1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:06,120 Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,959 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production 6 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:38,159 Speaker 1: of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I have a 7 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:42,240 Speaker 1: confession I want to make today. My daughter, My adult daughter, 8 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: has decided she doesn't want to speak to me. For 9 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,839 Speaker 1: many many months, she ghosted me, wouldn't respond to my 10 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,599 Speaker 1: telephone calls, wouldn't answer my texts, and when we did connect, 11 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 1: she acted like nothing were going on, as if I 12 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,319 Speaker 1: were crazy. Now there are days when my sanity can 13 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: be questioned, but that's not the issue. The issue here 14 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: is how does a child, an adult child, resolve issues, 15 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: upset breakdowns with their mother as an adult And why 16 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: is it that we think it's okay to just cut 17 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 1: our mothers off. Now I'm not talking about a physically 18 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:25,039 Speaker 1: abusive or verbally abusive mother. I'm talking about a mother 19 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: that you have differences with because you're a woman and 20 00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:33,759 Speaker 1: she's a woman. What makes us think that it's okay 21 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,320 Speaker 1: to just cut our mothers off. And if you are 22 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 1: a mother, how do you think it would feel for 23 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:45,720 Speaker 1: your child to cut you off? It's hard, it's a 24 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: hard life when you're in breakdown with your mother. But 25 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,480 Speaker 1: we need to talk about it. When it comes to 26 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: your mother, my question is how do you know this 27 00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 1: is about her and not about you? How do you 28 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: know this is not about how you see things, feel things, 29 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:10,120 Speaker 1: and just about who she is as a person. And 30 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:14,639 Speaker 1: the other difficulty in dealing with mothers is learning how 31 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,960 Speaker 1: to be an adult in the face of your mommy. 32 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 1: Now listen. As a mother, I know that mothers can 33 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: be difficult, but I also know that there is no 34 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 1: greater love, no greater connection than the one between a 35 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: mother and a child. So when there's a breakdown between 36 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 1: a mother and an adult child, I am sorry to 37 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: say that everybody has to take responsibility for their part 38 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 1: in the breakdown, even me. And that's why we're going 39 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: to talk about it today. Greeting's beloved, Welcome to the 40 00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 1: R Spot where we discuss all things relationships. So what 41 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 1: is the problem, issue, challenge question you would like us 42 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: to nibble on today? 43 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 2: How do you move on if you don't have a 44 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 2: good relationship with your mother? 45 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,280 Speaker 1: How do you move on? Or how do I move on? 46 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 2: No? How do I move on? 47 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: Good? Because so very often in relationships, when we have 48 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: a breakdown or challenge, an issue, a problem, we externalize it. 49 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: How do you do so and so when your mother? 50 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 2: No? 51 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,240 Speaker 1: How do I do so and so? When my mother? 52 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 2: Yeah? 53 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: You want to own all of it so that you 54 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 1: can get to it. How do I move on when 55 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 1: I don't have a good relationship with my mother? So 56 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: I need to clarify two things. What does move on mean? 57 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 1: And what does good relationship mean? 58 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 2: Move on means I don't want to be bothered with 59 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 2: her anymore. She's not a good person. That's a hard 60 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 2: thing for me to say. I'm a mother, Okay, so 61 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 2: that's very hard for me to say. And the other 62 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 2: thing is is do it in a peaceful way where 63 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 2: you know, I forgive her because my kids are watching me. 64 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered with her anymore because 65 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:17,080 Speaker 1: she's not a good person. I just want to scratch 66 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,839 Speaker 1: there for a moment. Okay, are you willing? 67 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 2: Yeah? 68 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:25,840 Speaker 1: Of course, I don't want to be bothered with her. 69 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:27,159 Speaker 1: What does that mean? 70 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,839 Speaker 2: I don't want her in my life on any level. 71 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: Well, that's not going to happen, so let's move on 72 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 1: to the next thing. Let me tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 73 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: Because it's a lifetime relationship. Her blood runs through your veins. 74 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: You know her better than she knows herself because you 75 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 1: lived inside of her body, and perhaps you can see 76 00:04:55,200 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 1: feel sense some of her contradictions and failures because you 77 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 1: lived within her things that she's not conscious of herself. 78 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: Now you get to choose how to be in relationship 79 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,680 Speaker 1: with her, even if that's you sent a Christmas card, 80 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: a Mother's Day card, a birthday card. But as long 81 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 1: as you have upset with her, you will be in 82 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 1: relationship with her. What you want to be is in 83 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 1: peaceful relationship with her. Would that be accurate? 84 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,360 Speaker 2: No, I don't want to be in any relationship with her, 85 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 2: but you are. 86 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: That's not going to change. Her blood runs through your veins, 87 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: So you are rejecting or trying to detach from a 88 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 1: piece of yourself. Your mother is your heart. The first 89 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 1: sound you heard as a living being was her heart beat. 90 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 1: There's no way you cannot be in relationship with her. 91 00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:00,159 Speaker 1: You get to choose the kind of relationship you have 92 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: with her. 93 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 2: Okay, and that's I guess. I want to be at 94 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 2: peace with the kind of relationship I'm choosing with her. 95 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 2: Does that make Does that make better sense? 96 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: Yes, that makes more sense. But as long as you 97 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,280 Speaker 1: feel I don't want her in my life, I don't 98 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 1: want to be in relationship. You're fighting against yourself, beloved. 99 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,920 Speaker 1: Your relationship with your mother is a lifetime relationship. You 100 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 1: cannot undo her being your mother. You can undo a husband, 101 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 1: you can undo a boss. If you shere blood, you 102 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,720 Speaker 1: can't undo that. You can't undo it. 103 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 2: Okay. 104 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 1: This is so very curious to me because very recently 105 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: I did some deep spiritual work and in that process 106 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 1: of the work, what I became aware of, or what 107 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,719 Speaker 1: I was guided to recognize, is my daughter has a 108 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 1: very contentious relationship with me. I could not figure out 109 00:06:55,920 --> 00:07:00,719 Speaker 1: why I've given, I've done, I've boodabah, you know, right, 110 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,039 Speaker 1: And no matter how much I do, it's not enough. 111 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,839 Speaker 1: No matter what I do, it's not right, no matter 112 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: you know anything that it's just you know, she's just 113 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: an enemy to me, or it feels that way. And 114 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: what I recognized or what I was shown in this 115 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 1: work that I was doing on myself was that she 116 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: is the part of me that I reject, deny, avoid 117 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:32,360 Speaker 1: and resist. She is my shadow self, and the way 118 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: that I am with her is the way that I 119 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 1: am with the peace of myself. The piece I don't like, 120 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: the peach I don't recognize, the piece that I don't 121 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: want to acknowledge admit, and she just shows up to 122 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 1: support me in learning how to be compassionate with all 123 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,320 Speaker 1: of me. Now, my situation is the reverse of yours, 124 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 1: because you the daughter saying you don't want to be 125 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: in relationship with the mother, and I have been the 126 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: mother saying I don't want to be in relationship with 127 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 1: the daughter because of the way she treats me. So 128 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 1: here's my question, beloved, what part of your mother represents 129 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: a part of you that maybe you're unaware of or 130 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 1: unaccepting of, or having become conscious of. 131 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 2: Yet Oh, I know exactly which one. In my home, 132 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 2: the only emotion was how to be mean and evil? Ah, yeah, 133 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 2: that is something that I work through every day. My 134 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 2: husband when he first met me, why do you always 135 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 2: have a scowl on your face? Why you know? And 136 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 2: so that part, like I know how to be mean 137 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,959 Speaker 2: and evil, but to be kind takes more effort. Yeah. 138 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, to be kind takes an open heart. And 139 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: when there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, 140 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,839 Speaker 1: I don't care who the mother is, who the daughter is. 141 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: When there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, 142 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,720 Speaker 1: the heart is shut down. 143 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:49,720 Speaker 2: Wow. 144 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 1: So tell me. You say you're a mother, you have daughters, 145 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 1: and what's your daughter's name. 146 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,440 Speaker 2: My daughter's name is Tyler. 147 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 1: Let's make believe. Okay. Tyler is talking to this woman 148 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,080 Speaker 1: on the radio program and she says to the woman this, 149 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: I want you to close your eyes and hear that 150 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered with my mother because 151 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:13,439 Speaker 1: she is not a good person. That's what Tyler is saying. 152 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:14,840 Speaker 1: How does that make you feel? 153 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:16,839 Speaker 2: It hurts me to my core? 154 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, because in your mind, just like me, you've done everything, 155 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,960 Speaker 1: You've given everything. You didn't treat her like your mother 156 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,120 Speaker 1: treated you. You don't do the things that your mother did. 157 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 1: What is she talking about? But that's Tyler's experience. So 158 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 1: what if your experience of your mother is not necessarily true, 159 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: But it's the story that you've made up about the 160 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 1: way you've interpreted who she is and how she behaves. 161 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,839 Speaker 2: I feel like I've been open when I've been hurt. 162 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 2: You hurt me when you did this, and she would 163 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 2: do it again, and see I don't have time for that. 164 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: Well, see you think that she did it again to 165 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: you as opposed to do it again as a reflection 166 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 1: of her consciousness and maybe her inability to resolve with 167 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,400 Speaker 1: her mother or with the dark part of herself. I'm 168 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,800 Speaker 1: telling you, they told me everything I don't like about 169 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,320 Speaker 1: my daughter is the stuff I don't like and accept 170 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 1: about me. Maybe everything that you don't like and accept 171 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,000 Speaker 1: about your mother is the stuff that you don't like 172 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: and accept about yourself. Because think of it this way, 173 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 1: it's not so much beloved what happens, as it is 174 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,400 Speaker 1: the story we tell ourselves about what happens. So here's 175 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:32,280 Speaker 1: the story. My mother put me in the trunk of 176 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:36,080 Speaker 1: the car, all right, that's what happened. She put you 177 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 1: in the trunk of the car. Now, maybe she snatched 178 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: you and puts you in there. Maybe she tricked you 179 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,720 Speaker 1: to go in there. Maybe she threw you in there. 180 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: She threw you in the trunk of the car. That's 181 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 1: what happened. The story you tell yourself about it is 182 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: my mother threw me in the trunk of the car 183 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 1: because she hates me. My mother threw me in the 184 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: trunk of the car because she's crazy. My mother threw 185 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: me in the trunk of the car. And she shouldn't 186 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,560 Speaker 1: have done that, because she should have known I'm scared 187 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 1: of the dark, and I didn't have anything to eat, 188 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 1: and I had to pee, and she shouldn't have done it. 189 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,680 Speaker 1: The truth is, she put you in the trunk of 190 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 1: the car, perhaps with no explanation. What changes the experience 191 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 1: into something more devastating is what you tell yourself about it, 192 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: and what you tell yourself about her. So I tell 193 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,600 Speaker 1: my mother what she does that hurts me, and she 194 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: does it again because she's not a good person. She 195 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: does it again because she don't care about me. The 196 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,959 Speaker 1: only thing she do is think about herself. She did 197 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 1: it again because she never hears what I'm saying. She 198 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,680 Speaker 1: don't care what she's doing to people. She's a selfish cow. 199 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,600 Speaker 1: She did it. Can you hear me? 200 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, I can hear you. 201 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,319 Speaker 1: Is it that she does it again or is it 202 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:49,040 Speaker 1: what you tell yourself about why she does it again. 203 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 2: It's both. I think it really is okay. 204 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,199 Speaker 1: But the one that matters is what you tell yourself 205 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,880 Speaker 1: because you want to believe what you think is true. 206 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 1: You're gonna believe that. Why would your mother consciously do 207 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: something to. 208 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 2: Hurt you because she's not a good person. 209 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 1: Well, that means you were born from not a good person. 210 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: So there's not good in you two. 211 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,480 Speaker 2: Now, with those I love. 212 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 1: If you do it anywhere, you do it everywhere, just 213 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: when you think, just when you think. What I'm aware 214 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:28,080 Speaker 1: of now is that my daughter isn't responding to me 215 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: necessarily about who I am and what I do. She's 216 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 1: responding to me to show me the way I treat 217 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:40,360 Speaker 1: those dark parts of myself. I deny them, I reject them, 218 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,199 Speaker 1: I avoid them, I resist them, I detach from them. 219 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,280 Speaker 1: So my job isn't trying to fix my relationship with 220 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: my daughter. My job is to shine lights on the 221 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:55,079 Speaker 1: part of me that I don't embrace and accept and acknowledge. 222 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 1: That's my work, and to be grateful to her for 223 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: showing me. Your mother's not a good person and the 224 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: first thing you heard was her heartbeat, then there's not 225 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,200 Speaker 1: good in you, and you probably have no idea of 226 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: how it shows up. You want to find out. Ask 227 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 1: your kids. They'll tell you. 228 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 2: Oh, they tell me, oh baby, they tell me oh. 229 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, And what do you say when they tell you that? 230 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 1: That would lead Tyler to say, I don't want to 231 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,079 Speaker 1: be bothered with my mother because she's not a good person. 232 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,520 Speaker 1: And what do you do with what they tell you? 233 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:30,199 Speaker 2: Oh? We I've hired a counselor for them, and then 234 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 2: I've been brought in on the counseling session because I'm 235 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 2: at the root of everything. I'm open to it because 236 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 2: I want to be my best me. 237 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,080 Speaker 1: Well, your best me means learning how to embrace your 238 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,199 Speaker 1: mother as she is and creating a relationship with her 239 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: that honors who you are. That's how you're going to 240 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,440 Speaker 1: be the best you. You can't walk away from her. 241 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: Five years you haven't spoken to her, so then why 242 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,200 Speaker 1: is it still a problem? Beloved? Can you imagine not 243 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 1: speaking to Tyler for five years? 244 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 2: No? I can't. 245 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 1: I mean really, Well, then you need too, because that's 246 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,360 Speaker 1: what you're creating. Because the only way to truly heal 247 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 1: a situation is to experience it from both sides. If 248 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,440 Speaker 1: you don't do the conscious work to heal something, then 249 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,360 Speaker 1: you are going to experience it from the other side 250 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 1: so that you have a full view of what's going on, 251 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: and this is one of those family breakdowns. If, first 252 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,480 Speaker 1: of all, it is very common. It's very common. That's 253 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 1: number one, because either the mother can't see herself and 254 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 1: the daughter, or the daughter won't see herself and the mother. 255 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: And we're so busy trying not to be like our 256 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: mother or what we judge our mother to be, that 257 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,280 Speaker 1: we end up being just like her. Oh my god, 258 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: I've become my mother. After the break we'll continue to 259 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:56,520 Speaker 1: unpack the difficult to navigate relationship between mothers and daughters. 260 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Now let's get back 261 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,960 Speaker 1: into the conversation. So let me say this. My mother's 262 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,320 Speaker 1: not a good person and that makes me feel what. 263 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 1: Take a breath. My mother's not a good person. 264 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 2: My mother's not a good person, and it makes me 265 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 2: feel alone. 266 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 1: Uh huh, come on, take a breath. 267 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 2: My mother's not a good person and I feel unwanted. 268 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: Yes, okay, now listen to this one. My mother is 269 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 1: evil and that makes me feel what. 270 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:41,560 Speaker 2: My mother is evil and that makes me feel ashamed. 271 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:47,840 Speaker 1: Ah, take a breath, baby. My mother's narcissistic and that 272 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: makes me feel what. 273 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,680 Speaker 2: I never want to be bothered with. Her again. 274 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,200 Speaker 1: Is that true? 275 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 2: That's true? 276 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: Is there something as true or truer than the statement 277 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,480 Speaker 1: that I never want to be bothered with my mother again? 278 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,840 Speaker 1: Is it something as true or truer? How about I 279 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: love my mother and I miss her, but I don't 280 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: know how to be with her and if it doesn't 281 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: fit that's okay? 282 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 2: Okay? 283 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 1: Is that as true or truer? Yeah, okay, take a breath. Yeah. 284 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 1: How about this one as true or ture? I love 285 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 1: my mother, but I'm ashamed of who she is. I'm 286 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: ashamed of how she behaves. Is that as true or true? 287 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 2: Trure? 288 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,400 Speaker 1: How about this one? I want to be in relationship 289 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: with my mother, but only if she changes. 290 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 2: That's not true because she can't change. 291 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,280 Speaker 1: Well, you don't know that to be true. She can change, 292 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 1: and you know what else can change? Your perspective of her, 293 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 1: how you see her, how you old her. Because you're 294 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:08,359 Speaker 1: speaking the story as if your mother's intention in life 295 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 1: is to hurt you, leave you alone, treat you bad. 296 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,679 Speaker 1: If your mother's narcissistic, then she's got a mental and 297 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,879 Speaker 1: emotional imbalance that she either has no awareness of or 298 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:20,439 Speaker 1: no control. 299 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 2: Yes, I figured I have figured that out. Yes, And 300 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:23,800 Speaker 2: I don't know how. 301 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 1: To deal with it well again, Mother's Day card, Birthday card, 302 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:34,520 Speaker 1: Christmas card, Because your first responsibility is to protect yourself. 303 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,479 Speaker 1: And you didn't say this, but I sense it. The 304 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: way your mother behaves frightens you and you don't feel 305 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 1: safe in her presence. Is that true? 306 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 2: That's very true? 307 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,640 Speaker 1: Okay, so beloved, your work isn't about creating a relationship 308 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:56,399 Speaker 1: with your mother. Your relationship is investigating a loneness, unwantedness, shame, 309 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: and not feeling safe. That's your work. What is it 310 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,480 Speaker 1: that she's done that makes you feel alone? And when 311 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,080 Speaker 1: else do you feel that way? What is it that 312 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,160 Speaker 1: she's done, or how is it that she's been with 313 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,359 Speaker 1: you that makes you feel unwanted? And when else do 314 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 1: you feel that way? When what has she done or 315 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,399 Speaker 1: how has she been with you that makes you feel ashamed? 316 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 1: Because if you've got a mother that hurts you consciously 317 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,360 Speaker 1: and treats you poorly, yeah, I'd be ashamed to have 318 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,560 Speaker 1: that as my mother. But when else do you feel 319 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 1: that way? You clean up those things and she's going 320 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 1: to start looking different. But even more important, how do 321 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: you do it? That's what I have to look at 322 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 1: with my daughter. How do I do what she does? 323 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,600 Speaker 1: And it may not be that I do it now 324 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: or that I do it consciously? How have I done 325 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,360 Speaker 1: what my daughter does? And I can see it. When 326 00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:50,440 Speaker 1: I looked at it like that, I was like, Oh Jesus, 327 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 1: just let me go down and drink brown liquors straight 328 00:18:53,200 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: out the bottle. And I don't even drink, but I'm 329 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,159 Speaker 1: a drink brown liquor straight up out the bottle. Because 330 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,000 Speaker 1: when I looked at it that way, how have I 331 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: done that? And to whom? And can I forgive myself 332 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,679 Speaker 1: for when I've done that? And what that did for 333 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:19,240 Speaker 1: me was give me more compassion for her. And it 334 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,879 Speaker 1: also set me up so that if I had to 335 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: walk away, I would walk away. But it was a choice, 336 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,560 Speaker 1: not a reaction. You're walking away from your mother out 337 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,720 Speaker 1: of reaction, not out of choice. That means she's got 338 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,120 Speaker 1: the power you don't. 339 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 2: I thought I was making a choice, but I hadn't 340 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 2: made a choice because I hadn't worked on this stuff. 341 00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:41,040 Speaker 1: If you haven't spoken to your mother in five years 342 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,800 Speaker 1: and you got to call me to ask me how 343 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,160 Speaker 1: to move on, you done moved on, but you don't 344 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 1: feel You don't feel that because you haven't cleared your heart. 345 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, that part I need to do. I really how 346 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 2: old is your daughter? My daughter is fifteen. 347 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,399 Speaker 1: Yeah, baby, she can give you some truth. 348 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 2: Oh she does. So she gave me some yesterday. 349 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,120 Speaker 1: And what did you do with it? 350 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,399 Speaker 2: I listened and I changed. She told me that you 351 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,359 Speaker 2: don't go places in places like Sephora. I don't like makeup. 352 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 2: She wants to be a makeup artist. And I always say, well, 353 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,879 Speaker 2: you go down to Sephora. I'm going here, and she said, 354 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 2: I want you to be with me and present. That's 355 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 2: what she told me. 356 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,400 Speaker 1: So what she's saying to you is I don't want 357 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,399 Speaker 1: to go to Sephora alone. 358 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,680 Speaker 2: Yep, that's exactly what she said. She said that too. 359 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you'd feel alone without your mom. And you're 360 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 1: doing to her. You're modeling to her the very same 361 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 1: thing you complain about with your mother. 362 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:43,520 Speaker 2: Oh that's her. 363 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 1: Oh yes, Oh yeah. You're setting yourself up, baby, because 364 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,320 Speaker 1: you've really got to unpack that story that you're telling 365 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,959 Speaker 1: yourself about your mom. And that doesn't mean that she's 366 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 1: the best person or that she did it. She did. 367 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 1: You know, some mothers feed their kids out the trash can, 368 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 1: but you know what, they will walk three and a 369 00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 1: half miles in a blizzard to go uptown to get 370 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,760 Speaker 1: the best trash they can find. Don't mean they didn't 371 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 1: feed their kids trash, but as a mom, they went 372 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,919 Speaker 1: to find the best trash they could. But when the 373 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,320 Speaker 1: kids grow up, you know what they're gonna say, my 374 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: mom fed me out the. 375 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 2: Trash can, right they ad. 376 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,960 Speaker 1: They're gonna discount the fact that she walked three and 377 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 1: a half miles in a blizzard, up and back three 378 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 1: and a half miles, that's seven miles to get the 379 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,680 Speaker 1: best trash because they got better trash uptown then they 380 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: had downtown, and all she had to give was trash. 381 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,240 Speaker 1: She went to get the best trash she can find. 382 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 1: But what the kids are gonna remember is my mama 383 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,719 Speaker 1: fed me out the trash can. That's what Tyler's gonna remember. 384 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 1: She's gonna remember that the thing that's burning in her 385 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,679 Speaker 1: soul and her spirit, she wants to be a makeup artist. 386 00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 1: You don't have any interest in, so you send her 387 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,919 Speaker 1: to Sephora alone. That your voice and your wisdom and 388 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 1: your insight, you better start liking makeup. And if you 389 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,359 Speaker 1: don't like it, fake it till you make it because 390 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:12,639 Speaker 1: it's important to her. Okay, it's important to her, and 391 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,840 Speaker 1: probably your mother never had a conversation with a fool 392 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 1: like me who would say, you don't have to like it. 393 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: If it's important to her, make yourself like it. 394 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 2: Exactly. You're right. It's going to change my life. Thank you. 395 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,320 Speaker 1: It's not so much about forgiving your mother as it 396 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 1: is about forgiving yourself, for judging your mother for the 397 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,399 Speaker 1: way she's been with you and how it's made you feel. 398 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 1: She's been out your life five years and you can 399 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:45,199 Speaker 1: still pull up. I feel alone if you got a 400 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,199 Speaker 1: husband and two kids and you feel unmaunted because your 401 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 1: heart's not clean. So here's your assignment. Clean up your 402 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,000 Speaker 1: heart and your mother will shift, and then you choose 403 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,000 Speaker 1: how to be in relationship with her. Choose how to 404 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,840 Speaker 1: be in relationship. Don't react to her behavior, you know, 405 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:08,320 Speaker 1: Let this be your healing intention that I want to 406 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 1: heal so that Tyler never has to feel about me 407 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:17,400 Speaker 1: the way I feel about my mother. Yeah, courageous, courageous, courageous, 408 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:22,040 Speaker 1: courageous woman. You are for calling because it is deep 409 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 1: level healing that you are doing here, and it's so common. 410 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,800 Speaker 1: So I want to thank you for all of the 411 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,399 Speaker 1: mothers out there whose daughters don't speak to them, and 412 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,320 Speaker 1: all of the daughters out there who don't speak to 413 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:36,920 Speaker 1: their mother, and all the mothers and daughters who are struggling, 414 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,919 Speaker 1: you know, through these kinds of issues because you know, 415 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: we don't know how to heal it, and so thank 416 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: you for your courage. I'm going to send you to prayer, 417 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,080 Speaker 1: and I'm going to wish you the best. Stay in touch, 418 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 1: send me an email every now and then and let 419 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:50,920 Speaker 1: me know how you're doing. 420 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 2: Okay, okay, thank you so much, Miscellian Hona, thank you. 421 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,399 Speaker 1: Thank you, my love, and thank you for calling me 422 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:04,159 Speaker 1: our spot. So before you cut your mother off, you 423 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:08,679 Speaker 1: owe it to yourself to do everything in your power 424 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:13,160 Speaker 1: to at least come to a place of peace, to 425 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,280 Speaker 1: at least be at peace in your mind and in 426 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:20,479 Speaker 1: your heart with who your mother is, just as she is. 427 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: Now here's the good news. You don't need the other person, 428 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:29,840 Speaker 1: your mother to heal, in order for you to heal 429 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,840 Speaker 1: the breakdown. Now here's a not so good news. You 430 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: don't need the other person to heal in order for 431 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,480 Speaker 1: you to heal your experience of the breakdown. Why is 432 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,400 Speaker 1: that because more often than not, when it's a family 433 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:50,359 Speaker 1: breakdown a lifetime relationship, we think the other person also 434 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:54,880 Speaker 1: has to heal. That is not true. You can do 435 00:24:54,920 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 1: the healing work. You can have a relationship because you 436 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:04,960 Speaker 1: get to choose a breakdown. In a family relationship when 437 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:13,280 Speaker 1: they're shared blood, the only escape route is forgiveness, and 438 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:18,479 Speaker 1: that's usually the last thing we want to do. We'll 439 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:28,920 Speaker 1: dive into how to do that after the break Welcome back. 440 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,399 Speaker 1: How do you clean up issues with your mother? I 441 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:38,680 Speaker 1: mean your mother who fed you, closed you, took care 442 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: of you to the best of her ability, and now 443 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: as an adult, you don't like her. You don't like 444 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: how she does, what she does, how she does it 445 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 1: with you or to you. My experiences, most people have 446 00:25:55,840 --> 00:26:00,359 Speaker 1: no clue how to address their mother as in adult 447 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,760 Speaker 1: because they were hurt by her when she was just mommy. 448 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,439 Speaker 1: So what they do is they cut her off, just 449 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:12,560 Speaker 1: cut her off. And of course, because she's the older adult, 450 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,280 Speaker 1: it's always her fault. Well, moms do the best they can. 451 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:24,840 Speaker 1: Mom's a human. Take a listen, Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome 452 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,119 Speaker 1: to the art spot when we talk about all things relationships, 453 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:32,560 Speaker 1: all kinds of relationships. So what is your relationship issue, challenge, 454 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: dilemma today. 455 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,639 Speaker 3: I have been having an issue with my immediate family, 456 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 3: my mom, my sister, my brother, and it's been going 457 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,920 Speaker 3: on for years, back and forth, and I'm just at 458 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,439 Speaker 3: a point of I don't know what else to do. 459 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,680 Speaker 3: I've kind of pulled away, and you know, I love 460 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,880 Speaker 3: my family, and I don't know. 461 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 2: What it is. 462 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,520 Speaker 1: Okay, Well how do you experience it? 463 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 2: I I don't like the black sheep. 464 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,679 Speaker 3: It's like it starts with my mom. You know, she 465 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,199 Speaker 3: would got up about me, or if she's upset with 466 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 3: my sister, she would say things to my brother about 467 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,639 Speaker 3: my sister. My sister and I have the same father 468 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 3: and my brother doesn't. But a lot of things started 469 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:16,399 Speaker 3: so when my mom was dating my brother's dad, and 470 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,679 Speaker 3: I've witnessed him hitting my mom and slapping her food 471 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 3: off the table, and you know, as going up, I 472 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,679 Speaker 3: seen that. So I just didn't like him, and I 473 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,600 Speaker 3: left and went to a friend and my mom came 474 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:31,120 Speaker 3: to get. 475 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,440 Speaker 2: Me with the police. And once I. 476 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 3: Got home, I was pushed in my room by my 477 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,399 Speaker 3: sister and my mom would proceeded to hit me in 478 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 3: my face and woke up the next morning with the 479 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,000 Speaker 3: closed eye and had to go to school like that, 480 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,960 Speaker 3: and that those punches to my face stuck with me 481 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 3: up until now, and it still hurts me. And over 482 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,399 Speaker 3: the years I've tried to, you know, get past it, 483 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:01,119 Speaker 3: and it's like that has shaped, you know, this whole 484 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,119 Speaker 3: thing with my mom. 485 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,160 Speaker 1: Okay, So you've got a couple of things going on here, 486 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:09,600 Speaker 1: So I want to just move in on something that 487 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 1: I think may may be the main issue. So I'm 488 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:19,560 Speaker 1: going to offer you this. Because I hear you saying 489 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,840 Speaker 1: you feel like the black sheep, I hear something a 490 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: little different. I hear a hurt and a betrayal because 491 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:33,320 Speaker 1: your mother, your mother chose a man over you. Does 492 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 1: that fit for you? Okay? So there it is not 493 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,440 Speaker 1: that you're the black sheep, but a hurt and a 494 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:47,040 Speaker 1: betrayal because your mother chose a man over you. You 495 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:51,240 Speaker 1: left home because you didn't want to witness participate. See 496 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,960 Speaker 1: know that she was allowing a man to treat her poorly. 497 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 1: And not only does she come and drag you back, 498 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:03,560 Speaker 1: humiliated you by slapping you in your face. I think 499 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,160 Speaker 1: of all the things parents can do to children, that's 500 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: the one thing that they need to outlaw. Slapping a 501 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:13,280 Speaker 1: person in their face is a form of humiliation. She 502 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:19,000 Speaker 1: humiliated you and took him back, and he just happens 503 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:24,640 Speaker 1: to be your brother's father, so you experienced it as 504 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,600 Speaker 1: her favoring your brother over you and your sister. Would 505 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:32,000 Speaker 1: that be accurate, y man? So see, that's a lot 506 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,120 Speaker 1: different than I'm the black sheep of the family, isn't it? 507 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,680 Speaker 1: And I can imagine how hard it is for that 508 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,080 Speaker 1: little girl in there and for you, as a grown 509 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 1: woman to sit with. My mom chose a man over me. 510 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,960 Speaker 1: And not only does she choose a man over me, 511 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 1: she chose a married man who abuses her over me. Well, 512 00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,600 Speaker 1: what the heck is wrong with me that she would 513 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:04,760 Speaker 1: make that choice? Is that how it lands in your belly? Okay? 514 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:09,240 Speaker 1: Humiliated you? Now you're humiliating yourself by saying I'm the 515 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:12,200 Speaker 1: black sheep. Ain't nothing wrong with black sheep. They give 516 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:16,280 Speaker 1: wool just like white sheet. So even being the black 517 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 1: sheep paine a bad thing. So I need to hear 518 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 1: you say it so that I can hear how much 519 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:22,520 Speaker 1: of it you're owning. 520 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:31,240 Speaker 3: That ball humiliated me when she chose a man over me. 521 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: Where do you feel that in your body. Yes, yeah, 522 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:40,840 Speaker 1: I just want you to be present with that for 523 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,880 Speaker 1: a little while and let that little girl cry about 524 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 1: it if she needs to, because I think you shut 525 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:51,280 Speaker 1: her down and rehumiliate her by not telling the truth 526 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:57,160 Speaker 1: about it. So, my beloved, for you, there's only one 527 00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:03,640 Speaker 1: escape hatch, only one. And this forgiveness, it's not you, 528 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:08,680 Speaker 1: the forty six year old woman, doing the forgiveness. It's 529 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,040 Speaker 1: finding the voice and the feeling and the energy of 530 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,720 Speaker 1: that little girl, like got slapped in the face. What 531 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,840 Speaker 1: does she need to forgive. It's her thoughts, it's her feelings, 532 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 1: it's her experience. You're not healing what's going on today, 533 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: this thing about you and your mom and your sister 534 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,040 Speaker 1: and your brother. But that's not what you're healing. You're 535 00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 1: healing her brokenness all the way back. 536 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:32,240 Speaker 2: Then. 537 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,120 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you, Yes, it does. And 538 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: you know, these family breakdowns when you're an adult almost 539 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,480 Speaker 1: always have their root in their core as something that 540 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:47,160 Speaker 1: happened when you were a child. So here we're talking 541 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:53,920 Speaker 1: about humiliation, we're talking about betrayal. We're talking about not protecting, 542 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:59,240 Speaker 1: not nurturing that little girl who is probably afraid when 543 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,560 Speaker 1: this man was not being nice to her mommy, so 544 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:10,120 Speaker 1: exposing you to danger, exposing you to emotional unsafety. She 545 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: needs to forgive her mom for all of those things, 546 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,880 Speaker 1: not you her. You're just bringing forth her energy and 547 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 1: it's showing up the way it is today. Does that 548 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:20,280 Speaker 1: make sense to you? 549 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:21,240 Speaker 2: So? 550 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,719 Speaker 1: Can I gift you a copy of my book on 551 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,120 Speaker 1: forgiveness so that you can do that work And it's 552 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: a forty day process. I want you to do that work, 553 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:32,360 Speaker 1: and then I want you to call me and tell 554 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,720 Speaker 1: me what you now realize, and also tell me if 555 00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,760 Speaker 1: anything has changed with you and your mom. 556 00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:41,880 Speaker 2: Oh, well, thank you, okay, my love you be well. 557 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:46,800 Speaker 1: I want to hear from you. You know, love ships 558 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:51,840 Speaker 1: or loving relationships, Intimate relationships among partners are not the 559 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:57,080 Speaker 1: only relationships that break down. Family relationships also break down, 560 00:32:57,080 --> 00:33:00,320 Speaker 1: whether it's the breakdown between the parent and the children, 561 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:04,160 Speaker 1: or between the siblings or in a blended family. But 562 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:11,720 Speaker 1: family relationships are very often difficult to heal because when 563 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,880 Speaker 1: they break down, our first instinct is to run. We 564 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:17,640 Speaker 1: want to run, We want to get away from it 565 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:21,280 Speaker 1: as far as possible, because we don't realize that family 566 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: relationships are lifetime relationships. Whenever they are just shared blood. 567 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,280 Speaker 1: Whenever the blood that runs to your veins is running 568 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:34,000 Speaker 1: through somebody else's veins, that is a lifetime relationship. So 569 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:38,960 Speaker 1: whether you're with the person, see the person, or engage 570 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: with the person, you still have to heal the breakdown. 571 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:47,000 Speaker 1: A'miyama and I thank you for tuning in. If you 572 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: have questions or insights about this or any other relationship 573 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,560 Speaker 1: topic and you would like us to explore it here 574 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,640 Speaker 1: on the R Spot, you can call me live at 575 00:33:56,880 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 1: seven seven five three zero seven seven seven eight now 576 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,760 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all 577 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:07,560 Speaker 1: of the calling times. In the meantime, stay in peace 578 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: and not pie six. 579 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:11,880 Speaker 2: Favorite. 580 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:19,120 Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 581 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:24,880 Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 582 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:29,239 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 583 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.