WEBVTT - 5 Different Types of People We Fall in Love With & Why Seeking External Validation is Negatively Impacting You (Special Episode) 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.960 You attract what you use to impress. If we are 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:07.560 attracted to someone for their ambition, that's what we get 0:00:07.800 --> 0:00:11.760 a person whose priority is ambition. There's nothing wrong with 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:15.440 ambition until you realize that you want someone who has 0:00:15.520 --> 0:00:18.400 lots of time to share with you. Sometimes we feel 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:21.320 like none of the options before us are people we 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:23.920 want to date, and then we have to ask ourselves, 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:27.640 why are these my options? Why are we attracting these people, 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:37.320 and how can we attract the ones we want? Hey, everyone, 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:40.800 welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:43.000 in the world. Thanks to each and every one of 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:46.640 you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:51.720 and more healed. Now, today's episodes a special special episode 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:55.680 because I'm giving you Chapter two, Rule two of my 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:58.840 new book, Eight Rules of Love absolutely free. You're going 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:02.480 to hear the audio right now for free, and I 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:04.440 want you to go and grab a copy of the 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.720 audiobook if you don't already have it from eight Rules 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:09.959 of Love dot com. If you enjoy today, you're going 0:01:10.040 --> 0:01:12.640 to love the rest of the book. It's dedicated to 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:16.039 helping you find love, keep love, and let it go. 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:21.679 And today's chapter and rule is called don't ignore your karma. 0:01:21.920 --> 0:01:24.600 This episode is going to help you understand why you 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:28.640 always date the wrong people, why we make mistakes and 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:32.560 repeat patterns in relationships, and how we seem to end 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:34.800 up with the same person with a different face, a 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:37.320 different name, and a different body. But why is it 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:40.200 that we keep going back? Why are we attracted to 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:42.800 the same types of people? Have you ever felt that yourself? 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:45.320 I'll talk to you about the five types of people 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:47.680 that we all fall for as well. Maybe you heard 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:50.640 me speak to Alex Cooper about this briefly on Call 0:01:50.720 --> 0:01:53.920 Her Daddy. This is the rule and the chapter that 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:56.320 breaks it down for you. This is going to help 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:59.240 a lot of friends who've gone through a breakup, who've 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:03.440 been ruggling recently with love, or keep finding themselves in 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:06.440 the same types of relationships. So makes you pass it 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:09.079 on again. It's a special episode. You're getting Rule to 0:02:09.760 --> 0:02:13.160 chapter two of my new book, Absolutely Free, and if 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:15.640 you enjoy it, go and grab a copy of the 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:18.800 full audiobook in my voice at eight Rules of Love 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:21.520 dot com. And I'd love to invite you to come 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:25.280 and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:29.600 to j shettytour dot com. To learn more information about tickets, 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:33.240 VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you 0:02:33.320 --> 0:02:40.920 this year. Rule two, don't ignore your karma, do not 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:46.079 be led by others. Awaken your own mind, amass your 0:02:46.120 --> 0:02:52.960 own experience, and decide for yourself your own path Atharva Vader. 0:02:54.120 --> 0:02:58.200 When Johnny and Emmett met at an industry retreat, Emmett 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:02.320 sensed an instant connection. It felt like the most natural 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:05.840 thing in the world, he said. After a few dates, 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:09.560 we were spending every weekend together. He told me he 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:14.200 loved me. But after three months together, Johnny broke up 0:03:14.200 --> 0:03:17.880 with him. This is the third time someone has told 0:03:17.919 --> 0:03:21.119 me he can't give me what I want. But all 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:24.800 I want is a serious relationship. I just have bad 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:29.880 relationship karma. Emma told me he was right in a sense. 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:33.280 But karma doesn't mean what Emma or most people think. 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:37.920 Karma is the law of cause and effect. A reaction 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:44.040 produces a reaction. In other words, your current decisions, good 0:03:44.040 --> 0:03:49.560 and bad, determine your future experience. People think karma means 0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:52.960 that if you do something bad, bad things will happen 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:55.920 to you, like someone breaks up with you because you 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:59.320 broke up with someone else. But that's not how it works. 0:04:00.120 --> 0:04:02.880 Karma is more about the mindset in which we make 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:06.600 a decision. If we make a choice or take action 0:04:07.120 --> 0:04:12.120 with or without proper understanding, we receive a reaction based 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:15.560 on that choice. If you hide that you're going to 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:18.560 a party from your partner and then you run into 0:04:18.600 --> 0:04:21.680 their best friend at the party and that person tells 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:24.799 your partner they saw you, and your partner is upset, 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:29.479 that's karma in action. You made a choice and you 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:34.440 have to live with the consequences of that choice. Punishment 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:39.560 and reward are not karma's purpose. Rather, karme is trying 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:44.680 to teach you, in this case, transparency and honesty. I 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.560 don't want you to attribute every good or bad thing 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:51.640 in your life or the world to karma. That's not productive. 0:04:52.400 --> 0:04:55.960 Karma is more useful as a tool than as an explanation. 0:04:56.720 --> 0:05:00.520 It enables you to use your past experiences to make 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:08.279 the best choices now the karma cycle. Karma begins with 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:12.360 an impression. From the time we are born. Choices are 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:17.520 made for us. We're surrounded by information and experiences that 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:22.240 shape us our environment, our parents, our friends, our schooling 0:05:22.520 --> 0:05:27.720 and religious instruction. We don't pick these influences, but we 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:33.360 observe and absorb their messages. Some Scara is the Sanskrit 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:37.560 word for impression, and when we are young we collect 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:42.760 some scaras. The impressions that we carry from these experiences 0:05:43.240 --> 0:05:49.640 influence our thinking, behaviors, and responses. As an impression grows stronger, 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:53.720 it starts to shape our decisions. If you grew up 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:57.200 putting milk in your cereal bowl, then adding the cereal 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:00.919 that becomes your norm, then move out and get a 0:06:00.960 --> 0:06:04.080 roommate who tells you you're doing it wrong, that it 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:06.960 makes much more sense to put the cereal in before 0:06:07.000 --> 0:06:10.560 you add the milk. Now you have a choice. Will 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:13.599 you stick with the impression that you absorbed as a child, 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:17.400 or will you try a new way. As we get older, 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:22.400 we gain the intelligence to curate our impressions by choosing 0:06:22.400 --> 0:06:25.559 what we watch and who we listen to. We also 0:06:25.600 --> 0:06:30.840 have the opportunity to revisit, edit, and unlearn past impressions. 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:36.440 In youth, choices are made for you. These become impressions. 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:41.240 As an adult, you use these impressions to make your 0:06:41.240 --> 0:06:47.400 own choices. Those choices generate and effect a consequence or 0:06:47.440 --> 0:06:51.599 a reaction. If you're happy with the consequence. You probably 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:55.720 won't change your impression, but if you don't like the consequence, 0:06:56.279 --> 0:07:00.400 you can revisit the impression and decide whether it's steered wrong. 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:04.960 If it did, you can break the cycle by forming 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:08.560 a new impression, which then steers you to a new 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:13.640 choice from which you get a new reaction. This is 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:17.320 the cycle of karma. We are meant to learn from 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:20.960 our karma, to use it to inform our decision making, 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:25.119 but that isn't easy. Life is busy and we think 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:27.680 that what we learned is just the way things are. 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:32.560 But when it comes to love and cereal awesome scars 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:39.800 can lead us astray karma and relationships. I had a 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:44.000 client whose ex boyfriend left an impression on her. He 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:47.440 was extremely ambitious, trying to get a foothold in a 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:51.840 new career. She liked his drive, but was unhappy that 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:55.520 he was never available. Then she met a man who 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:58.760 was extremely attentive. At the end of their first date, 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:02.000 he asked her out again, and from then on he 0:08:02.040 --> 0:08:06.560 couldn't have been more available, texting her, making plans, and 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:09.960 checking in to see how her days were going. This 0:08:10.120 --> 0:08:14.120 was exactly what she'd been looking for. Within a few weeks, 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:18.800 they started spending almost all their time together. But after 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:22.480 a few months she realized what was really going on. 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:28.360 He wasn't just attentive, he was obsessive. The attention he 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:33.120 was giving her was based on insecurity, not love. He 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:37.240 was possessive and scared that she would leave him. My 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:40.680 client had made a choice based on an impression, but 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:45.480 her focus was too narrow. Her karma taught her that 0:08:45.600 --> 0:08:50.360 her impression was too reactive. She didn't need or want 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:54.600 to be someone's entire focus. She just wanted him to 0:08:54.640 --> 0:08:57.920 be present when he was with her. In the course 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:02.960 of these two relationships, client used her karma to refine 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:06.839 what she was looking for in a mate. The impressions 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:09.920 we form in our youth tell us what love should 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:14.360 look like and feel like. They suggest what's attractive and 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:18.120 what's dorky, how we should treat others and be treated, 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:22.000 what profession they should have, and who should pay for dinner. 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:25.959 But if we don't understand how our impressions were formed 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.720 and how we make choices, then we keep repeating the 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:34.439 same karma. The same impressions lead to the same choices. 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:39.640 We love others in response to the way we've been 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:43.640 loved by others. But if we can put our impressions 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:48.080 in context so we see and understand their origins, then 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:52.520 we have the perspective and opportunity to form a new impression. 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:57.440 For instance, if I understand that I guilt trip my 0:09:57.559 --> 0:10:02.520 partner because my mother guilt ripped me, then that recognition 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:08.160 inspires me to break the cycle. Understanding our impressions is 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:12.080 the first step to freeing ourselves from the some scaras 0:10:12.120 --> 0:10:15.760 planted by a childhood over which we had no control. 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:20.120 The choices that we make based on our new impression 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:24.640 are conscious. We can see if we like the results better. 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:29.800 If our parents had a volatile, passionate relationship, we might 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:33.160 form an impression that this is what love is supposed 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:37.200 to look like. But if and sometimes we realize this 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:40.240 when we're young, we are quite clear that we don't 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:43.960 like the outcome of that volatility, then we create a 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:48.000 new impression and decide that the love we seek is 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:52.360 exactly not what our parents modeled. Then we might make 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:56.800 it a priority to avoid drama. This new impression may 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:00.840 create its own challenges. We may play to day, or 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:03.839 we may be so focused on what we don't want 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:06.560 that we forget to think about what we do want. 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:10.960 But we have opened our minds and freed ourselves from 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:14.800 our first samscara, and now we have the opportunity to 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:19.480 create new impressions through trial and error. Karma is a 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:23.320 mirror showing us where our choices have led us. We 0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:27.360 picked the wrong people and repeat mistakes in relationships because 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:30.280 of the samskaras we bring with us from the past. 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:35.400 Instead of unconsciously allowing the past to guide us, I 0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:38.960 want us to learn from our past to make decisions. 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:43.520 We need to identify these smscaras in order to manage 0:11:43.559 --> 0:11:49.440 their influence. We do this for two reasons. First, when 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:53.520 we learn from the past, we heal it, and second, 0:11:54.240 --> 0:12:01.880 this process helps us stop making the same mistakes. Unearthing 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:08.640 are some scars. Our expectations and desires around relationships are 0:12:08.720 --> 0:12:13.480 shaped by our earliest experiences of love. Think about where 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.000 you first absorbed ideas of what love should look and 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:21.360 feel like. The strongest influences are most likely the love 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:24.520 you witnessed between your parents or guardians, the love you 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:28.560 did and didn't receive from them, the first romance movies 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:33.880 you watched, and the first serious relationships you had. In 0:12:33.880 --> 0:12:38.280 our search for love, we subconsciously try to repeat or 0:12:38.400 --> 0:12:44.840 repair our past experiences. We imitate or reject, but we 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:49.440 often give these early influences under you weight. They affect 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:53.679 our choices for better and worse. They interfere with our 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:58.920 judgment more than we realize. Let's begin with the visualization. 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:02.480 We're trying to let go of who we are and 0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:07.600 to reconnect with a subconscious part of ourselves, and visualization 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:10.679 is the best way I know to travel to another 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:19.240 time and place. Try this younger self meditation. Try to 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:24.240 unearth the impressions left by your past and understand how 0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:29.160 they're influencing your idea of love. This isn't about finding 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:32.640 fault in others or putting them on a pedestal. It's 0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:37.640 simply about isolating the emotional patterns that influenced you in 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:42.440 your early years. You can think of this meditation as 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:48.000 an archeological dig. There are artifacts to be found, some 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:55.360 buried treasures, some half exposed, some worthless. They showed the 0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:59.280 richness and damage of years past and have much to 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:07.000 teach us about life. Tap into unresolved, unfulfilled desires by 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:15.880 visiting yourself at age thirteen or fourteen, give your younger 0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:25.280 self all the words wisdom and hugs they need. Embrace 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:32.960 your younger self. What did your younger self need to 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:44.160 hear that? You were never told you're beautiful, you're courageous, 0:14:46.760 --> 0:15:00.080 believe in yourself, You'll be okay, you're not stupid. What 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:07.520 would your younger self say in response? Thank you for 0:15:07.640 --> 0:15:13.400 coming back to tell me this. Don't be so stressed. 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:21.760 You should take up singing again. After you have had 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:26.400 this conversation with your younger self, give that version of 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:32.960 you and embrace and thank them for this insight. When 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:37.040 I guide people through this meditation, most of them find 0:15:37.240 --> 0:15:40.400 that they had some sort of insecurity in their youth, 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:44.600 and that child is still within them, still struggling with 0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:49.280 that self doubt. However, one man told me after the 0:15:49.320 --> 0:15:53.000 meditation that his younger self looked at him and said, 0:15:53.640 --> 0:15:57.200 come on, man, get over it. Just pick yourself up 0:15:57.240 --> 0:16:00.720 and move on. It felt to me like his younger 0:16:00.800 --> 0:16:05.000 self was saying, tough it out. We're strong, we can 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:12.840 handle anything. His ego was protecting his vulnerability, even if 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:17.080 we feel there's nothing to heal. Sometimes the wounds are 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:21.920 so deep we can't see them anymore. We take a 0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:26.640 stoic approach. We tell ourselves. We're fine, but we don't 0:16:26.680 --> 0:16:31.280 recognize that we must take stock cut two a year later, 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:35.280 when this man messaged me out of the blue to say, 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:38.840 I realize I need to become more compassionate with the 0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:43.360 people I love and myself. It's just not how I'm wired. 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:46.360 I don't feel like I have time to dwell on 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:52.320 other people's thoughts and emotions. I answered, you don't take 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:56.920 the time to dwell on your own emotions. It had 0:16:56.960 --> 0:17:01.800 taken him a year that he was finally ready the 0:17:01.960 --> 0:17:07.000 younger self. Meditation helps us identify the gifts and the 0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:10.920 gaps that have clung to us since childhood. But this 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:14.399 is only the first step toward letting go of bad 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:19.560 impressions and taking control of the choices we make in relationships. 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:25.400 To go deeper, we'll examine three influences on our some scars, 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:30.119 our parents, the media, and our first experiences of love 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:39.199 parental gifts and gaps. In the New York Times, Modern 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:44.160 Love column writer Coco Meller's describes falling for a neighbor 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:47.440 who makes it clear to her that he doesn't want 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:51.000 to be in a relationship. She knows she is lying 0:17:51.040 --> 0:17:54.760 to him when she says she doesn't want anything serious either, 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:58.479 and admits that though I didn't know it at the time, 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:03.160 I was repeating a familiar pattern. I grew up chasing 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:07.200 my father's love, a man who, like my neighbor, could 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:13.560 be affectionate or absent, depending on the day. Martha Pita 0:18:13.640 --> 0:18:18.719 Guru devon is a sanscrit phrase much repeated in Hinduism. 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:27.040 It means mother, father, teacher, God. Your mother is your 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:32.159 first guru. She teaches you about love, She teaches you 0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:37.520 about care not through instruction, but through her interactions with you, 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:42.000 and father is right there next to her. Of course, 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:47.159 it's a basic Freudian principle that the early relationships we 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:52.720 have with our parents and caregivers established relationship dynamics that, 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:58.360 like Mellers, were compelled to replicate as adults. When we're young, 0:18:58.960 --> 0:19:02.520 we completely lie on our parents, and we figure out 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:06.679 ways to attract their attention, to inspire their affection, and 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:11.160 to feel their love. The love they give us shapes 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:15.960 how we engage in love. Martha Peita Guru devm is 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:22.000 a simple concept with far reaching implications. In their book 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:27.919 A General Theory of Love, Thomas Lewis, Fariamini and Richard 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:32.399 Lannon who were all professors of psychiatry at the University 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:38.240 of California, San Francisco. Right, we play out our unconscious 0:19:38.280 --> 0:19:42.679 knowledge in every unthinking move we make in the dance 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:47.320 of loving. If a child has the right parents, he 0:19:47.440 --> 0:19:54.720 learns the right principles that love means protection, caretaking, loyalty, sacrifice. 0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:58.600 He comes to know it not because he's told, but 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:03.399 because his brain ought tuomatically narrows crowded confusion into a 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:09.040 few regular prototypes. If he has emotionally unhealthy parents, a 0:20:09.160 --> 0:20:14.600 child unwittingly memorizes the lesson of their troubled relationship. That 0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:20.200 love is suffocation, that anger is terrifying, that dependence is humiliating, 0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:25.040 or one of a million other crippling variations. But I 0:20:25.080 --> 0:20:29.160 believe that even the child with the right parents faces 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:33.760 their own challenges when it comes to finding love. If 0:20:33.800 --> 0:20:38.240 a child grows up seeing love is protection, caretaking, loyalty, 0:20:38.400 --> 0:20:43.879 and sacrifice, that's what they identify as love. Unless our 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:47.960 childhood experiences were traumatic, and often even if they were, 0:20:48.560 --> 0:20:52.119 we tend to view them as normal. Then, when we 0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:56.240 are loved by someone who shows it differently, for example, 0:20:56.440 --> 0:21:01.320 through joy, time and abundance, it may take us longer 0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:06.560 to notice and appreciate those qualities as genuine expressions of love. 0:21:07.800 --> 0:21:11.000 If your parents loved you, you might become a good 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:14.640 and kind person, or you might hold those you meet 0:21:15.040 --> 0:21:19.520 to an impossible standard of love. Unless we do this 0:21:19.560 --> 0:21:24.440 work of examining our some scars, we're often unaware of 0:21:24.480 --> 0:21:28.119 these impressions. We just assume the way we think and 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:32.800 feel is the reasonable response. In this way, the gifts 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:37.359 our parents give us can create as many pitfalls as 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:40.880 the gaps. If there is a gap in how our 0:21:40.920 --> 0:21:44.480 parents raised us, we look to others to fill it, 0:21:45.320 --> 0:21:47.840 And if there is a gift in how our parents 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:51.520 raised us, we look to others to give us the same. 0:21:53.240 --> 0:21:56.280 My mother's love for me was a gift. It enabled 0:21:56.320 --> 0:21:59.240 me to give love to others, but my parents never 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:02.680 went to my rug matches. Because of that gap, I 0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:06.600 first looked for validation from my peers. I wanted my 0:22:06.680 --> 0:22:09.639 friends at school to think I was strong and tough, 0:22:10.040 --> 0:22:13.199 because I was eager for some kind of support that 0:22:13.320 --> 0:22:16.600 I didn't get at home. By the time I became 0:22:16.640 --> 0:22:20.240 a monk, I still hadn't found a way to satisfy 0:22:20.359 --> 0:22:24.800 my longing for validation. But during my studies at the ushroom, 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:29.520 I looked in the karma mirror and realized that even 0:22:29.560 --> 0:22:33.240 when I did get the validation I yearned for, I 0:22:33.440 --> 0:22:39.399 was never satisfied. Even when I received authentic, positive feedback 0:22:39.440 --> 0:22:44.560 from others, I was never satisfied. And I think this 0:22:44.680 --> 0:22:48.359 is often true that it's hard for others to truly 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:52.360 understand what we go through to get a good result. 0:22:53.520 --> 0:23:00.000 We first seek validation from those closest to us. Then unsatis, 0:23:01.000 --> 0:23:06.439 we look for it from everyone, and finally we find 0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:10.199 it in ourselves. It was the gap that my parents 0:23:10.240 --> 0:23:14.560 created that eventually taught me this lesson. I had to 0:23:14.600 --> 0:23:19.640 be happy with myself. Parental gifts and gaps play out 0:23:19.680 --> 0:23:24.200 in various ways in our relationships. My parents always gave 0:23:24.200 --> 0:23:27.879 me gifts that made me feel special on my birthday, 0:23:27.880 --> 0:23:33.000 whereas Radi's Famili's gift to her was quality time. These 0:23:33.160 --> 0:23:36.879 are cherished aspects of each of our childhoods, But on 0:23:36.960 --> 0:23:40.720 my birthday, Radi might give me quality time when I'm 0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:44.320 expecting a gift. The more or where we are of 0:23:44.320 --> 0:23:48.080 our expectations and where they came from, the more we 0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:53.240 can communicate our needs and adapt to our partners. We 0:23:53.359 --> 0:23:56.560 all respond differently to the gifts and gaps we faced. 0:23:57.160 --> 0:24:00.280 If you saw your parents argue, you might grow up 0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:04.720 to be argumentative or defensive, or you might heal yourself 0:24:04.760 --> 0:24:08.000 from it and make a conscious effort not to treat 0:24:08.040 --> 0:24:11.880 others that way. Or you might help others work through 0:24:11.920 --> 0:24:16.480 their conflicts. If your parents create a volatile household, you 0:24:16.600 --> 0:24:19.520 might try to keep the peace at all times and 0:24:19.680 --> 0:24:24.639 hide your true feelings. Karma lets us choose how to respond, 0:24:25.080 --> 0:24:29.720 and the options can be subtle and varied. This isn't 0:24:29.720 --> 0:24:33.200 about being right or wrong. We're looking for where we 0:24:33.240 --> 0:24:37.440 have used our karma in ways that have benefited our relationships, 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:41.880 and where we are still making unconscious choices. If your 0:24:41.920 --> 0:24:44.439 father was a jerk, you might date a bunch of 0:24:44.520 --> 0:24:47.919 jerks until you finally wise up and settle down with 0:24:48.000 --> 0:24:52.879 a nice guy. This is learning the lesson of karma. 0:24:53.040 --> 0:24:55.800 Many of us feel like we didn't get the right upbringing. 0:24:56.240 --> 0:24:59.040 This could be anything from not having our basic needs 0:24:59.040 --> 0:25:02.520 taken care of to not having opportunities that would have 0:25:02.600 --> 0:25:05.840 helped us get a better footing in life. Even if 0:25:05.840 --> 0:25:09.720 our parents believe in us, encourage our strengths, assure us 0:25:09.760 --> 0:25:12.880 that our disappointments aren't the end of the world and 0:25:13.000 --> 0:25:17.639 consistently scaffold our confidence in other ways. They can't hand 0:25:17.760 --> 0:25:22.000 us a perfectly developed psyche in a neatly wrapped package. 0:25:22.680 --> 0:25:27.200 And many parents themselves struggle with self confidence, self esteem, 0:25:27.320 --> 0:25:31.680 self improvement, self love, self care. It's hard for them 0:25:31.720 --> 0:25:35.159 to pass these qualities onto their kids when they have 0:25:35.320 --> 0:25:39.640 their own challenges. It might sound like we're doomed, but 0:25:39.680 --> 0:25:43.200 I promise you we're not. We're just focusing too much 0:25:43.400 --> 0:25:46.520 on what our parents should have done or wishing they'd 0:25:46.520 --> 0:25:51.520 behave differently, rather than figuring out what we ourselves can do. 0:25:52.760 --> 0:25:56.480 No matter how imperfect a situation we were born into, 0:25:57.080 --> 0:26:00.320 we can learn from our karma and use it to 0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:07.520 guide us into and through the relationship we want. Try this. 0:26:08.600 --> 0:26:16.359 Identify parental gifts and gaps memories. Write down three of 0:26:16.440 --> 0:26:21.919 your best memories from your childhood. Write down three of 0:26:21.920 --> 0:26:28.360 your worst memories from your childhood. Identify a challenging time 0:26:28.400 --> 0:26:33.440 in your childhood. Did your parents help you through it? How? 0:26:34.200 --> 0:26:38.679 How did it affect you? Your answers may not be 0:26:38.800 --> 0:26:42.600 black or white. A loving response might have soothed you, 0:26:43.280 --> 0:26:47.320 or it might have fostered a dependent relationship. A harsh 0:26:47.359 --> 0:26:52.000 response might have damaged your self esteem or built your resilience. 0:26:53.000 --> 0:26:56.000 What matters isn't whether your parents were the best parents 0:26:56.000 --> 0:26:58.880 in the world. It's a question of how their treatment 0:26:58.920 --> 0:27:05.920 of you played out in your development. Expectations. What expectations 0:27:06.000 --> 0:27:10.880 did your parents have of you? Did these expectations motivate you, 0:27:11.880 --> 0:27:15.959 put pressure on you? How do they affect your relationships? 0:27:17.480 --> 0:27:20.840 If your parents expected you to achieve a certain level 0:27:20.840 --> 0:27:24.119 of success or to be in a relationship with a 0:27:24.200 --> 0:27:28.840 certain kind of person, you might either be unnecessarily attached 0:27:28.880 --> 0:27:32.440 to that outcome or you may have reacted against it. 0:27:33.440 --> 0:27:36.480 How had those forces still at play in your life. 0:27:37.640 --> 0:27:40.800 I had a friend whose parents drilled it into her 0:27:41.200 --> 0:27:45.200 that she should marry someone ambitious. But her last boyfriend 0:27:45.359 --> 0:27:48.399 broke up with her because, as he put it, I 0:27:48.480 --> 0:27:51.679 don't want to be your business partner. I want to 0:27:51.720 --> 0:27:55.280 be your boyfriend. She had to let go of what 0:27:55.400 --> 0:27:59.439 her parents wanted for her and rethink her ideas of 0:27:59.520 --> 0:28:05.280 what a partners should be modeling. What elements of a 0:28:05.359 --> 0:28:11.320 relationship did your parents model that you liked disliked. So 0:28:11.359 --> 0:28:16.280 often in relationships we reject or repeat what our parents did. 0:28:17.000 --> 0:28:20.960 If they argued you may avoid conflict if they had 0:28:21.000 --> 0:28:24.560 a certain power dynamic. You may expect the same in 0:28:24.600 --> 0:28:30.600 your relationship or avoid it at all costs. Emotional support. 0:28:31.800 --> 0:28:35.240 What kind of love and emotional support do you wish 0:28:35.320 --> 0:28:40.360 your parents had given you? What did you miss out on? 0:28:40.360 --> 0:28:43.360 Once you become aware of a gift or gap that 0:28:43.400 --> 0:28:50.320 you're bringing to relationships, you can start to address it. One. Recognize. 0:28:51.120 --> 0:28:54.480 The first step is to recognize where and when that 0:28:54.600 --> 0:28:58.600 impression steers you wrong. Does it come up on social 0:28:58.640 --> 0:29:02.960 media with the particular group of people when you try 0:29:03.000 --> 0:29:09.560 to celebrate with your partner when you travel. Two remind yourself. 0:29:10.480 --> 0:29:13.760 The reminder is a note to yourself about how you 0:29:13.800 --> 0:29:17.360 want to be or don't want to be. Set a 0:29:17.400 --> 0:29:20.400 reminder that will catch you in the moment when you're 0:29:20.480 --> 0:29:23.080 at risk for acting in a way you'd rather not. 0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:27.160 Do you have a challenger head where you will expect 0:29:27.200 --> 0:29:30.760 a kind of support that your partner doesn't usually give. 0:29:32.040 --> 0:29:35.800 Are you jealous when you see your partner interacting in groups? 0:29:37.000 --> 0:29:40.600 Does a certain kind of behavior always trigger your anger 0:29:41.720 --> 0:29:45.800 before the moment happens. Find a way to remind yourself 0:29:46.080 --> 0:29:49.680 that you want to change in that moment, time and 0:29:49.840 --> 0:29:53.320