Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production
Speaker 1: of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I have a
Speaker 1: confession I want to make today. My daughter, My adult daughter,
Speaker 1: has decided she doesn't want to speak to me. For
Speaker 1: many many months, she ghosted me, wouldn't respond to my
Speaker 1: telephone calls, wouldn't answer my texts, and when we did connect,
Speaker 1: she acted like nothing were going on, as if I
Speaker 1: were crazy. Now there are days when my sanity can
Speaker 1: be questioned, but that's not the issue. The issue here
Speaker 1: is how does a child, an adult child, resolve issues,
Speaker 1: upset breakdowns with their mother as an adult And why
Speaker 1: is it that we think it's okay to just cut
Speaker 1: our mothers off. Now I'm not talking about a physically
Speaker 1: abusive or verbally abusive mother. I'm talking about a mother
Speaker 1: that you have differences with because you're a woman and
Speaker 1: she's a woman. What makes us think that it's okay
Speaker 1: to just cut our mothers off. And if you are
Speaker 1: a mother, how do you think it would feel for
Speaker 1: your child to cut you off? It's hard, it's a
Speaker 1: hard life when you're in breakdown with your mother. But
Speaker 1: we need to talk about it. When it comes to
Speaker 1: your mother, my question is how do you know this
Speaker 1: is about her and not about you? How do you
Speaker 1: know this is not about how you see things, feel things,
Speaker 1: and just about who she is as a person. And
Speaker 1: the other difficulty in dealing with mothers is learning how
Speaker 1: to be an adult in the face of your mommy.
Speaker 1: Now listen. As a mother, I know that mothers can
Speaker 1: be difficult, but I also know that there is no
Speaker 1: greater love, no greater connection than the one between a
Speaker 1: mother and a child. So when there's a breakdown between
Speaker 1: a mother and an adult child, I am sorry to
Speaker 1: say that everybody has to take responsibility for their part
Speaker 1: in the breakdown, even me. And that's why we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about it today. Greeting's beloved, Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot where we discuss all things relationships. So what
Speaker 1: is the problem, issue, challenge question you would like us
Speaker 1: to nibble on today?
Speaker 2: How do you move on if you don't have a
Speaker 2: good relationship with your mother?
Speaker 1: How do you move on? Or how do I move on?
Speaker 2: No? How do I move on?
Speaker 1: Good? Because so very often in relationships, when we have
Speaker 1: a breakdown or challenge, an issue, a problem, we externalize it.
Speaker 1: How do you do so and so when your mother?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: How do I do so and so? When my mother?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: You want to own all of it so that you
Speaker 1: can get to it. How do I move on when
Speaker 1: I don't have a good relationship with my mother? So
Speaker 1: I need to clarify two things. What does move on mean?
Speaker 1: And what does good relationship mean?
Speaker 2: Move on means I don't want to be bothered with
Speaker 2: her anymore. She's not a good person. That's a hard
Speaker 2: thing for me to say. I'm a mother, Okay, so
Speaker 2: that's very hard for me to say. And the other
Speaker 2: thing is is do it in a peaceful way where
Speaker 2: you know, I forgive her because my kids are watching me.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered with her anymore because
Speaker 1: she's not a good person. I just want to scratch
Speaker 1: there for a moment. Okay, are you willing?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Of course, I don't want to be bothered with her.
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: I don't want her in my life on any level.
Speaker 1: Well, that's not going to happen, so let's move on
Speaker 1: to the next thing. Let me tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: Because it's a lifetime relationship. Her blood runs through your veins.
Speaker 1: You know her better than she knows herself because you
Speaker 1: lived inside of her body, and perhaps you can see
Speaker 1: feel sense some of her contradictions and failures because you
Speaker 1: lived within her things that she's not conscious of herself.
Speaker 1: Now you get to choose how to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with her, even if that's you sent a Christmas card,
Speaker 1: a Mother's Day card, a birthday card. But as long
Speaker 1: as you have upset with her, you will be in
Speaker 1: relationship with her. What you want to be is in
Speaker 1: peaceful relationship with her. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2: No, I don't want to be in any relationship with her,
Speaker 2: but you are.
Speaker 1: That's not going to change. Her blood runs through your veins,
Speaker 1: So you are rejecting or trying to detach from a
Speaker 1: piece of yourself. Your mother is your heart. The first
Speaker 1: sound you heard as a living being was her heart beat.
Speaker 1: There's no way you cannot be in relationship with her.
Speaker 1: You get to choose the kind of relationship you have
Speaker 1: with her.
Speaker 2: Okay, and that's I guess. I want to be at
Speaker 2: peace with the kind of relationship I'm choosing with her.
Speaker 2: Does that make Does that make better sense?
Speaker 1: Yes, that makes more sense. But as long as you
Speaker 1: feel I don't want her in my life, I don't
Speaker 1: want to be in relationship. You're fighting against yourself, beloved.
Speaker 1: Your relationship with your mother is a lifetime relationship. You
Speaker 1: cannot undo her being your mother. You can undo a husband,
Speaker 1: you can undo a boss. If you shere blood, you
Speaker 1: can't undo that. You can't undo it.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: This is so very curious to me because very recently
Speaker 1: I did some deep spiritual work and in that process
Speaker 1: of the work, what I became aware of, or what
Speaker 1: I was guided to recognize, is my daughter has a
Speaker 1: very contentious relationship with me. I could not figure out
Speaker 1: why I've given, I've done, I've boodabah, you know, right,
Speaker 1: And no matter how much I do, it's not enough.
Speaker 1: No matter what I do, it's not right, no matter
Speaker 1: you know anything that it's just you know, she's just
Speaker 1: an enemy to me, or it feels that way. And
Speaker 1: what I recognized or what I was shown in this
Speaker 1: work that I was doing on myself was that she
Speaker 1: is the part of me that I reject, deny, avoid
Speaker 1: and resist. She is my shadow self, and the way
Speaker 1: that I am with her is the way that I
Speaker 1: am with the peace of myself. The piece I don't like,
Speaker 1: the peach I don't recognize, the piece that I don't
Speaker 1: want to acknowledge admit, and she just shows up to
Speaker 1: support me in learning how to be compassionate with all
Speaker 1: of me. Now, my situation is the reverse of yours,
Speaker 1: because you the daughter saying you don't want to be
Speaker 1: in relationship with the mother, and I have been the
Speaker 1: mother saying I don't want to be in relationship with
Speaker 1: the daughter because of the way she treats me. So
Speaker 1: here's my question, beloved, what part of your mother represents
Speaker 1: a part of you that maybe you're unaware of or
Speaker 1: unaccepting of, or having become conscious of.
Speaker 2: Yet Oh, I know exactly which one. In my home,
Speaker 2: the only emotion was how to be mean and evil? Ah, yeah,
Speaker 2: that is something that I work through every day. My
Speaker 2: husband when he first met me, why do you always
Speaker 2: have a scowl on your face? Why you know? And
Speaker 2: so that part, like I know how to be mean
Speaker 2: and evil, but to be kind takes more effort. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, to be kind takes an open heart. And
Speaker 1: when there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter,
Speaker 1: I don't care who the mother is, who the daughter is.
Speaker 1: When there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter,
Speaker 1: the heart is shut down.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: So tell me. You say you're a mother, you have daughters,
Speaker 1: and what's your daughter's name.
Speaker 2: My daughter's name is Tyler.
Speaker 1: Let's make believe. Okay. Tyler is talking to this woman
Speaker 1: on the radio program and she says to the woman this,
Speaker 1: I want you to close your eyes and hear that
Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered with my mother because
Speaker 1: she is not a good person. That's what Tyler is saying.
Speaker 1: How does that make you feel?
Speaker 2: It hurts me to my core?
Speaker 1: Yeah, because in your mind, just like me, you've done everything,
Speaker 1: You've given everything. You didn't treat her like your mother
Speaker 1: treated you. You don't do the things that your mother did.
Speaker 1: What is she talking about? But that's Tyler's experience. So
Speaker 1: what if your experience of your mother is not necessarily true,
Speaker 1: But it's the story that you've made up about the
Speaker 1: way you've interpreted who she is and how she behaves.
Speaker 2: I feel like I've been open when I've been hurt.
Speaker 2: You hurt me when you did this, and she would
Speaker 2: do it again, and see I don't have time for that.
Speaker 1: Well, see you think that she did it again to
Speaker 1: you as opposed to do it again as a reflection
Speaker 1: of her consciousness and maybe her inability to resolve with
Speaker 1: her mother or with the dark part of herself. I'm
Speaker 1: telling you, they told me everything I don't like about
Speaker 1: my daughter is the stuff I don't like and accept
Speaker 1: about me. Maybe everything that you don't like and accept
Speaker 1: about your mother is the stuff that you don't like
Speaker 1: and accept about yourself. Because think of it this way,
Speaker 1: it's not so much beloved what happens, as it is
Speaker 1: the story we tell ourselves about what happens. So here's
Speaker 1: the story. My mother put me in the trunk of
Speaker 1: the car, all right, that's what happened. She put you
Speaker 1: in the trunk of the car. Now, maybe she snatched
Speaker 1: you and puts you in there. Maybe she tricked you
Speaker 1: to go in there. Maybe she threw you in there.
Speaker 1: She threw you in the trunk of the car. That's
Speaker 1: what happened. The story you tell yourself about it is
Speaker 1: my mother threw me in the trunk of the car
Speaker 1: because she hates me. My mother threw me in the
Speaker 1: trunk of the car because she's crazy. My mother threw
Speaker 1: me in the trunk of the car. And she shouldn't
Speaker 1: have done that, because she should have known I'm scared
Speaker 1: of the dark, and I didn't have anything to eat,
Speaker 1: and I had to pee, and she shouldn't have done it.
Speaker 1: The truth is, she put you in the trunk of
Speaker 1: the car, perhaps with no explanation. What changes the experience
Speaker 1: into something more devastating is what you tell yourself about it,
Speaker 1: and what you tell yourself about her. So I tell
Speaker 1: my mother what she does that hurts me, and she
Speaker 1: does it again because she's not a good person. She
Speaker 1: does it again because she don't care about me. The
Speaker 1: only thing she do is think about herself. She did
Speaker 1: it again because she never hears what I'm saying. She
Speaker 1: don't care what she's doing to people. She's a selfish cow.
Speaker 1: She did it. Can you hear me?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can hear you.
Speaker 1: Is it that she does it again or is it
Speaker 1: what you tell yourself about why she does it again.
Speaker 2: It's both. I think it really is okay.
Speaker 1: But the one that matters is what you tell yourself
Speaker 1: because you want to believe what you think is true.
Speaker 1: You're gonna believe that. Why would your mother consciously do
Speaker 1: something to.
Speaker 2: Hurt you because she's not a good person.
Speaker 1: Well, that means you were born from not a good person.
Speaker 1: So there's not good in you two.
Speaker 2: Now, with those I love.
Speaker 1: If you do it anywhere, you do it everywhere, just
Speaker 1: when you think, just when you think. What I'm aware
Speaker 1: of now is that my daughter isn't responding to me
Speaker 1: necessarily about who I am and what I do. She's
Speaker 1: responding to me to show me the way I treat
Speaker 1: those dark parts of myself. I deny them, I reject them,
Speaker 1: I avoid them, I resist them, I detach from them.
Speaker 1: So my job isn't trying to fix my relationship with
Speaker 1: my daughter. My job is to shine lights on the
Speaker 1: part of me that I don't embrace and accept and acknowledge.
Speaker 1: That's my work, and to be grateful to her for
Speaker 1: showing me. Your mother's not a good person and the
Speaker 1: first thing you heard was her heartbeat, then there's not
Speaker 1: good in you, and you probably have no idea of
Speaker 1: how it shows up. You want to find out. Ask
Speaker 1: your kids. They'll tell you.
Speaker 2: Oh, they tell me, oh baby, they tell me oh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And what do you say when they tell you that?
Speaker 1: That would lead Tyler to say, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be bothered with my mother because she's not a good person.
Speaker 1: And what do you do with what they tell you?
Speaker 2: Oh? We I've hired a counselor for them, and then
Speaker 2: I've been brought in on the counseling session because I'm
Speaker 2: at the root of everything. I'm open to it because
Speaker 2: I want to be my best me.
Speaker 1: Well, your best me means learning how to embrace your
Speaker 1: mother as she is and creating a relationship with her
Speaker 1: that honors who you are. That's how you're going to
Speaker 1: be the best you. You can't walk away from her.
Speaker 1: Five years you haven't spoken to her, so then why
Speaker 1: is it still a problem? Beloved? Can you imagine not
Speaker 1: speaking to Tyler for five years?
Speaker 2: No? I can't.
Speaker 1: I mean really, Well, then you need too, because that's
Speaker 1: what you're creating. Because the only way to truly heal
Speaker 1: a situation is to experience it from both sides. If
Speaker 1: you don't do the conscious work to heal something, then
Speaker 1: you are going to experience it from the other side
Speaker 1: so that you have a full view of what's going on,
Speaker 1: and this is one of those family breakdowns. If, first
Speaker 1: of all, it is very common. It's very common. That's
Speaker 1: number one, because either the mother can't see herself and
Speaker 1: the daughter, or the daughter won't see herself and the mother.
Speaker 1: And we're so busy trying not to be like our
Speaker 1: mother or what we judge our mother to be, that
Speaker 1: we end up being just like her. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I've become my mother. After the break we'll continue to
Speaker 1: unpack the difficult to navigate relationship between mothers and daughters.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Now let's get back
Speaker 1: into the conversation. So let me say this. My mother's
Speaker 1: not a good person and that makes me feel what.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. My mother's not a good person.
Speaker 2: My mother's not a good person, and it makes me
Speaker 2: feel alone.
Speaker 1: Uh huh, come on, take a breath.
Speaker 2: My mother's not a good person and I feel unwanted.
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, now listen to this one. My mother is
Speaker 1: evil and that makes me feel what.
Speaker 2: My mother is evil and that makes me feel ashamed.
Speaker 1: Ah, take a breath, baby. My mother's narcissistic and that
Speaker 1: makes me feel what.
Speaker 2: I never want to be bothered with. Her again.
Speaker 1: Is that true?
Speaker 2: That's true?
Speaker 1: Is there something as true or truer than the statement
Speaker 1: that I never want to be bothered with my mother again?
Speaker 1: Is it something as true or truer? How about I
Speaker 1: love my mother and I miss her, but I don't
Speaker 1: know how to be with her and if it doesn't
Speaker 1: fit that's okay?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Is that as true or truer? Yeah, okay, take a breath. Yeah.
Speaker 1: How about this one as true or ture? I love
Speaker 1: my mother, but I'm ashamed of who she is. I'm
Speaker 1: ashamed of how she behaves. Is that as true or true?
Speaker 2: Trure?
Speaker 1: How about this one? I want to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with my mother, but only if she changes.
Speaker 2: That's not true because she can't change.
Speaker 1: Well, you don't know that to be true. She can change,
Speaker 1: and you know what else can change? Your perspective of her,
Speaker 1: how you see her, how you old her. Because you're
Speaker 1: speaking the story as if your mother's intention in life
Speaker 1: is to hurt you, leave you alone, treat you bad.
Speaker 1: If your mother's narcissistic, then she's got a mental and
Speaker 1: emotional imbalance that she either has no awareness of or
Speaker 1: no control.
Speaker 2: Yes, I figured I have figured that out. Yes, And
Speaker 2: I don't know how.
Speaker 1: To deal with it well again, Mother's Day card, Birthday card,
Speaker 1: Christmas card, Because your first responsibility is to protect yourself.
Speaker 1: And you didn't say this, but I sense it. The
Speaker 1: way your mother behaves frightens you and you don't feel
Speaker 1: safe in her presence. Is that true?
Speaker 2: That's very true?
Speaker 1: Okay, so beloved, your work isn't about creating a relationship
Speaker 1: with your mother. Your relationship is investigating a loneness, unwantedness, shame,
Speaker 1: and not feeling safe. That's your work. What is it
Speaker 1: that she's done that makes you feel alone? And when
Speaker 1: else do you feel that way? What is it that
Speaker 1: she's done, or how is it that she's been with
Speaker 1: you that makes you feel unwanted? And when else do
Speaker 1: you feel that way? When what has she done or
Speaker 1: how has she been with you that makes you feel ashamed?
Speaker 1: Because if you've got a mother that hurts you consciously
Speaker 1: and treats you poorly, yeah, I'd be ashamed to have
Speaker 1: that as my mother. But when else do you feel
Speaker 1: that way? You clean up those things and she's going
Speaker 1: to start looking different. But even more important, how do
Speaker 1: you do it? That's what I have to look at
Speaker 1: with my daughter. How do I do what she does?
Speaker 1: And it may not be that I do it now
Speaker 1: or that I do it consciously? How have I done
Speaker 1: what my daughter does? And I can see it. When
Speaker 1: I looked at it like that, I was like, Oh Jesus,
Speaker 1: just let me go down and drink brown liquors straight
Speaker 1: out the bottle. And I don't even drink, but I'm
Speaker 1: a drink brown liquor straight up out the bottle. Because
Speaker 1: when I looked at it that way, how have I
Speaker 1: done that? And to whom? And can I forgive myself
Speaker 1: for when I've done that? And what that did for
Speaker 1: me was give me more compassion for her. And it
Speaker 1: also set me up so that if I had to
Speaker 1: walk away, I would walk away. But it was a choice,
Speaker 1: not a reaction. You're walking away from your mother out
Speaker 1: of reaction, not out of choice. That means she's got
Speaker 1: the power you don't.
Speaker 2: I thought I was making a choice, but I hadn't
Speaker 2: made a choice because I hadn't worked on this stuff.
Speaker 1: If you haven't spoken to your mother in five years
Speaker 1: and you got to call me to ask me how
Speaker 1: to move on, you done moved on, but you don't
Speaker 1: feel You don't feel that because you haven't cleared your heart.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that part I need to do. I really how
Speaker 2: old is your daughter? My daughter is fifteen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, baby, she can give you some truth.
Speaker 2: Oh she does. So she gave me some yesterday.
Speaker 1: And what did you do with it?
Speaker 2: I listened and I changed. She told me that you
Speaker 2: don't go places in places like Sephora. I don't like makeup.
Speaker 2: She wants to be a makeup artist. And I always say, well,
Speaker 2: you go down to Sephora. I'm going here, and she said,
Speaker 2: I want you to be with me and present. That's
Speaker 2: what she told me.
Speaker 1: So what she's saying to you is I don't want
Speaker 1: to go to Sephora alone.
Speaker 2: Yep, that's exactly what she said. She said that too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you'd feel alone without your mom. And you're
Speaker 1: doing to her. You're modeling to her the very same
Speaker 1: thing you complain about with your mother.
Speaker 2: Oh that's her.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, Oh yeah. You're setting yourself up, baby, because
Speaker 1: you've really got to unpack that story that you're telling
Speaker 1: yourself about your mom. And that doesn't mean that she's
Speaker 1: the best person or that she did it. She did.
Speaker 1: You know, some mothers feed their kids out the trash can,
Speaker 1: but you know what, they will walk three and a
Speaker 1: half miles in a blizzard to go uptown to get
Speaker 1: the best trash they can find. Don't mean they didn't
Speaker 1: feed their kids trash, but as a mom, they went
Speaker 1: to find the best trash they could. But when the
Speaker 1: kids grow up, you know what they're gonna say, my
Speaker 1: mom fed me out the.
Speaker 2: Trash can, right they ad.
Speaker 1: They're gonna discount the fact that she walked three and
Speaker 1: a half miles in a blizzard, up and back three
Speaker 1: and a half miles, that's seven miles to get the
Speaker 1: best trash because they got better trash uptown then they
Speaker 1: had downtown, and all she had to give was trash.
Speaker 1: She went to get the best trash she can find.
Speaker 1: But what the kids are gonna remember is my mama
Speaker 1: fed me out the trash can. That's what Tyler's gonna remember.
Speaker 1: She's gonna remember that the thing that's burning in her
Speaker 1: soul and her spirit, she wants to be a makeup artist.
Speaker 1: You don't have any interest in, so you send her
Speaker 1: to Sephora alone. That your voice and your wisdom and
Speaker 1: your insight, you better start liking makeup. And if you
Speaker 1: don't like it, fake it till you make it because
Speaker 1: it's important to her. Okay, it's important to her, and
Speaker 1: probably your mother never had a conversation with a fool
Speaker 1: like me who would say, you don't have to like it.
Speaker 1: If it's important to her, make yourself like it.
Speaker 2: Exactly. You're right. It's going to change my life. Thank you.
Speaker 1: It's not so much about forgiving your mother as it
Speaker 1: is about forgiving yourself, for judging your mother for the
Speaker 1: way she's been with you and how it's made you feel.
Speaker 1: She's been out your life five years and you can
Speaker 1: still pull up. I feel alone if you got a
Speaker 1: husband and two kids and you feel unmaunted because your
Speaker 1: heart's not clean. So here's your assignment. Clean up your
Speaker 1: heart and your mother will shift, and then you choose
Speaker 1: how to be in relationship with her. Choose how to
Speaker 1: be in relationship. Don't react to her behavior, you know,
Speaker 1: Let this be your healing intention that I want to
Speaker 1: heal so that Tyler never has to feel about me
Speaker 1: the way I feel about my mother. Yeah, courageous, courageous, courageous,
Speaker 1: courageous woman. You are for calling because it is deep
Speaker 1: level healing that you are doing here, and it's so common.
Speaker 1: So I want to thank you for all of the
Speaker 1: mothers out there whose daughters don't speak to them, and
Speaker 1: all of the daughters out there who don't speak to
Speaker 1: their mother, and all the mothers and daughters who are struggling,
Speaker 1: you know, through these kinds of issues because you know,
Speaker 1: we don't know how to heal it, and so thank
Speaker 1: you for your courage. I'm going to send you to prayer,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to wish you the best. Stay in touch,
Speaker 1: send me an email every now and then and let
Speaker 1: me know how you're doing.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, thank you so much, Miscellian Hona, thank you.
Speaker 1: Thank you, my love, and thank you for calling me
Speaker 1: our spot. So before you cut your mother off, you
Speaker 1: owe it to yourself to do everything in your power
Speaker 1: to at least come to a place of peace, to
Speaker 1: at least be at peace in your mind and in
Speaker 1: your heart with who your mother is, just as she is.
Speaker 1: Now here's the good news. You don't need the other person,
Speaker 1: your mother to heal, in order for you to heal
Speaker 1: the breakdown. Now here's a not so good news. You
Speaker 1: don't need the other person to heal in order for
Speaker 1: you to heal your experience of the breakdown. Why is
Speaker 1: that because more often than not, when it's a family
Speaker 1: breakdown a lifetime relationship, we think the other person also
Speaker 1: has to heal. That is not true. You can do
Speaker 1: the healing work. You can have a relationship because you
Speaker 1: get to choose a breakdown. In a family relationship when
Speaker 1: they're shared blood, the only escape route is forgiveness, and
Speaker 1: that's usually the last thing we want to do. We'll
Speaker 1: dive into how to do that after the break Welcome back.
Speaker 1: How do you clean up issues with your mother? I
Speaker 1: mean your mother who fed you, closed you, took care
Speaker 1: of you to the best of her ability, and now
Speaker 1: as an adult, you don't like her. You don't like
Speaker 1: how she does, what she does, how she does it
Speaker 1: with you or to you. My experiences, most people have
Speaker 1: no clue how to address their mother as in adult
Speaker 1: because they were hurt by her when she was just mommy.
Speaker 1: So what they do is they cut her off, just
Speaker 1: cut her off. And of course, because she's the older adult,
Speaker 1: it's always her fault. Well, moms do the best they can.
Speaker 1: Mom's a human. Take a listen, Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome
Speaker 1: to the art spot when we talk about all things relationships,
Speaker 1: all kinds of relationships. So what is your relationship issue, challenge,
Speaker 1: dilemma today.
Speaker 3: I have been having an issue with my immediate family,
Speaker 3: my mom, my sister, my brother, and it's been going
Speaker 3: on for years, back and forth, and I'm just at
Speaker 3: a point of I don't know what else to do.
Speaker 3: I've kind of pulled away, and you know, I love
Speaker 3: my family, and I don't know.
Speaker 2: What it is.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well how do you experience it?
Speaker 2: I I don't like the black sheep.
Speaker 3: It's like it starts with my mom. You know, she
Speaker 3: would got up about me, or if she's upset with
Speaker 3: my sister, she would say things to my brother about
Speaker 3: my sister. My sister and I have the same father
Speaker 3: and my brother doesn't. But a lot of things started
Speaker 3: so when my mom was dating my brother's dad, and
Speaker 3: I've witnessed him hitting my mom and slapping her food
Speaker 3: off the table, and you know, as going up, I
Speaker 3: seen that. So I just didn't like him, and I
Speaker 3: left and went to a friend and my mom came
Speaker 3: to get.
Speaker 2: Me with the police. And once I.
Speaker 3: Got home, I was pushed in my room by my
Speaker 3: sister and my mom would proceeded to hit me in
Speaker 3: my face and woke up the next morning with the
Speaker 3: closed eye and had to go to school like that,
Speaker 3: and that those punches to my face stuck with me
Speaker 3: up until now, and it still hurts me. And over
Speaker 3: the years I've tried to, you know, get past it,
Speaker 3: and it's like that has shaped, you know, this whole
Speaker 3: thing with my mom.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you've got a couple of things going on here,
Speaker 1: So I want to just move in on something that
Speaker 1: I think may may be the main issue. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to offer you this. Because I hear you saying
Speaker 1: you feel like the black sheep, I hear something a
Speaker 1: little different. I hear a hurt and a betrayal because
Speaker 1: your mother, your mother chose a man over you. Does
Speaker 1: that fit for you? Okay? So there it is not
Speaker 1: that you're the black sheep, but a hurt and a
Speaker 1: betrayal because your mother chose a man over you. You
Speaker 1: left home because you didn't want to witness participate. See
Speaker 1: know that she was allowing a man to treat her poorly.
Speaker 1: And not only does she come and drag you back,
Speaker 1: humiliated you by slapping you in your face. I think
Speaker 1: of all the things parents can do to children, that's
Speaker 1: the one thing that they need to outlaw. Slapping a
Speaker 1: person in their face is a form of humiliation. She
Speaker 1: humiliated you and took him back, and he just happens
Speaker 1: to be your brother's father, so you experienced it as
Speaker 1: her favoring your brother over you and your sister. Would
Speaker 1: that be accurate, y man? So see, that's a lot
Speaker 1: different than I'm the black sheep of the family, isn't it?
Speaker 1: And I can imagine how hard it is for that
Speaker 1: little girl in there and for you, as a grown
Speaker 1: woman to sit with. My mom chose a man over me.
Speaker 1: And not only does she choose a man over me,
Speaker 1: she chose a married man who abuses her over me. Well,
Speaker 1: what the heck is wrong with me that she would
Speaker 1: make that choice? Is that how it lands in your belly? Okay?
Speaker 1: Humiliated you? Now you're humiliating yourself by saying I'm the
Speaker 1: black sheep. Ain't nothing wrong with black sheep. They give
Speaker 1: wool just like white sheet. So even being the black
Speaker 1: sheep paine a bad thing. So I need to hear
Speaker 1: you say it so that I can hear how much
Speaker 1: of it you're owning.
Speaker 3: That ball humiliated me when she chose a man over me.
Speaker 1: Where do you feel that in your body. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just want you to be present with that for
Speaker 1: a little while and let that little girl cry about
Speaker 1: it if she needs to, because I think you shut
Speaker 1: her down and rehumiliate her by not telling the truth
Speaker 1: about it. So, my beloved, for you, there's only one
Speaker 1: escape hatch, only one. And this forgiveness, it's not you,
Speaker 1: the forty six year old woman, doing the forgiveness. It's
Speaker 1: finding the voice and the feeling and the energy of
Speaker 1: that little girl, like got slapped in the face. What
Speaker 1: does she need to forgive. It's her thoughts, it's her feelings,
Speaker 1: it's her experience. You're not healing what's going on today,
Speaker 1: this thing about you and your mom and your sister
Speaker 1: and your brother. But that's not what you're healing. You're
Speaker 1: healing her brokenness all the way back.
Speaker 2: Then.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you, Yes, it does. And
Speaker 1: you know, these family breakdowns when you're an adult almost
Speaker 1: always have their root in their core as something that
Speaker 1: happened when you were a child. So here we're talking
Speaker 1: about humiliation, we're talking about betrayal. We're talking about not protecting,
Speaker 1: not nurturing that little girl who is probably afraid when
Speaker 1: this man was not being nice to her mommy, so
Speaker 1: exposing you to danger, exposing you to emotional unsafety. She
Speaker 1: needs to forgive her mom for all of those things,
Speaker 1: not you her. You're just bringing forth her energy and
Speaker 1: it's showing up the way it is today. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense to you?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 1: Can I gift you a copy of my book on
Speaker 1: forgiveness so that you can do that work And it's
Speaker 1: a forty day process. I want you to do that work,
Speaker 1: and then I want you to call me and tell
Speaker 1: me what you now realize, and also tell me if
Speaker 1: anything has changed with you and your mom.
Speaker 2: Oh, well, thank you, okay, my love you be well.
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you. You know, love ships
Speaker 1: or loving relationships, Intimate relationships among partners are not the
Speaker 1: only relationships that break down. Family relationships also break down,
Speaker 1: whether it's the breakdown between the parent and the children,
Speaker 1: or between the siblings or in a blended family. But
Speaker 1: family relationships are very often difficult to heal because when
Speaker 1: they break down, our first instinct is to run. We
Speaker 1: want to run, We want to get away from it
Speaker 1: as far as possible, because we don't realize that family
Speaker 1: relationships are lifetime relationships. Whenever they are just shared blood.
Speaker 1: Whenever the blood that runs to your veins is running
Speaker 1: through somebody else's veins, that is a lifetime relationship. So
Speaker 1: whether you're with the person, see the person, or engage
Speaker 1: with the person, you still have to heal the breakdown.
Speaker 1: A'miyama and I thank you for tuning in. If you
Speaker 1: have questions or insights about this or any other relationship
Speaker 1: topic and you would like us to explore it here
Speaker 1: on the R Spot, you can call me live at
Speaker 1: seven seven five three zero seven seven seven eight now
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all
Speaker 1: of the calling times. In the meantime, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not pie six.
Speaker 2: Favorite.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
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