Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central September sixty, two thousand and.
Speaker 2: Eight from Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.
Speaker 3: This is the Daily Show with John Stewards.
Speaker 4: Really a comment, thank you very much, Thank you please
Speaker 4: sit working with Dally show we're co start.
Speaker 1: Thank you, amazing fan, fabulous program.
Speaker 5: Pretty much.
Speaker 1: I really can I say this. I really am surprised
Speaker 1: you still have the strength. Quite frankly.
Speaker 2: We've had the people in the audience for going some time.
Speaker 2: It's like the Shackleton Expedition here tonight.
Speaker 1: They're not an audience. They are diverse. One part comedy,
Speaker 1: weever settle down.
Speaker 2: Tonight' show one part comedy, one partners, two parts magic.
Speaker 1: Ricky Gervais is gonna be our guest.
Speaker 2: Is I'm assuming he is backstage as we speak asleep. Well, obviously,
Speaker 2: yesterday we pretty much covered everything there was the cover.
Speaker 2: The only thing I asked we didn't talk about is
Speaker 2: we'll get that Miley Cyrus here.
Speaker 1: He's got a new boyfriend. He's hunky. Apparently she broke
Speaker 1: up with this guy.
Speaker 2: Uh, but I hope with this new guy she takes
Speaker 2: it slow, makes a choice that reflects her small town values.
Speaker 1: Remember, Miley, you're sixteen year young.
Speaker 2: We've got a whole year ahead of you before you
Speaker 2: should get knocked up and married. So that's our show.
Speaker 2: Good night, everybody, unless is there any other issue.
Speaker 1: I'm forgetting what is.
Speaker 6: The Obviously one of the biggest stories of the day
Speaker 6: is what's happening in our final.
Speaker 1: Markets financial markets?
Speaker 2: Right yesterday, the down industrial fell five hundred points following
Speaker 2: the largest bankruptcy in American history. Lehman Brothers collapsed after
Speaker 2: one hundred and fifty eight years after leaving the business
Speaker 2: in the hands of the youngest.
Speaker 1: Lehman brother, Bongo.
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, fellow financial giant Merrill Lynch was saved from the
Speaker 2: scrap heap with the Bank of American buy out, making
Speaker 2: Merrill Lynch's famous mascot so sad she is now refusing
Speaker 2: to comb his genitals.
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, dude, can't you corn row that bank? Both
Speaker 1: looks like Troy Palamolah with the Steelers. But don't worry.
Speaker 2: Lehman's commercial real estate is insured by the massive American
Speaker 2: International Group, better known as notorious AIG, which today what's
Speaker 2: that nearly collapsed?
Speaker 4: Why?
Speaker 2: Because AIG actually sought to solve their financial problems seriously
Speaker 2: by lending money to themselves.
Speaker 1: Try that sometime. Oh you know, I'm down to my
Speaker 1: last dollar.
Speaker 4: Well excuse me, I think I can help you. Oh why,
Speaker 4: thank you. I truly appreciate that you've doubled my money.
Speaker 4: But come on, seriously, how bad can it really be?
Speaker 3: They're concerned about the adjustments that are taking place in
Speaker 3: our financial markets.
Speaker 1: Oh it's adjustments. That sounds incredibly minor.
Speaker 2: I wonder if anyone else has framed the issue differently.
Speaker 1: There was blood on the floor at the end of
Speaker 1: trading on Wall Street. Today, a financial sunam is one
Speaker 1: of the ugliest days I have ever seen. Nightmare on
Speaker 1: Wall Street.
Speaker 7: The atomic bomb almost army get him a nine on
Speaker 7: the Richter scale.
Speaker 2: Something of a financial hurricane hitting the United States today.
Speaker 1: So there you go, two different opinions.
Speaker 2: And apocalypse and adjustments, the state of the American economy
Speaker 2: lying somewhere between the four horsemen riding steeds and wielding
Speaker 2: blades of fury over charthellscape, and something you get at
Speaker 2: your chiropractor. That's your range, America, go confidently and plan
Speaker 2: your financial future. I'd like to hear from an expert
Speaker 2: let's go to the Secretary of the Treasury. Appears to
Speaker 2: be mister munster.
Speaker 6: Terry Paulson has graciously given us some of his time today.
Speaker 6: He doesn't have an endless supply of it, so please
Speaker 6: keep that in mind.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, we're running out of time too. We've
Speaker 1: got no money and no time.
Speaker 2: What about air? All right, here it come. He's a
Speaker 2: very busy man. No time for small talk. Let's get
Speaker 2: right to it.
Speaker 1: Seriously.
Speaker 5: Good and everyone, and I hope you all had an
Speaker 5: enjoyable weekend.
Speaker 1: Ah h you're bad at what you do.
Speaker 2: Yes, I hope my little joke distracted you from the
Speaker 2: fact that you've lost everything. Hey, here's an economic indicator.
Speaker 2: This economy is so bad that the first thing the
Speaker 2: Treasury Secretary does is protect his own job.
Speaker 1: The President has been a great boss as we work
Speaker 1: through here. He's been focused on the right thing.
Speaker 5: I strongly support his economic policies.
Speaker 1: Please don't send me back to the private sector. Those
Speaker 1: people sleep in their courts.
Speaker 2: Senior financial analyst Asif Monvey has been monitoring the situation
Speaker 2: on Wall Street all day. He joins us now a sip.
Speaker 2: Thanks for joining us, every job. Thank you, as we're
Speaker 2: where's your hair?
Speaker 1: Ossif hair.
Speaker 7: On a financial analyst?
Speaker 8: Come on, John, I was just downtown taping an episode
Speaker 8: of my new financial show, The Bald Guy and the
Speaker 8: Hot Chick Talk Money.
Speaker 1: Is that a Is that on this network? It's not
Speaker 1: on any network. But don't tell the hot Chick that?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: AESI, But as if we've seen banks failing, we've seen
Speaker 2: others merging under duress.
Speaker 1: How bad is it down there? Well, it's changing quickly. Obviously.
Speaker 8: Yesterday this was Merrill Lynch, Today it's Bank of America
Speaker 8: Merrill Lynch.
Speaker 7: A fluid situation, but people should remain calm.
Speaker 1: This is normal, Ossif? How is this normal?
Speaker 2: Shoddy lending practice is taking down three fists of the
Speaker 2: nation's story banking institutions.
Speaker 8: Well, an uptick and financial kit, Yeah, an upticking financial
Speaker 8: chaos and disaster can always be.
Speaker 1: Expected in this political season.
Speaker 8: These bankers follow American elections very closely, and I'm sure
Speaker 8: that this is their attempt to influence our democracy.
Speaker 1: I think if there's been another merger that happened as
Speaker 1: you were, Yeah, no, it appears that way, so ausif
Speaker 1: who are the bankers trying to throw the election to Democrats?
Speaker 1: What but the Democrats. The Democrats are for more regulation.
Speaker 8: Hey, hey, I didn't say these guys were smart. Have
Speaker 8: you seen the loans they've been given out around here?
Speaker 8: Nehow our new neighbors.
Speaker 2: Things seem to be moving very quickly down there as
Speaker 2: different buyers step in.
Speaker 7: Yes, yes it does.
Speaker 8: No huh, it seems some buyers have moved in to
Speaker 8: take advantage of the distressed asset pricing.
Speaker 1: Uh, I am one of you.
Speaker 7: Do not fear me.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Austin vast if MANVI. Everybody, good luck down
Speaker 2: it will be got back.
Speaker 1: Welcome, Thank you so much. Now, while the crisis on
Speaker 1: thank you kindly.
Speaker 2: While the crisis on Wall Street will ultimately affect millions
Speaker 2: of Americans, yesterday the crisis affected four Americans in a
Speaker 2: deeply personal way.
Speaker 5: The American economy is in a crisis, the.
Speaker 1: Most serious financial crisis that we've seen in generation.
Speaker 3: The crisis that you've been facing on Main Street is
Speaker 3: now hitting Wall Street.
Speaker 4: Let me tell you something that's going on today in
Speaker 4: our world, particularly here in our nation, that needs some
Speaker 4: shaking up and some fixing.
Speaker 1: Did she win a contest? What is it? A calling?
Speaker 1: We got to do some shaking I see what's happening here.
Speaker 2: It's an economic crisis, complicated issue. The solution is needed
Speaker 2: are probably unpopular, undoubtedly confusing. Perhaps it's time for a
Speaker 2: good old fashioned candidates generic off, generic.
Speaker 1: Off, brought to you by soap and food. Food, it's
Speaker 1: what's for eating.
Speaker 2: The players flipped a coin to see who go first,
Speaker 2: but the coin was repossessed.
Speaker 7: What the heck?
Speaker 1: Let's hear from the junior senator from Illinois. We're going
Speaker 1: to get the economy back on track and our financial
Speaker 1: institutions back on track.
Speaker 2: Well in sir, forceful, sounding totally empty, like a hallopinnata.
Speaker 1: Republicans. Your response, We've got to fix it.
Speaker 7: We've got to fix it, and we will.
Speaker 1: We must fix it.
Speaker 2: We must use some tortive tool, an economic fixing tool
Speaker 2: that was.
Speaker 1: Made in America.
Speaker 2: Mccaina, Wait, Joe Biden, you're in Michigan talking to auto workers.
Speaker 1: Give me a generic I'm a UAW guy.
Speaker 3: I never belong to you, but I'm a United States
Speaker 3: Senator because of the UAW.
Speaker 2: This is not a panda off. This is a generic off.
Speaker 2: Come on, man, take another swing.
Speaker 3: I count John McCain as a personal friend. I don't
Speaker 3: doubt that John cares. He just doesn't think. He doesn't
Speaker 3: think that we have any responsibility to help people or hurting.
Speaker 1: Is this not a passive aggressive off? Is a generica?
Speaker 2: John McKain is a good man. He's just a horrible
Speaker 2: human being. He's a brave he's a brave soldier, but
Speaker 2: a stupid idiot.
Speaker 1: He kills babies. I love them. He's terrible.
Speaker 2: This is a huge opening for the Republicans. Biden has
Speaker 2: advocated the generic off. Let's hear from could possibly be
Speaker 2: President Palin.
Speaker 7: This crisis happened for several reasons.
Speaker 2: Whoa, whoa, there is a generic off reasons. That's dangerous territory.
Speaker 2: Tread carefully. I hope there are generic reasons.
Speaker 7: Several reasons which have to be addressed right now.
Speaker 1: You've given us a what and a when. Don't give
Speaker 1: us a how.
Speaker 6: Guys and gals, Our regulatory system is outdated and it
Speaker 6: needs a complete overhaul.
Speaker 4: Oh, guys and gals, dudes and dames, don't pay any
Speaker 4: attention to what she said.
Speaker 1: Do not heed her call. She is not actually suggesting.
Speaker 2: The government be responsible for regulating in the financial markets
Speaker 2: in any way.
Speaker 1: Brohemes and Betty's our economy will.
Speaker 3: Grow and we will get government out of the way
Speaker 3: of private sector progress.
Speaker 2: Great save, she only got specific enough to completely contradict herself.
Speaker 1: We need more regulation.
Speaker 2: We need more regulations so that we can get government
Speaker 2: out of the economy and then normal people's brains can explode.
Speaker 2: All right, Johnny mccainey, she set him up, mow him down.
Speaker 5: Still, The fundamental sharro of our economy are strong.
Speaker 1: No, that is generic, but is also wrong.
Speaker 2: She wasn't talking about crisis. You know what's gonna happen now, Oh,
Speaker 2: in a few hours.
Speaker 5: Fundamentals of our economy are strong. The fundamental sharro of
Speaker 5: our economy are strong, strong, and wrong.
Speaker 7: Don't you know?
Speaker 2: The internet moves quickly now, so it looks like curtains
Speaker 2: for Senator McCain but asn't any generic off. You get
Speaker 2: one last chance to go into the retraction chamber, where
Speaker 2: you can either take back what you said about the
Speaker 2: fundamentals of our economy or fundamentally try to change the
Speaker 2: meaning of the word fundamental.
Speaker 5: I was talking about the fundamentals of America, which is
Speaker 5: the workers, their productivity, their innovation, their incredible performance for many,
Speaker 5: many years.
Speaker 1: Sure you are, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
Speaker 2: That was John McCain speaking from his new Circular Talk Express.
Speaker 7: Whatever those you.
Speaker 1: Really have done like it is John mccainy.
Speaker 2: Apparently John McCain is the only pow who was brainwashed
Speaker 2: after his captivity.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Welcome Mark my guest tonight, one
Speaker 1: of our favorites, a.
Speaker 2: Very funny actor comedian an HBO special coming up in November.
Speaker 1: His latest film is called ghost Town.
Speaker 9: When he's welcome back to the shot, ricking your days
Speaker 9: crowd one dessert, Thank you very much.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you something? And I don't and I'm not.
Speaker 1: Obviously you're not normal.
Speaker 2: You look and I'm trying to come up with the
Speaker 2: right word because obviously you're a British sophistic kid.
Speaker 1: You look. If I may smart, is that you? Well?
Speaker 10: Last time I was on, you had a sue and
Speaker 10: you said it also hides your paunch, so I thought
Speaker 10: I'll put a sue on and you know, look unlike
Speaker 10: that scruffy bull at the beginning.
Speaker 7: Did you see the dreadlocks on that ball are coned?
Speaker 6: So there.
Speaker 7: I'd show you, but I'm.
Speaker 1: If I may go on, No, No, you're not iss.
Speaker 1: You out I'll tell you what I do. I have
Speaker 1: mine has a bald spot, so I do a call over.
Speaker 2: Oh that's good, and you can never tell until I
Speaker 2: get out of the shower and then.
Speaker 7: But you do you put you put it to and
Speaker 7: welcome to talk.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you just you just pitched yourself a new Comedy
Speaker 2: Central franchise, and my friend, they're gonna love that.
Speaker 1: Now, how are how are you doing here? Here's what
Speaker 1: I like about you.
Speaker 2: You're always a bright man, always almost a renaissance man
Speaker 2: of sorts.
Speaker 1: I find a man of a wealth of.
Speaker 7: I'm not proving it at the moment, as you're you.
Speaker 1: Know, but but in your brain I find that you have.
Speaker 1: You're You're a fact man.
Speaker 10: If I may, I'd love, Yes, I do. I think
Speaker 10: that's because I'm a man, though. I think that's good.
Speaker 10: Don't have to be clever. Men love facts. I think
Speaker 10: that's don't you think male? They love this retention of
Speaker 10: pointless trivia and like women.
Speaker 2: That I'm a pointless I just assumed it was things
Speaker 2: you pick up, but you don't think women not.
Speaker 7: I do it my stand up as well. I just
Speaker 7: sometimes just read, you know, I love it.
Speaker 10: On the internet. You can go to these places. They
Speaker 10: just got websites for facts. There's no why like Wikipedia.
Speaker 10: But you people can anyone can go on. You can't
Speaker 10: do it in the library. You can't do an incitelopedia.
Speaker 10: Just get it down and start changing it in a library.
Speaker 10: So some of them are furious, but I I'm One
Speaker 10: of my favorite facts is you can lead a cow
Speaker 10: upstairs but not down.
Speaker 7: And that's true.
Speaker 10: I checked out because their joints don't oppose. But the
Speaker 10: first thing I thought, I was the poor I was
Speaker 10: the poor man who found that out the hard way.
Speaker 7: Just come on, Daisy, down you go. I can't go downstairs.
Speaker 7: My job.
Speaker 10: I don't care about your joints. My wife's gonna be
Speaker 10: having five minutes get down the stairs.
Speaker 7: But it's true. It's a but it's a true.
Speaker 1: But I can't believe the cow was not in more
Speaker 1: of a hurry.
Speaker 10: Then well exactly, Well, actually that's not a point this
Speaker 10: fact you might I know now never to Yes, yeah,
Speaker 10: I think that's right.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 2: My guess is though, if you really had to get
Speaker 2: a cow downstairs, you could do it.
Speaker 7: You could. I mean, I think I think you I
Speaker 7: could coax it some way.
Speaker 1: You could. You could push the cat. It's not like
Speaker 1: the cow could die.
Speaker 7: Could show it my lovely comb.
Speaker 1: Give me another fact, give me something more like bats.
Speaker 7: Or his exit a cave to the left. True, it's true.
Speaker 10: Well, when you are animal, there's two million of you
Speaker 10: living in a hole, you've got to have a system
Speaker 10: otherwise it's chaos. So they go right, we're going out together. Whoa,
Speaker 10: what do you mean we're going to go all go left?
Speaker 7: Fine? And it works?
Speaker 1: Is that really?
Speaker 7: That's really a real fact.
Speaker 1: We should try that in the subway. I would like
Speaker 1: to see that in the subway.
Speaker 10: Everybody to the left, even if it's not the way
Speaker 10: you want to go. There'd be less bumping in.
Speaker 1: That's exactly right.
Speaker 7: There are a thousand types of that, a thousand types
Speaker 7: of bats.
Speaker 1: And all go to the left. No one bat, there's
Speaker 1: no one type of this is the right going back?
Speaker 7: Are you idiot? It would be thousands?
Speaker 1: Very tis Do they live together or separate?
Speaker 10: They're yeah, yeah, But I think it's nitpicking. You don't
Speaker 10: need that many types of bat. I think I think
Speaker 10: a lot of them are very close. I think that
Speaker 10: re search sort of scientists get paid by the species,
Speaker 10: so they go another one well, that's just that's just
Speaker 10: a fat pipistrolle.
Speaker 2: No, you need scientists are working strictly on a volume.
Speaker 2: I think basis that they're they're getting money. Are all
Speaker 2: of your facts coming from when you're high late at
Speaker 2: night watching National Geographic?
Speaker 1: Do you have any facts that are based in daylight?
Speaker 7: I do watch a lot.
Speaker 10: Now I'm trying to rejucout myself, so I do watch
Speaker 10: a lot of History Channel, Discovery Channel, History Channel, Discovery Channel.
Speaker 7: Ask me anything about sharks and Nazis?
Speaker 1: No, no, I do direction. Do Nazis move when they
Speaker 1: walk out of.
Speaker 7: The polar Bears are left handed? That's true, it's true
Speaker 7: and just.
Speaker 1: But why would that matter? Polar bears they don't play tennis,
Speaker 1: they don't write.
Speaker 7: No, they don't write a polar bear.
Speaker 1: What does you do that would require handedness?
Speaker 7: Left? Left hand?
Speaker 10: The people don't live as long, So maybe all polar
Speaker 10: bears don't live as long as if they would if
Speaker 10: you show them how to use their right hand.
Speaker 7: And right This is none of that. A polar bear
Speaker 7: will cover.
Speaker 10: Its black nose to camouflage itself more completely during a hunt.
Speaker 7: Think of that. So it's creeping up on a little articare,
Speaker 7: and the artcare looks around, and the polar bear goes,
Speaker 7: it's true. It's not a fact, that's an opinion.
Speaker 1: It's an avilion. You check it out. They might not
Speaker 1: be hiding, they may be allergic. You don't know.
Speaker 7: Starfish have no brains. I don't know if that's literally.
Speaker 1: Or ghost Town will be in theaters on Friday. Go
Speaker 1: see it. And when when you leave the theater to
Speaker 1: the left, everyone in the laft light and eleven you're a.
Speaker 2: Momentosan tonight, the first Dude of Alaska goes on the record.
Speaker 6: Yes, we are talking about Governor Sarah Palin's husband.
Speaker 1: First dude or mister first dude? Do you know the
Speaker 1: first dude? Even mister first dude sounds a little funny.
Speaker 1: I means you're gonna be like second dude, or I mean,
Speaker 1: have you thought about that at all.
Speaker 2: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 2: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
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