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Speaker 1: Pushkin. A little content warning. We get into some Sado

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Speaker 1: descriptions of childhood punishment in this episode, so keep that

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Speaker 1: in mind when listening. Okay, onwards. I have always been

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Speaker 1: a talker, but not just a person who talks. I

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Speaker 1: am a person who loves to talk. I talk all

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Speaker 1: the time. I talked to the mail carrier. I talked

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Speaker 1: to my dog. I talked to every grocery bagger and

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Speaker 1: take a taker. When I'm alone in my house, I

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Speaker 1: talked to no one. I especially love talking to my neighbors. Hi,

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Speaker 1: how are you doing some winter cleaning? No? No, what

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Speaker 1: do you mean? You're trimming everything here? My love affair

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Speaker 1: with talking began early. My beliague mother Kathy, can't quite

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Speaker 1: remember when I started using words, but she knows it

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Speaker 1: was way too soon. She would have preferred a few

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Speaker 1: more months of baby babble bliss, just a little bit

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Speaker 1: more calm before the relentless torrent of words made landfall

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Speaker 1: on her shores. But tough tone nails for her. It

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Speaker 1: didn't happen like that, And once I started talking, I

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Speaker 1: just didn't stop. At a glance, my talking was harmless enough.

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Speaker 1: Questions and thoughts uttered out loud, which is fine when

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Speaker 1: you're a toddlerdoodling around in your playroom, but it's a

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Speaker 1: totally different situation once you're in school, or on a

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Speaker 1: team or in a workplace. You can't just blurt out

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Speaker 1: whatever query, critique, or witticism that comes to mind. You

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Speaker 1: can't endlessly and add her on because you think you're

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Speaker 1: interesting or because you don't like silence. You have to

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Speaker 1: learn how to calm the vesuvian eruptions spewing from your mouth,

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Speaker 1: which is something I've never really been able to do

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Speaker 1: and I can't seem to figure out why. But it's

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Speaker 1: not just that I have an overactive mouth. Lots of

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Speaker 1: people talk and talk and talk. My uncle Gary is

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Speaker 1: a champion talker. He once told me a twenty minute

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Speaker 1: story about a tetnas shot for me understanding my talking

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Speaker 1: was actually about unpacking the pain and anxiety that my

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Speaker 1: mouth has caused over the years, my inability to relax

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Speaker 1: in the face of quietude, my unintentionally harsh tone, my

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Speaker 1: ear splitting loudness. I wanted to grasp why I didn't

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Speaker 1: quite understand how to properly communicate with the world, or

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Speaker 1: how to properly exit a conversation. All right, Well, enjoy

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Speaker 1: your trimming. All right, Well, y'all have a nice afternoon.

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Speaker 1: By smoke, be good. If you didn't catch that. I

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Speaker 1: said goodbye to my neighbor twice and her dogs smoke once,

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Speaker 1: and those were just the goodbyes. I'm letting you here.

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Speaker 1: What can I say? I just love chatting, and leaving

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Speaker 1: a chat is hard, and so when I finally figured

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Speaker 1: out the why behind my compulsive talking, the answer knocked

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Speaker 1: me on my behind. My family was taken aback, and

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Speaker 1: my friends were like what people I work with were

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Speaker 1: fully confused. And the reason for my gift of gab,

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Speaker 1: my loquacity, my talcoholism. I'm autistic and that probably flies

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Speaker 1: in the face of everything you thought you knew about autism.

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Speaker 1: So imagine how shocked I was when I got that diagnosis.

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Speaker 1: You're listening to the loudest girl in the world. Who

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Speaker 1: is me, Lauren Ober. I'm a journalist and a podcast host,

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Speaker 1: and perhaps more importantly for our purposes, I'm a person

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Speaker 1: on a mission, a mission to figure out a lot

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Speaker 1: of things. Why I've always been thought of as difficult,

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Speaker 1: why I feel like I'm always struggling with my emotions,

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Speaker 1: and why I just can't shut up to it. I've

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Speaker 1: now been talking for four straight minutes, and that's a

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Speaker 1: lot of minutes of talking. The Loudest Girl in the

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Speaker 1: World is the story of my journey to understand what

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Speaker 1: the hell it means to be on the autism spectrum

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Speaker 1: and how to live life is a newly diagnosed autistic woman.

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Speaker 1: This podcast is about finding yourself broken in a pretty

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Speaker 1: dark place and emerging from that place a mostly glued

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Speaker 1: back together person. For years, maybe even decades, life just

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Speaker 1: seemed harder than it should have been for me. And then,

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Speaker 1: in the middle of a global pandemic, when the entire

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Speaker 1: world was on fire and we were all reevaluating our lives,

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Speaker 1: I went searching for answers and I've found them in

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Speaker 1: a diagnosis I never could have anticipated. So I want

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Speaker 1: to tell you about a formative event that led me

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Speaker 1: to this place of self discovery. It happened in my

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Speaker 1: sixth grade year, and looking back at it now, it

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Speaker 1: feels like my entire elementary career was leading up to

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Speaker 1: this one moment. But before I can tell you about that,

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Speaker 1: I have to take you for a wander through Little

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Speaker 1: Lauren Land. My mom, Cathy Lauren, had a difficult time

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Speaker 1: connecting with kids. Always from the time she was young,

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Speaker 1: when when we would have play dates and stuff, and

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Speaker 1: she'd want to play her own thing, and the girls

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Speaker 1: that came over would want to do something different, and

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Speaker 1: so they'd be usually usually more girly than spot on dad.

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Speaker 1: That checks out. Not a lot of Barbie friend time

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Speaker 1: for me. Also, her quote disruptive behavior, there was no

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Speaker 1: mean intent behind it. She could not manage herself in

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Speaker 1: a classroom setting, and not being able to be the

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Speaker 1: one who was talking that always stood out. All that

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Speaker 1: caused some problems for little Lauren in school because apparently

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Speaker 1: not everyone likes to be talked to or at while

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Speaker 1: they're sitting at their desk trying to concentrate on their

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Speaker 1: times tables, and apparently teachers don't like it when students

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Speaker 1: talk incessantly. It kind of disrupts their whole flow. So

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Speaker 1: all this means that little Lauren that's me was in

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Speaker 1: trouble a lot in elementary school. I was often ejected

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Speaker 1: from class and forced to sit in the hall by myself.

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Speaker 1: My desk would be moved next to the teachers, and

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Speaker 1: numerous times teachers tried and failed to institute a sticker

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Speaker 1: based reward system to get me to quiet down, as

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Speaker 1: if I would stop talking for a lousy sticker. One

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Speaker 1: of my more memorable punishments was the wall. The wall

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Speaker 1: was where the kids spent recess. Basically, a teacher would

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Speaker 1: discipline me saying you're going on the wall, which meant

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Speaker 1: that for the whole of recess I was to stand

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Speaker 1: against an outer wall of the school. My fellow batties

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Speaker 1: and I had to have one part of our bodies

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Speaker 1: touching the wall at all times, and there was absolutely

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Speaker 1: no talking. The wall is pretty memorable and looms large

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Speaker 1: in my inner child psyche Like damn, I did a

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Speaker 1: lot of standing against cold brick when I was a kid.

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Speaker 1: If you're a teacher and you're listening, don't use any

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Speaker 1: of these punishments on your students. They're humiliating and scarring,

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Speaker 1: and unless you want to put the bill for their therapy,

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Speaker 1: you should think about some more humane alternatives. But when

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Speaker 1: I think about my talking and how much trouble it

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Speaker 1: got me in the wall or the hall, banishment or

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Speaker 1: the desk next to the teacher are not the punishments

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Speaker 1: I keep coming back to over and over. That would

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Speaker 1: be the box the box event happened on Halloween thirty

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Speaker 1: one years ago, and it came up recently. On a

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Speaker 1: trip home to see my folks. I was in the

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Speaker 1: car driving with my mom Kathy, who I call Kathy,

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Speaker 1: and my stepdad Bob. We're talking about Halloween costumes and

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Speaker 1: whether any of my childhood looks would ever preclude me

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Speaker 1: from getting nominated to, say, the Supreme Court. Now, I'd

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Speaker 1: say my lack of a law degree might be the

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Speaker 1: first disqualifier there. You never know these days to be

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Speaker 1: nominated for the Supreme Court. Would it be? No, You'll

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Speaker 1: never find those photos? Who has those photos? That's right?

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Speaker 1: That was pre internet. Pretty sure there's nothing objectionable about

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Speaker 1: a devil or a clown costume some of my early

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Speaker 1: Halloween hits. But then I start thinking about my favorite

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Speaker 1: costume ever, my pippylong Stocking ensemble. I'll never forget. I mean,

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Speaker 1: my pippylong stuck in costume is forever mired. You're forgiven

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Speaker 1: if you don't know who pippylong Stocking is. Barely Pippy

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Speaker 1: is a fictional character from a Swedish children's book. She

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Speaker 1: has red hair and also a horse and a monkey

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Speaker 1: in a righteous sense of justice. And if that isn't

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Speaker 1: fun enough, Pippy is also a little bit naughty orphan

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Speaker 1: with superhuman strength. She's piattails, she's freckles, she's fun if

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Speaker 1: you're young or old, and she's loved the world over.

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Speaker 1: She's Pippy long Stocking. Pippy was a real idol of mine.

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Speaker 1: I truly thought I was her in my extremely on

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Speaker 1: point costume. But when I think about my costume, I

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Speaker 1: inevitably think of the box because the two are forever linked.

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Speaker 1: I was so proud of that costume. It should have

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Speaker 1: been my best Halloween ever. But then the box incident occurred,

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Speaker 1: and my memory of that day is fully painted. Oh

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Speaker 1: I know, because you were because why confinement? Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: you're home not by me, the teacher, Patty Patterson. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: put me in a cage. More accurately, it was a box,

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Speaker 1: a three sided box, like the size of something your

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Speaker 1: new refrigerator might come in. Also, if it sounds like

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Speaker 1: Kathy and I are harsh with each other, well that's

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Speaker 1: just the way we talked. I can't believe that it was. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it was. Don't you remember you were a home room

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Speaker 1: mom and you I remember that, but I didn't remember

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Speaker 1: the teacher. I don't remember what year I was a

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Speaker 1: home room mom every year. I want you to picture this.

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Speaker 1: It's a sixth grade classroom and the blackboards are decorated

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Speaker 1: with ghosts and ghouls for Halloween. All the desks are

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Speaker 1: in neat rows facing the front with little treat bags

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Speaker 1: on them, organized by the homeroom moms. There were no

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Speaker 1: home room dads. Lol. This was nineteen ninety one. The

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Speaker 1: kids are milling around their desks, comparing candy and showing

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Speaker 1: off their costumes. But then and there's a little desk

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Speaker 1: at the back, and whose desk is it? Whose desk

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Speaker 1: was it? And what was around the desk hardboard or

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Speaker 1: some sort of partition. Yeah, a three sided cardboard box.

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Speaker 1: My desk wasn't in any of the neat rows. My

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Speaker 1: desk was at the back of the classroom with a

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Speaker 1: giant cardboard partition around it, like six feet tall. I

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Speaker 1: couldn't see my classmates and they couldn't see me, which

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Speaker 1: was a shame because my costume really was the most dope.

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Speaker 1: For the life of me, I can't remember what I

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Speaker 1: did to get put in the box. Probably murder, also arson. No,

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Speaker 1: I can only guess that the partition went up both

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Speaker 1: as a punishment for some chatting related violation and to

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Speaker 1: prevent me from talking to my classmates also from distracting

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Speaker 1: them with any antics. Or maybe Miss Patterson was trying

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Speaker 1: to preempt any shenanigans from happenings. Why did you talk

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Speaker 1: to everybody around? But why would you do that to

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Speaker 1: a child? I didn't do it, not you, the teacher

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Speaker 1: did it. But why I did it? That's just the

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Speaker 1: way it was. Then I can't explain to you. They

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Speaker 1: just did it. Then. It's the saddest thing. I loved

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Speaker 1: that costume. I had copper wire braided into my hair,

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Speaker 1: freckles on my face. I had a little hobo costume,

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Speaker 1: kind of pippylong stocking. Do you think anybody would put

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Speaker 1: pippylong stocking in a box? I think we can all

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Speaker 1: agree that the answer to that question is a resounding no. Now,

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Speaker 1: at this point in my umteenth three telling of this story,

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Speaker 1: my folks are laughing at me. I love that you

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Speaker 1: guys are laughing about this thing. That it has stuck

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Speaker 1: with me for fifty seven, nine hundred years, and it's

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Speaker 1: stuck with me because it was extremely traumatic. It was traumatic.

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Speaker 1: No one in my class dropped that, Yeah, exactly. I

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Speaker 1: got thrown out of the room during singing class. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I got through another room every Tuesday. Basically, the story

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Speaker 1: of the Box has stuck with me all these many

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Speaker 1: years later because it changed the way I felt about

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Speaker 1: myself as a kid, and that feeling never really changed

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Speaker 1: as I grew up. Today as an adult, I almost

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Speaker 1: always think I'm bad or I'm doing bad things, or

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Speaker 1: people think I'm doing bad things. I feel isolated from

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Speaker 1: my peers, and I have a sense that I deserve it.

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Speaker 1: I have internalized the message of the box that I

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Speaker 1: am a person with problems who needs to be separated

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Speaker 1: from the herd. I reached out to my former teacher,

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Speaker 1: Miss Patterson to talk about this, and I got this

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Speaker 1: email in response. After giving your project a lot more thought,

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Speaker 1: I've decided not to become involved. That is my finale answer.

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Speaker 1: No amount of persuasion can change my decision. Well, all right, then,

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Speaker 1: but she did wish me the very best in her email.

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Speaker 1: I'm not blaming Miss Patterson for my childhood difficulties. I

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Speaker 1: had problems making and keeping friends way before I stepped

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Speaker 1: foot in her classroom. I'm pretty sure that at the time,

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Speaker 1: I had like half a friend. But that particular punishment

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Speaker 1: at that particular time in my life was so othering.

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Speaker 1: It made me feel like I was straight up trash.

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Speaker 1: And it's set in motion a self esteem spiral that

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Speaker 1: still persists even today, like right this very minute, as

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Speaker 1: I'm saying these words, which is why we should probably

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Speaker 1: take a break so I can compose myself. When I

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Speaker 1: talked to my parents about my obsessive talking and all

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Speaker 1: the trouble I got into because of it, their take

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Speaker 1: on it, some thirty years later is very different than mine.

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Speaker 1: To my dad Russ Lauren, Lauren's behavior in school was

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Speaker 1: obviously disruptive. I was was as bad as Lauren, or

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Speaker 1: probably worse, and so you know, I didn't find it

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Speaker 1: so upsetting. I didn't say that I found it upsetting.

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Speaker 1: I just said that I noticed it and it was

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Speaker 1: an issue. But your dad and I used to talk

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Speaker 1: about and think, well, you know, the teachers are just

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Speaker 1: going to have to get used to it. This is

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Speaker 1: the way Lauren is. And I know we talked about this,

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Speaker 1: this is the way she is. Yeah, let they should

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Speaker 1: deal with how to deal with Lauren. But I definitely

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Speaker 1: I was never really upset about it, you know, like

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Speaker 1: there are some parents. Well my mother, I mean when

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Speaker 1: those dames came home, came to our house and said,

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Speaker 1: well Russell, I was so you know, lack of self

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Speaker 1: control and almost like you know, she was freaked out

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Speaker 1: because she would tell me, this reflects on me. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: My parents' issue with my talking wasn't that it reflected

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Speaker 1: poorly on them. It was that they were exhausted by it,

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Speaker 1: especially my mom. Kathy is a textbook introvert. She gets

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Speaker 1: her energy from people staying the hell away from her.

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Speaker 1: When the pandemic forced most everyone to keep to their

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Speaker 1: homes and twiddle their thumbs, Kathie was happier than I've

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Speaker 1: seen her in a long time. When she retired from

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Speaker 1: her job at a local hardware store midway through COVID times,

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Speaker 1: she told me she was done dealing with the public,

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Speaker 1: so having a loud tone, deaf, chatterbox child wasn't exactly

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Speaker 1: easy for her. Kathy once told me that raising me

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Speaker 1: was like raising three kids at once, and when my

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Speaker 1: younger brother r J was in middle school, she declared

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Speaker 1: that she was done being a parent. In some ways,

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Speaker 1: the stork delivered Kathy the wrong daughter She would have

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Speaker 1: been better off with a compliant, girly bookworm who ate

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Speaker 1: all the food on her plate and didn't have an

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Speaker 1: answer for exactly everything. But instead, my quiet little mom

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Speaker 1: was stuck with a shrill no at all who rarely

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Speaker 1: listened and didn't come with an off button. I used

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Speaker 1: to play a game with Lauren. I would say, well,

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Speaker 1: we have to stop talking now. The game little brother

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Speaker 1: r Jaye coming in with the jokes very different, and

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Speaker 1: maybe I should be in therapy to figure out why

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Speaker 1: I couldn't deal with all the talking. I would argue,

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Speaker 1: everyone needs to be in therapy, but that's just me.

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Speaker 1: But my mom shouldn't have to pathologize her desire for quiet.

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Speaker 1: There are lots of people in my life over the

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Speaker 1: years who have wished I was less loud. When I

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Speaker 1: was in college, I played a Division one lacrosse. When

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Speaker 1: I got to talkie, one of my teammates, an outrageous

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Speaker 1: Australia named Brook, used to sing a Simpson's line to

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Speaker 1: shut me up, but in a nice way. Oh years

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Speaker 1: for Brooke, I was so and my voice was the saxophone,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes the instrument just needed to go back in

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Speaker 1: its case, which is totally reasonable. But here's the deal.

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Speaker 1: My talking isn't always a thing that gets me in

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Speaker 1: trouble or creates awkward situations with strangers. It's also a

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Speaker 1: thing that gets me jobs and wins me awards. I've

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Speaker 1: been pretty lucky to find a career where I could

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Speaker 1: talk for a living. Literally, I get paid to say

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Speaker 1: words to people. I'm Lauren Ober and this is the

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Speaker 1: Big Listen from WAMU and NPR. I'm Lauren Ober and

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Speaker 1: from American Public Media. This is spectacular Failures. I'm Lauren

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Speaker 1: Ober and this is fine Gorilla person the Miseducation of Coco.

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Speaker 1: So I found a creative and professional outlet for all

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Speaker 1: my blabbing. My parents are so proud. But also I've

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Speaker 1: been able to harness my talking for other uses as well,

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Speaker 1: even though I generally feel like I'm going to poop

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Speaker 1: my pants when I'm doing it. I'm pretty great at

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Speaker 1: speeches and presentations and live storytelling in these days. Now

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Speaker 1: that I'm in my forties and I've had years of practice,

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Speaker 1: I can basically hold my own at parties and social gatherings,

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Speaker 1: as long as I can take ample breaks to recombobulate myself.

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Speaker 1: Thank God for bathrooms to hide out in. If you

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Speaker 1: saw me out in public, I might seem pretty damn delightful.

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Speaker 1: Or at least that's what my friends told my producers

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Speaker 1: when they called asking for descriptions of me. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: almost always call her at charm school graduate like top

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Speaker 1: of the class, valedictorian, charm School. Yeah, she isn't very loud,

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Speaker 1: but she is also hilarious, and I think interesting and

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Speaker 1: fun to talk to. She can talk about almost anything

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Speaker 1: to anyone, brilliant, charming, distinctive. I don't worry about her

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Speaker 1: at a party. I mostly like I know that she'll

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Speaker 1: take care of that half of the room. She appears

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Speaker 1: to be someone very comfortable in their own skin, and

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Speaker 1: it's nice to be around like you feel well held

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Speaker 1: in a conversation. But figuring out how to be charming

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Speaker 1: and social has taken so much work. Until fairly recently,

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Speaker 1: I spent many a professional conference hiding in my hotel room.

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Speaker 1: Parties were dismal, too loud, too busy, too stressful, going

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Speaker 1: out to dinner with people I didn't know, forget it.

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Speaker 1: So in order to make minglings seem less burdensome, I've

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Speaker 1: had to become a keen study in the ways of

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Speaker 1: seamless social engagement, don't talk too much about yourself, how

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Speaker 1: to maintain icontect your facial expressions. Basically, try to be

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Speaker 1: like everyone else and don't be weird except I am weird.

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Speaker 1: I'm a board certified weirdo. No matter how much I try,

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Speaker 1: I still stare too much, scowl too hard, talk to

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Speaker 1: you loud. Socializing still feels like dangerous territory despite my

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Speaker 1: best efforts. Call it a midlife crisis, call it the

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Speaker 1: wisdom of age, call it a hunch. But a couple

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Speaker 1: of years ago, my need to understand why I am

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Speaker 1: the way I am started making more and more noise

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Speaker 1: inside my brain. I just couldn't reconcile why nothing in

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Speaker 1: my life felt frictionless, nothing felt easy. But it wasn't

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Speaker 1: just that I rambled on or had trouble at parties.

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Speaker 1: So I started an informal accounting of all the things

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Speaker 1: that I felt set me apart from my peers. I

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Speaker 1: wanted to understand why I felt so crummy about myself,

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Speaker 1: and Patty Patterson's Box was a big part of that,

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Speaker 1: but it wasn't the only thing. I've always had troubles

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Speaker 1: at work and difficulty with bosses telling me what to do.

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Speaker 1: I am famously finicky, and the list of foods I

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Speaker 1: won't eat, ranging from arugula to zucchini, is come long.

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Speaker 1: I often don't want to be touched, and sometimes I

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Speaker 1: involuntarily recoil when touched, which is a great look on dates.

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Speaker 1: My ears are highly sensitive to all kinds of normal sounds,

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Speaker 1: like headphone bleed and people biting their nails. I can't

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Speaker 1: seem to get a system in place to regularly put

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Speaker 1: away my laundry. I have nuclear grade meltdowns that make

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Speaker 1: me not want to exist. I don't miss people when

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Speaker 1: they go away, but I want to. I compulsively pull

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Speaker 1: out my hair and have for thirty years. This list

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Speaker 1: will be very familiar to autistic people, and trust it's

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Speaker 1: just the tip of the iceberg. All of these traits,

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Speaker 1: these quirks. When I added them all up, they just

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Speaker 1: didn't feel normal. To be honest, I just didn't feel

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Speaker 1: stoked about myself. No matter how well things were going

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Speaker 1: for me personally and professionally, I still felt like I

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Speaker 1: was Lady Sysiphus pushing giant rock up a hill, and

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Speaker 1: for what what was at the top of that hill?

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Speaker 1: That was so great. Anyway, the more I thought about it,

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Speaker 1: the more I needed an answer, which I may or

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00:23:21,116 --> 00:23:30,156
Speaker 1: may not get. After this break, part of my awakening

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Speaker 1: was spurred by the time I was spending with my partner,

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Speaker 1: Hannah's teenage son Jacob. Have you made a lot of

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Speaker 1: exactly zero? Would you like to? Maybe it's a complicated

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Speaker 1: Jacob is autistic and was diagnosed as a little kid

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Speaker 1: because of the rock Heart. My favorite Jacob story is

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Speaker 1: that his first words were now available on DVD, and

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Speaker 1: in him I found someone who was eerily similar to me,

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Speaker 1: but in teen boy form. Jacob has an intense need

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Speaker 1: to correct people he thinks are wrong. He has an

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00:24:07,876 --> 00:24:12,836
Speaker 1: overwrought sense of justice. He is aggressively blunt, He skillfully

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Speaker 1: avoids eye contact, and sometimes he needs to skip down

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Speaker 1: the sidewalk to burn off the excess energy and emotion

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Speaker 1: welling up in his body. Also, Jacob is very funny.

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Speaker 1: Jacob said this sentence to me in the restaurant. Bulgarian

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Speaker 1: wedding music doesn't have any vocals in it. It doesn't wow,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't you know. It's like trumpets and ship. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's just trumpets and shit. When you have an autistic kid,

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00:24:38,916 --> 00:24:41,196
Speaker 1: you tend to see autistic traits and folks that the

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00:24:41,276 --> 00:24:45,196
Speaker 1: general population might overlook. The more Hanna got to know me,

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00:24:45,276 --> 00:24:47,756
Speaker 1: the more she was like, um, you know you're autistic, right,

381
00:24:48,276 --> 00:24:51,276
Speaker 1: which is rude, but I forgive her because she did

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00:24:51,516 --> 00:24:53,916
Speaker 1: kind of know what she was talking about, and I

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00:24:53,996 --> 00:24:56,876
Speaker 1: was kind of thinking the same thing. I really was

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Speaker 1: trying to remember, like what were my first clues. I

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00:25:00,556 --> 00:25:03,556
Speaker 1: mean there was a time we were in New York

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00:25:04,116 --> 00:25:07,116
Speaker 1: at an airbnb. Yeah, I mean you had to melt

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00:25:07,156 --> 00:25:11,556
Speaker 1: it like it was. That was kind of amazing because

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00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:17,236
Speaker 1: it was like a classic annoying New York airbnb where

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00:25:17,236 --> 00:25:19,076
Speaker 1: the owners are like, oh, you know you have this

390
00:25:19,196 --> 00:25:20,916
Speaker 1: to yourself below, I'm going to come up and just

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00:25:21,036 --> 00:25:24,836
Speaker 1: make a tea or use the shower right exactly are

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Speaker 1: ticket shower and like leave its steamy, but like pretend

393
00:25:27,796 --> 00:25:31,996
Speaker 1: I was never fair, So it's like comical and annoying,

394
00:25:32,236 --> 00:25:38,196
Speaker 1: but you totally melted down basically because the accommodations were

395
00:25:38,356 --> 00:25:42,076
Speaker 1: chaotic and messy and not at all what I expected.

396
00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:47,156
Speaker 1: That reaction was Hannah's first real indication that I might

397
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Speaker 1: be a little different, because becoming borderline catatonic over a

398
00:25:51,556 --> 00:25:56,196
Speaker 1: shitty Airbnb situation isn't typical. Of course, we joked about

399
00:25:56,196 --> 00:26:01,116
Speaker 1: my idiosyncrasies. I'm so spectrum melol. My girlfriend is autistic, hahu.

400
00:26:01,836 --> 00:26:04,836
Speaker 1: But that goofing kind of paved the way for a

401
00:26:04,996 --> 00:26:09,436
Speaker 1: slightly more serious investigation. I started poking around on certain

402
00:26:09,476 --> 00:26:13,596
Speaker 1: autism websites and YouTube channels. I began thinking more about

403
00:26:13,596 --> 00:26:17,436
Speaker 1: my childhood. Then, as a little test balloon, I told

404
00:26:17,516 --> 00:26:21,036
Speaker 1: my then therapist Arlene about my suspicion that I might

405
00:26:21,116 --> 00:26:24,716
Speaker 1: be autistic, But the idea was still pretty half baked.

406
00:26:25,196 --> 00:26:27,316
Speaker 1: I'm not an expert on it. Then I can see

407
00:26:27,996 --> 00:26:29,756
Speaker 1: from what I do know and I'm trying to learn

408
00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:33,196
Speaker 1: about it, that you know that you have autistic characteristics.

409
00:26:33,596 --> 00:26:37,116
Speaker 1: But I mean, I couldn't actually be autistic, right. I

410
00:26:37,196 --> 00:26:40,076
Speaker 1: owned a house and a car. I had a decent job,

411
00:26:40,316 --> 00:26:43,596
Speaker 1: a girlfriend, a social network. I paid my bills on time,

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00:26:43,716 --> 00:26:46,956
Speaker 1: I kept my dog alive. Even when I was struggling,

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00:26:46,996 --> 00:26:50,996
Speaker 1: I always seemed to make it through. A previous therapist

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00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:53,236
Speaker 1: told me once when I was in between jobs, that

415
00:26:53,356 --> 00:26:58,116
Speaker 1: I was the most highly motivated, slightly depressed, unemployed person

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00:26:58,236 --> 00:27:01,476
Speaker 1: she had ever come across. Well, if that isn't a

417
00:27:01,476 --> 00:27:05,516
Speaker 1: feather in my cap. I don't know what is. Somehow,

418
00:27:05,556 --> 00:27:10,236
Speaker 1: in my mind, being autistic seemed antithetical to living a typical,

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00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:13,916
Speaker 1: successful life, which is gross and ablest, and I fully

420
00:27:13,956 --> 00:27:17,676
Speaker 1: know that. Still, I just kept telling myself that even

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00:27:17,716 --> 00:27:21,796
Speaker 1: though I might have a few autistic traits, I wasn't

422
00:27:21,836 --> 00:27:30,716
Speaker 1: actually autistic. But then the pandemic happened, and my dog died,

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00:27:30,836 --> 00:27:34,396
Speaker 1: and I lost my job, and nearly every structure that

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Speaker 1: was propping out my life seemed to fall away. It

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Speaker 1: felt like I had been treading water for so long,

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Speaker 1: and then someone took away my floaties. I started to drown,

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Speaker 1: and while it was submerged, the atonal chorus inside my

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Speaker 1: head became deafening. Figuring out my life my brain took

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Speaker 1: on an urgent quality. I just needed to understand, and

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Speaker 1: I needed to know that I wasn't bad. While all

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Speaker 1: my non essential friends we're learning how to make sour

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Speaker 1: dough or adopting pandemic dogs or dusting off the old

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Speaker 1: acoustic guitar, my pandemic project became about something else, trying

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Speaker 1: to unscramble my brain. And then finally, in November twenty twenty,

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Speaker 1: I did sort of. I took the test. You've been

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Speaker 1: listening to the Loudest Girl in the World. It's hosted,

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Speaker 1: written in executive produced by me Lauren Obert. Our senior

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Speaker 1: producer is writer. Also our associate producer is David Jah.

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Speaker 1: Sophie Crane is our show runner and senior editor. Jake

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Speaker 1: Gorski is our mix engineer. Music composed by my autistic

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Speaker 1: Kiwie Pale the Inimitable Lady Hawk. Our artwork was created

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Speaker 1: by the autistic illustrator Loretta Ipsum. The show was fact

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Speaker 1: checked by Andrea Lopez Cruzado, and our autism consultant is

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Speaker 1: Sarah Cappett. Executive producers are Mea Lobell and Lie tom Mullat.

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Speaker 1: Special thanks to my pals Sharta balachandran or Uela, Callie Cyrus,

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00:29:25,716 --> 00:29:29,276
Speaker 1: Lulu Miller, Rob Quinn and Emily Vesselin for letting my

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Speaker 1: producers pick your brains. And thanks to my family for

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Speaker 1: graciously allowing me to stick microphones in your faces. And

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Speaker 1: thanks to you friend for listening