WEBVTT - 7 Relationship Doubts People Have & How To Know If you’re Truly Compatible 0:00:00.520 --> 0:00:03.960 Are you only trying to save this relationship because you're 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:06.560 scared of being alone? Are you trying to save it 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:09.960 for any other reason than I'm scared of being alone 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:12.000 and I'm scared of what my friends are going to say. 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:14.720 If your reason for trying to save a relationship is 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:16.919 I don't want to be alone, I don't want to 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:19.040 see them with anyone else, I don't want to have 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:20.800 to deal with what my friends and family are going 0:00:20.800 --> 0:00:22.400 to say. If those are your reasons for staying in 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:25.160 a relationship, it's not a relationship you should be trying 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:34.519 to save or staying. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:37.800 the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:40.720 each and every single one of you that come back 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:45.240 every week to listen, learn, and grow. I just want 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:48.720 to take a moment to honor and acknowledge our over 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:52.480 sixteen thousand reviews now and some of the best ones 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:55.960 that I read this week. This one's from Sam Love 0:00:56.000 --> 0:00:59.240 It Jay. The podcast has been my therapy. I'm loving 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:03.840 every episode. Love you and your guests. Sam, Thank you 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:08.440 so much for that. This is from Heather Real Talk Jay. 0:01:08.440 --> 0:01:11.759 Thank you for your wisdom. Your recent episodes have really 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:15.600 helped me see things clearly in my recent trauma. Everyone 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:18.840 has stuff. Somehow you cut through it and illuminate the 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:22.640 path to healing in a practical way. I believe everyone 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:26.319 has a true path and responsibility to grow in order 0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:29.480 to find it. You continue to give real advice and 0:01:29.640 --> 0:01:33.560 encouragement to get to that place. Thank you, thank you, no, 0:01:33.800 --> 0:01:36.560 thank you so much for sharing that. Okay, I've a 0:01:36.560 --> 0:01:39.200 big one more. It's super hard. I have so many 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:44.840 more I want to share. But finally, this one's from 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:49.080 k Serenity. I'm sitting in my car before heading inside 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:51.480 with a client, and I'm on the verge of tears. 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:53.880 For the first time in a long time, I can 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:55.960 finally say that I am on the right path to 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:59.280 loving myself again. I've been listening to this podcast for 0:01:59.360 --> 0:02:02.320 quite some time now, but the Mel Robbins podcast was 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:05.000 the final inspiration that my soul never knew it needed. 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:07.600 I used to dread waking up at five am to 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:10.120 work out before going to work. Now I do it 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:16.239 with ease by counting backwards five four, three two one. 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:18.480 I pick up my workout clothes from my floor and 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:21.000 start my day, and I'll make sure to high five 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:23.320 myself whenever I'm in the bathroom and make sure I 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:25.400 know that I'm doing everything I can to become the 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:28.400 woman I have envisioned for a long time. I can't 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:31.600 say this enough, but thank you, thank you, thank you. 0:02:32.040 --> 0:02:34.600 I'm forever grateful. I want to thank all of you 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:40.000 for leaving those reviews. And the reason why I share 0:02:40.080 --> 0:02:43.000 these reviews with all of you is because it's so 0:02:43.080 --> 0:02:46.120 beautiful to hear what you're all experiencing and hear what 0:02:46.160 --> 0:02:49.440 others are experiencing as well, because it sparks more thought 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:52.480 inside of ourselves. Now, today is a theme that I've 0:02:52.520 --> 0:02:55.560 wanted to cover for quite some time, and it's such 0:02:55.600 --> 0:02:58.400 an important episode. I think this is going to be 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:00.880 one that you're going to want to share with your friends, 0:03:00.880 --> 0:03:03.920 share with family members. This is one that's going to 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:07.280 be important and useful for a long time. And that's 0:03:07.280 --> 0:03:11.520 not for a good reason. It's unfortunate. But the amount 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:15.640 of friends, clients, family members that I have in my 0:03:15.680 --> 0:03:19.679 life that tell me that they discovered that their partner 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:25.560 was cheating on them is more than i'd like. And 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:28.720 that's why today we're talking about the seven relationship doubts 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:33.919 people have and how to know if you're truly compatible. 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:36.760 There are two things that I want this episode to 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:39.600 do for you. The first is that I want you 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:42.440 to recognize that the doubts you have in your relationship 0:03:42.920 --> 0:03:46.320 are not isolated to you. These are doubts that a 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:49.520 lot of people have in their relationships. These are doubts 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:53.240 that you share with other people in their relationships. And 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:55.720 the second thing I want to do is give you 0:03:55.760 --> 0:04:00.560 a set of questions and reflections to think about and 0:04:00.720 --> 0:04:04.520 introspect on and insight that's going to help you make 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:08.680 better decisions about the future of your relationship. How many 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.520 times have you ever struggled to think, are we truly compatible? 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:14.760 Or is there someone else out there? Or is this 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:18.000 going on in the right direction? So We're going to 0:04:18.040 --> 0:04:21.000 dive into the seven doubts, and I'm going to share 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:24.680 with you insights on how to take action based on 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:29.120 how you currently feel. Let's get going. And it's normal 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:32.440 for us to feel this way because doubts have changed too. 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:36.360 So think about this for a second. Nearly half forty 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:40.239 seven percent of all Americans say dating is harder today 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:42.960 than it was ten years ago. That's from the Pew 0:04:43.080 --> 0:04:47.479 Research Center, and women are twice as likely as men 0:04:47.520 --> 0:04:50.200 to say dating is harder than ten years ago because 0:04:50.240 --> 0:04:54.520 it's riskier now, say women. So women are believing that 0:04:54.600 --> 0:04:59.839 there's more physical and emotional risk. Obviously because of technology, 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:05.120 it's more impersonal, it's harder to meet people, it's more casual, 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:09.720 societal expectations have changed and people are busier. These are 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:13.320 some of the things that people are thinking about. And 0:05:13.920 --> 0:05:17.440 here's an interesting reset that from the Pure Reset Center 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:20.680 as well. Most datas don't feel like their dating life 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:23.880 is going well and say it's been hard to find 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:28.279 people to date. And a majority fifty seven percent of 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:31.080 women thirty five percent of men, So they've experienced some 0:05:31.160 --> 0:05:34.320 kind of harassing behavior from someone they were dating or 0:05:34.560 --> 0:05:38.080 being on a date with right, so that can't be 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:41.440 a comfortable thing. Here are some of the examples. Touch 0:05:41.520 --> 0:05:44.159 them in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. Women 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:47.480 have a high experience of that pressured them for sex. Again, 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:50.440 women have a high experience of that double that of men. 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:55.280 Sent them unasked for a sexually explicit images, spread rumors 0:05:55.320 --> 0:05:58.760 about their sexual history, shared a sexually explicit image of 0:05:58.800 --> 0:06:02.240 them without consent, which is much lower than the others, 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:05.760 and then publicly shared contact information without permission, which is 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:09.280 lower as well. But we can start to see why 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:13.359 we have doubts about relationships, why we have doubts about people. Right. 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:16.400 So the reason why I'm sharing those stats is I 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:20.640 want you to understand that relationship and dating is complex 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:23.320 as it is, and so if you're having doubts and 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:25.039 you want to help figure them out, you're in the 0:06:25.120 --> 0:06:26.920 right place. Thank you so much for choosing me in 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:29.280 on purpose. I'm so grateful to be able to help 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:33.320 you navigate these challenges. And as always, we take all 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:37.200 of our thinking from timeless Eastern wisdom and pair it 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:41.119 with modern science and research. So one of the first 0:06:41.160 --> 0:06:47.279 doubts I want to start with is are they into me? 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.240 How many of you have ever had this doubt? Are 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.720 they still into me? Are they still attracted to me? 0:06:54.440 --> 0:06:56.640 Do they still like me? Maybe you've been together for 0:06:56.680 --> 0:06:59.640 a month, maybe you've been together for a year, whichever 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.880 one it is, we always have this doubt. Now here's 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:07.240 something I want you to think about. As relationships develop, 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:13.320 our attraction in a healthy relationship also develops. So, for example, 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:16.440 when you meet someone, all you know about them is 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:20.200 their physical appearance, right, That's actually all you know about them. 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:23.200 And based on their physical appearance, which if you're attracted 0:07:23.200 --> 0:07:25.920 to you want to get to know more about them. 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:30.280 Often what we're attracted to initially is someone's financial presence, 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:33.080 not just their physical presence. You might be impressed by 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:35.840 what they're driving, you might be impressed by what they're wearing, 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:38.880 you might be impressed by where you've met them. So 0:07:38.920 --> 0:07:42.640 we can see that our initial attraction towards someone is 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:47.200 fairly based on externals, and by the way, that's natural. 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:49.480 Too often we look down on this, but at that 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:54.400 point in time, people don't have another indicator or sign 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:57.680 for what they can be attracted to. But in a 0:07:57.680 --> 0:08:03.480 healthy relationship, that physical or external attraction leads to being 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:07.840 attracted to someone's mind, leads to being attracted to someone emotionally, 0:08:08.280 --> 0:08:11.000 and leads to being attracted to someone spiritually, where you 0:08:11.000 --> 0:08:14.960 feel you're on the same frequency and vibration. So what 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:19.360 sometimes happens is you may find that your partner now 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:24.440 notices your mental, emotional, and spiritual growth more than your 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:28.880 physical and external So maybe, and this is something to 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:32.120 think about. Are they complimenting you for your mind and 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:35.240 how you think? Are they complimenting you for how you 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:38.920 deal with the stress of work. Are they congratulating you 0:08:39.040 --> 0:08:42.200 on the spiritual inner work that you've been doing, But 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:46.520 maybe they're not commenting on your appearance as much. Maybe 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:48.480 they're not conscious of it as much. Maybe they don't 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:51.720 recognize when you've had your haircut, or you've got your 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:56.040 nails done, or you just bought some new clothes. Think 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:58.880 for a second, are they actually noticing deeper parts of 0:08:59.040 --> 0:09:03.000 me that actually are showing a deeper sense of attraction, 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:07.840 or actually am I noticing that they're not showing that 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:11.720 level of attraction. And this is a really important way 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:18.840 to think about the compatibility around this doubt. Compatibility requires 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:22.559 us to be physically and externally attracted and attracted to 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:27.280 someone's inner life. That's what true compatibility is. And that 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:31.400 attraction may also change and transform. So I'll give an 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:34.199 example that when we spend more time with people and 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:37.240 we get to know them better, they often become more 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:41.720 attractive to us, even in the simplest ways. So I 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:44.200 always say this to Rady, and I'll always say to 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:47.280 rad that to me when we're hanging out at home 0:09:47.520 --> 0:09:50.880 and maybe she's in sweat, something like you're just beautiful, 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:54.760 Like you're so cute and adorable, and to me that 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:57.560 is because I've just fallen in love with who she 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:00.719 is overall is this big ball of sunshine, as I 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:04.520 like to think about her, and so my attraction is deepened, 0:10:05.000 --> 0:10:08.600 and so I'm not always more attracted to her if 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:11.000 she's dressed up to go out to an event. So 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:15.079 it's really important that you don't forget or don't exclude 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:20.679 more inner forms of attraction and inner forms of compliments 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:23.120 and validation that your partner may be offering you because 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:25.840 you're expecting what you had in the beginning. And I 0:10:25.880 --> 0:10:29.000 think that's the rule that you'll see throughout this episode, 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:31.720 is that the way someone is attracted to you and 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:34.600 the way they communicate that will change. I just saw 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:38.160 a funny meme earlier today that said, why is it 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:41.720 that when you're dating people they only have money and 0:10:41.760 --> 0:10:45.640 compliments for the first three months? And I just burst 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:48.920 out laughing because I was thinking, Wow, that sounds so 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:53.000 true for so many people. And the reason why I 0:10:53.080 --> 0:10:56.760 raised that here is because the way someone expresses they're 0:10:56.760 --> 0:11:00.200 attracted to you will change over time. Your job is 0:11:00.240 --> 0:11:03.720 not to check whether it's the same as it's been before. 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:08.360 The way you action this to understand compatibility is does 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:11.439 it exist even if in another way. So if you're 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:14.040 looking for in the same places in the same ways, 0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:17.280 you may be disappointed. But if you broaden your picture 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:21.040 and broaden the landscape, you may discover that they're deeply 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:24.440 attracted to you, just in a new way. Now, the 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:29.480 second doubt that people have, which is a really big one, 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:36.960 is can I trust them? And the reason why this 0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:40.040 is such a big one is that we've met so 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:42.640 many people who've been dishonest with us. We've met so 0:11:42.679 --> 0:11:46.040 many people who've hidden things from us, We've met so 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:52.040 many people who have broken our trust. And the first 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:53.559 thing I'd like you to reflect on is how did 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:55.880 you meet them? Did you meet them when they were 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:59.760 breaking someone else's trust? Did you meet them when they 0:11:59.760 --> 0:12:01.640 were going through something and they opened up to you 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:05.400 and they were vulnerable with you. What circumstance you met 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:07.800 someone in is really important because if they were breaking 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:10.600 someone else's trust when they met you, of course chances 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:14.240 are that they may break that trust again. That could 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:16.880 be a recurring theme or pattern in that life, and 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.480 that may be something to keep an eye out for. 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:24.160 So the second thing you need to think about around 0:12:24.200 --> 0:12:30.880 the trust doubt is are you exclusive? Right? Are you exclusive? 0:12:30.920 --> 0:12:34.240 And have you had that conversation? If you haven't had 0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:38.240 that conversation, if you haven't clarified that, it's really difficult 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:41.280 to have trust. I find that trust is earned and 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:45.720 gained when you have transparent commitments that you're both making 0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:49.119 to each other. You can't just assume that someone is trustworthy, 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:51.840 and you can't just assume that you're now exclusive. You 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.240 can't just assume that you're in a relationship. It is 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:58.880 a conversation that needs to happen. And now, in my book, 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.720 Think like a Monk break down what I call the 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:05.880 stages of trust. And I want to share with you 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:08.920 what I'm reading here from the trust chapter because it's 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:13.720 often what is forgotten about and ignored in relationships. So 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:18.120 I'm reading from the chapter on relationships and it starts 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:21.120 on a section on page two three one that says 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:25.520 trust is earned. Once you've established reasonable expectations from a relationship, 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:29.200 then it is easier to build and maintain trust. For example, 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:33.520 if you've clarified that you're exclusive, now it's easier to 0:13:33.600 --> 0:13:36.839 have conversations around that. If you haven't clarified that trust 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:41.000 becomes very difficult. Trust means we believe that the person 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:44.000 is being honest with us, that they have our interests 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:48.760 at heart, that they will uphold their promises and confidences, 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:52.120 and that they will stay true to these intentions in 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:55.240 the future. Notice that I didn't say they are right 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:59.559 all the time or handle every challenge perfectly. Trust is 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:04.560 about intentions, not abilities. When an important person lets us down, 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:08.800 the blow to our trust reverberates across all of our relationships. 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:12.920 Even people with the best intentions change or don't follow 0:14:12.960 --> 0:14:15.960 the same path that we do. Others give us plenty 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:18.960 of signs that their intentions don't mesh with ours, but 0:14:19.040 --> 0:14:22.320 we ignore them. And sometimes if we were more aware, 0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:25.200 there are people we would know not to trust in 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:29.080 the first place. Other people's behavior is always out of control, 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:34.160 so how can we trust anyone? So what I'm getting 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:37.720 at here is that just because someone didn't tell you 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:40.760 the full truth, or maybe it hits something from you 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:42.800 that they were hiding from a lot of people, it's 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:46.080 really important that trust is seen case by case, and 0:14:46.120 --> 0:14:49.520 that we don't amplify something in one area of the 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:51.760 relationship to another area. So it's like, well, you like 0:14:51.840 --> 0:14:53.240 to him about where you are at work. Maybe you're 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.720 lying about this right, you can't take it out of context. 0:14:57.320 --> 0:14:59.440 Now I want to share with you the stages of trust. 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:02.640 Trust can be extended to anyone, from a taxi driver 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:05.200 to a business partner to a lover. But obviously we 0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:08.240 don't have the same level of trust for everyone. It's 0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:11.040 important to be attentive to how deeply we trust someone 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:15.520 and whether they've actually earned that level of trust. Doctor 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:18.920 John Gottman, one of the nation's top marriage experts, wanted 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:22.120 to find out what makes couples get stuck in ongoing 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:26.520 conflict instead of resolving it and moving on. He examined 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:30.560 couples from all over the country, from varied socioeconomic and 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:34.120 ethnic backgrounds, and in a variety of life situations, from 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:37.560 newly words to expecting parents to families where one spouse 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:41.480 was deployed in military service. Across the board, the most 0:15:41.520 --> 0:15:45.480 important issue to all of these couples was trust and betrayal. 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:49.200 The language they used to describe their issues varied a bit, 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:52.480 but the central question was always the same. Can I 0:15:52.520 --> 0:15:55.040 trust you to be faithful? Can I trust you to 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:57.560 help with the housework? Can I trust you to listen? 0:15:57.600 --> 0:16:00.320 To be there for me. So now I'm skipping ahead 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:03.040 to talk about these four stages with you. So the 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:08.040 four stages are neutral trust. Positive qualities exist that don't 0:16:08.080 --> 0:16:11.920 merit trust. Contract your trust, I'll scratch your back if 0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:15.720 you scratch mine. Mutual help goes both ways. You know 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:18.440 you'll be there for one another in the future, and 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:22.840 pure trust, no matter what happens, you'll have one another's backs. Now, 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:26.600 the mistake we make is that we assume that when 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.200 you fall in love with someone, when you're dating someone, 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:33.120 that you're already at pure trust. We don't let them 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:37.920 earn and grow from neutral trust through to pure trust. 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:41.280 So in a loving relationship or in the beginning of 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.760 a loving relationship neutral trust, when you meet someone, it's 0:16:44.800 --> 0:16:48.000 normal not to trust them. You may find them funny, charming, 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:50.920 a joy to be around. These positive qualities do not 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:55.200 merit trust. They mean you think your new acquaintance is cool. 0:16:55.760 --> 0:17:01.440 We tend to conflate trustworthiness with likability. Dad's examining juris 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:06.000 perceptions of expert witnesses. Those the jurors found to be likable, 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:10.959 they also rated as more trustworthy. Right, So when we 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:15.000 equate likability or appeal with trust, we set ourselves up 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:18.679 for huge disappointment. It is better to have neutral trust 0:17:18.920 --> 0:17:21.760 than to trust someone for the wrong reasons or trust 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:25.200 them blindly or fully. So that's how you trust someone 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:28.680 when you meet them. Now you work up to contractual trust, 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:30.920 which is when I do something for them, do they 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:34.120 do something for me? And often we're scared to live 0:17:34.119 --> 0:17:35.760 this way because at the beginning of a relationship we 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:37.199 want to be like, no, I just love them, and 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:38.840 I want to do nice things, and I don't want 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:42.600 to expect anything. Not the right way, the healthy way 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:46.200 is let's build trust and see whether when I do something, 0:17:46.240 --> 0:17:50.080 they do something back. Right, Is there a contractual agreement 0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:52.439 based on when I say we're exclusive, they feel the 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:55.600 same way. Right, maybe when I pick up a meal 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:58.160 this week, they pick up a meal next week. We're 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:01.800 looking for that commitment. The third level is mutual trust, 0:18:02.359 --> 0:18:04.399 where now you start to loosen it a bit. You 0:18:04.480 --> 0:18:07.040 trust beyond. You don't have to pick up a check 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:09.959 every time they do. You don't have to do exactly 0:18:10.040 --> 0:18:12.000 what they did because they did it the night before. 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:16.159 You start recognizing that there's a bit more flexibility in 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:19.959 that there may be a future response to that, and 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:23.360 then finally pure trust. You can see how trust, when 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:26.640 I'm speaking about it is something that's constantly growing and 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:31.560 building based on action, not feeling. We trust people based 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:34.040 on how we feel. We're like, yeah, I feel we 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:39.639 can trust them. I feel like they're trustworthy. No, have 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.080 their actions shown their trustworthy? If they told you they're 0:18:43.080 --> 0:18:45.880 going to be somewhere, did they turn up? If they 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:48.280 told you that they do something, did they do it? 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:51.200 If you did something, did they do it back? Right, 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:54.320 that's the trust. If that's the boundaries you've set. The 0:18:54.480 --> 0:18:58.560 third doubt that people have in relationships is are they 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:02.480 actually listening to How many times have you shared a story, 0:19:02.720 --> 0:19:06.960 shared a trouble, shared an experience, and then thought to yourself, 0:19:07.400 --> 0:19:13.000 are they actually listening to me? Right? Are they even conscious? 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:17.280 Are they even there? And what I find is this 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:21.840 requires some communication. The first thing is set a commitment 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:26.240 in your relationship where you ask for their time and 0:19:26.280 --> 0:19:29.640 attention when you want it to be exclusive. It's so 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:32.200 normal to walk into a room, see your partner there 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:34.760 and start telling them all about your day or your life, 0:19:35.240 --> 0:19:37.520 and then they're on their phone, or they're watching a show, 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:39.399 or they're doing some work or they're reading a book, 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:41.440 and after you've finished telling them, you're like, oh, well, 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:43.800 you weren't even listening to me, but I didn't even 0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:45.199 know you wanted me to listen to you, and I 0:19:45.240 --> 0:19:47.359 heard you, but I was in between something. And now 0:19:47.400 --> 0:19:50.040 you're like, well you don't even care. Notice how that's 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:55.600 escalated from missing out and requesting someone's attention to now 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:58.679 being this huge thing. The second thing is ask you 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:03.000 partner to repeat what you said and how you felt them. 0:20:03.080 --> 0:20:06.080 Repeating what you felt is even more important than repeating 0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:08.280 what you said, So ask them, Hey, I just want 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:09.959 to check in and make sure you understood me. Can 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:12.920 you tell me? And when they get it right, great, 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:15.639 When they get it wrong, don't judge them because chances 0:20:15.640 --> 0:20:19.040 are you didn't articulate it. Well, bring that into the space. 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:22.120 These three simple pieces of advice will solve that one 0:20:22.760 --> 0:20:25.879 and make it so much more easier to get to 0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:30.119 the next stage. The next doubt that we have is 0:20:30.320 --> 0:20:34.040 should I try to save this relationship? Right? Is this 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:39.000 relationship worth saving fixing? We've lost the spark a little bit? 0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:41.439 What could we do? So? The first thing I have 0:20:41.480 --> 0:20:45.520 to say about this is is their abuse is their emotional, mental, 0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:49.960 physical abuse. If there's abuse, chances are it won't be 0:20:49.960 --> 0:20:52.760 possible to save this relationship at this time, depending on 0:20:52.800 --> 0:20:56.120 how how dark and deep that abuse is. But I 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:59.720 don't recommend anyone stays in a place where they're being 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:01.719 abuse because it can start to have such a negative 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:03.719 impact on you that it may be hard for you 0:21:03.800 --> 0:21:06.399 to get back to where you are as well. The 0:21:06.440 --> 0:21:08.600 second thing you have to ask yourself when you're asking 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:12.160 yourself should I try to save this relationship is are 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:15.719 you only trying to save it because you're scared of 0:21:15.720 --> 0:21:18.800 being alone? Are you trying to save it for any 0:21:18.800 --> 0:21:22.120 other reason than I'm scared of being alone and I'm 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:24.320 scared of what my friends are going to say. If 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:27.040 your reason for trying to save a relationship is I 0:21:27.080 --> 0:21:29.360 don't want to be alone, I don't want to see 0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:31.520 them with anyone else. I don't want to have to 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:33.479 deal with what my friends and family are going to say. 0:21:33.520 --> 0:21:35.639 If those are your reasons for staying in a relationship, 0:21:36.280 --> 0:21:38.240 it's not a relationship you should be trying to save 0:21:38.640 --> 0:21:43.359 or stay in. Those are not good reasons why Because 0:21:43.400 --> 0:21:46.639 your reason for not wanting to be alone, that means 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:50.399 you'd settle for anyone your reason for being scared of 0:21:50.400 --> 0:21:53.000 what your friends and family will say. Those opinions can't 0:21:53.080 --> 0:21:56.679 govern your biggest decisions. And if your only reason for 0:21:56.760 --> 0:21:58.360 being with them is because you don't want to see 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:01.760 them with someone else, that's also a reason that may 0:22:01.800 --> 0:22:04.480 not suggest this relationships worth saving because it all comes 0:22:04.520 --> 0:22:08.720 back to nothing about them. None of that is about 0:22:08.760 --> 0:22:11.760 you loving them or wanting them, or believing in them, 0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:16.719 or respecting them or valuing them. It's all about your fears. 0:22:17.680 --> 0:22:19.359 And you don't want to just stay with someone and 0:22:19.400 --> 0:22:21.879 try and fix something because you're scared of what it 0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:24.840 will be like without them. Now, when you're thinking about 0:22:24.840 --> 0:22:27.640 saving a relationship, I like to throw this in there, 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:33.399 is that you usually fight over small things that's worth saving. 0:22:33.880 --> 0:22:36.320 A lot of people I've seen that their relationships they 0:22:36.320 --> 0:22:38.200 fight over the tiniest things and then they let that 0:22:38.440 --> 0:22:43.840 escalate into something huge and they forget that they were 0:22:43.880 --> 0:22:46.280 just fighting about something really small and insignificant. So if 0:22:46.280 --> 0:22:49.040 you fight a lot about small and insignificant things, whether 0:22:49.040 --> 0:22:52.960 it's housework, chores, whatever it may be, chances are that 0:22:53.000 --> 0:22:56.120 relationship it's worth saving and worth solving. Right, don't throw 0:22:56.160 --> 0:23:00.359 away something good or something amazing. Even just because you 0:23:00.359 --> 0:23:02.280 fight a lot about silly things, that just means you 0:23:02.320 --> 0:23:04.920 need to improve your communication and you need to figure 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:07.359