WEBVTT - Adoption 101 w/ Shonda Rhimes (Part 2) 0:00:05.000 --> 0:00:08.160 Hi, everybody. I am sitting across from the one and 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:12.560 Only and my dear friend, the most wonderful person, Shawna Rhymes, 0:00:13.039 --> 0:00:15.760 And we are here talking about adoption. It is Adoption 0:00:15.800 --> 0:00:22.640 Awareness Month. Yeah, and Shanna has to experiences adopting. Um, 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:26.120 did you know from the time you like, how long 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:27.960 did you know you wanted to? Like, was it something 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:29.600 that just you knew right away you wanted to do 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.040 or was it over years? I think I always knew 0:00:32.080 --> 0:00:34.279 I wanted to adopt, Like I've always known that I 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.880 was going to adopt children. The idea that, um, I 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:40.080 would grow something inside me and it would come out 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:44.319 was never a thing that sounded exciting to me. It's not. 0:00:44.479 --> 0:00:46.280 And also, I think you know, I was a huge 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:48.960 reader as a kid, and in every children's book you 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:52.879 ever read, there's always an orphan and so somehow to me, 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:55.120 like adoption always seemed like a thing I knew I 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:58.560 was going to do. Then um I got older and 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:02.400 then illogically adopted became a thing I really needed to do. 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:04.600 So and it was lucky that it didn't phase me 0:01:04.640 --> 0:01:07.000 at all. I was kind of like relieved, like like 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:09.080 this always made sense to and I was like the 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:14.000 universe is just falling into place um and then on 0:01:14.080 --> 0:01:16.800 top of which, when I knew it was the right 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:20.960 time to adopt was it was. I went to like 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:24.120 I was a writer, and I was sort of I 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:25.480 don't know, you're like in your I was in my 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:27.800 early thirties and I had done broken up with somebody, 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:29.479 and I was doing that thing where you're like really 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:35.720 into yourself amazing hard. And I rented a like a 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:38.840 small house in Vermont, like on like Airbnb, but there 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:41.160 was no Airbnb back then, but like that version of something, 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:44.360 and flew to Vermont and like drove like through the 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:47.200 night to this lovely little place by myself, and I 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:50.080 was going to write for a month and like find myself. 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:53.440 I had been reading a lot of Alice Walker. And 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:57.480 the next day eleven happened, and so I was trapped 0:01:57.480 --> 0:01:59.120 in the middle. Basically, I was trapped in the middle 0:01:59.160 --> 0:02:02.080 of nowhere. Nobody I knew, while it felt like the 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:04.640 world was ending, and I was super panicked and just 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:07.120 watching like hour after hour of like what was the 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:10.760 most traumatic stature. And I remember thinking to myself on 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:13.480 on that day, like, oh my god, the world's gonna 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:15.640 end and I will have never been a mom, like 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:17.359 I've never had a baby. I will have never done 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:20.320 the thing that I've always really just felt strongly about 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:22.400 wanting to do. And it was surprising to me that 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:24.480 that was the thing that was at the top of 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:27.160 my list of like this. It wasn't a career thing, 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:29.680 or it wasn't a career thing. It wasn't it wasn't 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:32.520 a guy, it wasn't a I want to travel the world. 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:35.160 It was it was I will never never had a daughter. 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:39.800 And so I went home and I hired an adoption 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:43.359 attorney and literally nine months and two days after eleven, 0:02:44.000 --> 0:02:48.120 Harper was born. What, oh my gosh, I just got 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:52.440 goose bumps, like serious goose bumps. So was it a 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:55.080 public adoption a private adoption? Had you do? Were you 0:02:55.160 --> 0:02:57.360 around people who had adopted before that could help you 0:02:57.400 --> 0:02:59.760 give advice or was it like you googled an adoption 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:01.720 at like I have to say it, Okay, it was 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:05.360 a private adoption. And not only wasn't EYE around anybody 0:03:05.760 --> 0:03:10.240 who had adopted before. I was the only person I knew. 0:03:10.280 --> 0:03:12.760 I mean I was thirty two. Yeah, I was gonna say, 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:15.120 did any of your friends even have babies? Because like, 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:17.360 I was the only person I knew who had a baby, 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:19.760 Like my friends were still going out to the clubs, 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:22.200 Like I was literally the only person knew had a baby, 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.639 and I was the only single mom I lost. Basically, 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:26.520 I feel like some people were like, you lost your mind, 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:30.799 but it felt completely right and completely normal. And my 0:03:30.800 --> 0:03:32.920 friends at thirty two had given me a call saying like, oh, 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:35.160 guess what. I figured out what I'm gonna do after 0:03:35.320 --> 0:03:37.640 sitting in this cottage in Vermont by myself. I'm going 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:39.760 to adopt a baby by myself. I would be like, no, 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:42.960 you're not, Like that's insane. I think all of my 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:45.040 friends thought I had lost my mind, but they were 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:49.080 all very like, Okay, I guess this is happening, you know, 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.160 but they thought I was bonkers. It was it just 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:55.320 didn't mesh with anybody's lifestyle. But you had a real 0:03:55.840 --> 0:03:58.600 feeling like in your gut, and Olivia Pope like gut 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:00.920 you knew what you knew. My gut told me everything 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:03.160 I needed to know, and it did not feel wrong 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:07.320 at all. So how did you find an adoption attorney? Um? 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:09.840 I asked around, like I had you know, if you're 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:11.920 a writer in this town, you have an attorney. I 0:04:11.960 --> 0:04:14.880 asked my attorney to like go out into the attorney 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:18.800 world and ask who adoption attorneys were. I knew, like 0:04:18.880 --> 0:04:22.560 I've done enough reading. Um, if you were going to adopt, 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:25.960 I highly recommend that you read this book by Dan Savage. 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:28.719 Dan Savages book The Kid is my favorite book about 0:04:28.720 --> 0:04:33.680 adoption ever, just because it's so honest and irreverent and raw. 0:04:33.760 --> 0:04:35.799 And it was the first book I read that felt 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.880 like somebody, like you know, somebody with a dark and 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:42.359 twisty mind was adopting a kid versus yeah, versus like 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:44.360 somebody who like should be in good housekeeping, which I 0:04:44.480 --> 0:04:47.960 never was gonna be. Um, what kind of questions did 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:51.240 you like when you knew that you were going to 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:54.280 adopt a baby? Did you know what he or she 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:56.359 looked like? Oh, you said daughter, so you knew it 0:04:56.400 --> 0:04:59.160 was going to be a girl. Did you also find 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:01.960 yourself very selective as far as what that you knew 0:05:01.960 --> 0:05:03.839 you wanted to be a little girl of color, that 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:06.880 you wanted to be a certain age. So so when 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:09.480 I so I found this adoption attorney and I did 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:11.520 that over an agency just because I had read a 0:05:11.560 --> 0:05:13.479 little bit and it seemed like an attorney made sense. 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:16.840 In this state, every law has every state has different laws, 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:19.920 um and every state it works differently, like some states 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:23.559 agencies are better in some states. Whatever. So I found 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:27.880 my adoption attorney and he basically said to me, you 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:31.479 need to be really clear about what you want, like 0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:33.760 and that sounded so weird, like suddenly you feel like 0:05:33.760 --> 0:05:36.039 you're shopping for a person. It's like that. It feels 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:38.760 kind of gross. But he was really clear, he said, 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.520 the clearer you are about what you want, I mean, 0:05:41.560 --> 0:05:43.200 you can say to me that I'm super open, and 0:05:43.240 --> 0:05:46.760 that's fine, But if you're really specific about what it 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:50.800 is that's important to you, then what is in your 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:55.240 head I can put in your arms. So and that 0:05:55.360 --> 0:05:58.200 made sense because think about this idea of for a 0:05:58.240 --> 0:06:00.760 lot of people, and I off this for a lot 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:03.480 of people, they have dreamed of like making a baby 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:05.799 their entire lives, of being pregnant, of having a child 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:09.520 that's biologically linked to them, and then they have to 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:11.680 deal with that grief and that loss of not being 0:06:11.720 --> 0:06:13.920 able to do that. And then once they've dealt with that, 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:15.440 now they have this image in their head of what 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:17.080 they always thought their child was going to be like 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:19.719 and then to have a child put in their arms 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:21.839 that is nothing like their imagination. For a lot of 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:26.359 people that it's very in congress and maybe doesn't work. Um. Plus, 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:30.560 let's be frank people have biases. People just do, and 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:33.479 I frankly do not want a child of color placed 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:35.800 in the arms of somebody who has a bias. Good 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:38.320 But for me, you know, he was like, you know, 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:40.279 what are you looking for? I knew that I wanted 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:42.000 a girl, and I wanted a girl because I was 0:06:42.040 --> 0:06:43.799 a single I knew I was gonna be a single mom, 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:45.040 and if I was going to be a single mom, 0:06:45.279 --> 0:06:47.520 I just felt strongly. While I also believe it's the 0:06:47.520 --> 0:06:54.360 feminist job to raise sons, I felt like as a 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:57.120 single mom, I really wanted I didn't. I was like, 0:06:57.200 --> 0:06:59.000 I know, I know how to teach a young woman, 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:00.120 how to you know, a girl how to be a 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:01.680 young woman. I don't know if I'd know how to 0:07:01.720 --> 0:07:05.120 teach a little boy how to be a man. When 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:07.520 I was just hysterical when I found out that I 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:09.480 was having a boy, and I was like, this is 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:12.880 the worst. Like, I mean, I love him, but I 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:15.960 was horrified. I mean, I'm just so scared about raising 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:19.840 a feminist man in this world. I mean it's it's 0:07:20.160 --> 0:07:21.760 any guy you put out into the world's going to 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.520 be fantastic. Okay, So you knew you wanted a girl 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:29.040 that made sense to you. Yes, I knew I wanted 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:33.520 a girl, And then I knew I wanted an African 0:07:33.560 --> 0:07:35.680 American black. I don't know how, but I knew I 0:07:35.720 --> 0:07:39.400 wanted a brown skinned child who looked like me in 0:07:39.440 --> 0:07:41.840 the sense of I wanted her to be as dark 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:43.960 as me. I wanted her to be darker. I didn't care, 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:46.720 but I wanted to make sure that when we were 0:07:46.800 --> 0:07:51.360 out in public, you know, our skin looked like she 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:54.600 could look at my face and see herself in some way. Um. 0:07:54.640 --> 0:07:57.760 I just think that's important. And I also just felt 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:03.280 like this idea that, um, there's a there's a whole 0:08:03.480 --> 0:08:05.960 colorism thing that happens in this country where people prefer 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:08.640 lighter skinned babies, and I was like, that didn't even 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:11.000 occur to me. I just wanted a brown skinned baby. 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:14.679 What about baby versus? Did you know that you wanted 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:18.000 a baby you were on this journey for in your 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:20.840 mind you had set you knew you wanted a baby. Yeah, 0:08:20.880 --> 0:08:23.600 I mean, the one thing I can be absolutely sure. 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:28.520 I was like, there's this like weird baby fever thing 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:30.600 that overtakes you once to decide you want a kid. 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:35.200 And you know what I'm talking. Were like I would 0:08:35.200 --> 0:08:38.559 see babies in the grocery store and think like if 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:40.280 I just picked that baby up, and just like right, 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:42.440 I have it so bad right now for not even 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:44.840 only my baby, like my baby is not around me 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:47.679 or something that I see a baby. There was a 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:49.280 baby on the plane yesterday and I was in New 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:51.000 York and I was like, excuse me, do you mind 0:08:51.040 --> 0:08:53.080 if I just hold and smell your baby, like for 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:56.440 good five minutes. It's like an addiction. It's bad. Baby 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:59.000 fever is a real thing. Um. And my sister had 0:08:59.040 --> 0:09:00.920 just had some you know, had babies, and I was 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:02.959 just like they just like they were turning three, and 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:04.560 I was like I was missing the baby. I wanted 0:09:04.559 --> 0:09:09.640 a baby. Yeah, did you, um, did you prepare? Did 0:09:09.679 --> 0:09:12.439 you have a baby's room ready? Were you registered? Or 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.560 did you feel like I don't even care about this stuff, 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:18.439 I'm too nervous. How did you feel? Um? I by 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:21.000 the way people respond this way, whether or not it's 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:23.840 biological or adopted, like I know people who you know. 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:25.880 My mom was like, don't don't you dare make a 0:09:25.880 --> 0:09:29.439 baby's room until that baby's out because it's super you know, superstitious. 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:33.600 And the first time around, um, and I do know this, 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:36.880 I feel like everybody, it doesn't matter if you're pregnant 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:40.920 or amisurrogate or we're adopting. Everybody has different plants. The 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:45.640 first time around, I decorated the most beautiful babies room 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:49.440 you've ever seen in your entire life. Um, and it was. 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:55.640 It's an extraordinarily gorgeous baby's room and with every single 0:09:55.679 --> 0:10:00.439 thing in it in the world and it was spectacular. Um. 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:08.640 And then I came home with that baby. Yeah. This, Yes, 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:12.760 that happened. So the second and then it all worked 0:10:12.760 --> 0:10:14.160 out in the end, like I came home with that 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:15.920 baby and then I went back to get the baby. 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:18.920 But it but it was it was the lesson of 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:22.080 a lifetime. Yeah, and it was probably the worst thing 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:25.040 that's ever happened to me in my entire life. So 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:29.280 the second time around, with my second child, I did nothing. 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:31.200 Like I had a room like literally there was like 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:36.160 a starkly empty room with This is how women kind 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:38.439 of protect themselves. I mean, once you've gone through something 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:40.800 like that, did you have was it hard for you 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:42.679 to pick yourself back up? And we've talked about this 0:10:42.720 --> 0:10:45.840 a little bit with adoption. Just it is your cautiously 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:48.839 optimistic the whole time. It's really scary, you know what 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:53.120 it is. And I think for me, I was I've 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:57.600 always been this person who I was always I really 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.520 like bonded with the concept of a birth month and 0:11:00.640 --> 0:11:02.960 like what somebody else is going through and what somebody 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:06.360 else is feeling, because you know, this is as much 0:11:06.480 --> 0:11:08.840 somebody else's journey as it is yours, you know. I 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:11.280 think a lot of people are busy thinking about like 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:13.400 what's happening to me? What's happening to me? This is 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:17.960 I'm getting a baby. One of the things that I 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:19.960 have a lot of friends now who are who adopt, 0:11:20.160 --> 0:11:22.120 and one of the things I always tell them is like, 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:25.400 it is not your baby, Like you are only going 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:28.160 to the hospital to see if maybe this could possibly 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:32.640 be your baby. That's a great change, Like this is 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:35.920 maybe possibly your baby, but this is not your baby. 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:38.840 And when you go to the hospital and when you're there, 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:40.559 I don't care how excited you might be feeling it. 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:42.640 This is not your baby. You're going to be with 0:11:42.679 --> 0:11:46.400 somebody else who's in crisis, who is having a baby 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:50.920 and having their own experience, and nobody tells you that, 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:54.600 do you know what I mean? So yeah, so the 0:11:54.760 --> 0:12:00.840 first time around was a really i opening, like emotional 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:05.080 experience for me and for the birth mom. And to have, 0:12:06.000 --> 0:12:09.760 you know, to to have somebody in like the laws 0:12:09.840 --> 0:12:11.480 of like that state, like we have to make a 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:14.120 decision like right away. To have to make a decision 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:17.400 like that, like twenty four hours after you've had you've 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:21.680 had a baby, He's crazy. And so I absolutely get 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:23.760 why she was like changed my mind not doing this 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:28.600 um and then like I ended up like literally like 0:12:28.760 --> 0:12:31.320 just and by the way, this is another piece of 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.840 advice I give people. Don't pick your baby up by yourself. 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.000 Don't feel pick your baby up by yourself. People, Yeah, 0:12:38.000 --> 0:12:40.560 you need a support network, you need this, Like right 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:42.920 it was, I mean I was this night. I literally 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:44.959 was like I'm decorating a nursery. I'm gonna go pick 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:47.120 up my baby. I'll be home tomorrow. Like it was 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:50.280 so like me and my baby were about to take well. 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:52.080 I was also like I'm a single mother, I'm gonna 0:12:52.160 --> 0:12:54.520 do this. It's gonna be me and the baby. It 0:12:54.559 --> 0:12:57.400 was the dummest thing in the world because then when 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:00.960 you're in the weird devastation mode, you're like, how do 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:02.679 I have to go to the airport and find a 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:05.959 way to get home and figure this whole thing out? Yeah? 0:13:06.480 --> 0:13:09.240 And so I got home and then there's you're staring 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:12.440 at the nursery and then luckily, twenty four hours later, 0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:14.240 I'm getting back on a plane to go back and 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:17.360 pick her up again, which was amazing. But still it 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:20.319 was like up down, up, down, up down, an emotional 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:22.920 whirlwind and it was definitely meant to be. And what 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:24.960 I love about it is I can say to my daughter, like, 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:29.360 you know, your birth mother really really made struggled and 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:31.840 made the you know, worked hard on that decision, and 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:34.600 decision was very stressful for her. But yeah, dying to 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:38.120 know since what's so cool about having harper Um and 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:41.680 Emerson is like, I'm curious to know how you tell 0:13:41.760 --> 0:13:45.600 them and talk to them about adoption. And the conversations 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:49.560 are interesting because I have uh sixteen year old who's adopting. 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:52.000 I have a six year old who's adopted, and I 0:13:52.040 --> 0:13:54.440 have a five year old who's born to be a surrogate, 0:13:54.520 --> 0:14:02.319 who's but is biologically my child. So I'm actually you're 0:14:02.400 --> 0:14:06.160 the master storyteller and vocabulary person, so I'm curing how 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:08.520 you talk. I mean, I would be at a loss. 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:11.000 I've done really well with the adoption thing. And one 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.800 of the things I did with starting with Harper was 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:16.440 from like the day I brought her home, I was 0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:18.800 like telling the adoption story, like I was working on 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.440 the adoption language, so that from the time she was young. 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:23.840 It was never like, oh, you're thirteen, now you can understand. 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:25.360 Now I'm going to tell you. I was putting her 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:27.400 in her career at night and going like I'm so 0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:29.760 glad we got adopted, or aren't we lucky? You know 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.160 some like we adopted each other, Like I was doing 0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:35.920 that from the so that because you sound really dorky 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:38.160 and nervous saying things like that, it's like talking to 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:39.960 your kid about sex or something. It just sound dorky 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:42.720 and nervous like saying these words in the beginning. But 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:45.000 by the time she was three, you said it all 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:46.840 the time. It was nothing I said. It's so much 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:49.240 that it was just like second nature. It's just here, 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:52.440 and I sounded really comfortable and felt really comfortable saying 0:14:52.440 --> 0:14:54.680 and it wasn't awkward for me, and it wasn't awkward 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:56.480 for her so much so that she'd heard it so 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:59.920 much that she was like, yeah, yeah, whatever, this is brilliant. 0:14:59.920 --> 0:15:04.520 I think this is so great. And I remember she danced. 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.600 She was she was at dance class, and she ran 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:09.360 into dance class one day and she was like maybe five, 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:12.320 and she looked at the dance teacher and she said, 0:15:12.840 --> 0:15:16.680 I'm adopted, like it had just occurred to her, like 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:19.520 what it meant. But she said it was such joy 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:21.680 and her dance teacher looked at her and goes, I know, 0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:26.360 and then she like high fived her and then went 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:28.920 on and like that was kind of her moment of 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.560 like understanding what these sentences had meant her whole life, 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:33.760 and she had always heard and now maybe she was 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:36.440 really comprehending with the word at night. And So I've 0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:39.080 been playing with this idea of you answer the questions 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:43.320 they ask, but also just make it a fact of life. 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:46.320 So I did that with Emerson, and I did that 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:49.480 with Harper, and then one day Emerson and Beckett and 0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:52.000 I and we're in bed reading and Beckett said, I'm 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:55.360 so glad we got adopted. And I realized that I've 0:15:56.040 --> 0:16:00.800 maybe missed a step. So Becket's the baby and she's 0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:03.040 not adopted. I realized I missed a step. And I 0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:06.840 suddenly realized I had not quite figured out how to 0:16:06.960 --> 0:16:13.600 explain and how this egg because we you know, all 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:16.840 of these all grown in somebody else's tummies, and you've 0:16:16.880 --> 0:16:19.000 all you know what I mean, and you're all then 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.800 you all came home and it's it's but it's not 0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:24.200 the same, and we all have the same picture with 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:28.640 the adoption attorney, with the adoption judge. The courts are 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:31.040 from the courthouse that day when they're the adoption was official. 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:33.640 Even I even have one with with the judge because 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:34.920 of Becket, because I was like, we have to take 0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:39.480 one with the surrogate. But it's all it's all vague 0:16:39.520 --> 0:16:40.720 to her. And I was like, I don't know how 0:16:40.720 --> 0:16:42.320 to explain this one yet, so I'm working on it. 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:45.760 She's so, how old is she? No, she's four, and 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:48.000 I'm always out of five. I'm always like, we got surrogated. 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:49.480 She's like, I don't know what that is, and I'm 0:16:49.520 --> 0:17:01.760 like I don't know either. Can you talk me through 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:05.800 the first couple weeks and months when you had Harper 0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:08.520 and when you had like did you get her and 0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:13.320 finally and bring her home this and you completely flipped out, 0:17:13.359 --> 0:17:15.879 lost your mind? Did it fit perfectly? Were you like 0:17:16.119 --> 0:17:18.400 calling all of your clubbing friends and you were like, 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:21.359 what was it? Like? It's funny? Okay, So yes, I 0:17:21.400 --> 0:17:24.000 mean I think when when Harper came home. No, I 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:26.160 don't think I flipped out at all. Actually, I think 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:30.480 I was exhausted. Um. I think I was wildly naive 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:33.760 about what having a baby was like, even though I'm 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:35.399 the youngest of six and all my filings said babies. 0:17:35.400 --> 0:17:37.560 I was wildly naive about what having a baby was like. 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:40.560 And I had like a movie do that I was 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:43.119 supposed to be writing that like it was crazy. But 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:47.800 I also feel like I was like so excited to 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:50.840 be a mom and so excited to be there, and 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:52.480 I'm so excited to be doing it. I was fine. 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:55.280 What I think is interesting is people always ask me, 0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:57.320 or they don't ask me, and they kind of want 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:00.240 to ask, like does it feel different? Like you have 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:02.439 like questions you have like a biological kid and you 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:05.840 have to it not at all, like in a weird way. 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:09.320 What's cool is you can really, you can really speak 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:12.679 on this because you have I mean, Beckett looks like you. 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:16.439 Oh yeah, you know, and she looks like the spitting 0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:19.920 image of you to me. Um. And so when people 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:22.159 are saying, oh that biological thing, like you look at 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:24.560 your baby's eyes and you see yourself, Like, do you 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:29.240 feel did it feel different at first? No? It really didn't. 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:32.399 I mean it truly didn't. And it's interesting how much 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:36.520 it didn't. Like Harper and I were like this little 0:18:36.640 --> 0:18:40.479 team forever, and so we were like we were super bonded. 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:43.000 It was just her and I and it never that 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.399 was never a thing that I felt like. I didn't 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:48.280 I looked into her eyes and we weren't reflected in 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:52.080 one another. And then Emerson and I were super bonded, 0:18:52.160 --> 0:18:53.760 like I brought her to work with me every day 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:56.320 and she would sit in the writer's room and I 0:18:56.359 --> 0:18:58.480 was like, she's like somehow she was like my emotional 0:18:58.520 --> 0:19:00.240 soul mate in some deep way. Like I was like, 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:01.879 she's got the soul of a writer and her like 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:04.600 we were that way. Beckett, it was, it was the same. 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:06.320 It was actually in a lot of ways. I was like, 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:09.480 this girl's complicated, like she was. She was the baby 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:10.960 that like to cry a lot, and so I was like, 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:13.639 this is a complicated kid. Well you know what's interesting. 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:16.920 I mean, I know my my my son is I 0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:18.720 pushed him out, but when I brought him home, I 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:21.359 kept saying to Addam for like six weeks, like I 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:23.880 don't feel any I feel like he is a complete 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:27.120 stranger to me. Like I had the hardest time, Like 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:30.000 I'm looking at him and I know I'm supposed to 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:32.240 feel a certain way or I'm supposed to feel this 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:35.040 like bond in a connection he's my son, but I 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:37.520 did not feel that at all. I mean, I was like, 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:39.280 who is this stranger in my house? And why have 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:41.879 you messed up my life? Like it's like this is 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:45.359 not so. I think it's just I think it's different 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:47.359 for each person. Like I just think, I don't know. 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:51.080 I think people like to take things that happen and 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:54.800 attribute them to the nearest possible difference, do you know 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:57.440 what I mean? Like I have a friend who attributes 0:19:57.560 --> 0:19:59.480 everything in her life that doesn't work out to the 0:19:59.480 --> 0:20:01.359