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Speaker 1: Are you only trying to save this relationship because you're

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Speaker 1: scared of being alone? Are you trying to save it

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Speaker 1: for any other reason than I'm scared of being alone

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Speaker 1: and I'm scared of what my friends are going to say.

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Speaker 1: If your reason for trying to save a relationship is

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be alone, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: see them with anyone else, I don't want to have

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Speaker 1: to deal with what my friends and family are going

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Speaker 1: to say. If those are your reasons for staying in

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Speaker 1: a relationship, it's not a relationship you should be trying

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Speaker 1: to save or staying. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,

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Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to

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Speaker 1: each and every single one of you that come back

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Speaker 1: every week to listen, learn, and grow. I just want

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Speaker 1: to take a moment to honor and acknowledge our over

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Speaker 1: sixteen thousand reviews now and some of the best ones

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Speaker 1: that I read this week. This one's from Sam Love

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Speaker 1: It Jay. The podcast has been my therapy. I'm loving

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Speaker 1: every episode. Love you and your guests. Sam, Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much for that. This is from Heather Real Talk Jay.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for your wisdom. Your recent episodes have really

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Speaker 1: helped me see things clearly in my recent trauma. Everyone

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Speaker 1: has stuff. Somehow you cut through it and illuminate the

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Speaker 1: path to healing in a practical way. I believe everyone

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Speaker 1: has a true path and responsibility to grow in order

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Speaker 1: to find it. You continue to give real advice and

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Speaker 1: encouragement to get to that place. Thank you, thank you, no,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for sharing that. Okay, I've a

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Speaker 1: big one more. It's super hard. I have so many

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Speaker 1: more I want to share. But finally, this one's from

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Speaker 1: k Serenity. I'm sitting in my car before heading inside

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Speaker 1: with a client, and I'm on the verge of tears.

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Speaker 1: For the first time in a long time, I can

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Speaker 1: finally say that I am on the right path to

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Speaker 1: loving myself again. I've been listening to this podcast for

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Speaker 1: quite some time now, but the Mel Robbins podcast was

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Speaker 1: the final inspiration that my soul never knew it needed.

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Speaker 1: I used to dread waking up at five am to

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Speaker 1: work out before going to work. Now I do it

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Speaker 1: with ease by counting backwards five four, three two one.

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Speaker 1: I pick up my workout clothes from my floor and

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Speaker 1: start my day, and I'll make sure to high five

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Speaker 1: myself whenever I'm in the bathroom and make sure I

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Speaker 1: know that I'm doing everything I can to become the

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Speaker 1: woman I have envisioned for a long time. I can't

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Speaker 1: say this enough, but thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Speaker 1: I'm forever grateful. I want to thank all of you

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Speaker 1: for leaving those reviews. And the reason why I share

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Speaker 1: these reviews with all of you is because it's so

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Speaker 1: beautiful to hear what you're all experiencing and hear what

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Speaker 1: others are experiencing as well, because it sparks more thought

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Speaker 1: inside of ourselves. Now, today is a theme that I've

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Speaker 1: wanted to cover for quite some time, and it's such

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Speaker 1: an important episode. I think this is going to be

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Speaker 1: one that you're going to want to share with your friends,

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Speaker 1: share with family members. This is one that's going to

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Speaker 1: be important and useful for a long time. And that's

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Speaker 1: not for a good reason. It's unfortunate. But the amount

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Speaker 1: of friends, clients, family members that I have in my

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Speaker 1: life that tell me that they discovered that their partner

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Speaker 1: was cheating on them is more than i'd like. And

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Speaker 1: that's why today we're talking about the seven relationship doubts

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Speaker 1: people have and how to know if you're truly compatible.

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Speaker 1: There are two things that I want this episode to

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Speaker 1: do for you. The first is that I want you

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Speaker 1: to recognize that the doubts you have in your relationship

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Speaker 1: are not isolated to you. These are doubts that a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have in their relationships. These are doubts

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Speaker 1: that you share with other people in their relationships. And

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Speaker 1: the second thing I want to do is give you

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Speaker 1: a set of questions and reflections to think about and

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Speaker 1: introspect on and insight that's going to help you make

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Speaker 1: better decisions about the future of your relationship. How many

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Speaker 1: times have you ever struggled to think, are we truly compatible?

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Speaker 1: Or is there someone else out there? Or is this

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Speaker 1: going on in the right direction? So We're going to

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Speaker 1: dive into the seven doubts, and I'm going to share

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Speaker 1: with you insights on how to take action based on

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Speaker 1: how you currently feel. Let's get going. And it's normal

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Speaker 1: for us to feel this way because doubts have changed too.

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Speaker 1: So think about this for a second. Nearly half forty

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Speaker 1: seven percent of all Americans say dating is harder today

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Speaker 1: than it was ten years ago. That's from the Pew

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Speaker 1: Research Center, and women are twice as likely as men

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Speaker 1: to say dating is harder than ten years ago because

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Speaker 1: it's riskier now, say women. So women are believing that

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Speaker 1: there's more physical and emotional risk. Obviously because of technology,

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Speaker 1: it's more impersonal, it's harder to meet people, it's more casual,

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Speaker 1: societal expectations have changed and people are busier. These are

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Speaker 1: some of the things that people are thinking about. And

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Speaker 1: here's an interesting reset that from the Pure Reset Center

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Speaker 1: as well. Most datas don't feel like their dating life

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Speaker 1: is going well and say it's been hard to find

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Speaker 1: people to date. And a majority fifty seven percent of

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Speaker 1: women thirty five percent of men, So they've experienced some

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Speaker 1: kind of harassing behavior from someone they were dating or

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Speaker 1: being on a date with right, so that can't be

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Speaker 1: a comfortable thing. Here are some of the examples. Touch

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Speaker 1: them in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. Women

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Speaker 1: have a high experience of that pressured them for sex. Again,

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Speaker 1: women have a high experience of that double that of men.

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Speaker 1: Sent them unasked for a sexually explicit images, spread rumors

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Speaker 1: about their sexual history, shared a sexually explicit image of

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Speaker 1: them without consent, which is much lower than the others,

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Speaker 1: and then publicly shared contact information without permission, which is

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Speaker 1: lower as well. But we can start to see why

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Speaker 1: we have doubts about relationships, why we have doubts about people. Right.

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Speaker 1: So the reason why I'm sharing those stats is I

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Speaker 1: want you to understand that relationship and dating is complex

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Speaker 1: as it is, and so if you're having doubts and

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Speaker 1: you want to help figure them out, you're in the

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Speaker 1: right place. Thank you so much for choosing me in

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Speaker 1: on purpose. I'm so grateful to be able to help

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Speaker 1: you navigate these challenges. And as always, we take all

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Speaker 1: of our thinking from timeless Eastern wisdom and pair it

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Speaker 1: with modern science and research. So one of the first

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Speaker 1: doubts I want to start with is are they into me?

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Speaker 1: How many of you have ever had this doubt? Are

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Speaker 1: they still into me? Are they still attracted to me?

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Speaker 1: Do they still like me? Maybe you've been together for

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Speaker 1: a month, maybe you've been together for a year, whichever

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Speaker 1: one it is, we always have this doubt. Now here's

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Speaker 1: something I want you to think about. As relationships develop,

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Speaker 1: our attraction in a healthy relationship also develops. So, for example,

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Speaker 1: when you meet someone, all you know about them is

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Speaker 1: their physical appearance, right, That's actually all you know about them.

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Speaker 1: And based on their physical appearance, which if you're attracted

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Speaker 1: to you want to get to know more about them.

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Speaker 1: Often what we're attracted to initially is someone's financial presence,

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Speaker 1: not just their physical presence. You might be impressed by

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Speaker 1: what they're driving, you might be impressed by what they're wearing,

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Speaker 1: you might be impressed by where you've met them. So

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Speaker 1: we can see that our initial attraction towards someone is

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Speaker 1: fairly based on externals, and by the way, that's natural.

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Speaker 1: Too often we look down on this, but at that

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Speaker 1: point in time, people don't have another indicator or sign

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Speaker 1: for what they can be attracted to. But in a

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Speaker 1: healthy relationship, that physical or external attraction leads to being

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Speaker 1: attracted to someone's mind, leads to being attracted to someone emotionally,

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Speaker 1: and leads to being attracted to someone spiritually, where you

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Speaker 1: feel you're on the same frequency and vibration. So what

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Speaker 1: sometimes happens is you may find that your partner now

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Speaker 1: notices your mental, emotional, and spiritual growth more than your

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Speaker 1: physical and external So maybe, and this is something to

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Speaker 1: think about. Are they complimenting you for your mind and

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Speaker 1: how you think? Are they complimenting you for how you

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Speaker 1: deal with the stress of work. Are they congratulating you

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Speaker 1: on the spiritual inner work that you've been doing, But

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Speaker 1: maybe they're not commenting on your appearance as much. Maybe

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Speaker 1: they're not conscious of it as much. Maybe they don't

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Speaker 1: recognize when you've had your haircut, or you've got your

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Speaker 1: nails done, or you just bought some new clothes. Think

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Speaker 1: for a second, are they actually noticing deeper parts of

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Speaker 1: me that actually are showing a deeper sense of attraction,

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Speaker 1: or actually am I noticing that they're not showing that

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Speaker 1: level of attraction. And this is a really important way

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Speaker 1: to think about the compatibility around this doubt. Compatibility requires

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Speaker 1: us to be physically and externally attracted and attracted to

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Speaker 1: someone's inner life. That's what true compatibility is. And that

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Speaker 1: attraction may also change and transform. So I'll give an

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Speaker 1: example that when we spend more time with people and

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Speaker 1: we get to know them better, they often become more

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Speaker 1: attractive to us, even in the simplest ways. So I

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Speaker 1: always say this to Rady, and I'll always say to

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Speaker 1: rad that to me when we're hanging out at home

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Speaker 1: and maybe she's in sweat, something like you're just beautiful,

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Speaker 1: Like you're so cute and adorable, and to me that

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Speaker 1: is because I've just fallen in love with who she

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Speaker 1: is overall is this big ball of sunshine, as I

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Speaker 1: like to think about her, and so my attraction is deepened,

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Speaker 1: and so I'm not always more attracted to her if

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Speaker 1: she's dressed up to go out to an event. So

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Speaker 1: it's really important that you don't forget or don't exclude

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Speaker 1: more inner forms of attraction and inner forms of compliments

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Speaker 1: and validation that your partner may be offering you because

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Speaker 1: you're expecting what you had in the beginning. And I

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Speaker 1: think that's the rule that you'll see throughout this episode,

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Speaker 1: is that the way someone is attracted to you and

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Speaker 1: the way they communicate that will change. I just saw

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Speaker 1: a funny meme earlier today that said, why is it

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Speaker 1: that when you're dating people they only have money and

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Speaker 1: compliments for the first three months? And I just burst

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Speaker 1: out laughing because I was thinking, Wow, that sounds so

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Speaker 1: true for so many people. And the reason why I

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Speaker 1: raised that here is because the way someone expresses they're

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Speaker 1: attracted to you will change over time. Your job is

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Speaker 1: not to check whether it's the same as it's been before.

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Speaker 1: The way you action this to understand compatibility is does

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Speaker 1: it exist even if in another way. So if you're

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Speaker 1: looking for in the same places in the same ways,

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Speaker 1: you may be disappointed. But if you broaden your picture

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Speaker 1: and broaden the landscape, you may discover that they're deeply

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Speaker 1: attracted to you, just in a new way. Now, the

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Speaker 1: second doubt that people have, which is a really big one,

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Speaker 1: is can I trust them? And the reason why this

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Speaker 1: is such a big one is that we've met so

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Speaker 1: many people who've been dishonest with us. We've met so

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Speaker 1: many people who've hidden things from us, We've met so

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Speaker 1: many people who have broken our trust. And the first

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Speaker 1: thing I'd like you to reflect on is how did

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Speaker 1: you meet them? Did you meet them when they were

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Speaker 1: breaking someone else's trust? Did you meet them when they

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Speaker 1: were going through something and they opened up to you

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Speaker 1: and they were vulnerable with you. What circumstance you met

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Speaker 1: someone in is really important because if they were breaking

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Speaker 1: someone else's trust when they met you, of course chances

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Speaker 1: are that they may break that trust again. That could

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Speaker 1: be a recurring theme or pattern in that life, and

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Speaker 1: that may be something to keep an eye out for.

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Speaker 1: So the second thing you need to think about around

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Speaker 1: the trust doubt is are you exclusive? Right? Are you exclusive?

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Speaker 1: And have you had that conversation? If you haven't had

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Speaker 1: that conversation, if you haven't clarified that, it's really difficult

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Speaker 1: to have trust. I find that trust is earned and

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Speaker 1: gained when you have transparent commitments that you're both making

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Speaker 1: to each other. You can't just assume that someone is trustworthy,

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Speaker 1: and you can't just assume that you're now exclusive. You

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Speaker 1: can't just assume that you're in a relationship. It is

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Speaker 1: a conversation that needs to happen. And now, in my book,

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Speaker 1: Think like a Monk break down what I call the

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Speaker 1: stages of trust. And I want to share with you

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Speaker 1: what I'm reading here from the trust chapter because it's

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Speaker 1: often what is forgotten about and ignored in relationships. So

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Speaker 1: I'm reading from the chapter on relationships and it starts

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Speaker 1: on a section on page two three one that says

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Speaker 1: trust is earned. Once you've established reasonable expectations from a relationship,

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Speaker 1: then it is easier to build and maintain trust. For example,

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Speaker 1: if you've clarified that you're exclusive, now it's easier to

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Speaker 1: have conversations around that. If you haven't clarified that trust

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Speaker 1: becomes very difficult. Trust means we believe that the person

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Speaker 1: is being honest with us, that they have our interests

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Speaker 1: at heart, that they will uphold their promises and confidences,

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Speaker 1: and that they will stay true to these intentions in

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Speaker 1: the future. Notice that I didn't say they are right

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Speaker 1: all the time or handle every challenge perfectly. Trust is

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Speaker 1: about intentions, not abilities. When an important person lets us down,

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Speaker 1: the blow to our trust reverberates across all of our relationships.

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Speaker 1: Even people with the best intentions change or don't follow

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Speaker 1: the same path that we do. Others give us plenty

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Speaker 1: of signs that their intentions don't mesh with ours, but

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Speaker 1: we ignore them. And sometimes if we were more aware,

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Speaker 1: there are people we would know not to trust in

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Speaker 1: the first place. Other people's behavior is always out of control,

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Speaker 1: so how can we trust anyone? So what I'm getting

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Speaker 1: at here is that just because someone didn't tell you

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Speaker 1: the full truth, or maybe it hits something from you

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Speaker 1: that they were hiding from a lot of people, it's

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Speaker 1: really important that trust is seen case by case, and

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Speaker 1: that we don't amplify something in one area of the

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Speaker 1: relationship to another area. So it's like, well, you like

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Speaker 1: to him about where you are at work. Maybe you're

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Speaker 1: lying about this right, you can't take it out of context.

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Speaker 1: Now I want to share with you the stages of trust.

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Speaker 1: Trust can be extended to anyone, from a taxi driver

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Speaker 1: to a business partner to a lover. But obviously we

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Speaker 1: don't have the same level of trust for everyone. It's

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Speaker 1: important to be attentive to how deeply we trust someone

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Speaker 1: and whether they've actually earned that level of trust. Doctor

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Speaker 1: John Gottman, one of the nation's top marriage experts, wanted

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Speaker 1: to find out what makes couples get stuck in ongoing

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Speaker 1: conflict instead of resolving it and moving on. He examined

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Speaker 1: couples from all over the country, from varied socioeconomic and

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Speaker 1: ethnic backgrounds, and in a variety of life situations, from

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Speaker 1: newly words to expecting parents to families where one spouse

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Speaker 1: was deployed in military service. Across the board, the most

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Speaker 1: important issue to all of these couples was trust and betrayal.

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Speaker 1: The language they used to describe their issues varied a bit,

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Speaker 1: but the central question was always the same. Can I

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Speaker 1: trust you to be faithful? Can I trust you to

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Speaker 1: help with the housework? Can I trust you to listen?

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Speaker 1: To be there for me. So now I'm skipping ahead

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Speaker 1: to talk about these four stages with you. So the

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Speaker 1: four stages are neutral trust. Positive qualities exist that don't

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Speaker 1: merit trust. Contract your trust, I'll scratch your back if

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Speaker 1: you scratch mine. Mutual help goes both ways. You know

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Speaker 1: you'll be there for one another in the future, and

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Speaker 1: pure trust, no matter what happens, you'll have one another's backs. Now,

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Speaker 1: the mistake we make is that we assume that when

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Speaker 1: you fall in love with someone, when you're dating someone,

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Speaker 1: that you're already at pure trust. We don't let them

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Speaker 1: earn and grow from neutral trust through to pure trust.

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Speaker 1: So in a loving relationship or in the beginning of

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Speaker 1: a loving relationship neutral trust, when you meet someone, it's

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Speaker 1: normal not to trust them. You may find them funny, charming,

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Speaker 1: a joy to be around. These positive qualities do not

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Speaker 1: merit trust. They mean you think your new acquaintance is cool.

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Speaker 1: We tend to conflate trustworthiness with likability. Dad's examining juris

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Speaker 1: perceptions of expert witnesses. Those the jurors found to be likable,

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Speaker 1: they also rated as more trustworthy. Right, So when we

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Speaker 1: equate likability or appeal with trust, we set ourselves up

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Speaker 1: for huge disappointment. It is better to have neutral trust

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Speaker 1: than to trust someone for the wrong reasons or trust

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Speaker 1: them blindly or fully. So that's how you trust someone

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Speaker 1: when you meet them. Now you work up to contractual trust,

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Speaker 1: which is when I do something for them, do they

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Speaker 1: do something for me? And often we're scared to live

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Speaker 1: this way because at the beginning of a relationship we

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Speaker 1: want to be like, no, I just love them, and

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Speaker 1: I want to do nice things, and I don't want

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Speaker 1: to expect anything. Not the right way, the healthy way

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Speaker 1: is let's build trust and see whether when I do something,

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Speaker 1: they do something back. Right, Is there a contractual agreement

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Speaker 1: based on when I say we're exclusive, they feel the

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Speaker 1: same way. Right, maybe when I pick up a meal

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Speaker 1: this week, they pick up a meal next week. We're

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Speaker 1: looking for that commitment. The third level is mutual trust,

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Speaker 1: where now you start to loosen it a bit. You

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Speaker 1: trust beyond. You don't have to pick up a check

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Speaker 1: every time they do. You don't have to do exactly

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Speaker 1: what they did because they did it the night before.

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Speaker 1: You start recognizing that there's a bit more flexibility in

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Speaker 1: that there may be a future response to that, and

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Speaker 1: then finally pure trust. You can see how trust, when

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Speaker 1: I'm speaking about it is something that's constantly growing and

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Speaker 1: building based on action, not feeling. We trust people based

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Speaker 1: on how we feel. We're like, yeah, I feel we

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Speaker 1: can trust them. I feel like they're trustworthy. No, have

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Speaker 1: their actions shown their trustworthy? If they told you they're

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Speaker 1: going to be somewhere, did they turn up? If they

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Speaker 1: told you that they do something, did they do it?

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Speaker 1: If you did something, did they do it back? Right,

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Speaker 1: that's the trust. If that's the boundaries you've set. The

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Speaker 1: third doubt that people have in relationships is are they

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Speaker 1: actually listening to How many times have you shared a story,

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Speaker 1: shared a trouble, shared an experience, and then thought to yourself,

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Speaker 1: are they actually listening to me? Right? Are they even conscious?

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Speaker 1: Are they even there? And what I find is this

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Speaker 1: requires some communication. The first thing is set a commitment

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Speaker 1: in your relationship where you ask for their time and

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Speaker 1: attention when you want it to be exclusive. It's so

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Speaker 1: normal to walk into a room, see your partner there

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Speaker 1: and start telling them all about your day or your life,

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Speaker 1: and then they're on their phone, or they're watching a show,

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Speaker 1: or they're doing some work or they're reading a book,

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Speaker 1: and after you've finished telling them, you're like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: you weren't even listening to me, but I didn't even

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Speaker 1: know you wanted me to listen to you, and I

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Speaker 1: heard you, but I was in between something. And now

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Speaker 1: you're like, well you don't even care. Notice how that's

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Speaker 1: escalated from missing out and requesting someone's attention to now

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Speaker 1: being this huge thing. The second thing is ask you

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Speaker 1: partner to repeat what you said and how you felt them.

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Speaker 1: Repeating what you felt is even more important than repeating

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Speaker 1: what you said, So ask them, Hey, I just want

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Speaker 1: to check in and make sure you understood me. Can

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Speaker 1: you tell me? And when they get it right, great,

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Speaker 1: When they get it wrong, don't judge them because chances

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Speaker 1: are you didn't articulate it. Well, bring that into the space.

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Speaker 1: These three simple pieces of advice will solve that one

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Speaker 1: and make it so much more easier to get to

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Speaker 1: the next stage. The next doubt that we have is

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Speaker 1: should I try to save this relationship? Right? Is this

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Speaker 1: relationship worth saving fixing? We've lost the spark a little bit?

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Speaker 1: What could we do? So? The first thing I have

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Speaker 1: to say about this is is their abuse is their emotional, mental,

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Speaker 1: physical abuse. If there's abuse, chances are it won't be

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Speaker 1: possible to save this relationship at this time, depending on

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Speaker 1: how how dark and deep that abuse is. But I

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Speaker 1: don't recommend anyone stays in a place where they're being

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Speaker 1: abuse because it can start to have such a negative

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Speaker 1: impact on you that it may be hard for you

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Speaker 1: to get back to where you are as well. The

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Speaker 1: second thing you have to ask yourself when you're asking

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Speaker 1: yourself should I try to save this relationship is are

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Speaker 1: you only trying to save it because you're scared of

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Speaker 1: being alone? Are you trying to save it for any

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Speaker 1: other reason than I'm scared of being alone and I'm

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Speaker 1: scared of what my friends are going to say. If

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Speaker 1: your reason for trying to save a relationship is I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be alone, I don't want to see

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Speaker 1: them with anyone else. I don't want to have to

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Speaker 1: deal with what my friends and family are going to say.

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Speaker 1: If those are your reasons for staying in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: it's not a relationship you should be trying to save

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Speaker 1: or stay in. Those are not good reasons why Because

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Speaker 1: your reason for not wanting to be alone, that means

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Speaker 1: you'd settle for anyone your reason for being scared of

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Speaker 1: what your friends and family will say. Those opinions can't

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Speaker 1: govern your biggest decisions. And if your only reason for

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Speaker 1: being with them is because you don't want to see

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Speaker 1: them with someone else, that's also a reason that may

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Speaker 1: not suggest this relationships worth saving because it all comes

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Speaker 1: back to nothing about them. None of that is about

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Speaker 1: you loving them or wanting them, or believing in them,

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Speaker 1: or respecting them or valuing them. It's all about your fears.

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Speaker 1: And you don't want to just stay with someone and

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Speaker 1: try and fix something because you're scared of what it

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Speaker 1: will be like without them. Now, when you're thinking about

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Speaker 1: saving a relationship, I like to throw this in there,

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Speaker 1: is that you usually fight over small things that's worth saving.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people I've seen that their relationships they

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Speaker 1: fight over the tiniest things and then they let that

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Speaker 1: escalate into something huge and they forget that they were

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Speaker 1: just fighting about something really small and insignificant. So if

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Speaker 1: you fight a lot about small and insignificant things, whether

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Speaker 1: it's housework, chores, whatever it may be, chances are that

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Speaker 1: relationship it's worth saving and worth solving. Right, don't throw

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Speaker 1: away something good or something amazing. Even just because you

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00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 1: fight a lot about silly things, that just means you

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00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,920
Speaker 1: need to improve your communication and you need to figure

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Speaker 1: that part of your relationship out. That doesn't mean you

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Speaker 1: need to get rid of something that's actually really powerful

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Speaker 1: and beautiful and has the makings of something great. It's

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Speaker 1: like saying, well, I think my job is great, but

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Speaker 1: I don't like the snacks they have, or I think

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00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,920
Speaker 1: my job is great, but I don't like my commute

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Speaker 1: to work. Right, those aren't reasons to quit the job.

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Speaker 1: It's way harder to get a job than it is

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Speaker 1: to commute to work. But sometimes in our mind we

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Speaker 1: make these small things really big. And the reason that

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Speaker 1: happens is two things. So if that small fight escalates,

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Speaker 1: but you only thinking about breaking up when you're fighting,

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Speaker 1: chances are your relationship still worth saving. So if you

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Speaker 1: only think about breaking up when you're arguing in that moment,

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Speaker 1: chances are you still need to save that relationship. Because

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Speaker 1: that's not a thought that you're having all the time. Right,

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Speaker 1: you're not constantly thinking about ending this relationship. You're not

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Speaker 1: really thinking about this person's wrong for me. It only

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Speaker 1: happens when you're having a disagreement or when you're having

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Speaker 1: a disconnect or an argument, and so don't make that

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Speaker 1: argument feel like now it's over. Now it's all going

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Speaker 1: to end. So I really want you to consider that.

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Speaker 1: The other way that we get scared of saving a

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Speaker 1: relationship is we argue a lot, but actually your arguments

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Speaker 1: are not about each other, so we think we argue

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Speaker 1: a lot, so this relationship is not worth saving. But

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Speaker 1: maybe you argue about work. Maybe you're arguing about things

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Speaker 1: that are beyond both of you, and that's causing the

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Speaker 1: stress and pressure in the relationship. It's important to figure

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Speaker 1: out what are you actually arguing about arguing about each other.

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Speaker 1: Are you are arguing about each other's core traits, values,

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00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:54,200
Speaker 1: and habits, or are you arguing about just things around

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00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,000
Speaker 1: that that may not align with you. Think about all

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00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 1: of that when you're asking the question should I try

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00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 1: and save this relationship? Now? The next doubt people have

436
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,920
Speaker 1: is they have the doubt have we lost our spark?

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00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,960
Speaker 1: And the two ways to think about this is are

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00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,399
Speaker 1: you trying to do the same things. If you're still

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00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: trying to do the same things as you did on

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00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,359
Speaker 1: day one, of course you're going to lose the spark,

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00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,679
Speaker 1: You're like, but yeah, but we love that restaurant. We

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00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: went there on our first day. But we love going

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00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,639
Speaker 1: to the soccer game because that's what we always do.

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00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,440
Speaker 1: That's why you've lost the spark. How can you have

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00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,240
Speaker 1: a spark when you do the same thing again and

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00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,840
Speaker 1: again and again and again. Together, we need to step

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00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,360
Speaker 1: out of a comfort zone and invite new challenges, try

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00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:43,120
Speaker 1: new things, have new experiences. And the other question, which

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00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 1: sometimes is really subtle and we may forget, but do

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00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,879
Speaker 1: you spend all your time with friends or family? Do

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00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 1: you spend all your time with friends or family? Because

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00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,440
Speaker 1: if you as a couple are always with friends or family,

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00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 1: you naturally lose the spark because now your relationship almost

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00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,399
Speaker 1: fizzles out into how it feels when you're with everyone else.

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00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,199
Speaker 1: So it's so important that you plan connected time with

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00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 1: each other, one to one time with each other. If

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00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,840
Speaker 1: you're feeling you're loss a spark. And so I really

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00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,920
Speaker 1: liked that question as a reflection. Now, the next doubt

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00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,399
Speaker 1: we have is are they cheating on me? And I

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00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,720
Speaker 1: address that a bit earlier, but this one I wanted

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00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,439
Speaker 1: to address head on. And the truth is that I

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00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: was looking at the research, and it's hard to say,

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00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,040
Speaker 1: but it's overall it says that when people think that

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00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:30,160
Speaker 1: someone's cheating on them, it's more likely and has been

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00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaker 1: likely that they are. And so we're good at sensing

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00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,840
Speaker 1: when we feel distant from someone when they feel far away.

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00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,399
Speaker 1: But then again, people have been really shocked and surprised,

468
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 1: and sometimes the kind of checking in on someone and

469
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,879
Speaker 1: doubting them actually pushes them away. So we have to

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00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,200
Speaker 1: be very careful about this one because there are signs

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00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,400
Speaker 1: like they're nervous leaving their phone around you, there's long

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00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:55,280
Speaker 1: periods of unreachability, or there's no exploitation of their change

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00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,040
Speaker 1: of plans or change of travel, but that also could

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00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 1: be because they're very busy. The thing I would encourage

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00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,200
Speaker 1: the most is again creating commitments of how you spend

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00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 1: time together. When you spend time together, and is that

477
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:12,639
Speaker 1: person showing up consistently? Is that person there? And ultimately, again,

478
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,119
Speaker 1: let someone earn your trust. Don't give them that complete trust,

479
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 1: that pure trust when you haven't been through this together. Now,

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00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:22,160
Speaker 1: the final doubt that I want to share with you

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00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: is do we have a future together? This is a

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00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,240
Speaker 1: big doubt. People have been married for a long time.

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00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 1: They have this doubt. People are been dating for a

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00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,800
Speaker 1: long time, they have this doubt. There's a beautiful quote

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00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 1: by a French writer, Antoine des Saint Exuperee, but he

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00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,880
Speaker 1: said that love does not consist of gazing at each other,

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00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: but in looking outward together in the same direction. I

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00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: love that. What a beautiful statement. Are you looking in

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00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,119
Speaker 1: the same direction and not even in the same direction.

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00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,040
Speaker 1: I would go a sense deep and say, do you

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00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,560
Speaker 1: look at things with respect? Do you look at each

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00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 1: other with similar value? Do you have similar plans for

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00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 1: where you want to live and how you want to

494
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,919
Speaker 1: raise kids if that's part of the plan, Even if

495
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 1: that's part of the plan, do you even want kids?

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00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,919
Speaker 1: If you haven't had those conversations, don't start planning a

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00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 1: future together. If you haven't discussed, Hey, where do you

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00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 1: want to live, do you want to have kids? How

499
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 1: many kids do you want to have? What do you

500
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:21,520
Speaker 1: consider to be the priority in your life? If you

501
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:25,879
Speaker 1: haven't had those conversations, don't make projections in your mind

502
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,680
Speaker 1: or imaginations about what the future may look like. It's

503
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 1: unhealthy and it's unrecommended. And the biggest thing when you

504
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: think about if we have a future together is have

505
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 1: you overcome struggles together? Have you been through pain together

506
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 1: where you know you're with each other and by each

507
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 1: other's side. If you haven't yet, notice how you navigate

508
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,960
Speaker 1: difficult things together. The more you're able to navigate difficult

509
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,280
Speaker 1: things together, the more there is longevity. I remember when

510
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:55,920
Speaker 1: Rathery and I, you know, we moved the year we

511
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,320
Speaker 1: got married. We quit our jobs, we change jobs, we

512
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,120
Speaker 1: moved country. We were alone in a place where we

513
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,080
Speaker 1: had no family or friends. Like we went through a

514
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:04,920
Speaker 1: lot together and we stuck together, and we saw that

515
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,640
Speaker 1: bring us closer together. And so I want you to

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00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 1: consider that. I want you to think about that and

517
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:14,960
Speaker 1: see how it impacts when you think about this. So

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00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening today's episode. I hope

519
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,760
Speaker 1: it's helped you understand more about your relationship. I hope

520
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: it's going to help you ask healthier questions with your partner.

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00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: I hope it's going to be something you discuss. I

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00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: hope it's going to be something you pass on to

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00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:29,880
Speaker 1: a friend as well. Thank you so much for listening.

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00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 1: I'll see you again next week. I on purpose. I

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00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 1: appreciate you sending so much love. See you soon,