WEBVTT - Get the Money and Run | Fatal Peril 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:03.520 Hello, It's Steve Fishman from Orbit Media and this is 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:06.800 Get the Money and Run. Today is our final episode, 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:12.399 and well, a lot of finales disappoint I assure you 0:00:12.680 --> 0:00:15.040 this one does not over to Ben. 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:27.280 You are listening to The Burden season four Get the 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:31.200 Money and Run. I'm Benadere and this is episode seven 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:32.720 Batel Peril. 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:39.760 Yeah, we talked about how when you're robbing banks and 0:00:40.479 --> 0:00:45.160 at the height of your prison Joe Persona basically cut 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:49.800 your conscience off, like totally shut down your sense of morality. 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:54.520 Did your conscience then come back when you're in solitary. 0:00:54.880 --> 0:00:57.760 Yeah, my conscience just came back with a fury. He 0:00:57.840 --> 0:00:59.680 woke up like, oh, okay, we'll show you on It 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:02.639 doesn't come back and say, oh we'll protect you. We're 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:04.160 gonna only give you a little bit of your shit 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:06.840 at one time. It dumps it all on you. And 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:10.800 I had stopped kind of growing and being aware, like 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:14.959 trying to have any self awareness, probably around age eleven, 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:19.039 and now I'd done all these terrible adult things and 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:22.039 I had to deal with it with a very fragile conscience, 0:01:22.880 --> 0:01:28.360 very fragile awareness, and so instantly almost incant. He was like, 0:01:28.440 --> 0:01:32.440 I can never get back this. I'm disqualified, and now 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:34.000 I don't want to go be back be a bad 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:38.240 guy anymore because that sucks. But now I don't want 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:40.400 to go and be a good guy because that's impossible. 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:42.039 So you know what I probably should do. It is 0:01:42.200 --> 0:01:45.200 probably just like save everyone time, just kill myself. Like 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:51.800 that's exactly the logic. I think. 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:53.680 Disqualified is a really interesting word. 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:56.040 Yeah, I felt like I just didn't have I didn't 0:01:56.080 --> 0:01:59.120 have any right to want to go play in that 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:02.360 arena a good peace. I knew good people, I'd heard 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.960 a lot of good people. So the conscience was not 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:09.519 kind to me because it did not It didn't say, oh, 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:11.640 we love You're gonna take care of you. No, man, 0:02:12.080 --> 0:02:19.240 I was I was suffocating under the the ultifying weight 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:23.440 of remorse and grief and shame. What comes up is 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:27.000 sometimes down deep in me as that where I remember 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:31.680 something and just a shame and the grief remorse of 0:02:31.760 --> 0:02:36.280 who I was just comes up, and yeah, man, that's 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:37.760 that's what it was. 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:58.080 Then Part one, go for Broken. 0:03:09.840 --> 0:03:10.080 Joe. 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:13.040 What was scary about that? What was scary about changing? 0:03:13.680 --> 0:03:17.360 Well, what I realized was as I started thinking about changing, 0:03:17.520 --> 0:03:22.280 I realized that, oh, Fuck, that's hard. I'm fearless about 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:24.200 taking people in a revolt. I'll go down to heartbeat. 0:03:24.240 --> 0:03:26.080 I'm fearless about walking in a cell with a knife. 0:03:26.120 --> 0:03:29.799 I'm fearless all day long about that. I don't want 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:34.560 to go inside myself and demand that I change. So 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:38.440 I decided to change my idea strong and weak and say, Okay, 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:40.480 i've been thinking I'm strong, I'm actually weak. I want 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.040 to get strong. How do I get real strong? I'm 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:45.520 gonna go know myself. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go 0:03:45.520 --> 0:04:00.280 figure this out. Well, I started writing, and then I 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:03.560 just got a sheet of paper and I said, Mom, 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:05.560 what are the stories I've been telling people all my 0:04:05.640 --> 0:04:11.280 life that means something to me? They communicate something about me. 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:13.880 Oh I'm brave because of this. Oh you know what, 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:17.919 I'm fearless because of this. We all have stories that 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:20.040 we're carrying this little box with us, and they are 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:29.200 identity stories. They are the stories we used to tell people. 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:31.240 This is who we are, because these are stories we 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:34.799 tell ourselves of who we are. And so I thought, 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:38.000 what are the stories that I tell and have been 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:40.240 telling since I was a child about who I am 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:47.880 that represent me? Stabbing my dad at my mother's funeral, 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:50.360 like all the stories, like what are the stories who 0:04:50.360 --> 0:04:52.719 make up my sense of identity? And then I would 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:54.240 wake up and say, Okay, which one do I want 0:04:54.279 --> 0:04:59.719 to write? That's when I started came out with the 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:02.280 concert of owning your story. Because you can't know who 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:04.839 you are if you don't know the origins of things. 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:06.839 You have to like realize what parts of your story 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:11.400 are wrong, false, don't fit. And that was super helpful. 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:19.680 Now I'm thinking, I gotta be on the line and 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.279 I don't want guys fucking with me. I gotta like 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:24.240 investigate on the page how to become a nice guy, 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:29.200 a good person soft. And the irony is that in 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:31.680 order to give myself the space and nobody would fuck 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:33.440 with me so I could be in my cell to 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:36.080 like do all the soft investigation of myself, because I 0:05:36.120 --> 0:05:39.520 had to dial up my persona on the tier like 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:42.040 don't fuck with me, man, don't you know who I am? 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:45.440 I had to continue to perform hyper maleness to get 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.960 to learn all this time to read and write letters 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:52.320 to people and try to change my life. 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:02.640 How difficult was that to have sort of the the 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:06.359 two different personas one one where you're acting tough and 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:08.360 then the one where you're trying to, I guess, go 0:06:08.960 --> 0:06:09.720 soft in a way. 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:17.440 It was very tough because remember guys, guys who walk 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:20.760 around like they're ready to stab you. It only works 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:23.120 if everyone thinks they're gonna that you will stab them. 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.000 And I had to do that several times. I'm like 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:30.600 trying to trying to tell myself that that's our ego, 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:33.880 that's our ego, Like you can't, you can't take that 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:38.640 stuff personally. So I actually have these like real things 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:41.119 that are happening, and then I get to try and 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:44.360 like say, okay, so I agree with this new teaching 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:46.760 that I'm that I'm learning and stuff. It makes sense 0:06:46.800 --> 0:06:49.120 to me. I like it. I like I like it. 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:52.000 Theoretically it makes sense. I'd already been changing my life 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:53.520 a little bit with it, so I want to keep 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:56.320 leaning into it. But I would plenty times have an 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:58.560 opportunity or something would get kicked up in me, and 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:00.960 then I would get to like constructed, like I was 0:07:01.000 --> 0:07:04.960 able to start realizing under all these acts of rage 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:08.560 or all these acts of indignancy in me, basically what 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:10.920 they were is it was when the rager come up 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:14.280 it was disguising the fact that I felt wounded. That 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:18.960 was the big, big, fucking lesson. And this kept coming 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:23.240 up over and over and over again, and being able 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:27.160 to develop that distance from the moment is like, Okay, 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:29.040 I'm gonna be able to get out of here, I'm 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:30.760 going to be able to stop putting holds them in. 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:34.840 Did you start thinking about other people in your life 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.360 who had traumatized you. I mean, I'm thinking mostly of 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:38.080 your dad. 0:07:38.920 --> 0:07:44.320 Yeah. So, you know, when I started investigating my wounds, 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:46.280 it was like they all these old child wounds would 0:07:46.320 --> 0:07:50.000 come out right, like I feel I see it's I'm 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:53.160 I'm remembering this episode from my childhood. That's where it 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:55.880 all went back to. And then I was like, oh shit, 0:07:56.080 --> 0:08:03.760 my dad he had a really shitty childhood, just like me. 0:08:05.400 --> 0:08:09.440 Then I started looking at that and I knew my 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:14.240 dad's past and when he was young, my grandfather used 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:16.400 to put him in a chicken coop. My grandfather really 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:19.400 was mad at mins treated my dad like he was 0:08:19.440 --> 0:08:21.920 the worst kid. He had some deep animosity in my dad. 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:25.800 I think my grandfather may have thought that my dad 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:37.360 wasn't his even so, my dad got treated very badly, humiliated, humiliated, humiliated, 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:41.640 over and over, which is why he wanted to get 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:43.440 out of the house at sixteen to marry my mother. 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:46.520 That's when I was born. He just wanted to get 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:50.559 the hell out. So I knew he had been treated 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:56.640 terribly brutally, and then he grew up and he did 0:08:56.640 --> 0:09:02.920 the same thing. In all my life, I had thought 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:05.320 my dad was a monster. People would even tell me, man, 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:07.960 let's do a monster. And I liked thinking of him 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:11.400 as a monster because then I could think about the 0:09:11.440 --> 0:09:13.360 bad things I wanted to do to him. Because I 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:18.680 made him into this object. He's a monster. He's not 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:21.360 a person. He's like the other He's not us, he's 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:27.640 not like me. But when I examined my life and 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:29.600 I started seeing all the bad things that I had done, 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:31.440 and I understood where it came from, and I was 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:33.280 able to look at my father and say, oh, he's 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:36.280 doing these because of his wounds, his early humiliations, his 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:40.120 early trauma. He's no different than me than this monster. 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:43.600 Who I now understood was this little boy who had 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:49.640 been brutalized and humiliated and traumatized and behave badly. He 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:53.080 wasn't a monster. Yes, he did monsters things but he 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:55.800 was no longer a monster me. He was a kid 0:09:56.400 --> 0:09:58.880 who didn't ask for any of the shit that happened 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:11.160 to him. And then it was like, oh fuck, I 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:12.840 was a kid. I didn't ask for any of it. 0:10:14.320 --> 0:10:17.600 I didn't ask for the beatings. I didn't ask to 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.520 witness the trauma that he inflicted on my brother. I 0:10:20.559 --> 0:10:22.640 didn't ask for the trauma of that. I didn't ask 0:10:22.640 --> 0:10:26.079 for the death of my mother. I didn't ask for 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:31.320 any of the none of it. None of it. And 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:36.440 it happened, and he shaped me, and I grew up 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:38.640 and I did monsters things, but I wasn't a monster. 0:10:42.600 --> 0:10:46.760 Being able to have an understanding of my father to 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:49.440 give him compassion. That gave me that phrase, Oh well, 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.959 then he's not a monster. He did monstrous thing, He's 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.839 not a monster came back to me and I could 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:59.480 appropriate for myself and say, oh, yeah, I'm not I 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:04.520 did monster, but I'm not a monster either. It gave 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:09.480 me like this tag, this tagline that I could remind 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:13.760 myself when I would start feeling super shameful, that which 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:16.560 was you know, really really heavy on those early days 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:18.680 because I just felt like, fuck it, I'm gonna always 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:21.960 fuck up I'm just I'm a terrible, evil person. I 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:23.880 might as well just kill myself because I'm gonna fail 0:11:23.920 --> 0:11:31.520 at this thing to try and get better too. So 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:37.079 I needed help and that line I did monsters things 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:38.760 when I'm not a monster. Just like I gave it 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:40.320 to my dad, I was able to use it for 0:11:40.360 --> 0:11:45.720 myself and that thing that gave me some rich propulsion 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:54.200 in the in a direction away from from shame, just 0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:58.280 compassion for myself, you know. But I first extended it 0:11:58.320 --> 0:11:59.960 to my dad, and then it came back to me. 0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:07.280 We'll be right back. 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:13.960 Part two. 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:19.679 First day out, Jo, Do you remember your last day 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:20.200 in prison? 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:30.480 I woke up and showered, changed, shaved shit. I did 0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:32.520 not shine my shoes because I only was going to 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:36.560 walk out with shower shoes because I gave my shoes 0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:39.719 to somebody else. And then I just waited when I 0:12:39.920 --> 0:12:43.080 went to breakfast and then went to my cell, and 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:46.120 I waited to be called. And sure enough, at a 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:50.760 certain point, pretty early, it's like loyal, roll it up, 0:12:51.480 --> 0:12:57.800 roll it up. And so I go and they escort 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:01.559 me to the administration building, and now they start processing 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:04.920 me out. Sign this sign, that sign, this fingerprint, that 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:08.000 photo of this here's your clothes. Change into these because 0:13:08.000 --> 0:13:10.120 your My family had sent me closed ahead of time. 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:12.440 And then they brought me to the gate. When they 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:15.440 brought me to the gate, and they asshole guards like 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:19.200 all right, see you soon, like I'm coming back, and 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:20.880 I was given a one hundred and fifty dollars check. 0:13:22.559 --> 0:13:24.400 So first thing I do when I walk out of 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:28.200 the prison that I'd spent seventy years for for robbing banks, 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:29.840 the first thing I do is I go to a bank. 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:35.640 And when I go to a bank, this time, I'm 0:13:35.679 --> 0:13:40.120 going to make an entirely different experience. And I'm like, 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:43.199 I'm this is momentous, man, this is I'm different man 0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:45.640 than I went in. And I have a different relationship 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:49.400 to banking. So I walk up and I put both 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.440 my hands on the doors, and I open the doors 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:59.520 and walk in and I kind of walk. I need 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:01.640 to sign the so I go to the counter. I 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:06.080 put both my hands out on the counter and then 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:07.560 I look up and I go wait in line, and 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:11.880 I look at every camera in there, dumbly just like 0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:17.520 what what what? Just looking at all of them, just 0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:19.480 getting my face. I wanted to be known, I wanted 0:14:19.480 --> 0:14:25.920 to be seen. And then I got my cash and 0:14:25.960 --> 0:14:34.320 I walked out, and then I had this experience as 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:37.160 my first brush with grief, because you know, I'm out there, 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:39.800 I'm doing good. I'm happy, I mean as happy as 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:42.360 you can be. I'm carrying grief with me. Obviously, I'm 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:45.080 so sorrow and and all sorts of fear and all 0:14:45.120 --> 0:14:47.200 sorts of things, but I'm really generally like, oh man, 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:50.360 it feels good to be out. So at one point 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:52.560 I go to buy something and there's this guy in there, 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:56.360 this young guy, pimply big Ol'adam's apple. I think you're 0:14:56.400 --> 0:15:00.160 probably be a college kid, but sweetheart, and then I 0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:03.840 come up with my little you know, bullshit postcards and 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:08.480 gum and whatever, and then he takes my money. My 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:10.800 money falls out of his hand, and then like he 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:12.840 triesking me the receipt and it falls on the floor. 0:15:12.880 --> 0:15:15.600 It's just it was like so clumsy, but as he 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:19.360 was as he bent down to pick up the receipt, 0:15:19.480 --> 0:15:24.400 and he was just so apologetic to me, apologetic to me. 0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:32.320 It was like in that moment, flashbacks of all the 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:36.840 shit that I had done in prison, Like it just 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:41.920 came flooding that moment, and I felt terrible that I, 0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:48.240 this innocent young man was in front of me and 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:51.040 all the terrible things I had done, and I mean 0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:57.200 it was just, yeah, you know, just the level of 0:15:57.400 --> 0:16:02.840 abuse I'd done to other people, the dorsis, the stabbings, 0:16:04.280 --> 0:16:13.280 the ship on guards, the fires and the tears, the 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:18.040 making of the knives, the the robbing, the terrorizing all 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:20.080 the people I did, the treating the people who love 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:25.320 me shitty. I just felt so it felt like I 0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:28.760 was gonna just rob this kid of innocence in a way, 0:16:28.800 --> 0:16:30.280 and I wanted to get out of there as fast, 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:31.800 but I just grabbed myself and I ran out. And 0:16:31.800 --> 0:16:36.040 I'm so not ready for fucking good people, man, Like 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:40.160 I'm gonna always feel like fucking terrible ship in front 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:44.280 of him. I can't let this keep happening and running out, 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:55.560 you know. Yeah, man, it was exhausting to be free, Joe. 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:58.440 You spent you spent a lot of time in prison 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:01.920 thinking about your dad and your relationship with your dad. 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:04.400 What was it like when you first saw him after 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:05.160 getting released. 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:09.560 I saw him when I exited the plane, and there's 0:17:09.560 --> 0:17:13.120 my dad. He's my dad. I'd done all my heart 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:16.879 work on him already, so I just hug him, I 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:21.240 love him. We cry, you know, we weep like men. 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:26.880 But there was one conversation that solidified what we would 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:28.760 try to be the rest of this time and kind 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:33.200 of got to, which was this, Dad, So I fucked 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:35.920 up really bad. You fucked up really bad. Why don't 0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:38.679 we do this. Let my fucked up shit cancel all 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:40.480 your fucked up shit, and then your fucked up shit 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:43.280 cancel out my fucked up shit, and let's just start over. 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:50.760 Let's just do that. Boom, clean slate, turn the fucking page. Yeah, 0:17:50.880 --> 0:17:53.199 let's just have a fresh start. And that's what we 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:58.119 chose to do, just like that. Let's just fresh started. Okay, 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:06.120 fresh start. We'll be right back. 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:31.879 M Part three. 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:43.000 Gone in a moment, well, you know, for those of 0:18:43.080 --> 0:18:45.439 us who are under a three strike serra law is 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:48.280 when I like when I got out, there's a mistake 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:50.280 you could make that meant that you're never getting out 0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:55.520 of prison again. It'll wash you up. One mistake, and 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:59.080 that one mistake. Many men who came out of prison, 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.600 when they would be in reinc two programs they would 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:04.160 deal with, they would talk about that moment in which 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:08.000 they had to choose, am I gonna walk away, or 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:10.879 am I gonna wash myself up, never get out of prison. 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:15.320 It's right here, It's decision is right now. It's like 0:19:16.080 --> 0:19:20.600 I am my life is imperiled in this moment, and 0:19:20.640 --> 0:19:22.080 not just in peril, like oh, I might go to 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:24.200 prison for a couple years, like I'll never get out again. 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:35.439 And they call that the moment of fatal peril. Crocodile Cafe, 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:37.280 you know, I'd worked at one before, and here we 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:41.000 are at this one, and we're on the patio and 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:46.200 there's this homeless guy across the street starts walking in traffic, 0:19:46.240 --> 0:19:48.560 and there's all this horn. That's why we're paying attention 0:19:48.600 --> 0:19:51.040 because everyone's trying to stop their honking in him, and 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:53.200 he gets so agitated. He stands right in the middle 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:55.080 of the road and he puts his arms out like 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:57.880 Jesus on the cross, and he throws his head back 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:00.960 and he's just standing in the middle the center line. 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.040 And so the traffic picks up again. It starts going slowly, 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:07.119 slowly by I mean, he's just drawn, you know, dramatic there, 0:20:07.160 --> 0:20:09.119 and people are saying stuff about him in the patio, 0:20:09.160 --> 0:20:11.159 and I feel bad for him. I have solidarity. I 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:13.960 get it, dude, in those days, like I'm feeling a 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:16.800 lot of compassion. And then he comes and he cross 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:19.200 the street and he comes to the gate that separates 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:21.879 the patio from the sidewalk, and then he opens the 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:24.000 kiss the little gate there and walks in and sits 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:25.720 at the table far at the far edge of the 0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:28.120 patio by him, so he doesn't he doesn't get seated, 0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:31.520 and so now it looks like he wants to be served. 0:20:31.520 --> 0:20:33.480 And now I can hear the waiters and waitresses like, oh, man, 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:35.359 do we have to serve him? Oh, he's got a 0:20:35.359 --> 0:20:37.240 stink and this and that, and I'm like, man, this 0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:39.280 is terrible the way they're talking about this guy. I 0:20:39.320 --> 0:20:41.960 have total solidarity stir with him. And then I look 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:43.439 over at him like kind of want to give him 0:20:43.440 --> 0:20:45.320 an eye like him, man, I see you, homeboy, like 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:47.760 like that kind of thing. Solidarity Sometimes it works, you can. 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:50.320 There's I've been out and I've been in places and 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:52.440 somebody sees me, I see them. We're like, yeah, we 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:54.040 know who we are. Yeah yeah, no, noah, all right, 0:20:54.040 --> 0:20:56.280 what's up? All right? And that's it. You let let 0:20:56.359 --> 0:20:58.840 people know who you are. And I'm trying to give 0:20:58.880 --> 0:21:00.640 that guy. Then he looks at me, and right from 0:21:00.680 --> 0:21:04.600 across the patio, he says, what are you looking at 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:09.080 you being eating burrito, motherfucker or something like yeah, being 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:12.840 burrito eating motherfucker. Like Jess straight up says it to me, 0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:17.760 calls me on in front of everybody, straight up racist shit, 0:21:19.480 --> 0:21:22.800 and everyone looks at me. They turn around and look 0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:24.760 at me. They have that look that we call him prison, like, 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:26.400 hey man, I don't play much chess, but it looks 0:21:26.400 --> 0:21:30.719 like you're moved. And my anger flashed from zero to 0:21:30.800 --> 0:21:34.160 one hundred because in that moment, I felt he's threatening 0:21:34.240 --> 0:21:37.960 me and I don't know that. My hand goes to 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:41.199 my fork, but I look at my fork and I'm like, 0:21:41.280 --> 0:21:44.199 can this thing work? I think I can make this 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:47.600 fork work if I need to. I could stab him 0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:51.040 in the eye. I could stab him. I could stab 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:53.920 him in front of his throat. I'll shove this shit 0:21:54.000 --> 0:21:56.120 up his nose if I have to. Like, I'm thinking 0:21:56.560 --> 0:22:00.439 what can I do to hurt him? And I'm like, okay, down, dere, 0:22:00.440 --> 0:22:02.440 what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? 0:22:02.560 --> 0:22:02.760 Man? 0:22:02.920 --> 0:22:05.800 No, that guy is just throwing words at you. Man, 0:22:05.840 --> 0:22:08.399 that's words. That's nothing. It's not about you at all. 0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:11.800 Dilly that shit down. Down. He's not threatening you, he's 0:22:11.840 --> 0:22:18.399 not threatening you. It's not a threat. So I started 0:22:18.440 --> 0:22:20.920 dialing it down. I'm at eighty y. It's not a threat, 0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:23.080 it's not a threat. And then my mind thought, but 0:22:23.160 --> 0:22:25.879 what if he walks over here, Like I'm starting to 0:22:25.960 --> 0:22:29.600 imagine how I'm gonna have to, you know, lunge at 0:22:29.640 --> 0:22:32.040 this guy. And now I'm back at one hundred again, 0:22:32.520 --> 0:22:35.760 and so now I am in such distress, like I 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:39.359 can't let go. This was my moment of fatal peril. 0:22:43.520 --> 0:22:46.439 I've been living out here for several months now, and 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:51.320 I've been dealing with humiliation after humiliation after small humiliation 0:22:51.440 --> 0:22:54.479 out and being helpless and fucking swallowing shit and just 0:22:54.520 --> 0:22:57.000 like not doing it. This man has crossed such a 0:22:57.720 --> 0:23:01.920 line that the idea of going over there and really 0:23:01.960 --> 0:23:06.000 putting damage on this guy's body feels so good. It's 0:23:06.080 --> 0:23:09.960 so seductive. That was the danger, Like I understood that 0:23:10.000 --> 0:23:22.480 this felt too good. I'm trying to figure out how 0:23:22.480 --> 0:23:24.480 do I let go of this? And I didn't realize well, 0:23:24.560 --> 0:23:27.639 sometimes it unlike prison, where I could not leave prison. 0:23:27.640 --> 0:23:28.879 I had to stay there and I had to deal 0:23:28.920 --> 0:23:30.960 with that. I was like I have an out. I 0:23:30.960 --> 0:23:44.720 got a car, I got a van. But here's the thing. 0:23:44.720 --> 0:23:49.240 On the way home, I realized I needed to get 0:23:49.240 --> 0:23:50.800 a hold of my father, and I need to get 0:23:50.800 --> 0:23:53.240 ahold of my brother. And I don't know why, Like 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:59.119 to this day, I don't know why. But I was 0:23:59.160 --> 0:24:03.960 smart enough to say, Paul, you know, I get sleeping 0:24:04.000 --> 0:24:05.480 back or something, and I need you to come and 0:24:05.520 --> 0:24:08.120 spend the night with me. Dad, I'm gonna pick you up. 0:24:08.359 --> 0:24:09.680 I need you to just come and spend the night 0:24:09.760 --> 0:24:15.919 with me, like I need you guys to stay with 0:24:15.960 --> 0:24:28.440 me tonight. My dad and brother came. I told Paul, 0:24:28.480 --> 0:24:30.359 stand by the sleep by the window, Dad, sleep by 0:24:30.400 --> 0:24:32.400 the door. Do not let me get up and out 0:24:32.400 --> 0:24:35.200 of here, like I don't want this to happen. I 0:24:35.200 --> 0:24:37.440 don't want to become that. And then I lay in bed, 0:24:37.480 --> 0:24:39.880 thinking I have a whole night to make sure that 0:24:40.240 --> 0:24:42.320 I do some work on myself so that in the 0:24:42.359 --> 0:24:44.040 morning I don't get up and go find a gun 0:24:44.080 --> 0:24:47.800 so I can go rob a bank. But I just 0:24:47.920 --> 0:24:50.920 lay in bed, and my brother and dad heard heard 0:24:50.960 --> 0:24:55.720 me just cry. The voices were so strong, and I 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:59.320 was not convinced that the beast was not gonna win. 0:25:00.080 --> 0:25:03.840 I was not convinced. I cried myself to sleep, like 0:25:03.880 --> 0:25:09.040 I was just so exhausted from the rage that was 0:25:09.600 --> 0:25:12.440 coursing through me. Because that's what it was. I was 0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:16.280 now dancing with that old rage again, that wanted that 0:25:16.359 --> 0:25:20.440 had done so much damage on the on the planet. 0:25:21.840 --> 0:25:27.000 I was dancing with that rage, man. And then the 0:25:27.040 --> 0:25:39.639 morning came. Morning always comes, and the morning comes like 0:25:41.119 --> 0:25:43.679 there's my dad seated on and reading a book, seated 0:25:43.680 --> 0:25:45.600 on his you know, by the door, and Paul was 0:25:45.640 --> 0:25:52.440 brushing his teeth inside the in the bathroom there, and 0:25:53.280 --> 0:25:55.879