WEBVTT - Positively Gam: Coping with Loss due to Covid-19

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<v Speaker 1>I don't understand people's decision to refuse to wear I'm asked,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't understand people who still are acting like this

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<v Speaker 1>is fake news and acting as a business as usual,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's not business as usually. It really is. Welcome

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<v Speaker 1>to positively gam hosted by me Gammy. Today is a

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<v Speaker 1>special episode where we're talking about experiencing loss during the

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<v Speaker 1>time of COVID. I recently lost my mother in love.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people would say mother in law, but in my

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<v Speaker 1>family we say mother and love. And I thought that

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<v Speaker 1>I was prepared, and it turns out that I wasn't.

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<v Speaker 1>In the beginning of the pandemic, there was a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of talk to how people were experiencing death and dying

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<v Speaker 1>and not being able to be with their family members,

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<v Speaker 1>and I knew at that time that that was going

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<v Speaker 1>to be the experience for my family because my mother

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<v Speaker 1>in love was in a nursing home. So joining me

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<v Speaker 1>today is Mona Harris. She's a good friend of mine

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<v Speaker 1>from my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland, and we realized that

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<v Speaker 1>we had a commonality in this experience of loss. So

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<v Speaker 1>tell me about your loss, Mona, because it was your

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<v Speaker 1>mother in love as well, and they were both at

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<v Speaker 1>the same facility. Correct, she was well taken care of

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<v Speaker 1>at that nursing facility. She was actually in the memory

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<v Speaker 1>care unit. So she had to mention in March they said, well,

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<v Speaker 1>this is the last time you're gonna be able to

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<v Speaker 1>come for right now because the pandemic is stopping all visits.

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<v Speaker 1>How old was your mother in love to mine was too?

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<v Speaker 1>She was mine too, I mean her health was good

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<v Speaker 1>at other than that, and when that pandemic it hit

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<v Speaker 1>like a tun of bridge because I mean, we couldn't

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<v Speaker 1>go there. And one of the nurses was able to

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<v Speaker 1>let us call her cell phone from time to time

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<v Speaker 1>and do a FaceTime call, but her being not in

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<v Speaker 1>her right mind, she didn't know what was going but

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<v Speaker 1>it was just good for us to good eyes on

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<v Speaker 1>her at the beginning. I don't believe that Merlin was

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<v Speaker 1>requiring tests. I think in mid April they started testing.

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<v Speaker 1>I think they tested her on the of April and

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<v Speaker 1>found out the next day she was positive. And a

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<v Speaker 1>week later, on a Saturday, they first, as a matter

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<v Speaker 1>of fact, they called my sister in law and asked

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<v Speaker 1>her if she wanted to have a face call, and

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<v Speaker 1>they had never done that before. My sister in law

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<v Speaker 1>took the call, and you know, my mom was a

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<v Speaker 1>little unresponsive at that time. And the next day, which

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<v Speaker 1>was made second, they called and said her heart ratehit

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<v Speaker 1>went high and her person had drive. What should we do?

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<v Speaker 1>And my husband said, send it to the arm and

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<v Speaker 1>he went to the facility actually and met the ambulance,

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<v Speaker 1>said couldn't go in, but he wanted to see her

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<v Speaker 1>coming out. Upon her coming out, she wasn't responsible. Yelled,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, he yelled her name, but she didn't respond.

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<v Speaker 1>So he followed the it's up to the hospital, and

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<v Speaker 1>of course he couldn't go in. So she was there

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<v Speaker 1>a couple of days at the hospital and they called

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<v Speaker 1>and said that there was one what they could do,

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<v Speaker 1>He said, one person can come to see her. And

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<v Speaker 1>my husband went and they covered him from him to

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<v Speaker 1>tow in all the year and on his cell phone

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<v Speaker 1>in the plastic bag so he could do a zoom

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<v Speaker 1>call for his family members and that and for my family.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that our experiences were quite similar. You know.

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<v Speaker 1>First of all, let me just say that when you

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<v Speaker 1>have to make the decision to put someone in a

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<v Speaker 1>nursing care facility, it's well known that you know, you

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<v Speaker 1>have to be really careful and thoughtful about the facility

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<v Speaker 1>that you choose, and a lot of it is based

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<v Speaker 1>on what the family can afford. So I feel blessed,

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<v Speaker 1>like I said, that we were able to get her

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<v Speaker 1>and a facility that we trusted and had confidence in.

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<v Speaker 1>That being said, though, knowing that the elderly are vulnerable

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<v Speaker 1>and at risk, it's imperative that we have somebton there

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<v Speaker 1>every day, and we were lucky enough to be able

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<v Speaker 1>to do that. We have family members, so somebody in

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<v Speaker 1>the family was there every single day. Rodney's sister brought

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<v Speaker 1>her mother dinner every day and it was a schedule

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<v Speaker 1>for us. At three o'clock every day we went to

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<v Speaker 1>see Miss Jeans. So having her be able to see us,

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<v Speaker 1>touch us, talk with us, sit down, and spend time

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<v Speaker 1>with us on a daily basis, and to go from

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<v Speaker 1>that to absolutely nothing was devastating for us. And I

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<v Speaker 1>just can't imagine what that was like for her, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>because they don't quite understand exactly what's going on. Rodney's

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<v Speaker 1>mom was of sound mind. She wasn't of sound body,

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<v Speaker 1>but she was of sound mind. But still there's a

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<v Speaker 1>bit of confusion when you know everybody is coming, and

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<v Speaker 1>then all of a sudden, nobody is right, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>And it took the facility a minute to figure out,

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<v Speaker 1>how can we involve the family because we know that

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<v Speaker 1>that is needed. And then they started join the the

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<v Speaker 1>weekly FaceTime calls that you mentioned, but it was once

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<v Speaker 1>a week and it was for couple of minutes. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not sure we even got up to a half an

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<v Speaker 1>hour of time because they're having to go around to

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<v Speaker 1>each person, each bed and do this. So I can

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<v Speaker 1>imagine the task that it was to to do that,

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<v Speaker 1>but it was really, really, really something. First, let me

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<v Speaker 1>ask you, let me go back and ask how are

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<v Speaker 1>you guys doing? How are you and Eric coping? How?

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<v Speaker 1>I think everybody is doing as best they can. Everybody

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<v Speaker 1>has their moments. I know, lass his moments, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>when he would when he was talking about it yesterday,

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<v Speaker 1>he was having some moments that hit hard because she

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<v Speaker 1>and I were pretty close as well, well, we were

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<v Speaker 1>very close, not pretty close even though, like Eric would say,

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes she's really not here, because she had to mention,

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<v Speaker 1>but I said, but physically she is here, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>and we still could touch it, We still could see her,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, So it's it's it's very devastating. Yeah. Let

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<v Speaker 1>me clarify for the audience to that, Eric, your husband,

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<v Speaker 1>she was my mother in love as well. Yeah. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>and Rodney is my husband. So we just want to

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<v Speaker 1>clarify who we're talking about. So do you feel like

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<v Speaker 1>the loss of your mom was more red to the

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<v Speaker 1>COVID or was it just more related to It was

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<v Speaker 1>definitely the COVID, Yeah, because she was going fine before that, exactly.

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<v Speaker 1>I talked to a matter of fact, we saw a

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<v Speaker 1>nurse in the market a couple of weeks ago, and

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<v Speaker 1>I guess it was about thirty about thirty patients in

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<v Speaker 1>her particularly unit, and we were asking how they were doing,

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<v Speaker 1>and she said, my mother Loves unit. Out of safe

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<v Speaker 1>thirty all passed but two. Wow. So and it sounds

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<v Speaker 1>like your mother, your mother in love, her illness progressed quickly. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if those patients on that unit were

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<v Speaker 1>more vulnerable, you know, because I don't know who of

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<v Speaker 1>those patients had other issues other than dementia. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>they could have had other issues, and well, my mother

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<v Speaker 1>lauded she didn't, she didn't have any other underlying issues. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>my mother in love was down sound mind, but she

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<v Speaker 1>was weakened. Her body was weakened. She couldn't get out

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<v Speaker 1>of the bed, you know, on her own, and you know,

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<v Speaker 1>she was she was pretty frail. But I still feel

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<v Speaker 1>like if I mean like, I'm not God, but I

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<v Speaker 1>just feel like if she, you know, hadn't succumbed to

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<v Speaker 1>two the pandemic, that she would still be be with

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<v Speaker 1>us today. I believe that as well too, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>because I said she was still fine. She was still

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<v Speaker 1>eating on her own. Some of the patients were not.

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<v Speaker 1>She wasn't walking, she was in a wheelchair, but she

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<v Speaker 1>still was able to eat. You know. The conversations were,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, of course way out there, but we were

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<v Speaker 1>still laugh and still talking. You know, just had a

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<v Speaker 1>good time. So this COVID really, really, am really took

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<v Speaker 1>her right. I thought that I was prepared because I

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<v Speaker 1>knew that this was going to be the case. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>dealing with loss is such a difficult journey. And no

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<v Speaker 1>matter what you tell yourself, because I tell myself all

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<v Speaker 1>the time, well it's it's just part of the life cycle. Everybody,

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<v Speaker 1>everybody is gonna die. You're never prepared trying to navigate

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<v Speaker 1>those emotions during during this pandemic. When you you cannot

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<v Speaker 1>be with family and friends to celebrate the life was

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<v Speaker 1>very different. Let me ask you, did you and and

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<v Speaker 1>your family plan a service? Did you have a funeral

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<v Speaker 1>and people could come? And he's got three siblings so

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<v Speaker 1>their spouses. That was eight. It couldn't have been in

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<v Speaker 1>her church where she has been all her life, so

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<v Speaker 1>she couldn't even they couldn't even celebrate her there. So

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<v Speaker 1>it really has taken a toll, you know, because she

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<v Speaker 1>couldn't celebrate her life the way she really should have

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<v Speaker 1>been celebrate But you know, it was a blessing. It

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<v Speaker 1>was only ten, but it was a blessing. So you

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<v Speaker 1>didn't have any kind of repass or gathering after the

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<v Speaker 1>funeral either, right, did you have a few reviewing And

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of people came for that, So that was

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<v Speaker 1>a blessing. A lot of people were able to come

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<v Speaker 1>and we were able to communicate and and have a

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<v Speaker 1>little fellowship with them because the funeral home allowed us

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<v Speaker 1>to communicate on the outside. So the people went through

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<v Speaker 1>viewed her body and then came outside. Yeah, well for us,

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<v Speaker 1>we you know, we were able to have the viewing.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, even the simple thing is like, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>how you have the guest book where everybody's fine. Didn't

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<v Speaker 1>have that, and it's just like everybody having the mask

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<v Speaker 1>and not being able to hug people. And then for

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<v Speaker 1>the funeral it was the same. I felt like we

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<v Speaker 1>were allowed to have more people than ten, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>not even what you're allowed. People are graid. We didn't

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<v Speaker 1>even expect people to come out, because you know, we're

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<v Speaker 1>trying to protect and keep people safe as well. But

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<v Speaker 1>anybody that did take the time to come, you want

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<v Speaker 1>to be able to thank them, and and that's what

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<v Speaker 1>the repasses for. But it's also you know, an opportunity

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<v Speaker 1>to just continue the celebration and share stories and have

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<v Speaker 1>some joy about your loved one's life. And the idea

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<v Speaker 1>for me, the idea of not knowing of no family

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<v Speaker 1>member being able to to be with her in her

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<v Speaker 1>last hours, all the family members that didn't get an

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<v Speaker 1>opportunity to come and visit her one more time, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>you don't you don't know whether, well, did she pass

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<v Speaker 1>and they just came in the room and found her

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<v Speaker 1>or with somebody with her. It's a difficult time and

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<v Speaker 1>it's a really dreamely difficult time, and I think that's

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<v Speaker 1>one of the reasons why I wanted to bring it

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<v Speaker 1>up again, because, like I said in the beginning, there

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<v Speaker 1>were a lot of stories that you saw on CNN

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<v Speaker 1>when the pandemic first hit, but we have kind of

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<v Speaker 1>moved away from that part of this travesty, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>and I just kind of wanted to remind people because

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<v Speaker 1>I don't understand people's decision to refuse to wear a mask.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't understand people who still are acting like this

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<v Speaker 1>is fake news and acting as a business as usual,

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<v Speaker 1>its issues responsibility at the top. Well, yeah, I think

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<v Speaker 1>people have their own way of saying goodbye when there's

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<v Speaker 1>a loss. But is there anything that kind of stands

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<v Speaker 1>out in your mind that you maybe would have done

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<v Speaker 1>had you been able to have a funeral in a

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<v Speaker 1>normal time without the pandemic. I think the biggest thing

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<v Speaker 1>because she was a lifetime member of Evane's, a Batist church.

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<v Speaker 1>Great grandfather founded the church, so she's been there since

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<v Speaker 1>a child, so you know a lot of memories are

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<v Speaker 1>in that church. She was spent her life there literally,

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<v Speaker 1>that alone, it's pretty hard. Church members couldn't be there,

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<v Speaker 1>a pastor couldn't be there, you know, the celebration that

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<v Speaker 1>they would they would have had and they said they'll

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<v Speaker 1>do a memorial service once this is over, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>really not the same, you know, a memorial service. Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>to me, it will be a little different doing it

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<v Speaker 1>that way, And I agree. I think it is the gathering.

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<v Speaker 1>And I don't even think I realized just how important

0:13:57.920 --> 0:14:02.080
<v Speaker 1>that gathering and that repassed is. It's like your miss

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<v Speaker 1>the water until the well runs dry, right, And I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't realize just how important that celebration after the actual

0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:15.800
<v Speaker 1>funeral it really is. You know, sometimes I think people think, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just you're just going to eat. It's so much

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<v Speaker 1>more than that, much more, much more, so, much more

0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:26.640
<v Speaker 1>than that, And there's so much comfort that you get

0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:31.840
<v Speaker 1>from sharing stories and celebration of the life of the

0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:36.320
<v Speaker 1>person who has transitioned. Where did you find comfort during

0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:40.960
<v Speaker 1>this time and not being able to do that, well, Adrian,

0:14:41.000 --> 0:14:42.880
<v Speaker 1>I don't even know if I found comforting. I think

0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:46.560
<v Speaker 1>I'll we just have to accept where we are, because

0:14:46.560 --> 0:14:49.040
<v Speaker 1>if you really think about it, you know, all her nieces,

0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:52.280
<v Speaker 1>her nephews, her grands they all couldn't be present. She

0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:56.280
<v Speaker 1>was well loved, so you just had to accept it

0:14:56.520 --> 0:15:00.000
<v Speaker 1>for what it is. That's no real closure. Yes, that's

0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:03.040
<v Speaker 1>a key word, Mona. That that's how I felt. I

0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:07.080
<v Speaker 1>felt like there was no real closure, you know. And

0:15:07.200 --> 0:15:10.600
<v Speaker 1>my husband days after it was like, what's going on?

0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:14.680
<v Speaker 1>And I couldn't quite put my finger on exactly what

0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:17.160
<v Speaker 1>it was. What It's almost like it was the whole

0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:20.800
<v Speaker 1>process was rushed. Yes, we're able to take your time

0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:24.240
<v Speaker 1>and just reminisce on the memories and reminisce on how

0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:29.120
<v Speaker 1>people are celebrating her. Yeah. So yeah, you know, and

0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:33.480
<v Speaker 1>once again recognizing that it's not the fault of anyone,

0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:38.480
<v Speaker 1>recognizing that this is just what is needed during these

0:15:38.560 --> 0:15:42.440
<v Speaker 1>times to try to keep people safe, you know, and

0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:48.160
<v Speaker 1>and protect it. So I want to end this conversation

0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:53.760
<v Speaker 1>on a positive note. If we can tell me something

0:15:54.920 --> 0:16:01.440
<v Speaker 1>really good or maybe a sweet memory about your miss Katherine.

0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:04.280
<v Speaker 1>Miss Katherine, I'm gonna tell you Miss Katherine was. She

0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:08.760
<v Speaker 1>was a type the type of lady that she didn't

0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:12.960
<v Speaker 1>hold back what she wanted to tell you. Yes, and

0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.720
<v Speaker 1>she and I would just laugh. My husband would say, Mike,

0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:18.040
<v Speaker 1>you can't say that. You can't say that, you know,

0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:20.600
<v Speaker 1>but you know, she would just say how she felt

0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:23.080
<v Speaker 1>and I would laugh because it was funny to me.

0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:25.280
<v Speaker 1>With Earth said don't laugh because it's not funny. Yes

0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:27.360
<v Speaker 1>it is, it really is. She's been on this earth

0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:30.640
<v Speaker 1>ninety two years. Let her say and let her do

0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:32.960
<v Speaker 1>what she wants. But that's just how she was. She

0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:35.560
<v Speaker 1>just said said how she felt, and it was funny

0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:38.080
<v Speaker 1>to me, you know, because she liked to laugh and

0:16:38.120 --> 0:16:40.920
<v Speaker 1>so do I. Yeah, that was that was a good

0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:45.240
<v Speaker 1>memory for me. Yeah, my mother and Misschi was the

0:16:45.280 --> 0:16:50.240
<v Speaker 1>same way as she always would say what was on

0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:52.880
<v Speaker 1>her mind. But I think the thing that really will

0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:56.680
<v Speaker 1>stick with me so much is how much she loved

0:16:56.720 --> 0:17:04.440
<v Speaker 1>her family. She loved her family, loved her grandkids and

0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:09.840
<v Speaker 1>her extended family, and she was just such a giving woman.

0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:13.840
<v Speaker 1>You know. Another thing that that sticks out for me

0:17:14.160 --> 0:17:16.760
<v Speaker 1>is that she was a wonderful cook. And we don't

0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:20.560
<v Speaker 1>have that. Yeah, no, we don't share my family because

0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:25.679
<v Speaker 1>I'm not I'm not good cook, you know. She was

0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:28.239
<v Speaker 1>was always a good cook, and that was that was

0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:31.280
<v Speaker 1>her way of showing love to her family, was was

0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:35.280
<v Speaker 1>cooking a good old meal. So even though we we

0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:39.840
<v Speaker 1>had such a devastating laws during the pandemic mona, we

0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:46.640
<v Speaker 1>we had these wonderful memories. Right yeah, yeah, So my

0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:49.360
<v Speaker 1>best to Eric, and thank you so much for being

0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:52.640
<v Speaker 1>willing to come on and share your story. Not a problem,

0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:55.520
<v Speaker 1>not a problem. Hopefully somebody will will hear it and

0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:58.240
<v Speaker 1>it'll help them to know that we get we'll get

0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:01.080
<v Speaker 1>through it. We're getting through it, you know, as hard

0:18:01.119 --> 0:18:02.960
<v Speaker 1>as it is, as hard as as it was, we're

0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:06.240
<v Speaker 1>getting through it. Right. I just want to remind people

0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:11.880
<v Speaker 1>that the pandemic it's not over. Please please please wear

0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:14.760
<v Speaker 1>a mask, if not to protect you, then to protect

0:18:15.000 --> 0:18:21.080
<v Speaker 1>your somebody else, somebody else. Wash your hands, wear a mask, yes, yes,

0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:26.520
<v Speaker 1>thank you so much. All right, take care. The only

0:18:26.560 --> 0:18:31.199
<v Speaker 1>takeaway that I have is that this for now is

0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:35.879
<v Speaker 1>the new normal, and everyone's journey to find enclosure and

0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:41.639
<v Speaker 1>peace will be different. Please remember to the guidelines for

0:18:41.920 --> 0:18:48.480
<v Speaker 1>safe distancing, Wash your hands, and please please please wear

0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:59.960
<v Speaker 1>a mask positively. GAM is produced by Westbrook Audio Exact.

0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:05.479
<v Speaker 1>The producers Adrian Vanfield, Narris, Jada Pinkett Smith, Amanda Brown

0:19:05.800 --> 0:19:12.000
<v Speaker 1>and Fallon jethro Co. Executive producer sim Hoti, Segment producer

0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:19.440
<v Speaker 1>Ash Francis, Associate producer Erica Ron, editor and mixer Calvin

0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:24.080
<v Speaker 1>Bayliss positively. Gam is in partnership with Art nineteen