:49,200
Speaker 1: just easily switch around by reading, you know, a couple

1091
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:53,800
Speaker 1: of decent books about spirituality and about recognizing the differences

1092
00:55:53,800 --> 00:55:55,920
Speaker 1: that other people are things that can draw you in,

1093
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:58,520
Speaker 1: not push you away. You don't have to be like

1094
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:01,440
Speaker 1: your friends in order to be with your friends. Mmm.

1095
00:56:01,600 --> 00:56:04,840
Speaker 1: I love that. Yes. And also like it sounds like

1096
00:56:04,880 --> 00:56:08,040
Speaker 1: these friends might have babies at this moment, even though

1097
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:11,320
Speaker 1: she says kids, it sounds recent. They will get more interesting,

1098
00:56:11,560 --> 00:56:13,800
Speaker 1: like what Chelsea is talking about, Like kids get funny,

1099
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:15,920
Speaker 1: you can laugh at them. Like when they start to

1100
00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:17,640
Speaker 1: get like three, four or five, there'll be a lot

1101
00:56:17,640 --> 00:56:21,680
Speaker 1: more entertaining to be and some acceptance that just all

1102
00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:26,200
Speaker 1: relationships evolve. So right now it's because of these kids,

1103
00:56:26,200 --> 00:56:27,719
Speaker 1: but it would have been something else, or it's going

1104
00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:29,799
Speaker 1: to be something else, Like you have to like be

1105
00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:33,000
Speaker 1: on that ride and just accept that things things change

1106
00:56:33,000 --> 00:56:37,520
Speaker 1: and for the better often. Yeah. Absolutely, Well, Jenna, let

1107
00:56:37,600 --> 00:56:40,560
Speaker 1: us know, Jenna Bush, I'm sorry you're going. Yeah, Jenna Bush,

1108
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:45,640
Speaker 1: stop comparing yourself to Barbara comparison. Yeah. Yeah, Jenna has babies.

1109
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,719
Speaker 1: She has I think three, and Barbara just had her

1110
00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:52,120
Speaker 1: first one. So this is probably Barbara calling posing as Jenna,

1111
00:56:52,160 --> 00:57:01,879
Speaker 1: which is also yeah. Yeah, I mean all right, well

1112
00:57:02,040 --> 00:57:04,680
Speaker 1: we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back

1113
00:57:04,719 --> 00:57:13,239
Speaker 1: with Monica and Chelsea. And we're back. We're back, and Monica, now,

1114
00:57:13,360 --> 00:57:15,719
Speaker 1: is there any advice that you'd like to ask for

1115
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:20,600
Speaker 1: from Chelsea? So many things everything now I do I

1116
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:22,960
Speaker 1: do want to ask you about And I think I'm

1117
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:26,480
Speaker 1: sure you've covered this a ton on this show, but um, grief,

1118
00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:30,720
Speaker 1: because you I feel like you've done such a beautiful

1119
00:57:30,840 --> 00:57:36,240
Speaker 1: job of processing yours. And I just wonder, like when

1120
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:41,400
Speaker 1: you lose something somebody, a relationship, a person, does that

1121
00:57:41,600 --> 00:57:46,560
Speaker 1: ever really heal? Does that ever really go? Away or

1122
00:57:46,600 --> 00:57:49,080
Speaker 1: do you have to just feel that for the rest

1123
00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:51,200
Speaker 1: of your life and accept it and like, no, that's

1124
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:53,920
Speaker 1: a piece of me forever. I think both things can

1125
00:57:53,960 --> 00:57:56,480
Speaker 1: be true. Who did you lose? Does just been some

1126
00:57:56,560 --> 00:58:02,040
Speaker 1: friendship dynamic changes? Okay? So people, you're not losing someone

1127
00:58:02,080 --> 00:58:04,360
Speaker 1: to death? No, no, no, no, then that's why. And

1128
00:58:04,400 --> 00:58:07,440
Speaker 1: I think grief can come in all these different forms

1129
00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:09,360
Speaker 1: and due to all these different things. And it's like,

1130
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:12,600
Speaker 1: huh is this is this is something that I'm just

1131
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:15,760
Speaker 1: going to be like holding for a long time. I

1132
00:58:15,880 --> 00:58:17,640
Speaker 1: have a lot of friendships that have ended, and it

1133
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:20,520
Speaker 1: is something that you hold. It depends on the friendship

1134
00:58:20,560 --> 00:58:25,080
Speaker 1: obviously to to what degree. But healing does come into place,

1135
00:58:25,440 --> 00:58:27,400
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. There is an amount of

1136
00:58:27,440 --> 00:58:31,880
Speaker 1: time that makes everything less acute when your feelings are hurt,

1137
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:35,840
Speaker 1: especially and I think the thing that is the key

1138
00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:39,280
Speaker 1: to healing is to give out love, you know what

1139
00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:42,080
Speaker 1: I mean, to give out love and forgiveness, no matter

1140
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:45,000
Speaker 1: what the circumstances are, whether who is right or wrong,

1141
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:47,720
Speaker 1: just to send love to that person, whether you do

1142
00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:50,280
Speaker 1: it through meditation or prayer or whatever the funk. You're

1143
00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:54,360
Speaker 1: into positive vibes, like it's important to forgive people because

1144
00:58:54,360 --> 00:58:56,920
Speaker 1: holding onto that is a crusty notion and that can

1145
00:58:57,040 --> 00:59:00,880
Speaker 1: embed itself into yourself and become a very toxic quality

1146
00:59:00,920 --> 00:59:04,800
Speaker 1: to be mad at people. So when things change, you

1147
00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:07,280
Speaker 1: have to just accept that things are changing, and it

1148
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:10,840
Speaker 1: can be very painful. I've had some very painful friendship

1149
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:15,920
Speaker 1: endings that have taken me years to get past. But yes,

1150
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:17,800
Speaker 1: it all always be a part of you, but it

1151
00:59:17,840 --> 00:59:23,000
Speaker 1: will run you, you know, the healing and like understanding

1152
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:25,400
Speaker 1: that people are there at certain parts of your life

1153
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:29,640
Speaker 1: in certain ways and it's not permanent, you know. That's

1154
00:59:29,680 --> 00:59:32,600
Speaker 1: the heart For me. That's such because I I need

1155
00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:35,280
Speaker 1: so much safety, Like I have grown up like that

1156
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:37,040
Speaker 1: with a lot of fears, So I'm just always searching

1157
00:59:37,080 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 1: for safety. So when there's proof in the world that

1158
00:59:40,920 --> 00:59:44,160
Speaker 1: it's not safe, I just like can't handle. I have

1159
00:59:44,200 --> 00:59:47,160
Speaker 1: a hard time handle. Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.

1160
00:59:47,560 --> 00:59:50,080
Speaker 1: I get that. And but that's also you're trying to

1161
00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:54,440
Speaker 1: guarantee the unknown, right and that's a feudal exercise. What

1162
00:59:54,600 --> 00:59:57,600
Speaker 1: is a sagacious way to be is to be okay

1163
00:59:57,640 --> 00:59:59,840
Speaker 1: with the unknown, to have something that like a left

1164
01:00:00,040 --> 01:00:03,160
Speaker 1: you know, a curveball come your way that you're not expecting.

1165
01:00:03,200 --> 01:00:07,160
Speaker 1: That is gutting and be like, Okay, I don't want

1166
01:00:07,200 --> 01:00:09,520
Speaker 1: to have to deal with this. I don't like this.

1167
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:13,080
Speaker 1: It doesn't make me feel good, but I can deal

1168
01:00:13,120 --> 01:00:16,080
Speaker 1: with this and to work through it and to feel

1169
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:18,920
Speaker 1: the feelings, like not to ignore them or pretend they

1170
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:22,560
Speaker 1: don't exist, or posture or anything, but to be real

1171
01:00:22,640 --> 01:00:25,360
Speaker 1: with yourself is a real gift. And you know, pain

1172
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:28,080
Speaker 1: does subside, you know, even like if somebody dies it

1173
01:00:28,120 --> 01:00:30,160
Speaker 1: feels like it will never go away, and yeah, that

1174
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,960
Speaker 1: person is always always going to be gone, but it

1175
01:00:34,040 --> 01:00:36,720
Speaker 1: really depends on how you reframe your thinking about that

1176
01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:40,400
Speaker 1: and over time you get a healthier relationship with the loss.

1177
01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:43,360
Speaker 1: That's that's that's good to hear. I feel like there's

1178
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:45,360
Speaker 1: so much control, you know, there's like such a need

1179
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:48,840
Speaker 1: for control in general for me anyway, and that's such

1180
01:00:48,880 --> 01:00:50,560
Speaker 1: a huge piece of it, like all these things you

1181
01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:53,760
Speaker 1: can't control, but you're trying to control and everyone it's

1182
01:00:53,760 --> 01:00:57,600
Speaker 1: all it is all temporary, I guess. Yeah. I hope

1183
01:00:57,640 --> 01:01:00,800
Speaker 1: that helps, Monica, it does, it does, think Chelsea. We

1184
01:01:00,840 --> 01:01:02,720
Speaker 1: loved having you as part of the podcast today. Thank

1185
01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:05,280
Speaker 1: you so much for coming to the Thank oh my God,

1186
01:01:05,360 --> 01:01:07,960
Speaker 1: I love the valley. Yeah, there's a California Chicken cafe

1187
01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,480
Speaker 1: right on around the corner, just in case you were wondering.

1188
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:12,840
Speaker 1: And I saw that, I was like, oh, I love

1189
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:15,080
Speaker 1: those pita chips. And then I thought about going inside

1190
01:01:15,080 --> 01:01:17,439
Speaker 1: and standing in line. I was like, not that much.

1191
01:01:19,480 --> 01:01:23,840
Speaker 1: I was like, white, who Casey, Carla someone California Chicken.

1192
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:29,120
Speaker 1: Thank you Monica, and it was really lovely. Thank you, Catherine.

1193
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:31,880
Speaker 1: And what's your new podcast called. It's called Race to

1194
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:34,680
Speaker 1: thirty five. Race to thirty five. This is where they

1195
01:01:34,720 --> 01:01:37,760
Speaker 1: are going to fertilize their eggs and give us a

1196
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 1: day by day play play by day by day play

1197
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:44,040
Speaker 1: by play, and then of course armchair expert. Right, I'm

1198
01:01:44,040 --> 01:01:48,400
Speaker 1: sure expert. Yeah, Spotify on Spotify, And thank you Spotify

1199
01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:51,720
Speaker 1: for giving us the gift of Monica Patment and christ Todas. Yes,

1200
01:01:52,200 --> 01:01:55,760
Speaker 1: thank you. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just

1201
01:01:55,840 --> 01:01:59,680
Speaker 1: send us an email at Dear Chelsea project at gmail

1202
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:03,480
Speaker 1: dot Come. Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio.

1203
01:02:03,920 --> 01:02:07,600
Speaker 1: Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and

1204
01:02:07,800 --> 01:02:09,880
Speaker 1: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.