Speaker 1: What's up everybody. I'm Gammy and I'm her husband, Rodney,
Speaker 1: and this is positively gam How are you doing, Babe?
Speaker 1: Doing good? A little cold here though, Yeah, see you
Speaker 1: should be out here with me. And our new addition
Speaker 1: to the family, Duchess. Duchess is giving me hell. Just
Speaker 1: all I can say for the listeners. Rodney and I
Speaker 1: have a new addition to our family. We got a puppy.
Speaker 1: I had a Chihuahua that we had that I had
Speaker 1: for fourteen years, and Bitsy passed in October, and I
Speaker 1: have been you know, I just I had to like
Speaker 1: take a minute from that because I really loved Bitsy
Speaker 1: a lot. I had them for fourteen years, and I
Speaker 1: just wasn't ready to get any anything new. And then
Speaker 1: we went on a rescue website and found Duchy and
Speaker 1: so yeah, we we found Duchy on the SPC A
Speaker 1: l A website and she is a Chihuahua terrier mix.
Speaker 1: I can look at her and see that she's gonna
Speaker 1: be bigger than Busy was. Busy was our chihuahua. But
Speaker 1: she's definitely gonna be bigger than Busy was because Busy
Speaker 1: had those little, tiny legs, those tiny delicate legs and feet.
Speaker 1: He was only like five pounds and she's definitely chunkier
Speaker 1: than that. She's almost three months old. So yeah, I'm excited.
Speaker 1: I'm excited to have her, but it is going to
Speaker 1: be challenging going back to that puppy stage of house breaking,
Speaker 1: crate training, all of that, you know, but I signed
Speaker 1: up for it. So I'm just really glad that we
Speaker 1: could find a dog that needed a home and give
Speaker 1: him one, as opposed to just getting something that everybody
Speaker 1: else wants, as opposed to take an finding something that
Speaker 1: nobody wanted and loving it. Right. Okay, So moving on,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited today we have Nedra Glover to walk
Speaker 1: her book, set boundaries and find peace. For those of
Speaker 1: you who are Red Table Talk fans, she joined us
Speaker 1: on Red Table Talk, so I am so excited to
Speaker 1: have her back on to delve a little bit deeper
Speaker 1: into boundaries setting because when I read the book for
Speaker 1: a second time, I really really there were some points
Speaker 1: that really struck me personally. So I'm excited to talk
Speaker 1: to her. How do you feel about having nadal on.
Speaker 1: This will be your first experience. I'm excited to meet
Speaker 1: her and to hear all of her, to hear her
Speaker 1: expertise on boundaries. I think that's really important in everyone's life,
Speaker 1: and you know, setting them as well as adhering to them.
Speaker 1: So I'm looking forward to it. Okay, so let's get started.
Speaker 1: Here's our interview with Nedra. We're so excited to have you, Nedra.
Speaker 1: We have Nedra Glover to wob as our guest. Ndra
Speaker 1: is a licensed therapist, sought after relationship expert, and author
Speaker 1: of Set Boundaries Fine Piece. Every day she helps people
Speaker 1: create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries,
Speaker 1: and I bet we all could use some help with that.
Speaker 1: How are you today, Nedra? I am well, how are
Speaker 1: you all? I am so excited to have you back.
Speaker 1: I know this is the first time Rodney has experienced you,
Speaker 1: but you were and the audience may not know that
Speaker 1: you were a guest on Red Table, and let me
Speaker 1: tell you that experience, it just wasn't enough for me,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I've got to have her on positively,
Speaker 1: gam reading your book is like it's like a therapy session, truly,
Speaker 1: It's it's so much helpful information in there and for
Speaker 1: me personally, So I want to ask you what drew
Speaker 1: you to therapy as a career path. I feel like
Speaker 1: I have been an easy person to talk to always,
Speaker 1: like in childhood as a teenager, I love listening to people.
Speaker 1: I've always been a student of personal development and self help,
Speaker 1: so I really naturally like to listen to people, and professionally.
Speaker 1: I didn't grow up knowing any therapists. I knew about psychiatrists.
Speaker 1: I knew about a lot of other things. But when
Speaker 1: I started college and I discovered therapy, I was like,
Speaker 1: that's it. After my first client, that first session, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, this is it, Like this is what Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is what I like to do. Anyway. I used
Speaker 1: to get in trouble in school for you know, starting conversations,
Speaker 1: to listen and you know all that stuff. So this
Speaker 1: is very natural for me. So what made you interest
Speaker 1: in boundaries specifically as an area to like explore and
Speaker 1: expound on and study Again, I think this is something
Speaker 1: I started early, and it's not what's taught to therapists
Speaker 1: were not taught about the importance of boundaries assertiveness. But
Speaker 1: boundaries can really break a lot of generational patterns that
Speaker 1: I saw in families. I used to be a therapist
Speaker 1: with children and foster care and their parents and so
Speaker 1: many of those stories. I was just like, well, why
Speaker 1: didn't you tell the uncle he could live here? Or
Speaker 1: why was this? You know, I just had so many
Speaker 1: questions because there was such a huge lack of boundaries
Speaker 1: that I thought, you know, I wonder if we have
Speaker 1: more information around the ability to say no to our family,
Speaker 1: ability to say no to family, friends, and all of
Speaker 1: this sort of stuff, well we be better off. But
Speaker 1: I don't think that's the thing that's taught, because we
Speaker 1: are often taught that saying no is mean, it's inappropriate,
Speaker 1: is not what we should do. That's your cousin, this
Speaker 1: is your that, And sometimes those things create bigger problems.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I was working in foster care, so
Speaker 1: some of those lack of boundaries were creating huge issue
Speaker 1: in the family. Yeah, boundaries with family and friends can
Speaker 1: be the most difficult. But I want to ask you, Rodney,
Speaker 1: how do you feel about boundaries you set in work
Speaker 1: and in your personal life. Do you think it's easier
Speaker 1: for you to set boundaries and work. I think it
Speaker 1: is easier for me to set boundaries and work. I
Speaker 1: think it's typically easy for me anyway, I'm sort of
Speaker 1: a private person, so I think the boundaries work in reverse.
Speaker 1: For me. I kind of don't let people in, so
Speaker 1: I may suffer in relationships as a result of that.
Speaker 1: But I'm very private. But at work, you know, I
Speaker 1: own a company. I actually we're kind of in the
Speaker 1: same area. I own a mental health agency, so we
Speaker 1: have therapists and all of those things on staff. And
Speaker 1: you know, I find that people want their needs met,
Speaker 1: whether it's clients, staff, whomever. So they'll typically if they
Speaker 1: get the wrong answer from one of their direct reports,
Speaker 1: they'll circumvent that process and try to come to me
Speaker 1: to get what it is they want. And I just
Speaker 1: think that's human nature. Most people just want, you know,
Speaker 1: to get their needs met natur. Do you think that
Speaker 1: there are certain personality types that find it more difficult
Speaker 1: to set boundaries personality types? Absolutely. I have been asked
Speaker 1: if there are certain boundary differences between men and women,
Speaker 1: and Botty was speaking, I was like, I hear men
Speaker 1: being more assertive, and we know that for women it
Speaker 1: could be really challenging to set boundaries in the workspace.
Speaker 1: In families, you know, you'd be labeled the me auntie.
Speaker 1: You you know, you'd be labeled the mean lady at work.
Speaker 1: You know, all of this sort of stuff, and that
Speaker 1: really gets to women in a way that it just
Speaker 1: doesn't get to me. And I can't even think of
Speaker 1: like parenting. You know, women feel some sort of way
Speaker 1: about denying their child to extra piece of candy. You know.
Speaker 1: The dad is just like, no, that's it, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: but it's just a kid cat, you know, it's just
Speaker 1: something about us. And I just be wanting to take
Speaker 1: it out and throw it away sometime, like just take
Speaker 1: this bleeding heart out. I don't want it. So when
Speaker 1: I went over the book again, something's really stuck out
Speaker 1: to me for me personally, and I don't think that
Speaker 1: before I read the book that I ever thought about
Speaker 1: setting boundaries on how you respond and react two things
Speaker 1: is a choice. I never thought about that in that way.
Speaker 1: And let me give you an example. This is something
Speaker 1: that Rodney and I have been dealing with in our
Speaker 1: relationship and some boundaries that he has set with me.
Speaker 1: Because when I get angry, the way I respond is
Speaker 1: to holler and cuss. So I'm going to scream at you,
Speaker 1: holler at you, and I'm probably gonna cuss you out.
Speaker 1: Rodney doesn't tolerate that, but that's what I'm used to doing.
Speaker 1: And I never realized that until I listened to your book.
Speaker 1: That is a choice that I've made to respond that way,
Speaker 1: and that I can make a choice to respond differently.
Speaker 1: And it's been a struggle for me because Rodney does
Speaker 1: not tolerate that, and so I had to find another way.
Speaker 1: But in me trying to find another way, I told him,
Speaker 1: you remember, Rodney, I said, well, you're preventing me from
Speaker 1: expressing my anger. So I feel like that's gonna be
Speaker 1: detrimental to me because now I'm gonna be have all
Speaker 1: this anger inside of me that I can't get out
Speaker 1: because you don't want me to yell at you. But
Speaker 1: that's but I'm releasing that emotion, right, That's yeah, but
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. And I had to really when I read
Speaker 1: the book, I had to really think about it because
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I don't throw things, I don't hit him,
Speaker 1: so I'm making a choice to holler. I'm making a
Speaker 1: choice not to hit them, or not to hit anybody
Speaker 1: that I'm angry with, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: I never thought about it that way. Can you recommend
Speaker 1: ways for people to find ways to set boundaries on
Speaker 1: how they react and respond to things. How do you
Speaker 1: train yourself? I guess here's my question. I wonder sometimes
Speaker 1: when we respond with anger, with yelling, with hitting, with
Speaker 1: punching holes in the wall and those sort of things,
Speaker 1: how is that different from kicking our shoes off in
Speaker 1: a restaurant if we get upset? How is that different
Speaker 1: from you know, road rage? How is that different from
Speaker 1: all these things that we're actually controlling ourselves, you know,
Speaker 1: these scenarios, we're controlling our behavior. So why in this
Speaker 1: situation am I now making the choice with this safe
Speaker 1: person that I love to really let it out on them.
Speaker 1: If I can control myself in a restaurant, in the
Speaker 1: car when I'm talking to you know, my friend, I
Speaker 1: can control myself with this person too, And a lot
Speaker 1: of those tools are going to be the same. There's
Speaker 1: something you're telling yourself in those moments. There's another behavior
Speaker 1: you're tapping into other than cousin and screaming. So whatever
Speaker 1: you're doing in those scenarios, you can apply it here.
Speaker 1: But I think you can get your anger out by
Speaker 1: speaking about it using different words, because it's not just anger.
Speaker 1: It's frustration, is feeling hurt, it's sadness. It's a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff in there. And if we say just anger,
Speaker 1: I think of anger as this emotion that's a safe
Speaker 1: and easy go to and it seems so hardcore to
Speaker 1: be angry. I mean, it's just like I'm angry, and
Speaker 1: it's like, yes, but don't you want to cry to No,
Speaker 1: You're so right, so right, because that's what I'll be
Speaker 1: trying to explain to him that I'm frustrated. I have
Speaker 1: so many emotion is going on right now. I know
Speaker 1: you want to say something, Rodney. I think it's I
Speaker 1: think it's learned behavior too. I think that that is
Speaker 1: how you let me finish. I think that is how
Speaker 1: you responded in previous relationships, so when you heard similar
Speaker 1: or when you were confronted with certain conversation a lot
Speaker 1: of times. I think it was a defense mechanism as
Speaker 1: well as just this is how I respond in this
Speaker 1: situation typically, and didn't really give a lot of thought
Speaker 1: to it. It's just you say this. I say that
Speaker 1: I don't, you know, I don't feel like you and
Speaker 1: I would always have to remind you, hey, we're just
Speaker 1: having conversations like we're not arguing. I don't, I'm not.
Speaker 1: This is not anything to argue about. We're just having conversation,
Speaker 1: and why are you getting so elevated? And then you
Speaker 1: would kind of like okay, yeah, you're right, or we
Speaker 1: would not be able to have the conversation because I
Speaker 1: wouldn't talk to you when you were like that, And
Speaker 1: then an hour or two later you'd come back and
Speaker 1: you say, you know, I thought about it, and we
Speaker 1: were able to have that conversation, you know, like like
Speaker 1: human beings, right, But what was it about you or
Speaker 1: what were you feeling? I mean, why was that a boundary?
Speaker 1: Because your boundary was You're not going to talk to
Speaker 1: me that way because I feel like I require and
Speaker 1: deserve a level of respect and I'm not gonna treat
Speaker 1: you in that way. And but nor am I going
Speaker 1: to allow you or anyone else to kind of you know,
Speaker 1: talk to me and to mean me and that way
Speaker 1: and that way either. And I felt like most of
Speaker 1: the time, nine of the time, we weren't talking about
Speaker 1: anything that required a response of anger and frustration. It
Speaker 1: was I disagree with that. I disagree with that a
Speaker 1: lot of time, and I feel like that. There's a
Speaker 1: little bit of gas lighting in there. You're deciding for
Speaker 1: me what's important and what I huh, I didn't say
Speaker 1: it wasn't important. I said it didn't require that level
Speaker 1: of elevation. So what I hear is you you all
Speaker 1: respond in different ways, right for you, Rodney, It seems
Speaker 1: like there are certain situations that require this, and there
Speaker 1: are certain situations that could be here. And I wonder,
Speaker 1: you know, because we express feelings in different ways. My
Speaker 1: situations that you may think are here could be here, right,
Speaker 1: Like all we all feel different things at different times.
Speaker 1: But if there's a situation where you are yelling and screaming,
Speaker 1: how else can that be expressed? Y'alling is screaming to
Speaker 1: me in the case, I want to be heard. I
Speaker 1: want to be heard. Listen to me. What I'm saying
Speaker 1: is important. Please don't dismiss me. I will say it louder,
Speaker 1: I will scream, I will cuss, I would do everything
Speaker 1: for you to hear me, right, I agree? Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I do think that you know, in my previous relationships
Speaker 1: and growing up looking back over over, because I'm the
Speaker 1: youngest and I do have a history of just feeling
Speaker 1: like I was never heard that my opinions weren't respected
Speaker 1: or people didn't really feel like I had anything to say.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. So that could explain why I react the
Speaker 1: way I do. And you are right, Rodney, I would
Speaker 1: that is a behavior I was used to. But when
Speaker 1: you first said it that it was learned, I thought
Speaker 1: you meant that I had learned that I saw that
Speaker 1: in like maybe my parents or something like that, and
Speaker 1: that wasn't true because they didn't argue at all. So yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: so that makes sense to me, Nedra that yeah, that
Speaker 1: I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, and so I
Speaker 1: get very elevated. I wonder if the boundary for you,
Speaker 1: Gammy is I need to feel heard. So when we're talking,
Speaker 1: this is what I need from you, And what are
Speaker 1: those things like, you know, I contact you to put
Speaker 1: a hand on my leg YouTube, give vocal indication that
Speaker 1: you understand, like I understand you, I hear you, like,
Speaker 1: what are those things so that I'm not you know,
Speaker 1: going back to this behavior yelling, because I see that
Speaker 1: you are listening to me, that you are valuing what
Speaker 1: I'm saying in these moments. I don't even think it
Speaker 1: was that with Rodney. I think I just automatically went there.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of different emotions happening at the same time,
Speaker 1: So there's frustration, there's anger, there's hurt, there's all of
Speaker 1: those emotions, and so I immediately go into that high
Speaker 1: level of response. And I'm just retraining myself now because
Speaker 1: I see that where it was acceptable with other people,
Speaker 1: it's not acceptable with him. And he's actually correct that
Speaker 1: we hear each other better if we're talking and if
Speaker 1: I'm not screaming, and if I'm calm, then I can
Speaker 1: hear him and he can hear me. So but it
Speaker 1: still doesn't happen. I mean, it was almost like a
Speaker 1: guarantee it at one point when we first got together,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't happen that often anymore. So No, I'm
Speaker 1: doing so much better. Natural. What is your advice for
Speaker 1: setting boundaries with getting other family members involved in relationships?
Speaker 1: Like you know, I don't necessarily, we don't necessarily think
Speaker 1: it's a good idea. When you may have well, I
Speaker 1: would say other family and friends into personal relationship issues,
Speaker 1: and then everybody's got to put their two cents into it.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's such a good idea. I think
Speaker 1: it's a terrible idea because what happens is we are
Speaker 1: still very mad at Rodney. Meanwhile, you and Ronnie holding hands,
Speaker 1: y'all going on vacation, and I'm still thinking about two
Speaker 1: years ago when Ronnie came over here and you were
Speaker 1: so mad you left the house. I can't get over
Speaker 1: it like you, because I'm not having all of these
Speaker 1: positive experiences with your partner. And so if you really
Speaker 1: want me to be fair and balanced in your relationships,
Speaker 1: there are some things that I don't need to know
Speaker 1: about your relationship because that is your information. Perhaps to
Speaker 1: work out for sure with your partner, maybe with the therapist,
Speaker 1: maybe there is some other person in your life. But
Speaker 1: with your close friends and family that could be tough
Speaker 1: because they don't let things go like you do. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: What advice do you share with your clients when they
Speaker 1: come to you and say they don't have good boundaries
Speaker 1: in general with their family or close friends. I give
Speaker 1: you an example about I have a friend, Well, I've
Speaker 1: had I've had this a couple of times in my
Speaker 1: life where friends have come to borrow money, right, and
Speaker 1: you know I would do it a couple of times,
Speaker 1: and I already understand that typically if I'm lending money,
Speaker 1: I already have in my mind that I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: get it back, So I'm not going to lend you
Speaker 1: anything that if I can't afford to do it. But still,
Speaker 1: I felt like this person was constantly coming borrowing money,
Speaker 1: and I just it's just not a good idea. I
Speaker 1: didn't want the friendship to be based on that. I
Speaker 1: didn't feel like, I'm not the bank. I'm not. I
Speaker 1: don't want anyone to rely on me for that, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not the fixer, And so setting a boundary with
Speaker 1: that was it was difficult for me because they were friends,
Speaker 1: and I kind of ended up putting it on Rodney.
Speaker 1: Why know back my husband's boundary and I want mine back.
Speaker 1: You need all your wants, But how do you how
Speaker 1: do you deal with those situations? I think you mentioned bank,
Speaker 1: and I think about a bank. When you want to
Speaker 1: borrow money from the bank, they have a loan application, correct, yes,
Speaker 1: what's on your loan application? Like I just wonder, like,
Speaker 1: what is your criteria for loaning money? And that's what
Speaker 1: I talked to, Like when they getting these situations of
Speaker 1: loaning money, what is your criteria you are only helping
Speaker 1: these situations. You will only go up to this mount.
Speaker 1: It has to be paid bye by this time. The
Speaker 1: person has to actually have a relationship with you where
Speaker 1: they check on you, you check on them like it
Speaker 1: is some healthy back and forth happening. Here is this
Speaker 1: a crisis? Like, what is your criteria for loaning people money?
Speaker 1: Most of us go into it with no criteria. We
Speaker 1: just trust in the person. You know, here's two hundred dollars.
Speaker 1: Just give it back to me when you can. I
Speaker 1: don't know a bill collector on this earth that puts
Speaker 1: when you can on a bill that's not stape. They
Speaker 1: wanted by the fifteenth if after the fifteenth is twenty
Speaker 1: dollars extra, What is your criteria? If you're going to
Speaker 1: loan the money, you have to go into it with
Speaker 1: This is my expectation, and sometimes it's you know, I
Speaker 1: understand this is a tough situation, particularly when we're helping
Speaker 1: people through a crisis. I'm not loaning this money. I'm
Speaker 1: giving you a gift. You know, you can say that
Speaker 1: to people so they're not dodging you, or you know,
Speaker 1: all of these interesting things people do when they owe
Speaker 1: your money. But if you want to loan, go into
Speaker 1: it with these are my boundaries, and this is my expectation.
Speaker 1: Got it? Got it? Yeah? I never did that. I
Speaker 1: never felt like I have to say that. I never
Speaker 1: felt like the asp was frivolous. There was always a need,
Speaker 1: but I did not have any I never even asked
Speaker 1: to be paid back. I never even asked for that
Speaker 1: because I just feel like if people are asking for it,
Speaker 1: they probably just don't have it anyway. So I never
Speaker 1: even asked for the money back. I just typically don't
Speaker 1: do that. And now I just don't loan money anymore.
Speaker 1: I just got to that point where I just I
Speaker 1: don't do it. Let's talk just a little bit about
Speaker 1: why it is difficult. What is it that makes it
Speaker 1: so difficult to set boundaries with close friends and family
Speaker 1: in particular, I find that so difficult. We care about
Speaker 1: the relationship and we care what the person things, and
Speaker 1: with family, the relationships are so intertwined. If you upset
Speaker 1: this one person, it upsets five people. If you say
Speaker 1: no to this one person, they're gonna call it a mama.
Speaker 1: Then their mama gonna be calling your mama, and then
Speaker 1: the aunts yado, and I mean, the stuff is just
Speaker 1: so connected where it's just like, yeah, you could come
Speaker 1: stay over here because you rather not even here the
Speaker 1: whole thing about it. But you need to be in
Speaker 1: the person, the person, and the most of us need
Speaker 1: to be the person in the family, because there is
Speaker 1: one of most families where you know, you know, no,
Speaker 1: not uncle or not aunt, like they are very clear,
Speaker 1: no we I don't cook for Thanksgiving. You know, it's like, no,
Speaker 1: you cannot come over here with your dog, like they
Speaker 1: are very clear about these things. How do you become
Speaker 1: hopefully one of many people who can speak those things
Speaker 1: and not necessarily just not care because we do care,
Speaker 1: but so speak those things, care and continue to speak
Speaker 1: them because there are some things that you don't like.
Speaker 1: There are some preferences that you do have, and it
Speaker 1: should certainly be okay to have those preferences in the
Speaker 1: relationships with the people that we are closest to to
Speaker 1: the relationships that we really value. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be known well by a bunch of strangers. I want
Speaker 1: the people who live in my home, the people who
Speaker 1: you know I talked to most often, to understand who
Speaker 1: I am. So when you set boundaries with people, is
Speaker 1: it a matter of when you're setting the boundaries that
Speaker 1: you're explaining the why is that? Is that helpful? Is
Speaker 1: that necessary? That can be challenging, particularly in families, because
Speaker 1: they can talk you right out of that. Why they
Speaker 1: know a lot of stuff about you and your history
Speaker 1: and who you dated before Ronney and how they helped
Speaker 1: you one time with your graduation dress. I mean, just
Speaker 1: all this stuff. So if you start getting into stuff,
Speaker 1: people will pull their stuff out too. And so is
Speaker 1: it useful to give an explanation, because sometimes that explanation
Speaker 1: can really pull our boundary apart. If you say I
Speaker 1: don't want to come to your party because my car
Speaker 1: is in the shop, they say, we'll call it uber man,
Speaker 1: not to call it uber. You just didn't want to
Speaker 1: go to the party like that was the response, And
Speaker 1: so creating all these other things will then again put
Speaker 1: you in a situation that you didn't want to be here.
Speaker 1: So then is it more about just knowing what you
Speaker 1: want and what your limits are and just standing strong
Speaker 1: in that and being plain and simple. It's just it's
Speaker 1: adult behavior in families. What typically happens. I am the
Speaker 1: youngest child, and I am the youngest cousin of all
Speaker 1: My first cousins, and so I get a lot of
Speaker 1: old little Madre, you know, just yeah, and you and
Speaker 1: and them them seeing me as an adult that you know,
Speaker 1: they kind of clear the path because I'm making these
Speaker 1: statements of like no, I don't want It's like, okay,
Speaker 1: she has a voice. But people will remind you of
Speaker 1: your role in the family. We know that the baby
Speaker 1: is supposed to like listen to all these big people.
Speaker 1: We know that the oldest is supposed to tell everybody
Speaker 1: what to do. So those roles around we are now
Speaker 1: like making waves. And so it is okay to do
Speaker 1: that because whether you are the forty year old baby
Speaker 1: or you know, the fifty year old baby, you're still
Speaker 1: an adult. You're a baby adult. So I'm not a
Speaker 1: baby twelve year old. Now I'm an adult and I
Speaker 1: have some understanding of what I want for my life.
Speaker 1: I am the oldest, but I am an adult. I
Speaker 1: am the middle, I'm an adult. I'm a cousin, but
Speaker 1: I'm somebody mama. You know, you have to really assert
Speaker 1: your yourself in a family system. Yeah, Ronnie, did you
Speaker 1: I see you shaking your head? Did you want to
Speaker 1: add something to any of that? Yeah, I was just
Speaker 1: thinking that. You know, a lot of times it's you
Speaker 1: don't have boundaries, or let me speak for myself, in
Speaker 1: certain situations, I don't have boundaries because I'm I'm concerned
Speaker 1: about what other people think, and it's it's more so
Speaker 1: putting myself first and foremost, and you know not that
Speaker 1: I'm not concerned the most important person in the room.
Speaker 1: Got it? So that makes it easier for you when
Speaker 1: you think about it in those terms you mean, got it?
Speaker 1: Does that make sense, Nidra? Absolutely, And that's the energy
Speaker 1: that most people have when they are setting boundaries with you.
Speaker 1: They are the most important person in the room, and
Speaker 1: we have to think about not only how this impacts
Speaker 1: other people, but how does this impact me? Okay, So
Speaker 1: the last boundary that I really want to get into
Speaker 1: because once again and reading the book, it really brought
Speaker 1: up some personal emotions and some understanding about myself, and
Speaker 1: that is boundaries that you set for yourself, right, and
Speaker 1: it involves people pleasing and self betrayal and self sabotage.
Speaker 1: And I think when I read it, I didn't even
Speaker 1: realize my own behavior right, my own negative talk and
Speaker 1: the thoughts that go on in my head that contribute
Speaker 1: to my low self esteem issues, right, and like making
Speaker 1: disparaging comments about myself to myself and to others. Like
Speaker 1: I just didn't even realize until that's what I said.
Speaker 1: Reading your book was like a therapy session. So give
Speaker 1: me an example of you doing that, say like saying something.
Speaker 1: I do it all the time. I'm constantly telling myself,
Speaker 1: oh you, I can't do that. I can't do that.
Speaker 1: I listen something as simple as I took and I
Speaker 1: just rewatched the tape the other day. I'm I'm a stepper, right,
Speaker 1: a Chicago stepper. I love dance, and I recently took
Speaker 1: a private dance lesson an instructive who's dance I really admire.
Speaker 1: And he was talking to me and showing me some
Speaker 1: steps that I could incorporate into my dance that would
Speaker 1: change my dance. And I was like, oh, well, I
Speaker 1: don't I think I could only do it now because
Speaker 1: you were counting it out for me. If you weren't counting,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have been able to do that. And he
Speaker 1: was like, what are you saying? You just did it?
Speaker 1: How about let me show you that I can do
Speaker 1: it without you counting. I automatically went into I can't
Speaker 1: do that, And I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not
Speaker 1: a good dancer. I can't do this, I can't do that. Oh,
Speaker 1: they don't want to hear me, they don't want to
Speaker 1: see me. It was very difficult for me even to
Speaker 1: like just to transition into red tape, but was very challenging.
Speaker 1: I mean it still is. I just have this negative
Speaker 1: talk in my head that I don't think that people
Speaker 1: really want to hear what I have to say. I
Speaker 1: don't know what I'm talking about, Like, oh, just god,
Speaker 1: all this negative talk. When I hear those cants, I
Speaker 1: think about all the things that you've already achieved and accomplished.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you remember this about yourself, but
Speaker 1: perhaps you remember it about Jada or Willow or Jaden.
Speaker 1: How we can't do a lot of stuff. We can't walk,
Speaker 1: we can't talk, we can't hold our heads up, we
Speaker 1: can't Oh my gosh. We are born with knts, and
Speaker 1: every time we master it, it's a victory. Little kids
Speaker 1: are often I mean, you you ever see a baby
Speaker 1: find their hand, how wonder it is. It's just like
Speaker 1: just buttoning their shirt. It's like, oh my gosh, I
Speaker 1: just come here, come look. I just but my I
Speaker 1: think about all of the things that we haven't been
Speaker 1: able to do and all of the things that we master,
Speaker 1: Like that just makes that just warms my heart to
Speaker 1: think about how wonderful we are and how we do
Speaker 1: have the ability always to learn something new, to apply
Speaker 1: something different. We're already accomplished. You've already done a lot.
Speaker 1: If you could curl your own hair, you're a master,
Speaker 1: because there's a lot of people who can't. So there
Speaker 1: are so many things that we can do and that
Speaker 1: can't is not necessary and it's not useful. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: that that I can't narrative that I constantly have in
Speaker 1: my head is very discouraging and it's really tiresome and
Speaker 1: I'm getting tired of my damn self. But you can
Speaker 1: because you you're constantly learning stuff. You're doing real table,
Speaker 1: you're on a podcast. So it's like you're saying can't,
Speaker 1: but I see your behavior doing something else. Yeah, So
Speaker 1: I guess I have to learn how to be more
Speaker 1: gentle and kind to myself. Yeah, that's who you need
Speaker 1: to cuss out that voice in your head, because you
Speaker 1: need to cuss out that can't voice in your hand.
Speaker 1: As we start wrapping up of this, a couple of
Speaker 1: things that I want to bring up. You said in
Speaker 1: your book too, was that boundary setting is never about
Speaker 1: other people. It is about yourself. And I think that's important,
Speaker 1: that's really important to understand. So if I'm setting a boundary,
Speaker 1: it's about me, it's not about you. If I'm setting
Speaker 1: a boundary with you, it doesn't have anything to do
Speaker 1: with you. It has to do with me. Because I
Speaker 1: had a situation where I was setting some boundaries for
Speaker 1: myself with other people, right, other people in my life,
Speaker 1: but it didn't have anything to do necessarily with the
Speaker 1: other people. It had to do with me, right, And
Speaker 1: that was really hard for other people to understand. But
Speaker 1: your boundaries are really for you, for and about you.
Speaker 1: I think about the example you just use in terms
Speaker 1: of like drinking. Right, So if you say to your
Speaker 1: group of friends, hey, I'm not drinking socially anymore. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm gonna cut back, I don't want to drink now,
Speaker 1: some people they will personalize at all, and nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with that. Is absolutely a boundary that's for you. You're
Speaker 1: not in that space trying to say, you know, you
Speaker 1: can't do what you can't do what you can't do it,
Speaker 1: But for me and for what I want for my life,
Speaker 1: I am choosing not to do this. It is not
Speaker 1: an indictment on what you choose to do in your life.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Nedra for joining running. And you
Speaker 1: have a bunch of resources on your website, including this
Speaker 1: fantastic book, Set Boundaries. Fine piece. I'm telling you, Set Boundaries,
Speaker 1: find Peace. Do yourself a favor and pick up a
Speaker 1: copy of this book or listen to get it on audio.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you it is a I'm telling you it
Speaker 1: is life changing. Tell people where they can find you
Speaker 1: on social media to learn more about you and boundary setting, Nadra.
Speaker 1: I am on most social media platforms, but in particular
Speaker 1: Instagram at natural wob Thank you so much, Nadra, Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. You're welcome. Always a pleasure. That was
Speaker 1: a really great conversation with Nadra. Wasn't a babe, It
Speaker 1: absolutely was. Yeah. I mean, I'm telling you to the listeners,
Speaker 1: this book is life changing and I would seriously, seriously
Speaker 1: encourage you to get it. But moving on, we have
Speaker 1: some fan questions to answer, Babe. The fans want to
Speaker 1: know who is your favorite sports team? So I'm a
Speaker 1: big basketball fan, but I don't really have a team.
Speaker 1: I just love the game football. It'll have to be
Speaker 1: because I'm from Baltimore. It's the Ravens, but I also
Speaker 1: like the Los Angeles Rams. Yeah, since you're yeah, since
Speaker 1: we're back, I'm half and half. Yeah, you're half and
Speaker 1: half were by Coastal So well, I and I actually
Speaker 1: don't have a favorite I don't have a favorite team,
Speaker 1: but my favorite sport is basketball. That is my favorite sport. Okay.
Speaker 1: And then the second question is what is your favorite
Speaker 1: your favorite trait about your partner? Mm hmm, good luck
Speaker 1: on that. I'd have to say that you're my best friend,
Speaker 1: that that friend trait that you have. H being a
Speaker 1: friend is not a trait, okay, but anyway, but anyway,
Speaker 1: because my answer is not really a trade either. It's
Speaker 1: the favorite. It's what I like about you. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: my favorite thing about So we're gonna change the change
Speaker 1: the question a little. Yeah. So I think the thing
Speaker 1: that I like about you the best when it comes
Speaker 1: to me is that you and I've said this before,
Speaker 1: I love that you accept me as I am right.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that there's no room for growth.
Speaker 1: In me, and there's not things that I need to change,
Speaker 1: but at the at the core, you love me for
Speaker 1: who I am and that is extremely extremely important to
Speaker 1: me because that has not been my experience in the past,
Speaker 1: at least that's not what I felt in the past
Speaker 1: from other partners. So I thoroughly appreciate that from you.
Speaker 1: And then there is a trait, Uh, there is a
Speaker 1: traite in you that that I like to and that
Speaker 1: is I do like your your calm, your typically typically
Speaker 1: you are a person until I started driving. Yeah, now
Speaker 1: that that's a whole different thing because you too, you're
Speaker 1: off the table when it goes to drive. You think
Speaker 1: you're on a race weight all the time, and you're not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But so those are the things that I like about
Speaker 1: you the best. And that's our show for this week.
Speaker 1: That is Positively Gam. You can follow me online at
Speaker 1: Gammy Norris and you can follow me at I Am
Speaker 1: Rodney Norris. Help us out by leaving a five star
Speaker 1: review on I Heart Radio app or Apple podcast, and
Speaker 1: by hitting the follow button on Spotify. You can submit
Speaker 1: your questions to positively Gam at red table talk dot
Speaker 1: com for a chance to hear me answer them on
Speaker 1: a future episode. Stay grateful y'all, and thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Talk to you later, Babe. Positively gam is produced by
Speaker 1: Red Table Talk podcast S and I Heart Radio. Executive
Speaker 1: producers are Adrian Banfield, Naris Balin, Jethro and Jada Pinkett Smith.
Speaker 1: Our audio engineer is Calvin Bailiff, and our associate producer
Speaker 1: is Irene bischoff Berger. Our theme song is produced by
Speaker 1: d BAT