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Speaker 1: Pushkin the Happiness Lab. Listeners today, you're in for a

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Speaker 1: special treat. If you're a regular listener of this podcast,

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Speaker 1: you've probably already gotten a chance to hear from my

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Speaker 1: good friend, the psychologist Ethan Cross. In fact, Ethan just

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Speaker 1: visited the show as part of our recent how To season,

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Speaker 1: where he gave us his top tips for hacking negative emotions.

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Speaker 1: Lots of these ideas come from his new book Shift,

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Speaker 1: Managing Your Emotions so they don't manage you. But in

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Speaker 1: that interview we only got to scratch the surface of

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Speaker 1: the cool work that Ethan does in his Emotion and

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Speaker 1: Self Control Lab at the University of Michigan. So to

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Speaker 1: mark the publication of his new book, Ethan asked me

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Speaker 1: to join him on stage for a live recording of

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Speaker 1: this podcast at Choate Rosemary Hall, an independent school not

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Speaker 1: too far from my hometown in New Haven, Connecticut. In

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Speaker 1: front of an audience of teen students, Ethan and I

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Speaker 1: got to chat not about hacking our emotions, but about

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Speaker 1: the effect that other people can have on our feelings

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Speaker 1: and the big effects we can have on other people too.

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Speaker 1: I definitely learned a lot from this conversation, and I

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Speaker 1: think you will too. Welcome to the Happiness Lab Live

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Speaker 1: where we are coming in from Rosemary Hall. We have

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Speaker 1: a fantastic audience of folks here for a really fun

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Speaker 1: conversation with one of my favorite psychologists, Ethan cross.

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Speaker 2: So.

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Speaker 1: Ethan is a professor at the University of Michigan, both

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Speaker 1: in the Psychology Department and at the Roth School of Business.

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Speaker 1: He's the director of the Emotion and Self Control Lab.

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Speaker 1: He's an expert on strategies we can use to control

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Speaker 1: our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. As you might guess with

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Speaker 1: an expertise the school, Ethan's a sought after consultant and speaker.

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Speaker 1: He's worked with famous CEOs, professional basketball teams, and has

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Speaker 1: even been hosted at the White House, all to help

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Speaker 1: leaders and folks who need it regulate their feelings and emotions.

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Speaker 1: Ethan is the author of the national and international best

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Speaker 1: selling book Chatter, The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters,

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Speaker 1: and How to Harness It. This book was chosen as

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Speaker 1: one of the best new books of twenty twenty one

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Speaker 1: by Washington BOSTHS, CNN, and USA Today. But he's just

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Speaker 1: written a fabulous new book. I'm so exciting. We're here

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Speaker 1: on launch day today a fabulous new book entitled Shift

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Speaker 1: Managing Your Emotions so they don't manage You. Ethan is

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Speaker 1: already a regular on the Happiness Lab and I'm super

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Speaker 1: psyched that he's agreed to help me out with this

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Speaker 1: live episode today because we're going to be exploring an

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Speaker 1: important topic, how we can harness the people around us

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Speaker 1: to feel happier. Please join me and welcoming to the

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Speaker 1: Happiness Lab Live even talks all right, Ethan, So today

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Speaker 1: we're talking about a bit of a paradox when it

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Speaker 1: comes to our happiness and our emotions. You and I

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Speaker 1: talk a lot about things we can do to be happier,

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Speaker 1: and one of the biggest piece of advices that we

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Speaker 1: often give is just that we can use other people

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Speaker 1: to improve our happiness. Social connection is such a huge

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Speaker 1: predictor of the way we feel. Often a thing that

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Speaker 1: we can do to make ourselves feel good. But if

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Speaker 1: we're paraphrasing Jean Paul sart hell is, other people like

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Speaker 1: other people can also be a little bit of a

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Speaker 1: pain in the butt. As an expert in emotion, can

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Speaker 1: you resonate with this like completely?

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Speaker 2: You know, other people can be our greatest ally or

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Speaker 2: our worst enemy when it comes to managing our emotional lives.

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Speaker 2: And what's really interesting to me about this issue is

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Speaker 2: we don't get a user's guide for how to steer

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Speaker 2: our interactions with other people. So I'm curious, and I

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Speaker 2: think the rules here are no hands. But if you

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Speaker 2: agree with something, clap? How many people here sometimes go

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Speaker 2: to someone else to chat about a problem and find

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Speaker 2: that it just makes you feel worse? Often not our intention,

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Speaker 2: but sometimes this happens with people we really care about.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes it's our loved ones. I often joke, but mem

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Speaker 2: is quite sick. Seriously, there are many people in my

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Speaker 2: life that I am exceptionally close to. DNA determines those

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Speaker 2: close connections, if you know what I mean. I don't

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Speaker 2: talk to them about problems because I know that when

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Speaker 2: I do, it's just going to take me down the

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Speaker 2: wrong path. And so I think it is critically important

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Speaker 2: to understand how to harness your relationships with other people

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Speaker 2: and also the way you interact with others to make

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Speaker 2: sure those interactions contribute to fulfillment, happiness, and so forth,

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Speaker 2: rather than push you in the opposite direction.

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Speaker 1: So let's take a deeper look at some spots where

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Speaker 1: we get it wrong. One of the pieces of psychology

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Speaker 1: that I think is really relevant here is some work

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Speaker 1: on what's called emotional contagion, what's emotional contigion, and why

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Speaker 1: can it kind of take us off track when we're

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Speaker 1: dealing with other people.

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Speaker 2: So we are a social species. We are constantly looking

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Speaker 2: to other people for how to understand ourselves. And what

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Speaker 2: we have learned is that we actually catch feelings from

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Speaker 2: other people quite eas So when you enter a room

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Speaker 2: and you see people with a glum look on their face,

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Speaker 2: sadly as professors, I think this may happen more often

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Speaker 2: where they'd like to admit. Right, you go into the

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Speaker 2: room and you see everyone, This immediately gives me information

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Speaker 2: about what the temperature in the room is like, and

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Speaker 2: I experience that emotion and that could be adaptive. Right,

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Speaker 2: It signals to me, maybe I've got to loosen things up.

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Speaker 2: But we know that emotions cause what we call a

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Speaker 2: ripple effect. They very quickly cascade into our own lives.

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Speaker 2: And if you're not aware of this, like, you can

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Speaker 2: catch the wrong set of feelings. And so we're all

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Speaker 2: all vulnerable to this, for better or worse.

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Speaker 1: And I think one of the ways that I've seen

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Speaker 1: this play out. Is that it's not just a like

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Speaker 1: what on one contagion. It's not just like I might

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Speaker 1: catch the emotions that you have, or I might catch

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Speaker 1: the emotions from the audience, but then we tend to

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Speaker 1: kind of transmit that to other situations, to almost like

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Speaker 1: a virus. Right, So, say I have a conversation Ethan.

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Speaker 1: This never happened with Ethan because obviously Ethan's a very

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Speaker 1: happy person who's never gone. But let's say I have

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Speaker 1: a conversation with Ethan. He's feeling really frustrated, he's feeling

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Speaker 1: really down. I leave that conversation, and then I go

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Speaker 1: teach my class, and then I transmit that to my class,

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Speaker 1: or I go on social media and I post something

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Speaker 1: that's kind of frustrated and gloom or angry, like you

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Speaker 1: can see what researcher Sigall Barsai calls these affective spirals,

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Speaker 1: where it's like not just like one person catches one

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Speaker 1: person's emotion, but it's kind of a spiral that I

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Speaker 1: can almost transmit to a community. So it sounds like

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Speaker 1: this can be really bad when it comes to the

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Speaker 1: sort of emotions that are kind of naturally free floating around.

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Speaker 1: If we're dealing with negative emotion.

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Speaker 2: Well, with negative emotions, it can certainly be the case.

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Speaker 2: And I think that's particularly true with social media, where

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Speaker 2: we see the viral spread of negative emotions happening really

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Speaker 2: really fast. You come across news and it affects you. You

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Speaker 2: see someone else displaying a negative reaction, you feel it

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Speaker 2: as well, and then you quickly pass it on to

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Speaker 2: someone else on the feed, and then it just it

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Speaker 2: just cascades further and further and further. And so this

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Speaker 2: is where I think knowledge is power. So knowing about

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Speaker 2: how this works, I think for me and my experience

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Speaker 2: as a human being is very powerful. So if I

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Speaker 2: enter a room and I see one or two people are,

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Speaker 2: you know, conveying facial expressions that I don't particularly think

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Speaker 2: are conducive to the kinds of interactions I want to have,

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Speaker 2: I'll try to loosen those people up and try to

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Speaker 2: turn the you know, frown around.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's important to this idea of knowledge

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Speaker 1: is power. I think in part when we're often in

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Speaker 1: these social situations where around other people, it can be

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Speaker 1: important to remember how affected we are by them, right.

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Speaker 1: I think about this a lot in like workplace settings, right,

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Speaker 1: where like you go to work and like the people

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Speaker 1: on your team might be kind of feeling optimistic or

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Speaker 1: they might be feeling not so happy, and like you're

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Speaker 1: going to catch that. But here we are at Chote today,

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Speaker 1: I think this is so important in school context, right,

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Speaker 1: whether it's like on your athletic team, whether it's in

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Speaker 1: your classroom, Like, the emotions of one person are going

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Speaker 1: to kind of transmit in this way that can be

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Speaker 1: again sort of dangerous if they're negative emotions that we're

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Speaker 1: dealing with.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, how many people here have been told don't compare

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Speaker 2: yourselves to other people. So it sounds beautiful that piece

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Speaker 2: of advice, but easier bleeping said than done, right, Like

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Speaker 2: is that easy to do? Just stop comparing yourself to

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Speaker 2: other people. So talking about the way that other people

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Speaker 2: can affect us, I'm reminded of the time that my

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Speaker 2: daughter asked my daughter, who's you know in high school?

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Speaker 2: Wanted more screen time one night and was like really

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Speaker 2: really supreme court level like litigation here arguing for more

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Speaker 2: screen time. I was like, no, you know, and I said, well, no,

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Speaker 2: other families give their kids more screen time. And then

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Speaker 2: she comes back and goes, I thought you said, we

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Speaker 2: don't compare ourselves to other people? Was pretty slick, huh.

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Speaker 2: I mean I was proud inside, but I did not

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Speaker 2: show it. I regulated that emotion and I just held true.

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Speaker 2: But what I realized in that moment was that that

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Speaker 2: directive I gave, we don't compare selves to other people,

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Speaker 2: probably the worst advice I could ever give, because it

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Speaker 2: is not possible not to reference other people. We are

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Speaker 2: constantly looking to others to make sense of who we are. Right.

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Speaker 2: This is called social comparisons. That's how we operate, and

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Speaker 2: I think the more we embrace that, the better, because

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Speaker 2: then there's an opportunity to make social comparisons wiser, right,

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Speaker 2: to steer those comparisons so that they don't maybe negatively

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Speaker 2: affect us. There's also the opportunity to benefit from this

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Speaker 2: emotional contagion effect. Right Like earlier on when everyone else

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Speaker 2: was clapping, did that feel good to folks here? I

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Speaker 2: felt great? I loved it. I remember I was telling

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Speaker 2: Laurie the story earlier. When I was in college, one

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Speaker 2: of the most memorable classes I ever took was a

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Speaker 2: class on communications, and the instructor said, there is an

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Speaker 2: art to being a good audience member. I'm scanning you

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Speaker 2: all right now to see who's going to get an

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Speaker 2: A versus an F. A couple of f's here, right.

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Speaker 2: So the art to being a good audience member involves

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Speaker 2: a gentle kind of raising your cheap bone, smiling, not

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Speaker 2: your good I love it, keep going.

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Speaker 1: And pointing at once. Today it was like really kind

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Speaker 1: of kindly smiling and looking.

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Speaker 2: At I mean, it's fine to do that. In your head,

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Speaker 2: you could say this is terrible. Yeah, I can't wait

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Speaker 2: to go back to what I'm doing. It doesn't matter

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Speaker 2: for us up here, because we're catching these signals from you.

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Speaker 2: You're conveying information to us, and so you can use that.

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Speaker 2: If you know how this works, you can use it

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Speaker 2: to your benefit to make other people feel better or

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Speaker 2: not right. And so that's where the knowledge is power

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Speaker 2: for how I think all this works. And we'll talk

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Speaker 2: more about social comparison, I'm sure, but yeah, well.

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Speaker 1: Let's come into it now, because I think you know,

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Speaker 1: we were just talking about. Emotional contagion is one way

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Speaker 1: that we catch other people's emotions in person and also online.

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Speaker 1: As you mentioned, I think especially online, but also in person.

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Speaker 1: Another way that other people negatively affect our emotions is

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Speaker 1: through social comparison, and that can feels regularly frustrating because

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Speaker 1: sometimes even in a situation where you feel like you're

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Speaker 1: like objectively kind of doing okay, if you see somebody

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Speaker 1: doing better than you, it can make you feel kind

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Speaker 1: of crappy, whether that's oh, they had a better vacation

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Speaker 1: than me, or you know, again here we're in high school.

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Speaker 1: They're getting better grades than me, they'd perform better than me,

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Speaker 1: they're doing better at work, making more money. You know,

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Speaker 1: for folks in the adult world, it seems like all

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Speaker 1: of it makes you feel kind of bad about yourself.

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Speaker 2: And it's always possible to find someone who's outperforming you.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it's remarkable we can always find that person sometimes.

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Speaker 2: I mean, a lot of people describe the experience of

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Speaker 2: being on social media, A lot of people here on

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Speaker 2: social media, I get. So anyone ever feel like when

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Speaker 2: you're on on Instagram or whatever platforms you're on that

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Speaker 2: it's kind of like navigating landlines, like you're going through it.

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Speaker 2: You're feeling good, you're seeing the funny movie great, great, great,

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Speaker 2: and then you catch something that, oh, crap, I suck,

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Speaker 2: Like does anyone ever have that experience? Just me yes,

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Speaker 2: So you go and know when it's going to happen.

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Speaker 2: And we do know from lots of research that most

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Speaker 2: of the social comparisons we make, and we are doing

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Speaker 2: these comparisons all the time, do tend to push us

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Speaker 2: in the negative direction. So we make comparisons against people

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Speaker 2: who a outperforming us in some way, we don't feel

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Speaker 2: great about our lives. You can actually reframe those comparisons

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Speaker 2: to your benefit. And up until I knew about the

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Speaker 2: science here, I was just a victim of these comparisons.

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Speaker 2: I feel kind of glum, you know. I go lay

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Speaker 2: on the couch, maybe put some washcloth on my head. Oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm such a failure having lived up to my blah

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Speaker 2: blah blah.

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Speaker 1: That was a joke. Cook, he's trying to make it.

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Speaker 2: The Yeah, we won't even try that one again because

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Speaker 2: that was just stre I like this where you could

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Speaker 2: just edit it.

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Speaker 1: We just edit it up. If the joke doesn't work

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Speaker 1: in there, this is good.

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Speaker 2: So here's what you do. You can flip it. So

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Speaker 2: now when I come across that situation, I think, Wow,

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Speaker 2: they achieved this, so can I. And now it's not

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Speaker 2: competition now, it's this is information that I can use

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Speaker 2: to try to aspire to reach that goal. That's a

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Speaker 2: little little reframe we call it. That is powerful because

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Speaker 2: it neutralizes that negative social comparison is, which is inevitable.

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Speaker 2: And now that I know how to do it, and

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Speaker 2: you know, this was a big reason for writing this book,

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Speaker 2: is if you have the tools to push your emotions around,

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Speaker 2: it becomes really easy to do it. It doesn't have

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Speaker 2: to be super complicated. You can also do it in

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Speaker 2: the negative direction. You come across someone who is doing

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Speaker 2: a lot worse than you, and maybe you think yourself,

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Speaker 2: oh my god, what if this happens to me? Right?

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Speaker 2: That makes people really anxious. Sometimes rather than thinking about

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Speaker 2: making a comparison and feeling that way, you could flip it. Wow,

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Speaker 2: I'm so grateful this hasn't happened to me. Simple switch

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Speaker 2: puts you in a totally different direction. Do you ever

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Speaker 2: do this when you make social comparisons, like tell the world,

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Speaker 2: lurie you make you have be silent on you making

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Speaker 2: the comparisons. It's been just about me so far?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so. This is one of the one

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Speaker 1: of the studies I teach in my class is just

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Speaker 1: like so profound at how not only how bad social

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Speaker 1: comparison makes us feel, but how much like sometimes when

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Speaker 1: we're socially comparing, we just like don't have any justification

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Speaker 1: for it at all. And it's a study that happened,

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Speaker 1: a very famous study with in sports researchers went and

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Speaker 1: they looked at olympians who were on the stand. So

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Speaker 1: these are people who won gold, silver, and bronze medals

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Speaker 1: at the Olympics standing on the stand, and what they

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Speaker 1: did was they videotape their facial expressions to see who

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Speaker 1: was kind of who was feeling which emotions right, and

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Speaker 1: so first the gold medalist, what are they feeling? Well,

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Speaker 1: they're feeling like happy, elated, they're smiling. It's fine, right,

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Speaker 1: they're best in the world. Right now we cut to

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Speaker 1: this silver medallist. What are they feeling? There's second best

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Speaker 1: in the world, like literally better in whatever their sport

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Speaker 1: is than billions of other people. What emotions are they

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Speaker 1: experiencing If you analyze their facial expressions, it's not happiness.

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Speaker 1: It's emotions like contempt, deep sadness, grief. Like they're not

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Speaker 1: even in the positive camp anymore. They're just experiencing only

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Speaker 1: negative emotions. Why there's a really obvious social comparison there

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Speaker 1: when you won the silver medal, you really almost got gold,

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Speaker 1: but you didn't get it. So what are you feeling.

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Speaker 1: You're not feeling like, you know, slightly less happy than

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Speaker 1: the best in the world, even though you are the

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Speaker 1: second best in the world. You're feeling awful, right, But

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Speaker 1: the reason I like this study is that it also

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Speaker 1: points to a way that we can do better because

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Speaker 1: those researchers also measure the emotions of the bronze medalist,

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Speaker 1: the person who did third. Right now, you might think,

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Speaker 1: what the silver medallist is feeling really terrible and contemptuous

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Speaker 1: and experiencing grief, then the bronze medalist is going to

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Speaker 1: be doing even worse, like they're going to be totally miserable.

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Speaker 1: Right turns out not so. The bronze medalist is showing

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Speaker 1: incredible elation, huge smiles, sometimes even huger smiles than the

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Speaker 1: gold medalist, which is weird. So you ask the question,

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Speaker 1: what's going on, Well, what's going on again is social comparison?

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Speaker 1: Who's the bronze medalist comparing himself against too not gold?

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Speaker 1: Because that was like several seconds or several points or

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Speaker 1: whatever away the bronze medalist is saying, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: you know, if I was just a little bit slower,

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Speaker 1: if I perform a little bit worse, I wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: getting any metal at all. Like I would just be

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Speaker 1: clapping from the back of the stands going home empty handed.

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Speaker 1: I feel awesome. The bronze medalist comparison makes him feel good.

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Speaker 1: And this is why always joke with my students that

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Speaker 1: when you're trying to fight social comparison, you shouldn't look

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Speaker 1: for the silver lining, because the silver maid you usually

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Speaker 1: look for the bronze lining. I want to go almost

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Speaker 1: like it was a good joke, thank you.

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Speaker 2: But but Laurie, like the way you just described it

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Speaker 2: so completely read with that route to harnessing social comparisons.

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Speaker 2: But when you describe the silver metallist as, hey, you

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Speaker 2: are number two out of seven.

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Speaker 1: Billion people on the planet right now.

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Speaker 2: That's a reframe too that the silver medallist can use

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Speaker 2: that is really powerful. And if there's one big picture

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Speaker 2: lesson that I would love all of you to take

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Speaker 2: away from this conversation with us about managing your emotions,

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Speaker 2: it is that you can be proactive in how to

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Speaker 2: do it. Oftentimes we just stumble into emotional reactions. We

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Speaker 2: make the comparison, it leads us in a particular direction,

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Speaker 2: and then we just kind of ride it out until

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Speaker 2: it peters out. But you could get in there strategically

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Speaker 2: doing the kinds of things that Laurie and I are

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Speaker 2: talking about to nip those reactions in the bud, or

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Speaker 2: extend them, or lengthen them and increase their intensity, whatever

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Speaker 2: you want to do, if you understand the specific tactics

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Speaker 2: that exist.

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Speaker 1: And so when we get back from the break, we're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about some tactics we can use to

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Speaker 1: deal with not just the way other people affect our emotions,

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Speaker 1: but the way other people affect our behavior. The Happiness

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Speaker 1: Lab that we'll do what All Right, we're coming back

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Speaker 1: from the BAK the Happiness.

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Speaker 2: Lab and Show grows all live.

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Speaker 1: It is returning. Okay, So before the break, we were

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Speaker 1: talking about ways that other people affect our emotions. Now

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Speaker 1: I want to get into ways that other people affect

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Speaker 1: our behavior what we're actually doing. And there's a long

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Speaker 1: history of this in the field of psychology.

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Speaker 2: Right, other people are in a position to push us

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Speaker 2: around in all sorts of ways. They can affect the

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Speaker 2: way we think they can affect the way we feel,

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Speaker 2: they can affect the way we behave Okay, so just

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Speaker 2: just look at Laurie and I right now. Anyone noticed

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Speaker 2: something similar, Like, they're all different ways we could have

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Speaker 2: chosen to sit Like I could have done this. I

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Speaker 2: was going to do a lotus position yoga. I can't

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Speaker 2: actually do it, but like a lot I could. I could.

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Speaker 2: I could be like.

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Speaker 1: This, put your hands or popped over.

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Speaker 2: I could, you know, But we're like this, we're mimicking.

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Speaker 1: Cross knees, both looking exactly right and.

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Speaker 2: Kind of upright. So there is this chameleon effect where

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Speaker 2: if you are in the presence of someone in particular

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Speaker 2: at your level or above someone you admire, you tend

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Speaker 2: to automatically mimic their behavior. So if you've ever been

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Speaker 2: in an interaction where someone starts doing this, you cross

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Speaker 2: your hands, and then the person next to you crosses

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Speaker 2: your hands. Anyone ever like witnessed this kind of mimicking

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Speaker 2: that occurs. This is endemic to how we function, and

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Speaker 2: interestingly enough, it can improve rapport between people because there's

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Speaker 2: this matching between us.

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Speaker 1: In fact, thing they often tell you to do if

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Speaker 1: you want to become friends with somebody. Get to know people,

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Speaker 1: let somebody else know that you're listening to them, is

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Speaker 1: to what's called mirror their behavior, So not like perfectly

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Speaker 1: copy it, but kind of do it. Turns out this

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Speaker 1: is actually a podcast or technique. When you're doing it

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Speaker 1: lives for me.

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Speaker 2: To copy your actions.

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Speaker 1: So you make you feel like I have you been doing?

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Speaker 2: I feel very welcome, presents, warm cup of tea.

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Speaker 1: But what are some of the consequences of this? It

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Speaker 1: means that, like naturally, without realizing it, we're like soaking

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Speaker 1: in the behaviors of others and copying.

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Speaker 2: In it other people. Look, the world is messy, the

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Speaker 2: world is unpredictable. We are constantly as human beings striving

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Speaker 2: to make sense of how to optimally navigate this world. You,

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Speaker 2: as someone who I can trust, someone I admire, you're

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Speaker 2: giving me all sorts of information. So I'm taking that

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Speaker 2: in and I'm using it to guide my own behavior

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Speaker 2: unconsciously because I could count on you. Now, if it's

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Speaker 2: someone else who I don't know and I don't trust,

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to mimic them as much. Now, you

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Speaker 2: can have fun with this effect if you want, Like

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Speaker 2: you might be talking to someone and you could push

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Speaker 2: its limits, you know, like Laurie does this when she

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Speaker 2: interviews new graduate students. I'm just joking about that's going

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Speaker 2: to be an added But but you could you can

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Speaker 2: do a little bit of experimenting to see how this

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Speaker 2: actually operates. It is a powerful, powerful phenomenon. And if

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Speaker 2: you see someone mimicking you, I think it's a sign

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Speaker 2: of a flattery, like they actually hold you at some

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Speaker 2: level of esteem. Now, if you're not mimicking, don't take

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Speaker 2: that the wrong way. If you're not being mimicked, right,

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Speaker 2: you could reframe it.

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Speaker 1: So, but that's kind of the behavioral copying we do

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Speaker 1: just kind of unconsciously sometimes when we see other people's behavior,

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Speaker 1: it affects the way we think about things and reason

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Speaker 1: about things. This is a phenomenon that's often been called

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Speaker 1: social benchmarking.

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Speaker 2: What's that. This is the this wonderful study where I

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Speaker 2: don't think you could actually do this nowadays in the lab.

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Speaker 2: This was done maybe sixty years ago, this study, and

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Speaker 2: participants came into the lab and they were actually injected

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Speaker 2: with adrenaline, but they didn't actually know it was adrenaline.

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Speaker 2: I think they were told it was vitamins or something

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Speaker 2: to that effect, and so they've got these kinds of

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Speaker 2: arousal symptoms. Right, they're like energized physiologically. They don't quite

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Speaker 2: know where this energization is that a word. We're gonna

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Speaker 2: run with it. It sounds okay, okay, energization is coming from.

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Speaker 2: It's definitely not a word that energized feeling. They don't

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Speaker 2: know where it's coming from. And what the experimenters do.

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Speaker 2: In one condition, they have this actor come into the

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Speaker 2: room and he acts like you fork like she's just

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Speaker 2: super super happy. And in another condition, have an actor

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Speaker 2: come in and he's really angry. And what the experimenters

431
00:23:13,916 --> 00:23:18,356
Speaker 2: want to see is does the subject who's been shot

432
00:23:18,436 --> 00:23:21,716
Speaker 2: up with this adrenaline does the behavior of the other

433
00:23:21,836 --> 00:23:24,876
Speaker 2: person change the way that they behave Right, So you've

434
00:23:24,876 --> 00:23:26,316
Speaker 2: got all this feelings, but you're not sure how to

435
00:23:26,356 --> 00:23:28,036
Speaker 2: make sense of it. And so what they end up

436
00:23:28,036 --> 00:23:30,716
Speaker 2: finding is that when you're in the presence of someone

437
00:23:30,916 --> 00:23:34,356
Speaker 2: acting really angry, you start acting more angry as well.

438
00:23:34,716 --> 00:23:36,836
Speaker 2: If you're in the presence of someone who is acting

439
00:23:36,876 --> 00:23:41,316
Speaker 2: you for, you kind of start behaving happier too. So

440
00:23:41,596 --> 00:23:46,316
Speaker 2: it's another example of how other people have a potential

441
00:23:46,356 --> 00:23:50,356
Speaker 2: to powerfully shape the way we ourselves respond and in

442
00:23:50,356 --> 00:23:54,916
Speaker 2: this case, behave. And that is particularly true when you

443
00:23:54,956 --> 00:23:57,996
Speaker 2: are not sure of how to behave, or you are

444
00:23:58,036 --> 00:24:01,036
Speaker 2: not sure how to make sense of what is going

445
00:24:01,036 --> 00:24:01,716
Speaker 2: on inside you.

446
00:24:02,076 --> 00:24:04,356
Speaker 1: And I think that particularly fits with this study, right,

447
00:24:04,396 --> 00:24:06,916
Speaker 1: you know, these subjects are shot up with this chemical

448
00:24:07,076 --> 00:24:08,516
Speaker 1: like they thought they took a vitamin, and now all

449
00:24:08,516 --> 00:24:11,796
Speaker 1: of a sudden they're feeling like this sense of energy,

450
00:24:11,916 --> 00:24:14,036
Speaker 1: like they don't know what's going on, and so they

451
00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:15,756
Speaker 1: look to this other person to be like, oh, we're

452
00:24:15,796 --> 00:24:17,796
Speaker 1: angry now, we're angry at the experiment. Oh we're you

453
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:20,796
Speaker 1: for it. But and that happened in this weird, strange,

454
00:24:20,916 --> 00:24:24,236
Speaker 1: you know, possibly an ethical now experiment, But this happens

455
00:24:24,596 --> 00:24:26,916
Speaker 1: all the time when we have an experience that we're

456
00:24:26,996 --> 00:24:28,556
Speaker 1: kind of not sure how to make sense of, and

457
00:24:28,556 --> 00:24:29,676
Speaker 1: we have to look to other people.

458
00:24:30,316 --> 00:24:33,516
Speaker 2: So this reminds me of a story with my oldest

459
00:24:33,556 --> 00:24:38,436
Speaker 2: daughter and a couple of years ago, she transitioned to

460
00:24:38,516 --> 00:24:42,396
Speaker 2: a new school. It was a lot more demanding academically

461
00:24:42,436 --> 00:24:44,476
Speaker 2: than the school she was in before. And I go

462
00:24:44,596 --> 00:24:47,396
Speaker 2: up into her bedroom one night and I noticed she

463
00:24:47,516 --> 00:24:52,316
Speaker 2: is she's physically distressed and she's really getting worked up.

464
00:24:52,356 --> 00:24:55,436
Speaker 2: She seems very very anxious in a way I've never

465
00:24:55,516 --> 00:25:00,156
Speaker 2: seen her experienced that emotion before. I go, Sweetie, what's

466
00:25:00,196 --> 00:25:04,196
Speaker 2: going on, what's wrong? And she goes she's like breathing

467
00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:06,196
Speaker 2: heavy and like, I don't know what's happening, Like I'm

468
00:25:06,196 --> 00:25:09,436
Speaker 2: feeling these things in my stomach and what's going on on?

469
00:25:09,836 --> 00:25:13,196
Speaker 2: And so then that's my opportunity to get in there

470
00:25:14,116 --> 00:25:19,676
Speaker 2: and help her interpret this uncertainessy sweety, that's your body

471
00:25:19,756 --> 00:25:22,916
Speaker 2: doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing right now.

472
00:25:22,956 --> 00:25:27,316
Speaker 2: You've got a really important test tomorrow, and you're experiencing

473
00:25:27,356 --> 00:25:29,476
Speaker 2: this response that's saying, hey, you need to do a

474
00:25:29,476 --> 00:25:31,876
Speaker 2: little bit more studying before you go to bed. That's it.

475
00:25:31,956 --> 00:25:35,756
Speaker 2: You're actually lucky, you're fortunate you're experiencing this because it's

476
00:25:35,796 --> 00:25:39,396
Speaker 2: like a little internal queue telling you to prepare. And

477
00:25:39,476 --> 00:25:46,156
Speaker 2: the moment I gave her that interpretation, her entire demeanor changed, right,

478
00:25:46,516 --> 00:25:49,556
Speaker 2: the anxiety went way down, and she got into studying.

479
00:25:49,556 --> 00:25:53,156
Speaker 2: So what I've done there is I reframed the experience

480
00:25:53,196 --> 00:25:56,236
Speaker 2: for her. I reframed her bodily reaction. This is taking

481
00:25:56,236 --> 00:26:00,196
Speaker 2: a page straight out of research where you tell people

482
00:26:00,196 --> 00:26:04,236
Speaker 2: to either make sense of their physiological symptoms of anxiety,

483
00:26:04,356 --> 00:26:07,516
Speaker 2: either as a threat, oh my god, something may be wrong,

484
00:26:07,636 --> 00:26:10,556
Speaker 2: versus a challenge like this is your body rising to

485
00:26:10,596 --> 00:26:15,756
Speaker 2: the occasion and it worked like clockwork. And so that

486
00:26:15,916 --> 00:26:20,436
Speaker 2: is one powerful potential that other people have for us.

487
00:26:20,596 --> 00:26:24,276
Speaker 2: Other people are often in a position to help us

488
00:26:24,316 --> 00:26:27,836
Speaker 2: reframe our circumstances in ways that can really put us

489
00:26:27,876 --> 00:26:29,476
Speaker 2: on the right trajectory.

490
00:26:29,596 --> 00:26:31,356
Speaker 1: Or the problem is that, or put us on the

491
00:26:31,436 --> 00:26:34,876
Speaker 1: wrong trajectory. And I'm cognisance. We're having this conversation in

492
00:26:34,876 --> 00:26:37,476
Speaker 1: front of a high school audience. You know, students. How

493
00:26:37,516 --> 00:26:40,436
Speaker 1: many times have you you know, gotten a bad grade

494
00:26:40,556 --> 00:26:43,396
Speaker 1: on something? Not really sure how to take it, but

495
00:26:43,476 --> 00:26:47,116
Speaker 1: you show your parents or you show your friends, and

496
00:26:47,156 --> 00:26:49,556
Speaker 1: they either react and like that's fine, it's like just

497
00:26:49,596 --> 00:26:52,116
Speaker 1: one paper, or they're like, oh my gosh, like you

498
00:26:52,156 --> 00:26:53,556
Speaker 1: get that grade. I don't know how that's going to

499
00:26:53,596 --> 00:26:55,596
Speaker 1: affect your college, Like what does that do to you?

500
00:26:55,676 --> 00:26:57,436
Speaker 1: And so I think, you know, it's great that your

501
00:26:57,516 --> 00:27:00,756
Speaker 1: daughter had a parent who's so careful to help her

502
00:27:01,116 --> 00:27:03,676
Speaker 1: kind of rethink that emotion in a way. That's good.

503
00:27:03,996 --> 00:27:05,876
Speaker 1: I worry so often we do this in a way

504
00:27:05,916 --> 00:27:08,876
Speaker 1: that's like, that's not great. That like as parents, as

505
00:27:08,916 --> 00:27:11,436
Speaker 1: ment towards our first reaction is to kind of feel

506
00:27:11,716 --> 00:27:14,316
Speaker 1: upset at someone's failure rather than say like, oh, this

507
00:27:14,396 --> 00:27:17,436
Speaker 1: is great, this is a cool opportunity. But our reaction

508
00:27:17,676 --> 00:27:20,556
Speaker 1: is changing how somebody else might be feeling about a

509
00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:22,436
Speaker 1: particular situation they find themselves in.

510
00:27:23,156 --> 00:27:25,276
Speaker 2: I worry about it too, And that's why I think

511
00:27:25,396 --> 00:27:29,756
Speaker 2: conversations like this, all the this aside with you all

512
00:27:30,476 --> 00:27:36,236
Speaker 2: are exceptionally important because what knowing about how this works

513
00:27:36,276 --> 00:27:39,436
Speaker 2: gives you the opportunity to do is number one. When

514
00:27:39,476 --> 00:27:43,036
Speaker 2: people come to you, when your friends, your siblings, later

515
00:27:43,076 --> 00:27:46,036
Speaker 2: on in life, other colleagues come to you for support,

516
00:27:46,796 --> 00:27:49,796
Speaker 2: you are now mindful of the powerful role that you

517
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:53,516
Speaker 2: exert on their emotional lives, and you should take that. Really,

518
00:27:53,596 --> 00:27:57,236
Speaker 2: that's a serious responsibility that you have to do good

519
00:27:57,276 --> 00:27:59,756
Speaker 2: for other human beings, and if you know how to

520
00:27:59,836 --> 00:28:03,916
Speaker 2: steer their ways of thinking, you can really help them.

521
00:28:04,236 --> 00:28:07,076
Speaker 2: But it also gives all of you the opportunity to

522
00:28:07,116 --> 00:28:10,676
Speaker 2: be a lot more selective about who you talk to

523
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:14,956
Speaker 2: about the issues that you are struggling with. I think

524
00:28:14,996 --> 00:28:19,076
Speaker 2: a lot of us don't think twice about who to

525
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:22,196
Speaker 2: go to for support. We just feel like we've got

526
00:28:22,196 --> 00:28:25,316
Speaker 2: to talk to other people. Let's find someone and let

527
00:28:25,356 --> 00:28:28,036
Speaker 2: it out. And sometimes it's like flipping a coin. Who's

528
00:28:28,076 --> 00:28:30,716
Speaker 2: going to push you down the wrong path or the

529
00:28:30,796 --> 00:28:33,996
Speaker 2: right one? And it doesn't have to be that random.

530
00:28:34,196 --> 00:28:36,276
Speaker 1: So I think this is sometimes I think that's about

531
00:28:36,396 --> 00:28:38,756
Speaker 1: other people affecting us. That's so frustrating. Is like people

532
00:28:38,796 --> 00:28:40,876
Speaker 1: who are trying to do good, trying to give advice,

533
00:28:40,956 --> 00:28:43,596
Speaker 1: trying to help, sometimes wind up messing us.

534
00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:43,756
Speaker 2: Uh.

535
00:28:44,476 --> 00:28:46,676
Speaker 1: And you've actually seen this in a new domain and

536
00:28:46,676 --> 00:28:49,116
Speaker 1: a new paper that just came out where the kind

537
00:28:49,116 --> 00:28:51,556
Speaker 1: of advice that people are giving, maybe even about the

538
00:28:51,596 --> 00:28:54,796
Speaker 1: benefits of social connection and talking to people, can sometimes

539
00:28:54,876 --> 00:28:57,716
Speaker 1: go awry. Tell me about the new Loneliness study.

540
00:28:58,316 --> 00:29:02,836
Speaker 2: So this is some really exciting research. It's led by

541
00:29:02,876 --> 00:29:07,036
Speaker 2: a graduate student in my lab, MICHAELA. Rodriguez. And let

542
00:29:07,036 --> 00:29:09,196
Speaker 2: me start by just asking all of you, how many

543
00:29:09,236 --> 00:29:13,916
Speaker 2: if you here have heard quite frequently this messaging that

544
00:29:14,516 --> 00:29:21,356
Speaker 2: being alone is bad for you, it's toxic, right you

545
00:29:21,396 --> 00:29:23,876
Speaker 2: want to stay away from those experiences. This is a

546
00:29:23,916 --> 00:29:27,316
Speaker 2: pervasive message right now. There's a huge amount of attention

547
00:29:27,556 --> 00:29:29,636
Speaker 2: with this country and several others as well, there's i

548
00:29:29,636 --> 00:29:33,516
Speaker 2: think a Minister of Loneliness in the UK and Japan.

549
00:29:33,636 --> 00:29:36,116
Speaker 2: There's a huge amount of attention trying to help people

550
00:29:36,516 --> 00:29:41,476
Speaker 2: combat experiences of being alone and the feelings of loneliness

551
00:29:41,516 --> 00:29:46,396
Speaker 2: that accompany those states. Being lonely has been compared to

552
00:29:46,556 --> 00:29:49,156
Speaker 2: smoking cigarettes in terms of its impact on your health.

553
00:29:49,796 --> 00:29:52,956
Speaker 2: And so what we've done across a series of studies

554
00:29:53,076 --> 00:29:57,316
Speaker 2: is try to understand how the messaging that we are

555
00:29:57,356 --> 00:30:00,916
Speaker 2: giving to society about this might help or hurt folks.

556
00:30:01,196 --> 00:30:04,956
Speaker 2: And so here's what we've learned. Number One, there's actually

557
00:30:05,076 --> 00:30:12,116
Speaker 2: nothing intrinsically bad about being physically alone for you know,

558
00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:17,516
Speaker 2: circumscribed periods of time forever chronicization, but being how many

559
00:30:17,556 --> 00:30:24,236
Speaker 2: people here actually find value in being alone sometimes right,

560
00:30:24,996 --> 00:30:27,556
Speaker 2: it can be kind of great, It can be restorative,

561
00:30:27,676 --> 00:30:30,716
Speaker 2: It can be a source of creativity. So what we've

562
00:30:30,716 --> 00:30:33,596
Speaker 2: seen in lots of research is how you think about

563
00:30:33,636 --> 00:30:35,756
Speaker 2: being alone, is it good for me or bad for me,

564
00:30:36,476 --> 00:30:40,796
Speaker 2: directly impacts how you experience that site. If you think

565
00:30:40,796 --> 00:30:42,356
Speaker 2: being alone is bad for you, if you're sitting at

566
00:30:42,396 --> 00:30:44,156
Speaker 2: the lunch room and you're eating by yourself one day

567
00:30:44,156 --> 00:30:48,196
Speaker 2: and you think, oh boy, not good. That's going to

568
00:30:48,236 --> 00:30:50,956
Speaker 2: lead you to feel lonelier. If you think this is

569
00:30:50,996 --> 00:30:54,196
Speaker 2: an opportunity to rest and restore be alone with my thoughts,

570
00:30:54,236 --> 00:30:56,276
Speaker 2: this could be a good thing. You actually feel better

571
00:30:56,676 --> 00:30:58,876
Speaker 2: when you spend time alone. Okay, and we see that

572
00:30:59,036 --> 00:31:01,996
Speaker 2: over and over again. Here's why this is really important.

573
00:31:03,076 --> 00:31:05,916
Speaker 2: We did this analysis where we went back several years

574
00:31:05,956 --> 00:31:10,076
Speaker 2: and we looked at every major news article that talk

575
00:31:10,156 --> 00:31:14,876
Speaker 2: about being alone, and we coded it rigorously for are

576
00:31:14,876 --> 00:31:17,676
Speaker 2: you describing this experience of being alone as something that's

577
00:31:17,716 --> 00:31:22,236
Speaker 2: good for you or bad for you? Overwhelmingly, the media

578
00:31:22,356 --> 00:31:26,156
Speaker 2: describes experiences of being alone as bad for you, as toxic.

579
00:31:27,516 --> 00:31:31,356
Speaker 2: Why that matters, We've shown if you give people news

580
00:31:31,436 --> 00:31:34,516
Speaker 2: articles in one condition, they describe being alone as bad

581
00:31:34,556 --> 00:31:36,996
Speaker 2: for you, and in another condition being alone is good

582
00:31:36,996 --> 00:31:41,396
Speaker 2: for you. What information you are exposed to there directly

583
00:31:41,636 --> 00:31:46,756
Speaker 2: impacts how you think about what this state does for you.

584
00:31:47,236 --> 00:31:49,676
Speaker 2: So if you're reading these articles being alone is really

585
00:31:49,716 --> 00:31:52,556
Speaker 2: bad for you, you think it's bad for you, and

586
00:31:52,596 --> 00:31:55,516
Speaker 2: that in turn makes it bad for you. It's almost

587
00:31:55,516 --> 00:31:57,036
Speaker 2: a self fulfilling prophecy.

588
00:31:57,396 --> 00:31:59,956
Speaker 1: So it's again it seems like another situation where hearing

589
00:31:59,996 --> 00:32:02,556
Speaker 1: how other people are talking about it is affecting how

590
00:32:02,556 --> 00:32:03,956
Speaker 1: we might think about it. Maybe we're kind of in

591
00:32:03,956 --> 00:32:05,796
Speaker 1: between of like, yeah, in good points and bad points

592
00:32:05,796 --> 00:32:08,916
Speaker 1: where you hear other people saying, oh, this is so bad,

593
00:32:09,196 --> 00:32:12,556
Speaker 1: comes a social benchmark which affects your own emotions when

594
00:32:12,556 --> 00:32:13,236
Speaker 1: you're in that state.

595
00:32:13,356 --> 00:32:17,516
Speaker 2: That's right, And what's really what's really tragic about this

596
00:32:17,596 --> 00:32:22,556
Speaker 2: phenomenon is I genuinely think the folks who are behind

597
00:32:22,556 --> 00:32:25,676
Speaker 2: this messaging are pushing it out there to help people.

598
00:32:26,036 --> 00:32:30,036
Speaker 2: But what we are learning is that their attempts to

599
00:32:30,556 --> 00:32:35,276
Speaker 2: help society maybe actually backfiring.

600
00:32:36,036 --> 00:32:38,316
Speaker 1: And so we want to avoid these moments where being

601
00:32:38,356 --> 00:32:41,436
Speaker 1: around other people winds it backfiring. We want to avoid

602
00:32:41,476 --> 00:32:43,956
Speaker 1: these moments when other people's emotions make us feel bad

603
00:32:44,036 --> 00:32:46,556
Speaker 1: or other people's behaviors make us do something that might

604
00:32:46,596 --> 00:32:50,316
Speaker 1: not fit with our goals. But how do we do that? Luckily,

605
00:32:50,396 --> 00:32:52,356
Speaker 1: when we get back from the break, Ethan is going

606
00:32:52,396 --> 00:32:55,036
Speaker 1: to help us out the Happiness Lab Live. I'm sure

607
00:32:54,836 --> 00:33:09,676
Speaker 1: it is very hard, we'll do it. We are back

608
00:33:09,756 --> 00:33:17,036
Speaker 1: to Happiness Love Live from show. So now we're going

609
00:33:17,076 --> 00:33:19,156
Speaker 1: to do the fun part of our conversation because we're

610
00:33:19,156 --> 00:33:22,076
Speaker 1: going to talk about how we can kind of use

611
00:33:22,156 --> 00:33:24,436
Speaker 1: other people in a way that really does make our

612
00:33:24,436 --> 00:33:26,716
Speaker 1: emotions feel better, that does allow us to achieve our

613
00:33:26,716 --> 00:33:28,636
Speaker 1: behavioral goals, and so on, a kind of set of

614
00:33:28,676 --> 00:33:31,396
Speaker 1: like social hacks that can be these powerful tools for

615
00:33:31,476 --> 00:33:35,116
Speaker 1: shaping our happiness ultimately. So let's go back to one

616
00:33:35,116 --> 00:33:39,236
Speaker 1: of the things we talked about before, emotional contagion. What

617
00:33:39,276 --> 00:33:41,076
Speaker 1: are some hacks that we can use to kind of

618
00:33:41,116 --> 00:33:43,996
Speaker 1: have other people like? What are some hacks that we

619
00:33:43,996 --> 00:33:46,516
Speaker 1: can use to catch other people's emotions in ways that

620
00:33:46,556 --> 00:33:48,116
Speaker 1: are good for us versus.

621
00:33:47,916 --> 00:33:50,996
Speaker 2: Bad for us? I think number one this more than

622
00:33:51,036 --> 00:33:53,836
Speaker 2: any phenomenon that we talked about today. This is where

623
00:33:53,876 --> 00:33:57,276
Speaker 2: knowledge is power is so unbelievably relevant. So I did

624
00:33:57,276 --> 00:34:00,276
Speaker 2: a little bit of intervention a little bit earlier where

625
00:34:00,276 --> 00:34:03,836
Speaker 2: I shared with all of you how your facial expressions

626
00:34:04,196 --> 00:34:07,996
Speaker 2: can impact us up here. And some of you are

627
00:34:08,236 --> 00:34:11,276
Speaker 2: have responded very nicely. Others I think there's still some

628
00:34:11,396 --> 00:34:12,596
Speaker 2: room for improvement.

629
00:34:12,916 --> 00:34:15,916
Speaker 1: Maybe a lot smalling asleep. We're having this conversations a

630
00:34:15,956 --> 00:34:16,516
Speaker 1: little early.

631
00:34:16,716 --> 00:34:21,596
Speaker 2: That's it's all good, So I'm joking, but knowing how

632
00:34:21,636 --> 00:34:24,916
Speaker 2: this works can be really powerful. So as as someone

633
00:34:24,916 --> 00:34:29,556
Speaker 2: who leads different groups and teams, I'm exceptionally sensitive to

634
00:34:30,316 --> 00:34:33,916
Speaker 2: the kind of emotional displays in the group and the

635
00:34:33,956 --> 00:34:36,996
Speaker 2: demeanor in the group. And if I find that one

636
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:42,316
Speaker 2: or two people are consistently showing up in a way

637
00:34:42,476 --> 00:34:46,916
Speaker 2: that is cascading and impacting everyone else, I intervene right away.

638
00:34:47,436 --> 00:34:50,836
Speaker 2: I do it with compassion. I often explain how this works,

639
00:34:50,876 --> 00:34:54,916
Speaker 2: and that is often enough, but it is really important

640
00:34:55,116 --> 00:34:58,836
Speaker 2: to do it, because the entire spirit of the lab

641
00:34:59,476 --> 00:35:03,476
Speaker 2: or the group can easily nose dive if I don't

642
00:35:03,476 --> 00:35:04,516
Speaker 2: address this right away.

643
00:35:05,116 --> 00:35:07,636
Speaker 1: And I love the suggestion so much because I think

644
00:35:07,636 --> 00:35:10,156
Speaker 1: sometimes when we hear about these effects of emotional contagion,

645
00:35:10,156 --> 00:35:11,916
Speaker 1: we're like, oh my gosh, we're just totally at the

646
00:35:11,916 --> 00:35:13,796
Speaker 1: mercy of the people around us, and I'm just like,

647
00:35:13,916 --> 00:35:17,116
Speaker 1: my emotions are stuck. But what you have to understand

648
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:19,276
Speaker 1: when you hear those effects is like, that also means

649
00:35:19,316 --> 00:35:22,716
Speaker 1: you have agency. Right if you roll into your team

650
00:35:22,796 --> 00:35:25,516
Speaker 1: and everybody's kind of feeling down, you have to remember, like, wait,

651
00:35:25,636 --> 00:35:27,836
Speaker 1: I have the agency that if I place a seed

652
00:35:28,356 --> 00:35:30,996
Speaker 1: of a little bit of optimism, a little bit of humor,

653
00:35:31,036 --> 00:35:33,636
Speaker 1: a little bit of something, a little bit more positive energy,

654
00:35:33,716 --> 00:35:37,156
Speaker 1: whatever you need, that seed is going to spread. And

655
00:35:37,196 --> 00:35:39,196
Speaker 1: what's really cool about the fact that there are these

656
00:35:39,276 --> 00:35:42,196
Speaker 1: ripple effects, these so called affective spirals. Is like, if

657
00:35:42,236 --> 00:35:45,276
Speaker 1: you plant that seed, and even if it's a little forced,

658
00:35:45,396 --> 00:35:47,396
Speaker 1: even if you're kind of trying a little bit, if

659
00:35:47,436 --> 00:35:49,116
Speaker 1: other people catch it, they're going to catch that a

660
00:35:49,156 --> 00:35:52,036
Speaker 1: little bit authentically and then they'll feed it back to you. Right,

661
00:35:52,116 --> 00:35:53,676
Speaker 1: So you can kind of be the seed that starts

662
00:35:53,676 --> 00:35:55,156
Speaker 1: the spiral of something.

663
00:35:55,356 --> 00:35:58,116
Speaker 2: That's right, and you can leverage a lot of the

664
00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:01,596
Speaker 2: other effects that we've been talking about. So I'll often

665
00:36:02,316 --> 00:36:05,676
Speaker 2: purposefully overcorrect and positivity and happiness, Like don't I look

666
00:36:05,716 --> 00:36:06,276
Speaker 2: ridiculous in.

667
00:36:06,236 --> 00:36:09,596
Speaker 1: A smiling He's smiling really jokingly. This evidents if you

668
00:36:09,596 --> 00:36:11,676
Speaker 1: see their faces, they're like, why is he making that expression?

669
00:36:11,796 --> 00:36:13,836
Speaker 2: Yeah? Sure, yeah, but there we go. We got the laugh.

670
00:36:14,316 --> 00:36:17,996
Speaker 2: So like, I'll often focus in on the one person

671
00:36:18,196 --> 00:36:21,396
Speaker 2: who maybe isn't showing the right kind of attitude and

672
00:36:21,956 --> 00:36:26,956
Speaker 2: either not directly by through these kind of chameleon effects,

673
00:36:26,996 --> 00:36:29,476
Speaker 2: try to loosen them up, or maybe I'll ask them, hey,

674
00:36:29,516 --> 00:36:32,436
Speaker 2: so you know what's going on, anything could happen this weekend?

675
00:36:32,556 --> 00:36:34,596
Speaker 2: Try to shift their mood deliberately.

676
00:36:35,396 --> 00:36:38,796
Speaker 1: So that's sort of emotional contiion. We talked a little

677
00:36:38,836 --> 00:36:41,796
Speaker 1: before about sort of venting this idea that sometimes we

678
00:36:42,356 --> 00:36:44,676
Speaker 1: want to share our emotions with other people or share

679
00:36:44,756 --> 00:36:47,836
Speaker 1: our troubles with other people, but often sometimes there are

680
00:36:47,836 --> 00:36:50,836
Speaker 1: people out there that don't necessarily mirror back to us

681
00:36:50,876 --> 00:36:52,516
Speaker 1: what we want to hear. They kind of can hype

682
00:36:52,596 --> 00:36:55,276
Speaker 1: us up or get us even more upset or more frustrated.

683
00:36:56,116 --> 00:36:58,556
Speaker 1: How do we do a better job picking people we

684
00:36:58,596 --> 00:37:01,916
Speaker 1: should vent to more successfully than others?

685
00:37:02,356 --> 00:37:05,876
Speaker 2: So this, it turns out, is actually pretty simple to do.

686
00:37:06,196 --> 00:37:09,436
Speaker 2: And when I think about, like all the science written

687
00:37:09,436 --> 00:37:13,316
Speaker 2: about in this book, this is top five pieces of

688
00:37:13,316 --> 00:37:15,956
Speaker 2: information that I use in my own life and really

689
00:37:15,996 --> 00:37:19,236
Speaker 2: benefit from it quite a bit. So I think about,

690
00:37:19,316 --> 00:37:21,756
Speaker 2: who are the people in my life that when I

691
00:37:21,836 --> 00:37:24,756
Speaker 2: go to to talk to them about a problem, they

692
00:37:24,876 --> 00:37:29,076
Speaker 2: don't just listen and demonstrate that they support me and

693
00:37:29,116 --> 00:37:32,556
Speaker 2: have my back, but essentially egg me on, which is

694
00:37:32,556 --> 00:37:35,156
Speaker 2: what happens when you co ruminate with someone else. So

695
00:37:35,556 --> 00:37:37,796
Speaker 2: here's the situation, like something bad has happened to you

696
00:37:37,836 --> 00:37:40,116
Speaker 2: and you go to talk to someone else about it.

697
00:37:40,156 --> 00:37:42,716
Speaker 2: So I have a difficult interaction let's say with a colleague,

698
00:37:42,756 --> 00:37:45,556
Speaker 2: my call Laori Laurd Can you believe what this person

699
00:37:45,636 --> 00:37:47,236
Speaker 2: did and you say.

700
00:37:47,196 --> 00:37:49,316
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I can't believe they did that. They suck.

701
00:37:49,356 --> 00:37:51,276
Speaker 1: Why are you even in that university? It sucks like

702
00:37:51,316 --> 00:37:53,156
Speaker 1: you need to get rid of all your Like you

703
00:37:53,196 --> 00:37:55,396
Speaker 1: see what I'm doing. I'm just like feel in the

704
00:37:55,436 --> 00:37:58,276
Speaker 1: fire right. I haven't gone into problem solving mode. I

705
00:37:58,316 --> 00:37:59,636
Speaker 1: haven't tried to de escalate this.

706
00:37:59,716 --> 00:38:01,996
Speaker 2: And when you do that for me, I love it.

707
00:38:02,396 --> 00:38:05,236
Speaker 2: I love it in the moment. It is indulgent, it

708
00:38:05,356 --> 00:38:09,716
Speaker 2: is Yes, Laurie's on my side, she hears me, feels me.

709
00:38:09,956 --> 00:38:13,436
Speaker 2: So that's really good for our relationship to do a

710
00:38:13,516 --> 00:38:16,116
Speaker 2: little bit of that kind of back and forth expression

711
00:38:16,156 --> 00:38:20,676
Speaker 2: and venting. Ideally, though, at some point in this conversation,

712
00:38:21,236 --> 00:38:23,236
Speaker 2: Laurie says to me, oh.

713
00:38:23,076 --> 00:38:25,596
Speaker 1: Man, that sounds tough, but like, how are we gonna

714
00:38:25,636 --> 00:38:27,556
Speaker 1: deal with the situation, Like, you know, like what we

715
00:38:27,596 --> 00:38:29,436
Speaker 1: should what should we do to shift your emotion? Let's

716
00:38:29,476 --> 00:38:31,876
Speaker 1: play Don't Stop Believing because that's a really fun song

717
00:38:31,916 --> 00:38:34,316
Speaker 1: and you'll feel better. Like we just do whatever to.

718
00:38:34,316 --> 00:38:36,356
Speaker 2: Kind of get back to she's playing that is one

719
00:38:36,396 --> 00:38:38,316
Speaker 2: of my favorites. Emotions shift for me.

720
00:38:38,396 --> 00:38:40,516
Speaker 1: She wanted to play that coming out, but we nip

721
00:38:40,556 --> 00:38:45,436
Speaker 1: that in the button but uh, and that's important because,

722
00:38:45,476 --> 00:38:48,436
Speaker 1: as you said, the venting, the co ruminating, as we've

723
00:38:48,476 --> 00:38:51,316
Speaker 1: called it, it's really good for our relationship, but it's

724
00:38:51,356 --> 00:38:54,196
Speaker 1: really bad for both of our emotions ultimately.

725
00:38:54,276 --> 00:38:54,636
Speaker 2: That's right.

726
00:38:54,756 --> 00:38:57,556
Speaker 1: If I leave the conversation, that terrible interaction with the

727
00:38:57,556 --> 00:38:59,956
Speaker 1: colleague didn't even happen to me. But now I'm having

728
00:38:59,996 --> 00:39:02,676
Speaker 1: a terrible day too, and I haven't helped what I

729
00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:04,916
Speaker 1: think even probably wanted out of this conversation, which is

730
00:39:04,956 --> 00:39:06,356
Speaker 1: a way to shift his emotions back.

731
00:39:06,516 --> 00:39:08,556
Speaker 2: I mean, I had a converse sometimes like I'm a

732
00:39:08,916 --> 00:39:10,956
Speaker 2: you catch the emotion. A friend called me up and

733
00:39:10,996 --> 00:39:14,036
Speaker 2: they just they didn't even give me a chance to

734
00:39:14,076 --> 00:39:17,676
Speaker 2: help shift their perspective. They just rapid fire launched in

735
00:39:20,076 --> 00:39:22,516
Speaker 2: and then I hung up. Okay, I gotta go, And

736
00:39:22,596 --> 00:39:24,516
Speaker 2: for the next three hours, I'm just going over in

737
00:39:24,556 --> 00:39:27,276
Speaker 2: my head what happened to them. Yeah, and I'm taking

738
00:39:27,276 --> 00:39:29,556
Speaker 2: on all the emotional baggage. So those are not the

739
00:39:29,596 --> 00:39:32,396
Speaker 2: best kinds of conversations to make you feel better. The

740
00:39:32,436 --> 00:39:35,756
Speaker 2: best conversations do two things. First, the person you're talking to,

741
00:39:36,396 --> 00:39:40,676
Speaker 2: they listen, They empathize, They normalize what you're going If

742
00:39:40,716 --> 00:39:44,236
Speaker 2: your lord, you're not alone like anyone would feel experience.

743
00:39:44,396 --> 00:39:46,396
Speaker 1: A lot of people have this bad day with colleagues.

744
00:39:46,436 --> 00:39:48,036
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean every day is going to be bad

745
00:39:48,076 --> 00:39:49,196
Speaker 1: with your colleagues.

746
00:39:48,756 --> 00:39:52,436
Speaker 2: And so you start broadening the perspective. That is the

747
00:39:52,556 --> 00:39:54,956
Speaker 2: art of being a good emotional advisor. And so my

748
00:39:54,996 --> 00:39:58,676
Speaker 2: advice to everyone here is to, like, when you're done,

749
00:39:58,676 --> 00:40:02,756
Speaker 2: if you care about this, make a little table personal problems,

750
00:40:02,836 --> 00:40:06,836
Speaker 2: school problems. List out all the people you talk to

751
00:40:07,236 --> 00:40:10,076
Speaker 2: about those different kinds of problems. Some of you may

752
00:40:10,116 --> 00:40:13,676
Speaker 2: have the same names of people on each column, like

753
00:40:13,716 --> 00:40:15,876
Speaker 2: you talk to the same people about personal stuff and

754
00:40:16,196 --> 00:40:18,796
Speaker 2: school stuff. Others may have different names. Some of you

755
00:40:18,836 --> 00:40:21,556
Speaker 2: may have no names. It doesn't matter. I'm just doing

756
00:40:21,596 --> 00:40:25,596
Speaker 2: an audit here. Who is your emotional advisory board? Once

757
00:40:25,636 --> 00:40:27,236
Speaker 2: you have those names, then I want you to think

758
00:40:27,236 --> 00:40:31,556
Speaker 2: to yourself, Okay, who are the people on this list

759
00:40:31,636 --> 00:40:34,156
Speaker 2: who do two things? When I go to them, First,

760
00:40:34,156 --> 00:40:38,316
Speaker 2: they listen, they empathize with me. But then they help

761
00:40:38,356 --> 00:40:41,516
Speaker 2: broaden my perspective. They help shift the way I think

762
00:40:41,516 --> 00:40:44,596
Speaker 2: about That wasn't purposeful. That was just slipped in there.

763
00:40:44,636 --> 00:40:45,556
Speaker 1: His book is called.

764
00:40:46,556 --> 00:40:50,676
Speaker 2: Tas That was terrible, non intended. But who are the

765
00:40:50,796 --> 00:40:54,156
Speaker 2: people who help you reframe how you're thinking about your

766
00:40:54,716 --> 00:40:58,436
Speaker 2: circumstances to ultimately allow you to move on. Those are

767
00:40:58,436 --> 00:41:02,276
Speaker 2: your emotional advisors. Circle those names for all the names

768
00:41:02,276 --> 00:41:06,796
Speaker 2: you didn't circle, You've got two choices. Number one, go

769
00:41:06,836 --> 00:41:10,436
Speaker 2: get a red sharp eiet and cross their names off

770
00:41:10,436 --> 00:41:13,796
Speaker 2: your list. It's something kind of cathartic about doing that, satisfying.

771
00:41:15,716 --> 00:41:18,716
Speaker 2: It's a legitimate option. There are some people who you

772
00:41:18,756 --> 00:41:21,396
Speaker 2: can be super close. You love them, talk to them

773
00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:24,156
Speaker 2: about other stuff, but not the big problems in life.

774
00:41:24,276 --> 00:41:27,316
Speaker 2: If they're not serving you well. There the other opportunity

775
00:41:27,356 --> 00:41:33,236
Speaker 2: you have is to educate those people who aren't serving

776
00:41:33,276 --> 00:41:35,756
Speaker 2: you well in this capacity by sharing with them what

777
00:41:35,796 --> 00:41:39,196
Speaker 2: you've learned. And you know, I feel like it's important

778
00:41:39,196 --> 00:41:41,236
Speaker 2: to give you a disclaimer. There's an art to doing

779
00:41:41,236 --> 00:41:44,316
Speaker 2: that well. I would not advise you to pull those

780
00:41:44,356 --> 00:41:47,756
Speaker 2: people aside and say, hey, I just went to this presentation.

781
00:41:47,836 --> 00:41:51,436
Speaker 2: You know what I learned. You suck as an advisor,

782
00:41:51,636 --> 00:41:53,556
Speaker 2: like you really you make me feel bad. I know

783
00:41:53,596 --> 00:41:56,036
Speaker 2: you love me, but it doesn't help, so quit it. Okay,

784
00:41:56,316 --> 00:42:00,156
Speaker 2: can do this and said probably not the most elegant

785
00:42:00,196 --> 00:42:03,836
Speaker 2: way of intervening. A better way is did you know

786
00:42:04,156 --> 00:42:08,276
Speaker 2: that actually just sharing out stuff and just get me

787
00:42:08,356 --> 00:42:11,476
Speaker 2: to rehearse things. And actually I had no idea that actually,

788
00:42:11,516 --> 00:42:13,436
Speaker 2: if you really want to help someone, you need to

789
00:42:13,556 --> 00:42:15,556
Speaker 2: look at that bigger picture. Or if you don't want

790
00:42:15,556 --> 00:42:18,196
Speaker 2: to do that, you could say I I just listened

791
00:42:18,196 --> 00:42:21,516
Speaker 2: to this awesome live taping of a happiness lab.

792
00:42:21,836 --> 00:42:23,956
Speaker 1: It was at my schools.

793
00:42:23,316 --> 00:42:27,316
Speaker 2: At my school, and I think you'll find it really interesting.

794
00:42:27,356 --> 00:42:28,876
Speaker 2: I learned all these things I never knew about. And

795
00:42:28,876 --> 00:42:32,436
Speaker 2: then you hope they get to the end of the podcast.

796
00:42:32,476 --> 00:42:34,316
Speaker 2: How many people get to the end of the podcast?

797
00:42:34,476 --> 00:42:34,996
Speaker 1: Everybody?

798
00:42:35,036 --> 00:42:36,556
Speaker 2: Everyone? Okay?

799
00:42:36,876 --> 00:42:40,756
Speaker 1: That's that wasn't even a joke.

800
00:42:40,956 --> 00:42:43,076
Speaker 2: I was just all right.

801
00:42:43,116 --> 00:42:46,756
Speaker 1: So that's kind of dealing with sort of fighting motion antgion.

802
00:42:47,196 --> 00:42:49,356
Speaker 1: How we can sort of get people to help us

803
00:42:49,596 --> 00:42:52,636
Speaker 1: vent better, vent more effectively. How do we deal with

804
00:42:52,676 --> 00:42:55,756
Speaker 1: the social comparison? We talked a little bit before about

805
00:42:55,836 --> 00:42:58,276
Speaker 1: kind of using it more productively, but what are our

806
00:42:58,316 --> 00:42:59,276
Speaker 1: go to social hacks?

807
00:42:59,316 --> 00:43:03,676
Speaker 2: Then? So social comparison. So number one, if you do it,

808
00:43:04,916 --> 00:43:07,396
Speaker 2: there's nothing wrong with you. I can't tell you how

809
00:43:07,436 --> 00:43:12,356
Speaker 2: many people I encounter who they feel bad about themselves

810
00:43:12,716 --> 00:43:15,636
Speaker 2: because they're making these social comparisons as though it's a

811
00:43:15,676 --> 00:43:20,636
Speaker 2: sign of weakness that you're referencing other people. This is

812
00:43:20,716 --> 00:43:23,556
Speaker 2: not a weakness. This is how you are wired. It

813
00:43:23,676 --> 00:43:27,916
Speaker 2: is how we are built, and simply recognizing that should

814
00:43:27,916 --> 00:43:30,876
Speaker 2: be liberating to some degree. It certainly is for me,

815
00:43:31,236 --> 00:43:34,516
Speaker 2: like I do it. I can't help it. It's how

816
00:43:34,556 --> 00:43:37,956
Speaker 2: we function. So Number one, recognize that that will help

817
00:43:38,396 --> 00:43:42,316
Speaker 2: Number two. If you find yourself making a comparison against

818
00:43:42,316 --> 00:43:47,596
Speaker 2: someone who is outperforming you in some way, flip it right.

819
00:43:47,916 --> 00:43:50,996
Speaker 2: It's no longer oh my god, they're doing so much better.

820
00:43:51,916 --> 00:43:54,756
Speaker 2: They did it, So can I use it as a

821
00:43:54,796 --> 00:43:59,156
Speaker 2: source of motivation, as fuel to propel you. It's showing

822
00:43:59,196 --> 00:44:02,916
Speaker 2: you what is actually possible, what you are capable of achieving.

823
00:44:03,356 --> 00:44:06,516
Speaker 2: We tend to feel worse about the comparisons we make

824
00:44:06,956 --> 00:44:10,116
Speaker 2: to people who are like us. Right, so you're like

825
00:44:10,156 --> 00:44:12,596
Speaker 2: you'd be a great example for me. You are like

826
00:44:12,676 --> 00:44:15,076
Speaker 2: me in many ways. If you are outperforming me in

827
00:44:15,116 --> 00:44:18,516
Speaker 2: some way, that's really gonna sting. But the fact that

828
00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:21,796
Speaker 2: you were like me also means that what you've achieved

829
00:44:22,116 --> 00:44:24,836
Speaker 2: is something that I can do too. I think you

830
00:44:24,876 --> 00:44:29,556
Speaker 2: will be amazed at how quickly this little reframe can

831
00:44:29,636 --> 00:44:32,436
Speaker 2: totally reroute your emotional experience.

832
00:44:32,556 --> 00:44:34,276
Speaker 1: There's also an interesting way that you can use the

833
00:44:34,316 --> 00:44:36,956
Speaker 1: sort of social benchmarking with that too, which I find

834
00:44:37,036 --> 00:44:39,516
Speaker 1: can be really powerful. Right you think like, oh, that

835
00:44:39,556 --> 00:44:42,116
Speaker 1: person's like me, I can achieve that too, But then

836
00:44:42,156 --> 00:44:44,356
Speaker 1: you also then ask the further question of like, but

837
00:44:44,436 --> 00:44:48,116
Speaker 1: what are they doing that? Like I'm not doing absolutely.

838
00:44:48,276 --> 00:44:50,836
Speaker 1: I had this good friend of mine who is like,

839
00:44:51,276 --> 00:44:53,356
Speaker 1: I'm not a very fit person. She was also not

840
00:44:53,356 --> 00:44:55,556
Speaker 1: a very fit person, but kind of she'd gotten a

841
00:44:55,556 --> 00:44:57,916
Speaker 1: little bit sick and then just like really devoted herself

842
00:44:57,956 --> 00:44:59,756
Speaker 1: to fitness and just started going to the gym all

843
00:44:59,756 --> 00:45:01,716
Speaker 1: the time and so on. And I found myself doing

844
00:45:01,716 --> 00:45:04,276
Speaker 1: the like, man, she's getting so fit, Like she's just

845
00:45:04,316 --> 00:45:07,396
Speaker 1: like doing so well and feeling that social comparison that envy.

846
00:45:07,796 --> 00:45:09,316
Speaker 1: But with this hack, I could do the fall. I

847
00:45:09,356 --> 00:45:10,716
Speaker 1: was like, well, she was just like me before she

848
00:45:10,756 --> 00:45:12,796
Speaker 1: was also unfit. But then I asked myself the question,

849
00:45:12,836 --> 00:45:14,916
Speaker 1: well what's she doing. I'm like, well, she's going to

850
00:45:14,996 --> 00:45:16,996
Speaker 1: the gym every day, she really paying attention to what

851
00:45:17,036 --> 00:45:19,636
Speaker 1: she eats, she's going really hardcore with it. And then

852
00:45:19,676 --> 00:45:21,316
Speaker 1: I had this realization of like, well, I could do

853
00:45:21,356 --> 00:45:23,756
Speaker 1: that too, but I also have to do all the

854
00:45:23,796 --> 00:45:25,516
Speaker 1: other hard stuff that she's doing, and then you could

855
00:45:25,516 --> 00:45:27,116
Speaker 1: ask the question reasonably, do I want to do that

856
00:45:27,156 --> 00:45:30,236
Speaker 1: hard stuff or not? Right? I think this can be powerful,

857
00:45:30,316 --> 00:45:33,076
Speaker 1: right because you remember, like it's not just by you know,

858
00:45:33,156 --> 00:45:36,036
Speaker 1: some accident. Often that people are doing better, especially if

859
00:45:36,036 --> 00:45:37,956
Speaker 1: they've made a change, especially if they started like you.

860
00:45:38,396 --> 00:45:41,436
Speaker 1: Often you know they're putting some work into this, They're

861
00:45:41,476 --> 00:45:44,036
Speaker 1: making choices that maybe you are not making now, but

862
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:45,716
Speaker 1: you could so better.

863
00:45:46,636 --> 00:45:51,196
Speaker 2: I experienced the very similar phenomenon. It was not with

864
00:45:51,276 --> 00:45:53,276
Speaker 2: someone who was like me, per se. It was with

865
00:45:53,356 --> 00:45:57,796
Speaker 2: President Obama, okay and so not like me, and but

866
00:45:57,876 --> 00:45:59,836
Speaker 2: I remember it was like I was just starting as

867
00:45:59,836 --> 00:46:03,196
Speaker 2: an assistant professor, and you know, it was hard being

868
00:46:03,236 --> 00:46:07,396
Speaker 2: assistant professor. I was grinding away and I wasn't exercising regularly.

869
00:46:07,436 --> 00:46:11,836
Speaker 2: And I came across an article about how Obama exercised

870
00:46:11,956 --> 00:46:15,836
Speaker 2: every day, and immediately I come across this information. Now

871
00:46:15,876 --> 00:46:18,676
Speaker 2: I'm really feeling bad about myself, like my pants aren't

872
00:46:18,716 --> 00:46:21,196
Speaker 2: fitting to begin with, and now I'm finding out that

873
00:46:21,236 --> 00:46:24,516
Speaker 2: the president of the free world right like, is able

874
00:46:24,596 --> 00:46:30,036
Speaker 2: to do this Like not good? So what did I do?

875
00:46:30,356 --> 00:46:33,276
Speaker 2: And back then it took me a while to reframe

876
00:46:33,316 --> 00:46:35,916
Speaker 2: this because it wasn't top of mind as it is now.

877
00:46:36,436 --> 00:46:38,796
Speaker 2: But eventually I didn't. I thought to myself, you know what,

878
00:46:39,036 --> 00:46:43,356
Speaker 2: if that guy who's a lot busier than me and

879
00:46:43,596 --> 00:46:47,876
Speaker 2: a lot more important, can find time to exercise each morning,

880
00:46:48,436 --> 00:46:51,916
Speaker 2: so can I. And to this day that is a

881
00:46:51,996 --> 00:46:54,956
Speaker 2: guiding motivation I use to get me to the gym.

882
00:46:55,036 --> 00:46:56,956
Speaker 1: It's so funny because I have this similar thing when

883
00:46:56,996 --> 00:46:59,436
Speaker 1: I'm at the gym and I have this trainer who

884
00:46:59,596 --> 00:47:01,356
Speaker 1: is trying to help me, but you know, it's tough

885
00:47:01,396 --> 00:47:03,636
Speaker 1: for him. But sometimes he'll make me do planks and

886
00:47:03,676 --> 00:47:07,596
Speaker 1: I hate doing clanks. But I remember hearing that the

887
00:47:07,676 --> 00:47:11,036
Speaker 1: Ruth Bader Ginsburg over Supreme Cut Purt Justice, did like

888
00:47:11,156 --> 00:47:13,276
Speaker 1: three minutes of planks every day and she was like

889
00:47:13,356 --> 00:47:16,396
Speaker 1: eighty And so when I hate this, I'm like Ruth

890
00:47:16,436 --> 00:47:18,316
Speaker 1: Bader Gibsburg who was so much older than me, and

891
00:47:18,356 --> 00:47:20,556
Speaker 1: she could do this, and I feel like I should

892
00:47:20,596 --> 00:47:21,356
Speaker 1: be able to do it too.

893
00:47:21,716 --> 00:47:26,876
Speaker 2: What we are talking about here is weaponizing these social

894
00:47:26,916 --> 00:47:31,796
Speaker 2: comparisons to your benefit. Right we stumble into them, like,

895
00:47:31,876 --> 00:47:34,436
Speaker 2: don't wait to stumble into it, jump in there and

896
00:47:34,436 --> 00:47:36,676
Speaker 2: do it. And the quick flip side. I think we're

897
00:47:36,716 --> 00:47:41,156
Speaker 2: winding down here. Is It works the other way too.

898
00:47:42,036 --> 00:47:45,756
Speaker 2: If you find yourself coming across a case someone or

899
00:47:45,796 --> 00:47:50,236
Speaker 2: a group of people, tragedy has befallen them, and you

900
00:47:50,356 --> 00:47:53,396
Speaker 2: instantly interpret that as, oh my god, what if that

901
00:47:53,556 --> 00:47:57,996
Speaker 2: happens to me. I was just recently in DC, for example,

902
00:47:58,116 --> 00:48:01,796
Speaker 2: when the plane crash occurred. I actually flew in like

903
00:48:01,836 --> 00:48:05,716
Speaker 2: a half hour after that happened, and many people that

904
00:48:06,276 --> 00:48:12,676
Speaker 2: I was around were constant, really overcome with negativity because

905
00:48:12,716 --> 00:48:15,236
Speaker 2: they were thinking about, Oh my god, what if this

906
00:48:15,316 --> 00:48:19,276
Speaker 2: had happened to me? You can flip it right if

907
00:48:19,316 --> 00:48:22,316
Speaker 2: you don't want to feel that way. Oh my god,

908
00:48:22,436 --> 00:48:25,756
Speaker 2: how lucky am I that this didn't happen to me.

909
00:48:26,076 --> 00:48:28,876
Speaker 2: It's a very easy switch. So I'll say one more

910
00:48:28,916 --> 00:48:30,796
Speaker 2: thing fifteen seconds, and I'll throw it back to you.

911
00:48:31,556 --> 00:48:36,716
Speaker 2: A lot of people think that managing your emotions is hard.

912
00:48:37,156 --> 00:48:41,756
Speaker 2: It has to be hard. It sometimes is hard, but

913
00:48:41,876 --> 00:48:44,676
Speaker 2: it doesn't always have to be. There are lots and

914
00:48:44,716 --> 00:48:48,036
Speaker 2: lots of tools that we can use that make emotion

915
00:48:48,196 --> 00:48:52,036
Speaker 2: regulation easy. And I think the more you can familiarize

916
00:48:52,036 --> 00:48:55,716
Speaker 2: yourself with those easy to use, effortless shifts, and thank

917
00:48:55,796 --> 00:48:57,956
Speaker 2: you to you for helping share these things with the

918
00:48:57,996 --> 00:49:02,196
Speaker 2: world in your podcast. I think the happier we all

919
00:49:02,236 --> 00:49:02,476
Speaker 2: will be.

920
00:49:02,796 --> 00:49:05,356
Speaker 1: So well, Ethan, thank you so much for helping us

921
00:49:05,396 --> 00:49:07,596
Speaker 1: figure out how we can use these social hacks to

922
00:49:07,596 --> 00:49:11,236
Speaker 1: shift our emotions. Speak for all the folks in the

923
00:49:11,316 --> 00:49:14,716
Speaker 1: room and listening at home, and say you're really feeling

924
00:49:14,756 --> 00:49:16,556
Speaker 1: like shifting is going to be a little bit easier.

925
00:49:16,796 --> 00:49:18,436
Speaker 1: I would like to thank you for all of