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Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda Land Audio

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Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. I was really a

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Speaker 1: push away from a c section, I mean really, and

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Speaker 1: I did feel the tearing, and I literally asked the

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Speaker 1: doctor after the baby was born, if my if Mike

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Speaker 1: Clint ripped in half, and she was like, she was like, Jenny, No.

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Speaker 1: Like it was like, hello everybody, and welcome back to

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Speaker 1: Katie's Crib. I've got no intro for the guest of

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Speaker 1: today's episode except for her name and that I love her,

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Speaker 1: I adore her. We were on our pregnancy journey together,

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Speaker 1: and we've known each other a little bit beforehand, and

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Speaker 1: then I wound up finding her in our Zoom Pandemic

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Speaker 1: prenatal yoga class. Here she is, folks, Jenny Slate. We

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Speaker 1: talked about everything eyes, her pregnancy or her labor experience,

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Speaker 1: her identity shift becoming a mom. She gave birth to

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Speaker 1: her daughter Ida at the very end of She's married

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Speaker 1: to the wonderful art curator Ben Shattuck, and they got

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Speaker 1: married in their living room on New Year's Eve. She

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Speaker 1: is an actress, comedian, and New York Times bestselling author

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Speaker 1: known for her starring role in Obvious Child. She's also

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Speaker 1: the co creator and voice of Marcel the Shell with

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Speaker 1: Shoes On, the widely popular online short film from Jenny's

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Speaker 1: major starring film credits include Fox, Searchlight, Skifted, Amazon Studios,

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Speaker 1: I Want You Back, and Netflix is Polka King. Her

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Speaker 1: major voice credits include Disney' Muppet Babies, Foxes, Bob Burger's,

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Speaker 1: and Netflix's Big Mouth. Jenny is also in Utopia and

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Speaker 1: So My I play the Honey Badger Doctor and Jenny

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Speaker 1: is Assistant Mayor Bell Weather. And at the time of

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Speaker 1: this recording, we talked a little bit about her most

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Speaker 1: recent film, which is out now. So check out Jenny

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Speaker 1: in a feature length film adaptation of Marcel the Shell

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Speaker 1: with Shoes on now. In the Welcome to katiescribt, Jenny

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Speaker 1: is that her born name? Is that the name you

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Speaker 1: were born with? Yeah, Jenny, Sarah Slate, It's just Jenny,

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Speaker 1: not not Jennifer. And my name is Sarah with an H.

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Speaker 1: And I'm named after my great grandmother, whose real name

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Speaker 1: was Jenny. But she didn't know that until she was

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Speaker 1: an adult and got her birth certificate. So did she

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Speaker 1: think her name was Jennifer her whole life? No? Sorry right. No,

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Speaker 1: she thought that her name was Sophia or Sophie because

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Speaker 1: I guess her her mother died when she was really young,

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Speaker 1: and her mother named her Jenny, and then her father

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Speaker 1: remarried and apparently thought that Jenny was like an inelegant

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Speaker 1: like name. So she was like, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: we're not calling her that and they so they called

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Speaker 1: her Sophie or Sophia. And then when she went to

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Speaker 1: get married, it was the first time she had ever

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Speaker 1: seen her birth certificate, and she saw that her real

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Speaker 1: name was Jenny. Oh my, and you know I'm just

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Speaker 1: a Katie. Oh you are. I didn't know that, yeah,

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Speaker 1: Justice Katie, No Catherine, no Kathleen, nothing of the sort. So,

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Speaker 1: Jenny Slate has a daughter. You gave birth to your

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Speaker 1: daughta data data. That's what I say. I do say

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Speaker 1: your daughter Ida in early one. And you were right

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Speaker 1: after me in the zoom pre data yoga class because

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Speaker 1: I had vera November and Ida was born in January.

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Speaker 1: She was born in December. She was born um December two.

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Speaker 1: It was like the eve of the Great conjunction astrologically,

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Speaker 1: whoa so one month after me? Exactly? So? Is she

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Speaker 1: a so she's not a Sagittarius. She is a Aquarius.

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Speaker 1: I think she's a Capricorn. Wouldn't that be right, guys,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm excelling at this podcast. I'm pretty sure. Okay, Capricorn. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think you're totally right. I think she's a Capricorn.

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Speaker 1: And coming back bring it full circle to names Ida.

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Speaker 1: Where is this gorgeous name from? I'm obsessed with it.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's I d A. It's an old name

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Speaker 1: that lots of old Jewish ladies are named. Uh. We

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Speaker 1: just both really liked it, and originally we were going

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Speaker 1: to name her Inga. Um, I don't know, like an

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Speaker 1: eye name is so it's not after anyone in our family,

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Speaker 1: which is kind of a in a way, Like I

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Speaker 1: wanted to name her an l name after my grandfather, Lester,

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Speaker 1: who um was central central in my life and in

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Speaker 1: my heart still in my childhood. And um, so there

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Speaker 1: were like a lot of l names and we both

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Speaker 1: just somehow like stumbled into this, like, I that's a

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Speaker 1: nice thing, and we I love the illustrator Inga more.

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Speaker 1: She she's also a children's book author, but she there's

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Speaker 1: a beautiful edition of The Wind in the willows that

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Speaker 1: she illustrated, and um, I kind of actually find that

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Speaker 1: my husband and I base a lot of our like

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Speaker 1: home decor choices off of her drawings because they're just

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Speaker 1: so cozy and filled with um, kind of like traditional prints.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, we thought like inga inga, and then suddenly

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Speaker 1: the name Ida both kind of like floated into both

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Speaker 1: of our minds. And then there was this This is

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Speaker 1: like the crappy part of the story, but there was

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Speaker 1: for fun, we we got this like name chooser app

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Speaker 1: called Kinder. Have you heard of it? No? Oh, my gosh,

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Speaker 1: moms who are listening, there's a name app called Kinder. Okay,

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Speaker 1: good to know. I'm not well. It definitely existed when

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Speaker 1: I was pregnant, but I use it. It's like the

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Speaker 1: same format as Tinder, but I have never been on Tinder.

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Speaker 1: Uh and uh. Like you and your partner both get

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Speaker 1: on and then when each of you swipes what is

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Speaker 1: a yes on Tinder? Right? I think it's like a

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Speaker 1: swite right swite right, So you swipe you when you

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Speaker 1: both swipe the same wet, same way, same direction on

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Speaker 1: a on an name, then that goes into your list

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Speaker 1: of common agreed upon names and we both swiped on Ida,

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Speaker 1: and then there was like some other ones that like

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Speaker 1: we completely did not like. I was like Wanda, like

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Speaker 1: I really wanted. I thought Wanda would have been cool.

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Speaker 1: We had a bunch of different things that did not

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Speaker 1: match up, but Ida was there. And it reminds me

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Speaker 1: of like a strong, tall, like brass candlestick with like

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Speaker 1: a flame. It just like is a big, strong name

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Speaker 1: to me. It is so strong and I love. I

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Speaker 1: feel like you and I are in a similar because

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Speaker 1: I named my daughter Vera. Yeah. I just feel like

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Speaker 1: there's like a lot of like older women names coming

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Speaker 1: back around. So my mom's name is Barbara, she just

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Speaker 1: has to wait. Yeah, Like I feel like our daughters

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Speaker 1: may name their kids like Barbara or like Cindy. Definitely,

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Speaker 1: I mean those are beautiful names, and I think the

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Speaker 1: are coming back, Like I was really into a net

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Speaker 1: or poulette. Oh I like it. Yeah, I think those

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Speaker 1: are going to make a comeback. But then also I

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Speaker 1: find I don't know if you felt this way or

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Speaker 1: other other parents who are listening, but like suddenly, when

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Speaker 1: like the baby is about to arrive, I felt that

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Speaker 1: names that had connotation for me, like the connotation suddenly

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Speaker 1: fell away, and I was like, oh, that's just like

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Speaker 1: a beautiful name. Like maybe it's not really in style

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Speaker 1: or whatever, but like the name Denise, that's a beautiful name,

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Speaker 1: like Carol with an e at the end, Like that's

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Speaker 1: so beautiful. I was like, oh God, Like now I'm

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Speaker 1: only going to have one baby. But I was like,

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Speaker 1: now there are all these names that, oh god, they're

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Speaker 1: so gorgeous. Tell me this. Did you always know that

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Speaker 1: you wanted to be a mom? I really didn't see

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Speaker 1: myself as someone who is going to have children. Um. Ever,

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Speaker 1: I have a dedicated, dedicated mother and father. Um. And

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Speaker 1: for some reason, like you know, when you watch family

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Speaker 1: videos or whatever, like when I watch our videos, it's

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Speaker 1: like they're happy and our you know, our family looks great.

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Speaker 1: And I think I had a very happy childhood. But

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Speaker 1: I also think that I left my childhood with a

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Speaker 1: big impression of the stress that children cause. I think

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Speaker 1: that would be like sad, you know, um for my

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Speaker 1: mom to hear, because also there was like it's not

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Speaker 1: just that there were a lot of beautiful things as well.

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Speaker 1: But I also think growing up in a culture that

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Speaker 1: offered me like very little in terms of a feminist perspective,

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Speaker 1: that part of my own internalized misogyny was a belief

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Speaker 1: that really, if I wanted to be an actor and

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Speaker 1: a person who is female, that it would just not

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Speaker 1: be possible for me to be a mother and an actor,

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Speaker 1: and that like, I wanted to be an actor way

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Speaker 1: way more, and I just didn't want it. And first

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Speaker 1: of all, those things aren't true. That that's not right.

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Speaker 1: I've found it to be completely incorrect, that that belief

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Speaker 1: is just it's just wrong and brutal and wrong. Um,

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Speaker 1: but I, yeah, I just didn't want to and I

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Speaker 1: honestly I didn't feel that with someone who like partners

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Speaker 1: with men, I just was like, I don't think that

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Speaker 1: they're going to get it. I don't think they're gonna

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Speaker 1: understand what it's going to be for me to go

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Speaker 1: through this. And I had no interest in being alone

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Speaker 1: in that or depending on someone out Like, I just

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Speaker 1: didn't want to have to go outside of my partnership

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Speaker 1: for understanding. And now looking back on it, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you know, becoming a mother is the most important. It's

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Speaker 1: an understatement. It's the most important thing that has ever

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Speaker 1: happened to me in my life. I I shudder to

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Speaker 1: think of what I would be like if I didn't

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Speaker 1: get to become Ida's mother, because it really fast tracked

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Speaker 1: a lot of important work that I had to do

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Speaker 1: for myself. But and maybe I could have gotten it done.

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Speaker 1: But like, this is a delight that I almost denied

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Speaker 1: myself because I was so you like that. I just

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Speaker 1: shook my head. No, that's so rude. That is rude.

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Speaker 1: Well I shook my head no when you were when

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Speaker 1: you were like, maybe I could have gotten it done,

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Speaker 1: And I'm like no, no, no no, no, no, But you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm I'm wrong, I'm wrong there. I know

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Speaker 1: people who have I actually kids, didn't have children who

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Speaker 1: have made remarkable, remarkable journeys in their life and things

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Speaker 1: like that. But but this was your Yeah, he's the

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Speaker 1: one you picked. Yes, So what shifted? Meeting my my

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Speaker 1: husband ben Um changed a lot of that for me, because,

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Speaker 1: first of all, he has a really good relationship with

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Speaker 1: his parents and his mother especially. He just was He's

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Speaker 1: really close with his parents, and I'm close with mine.

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Speaker 1: But I had not met a man that had the

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Speaker 1: type of closeness that he had with real joy, respect

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Speaker 1: and comfort that Um he expressed when he spoke about

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Speaker 1: his family and um, but that also like he was

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Speaker 1: like a self contained, confident person. You know, there's a

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Speaker 1: difference I think in straight men, Like you know, people

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Speaker 1: you don't generalize straight man, it's like I will, I

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Speaker 1: will have to because there's like, you know, patriarchy has

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Speaker 1: made things very very general on purpose and has like

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Speaker 1: denied specificity. Like so so you know in my experience, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like it's really hard to find like a person as

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Speaker 1: confident as my husband is who also is like as open,

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Speaker 1: Like the confidence hasn't come at a price for him. Um,

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Speaker 1: And anyway, he really wanted to be a father. He

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Speaker 1: really also at the same time seemed attracted to me.

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Speaker 1: When I was at my most powerful, I never felt

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Speaker 1: like I had to like crouch for him. And all

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Speaker 1: of a sudden, I was like, oh, well, if we

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Speaker 1: had a family together, which almost felt like if I

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Speaker 1: could like climb Mount Everest, like it just felt like

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Speaker 1: it could never even happen, and I I just started

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Speaker 1: to wonder, like what else have I both been believing

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Speaker 1: in that doesn't really suit me and that like keeps

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Speaker 1: me at such a small stature inside of myself, and

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Speaker 1: like what makes me the most sad and the most

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Speaker 1: sad are feelings of like I would really like to

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Speaker 1: give more love, and I think it's inappropriate. I can't

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Speaker 1: find a way to give it two people. I find

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Speaker 1: it in my work. But like, what if I could

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Speaker 1: actually feel safe, totally safe because I am filled with

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Speaker 1: love and giving love And that's what I got when

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Speaker 1: I met Ben, and so that's why I wanted to

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Speaker 1: have a baby, and the inclination was right. Oh, I

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Speaker 1: love this guy for you. I love him just opening

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Speaker 1: up your brain and mind and I just I'm so

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Speaker 1: freaking happy that you guys met each other. I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of times parents doing is so I think

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Speaker 1: it's so hard regardless, but I think you have such

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Speaker 1: a chance of it being so incredible if you're I

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Speaker 1: think so much is about the partner you choose to

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Speaker 1: do it with. But it is so hard. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: it's so beautiful. But it's it's I'm finding right now,

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Speaker 1: Like it's not that we differ on like how to

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Speaker 1: parent Ida, it's that we're so tired. We're so tired,

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Speaker 1: Like that's it that that is the thing, Like we

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Speaker 1: are so so tired and then we're like bonkers in

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Speaker 1: love with the baby to the point where like we're

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Speaker 1: trying to We're like have to stop each other from

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Speaker 1: waking her up every night, and we like go to

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Speaker 1: bed and we watch like an episode of Barry and

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Speaker 1: then we like look at pictures of idea on our phone,

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Speaker 1: look at fucking photos over. I know, it's it's discussed.

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Speaker 1: It's really I know. Rebecca Benn Naughty actually said I

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Speaker 1: did too. Rebecca was like, you have to go on

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Speaker 1: a date and like you're only allowed to talk about

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Speaker 1: your child for five minutes. And I'm like, we literally

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Speaker 1: have to set set timers. We're just we can't believe it.

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Speaker 1: How was pregnancy for you? Um? I had really bad

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Speaker 1: morning sickness for the first trimester. It really really made

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Speaker 1: me feel mentally like I was going to fall apart

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Speaker 1: until I took um my god die clegius is what

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Speaker 1: it's called. I took it the pill at night. UM.

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Speaker 1: I didn't experience any side effects. I was kind of

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Speaker 1: afraid to take something, but um, you know, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: like my o Bie was like, this is safe to take,

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Speaker 1: and um it really really helped me. And then you know,

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Speaker 1: I felt like I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I

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Speaker 1: was not one of those people that was like I'm

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Speaker 1: glowing mama, Like I did not want to take pictures

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Speaker 1: of myself. I don't know, like I think I'm a

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Speaker 1: pretty like um sexual person or whatever, Like I like

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Speaker 1: where my sex drives at. I didn't, So I didn't.

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Speaker 1: It didn't decrease, it didn't increase. I kind of still

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Speaker 1: felt like me in that area. That's amazing. Adam was

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Speaker 1: like waiting. Adam was like, when is it gonna just

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Speaker 1: brains rain sex on my penis? Because we've had some

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Speaker 1: friends that could not be satiated wild pregnant and like

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Speaker 1: both of our pregnancies. Adam was like, well, you know

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Speaker 1: they say that if you're pregnant with a boy, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have so much sex. Oh no, if they say

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Speaker 1: if you're pregned with your girl, you're gonna want to

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Speaker 1: have sex all the time, neither was the case. In mind.

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Speaker 1: I had really bad sciatica at the end, and there

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Speaker 1: are other things that like I didn't even think about

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Speaker 1: or they just don't seem like they'll be that bad,

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Speaker 1: but like the constant urgency to pee, like my husband

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Speaker 1: and I could not make it a quarter of the

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Speaker 1: way around the Silver Lake Reservoir without me having to

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Speaker 1: go into the bushes. I like pete outside in Silver Lake.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I paid outside my entire pregnancy. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like it just I was like, I can't, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: pee my pants. And I don't know. I think I

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Speaker 1: one of the things that I'm working on, but that

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Speaker 1: pregnancy and motherhood has helped me with are my major

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Speaker 1: control issues. The fastest way to have to surrender and

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Speaker 1: just you can't. You can't just fall back, babe. What's

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Speaker 1: so crazy about pregnancy and why I ask and labor

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Speaker 1: and things like that is because no one knows how

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Speaker 1: it's gonna go. Ye, your doctor doesn't even know how

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Speaker 1: it's gonna go. Nobody knows how your body's gonna respond

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Speaker 1: to it. You just are like, here we go, Like

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Speaker 1: no one knows how this is gonna go. If it's

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Speaker 1: going to end up in a C section, if I'm

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Speaker 1: going to labor for a long time a short time,

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Speaker 1: if I'm gonna feel sick, if I'm gonna feel well,

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Speaker 1: if I'm gonna love it, I'm gonna hate it. I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna bring the baby home and feel connected or disconnected,

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Speaker 1: like it's a fucking abyss. Yeah, you don't know, and

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Speaker 1: everyone's ship is different. How was labor? Were you scared?

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Speaker 1: So let me tell you. Giving birth, other than being

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Speaker 1: taken and kept, giving birth is my biggest fear. When

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Speaker 1: I got pregnant, I was like, I'm getting a C section.

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Speaker 1: I'm not interested in having a vaginal birth. I you know,

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Speaker 1: kind of was like I feel like, now we're all like,

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Speaker 1: if you are a feminist, you have to have like

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Speaker 1: a water birth at home. Otherwise you're saying that like

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Speaker 1: this or that, like the patriarchy made you do it.

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Speaker 1: And I just kind of was like, no, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to I don't want to do it. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to do it. I don't want to do it.

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Speaker 1: And I was so so fucking scared. And then I

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Speaker 1: realized that what I was the most scared of was

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Speaker 1: the recovery. Like I was scared of getting an epidural

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Speaker 1: like a needle in my back, and I was afraid

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Speaker 1: of stitches in my you know, vagina, and like paraneum

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Speaker 1: and having to pee and poop, and like just I

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Speaker 1: just like imagining it like tearing open again, like while

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Speaker 1: I was at home, and it just felt like torture.

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Speaker 1: I just I was, I was so scared. Listen to

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Speaker 1: this people who were listening to this podcast who have

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Speaker 1: never had a baby before. It's it's terrifying. It's so scary.

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Speaker 1: But then it seemed like when I was actually you know, thinking,

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Speaker 1: like like just I asked literally everyone that I knew

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Speaker 1: who had had a baby, what would they prefer? A

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Speaker 1: C section or a vaginal birth even with tearing, and overwhelmingly, um,

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Speaker 1: the people I talked to were like, the recovery from

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Speaker 1: a vaginal birth is quicker, and like it isn't the

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Speaker 1: same as like breaking your leg. And one thing, actually,

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Speaker 1: Rebecca said to me when she was asking me like

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Speaker 1: what I was afraid of, I was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I was. I was telling her like the recovery in

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Speaker 1: the moment, and she was like, you you know you're

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Speaker 1: going into this. It's not like a car accident, you

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Speaker 1: know it Like while there will be surprises probably along

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Speaker 1: the way, it's not like you thought you were just

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Speaker 1: going to you know, the whole foods are whenever the

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Speaker 1: cvs and like you just got t boned, it's not that.

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Speaker 1: And um, I was like so fucking scared. And then

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Speaker 1: my due date came and I was like basically ready

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Speaker 1: for my vagina to explode, like at midnight on my

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Speaker 1: due date, and it like there's nothing happened. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, uh okay, and then like day by day,

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Speaker 1: I was like, where is it. Let's go, let's go.

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Speaker 1: And I went to the doctor and she was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, okay, so it's like you're a week past

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Speaker 1: her due day. How are you feeling? And I was like,

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Speaker 1: I feel, you know, fine, but my scietica is so

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Speaker 1: bad it's like stopping me in my tracks. She was

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Speaker 1: like giving me a sonogram, I guess, and she was

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Speaker 1: like checking is that yeah? She's like is this is

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Speaker 1: this your scietica? And I was like yeah, and she

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Speaker 1: was like no, no, no, you're in labor. You're in labor.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, I guess I've been in

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Speaker 1: labor for a couple of days. I oops. I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize that. And all of a sudden, I was like, right,

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Speaker 1: You're not to feel a pain that is an alien sensation.

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00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,960
Speaker 1: You're just most likely going to feel a magnification of

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Speaker 1: something that has its origins in something you've already felt.

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Speaker 1: M that's a really interesting, cool way to put it

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden. I was like, oh I I

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Speaker 1: can't take this all on at once. It is minute

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Speaker 1: by minute. It does come in waves. And I I

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Speaker 1: went to the hospital. The doctor was like, if you're not,

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Speaker 1: you're not at the hospital by eight pm. Like, if

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Speaker 1: you are, I went to labor at home for a

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Speaker 1: little while and she was like, I want you there

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Speaker 1: by eight and if you're not, you know, if the

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Speaker 1: contractions haven't really progressed, we're gonna give you potosan. And

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Speaker 1: I got potoson and they said that it wasn't going

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Speaker 1: to be like zero to a hundred, but it definitely was.

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Speaker 1: It felt like a really really loud sound was inside

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Speaker 1: of my body and it was hurting me really badly,

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Speaker 1: Like it just felt sonic. It was like this is

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Speaker 1: It was like elevator doors of pain just opening and shutting.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I remember that is a god you're

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Speaker 1: it's I think it's amazing that you're you're so you're

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Speaker 1: so um great with words, You're so great at at

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Speaker 1: describing things, because you're really like putting me back, I'm

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Speaker 1: terrible with words, but I I just that is exactly

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Speaker 1: how it feels. I mean, when a contraction comes on.

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Speaker 1: It is like an elevator door of pain, and then

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Speaker 1: it closes and it's completely gone. And then you get

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Speaker 1: this like one or two minute break and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that was crazy, and then you can feel it coming

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Speaker 1: on again, and it's like a fucking freight train. It's

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Speaker 1: so bad. So you labored at home for a while

381
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Speaker 1: and did were you like, I want to get to

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Speaker 1: the hospital when the doctor said, or were you like,

383
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Speaker 1: I just want to get to the hospital so that,

384
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Speaker 1: like I'm around doctors, does the hospital freak you out?

385
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,000
Speaker 1: Usually like if I'm visiting someone in a hospital, it

386
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: makes me feel sad and I want to leave. For birth.

387
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,280
Speaker 1: I was like, I want to be in the hospital.

388
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Speaker 1: I want like every fucking doctor in the world to

389
00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:53,359
Speaker 1: know that I'm there. I want an epidural. I was

390
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,679
Speaker 1: so focused on, like, I don't want to feel the tearing.

391
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,359
Speaker 1: I was like so scared about that. And then I

392
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 1: was also frightened about, you know, getting an epidural too

393
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:06,239
Speaker 1: soon and making it harder to dilate. And my my

394
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:11,440
Speaker 1: daughter um was having some heartbeat issues. But then I

395
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,440
Speaker 1: kind of was like, you know, what if I do

396
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,520
Speaker 1: get a C section, I'm not going to feel it

397
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 1: and I do know that and like whatever, So I

398
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 1: was just like I was afraid of the epidural not working.

399
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:24,199
Speaker 1: But anyway, we labored at home. My husband owns the

400
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,639
Speaker 1: general store in our town in Massachusetts, and they were

401
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,639
Speaker 1: applying for a liquor license. So we were on the

402
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: zoom with the town select board. Get out of here,

403
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,840
Speaker 1: and I was like having contractions, like light contractions every

404
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,040
Speaker 1: ten minutes. And um, we were like, wow, we're like

405
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,399
Speaker 1: scoring a liquor license and and it was like really

406
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,919
Speaker 1: funny and cool. And then then like I started to

407
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,480
Speaker 1: have the bloody show and all of that, and we

408
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,760
Speaker 1: called Rebecca and she came over and then just like

409
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,679
Speaker 1: right on time, we went to the hospital. Everything was

410
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,439
Speaker 1: like pretty gentle at that point, and then it just

411
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 1: ramped up and then I was in a cycle of intense,

412
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,879
Speaker 1: you know, potoson induced contractions that I mean, the only

413
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 1: thing that got me through was that Rebecca did she

414
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 1: did she do to you, like that intense side squeezing

415
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,199
Speaker 1: where she would like squeeze your hips. It was incredible

416
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 1: how much that helped, and my husband never looking away

417
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,879
Speaker 1: from me for a second. I was so afraid of

418
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,920
Speaker 1: being alone, and um, like I don't even remember him peeing.

419
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:33,399
Speaker 1: I really don't, you know. And then after like six

420
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,080
Speaker 1: or seven hours, I was still only a centimeter and

421
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Speaker 1: a half and I was like I quit, And you

422
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 1: were like expecting them to be like, I'm at least

423
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,680
Speaker 1: at six I'm about oh your water. Did your water

424
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 1: break on its own? Or did I break it for you?

425
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,160
Speaker 1: It broke on its own after like a few hours,

426
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,119
Speaker 1: when I was like in a crazy position. The bed

427
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,199
Speaker 1: was like made into a chair and I was like

428
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,800
Speaker 1: facing the back of the chair like almost like I

429
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:02,480
Speaker 1: was like doing a lap dance on nobody, Like I

430
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 1: know someone who gave birth in that position. Yeah, I

431
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 1: mean I can understand it. And it's like my water broke.

432
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 1: But then it was like all of this marconium started

433
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:15,000
Speaker 1: coming out. You know that it can be really dangerous

434
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 1: if the baby like releases that inside of you. And

435
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,920
Speaker 1: it was like those you're listening, it's like marconium is

436
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: like the baby goes to the bathroom in the birth

437
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,200
Speaker 1: canal or just above it, and so now there's poop

438
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 1: in your birth canal, which can be very dangerous if

439
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,880
Speaker 1: the baby starts breathing it in and so things start

440
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,679
Speaker 1: to escalate in the stressed department. I thought, I'm fucked

441
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,960
Speaker 1: now in terms of a vaginal delivery, and I'm going

442
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,560
Speaker 1: to have to have a C section, and all of

443
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,440
Speaker 1: a sudden, so then I got the epidural um, which

444
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:48,639
Speaker 1: I thought would be like the scariest thing that had

445
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 1: ever happened to me, and it, honestly, it wasn't. It

446
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,720
Speaker 1: just wasn't. It just wasn't that bad, Like, like, it hurt,

447
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 1: but not not as bad as the contractions. What I

448
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,679
Speaker 1: was afraid of was that a contraction would start during it,

449
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,320
Speaker 1: because I was like, there's no way I'll be able

450
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,400
Speaker 1: to sit still. You have to sit completely still. Um.

451
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 1: They made it sound like it was gonna take forever.

452
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: I don't remember taking forever. It's like twenty minutes at

453
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,359
Speaker 1: the most. Yeah, it felt like three minutes to me.

454
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 1: I'm sure it was twenty minutes, but like time does

455
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: not make sense, I guess, like for me in the

456
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:24,200
Speaker 1: memory of my own giving birth. But then I just

457
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,959
Speaker 1: felt huge relief. I could still move my legs a

458
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,720
Speaker 1: little bit, I did not feel my contractions anymore. I

459
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: started dilating really quickly. It still was I don't know,

460
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:41,919
Speaker 1: like a goold, probably seven hours before I actually gave birth,

461
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,879
Speaker 1: maybe less, I don't know. Um you can see the

462
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,280
Speaker 1: contractions on the monitor, but you're not feeling them. And

463
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,840
Speaker 1: I slept and I was like very chatty, and I

464
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:55,840
Speaker 1: was like having Italian ice, and delicious just became like, you,

465
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,119
Speaker 1: we do need to get this baby out because every

466
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,400
Speaker 1: time I would have it can traction, her heart rate

467
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:05,920
Speaker 1: would really go down. So you know, eventually, like when

468
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: we got to that pushing part, I had done a lot,

469
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 1: a lot of like hypno birthing meditations. Can you explain

470
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:14,919
Speaker 1: a little bit for those listening what that is and

471
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,760
Speaker 1: whether that helped you at all? I do think it

472
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: helped me, but I don't think I had put myself

473
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,160
Speaker 1: into self hypnosis. But basically what it is, I followed

474
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:27,119
Speaker 1: the recordings of a doctor named Dr Gowrie Matha m

475
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 1: O t h A. She leads you through a visualization

476
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,760
Speaker 1: to help put you into self hypnosis and you learn

477
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 1: how to do that to yourself. And then from week

478
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:41,120
Speaker 1: twenty on, every day I listened to this meditation that

479
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,960
Speaker 1: tells you exactly what happens in your body when you're

480
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:48,200
Speaker 1: giving birth. So while I don't think I was hypnotized.

481
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,439
Speaker 1: I had a very clear understanding of what was happening

482
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:55,399
Speaker 1: in my body, and I really liked that I was

483
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,000
Speaker 1: aware that, Um, I'm I'm worried that the baby won't

484
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,240
Speaker 1: come out of my china, but I'm not in physical

485
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 1: pain anymore, and so I can be calm. Um, even

486
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,160
Speaker 1: though I'm worried, I actually can be calm if I focus,

487
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,680
Speaker 1: If I focus on you know that my partner's here,

488
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,480
Speaker 1: that Rebecca really knows what she's doing, that Susanne, my

489
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,320
Speaker 1: doctor knows what she's doing, like all of this, and

490
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,040
Speaker 1: and that that that's working for me. And so I

491
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:26,679
Speaker 1: think that that calmness came from that daily like repetition. Um.

492
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 1: But I was really a push away from a C section,

493
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,880
Speaker 1: I mean really, and I did feel the tearing and

494
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,320
Speaker 1: I literally asked the doctor after the baby was born,

495
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:42,480
Speaker 1: if my if my clint ripped in half, and she

496
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: was like she was like, Jenny know, like it was

497
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,919
Speaker 1: like it was like I just I did feel that

498
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,280
Speaker 1: at the at the I just was so The one

499
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:54,040
Speaker 1: thing I wish I could have chilled out about was

500
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,400
Speaker 1: like I was like, I don't want to feel anything.

501
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:56,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel anything, and it was like, Okay,

502
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,280
Speaker 1: well you're giving birth, so like you probably we are

503
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 1: going to feel a little something, you know, And I did. Um,

504
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:08,000
Speaker 1: and I had. I didn't have like insane tearing, but

505
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,280
Speaker 1: I did have some I don't know how many stitches

506
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,920
Speaker 1: I had, but um, I was a push away. They

507
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,200
Speaker 1: were like, this is your last chance, and we were

508
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:21,199
Speaker 1: using the suction. Oh my god, Jenny. What all I

509
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 1: remember was I was like, oh my god, this is

510
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 1: exactly like Rebecca's class, Like it's exactly I'm in the

511
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 1: same position. It's exactly the same. But you know, I

512
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: got into the hospital eight. I feel like around midnight

513
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:37,600
Speaker 1: Rebecca got there because they were like we were kind

514
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,960
Speaker 1: of waiting, and then they were like, if you're Dula

515
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: doesn't come now, she's not gonna be able to come

516
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,600
Speaker 1: in because they put a ban on having to support

517
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: people because of COVID that night, so they were like,

518
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,560
Speaker 1: if you're she doesn't come by midnight, she can't come

519
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:51,720
Speaker 1: in at all. Um. Also, yeah, I was in a

520
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 1: mask for the whole time. Ben couldn't go out to

521
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,440
Speaker 1: get food, like we were like kind of locked in

522
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 1: that room. And then I want to say, around two

523
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,840
Speaker 1: or three in the morning, I got the epidural and

524
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:05,800
Speaker 1: then the baby was born at six p m. It

525
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: felt like I was pushing for twenty minutes, but maybe

526
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:12,040
Speaker 1: actually I think it ended up that it was like

527
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 1: quite a few hours. So the doctor says to you,

528
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,440
Speaker 1: we're going to get this suction thing, which were people

529
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,080
Speaker 1: who are listening. It's sort of like a little tube

530
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 1: vacuum right that they put up there. It's like a plunger.

531
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,840
Speaker 1: I explained it to me because she was crowning. I

532
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 1: could not get her out of my vagina. And they

533
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:34,120
Speaker 1: put the like the top of it on the baby's

534
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,880
Speaker 1: head and they literally kind of like pull on it.

535
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:40,560
Speaker 1: And Ben said that he because you know, like it's

536
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: still so soft. He was like, oh my god. He

537
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 1: said that he thought it was going to rip the

538
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: baby's head off. So and Ida came out with like

539
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 1: huge scabs. They were like, Okay, this is the last

540
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 1: You're only allowed to I think you're only allowed to

541
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:58,240
Speaker 1: do it four times. You can only do it safely

542
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: a certain amount of times before you have to up

543
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,000
Speaker 1: and get a C section, and um, the baby was

544
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: starting to be in distress. So Susanne, my doctor was like,

545
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,560
Speaker 1: this is the last time she put like all this

546
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 1: mineral oil on me. Rebecca said, she like really got

547
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:20,239
Speaker 1: into my vagina. Um. I I had to be like

548
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 1: really quiet. Um. I was starting to be like really

549
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: loud just out of frustration, and then like just kind

550
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 1: of channeled it all down and and the doctor did

551
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 1: literally every single thing she could do two pull Ida out,

552
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:43,840
Speaker 1: and she did. When she finally came out, we saw

553
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 1: that the cord was wrapped around not just her neck

554
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,800
Speaker 1: but also her foot, which was like, so why she

555
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,280
Speaker 1: was in such respiratory distress and was in the nick

556
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 1: for two days. Um. I didn't even really get to

557
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,000
Speaker 1: hold her, like they put her up on my chest

558
00:30:58,040 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 1: and then they were like we have to take her.

559
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,240
Speaker 1: And I felt like, oh my god, I'm I'm being

560
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 1: an asshole. I'm I'm trying to hold the baby when

561
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 1: the baby needs to go. This isn't about me. And

562
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:09,600
Speaker 1: Ben had to go with the baby and I was

563
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: there and I was like genuinely so confused. And I

564
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:20,959
Speaker 1: still think of it as a positive experience because I

565
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 1: I just felt like the baby was going to be okay,

566
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 1: and that the birth was over, and that you had

567
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: done it and I had done it, and the placenta

568
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,239
Speaker 1: came out and it was like completely toxic that I

569
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 1: was planning on dehydrating it and ingesting it to help

570
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:39,000
Speaker 1: with hormone transfer. And the doctor was like no. He

571
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 1: was like, do not, do not, do not eat this.

572
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 1: It is it is completely no. You absolutely and she

573
00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:46,480
Speaker 1: was like this has to go, and I was like okay,

574
00:31:46,640 --> 00:32:04,640
Speaker 1: and then get so the baby gets rushed to the

575
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,760
Speaker 1: Nike you is Ben coming back or is anyone telling

576
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 1: you that she's okay, that that the respiratory thing is okay?

577
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,920
Speaker 1: Are you getting word? Are you just like what's happening? Uh? Yeah?

578
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:22,040
Speaker 1: He was texting me, um so I knew he likes

579
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:27,200
Speaker 1: sent a picture of them holding hands. I just felt

580
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 1: like that it was gonna be okay. It was. I

581
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,160
Speaker 1: don't know why I thought it would be okay, Honestly,

582
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,320
Speaker 1: I just I think I needed to feel that way

583
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 1: because I was like by myself and I and he

584
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,640
Speaker 1: was with her, and I just thought this is just

585
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 1: gonna have to work. I just remember like eating a

586
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:46,480
Speaker 1: turkey sandwich in the recovery. Hell yeah, I made the

587
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 1: same choice those fucking cold cuts, Like give me a

588
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:54,200
Speaker 1: fucking sum Oh yeah. Yeah. So she's in the Nike

589
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 1: for two days, but you're there. How was your post

590
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:05,240
Speaker 1: part of Did you feel so empowered? Did you feel terrified?

591
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 1: Did you feel ready to take her home? Did you

592
00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: want to get out of there? I liked being there. Um.

593
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 1: I liked being there because I felt pretty safe. Everything

594
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:20,480
Speaker 1: was so unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And

595
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: even just peeing, I was like, Okay, this is what

596
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 1: it is. This is what I was afraid of. The

597
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 1: thing I was afraid of happened. I have I have tearing,

598
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 1: I'm I'm trying to pee. It's it's okay. I had

599
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 1: the dermoplast spray um numbs and I was just like

600
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:41,479
Speaker 1: spraying that on there and icing it and like I

601
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: just took care of it. I really was like pretty

602
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:48,959
Speaker 1: obsessed with trying to minimize my pain. I I for

603
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,520
Speaker 1: a little while, I took like a stronger pain med um.

604
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 1: As long as the doctor was like, this is okay,

605
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,280
Speaker 1: it's not gonna like go into your breast milk. Uh

606
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,760
Speaker 1: like at most like per apps it could make the

607
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 1: baby a little bit drowsy, and like I was like,

608
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,200
Speaker 1: I guess that I'm fine with that as long as

609
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:09,239
Speaker 1: that's like, as long as you're saying it's safe. Yeah,

610
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 1: like it's okay if my baby is a little bit drowsy. Um,

611
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,799
Speaker 1: she's already sleeping all the time. And you know, like

612
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,839
Speaker 1: I just was like, is that a big deal? And

613
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 1: obviously for everyone it's different. Like some people are just

614
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,600
Speaker 1: like they just do not want any intervention in any way,

615
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:27,120
Speaker 1: and I'm just not that person. Um, but I definitely

616
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:29,680
Speaker 1: did trust that it was safe. And you know, we

617
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:31,600
Speaker 1: were like Ben and I were in the recovery for

618
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,880
Speaker 1: two days. We would visit Ida in the nick. You

619
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,239
Speaker 1: it kind of felt like she was like somebody that

620
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:39,239
Speaker 1: we met that we loved that we were like going

621
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,120
Speaker 1: to visit and then she was deciding on whether or

622
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:42,600
Speaker 1: not she wanted to live with us, and like she

623
00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:46,359
Speaker 1: decided yes, and like I felt kind of like she's

624
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 1: so cool, like Ben said, she's like the coolest person

625
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 1: in the room. We felt like that, and we were

626
00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:54,560
Speaker 1: just like sleeping on a twin bed. We watched Paddington

627
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:58,799
Speaker 1: two and it was about to be Christmas, and we

628
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 1: felt like there were ports on Ida were just like

629
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:04,680
Speaker 1: she was getting stronger and stronger, and that meant everything

630
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: to us, you know, leaving the hospital feeling and looking

631
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:12,839
Speaker 1: kind of still pregnant, Like I knew that that would happen,

632
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:16,120
Speaker 1: but it was sort of it was hard, like my

633
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:18,680
Speaker 1: feet didn't fit in my shoes. I bought like special

634
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,719
Speaker 1: shoes for myself. I was like when I leave the

635
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: hospital and where these like loafers that I got, And

636
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,320
Speaker 1: it was like, that is not happening. I was wearing

637
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:31,520
Speaker 1: my hospital slippers. Yeah, you're like fat ass sauce, especially

638
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:34,360
Speaker 1: from the epidural. Your feet are so crazy, so swollen,

639
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 1: so swollen. I love that you were like not into

640
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 1: your gorgeous pregnant body and yet you were like my

641
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:44,040
Speaker 1: bloated ass epidural feature first, so I will take a

642
00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:48,680
Speaker 1: picture of um and your stomach. I mean, how weird

643
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:53,520
Speaker 1: is your stomach? After? It's so weird. It's so and

644
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:57,600
Speaker 1: I did like empty an empty bag. Yeah, it's just

645
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,799
Speaker 1: a big bag, like a Santa bag. I filled with

646
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 1: no more presence but like the memory of something. It's

647
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 1: just like it was so I just was like, oh

648
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:11,320
Speaker 1: my god, and I felt like I just have to

649
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,400
Speaker 1: figure out how to feed this baby. I just have

650
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 1: to figure out how to do this. And it again,

651
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 1: it is like it's like an hour by hour. It

652
00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 1: was for me like an hour by hour existence. Not

653
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:23,439
Speaker 1: that I felt like at the end of this hour,

654
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,959
Speaker 1: I will surely die, but like I just can't think

655
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:30,239
Speaker 1: farther than that. And um, I know that when my

656
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 1: milk came in that I went on that hormone roller

657
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,920
Speaker 1: coaster ride that felt like I had smoked the worst

658
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,640
Speaker 1: weed in the world. And I was like hyper paranoid.

659
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 1: Were you paranoid that something was going to happen to her?

660
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 1: Were you scared something was going to happen to her?

661
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,480
Speaker 1: I felt like I didn't exist. I felt like I

662
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:51,680
Speaker 1: was like a ghost. Like I was like everyone's walking

663
00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 1: in here and they don't know that I'm dead, Like

664
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,319
Speaker 1: they like I'm dead and they don't know I'm still here.

665
00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,719
Speaker 1: That's how it felt. And um, I was happy, like

666
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 1: I was, you know, I wasn't like this is a mistake.

667
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 1: I just I was like, I think I have to

668
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:12,240
Speaker 1: think about this as like a spiritual rebirth of myself, um,

669
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,920
Speaker 1: and I have to depend on the goodness that I

670
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:19,719
Speaker 1: know as like sort of pillars for a temple that

671
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,400
Speaker 1: is like being built. I just kind of was like

672
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:26,160
Speaker 1: I have to just like make eat food, you know,

673
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 1: like drink water and like I just you're literally like

674
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 1: building a new person, Like I think I think what

675
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,320
Speaker 1: we're feeling is like the new channels of like DNA

676
00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:40,840
Speaker 1: that are like forming in your brain or your heart

677
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:43,880
Speaker 1: or your spirit. Yeah, I mean you're basically on drugs,

678
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 1: like your hormones are like drug But I mean, yeah,

679
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:49,879
Speaker 1: I think I phrased it in a way that makes

680
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,960
Speaker 1: it more appetizing now. But in the time, I was

681
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: like I don't fucking exist and like like sort of

682
00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 1: cheaper things like I'm not important, Like do I even

683
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:02,760
Speaker 1: matter now that I had the baby? Is the baby

684
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 1: just a present for everyone else? And I'm just like

685
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,160
Speaker 1: nothing now, Like have I just been a vessel? Like

686
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:13,279
Speaker 1: all these weird, weird, like scared fear based things that

687
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,879
Speaker 1: in the moment it can be really scary. And then

688
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,719
Speaker 1: I also had this weird thing of like I had

689
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:21,880
Speaker 1: signed on to do a movie ten weeks after I

690
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 1: had Ida. I remember hearing that in like the last

691
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:29,400
Speaker 1: yoga classes before I left the prenatal Zoom to go

692
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:32,640
Speaker 1: give birth to Vera. I remember you coming in being

693
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:37,839
Speaker 1: like I just like you were like, I have this

694
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:42,920
Speaker 1: opportunity and you knew you were on the precipice of

695
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:49,080
Speaker 1: a huge identity shift um and not knowing what ten

696
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:52,400
Speaker 1: weeks postpartum even looks like your feels like, let alone

697
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:56,799
Speaker 1: carrying a fucking rom com or. I think I had

698
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 1: everything in place, and I was very very diligent about

699
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 1: our friends did they made a pod. We have like

700
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 1: five besties plus Ben's brother and his wife. They all

701
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 1: lived nearby. They did come and visit us. That was incredible,

702
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:14,240
Speaker 1: really nice. They like cleaned our house and made food

703
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:19,040
Speaker 1: and um, and we had the night nurses were a pair.

704
00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:21,480
Speaker 1: They were they like so they didn't get burnt out.

705
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 1: They would do like one would do three days a

706
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 1: week and one would do four and they would switch off.

707
00:39:25,920 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 1: And I did not get postpartum depression at that point, luckily,

708
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:36,239
Speaker 1: and I just I took it pretty seriously, the sort

709
00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 1: of first forty days kind of deal. After giving birth,

710
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 1: I was I was like in bed a lot, I

711
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:46,840
Speaker 1: was learning my lines. After six weeks past, I started

712
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: to take walks around our neighborhood. Um. I had been

713
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:56,400
Speaker 1: so cruel to myself about my body in my twenties

714
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,600
Speaker 1: that at you know, I was almost de nine when

715
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 1: I had Ida, and I just was like I'm not

716
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:07,960
Speaker 1: going to like torture myself to be in whatever shape

717
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:11,360
Speaker 1: or whatever for a job if that's not in the

718
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 1: cards for me. I just I need to be reasonable.

719
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,239
Speaker 1: I do. I don't want to like look pregnant in

720
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,880
Speaker 1: this film, you know. But I was like, I'm gonna

721
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,759
Speaker 1: do what is reasonable for me. I'm happy with the

722
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: way that that was. But there was a lot still

723
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,520
Speaker 1: even though I was like, be very kind, be very

724
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:30,919
Speaker 1: kind of me, being like, oh my god, everyone's gonna

725
00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:34,439
Speaker 1: think I'm like, you know that I look bad, And

726
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 1: that was those feelings are horrible to have. Um, and

727
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:42,480
Speaker 1: I just really didn't want to lose focus on my baby.

728
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:45,960
Speaker 1: And but I I struggled with having a different body

729
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 1: for sure. And now I look back and I'm like,

730
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:52,080
Speaker 1: that was a beautiful body. And um, I'm not great

731
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:54,600
Speaker 1: with change, you know. I'm like pretty bad in transition.

732
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:57,560
Speaker 1: It's not my strongest point. And it was hard for me.

733
00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:01,879
Speaker 1: But I started to work out with a trainer three

734
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:03,880
Speaker 1: times a week, doing like teeny tiny things on a

735
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,799
Speaker 1: mat in my living room. I just I felt like,

736
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:11,719
Speaker 1: even though I still emotionally struggled, that I didn't do

737
00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:16,200
Speaker 1: any behaviors that ended up being unhealthy for me. Um,

738
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: and that was good. You know, that was good for me.

739
00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:22,479
Speaker 1: Then I went and I did the film. I'm really

740
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:25,120
Speaker 1: glad I did it. I loved every fucking person on

741
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:28,120
Speaker 1: that movie. And my husband was like, I really think

742
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:29,920
Speaker 1: you should go. You should because I think then we're

743
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,840
Speaker 1: going to be back in Massachusetts and he had just

744
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:34,400
Speaker 1: bought the general store and he was like, you know,

745
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 1: you're gonna want to remember that you can work. And

746
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:42,319
Speaker 1: did work. So that was really good. And but then

747
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:48,359
Speaker 1: I'll just say around seven months, when Ida was seven

748
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,400
Speaker 1: months old, like I really started to feel depressed. Is

749
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,480
Speaker 1: that when you weaned? I decided to wean at that point.

750
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:58,560
Speaker 1: And I've gone through depression before, usually situational depression, like

751
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:00,319
Speaker 1: I don't know when I got fired from so now

752
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,880
Speaker 1: I became very depressed and despondent, but it felt situational.

753
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:08,400
Speaker 1: This felt like I'm a little bit confused about my

754
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:11,640
Speaker 1: own self worth and that doesn't make sense, just like,

755
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,480
Speaker 1: really don't feel like I'm here. I feel dissociated. I

756
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:18,759
Speaker 1: feel bad. Did you lose your connection to Ida? Did

757
00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:22,360
Speaker 1: you feel connected to her? Or did you lose feeling

758
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 1: connected her? Or was she like your safe space. Amidst

759
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:29,200
Speaker 1: those sort of darker feelings, I felt very connected to her,

760
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:32,239
Speaker 1: but I also felt like I'd never want to be

761
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:34,080
Speaker 1: away from the baby, and also I need to take

762
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:36,520
Speaker 1: some time away from the baby. You know. I just

763
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:41,120
Speaker 1: felt like a difficult and uh ambivalence or like I

764
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:44,839
Speaker 1: just felt split, like I need to just go take

765
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:47,439
Speaker 1: a walk, but I would be like afraid to leave

766
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:51,040
Speaker 1: her for a second. And we also have like a

767
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 1: great nanny here, you know, like I had the ability

768
00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:54,520
Speaker 1: to do that, and I would just kind of like

769
00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:59,400
Speaker 1: linger around. But mostly I think I just felt tied

770
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:03,600
Speaker 1: to the pump, like I just for some reason, I

771
00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:05,960
Speaker 1: was like obsessed with hating the pump and I just

772
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:07,520
Speaker 1: hated it. And I was like I never want to

773
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,319
Speaker 1: see this fucking thing again. And I was like I

774
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,360
Speaker 1: really hated that breast pump even though it was so

775
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:15,400
Speaker 1: helpful to me at work. Um, and I finally was

776
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,360
Speaker 1: like I want to not see this ship again. I

777
00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 1: don't want it. I hate it. I hate the breast pump.

778
00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:22,120
Speaker 1: It's not about the baby, it's not about my life,

779
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:24,600
Speaker 1: it's not even about me. I actually just fucking hate

780
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:29,440
Speaker 1: this breast pump and I can't make enough milk um

781
00:43:29,520 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 1: unless I pumped, like I couldn't, like, she wouldn't stay

782
00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:36,840
Speaker 1: on my bob like long enough. And um, I felt

783
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:40,560
Speaker 1: a weird guilt about going to a formula, but I

784
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:44,359
Speaker 1: talked to Alexa consultant, Yeah, and I like, we went

785
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:49,120
Speaker 1: and we used Bobby formula. Um, people love it. Yeah,

786
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:51,719
Speaker 1: it was great. I remember being so scared the first

787
00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:53,880
Speaker 1: bottle I mixed with my own breast milk and I

788
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,480
Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna and it was like nothing, It

789
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:00,359
Speaker 1: was fine, it was she loved it. I also think

790
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: what's not talked about a lot of women I talked

791
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:11,320
Speaker 1: to have some of their biggest emotional hormonal shifting happening

792
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,400
Speaker 1: around the weaning time. You know, there are alarms and

793
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:17,600
Speaker 1: red flags are up in the postpartum six week window,

794
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:21,480
Speaker 1: which it should be, but no one gives a flying

795
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:26,080
Speaker 1: funk about a woman who's weaning at five months, four months,

796
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:29,000
Speaker 1: six months, eight months, one year, two years, and there's

797
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:33,840
Speaker 1: a massive fall off, massive fall off there. Yeah, yeah,

798
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 1: it was. I mean I couldn't keep up with making

799
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:40,759
Speaker 1: the milk. I I did feel really really bad about that,

800
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: and but generally I look, yeah, I look back on

801
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:45,480
Speaker 1: that set of feelings now, And I'm like that was

802
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:48,680
Speaker 1: really hormonal. You know, like there are other things about

803
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:53,719
Speaker 1: motherhood that I'm like, oh my god, this like immense

804
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:59,880
Speaker 1: shift occurred. And that's because of, you know, an acceleration

805
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:02,320
Speaker 1: of my personal work that I've been doing in therapy

806
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:06,240
Speaker 1: that then motherhood encouraged me to take bigger risks about

807
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 1: and like, um believe in like different truths. How do

808
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:14,720
Speaker 1: you feel now with the fourteen month old the fifteen

809
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:18,680
Speaker 1: month old? How do you guys split the workload? How

810
00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:21,680
Speaker 1: does your identity shift? How are you kind to yourself?

811
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 1: Tell me what you've learned? I mean, just go off

812
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:28,480
Speaker 1: in that area. Well, we're fifty fifty on the childcare,

813
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:33,120
Speaker 1: you know, um litally like split it very evenly. Right now,

814
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:35,239
Speaker 1: Ben has his first book out, so we've been on

815
00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:36,880
Speaker 1: like a book tour for him, and I am more

816
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:39,399
Speaker 1: primary parent in that time because like there's just more

817
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:42,280
Speaker 1: ship for him to do. But like you know, in

818
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,440
Speaker 1: a month, my Marcel movie comes out and that's going

819
00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: to be a lot of travel for me, so he'll

820
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:49,560
Speaker 1: be taking you know, the bronk. But we we try

821
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:52,080
Speaker 1: to say in really clear communication about the child care

822
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:56,759
Speaker 1: so that nobody feels like their work is being disregarded,

823
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:59,239
Speaker 1: because I think it's really really important to both of us.

824
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 1: We super identify with both being you know, creative people

825
00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:05,200
Speaker 1: and when we need that to be happening. But I

826
00:46:05,239 --> 00:46:07,920
Speaker 1: will say right now, what I am noticing the most

827
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:11,360
Speaker 1: is that when I am tired, I'm just a less

828
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: capable person. I'm less capable of like functional disagreements and

829
00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:24,239
Speaker 1: just way more reactive. I am noticing this week, especially

830
00:46:25,239 --> 00:46:27,880
Speaker 1: that I am feeling a bunch of like really old

831
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 1: feelings and reactions like this, like weird instinct that I

832
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:35,040
Speaker 1: have to like characterize people a certain way when I

833
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:39,480
Speaker 1: feel like I'm underserved as a person. That makes me

834
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:42,239
Speaker 1: feel bad, make me feel kind of negative about the

835
00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:46,680
Speaker 1: world and about my options. And I am I'm able

836
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:51,120
Speaker 1: to recognize that it is because of like supreme exhaustion,

837
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:56,960
Speaker 1: and I am I am really tired. Do you feel

838
00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,640
Speaker 1: like you're so tired because you're balancing, like your work

839
00:47:00,719 --> 00:47:03,319
Speaker 1: life balance. I know your primary right now while Ben

840
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:05,400
Speaker 1: is on a book tour, but like, does it just

841
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 1: feel like you're you're so busy with work? What's your

842
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,719
Speaker 1: support system? Like you have a full you have a

843
00:47:11,719 --> 00:47:16,920
Speaker 1: full time nanny, our nanny comes from nine to two basically,

844
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:20,840
Speaker 1: and she's like the best. I just I feel like

845
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:23,319
Speaker 1: she's like my nanny, you know, like she's like a

846
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:27,960
Speaker 1: wonderful woman named Jen. She's the best. Like she, I

847
00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 1: really trust him. She's a mother too. I trust her instincts.

848
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:35,439
Speaker 1: But I think my tiredness and Ben's two comes from

849
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:39,600
Speaker 1: just like not consistent sleep. Like you know, our baby

850
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:43,239
Speaker 1: wakes up at five every morning. She often wakes up

851
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:45,640
Speaker 1: a couple of times during the night, and we just

852
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:51,040
Speaker 1: haven't slept well for fourteen months. You know. I feel

853
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:54,480
Speaker 1: so tired that I actually feel kind of like filthy

854
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:59,359
Speaker 1: with exhaustion, Like I I cannot believe what I look like.

855
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,839
Speaker 1: That that's how I feel. And maybe you might say, like, no, no, no,

856
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:07,520
Speaker 1: you know you look fine. I'm like, I can't fucking believe.

857
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:10,360
Speaker 1: And it's not Ida's fault, and I really want to

858
00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:13,480
Speaker 1: make that clear, like it's my own fault. My mom

859
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:15,160
Speaker 1: did a lot of like I look horrible, and I

860
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:18,200
Speaker 1: always took it as like my mom would quote unquote

861
00:48:18,239 --> 00:48:20,320
Speaker 1: feel better or look better or feel better about herself

862
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:23,000
Speaker 1: if I were easier, And so I don't want Ida

863
00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:25,719
Speaker 1: to ever feel that way. It's not about it's not

864
00:48:25,760 --> 00:48:30,840
Speaker 1: about Ida. It's just about um me, Like I can't

865
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:34,839
Speaker 1: remember how to reach for the upkeep that I used

866
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:40,000
Speaker 1: to be involved with, and like the other thing is

867
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,600
Speaker 1: like it's not that important to me, but in the

868
00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:44,399
Speaker 1: grand scheme of things of like what I want to do,

869
00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 1: you know, and and then there's this like odd other

870
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,359
Speaker 1: thing which is like I'm also living the happiest life

871
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 1: I've ever lived. So it's it's confusing. It's this like

872
00:48:54,480 --> 00:49:00,200
Speaker 1: um symphonic clash where I'm like, I don't remember how

873
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:02,160
Speaker 1: to put on makeup. I'm trying to put on my

874
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:04,920
Speaker 1: eye makeup and somehow I'm forty and like everything on

875
00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:07,000
Speaker 1: my face is a slightly different shape and so the

876
00:49:07,080 --> 00:49:08,799
Speaker 1: like lines that I used to make on my face

877
00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:12,200
Speaker 1: now make no sense. I look weird. I don't know

878
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:14,400
Speaker 1: how to do it the new way, and I'm like

879
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:16,440
Speaker 1: it's the first time that I'm like, oh, I guess

880
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:20,720
Speaker 1: this is like why people do like stuff to their face.

881
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:24,160
Speaker 1: But I like, I have like a pretty staunch feeling

882
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 1: or like I just a feeling about my own self

883
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:30,359
Speaker 1: that I'm like I can't can't snot for me. So

884
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:37,080
Speaker 1: I'm just like moisturizing, like praying. When people ask me, like,

885
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:42,640
Speaker 1: what's your self care, I'm like, what are you talking about?

886
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:44,680
Speaker 1: Like I and I have a full time natty, like

887
00:49:44,719 --> 00:49:47,840
Speaker 1: I have someone from eight to four, Like, but it's this,

888
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:50,920
Speaker 1: it is this beautiful dance like you say it just like,

889
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:55,319
Speaker 1: on one hand, it's because I don't give a funk anymore. Yeah,

890
00:49:55,520 --> 00:50:01,920
Speaker 1: something else is just wildly more important in my brain space. Yeah. Um.

891
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:05,560
Speaker 1: But on the other hand, you do feel like a

892
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:09,520
Speaker 1: fucking mess. Oh yeah. I have heard from people though,

893
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:13,400
Speaker 1: that this what we're in right now is the hardest

894
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:16,279
Speaker 1: that it will ever be. I mean, I think that

895
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:18,439
Speaker 1: the teenage years and things like that will be very

896
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:22,400
Speaker 1: hard and difficult in other ways. But I have heard

897
00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:27,240
Speaker 1: that the spaces, it's the sleep deprivation of these first

898
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:33,640
Speaker 1: five years is just impossible. I mean, it's just I mean,

899
00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:37,080
Speaker 1: they use sleep deprivation in war for torture. I mean,

900
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:40,920
Speaker 1: I know it, Like that's what everybody says, and like

901
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:44,360
Speaker 1: it is reiterated for a reason. And actually, like I

902
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:48,520
Speaker 1: just started doing stand up again and Ben said to me,

903
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:52,719
Speaker 1: I cannot believe that you are getting on stage and

904
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:55,160
Speaker 1: you're like doing all of that, And I know you

905
00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:59,160
Speaker 1: haven't slept in fourteen months. You are tired, and it's

906
00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:01,919
Speaker 1: like so art and there are like for me once

907
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:04,160
Speaker 1: a day, I'm like I can't stay awake, and it's

908
00:51:04,239 --> 00:51:07,840
Speaker 1: usually around three thirty and I'm just like, oh my god,

909
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 1: like I love my life, but make my day end,

910
00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:13,000
Speaker 1: like make it be bed time. I'm tired. I'm I can't,

911
00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:15,399
Speaker 1: I can't keep my eyes open. And then I kind

912
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:17,279
Speaker 1: of pushed through and like once it gets to like

913
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 1: four or fifteen, I'm like, Okay, let's go. It's fine.

914
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:25,759
Speaker 1: Your feature length film um adaptation of Marcel Marcel the

915
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,839
Speaker 1: Show with Shoes on your full creative control, do you

916
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:33,439
Speaker 1: think about Ida and motherhood when you make things now?

917
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:40,200
Speaker 1: Like how has your sort of creative artistic life shifted? Well,

918
00:51:40,239 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: I mean I certainly do think about Ida now. When

919
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:47,520
Speaker 1: when we made Marcel um, Ida wasn't you know, I

920
00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:51,359
Speaker 1: wasn't pregnant even um, So that that's sort of it's

921
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,799
Speaker 1: like from a different time, but it's still connected. I

922
00:51:54,840 --> 00:51:57,719
Speaker 1: think now it's just like, you know, I just don't

923
00:51:57,719 --> 00:51:59,799
Speaker 1: want to embarrass her. I don't want to speak about

924
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:02,759
Speaker 1: her without her consent um. So like you know, in

925
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:06,560
Speaker 1: stand up it's like, I just want to talk about myself.

926
00:52:06,719 --> 00:52:09,560
Speaker 1: I believe that the story that I tell about myself

927
00:52:09,840 --> 00:52:13,799
Speaker 1: has to be true, but it can't be reckless. Now

928
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:17,000
Speaker 1: it is about her, um, so instand up, I just

929
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:19,759
Speaker 1: want to be respectful of her. And then I find

930
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 1: myself just more interested in entertainment for children. UM, I

931
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 1: really don't like a lot of this stuff that's out

932
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,919
Speaker 1: there for kids, and I'm in entertainment for children a lot,

933
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:34,279
Speaker 1: but I I'd like to make my own um more

934
00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:38,280
Speaker 1: and more and make like beauty for children. Oh my god,

935
00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:42,480
Speaker 1: can you please like all of us, like, can you

936
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:48,160
Speaker 1: please do that? I hope? Oh my gosh, I really,

937
00:52:48,560 --> 00:52:51,040
Speaker 1: my god. I just felt like that just come through

938
00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:56,839
Speaker 1: your whole like being. That's crazy. Um. Jenny Slate, as

939
00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:01,399
Speaker 1: we're ending this, is there any advice or people who

940
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:04,480
Speaker 1: are listening who might be on that precipice of this

941
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,920
Speaker 1: identity shift or having a baby, what would you say?

942
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:13,360
Speaker 1: I would say that the archetype of the quote unquote

943
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:19,200
Speaker 1: chill mom is false and abusive. It is not your

944
00:53:19,239 --> 00:53:26,160
Speaker 1: responsibility to be chill that that is a weird, horrible request.

945
00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:31,560
Speaker 1: If you're becoming a parent, or if you're pregnant. It's

946
00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:35,600
Speaker 1: a really good opportunity to take a look at what

947
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:41,560
Speaker 1: hurts you and what you need. It's a really cool

948
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:46,480
Speaker 1: opportunity as well to prove to yourself that care in

949
00:53:46,520 --> 00:53:50,600
Speaker 1: the way that you fantasize about healthy care can be real,

950
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:52,799
Speaker 1: and that you can be the person that starts it,

951
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:55,120
Speaker 1: and that instead of being the baby this time, you'll

952
00:53:55,120 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 1: be the parent. But it is, you know, an infinity

953
00:53:58,120 --> 00:54:01,719
Speaker 1: loop there. The other thing is like, I don't know

954
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:04,080
Speaker 1: anything except for what I'm picking up every moment, and

955
00:54:04,120 --> 00:54:07,120
Speaker 1: I think that's probably normal, and sometimes it is very hard.

956
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:12,160
Speaker 1: But that's what's the best. That's so great. Parenthood is

957
00:54:12,800 --> 00:54:21,480
Speaker 1: finish the sense uh uh. Parenthood is a comforting, exhilarating

958
00:54:22,680 --> 00:54:31,000
Speaker 1: slingshot ride into your own identity. Everyone needs Jenny Slate

959
00:54:31,120 --> 00:54:37,600
Speaker 1: to write, illustrate, create, children's books, children's shows. Jenny Slate,

960
00:54:37,800 --> 00:54:40,680
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming on Katie's Crib. I

961
00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:46,800
Speaker 1: learned a ton. I think you are an incredible mother. God,

962
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:51,120
Speaker 1: I just think you're such a fucking cool human to

963
00:54:51,239 --> 00:55:01,920
Speaker 1: be um on this journey alongside. Thank you guys so

964
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,200
Speaker 1: much for listening to today's episode. I want to hear

965
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:09,000
Speaker 1: from you. Let's chat questions, comments, concerns. Let me know.

966
00:55:09,120 --> 00:55:11,600
Speaker 1: You can always find me at Katie's Crib at shawda

967
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:17,120
Speaker 1: land dot com. Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda

968
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:19,960
Speaker 1: land Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more

969
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:22,759
Speaker 1: podcasts from shannaland Audio, visit the I heart Radio app,

970
00:55:22,840 --> 00:55:25,560
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.