1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:09,680 Speaker 1: Cool Zone Media. It's the Cool Zone Media book Club. 2 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,639 Speaker 1: I told you that's always been our jingle. I can't 3 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: believe you all didn't believe me. It is the Cool 4 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,480 Speaker 1: Zone Media book Club, which is the only book club 5 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,119 Speaker 1: that you don't have to do the reading because I 6 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: do it for you. I'm your host, Margaret Kildoy, and 7 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,920 Speaker 1: every week I bring you a story that I want 8 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,640 Speaker 1: to read you. Sometimes I just talk about books I 9 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,800 Speaker 1: think that'll come up to and sometimes I do whole 10 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,199 Speaker 1: weird radio plays and I think that'll come up too. 11 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,280 Speaker 1: But what I do right now is I read you 12 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,200 Speaker 1: a novella that I wrote. I read you The Barrow 13 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: Will Send What It May, the second book in the 14 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,560 Speaker 1: Danielle Kine series. This book was originally published Oh I 15 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,800 Speaker 1: don't know, in twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen from tour dot com. 16 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: These were my mainstream published books. These sort of you know, 17 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: started my career in many ways. I had several books 18 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,160 Speaker 1: that came out before it. I have a book called 19 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: A Country of Ghosts, which is an anarchause you took 20 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: a book. I also have this book called What Lies 21 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 1: Beneath the clock Tower, and it's legally distinct from Chooser 22 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: and an adventure book, and it's an adventure of your 23 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: own choosing book. I got a message from the Chooser 24 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 1: and Adventure of the people in that trademark who informed 25 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: me that I was not, in fact going on a 26 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 1: Chooser and Adventure book tour. I was going on an 27 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,400 Speaker 1: Adventure of your own choosing book tour. And I wrote 28 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 1: them back and I said it noted. But when these 29 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 1: two books, the first two Daniel Kine books, came out, 30 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 1: you know, it was like then that I like got 31 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:29,919 Speaker 1: an agent and started having more people read my books 32 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 1: and things like that, and so there's like a real 33 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 1: particular love that I have for these books. I've probably 34 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: talked about this already, but I'm not sure these books. Also, 35 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:43,679 Speaker 1: I've been writing novella's sort of set in this world, 36 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: although without the magic, basically following Daniel Kine before she 37 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: was well before she transitioned it became Daniel Kine. I've 38 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 1: been writing them for a very long time. They started 39 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: as a way for me to kind of process my 40 00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:00,800 Speaker 1: strange life of being a crosspunk traveler living in squats 41 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,160 Speaker 1: and doing forest defense and things like that, and I 42 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: wanted a way to do that without writing actual memoir 43 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 1: because at the time I felt like writing my actual 44 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: memoirs would kind of be telling other people's stories without 45 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: asking them. And also there's some like crime related to 46 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,160 Speaker 1: some of those stories, and I didn't know how I 47 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: felt about publishing stories that were like I do crime. Obviously, 48 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 1: I've never done crime. I would never do crime. Oh, 49 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,919 Speaker 1: this would have been such a good place to transition 50 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 1: to ads because the only crime would have been not 51 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 1: taking advantage of these goods and services. But it's not 52 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: time to transition to ads. Instead, it's time for me 53 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,240 Speaker 1: to start reading you this book, the thing that you 54 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:46,640 Speaker 1: came here to hear me do. I'm going to start 55 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 1: again with a couple paragraphs of the last chapter. Last 56 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 1: chapter was chapter six. Thursday was pinned down behind the dumpster. 57 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: Vacillis drew his pistol aloft, but Doomsday snatched it out 58 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:02,240 Speaker 1: of his hand and stepped outside, firing calmly. I don't 59 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 1: think she was aiming to keep those guys pinned down. 60 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: I think she was aiming for the guys themselves. They ducked. 61 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: Thursday ran zigzag. A shot shattered the glass of a 62 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: window not a meter in front of him, but he 63 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,799 Speaker 1: got in through the door, and Doomsday slammed it shut. 64 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 1: The firing stopped. I fucking hate gunfights. Dun Dun dum. 65 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:32,640 Speaker 1: Chapter seven. Nothing says well established squat like barricades and 66 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 1: other defenses ready to deploy. I went through the building 67 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,480 Speaker 1: with a Sola and dropped thick wooden panels over every 68 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 1: window upstairs. An argument raged. How are you feeling, I 69 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: asked a Sola. I'd rather be watching TV, Sola said, 70 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,680 Speaker 1: as she helped me get a steel bar in place 71 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,680 Speaker 1: over the front door. Yeah. I used to think I 72 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: wanted a life of adventure. Now I just want to 73 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: be left alone. Yeah, I felt that to my core. 74 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: Sometimes I'd gambled everything on a life less ordinary. I 75 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 1: had no savings, no long term partner, no home, no 76 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: roots in any given community. All I had were stories 77 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,240 Speaker 1: and scars and vivid memories of moments too beautiful or 78 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: horrid to comprehend. Sometimes I wish I'd just had a 79 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: little bit of peace instead. I didn't say any of 80 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: that to a solo, though, because because me even pretending 81 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: to understand where she was coming from, that was bullshit. 82 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: I didn't know shit about shit. I'd never been kidnapped 83 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,400 Speaker 1: and murdered. Everything bad in my life, truly bad. I 84 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 1: had stabbed and fought and kicked my way out of 85 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:47,000 Speaker 1: to varying degrees of success. Maybe we'll get through this, 86 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: I said. I didn't sound optimistic, though, maybe she said 87 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 1: I hope. So it'd be cool to find out what 88 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:57,840 Speaker 1: happens in Voyager, find out if they ever get home. 89 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 1: I looked out through the people. Half the town must 90 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 1: have been gathered outside, no pitchforks or torches, just handguns 91 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: and cars, the modern pitchforks and torches. I guess, which 92 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:16,480 Speaker 1: made us what Frankenstein's monster Dracula. If we were the monster, 93 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 1: Frankenstein himself was out there somewhere in that crowd. He 94 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 1: was out there, and he was lying to everyone, and 95 00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: everyone was going to believe him. You can hide in there, 96 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: Sebastian shouted, his voice muffled through the thick door. But 97 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: we're patient, we can wait. I didn't want to watch 98 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,800 Speaker 1: TV and live a simple life. I wanted to kick 99 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: open that door and walk out into that crowd and 100 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 1: stab Sebastian Miller to death. That's what I'd do in 101 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: a dream world, a world in which I could do anything. 102 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 1: Bucket list be damned. There wasn't shit I could do. 103 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,919 Speaker 1: You want to go upstairs and join the argument, I asked, no, 104 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 1: Asola said, I'll stay down here, keep an eye on 105 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: the door. If I'm going to die again, I'd rather 106 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: be first, and I'd rather be surrounded by books. I nodded, 107 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,159 Speaker 1: then plodded up the stairs into the angry chaos and 108 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:14,720 Speaker 1: right into an ad How would that even work? Like 109 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 1: just like walking up the stairs. Maybe there's posters on 110 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,599 Speaker 1: the wall. Maybe the posters on the wall of the 111 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:25,039 Speaker 1: library contain verbatim all of the words that you're about 112 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,720 Speaker 1: to hear from our sponsors. I think that's the most 113 00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 1: likely thing. And we're back. The argument was split into 114 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 1: two camps. Thursday and Vasillis wanted to get out onto 115 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 1: the roof and try and shoot Sebastian. Brynn. Gertrude and 116 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,919 Speaker 1: Vulture wouldn't let them. Doomsday was sitting cross legged on 117 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 1: the floor pouring through the Book of Barrow. She refused 118 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: to acknowledge the conversation. I don't see any other option, 119 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 1: Thursday yelled. Dying in a standoff with innocent people isn't 120 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: an option either. Vulture said, come on, you know that 121 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: this is bullshit, I said, once I got the gist 122 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: of what was going on, quit arguing it's just making 123 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: everything worse. Well, what else am I going to do 124 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: when these idiots won't let me at least try something? 125 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 1: Thursday asked. Thursday, I said, I approached him, Adrenaline kicked 126 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: into my system, almost the same as when I'd approached 127 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 1: Sebastian angry armed men, and this was when I usually trusted. 128 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: Listen to me. We're a team, right, Maybe, he said, 129 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: we've made it this far right. You saved my life 130 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: and freedom, didn't you. Yeah, he said, save it again 131 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:56,000 Speaker 1: by calming down, by not doing something stupid. Fuck, he grumbled. 132 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 1: The longer we wait, the worse the situation is going 133 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: to get. Maybe, I said, maybe not. But if there's 134 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,520 Speaker 1: one thing I learned while traveling, if you've got a 135 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 1: losing hand, it's better to shuffle the cards and draw 136 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: all new ones, even if the new ones might be worse. 137 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: That's not how poker works, he said, Yeah, I know, 138 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 1: but it's kind of how life works. Everything is shit 139 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 1: right now, but in here, for the moment, we're comparatively safe. 140 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: We don't have to act this second. We can just 141 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:32,360 Speaker 1: get ready for when things change. When is that? I 142 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 1: don't know, I said. Maybe everyone will get bored. Maybe 143 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,320 Speaker 1: Sebastian will say something damning and they'll figure them out. 144 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: Maybe they'll all go home tonight. Maybe Doomsday will figure 145 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:44,079 Speaker 1: out something good in that book. Or maybe one of 146 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 1: us will think of something. Or maybe those rednecks will 147 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 1: set this place on fire, Thursday said. Or maybe the 148 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,080 Speaker 1: magic Feds will show up and kill all of us, maybe, 149 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:59,960 Speaker 1: I said Thursday side, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled 150 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: you all. I don't know what to do. Doomsday without 151 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 1: standing up from where she was, reached out a comforting 152 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,600 Speaker 1: hand and held on to his calf. If we're going 153 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: to hunker down, she said, anyone want to make us 154 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:18,120 Speaker 1: some tea? I hate being barricaded inside a building with 155 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:22,520 Speaker 1: enemies outside. I also, for what it's worth, hate that 156 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 1: this is something I know about myself because it's happened 157 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: more times than I could count. Thanks property laws for 158 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: making my way of life illegal. There's never enough air 159 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:36,720 Speaker 1: or something when you barricade the doors. There are always 160 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 1: too many people, both inside and outside, when you barricade 161 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 1: the doors. We'd waited half the day already the sun 162 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,840 Speaker 1: was high overhead. When I'm fighting off a panic attack, 163 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,040 Speaker 1: I go into scientist mode and observe my body. I 164 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:55,360 Speaker 1: think to myself, how am I feeling? As specific as possible, 165 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:59,400 Speaker 1: how and where exactly is the worry manifesting in my body? 166 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,679 Speaker 1: How long does each wave last, and how intense is 167 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: it on a quantifiable scale like from one to ten. 168 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 1: This serves two purposes. First, it gives me something to do. 169 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 1: Just the act of trying to track my feelings distracts 170 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: me enough to break out of the worst feedback loops 171 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:22,199 Speaker 1: of anxiety. Second, it gives me a database of sorts 172 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,680 Speaker 1: that I can refer back to. Okay, I could say 173 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:29,560 Speaker 1: to myself, you're having one of your existential loneliness panic attacks. 174 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: Expect three major waves with a high water mark of 175 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,800 Speaker 1: seven on the panic scale, one every three to five minutes, 176 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,680 Speaker 1: each one lasting roughly a minute before ebbing back down 177 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: to a level four, or if it's a false alarm 178 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: medical panic attack, that's good for a single eight, followed 179 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,959 Speaker 1: by a descending secession of waves until it's over. Knowing 180 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: what I'm in for keeps the panic from controlling me utterly. 181 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,439 Speaker 1: It knocks each panic attack down one to four increments 182 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:02,200 Speaker 1: on that scale. This was the old barricaded inside a 183 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: building with cops outside panic attack. Well, in this particular case, 184 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: it wasn't cops. It was armed strangers and an evil magician, 185 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: which was better in some ways. They didn't have the 186 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,680 Speaker 1: institutional authority to lock me in a cage for the 187 00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: rest of my life, but was overall kind of worse 188 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 1: because Sebastian was not what could be called a rational actor, 189 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 1: and it was impossible to tell what he might do 190 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 1: with the power he had. So that was the kind 191 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:32,600 Speaker 1: of panic attack. I had the worst kind A couple 192 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 1: of the waves they hid up towards nine, maybe ten. 193 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: A wave of panic that hits nine. It just takes 194 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,120 Speaker 1: me right out of scientist mode and right into that 195 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 1: prison called my own head. I sat on the couch 196 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 1: closest to the door, my head between my knees, and 197 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,839 Speaker 1: tried to count my breaths. I couldn't. I tried to 198 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:56,680 Speaker 1: drink my tea. I couldn't. It was all just too much, 199 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,880 Speaker 1: for way too long. It was all just too much. 200 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:07,439 Speaker 1: Can I join you? I looked up Vacillis. The past 201 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: few days had wrecked him, and he looked it. The 202 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: darkness under his eyes had reached the skeletal stage. His 203 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,720 Speaker 1: hair was a frightened, uncombed mess. His lip quivered under 204 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 1: his mustache, a nervous tick. Yeah, I said. He sat 205 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,280 Speaker 1: next to me, but not rudely close. I can only 206 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: imagine what you think of me, he said. I didn't 207 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: say anything. I didn't mind him opening up to me, 208 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,600 Speaker 1: though any distraction at all was welcome. For example, the 209 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 1: way that you're about to be distracted out of the 210 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,960 Speaker 1: story by an ad transition, and if you have cooler 211 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,320 Speaker 1: zone media, you'll only be distracted by the ad transition. 212 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: But if you don't have cooler zone media, you're about 213 00:12:48,400 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: to be distracted by the ads themselves. And we're back. 214 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,840 Speaker 1: Every excuse I could tell you, it would sound like 215 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 1: something Sebastian would say. That's part of what's eating me alive, 216 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 1: seeing all the parallels between me and him, I want 217 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,800 Speaker 1: to say I've lost everything, because in a lot of 218 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,960 Speaker 1: ways I have. Heather was my world. I wasn't hers, 219 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,959 Speaker 1: but she was mine. I just accepted that dynamic while 220 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: we were together. I knew she was going to leave 221 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,200 Speaker 1: me one day. That wasn't what I thought he'd tell me. 222 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: I lifted my head to listen better. When you all 223 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: came to town, I thought, this is it. She'll leave 224 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 1: with these people. I accepted that, but of course the 225 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 1: reality is so much worse. I'm sorry, I said. I 226 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: thought for a moment about what I was apologizing for. 227 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,679 Speaker 1: There's this thing when people die where people always blame themselves. 228 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,199 Speaker 1: I may be hyper aware of that being what people 229 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,480 Speaker 1: usually do, because I do the opposite. People die and 230 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 1: I absolve myself of guilt. Clay died, and yeah it 231 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: was partly because of a demon, but I'm sure it 232 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: was partly because of loneliness. And I know he loved 233 00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: me non romantically, and I loved him non romantically. But 234 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 1: I didn't keep up with him as well as I 235 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 1: could have. I chose solitude. I chose the road over him. 236 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,080 Speaker 1: We can't save one another, Vascilla said. I know we can't. 237 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: But if I could go back, knowing what I know now, 238 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: I would have stuck with him, and I bet you 239 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: anything he'd still be alive. And I bet you anything, 240 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,360 Speaker 1: i'd be happier than I am right now. So that's 241 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: what I've avoided thinking about. And with Heather, she made 242 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 1: her own choices. You can't blame yourself for that. I 243 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 1: wasn't blaming myself for Heather's death. I was blaming you 244 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: and Bryn. If i'd been in any other mood, I 245 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,240 Speaker 1: might have taken that badly or pointed out as botched 246 00:14:56,240 --> 00:15:01,840 Speaker 1: attempt to save her. Instead, I just nodded, which is bullshit, 247 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: of course, Vascilla said, mostly bullshit, But it's true. If 248 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 1: we hadn't been here, she'd be alive right now. It's 249 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: not our fault, but it's still causation and not correlation. 250 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: What do you call that life, he said, chaos? Yeah, 251 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,960 Speaker 1: I understand Sebastian. I understand what he's thinking, what he's feeling. 252 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: I know magic. I don't have a natural aptitude, but 253 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: I've been studying it for years, and I can perform 254 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 1: most rituals if I've got the right book in front 255 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 1: of me. Now, I've got a book here in my 256 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: apartment that could bring Heather back from the dead. I 257 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: could sacrifice myself to bring her back, but I won't. 258 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,000 Speaker 1: And I know why Sebastian grabbed other people instead of 259 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 1: doing it himself. Why is that? Because Sebastian didn't want 260 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: Gertrude alive for her sake? He wanted her alive for 261 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,440 Speaker 1: his sake. It wasn't that he wanted Gertrude to feel 262 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: the summer air on her skin one more time. It 263 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 1: was that he wanted a wife. He wanted company. True, 264 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 1: I love Heather, loved I loved Heather, but not more 265 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 1: than I love myself. If we survive this, I'm going 266 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: to wind up alone now, at least for a while. 267 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: That's just the way it is. You'll leave, and maybe 268 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: a solo will stay. But I have a feeling we'll 269 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: both be alone for a while, a long while, even 270 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: with the other around. He laughed, all of a sudden, 271 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,520 Speaker 1: that's the best case scenario. How do we get to 272 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: that scenario? I asked, I don't know, he said, I 273 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 1: know one thing, though, we've got to kill Sebastian. There's 274 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: no coming back from what he's done. I don't know 275 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 1: if there's such a thing as beyond redemption. In my book, 276 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,600 Speaker 1: I said, I try not to believe in vengeance, only 277 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,920 Speaker 1: solving problems. If that means we've got to kill him, 278 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: I won't cry. But there's always coming back from what 279 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 1: we've done. The path into the light is always there, 280 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: even if most people won't take it. And sometimes you 281 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,720 Speaker 1: need to kill them if they won't in order to 282 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:08,440 Speaker 1: keep yourself, for your community, or even strangers safe. Bascilla 283 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:12,359 Speaker 1: shook his head. Any other situation, I'd probably agree with you. 284 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:17,679 Speaker 1: I didn't want to argue nitpicky shit about creating societies 285 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,560 Speaker 1: with radically transformed ideas of crime and punishment. I also 286 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: didn't want to get off the couch and get away 287 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 1: from him. Surprisingly, I didn't want him to get up either. 288 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,439 Speaker 1: Talking doesn't always help with panic, but it was helping 289 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: just then. What's with the spade? I asked, nodding towards 290 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: his tattoo to change the subject. It was a different 291 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: man when I was younger, gambling man lost a bet. 292 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,440 Speaker 1: I'll tell you one thing that a drunken face tattoo 293 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,960 Speaker 1: is good for. It's good for teaching you not to 294 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,480 Speaker 1: regret you ever think about getting it removed, I asked, Hell, no, 295 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,119 Speaker 1: I love this thing. How many librarians do you know 296 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: with face tattoos? They run a library that they technically 297 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:00,480 Speaker 1: stole from the state. You're the only one, I said, 298 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:05,199 Speaker 1: damn straight, there's nothing in here, Doomsday said, standing up 299 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 1: at last, setting the book atop Heather's body like she 300 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:11,560 Speaker 1: was a table. Nothing that's going to help us. What 301 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,639 Speaker 1: we need is a distraction. Gertrude said she was handling 302 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,400 Speaker 1: the whole thing rather well. I suppose she had nothing 303 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 1: left to fear, Like what I asked. I peered out 304 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,920 Speaker 1: the narrow crack between the wooden shutter and the window. 305 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 1: Most of the crowd was still there, leaning on cars, 306 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 1: smoking cigarettes, looking bored. Sebastian Miller stood sentinel in the 307 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 1: middle of the street, staring intently at the front door. 308 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,880 Speaker 1: It had been what eight hours? Our magic Feds were 309 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:45,200 Speaker 1: nowhere in sight, which was not reassuring. I bet they'll 310 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,399 Speaker 1: let me go. Me and a Sola, we're not with you. 311 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,640 Speaker 1: We know these people. I bet they'll let us go 312 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 1: and we'll figure out something. You're the two that Sebastian 313 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,639 Speaker 1: was trying to kill. I said he won't, not with 314 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,760 Speaker 1: everyone else watching. Sebastian always cared a lot about what 315 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,879 Speaker 1: other people think of him. It was a dangerous plan, 316 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,119 Speaker 1: but it wasn't get to the roof and start shooting dangerous, 317 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,720 Speaker 1: and it was better than anything else we'd come up with. 318 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,200 Speaker 1: I followed her downstairs to the front door. A Sola 319 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,680 Speaker 1: was easy to convince Gertrude opened the door a crack. 320 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:24,160 Speaker 1: Don't shoot, she yelled, it's me, miss Miller. I'm coming out. 321 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 1: She slipped out, a Sola close behind, and I slammed 322 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:31,600 Speaker 1: the bar back and placed behind them. I was trapped 323 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 1: inside again. Fuck. I wish I'd been able to join them. 324 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 1: I wonder what they'll do. I was back upstairs, back 325 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,760 Speaker 1: on the panic couch. It didn't hit me so bad 326 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,480 Speaker 1: this time, maybe because whether or not it was me 327 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 1: doing something, I knew that someone was doing something. I 328 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:53,040 Speaker 1: knew that the current situation would not continue indefinitely, even 329 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,639 Speaker 1: without physically moving. Every passing minute got me closer to 330 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,159 Speaker 1: nod in the library as surely as if I was 331 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 1: walking towards the en exit. Fuck off and leave us here, 332 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 1: Vascilla said, that's my guess. Thursday and Doomsday sat on 333 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,919 Speaker 1: the love seat quietly whispering. Vulture was asleep in a 334 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: Sola's bed, brin paste, her boots a rhythmic clump clump 335 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: on the floor. Every time her circuit took her past 336 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: the window, she peered out for a second, Hey, she said. 337 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 1: On one of her rounds, she motioned us over. Check 338 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,680 Speaker 1: this out. In the distance from the west edge of town. 339 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,479 Speaker 1: A thin trickle of smoke turned into a billowing cloud 340 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:41,679 Speaker 1: erupting up toward heaven. A Sola's house was on fire. 341 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: Dun dundune. Okay, that's a real cliffhanger, right, because the 342 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,720 Speaker 1: house is on fire. What's gonna happen? What's gonna happen? 343 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:53,399 Speaker 1: When we come back next week with chapter eight, the 344 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 1: final chapter in the barrel, will send what it may. 345 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,680 Speaker 1: And I will say writing this particular chapter was kind 346 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: of fun. It's fun the right word. Daniel Kaine is 347 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 1: the closest I've ever done to a self insert character. 348 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: It's like, not complete. Daniel Kaine doesn't have all the 349 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: same mannerisms and things as I do. But I specifically 350 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,680 Speaker 1: wanted to write about the fact that I have really 351 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,400 Speaker 1: bad anxiety when I'm locked in buildings with the cops outside, 352 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,639 Speaker 1: and I know that, and then I try to explain 353 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,399 Speaker 1: it to people who don't live the same lifestyle that 354 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 1: I used to live, and they're like, why do you 355 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: know that? And the answer is that I used to 356 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,159 Speaker 1: squat all the time, and one of the things that 357 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 1: we would do in Amsterdam when I lived there, there's 358 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 1: a very strong squatting scene there there there certainly was 359 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,400 Speaker 1: at the time. So in order to get into buildings 360 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: and open them up for the people who wanted to 361 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,560 Speaker 1: live there, and we'd go into these buildings that had 362 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,119 Speaker 1: been empty at least a year and open them up 363 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,479 Speaker 1: and people would move in. And squatting was legalized at 364 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,280 Speaker 1: the time, but the cops was still trying to stop you, 365 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:53,720 Speaker 1: and so in order to do it, we would gather 366 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,720 Speaker 1: at least fifty people to open the building, and so 367 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,480 Speaker 1: kind of like you're not off the hook if you're squatter, 368 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: you're kind of expected to go to these things because 369 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 1: you know, that's how you got your house, right, And 370 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: so we'd all gather to go do this, and sometimes 371 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,439 Speaker 1: the cops would figure out where we were meeting up 372 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,040 Speaker 1: and they would just like surround the building and we'd 373 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 1: have to just lock ourselves into these buildings, and squats 374 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 1: are very well barricaded because people are used to exactly 375 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:23,560 Speaker 1: the situation, and so we would just be like locked 376 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,440 Speaker 1: in the building, and most of the people I was 377 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: there with were just like laughing, hanging out, smoking, having 378 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: a good time or whatever, and I would just like 379 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 1: sitting there like it's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine 380 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,159 Speaker 1: that I'm in a building in a foreign country with 381 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,880 Speaker 1: the police locked outside. But I got through it every 382 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:45,800 Speaker 1: single time and learned a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy 383 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,720 Speaker 1: to help me deal with that kind of thing in 384 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 1: the future, and so it was just fun to write 385 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:54,920 Speaker 1: about it in a fictional way. Anyway, see y'all next week. 386 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,879 Speaker 1: It could Happen here as a production of pool Zone Media. 387 00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from cool Zone Media, visit our website 388 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,920 Speaker 1: Coolzonemedia dot com, or check us out on the iHeartRadio app, 389 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,320 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can 390 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: find sources where it Could Happen here, updated monthly at 391 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,320 Speaker 1: Coolzonmedia dot com slash sources. Thanks for listening.