1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: fm to get started on. 11 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,320 Speaker 2: This week's episode in her Space. 12 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,879 Speaker 3: Judgmental of myself and other people that would shut my 13 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,559 Speaker 3: own feelings and judge other people when they were expressed 14 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 3: because I was talking that you weren't supposed to. And 15 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 3: I think the more I realized that we are multists 16 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 3: and it's okay for us to be the multi dimensional 17 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 3: being that we are, so we can pipated, sexual, safetified, sensual, 18 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,080 Speaker 3: and spiritual at the time, that's okay, It is okay. 19 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: And I think that I think a lot of that 20 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: ties into patriarchy and this understanding, this notion or this 21 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 1: expectation that sex is about what men want. Welcome to 22 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women like you. 23 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:36,399 Speaker 1: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Broussard, a Pollege professor and psychologist. 24 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 25 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 26 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 27 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,480 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where 28 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 2: black women can just be. 29 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: Okay, lady. Today's episode, we are diving in and talking 30 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 1: about our younger selves, and I want to start us 31 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: off with a quote from Gabrielle Union's book, We're Gonna 32 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 1: Need More Wine. Your deep mahogany's skin may not resemble 33 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 1: that of the others in your family, but it's just 34 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: as gorgeous and you're just as worthy. One day you'll 35 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 1: appreciate how much your brown skin shines in the moonlight, 36 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 1: listens in the sun, and ages ever so slowly. 37 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:41,320 Speaker 3: Have you ever had those experiences where you looked back 38 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 3: on your life to yourself, Girl, if I think what 39 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 3: I don't have, Oh, no, I have. 40 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 1: I have too, and I think about, oh, it's it's 41 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:03,519 Speaker 1: it's it's a tricky thing, right like at my age now, 42 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: I think about things that I would tell my younger 43 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:13,079 Speaker 1: self at different states in the game. But I think 44 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 1: I want I think I want to stick to like 45 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 1: my my young young adult self, like my under twenty 46 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: five self. Okay, so for my young adult self, you know, 47 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: I think that what I would say about relationships, finances, sexuality, career, 48 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 1: and womanhood, like all of those are things that come 49 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:45,119 Speaker 1: up for me. And what I would tell my young 50 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: adult self is different than what I would tell myself 51 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: like maybe two or three years ago, and even what 52 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 1: I would tell myself as a teenager. 53 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 4: Yeah, that makes sense that I would definitely have. 54 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 3: Some esteem to That's like that has changed so much 55 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 3: involved over time. And so I guess I'm gonna goel 56 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 3: I'm want to focus on what I would tell my 57 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 3: them adult fling, well, like what kind of tell my 58 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:15,840 Speaker 3: younger self when it comes to relationships, for instance. And 59 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 3: I thought the person that comes to mind for me 60 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 3: is knows that those red flags are there for reasoning. 61 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 1: Okay, oh yeah, okay, all right, yeah, red flag there 62 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 1: for a reason. You got a story for us. 63 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 4: I'm trying to think. I think I had so many 64 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 4: examples where it's just you know, you're in a situation. 65 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,280 Speaker 4: You know, typically relationships, you. 66 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 3: Start off everything great, got the honeymoon things, You're like, 67 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 3: oh my god, so I mean even think I'm so 68 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 3: in love, like everything's so perfect, and then you should 69 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 3: have to see the little and excuses for them. 70 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 4: So it's like, oh, he cares so much, he's so controlling, 71 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 4: he's like always wants to be around me and like 72 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,480 Speaker 4: loads my phone up like nonsip and like situations like that. 73 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,000 Speaker 4: Always called me fifty times because he couldn't get a buck, 74 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 4: you know, didn't get it, didn't get get it answer 75 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,839 Speaker 4: on the first round. Oh that's so cute. Little stuff 76 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:07,360 Speaker 4: like that, where it's like, bro, those rand flags that you. 77 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 3: Know today are being the same bad thing the job 78 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 3: be crazy in the future. And so it's just like 79 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 3: paying attention to that now because when you think about 80 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 3: it it would might be flattering in a moment that 81 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 3: also might speak to where I might have been self 82 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,880 Speaker 3: the same wise, because that's flattering. 83 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,480 Speaker 4: To me, that's not really hope, right, So it's just 84 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 4: it's a matter of kind of browsing at all and 85 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 4: looking at it objectively. But there's a lot of. 86 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 3: Stuff that I excuse maybecause sex was good, right, and 87 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 3: you're like, oh, wow, I'll just tolerate this. 88 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,919 Speaker 4: One thing because I had I had one girl somewhere. 89 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,600 Speaker 4: She used to pay for everything. She was dating the 90 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,120 Speaker 4: guy who never had a job. She was really holding 91 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,880 Speaker 4: him and like taking care of him. But she was 92 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 4: the kind of person and this is no judgment, it's 93 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 4: just kind of saving the fact of the conversations we had. 94 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:49,960 Speaker 4: She was the kind of. 95 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,720 Speaker 3: Person that really was kind of despicult to be in 96 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,280 Speaker 3: a relationship. She really wanted to keep of someone that 97 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,520 Speaker 3: she was wanting to put up a bat later it 98 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,719 Speaker 3: didn't work out, and that it should beginning that she 99 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,719 Speaker 3: thought was cute, like, oh, I them changed the dynamic 100 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 3: relationship ends up being one of the main reasons why 101 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,160 Speaker 3: they weren't together because it advantage of it. 102 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 1: And see, I think that piece, it kind of ties 103 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,560 Speaker 1: into the other piece that I have that comes up 104 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 1: for me is trusting your gut, right, because I think 105 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 1: our gut, our instincts give us information about those red flags. Right. 106 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:35,599 Speaker 1: So if your partner is calling you fifty times in 107 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: a day and something in your gut is like whether 108 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: it's just a noise the hell out of me, or 109 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: I don't I even maybe can't even put my finger 110 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:53,840 Speaker 1: on it, but your gut lets you know that weight 111 00:06:54,000 --> 00:07:00,760 Speaker 1: something isn't quite right here. Trust your gut, and also 112 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:03,920 Speaker 1: trust your gut when things feel good. Don't run away 113 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,280 Speaker 1: from the things that feel good, because sometimes we will 114 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: do that. Sometimes our gut will say, this might not 115 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 1: be the norm, this might not be how you were raised, 116 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: this might not be what everyone else wants for you. 117 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: But if your gut tells you that this feels right, 118 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,120 Speaker 1: go for it. 119 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 3: You don't, you just make me think of You made 120 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 3: me think about the fact that sometimes and this kind 121 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 3: of ties it to trust your gut. Sometimes it was 122 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 3: self sabotage. I remember for me growing up and seeing 123 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,400 Speaker 3: men do women so dirty, Like in my family, I 124 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 3: would there were the situations with my uncle and you 125 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 3: a new woman to the house for every holiday or 126 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 3: every other week, and I'm like, oh, he's all his girlfriend. Okay, 127 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 3: you just talking all these chicks out watch them do that. 128 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 3: And I'm just like, oh, yeah, that's never gonna happen me. 129 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 3: It impacted me in a certain way. So that impacted 130 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 3: the way I showed up my relationships. And I remember 131 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,160 Speaker 3: when I would get into a relationship it was very 132 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 3: hard to open up, and I would so I would 133 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 3: sabotage something that appeared to be good. 134 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 4: Because I was like, oh, I don't want to get hurt. 135 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:17,239 Speaker 4: I'm gonna stay closed off. So even it's like maybe 136 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 4: it's the corn ball, but you don't think that you're tight, 137 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 4: and you're like, oh, I'll never go with him, but 138 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,840 Speaker 4: he has everything that's on the list, but he didn't 139 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 4: come in the package that he wanted him to come into, 140 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 4: and he didn't come in the package that you envisioned 141 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 4: him coming into. Because that makes sense, that's coming the 142 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 4: way that you envisioned him coming. And so now you're like, oh, 143 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,439 Speaker 4: my gut is saying this might be it, but I'm. 144 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 3: Gonna sabotage it because I don't really know right or 145 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,720 Speaker 3: for whatever reason. So I think that that's what that 146 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 3: makes me think. 147 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: Well, yes, definitely definitely trusting trusting our gut on all 148 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: of these things, all. 149 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 4: These things, and because we're smarter than we think we 150 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 4: are a lot of times, and I feel like we 151 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 4: keep getting those feelings in our gut for a reason. 152 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,760 Speaker 4: And even to this day, I'm still working on developing 153 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 4: that activity. 154 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,319 Speaker 3: With my gut because I'll feel something. Something as simple 155 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 3: as you know all your gut will tell you bring 156 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 3: an umbrella even though you didn't see the weather. 157 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 4: You didn't see it was gonna rite for something. Just 158 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 4: so you bought the house. You go out the house 159 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 4: and it's missing, like my hair, and so you have 160 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,560 Speaker 4: to run back in the house, and it's like, why 161 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:24,960 Speaker 4: do I just listen to my intuition? I feel like 162 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960 Speaker 4: those are great opportunities for us to test that and 163 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 4: build the muscles so that we know when our intuition 164 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,280 Speaker 4: is telling us something. Also use that in a relationship. 165 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: Ooh, excellent point. Excellent point. And I think that the 166 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: other piece that our gut also tells us is that 167 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: there are times when we as we grow and we evolve, 168 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: that this relationship might not be for us anymore. 169 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 3: I would think that I would definitely tell my youngerself 170 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:01,080 Speaker 3: the same thing, like relationships evolved and it's OutGiving people 171 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,719 Speaker 3: in relationships. And I think I used to always have 172 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 3: this child where it's like, oh my gosh, I've put 173 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 3: it in so much time. You know, not high school. 174 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,160 Speaker 4: You might be leaving so and you're like, we've been 175 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,320 Speaker 4: gouts for two years. 176 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 3: This is so long we've been doing so much, so 177 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 3: because of all the time that we've finished the relationship, 178 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 3: we're just gonna stay together because so much time, And 179 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 3: it's like, why are you gonna say something that's broken 180 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 3: and stop working because of all the time you put it. 181 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,880 Speaker 4: It's never too late to start fresh. It's never too 182 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,439 Speaker 4: late to start over for something. 183 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:37,040 Speaker 1: Better exactly, and knowing that you're in and trusting the process, 184 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,439 Speaker 1: right and so if you're good is saying, you know what, 185 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: we have outgrown this and you've gotten the red flags 186 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 1: and you're like, okay, just because we've we've known each 187 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 1: other since childhood, does not mean that we we have 188 00:10:55,960 --> 00:11:01,360 Speaker 1: to stay together and that it is okay and you 189 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:05,720 Speaker 1: will be okay. I think that's the biggest message to 190 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 1: my younger self in terms of relationships, is that no 191 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,640 Speaker 1: matter what happens, you will be okay. 192 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,119 Speaker 4: You will be okay, whether you decide to a relationship 193 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 4: or they bring up with you. Sometimes in the moment, 194 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,760 Speaker 4: it just seems so overwhelming and it seems like this 195 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 4: is this is the end of my life. It's over. 196 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,959 Speaker 4: But it's like, people will be okay. I'm always always 197 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,559 Speaker 4: saying he came to the world alone. You got me 198 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:31,199 Speaker 4: this world alone, like people be okay if the relationship 199 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 4: ends right, and so I guess should go on to finance. 200 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,520 Speaker 4: Move girl, what would you tell your younger self about. 201 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 1: Finance mmm, tying it into relationships, that I don't need 202 00:11:53,120 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 1: a partner to handle my finances and so, you know, 203 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: and everyone has to figure out what they want for them, 204 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 1: like what they need out of a relationship. But for me, 205 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:15,959 Speaker 1: I would definitely constantly remind my younger self that, girl, 206 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:22,560 Speaker 1: you got this, and a healthy relationship for you does 207 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:28,719 Speaker 1: not include you being financially dependent on a man. 208 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 4: Where do you did that came from? Don like that 209 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 4: thought of I might need a partner a man or 210 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:34,800 Speaker 4: something like that. 211 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:44,199 Speaker 1: I think that society, I think society has groomed us 212 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 1: to believe that in order to have the quote unquote 213 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:55,280 Speaker 1: American dream, that it needs to be a two person 214 00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 1: household and that that and and and the two person 215 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: heterosexual household with the man is the provider. And even 216 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,760 Speaker 1: if the woman has a good job, because they said that, 217 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:15,160 Speaker 1: you know, we supposedly evolved, you know, over the last 218 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: few decades, but and that women that can and then 219 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:24,480 Speaker 1: it's quote unquote okay for women to have careers, but 220 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 1: it's still this notion of the man should be the 221 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:34,160 Speaker 1: provider and the woman, no matter what type of job 222 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: she has, should not make more than her man. And 223 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:44,440 Speaker 1: so for me, what I would tell my younger self 224 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 1: is that financially you take care of you. 225 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 3: I would say that I would tell my younger self 226 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 3: to never choose money over your passion. But if you do, 227 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 3: because sometimes we do create an exit plan to get 228 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 3: back to your passion. And I too have an experience 229 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:01,600 Speaker 3: for that. 230 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 4: And I remember when I got out of when I. 231 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 3: Graduated from grad school, I got my first three girl 232 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 3: job where I had benefits. I have my little cartment, 233 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,440 Speaker 3: I have my car. I was thinking because the most 234 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 3: money I'd ever made at that point. 235 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,480 Speaker 4: In my career. And I remember being so miserable because 236 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 4: I felt like I had sacrificed my real passion, which 237 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 4: was motivational speaking, you know, writing books and things like that, 238 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 4: and I was working in a different field, and I 239 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 4: felt like I had sacrificed all that to. 240 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 3: Check off all the boxes and to get all the 241 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 3: things that they said I needed. 242 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:33,960 Speaker 4: And twenty begins. 243 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 3: When I got to that point I had all those things, 244 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 3: I was not happy and I was not filled. And 245 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,680 Speaker 3: that's when I realized, oh, okay, although I'm at this 246 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 3: very comfortable position where I have everything I need. 247 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,040 Speaker 4: I need my job, if I need with meals. It 248 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 4: was a very comfortable position a parking space in New 249 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 4: York City. 250 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 3: I mean it was lit, it was on pointy, but 251 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,080 Speaker 3: I wasn't happy. And that me realized that that doesn't 252 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 3: define any Sometimes you can choose your passion and you 253 00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 3: may not make it much money, but you'll still be 254 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 3: happy and you can find as a creative ways to 255 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 3: supplement your income, right, And so that was that's what 256 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 3: I was talking about. 257 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:06,880 Speaker 4: Yourself. 258 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 1: You know, someone wants a mentor once told me that 259 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: if you pursue your passion, the money will find you. 260 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,760 Speaker 1: And when I when I think about that, I think 261 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: that what to me, what that means is that not 262 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:27,120 Speaker 1: only does that mean that you are, like you said, 263 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:33,040 Speaker 1: putting your passion over the finance piece, but what you're 264 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: also doing is investing in yourself. And for me, that's 265 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 1: that's one of the things that I would tell myself 266 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 1: too about finances, is to invest in yourself. And investing 267 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 1: in yourself to me looks like putting money towards helping 268 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:57,400 Speaker 1: you pursue your passion. And so if like my younger self, 269 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: psychology is my thing, like mental health is my thing, 270 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 1: and so I would tell my younger self to not 271 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: pass up on those conferences, on those networking opportunities, like 272 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 1: all of those things that may have required some money 273 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: but would have but would allow you to pursue your passion, 274 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,960 Speaker 1: to invest in yourself, even if that means, you know what, 275 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,000 Speaker 1: I can't go eat sushi tonight, I gotta have some 276 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 1: top ramen, But that means that, if that means that 277 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:46,120 Speaker 1: I'm pursuing my passion and it's setting me up for 278 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 1: long term success, bigger picture success, then make that temporary 279 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,760 Speaker 1: sacrifice top top dominate. 280 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 4: That bad end up in the season. So how thoughts. 281 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: Exactly spice it up? Just some some sarich of sauce, 282 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,399 Speaker 1: add some vegetables up in there, and then you have 283 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:17,120 Speaker 1: your whole little own, your own little surfry situation. You 284 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,440 Speaker 1: you find ways. 285 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,400 Speaker 3: And the only thing I would add to that down 286 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:25,000 Speaker 3: and if you pursuing your passion, I would say, think 287 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,680 Speaker 3: about where your passion is and try to find the 288 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,240 Speaker 3: need to society ass and I build a bridge to 289 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 3: that so that you can monetize that passion. 290 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 1: I know. 291 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,520 Speaker 4: I know some creatives with like my cousin, he's so 292 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,480 Speaker 4: talented and you can draw it's behind off, right, but 293 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 4: it's like sometimes he has trouble finding a way to 294 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,639 Speaker 4: actually make a living off of that. 295 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,160 Speaker 3: But if you can invest to yourself and figure out, okay, 296 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 3: how can I either pursue my passion either way to 297 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 3: monetize it, or sometimes you can keep your day job, 298 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 3: like do the job and do your passion on the side. 299 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 4: Right, It doesn't that life isn't for everybody, Like it's 300 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,840 Speaker 4: okay to keep a stevy job benefits and making sure you. 301 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,439 Speaker 3: Your family is safe and do your passion on the 302 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,200 Speaker 3: stage and still get that fulfillment. 303 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,680 Speaker 1: So yeah, I would definitely yeah, that's a good point. 304 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 1: And I think the other piece to that too is 305 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: getting a financial advisor, because that financial advisor might also 306 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: be that person who guide you into saying, Okay, well 307 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,439 Speaker 1: here's what your this is what your money looks like. 308 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,800 Speaker 1: Here is how much room you have to truly invest 309 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,879 Speaker 1: in your passion. Here is where you may need to 310 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,880 Speaker 1: make some cuts so that or make some changes so 311 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: that you can pursue your passion. But I would definitely 312 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: say to my younger self to get a financial advisor. 313 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,720 Speaker 3: A man, I feel like go on and on finance 314 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,720 Speaker 3: because I learned so many that listen. I didn't have 315 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,719 Speaker 3: a lot of structure and information about finances growing up, 316 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 3: and don't feel like a financial value pace to start 317 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,000 Speaker 3: if you didn't grow in a family that talked about 318 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 3: finances and balancing your. 319 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 4: Checkbook and credit and investing all that at. 320 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:03,200 Speaker 3: The dinner table at yourself, a financial advisor, you can 321 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 3: get that in order. 322 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 4: Yes, let's talk. 323 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: About career, and so I think as we're talking about 324 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:19,120 Speaker 1: pursuing our passion, I think that that dovetails perfectly right 325 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:24,199 Speaker 1: into talking about what your career looks like. And I 326 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: would tell my younger self that part of really taking 327 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: full advantage of like your career opportunities would be to 328 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:43,360 Speaker 1: study abroad and travel abroad. Like I can recall specifically, 329 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: there were a couple of times in undergrad and I 330 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: do definitely recall a time in graduate school where an 331 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 1: opportunity came up to spend a semester abroad doing work 332 00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 1: in another country and learning about mental health in that country. 333 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,880 Speaker 1: And I remember a couple of classmates did it, and 334 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,240 Speaker 1: I remember saying to myself, Oh, that seems really cool, 335 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,880 Speaker 1: but financially, I can't afford to do that, so that's 336 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:14,400 Speaker 1: just not gonna happen. When in reality, if I had 337 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,160 Speaker 1: looked at that took that as an opportunity to really 338 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: invest in myself, I could have spoke to a financial advisor, 339 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 1: but then also my school financial aid office about how 340 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,679 Speaker 1: to make that happen. 341 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a really good point. 342 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,919 Speaker 3: Sometimes it's like we don't know about opportunities because we 343 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,840 Speaker 3: don't have the resources and or we don't know what 344 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 3: resources are develope to us that I'm. 345 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,679 Speaker 4: With you that travel abroad. I had a chance to 346 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:40,880 Speaker 4: do that for the first time at. 347 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,199 Speaker 3: Seventeen, and I noticed a lot of common persons specialis 348 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 3: white people that I'm around, and look that they are real. 349 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 4: A lot of my offer are well traveled, like they. 350 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 3: Were taking family tricks to get me younger, and it 351 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:55,800 Speaker 3: really helps develop sort of a global sort of perspective 352 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 3: when you are able to see other parts of the world, 353 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 3: teach different cultures and experience and all that kind of stuff. 354 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,119 Speaker 3: So I would second, I would definitely move that. 355 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 4: And that leads me on to the next one. For me, 356 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,879 Speaker 4: which would we learn another language? I would tell my 357 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:12,000 Speaker 4: younger sol, girl, why didn't you pay attention in Spanish? Flash? Okay, 358 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,480 Speaker 4: because I think that now I. 359 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,640 Speaker 3: Realize, girl, I was just bullshit and I was here 360 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 3: like and you know when I was younger, and I 361 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 3: stopped doing this as like got older. 362 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,639 Speaker 4: But when I was in high school, every once in 363 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 4: a while, I would be cheating on the test. Girl. 364 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 4: I was like, I don't really care about this, it 365 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,200 Speaker 4: doesn't matter. I'm gonna write the answers to girl. I 366 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 4: used to write the answers on my hands a mess. 367 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,159 Speaker 4: I know I need to write the answers. Girl. I 368 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 4: was like, I don't feel like learning this. I want 369 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,160 Speaker 4: to get an a and I would I just kick 370 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,119 Speaker 4: myself today because I'm like, I wish I would have 371 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,400 Speaker 4: paid attention, because that would make me even more marketable. 372 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,080 Speaker 4: You know, you speak multiple language. She's just so much 373 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,359 Speaker 4: more marketable when it comes to the career and what 374 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 4: you can do and give not. 375 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,679 Speaker 3: To sup replacement because everyone said, no, everyone's not illegal. 376 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,639 Speaker 1: Right right? If I was a bilingual therapist. 377 00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 4: Girl, girl, girl, Girl, one more time, girl, girl, girl, 378 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:05,920 Speaker 4: don't practice, how. 379 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:11,199 Speaker 1: Would yes, it would just be it would be a 380 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:15,160 Speaker 1: game changer for real if I had taken a really 381 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,720 Speaker 1: pursued Spanish. Because I took Spanish in hell, they gave us, 382 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: they exposed the Suspanish in elementary school. I feel like 383 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,960 Speaker 1: I might have taken it in middle school. I'm drawing 384 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: a blank on that right now. I know for sure 385 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 1: I took it in high school, and then I took 386 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,960 Speaker 1: it again in college, like for real, like for real, 387 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:40,960 Speaker 1: for real, I could be bilingual right now, Ye with you, 388 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,959 Speaker 1: But that's that's definitely the thing that I would tell 389 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,600 Speaker 1: my younger self is to become bilingual early on the other. 390 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 3: Thing that I was from younger so as it relates 391 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,439 Speaker 3: to career, is your network. 392 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:57,159 Speaker 4: Network. That's nice slogan. We heard a lot that I 393 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 4: realized that working in it take inditionally in San Francisco, Bro, when. 394 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 3: I tell you, I've seen people that are not necessarily 395 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 3: qualifying for jobs. 396 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 4: They know someone that builds someone or the build the. 397 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 3: Person that they need to do, and they're able to 398 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,959 Speaker 3: get that connection because we know that's the terms your network. 399 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,520 Speaker 3: Now you have this high paying job because you knew 400 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 3: someone who could connect you. 401 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,160 Speaker 4: And so for me, I have networked my ass off 402 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 4: in the last. 403 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,920 Speaker 3: Four years of building in San Francisco, and it's open, 404 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 3: so really foolish opportunity. 405 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,320 Speaker 4: And it's really about when you think about you know, 406 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 4: I did a branding workshop Risky and I talked about 407 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,639 Speaker 4: how it's not about who you know, right, it's about 408 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 4: who knows you and what they're saying in their room. 409 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 3: But you're not a yes So what are they saying 410 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 3: about you when they're in the room with the exects? 411 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 3: So they're saying, oh, Don, she will be perfect for 412 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,119 Speaker 3: this project. And how would they know that? 413 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 4: Because Don was from the relationship with that person And 414 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 4: so right now all about the genuine relationship with people. 415 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,359 Speaker 3: And I notice that even on that journey, there are 416 00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,359 Speaker 3: some people I meet them or I get their energy 417 00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:58,440 Speaker 3: and I'm like, that's not really the type of energy 418 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,280 Speaker 3: I'm looking for, And so you just move on to 419 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 3: someone else that it's, you know, in the energy field 420 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 3: that you want to gain. And we have this sort 421 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,840 Speaker 3: of mentality it's like real new friends. So new friends, 422 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,959 Speaker 3: but if those new friends are going to be one 423 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 3: to help you. 424 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,159 Speaker 4: Open up new opportunities, right, So, like we talked about 425 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,640 Speaker 4: before the showdown, it's like you don't have to leave 426 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:21,439 Speaker 4: your current friend, You just explore and expand the network 427 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:21,960 Speaker 4: that you had. 428 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 1: I think that's a great point, because I think my 429 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: younger self was terrified of networking, and when I really 430 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: think back on some of the biggest game changers or 431 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 1: opportunities that came about for me, think that I wasn't 432 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,680 Speaker 1: expecting to happen for me. Those things came about when 433 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,040 Speaker 1: I pushed my boundaries, pushed my push my limits, and 434 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 1: networked right. And so I would tell my younger self, 435 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:03,560 Speaker 1: if I think about self esteem, I would tell my 436 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:09,320 Speaker 1: younger self that I don't have to be perfect, and 437 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:20,040 Speaker 1: that it's okay to have flaws, and that those flaws 438 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 1: can be beneficial to you, beneficial or inspirational to others. 439 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:29,439 Speaker 1: But not being perfect means that I'm embracing that I 440 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,000 Speaker 1: might struggle a little bit with networking, and I would 441 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:39,080 Speaker 1: push myself to be in those situations right, to embrace 442 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:45,960 Speaker 1: that I'm not perfect, to embrace and remember that other 443 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 1: people in that environment also might be experience in social 444 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 1: anxiety too, also might be just as terrified of networking 445 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,960 Speaker 1: as I am. But in order to build up my 446 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,959 Speaker 1: self esteem, I need to do it right. And I 447 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 1: need to get some wins and those winds come from 448 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 1: from networking. 449 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 3: The other thing I was telling my younger self is 450 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 3: it really to self esteem? Is it's okay to be 451 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,919 Speaker 3: weird and work me? I feel like ever since I 452 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 3: was younger. 453 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,800 Speaker 4: I I realize it now. 454 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,159 Speaker 3: I didn't realize at the moment that I always used 455 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,040 Speaker 3: to kind of march to the own drums. I would 456 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,600 Speaker 3: always into some weird just some weird shit that other 457 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:29,800 Speaker 3: people would be like, what are you doing? 458 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,600 Speaker 4: You know what I mean? So just embracing that. 459 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 3: I feel like nowadays I am more open to that, 460 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,240 Speaker 3: and I embraced. 461 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,080 Speaker 4: It and I walked in down the day here and listen. 462 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 3: But before I didn't really accept it as much, and 463 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,640 Speaker 3: that caused me to be inauthentic and sort of rob 464 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,200 Speaker 3: myself of opportunity to just. 465 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,159 Speaker 4: Be myself and connect with on a d level and 466 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,879 Speaker 4: be the real me instead of kind of portraying someone 467 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,080 Speaker 4: that I wasn't. And so I think that was like, 468 00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:58,720 Speaker 4: that was a key key, you know, for my younger self. 469 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, I would agree, I mean, and then I think 470 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,639 Speaker 1: the thing is to add on to that is to 471 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:14,160 Speaker 1: recognize that you're worthy, that that quirky girl who might 472 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 1: be into country music or who might be into I 473 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:26,040 Speaker 1: don't know. I can't think of anything right now, might 474 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:27,879 Speaker 1: I mean? For me, let me just think. Let me 475 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,439 Speaker 1: stop trying to think about what other people might be quirky, 476 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:36,200 Speaker 1: and think about myself, right right? I love to read. Yeah, 477 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,560 Speaker 1: so for me, my quirky self, like what made were 478 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,480 Speaker 1: what I thought made me quirky, But in reality, when 479 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 1: I step back and look at it, I love to read. 480 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,359 Speaker 1: I love to keep my nose in a book for me, 481 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:54,400 Speaker 1: embracing that piece and recognizing that I am worthy of 482 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:59,560 Speaker 1: being in whatever environment I show up in, and people 483 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,640 Speaker 1: who are really meant to be in my circle will 484 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:05,280 Speaker 1: accept that. 485 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,560 Speaker 3: All right, girls, So let's talk about womanhood. What would 486 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:11,479 Speaker 3: you tell yourself about womanhood? I know the first thing 487 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:12,240 Speaker 3: that comes to mind for. 488 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:16,639 Speaker 4: Me is it's okay to walk alone and be alone. 489 00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 3: I feel like I lived in a place where I 490 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,199 Speaker 3: always kind of wanted to be around people and be 491 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:26,680 Speaker 3: around noise, where it was music or you know, relationship 492 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,560 Speaker 3: or just keep say busy, and I can just learn 493 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 3: how to be. 494 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,000 Speaker 4: Alone and sort of be still is really. 495 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:37,280 Speaker 3: Important, and for me, it just allowed me to connect 496 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,920 Speaker 3: to the tea people myself, so that I can figure 497 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:41,800 Speaker 3: out how I went to show the world. 498 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,840 Speaker 4: As a woman, the black woman. 499 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think for me like that walking like 500 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,880 Speaker 1: what you said about that walking alone. What comes up 501 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 1: for me is this notion of walking alone is defining 502 00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,800 Speaker 1: woman for yourself, right, And so I with what I 503 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:04,880 Speaker 1: would tell my younger self is to define that shit 504 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 1: for yourself. Don't worry about what other people say you 505 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:16,480 Speaker 1: should be doing, don't worry about what society says is 506 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:19,160 Speaker 1: what a woman is supposed to be. 507 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 4: Right. 508 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 1: So we had an episode where we talked about deconstructing 509 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 1: the binary, right and so figuring out what womanhood means 510 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,480 Speaker 1: to me means that I don't have to necessarily fit 511 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:43,719 Speaker 1: into unspecific box about what femininity is. And if some 512 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 1: of the things that I do may be perceived as masculine, 513 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:54,280 Speaker 1: then okay, perceive it as masculine. But if it's something 514 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:58,720 Speaker 1: that works for me, if it's something that brings me happiness, 515 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:04,800 Speaker 1: then and I'm gonna do it. So if I'm pursuing 516 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:11,080 Speaker 1: that leadership position in a field that may be dominated 517 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:14,760 Speaker 1: or department that might be dominated by men, if I'm 518 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:19,400 Speaker 1: coming into the room and I'm taking the read. If 519 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,440 Speaker 1: that makes me masculine, then guess what I'm gonna be masculine. 520 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 3: It's your definition of womanhood. And that takes us into sexuality. 521 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,320 Speaker 1: Oh right, yes, what will we tell. 522 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:34,160 Speaker 3: Our younger selves about sexuality? And I feel like there's 523 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:37,920 Speaker 3: so much that we could dive into. But the first 524 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,080 Speaker 3: thing that comes to mind for me here when it 525 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 3: comes to sexuality is literally as the way it's okay 526 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,280 Speaker 3: to be sexual and visual. I feel like, for the 527 00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,160 Speaker 3: longest time going up as a. 528 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,920 Speaker 4: Woman, I remember at the men of my family. 529 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,960 Speaker 3: There was always a conversation about you know, sexual powers 530 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,800 Speaker 3: and then getting women and then men just doing their 531 00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:00,000 Speaker 3: thing different women. But as a boy, it's like, oh, no, 532 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 3: we're supposed to be good girls, be quiet. 533 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 4: And be sexual, you know what I mean, and be 534 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 4: chased and all that. And I actually be super judgmental 535 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,400 Speaker 4: of myself and other people, and I would shut. 536 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:15,360 Speaker 3: My own feelings and judge other people when they were 537 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 3: expressed them sexually because I was taught that you weren't 538 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,240 Speaker 3: supposed to. And I think the more I really involved, 539 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:25,200 Speaker 3: I realized that we are multitastive beings and it's okay 540 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,760 Speaker 3: for us to be the multi dimensional beings that we are, 541 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:33,960 Speaker 3: so we can be sophisticated, sexual, safetified, sensual, and spiritual 542 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,480 Speaker 3: at the same damn time. 543 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:36,720 Speaker 4: And that's okay. 544 00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,880 Speaker 1: It is okay. And I think that I think a 545 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: lot of that ties into patriarchy and this understanding, this 546 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:52,360 Speaker 1: notion or this expectation that sex is about what men want, right, 547 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: and so that it's okay for men to masturbate, it's 548 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:03,240 Speaker 1: okay for men to have multiple partners, and it's okay 549 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:07,560 Speaker 1: for men to do X, Y and Z. Right. It's 550 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 1: about what men want. And so for me, in terms 551 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:16,320 Speaker 1: of what I will tell my younger self about sexuality, 552 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: it would be one to masturbate and masturbate and do 553 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:29,120 Speaker 1: it in the sense of learning my body right, and 554 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:33,719 Speaker 1: learning my body in what pleases me, not what I 555 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:38,920 Speaker 1: can do to please a man, right. And I would 556 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 1: also tell my younger self to ask for what you 557 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,560 Speaker 1: need and what you want, because once you get into 558 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:49,200 Speaker 1: that space of knowing your body, then you're able to 559 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:53,680 Speaker 1: articulate what you need and what you want from a partner. 560 00:32:54,640 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 1: And so if you like to have sex every day, right, 561 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,160 Speaker 1: then you should be able to articulate that, and that 562 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:14,720 Speaker 1: shouldn't your womanhood, your femininity should not be questioned exactly exactly, 563 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: no matter what it is that you want, like you 564 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,880 Speaker 1: should be able to feel comfortable enough to ask for it. 565 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,800 Speaker 1: And for me being able if my younger self has 566 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,360 Speaker 1: been doing that, like and I think about like lots 567 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: of young people, if if our if if our younger 568 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,880 Speaker 1: selves were out there really advocating for what we wanted, 569 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:41,080 Speaker 1: like we would be patriarchy would be blown the hell up, 570 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:45,760 Speaker 1: Like it wouldn't, it wouldn't even really exist. 571 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:47,960 Speaker 3: And when you think about it, we want back to 572 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:53,160 Speaker 3: your worthy. You deserve to be pleasure said, like, you 573 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,880 Speaker 3: deserve to feel good, You deserve to have experiences that 574 00:33:57,040 --> 00:34:00,680 Speaker 3: you really want a need, and we ask for what 575 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,640 Speaker 3: we want. For one, we're not being honest with the 576 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:05,480 Speaker 3: person that we're with, so they think they're doing the 577 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 3: right thing. 578 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:07,760 Speaker 4: The whole time we're like. 579 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,560 Speaker 3: Miserable, like, oh my gosh, I wish they would do this, 580 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:12,440 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, But they're not listening because 581 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:14,440 Speaker 3: they don't know. And when I say anything, and it 582 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,480 Speaker 3: is tough to have the conversation sometime, especially if it's 583 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 3: sort of like mid relationship and you can do something 584 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:21,520 Speaker 3: a certain way. 585 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:22,960 Speaker 4: The whole time, and then one day you're like, you 586 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,480 Speaker 4: know what, this is what I want? But it is 587 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,000 Speaker 4: we are evolving, the beings, and so it's okay to 588 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:29,960 Speaker 4: change your mind. It's okay to. 589 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:33,240 Speaker 3: Want something different, and it's okay to advocate for yourself. 590 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:34,799 Speaker 3: And it's so so important to do that. 591 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: I think that biggest, the biggest piece out of all 592 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:44,600 Speaker 1: of that is to recognize that you were worthy, like 593 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:49,439 Speaker 1: you said, to trust your gut and to in all 594 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:53,040 Speaker 1: facets ask for what you want and what you need. 595 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:58,839 Speaker 1: So whether it's on your job and you're like, okay, wait, 596 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:02,560 Speaker 1: hold on, I think that I'm doing a good job here, 597 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,759 Speaker 1: I think I need it. I think I'm deserving of 598 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:10,040 Speaker 1: a promotion and a race. Don't be afraid to ask 599 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:16,000 Speaker 1: for that right now. You may get told no, but 600 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:20,360 Speaker 1: you don't know unless you ask. What's that phrase? Closed 601 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 1: mouths don't get fed, That's right. And so no matter 602 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:30,120 Speaker 1: what it is that we're looking for, if we don't 603 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:35,120 Speaker 1: ask for it, we will never get it exactly. 604 00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:39,600 Speaker 3: And even though we tell our number selves all these 605 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:43,720 Speaker 3: ticks and what nuggets, what we really want to when. 606 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:45,480 Speaker 4: You think about it, if we are to go back 607 00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,279 Speaker 4: in time and school our younger selves and here are 608 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 4: younger self. The game really be who we are today 609 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,279 Speaker 4: when we have evolved to the women that have learned 610 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:54,640 Speaker 4: the lessons that we've learned today. 611 00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 3: Right, And so it's sometimes actually think about what we 612 00:35:57,719 --> 00:36:00,160 Speaker 3: go back in and tell our younger selves, but can 613 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,600 Speaker 3: also reframe it as what if I learned since that time? Right, 614 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,680 Speaker 3: Because sometimes this conversation can make people feel bad about 615 00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 3: where they are, a like, so oh, a damn. 616 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:09,640 Speaker 4: If I would have known this when I was younger, 617 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:11,600 Speaker 4: I wouldn't have went to X, Y and Z. But 618 00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:12,560 Speaker 4: maybe you need to X. 619 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:14,080 Speaker 3: Y and Z to show up in the world the 620 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:17,759 Speaker 3: more compassionate and empathetic thing, Right. I look at my 621 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,240 Speaker 3: life some times to think about the university of that experience, 622 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:21,360 Speaker 3: and yeah, it was hard. 623 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:22,839 Speaker 4: That's the one to give up. 624 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 3: But I'm so grateful for every traumatic experience because it 625 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:27,360 Speaker 3: really allows. 626 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,480 Speaker 4: Me to be a person I am. But I couldn't 627 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,480 Speaker 4: buy this compassion I had on a story at Walmart. 628 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,920 Speaker 4: I couldn't learn this empathy at Harvard University, you know 629 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 4: what I mean? Like you, there's certain gifts that I 630 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 4: have now that I'm able to use in the world 631 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:43,719 Speaker 4: if I work that I only gained from not knowing 632 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:45,640 Speaker 4: where I am now, And so it really is the 633 00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:47,879 Speaker 4: beauty and the journey. It's never too late to do 634 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:49,400 Speaker 4: things that we wanted to do. 635 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:51,200 Speaker 3: Like we said we wanted to learn Spanish, we can 636 00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,080 Speaker 3: go learn these language. It's never too late to do 637 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,440 Speaker 3: those things that we know. And now that we do 638 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:57,360 Speaker 3: know these things, what are we going to do with 639 00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,800 Speaker 3: our eyes? How are we going to show up in 640 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:02,080 Speaker 3: the world? What we wish you would have done that? 641 00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:06,440 Speaker 1: Ooh, I couldn't have said it better. I could not 642 00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:10,120 Speaker 1: have said it better. And so we want to thank 643 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:14,359 Speaker 1: you lady for hanging with us today and hearing from 644 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,960 Speaker 1: us like what we would tell our younger selves, and 645 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,200 Speaker 1: some of what we would tell our younger selves is 646 00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,200 Speaker 1: maybe what we would tell other younger people. I want 647 00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:26,320 Speaker 1: you to if this really resonated with you, I want 648 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:30,799 Speaker 1: you to go to the her Space sanctuary and let 649 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,080 Speaker 1: us know, like, let's have a discussion about what you 650 00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:38,560 Speaker 1: would tell your younger self or better yet, what lessons 651 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:42,960 Speaker 1: have you learned that you are applying in your life today. 652 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:48,680 Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note 653 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:52,719 Speaker 1: that our show may contain conversations about self health, advice, 654 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,279 Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 655 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,400 Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 656 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:03,279 Speaker 1: relationship if with a trained mental health provider. If you 657 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,280 Speaker 1: or someone you know is in need of mental health care, 658 00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:10,560 Speaker 1: please visit the THERA People Like Girls directory Psychology Today 659 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,240 Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider. 660 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,520 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 661 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:21,319 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 662 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:27,359 Speaker 2: Twitter at herspace podcast or check out our website at 663 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:32,600 Speaker 2: herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat after me, 664 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:37,880 Speaker 2: I release what no longer serves me to manifest what 665 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:39,320 Speaker 2: I desire. 666 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,440 Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week, lady