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Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of the PhD Podcast.

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Speaker 1: Is your girl Eben name? And before begin, let's do

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Speaker 1: a little housekeeping. Um, please make sure you follow me

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Speaker 1: on all social media platforms at the Professional Homegirl, UM,

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Speaker 1: at the PhD Podcast, and a eban a Beauty. Please

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Speaker 1: make sure you visit my websites at www dot the

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Speaker 1: Professional Homegirl dot com and at eban a Beauty dot com.

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Speaker 1: And for those of you that don't know how to

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Speaker 1: spell my name, it is E B O N E.

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Speaker 1: And last and not least, make sure you rate and

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Speaker 1: review this podcast The PhD Podcast of course on all

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Speaker 1: major streaming podcast platforms. This episode is sponsored by eban

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Speaker 1: a Beauty, so please make sure you use your code

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Speaker 1: PhD ten to receive some coins thof and please keep

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Speaker 1: in mind that all of my guests are anonymous. So

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Speaker 1: let's begin. Um, last week we did part one of

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Speaker 1: I Was Addicted to Drugs and this is part two,

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Speaker 1: so injoy guys, So let's talk about your experiences with drugs.

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Speaker 1: Walk us through a time where um, you was using

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Speaker 1: certain drugs? Well what do you mean by that? Because

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Speaker 1: I didn't know so when I first discover your page,

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Speaker 1: I thought it was just MEF, but then earlier you

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Speaker 1: said that it was for mouth. Format doesn't not still here.

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Speaker 1: I think it saysn't a bio like the Roman numerals.

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Speaker 1: I V child like shooting up. Oh yeah wow. So

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Speaker 1: were you able to like function when you were doing

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Speaker 1: all these drugs? Oh yeah, I was functioning. I was

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Speaker 1: going to the club almost every night, I was traveling,

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Speaker 1: I was doing everything. And the crazy thing about it is,

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Speaker 1: you know, I kind of hid from my family. Um

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Speaker 1: just I don't even know. I can't even remember if

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Speaker 1: I went around for holidays. I feel like I just

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Speaker 1: used to make excuses and the people who know me, like,

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Speaker 1: I never looked like real dirty. I always kept myself up.

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Speaker 1: So people have this negative connotation of drug addicts that

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Speaker 1: they're always filthy and bummy looking. I hit it so well,

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Speaker 1: but how because I still have my mind, Like I

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Speaker 1: feel like I didn't really lose my mind until I

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Speaker 1: got sober. Like right as I was having a nervous breakdown,

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Speaker 1: that's when I like, I feel like I went off

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Speaker 1: the deep end and that's what helped me to get sober,

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Speaker 1: because when your mind and everything doesn't connect anymore, like

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Speaker 1: I forgot where I lived. I was really starting to

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Speaker 1: go crazy drugs. I was perfectly fine. I mean I

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Speaker 1: don't remember being real depressed. I just was high all

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Speaker 1: the time. That's all I wanted. It didn't matter what

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Speaker 1: drug it was. I was working in. Um how the

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Speaker 1: meth got into my life. I was working in a

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Speaker 1: smoke shop and some guy came into the store and

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Speaker 1: he was looking at meth pipes, and so I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: what is that for, and like being talking and just

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Speaker 1: wanting to the more, and he was like, well, why

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Speaker 1: don't you come and see? So I went to the

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Speaker 1: strangers Yes, and there was a girl that was there

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Speaker 1: with her baby, and we were all smoking and snorting

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Speaker 1: meth and this is my first time, and like she

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Speaker 1: was walking outside barefoot talking about you know, the FBI

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Speaker 1: is after her and all this stuff, and like it

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Speaker 1: didn't even dawn on me, like you don't want to

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Speaker 1: go down this road. And eventually I started shooting up

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Speaker 1: as well. And that is like when you start sticking

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Speaker 1: a needle in your arm. That's like when it's almost

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Speaker 1: like there's no going back. It's very rare that people

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Speaker 1: make it out of that, but it is possible. It

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Speaker 1: really is. You know, you mentioned a condo you just

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Speaker 1: said about like the negative connotation with like being in

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Speaker 1: different to drugs. What you're thinking from other negative connotations

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Speaker 1: people have, because that is a good one. People think

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Speaker 1: that since just because you're different to drugs, that you're dirty,

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Speaker 1: you can't keep it your appearance up. Oh Another one

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Speaker 1: would be um thinking that we're all thieves. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: people man, oh yeah, they love to think that you're

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Speaker 1: a thief. I used to feel the same way about,

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Speaker 1: you know, because I I used to sell cracks, so

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Speaker 1: when they would come to be I would look at

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Speaker 1: them like they were dirty because you know, it's just

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Speaker 1: that's just the way that it is in the streets

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Speaker 1: and you kind of have to, you know, keep yourself separated.

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Speaker 1: So now, especially in the African American community, that was

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Speaker 1: the hardest drug to admit me doing, out of everything

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Speaker 1: I've and more than prostitution, more than being gang raped,

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Speaker 1: everything else, like it was nothing for me to admit.

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Speaker 1: But basically like a crack quote unquote crackhead, that has

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Speaker 1: been the most difficult thing to admit. I mean because

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Speaker 1: I feel personally from the way that I used to

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Speaker 1: be very judgmental towards people that use crack um and

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Speaker 1: having used, it's almost to the point like you're so

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Speaker 1: it's like a level of desperation that I cannot put

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Speaker 1: into words, because when you smoke crack, it's almost like

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Speaker 1: you go to another level of high, like you could

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Speaker 1: snort cocaine. You smoke cocaine, but when it turns into

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Speaker 1: the baking soda and all the cooking and whatever chemical

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Speaker 1: process it goes through, it is like you're in the moon.

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Speaker 1: And so when you get your last hit, it's like

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Speaker 1: you just want to be high, Like as soon as

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Speaker 1: it starts to fade away, you're like you just want more,

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Speaker 1: and it's never enough. It's never enough. There were days

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Speaker 1: that I would be crawling on the floor looking in

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Speaker 1: the carpet for pieces of crack that I thought that

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Speaker 1: I dropped. But really, if you ever see some people

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Speaker 1: walking down the street, like you know, it could be

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Speaker 1: in the neighborhood, but especially in really drug corn areas,

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Speaker 1: if you see them looking down at the ground, they're

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Speaker 1: looking a lot of times, I mean not to be judgmental,

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Speaker 1: but I know from experience they're looking for something because

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Speaker 1: in your mind you're thinking, like I know, there's something

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Speaker 1: here and there's not. So how did you How did

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Speaker 1: you get at a prostitution? Did you get into it

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Speaker 1: because you're trying to get more drugs? Prostitution actually started

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Speaker 1: before I really got into drugs or was it after

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Speaker 1: you were strippling? No, stripping came later to Um, you know,

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Speaker 1: you have one hell of a life. Man. I don't

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Speaker 1: if nobody don't get inspired from your story and to

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Speaker 1: keep going, I don't know what to tell them, you know,

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Speaker 1: because I even feel like just talking to you and

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Speaker 1: like it's just like when I talked to certain people

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Speaker 1: and you was one of them, or you are one

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Speaker 1: of them. I just like, how can I complain about

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Speaker 1: certain things? And like, I mean I've been through a

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Speaker 1: lot as well, but like you've definitely been through a lot,

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Speaker 1: and to see where you had now, which we're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about later, it's just like it's really amazing. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: It really is so. Um the prostitution that actually started

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Speaker 1: when I was in high school. Um, I when I

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Speaker 1: ran away from home. My family was looking for me.

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Speaker 1: I was our missing Posters, the whole nine, and I

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Speaker 1: ended up staying with this woman and I don't even

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Speaker 1: remember how I got hooked up with her, but she

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Speaker 1: was a stripper and she had this guy that would

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Speaker 1: come over and we would all have sex. And I

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Speaker 1: didn't realize that that's how she was basically making money

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Speaker 1: off of me. And I was maybe fifteen or sixteen

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Speaker 1: years old, and so um I remember walking and one

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Speaker 1: of like a really like ghetto area and I didn't

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Speaker 1: even realize at the time all the risky things I

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Speaker 1: was doing. Now I realized it. But there was this

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Speaker 1: guy and he was just like, come here, and then

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Speaker 1: like we I sold myself for like a hundred dollars.

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Speaker 1: I was like sixteen years old and we were like

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Speaker 1: in somebody's garage somewhere, and that was the first time

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Speaker 1: I ever prostituted at sixteen years old, and I had

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Speaker 1: I have a family, Like I was just so lost

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Speaker 1: and sometimes I wonder, you know, not if I was possessed,

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Speaker 1: but I just feel like the devil had a hold

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Speaker 1: of my life. Everything I was doing was just I

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Speaker 1: still to this day don't understand it. And speaking with

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Speaker 1: you prior is when I really realized that I really

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Speaker 1: don't have an answer why other than two be able

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Speaker 1: to have give people hope. That's the only thing. That's

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Speaker 1: the only explanation because I feel like you're a very

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Speaker 1: spiritual person because this is not your first time saying

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Speaker 1: how you felt like the devil had a hold on you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: when I was younger and even now, UM, I believe

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Speaker 1: that I started using drugs because I would have dreams

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Speaker 1: and visions and things that would come true and it's

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Speaker 1: really scared me. And so, um, you know that's when

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Speaker 1: the marijuana started. Type of journey place somebody passing away

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Speaker 1: or something like crazy happening. Well most recently, UM, I

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Speaker 1: know back then, I don't know if I told you,

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Speaker 1: but um about being like held down on the couch

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Speaker 1: and I've felt something like on my chest and on

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Speaker 1: my stomach and I couldn't breathe, but there was nothing there. Um.

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Speaker 1: I dreamt that my grandmother a lot, but especially now, well, actually,

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Speaker 1: you know what, when I was getting high, one of

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Speaker 1: the most profound dreams. And it's crazy because as much

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Speaker 1: as I tried to escape life, I feel like God

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Speaker 1: still came to me, and especially in my dreams. And

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Speaker 1: I remember I was smoking crack like hardcore, and um,

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Speaker 1: I went and I sat in the restroom and I

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Speaker 1: just started rocking and holding myself and like rocking and

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Speaker 1: hugging myself. And when I went to sleep, I had

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Speaker 1: a dream that I was walking down one of the

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Speaker 1: streets where I lived, under a freeway, and I was

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Speaker 1: walking towards a woman, and the woman, as she got closer,

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Speaker 1: I realized she was me, but I was dirty and

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Speaker 1: old and reg old and filthy, and it was almost

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Speaker 1: like God was saying, like, this is where you're going

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Speaker 1: if you don't stop. Recently, I was at a friend's

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Speaker 1: house and um, I remember she told me that her

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Speaker 1: uncle would come there to spend the night because he

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Speaker 1: had diabetes and like a few health issues. But one

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Speaker 1: night I went to sleep there and I woke I

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Speaker 1: had like a horrible dream, And honestly, I don't even

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Speaker 1: remember what the dream was. I just know it was demonic.

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Speaker 1: And I woke up sweating and like frightened and terrified,

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Speaker 1: and I woke my friend up and I started shaking

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Speaker 1: her and I was like, something is wrong in your house.

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Speaker 1: Like I was like I can't explain it, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't know, but something is wrong. I can't go back

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Speaker 1: to see and I'm like a very strong person to

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Speaker 1: the point where I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: show you. I'm scared, and so she was like, what

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Speaker 1: is wrong? So I went back to sleep. I prayed it.

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Speaker 1: I went back to sleep, and when I woke up

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Speaker 1: in the morning, I was it was almost like I

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Speaker 1: was drunk and I don't drink or do anything, and

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Speaker 1: she's like, what's wrong with you? Almost ran into the mailbox,

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Speaker 1: like I don't know, no, no one drugged me. But

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Speaker 1: as we were leaving, I told her, I was like,

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Speaker 1: something is wrong in your house. There's something that right.

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Speaker 1: You need to bless your house. And I've never in

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Speaker 1: my life said bless your house. Like I never bless

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Speaker 1: the house. You never said it. I was like, something

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Speaker 1: is wrong in you? How she need to bless your

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Speaker 1: house or something spiritually wrong? Tell me why? About lunchtime

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Speaker 1: that day, she called me to tell me that her

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Speaker 1: uncle passed away in the middle of the night. Wow,

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Speaker 1: that's the type of stuff that was happening to me

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Speaker 1: as a teenager, and it scared me to death. And

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Speaker 1: I really believe that was the start of drugs. Why

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Speaker 1: do you feel like you didn't embrace it though, because

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's scary to me. It was very scary

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Speaker 1: as a teenager when you don't have anyone that's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I mean, who are you gonna tell? Like,

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Speaker 1: people are gonna think you're crazy? Who's gonna believe me?

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Speaker 1: That's how I felt, like, who would even believe me? Wow? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's crazy. Wait? So were you using drugs like every day?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, are you kidding me? Yes? From like twelve

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Speaker 1: years old on up to twenty three and I would

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Speaker 1: even be around my parents sometimes and they wouldn't know

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Speaker 1: that I was high. Wow. And I think one of

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Speaker 1: the most profound moments to me, UM was standing in

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Speaker 1: front of a mirror. I think, Um, and I feel

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Speaker 1: like you have such a good memory because I feel

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Speaker 1: like when you see these documentaries and you see people

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Speaker 1: who's doing drugs and stuff, they really they have memory loss.

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Speaker 1: But I feel like with you, you're very vivid with

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Speaker 1: certain things that that is very true, but it's like

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Speaker 1: it's selective. And and another thing, Um, when I was

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Speaker 1: staying with one of my boyfriends, I went to sleep

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Speaker 1: one night and I woke up and it's almost like

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Speaker 1: all the memories that I had blocked out, even things

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Speaker 1: where I was blacked out and not even awake. It's

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Speaker 1: like I had visions and I started remembering people's names

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Speaker 1: that I had slept with, like places I had been

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Speaker 1: and forgotten about, like all this crazy stuff and all

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Speaker 1: these memories rushed back to me that I don't even

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Speaker 1: know where it came from. But I can't tell you

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Speaker 1: that I do have Like the only thing that I

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Speaker 1: could think of is I do have memory loss, but

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Speaker 1: it's like short term, Like whenever I do my my

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Speaker 1: radio shows, I have to like make sure that I

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Speaker 1: have things written down, like I can freestyle, but for

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Speaker 1: me to remember to touch certain key points. I do

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Speaker 1: know that that is like my memory was affected. Wow. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but really something that I really haven't spoken about that

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Speaker 1: I really think people need to know. And I'm going

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Speaker 1: to try to say without crying. Um, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if you've ever heard of K two or that Yes, girl,

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Speaker 1: I had a friend or someone I was very close to.

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Speaker 1: And this was almost when I whenever I was about

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Speaker 1: to like I had stopped smoking crack, I had, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think maybe I was still popping pills and drinking

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Speaker 1: a lot, like I drank a lot towards the end

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Speaker 1: before I got sober, but they offered me to smoke,

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Speaker 1: and they offered me all the time, and I've never

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Speaker 1: been up. I know, I know it is, but those

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Speaker 1: who don't know it is K two is basically they

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Speaker 1: call it potpourri, and I'm pretty sure it's legal now, yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: but it's kind of like the bath salts where it's

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Speaker 1: chemically engineered and created and a lot of people use

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Speaker 1: it because it gets you high like marijuana, but it won't.

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Speaker 1: You won't pop dirty or take a drug test and

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Speaker 1: fail because it's not marijuana. Yeah, so that's why a

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Speaker 1: lot of people started using it. But it looks like

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Speaker 1: pot pourri. But what they do is they spray chemicals

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Speaker 1: on it and so it's not weird. They lace it

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Speaker 1: and this you could have gotten in smoke shots. Was

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Speaker 1: really popular with the kids, and personally, I had never

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Speaker 1: done it before. So the first time I did it,

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Speaker 1: I was sitting on the couch and I took a

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Speaker 1: hit and then I got up off the couch and

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Speaker 1: I started I went outside and I felt like I

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Speaker 1: couldn't breathe, and then I went inside the house and

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Speaker 1: then I laid on the bed and then I started

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Speaker 1: taking all my clothes off, and then I went in

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Speaker 1: the shower with some of my clothes to lot and

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Speaker 1: like I swear to you, from that moment, I was

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Speaker 1: never the same, Like even to this day, I think

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Speaker 1: that that's a huge reason why I started to have

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Speaker 1: really bad anxiety, horrible panic attacks, why I didn't fly

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Speaker 1: for seven years. I got claustrophobia. And I promise you

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Speaker 1: it is that all the drugs I've done in my life,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I had control of myself. Like of

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Speaker 1: course I was. The drugs were controlling me, but my

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Speaker 1: mind that k too. It messed me up even to

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Speaker 1: this day, like I have to make a conscious effort,

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Speaker 1: like the anxiety and stuff like it can I don't

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Speaker 1: like to say it can come back, but I can

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Speaker 1: say that God saved me because I wanted to die,

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Speaker 1: because that's like the most horrible I was scared to

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Speaker 1: go home every I mean, it was so bad. And

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Speaker 1: that's why I think, Um, that's why I did that

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Speaker 1: post on my page about K two, because you're thankful

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Speaker 1: all that you didn't get hooked to that or you

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Speaker 1: wasn't using that, and a lot of people use it.

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Speaker 1: And the fear that I have for people and why

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Speaker 1: I advocate for addiction, it's because people can be so

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Speaker 1: like senseless, um, because if you smoked a blunt with somebody,

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Speaker 1: which is you know, a cigar with weed inside of it,

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Speaker 1: you don't know what they put in there. Like a

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Speaker 1: lot of people just go hand. Yo. Story when I

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Speaker 1: was in college. You know, you're in college, you smoke

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Speaker 1: caring or whatever. It was. This guy, he smoked with

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Speaker 1: somebody and everybody at this point, you know, people think

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Speaker 1: you're cool, you can smoke with whoever. Yo. They laced

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Speaker 1: his ship and that man has never been to say

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Speaker 1: and when I tell you his once his brothers and

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Speaker 1: his friends found out who did it, it was a wrap.

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Speaker 1: I was like Jesus. I was like, Yo, you have

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Speaker 1: to really be careful who you like do things because

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Speaker 1: people are very vow. People are very foul. And I

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Speaker 1: know someone that was smoking that k to stuff a

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Speaker 1: lot and he ended up being homeless, Like he literally

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Speaker 1: lost his mind. Like if that did that to me

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Speaker 1: from one time, I can't imagine somebody who just continuously

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Speaker 1: smoked it. And he died sleeping out on the street.

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Speaker 1: His mother passed away. He was so depressed and he

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Speaker 1: was sleeping out on the streets with all the other

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Speaker 1: homeless people by a church and some guy that was

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Speaker 1: on meth came up to him and was like, give

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Speaker 1: me a body your sandwich and he was like no.

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Speaker 1: And this boy was maybe like nineteen twenty years old

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Speaker 1: and the guy on meth killed him. Wow. Yeah, Well

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Speaker 1: I know because I'm in New York. So when I

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Speaker 1: go to Harlem every now and then, you know, you

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Speaker 1: you can tell, like the ones, the people that's okay too,

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Speaker 1: they can like zombies. Yeah, like is it? But I

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Speaker 1: also feel like, do you think that a lot of

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Speaker 1: this stuff is done in our neighborhoods? What do you mean?

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Speaker 1: What's stuff? People getting high? I mean, I know everybody

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Speaker 1: gets high, but I just feel like, let's say, in

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Speaker 1: New York, there's a lot of smoke shops, right, and

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Speaker 1: I feel like announces K two is legal. I feel

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Speaker 1: like all the drugs that are legal, it's in the

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00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:20,879
Speaker 1: smoke shops, it's in the hood, they're everywhere. It's everywhere.

337
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Speaker 1: And maybe it was on this tire of seeing my

338
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:27,080
Speaker 1: people on drugs. I'm tired of seeing everybody on drugs.

339
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Speaker 1: But the thing that's really messed stuff to me is

340
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Speaker 1: when it was you know, Reaganomics, Reaganomics in the eighties,

341
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,720
Speaker 1: and it was the black people, the black community, you know,

342
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:43,200
Speaker 1: losing their families, living in poverty, overdose. Yeah, like being

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Speaker 1: on track, it was you know, it's the negative connotation.

344
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Speaker 1: It's you know, oh, you know it's a it's a

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Speaker 1: war on drugs. But now that you know a lot

346
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,480
Speaker 1: of the Caucasians and other demographics are getting on those

347
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Speaker 1: opioids because you know, from pain and I'm turning the

348
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Speaker 1: heroin now it's like addiction is a disease, a disease.

349
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Speaker 1: Right now, We're gonna put all this money towards you know,

350
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,680
Speaker 1: fighting this this battle and like kind of coddling people

351
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,280
Speaker 1: was doing it. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't no disease.

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Speaker 1: That's what I mean. As I feel like like now

353
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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, we need to we need this.

354
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,080
Speaker 1: In't help because people are sick. It's a disease. We

355
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,680
Speaker 1: like no have the same injury with us as well. Yeah,

356
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Speaker 1: so you spoke about the rehab. Why do you think

357
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Speaker 1: it took you so many times to like for the

358
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,080
Speaker 1: last time for you to be like, Okay, I'm gonna

359
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:40,919
Speaker 1: stick it through. Like do you think that the rehouse

360
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 1: before he wasn't ready to receive it or do you

361
00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:45,800
Speaker 1: think the places you was at wasn't what you needed.

362
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,639
Speaker 1: I believe people change when they change. It's not about

363
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,360
Speaker 1: being ready, it's not about bad circumstances. There's no rock

364
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:59,240
Speaker 1: bottom um. But I think that I just I was

365
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Speaker 1: okay with my life. I was never one that was like,

366
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Speaker 1: oh my god, I hate my life. I can't believe

367
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Speaker 1: what I'm doing. I was so lost and gone that

368
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 1: that was just my life and I eat. There was

369
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Speaker 1: even one time that I was smoking with one of

370
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Speaker 1: the drug dealers, the drug dealers that actually got me

371
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Speaker 1: to try crack, and I know why because he wanted

372
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Speaker 1: to use me. It was an older man. I think

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Speaker 1: I was maybe nineteen years old, and there was a

374
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Speaker 1: time maybe like fifty girl. Yes, and so we're all

375
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Speaker 1: sitting around the table, Yes, we were all getting high

376
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Speaker 1: and it was a group of us and most of

377
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Speaker 1: them were older, some were younger. And he was like,

378
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Speaker 1: you don't even belong here. Like I used to hear

379
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,840
Speaker 1: that all the time, like why are you doing this?

380
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:54,600
Speaker 1: Like there's always there something like an anointing where people

381
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,960
Speaker 1: always would be like why are you doing this with

382
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Speaker 1: your life? Like we could just tell like you don't

383
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 1: belong and in rehab, I you know, I learned so

384
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: much about getting high and Gael incarcerated and then rehab

385
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:13,720
Speaker 1: I learned how to get high on air conditioners. Yes,

386
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,960
Speaker 1: you know, you know that single from that group died

387
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 1: because of that. I can't think of the end of

388
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:19,560
Speaker 1: the group, but he died because he got how in

389
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,359
Speaker 1: the air conditioner. And I'm like, how can you bet

390
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,359
Speaker 1: how in the air conditioner? But it's something in it, right,

391
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:30,280
Speaker 1: It's that's what it is. We would go in our

392
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Speaker 1: apartments and take like a big garbage bag and when

393
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,000
Speaker 1: we were in rehab, that's where I learned it, and

394
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 1: fill up the garbage bag with all the free on

395
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,160
Speaker 1: and in heal it and it's like you're like high,

396
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:45,560
Speaker 1: is it kit? You're yeah, but you pass out And

397
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 1: a lot of times, like one of my friends, busses

398
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,280
Speaker 1: had open because you pass out. But it gets you high.

399
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,080
Speaker 1: I learned that in rehab. When I was in in

400
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,480
Speaker 1: A and n A. The few times that I went,

401
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,600
Speaker 1: I was just thinking about leaving to go get high.

402
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 1: And like in jail and the mental hospitals and treatment

403
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 1: centers that I was in, I got so high because

404
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,320
Speaker 1: they just want to dope you up. I was a

405
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,160
Speaker 1: ward of the state with the foster children and other

406
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 1: children that were you know, juveniles. I left um the

407
00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 1: treatment center for bolimia and depression, all these things they

408
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,960
Speaker 1: diagnosed me with, and I left with like a guard,

409
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 1: like a grocery bag full of psychotropics, xanax, depicode tries.

410
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: It owned like I was so doped up, Like wow,

411
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 1: and you were still functioning. I was still functioning until

412
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 1: I wasn't functioning. So how has how has drugs in

413
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 1: the past of being addicted to like so many stuff,

414
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:53,680
Speaker 1: has it affected your health? Now? You know? I don't

415
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,920
Speaker 1: like to go to the doctor because it's almost like

416
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:03,680
Speaker 1: when I got sober, I became drug phobic. Like I

417
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:08,919
Speaker 1: don't drink caffeine, I don't smoke cigarettes, I don't drink alcohol.

418
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 1: Like every substance, I'm like, no it. I had to

419
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,960
Speaker 1: have a procedure on my leg a couple of months ago,

420
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:19,560
Speaker 1: and the only reason why I took the antibiotic, which

421
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,360
Speaker 1: I hadn't taken since I got sober. Every time i'd

422
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 1: be sick, I would just stick it through. And I

423
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,439
Speaker 1: think I was so afraid of being, you know, on drugs,

424
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 1: that if something had happened to me in the past,

425
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 1: I probably would have been like, just let me die.

426
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,960
Speaker 1: So I had this procedure on my leg and I

427
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,320
Speaker 1: didn't want to take the antibotic from My brother had

428
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 1: the same situation on his leg and he almost died

429
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:47,680
Speaker 1: from it, and like that's the only reason why I

430
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,879
Speaker 1: took it. So to me, I haven't really gone to

431
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,760
Speaker 1: the doctor as much as I probably should have. But

432
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:59,280
Speaker 1: as far as my body, like God kept me. The

433
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,320
Speaker 1: only is as I have is just from eating too much.

434
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,240
Speaker 1: Like maybe I could be diabetic, but I don't know.

435
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 1: I mean just because my mom is diabetic, my dad

436
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:13,200
Speaker 1: has high blood pressure. But like drug related, no other

437
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 1: than what that k too did where you know I

438
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: have sometimes I can't sleep at night or um, just

439
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:25,160
Speaker 1: a little bit of anxiety or you know, I'll take

440
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 1: that back. Sometimes when I get really nervous. When you

441
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: take ecstasy, when it hits your your blood stream and

442
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 1: you start to feel it, you get like bubble guts,

443
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to use the restroom, You

444
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,919
Speaker 1: get kind of hot and clammy. Sometimes when I get

445
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 1: nervous now, or if something happens that kind of startles me,

446
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,240
Speaker 1: it's almost like a flashback of that drug. It's almost

447
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,760
Speaker 1: that feel. It takes you back to that, to a

448
00:26:54,800 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 1: particular moment associated with that drug. Wow, I know you

449
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 1: talked about I think you said you was married twice. Yes,

450
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,840
Speaker 1: So did they know your situation when you get married

451
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,360
Speaker 1: to them? Well, my first husband was five years younger

452
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:18,520
Speaker 1: than me, and he he was one of my best

453
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,920
Speaker 1: friend's little brothers, and he kind of knew me as

454
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 1: like the stripper, the fun girl, the party here. So

455
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 1: that's kind of how we linked up. But the only

456
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 1: thing was, um, he didn't know about the crack. I

457
00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:34,399
Speaker 1: think I had kind of started to slow down on that.

458
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 1: I was more just drinking and popping pills um and dancing,

459
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 1: and he was fine with that because he kind of

460
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 1: found that, you know, fun and attractive a little bit. No,

461
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,280
Speaker 1: he wasn't really, No, he's probably like more he used

462
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 1: to be like a pothhead. But the issue that I

463
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:57,879
Speaker 1: had with him mostly is when I went through the

464
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,919
Speaker 1: anxiety and the nervous break down and the suicidal stuff.

465
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,879
Speaker 1: It's almost like I didn't feel like he understood. But

466
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 1: it's like when you're so scared, you're dealing with anxiety

467
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,320
Speaker 1: and something you'll never understand unless you go through it.

468
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,399
Speaker 1: It's like you really need someone to be there for you.

469
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 1: And I feel like he used to make me feel

470
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 1: bad because I wouldn't drink and because because I didn't,

471
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:31,160
Speaker 1: I still love him, Um, like I I always love him,

472
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:34,920
Speaker 1: but as far as my sanity, I just I'll never

473
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 1: put someone above my sobriety. And mm hmmm, so what

474
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:47,120
Speaker 1: about the second relationship? Second relationship, he is actually twenty

475
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 1: five years older than me. Yes, and um, he loves

476
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:57,400
Speaker 1: me to pieces. Um, but the only thing about that,

477
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 1: I think, Um, he kind of knows a little bit

478
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 1: about what I've gone through and probably you know stuff

479
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 1: that he hears me saying stuff like that. But you

480
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: haven't really told him. I mean, not like to his face, no,

481
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 1: but he he listens to my shows and so I

482
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 1: know he knows. But I've never really told him because

483
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 1: in my first marriage, he was so ashamed of the

484
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,000
Speaker 1: things I had done and he would tell me like,

485
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 1: I don't want you. Because I started writing a book,

486
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 1: and I mean, I'm a pretty decent writer. I'm not

487
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: a very like boastful person, but I'm a pretty good writer.

488
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 1: And when I let him read it, he was like,

489
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 1: I don't want people to know this about my wife.

490
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 1: This is disgusted. Yeah, so this is you, This is

491
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 1: your story. You have to share your story. Yeah, so

492
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 1: we are. But you spoke about media, So I think

493
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,320
Speaker 1: this is a perfect time for you to inspire these

494
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: listeners because you definitely expire me. You know, starting over

495
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 1: isn't easy. Um being drugs, prostitution, gang rate, homeless, stripping.

496
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 1: How did you get to a point where you started? Oh? Man,

497
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:14,640
Speaker 1: now you are in media because you're getting laid off,

498
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:18,040
Speaker 1: getting laid off. Gott be laid up for God's blessings,

499
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 1: because you know a lot of people say, you know,

500
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 1: different horrible things that happened in our lives or our

501
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,600
Speaker 1: relationship that we wanted and we just fight so hard

502
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 1: tooth and nail for something, but God, God knows why.

503
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,240
Speaker 1: And so I got laid off. And so did you

504
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 1: always tell a media No? Never, never? Ever? Um. I

505
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: actually used to have, like, um an issue with taking

506
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:51,040
Speaker 1: pictures and being out because I've done so many things

507
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:52,800
Speaker 1: in my past. It was kind of like I didn't

508
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,760
Speaker 1: want nobody to see me. I just I kind of

509
00:30:56,040 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 1: hated myself, so to be out in the like in

510
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,280
Speaker 1: front of a camera or shooting filming radio never in

511
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:06,480
Speaker 1: a million years. I went out with one of a

512
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,240
Speaker 1: girl that I met at Saphora because my husband was

513
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,560
Speaker 1: like out of town for business. And I went to

514
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 1: Saphora and the girl who did my makeup, you were

515
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 1: just talking and we just totally hit it off, and

516
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:20,640
Speaker 1: she was like, well, I'm going out tonight. You want

517
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,600
Speaker 1: to go, and I'm like, okay, cool, my husband's out

518
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: of town, let's go. Don't never met this struggle before.

519
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:29,520
Speaker 1: So we went out and she was like, you know,

520
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:32,600
Speaker 1: you have a nice body and like I love your

521
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,640
Speaker 1: style and you're just different. There's something about you why

522
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,880
Speaker 1: you do seem like you fun to be around. Though

523
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:42,440
Speaker 1: yes I'm a little good because even like your pictures,

524
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, I see you like you, like you like

525
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 1: fun to like your You're a good energy. I tried yeah,

526
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 1: but she was like, why don't you blog? And I've

527
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,680
Speaker 1: heard that soul for so long? Like I was always

528
00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 1: the one doing like mohawks and just strange things before

529
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,880
Speaker 1: anybody was doing it, and just something clicked. I was like,

530
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:04,560
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't know why I'm not doing

531
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:07,440
Speaker 1: it either. And that night I went home, she took

532
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,160
Speaker 1: some pictures of me and like, you know, coached me,

533
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,400
Speaker 1: like turned to the side and do this and do that.

534
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 1: And I saw him and I was like wow. And

535
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,560
Speaker 1: I looked at those pictures and I just had so

536
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: much confidence. And then I started. I started my blog.

537
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,520
Speaker 1: I thought of this the name and just started going

538
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:26,560
Speaker 1: with it. And I was doing interviews at a concert

539
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 1: um filming and the radio station owner saw me doing

540
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 1: the interviews and I didn't even see him, and so

541
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 1: he reached out to me and he was like, I

542
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: want to give you your own radio show. And I'm

543
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 1: like radio, I've never done raid, Like thinking to myself,

544
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,640
Speaker 1: like I've never done radio. Who are you? I didn't

545
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:48,520
Speaker 1: even see you? How did you see me? And so

546
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,520
Speaker 1: I got my own radio show and it basically is

547
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,360
Speaker 1: a platform for people to speak about how God has

548
00:32:54,440 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 1: changed their life. And so then What's crazy See is

549
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:04,200
Speaker 1: the biggest brand that I linked up with that I've

550
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,480
Speaker 1: been with for probably the past year. That's you know,

551
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 1: taught me the most and giving me like the hugest

552
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: opportunities to make a difference working with women and stuff.

553
00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,800
Speaker 1: I almost didn't even go to the event that I

554
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 1: met these people at. And I went and It's just

555
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,280
Speaker 1: amazing because I ended up going on their show, and

556
00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,040
Speaker 1: it was probably one of the first times that I

557
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: spoke about my past, and instead of pushing me away,

558
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:36,000
Speaker 1: this person like pulled me closer and literally showed me

559
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:39,400
Speaker 1: how to turn my pain into purpose. So I've been

560
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:44,760
Speaker 1: able to speak and rehab um prisons and places that

561
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,200
Speaker 1: I really could have been had I not, you know,

562
00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 1: woke up one day and just was sober um and

563
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:58,360
Speaker 1: so I just honestly what I do now is like

564
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:02,360
Speaker 1: I used to let the fear stopped me. I used

565
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,080
Speaker 1: to be like I used to tell my friends because

566
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,680
Speaker 1: you know, everyone with social media people want to travel,

567
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,879
Speaker 1: and I have a friend that just travels all over

568
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:13,120
Speaker 1: the world, and nobody knew I had this phobia of

569
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 1: flying and being claustrophobic in a plane, and so I

570
00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 1: used to tell them, can we just go to like

571
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:23,200
Speaker 1: somewhere close that's you know, a thirty minute flight and

572
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,120
Speaker 1: they didn't understand why. And so this brand that I

573
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,719
Speaker 1: started working with, he was like, we need to go

574
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,640
Speaker 1: film in l a Um, We're gonna do a documentary

575
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 1: on skid Row. And so I was like, Okay, get

576
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:39,360
Speaker 1: the ticket. But even up until the day, I packed

577
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:42,400
Speaker 1: my bag even going to the airport, I'm still like,

578
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 1: am I really gonna get on this plane? And what

579
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,320
Speaker 1: I say, what I changed about my life is I

580
00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 1: just do it. I just do it. I don't let

581
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:55,719
Speaker 1: the fear stop me. I just come on, don't let

582
00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,680
Speaker 1: the fair stop you. Seriously, That's what it is. People.

583
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,840
Speaker 1: They think it's like a it's momentum. Like when you

584
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,759
Speaker 1: get that first thought in your mind, whether it's you know,

585
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 1: to not eat this food that you know it's killing you,

586
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 1: or to stop smoking or stop dating this man or

587
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,600
Speaker 1: having sex with this person that you know it's bad

588
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,759
Speaker 1: for you. It's when we justify it and rationalize it

589
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: in our minds that battle is lost in your mind first.

590
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,160
Speaker 1: So what I do is I don't even play with it,

591
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,319
Speaker 1: Like I don't even say, you know what, I could

592
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,400
Speaker 1: go drink. I could just have one drink. I just

593
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:31,479
Speaker 1: don't even play with it. And if people could stop

594
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 1: it before it even started, before it gets somewhere, then

595
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:40,640
Speaker 1: they could do anything where. And you're right, I feel

596
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,440
Speaker 1: like a lot of people put so much emotion behind

597
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:46,319
Speaker 1: the thought that you want to give you don't even

598
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 1: know how it's gonna end up. Because you already pre

599
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:53,040
Speaker 1: told yourself how it's gonna be. Yeah, just do it,

600
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 1: and negative, negative talk. When I was having like going

601
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:01,560
Speaker 1: through the nervous break down, I kept I will go

602
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,360
Speaker 1: to church, like every day, if there was a service,

603
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:07,480
Speaker 1: a class, anything, I was there because I didn't want

604
00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:09,840
Speaker 1: to go home. Like the littlest things would give me

605
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: panic attacks. It was I was afraid to pray. It

606
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,040
Speaker 1: was just the craziest stuff happening. And somebody at the

607
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:20,799
Speaker 1: church was like, you know, they told me Proverbs thirty one,

608
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:22,600
Speaker 1: life and death is in the power of the tongue.

609
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 1: And I realized that all I was saying those days,

610
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,440
Speaker 1: you know, when I was going through that is like

611
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:32,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna die. I'm so scared, you know, you know,

612
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,320
Speaker 1: I can't breathe, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.

613
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,680
Speaker 1: I'm always gonna be crazy. What's wrong with me? And

614
00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:42,480
Speaker 1: I started to realize that I was creating it is

615
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:46,760
Speaker 1: the most powerful weapon. Yes, my subconscious mind was hearing

616
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 1: it and living it out. And once I realized that

617
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 1: it's almost like I hate to say, like fake it

618
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:55,919
Speaker 1: to you make it. But even times that I would

619
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,240
Speaker 1: think have a little sniffle I would just tell myself,

620
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 1: you're not sick. Odd. I rarely get sick just from that.

621
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,480
Speaker 1: I don't let it take over me and just be like, oh,

622
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:10,960
Speaker 1: I'm the minds the powerful, too, very powerful. So let's

623
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:14,000
Speaker 1: get into some community service. I know you're really big

624
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,799
Speaker 1: on human trafficking and homeless women. Tell us a little

625
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:20,960
Speaker 1: bit about that. I think that's really amazing. So what

626
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,879
Speaker 1: I do now is we have workshops on Wednesdays where

627
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,080
Speaker 1: we work with women from one of our impact community

628
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:32,919
Speaker 1: impact partners. And this shelter houses women, but not only

629
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:36,920
Speaker 1: women dealing with addiction, but there's even a location that

630
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:41,320
Speaker 1: houses the mother that's going through addiction and her children,

631
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 1: up to like five kids in a rehab unheard of.

632
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:51,040
Speaker 1: And so they come to our Innovation Impact Center in

633
00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:54,680
Speaker 1: the downtown area of our city. And so we've taked

634
00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:57,520
Speaker 1: to them, or we have social entrepreneurs that come and

635
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: teach them how to make candles. That's the sewing um

636
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:08,239
Speaker 1: Flower arrangements, to teach them financial literacy and confidence. And

637
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:12,320
Speaker 1: just to see the women come in, you know, some

638
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,680
Speaker 1: of them are detoxing, some of them are you know,

639
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:18,239
Speaker 1: nodding off because they're on mesodone and and things like that,

640
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:20,840
Speaker 1: and just to see them come in and be like,

641
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:25,960
Speaker 1: mak a different I don't know how to do that,

642
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:29,239
Speaker 1: and to see them turn that I can't think I

643
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:35,880
Speaker 1: can is amazing and it really is. And then the

644
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:40,120
Speaker 1: thing that's the most powerful to me is not just

645
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:46,160
Speaker 1: like speaking in and rehabs. It's like just regular people

646
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,200
Speaker 1: that I feel like I don't want to say like

647
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 1: I ministered to them, but minister comes in different ways.

648
00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:57,760
Speaker 1: So I think definitely what you're doing and you're definitely

649
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: ministering to these people because you give people hope. If

650
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,800
Speaker 1: I was in your situation and I'm in this situation

651
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 1: now and I'm looking at somebody that that came through

652
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,320
Speaker 1: that situation, how can that not make you want to

653
00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:13,759
Speaker 1: do better. It's all a part of God's plan. Yeah,

654
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 1: Like God uses people. Man like you know who else

655
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 1: think is also very anointed DMX. I think that man

656
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 1: is so annointed, really, yes, because when you heard that

657
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:30,320
Speaker 1: man pray or when you hear him preach, only certain

658
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:33,480
Speaker 1: people can pray and preach like that that's been through

659
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,320
Speaker 1: so much. So it's like if you if you have

660
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,200
Speaker 1: a person that's been through all this stuff, but here

661
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 1: you are telling me that I'm gonna get through it.

662
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 1: You got through it, you have a job in media,

663
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,879
Speaker 1: like you can still at your right state of mind.

664
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 1: That is amazing. That's God, it really is, and not

665
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:55,880
Speaker 1: just that, the fact of how things lined up, Like

666
00:39:56,360 --> 00:40:00,879
Speaker 1: my first Red Carpet experience, my very very first one.

667
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:08,040
Speaker 1: I interviewed slim Thug, but be Lisa Rey my first

668
00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 1: Red carpet experience. So it's I don't even say like

669
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: I'm the best, I'm the greatest. No. God, literally, I've

670
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:19,040
Speaker 1: been able to see why Satan tried to hold me

671
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,920
Speaker 1: down because of what I'm doing now, I'm like, Okay,

672
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 1: that's why you wanted to destroy me. You wanted me

673
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:27,120
Speaker 1: not to want to leave my house. You try to

674
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 1: keep me from traveling, try to keep There was a

675
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,960
Speaker 1: point I was enjoyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mine, and

676
00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,640
Speaker 1: I couldn't even get through it without having a panic

677
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:40,880
Speaker 1: attack because Satan had made me believe that praying is

678
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:45,400
Speaker 1: what was making me crazy, Like the types of lies

679
00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:50,440
Speaker 1: and stuff that he tells people. It's just amazing. It's amazing.

680
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:54,400
Speaker 1: It's the oldest trick in the book. It's fear that

681
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,839
Speaker 1: that is like, that's his favorite and it's so powerful,

682
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 1: and I live early. Every day is like a battle,

683
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:07,480
Speaker 1: and I know that there's so many people dealing with

684
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:11,720
Speaker 1: anxiety and depression and and just negative. There's a woman

685
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:15,480
Speaker 1: that I spoke to recently and and she was telling

686
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 1: me how, um, you know, she feels like she's stupid

687
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:22,560
Speaker 1: and she can't and she's like doing really good in

688
00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:26,279
Speaker 1: her job, nice car. And I just hear some of

689
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,839
Speaker 1: the stuff that she says, and it's like, people get

690
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,279
Speaker 1: so damaged growing up. You know, by the time we're

691
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,880
Speaker 1: five years old, we have a lot of our traits already.

692
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:38,640
Speaker 1: So if you grow up, you know, hearing you're stupid,

693
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:43,120
Speaker 1: you can't do anything right, woman telling me this, and

694
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:46,400
Speaker 1: it's like, it's just so hard to change that, and

695
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:51,279
Speaker 1: that mold your mindset. M So by the time you

696
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:56,480
Speaker 1: get told, let's say what twelve of the teenager years,

697
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,680
Speaker 1: your mind has already been molded to the fect that

698
00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:00,800
Speaker 1: you are stupid, you're not good enough, you can't do this,

699
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:04,919
Speaker 1: and you gotta undo all that damage that was done

700
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:07,120
Speaker 1: to you and be a teenager at the same time.

701
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 1: That's a lot, and that's last so many women in

702
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:15,440
Speaker 1: our community, or just people in general, are balancing these

703
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:18,080
Speaker 1: demons because these demons were put up on people. You

704
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,160
Speaker 1: weren't born with this stuff. People put this on you,

705
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 1: But praying would get you far. I believe in it.

706
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,880
Speaker 1: You just gotta stay prayed up. Man. So I'm not

707
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:35,120
Speaker 1: really the best promoting myself, so you say, media, okay, Um.

708
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,040
Speaker 1: Another thing that I've been able to do things to

709
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: God is I was I've been published in two national

710
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:48,200
Speaker 1: magazinis okay, talk your Ship Now and so um, and

711
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 1: of course many documentaries as well. Okay. I also do

712
00:42:54,320 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 1: Christian music. I do Christian hip hop. I grew up um.

713
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,520
Speaker 1: My father is a jazz musicians, so he plays a

714
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 1: lot of instruments. I played obo, flu piano, saxophone. So

715
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:11,560
Speaker 1: it's like in my blood to play music. But along

716
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:13,880
Speaker 1: with the drugs and everything else, that just went to

717
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:17,759
Speaker 1: the wayside. And it's like really interesting because there was

718
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:20,440
Speaker 1: a producer that came on when a show that we

719
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:25,560
Speaker 1: have UM and he I did a parody video and

720
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 1: he saw it and he was like, I know you're

721
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:29,480
Speaker 1: trying to be funny, but he was like, you kind

722
00:43:29,520 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 1: of got bars. And I'm like I talked so proper,

723
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 1: like I never would see myself like a rapper? Are

724
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:39,480
Speaker 1: you kidding me? And so I mean, I'm about to

725
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:44,720
Speaker 1: drop my et and it's inspiring and it's not pop

726
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:47,799
Speaker 1: lock and drop it, and it's something that I'm really

727
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:51,960
Speaker 1: proud of and I feel like that. I feel like

728
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:55,960
Speaker 1: that's my purpose. I really do, because the opportunities that

729
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,799
Speaker 1: I've had some people that are like, you know, I'll

730
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:02,120
Speaker 1: work with you, don't even worry about the money, like

731
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:06,200
Speaker 1: it's all God, I'm really I'm really proud of you. Man,

732
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:08,480
Speaker 1: I'm really happy for you because you I even heard

733
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:12,880
Speaker 1: the excitement in your voice, Like no, I really can't.

734
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 1: Like I remind you, I never met my guests before,

735
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,840
Speaker 1: but like I'm really when I heard these stories, like

736
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:20,840
Speaker 1: it really makes me happy because I always wanted to

737
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,440
Speaker 1: provide a voice for women to share this story so

738
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:25,680
Speaker 1: the next woman can be the better version of herself

739
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:27,680
Speaker 1: because a lot of people do feel like they're the

740
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:29,920
Speaker 1: only ones that's going through it. So I mean, I

741
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: really do believe you're gonna get people inspiration. Man. Thank you.

742
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:37,440
Speaker 1: You have one last note? You have any regrets about anything?

743
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:51,440
Speaker 1: Any regrets? Not one? Okay, not one? Because I mean

744
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,880
Speaker 1: I've been asked that many times, but I always have

745
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:57,640
Speaker 1: to stop and think, you know, because over time things change.

746
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 1: I don't have one regret because had I not gone

747
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:06,759
Speaker 1: through what I went through in life, I would not

748
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,040
Speaker 1: be the person that I am today. I would not

749
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:13,520
Speaker 1: be able to help people like from experience. I would

750
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:18,640
Speaker 1: not have like humility, understanding empathy. I would just empathy.

751
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:23,719
Speaker 1: I'm really I'm thankful for everything that I went through.

752
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,200
Speaker 1: I feel like I was on assignment and that was

753
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,080
Speaker 1: I know. God knew where I was gonna go and

754
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:33,400
Speaker 1: that people were gonna listen to me and see his glory.

755
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,800
Speaker 1: And as long as I try to keep everything to

756
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 1: myself and be so ashamed, I just felt God. He

757
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 1: put it in my spirit. He was like, where is

758
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:45,279
Speaker 1: my glory? Like you went through all these things. I

759
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:48,400
Speaker 1: woke you up one day. You weren't even trying to

760
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:51,880
Speaker 1: like change. I woke you up. Seven and a half

761
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:56,439
Speaker 1: years I've been sober, and that's God. That is literally God.

762
00:45:56,680 --> 00:45:59,840
Speaker 1: So there's no way I could just live my life

763
00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:02,120
Speaker 1: and keep all that to myself. And I know that

764
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 1: it's so many people out here hurting or they have

765
00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:09,000
Speaker 1: people that are addicted or mental issues or sexual trauma

766
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:12,839
Speaker 1: or homeless like people see me and then they hear

767
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:16,879
Speaker 1: my story. Like the first time I told my testimony

768
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:20,800
Speaker 1: in like a public setting, i was on a panel

769
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:23,439
Speaker 1: with other like powerful women, and I'm like, oh my god,

770
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,680
Speaker 1: what am I even doing here? Like do I even belong?

771
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,719
Speaker 1: And the way people looked at me, you know, I

772
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:32,879
Speaker 1: was dressed to the nine. I'm like, where's she going?

773
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:43,640
Speaker 1: R baby? But unless I'm at home, girl, y'all want

774
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:47,120
Speaker 1: to you know, the real be Okay. So when I went,

775
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,400
Speaker 1: they were looking at me like I feel like people

776
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,800
Speaker 1: when they first see me, they kind of think like

777
00:46:54,280 --> 00:46:59,359
Speaker 1: maybe I'm bougi or But so after I told my testimony,

778
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,560
Speaker 1: their faith like some people's mouth were open, Like you

779
00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:05,520
Speaker 1: know how you try and act like you're not shocked,

780
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:09,680
Speaker 1: but you could tell people are shocked. You all look

781
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,879
Speaker 1: like your story. I don't look like what I've been through.

782
00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:18,960
Speaker 1: And that's only no matter what people go through, it

783
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:21,520
Speaker 1: is a reason for it, even the bad things, like

784
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:24,680
Speaker 1: I would rather feel all the pain. I would rather

785
00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 1: feel all the heartbreak than to feel nothing at all.

786
00:47:28,520 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 1: I would rather feel everything. And so that's my scory

787
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:37,840
Speaker 1: and on that, No, guys, if you have any questions,

788
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:41,760
Speaker 1: calments concerns, remarks. You wanna get in contact with my guests,

789
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:45,120
Speaker 1: please email me at hello at the Professional Homeguard dot com.

790
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,200
Speaker 1: That's where I think. This is literally one of my

791
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:50,200
Speaker 1: favorite episodes. I hope that you all have they inspired

792
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:53,600
Speaker 1: and until next time, everyone Later,