WEBVTT - CZM Book Club: The Barrow May Send What it May, Chapter Seven 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:09.680 Cool Zone Media. It's the Cool Zone Media book Club. 0:00:10.440 --> 0:00:12.639 I told you that's always been our jingle. I can't 0:00:12.640 --> 0:00:15.840 believe you all didn't believe me. It is the Cool 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:18.480 Zone Media book Club, which is the only book club 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:20.119 that you don't have to do the reading because I 0:00:20.239 --> 0:00:22.720 do it for you. I'm your host, Margaret Kildoy, and 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:25.920 every week I bring you a story that I want 0:00:25.960 --> 0:00:28.640 to read you. Sometimes I just talk about books I 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:30.800 think that'll come up to and sometimes I do whole 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:33.199 weird radio plays and I think that'll come up too. 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:37.280 But what I do right now is I read you 0:00:37.280 --> 0:00:40.200 a novella that I wrote. I read you The Barrow 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:42.479 Will Send What It May, the second book in the 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:45.560 Danielle Kine series. This book was originally published Oh I 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:48.800 don't know, in twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen from tour dot com. 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:52.080 These were my mainstream published books. These sort of you know, 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:55.400 started my career in many ways. I had several books 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:57.160 that came out before it. I have a book called 0:00:57.600 --> 0:01:00.000 A Country of Ghosts, which is an anarchause you took 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:02.720 a book. I also have this book called What Lies 0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:05.319 Beneath the clock Tower, and it's legally distinct from Chooser 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:07.040 and an adventure book, and it's an adventure of your 0:01:07.080 --> 0:01:10.600 own choosing book. I got a message from the Chooser 0:01:10.720 --> 0:01:12.920 and Adventure of the people in that trademark who informed 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:14.880 me that I was not, in fact going on a 0:01:14.920 --> 0:01:16.600 Chooser and Adventure book tour. I was going on an 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:18.400 Adventure of your own choosing book tour. And I wrote 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:20.880 them back and I said it noted. But when these 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:23.959 two books, the first two Daniel Kine books, came out, 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:25.640 you know, it was like then that I like got 0:01:25.680 --> 0:01:29.919 an agent and started having more people read my books 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:31.959 and things like that, and so there's like a real 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:35.280 particular love that I have for these books. I've probably 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:38.080 talked about this already, but I'm not sure these books. Also, 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:43.679 I've been writing novella's sort of set in this world, 0:01:43.680 --> 0:01:47.360 although without the magic, basically following Daniel Kine before she 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:50.920 was well before she transitioned it became Daniel Kine. I've 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:52.720 been writing them for a very long time. They started 0:01:52.760 --> 0:01:55.440 as a way for me to kind of process my 0:01:56.000 --> 0:02:00.800 strange life of being a crosspunk traveler living in squats 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:03.160 and doing forest defense and things like that, and I 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.920 wanted a way to do that without writing actual memoir 0:02:07.360 --> 0:02:10.000 because at the time I felt like writing my actual 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:13.520 memoirs would kind of be telling other people's stories without 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:19.560 asking them. And also there's some like crime related to 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.160 some of those stories, and I didn't know how I 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:25.760 felt about publishing stories that were like I do crime. Obviously, 0:02:25.800 --> 0:02:29.240 I've never done crime. I would never do crime. Oh, 0:02:29.280 --> 0:02:30.919 this would have been such a good place to transition 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:32.520 to ads because the only crime would have been not 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:35.720 taking advantage of these goods and services. But it's not 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:38.960 time to transition to ads. Instead, it's time for me 0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:42.240 to start reading you this book, the thing that you 0:02:42.320 --> 0:02:46.640 came here to hear me do. I'm going to start 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:49.880 again with a couple paragraphs of the last chapter. Last 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:54.360 chapter was chapter six. Thursday was pinned down behind the dumpster. 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:58.280 Vacillis drew his pistol aloft, but Doomsday snatched it out 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:02.240 of his hand and stepped outside, firing calmly. I don't 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:04.640 think she was aiming to keep those guys pinned down. 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:09.480 I think she was aiming for the guys themselves. They ducked. 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:13.600 Thursday ran zigzag. A shot shattered the glass of a 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:16.160 window not a meter in front of him, but he 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:18.799 got in through the door, and Doomsday slammed it shut. 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:25.520 The firing stopped. I fucking hate gunfights. Dun Dun dum. 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:32.640 Chapter seven. Nothing says well established squat like barricades and 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:36.440 other defenses ready to deploy. I went through the building 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:39.480 with a Sola and dropped thick wooden panels over every 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:44.520 window upstairs. An argument raged. How are you feeling, I 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:48.640 asked a Sola. I'd rather be watching TV, Sola said, 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:50.680 as she helped me get a steel bar in place 0:03:50.720 --> 0:03:54.680 over the front door. Yeah. I used to think I 0:03:54.720 --> 0:03:57.520 wanted a life of adventure. Now I just want to 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:02.000 be left alone. Yeah, I felt that to my core. 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:06.480 Sometimes I'd gambled everything on a life less ordinary. I 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:10.960 had no savings, no long term partner, no home, no 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:14.560 roots in any given community. All I had were stories 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:18.240 and scars and vivid memories of moments too beautiful or 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:22.560 horrid to comprehend. Sometimes I wish I'd just had a 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:26.479 little bit of peace instead. I didn't say any of 0:04:26.480 --> 0:04:29.640 that to a solo, though, because because me even pretending 0:04:29.680 --> 0:04:32.800 to understand where she was coming from, that was bullshit. 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:36.400 I didn't know shit about shit. I'd never been kidnapped 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:40.400 and murdered. Everything bad in my life, truly bad. I 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:42.960 had stabbed and fought and kicked my way out of 0:04:43.080 --> 0:04:47.000 to varying degrees of success. Maybe we'll get through this, 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:51.640 I said. I didn't sound optimistic, though, maybe she said 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.800 I hope. So it'd be cool to find out what 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:57.840 happens in Voyager, find out if they ever get home. 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.600 I looked out through the people. Half the town must 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:05.840 have been gathered outside, no pitchforks or torches, just handguns 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:09.880 and cars, the modern pitchforks and torches. I guess, which 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:16.480 made us what Frankenstein's monster Dracula. If we were the monster, 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:20.880 Frankenstein himself was out there somewhere in that crowd. He 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:23.760 was out there, and he was lying to everyone, and 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:27.680 everyone was going to believe him. You can hide in there, 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:31.320 Sebastian shouted, his voice muffled through the thick door. But 0:05:31.400 --> 0:05:35.760 we're patient, we can wait. I didn't want to watch 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:37.800 TV and live a simple life. I wanted to kick 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:40.760 open that door and walk out into that crowd and 0:05:40.920 --> 0:05:44.320 stab Sebastian Miller to death. That's what I'd do in 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:47.080 a dream world, a world in which I could do anything. 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:51.320 Bucket list be damned. There wasn't shit I could do. 0:05:52.880 --> 0:05:55.919 You want to go upstairs and join the argument, I asked, no, 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.120 Asola said, I'll stay down here, keep an eye on 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.760 the door. If I'm going to die again, I'd rather 0:06:01.800 --> 0:06:05.839 be first, and I'd rather be surrounded by books. I nodded, 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:10.159 then plodded up the stairs into the angry chaos and 0:06:10.320 --> 0:06:14.720 right into an ad How would that even work? Like 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:17.080 just like walking up the stairs. Maybe there's posters on 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:19.599 the wall. Maybe the posters on the wall of the 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:25.039 library contain verbatim all of the words that you're about 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:27.720 to hear from our sponsors. I think that's the most 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:44.920 likely thing. And we're back. The argument was split into 0:06:44.920 --> 0:06:48.400 two camps. Thursday and Vasillis wanted to get out onto 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:51.720 the roof and try and shoot Sebastian. Brynn. Gertrude and 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:55.919 Vulture wouldn't let them. Doomsday was sitting cross legged on 0:06:55.920 --> 0:06:59.880 the floor pouring through the Book of Barrow. She refused 0:06:59.920 --> 0:07:03.880 to acknowledge the conversation. I don't see any other option, 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:08.000 Thursday yelled. Dying in a standoff with innocent people isn't 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:11.320 an option either. Vulture said, come on, you know that 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:14.360 this is bullshit, I said, once I got the gist 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:17.640 of what was going on, quit arguing it's just making 0:07:17.680 --> 0:07:20.840 everything worse. Well, what else am I going to do 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:23.160 when these idiots won't let me at least try something? 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:28.760 Thursday asked. Thursday, I said, I approached him, Adrenaline kicked 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.120 into my system, almost the same as when I'd approached 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:36.320 Sebastian angry armed men, and this was when I usually trusted. 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:42.240 Listen to me. We're a team, right, Maybe, he said, 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:45.280 we've made it this far right. You saved my life 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:49.400 and freedom, didn't you. Yeah, he said, save it again 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:56.000 by calming down, by not doing something stupid. Fuck, he grumbled. 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:59.040 The longer we wait, the worse the situation is going 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:03.800 to get. Maybe, I said, maybe not. But if there's 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:06.520 one thing I learned while traveling, if you've got a 0:08:06.560 --> 0:08:09.160 losing hand, it's better to shuffle the cards and draw 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:12.240 all new ones, even if the new ones might be worse. 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.600 That's not how poker works, he said, Yeah, I know, 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.520 but it's kind of how life works. Everything is shit 0:08:19.640 --> 0:08:24.320 right now, but in here, for the moment, we're comparatively safe. 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:27.600 We don't have to act this second. We can just 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:32.360 get ready for when things change. When is that? I 0:08:32.400 --> 0:08:35.480 don't know, I said. Maybe everyone will get bored. Maybe 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:38.320 Sebastian will say something damning and they'll figure them out. 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:41.640 Maybe they'll all go home tonight. Maybe Doomsday will figure 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:44.079 out something good in that book. Or maybe one of 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:47.560 us will think of something. Or maybe those rednecks will 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:50.400 set this place on fire, Thursday said. Or maybe the 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:54.080 magic Feds will show up and kill all of us, maybe, 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:59.960 I said Thursday side, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:03.920 you all. I don't know what to do. Doomsday without 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:07.000 standing up from where she was, reached out a comforting 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:10.600 hand and held on to his calf. If we're going 0:09:10.640 --> 0:09:13.640 to hunker down, she said, anyone want to make us 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:18.120 some tea? I hate being barricaded inside a building with 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:22.520 enemies outside. I also, for what it's worth, hate that 0:09:22.559 --> 0:09:25.640 this is something I know about myself because it's happened 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:29.320 more times than I could count. Thanks property laws for 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:33.440 making my way of life illegal. There's never enough air 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:36.720 or something when you barricade the doors. There are always 0:09:36.760 --> 0:09:40.120 too many people, both inside and outside, when you barricade 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.920 the doors. We'd waited half the day already the sun 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:47.840 was high overhead. When I'm fighting off a panic attack, 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:51.040 I go into scientist mode and observe my body. I 0:09:51.080 --> 0:09:55.360 think to myself, how am I feeling? As specific as possible, 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:59.400 how and where exactly is the worry manifesting in my body? 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:02.679 How long does each wave last, and how intense is 0:10:02.720 --> 0:10:06.160 it on a quantifiable scale like from one to ten. 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:11.720 This serves two purposes. First, it gives me something to do. 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:15.280 Just the act of trying to track my feelings distracts 0:10:15.320 --> 0:10:17.680 me enough to break out of the worst feedback loops 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:22.199 of anxiety. Second, it gives me a database of sorts 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:25.680 that I can refer back to. Okay, I could say 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:29.560 to myself, you're having one of your existential loneliness panic attacks. 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:32.920 Expect three major waves with a high water mark of 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:36.800 seven on the panic scale, one every three to five minutes, 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:39.680 each one lasting roughly a minute before ebbing back down 0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:42.600 to a level four, or if it's a false alarm 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:46.760 medical panic attack, that's good for a single eight, followed 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:50.959 by a descending secession of waves until it's over. Knowing 0:10:51.000 --> 0:10:54.000 what I'm in for keeps the panic from controlling me utterly. 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:57.439 It knocks each panic attack down one to four increments 0:10:57.440 --> 0:11:02.200 on that scale. This was the old barricaded inside a 0:11:02.240 --> 0:11:06.800 building with cops outside panic attack. Well, in this particular case, 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:09.720 it wasn't cops. It was armed strangers and an evil magician, 0:11:10.600 --> 0:11:13.560 which was better in some ways. They didn't have the 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:15.680 institutional authority to lock me in a cage for the 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:19.000 rest of my life, but was overall kind of worse 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:22.400 because Sebastian was not what could be called a rational actor, 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:24.800 and it was impossible to tell what he might do 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:27.920 with the power he had. So that was the kind 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:32.600 of panic attack. I had the worst kind A couple 0:11:32.600 --> 0:11:35.600 of the waves they hid up towards nine, maybe ten. 0:11:36.280 --> 0:11:38.880 A wave of panic that hits nine. It just takes 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:41.120 me right out of scientist mode and right into that 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:44.480 prison called my own head. I sat on the couch 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.800 closest to the door, my head between my knees, and 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:51.839 tried to count my breaths. I couldn't. I tried to 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:56.680 drink my tea. I couldn't. It was all just too much, 0:11:57.280 --> 0:11:59.880 for way too long. It was all just too much. 0:12:01.520 --> 0:12:07.439 Can I join you? I looked up Vacillis. The past 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:10.400 few days had wrecked him, and he looked it. The 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:13.920 darkness under his eyes had reached the skeletal stage. His 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:17.720 hair was a frightened, uncombed mess. His lip quivered under 0:12:17.720 --> 0:12:22.800 his mustache, a nervous tick. Yeah, I said. He sat 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:26.280 next to me, but not rudely close. I can only 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:29.720 imagine what you think of me, he said. I didn't 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:32.160 say anything. I didn't mind him opening up to me, 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:36.600 though any distraction at all was welcome. For example, the 0:12:36.640 --> 0:12:38.720 way that you're about to be distracted out of the 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:41.960 story by an ad transition, and if you have cooler 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:45.320 zone media, you'll only be distracted by the ad transition. 0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:48.360 But if you don't have cooler zone media, you're about 0:12:48.400 --> 0:13:02.600 to be distracted by the ads themselves. And we're back. 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:07.840 Every excuse I could tell you, it would sound like 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:11.320 something Sebastian would say. That's part of what's eating me alive, 0:13:11.760 --> 0:13:14.800 seeing all the parallels between me and him, I want 0:13:14.840 --> 0:13:17.800 to say I've lost everything, because in a lot of 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:21.960 ways I have. Heather was my world. I wasn't hers, 0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:25.959 but she was mine. I just accepted that dynamic while 0:13:26.000 --> 0:13:28.760 we were together. I knew she was going to leave 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:32.200 me one day. That wasn't what I thought he'd tell me. 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:36.400 I lifted my head to listen better. When you all 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:39.880 came to town, I thought, this is it. She'll leave 0:13:39.920 --> 0:13:44.640 with these people. I accepted that, but of course the 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:49.400 reality is so much worse. I'm sorry, I said. I 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.280 thought for a moment about what I was apologizing for. 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:56.679 There's this thing when people die where people always blame themselves. 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:59.199 I may be hyper aware of that being what people 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:02.480 usually do, because I do the opposite. People die and 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:06.120 I absolve myself of guilt. Clay died, and yeah it 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:08.240 was partly because of a demon, but I'm sure it 0:14:08.280 --> 0:14:11.640 was partly because of loneliness. And I know he loved 0:14:11.679 --> 0:14:15.600 me non romantically, and I loved him non romantically. But 0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:17.280 I didn't keep up with him as well as I 0:14:17.280 --> 0:14:22.360 could have. I chose solitude. I chose the road over him. 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:27.080 We can't save one another, Vascilla said. I know we can't. 0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:29.400 But if I could go back, knowing what I know now, 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:32.240 I would have stuck with him, and I bet you 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.080 anything he'd still be alive. And I bet you anything, 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.360 i'd be happier than I am right now. So that's 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:42.440 what I've avoided thinking about. And with Heather, she made 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:46.720 her own choices. You can't blame yourself for that. I 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:50.120 wasn't blaming myself for Heather's death. I was blaming you 0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:53.760 and Bryn. If i'd been in any other mood, I 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.240 might have taken that badly or pointed out as botched 0:14:56.240 --> 0:15:01.840 attempt to save her. Instead, I just nodded, which is bullshit, 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:06.320 of course, Vascilla said, mostly bullshit, But it's true. If 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:09.560 we hadn't been here, she'd be alive right now. It's 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:12.960 not our fault, but it's still causation and not correlation. 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:19.160 What do you call that life, he said, chaos? Yeah, 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:24.960 I understand Sebastian. I understand what he's thinking, what he's feeling. 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.560 I know magic. I don't have a natural aptitude, but 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:30.640 I've been studying it for years, and I can perform 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:32.760 most rituals if I've got the right book in front 0:15:32.800 --> 0:15:35.880 of me. Now, I've got a book here in my 0:15:35.960 --> 0:15:39.400 apartment that could bring Heather back from the dead. I 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:42.640 could sacrifice myself to bring her back, but I won't. 0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:46.000 And I know why Sebastian grabbed other people instead of 0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:51.360 doing it himself. Why is that? Because Sebastian didn't want 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:54.080 Gertrude alive for her sake? He wanted her alive for 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.440 his sake. It wasn't that he wanted Gertrude to feel 0:15:57.480 --> 0:16:00.800 the summer air on her skin one more time. It 0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:05.760 was that he wanted a wife. He wanted company. True, 0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:12.920 I love Heather, loved I loved Heather, but not more 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:15.960 than I love myself. If we survive this, I'm going 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.600 to wind up alone now, at least for a while. 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:21.560 That's just the way it is. You'll leave, and maybe 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:23.920 a solo will stay. But I have a feeling we'll 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:27.160 both be alone for a while, a long while, even 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:30.600 with the other around. He laughed, all of a sudden, 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:34.520 that's the best case scenario. How do we get to 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:38.320 that scenario? I asked, I don't know, he said, I 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:41.880 know one thing, though, we've got to kill Sebastian. There's 0:16:41.880 --> 0:16:45.600 no coming back from what he's done. I don't know 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:48.000 if there's such a thing as beyond redemption. In my book, 0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:50.600 I said, I try not to believe in vengeance, only 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:53.920 solving problems. If that means we've got to kill him, 0:16:53.920 --> 0:16:56.520 I won't cry. But there's always coming back from what 0:16:56.560 --> 0:16:59.080 we've done. The path into the light is always there, 0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:01.720 even if most people won't take it. And sometimes you 0:17:01.800 --> 0:17:03.720 need to kill them if they won't in order to 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:08.440 keep yourself, for your community, or even strangers safe. Bascilla 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:12.359 shook his head. Any other situation, I'd probably agree with you. 0:17:14.119 --> 0:17:17.679 I didn't want to argue nitpicky shit about creating societies 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:21.560 with radically transformed ideas of crime and punishment. I also 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:23.760 didn't want to get off the couch and get away 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:27.800 from him. Surprisingly, I didn't want him to get up either. 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:31.439 Talking doesn't always help with panic, but it was helping 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:35.240 just then. What's with the spade? I asked, nodding towards 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:38.800 his tattoo to change the subject. It was a different 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:42.560 man when I was younger, gambling man lost a bet. 0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:45.440 I'll tell you one thing that a drunken face tattoo 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:47.960 is good for. It's good for teaching you not to 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:52.480 regret you ever think about getting it removed, I asked, Hell, no, 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:55.119 I love this thing. How many librarians do you know 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:57.320 with face tattoos? They run a library that they technically 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:00.480 stole from the state. You're the only one, I said, 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:05.199 damn straight, there's nothing in here, Doomsday said, standing up 0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:07.560 at last, setting the book atop Heather's body like she 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:11.560 was a table. Nothing that's going to help us. What 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:14.639 we need is a distraction. Gertrude said she was handling 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:17.400 the whole thing rather well. I suppose she had nothing 0:18:17.480 --> 0:18:22.040 left to fear, Like what I asked. I peered out 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:24.920 the narrow crack between the wooden shutter and the window. 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:28.399 Most of the crowd was still there, leaning on cars, 0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:33.399 smoking cigarettes, looking bored. Sebastian Miller stood sentinel in the 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:36.439 middle of the street, staring intently at the front door. 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:40.880 It had been what eight hours? Our magic Feds were 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:45.200 nowhere in sight, which was not reassuring. I bet they'll 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:48.399 let me go. Me and a Sola, we're not with you. 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:51.640 We know these people. I bet they'll let us go 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:55.399 and we'll figure out something. You're the two that Sebastian 0:18:55.520 --> 0:18:58.639 was trying to kill. I said he won't, not with 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:01.760 everyone else watching. Sebastian always cared a lot about what 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:04.879 other people think of him. It was a dangerous plan, 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:08.119 but it wasn't get to the roof and start shooting dangerous, 0:19:08.560 --> 0:19:10.720 and it was better than anything else we'd come up with. 0:19:11.880 --> 0:19:15.200 I followed her downstairs to the front door. A Sola 0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:18.680 was easy to convince Gertrude opened the door a crack. 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:24.160 Don't shoot, she yelled, it's me, miss Miller. I'm coming out. 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:28.080 She slipped out, a Sola close behind, and I slammed 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.600 the bar back and placed behind them. I was trapped 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:35.200 inside again. Fuck. I wish I'd been able to join them. 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:40.280 I wonder what they'll do. I was back upstairs, back 0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:42.760 on the panic couch. It didn't hit me so bad 0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:45.480 this time, maybe because whether or not it was me 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:49.000 doing something, I knew that someone was doing something. I 0:19:49.040 --> 0:19:53.040 knew that the current situation would not continue indefinitely, even 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:56.639 without physically moving. Every passing minute got me closer to 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:59.159 nod in the library as surely as if I was 0:19:59.200 --> 0:20:02.840 walking towards the en exit. Fuck off and leave us here, 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:07.560 Vascilla said, that's my guess. Thursday and Doomsday sat on 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:11.919 the love seat quietly whispering. Vulture was asleep in a 0:20:11.960 --> 0:20:17.000 Sola's bed, brin paste, her boots a rhythmic clump clump 0:20:17.080 --> 0:20:20.760 on the floor. Every time her circuit took her past 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:24.800 the window, she peered out for a second, Hey, she said. 0:20:24.920 --> 0:20:28.560 On one of her rounds, she motioned us over. Check 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:32.680 this out. In the distance from the west edge of town. 0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:36.479 A thin trickle of smoke turned into a billowing cloud 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:41.679 erupting up toward heaven. A Sola's house was on fire. 0:20:42.680 --> 0:20:45.560 Dun dundune. Okay, that's a real cliffhanger, right, because the 0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:48.720 house is on fire. What's gonna happen? What's gonna happen? 0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:53.399 When we come back next week with chapter eight, the 0:20:53.560 --> 0:20:57.280 final chapter in the barrel, will send what it may. 0:20:58.240 --> 0:21:01.680 And I will say writing this particular chapter was kind 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:04.960 of fun. It's fun the right word. Daniel Kaine is 0:21:05.000 --> 0:21:07.040 the closest I've ever done to a self insert character. 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:09.040 It's like, not complete. Daniel Kaine doesn't have all the 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:13.600 same mannerisms and things as I do. But I specifically 0:21:13.600 --> 0:21:16.680 wanted to write about the fact that I have really 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:19.400 bad anxiety when I'm locked in buildings with the cops outside, 0:21:19.440 --> 0:21:21.639 and I know that, and then I try to explain 0:21:21.640 --> 0:21:23.399 it to people who don't live the same lifestyle that 0:21:23.440 --> 0:21:26.240 I used to live, and they're like, why do you 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:28.280 know that? And the answer is that I used to 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:30.159 squat all the time, and one of the things that 0:21:30.240 --> 0:21:33.800 we would do in Amsterdam when I lived there, there's 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:36.359 a very strong squatting scene there there there certainly was 0:21:36.400 --> 0:21:39.400 at the time. So in order to get into buildings 0:21:39.480 --> 0:21:41.760 and open them up for the people who wanted to 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:43.560 live there, and we'd go into these buildings that had 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:46.119 been empty at least a year and open them up 0:21:46.119 --> 0:21:48.479 and people would move in. And squatting was legalized at 0:21:48.480 --> 0:21:50.280 the time, but the cops was still trying to stop you, 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:53.720 and so in order to do it, we would gather 0:21:53.760 --> 0:21:56.720 at least fifty people to open the building, and so 0:21:56.840 --> 0:22:00.480 kind of like you're not off the hook if you're squatter, 0:22:00.520 --> 0:22:02.840 you're kind of expected to go to these things because 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:07.720 you know, that's how you got your house, right, And 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:10.560 so we'd all gather to go do this, and sometimes 0:22:10.600 --> 0:22:12.439 the cops would figure out where we were meeting up 0:22:12.480 --> 0:22:16.040 and they would just like surround the building and we'd 0:22:16.040 --> 0:22:18.399 have to just lock ourselves into these buildings, and squats 0:22:18.400 --> 0:22:21.359 are very well barricaded because people are used to exactly 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:23.560 the situation, and so we would just be like locked 0:22:23.560 --> 0:22:26.440 in the building, and most of the people I was 0:22:26.480 --> 0:22:29.480 there with were just like laughing, hanging out, smoking, having 0:22:29.480 --> 0:22:31.080 a good time or whatever, and I would just like 0:22:31.119 --> 0:22:35.240 sitting there like it's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine 0:22:35.280 --> 0:22:37.159 that I'm in a building in a foreign country with 0:22:37.200 --> 0:22:40.880 the police locked outside. But I got through it every 0:22:40.920 --> 0:22:45.800 single time and learned a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy 0:22:45.840 --> 0:22:47.720 to help me deal with that kind of thing in 0:22:47.720 --> 0:22:50.240 the future, and so it was just fun to write 0:22:50.240 --> 0:22:54.920 about it in a fictional way. Anyway, see y'all next week. 0:22:56.520 --> 0:22:58.879 It could Happen here as a production of pool Zone Media. 0:22:59.119 --> 0:23:01.760 For more podcasts from cool Zone Media, visit our website 0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:04.920 Coolzonemedia dot com, or check us out on the iHeartRadio app, 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:08.320 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can 0:23:08.359 --> 0:23:11.040 find sources where it Could Happen here, updated monthly at 0:23:11.080 --> 0:23:14.320 Coolzonmedia dot com slash sources. Thanks for listening.