WEBVTT - How to Create Healthy Boundaries w/ Nedra Glover Tawwab 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:10.040 What's up everybody. I'm Gammy and I'm her husband, Rodney, 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:13.360 and this is positively gam How are you doing, Babe? 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:17.040 Doing good? A little cold here though, Yeah, see you 0:00:17.040 --> 0:00:20.880 should be out here with me. And our new addition 0:00:21.640 --> 0:00:26.800 to the family, Duchess. Duchess is giving me hell. Just 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:30.880 all I can say for the listeners. Rodney and I 0:00:31.000 --> 0:00:35.040 have a new addition to our family. We got a puppy. 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:38.520 I had a Chihuahua that we had that I had 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:44.920 for fourteen years, and Bitsy passed in October, and I 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:48.080 have been you know, I just I had to like 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:51.040 take a minute from that because I really loved Bitsy 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:53.519 a lot. I had them for fourteen years, and I 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:59.240 just wasn't ready to get any anything new. And then 0:00:59.280 --> 0:01:04.800 we went on a rescue website and found Duchy and 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:08.399 so yeah, we we found Duchy on the SPC A 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:13.840 l A website and she is a Chihuahua terrier mix. 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:16.640 I can look at her and see that she's gonna 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:19.319 be bigger than Busy was. Busy was our chihuahua. But 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:22.759 she's definitely gonna be bigger than Busy was because Busy 0:01:22.840 --> 0:01:26.920 had those little, tiny legs, those tiny delicate legs and feet. 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:32.120 He was only like five pounds and she's definitely chunkier 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:37.399 than that. She's almost three months old. So yeah, I'm excited. 0:01:37.480 --> 0:01:39.600 I'm excited to have her, but it is going to 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:43.400 be challenging going back to that puppy stage of house breaking, 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:47.400 crate training, all of that, you know, but I signed 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:50.560 up for it. So I'm just really glad that we 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:53.320 could find a dog that needed a home and give 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:57.120 him one, as opposed to just getting something that everybody 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:01.120 else wants, as opposed to take an finding something that 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:06.440 nobody wanted and loving it. Right. Okay, So moving on, 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:10.640 I'm so excited today we have Nedra Glover to walk 0:02:10.840 --> 0:02:14.040 her book, set boundaries and find peace. For those of 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:17.799 you who are Red Table Talk fans, she joined us 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:21.200 on Red Table Talk, so I am so excited to 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:24.880 have her back on to delve a little bit deeper 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:28.040 into boundaries setting because when I read the book for 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:31.680 a second time, I really really there were some points 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:35.600 that really struck me personally. So I'm excited to talk 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:38.600 to her. How do you feel about having nadal on. 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:41.560 This will be your first experience. I'm excited to meet 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:43.600 her and to hear all of her, to hear her 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:48.240 expertise on boundaries. I think that's really important in everyone's life, 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:52.400 and you know, setting them as well as adhering to them. 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:56.000 So I'm looking forward to it. Okay, so let's get started. 0:02:56.080 --> 0:03:06.520 Here's our interview with Nedra. We're so excited to have you, Nedra. 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:11.600 We have Nedra Glover to wob as our guest. Ndra 0:03:11.880 --> 0:03:16.200 is a licensed therapist, sought after relationship expert, and author 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:20.200 of Set Boundaries Fine Piece. Every day she helps people 0:03:20.240 --> 0:03:24.560 create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries, 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:27.040 and I bet we all could use some help with that. 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:30.919 How are you today, Nedra? I am well, how are 0:03:31.000 --> 0:03:34.480 you all? I am so excited to have you back. 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:38.600 I know this is the first time Rodney has experienced you, 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:41.640 but you were and the audience may not know that 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:45.720 you were a guest on Red Table, and let me 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:49.000 tell you that experience, it just wasn't enough for me, 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:51.320 and I was like, I've got to have her on positively, 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:57.320 gam reading your book is like it's like a therapy session, truly, 0:03:57.480 --> 0:04:01.000 It's it's so much helpful information in there and for 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:05.120 me personally, So I want to ask you what drew 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:10.360 you to therapy as a career path. I feel like 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:15.760 I have been an easy person to talk to always, 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:20.240 like in childhood as a teenager, I love listening to people. 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:26.400 I've always been a student of personal development and self help, 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:32.320 so I really naturally like to listen to people, and professionally. 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:36.200 I didn't grow up knowing any therapists. I knew about psychiatrists. 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:39.200 I knew about a lot of other things. But when 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:42.960 I started college and I discovered therapy, I was like, 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:45.840 that's it. After my first client, that first session, I 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:49.720 was like, Oh, this is it, Like this is what Yeah, 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.480 this is what I like to do. Anyway. I used 0:04:52.520 --> 0:04:56.120 to get in trouble in school for you know, starting conversations, 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:58.640 to listen and you know all that stuff. So this 0:04:58.800 --> 0:05:03.360 is very natural for me. So what made you interest 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:08.440 in boundaries specifically as an area to like explore and 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:12.760 expound on and study Again, I think this is something 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:16.920 I started early, and it's not what's taught to therapists 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:22.719 were not taught about the importance of boundaries assertiveness. But 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:27.680 boundaries can really break a lot of generational patterns that 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:31.160 I saw in families. I used to be a therapist 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:36.280 with children and foster care and their parents and so 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:39.400 many of those stories. I was just like, well, why 0:05:39.480 --> 0:05:42.080 didn't you tell the uncle he could live here? Or 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:44.520 why was this? You know, I just had so many 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:47.920 questions because there was such a huge lack of boundaries 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.800 that I thought, you know, I wonder if we have 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:55.359 more information around the ability to say no to our family, 0:05:55.400 --> 0:05:58.480 ability to say no to family, friends, and all of 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:01.479 this sort of stuff, well we be better off. But 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:03.919 I don't think that's the thing that's taught, because we 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:08.080 are often taught that saying no is mean, it's inappropriate, 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:11.520 is not what we should do. That's your cousin, this 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:16.799 is your that, And sometimes those things create bigger problems. 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:18.960 Like I said, I was working in foster care, so 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:23.640 some of those lack of boundaries were creating huge issue 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:27.760 in the family. Yeah, boundaries with family and friends can 0:06:27.800 --> 0:06:31.400 be the most difficult. But I want to ask you, Rodney, 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:35.840 how do you feel about boundaries you set in work 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:39.480 and in your personal life. Do you think it's easier 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:42.359 for you to set boundaries and work. I think it 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:44.960 is easier for me to set boundaries and work. I 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:47.919 think it's typically easy for me anyway, I'm sort of 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:51.479 a private person, so I think the boundaries work in reverse. 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:54.000 For me. I kind of don't let people in, so 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.400 I may suffer in relationships as a result of that. 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:01.320 But I'm very private. But at work, you know, I 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:03.840 own a company. I actually we're kind of in the 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:07.719 same area. I own a mental health agency, so we 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:11.520 have therapists and all of those things on staff. And 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:15.440 you know, I find that people want their needs met, 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:21.120 whether it's clients, staff, whomever. So they'll typically if they 0:07:21.120 --> 0:07:24.800 get the wrong answer from one of their direct reports, 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.880 they'll circumvent that process and try to come to me 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:30.640 to get what it is they want. And I just 0:07:30.680 --> 0:07:33.280 think that's human nature. Most people just want, you know, 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:37.440 to get their needs met natur. Do you think that 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:42.720 there are certain personality types that find it more difficult 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:48.640 to set boundaries personality types? Absolutely. I have been asked 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:52.880 if there are certain boundary differences between men and women, 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:57.560 and Botty was speaking, I was like, I hear men 0:07:57.840 --> 0:08:01.640 being more assertive, and we know that for women it 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:06.880 could be really challenging to set boundaries in the workspace. 0:08:07.160 --> 0:08:10.320 In families, you know, you'd be labeled the me auntie. 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.440 You you know, you'd be labeled the mean lady at work. 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:16.360 You know, all of this sort of stuff, and that 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:20.080 really gets to women in a way that it just 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.680 doesn't get to me. And I can't even think of 0:08:22.760 --> 0:08:26.239 like parenting. You know, women feel some sort of way 0:08:26.360 --> 0:08:29.680 about denying their child to extra piece of candy. You know. 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:33.240 The dad is just like, no, that's it, and you're like, oh, 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:35.920 but it's just a kid cat, you know, it's just 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:39.040 something about us. And I just be wanting to take 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.160 it out and throw it away sometime, like just take 0:08:41.240 --> 0:08:53.160 this bleeding heart out. I don't want it. So when 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:57.720 I went over the book again, something's really stuck out 0:08:57.800 --> 0:09:01.400 to me for me personally, and I don't think that 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:06.559 before I read the book that I ever thought about 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:14.520 setting boundaries on how you respond and react two things 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:19.559 is a choice. I never thought about that in that way. 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:21.840 And let me give you an example. This is something 0:09:21.880 --> 0:09:24.600 that Rodney and I have been dealing with in our 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:28.160 relationship and some boundaries that he has set with me. 0:09:28.920 --> 0:09:33.560 Because when I get angry, the way I respond is 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:39.920 to holler and cuss. So I'm going to scream at you, 0:09:40.000 --> 0:09:43.320 holler at you, and I'm probably gonna cuss you out. 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:48.520 Rodney doesn't tolerate that, but that's what I'm used to doing. 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:53.839 And I never realized that until I listened to your book. 0:09:54.040 --> 0:09:57.959 That is a choice that I've made to respond that way, 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:02.920 and that I can make a choice to respond differently. 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:06.480 And it's been a struggle for me because Rodney does 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:10.920 not tolerate that, and so I had to find another way. 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:14.360 But in me trying to find another way, I told him, 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:18.640 you remember, Rodney, I said, well, you're preventing me from 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:22.839 expressing my anger. So I feel like that's gonna be 0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:26.280 detrimental to me because now I'm gonna be have all 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:29.800 this anger inside of me that I can't get out 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:34.680 because you don't want me to yell at you. But 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:43.640 that's but I'm releasing that emotion, right, That's yeah, but 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:47.800 exactly exactly. And I had to really when I read 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:49.959 the book, I had to really think about it because 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:55.000 I'm like, well, I don't throw things, I don't hit him, 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:58.640 so I'm making a choice to holler. I'm making a 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:02.559 choice not to hit them, or not to hit anybody 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:04.440 that I'm angry with, you know what I mean. And 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:07.840 I never thought about it that way. Can you recommend 0:11:07.840 --> 0:11:12.600 ways for people to find ways to set boundaries on 0:11:12.720 --> 0:11:15.480 how they react and respond to things. How do you 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:21.200 train yourself? I guess here's my question. I wonder sometimes 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:26.600 when we respond with anger, with yelling, with hitting, with 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:30.040 punching holes in the wall and those sort of things, 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:34.520 how is that different from kicking our shoes off in 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:38.240 a restaurant if we get upset? How is that different 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:42.240 from you know, road rage? How is that different from 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:45.680 all these things that we're actually controlling ourselves, you know, 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:50.560 these scenarios, we're controlling our behavior. So why in this 0:11:50.640 --> 0:11:54.160 situation am I now making the choice with this safe 0:11:54.200 --> 0:11:56.920 person that I love to really let it out on them. 0:11:57.280 --> 0:12:00.320 If I can control myself in a restaurant, in the 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:04.120 car when I'm talking to you know, my friend, I 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:06.800 can control myself with this person too, And a lot 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.480 of those tools are going to be the same. There's 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:13.559 something you're telling yourself in those moments. There's another behavior 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:19.040 you're tapping into other than cousin and screaming. So whatever 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:22.080 you're doing in those scenarios, you can apply it here. 0:12:22.160 --> 0:12:26.600 But I think you can get your anger out by 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:31.640 speaking about it using different words, because it's not just anger. 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:36.440 It's frustration, is feeling hurt, it's sadness. It's a lot 0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:39.360 of stuff in there. And if we say just anger, 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:42.520 I think of anger as this emotion that's a safe 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:45.120 and easy go to and it seems so hardcore to 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.560 be angry. I mean, it's just like I'm angry, and 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:52.720 it's like, yes, but don't you want to cry to No, 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:55.560 You're so right, so right, because that's what I'll be 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:58.840 trying to explain to him that I'm frustrated. I have 0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:02.200 so many emotion is going on right now. I know 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:06.600 you want to say something, Rodney. I think it's I 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:09.920 think it's learned behavior too. I think that that is 0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:12.480 how you let me finish. I think that is how 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:17.400 you responded in previous relationships, so when you heard similar 0:13:18.160 --> 0:13:23.400 or when you were confronted with certain conversation a lot 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:26.840 of times. I think it was a defense mechanism as 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:30.720 well as just this is how I respond in this 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:34.280 situation typically, and didn't really give a lot of thought 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:37.600 to it. It's just you say this. I say that 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:40.280 I don't, you know, I don't feel like you and 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:43.320 I would always have to remind you, hey, we're just 0:13:43.400 --> 0:13:47.520 having conversations like we're not arguing. I don't, I'm not. 0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:51.760 This is not anything to argue about. We're just having conversation, 0:13:52.040 --> 0:13:54.760 and why are you getting so elevated? And then you 0:13:54.800 --> 0:13:57.840 would kind of like okay, yeah, you're right, or we 0:13:57.880 --> 0:14:00.120 would not be able to have the conversation because I 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:02.280 wouldn't talk to you when you were like that, And 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:05.760 then an hour or two later you'd come back and 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:08.840 you say, you know, I thought about it, and we 0:14:08.840 --> 0:14:12.640 were able to have that conversation, you know, like like 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:16.760 human beings, right, But what was it about you or 0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:19.480 what were you feeling? I mean, why was that a boundary? 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:22.600 Because your boundary was You're not going to talk to 0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:27.200 me that way because I feel like I require and 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:31.360 deserve a level of respect and I'm not gonna treat 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:33.960 you in that way. And but nor am I going 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:36.920 to allow you or anyone else to kind of you know, 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:38.880 talk to me and to mean me and that way 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:41.800 and that way either. And I felt like most of 0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:44.920 the time, nine of the time, we weren't talking about 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:49.840 anything that required a response of anger and frustration. It 0:14:49.920 --> 0:14:52.960 was I disagree with that. I disagree with that a 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:54.920 lot of time, and I feel like that. There's a 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:58.160 little bit of gas lighting in there. You're deciding for 0:14:58.320 --> 0:15:04.800 me what's important and what I huh, I didn't say 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:09.240 it wasn't important. I said it didn't require that level 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:13.200 of elevation. So what I hear is you you all 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:17.080 respond in different ways, right for you, Rodney, It seems 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:20.800 like there are certain situations that require this, and there 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:25.520 are certain situations that could be here. And I wonder, 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:30.240 you know, because we express feelings in different ways. My 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:34.320 situations that you may think are here could be here, right, 0:15:34.520 --> 0:15:38.400 Like all we all feel different things at different times. 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:45.280 But if there's a situation where you are yelling and screaming, 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:49.840 how else can that be expressed? Y'alling is screaming to 0:15:49.960 --> 0:15:52.360 me in the case, I want to be heard. I 0:15:52.440 --> 0:15:55.520 want to be heard. Listen to me. What I'm saying 0:15:55.640 --> 0:15:59.240 is important. Please don't dismiss me. I will say it louder, 0:15:59.280 --> 0:16:01.960 I will scream, I will cuss, I would do everything 0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:06.600 for you to hear me, right, I agree? Yeah, And 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:11.640 I do think that you know, in my previous relationships 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:16.200 and growing up looking back over over, because I'm the 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:20.360 youngest and I do have a history of just feeling 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:25.360 like I was never heard that my opinions weren't respected 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:30.120 or people didn't really feel like I had anything to say. 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:36.800 Mm hmm. So that could explain why I react the 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.280 way I do. And you are right, Rodney, I would 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:41.720 that is a behavior I was used to. But when 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:43.800 you first said it that it was learned, I thought 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:46.400 you meant that I had learned that I saw that 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:49.280 in like maybe my parents or something like that, and 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:54.680 that wasn't true because they didn't argue at all. So yeah, okay, 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:58.800 so that makes sense to me, Nedra that yeah, that 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:02.240 I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, and so I 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:06.520 get very elevated. I wonder if the boundary for you, 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:11.200 Gammy is I need to feel heard. So when we're talking, 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:14.399 this is what I need from you, And what are 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:17.680 those things like, you know, I contact you to put 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:22.239 a hand on my leg YouTube, give vocal indication that 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:25.040 you understand, like I understand you, I hear you, like, 0:17:25.480 --> 0:17:28.479 what are those things so that I'm not you know, 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:31.960 going back to this behavior yelling, because I see that 0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:36.000 you are listening to me, that you are valuing what 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:39.040 I'm saying in these moments. I don't even think it 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:42.720 was that with Rodney. I think I just automatically went there. 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:47.520 There's a lot of different emotions happening at the same time, 0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:51.960 So there's frustration, there's anger, there's hurt, there's all of 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:56.879 those emotions, and so I immediately go into that high 0:17:57.000 --> 0:18:02.639 level of response. And I'm just retraining myself now because 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:05.639 I see that where it was acceptable with other people, 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:09.359 it's not acceptable with him. And he's actually correct that 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:14.400 we hear each other better if we're talking and if 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:18.240 I'm not screaming, and if I'm calm, then I can 0:18:18.320 --> 0:18:22.119 hear him and he can hear me. So but it 0:18:22.280 --> 0:18:25.280 still doesn't happen. I mean, it was almost like a 0:18:25.400 --> 0:18:27.960 guarantee it at one point when we first got together, 0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:32.160 and it doesn't happen that often anymore. So No, I'm 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:46.000 doing so much better. Natural. What is your advice for 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:51.480 setting boundaries with getting other family members involved in relationships? 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:55.000 Like you know, I don't necessarily, we don't necessarily think 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:58.359 it's a good idea. When you may have well, I 0:18:58.400 --> 0:19:03.560 would say other family and friends into personal relationship issues, 0:19:04.359 --> 0:19:07.160 and then everybody's got to put their two cents into it. 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:10.400 I don't think that's such a good idea. I think 0:19:10.400 --> 0:19:14.360 it's a terrible idea because what happens is we are 0:19:14.440 --> 0:19:19.119 still very mad at Rodney. Meanwhile, you and Ronnie holding hands, 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:23.120 y'all going on vacation, and I'm still thinking about two 0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:26.200 years ago when Ronnie came over here and you were 0:19:26.280 --> 0:19:29.160 so mad you left the house. I can't get over 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:32.320 it like you, because I'm not having all of these 0:19:32.400 --> 0:19:36.800 positive experiences with your partner. And so if you really 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:40.360 want me to be fair and balanced in your relationships, 0:19:40.680 --> 0:19:43.120 there are some things that I don't need to know 0:19:43.600 --> 0:19:48.720 about your relationship because that is your information. Perhaps to 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:52.240 work out for sure with your partner, maybe with the therapist, 0:19:52.680 --> 0:19:55.399 maybe there is some other person in your life. But 0:19:55.520 --> 0:19:58.600 with your close friends and family that could be tough 0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:03.200 because they don't let things go like you do. Yeah, yeah, 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:06.720 What advice do you share with your clients when they 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:09.480 come to you and say they don't have good boundaries 0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:12.880 in general with their family or close friends. I give 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:15.920 you an example about I have a friend, Well, I've 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.280 had I've had this a couple of times in my 0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:23.960 life where friends have come to borrow money, right, and 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:28.080 you know I would do it a couple of times, 0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:33.119 and I already understand that typically if I'm lending money, 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:35.640 I already have in my mind that I'm not gonna 0:20:35.640 --> 0:20:37.919 get it back, So I'm not going to lend you 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:43.120 anything that if I can't afford to do it. But still, 0:20:43.160 --> 0:20:47.480 I felt like this person was constantly coming borrowing money, 0:20:47.520 --> 0:20:50.480 and I just it's just not a good idea. I 0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:53.199 didn't want the friendship to be based on that. I 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.119 didn't feel like, I'm not the bank. I'm not. I 0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:59.879 don't want anyone to rely on me for that, you know, 0:21:00.160 --> 0:21:05.320 I'm not the fixer, And so setting a boundary with 0:21:05.480 --> 0:21:08.880 that was it was difficult for me because they were friends, 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:14.000 and I kind of ended up putting it on Rodney. 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:21.160 Why know back my husband's boundary and I want mine back. 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:28.120 You need all your wants, But how do you how 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:32.800 do you deal with those situations? I think you mentioned bank, 0:21:32.880 --> 0:21:34.879 and I think about a bank. When you want to 0:21:34.880 --> 0:21:39.600 borrow money from the bank, they have a loan application, correct, yes, 0:21:40.119 --> 0:21:44.919 what's on your loan application? Like I just wonder, like, 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:48.919 what is your criteria for loaning money? And that's what 0:21:49.040 --> 0:21:51.760 I talked to, Like when they getting these situations of 0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:54.679 loaning money, what is your criteria you are only helping 0:21:54.720 --> 0:21:57.639 these situations. You will only go up to this mount. 0:21:57.800 --> 0:22:02.000 It has to be paid bye by this time. The 0:22:02.080 --> 0:22:06.280 person has to actually have a relationship with you where 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:08.720 they check on you, you check on them like it 0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:12.119 is some healthy back and forth happening. Here is this 0:22:12.240 --> 0:22:17.399 a crisis? Like, what is your criteria for loaning people money? 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:19.720 Most of us go into it with no criteria. We 0:22:19.880 --> 0:22:22.919 just trust in the person. You know, here's two hundred dollars. 0:22:22.920 --> 0:22:25.320 Just give it back to me when you can. I 0:22:25.400 --> 0:22:29.040 don't know a bill collector on this earth that puts 0:22:29.359 --> 0:22:33.880 when you can on a bill that's not stape. They 0:22:33.920 --> 0:22:36.800 wanted by the fifteenth if after the fifteenth is twenty 0:22:36.840 --> 0:22:40.760 dollars extra, What is your criteria? If you're going to 0:22:40.880 --> 0:22:44.200 loan the money, you have to go into it with 0:22:44.400 --> 0:22:48.679 This is my expectation, and sometimes it's you know, I 0:22:48.800 --> 0:22:52.320 understand this is a tough situation, particularly when we're helping 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:55.360 people through a crisis. I'm not loaning this money. I'm 0:22:55.400 --> 0:22:58.280 giving you a gift. You know, you can say that 0:22:58.359 --> 0:23:00.919 to people so they're not dodging you, or you know, 0:23:01.000 --> 0:23:03.880 all of these interesting things people do when they owe 0:23:03.880 --> 0:23:07.439 your money. But if you want to loan, go into 0:23:07.560 --> 0:23:11.640 it with these are my boundaries, and this is my expectation. 0:23:12.480 --> 0:23:15.439 Got it? Got it? Yeah? I never did that. I 0:23:15.520 --> 0:23:18.640 never felt like I have to say that. I never 0:23:18.760 --> 0:23:22.960 felt like the asp was frivolous. There was always a need, 0:23:23.760 --> 0:23:28.040 but I did not have any I never even asked 0:23:28.040 --> 0:23:31.320 to be paid back. I never even asked for that 0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:34.480 because I just feel like if people are asking for it, 0:23:34.600 --> 0:23:37.520 they probably just don't have it anyway. So I never 0:23:37.600 --> 0:23:40.120 even asked for the money back. I just typically don't 0:23:40.119 --> 0:23:42.960 do that. And now I just don't loan money anymore. 0:23:43.240 --> 0:23:45.080 I just got to that point where I just I 0:23:45.160 --> 0:23:57.960 don't do it. Let's talk just a little bit about 0:23:58.800 --> 0:24:03.320 why it is difficult. What is it that makes it 0:24:03.400 --> 0:24:09.280 so difficult to set boundaries with close friends and family 0:24:09.480 --> 0:24:15.679 in particular, I find that so difficult. We care about 0:24:15.680 --> 0:24:18.720 the relationship and we care what the person things, and 0:24:18.760 --> 0:24:24.000 with family, the relationships are so intertwined. If you upset 0:24:24.080 --> 0:24:28.000 this one person, it upsets five people. If you say 0:24:28.080 --> 0:24:31.160 no to this one person, they're gonna call it a mama. 0:24:31.359 --> 0:24:33.600 Then their mama gonna be calling your mama, and then 0:24:33.640 --> 0:24:37.239 the aunts yado, and I mean, the stuff is just 0:24:37.280 --> 0:24:40.160 so connected where it's just like, yeah, you could come 0:24:40.200 --> 0:24:43.119 stay over here because you rather not even here the 0:24:43.160 --> 0:24:46.119 whole thing about it. But you need to be in 0:24:46.160 --> 0:24:48.719 the person, the person, and the most of us need 0:24:48.760 --> 0:24:50.639 to be the person in the family, because there is 0:24:50.680 --> 0:24:53.919 one of most families where you know, you know, no, 0:24:54.119 --> 0:24:56.919 not uncle or not aunt, like they are very clear, 0:24:57.359 --> 0:25:01.399 no we I don't cook for Thanksgiving. You know, it's like, no, 0:25:01.840 --> 0:25:04.560 you cannot come over here with your dog, like they 0:25:04.600 --> 0:25:09.640 are very clear about these things. How do you become 0:25:10.080 --> 0:25:14.119 hopefully one of many people who can speak those things 0:25:14.560 --> 0:25:18.280 and not necessarily just not care because we do care, 0:25:18.800 --> 0:25:22.560 but so speak those things, care and continue to speak 0:25:22.600 --> 0:25:25.080 them because there are some things that you don't like. 0:25:25.480 --> 0:25:28.320 There are some preferences that you do have, and it 0:25:28.400 --> 0:25:32.720 should certainly be okay to have those preferences in the 0:25:32.760 --> 0:25:36.480 relationships with the people that we are closest to to 0:25:36.600 --> 0:25:39.879 the relationships that we really value. I don't want to 0:25:39.920 --> 0:25:43.359 be known well by a bunch of strangers. I want 0:25:43.760 --> 0:25:47.000 the people who live in my home, the people who 0:25:47.240 --> 0:25:50.440 you know I talked to most often, to understand who 0:25:50.480 --> 0:25:54.560 I am. So when you set boundaries with people, is 0:25:54.560 --> 0:25:58.520 it a matter of when you're setting the boundaries that 0:25:58.600 --> 0:26:03.119 you're explaining the why is that? Is that helpful? Is 0:26:03.119 --> 0:26:09.160 that necessary? That can be challenging, particularly in families, because 0:26:10.359 --> 0:26:13.280 they can talk you right out of that. Why they 0:26:13.320 --> 0:26:17.200 know a lot of stuff about you and your history 0:26:17.359 --> 0:26:20.280