1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:04,920 Speaker 1: If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship, 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:10,520 Speaker 1: it's because you might already know the answer. But that's 3 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: not a good reason. It's better to have the truth 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 1: than a lie that feels better than the truth. A 5 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: lot of us will accept lies in a relationship, lies 6 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,799 Speaker 1: that we've made up in our mind, in our head, 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: because we don't want to face the truth. But the 8 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,480 Speaker 1: truth allows us to move forward. Being in a healthy 9 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:36,200 Speaker 1: relationship isn't just about chemistry, It's about clarity. 10 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,519 Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Shetty Jay Sheddy. 11 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and welcome back to On Purpose. 12 00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: Today we're talking about something no dating app can teach you. 13 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: The conversations we're avoiding in modern dating that could save 14 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: us from wasting years on the wrong people. Now I 15 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 1: get it. We're always worried. We're scared. What if I 16 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,640 Speaker 1: talk about this, What if I bring it up? What 17 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,960 Speaker 1: if I start having this conversation? People are going to 18 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 1: get turned off, People are going to reject me. Well, 19 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: here's the reality. It's better to be your honest, authentic 20 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 1: self and have someone reject you than to become the 21 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: version they want just so they can accept you. So 22 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: many of us mold, We hesitate, we second guess, We 23 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 1: change ourselves just for someone to stay, not realizing that 24 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,640 Speaker 1: what's the point in wanting someone to stay by changing 25 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 1: who we are when they'll leave when they discover the reality. 26 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: We all go through this. We avoid the real questions 27 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 1: right not because we don't care, but because we're afraid 28 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:53,559 Speaker 1: of what. 29 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 2: The answers might mean. But here's the truth. 30 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 1: If you want real connection, you need real conversations. So 31 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 1: today I'm giving you powerful questions that most people avoid 32 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 1: when dating that absolutely shouldn't. And for each one, I'll 33 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 1: break down why it matters, what the science says, and 34 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,839 Speaker 1: how to ask it in a way that doesn't make 35 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,320 Speaker 1: things weird. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, if 36 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,799 Speaker 1: I ask this on a first day or a second day, 37 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,080 Speaker 1: I'm not going to get a third. Well, here's the reality. 38 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 1: You don't have to ask this on a first or 39 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 1: second day. I just hope that you ask these questions 40 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: at some point in the dating process so that things 41 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: don't go too far and you actually save yourself from 42 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,080 Speaker 1: those surprises and shocks later on. Here's the reality. If 43 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 1: you're dating right now, these are great questions. If you 44 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: just moved in, these are great questions, If you just 45 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 1: got engaged, these are great questions. Or even if you're married, 46 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 1: this is a great conversation to have. You don't avoid 47 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 1: these at any stage of the relationship because they will 48 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 1: transform your communication ability. What I find for a lot 49 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,960 Speaker 1: of couples is by the time they've committed to being together, 50 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,680 Speaker 1: they're actually not aware of how good they are at 51 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: having difficult conversations. And the truth is they're not very 52 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 1: good at them because they've either tried to avoid them, 53 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,920 Speaker 1: put them on the back burner, had an argument, and 54 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: then just swept it under the carpet. This will ensure 55 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 1: that before you're with someone deeply, you actually know what 56 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: you're getting yourself into. The first question is what does 57 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 1: a healthy relationship look like to you? Most people assume 58 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: love will just click, but talking about what respect, space, 59 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:54,480 Speaker 1: trust and support actually look like helps avoid unmet expectations 60 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 1: and silent resentments later. Now, the reason we avoid this 61 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,720 Speaker 1: question is because we assume love should be effortless. We 62 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 1: assume that love should just flow. We assume that if 63 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 1: someone loves me, it will be healthy. But here's the reality. 64 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: Just because you love someone. It doesn't block unhealthy behaviors, 65 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 1: so don't assume that, Hey, if we have positive feelings 66 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,680 Speaker 1: toward each other, we already have a healthy relationship. You 67 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:28,120 Speaker 1: can love someone and have bad communication. You can love 68 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:33,800 Speaker 1: someone and have unhealthy habits. Someone can love you and 69 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: still talk to you poorly, because these are skills and 70 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: habits that no one has ever been taught. It matters 71 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 1: because it builds shared language around emotional needs. A lot 72 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: of our language around emotional needs feels like, Oh, you're 73 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: just being needy. Oh you just need a lot of attention. 74 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 1: Oh you're just high maintenance. Right, These are the things 75 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:02,400 Speaker 1: we think of when someone shares what want in a relationship. Today, 76 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: it's often misconstrued as being needy, wanting too much attention, 77 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: or actually, further than that, being someone who's high maintenance. 78 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:16,039 Speaker 1: And the reality is we never got the opportunity to 79 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: build a shared language. Research shows that clarity around emotional 80 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:28,360 Speaker 1: needs and communication styles leads to longer lasting partnerships. That's 81 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 1: research from the Gotman Institute. A healthy relationship makes you 82 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 1: feel more like yourself, an unhealthy one makes you forget 83 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: who that even is. A healthy relationship gives you space 84 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: to grow. An unhealthy one makes you shrink to fit. 85 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 1: A healthy relationship holds you through the hard days. An 86 00:05:55,640 --> 00:06:00,159 Speaker 1: unhealthy one makes you feel like you're too much for 87 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 1: having them. A healthy relationship brings you peace. An unhealthy 88 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 1: one keeps you addicted to chaos. A healthy relationship challenges 89 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: you with kindness. An unhealthy one criticizes you into silence. 90 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:26,360 Speaker 1: A healthy relationship helps you trust your voice. An unhealthy 91 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: one teaches you to doubt it. A healthy relationship reminds 92 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:37,599 Speaker 1: you of your value. An unhealthy one makes you fight 93 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,479 Speaker 1: to prove it. When you answer the question what does 94 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:47,719 Speaker 1: a healthy relationship look like to you, someone may say time. 95 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:54,840 Speaker 1: Someone else may say freedom. Someone else may say constant connection. 96 00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: If you haven't had that conversation, you don't know what 97 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 1: you're saying up for. So many of us are subscribing 98 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: to relationships. We're pressing the follow button without actually knowing 99 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 1: what the terms and conditions are. When you ask these questions, 100 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: you actually understand what are the terms and conditions of 101 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: this relationship? What are the small print? What are the 102 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 1: messages that are hidden, that are lost in between the lines. 103 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 1: So many of us have no idea whether our partner's 104 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,559 Speaker 1: views on a healthy relationship are the same as ours. 105 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,640 Speaker 1: We just assume they are. We assume that if we 106 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: think a healthy relationship is time, values, and respect, then 107 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,480 Speaker 1: everyone must think that way. But we don't know what 108 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,800 Speaker 1: their relationship was like with their parents, or what their parents' 109 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: relationship was like, or what background they come from. 110 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 2: And what the word healthy means to them. 111 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 1: It's like saying to someone what is a healthy workout regime. 112 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 1: If you come from a family we're working out and 113 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,240 Speaker 1: staying healthy and fit was really important, you'd say five 114 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: days a week. If you come from another type of family, 115 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 1: you'd say, hey, being healthy just means going on a 116 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 1: walk once a week. We all have really different ideas 117 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 1: of what healthy means, and that applies to love as well. 118 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: Question number two to ask when you're dating is what 119 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 1: are you afraid of when it comes to commitment. Not 120 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:30,240 Speaker 1: everyone fears commitment for the same reason. Some fear losing freedom, 121 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:35,720 Speaker 1: others fear repeating the past. We avoid this question because 122 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: we don't want to scare someone off or admit our 123 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: own fears. But here's why it matters. It opens the 124 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 1: door to healing, not hiding. See, for a lot of us, 125 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: we hope this person wants a committed relationship. We're wishing, wanting, 126 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: waiting for this dating situation to turn into exclusivity. And 127 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,480 Speaker 1: when we don't have this converse, what we set ourselves 128 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: up for is another false expectation around what commitment means. 129 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 1: Being in a committed relationship isn't about constant excitement. It's 130 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: about showing up, especially on the boring days. It's not 131 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: always filled with butterflies. Sometimes it's choosing to talk it 132 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:27,199 Speaker 1: out instead of walking away. It's not texting twenty four 133 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 1: to seven. It's feeling safe in silence. It's not agreeing 134 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 1: on everything, it's learning to disagree without disrespect. It's not 135 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 1: proving your worth every day. It's knowing your valued even 136 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: on your worst ones. It's not about losing your independence. 137 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: It's about having someone who respects your space and still 138 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: shows up for you. It's not perfect, it's practiced. It's 139 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: not effortless. It's chosen again and again. I think when 140 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,960 Speaker 1: you raise this question, you're raising it not from the 141 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: perspective of I need you to commit right now. I 142 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,920 Speaker 1: think the reason why these conversations are actually difficult is 143 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 1: because we postpone them till they're critical rather than when 144 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 1: they're a conversation. Think about that for a second. We 145 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: postpone critical conversations to when they are urgent, as opposed 146 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: to when they would just be a question. 147 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 2: Right, So we. 148 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: Wait till things are really bad. And so when you 149 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 1: ask the question, it feels like pressure. When you ask 150 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: the question, it feels like you're pushing them. When you 151 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,319 Speaker 1: ask the question, it feels like they have to make 152 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,840 Speaker 1: a decision. So when you say, hey, what do you 153 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,880 Speaker 1: struggle with with commitment? They're thinking way, you're projecting that 154 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 1: onto me. You're telling me I don't want to commit. 155 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,680 Speaker 1: You're telling me you want me, need me to commit 156 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,679 Speaker 1: right now. And that puts the person on the defensive. 157 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 1: So even when you frame these questions, it's really important 158 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 1: to say, you know, I really think that having an 159 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: open dialogue about what commitment means to us is really important. 160 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: And I want to know and I want to share 161 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,880 Speaker 1: as well, what commitment means to me. Commitment means to 162 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:15,959 Speaker 1: me monogamy, it means loyalty, It means not criticizing each 163 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,160 Speaker 1: other in public. It means being honest with each other, right, 164 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,240 Speaker 1: whatever that may mean. And now, all of a sudden. 165 00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: It's not a conversation to say, so, when are we 166 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: going exclusive? So? 167 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 2: When are we moving in? 168 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: So? 169 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 2: When are you proposing? Right? That's when it's a bad question. 170 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: These questions will be perceived as bad questions when they 171 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 1: feel like you're asking another question. That's the worst type 172 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,840 Speaker 1: of question to get when the person on the receiving 173 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 1: end knows in their head that you're actually asking a 174 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 1: completely different question. What you're asking is when are we 175 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 1: getting married? You're not really asking what are your thoughts 176 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,760 Speaker 1: on commitment? The question you're really asking is so, when 177 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:55,680 Speaker 1: are you proposing? It's an ultimatum. It's not understanding right. 178 00:11:55,920 --> 00:12:00,040 Speaker 1: When you ask a question that's actually an ultimatum, it 179 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 1: actually disconnect you from that person. And of course this 180 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: applies in work, it applies for family, it applies for friends, 181 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: but we see it the most in love. Don't use 182 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: these questions as a mechanism to get someone to propose, 183 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 1: move in, or get married. Use them as a real 184 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:23,080 Speaker 1: method of connection, understanding and building a common platform to 185 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,839 Speaker 1: build a healthy relationship from don't wait till things are 186 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: extreme to start these healthy conversations. Question number three to 187 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 1: ask while you're dating is how do you handle conflict? 188 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,679 Speaker 1: Most people discover the answer during a fight, but asking 189 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 1: early can prevent blow ups, shut downs, or walking away 190 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 1: when things get hard. Now me and Radu went through 191 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 1: this as well, and we didn't have this conversation. I 192 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:56,079 Speaker 1: wish we had asked this question when we started dating. 193 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: We discovered it much later. What I found out years 194 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 1: later was that when we had a conflict, I wanted 195 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 1: to talk it out and ratherly wanted to hide. I 196 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 1: wanted to fix it and solve it right now. I 197 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 1: wanted to share everything and put it on the table. 198 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: She needed two days to process it. And for years 199 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: I used to feel I cared more about the relationship 200 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: because I was all right there, ready to solve it. 201 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 1: And in my head I would make up this story 202 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,560 Speaker 1: that she didn't care because she was retreating or hiding 203 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:30,000 Speaker 1: in the bedroom. So I'd say, look, you don't care 204 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: as much as I do. Look, I'm standing right here, 205 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,559 Speaker 1: ready to solve it. You obviously don't value the connection, 206 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,959 Speaker 1: and she'd be thinking the same thing. She'd say, how 207 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: can you have a conversation when you haven't digested it? 208 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,680 Speaker 1: How can you fix it when you haven't had time 209 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 1: to reflect? I care more because I'm actually thinking about it, 210 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:51,400 Speaker 1: I'm actually processing it, I'm actually working through it. It's 211 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,680 Speaker 1: amazing how you can both be saying the same thing 212 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,960 Speaker 1: but reflecting it in different ways. That's when I discovered 213 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 1: and I wrote about this in my book Eight. 214 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 2: Rule of Love. 215 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:06,440 Speaker 1: The fight languages. Venting, hiding, and exploding are the three 216 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: fight languages. A venor wants to fix, solve, and talk 217 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: right now, a hider wants time and space to reflect, 218 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:18,000 Speaker 1: and the exploder wants to put emotional blame and stress. 219 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 1: Now here's the reality. Our fight styles can be transformed 220 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,760 Speaker 1: and can be improved, but initially we need to know 221 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: what we need in conflict. And when you have this 222 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 1: conversation when you're not fighting, that's when you win. If 223 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 1: you can talk about how you fight when you're not fighting, 224 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,640 Speaker 1: you will both win the argument when it comes to it. 225 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 1: But if you only talk about a fight when you're 226 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 1: in the fight, you will both lose. Talk about conflict 227 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: before it arises. So many couple say, oh, we never fight, 228 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 1: we never argue, we don't have those issues. Still talk 229 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: about it because there will be an issue, there will 230 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: be a disagreement that will lead to an argument or 231 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,480 Speaker 1: whatever it may be, and that's when you will have 232 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: hoped you trained when you weren't in the fire. You 233 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 1: don't train for a championship game in the championship game. 234 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 1: You don't train for the final in the final. You 235 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 1: train for it months and weeks before, so that you're prepared. 236 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: When it comes to difficult conversations, arguments, or disagreements, train 237 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 1: before you get to them. Now, we avoid this because 238 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 1: it feels negative to bring up problems early. 239 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 2: Right, We're like, I. 240 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,600 Speaker 1: Don't want to be the one to ruin it. Things 241 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 1: are going so well that that's short term thinking. If 242 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: things are going well, having this conversation will only make 243 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,920 Speaker 1: them better. Think about that, if this is your person, 244 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: having this type of conversation will only make the relationship better. 245 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,760 Speaker 1: It will actually save you from getting down the line. 246 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden having a moment and 247 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: going wait, things are going so well. I thought we 248 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 1: really got along. I thought we were really really happy. 249 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: Yeah you were because you hadn't had a conflict yet, 250 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,600 Speaker 1: and because you haven't discussed how to deal with one. 251 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,240 Speaker 2: Now it's tripping you up. 252 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: This really matters because love isn't built on avoiding conflict. 253 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:26,680 Speaker 1: It's built on handling it with respect. Love isn't built 254 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:31,360 Speaker 1: on never having an argument. Love is built on knowing 255 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: how to navigate one. Love isn't built on never having 256 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 1: a disagreement. It's built on having a disagreement without disrespect. 257 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: Love isn't built on always being happy. It's built on 258 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 1: knowing what to do when your partner and you feel unhappy. 259 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 1: Love isn't built on solving things at the same time 260 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 1: at the same pace. It's built on knowing when to 261 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 1: give space and when you need some yourself. Because remember this, 262 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 1: the right person fights with you, not against you. The 263 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 1: wrong one turns every disagreement into a scoreboard. The right 264 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:26,400 Speaker 1: person listens to understand. The wrong person listens to win. 265 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 1: The right person makes hard conversations feel safe. The wrong 266 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,360 Speaker 1: one makes you afraid to speak up. The right person 267 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: holds space for your feelings even when they don't agree. 268 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:48,640 Speaker 1: The wrong one uses your feelings against you. The right 269 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: person works through it, not around it. The wrong one 270 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:58,960 Speaker 1: leaves things broken and calls it peace. Here's the reality. 271 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: You are not going to meet the right person. You 272 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,720 Speaker 1: are going to become the right person, and they're going 273 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,240 Speaker 1: to become the right person Because you're open to this process. 274 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 1: If you try and find someone who ticks everything I 275 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: just said, you will fail. I wasn't the right person 276 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: before I met my wife. She wasn't the right person. 277 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 1: We became the right people because we were willing to 278 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,360 Speaker 1: do the right things. 279 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 2: Think about that for a second. 280 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,439 Speaker 1: You and your partner will become the right people for 281 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 1: each other because you make the choice to do the 282 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,399 Speaker 1: right things, to have the hard conversations, to have the 283 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: difficult interactions, to have the disagreements, to prepare for that, 284 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:44,120 Speaker 1: to have a plan for that. That's how you'll get there. 285 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,280 Speaker 1: Don't sleep on that one. I have so much more 286 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,320 Speaker 1: to share with you, but we're just going to take 287 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,160 Speaker 1: a short break for our sponsors and I'll be right back. 288 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 1: I hope you learned about some of our incredible partners. 289 00:18:56,440 --> 00:19:00,199 Speaker 1: Let's jump back in question number four to ask, when 290 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,639 Speaker 1: you're dating, what are your long term intentions? 291 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:04,480 Speaker 2: Right now? 292 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:09,200 Speaker 1: Not everyone is dating for the same reason, but most 293 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:14,120 Speaker 1: people assume they are until someone ghosts or gets blindsided. 294 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 1: We avoid this because we don't want to come off 295 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,920 Speaker 1: too intense, But hey, is it better to come off 296 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 1: intense and lose someone who doesn't want to be in 297 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: there for the long term, or be casual with someone 298 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: and hope it goes well. Here's why it matters. If 299 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: you're afraid to ask, you might already know the answer. 300 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 1: Let me say that again. If you're afraid to ask 301 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:43,880 Speaker 1: difficult questions in a relationship, it's because you might already 302 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,400 Speaker 1: know the answer. But that's not a good reason. It's 303 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:52,880 Speaker 1: better to have the truth than a lie that feels 304 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:56,439 Speaker 1: better than the truth. A lot of us will accept 305 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,040 Speaker 1: lies in a relationship, lies that we've made up in 306 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,399 Speaker 1: our mind, in our head because we don't want to 307 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 1: face the truth. But the truth allows us to move forward. 308 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:11,280 Speaker 1: Being in a healthy relationship isn't just about chemistry. It's 309 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,639 Speaker 1: about clarity. It's not just about who you're drawn to. 310 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,440 Speaker 1: It's about knowing where they're headed and if they want 311 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 1: you there. It's not asking what are we months in. 312 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,440 Speaker 1: It's knowing from the beginning what you both want. It's 313 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 1: not reading between the lines. It's having the courage to 314 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:38,639 Speaker 1: read the truth out loud. It's not hoping they'll change 315 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 1: their mind. It's respecting what they told you from the start. 316 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:48,399 Speaker 1: It's not pretending you're okay with casual when your heart 317 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 1: wants commitment. It's being honest about what you're looking for, 318 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:58,400 Speaker 1: even if it scares them away. It's not playing it cool. 319 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 1: It's being clear with yourself and with them. Because love 320 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:10,400 Speaker 1: without direction feels exciting until it feels lost, and connection 321 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:17,280 Speaker 1: without clarity isn't romance, it's confusion. Question number five to 322 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:22,840 Speaker 1: ask when you're dating. What does emotional availability mean to you? 323 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 1: Someone can text daily, be romantic and still be emotionally unavailable. 324 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: Define what openness, vulnerability, and safety really look like for 325 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 1: each other. Now, we avoid this because we mistake consistency 326 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,680 Speaker 1: for connection. We also avoid this because we know we 327 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: want an emotionally intelligent relationship, but we don't want to 328 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,880 Speaker 1: come across that way, right. We want to be seen 329 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: as cool and relaxed and casual, but really we want 330 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,879 Speaker 1: to know what these words mean, and we feel, wait 331 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,120 Speaker 1: a minute, I'm setting myself up for failure here, coming 332 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 1: across as a dog or a geek. 333 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 2: But what ends up happening? 334 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,680 Speaker 1: You end up in an emotionally unintelligent relationship because you 335 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:08,240 Speaker 1: never had any emotionally intelligent conversations. If you're scared of 336 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:13,120 Speaker 1: having an emotionally intelligent conversation with your partner. Chances are 337 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 1: you have an emotionally unintelligent relationship, because if you're willing 338 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:22,199 Speaker 1: to have that conversation, it shows that you respect that 339 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: person's emotional capacity and capability. 340 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:28,960 Speaker 2: If you're not, you're saying it might not exist. 341 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:34,320 Speaker 1: This matters because availability isn't how they show up in 342 00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,119 Speaker 1: your phone, it's how they show up in your life. 343 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:44,960 Speaker 1: Emotionally available people make space for your feelings, even when 344 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: it's uncomfortable. They call back when conversations get hard. They 345 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: say how they feel, not just what you want to hear. 346 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 1: They don't disappear when you need depth. They can hold 347 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:06,399 Speaker 1: their own emotions and respect yours too. Emotionally unavailable people 348 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 1: they keep things vague so they don't have to be honest. 349 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:15,120 Speaker 1: They show up for the good parts, then vanish when 350 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:20,960 Speaker 1: it gets real. They avoid labels, responsibility, and anything that 351 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:25,840 Speaker 1: sounds like commitment. They flirt with your potential, but won't 352 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,800 Speaker 1: build anything solid. They make you guess how they feel 353 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,240 Speaker 1: and call it taking it slow. Now here's the interesting thing. 354 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: When someone's honest with us, but we don't like their honesty, 355 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,720 Speaker 1: we see them as bad. It's also on us to 356 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:50,160 Speaker 1: receive honesty with openness. If you block your partner every 357 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: time they're honest with you, guess what, They're going to 358 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: be dishonest with you. People learn dishonesty because sometimes their 359 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 1: honesty is not received. If someone opens up to you 360 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,879 Speaker 1: about something and they don't feel you were open and 361 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:10,040 Speaker 1: receiving it, they now close the door. They're gonna lie 362 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,960 Speaker 1: to you, they're gonna make things up, they're gonna find 363 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,760 Speaker 1: other excuses because they feel you don't want their honesty. 364 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:21,119 Speaker 1: Allow yourself to be someone that invites honesty, even if 365 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 1: it's uncomfortable. Question Number six to ask while dating, how 366 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:32,440 Speaker 1: do you recharge alone or with people? Introvert versus extrovert 367 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,959 Speaker 1: isn't just a personality type, it's a lifestyle, and dating 368 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,680 Speaker 1: someone with a different rhythm without awareness can lead to guilt, pressure, 369 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: or unmet needs we don't realize. So often in a relationship, 370 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,040 Speaker 1: someone will say you don't like me, you don't want 371 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,959 Speaker 1: to spend time with me, and all that person's actually 372 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,280 Speaker 1: saying is I love spending time with you, but I 373 00:24:56,359 --> 00:25:01,439 Speaker 1: recharge alone. I love seeing you, but I recharge by myself. 374 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 1: I enjoy every moment we spend together, but I'm someone 375 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:09,520 Speaker 1: who needs alone time. But we assume that someone's alone 376 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,399 Speaker 1: time is a reflection of them not wanting to be 377 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,879 Speaker 1: with us, rather than how they recharge. It creates a 378 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,439 Speaker 1: sense of uneasiness, It creates a sense of distrust. It 379 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,119 Speaker 1: messes up the freedom and independence dynamic, and we avoid 380 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 1: this question because it feels too minor to matter. This 381 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,359 Speaker 1: isn't one of the big ones. This is one of 382 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,680 Speaker 1: those silent killers in relationships. You keep nagging the other person, 383 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:38,960 Speaker 1: you keep wanting their time and energy, and they just 384 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,320 Speaker 1: want to be alone, and you see that as a 385 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:43,560 Speaker 1: sign of them not wanting you. But the reality is 386 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:48,639 Speaker 1: that's how they recharge. This is why it matters. Energy 387 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:53,679 Speaker 1: mismatches cause more conflict than most people expect. One of 388 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,240 Speaker 1: my clients, let's call her Amy, she's twenty nine years old, 389 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,080 Speaker 1: swiped right on Chris, but our to date two felt overwhelmed. 390 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,800 Speaker 1: He wanted a dinner party, she wanted solo Netflix. She 391 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 1: thought she disliked him until she realized she wasn't anti him. 392 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:17,000 Speaker 1: Just in need of quiet. A simple question cleared the air. 393 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:26,520 Speaker 1: Introverts recharge solo. Extroverts recharge through social connection. Introverts will 394 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: choose a night in Extroverts will choose a night out. 395 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:37,920 Speaker 1: Introverts will choose time alone, Extroverts will choose time with others. 396 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 1: It's all about how you recharge. Recognizing this prevents misreadings 397 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:49,240 Speaker 1: and resentment early, So try this on date three. Ask 398 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 1: what recharges you more, a big night out or a 399 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,520 Speaker 1: quiet night in. Watch how their answer helps you both 400 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,960 Speaker 1: skip future mismatches. It's actually a fun conversation too, Which 401 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:05,639 Speaker 1: one would you choose? Question number seven to ask when dating? 402 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:10,920 Speaker 1: What does being ready for a relationship mean to you? 403 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:16,639 Speaker 1: People say they're open to love, but everyone defines readiness differently. 404 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:24,200 Speaker 1: Some mean emotionally healed, others mean financially stable, others mean 405 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:28,600 Speaker 1: bored and lonely. We avoid this because we're afraid of 406 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 1: hearing I'm not ready for anything serious. We're so scared 407 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,719 Speaker 1: of hearing those words that we'd rather pretend to ourselves 408 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 1: that this casual thing will become serious. Then move on 409 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,200 Speaker 1: from the casual thing and find something serious. It's better 410 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:49,840 Speaker 1: to leave a casual relationship if you want a serious 411 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,479 Speaker 1: one than to stay in it pretending it will become 412 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,720 Speaker 1: a serious one, because chances are is that person has 413 00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:00,520 Speaker 1: told you they don't want anything serious going to be 414 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 1: someone who's going to change their mind. We all want 415 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,520 Speaker 1: to be the person to change that person's mind, and 416 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: we're scared that they're going to change their mind for 417 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:13,840 Speaker 1: the next person. Well, you're not that person. You're not 418 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:18,920 Speaker 1: the next person, and that's okay. Here's why this question matters. 419 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:23,439 Speaker 1: It helps you understand if you're dating a partner or 420 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:28,000 Speaker 1: a placeholder and how much time you want to waste. 421 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:32,000 Speaker 1: I remember working with a client I'll call them Jordan 422 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 1: and Mia, and they had sparks. They were doing so great, 423 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,440 Speaker 1: and then they had this disagreement that came when they 424 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: were traveling for a weekend trip. Jordan shut down, Mia 425 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: kept pushing and it almost ended. And then I'd ask 426 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 1: them to ask this question. Only when Mia asked him 427 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:56,760 Speaker 1: to share how he processes tension, did they create a 428 00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,760 Speaker 1: code word to pause and reconnect instead of fight. 429 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:02,719 Speaker 2: And here's what the science says. 430 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:09,720 Speaker 1: The Emotional availability framework shows that conflict handling styles deeply 431 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 1: shape relationship satisfaction. So try this today on a low 432 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 1: stakes disagreement, ask when you're upset, what helps space talk distraction? 433 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:27,600 Speaker 1: Use their answer when tension hits Next, when someone's ready 434 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 1: for a relationship, they don't just want connection. They want commitment. 435 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,959 Speaker 1: They know what they're looking for, and they're not afraid 436 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:41,600 Speaker 1: to say it. They face their past, not stuffed it 437 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:48,240 Speaker 1: under healing. They make space for another person without losing themselves. 438 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:54,640 Speaker 1: They take accountability, not just attention. They show up consistently, 439 00:29:55,960 --> 00:30:01,680 Speaker 1: not just when it's convenient. Love isn't a distraction for them, 440 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,160 Speaker 1: it's a decision for them. When someone's not ready for 441 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:09,400 Speaker 1: a relationship, they say I'm not sure what I want, 442 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,600 Speaker 1: but they still want your time. They want chemistry without commitment. 443 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:19,440 Speaker 1: They're still healing, but use it to avoid getting close. 444 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:25,760 Speaker 1: They want relationship benefits with single person freedom. They pull 445 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:29,520 Speaker 1: you in, then push you away and call it processing. 446 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:35,120 Speaker 1: They wait for the perfect person instead of working. 447 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,600 Speaker 2: On being one. 448 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,640 Speaker 1: They make you feel like you're asking for too much, 449 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 1: just for wanting clarity. Question number eight to ask while 450 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: you're dating. What does independence look like to you in 451 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:55,400 Speaker 1: a relationship. Some people need space to feel close. Others 452 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: need closeness to feel safe. If you don't talk about that, 453 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,400 Speaker 1: one will feel smothered and the other will feel abandoned. 454 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:12,600 Speaker 1: We think chemistry will override compatibility. Independence is actually about boundaries, 455 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:17,920 Speaker 1: and boundaries build security, not distance. One of my friends, 456 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:24,000 Speaker 1: let's call him Ravi. His partner Maddie, texted him every 457 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,680 Speaker 1: day early on right it was long chats, spending hours 458 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:33,600 Speaker 1: on the phone, But two months later communication dipped and 459 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,960 Speaker 1: all of a sudden, he felt abandoned. It wasn't until 460 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:42,000 Speaker 1: she explained that routine texts don't equal emotional presence. She 461 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,480 Speaker 1: preferred a deep, nightly debrief on the phone. The science 462 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:52,400 Speaker 1: says emotional availability, being responsive and supportive, directly correlates with 463 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:53,600 Speaker 1: trust in intimacy. 464 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 2: Make sure you're clear on that. Try this today. 465 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 1: Ask what makes you feel emotionally heard and listen for 466 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 1: quality over frequency, And then try matching that question number 467 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:12,280 Speaker 1: nine to ask when you're dating, what are you still 468 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:17,640 Speaker 1: healing from? Everyone has a story, and while we don't 469 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:21,640 Speaker 1: owe each other our trauma, we do owe each other 470 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:27,120 Speaker 1: honesty about what might still be shaping our choices. We 471 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:30,640 Speaker 1: avoid it because we don't want to seem damaged or 472 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:36,800 Speaker 1: too deep, but it matters. It invites real intimacy, not 473 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:42,040 Speaker 1: surface level perfection. So here's the deal. You're not too 474 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:46,400 Speaker 1: intense for asking, You're just being honest. In a world 475 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: built on surface level connections, These nine conversations aren't heavy, 476 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:58,080 Speaker 1: they're healthy. And if someone's afraid to go there, that's 477 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:02,160 Speaker 1: not a red flag, it's a stop sign. Because when 478 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:06,280 Speaker 1: someone is right for you, they won't just answer these questions, 479 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,800 Speaker 1: they'll ask them too. So next time you're on a date, 480 00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 1: allow yourself to go deeper. You might just save yourself weeks, months, 481 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,680 Speaker 1: and years. Thank you so much for listening on purpose. 482 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:23,080 Speaker 1: Send this to someone in your life who needs to 483 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 1: hear it, who's newly dating, newly married, newly engaged. It 484 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:30,760 Speaker 1: will change their lives. And remember I am always rooting 485 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,840 Speaker 1: for you on forever in your corner. 486 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:34,200 Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. 487 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check 488 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:42,040 Speaker 1: out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, 489 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,640 Speaker 1: where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in 490 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:50,400 Speaker 1: therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. 491 00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 1: If you're trying to figure out that space right now, 492 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,280 Speaker 1: you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a 493 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,640 Speaker 1: romantic relationship, hold hands. 494 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 2: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. 495 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,440 Speaker 2: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. 496 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:06,560 Speaker 1: It's so lovely.