WEBVTT - The F*ckable James Tom 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.800 Hey, viewers. Sniffy's Cruising Confessions is an explicit podcast about 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:08.119 queer sex. Filter dirty words and unfiltered descriptions of sexual activities. 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:12.360 If hearing about orgies, anonymous sex, kink, fetish, and more 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:15.960 offends your sensibilities, you might want to skip this Viewer 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:20.840 discretion is advised. It's definitely not for kids. Put your 0:00:20.840 --> 0:00:24.520 pussy up, put your put your pussy up, Put your 0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:28.200 pussy up, Put, put your pussy up. Welcome to Sniffy's 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:30.400 Cruising Confessions. I'm gabelon Sadez and. 0:00:30.360 --> 0:00:33.480 I'm christtison Rosso. Each week we explore the sublime world 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:35.560 of queer sex, cruising, and relationships. 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:37.680 We talk to queer folks of all kinds. We'll ask 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:41.600 some questions, swap sex stories, share intimate revelations, and provide 0:00:41.640 --> 0:00:45.920 practical advice that you can use at home. Jo put 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:49.120 put yo pussy put Jo, put put your put put 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:50.120 your put up. 0:00:50.440 --> 0:00:53.800 So Gabe, So, Chris, what is the best piece of 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:55.400 advice you've been given about sex? 0:00:55.840 --> 0:00:58.400 Uh? Spit is not. Lube is a pretty crucial one. Yes, 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:01.280 you learned that the hard way. And then I actually 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:04.040 the first piece of advice that I actually followed was 0:01:04.040 --> 0:01:06.640 getting on PREP because it was late twenty twelve. I've 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:08.200 talked about this on podcasts before, but I had no 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.280 idea what PREP was. And I was working as a 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:15.080 cameraman for a porn studio and one of the models 0:01:15.120 --> 0:01:17.680 told me he was married to an HIV positive man 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:19.959 and was like, you should try it, especially if you've 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:22.919 had connaist sex lately or you have an anxiety about 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:26.560 getting a CHIV. And I did, Yeah, that sounds like 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:29.880 really sound advice. How about you. Have you ever gotten 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:31.280 any any advice you've taken with you? 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:36.720 Yeah, never trust a fart. 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:39.600 I hate you for bringing that back. 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:42.000 I hate for those of you who don't know who 0:01:42.000 --> 0:01:44.520 may be joining us for the first time. On season one, 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:47.440 first episode had a plan in come dump. We had 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:51.240 our guest, Scott Carslake, and he said, after one of 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:53.640 his sessions, you never trust a fart. 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:56.800 I've had people come up to me in person and say, 0:01:56.920 --> 0:02:01.080 never trust a fart. But that was though a critical 0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:03.280 piece of it. That was our very first episode was Yeah, 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:07.240 it was Yeah, that was actually really it was very good. 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:09.280 I think we all know that when we are starting 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:13.040 out our journeys as horny young queer's baby gays or 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:15.720 even demon twinks. It can be hard to figure out 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:17.239 how to navigate the world. 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:19.000 But most of us into the queer world without any 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:20.200 kind of expert guidance. 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:22.440 Right, Sometimes you just wish someone would come along and 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:24.560 tell you what you're doing wrong and help you understand 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:27.480 how to make better decisions, or at least share their 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:29.320 own fuck ups so you don't repeat them. 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:32.000 Our guest today, comedian James Tom, is someone who is 0:02:32.000 --> 0:02:34.040 in a very new place on his own journey, but. 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:35.880 That is not stopping him from dishing out loads of 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:39.120 juicy advice on his substack Hello again, and sharing what 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:41.280 he's learned in very funny stand up comedy sets all 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:41.960 over the country. 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:44.440 In today's episodes, we're going to weigh through all the messy, 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:48.000 hilarious moments he's had since transitioning from lesbian NB to 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:48.959 a trans gay guy. 0:02:50.639 --> 0:02:53.480 Please welcome to Sniffy's Crusin Confessions, James Tom. 0:02:53.880 --> 0:02:56.840 Yay hiye, thanks for having me. 0:02:57.040 --> 0:03:00.320 I'm so excited, he resolutely yeah. I if you have 0:03:00.320 --> 0:03:02.880 your really psyched. So you've been a comedian for quite 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:05.840 a while, but you're a few years into being a 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:06.239 gay guy. 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:06.840 That's true. 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:08.200 I'm sorry and welcome. 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:10.440 Yeah, it's been an interesting transition. 0:03:11.800 --> 0:03:15.119 Yeah, I can't imagine. And you talk about this a lot. 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:16.800 I saw you talk about it in your one man 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:18.520 show list Lonely, and you talk about it in your 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:21.160 stand up often. I'm wondering, what has it been like 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:24.720 going through this transition in real time while processing it 0:03:24.760 --> 0:03:26.160 in front of audiences. 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:29.480 Oh my god. Well, I've been saying on stage that 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:33.440 I'm going through my early twenties twinkdum in my mid thirties. 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:34.520 Yeah, which is. 0:03:34.440 --> 0:03:36.800 A little crazy. It's like, on one hand, it's good 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:38.960 because my prefrontal cortex is fully formed. 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:41.600 Yes, so you're making better rational thought. 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:44.880 Better choices. But on the other hand, when I make 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:48.200 bad choices, I only have myself to play. Well, I 0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:52.640 did just get into that man's car. But it's okay. 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:54.440 I'm here today, I'm alive. 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:56.480 I will say that's not the most dangerous thing we've 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:57.080 heard on this. 0:03:57.000 --> 0:04:03.960 Podcast here, but from where I came from, Yeah, you 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:06.000 really are not supposed to do things like that. 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:07.280 Yeah. 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:09.160 I would love for you to sort of explain the 0:04:09.160 --> 0:04:12.880 differences between your adolescens as like a lesbian and now 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:15.280 your adolescence is like a tea boy. 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:17.520 Oh my god, what does it look like? What are 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:19.640 the difference is? How are they the same? 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:23.720 They're not the same. Okay, they're so different in a 0:04:23.760 --> 0:04:27.960 way that like I literally don't think people realize unless 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:30.160 they've experienced both of them, which a lot of people have. 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:33.240 Like as a young lesbian, I feel like I was 0:04:33.360 --> 0:04:38.039 so like heartbroken all the time, Okay, weeping, crying because 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:40.320 I watched a sad lesbian movie and I wanted the 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:42.560 women to end up together and they didn't, and I'm 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:47.800 like personally affronted by that. I was very romantic. Every 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:49.359 time I went out, I was like, oh my god, like, 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:51.200 is this the time then I'm going to meet the 0:04:51.200 --> 0:04:54.560 woman who's the one? And now I don't give a 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:57.000 fuck about that at all. Yeah, And I'm sure some 0:04:57.040 --> 0:04:59.800 of that is just being a teenager versus being like 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.560 in your mid thirties. But I don't have like a 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:08.000 strong romantic urge anymore. It's very easy for me to 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.560 have a lot of casual sex. I don't know, I 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:13.599 feel different, Like I felt I didn't feel like I 0:05:13.640 --> 0:05:16.400 was hot until I started identifying as a gay guy. 0:05:17.000 --> 0:05:18.839 Like I always felt like when I had to be 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:21.279 like Bush. I was always like, oh, well, I'm so small, 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:24.760 I'm like weak, I'm not very masculine, and I always 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:27.440 felt really insecure about that. And then when I kind 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:29.120 of came into the gay world, I was like, oh, 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:32.080 I'm just literally a twink. Like I'm just literally, like 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:35.720 exactly a twink. And suddenly everything makes a lot more sense. 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:40.279 I'm like, oh, that's why my lesbian celebrity crushes were 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:42.080 like Jane Fond and Professor McGonagall. 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:43.240 OK. 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:48.120 Yeah, you're like, oh, I didn't want to have sex 0:05:48.160 --> 0:05:52.880 with those ancient women. I just really love them the 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.920 way a gay guy loves women, and I've always loved women. 0:05:55.960 --> 0:05:58.599 I still love women. I'm very sexist, which is hard 0:05:58.640 --> 0:06:01.359 as a gay guy. I feel like I only like 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:03.200 five guys and they're all from Lord of the Rings. 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:08.240 They're the only safe ones to like exactly. So in 0:06:08.279 --> 0:06:11.760 terms of like kind of realizing these differences in perspective 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:14.360 as you're transitioning, are there like a series of like 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:17.479 aha moments where you're like, oh, it's this or are 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:19.480 do you find yourself sort of like working through ideas 0:06:19.560 --> 0:06:21.479 and being like, Okay, it's this now, this is. 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:24.200 Where I'm at kind of the common narrative of transition 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:28.520 is like I feel like this inside and now I'm 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:30.560 going to do AB and C to like change my 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.760 outside to match my inside. But I feel like for me, 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:36.480 I had to do a bunch of outside stuff in 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.680 order to realize how I felt inside. Like I just 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:43.640 for anybody who doesn't know my gender lore, I was 0:06:43.720 --> 0:06:47.120 like a non binary Dike style person for like seventeen years. 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.160 I went to women's college. I was really in the 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:53.240 lesbian world because that was all I knew and it 0:06:53.279 --> 0:06:55.839 was what I was choosing over and over again. Sort 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:58.040 of at the end of my last relationship with a woman, 0:06:58.120 --> 0:07:01.400 which was a non monogamous relationship, I started hooking up 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:05.520 with this a map non binary person, so like not 0:07:05.600 --> 0:07:07.840 exactly a gay guy, but I was like, okay, like 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:10.480 this is fun, but like that person's kind of a 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:13.400 lesbian too, and so am I So like it's fine, 0:07:13.560 --> 0:07:15.920 nothing has to change. And then when I broke up 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:20.560 with that woman, I started really like moving more into 0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:23.040 the gay guye space. But it wasn't until I did 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:26.880 my first trip to Fire Island. Oh yeah, So I 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:28.840 went to Fire Island. I was non binary. I like 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:31.360 hadn't had top surgery, yet I was still going by 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:33.119 my old name. I was like, I have no idea 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:35.040 what this is going to be. Like Frankly, I've never 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:39.120 really been around like only gay guys. I've always had 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:41.120 gay friends, but I've never been in a place where 0:07:41.160 --> 0:07:43.320 I was like the only one and everybody else was 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:45.200 a gay guy. And I actually was like, I wonder 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:47.920 if this is going to be really bad, and like 0:07:47.960 --> 0:07:50.120 if I'm going to feel insecure or I'm going to 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:52.960 feel left out. And then what ended up happening was 0:07:53.120 --> 0:07:55.760 because I went with a great group, everybody just like 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:58.080 treated me like I was one of them. And then 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:01.080 there was one day where we were hosting a pool 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:03.560 party at our house with the Fire Island cast, the 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:06.920 Fire Island the movie cast, because the movie had just 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:10.280 come out totally coincidentally at the same time, and there 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:12.640 was this tall blonde twink in a Versace Spiedo. 0:08:13.360 --> 0:08:15.680 It's always a tall blonde twink and a Versace. 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:20.240 Speedo, yes, exactly matching VERSACEI Spiedo and Versace sunglasses and 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:23.960 he kept like putting his arm around me. And I'm racist, 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:26.520 so I couldn't tell if he was a guy I 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:32.040 knew or not. And I kind of thought like, oh, yeah, 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:34.200 like this is this other blonde twink who I like 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:36.120 have met on this trip. He was and he was 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:38.920 a fully different guy. But I was like, yeah, like 0:08:39.120 --> 0:08:40.720 let me put my arm around him too. And then 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:42.559 he was like come upstairs with me, and I was like, 0:08:42.600 --> 0:08:45.160 come upstairs, like, this is my house that I'm staying at. 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:48.120 What are you talking about? He takes my hand, we 0:08:48.240 --> 0:08:50.520 go upstairs. As we're going up the stairs, he goes 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:54.480 they're hooking up up there, and I was like, oh, okay. Sure. 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:58.800 He leads me like Alice through the looking glass into 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:01.320 the master suite of this house. This guy is on 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:04.480 the bed naked with a cochring on. I come in. 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:07.120 He like kind of starts and like covers himself and 0:09:07.160 --> 0:09:10.440 I was like, oh god, like I've ruined everything. This 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:12.360 is not like he was not expecting to see me. 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:14.760 He doesn't want to see me here. And then this 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.080 guy was like, oh, like this is what we're doing 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:18.520 in here? And I was like no, I know, and 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:20.520 he was like are you okay with that? And I 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:23.959 was like, yeah, I'm okay with it if you're okay 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:26.600 with it. And he's sort of just laid back and 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:29.280 the versace Twink went onto the bed and started making 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:32.040 out with him, And in that moment, I was like, okay, 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:34.839 I have human agency here. No one is going to 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:37.600 say come up here right now, Like I have to 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:41.360 choose either I get onto this bed yeah, or I 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:45.480 leave yeah. And I got onto the bed and had 0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:49.320 like weird rotating group sex with a bunch of people 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:52.520 who were in this room, and I was like, oh, 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:56.880 this is so it was so like natural for me. Again, 0:09:56.920 --> 0:10:00.040 I was a lesbian style person for seventeen years. I 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:02.520 never had a threesome. I never had group sex. I 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:05.600 was offered a couple of times, and I always sort 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:10.280 of was like, oh, that sounds complicated. Oh it sounds 0:10:10.360 --> 0:10:12.680 kind of emotionally hard, Like I don't know if. 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:15.080 I can do all that, and you're like, I love complicated. No. 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:16.880 And then in this moment it was so easy for 0:10:16.920 --> 0:10:19.160 me that I was like, uh oh, like maybe this 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:23.320 was always true and maybe that's why it felt difficult 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:26.000 for me before, and this actually feels so easy. And 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:28.200 then after that I sort of like, Okay, I kind 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:30.440 of think that's that. I mean, it took me a 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:32.160 while after that, but I was like, Okay, I have 0:10:32.160 --> 0:10:34.320 to change my name. I have to like get top surgery. 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:37.400 Not I have to, but like it set me on 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:40.280 the course to like realizing that that was the kind 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:43.120 of stuff I wanted when I had just never kind 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:44.800 of let myself go there before. 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:47.400 Really, it just takes a little a light threesome and 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:48.200 then you can figure. 0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:49.280 Out just a little threesome. 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:51.800 It like it was a larger group. 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:53.840 It was kind of three at a time, but people 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:55.720 would like trade in them out, you know, people would 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:57.680 tag out. They'd be like, all right, I'm done, and 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:03.040 you yeah, because you're not a quitter, No, I have stamina. Well, also, 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:06.520 as a as a former lesbian, lesbian sex famously takes 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:10.720 at least four hours, four hours with a buffer hour 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:14.120 to cry afterwards about like what you've discovered about each 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:16.559 other gay guy sex. You're actually kind of trying as 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:18.320 hard as you can not to discover anything. 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:19.200 Yeah, exactly. 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:23.640 Bless you find out something like that. 0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:26.720 Your life still lower. Exactly. 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:28.240 No, don't tell me your name. 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:33.720 Yeah, of course. And I do love that you shared 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:35.920 this story because I think your latest substack that I 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:38.760 read was sort of about these kind of like walls 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:43.160 that you you had separated and erected between your communities. Sorry, 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:44.520 I didn't I didn't think about that word. 0:11:44.559 --> 0:11:48.320 Listen. Everything is always separating and erecting in my life. 0:11:48.480 --> 0:11:50.640 But but you were talking about how like you were, like, Okay, 0:11:50.640 --> 0:11:53.160 among my gay friends, I feel like the slutty gay twink. 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:54.440 And then I go over to hang out with my 0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:57.880 trans friends in Cherry Grove and I'm the mayor, I'm 0:11:57.880 --> 0:11:58.400 the elder. 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:00.440 I have to like button up a little great. 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:02.480 So, like what was keeping those walls up for you 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:04.880 and sort of what helped you collapse them? 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:08.360 I mean, I think I'm still learning how to collapse 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:11.560 them and how to consolidate all of these different things. 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:15.640 I was talking specifically in this substack about parties like 0:12:15.679 --> 0:12:19.120 Doll Invasion and like Tea for T Takeover on Fire Island, 0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:23.880 and those parties are born out of trans people being 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:28.640 excluded from those spaces. So the result is that those 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:32.640 parties become almost like a separatist movement where it's like, okay, 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.440 like you know, we haven't been allowed here before, so 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:37.719 now here we are all together and we're going to 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.439 like take up space together. But at the end of 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:43.720 the day, a lot of like trans cultures and gay 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:47.520 cultures are pretty different. I mean Doll Invasion in particular, 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:49.559 they released a whole statement about like this party is 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:55.079 for everyone, but like they did that because people naturally separate. 0:12:55.320 --> 0:12:58.319 It's like a big project for like the whole LGBTQ 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:01.559 community to kind of learn how to communicate with each 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:04.520 other and how to like share the same spaces in 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:07.400 both directions. But obviously the gay guys with money should 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:10.079 be the ones who should probably open some. 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:12.079 Doors, put the burden on them for most things. 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:14.040 But I feel like there's like a lot of cultural 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:16.760 separation between us. So like I'm in this moment right 0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:19.600 now where I'm trying to learn like how to navigate 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:22.040 those spaces and how I can feel like I can 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:26.679 just be myself without having to like become some different 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:28.640 persona depending on who I'm around. 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:31.560 Yeah, Like I'd love to hear more about like the 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.440 code switching, right, because there are like in gay guy culture, 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:37.160 there are so many different cliques. Do you have the 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:38.440 same thing in tboy culture? 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:43.440 Well, there's just totally different lenses on just gender and 0:13:43.520 --> 0:13:47.520 race alone, just the two small subjects. I don't know 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:50.400 if either of you has ever considered gender and race. 0:13:51.040 --> 0:13:51.440 I don't know. 0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:58.679 Yeah, yeah, but gay guys in particular have an extremely 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:02.560 clear race and desire hierarchy that I'm sure you guys 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:05.600 have talked about a billion times. That's like white masculine 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:08.520 guys on top, and then everybody else sort of as 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:11.520 a foil off of whatever that is. I will say 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.920 lesbians don't do that as clearly as gay guys do, 0:14:15.480 --> 0:14:19.600 and trans people also try not to do that as clearly. Obviously, 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:23.640 white supremacy is real and that's pervasive among everybody, but 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:26.880 it's so obvious with gay guys and it's like a pyramid. 0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:32.480 So like among trans people and among like Dike culture people, 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:37.480 I'm considered very masculine and I have always felt like 0:14:37.520 --> 0:14:40.200 I've had to live up to that and almost like 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:44.840 butchop to be around those people, whereas in gay guye 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:48.040 culture it sounds a little counterintuitive, but I almost think 0:14:48.080 --> 0:14:51.240 this is literally just because I'm trans, I was like, oh, 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:55.320 I can be feminine here. This is a thing that exists. 0:14:55.400 --> 0:14:58.800 There's like a twink is real. It is expected that 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:00.520 I might be kind of a fem it, that I 0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:03.320 might be small, that I might be smooth, which like 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:06.960 that's not my choice that's just like my natural body. 0:15:07.440 --> 0:15:10.400 But I found kind of a niche there. And something 0:15:10.440 --> 0:15:13.440 that I'm really interested in is I know from having 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:18.280 conversations with others CIS gay men, that sometimes Asian men 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:23.320 are de sexualized in gay spaces. I've had sometimes that 0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:25.960 the like assumption put on me that I must also 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:31.200 like have that experience, and I actually don't think I 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:34.640 do in a weird way, and I think it's because 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.640 I'm trans. I kind of like am just outside of 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:40.480 that conversation and a lot of the things that like 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:45.880 stereotypically gay guys de sexualize about Asian men, like quote 0:15:45.920 --> 0:15:49.080 unquote like having a small deck, or like being like 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:52.480 smooth and hairless, or being like e femineate, which are 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:55.440 all stereotypes obviously, like they kind of don't apply to 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:58.440 me because I'm just like different from that. It's sort 0:15:58.440 --> 0:15:59.920 of like, well, yeah, of course I'm sort of a 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:02.520 I'm small, I'm smooth, I have a small dick quote 0:16:02.560 --> 0:16:05.840 unquote compared to you, I guess compared to others not 0:16:05.920 --> 0:16:11.720 so much. But anyway, yeah, I almost feel like I 0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:15.520 come from more of a legacy of like being like 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:20.800 a hyper sexualized Asian woman that I still think carries 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:25.000 over into my gay guy life. Weirdly, everybody's kind of 0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:28.240 always wanted to have sex with me, and it just 0:16:28.280 --> 0:16:31.160 has kind of changed, like where I'm standing and who's 0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:33.080 around me at any given time. 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:35.520 Please welcome to the pod The Fable, James Tom. 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:43.480 You don't have to say that everybody knows. Something that 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:49.640 I think is really interesting is rice queens are into me. Like. 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:53.160 It's very common, especially if I'm somewhere like San Francisco, 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:55.240 to like have some white guy hit me up and 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:57.320 I look at his stuff and he's like totally married 0:16:57.320 --> 0:16:59.800 to a little Asian twink and then a fucked up. 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:03.640 It can be affirming sometimes because I'm like, you're red, 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:10.040 I am exactly like. Something I'm curious about you guys, 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:14.520 is I watched your episode with Santos. Oh, yes, the 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:17.000 last time you had a trans guy on here, and 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:19.240 you were saying at the top of the episode that 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:22.280 you've hooked up with trans guys but you haven't, and 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:25.280 I am curious to know if that has changed. 0:17:25.720 --> 0:17:33.040 It seemed dramatically Okay, okay, she's chasing, but no, no, no, no, no, 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:33.560 I'm kidding. 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:34.720 I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:36.920 That's so funny because that is literally what stopped them 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:40.000 for I don't want to feel I'm fetishizing as people 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:41.000 want to get fucked. 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:45.520 They definitely do. Sure, we're also really easy, But I 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:48.240 was curious, Chris, since you're a non binary, do you 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:50.959 think that that made you feel more cautious? 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:51.800 Yeah? 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:55.240 I mean, and also like being black and totally like 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:59.119 those sexual experiences of being fetishized, Like I am hyper 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.000 conscious of it because I do not want to inflict 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:05.840 that same sort of that pain on someone else, because like, 0:18:05.920 --> 0:18:08.520 it's not great, especially when you're just runn to get laid. 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:13.160 When we come back after this brief break, we're gonna 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.280 get more advice from the one and only James Tom 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:25.399 don't go anywhere all right now. In this act, we're 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:29.119 going to put Dreams' skills as an unlicensed advice columnist 0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:30.160 to the test. 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:32.639 So I'm gonna ask who in the queer community do 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:34.840 you think is most in need of advice and what 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:35.880 would that advice be. 0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:38.639 I get a lot of advice questions from other trans 0:18:38.640 --> 0:18:41.960 guys asking me how do you navigate the CIS gay world. 0:18:42.560 --> 0:18:46.760 I almost never get questions from gay guys that are 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:50.159 like how do you like respectfully hook up with trans 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.760 man or with FTMS? Which I think is interesting that 0:18:53.840 --> 0:18:56.960 there's one demographic of people that cares a lot about 0:18:56.960 --> 0:18:59.960 doing something right and one demographic of people that seem 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:02.760 not to care at all. I feel like gay guys 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:04.240 should be asking me questions. 0:19:04.359 --> 0:19:06.600 What are the questions you think they should be asking? 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:08.639 The thing that comes to mind is the least sexy 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:12.360 question I can think of, but it's what they should 0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:16.240 be thinking about, which is like, how do I interact 0:19:16.840 --> 0:19:19.960 with a pussy in like a healthy way? And I 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:22.760 don't even mean like mentally and emotionally healthy, I mean 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:26.560 like literal, like hard tech, you know, germs and safety. 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:30.560 Literally that literally like you know what I literally never 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:33.320 thought about as a lesbian. I never thought I hope 0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:36.640 this girl washed her hands. But with every single man 0:19:36.800 --> 0:19:40.040 I encounter, I'm like, wait, wait, like I almost I 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:41.800 need to get better at this because I need to 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:43.960 get better at asserting my needs. But I almost want 0:19:43.960 --> 0:19:45.679 to ask guys to wash their hands as soon as 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:47.639 they come into my house, just because I don't know 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:48.280 where they've been. 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:51.080 If I can share this story, please, okay? So I 0:19:51.119 --> 0:19:53.639 love this we wered he from Tessa's birthday and we 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:54.560