Speaker 1: Hey, that folks. It is Sunday, January twenty fifth, And
Speaker 1: a question for you, folks in a relationship that person
Speaker 1: that you're with right now, what did you find out
Speaker 1: about them after you got into a relationship that if
Speaker 1: you had found out on your first date, it might
Speaker 1: have been a deal breaker. And with that, welcome to
Speaker 1: this episode of Amy and TJ. I asked that question
Speaker 1: for a very specific reason because a rollbock has gone
Speaker 1: and she keeps finding new dating trends. Weird for a
Speaker 1: woman in a relationship to keep finding new dating trends.
Speaker 1: But I had not heard of this one.
Speaker 2: Yes, so it's cuffing season right Officially, I think this
Speaker 2: is the time where between the holidays leading up to
Speaker 2: Valentine's Day, everybody's looking to boo up. So yes, everyone
Speaker 2: wants to find the new dating trend, the new way
Speaker 2: to find somebody. So apparently here is the hottest new
Speaker 2: dating trend trend.
Speaker 3: It is called hot take dating.
Speaker 1: Okay, so they always have good names, right, Okay? In summary?
Speaker 1: What in short? What does this mean?
Speaker 2: So it goes against what we're typically told to do
Speaker 2: when we first start dating someone. Avoid touchy topics, you know,
Speaker 2: don't talk about politics or religion, just on a first date.
Speaker 3: Just keep it simple, keep it light.
Speaker 2: This tactic is to go in from the beginning like
Speaker 2: no nonsense.
Speaker 3: We need to see if our values align. Period.
Speaker 1: Okay, first, you say, is what we're told to do?
Speaker 1: Where is that? Where does that come from? Are where
Speaker 1: do we get trained? You send your representative to the
Speaker 1: first date. That's not really who you are, right, you
Speaker 1: play this game? You said, why is that what we're
Speaker 1: told to do? Is that women men bowl?
Speaker 2: You know, I can only speak for women obviously, and
Speaker 2: maybe it's not that anyone has directly said here's what
Speaker 2: you have to do.
Speaker 3: But you watch enough movie, you watch enough.
Speaker 2: I think really it's like consuming media and seeing how
Speaker 2: people meet and reading books about Yes, as a woman,
Speaker 2: you put your best foot forward. You make sure your
Speaker 2: hair is just so, and your makeup's just right, and
Speaker 2: you're wearing the right outfit, and you say the right
Speaker 2: things and you make him like you.
Speaker 1: You don't want to do anything initially to turn somebody off.
Speaker 1: There we go, Okay, that makes sense to me. Now,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to get there. So this is saying,
Speaker 1: get it out of the way and go.
Speaker 2: There upfront, don't waste anyone's time, Okay, Because yes, when
Speaker 2: you avoid touchy topics and you just talk about how
Speaker 2: the weather was and what your meal is like and
Speaker 2: everything is so wonderful and great, it's hard to actually
Speaker 2: know if you're going to like that person. And when
Speaker 2: you accept somebody and actually end up in a relationship
Speaker 2: with somebody, and I guess this is the point you're
Speaker 2: dating to find a relationship.
Speaker 3: The whole point is.
Speaker 2: You actually need to know who someone is, the good,
Speaker 2: the bad, the ugly, the things you disagree with, and say,
Speaker 2: is that something I can accept? Because we're all gonna
Speaker 2: have things we don't like about the other. We're all
Speaker 2: gonna have things we disagree with with our partner. It's
Speaker 2: what is the level to which I have to accept? Like,
Speaker 2: you should get it out of the way.
Speaker 1: Is this a new thing or is just making some
Speaker 1: kind of resurgence.
Speaker 2: No, so they're saying that this is kind of new.
Speaker 2: And the reason why they're saying it's a trend now
Speaker 2: and why this is happening now two things, politics and
Speaker 2: social media. So politics are so divisive right now, and
Speaker 2: we can get into the numbers, but it's pretty interesting
Speaker 2: tender you can think by the way, for some of
Speaker 2: this research, because they do have a lot to work
Speaker 2: off of with their research, but they say right now,
Speaker 2: forty one percent of the people they surveyed are unwilling
Speaker 2: to date someone with opposing political views. That narrows the
Speaker 2: dating field significantly, was a forty one percent, and more
Speaker 2: women than men say they would not be in a
Speaker 2: relationship with somebody who thinks the opposite that they do
Speaker 2: when it comes to politics. Okay, that's where we are,
Speaker 2: and so you kind of have to get that out
Speaker 2: of the way.
Speaker 1: That's sad. That was really sad to hear. I want
Speaker 1: to you know, I wonder if the number has always
Speaker 1: been that high. Can people really not live together in
Speaker 1: the same household now when it comes to kids or
Speaker 1: way you want to raise them, and religion, and I
Speaker 1: guess some of those things factor in, but it just
Speaker 1: seems like the priority is I don't know, how do
Speaker 1: you Okay, I'll take I'll hold off on until the.
Speaker 2: Thing is It is a sad statement to make, but
Speaker 2: these days we are seeing family members saying they can't
Speaker 2: they won't talk to other family members.
Speaker 3: I've seen people.
Speaker 2: We just did something for Yahoo about friendship breakups a
Speaker 2: lot of people that resonated with them. They talked about
Speaker 2: how because of politics they have had friendships, like years
Speaker 2: long friendships broken because of politics. So yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 2: think now. I don't think it always used to be
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 3: No, I think that.
Speaker 2: You could have voted for Gore and I voted for
Speaker 2: Bush and we would have been okay with that. It
Speaker 2: wasn't that big of a difference.
Speaker 1: So you're telling me Trump has changed relationships, He has
Speaker 1: changed friendships, She has changed the way we date. Is
Speaker 1: that what you're telling me.
Speaker 2: I actually didn't realize I was telling you that, But
Speaker 2: I do believe that. Yes, in fact, I am telling
Speaker 2: you that, or at least tender and other folks who
Speaker 2: who try to make sense of these numbers are suggesting
Speaker 2: that for sure, forty and I don't know what it
Speaker 2: was before, but that seems exceptionally high. Forty one percent
Speaker 2: of people say they are unwilling to date someone with
Speaker 2: opposing political views. Could you date somebody who had a
Speaker 2: very different political view?
Speaker 1: Yeah? The only thing if she smokes, that's my only
Speaker 1: non starter. For the most part, it doesn't if you're
Speaker 1: so in like you're that intolerant of someone. I can't
Speaker 1: let someone into my heart because you believe like you
Speaker 1: aren't your religious beliefs. I have a difficult time with that.
Speaker 1: And people we're so where that it's that important, like
Speaker 1: we can't be compatible, we cannot live together, we cannot coexist,
Speaker 1: and I just I'm not used to hearing that.
Speaker 2: Bro.
Speaker 1: It sounds like an absolute intolerance for a whole group
Speaker 1: of people, which is half right of the country.
Speaker 3: Right, I will.
Speaker 2: You know, it's one of those things where if you
Speaker 2: do listen to relationship experts, they will tell you it
Speaker 2: is easier to be in a successful relationship with someone
Speaker 2: who thinks what you do, who believes what you do.
Speaker 2: So maybe there's something to that too that maybe you
Speaker 2: could be in a relationship it would just be harder
Speaker 2: and they're not up for it.
Speaker 3: That could be what it is.
Speaker 2: The other Yeah, and the social media element of this,
Speaker 2: according to what's behind this trend is that people have
Speaker 2: a hot take on everything. It's just especially the younger
Speaker 2: generations gen Z, the dating ages, like twenties thirties, they
Speaker 2: have come up with this platform where yeah, they will
Speaker 2: say whatever they think, and when they give their hot
Speaker 2: take on social media, they get attention. They get followers.
Speaker 2: So it's an attitude that this that these generations needs more.
Speaker 2: Who tend to be dating right now have where it's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I have an opinion and it matters, and here's why
Speaker 2: they feel emboldened to do that. So it matters, I guess,
Speaker 2: and they don't feel as uncomfortable walking in on a
Speaker 2: first date as you and I would, just saying, so,
Speaker 2: where do you stand on trans athletes? You know, if
Speaker 2: that's important to you, this trend says you start talking
Speaker 2: about it on date one.
Speaker 1: To each his and ti his or her own. I
Speaker 1: don't mind those things. I hate when they become qualifiers.
Speaker 1: I hate when it becomes if you don't answer these questions,
Speaker 1: I literally have a I mean, just send me a questionnaire.
Speaker 1: Then it seems that way like we're reducing human beings
Speaker 1: to what their political beliefs are and there's nothing more
Speaker 1: to them. And it says like you're making a determination.
Speaker 1: If you are this, then this means you're a bad person.
Speaker 1: That's why it seems like it gets interpreted like you
Speaker 1: can't there's an extra element of evil that I'm assigning
Speaker 1: to you. It seems like we're absoluteist too much in
Speaker 1: this country.
Speaker 2: It's true, and it feels like we go back into
Speaker 2: that tribal mentality what you're describing right there, you know.
Speaker 2: And look, it's funny because I was just listening to
Speaker 2: a relationship expert. I love listening to audiobooks and podcasts,
Speaker 2: and that's where I was drawing that last bit of
Speaker 2: expert information saying that it is easier to have a
Speaker 2: successful relationship if you are alike. But then what the
Speaker 2: sad thing about that is it discourages people from getting
Speaker 2: to know other people. You know, if we wouldn't be
Speaker 2: together with that because you're black and I'm white, so
Speaker 2: we've had very different experiences going through life. Even if
Speaker 2: we've had similar upbringings and similar parenting and came from
Speaker 2: the similar part of the country, we still had very
Speaker 2: different experiences.
Speaker 3: Should we not be together because it's too hard?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: The sad thing about that is if you're looking for
Speaker 2: easy or looking for.
Speaker 3: The simplest way forward, or.
Speaker 2: That maybe the safest, most peaceful way forward, you miss
Speaker 2: out on a lot of opportunity to grow and learn.
Speaker 1: We're so seting on ways for whatever reason. That's I
Speaker 1: don't know. I didn't know about that number. The forty
Speaker 1: one percent number like I am you are disquali. Forty
Speaker 1: one percent of people are saying half of the dating
Speaker 1: population they are eliminating because they might have different political views.
Speaker 1: That's a yeah, And I guess there's an argument. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to see some side of it, like I cannot
Speaker 1: live with I refuse too, and that I just think
Speaker 1: as such an indictment of an entire group of people
Speaker 1: just to say because you're a Republican or you're a Democrat,
Speaker 1: that a tough man. I hate that right.
Speaker 2: And you know, and I think that they feel insulated,
Speaker 2: or I say they, but people who are taking on
Speaker 2: this hot take dating and saying, hey, this works for us,
Speaker 2: This is something that feels like the right way to
Speaker 2: find that perfect partner. Right to go ahead and just
Speaker 2: be out say your most controversial feelings right away, get it.
Speaker 2: And if you I don't like where you are from
Speaker 2: a controversial standpoint, then I'm just going to move on.
Speaker 3: And they say, how many people are online dating?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: They find the person they're going to go on this
Speaker 2: first date with a lot of times through these apps.
Speaker 3: And if you're if you're meeting.
Speaker 2: Somebody on an app and you're going to say, we're
Speaker 2: going to do this hot take dating trend. There really
Speaker 2: is no consequence for walking away from a first day
Speaker 2: going no thanks, because think about how we typically would
Speaker 2: have been set up someone in the workplace, maybe a
Speaker 2: friend of yours set you up.
Speaker 3: You'd feel like you wouldn't want to piss off that person.
Speaker 2: You wouldn't want to walk away and like leave the
Speaker 2: leave the restaurant on fire. You know you there were
Speaker 2: consequences for behaving badly, or for being rude, or for
Speaker 2: push too hard or to getting into some Yeah thanks,
Speaker 2: but no thanks. So when you're dating off of an app,
Speaker 2: you can kind of say whatever you want because you
Speaker 2: have no pressure to behave from a community that would
Speaker 2: have maybe set you up, or you would have been
Speaker 2: in to meet that person.
Speaker 1: I still don't I don't know. I'm still trying to
Speaker 1: piece together what other things should people not If you're
Speaker 1: a part in what religious beliefs, political beliefs, should those
Speaker 1: people just not even try and bother dating?
Speaker 3: Really it's harder. I think that's harder. It's harder.
Speaker 1: So where do you leave room for getting to know
Speaker 1: someone for who they are and then find out about
Speaker 1: these other things that make up who they are, and
Speaker 1: then we go, Okay, maybe it's too hard or you
Speaker 1: don't know, actually if it's worth fighting for if you're
Speaker 1: just qualifying somebody at the very beginning, right, there's plenty
Speaker 1: of stuff we have we found out later and it
Speaker 1: was worth fighting through. We'd have found that stuff out
Speaker 1: on date one. No, that's going to be hard. I'm out,
Speaker 1: But that doesn't make sense to do it in that order.
Speaker 1: How do you know if it's worth fighting for? How
Speaker 1: do you know if it's worth whatever struggle it's going
Speaker 1: to be. How do you know that that's not going
Speaker 1: to offer something to your life? How are you going
Speaker 1: to expand you just need somebody to stay with you
Speaker 1: in your same MSNBC or Fox News, Lane Brett bears
Speaker 1: kind of cool racial madda, how's good nights? Like you can.
Speaker 3: Learn right, it's okay, we'd like to watch both.
Speaker 1: It's okay, geez, I know ms now, sorry.
Speaker 3: MS now, I can't get that right either.
Speaker 2: All right, when we come back, we're going to talk
Speaker 2: about some of the dangers and we've kind of discussed
Speaker 2: right now of doing this hot take dating.
Speaker 3: But what some very wise.
Speaker 2: Advice was offered by the experts, some matchmakers for anyone
Speaker 2: who is considered employing this dating trend. And welcome back everyone,
Speaker 2: as we talk on this snowy Sunday about a new
Speaker 2: hot dating trend if you are looking for love wanting
Speaker 2: to find that relationship as we march our way through
Speaker 2: this snow to Valentine's Day, they're just going Hot's a
Speaker 2: hot new dating trend called hot take dating. Yes, and
Speaker 2: so some of the experts, and this was a matchmaker
Speaker 2: actually who had some advice, and she said that she
Speaker 2: does have clients who are into this dating trend because
Speaker 2: they just want to weed out the people that they
Speaker 2: don't want to waste their time on quickly.
Speaker 3: But she said, remember this, it's a date, not a debate.
Speaker 2: So don't go into a first date thinking, Eh, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna share a hot take and then I'm ready to
Speaker 2: totally and completely fight for what I think is right.
Speaker 2: She said, do so with the intention of trying to
Speaker 2: figure out if you're compatible. Compatible that's funny, that was
Speaker 2: a Freudian slip.
Speaker 3: If you're compatible than trying to change the other person's mind.
Speaker 2: If you go in there thinking I'm going to show
Speaker 2: him how right I am or whatever.
Speaker 3: That's not the point of this. It's a date, not
Speaker 3: a debate.
Speaker 1: I like that.
Speaker 3: But also, don't be combative.
Speaker 2: Or try to say compatible when you say compatible, all right.
Speaker 2: The other thing is, and this is so true when
Speaker 2: you go in and if you're having a disagreement and
Speaker 2: you find that you're on different sides of the aisle.
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to be preached to and nobody wants to
Speaker 2: be told that they're wrong. So don't try to convince
Speaker 2: someone or prove someone wrong. And I do think sometimes
Speaker 2: that can that conspiral, especially when you don't know somebody.
Speaker 2: This is a first day, you haven't met, you haven't
Speaker 2: you don't have that foundation.
Speaker 1: What's a hot take? I'm trying to think now of
Speaker 1: what are the things if you and I had sat
Speaker 1: down at a first date, What would be the thing
Speaker 1: that you could possibly ask that you would need to
Speaker 1: know or I would need to know about you? That
Speaker 1: would be those kind of qualifying things. All I have
Speaker 1: is do you smoke? That's really all I got. If
Speaker 1: you're religious, I don't go to church every Sunday, I'm
Speaker 1: willing to be open to that. I'll listen. That's kind
Speaker 1: of all I got. You hike, you climb mountains. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't ask that on a first date. That's not doesn't
Speaker 1: disqualify on it, right, I don't. I don't have a
Speaker 1: hot take.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to think if there's something that, yes, smoking
Speaker 2: would be an absolute disqualifier for me. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 2: I maybe you start, especially if you're younger, starting to
Speaker 2: go in and say do you want kids?
Speaker 3: How many kids do you want?
Speaker 2: I mean that that can be off putting for folks.
Speaker 2: But if you want to know right away, are you
Speaker 2: somebody who wants kids in your life?
Speaker 3: That's an important thing to know right away.
Speaker 1: That should be a first day question. That's different from
Speaker 1: a hot take that's we might not need to even
Speaker 1: get dessert, because if I want you don't, then we're
Speaker 1: two people aren't compatible. That's different.
Speaker 2: But you're talking about like a view on something. It's
Speaker 2: just a hot take that I can't. I'm not going
Speaker 2: to ask you about trans if you are what look
Speaker 2: I see I have room maybe because what we do
Speaker 2: for a living afforded this. I have always been in
Speaker 2: a room with people who have different viewpoints and have
Speaker 2: been cognizant to know that that's part of the beauty
Speaker 2: is looking at things through different lenses and having people
Speaker 2: I love my whole life think very differently than people
Speaker 2: who I like and I work with, and knowing that
Speaker 2: those can both exist and respect can still can still
Speaker 2: live in that environment. Yeah, I'm trying to think, would
Speaker 2: there be a non starter for me?
Speaker 1: Well, what would you tell me? They say, let me
Speaker 1: get this out of the way. I'm blank, I'm blank,
Speaker 1: I'm blank. I think this. I think this, And I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about anything having to do with your surrounding
Speaker 1: or hey, I got a nineteen year oly boulder. That's
Speaker 1: not no. No, I'm talking about like a belief of some
Speaker 1: kind that I just want you to know ahead of time.
Speaker 1: I blog blank, I voted for Boom. Identity that you
Speaker 1: think is important, I don't even have that.
Speaker 3: I don't think I do either.
Speaker 2: That would be like something I would think would make
Speaker 2: or break whether or not I could accept you because
Speaker 2: of how I believe because I'm with you, I'm on religion.
Speaker 2: I don't feel strongly about whether you have to be
Speaker 2: or shouldn't be or couldn't be in politics, I think
Speaker 2: I guess the only thing I would ask I would
Speaker 2: want to gauge is if that person would impose like
Speaker 2: that very thing. If you needed me to think what
Speaker 2: you think or believe what you believe, that would be
Speaker 2: a non starter. As long as you were accepting of
Speaker 2: my difference in opinion, that would be the biggest deal.
Speaker 2: Because also if you need someone to think like you
Speaker 2: and agree with you on certain topics, what happens.
Speaker 3: When you fight?
Speaker 2: What does it if you can't absolutely come to a
Speaker 2: full agreement? Is it a is it a done deal?
Speaker 2: Can you not accept just hey, we're going to agree
Speaker 2: to disagree. That kind of shows that mentality that you
Speaker 2: don't want to agree to disagree.
Speaker 1: I was trying to follow that, but it was so combatible.
Speaker 1: It seems like everything you were saying, well, I just
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what to give. If
Speaker 1: somebody heads up on I would ask somebody else if
Speaker 1: you know, if I ever had a first day with
Speaker 1: somebody else, I would ask if they like yacht rock.
Speaker 1: That might be a non starter for me. Now, really, yeah,
Speaker 1: you kind of ruined it. Really yeah, yeat rock. Often
Speaker 1: there's a reason thank you I should.
Speaker 2: Say in my in my air pods, I do. I
Speaker 2: will try not to play it around the else.
Speaker 1: I would give a first date somebody now my heads
Speaker 1: up about March madness and die hard during the holidays.
Speaker 3: That would be good.
Speaker 2: March madness is a big one, yes, like insane. Yes,
Speaker 2: that's big. And also you should probably let them know
Speaker 2: that you like to sleep with the TV on.
Speaker 1: That's a big thing.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 1: And I wake up very early.
Speaker 3: And you wake up very very.
Speaker 2: Early earlier, and you don't like to in anything other
Speaker 2: than a NonStop flight perfectly less than four hours.
Speaker 1: This isn't difficult.
Speaker 3: Take those things and the other.
Speaker 2: There was another number that I was curious what you
Speaker 2: thought about, and I think this is reasonable. Thirty seven
Speaker 2: percent of singles say shared values are essential. And I
Speaker 2: think that is I think that numbers should actually be
Speaker 2: higher in terms of what you value family, work, life, balance,
Speaker 2: all of that.
Speaker 3: To me, that number should be seventy seven percent.
Speaker 1: You know, but some values have more value. Quite frankly, right,
Speaker 1: we are we aligned on work, but not aligned on
Speaker 1: kids and family or.
Speaker 3: Money different things.
Speaker 1: Yes, you can get by if somebody's really going after
Speaker 1: money and somebody doesn't care, you can meet in the
Speaker 1: middle on that one. If somebody is really into family
Speaker 1: and you're I don't know, been disconnected from your for
Speaker 1: ten years. I don't know. They're just different. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just people are people, and I hate to because
Speaker 1: it has a lot to do frankly, as a black man,
Speaker 1: thinking about walking into a room and immediately a judgment
Speaker 1: is made on you based on just for the fact
Speaker 1: that your skin is a certain color. So now let
Speaker 1: me check I can fill in the rest of the boxes.
Speaker 1: Just looking at that, I hate. You're a Republican, let
Speaker 1: me fill in the rest of the boxes. You're a democrat,
Speaker 1: let me feel in the rest. I hate any time
Speaker 1: we judge and don't get to know a person for
Speaker 1: who they are, and just yeah, I hate that.
Speaker 3: So screw this hot take.
Speaker 2: Just you know, give people a shot and walk in
Speaker 2: with a blank slate. I do like a blank slate theory.
Speaker 2: And you walk in and you say, let me just
Speaker 2: see what happens, no preconceived notions, no agenda, just sitting
Speaker 2: down and having a good time.
Speaker 3: And see what happens. How about that?
Speaker 2: That'd be all these algorithms and ways to say, this
Speaker 2: is how you find the perfect me At the end
Speaker 2: of the day, isn't it about how willing you are?
Speaker 3: To compromise.
Speaker 1: I feel like no, We're told now you don't have to, right.
Speaker 2: You just find the person who thinks exactly like you do,
Speaker 2: who likes to operate exactly like you like to operate,
Speaker 2: and who thinks everything the same thing you do. You
Speaker 2: have a perfect person. It's called yourself.
Speaker 1: Yes, harmony, folks, we appreciate you as always wherever you are.
Speaker 1: You probably hopefully booed up cuffing season as you speak.
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people right now. We're olks
Speaker 1: and dealing with it with this weather beautiful from a
Speaker 1: distance and in safety and warmth, but a lot of
Speaker 1: people are dealing with some hell out there, so please
Speaker 1: be safe wherever you may be. We always appreciate you
Speaker 1: spending some time with us. I'm TJ. Holmes On behalf
Speaker 1: of my dear Amy Robot. We will talk to you
Speaker 1: also