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Speaker 1: You attract what you use to impress. If we are

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Speaker 1: attracted to someone for their ambition, that's what we get

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Speaker 1: a person whose priority is ambition. There's nothing wrong with

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Speaker 1: ambition until you realize that you want someone who has

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Speaker 1: lots of time to share with you. Sometimes we feel

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Speaker 1: like none of the options before us are people we

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Speaker 1: want to date, and then we have to ask ourselves,

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Speaker 1: why are these my options? Why are we attracting these people,

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Speaker 1: and how can we attract the ones we want? Hey, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast

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Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of

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Speaker 1: you that come back every week to become happier, healthier,

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Speaker 1: and more healed. Now, today's episodes a special special episode

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Speaker 1: because I'm giving you Chapter two, Rule two of my

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Speaker 1: new book, Eight Rules of Love absolutely free. You're going

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Speaker 1: to hear the audio right now for free, and I

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Speaker 1: want you to go and grab a copy of the

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Speaker 1: audiobook if you don't already have it from eight Rules

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Speaker 1: of Love dot com. If you enjoy today, you're going

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Speaker 1: to love the rest of the book. It's dedicated to

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Speaker 1: helping you find love, keep love, and let it go.

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Speaker 1: And today's chapter and rule is called don't ignore your karma.

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Speaker 1: This episode is going to help you understand why you

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Speaker 1: always date the wrong people, why we make mistakes and

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Speaker 1: repeat patterns in relationships, and how we seem to end

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Speaker 1: up with the same person with a different face, a

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Speaker 1: different name, and a different body. But why is it

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Speaker 1: that we keep going back? Why are we attracted to

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Speaker 1: the same types of people? Have you ever felt that yourself?

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Speaker 1: I'll talk to you about the five types of people

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Speaker 1: that we all fall for as well. Maybe you heard

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Speaker 1: me speak to Alex Cooper about this briefly on Call

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Speaker 1: Her Daddy. This is the rule and the chapter that

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Speaker 1: breaks it down for you. This is going to help

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Speaker 1: a lot of friends who've gone through a breakup, who've

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Speaker 1: been ruggling recently with love, or keep finding themselves in

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Speaker 1: the same types of relationships. So makes you pass it

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Speaker 1: on again. It's a special episode. You're getting Rule to

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Speaker 1: chapter two of my new book, Absolutely Free, and if

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Speaker 1: you enjoy it, go and grab a copy of the

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Speaker 1: full audiobook in my voice at eight Rules of Love

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Speaker 1: dot com. And I'd love to invite you to come

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Speaker 1: and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go

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Speaker 1: to j shettytour dot com. To learn more information about tickets,

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Speaker 1: VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you

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Speaker 1: this year. Rule two, don't ignore your karma, do not

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Speaker 1: be led by others. Awaken your own mind, amass your

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Speaker 1: own experience, and decide for yourself your own path Atharva Vader.

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Speaker 1: When Johnny and Emmett met at an industry retreat, Emmett

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Speaker 1: sensed an instant connection. It felt like the most natural

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Speaker 1: thing in the world, he said. After a few dates,

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Speaker 1: we were spending every weekend together. He told me he

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Speaker 1: loved me. But after three months together, Johnny broke up

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Speaker 1: with him. This is the third time someone has told

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Speaker 1: me he can't give me what I want. But all

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Speaker 1: I want is a serious relationship. I just have bad

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Speaker 1: relationship karma. Emma told me he was right in a sense.

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Speaker 1: But karma doesn't mean what Emma or most people think.

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Speaker 1: Karma is the law of cause and effect. A reaction

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Speaker 1: produces a reaction. In other words, your current decisions, good

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Speaker 1: and bad, determine your future experience. People think karma means

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Speaker 1: that if you do something bad, bad things will happen

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Speaker 1: to you, like someone breaks up with you because you

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Speaker 1: broke up with someone else. But that's not how it works.

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Speaker 1: Karma is more about the mindset in which we make

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Speaker 1: a decision. If we make a choice or take action

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Speaker 1: with or without proper understanding, we receive a reaction based

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Speaker 1: on that choice. If you hide that you're going to

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Speaker 1: a party from your partner and then you run into

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Speaker 1: their best friend at the party and that person tells

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Speaker 1: your partner they saw you, and your partner is upset,

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Speaker 1: that's karma in action. You made a choice and you

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Speaker 1: have to live with the consequences of that choice. Punishment

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Speaker 1: and reward are not karma's purpose. Rather, karme is trying

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Speaker 1: to teach you, in this case, transparency and honesty. I

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Speaker 1: don't want you to attribute every good or bad thing

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Speaker 1: in your life or the world to karma. That's not productive.

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Speaker 1: Karma is more useful as a tool than as an explanation.

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Speaker 1: It enables you to use your past experiences to make

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Speaker 1: the best choices now the karma cycle. Karma begins with

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Speaker 1: an impression. From the time we are born. Choices are

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Speaker 1: made for us. We're surrounded by information and experiences that

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Speaker 1: shape us our environment, our parents, our friends, our schooling

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Speaker 1: and religious instruction. We don't pick these influences, but we

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Speaker 1: observe and absorb their messages. Some Scara is the Sanskrit

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Speaker 1: word for impression, and when we are young we collect

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Speaker 1: some scaras. The impressions that we carry from these experiences

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Speaker 1: influence our thinking, behaviors, and responses. As an impression grows stronger,

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Speaker 1: it starts to shape our decisions. If you grew up

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Speaker 1: putting milk in your cereal bowl, then adding the cereal

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Speaker 1: that becomes your norm, then move out and get a

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Speaker 1: roommate who tells you you're doing it wrong, that it

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Speaker 1: makes much more sense to put the cereal in before

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Speaker 1: you add the milk. Now you have a choice. Will

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Speaker 1: you stick with the impression that you absorbed as a child,

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Speaker 1: or will you try a new way. As we get older,

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Speaker 1: we gain the intelligence to curate our impressions by choosing

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Speaker 1: what we watch and who we listen to. We also

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Speaker 1: have the opportunity to revisit, edit, and unlearn past impressions.

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Speaker 1: In youth, choices are made for you. These become impressions.

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Speaker 1: As an adult, you use these impressions to make your

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Speaker 1: own choices. Those choices generate and effect a consequence or

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Speaker 1: a reaction. If you're happy with the consequence. You probably

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Speaker 1: won't change your impression, but if you don't like the consequence,

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Speaker 1: you can revisit the impression and decide whether it's steered wrong.

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Speaker 1: If it did, you can break the cycle by forming

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Speaker 1: a new impression, which then steers you to a new

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Speaker 1: choice from which you get a new reaction. This is

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Speaker 1: the cycle of karma. We are meant to learn from

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Speaker 1: our karma, to use it to inform our decision making,

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Speaker 1: but that isn't easy. Life is busy and we think

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Speaker 1: that what we learned is just the way things are.

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Speaker 1: But when it comes to love and cereal awesome scars

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Speaker 1: can lead us astray karma and relationships. I had a

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Speaker 1: client whose ex boyfriend left an impression on her. He

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Speaker 1: was extremely ambitious, trying to get a foothold in a

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Speaker 1: new career. She liked his drive, but was unhappy that

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Speaker 1: he was never available. Then she met a man who

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Speaker 1: was extremely attentive. At the end of their first date,

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Speaker 1: he asked her out again, and from then on he

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Speaker 1: couldn't have been more available, texting her, making plans, and

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Speaker 1: checking in to see how her days were going. This

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Speaker 1: was exactly what she'd been looking for. Within a few weeks,

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Speaker 1: they started spending almost all their time together. But after

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Speaker 1: a few months she realized what was really going on.

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Speaker 1: He wasn't just attentive, he was obsessive. The attention he

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Speaker 1: was giving her was based on insecurity, not love. He

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Speaker 1: was possessive and scared that she would leave him. My

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Speaker 1: client had made a choice based on an impression, but

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Speaker 1: her focus was too narrow. Her karma taught her that

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Speaker 1: her impression was too reactive. She didn't need or want

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Speaker 1: to be someone's entire focus. She just wanted him to

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Speaker 1: be present when he was with her. In the course

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Speaker 1: of these two relationships, client used her karma to refine

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Speaker 1: what she was looking for in a mate. The impressions

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Speaker 1: we form in our youth tell us what love should

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Speaker 1: look like and feel like. They suggest what's attractive and

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Speaker 1: what's dorky, how we should treat others and be treated,

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Speaker 1: what profession they should have, and who should pay for dinner.

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Speaker 1: But if we don't understand how our impressions were formed

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Speaker 1: and how we make choices, then we keep repeating the

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Speaker 1: same karma. The same impressions lead to the same choices.

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Speaker 1: We love others in response to the way we've been

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Speaker 1: loved by others. But if we can put our impressions

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Speaker 1: in context so we see and understand their origins, then

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Speaker 1: we have the perspective and opportunity to form a new impression.

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Speaker 1: For instance, if I understand that I guilt trip my

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Speaker 1: partner because my mother guilt ripped me, then that recognition

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Speaker 1: inspires me to break the cycle. Understanding our impressions is

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Speaker 1: the first step to freeing ourselves from the some scaras

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Speaker 1: planted by a childhood over which we had no control.

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Speaker 1: The choices that we make based on our new impression

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Speaker 1: are conscious. We can see if we like the results better.

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Speaker 1: If our parents had a volatile, passionate relationship, we might

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Speaker 1: form an impression that this is what love is supposed

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Speaker 1: to look like. But if and sometimes we realize this

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Speaker 1: when we're young, we are quite clear that we don't

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Speaker 1: like the outcome of that volatility, then we create a

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Speaker 1: new impression and decide that the love we seek is

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Speaker 1: exactly not what our parents modeled. Then we might make

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Speaker 1: it a priority to avoid drama. This new impression may

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Speaker 1: create its own challenges. We may play to day, or

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Speaker 1: we may be so focused on what we don't want

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Speaker 1: that we forget to think about what we do want.

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Speaker 1: But we have opened our minds and freed ourselves from

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Speaker 1: our first samscara, and now we have the opportunity to

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Speaker 1: create new impressions through trial and error. Karma is a

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Speaker 1: mirror showing us where our choices have led us. We

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Speaker 1: picked the wrong people and repeat mistakes in relationships because

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Speaker 1: of the samskaras we bring with us from the past.

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Speaker 1: Instead of unconsciously allowing the past to guide us, I

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Speaker 1: want us to learn from our past to make decisions.

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Speaker 1: We need to identify these smscaras in order to manage

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Speaker 1: their influence. We do this for two reasons. First, when

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Speaker 1: we learn from the past, we heal it, and second,

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Speaker 1: this process helps us stop making the same mistakes. Unearthing

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Speaker 1: are some scars. Our expectations and desires around relationships are

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Speaker 1: shaped by our earliest experiences of love. Think about where

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Speaker 1: you first absorbed ideas of what love should look and

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Speaker 1: feel like. The strongest influences are most likely the love

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Speaker 1: you witnessed between your parents or guardians, the love you

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Speaker 1: did and didn't receive from them, the first romance movies

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Speaker 1: you watched, and the first serious relationships you had. In

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Speaker 1: our search for love, we subconsciously try to repeat or

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Speaker 1: repair our past experiences. We imitate or reject, but we

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Speaker 1: often give these early influences under you weight. They affect

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Speaker 1: our choices for better and worse. They interfere with our

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Speaker 1: judgment more than we realize. Let's begin with the visualization.

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Speaker 1: We're trying to let go of who we are and

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Speaker 1: to reconnect with a subconscious part of ourselves, and visualization

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Speaker 1: is the best way I know to travel to another

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Speaker 1: time and place. Try this younger self meditation. Try to

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Speaker 1: unearth the impressions left by your past and understand how

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Speaker 1: they're influencing your idea of love. This isn't about finding

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Speaker 1: fault in others or putting them on a pedestal. It's

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Speaker 1: simply about isolating the emotional patterns that influenced you in

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Speaker 1: your early years. You can think of this meditation as

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Speaker 1: an archeological dig. There are artifacts to be found, some

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Speaker 1: buried treasures, some half exposed, some worthless. They showed the

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Speaker 1: richness and damage of years past and have much to

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Speaker 1: teach us about life. Tap into unresolved, unfulfilled desires by

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Speaker 1: visiting yourself at age thirteen or fourteen, give your younger

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Speaker 1: self all the words wisdom and hugs they need. Embrace

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Speaker 1: your younger self. What did your younger self need to

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Speaker 1: hear that? You were never told you're beautiful, you're courageous,

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Speaker 1: believe in yourself, You'll be okay, you're not stupid. What

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Speaker 1: would your younger self say in response? Thank you for

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Speaker 1: coming back to tell me this. Don't be so stressed.

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Speaker 1: You should take up singing again. After you have had

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Speaker 1: this conversation with your younger self, give that version of

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Speaker 1: you and embrace and thank them for this insight. When

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Speaker 1: I guide people through this meditation, most of them find

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Speaker 1: that they had some sort of insecurity in their youth,

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Speaker 1: and that child is still within them, still struggling with

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Speaker 1: that self doubt. However, one man told me after the

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Speaker 1: meditation that his younger self looked at him and said,

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Speaker 1: come on, man, get over it. Just pick yourself up

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Speaker 1: and move on. It felt to me like his younger

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Speaker 1: self was saying, tough it out. We're strong, we can

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Speaker 1: handle anything. His ego was protecting his vulnerability, even if

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Speaker 1: we feel there's nothing to heal. Sometimes the wounds are

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Speaker 1: so deep we can't see them anymore. We take a

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Speaker 1: stoic approach. We tell ourselves. We're fine, but we don't

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Speaker 1: recognize that we must take stock cut two a year later,

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Speaker 1: when this man messaged me out of the blue to say,

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Speaker 1: I realize I need to become more compassionate with the

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Speaker 1: people I love and myself. It's just not how I'm wired.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like I have time to dwell on

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Speaker 1: other people's thoughts and emotions. I answered, you don't take

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Speaker 1: the time to dwell on your own emotions. It had

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Speaker 1: taken him a year that he was finally ready the

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Speaker 1: younger self. Meditation helps us identify the gifts and the

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Speaker 1: gaps that have clung to us since childhood. But this

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Speaker 1: is only the first step toward letting go of bad

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Speaker 1: impressions and taking control of the choices we make in relationships.

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Speaker 1: To go deeper, we'll examine three influences on our some scars,

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Speaker 1: our parents, the media, and our first experiences of love

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Speaker 1: parental gifts and gaps. In the New York Times, Modern

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Speaker 1: Love column writer Coco Meller's describes falling for a neighbor

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Speaker 1: who makes it clear to her that he doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to be in a relationship. She knows she is lying

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Speaker 1: to him when she says she doesn't want anything serious either,

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Speaker 1: and admits that though I didn't know it at the time,

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Speaker 1: I was repeating a familiar pattern. I grew up chasing

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Speaker 1: my father's love, a man who, like my neighbor, could

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Speaker 1: be affectionate or absent, depending on the day. Martha Pita

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Speaker 1: Guru devon is a sanscrit phrase much repeated in Hinduism.

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Speaker 1: It means mother, father, teacher, God. Your mother is your

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Speaker 1: first guru. She teaches you about love, She teaches you

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Speaker 1: about care not through instruction, but through her interactions with you,

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Speaker 1: and father is right there next to her. Of course,

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Speaker 1: it's a basic Freudian principle that the early relationships we

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Speaker 1: have with our parents and caregivers established relationship dynamics that,

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Speaker 1: like Mellers, were compelled to replicate as adults. When we're young,

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Speaker 1: we completely lie on our parents, and we figure out

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Speaker 1: ways to attract their attention, to inspire their affection, and

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Speaker 1: to feel their love. The love they give us shapes

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Speaker 1: how we engage in love. Martha Peita Guru devm is

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Speaker 1: a simple concept with far reaching implications. In their book

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Speaker 1: A General Theory of Love, Thomas Lewis, Fariamini and Richard

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Speaker 1: Lannon who were all professors of psychiatry at the University

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Speaker 1: of California, San Francisco. Right, we play out our unconscious

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Speaker 1: knowledge in every unthinking move we make in the dance

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Speaker 1: of loving. If a child has the right parents, he

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Speaker 1: learns the right principles that love means protection, caretaking, loyalty, sacrifice.

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Speaker 1: He comes to know it not because he's told, but

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Speaker 1: because his brain ought tuomatically narrows crowded confusion into a

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Speaker 1: few regular prototypes. If he has emotionally unhealthy parents, a

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Speaker 1: child unwittingly memorizes the lesson of their troubled relationship. That

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Speaker 1: love is suffocation, that anger is terrifying, that dependence is humiliating,

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Speaker 1: or one of a million other crippling variations. But I

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Speaker 1: believe that even the child with the right parents faces

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Speaker 1: their own challenges when it comes to finding love. If

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Speaker 1: a child grows up seeing love is protection, caretaking, loyalty,

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Speaker 1: and sacrifice, that's what they identify as love. Unless our

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Speaker 1: childhood experiences were traumatic, and often even if they were,

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Speaker 1: we tend to view them as normal. Then, when we

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Speaker 1: are loved by someone who shows it differently, for example,

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Speaker 1: through joy, time and abundance, it may take us longer

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Speaker 1: to notice and appreciate those qualities as genuine expressions of love.

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Speaker 1: If your parents loved you, you might become a good

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Speaker 1: and kind person, or you might hold those you meet

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Speaker 1: to an impossible standard of love. Unless we do this

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Speaker 1: work of examining our some scars, we're often unaware of

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Speaker 1: these impressions. We just assume the way we think and

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Speaker 1: feel is the reasonable response. In this way, the gifts

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Speaker 1: our parents give us can create as many pitfalls as

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Speaker 1: the gaps. If there is a gap in how our

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Speaker 1: parents raised us, we look to others to fill it,

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Speaker 1: And if there is a gift in how our parents

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Speaker 1: raised us, we look to others to give us the same.

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Speaker 1: My mother's love for me was a gift. It enabled

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Speaker 1: me to give love to others, but my parents never

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Speaker 1: went to my rug matches. Because of that gap, I

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Speaker 1: first looked for validation from my peers. I wanted my

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Speaker 1: friends at school to think I was strong and tough,

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Speaker 1: because I was eager for some kind of support that

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Speaker 1: I didn't get at home. By the time I became

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Speaker 1: a monk, I still hadn't found a way to satisfy

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Speaker 1: my longing for validation. But during my studies at the ushroom,

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Speaker 1: I looked in the karma mirror and realized that even

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Speaker 1: when I did get the validation I yearned for, I

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Speaker 1: was never satisfied. Even when I received authentic, positive feedback

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Speaker 1: from others, I was never satisfied. And I think this

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00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,359
Speaker 1: is often true that it's hard for others to truly

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Speaker 1: understand what we go through to get a good result.

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Speaker 1: We first seek validation from those closest to us. Then unsatis,

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Speaker 1: we look for it from everyone, and finally we find

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Speaker 1: it in ourselves. It was the gap that my parents

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Speaker 1: created that eventually taught me this lesson. I had to

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Speaker 1: be happy with myself. Parental gifts and gaps play out

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Speaker 1: in various ways in our relationships. My parents always gave

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Speaker 1: me gifts that made me feel special on my birthday,

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Speaker 1: whereas Radi's Famili's gift to her was quality time. These

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Speaker 1: are cherished aspects of each of our childhoods, But on

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Speaker 1: my birthday, Radi might give me quality time when I'm

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Speaker 1: expecting a gift. The more or where we are of

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Speaker 1: our expectations and where they came from, the more we

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Speaker 1: can communicate our needs and adapt to our partners. We

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Speaker 1: all respond differently to the gifts and gaps we faced.

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Speaker 1: If you saw your parents argue, you might grow up

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Speaker 1: to be argumentative or defensive, or you might heal yourself

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Speaker 1: from it and make a conscious effort not to treat

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Speaker 1: others that way. Or you might help others work through

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Speaker 1: their conflicts. If your parents create a volatile household, you

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Speaker 1: might try to keep the peace at all times and

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Speaker 1: hide your true feelings. Karma lets us choose how to respond,

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Speaker 1: and the options can be subtle and varied. This isn't

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Speaker 1: about being right or wrong. We're looking for where we

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Speaker 1: have used our karma in ways that have benefited our relationships,

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Speaker 1: and where we are still making unconscious choices. If your

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Speaker 1: father was a jerk, you might date a bunch of

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Speaker 1: jerks until you finally wise up and settle down with

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Speaker 1: a nice guy. This is learning the lesson of karma.

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Speaker 1: Many of us feel like we didn't get the right upbringing.

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Speaker 1: This could be anything from not having our basic needs

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Speaker 1: taken care of to not having opportunities that would have

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Speaker 1: helped us get a better footing in life. Even if

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Speaker 1: our parents believe in us, encourage our strengths, assure us

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Speaker 1: that our disappointments aren't the end of the world and

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Speaker 1: consistently scaffold our confidence in other ways. They can't hand

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Speaker 1: us a perfectly developed psyche in a neatly wrapped package.

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Speaker 1: And many parents themselves struggle with self confidence, self esteem,

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Speaker 1: self improvement, self love, self care. It's hard for them

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Speaker 1: to pass these qualities onto their kids when they have

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Speaker 1: their own challenges. It might sound like we're doomed, but

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Speaker 1: I promise you we're not. We're just focusing too much

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Speaker 1: on what our parents should have done or wishing they'd

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Speaker 1: behave differently, rather than figuring out what we ourselves can do.

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Speaker 1: No matter how imperfect a situation we were born into,

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Speaker 1: we can learn from our karma and use it to

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Speaker 1: guide us into and through the relationship we want. Try this.

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Speaker 1: Identify parental gifts and gaps memories. Write down three of

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Speaker 1: your best memories from your childhood. Write down three of

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Speaker 1: your worst memories from your childhood. Identify a challenging time

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Speaker 1: in your childhood. Did your parents help you through it? How?

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Speaker 1: How did it affect you? Your answers may not be

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Speaker 1: black or white. A loving response might have soothed you,

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Speaker 1: or it might have fostered a dependent relationship. A harsh

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Speaker 1: response might have damaged your self esteem or built your resilience.

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Speaker 1: What matters isn't whether your parents were the best parents

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Speaker 1: in the world. It's a question of how their treatment

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Speaker 1: of you played out in your development. Expectations. What expectations

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Speaker 1: did your parents have of you? Did these expectations motivate you,

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00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,959
Speaker 1: put pressure on you? How do they affect your relationships?

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Speaker 1: If your parents expected you to achieve a certain level

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Speaker 1: of success or to be in a relationship with a

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00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,840
Speaker 1: certain kind of person, you might either be unnecessarily attached

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Speaker 1: to that outcome or you may have reacted against it.

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Speaker 1: How had those forces still at play in your life.

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Speaker 1: I had a friend whose parents drilled it into her

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Speaker 1: that she should marry someone ambitious. But her last boyfriend

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Speaker 1: broke up with her because, as he put it, I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be your business partner. I want to

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00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 1: be your boyfriend. She had to let go of what

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Speaker 1: her parents wanted for her and rethink her ideas of

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00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 1: what a partners should be modeling. What elements of a

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00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: relationship did your parents model that you liked disliked. So

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00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:16,280
Speaker 1: often in relationships we reject or repeat what our parents did.

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00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: If they argued you may avoid conflict if they had

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Speaker 1: a certain power dynamic. You may expect the same in

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Speaker 1: your relationship or avoid it at all costs. Emotional support.

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Speaker 1: What kind of love and emotional support do you wish

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Speaker 1: your parents had given you? What did you miss out on?

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Speaker 1: Once you become aware of a gift or gap that

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Speaker 1: you're bringing to relationships, you can start to address it. One. Recognize.

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Speaker 1: The first step is to recognize where and when that

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00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 1: impression steers you wrong. Does it come up on social

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Speaker 1: media with the particular group of people when you try

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00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:09,560
Speaker 1: to celebrate with your partner when you travel. Two remind yourself.

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00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:13,760
Speaker 1: The reminder is a note to yourself about how you

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Speaker 1: want to be or don't want to be. Set a

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Speaker 1: reminder that will catch you in the moment when you're

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00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:23,080
Speaker 1: at risk for acting in a way you'd rather not.

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00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 1: Do you have a challenger head where you will expect

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00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 1: a kind of support that your partner doesn't usually give.

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00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:35,800
Speaker 1: Are you jealous when you see your partner interacting in groups?

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00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 1: Does a certain kind of behavior always trigger your anger

399
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 1: before the moment happens. Find a way to remind yourself

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00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:49,680
Speaker 1: that you want to change in that moment, time and

401
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 1: space it might be as simple as putting a post

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00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 1: a note on your bathroom mirror, or writing a note

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00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,400
Speaker 1: to yourself in your journal, or asking your partner to

404
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:06,920
Speaker 1: remind you of what you're working on. Three repeat. Make

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00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,880
Speaker 1: your reminder into a mantra, a phrase that you repeat

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00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 1: to yourself over and over. When you do this, it's

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00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 1: more likely to come to your mind in the moment

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00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:23,120
Speaker 1: when you need it. It might be love is free

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00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:30,680
Speaker 1: of guilt, or anger is not the answer. Or ask

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00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 1: before you assume. For reduce, before a reaction or expectation

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00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:42,840
Speaker 1: goes away, you'll find yourself indulging it less. Make your

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00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:47,240
Speaker 1: partner aware so they know that you're working on reducing it.

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00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: Five Remove. Finally, over time, with attention and repetition, you'll

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00:30:55,920 --> 00:31:02,640
Speaker 1: break the habit of the expectation. Whether our parents neglected

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00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:06,640
Speaker 1: or fulfilled us in ways large and small. When we

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00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: first leave the nest, we are hardwired to look outward

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00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 1: to others for validation and satisfaction instead of inward toward ourselves.

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00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,040
Speaker 1: We gravitate towards partners who may fill our voids, but

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00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 1: we may also fail to open our minds and hearts

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00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,080
Speaker 1: to people who might suit us better. Looking in The

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00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 1: karma mirror helps us stop chasing others who might fulfill

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00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:37,680
Speaker 1: emotional needs from our childhoods and start fulfilling them ourselves.

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00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,480
Speaker 1: At the same time. The more you become aware of

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00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:44,760
Speaker 1: these influences in your own life, the more you'll be

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00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 1: able to see how a partner's parents impact them. This

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00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 1: gives you greater understanding and patience with yourself and your partner.

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00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 1: Movie Magic, our parents aren't the only some scaras in

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00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:07,040
Speaker 1: our approach to love. From the time with children, movies, TV, music,

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00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 1: and other media sell us a romanticized ideal of love.

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00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:16,520
Speaker 1: Snow White sings Someday my prince will come, and we

431
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:20,000
Speaker 1: are promised that the person of our dreams will show up,

432
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 1: will quickly recognize them as our destiny, and they will

433
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:27,240
Speaker 1: sweep us off our feet and carry us into the sunset.

434
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 1: In Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks as the titular character, walks

435
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 1: onto a bus for his first day of school, and

436
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:40,280
Speaker 1: when Jenny invites him to sit next to her, he narrates,

437
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 1: I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life.

438
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: She was like an angel. The love story takes off

439
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:53,600
Speaker 1: from there. Romances wants us to believe in love at

440
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: first sight that In his book Face Value, professor Alexander

441
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:03,240
Speaker 1: Todorov shows that first impressions are likely to be wrong.

442
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:08,320
Speaker 1: We think that people who look happy are more trustworthy,

443
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 1: and we think that people who look tired are less intelligent,

444
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:17,800
Speaker 1: though these impressions have no link to reality. We assign

445
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:23,240
Speaker 1: positive qualities to faces that we consider typical, and although

446
00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:27,440
Speaker 1: there is no average human face, we like faces that

447
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 1: are closer to our own definition of a typical face.

448
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:37,200
Speaker 1: In spite of the unreliability of first impressions, a group

449
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 1: of psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania come through data

450
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 1: from more than ten thousand people who had tried speed

451
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:50,239
Speaker 1: dating and found that most of them decided whether they

452
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:56,520
Speaker 1: were attracted to someone within just three seconds. Studies show

453
00:33:56,640 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 1: that first impressions like this are easily influenced by factors

454
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 1: we may not even register. In one study, psychologist from

455
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:11,279
Speaker 1: Yale University had participants briefly hold either a cup of

456
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 1: warm or iced coffee. They were then given a packet

457
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:20,440
Speaker 1: containing information about a person they didn't know, and were

458
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:24,520
Speaker 1: asked to assess that person. The people who had held

459
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,879
Speaker 1: the warm coffee described the individuals they read about as

460
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:33,400
Speaker 1: substantially warmer in personality than those who had held the

461
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:37,200
Speaker 1: iced coffee, So the next time you arrange a first

462
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:39,759
Speaker 1: day you might want to take them for a nice

463
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 1: hot coco instead of an ice cream Sunday. When it

464
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 1: comes to meeting people, the context effect refers to how

465
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:52,439
Speaker 1: the atmosphere in which we encountered them can impact our

466
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: impression of them. Think of running into someone in the

467
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:59,800
Speaker 1: lobby of a theater after you've just watched a romantic

468
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,279
Speaker 1: comedy you're cue to think of their potential as a

469
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:06,480
Speaker 1: love match more than if you ran into them after

470
00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:12,400
Speaker 1: watching the documentary Slugs Nature's Little Scamps. Or imagine meeting

471
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,440
Speaker 1: someone at a wedding, which is like having just watched

472
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,879
Speaker 1: a hundred romantic comedies, You might be more likely to

473
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 1: see that person as having marriage potential than if you

474
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 1: met them at a bar. Cinematic images of love set

475
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:32,359
Speaker 1: the standard for how love should occur, and often they

476
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,359
Speaker 1: make us feel like we're not achieving the level of

477
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:40,320
Speaker 1: romance that we should. In five Hundred Days of Summer, Tom,

478
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:44,359
Speaker 1: who writes greeting cards, shows his boss a Valentine's Day

479
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:48,840
Speaker 1: card and says, if somebody gave me this card, mister

480
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:53,040
Speaker 1: Vance I would eat it. It's these cards and the

481
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:56,640
Speaker 1: movies and the pop songs there to blame for all

482
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 1: the lies and the heartache everything. Hollywood is hardly the

483
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,400
Speaker 1: only culprit. The Bollywood movies that I watched as a

484
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 1: child did a number on me. I dreamed of that

485
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: romantic happily ever after that Bollywood always touted. You would

486
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 1: think that I outgrew these notions when I served as

487
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,319
Speaker 1: a monk, But as I described in the introduction, when

488
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,800
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask Radi to marry me, my images

489
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 1: of engagements came from this samskara, hence the river bank

490
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:33,719
Speaker 1: a cappella horse drawn extravaganza rather than I worked out,

491
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:37,839
Speaker 1: thank God. But her allergic reaction to the horse reminded

492
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 1: me that I should think about the person in front

493
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:47,719
Speaker 1: of me instead of succumbing to the media influences surrounding me. Similarly,

494
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 1: when I wanted to buy her an engagement ring, I

495
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 1: asked a friend how to pick one. He told me

496
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,600
Speaker 1: to get the nicest ring I could, spending about two

497
00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:01,200
Speaker 1: to three months salary on it, so I did. I

498
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:04,200
Speaker 1: didn't ask how he came up with that figure. If

499
00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:07,520
Speaker 1: I had, he probably would have said Oh, it's what

500
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:11,680
Speaker 1: someone told me when I was getting engaged. Only years

501
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,160
Speaker 1: later did I find out that before World War Two,

502
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,920
Speaker 1: only ten percent of engagement rings were set with diamonds.

503
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:25,319
Speaker 1: Then the diamond industry contrived to make them the official

504
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:31,440
Speaker 1: jewel of marriage and love. Almost fifty years later. Having

505
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 1: achieved that, they set out to define how much a

506
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:39,720
Speaker 1: man should spend on a ring. In nineteen seventy seven,

507
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:44,279
Speaker 1: an ad for Debier's Jewelers showed the silhouettes of a

508
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 1: couple on a beach. The shadow of a man slips

509
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:51,440
Speaker 1: a diamond ring on the shadow of the woman's finger,

510
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:55,759
Speaker 1: and the gold banded ring is the only color. In

511
00:37:55,800 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 1: the ad, they kiss and the voice over the diamond

512
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: engagement ring. How else could two months salary last forever?

513
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:13,319
Speaker 1: It was jewelers who told the world exactly how much

514
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:17,120
Speaker 1: a man should spend on an engagement ring. How's that

515
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 1: for a conflict of interest? That ad was released before

516
00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:25,399
Speaker 1: my friend was even born, and yet it influenced him,

517
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:29,640
Speaker 1: me and millions of others, spreading the belief that if

518
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:32,799
Speaker 1: you love someone, you should spend a big chunk of

519
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:37,439
Speaker 1: change on a diamond. There are fewer rom coms being

520
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:41,359
Speaker 1: produced these days. But when we examine our ideas of love,

521
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,319
Speaker 1: we have to look back to the ideas that were

522
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:48,120
Speaker 1: planted when we were young, before we were watching critically,

523
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:51,919
Speaker 1: before we had any experience against which to judge them.

524
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 1: When Lily James played Cinderella in the twenty fifteen movie

525
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:02,319
Speaker 1: the Surovsky crystal studied glass slip didn't actually fit on

526
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:06,680
Speaker 1: her foot. No maiden in the land fits the shoe,

527
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:10,399
Speaker 1: she told The Washington Post. So the prince is going

528
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:14,800
Speaker 1: to die alone. The promise of a happily ever after

529
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:19,080
Speaker 1: turns out to be an obstacle to happily ever after.

530
00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: Try this media love. Think of the first time you

531
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:30,520
Speaker 1: heard a love song or saw a movie that shaped

532
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: or changed how you feel about love. What characteristics of

533
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:39,480
Speaker 1: love did it present? Do you believe in them? Have

534
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:44,080
Speaker 1: you achieved them in your past relationships? You had me

535
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 1: at Hello, Jerry Maguire, I wish I knew how to quit.

536
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 1: You brokemack Mountain to me. You are perfect love. Actually

537
00:39:56,640 --> 00:40:01,319
Speaker 1: as you wish the princess bride. You want the moon,

538
00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around

539
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:09,759
Speaker 1: it and pull it down. It's a wonderful life. I'm

540
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:13,120
Speaker 1: also just a girl standing in front of a boy

541
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:19,320
Speaker 1: asking him to love her notting Hill. When we understand

542
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 1: the some scars that media have planted about love stories,

543
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:27,760
Speaker 1: then we don't require Hollywood perfection in our own relationships.

544
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:32,120
Speaker 1: We're willing to try a love that starts slowly or

545
00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:39,480
Speaker 1: plays out differently first loves. Our ideas of love are

546
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: also shaped by our early romances. In twenty fifteen, the

547
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:50,560
Speaker 1: artist Rora Blue invited people to anonymously post messages to

548
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:56,440
Speaker 1: their first loves. Over a million people responded with notes

549
00:40:56,480 --> 00:41:00,160
Speaker 1: like you ruined me, but I still write you love

550
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:05,080
Speaker 1: notes on paper plates and napkins, and You'll always be

551
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 1: etched into my bones. And I loved losing myself in you,

552
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:14,799
Speaker 1: but it's been forever and I still can't find myself.

553
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:19,719
Speaker 1: And if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just

554
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:26,680
Speaker 1: like you. There's a biological reason first loves creates some scars.

555
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:31,760
Speaker 1: A key area of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, doesn't

556
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:36,439
Speaker 1: develop fully until we're about twenty five years old. As

557
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 1: brain expert daniel Lehman describes it, the prefrontal cortex helps

558
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,880
Speaker 1: us to think before we speak and act, and to

559
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:49,960
Speaker 1: learn from our mistakes. Young people think with their feelings

560
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:55,600
Speaker 1: without a fully developed prefrontal cortex filter. Much of our

561
00:41:55,640 --> 00:42:00,720
Speaker 1: mental life runs through our amygdala, a brain center associated

562
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:06,760
Speaker 1: with emotional processes like fear and anxiety. As we age,

563
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:11,239
Speaker 1: our passion is tempered by reason and self control, and

564
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 1: we don't feel with the same wild abandon Those of

565
00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:18,880
Speaker 1: us who felt the passion of young love may remember

566
00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:23,800
Speaker 1: it as more intense than anything in adult life, even

567
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:28,879
Speaker 1: if it wasn't ideal or even healthy. The first time

568
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:33,360
Speaker 1: you enter a relationship out of pure infatuation, the person

569
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:36,880
Speaker 1: might break your heart. If you don't accept the lesson

570
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:41,759
Speaker 1: and enter your next relationship again out of infatuation, then

571
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 1: the second time you might find yourself bored and acting

572
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:49,280
Speaker 1: out of character. The third time, the person might steal

573
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:52,919
Speaker 1: your money. Karmel will bring you the same lesson through

574
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:58,319
Speaker 1: a different person again and again until you change, and

575
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 1: sometimes it will bring you the same lessons with your

576
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:08,200
Speaker 1: partner over and over again. THEYDICT teaching say that there

577
00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:12,399
Speaker 1: are three levels of intelligence. In the first level, when

578
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:15,920
Speaker 1: someone tells you the fire will burn you, you listen

579
00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:20,360
Speaker 1: and learn and never touch fire. In the second level,

580
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:25,279
Speaker 1: you experience it for yourself you touch fire, it burns you,

581
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 1: and you learn not to touch fire again. In the

582
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:33,560
Speaker 1: third level, you keep burning yourself, but you never learn.

583
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: If we don't heed our karma, we're stuck in the

584
00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:42,880
Speaker 1: third level of intelligence and we bear the scars. We

585
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:47,239
Speaker 1: forget that what we experienced in the past holds information

586
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:51,920
Speaker 1: about how will feel if we do it again. Often

587
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 1: when we believe that we have bad luck in relationships,

588
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:59,759
Speaker 1: the real problem is that we keep ignoring the data

589
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,480
Speaker 1: and refusing the karmic lesson. In other words, if you

590
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:09,840
Speaker 1: don't learn anything, you repeat the same mistake. Karma encourages

591
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 1: you to reflect on the choice, the reason you made it,

592
00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:18,520
Speaker 1: and what you should do differently next time. Let's look

593
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 1: deeply at some of the types we date and what

594
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:27,000
Speaker 1: karmic lessons they have to offer. The rebel in the

595
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:30,719
Speaker 1: movie I Know what you did last summer, Julie says

596
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:34,879
Speaker 1: to Ray, I hate this, I really hate this. You're

597
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,920
Speaker 1: gonna go and you're gonna fall for some head shaven,

598
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:43,960
Speaker 1: black wearing, tattoo covered, body piercing philosophy student. Ray answers

599
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:49,480
Speaker 1: that sounds attractive. This character is found over and over

600
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:53,920
Speaker 1: again in literature and movies from Rochester and Jane Eyre

601
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:59,840
Speaker 1: and Heathcliff in Withering Heights to Edward in Twilight be

602
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:04,239
Speaker 1: Being attracted to someone who bucks the system isn't necessarily

603
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:08,600
Speaker 1: a mistake, But if you keep hoping adventure and mystery

604
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:13,120
Speaker 1: will give way to loyalty and responsibility, it's time to

605
00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:17,280
Speaker 1: learn from your choices. Why are you attracted to this person?

606
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:21,799
Speaker 1: Are they offering you the relationship you want? If you're

607
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:25,080
Speaker 1: ready to move into a deeper commitment, then you'll need

608
00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:28,040
Speaker 1: to choose someone based on the qualities they have to offer,

609
00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: instead of just their rebellious lure the chase. Sometimes we're

610
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:39,719
Speaker 1: drawn to someone who is emotionally even physically unavailable. They

611
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:43,480
Speaker 1: keep moving, but sometimes pause just long enough to keep

612
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:47,800
Speaker 1: us hoping. We are enchanted by them, so we convince

613
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,600
Speaker 1: ourselves that they will stop in their tracks and suddenly

614
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:55,880
Speaker 1: give us their time and attention. We're sure that once

615
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:59,160
Speaker 1: they finally focus on us, they'll fall in love with us,

616
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:04,120
Speaker 1: so we commit ourselves to tracking them down. Where are they,

617
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 1: How are they spending their time when they could be

618
00:46:07,440 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 1: with us? When will they call? How can we make

619
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:16,200
Speaker 1: ourselves visible and available without seeming desperate when we are

620
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 1: caught up in the chase. We are not getting to

621
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:24,000
Speaker 1: know a person, discovering compatibilities, learning about each other, and

622
00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:28,960
Speaker 1: growing together. All of our romantic energy is invested, but

623
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:34,080
Speaker 1: there is no return. In her book, Why Him, Why Her,

624
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 1: anthropologist Helen Fisher, the chief scientific advisor frommatch dot com,

625
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:44,440
Speaker 1: explains that playing hard to get creates a phenomenon she

626
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 1: calls frustration attraction. She writes, barriers intensified feelings of romantic love,

627
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:59,120
Speaker 1: probably because the brain pathways associated with pleasure, energy, focus,

628
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:04,960
Speaker 1: and motivation keep working when a reward is delayed. However,

629
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:09,000
Speaker 1: she adds that researchers have looked at the eventual result

630
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 1: of playing hard to get and found no evidence that

631
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:16,719
Speaker 1: it helps establish a long term relationship. No matter which

632
00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:19,160
Speaker 1: side of heart to get you're on, if you're not

633
00:47:19,239 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 1: spending time together, you're not building a relationship. If you're

634
00:47:24,239 --> 00:47:27,319
Speaker 1: drawn to the thrill of the chase, be aware of

635
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:30,840
Speaker 1: what you're choosing. If you start a relationship with a

636
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:34,440
Speaker 1: musician who is constantly on the road, then you can't

637
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 1: expect them to give up their career and spend all

638
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:41,600
Speaker 1: their time with you. When someone is unavailable, they will

639
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:45,000
Speaker 1: generally stay that way. Are you drawn to them because

640
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:47,560
Speaker 1: you're looking for someone who is as busy as you are,

641
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,400
Speaker 1: or did you grow up with an unavailable parent so

642
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:54,200
Speaker 1: that is the only level of love you think you deserve.

643
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 1: To use your karma, well, you must be conscious of

644
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:02,799
Speaker 1: who you're choosing, why, and whether they fit what you

645
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:06,040
Speaker 1: want in your life. As you began to explore in

646
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:12,600
Speaker 1: Rule one the project, sometimes a partner needs saving, you

647
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:16,040
Speaker 1: are compelled to take care of them, giving them attention, help,

648
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:20,640
Speaker 1: and stability. This may play to your nurturing side. In

649
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:24,280
Speaker 1: the short term, it makes you feel competent and in control.

650
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 1: They need you, and you feel like you can help

651
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,320
Speaker 1: them live a better life. But in the long term,

652
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:36,280
Speaker 1: if they aren't transforming, you feel drained and resentful because

653
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:40,839
Speaker 1: you've become that person's caregiver. You're not equals and you're

654
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:45,719
Speaker 1: investing far more in the relationship than they are. Dominating

655
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:50,160
Speaker 1: a relationship bolsters our ego and makes us feel important.

656
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:54,480
Speaker 1: It doesn't require us to question ourselves or to follow

657
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:59,279
Speaker 1: our partner's suggestions, but ultimately it interferes with the long

658
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:03,520
Speaker 1: term connection we're trying to form. We're attracted to the

659
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:08,000
Speaker 1: dynamic rather than the person. If you love the role

660
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:11,799
Speaker 1: of guiding, leading, and giving advice. You can find that

661
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:20,600
Speaker 1: elsewhere in your life. Try this relationship roles. Here are

662
00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:24,240
Speaker 1: some questions to help you examine what role you played

663
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 1: in your most recent relationship or expect to have in

664
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:33,280
Speaker 1: a new relationship. Is it what you want? You'll play

665
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:36,520
Speaker 1: all the roles I describe, but you want to move

666
00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:41,200
Speaker 1: toward being supporters of each other while consciously allowing for

667
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:48,399
Speaker 1: moments of being fixes and dependent. Type one fixer? Did

668
00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:52,759
Speaker 1: you find yourself constantly trying to solve, nurture, help, or

669
00:49:52,840 --> 00:49:56,919
Speaker 1: make the other person better? Were you trying to carry them,

670
00:49:56,960 --> 00:50:02,080
Speaker 1: trying to make their goals happen for them? Type two dependent?

671
00:50:03,160 --> 00:50:06,600
Speaker 1: Did you feel like you relied on your partner too much?

672
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:09,960
Speaker 1: Did you go to them with all your issues and

673
00:50:10,120 --> 00:50:16,600
Speaker 1: expect them to find solutions? Type three supporter Did you

674
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:20,680
Speaker 1: like their personality, respect their values, and want to help

675
00:50:20,719 --> 00:50:24,600
Speaker 1: them toward their goals? Did you respect how they spent

676
00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:28,280
Speaker 1: their time and kept their space or did you always

677
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:33,359
Speaker 1: want them to change it? The fixer has a parental mentality.

678
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:37,719
Speaker 1: You feel that it's your responsibility to take care of

679
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:43,120
Speaker 1: the other person, nurture them. Their happiness is your priority.

680
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:48,279
Speaker 1: This mentality can be useful, but it can also go overboard.

681
00:50:48,840 --> 00:50:52,080
Speaker 1: When you parent your partner, it makes them behave like

682
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:57,879
Speaker 1: a child. The dependent has a childlike mentality. You rely

683
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:01,080
Speaker 1: on your partner, You want them to figure it all out,

684
00:51:01,320 --> 00:51:04,359
Speaker 1: and you get upset when they can't solve everything for you.

685
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:09,000
Speaker 1: Sometimes we settle into this mentality when we have a

686
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:13,600
Speaker 1: domineering partner. It can feel comforting to have someone else

687
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:16,959
Speaker 1: take the lead, but we lose out when we don't

688
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:21,400
Speaker 1: follow our own path and shape our own lives. The

689
00:51:21,560 --> 00:51:25,680
Speaker 1: supporter is their partner's champion. You are not a parent,

690
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:29,720
Speaker 1: you're not a child. You're side by side with your partner.

691
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:34,360
Speaker 1: You're trying to take responsibility. You're trying to develop patients.

692
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:37,680
Speaker 1: You're trying to help the other person grow, but you're

693
00:51:37,719 --> 00:51:43,000
Speaker 1: not trying to micromanage. This is the Goldilock's just Right mentality.

694
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:47,080
Speaker 1: For a quiz to help figure out the relationship role

695
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:53,480
Speaker 1: that you play, please visit www dot relationship roles dot com.

696
00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:58,319
Speaker 1: It's natural to move in and out of all three

697
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:03,080
Speaker 1: of these roles throughout our relationships. Sometimes we take the lead.

698
00:52:03,719 --> 00:52:07,680
Speaker 1: Sometimes we're more comfortable following what we're trying to avoid

699
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:10,880
Speaker 1: is dating a type with whom we're stuck in the

700
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:15,320
Speaker 1: same dynamic all the time. Being a full time fixer

701
00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:19,680
Speaker 1: means your partner isn't taking their own journey. We don't

702
00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,239
Speaker 1: have the right to take it for them. It's not

703
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:25,680
Speaker 1: our role to fix something that may not even be broken.

704
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:30,640
Speaker 1: Being fragile full time means you lack confidence and seek

705
00:52:30,719 --> 00:52:35,080
Speaker 1: validation from others. You feel broken and want someone to

706
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:38,839
Speaker 1: fix you. Being with someone who supports this side of

707
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:44,160
Speaker 1: you interferes with you taking responsibility for your own growth, joy,

708
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:49,480
Speaker 1: and success. The supporter is an ideal to strive for.

709
00:52:50,320 --> 00:52:54,879
Speaker 1: Both partners communicate as equals. Your partner is always teaching you,

710
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:59,040
Speaker 1: but you're always teaching them. And when you both understand

711
00:52:59,239 --> 00:53:02,400
Speaker 1: that you're both teaching and learning at the same time,

712
00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:06,839
Speaker 1: that's when you create a partnership. More on this in

713
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:13,160
Speaker 1: rule three the F boy or F girl. When we

714
00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:17,440
Speaker 1: date someone who sleeps around, they are clearly communicating that

715
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:21,759
Speaker 1: they aren't interested in an exclusive commitment. If that's what

716
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:24,879
Speaker 1: you're looking for, consider whether it's worth staying in it

717
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:29,399
Speaker 1: for great sex. Sex can distract us from making good

718
00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 1: choices about who to be with and whether to stay

719
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:35,480
Speaker 1: with them, and one of the biggest causes of that

720
00:53:35,560 --> 00:53:42,600
Speaker 1: distraction is the hormone oxytocin. According to neuroscientist and psychiatrist

721
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:47,759
Speaker 1: Daniel Aman, oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love,

722
00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:52,800
Speaker 1: and the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate

723
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:59,000
Speaker 1: bonding and trust. Generally, men have lower levels of oxytocin

724
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:03,800
Speaker 1: than women, but sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike

725
00:54:03,920 --> 00:54:09,840
Speaker 1: more than five hundred percent. New York University neuroscientist Robert

726
00:54:09,840 --> 00:54:14,880
Speaker 1: Fromkey says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial, turning

727
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:19,880
Speaker 1: up and amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone is

728
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:25,720
Speaker 1: already experiencing. During and after sex, we feel more in love,

729
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:31,520
Speaker 1: but it's not actually love. We feel closer chemically even

730
00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:37,399
Speaker 1: though we're not closer emotionally. Additionally, the hormone actually has

731
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 1: a temporary blocking effect on negative memories, so all of

732
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:46,040
Speaker 1: those little things that were bothering you, or that argument

733
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:49,880
Speaker 1: you had beforehand, which might have been a major warning sign,

734
00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:54,719
Speaker 1: could fade after sex. When I interviewed a husband and

735
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:59,040
Speaker 1: wife relationship experts John and Julie Gottman on my podcast,

736
00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:04,280
Speaker 1: John said that oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment.

737
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:09,520
Speaker 1: He says, you keep thinking it's going to be okay

738
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:13,759
Speaker 1: because that hormone makes you feel safe and secure, and

739
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:17,120
Speaker 1: you don't see the red flags the person is sending,

740
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:22,359
Speaker 1: saying I'm not trustworthy. If someone makes it clear that

741
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:25,719
Speaker 1: they aren't interested in committing, they can still be a

742
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:29,600
Speaker 1: fun connection, but know that you aren't likely to learn

743
00:55:29,719 --> 00:55:35,440
Speaker 1: much from them. The opulent one. The bugrat Geeta talks

744
00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:43,840
Speaker 1: about six opulences knowledge, fame, money, beauty, strength, and renunciation.

745
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:49,399
Speaker 1: Sometimes we're attracted to someone who has a single opulence,

746
00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 1: and this is enough to prematurely convince us we're in love.

747
00:55:55,160 --> 00:56:00,680
Speaker 1: In Beyonce's song Halo, the light surrounding someone convinces her

748
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:05,600
Speaker 1: they're everything she needs and more. Yet, someone's halo isn't

749
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:11,439
Speaker 1: necessarily an accurate indicator of who they are. In psychology,

750
00:56:11,800 --> 00:56:15,399
Speaker 1: the halo effect is a type of cognitive bias where

751
00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:20,040
Speaker 1: we form an inaccurate impression of someone or something based

752
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:24,840
Speaker 1: on a single trait or characteristic. For instance, if someone

753
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:29,520
Speaker 1: is attractive, we're more likely to assign other positive attributes

754
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:35,240
Speaker 1: to them, like intelligence, wit, or kindness. This particular halo

755
00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:41,000
Speaker 1: effect is called the attractiveness stereotype. One study showed that

756
00:56:41,160 --> 00:56:45,840
Speaker 1: teachers graded attractive students more favorably when the class was

757
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:49,480
Speaker 1: in person, but not when the class was online and

758
00:56:49,520 --> 00:56:54,120
Speaker 1: the teachers couldn't see their students. Other studies showed that

759
00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:58,919
Speaker 1: servers deemed to be more attractive made higher tips. When

760
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:02,719
Speaker 1: we see a good looking person, we might make unconscious

761
00:57:02,719 --> 00:57:07,600
Speaker 1: assumptions that they're wealthier, or more ambitious, or more likable,

762
00:57:07,840 --> 00:57:11,839
Speaker 1: and so on, and this can influence our attraction to them.

763
00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:17,160
Speaker 1: The bugard Ghitas says that the six opulences show us

764
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:22,440
Speaker 1: the fallibility of desire. We want attention, but a million

765
00:57:22,560 --> 00:57:27,360
Speaker 1: likes won't make us feel loved. We want beauty, but

766
00:57:27,480 --> 00:57:30,200
Speaker 1: we try to make youth, which is not the only

767
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:35,040
Speaker 1: kind of beauty last forever. We want money, but it

768
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:39,640
Speaker 1: won't buy happiness. Try googling lottery winners if you want

769
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:43,000
Speaker 1: proof of that. If we look for the opulences in

770
00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:47,200
Speaker 1: a partner, we are being sold a temporary bill of goods.

771
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:52,040
Speaker 1: The bugard Ghetas says that divine love of God is

772
00:57:52,040 --> 00:57:57,160
Speaker 1: to know their greatness, but gravitate toward their sweetness. You

773
00:57:57,280 --> 00:58:01,720
Speaker 1: may know all of your partners accolades and achievements, but

774
00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:06,440
Speaker 1: that doesn't define them as an individual. Being attracted to

775
00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:10,400
Speaker 1: our partners for what they have or what they've achieved

776
00:58:10,840 --> 00:58:13,640
Speaker 1: is not a bad place to start, but it's not

777
00:58:13,720 --> 00:58:18,760
Speaker 1: a good place to end. Abilities and achievements don't matter

778
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:23,240
Speaker 1: so much as qualities and actions. We make the mistake

779
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:28,200
Speaker 1: of assigning qualities to people based on their abilities. We

780
00:58:28,320 --> 00:58:32,880
Speaker 1: assume that a good communicator will be trustworthy. We think

781
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:38,160
Speaker 1: a writer must be thoughtful, a manager must be organized.

782
00:58:38,880 --> 00:58:41,880
Speaker 1: The only way we can know what qualities a person

783
00:58:41,920 --> 00:58:46,360
Speaker 1: truly has is by spending time with them and observing them.

784
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:51,200
Speaker 1: Only when we know someone intimately and deeply do we

785
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 1: find the sweetness in them. Try this, reflect and learn

786
00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:03,320
Speaker 1: from a past relationship. We tend to base successes in

787
00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:07,720
Speaker 1: relationships on how long they last, but their actual value

788
00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:10,800
Speaker 1: lies in how much we learn and grow from them.

789
00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:15,640
Speaker 1: If we understand that, we can examine the choices we've made,

790
00:59:16,040 --> 00:59:19,880
Speaker 1: assess why we picked a person, figure out what went wrong,

791
00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:23,840
Speaker 1: and develop a better sense of whom to pick and

792
00:59:23,960 --> 00:59:28,760
Speaker 1: whether we need to change anything for next time. One,

793
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:32,240
Speaker 1: What energy were you in when you chose to be

794
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:37,400
Speaker 1: with your X energy of ignorance. In this energy, you

795
00:59:37,480 --> 00:59:40,960
Speaker 1: might have picked someone because you were bored, because there

796
00:59:41,040 --> 00:59:45,440
Speaker 1: was nobody else around, or because you were lonely. Choices

797
00:59:45,480 --> 00:59:51,360
Speaker 1: made in ignorance lead to depression, pain, and stress. Energy

798
00:59:51,400 --> 00:59:55,800
Speaker 1: of passion. In this energy, you pick someone because you

799
00:59:55,880 --> 01:00:01,160
Speaker 1: wanted one of the opulences. Decisions made in passion start well,

800
01:00:01,640 --> 01:00:05,840
Speaker 1: but have to deepen into understanding and respect, or else

801
01:00:05,880 --> 01:00:11,440
Speaker 1: they end terribly. Energy of goodness. In this energy, you

802
01:00:11,520 --> 01:00:16,439
Speaker 1: chose someone with whom you felt connected and compatible. There

803
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 1: was mutual respect, and often these relationships end with some

804
01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:27,040
Speaker 1: feelings of respect still intact. Two why did it end?

805
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:31,120
Speaker 1: Be as honest with yourself as you can when you

806
01:00:31,200 --> 01:00:37,160
Speaker 1: assess what went wrong in this relationship. Three learn from it?

807
01:00:37,960 --> 01:00:40,320
Speaker 1: What can you think of that you will try to

808
01:00:40,320 --> 01:00:45,160
Speaker 1: do differently next time? Can you enter your next relationship

809
01:00:45,240 --> 01:00:50,240
Speaker 1: from an energy of goodness? Can you set aside opulences

810
01:00:50,280 --> 01:00:55,680
Speaker 1: and look for qualities that make good partners? You attract

811
01:00:55,880 --> 01:01:01,560
Speaker 1: what you use to impress. The lences highlight a very

812
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:06,360
Speaker 1: practical way of understanding karma. If we are attracted to

813
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:10,600
Speaker 1: someone for their ambition, that's what we get. A person

814
01:01:10,680 --> 01:01:16,040
Speaker 1: whose priority is ambition. There's nothing wrong with ambition until

815
01:01:16,080 --> 01:01:18,960
Speaker 1: you realize that you want someone who has lots of

816
01:01:19,000 --> 01:01:22,680
Speaker 1: time to share with you. Sometimes we feel like none

817
01:01:22,680 --> 01:01:25,760
Speaker 1: of the options before us are people we want to date,

818
01:01:26,520 --> 01:01:29,480
Speaker 1: and then we have to ask ourselves, why are these

819
01:01:29,520 --> 01:01:33,640
Speaker 1: my options? Why are we attracting these people, and how

820
01:01:33,680 --> 01:01:37,919
Speaker 1: can we attract the ones we want again? Karma has

821
01:01:37,920 --> 01:01:41,840
Speaker 1: the answer. If you put something into the world, you

822
01:01:41,920 --> 01:01:45,760
Speaker 1: get it back. This is karma in its most basic form.

823
01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:50,720
Speaker 1: If I use money to present myself as valuable, I'll

824
01:01:50,720 --> 01:01:55,440
Speaker 1: attract someone who believes that money is what makes me valuable.

825
01:01:56,560 --> 01:02:00,960
Speaker 1: When we present ourselves, we are signaling the dynamic we want,

826
01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:04,520
Speaker 1: how we expect to be treated, what we think we deserve.

827
01:02:05,600 --> 01:02:09,160
Speaker 1: I had one client who is a successful entrepreneur. He

828
01:02:09,240 --> 01:02:13,360
Speaker 1: was upset because every woman he met only wanted him

829
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:16,840
Speaker 1: for his money. But every picture he posted in his

830
01:02:16,920 --> 01:02:20,760
Speaker 1: online profile showed him in a supercar or him in

831
01:02:20,840 --> 01:02:25,160
Speaker 1: front of another home he'd bought. He said, I'm not

832
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:28,840
Speaker 1: like that in person, but he shouldn't have been surprised

833
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:33,840
Speaker 1: that he was attracting a certain type of person. If

834
01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:38,120
Speaker 1: you use wealth to impress someone, you are committing to

835
01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:42,400
Speaker 1: whatever it takes to sustain your wealth. But one day

836
01:02:42,720 --> 01:02:45,360
Speaker 1: you may want to change how you spend your time.

837
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:48,840
Speaker 1: You may want to feel that your partner values you

838
01:02:49,240 --> 01:02:52,840
Speaker 1: for more than your net worth. If you use your

839
01:02:52,840 --> 01:02:56,560
Speaker 1: body to impress someone, you're putting yourself in a position

840
01:02:56,960 --> 01:03:00,600
Speaker 1: where aging is hard to accept. One day, your body

841
01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:03,880
Speaker 1: will change and you may want a partner whose love

842
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:08,640
Speaker 1: will last for years. If you use your social status

843
01:03:08,720 --> 01:03:12,160
Speaker 1: to impress someone, you may find that someone with a

844
01:03:12,280 --> 01:03:16,960
Speaker 1: higher social status is more attractive to your partner, or

845
01:03:17,040 --> 01:03:20,360
Speaker 1: something may change your status and you'll want a partner

846
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:24,520
Speaker 1: who can support you through a hard time. If you

847
01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:28,360
Speaker 1: use your intellect to impress someone, you may find that

848
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:32,640
Speaker 1: you don't feel an emotional connection. If you use sex

849
01:03:32,720 --> 01:03:36,320
Speaker 1: to impress someone, you are setting a standard for physical

850
01:03:36,320 --> 01:03:39,400
Speaker 1: connection that may be hard for one or both of

851
01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:44,720
Speaker 1: you to sustain if attraction fades. When we put ourselves

852
01:03:44,800 --> 01:03:47,720
Speaker 1: out in the world, whether it's on a first date,

853
01:03:48,080 --> 01:03:52,840
Speaker 1: social media, or a dating profile, we are saying this

854
01:03:52,920 --> 01:03:55,560
Speaker 1: is the version of me that I want you to like.

855
01:03:56,880 --> 01:04:00,240
Speaker 1: It's important to put out the version of yourself that

856
01:04:00,360 --> 01:04:03,480
Speaker 1: you want someone to be attracted to, as opposed to

857
01:04:03,480 --> 01:04:06,600
Speaker 1: the version of yourself that you think someone would be

858
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:12,240
Speaker 1: attracted to These are two different things. If you attract

859
01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:15,680
Speaker 1: someone through a persona, then you're either going to have

860
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:21,200
Speaker 1: to fake being that promotable person forever or they're eventually

861
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:25,680
Speaker 1: going to discover the real you. One study showed that

862
01:04:25,760 --> 01:04:30,000
Speaker 1: fifty three percent of online datas lied in their profiles,

863
01:04:30,640 --> 01:04:34,640
Speaker 1: women more than men, and more often about looks, doing

864
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:37,960
Speaker 1: things like posting an old photo so they looked younger,

865
01:04:38,560 --> 01:04:44,000
Speaker 1: and men more often about financial status. Considering that men

866
01:04:44,120 --> 01:04:48,240
Speaker 1: tend to rank physical attractiveness as a highly valued characteristic

867
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:52,480
Speaker 1: in a potential partner and women tend to rank financial

868
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:56,040
Speaker 1: success similarly, you can see how that might play out,

869
01:04:56,440 --> 01:05:01,440
Speaker 1: at least in heterosexual relationships. Even if your self positioning

870
01:05:01,600 --> 01:05:04,200
Speaker 1: is more subtle and you're willing to play out the

871
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:08,680
Speaker 1: role you've invented indefinitely, you will always know in your

872
01:05:08,720 --> 01:05:12,040
Speaker 1: heart that you aren't loved for who you really are.

873
01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:15,400
Speaker 1: You've made them fall in love with the character that

874
01:05:15,440 --> 01:05:20,320
Speaker 1: you created, not you. By pretending to be someone else,

875
01:05:20,920 --> 01:05:25,680
Speaker 1: you will attract strife into your life. Save yourself that

876
01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:30,680
Speaker 1: time and energy. It's natural to want to present the

877
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:34,040
Speaker 1: best version of yourself. You may be doing this through

878
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:37,280
Speaker 1: the opulences, whether by trying to slip where you went

879
01:05:37,320 --> 01:05:40,640
Speaker 1: to college into conversation, or taking your date to an

880
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:45,800
Speaker 1: expensive restaurant to demonstrate wealth, or uploading your most seductive

881
01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:50,520
Speaker 1: photos to a dating website. We can easily get caught

882
01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:54,120
Speaker 1: up in judging ourselves by our net worth or the

883
01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:58,640
Speaker 1: way we show it in material possessions, our friends or followers,

884
01:05:58,920 --> 01:06:03,160
Speaker 1: our physical appear. But we all know people who have

885
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:09,360
Speaker 1: high value using these metrics and still have low self worth.

886
01:06:10,480 --> 01:06:13,800
Speaker 1: There is a saying that the poor man begs outside

887
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:18,880
Speaker 1: the temple while the rich man begs inside it, or,

888
01:06:19,040 --> 01:06:22,480
Speaker 1: as Russell Brand puts it, the more that I've detached

889
01:06:22,520 --> 01:06:26,040
Speaker 1: myself from the things that I thought would make me happy,

890
01:06:26,560 --> 01:06:30,840
Speaker 1: like money and fame and other people's opinions, the more

891
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:36,440
Speaker 1: truth is being revealed. We market ourselves to others using

892
01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 1: our opulences, but doing that won't benefit us in the

893
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:46,240
Speaker 1: long run. We want to show our real personality, values

894
01:06:46,280 --> 01:06:50,120
Speaker 1: and goals so we are loved for what matters most

895
01:06:50,160 --> 01:06:55,040
Speaker 1: to us. The converse is also true. Be aware if

896
01:06:55,080 --> 01:06:59,080
Speaker 1: opulences are what attract you to your partner, and beware

897
01:06:59,400 --> 01:07:02,760
Speaker 1: if they're all that attracts you. You don't want to

898
01:07:02,880 --> 01:07:06,080
Speaker 1: end up with someone whom you're only attracted to physically,

899
01:07:06,560 --> 01:07:10,160
Speaker 1: or whose social life captivates you, or whom you only

900
01:07:10,240 --> 01:07:14,560
Speaker 1: connect with about work, or whose external success compels you.

901
01:07:15,520 --> 01:07:21,240
Speaker 1: These qualities are tied to temporary situations and characteristics. They

902
01:07:21,280 --> 01:07:25,200
Speaker 1: won't last, and when they are gone, so is the relationship.

903
01:07:26,480 --> 01:07:31,040
Speaker 1: When I met Raddy, I had nothing. No, that's not true.

904
01:07:31,600 --> 01:07:35,520
Speaker 1: What's true is that we've been together ever since. All

905
01:07:35,560 --> 01:07:39,200
Speaker 1: I had to offer her was myself, and that seemed

906
01:07:39,200 --> 01:07:47,400
Speaker 1: to be enough. Try this what you showcase. When there's

907
01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:51,040
Speaker 1: a disparity between what attracts your partner and what you

908
01:07:51,120 --> 01:07:54,400
Speaker 1: love about yourself, you may struggle to live up to

909
01:07:54,440 --> 01:07:58,520
Speaker 1: their vision. First, make a list of what you love

910
01:07:58,560 --> 01:08:02,600
Speaker 1: about yourself. Think about the qualities you're most proud of,

911
01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:07,720
Speaker 1: and try to steer clear of the opulences. Are you kind, caring,

912
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:14,840
Speaker 1: hard working, honest, creative, grateful, flexible, reliable. Now, for each

913
01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:18,800
Speaker 1: of your long term or defining relationships, make a list

914
01:08:18,840 --> 01:08:23,160
Speaker 1: of the qualities you think that person saw and appreciated

915
01:08:23,240 --> 01:08:27,160
Speaker 1: in you. We want to build relationships where we are

916
01:08:27,240 --> 01:08:34,519
Speaker 1: loved for what we love in ourselves. What you want

917
01:08:34,560 --> 01:08:40,080
Speaker 1: from someone else, first give to yourself. Once we have

918
01:08:40,200 --> 01:08:43,240
Speaker 1: a better sense of the some scars we've gathered over

919
01:08:43,280 --> 01:08:46,720
Speaker 1: the years, we can look at how they've influenced our

920
01:08:46,800 --> 01:08:50,719
Speaker 1: choices and see if we like the results. We don't

921
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:53,559
Speaker 1: want to make the same mistakes over and over again.

922
01:08:54,320 --> 01:08:57,479
Speaker 1: We want to carry the gifts from our pasts into

923
01:08:57,560 --> 01:09:01,439
Speaker 1: the present, but we can't assume our partner will receive

924
01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:05,559
Speaker 1: them exactly as we expect. We don't want to bring

925
01:09:05,640 --> 01:09:09,559
Speaker 1: gaps to our relationships expecting our partner to fill them.

926
01:09:10,360 --> 01:09:14,759
Speaker 1: We want to fill our own gaps. As you observe

927
01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:19,240
Speaker 1: your partner or potential partner, consider what draws you to them.

928
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:25,280
Speaker 1: Is your judgment influenced by outdated criteria from your past?

929
01:09:25,920 --> 01:09:29,200
Speaker 1: If your parents gave you all their attention, are you

930
01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:33,280
Speaker 1: expecting that from a partner to the movies you saw

931
01:09:33,320 --> 01:09:36,479
Speaker 1: in your youth? Have you expecting to be swept off

932
01:09:36,520 --> 01:09:41,120
Speaker 1: your feet? Was your first love remote and unavailable? So

933
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:45,880
Speaker 1: you're stuck in a pattern of repeating that dynamic. One

934
01:09:45,920 --> 01:09:48,800
Speaker 1: of my clients was getting really angry at his wife

935
01:09:49,120 --> 01:09:52,599
Speaker 1: when she didn't come home from work on time. I

936
01:09:52,680 --> 01:09:56,040
Speaker 1: asked him why he was having such a strong reaction,

937
01:09:56,840 --> 01:10:00,120
Speaker 1: and in the course of our work, he realized that

938
01:10:00,200 --> 01:10:03,360
Speaker 1: his own mother never came home on time, and it

939
01:10:03,439 --> 01:10:09,439
Speaker 1: had bothered his father. He had inherited his father's anxiety.

940
01:10:10,040 --> 01:10:13,439
Speaker 1: I asked him what his wife's lateness signified for him.

941
01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:18,479
Speaker 1: After some thought, he said, it's like she doesn't care

942
01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:21,479
Speaker 1: about me and doesn't want to spend time with me.

943
01:10:22,800 --> 01:10:25,960
Speaker 1: I suggested that he asked his wife about it, and

944
01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:29,160
Speaker 1: we talked about how Instead of saying, so, how come

945
01:10:29,200 --> 01:10:33,439
Speaker 1: you're always late in an accusatory tone, he could ask

946
01:10:34,120 --> 01:10:38,280
Speaker 1: what have you been working on? Is it exciting or stressful?

947
01:10:39,360 --> 01:10:42,120
Speaker 1: It turned out that his wife was stressed about a

948
01:10:42,200 --> 01:10:46,040
Speaker 1: project and that she thought in three months time she'd

949
01:10:46,040 --> 01:10:50,200
Speaker 1: be able to start coming home earlier. She didn't realize

950
01:10:50,400 --> 01:10:53,040
Speaker 1: that it would have eased his mind to know about

951
01:10:53,080 --> 01:10:56,639
Speaker 1: this project and when it might end. But even more

952
01:10:56,720 --> 01:11:01,040
Speaker 1: important was his realization that the reason for her lateness

953
01:11:01,120 --> 01:11:06,439
Speaker 1: differed from his interpretation. It wasn't a perfect happily ever after,

954
01:11:07,000 --> 01:11:09,840
Speaker 1: but he was able to come to terms with the situation.

955
01:11:10,439 --> 01:11:15,320
Speaker 1: Instead of enduring his inherited anxiety, he asked for time

956
01:11:15,320 --> 01:11:18,320
Speaker 1: with her over the weekend, and they figured out how

957
01:11:18,360 --> 01:11:23,879
Speaker 1: to address both of their needs. Our relationships aren't supposed

958
01:11:23,920 --> 01:11:27,479
Speaker 1: to be responses to what our parents did and didn't

959
01:11:27,520 --> 01:11:31,320
Speaker 1: give us or bombs for the insecurities of our youth.

960
01:11:32,200 --> 01:11:35,559
Speaker 1: If we look to our partners to fill an emotional gap,

961
01:11:36,080 --> 01:11:40,719
Speaker 1: this puts undue pressure on our partner. We're asking them

962
01:11:40,760 --> 01:11:46,200
Speaker 1: to take responsibility for our happiness. That's like saying I

963
01:11:46,240 --> 01:11:49,439
Speaker 1: won't drive my car until my partner puts gas in it.

964
01:11:50,360 --> 01:11:53,360
Speaker 1: Why wait for someone else to make you feel good?

965
01:11:54,200 --> 01:11:58,000
Speaker 1: And that's why it's so deeply important that we heal ourselves,

966
01:11:58,520 --> 01:12:02,519
Speaker 1: taking charge of that process instead of shifting blame and

967
01:12:02,680 --> 01:12:07,320
Speaker 1: responsibility to a partner. If we're trying to fill an

968
01:12:07,320 --> 01:12:12,080
Speaker 1: old void, will choose the wrong partner. A partner can't

969
01:12:12,160 --> 01:12:17,160
Speaker 1: fill every gap. They can't unpack our emotional baggage for us.

970
01:12:18,120 --> 01:12:21,200
Speaker 1: Once we fulfill our own needs, we're in a better

971
01:12:21,280 --> 01:12:26,280
Speaker 1: place to see what a relationship can give us. Meanwhile,

972
01:12:26,479 --> 01:12:30,719
Speaker 1: and always, you can give yourself what you want to receive.

973
01:12:31,760 --> 01:12:35,040
Speaker 1: If you want to treat yourself, you could make plans

974
01:12:35,160 --> 01:12:38,600
Speaker 1: to go someplace you've never been before, or arrange a

975
01:12:38,680 --> 01:12:43,439
Speaker 1: birthday celebration for yourself, or dress beautifully for an upcoming event.

976
01:12:44,280 --> 01:12:47,400
Speaker 1: If you want to feel respected at work, you could

977
01:12:47,479 --> 01:12:50,200
Speaker 1: decide that you're going to make a list for your

978
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:55,280
Speaker 1: own benefit of everything you contributed to a project. We

979
01:12:55,520 --> 01:13:00,679
Speaker 1: think of feeling appreciated, respected, and loved as more needs

980
01:13:00,680 --> 01:13:04,080
Speaker 1: in a relationship. But when we attend to these needs

981
01:13:04,120 --> 01:13:08,639
Speaker 1: for ourselves in small ways every day, then we don't

982
01:13:08,680 --> 01:13:11,679
Speaker 1: have to wait for our partner to deliver them through

983
01:13:11,720 --> 01:13:19,160
Speaker 1: a grand gesture. Try this, give yourself what you want

984
01:13:19,160 --> 01:13:23,719
Speaker 1: to receive. Fill your own gaps by looking for ways

985
01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:27,479
Speaker 1: to treat yourself the way you're looking for others to

986
01:13:27,520 --> 01:13:33,880
Speaker 1: treat you. I never felt appreciated by my parents. If

987
01:13:33,920 --> 01:13:37,920
Speaker 1: you want to be appreciated, what do you want to

988
01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:43,040
Speaker 1: be appreciated for? What can you do every day that

989
01:13:43,160 --> 01:13:48,200
Speaker 1: makes you feel appreciated. I never felt like my parents

990
01:13:48,240 --> 01:13:52,120
Speaker 1: thought I was special. If you want to feel special,

991
01:13:53,280 --> 01:13:57,000
Speaker 1: what do you want to feel special for? What can

992
01:13:57,040 --> 01:14:02,040
Speaker 1: you do every day to make yourself feel special? My

993
01:14:02,160 --> 01:14:07,000
Speaker 1: parents didn't respect my feelings or opinions. If you want

994
01:14:07,040 --> 01:14:11,320
Speaker 1: to feel respected, what do you want to be respected for?

995
01:14:12,560 --> 01:14:18,000
Speaker 1: What can you do every day to respect yourself? These

996
01:14:18,040 --> 01:14:22,880
Speaker 1: are hard questions, so take your time with them. Answers

997
01:14:23,000 --> 01:14:27,439
Speaker 1: may not come quickly. Ponder them for a day a week,

998
01:14:28,760 --> 01:14:33,920
Speaker 1: you may gradually start to identify recurring negative thoughts that

999
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:38,640
Speaker 1: you've carried from your past. If you keep telling yourself

1000
01:14:39,040 --> 01:14:43,720
Speaker 1: I'm nobody until someone tells me I'm someone, it will

1001
01:14:43,800 --> 01:14:49,080
Speaker 1: make you more prone to insecurity, stress, and pressure. If

1002
01:14:49,080 --> 01:14:52,680
Speaker 1: you often tell yourself that you're not good enough, you

1003
01:14:52,840 --> 01:14:58,000
Speaker 1: become not good enough. We need to disrupt those negative

1004
01:14:58,040 --> 01:15:03,439
Speaker 1: patterns by developing new thought patterns. It may feel forced

1005
01:15:03,720 --> 01:15:09,599
Speaker 1: or fake, but when you practice these new positive thought patterns,

1006
01:15:09,720 --> 01:15:13,959
Speaker 1: you start living up to them. Check in with yourself.

1007
01:15:15,760 --> 01:15:19,479
Speaker 1: Set aside three minutes before you start your day and

1008
01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:22,519
Speaker 1: three minutes at the end of your day to make

1009
01:15:22,520 --> 01:15:26,680
Speaker 1: sure you're filling your own gaps. Attaching new habits to

1010
01:15:26,720 --> 01:15:29,639
Speaker 1: the beginning or end of things is natural to us

1011
01:15:29,960 --> 01:15:33,240
Speaker 1: and the best way to bring the behaviors and beliefs

1012
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:37,559
Speaker 1: we need into our lives. In the three minutes you've

1013
01:15:37,560 --> 01:15:41,559
Speaker 1: set aside in the morning, sit by yourself and pick

1014
01:15:41,680 --> 01:15:45,400
Speaker 1: one thing you can do for yourself today to improve

1015
01:15:45,479 --> 01:15:49,200
Speaker 1: your day. It might be deciding to make a lunch

1016
01:15:49,280 --> 01:15:51,880
Speaker 1: date with your friend you haven't seen in a while.

1017
01:15:52,880 --> 01:15:55,479
Speaker 1: It might be showing up at a yoga class or

1018
01:15:55,560 --> 01:15:58,320
Speaker 1: taking no phone calls for the first hour of the

1019
01:15:58,400 --> 01:16:01,880
Speaker 1: morning to wake up and hope the day will be

1020
01:16:02,000 --> 01:16:08,040
Speaker 1: great is outsourcing the day Instead, Pick just one act

1021
01:16:08,360 --> 01:16:11,920
Speaker 1: you can perform yourself that might change your day for

1022
01:16:11,960 --> 01:16:15,800
Speaker 1: the better. In the last three minutes of the day,

1023
01:16:16,439 --> 01:16:19,519
Speaker 1: assess how you felt about the one thing you picked.

1024
01:16:20,680 --> 01:16:23,639
Speaker 1: Did it help your day? Should you try it again

1025
01:16:23,720 --> 01:16:31,680
Speaker 1: tomorrow or choose something else. Expanding our love, our preparation

1026
01:16:31,800 --> 01:16:35,920
Speaker 1: for love began with two rules, guiding us to solitude

1027
01:16:36,280 --> 01:16:42,439
Speaker 1: and self examination. We began practices to transform loneliness to

1028
01:16:42,560 --> 01:16:47,799
Speaker 1: productive time. In solitude, we unpacked our pasts and began

1029
01:16:47,880 --> 01:16:51,519
Speaker 1: to unlock oursome scars so that we can learn from

1030
01:16:51,520 --> 01:16:55,760
Speaker 1: our karma, whether you're in a relationship, looking for one

1031
01:16:56,040 --> 01:17:00,240
Speaker 1: or leaving one. These rules help you build and maintain

1032
01:17:00,320 --> 01:17:05,240
Speaker 1: the skills you need for love. By now, you're already

1033
01:17:05,280 --> 01:17:09,439
Speaker 1: better prepared for love than most people, and that opens

1034
01:17:09,479 --> 01:17:13,000
Speaker 1: the door for you to share your love with another person.

1035
01:17:14,280 --> 01:17:18,920
Speaker 1: One of the translators of the bugwad Geeta Knawan said,

1036
01:17:19,800 --> 01:17:25,320
Speaker 1: love grows by practice. There's no other way. Now. As

1037
01:17:25,360 --> 01:17:28,960
Speaker 1: we move into the practice of love, we will build

1038
01:17:29,000 --> 01:17:35,120
Speaker 1: our ability to recognize love, define it, develop it, trust it,

1039
01:17:35,800 --> 01:17:39,400
Speaker 1: and if and when we are ready to embrace love.

1040
01:17:40,880 --> 01:17:43,479
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. I really hope you

1041
01:17:43,600 --> 01:17:45,680
Speaker 1: gained a ton of insight from this. I hope it

1042
01:17:45,720 --> 01:17:50,040
Speaker 1: provides some closure. I hope it provides some support and solace.

1043
01:17:50,560 --> 01:17:52,720
Speaker 1: And I really hope that you'll grab a copy of

1044
01:17:52,960 --> 01:17:54,840
Speaker 1: the full audiobook and listen to the rest of it

1045
01:17:55,000 --> 01:17:58,599
Speaker 1: at arilslove dot com. Thank you so much. I'll see

1046
01:17:58,640 --> 01:18:03,639
Speaker 1: you again next time. Dick