Speaker 1: Are you only trying to save this relationship because you're
Speaker 1: scared of being alone? Are you trying to save it
Speaker 1: for any other reason than I'm scared of being alone
Speaker 1: and I'm scared of what my friends are going to say.
Speaker 1: If your reason for trying to save a relationship is
Speaker 1: I don't want to be alone, I don't want to
Speaker 1: see them with anyone else, I don't want to have
Speaker 1: to deal with what my friends and family are going
Speaker 1: to say. If those are your reasons for staying in
Speaker 1: a relationship, it's not a relationship you should be trying
Speaker 1: to save or staying. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
Speaker 1: each and every single one of you that come back
Speaker 1: every week to listen, learn, and grow. I just want
Speaker 1: to take a moment to honor and acknowledge our over
Speaker 1: sixteen thousand reviews now and some of the best ones
Speaker 1: that I read this week. This one's from Sam Love
Speaker 1: It Jay. The podcast has been my therapy. I'm loving
Speaker 1: every episode. Love you and your guests. Sam, Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for that. This is from Heather Real Talk Jay.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your wisdom. Your recent episodes have really
Speaker 1: helped me see things clearly in my recent trauma. Everyone
Speaker 1: has stuff. Somehow you cut through it and illuminate the
Speaker 1: path to healing in a practical way. I believe everyone
Speaker 1: has a true path and responsibility to grow in order
Speaker 1: to find it. You continue to give real advice and
Speaker 1: encouragement to get to that place. Thank you, thank you, no,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for sharing that. Okay, I've a
Speaker 1: big one more. It's super hard. I have so many
Speaker 1: more I want to share. But finally, this one's from
Speaker 1: k Serenity. I'm sitting in my car before heading inside
Speaker 1: with a client, and I'm on the verge of tears.
Speaker 1: For the first time in a long time, I can
Speaker 1: finally say that I am on the right path to
Speaker 1: loving myself again. I've been listening to this podcast for
Speaker 1: quite some time now, but the Mel Robbins podcast was
Speaker 1: the final inspiration that my soul never knew it needed.
Speaker 1: I used to dread waking up at five am to
Speaker 1: work out before going to work. Now I do it
Speaker 1: with ease by counting backwards five four, three two one.
Speaker 1: I pick up my workout clothes from my floor and
Speaker 1: start my day, and I'll make sure to high five
Speaker 1: myself whenever I'm in the bathroom and make sure I
Speaker 1: know that I'm doing everything I can to become the
Speaker 1: woman I have envisioned for a long time. I can't
Speaker 1: say this enough, but thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: I'm forever grateful. I want to thank all of you
Speaker 1: for leaving those reviews. And the reason why I share
Speaker 1: these reviews with all of you is because it's so
Speaker 1: beautiful to hear what you're all experiencing and hear what
Speaker 1: others are experiencing as well, because it sparks more thought
Speaker 1: inside of ourselves. Now, today is a theme that I've
Speaker 1: wanted to cover for quite some time, and it's such
Speaker 1: an important episode. I think this is going to be
Speaker 1: one that you're going to want to share with your friends,
Speaker 1: share with family members. This is one that's going to
Speaker 1: be important and useful for a long time. And that's
Speaker 1: not for a good reason. It's unfortunate. But the amount
Speaker 1: of friends, clients, family members that I have in my
Speaker 1: life that tell me that they discovered that their partner
Speaker 1: was cheating on them is more than i'd like. And
Speaker 1: that's why today we're talking about the seven relationship doubts
Speaker 1: people have and how to know if you're truly compatible.
Speaker 1: There are two things that I want this episode to
Speaker 1: do for you. The first is that I want you
Speaker 1: to recognize that the doubts you have in your relationship
Speaker 1: are not isolated to you. These are doubts that a
Speaker 1: lot of people have in their relationships. These are doubts
Speaker 1: that you share with other people in their relationships. And
Speaker 1: the second thing I want to do is give you
Speaker 1: a set of questions and reflections to think about and
Speaker 1: introspect on and insight that's going to help you make
Speaker 1: better decisions about the future of your relationship. How many
Speaker 1: times have you ever struggled to think, are we truly compatible?
Speaker 1: Or is there someone else out there? Or is this
Speaker 1: going on in the right direction? So We're going to
Speaker 1: dive into the seven doubts, and I'm going to share
Speaker 1: with you insights on how to take action based on
Speaker 1: how you currently feel. Let's get going. And it's normal
Speaker 1: for us to feel this way because doubts have changed too.
Speaker 1: So think about this for a second. Nearly half forty
Speaker 1: seven percent of all Americans say dating is harder today
Speaker 1: than it was ten years ago. That's from the Pew
Speaker 1: Research Center, and women are twice as likely as men
Speaker 1: to say dating is harder than ten years ago because
Speaker 1: it's riskier now, say women. So women are believing that
Speaker 1: there's more physical and emotional risk. Obviously because of technology,
Speaker 1: it's more impersonal, it's harder to meet people, it's more casual,
Speaker 1: societal expectations have changed and people are busier. These are
Speaker 1: some of the things that people are thinking about. And
Speaker 1: here's an interesting reset that from the Pure Reset Center
Speaker 1: as well. Most datas don't feel like their dating life
Speaker 1: is going well and say it's been hard to find
Speaker 1: people to date. And a majority fifty seven percent of
Speaker 1: women thirty five percent of men, So they've experienced some
Speaker 1: kind of harassing behavior from someone they were dating or
Speaker 1: being on a date with right, so that can't be
Speaker 1: a comfortable thing. Here are some of the examples. Touch
Speaker 1: them in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. Women
Speaker 1: have a high experience of that pressured them for sex. Again,
Speaker 1: women have a high experience of that double that of men.
Speaker 1: Sent them unasked for a sexually explicit images, spread rumors
Speaker 1: about their sexual history, shared a sexually explicit image of
Speaker 1: them without consent, which is much lower than the others,
Speaker 1: and then publicly shared contact information without permission, which is
Speaker 1: lower as well. But we can start to see why
Speaker 1: we have doubts about relationships, why we have doubts about people. Right.
Speaker 1: So the reason why I'm sharing those stats is I
Speaker 1: want you to understand that relationship and dating is complex
Speaker 1: as it is, and so if you're having doubts and
Speaker 1: you want to help figure them out, you're in the
Speaker 1: right place. Thank you so much for choosing me in
Speaker 1: on purpose. I'm so grateful to be able to help
Speaker 1: you navigate these challenges. And as always, we take all
Speaker 1: of our thinking from timeless Eastern wisdom and pair it
Speaker 1: with modern science and research. So one of the first
Speaker 1: doubts I want to start with is are they into me?
Speaker 1: How many of you have ever had this doubt? Are
Speaker 1: they still into me? Are they still attracted to me?
Speaker 1: Do they still like me? Maybe you've been together for
Speaker 1: a month, maybe you've been together for a year, whichever
Speaker 1: one it is, we always have this doubt. Now here's
Speaker 1: something I want you to think about. As relationships develop,
Speaker 1: our attraction in a healthy relationship also develops. So, for example,
Speaker 1: when you meet someone, all you know about them is
Speaker 1: their physical appearance, right, That's actually all you know about them.
Speaker 1: And based on their physical appearance, which if you're attracted
Speaker 1: to you want to get to know more about them.
Speaker 1: Often what we're attracted to initially is someone's financial presence,
Speaker 1: not just their physical presence. You might be impressed by
Speaker 1: what they're driving, you might be impressed by what they're wearing,
Speaker 1: you might be impressed by where you've met them. So
Speaker 1: we can see that our initial attraction towards someone is
Speaker 1: fairly based on externals, and by the way, that's natural.
Speaker 1: Too often we look down on this, but at that
Speaker 1: point in time, people don't have another indicator or sign
Speaker 1: for what they can be attracted to. But in a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, that physical or external attraction leads to being
Speaker 1: attracted to someone's mind, leads to being attracted to someone emotionally,
Speaker 1: and leads to being attracted to someone spiritually, where you
Speaker 1: feel you're on the same frequency and vibration. So what
Speaker 1: sometimes happens is you may find that your partner now
Speaker 1: notices your mental, emotional, and spiritual growth more than your
Speaker 1: physical and external So maybe, and this is something to
Speaker 1: think about. Are they complimenting you for your mind and
Speaker 1: how you think? Are they complimenting you for how you
Speaker 1: deal with the stress of work. Are they congratulating you
Speaker 1: on the spiritual inner work that you've been doing, But
Speaker 1: maybe they're not commenting on your appearance as much. Maybe
Speaker 1: they're not conscious of it as much. Maybe they don't
Speaker 1: recognize when you've had your haircut, or you've got your
Speaker 1: nails done, or you just bought some new clothes. Think
Speaker 1: for a second, are they actually noticing deeper parts of
Speaker 1: me that actually are showing a deeper sense of attraction,
Speaker 1: or actually am I noticing that they're not showing that
Speaker 1: level of attraction. And this is a really important way
Speaker 1: to think about the compatibility around this doubt. Compatibility requires
Speaker 1: us to be physically and externally attracted and attracted to
Speaker 1: someone's inner life. That's what true compatibility is. And that
Speaker 1: attraction may also change and transform. So I'll give an
Speaker 1: example that when we spend more time with people and
Speaker 1: we get to know them better, they often become more
Speaker 1: attractive to us, even in the simplest ways. So I
Speaker 1: always say this to Rady, and I'll always say to
Speaker 1: rad that to me when we're hanging out at home
Speaker 1: and maybe she's in sweat, something like you're just beautiful,
Speaker 1: Like you're so cute and adorable, and to me that
Speaker 1: is because I've just fallen in love with who she
Speaker 1: is overall is this big ball of sunshine, as I
Speaker 1: like to think about her, and so my attraction is deepened,
Speaker 1: and so I'm not always more attracted to her if
Speaker 1: she's dressed up to go out to an event. So
Speaker 1: it's really important that you don't forget or don't exclude
Speaker 1: more inner forms of attraction and inner forms of compliments
Speaker 1: and validation that your partner may be offering you because
Speaker 1: you're expecting what you had in the beginning. And I
Speaker 1: think that's the rule that you'll see throughout this episode,
Speaker 1: is that the way someone is attracted to you and
Speaker 1: the way they communicate that will change. I just saw
Speaker 1: a funny meme earlier today that said, why is it
Speaker 1: that when you're dating people they only have money and
Speaker 1: compliments for the first three months? And I just burst
Speaker 1: out laughing because I was thinking, Wow, that sounds so
Speaker 1: true for so many people. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: raised that here is because the way someone expresses they're
Speaker 1: attracted to you will change over time. Your job is
Speaker 1: not to check whether it's the same as it's been before.
Speaker 1: The way you action this to understand compatibility is does
Speaker 1: it exist even if in another way. So if you're
Speaker 1: looking for in the same places in the same ways,
Speaker 1: you may be disappointed. But if you broaden your picture
Speaker 1: and broaden the landscape, you may discover that they're deeply
Speaker 1: attracted to you, just in a new way. Now, the
Speaker 1: second doubt that people have, which is a really big one,
Speaker 1: is can I trust them? And the reason why this
Speaker 1: is such a big one is that we've met so
Speaker 1: many people who've been dishonest with us. We've met so
Speaker 1: many people who've hidden things from us, We've met so
Speaker 1: many people who have broken our trust. And the first
Speaker 1: thing I'd like you to reflect on is how did
Speaker 1: you meet them? Did you meet them when they were
Speaker 1: breaking someone else's trust? Did you meet them when they
Speaker 1: were going through something and they opened up to you
Speaker 1: and they were vulnerable with you. What circumstance you met
Speaker 1: someone in is really important because if they were breaking
Speaker 1: someone else's trust when they met you, of course chances
Speaker 1: are that they may break that trust again. That could
Speaker 1: be a recurring theme or pattern in that life, and
Speaker 1: that may be something to keep an eye out for.
Speaker 1: So the second thing you need to think about around
Speaker 1: the trust doubt is are you exclusive? Right? Are you exclusive?
Speaker 1: And have you had that conversation? If you haven't had
Speaker 1: that conversation, if you haven't clarified that, it's really difficult
Speaker 1: to have trust. I find that trust is earned and
Speaker 1: gained when you have transparent commitments that you're both making
Speaker 1: to each other. You can't just assume that someone is trustworthy,
Speaker 1: and you can't just assume that you're now exclusive. You
Speaker 1: can't just assume that you're in a relationship. It is
Speaker 1: a conversation that needs to happen. And now, in my book,
Speaker 1: Think like a Monk break down what I call the
Speaker 1: stages of trust. And I want to share with you
Speaker 1: what I'm reading here from the trust chapter because it's
Speaker 1: often what is forgotten about and ignored in relationships. So
Speaker 1: I'm reading from the chapter on relationships and it starts
Speaker 1: on a section on page two three one that says
Speaker 1: trust is earned. Once you've established reasonable expectations from a relationship,
Speaker 1: then it is easier to build and maintain trust. For example,
Speaker 1: if you've clarified that you're exclusive, now it's easier to
Speaker 1: have conversations around that. If you haven't clarified that trust
Speaker 1: becomes very difficult. Trust means we believe that the person
Speaker 1: is being honest with us, that they have our interests
Speaker 1: at heart, that they will uphold their promises and confidences,
Speaker 1: and that they will stay true to these intentions in
Speaker 1: the future. Notice that I didn't say they are right
Speaker 1: all the time or handle every challenge perfectly. Trust is
Speaker 1: about intentions, not abilities. When an important person lets us down,
Speaker 1: the blow to our trust reverberates across all of our relationships.
Speaker 1: Even people with the best intentions change or don't follow
Speaker 1: the same path that we do. Others give us plenty
Speaker 1: of signs that their intentions don't mesh with ours, but
Speaker 1: we ignore them. And sometimes if we were more aware,
Speaker 1: there are people we would know not to trust in
Speaker 1: the first place. Other people's behavior is always out of control,
Speaker 1: so how can we trust anyone? So what I'm getting
Speaker 1: at here is that just because someone didn't tell you
Speaker 1: the full truth, or maybe it hits something from you
Speaker 1: that they were hiding from a lot of people, it's
Speaker 1: really important that trust is seen case by case, and
Speaker 1: that we don't amplify something in one area of the
Speaker 1: relationship to another area. So it's like, well, you like
Speaker 1: to him about where you are at work. Maybe you're
Speaker 1: lying about this right, you can't take it out of context.
Speaker 1: Now I want to share with you the stages of trust.
Speaker 1: Trust can be extended to anyone, from a taxi driver
Speaker 1: to a business partner to a lover. But obviously we
Speaker 1: don't have the same level of trust for everyone. It's
Speaker 1: important to be attentive to how deeply we trust someone
Speaker 1: and whether they've actually earned that level of trust. Doctor
Speaker 1: John Gottman, one of the nation's top marriage experts, wanted
Speaker 1: to find out what makes couples get stuck in ongoing
Speaker 1: conflict instead of resolving it and moving on. He examined
Speaker 1: couples from all over the country, from varied socioeconomic and
Speaker 1: ethnic backgrounds, and in a variety of life situations, from
Speaker 1: newly words to expecting parents to families where one spouse
Speaker 1: was deployed in military service. Across the board, the most
Speaker 1: important issue to all of these couples was trust and betrayal.
Speaker 1: The language they used to describe their issues varied a bit,
Speaker 1: but the central question was always the same. Can I
Speaker 1: trust you to be faithful? Can I trust you to
Speaker 1: help with the housework? Can I trust you to listen?
Speaker 1: To be there for me. So now I'm skipping ahead
Speaker 1: to talk about these four stages with you. So the
Speaker 1: four stages are neutral trust. Positive qualities exist that don't
Speaker 1: merit trust. Contract your trust, I'll scratch your back if
Speaker 1: you scratch mine. Mutual help goes both ways. You know
Speaker 1: you'll be there for one another in the future, and
Speaker 1: pure trust, no matter what happens, you'll have one another's backs. Now,
Speaker 1: the mistake we make is that we assume that when
Speaker 1: you fall in love with someone, when you're dating someone,
Speaker 1: that you're already at pure trust. We don't let them
Speaker 1: earn and grow from neutral trust through to pure trust.
Speaker 1: So in a loving relationship or in the beginning of
Speaker 1: a loving relationship neutral trust, when you meet someone, it's
Speaker 1: normal not to trust them. You may find them funny, charming,
Speaker 1: a joy to be around. These positive qualities do not
Speaker 1: merit trust. They mean you think your new acquaintance is cool.
Speaker 1: We tend to conflate trustworthiness with likability. Dad's examining juris
Speaker 1: perceptions of expert witnesses. Those the jurors found to be likable,
Speaker 1: they also rated as more trustworthy. Right, So when we
Speaker 1: equate likability or appeal with trust, we set ourselves up
Speaker 1: for huge disappointment. It is better to have neutral trust
Speaker 1: than to trust someone for the wrong reasons or trust
Speaker 1: them blindly or fully. So that's how you trust someone
Speaker 1: when you meet them. Now you work up to contractual trust,
Speaker 1: which is when I do something for them, do they
Speaker 1: do something for me? And often we're scared to live
Speaker 1: this way because at the beginning of a relationship we
Speaker 1: want to be like, no, I just love them, and
Speaker 1: I want to do nice things, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to expect anything. Not the right way, the healthy way
Speaker 1: is let's build trust and see whether when I do something,
Speaker 1: they do something back. Right, Is there a contractual agreement
Speaker 1: based on when I say we're exclusive, they feel the
Speaker 1: same way. Right, maybe when I pick up a meal
Speaker 1: this week, they pick up a meal next week. We're
Speaker 1: looking for that commitment. The third level is mutual trust,
Speaker 1: where now you start to loosen it a bit. You
Speaker 1: trust beyond. You don't have to pick up a check
Speaker 1: every time they do. You don't have to do exactly
Speaker 1: what they did because they did it the night before.
Speaker 1: You start recognizing that there's a bit more flexibility in
Speaker 1: that there may be a future response to that, and
Speaker 1: then finally pure trust. You can see how trust, when
Speaker 1: I'm speaking about it is something that's constantly growing and
Speaker 1: building based on action, not feeling. We trust people based
Speaker 1: on how we feel. We're like, yeah, I feel we
Speaker 1: can trust them. I feel like they're trustworthy. No, have
Speaker 1: their actions shown their trustworthy? If they told you they're
Speaker 1: going to be somewhere, did they turn up? If they
Speaker 1: told you that they do something, did they do it?
Speaker 1: If you did something, did they do it back? Right,
Speaker 1: that's the trust. If that's the boundaries you've set. The
Speaker 1: third doubt that people have in relationships is are they
Speaker 1: actually listening to How many times have you shared a story,
Speaker 1: shared a trouble, shared an experience, and then thought to yourself,
Speaker 1: are they actually listening to me? Right? Are they even conscious?
Speaker 1: Are they even there? And what I find is this
Speaker 1: requires some communication. The first thing is set a commitment
Speaker 1: in your relationship where you ask for their time and
Speaker 1: attention when you want it to be exclusive. It's so
Speaker 1: normal to walk into a room, see your partner there
Speaker 1: and start telling them all about your day or your life,
Speaker 1: and then they're on their phone, or they're watching a show,
Speaker 1: or they're doing some work or they're reading a book,
Speaker 1: and after you've finished telling them, you're like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: you weren't even listening to me, but I didn't even
Speaker 1: know you wanted me to listen to you, and I
Speaker 1: heard you, but I was in between something. And now
Speaker 1: you're like, well you don't even care. Notice how that's
Speaker 1: escalated from missing out and requesting someone's attention to now
Speaker 1: being this huge thing. The second thing is ask you
Speaker 1: partner to repeat what you said and how you felt them.
Speaker 1: Repeating what you felt is even more important than repeating
Speaker 1: what you said, So ask them, Hey, I just want
Speaker 1: to check in and make sure you understood me. Can
Speaker 1: you tell me? And when they get it right, great,
Speaker 1: When they get it wrong, don't judge them because chances
Speaker 1: are you didn't articulate it. Well, bring that into the space.
Speaker 1: These three simple pieces of advice will solve that one
Speaker 1: and make it so much more easier to get to
Speaker 1: the next stage. The next doubt that we have is
Speaker 1: should I try to save this relationship? Right? Is this
Speaker 1: relationship worth saving fixing? We've lost the spark a little bit?
Speaker 1: What could we do? So? The first thing I have
Speaker 1: to say about this is is their abuse is their emotional, mental,
Speaker 1: physical abuse. If there's abuse, chances are it won't be
Speaker 1: possible to save this relationship at this time, depending on
Speaker 1: how how dark and deep that abuse is. But I
Speaker 1: don't recommend anyone stays in a place where they're being
Speaker 1: abuse because it can start to have such a negative
Speaker 1: impact on you that it may be hard for you
Speaker 1: to get back to where you are as well. The
Speaker 1: second thing you have to ask yourself when you're asking
Speaker 1: yourself should I try to save this relationship is are
Speaker 1: you only trying to save it because you're scared of
Speaker 1: being alone? Are you trying to save it for any
Speaker 1: other reason than I'm scared of being alone and I'm
Speaker 1: scared of what my friends are going to say. If
Speaker 1: your reason for trying to save a relationship is I
Speaker 1: don't want to be alone, I don't want to see
Speaker 1: them with anyone else. I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: deal with what my friends and family are going to say.
Speaker 1: If those are your reasons for staying in a relationship,
Speaker 1: it's not a relationship you should be trying to save
Speaker 1: or stay in. Those are not good reasons why Because
Speaker 1: your reason for not wanting to be alone, that means
Speaker 1: you'd settle for anyone your reason for being scared of
Speaker 1: what your friends and family will say. Those opinions can't
Speaker 1: govern your biggest decisions. And if your only reason for
Speaker 1: being with them is because you don't want to see
Speaker 1: them with someone else, that's also a reason that may
Speaker 1: not suggest this relationships worth saving because it all comes
Speaker 1: back to nothing about them. None of that is about
Speaker 1: you loving them or wanting them, or believing in them,
Speaker 1: or respecting them or valuing them. It's all about your fears.
Speaker 1: And you don't want to just stay with someone and
Speaker 1: try and fix something because you're scared of what it
Speaker 1: will be like without them. Now, when you're thinking about
Speaker 1: saving a relationship, I like to throw this in there,
Speaker 1: is that you usually fight over small things that's worth saving.
Speaker 1: A lot of people I've seen that their relationships they
Speaker 1: fight over the tiniest things and then they let that
Speaker 1: escalate into something huge and they forget that they were
Speaker 1: just fighting about something really small and insignificant. So if
Speaker 1: you fight a lot about small and insignificant things, whether
Speaker 1: it's housework, chores, whatever it may be, chances are that
Speaker 1: relationship it's worth saving and worth solving. Right, don't throw
Speaker 1: away something good or something amazing. Even just because you
Speaker 1: fight a lot about silly things, that just means you
Speaker 1: need to improve your communication and you need to figure
Speaker 1: that part of your relationship out. That doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: need to get rid of something that's actually really powerful
Speaker 1: and beautiful and has the makings of something great. It's
Speaker 1: like saying, well, I think my job is great, but
Speaker 1: I don't like the snacks they have, or I think
Speaker 1: my job is great, but I don't like my commute
Speaker 1: to work. Right, those aren't reasons to quit the job.
Speaker 1: It's way harder to get a job than it is
Speaker 1: to commute to work. But sometimes in our mind we
Speaker 1: make these small things really big. And the reason that
Speaker 1: happens is two things. So if that small fight escalates,
Speaker 1: but you only thinking about breaking up when you're fighting,
Speaker 1: chances are your relationship still worth saving. So if you
Speaker 1: only think about breaking up when you're arguing in that moment,
Speaker 1: chances are you still need to save that relationship. Because
Speaker 1: that's not a thought that you're having all the time. Right,
Speaker 1: you're not constantly thinking about ending this relationship. You're not
Speaker 1: really thinking about this person's wrong for me. It only
Speaker 1: happens when you're having a disagreement or when you're having
Speaker 1: a disconnect or an argument, and so don't make that
Speaker 1: argument feel like now it's over. Now it's all going
Speaker 1: to end. So I really want you to consider that.
Speaker 1: The other way that we get scared of saving a
Speaker 1: relationship is we argue a lot, but actually your arguments
Speaker 1: are not about each other, so we think we argue
Speaker 1: a lot, so this relationship is not worth saving. But
Speaker 1: maybe you argue about work. Maybe you're arguing about things
Speaker 1: that are beyond both of you, and that's causing the
Speaker 1: stress and pressure in the relationship. It's important to figure
Speaker 1: out what are you actually arguing about arguing about each other.
Speaker 1: Are you are arguing about each other's core traits, values,
Speaker 1: and habits, or are you arguing about just things around
Speaker 1: that that may not align with you. Think about all
Speaker 1: of that when you're asking the question should I try
Speaker 1: and save this relationship? Now? The next doubt people have
Speaker 1: is they have the doubt have we lost our spark?
Speaker 1: And the two ways to think about this is are
Speaker 1: you trying to do the same things. If you're still
Speaker 1: trying to do the same things as you did on
Speaker 1: day one, of course you're going to lose the spark,
Speaker 1: You're like, but yeah, but we love that restaurant. We
Speaker 1: went there on our first day. But we love going
Speaker 1: to the soccer game because that's what we always do.
Speaker 1: That's why you've lost the spark. How can you have
Speaker 1: a spark when you do the same thing again and
Speaker 1: again and again and again. Together, we need to step
Speaker 1: out of a comfort zone and invite new challenges, try
Speaker 1: new things, have new experiences. And the other question, which
Speaker 1: sometimes is really subtle and we may forget, but do
Speaker 1: you spend all your time with friends or family? Do
Speaker 1: you spend all your time with friends or family? Because
Speaker 1: if you as a couple are always with friends or family,
Speaker 1: you naturally lose the spark because now your relationship almost
Speaker 1: fizzles out into how it feels when you're with everyone else.
Speaker 1: So it's so important that you plan connected time with
Speaker 1: each other, one to one time with each other. If
Speaker 1: you're feeling you're loss a spark. And so I really
Speaker 1: liked that question as a reflection. Now, the next doubt
Speaker 1: we have is are they cheating on me? And I
Speaker 1: address that a bit earlier, but this one I wanted
Speaker 1: to address head on. And the truth is that I
Speaker 1: was looking at the research, and it's hard to say,
Speaker 1: but it's overall it says that when people think that
Speaker 1: someone's cheating on them, it's more likely and has been
Speaker 1: likely that they are. And so we're good at sensing
Speaker 1: when we feel distant from someone when they feel far away.
Speaker 1: But then again, people have been really shocked and surprised,
Speaker 1: and sometimes the kind of checking in on someone and
Speaker 1: doubting them actually pushes them away. So we have to
Speaker 1: be very careful about this one because there are signs
Speaker 1: like they're nervous leaving their phone around you, there's long
Speaker 1: periods of unreachability, or there's no exploitation of their change
Speaker 1: of plans or change of travel, but that also could
Speaker 1: be because they're very busy. The thing I would encourage
Speaker 1: the most is again creating commitments of how you spend
Speaker 1: time together. When you spend time together, and is that
Speaker 1: person showing up consistently? Is that person there? And ultimately, again,
Speaker 1: let someone earn your trust. Don't give them that complete trust,
Speaker 1: that pure trust when you haven't been through this together. Now,
Speaker 1: the final doubt that I want to share with you
Speaker 1: is do we have a future together? This is a
Speaker 1: big doubt. People have been married for a long time.
Speaker 1: They have this doubt. People are been dating for a
Speaker 1: long time, they have this doubt. There's a beautiful quote
Speaker 1: by a French writer, Antoine des Saint Exuperee, but he
Speaker 1: said that love does not consist of gazing at each other,
Speaker 1: but in looking outward together in the same direction. I
Speaker 1: love that. What a beautiful statement. Are you looking in
Speaker 1: the same direction and not even in the same direction.
Speaker 1: I would go a sense deep and say, do you
Speaker 1: look at things with respect? Do you look at each
Speaker 1: other with similar value? Do you have similar plans for
Speaker 1: where you want to live and how you want to
Speaker 1: raise kids if that's part of the plan, Even if
Speaker 1: that's part of the plan, do you even want kids?
Speaker 1: If you haven't had those conversations, don't start planning a
Speaker 1: future together. If you haven't discussed, Hey, where do you
Speaker 1: want to live, do you want to have kids? How
Speaker 1: many kids do you want to have? What do you
Speaker 1: consider to be the priority in your life? If you
Speaker 1: haven't had those conversations, don't make projections in your mind
Speaker 1: or imaginations about what the future may look like. It's
Speaker 1: unhealthy and it's unrecommended. And the biggest thing when you
Speaker 1: think about if we have a future together is have
Speaker 1: you overcome struggles together? Have you been through pain together
Speaker 1: where you know you're with each other and by each
Speaker 1: other's side. If you haven't yet, notice how you navigate
Speaker 1: difficult things together. The more you're able to navigate difficult
Speaker 1: things together, the more there is longevity. I remember when
Speaker 1: Rathery and I, you know, we moved the year we
Speaker 1: got married. We quit our jobs, we change jobs, we
Speaker 1: moved country. We were alone in a place where we
Speaker 1: had no family or friends. Like we went through a
Speaker 1: lot together and we stuck together, and we saw that
Speaker 1: bring us closer together. And so I want you to
Speaker 1: consider that. I want you to think about that and
Speaker 1: see how it impacts when you think about this. So
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening today's episode. I hope
Speaker 1: it's helped you understand more about your relationship. I hope
Speaker 1: it's going to help you ask healthier questions with your partner.
Speaker 1: I hope it's going to be something you discuss. I
Speaker 1: hope it's going to be something you pass on to
Speaker 1: a friend as well. Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 1: I'll see you again next week. I on purpose. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you sending so much love. See you soon,