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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie, and this is makes and welcome

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Speaker 1: to stuff. I never told your protection of I heart

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Speaker 1: radios how stuff works. And I have just gotten back

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Speaker 1: from vacation, so I thought I would devote this entire

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Speaker 1: episode two pictures of my trip. I'm just going to

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Speaker 1: describe them in detail. And I know that people love that. Right. Well,

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Speaker 1: I'm not bitter at looking at all the pictures of

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Speaker 1: you guys being in Hawaii while I was sitting here

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Speaker 1: going I don't want to do extra work I was

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Speaker 1: working in but still better, that's fair. My body is

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Speaker 1: very bitter. It is making bitterness. And know I was

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Speaker 1: trying to get you to come out immediately. I'm like, hey,

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Speaker 1: hey you're back, come do this with us. We went

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Speaker 1: to a protest, Come do with us with us, and

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Speaker 1: my body was like, you were hiding in a dark

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Speaker 1: corner until this head it goes away. Um. But if

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Speaker 1: I sound a little bit rusty or otherwise rusty, um,

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say stuff he knows, but then I didn't,

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Speaker 1: and then I did so and that was there there,

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Speaker 1: it is, that's why. But she had too much fun

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Speaker 1: in Hawaii. I had too much fun. And my body

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Speaker 1: is officially like go back. M. Yes, well I do too.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, this is a part two of UM, an

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Speaker 1: episode we did with multiple interviews on B D, S,

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Speaker 1: M S M, kin, yeah and UM. In classic Smithy style,

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Speaker 1: we didn't well a lot of times when you interview people,

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Speaker 1: you're not entirely sure what's going to happen, because you

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Speaker 1: want to let the people tell you UM and just

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Speaker 1: naturally have a conversation, and then you make the episode

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Speaker 1: from that. So UM, it's funny because I'm not sure.

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Speaker 1: We realized it was going to be a two parter

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Speaker 1: and then I left and now here we are. But

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Speaker 1: and then we realized, oh my gosh, we've got such

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Speaker 1: good content, we can't just limit to one. Yes, UM,

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Speaker 1: So before we get into this, UM warning, not safe

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Speaker 1: for work, perhaps at least loudly, like once again that

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Speaker 1: we said last time, unless you're trying to get fired

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Speaker 1: or get really weird or good looks. I don't I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know, we don't know. You might

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Speaker 1: work from home. Right even though this this is not

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Speaker 1: it shouldn't be this not safe. I guess like there

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Speaker 1: is type of level of UM discretion. Is that the word?

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Speaker 1: I want? Censorship? Censorship is the word that shouldn't be

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Speaker 1: censored like this because this is a natural part of

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Speaker 1: human pleasure. And we're not really going to two graphic

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Speaker 1: of details, but just to protect yourself. Yeah, in what

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Speaker 1: of environment you're working with? So show me my government environment.

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Speaker 1: If I had this on blast, I would get talking

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Speaker 1: to you. Don't want to get it talking to you. UM.

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Speaker 1: And so also with that, this is part two, so

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Speaker 1: we would recommend listening to part one. Part one was

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Speaker 1: much more of a kind of baseline beginners of yeah

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Speaker 1: terms and sort of overview of what this world of

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Speaker 1: kink and b D s M can look like. And

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Speaker 1: in this one we're gonna talk more about UM, feminism

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Speaker 1: and diversity and some advice for for newbies and UM.

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Speaker 1: Before we get into these interviews, we did want to

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Speaker 1: talk a little bit about fetishes UM, which is a

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Speaker 1: long time ago. Again at the very beginning of Hey,

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Speaker 1: we could keep going with this, we could do a podcast. UM.

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Speaker 1: We both agree that when we personally here fetish, the

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Speaker 1: first thing that we think of is foot fetish and

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Speaker 1: then Asian fetish second it UM, but this is a

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Speaker 1: whole big world with a lot more folks involved in it.

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Speaker 1: Than you might think, right, And we were talking about

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Speaker 1: the fact that we don't hear because we were talking

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Speaker 1: about this someone the last episode. We don't hear too

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Speaker 1: many people talking about it in regards to what women

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Speaker 1: like and fetishes, because when I think of like Asian fetishes,

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Speaker 1: it's me thinking of, Hey, is that guy who has

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Speaker 1: a large collection of anime, which is not wrong, but

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Speaker 1: then has this idealized fantasy of that Asian women are

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Speaker 1: the specific type of person that can turn him on. Um.

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Speaker 1: And then we also did talk about the foot fetish,

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Speaker 1: because it's always a joke and you shouldn't be if

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Speaker 1: you're into that, you do you boo. Um. But like,

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Speaker 1: like that was a conversation, is what does this look like?

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Speaker 1: Do women have food fetishes? Yeah? Because again the foot fetish,

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Speaker 1: when I think of it, it is very male, right yeah,

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Speaker 1: And um yeah, just a it's funny because I accidentally

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Speaker 1: copied and pasted UM. I always copy and paste the

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Speaker 1: end because essentially say the same thing, and I copied

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Speaker 1: and pasted the ending from the part one of this

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Speaker 1: and I included um consent in all caps. And I

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Speaker 1: was thinking maybe I should just start seeing episode. But

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Speaker 1: that that's another important part of this conversation when you're

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Speaker 1: talking about like foot fetishes, there's nothing wrong with that,

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Speaker 1: consensual whatever. If you're an adult and you're happy and

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Speaker 1: you're not violating anybody's rights and you consent to this,

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Speaker 1: have that at BOO. Yes, um, and we do have

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Speaker 1: some numbers, although you know these are hard to get

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Speaker 1: to write. UK survey from Erotic Purveyor and Summers found

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Speaker 1: of the two thousand three d people surveyed reported having

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Speaker 1: at least one fetish, thought that there is a stigma

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Speaker 1: attached to having a fetish, and seventy respondents said that

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Speaker 1: they were into b dsment reported at having more than

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Speaker 1: one fetish, and of those folks said they acted out

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Speaker 1: more than one of those fetishes at a time. Almost

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Speaker 1: half of people act out fetishes on a weekly basis,

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Speaker 1: and over said that they wanted to act on a

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Speaker 1: fetish with someone else as opposed to doing it solow

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Speaker 1: and around go to meet up our clubs around their fetishes.

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Speaker 1: A different study found that half of women do not

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Speaker 1: want their fantasies to become a reality, which I do

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Speaker 1: think is a very important point. Fantasy is a fantasy,

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Speaker 1: sometimes you want it to be reality. Sometimes you don't write.

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Speaker 1: You just want that to stay in your mind. You

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Speaker 1: don't want the real life thing because they could ruin

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Speaker 1: what you have in your mind. Oh that's true. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's not what I was thinking. That's I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: that's good. Researchers sampled a little over one thousand residents

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Speaker 1: of Quebec and found that four of the eight anomalous

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Speaker 1: sexual behaviors in the d s MB weren't anomalous at all.

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Speaker 1: Over half of those surveys were interested in at least

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Speaker 1: one of these anomalous behaviors. We're into voyeurism, and nineteen

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Speaker 1: that we're into fetishism for example. A Right, I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna say this. You said d S M B. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: do you mean the DSM five? What is that Roman letters? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it actually caused a kind of funny misunderstanding between

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Speaker 1: a friend of mine about the movie V for Vendetta

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Speaker 1: because she said five for Vendetta and I was like,

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Speaker 1: it's definitely not five for Vendetta, And it resulted in

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Speaker 1: like a thirty minute discussion. That's interesting, Yeah, because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I stopped when I saw that, As she said she

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Speaker 1: said v Yeah, you don't want to apologize. I just

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Speaker 1: loved that. I was like, anybody say it like that.

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Speaker 1: I think it's left over from my discussion around B

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Speaker 1: for Vendetta. But I've gotten some serious trouble writing a

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Speaker 1: message that was a play on the remember Rember the

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Speaker 1: fifth of November on my college wall, and I had

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Speaker 1: to publicly wash it off. Anyway, my bad aback college

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Speaker 1: never is. I don't averting. Two different things keep going.

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Speaker 1: Um and foot fetish is the highest bodied part fetish

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Speaker 1: foot fetish. So when we say fetishes, I have to

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Speaker 1: ask because, um, I know you and I've talked before

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Speaker 1: because we talk about people being a chrid too specific

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Speaker 1: body parts, so we joke about being an ass man,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, or a boot person, or

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Speaker 1: for women, talk about the arms, you know, strong hands.

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Speaker 1: Could that be fetish or is that just an attraction?

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Speaker 1: I think I think it's a fine line. It's a

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Speaker 1: fine line, right. I guess it has a lot to

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Speaker 1: do with sexual arousal. Yeah. Um. The The Official Dictionary

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Speaker 1: definition for fetish is a form of sexual desire in

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Speaker 1: which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a

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Speaker 1: particular object item of clothing, part of body, etcetera. So

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Speaker 1: I guess abnormal degree, I would almost. I don't know

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Speaker 1: that that use of that word is a little interesting,

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Speaker 1: but UM, I think it goes beyond like, oh I

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Speaker 1: like hands. It's like hands consume a lot of your thoughts.

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Speaker 1: Perhaps are there's a real sexual desire as opposed to

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Speaker 1: just oh I like hands. It's like oh turned on

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Speaker 1: by the hand. Strong hands can be oh I have

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Speaker 1: a friend. Yeah, but that's kind of just UM A

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Speaker 1: very quick look at fetish and UM. When we did

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Speaker 1: these interviews, we discussed we touched on fetishes briefly. UM,

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Speaker 1: so we want to include that in there, but it

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Speaker 1: didn't come up as much as we thought that they might. UM.

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Speaker 1: So that you know, as always, we could come back

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Speaker 1: and do you do a whole thing on on fetishes,

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Speaker 1: and perhaps we will. We probably will. But in the meantime,

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Speaker 1: we do have all of this other content about b

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Speaker 1: d S, M and kink and we will get to that.

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Speaker 1: But first we're gonna get into a quick break for

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Speaker 1: a word from our sponsor M and we're back, thank

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Speaker 1: you sponsor. So UM, like we said, probably this sting

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Speaker 1: to part one will be very helpful but just as

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Speaker 1: a either reminder or primer. Um, who are we speaking? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so again we're gonna bring back Sammy, Lily, Moxie, and

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Speaker 1: Rima who were generous enough to come and speak about, uh,

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Speaker 1: their interests in kink and their experiences. I've found out

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Speaker 1: several of them teach classes and or our leaders in

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Speaker 1: several groups in the B D s M kink world. Uh.

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Speaker 1: So they came in, gave us a little bit of

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Speaker 1: a glimpse into the world, and so here you go,

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Speaker 1: they're going to speak a little more. One question both

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Speaker 1: Samantha and I had was, um, what is it like

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Speaker 1: being in this world? What does it feel like? Why

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Speaker 1: do you like it? And that is a couple of questions,

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Speaker 1: but you get it. And so we asked all of

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Speaker 1: our interviewees about that, and the first two voices you're

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Speaker 1: gonna hear are Sammy and Lily and then Rima and

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Speaker 1: then MAXI. So for me, I really like the endorphin

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Speaker 1: rush that pain causes. Um, that's the thing that initially

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Speaker 1: like got me hooked. You know, if someone is biting

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Speaker 1: me and pulling my hair and like doing all those things,

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Speaker 1: I I get these crazy endorphin rushes. That just don't

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Speaker 1: happen um any other really way. Like you know, Lily

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Speaker 1: was saying that some people don't enjoy sex until they

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Speaker 1: find the kink world. I enjoyed sex, but I definitely

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Speaker 1: enjoyed rough sex more. And I think that you know,

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Speaker 1: there will be times that like, oh, I'm like about

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Speaker 1: to come or something, and and my partner will like

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Speaker 1: bite me or pull my hair, and like that's the

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Speaker 1: thing that really triggers it and gets pushes you past

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Speaker 1: the that next point. Um. And with impact, I mean

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Speaker 1: it can feel like you're drunk sometimes, Like at some

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Speaker 1: point a switch flips for me and my body in

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Speaker 1: order to like handle the pain turns it into pleasure.

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Speaker 1: So like I'll be getting hit and it literally will

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Speaker 1: just feel like bursts of like excitement or something not

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Speaker 1: necessarily sexual pleasure. But um, like you're just like everything's great, uh,

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Speaker 1: and it's just so bizarre that your body does this

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Speaker 1: crazy thing. Um, but I love it. And then you're

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Speaker 1: just like a little soup puddle of a person afterwards.

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Speaker 1: And like I used to, we do a thing called

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Speaker 1: aftercare in the community, so like after you give beat

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Speaker 1: yes that and so that's also pre negotiated um. And

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Speaker 1: I used to say no aftercare. I don't like that

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Speaker 1: because I was very much not trying to get attached

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Speaker 1: to anyone. UM. But now that I have, you know,

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Speaker 1: a primary partner that I am madly in love with,

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Speaker 1: the aftercare is like the best part now almost because

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Speaker 1: then after you've been like just turned into this little puddle,

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Speaker 1: then you get to call on his lap and just

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Speaker 1: like just sit there for a second and it's like,

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Speaker 1: it's just amazing. It's so for me that that is

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Speaker 1: um sort of my draw to it and what what

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Speaker 1: keeps me coming back. Rope is a little different because

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Speaker 1: it um, I'm not allowed to space to the extent

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Speaker 1: that's what you call it when the endorphin thing happens,

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Speaker 1: or what I call it. But um, I'm not allowed

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Speaker 1: to space as much in rope because I have to

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Speaker 1: be more aware of my body. I have to be

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Speaker 1: more aware of if the pain I'm feeling is loss

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Speaker 1: of circulation or if it's nerve um, and those present

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Speaker 1: in different ways, so I have to It's almost more

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Speaker 1: meditative when I'm in rope, because I'll feel a pain,

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Speaker 1: I'll analyze it say like, okay, is this dangerous and

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Speaker 1: if it's not, then I like put it in a

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Speaker 1: little pocket somewhere and keep trying to like move on.

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Speaker 1: Uh So, so rope is completely different. It's still like

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Speaker 1: super awesome and engaging, and um, you can definitely have

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Speaker 1: ones where you're space at the end and you're a

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Speaker 1: puddle of a person laying in someone's lap. But um,

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Speaker 1: I find it. I find it interesting in a completely

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Speaker 1: different way because it's like a completely different challenge, um

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Speaker 1: for for me, and I'm I'm incredibly competitive. I also

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Speaker 1: think that that's why I like king, because I'm like

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Speaker 1: I can outlast you, like, let's try me. I also

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Speaker 1: feel like you outlast yourself and rope, like I see

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Speaker 1: you compete with yourself in rope all the time. Like

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Speaker 1: I feel like you're like I can endure more than

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Speaker 1: I endured last time. I can get I can I

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Speaker 1: can push to the end of when you get tired,

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Speaker 1: like the person trying he was going to get tired

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Speaker 1: before you get tired of being in these horrible, torturous positions.

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Speaker 1: Like it's incredible and and I and I should put

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Speaker 1: a caveat out there for any potential rope bottoms listening

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Speaker 1: to this, Like she's very im bullet what she does.

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Speaker 1: She's practiced this a lot, and so like the thing

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Speaker 1: she's talking about, having the skill of being able to

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Speaker 1: figure out which pain is good and which paid is

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Speaker 1: bad and all that stuff like, that's not something that's instinctive.

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Speaker 1: That's the thing that she's developed over time and worked

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Speaker 1: very hard to achieve. So I just know that, like,

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Speaker 1: if you can't do that yet, it's okay. So for me,

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Speaker 1: it's it's not this like, um, I don't know that

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Speaker 1: it's like a roller coaster of sensation. I from the

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Speaker 1: dominant or top side of kink. For me, it's mostly

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Speaker 1: about control. I mean, imagine being able to calibrate an

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Speaker 1: experience like that for a lot of different people just

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Speaker 1: by tying them up. Or because so I I have

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Speaker 1: UM a full time power exchange relationship in which I

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Speaker 1: am the right side of the slash. I am an

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Speaker 1: s type. So I identify as property in that relationship

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Speaker 1: and I am owned in that relationship. And so in

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Speaker 1: that relationship, I bottom and I provide service in that way,

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Speaker 1: and it's a very important pivotal part of my life.

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Speaker 1: In every other interaction in the king community, I am

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Speaker 1: a top and a dominant so it's complicated. But for

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Speaker 1: the most part, how my kink manifest is kind of well,

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Speaker 1: it's hard to even say for the most part, I guess,

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Speaker 1: but um, but yeah, so generally I do end up

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Speaker 1: tying more, and what people see publicly is more of

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Speaker 1: the left side of the slash dominant topping type stuff.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, but it's it's for me. It's a it's

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Speaker 1: both the being able to exert control over another person

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Speaker 1: and being able to elicit these incredibly extreme reactions from

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Speaker 1: a person and also um, through force and technique and

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Speaker 1: sometimes very subtle types of communication, both physical and verbal.

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Speaker 1: To be able to like create sensations and experiences and

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Speaker 1: another person that are like completely within your control is

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Speaker 1: very powerful experience, right. Um. And then all, so I'm

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Speaker 1: a sadist and I like hurting people. I like making

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Speaker 1: beautiful things ugly. I like destroying things. I like ruining things.

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Speaker 1: It's just really fun. So so that's a whole other

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Speaker 1: part of it too. Um, how did you discover that

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Speaker 1: you enjoyed these things? I mean, it's layered, I think, um,

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Speaker 1: and it's and I mean, to be fair, there are

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Speaker 1: challenges when you discover these things about yourself, right, like

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Speaker 1: the first time you discover you like, ruining people is

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Speaker 1: not the most fun moment of your life as it

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Speaker 1: turns out. Um, But I have to say that I'm

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Speaker 1: very grateful to be able to have this opportunity to

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Speaker 1: do it in an ethical, negotiated, intentional, consensual like framework,

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Speaker 1: you know, like that that's really important to me. And

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Speaker 1: that's something that all like none of this works without

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Speaker 1: that stuff, right, Like it just doesn't. So I don't

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Speaker 1: know how I discovered it maybe, but um, I'm glad.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that part exists. Rope is not sexual on

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Speaker 1: this on my it right, Um, most times, like if

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Speaker 1: I'm in a lab, it's a it's a different type

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Speaker 1: of arousal, but it's a lab. Um, it's like open practice,

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Speaker 1: so there may not be an actual topic that's discussed

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Speaker 1: or taught. You just go work on whatever you want.

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Speaker 1: So how necessary it is practice for things like that?

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I answered my own questions earlier. But just

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Speaker 1: it's pretty extensive, um, especially there's nothing wrong with time

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Speaker 1: with someone who is new with the bottom or top,

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Speaker 1: but you do need to go to classes. I strongly

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Speaker 1: advise doing some research, like learning about the body, because

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Speaker 1: you have those nerves um, you have muscles, Like even

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Speaker 1: right now, I'm really hoping that I did not mess

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Speaker 1: up my girlfriend's show because it's been bothering her for

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Speaker 1: some weeks now, and I'm just like, I hope it's

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Speaker 1: really muscular because we can use that. We can do

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Speaker 1: steroid shops for that, opposed of like some nerves um

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Speaker 1: that may take a little bit longer, may not resolve itself.

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Speaker 1: Mactually I have to do like some medical intervention. Because

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Speaker 1: she was like, well, I may want to start tying people,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, okay, whenever you're ready, let me

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Speaker 1: know so I can teach you, like the at least

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Speaker 1: the important stuff or the basis um, because I didn't

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Speaker 1: get everything at once coming in because it was like

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Speaker 1: it wasn't I don't know if I can say the

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00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:33,000
Speaker 1: information wasn't available, but the the frequency of the workshops,

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Speaker 1: like within a particular group wasn't there, like most events

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Speaker 1: that only once a month. So I'm like, okay, once

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Speaker 1: a mom, I just learned a single column. I don't

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Speaker 1: even know what a single column is, and I'm supposed

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Speaker 1: to practice I don't understand, so so how often do

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Speaker 1: you practice? Now? Um at least twice a week at

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00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:55,399
Speaker 1: least usually yeah, at least, So if you want to

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Speaker 1: continue in this type of you have yes. Um, because

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00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:04,480
Speaker 1: I tie each person different, like, um, my friends that

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00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,199
Speaker 1: he's more comfortable. He can hold a t K with

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00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,840
Speaker 1: a stack behind his arms, But if I want him

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00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,160
Speaker 1: to be up longer, it's going his arms, his wrists

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00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:17,600
Speaker 1: are gonna have to be downward. Um. But my girlfriend

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00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,400
Speaker 1: we learned that after bringing her arms much like much

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00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,359
Speaker 1: much closer. So it and you have to practice to

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Speaker 1: actually know where to place that rope on that person's body,

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Speaker 1: like has some idea of how the rope is supposed

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Speaker 1: to go around the body, because it's not just circles.

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Speaker 1: It actually has to go However, that person's body is

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00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 1: made naturally. It's not a bad thing. Um, it's just

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00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 1: that our turnative lifestyle, it's not always sexual. Uh. And

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Speaker 1: I know for me and a lot of the dumps

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Speaker 1: that I know, it's almost never sexual. It is not

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Speaker 1: about sex. B D s M is not about sex

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Speaker 1: all the time. That's my biggest thing because when I

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Speaker 1: say b D s M, oh, you like that kinky

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Speaker 1: sex just because I like time people up and beating

355
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Speaker 1: people does not mean entirely that my vagina is getting

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Speaker 1: most because of it is. And I always say it's

357
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Speaker 1: a different type of arousal, like I'm super super excited,

358
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Speaker 1: I'm having so much freaking fun, but I don't want

359
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:35,280
Speaker 1: to have sex, which after gratification. Yeah, yeah, And I

360
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Speaker 1: prefer to use the word arousal because people like arousal

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Speaker 1: sex and I'm like, no, no, it's a different type

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Speaker 1: of arousal, different types of a generaline rush, excitement type

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00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:50,280
Speaker 1: of thing. Yes, like super excited. Great. Another question that

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00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:54,720
Speaker 1: came up while we were speaking was about the diversity

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Speaker 1: within this world. Maxie and Rema are black women who

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Speaker 1: have fully embraced the King world. We asked them what

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Speaker 1: the community is like for people of color and how

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Speaker 1: it made different for them as opposed to of white people. Essentially,

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Speaker 1: how does how does being a woman of color in

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Speaker 1: this sect a subculture affect anything or if it or

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Speaker 1: does it? So I'm going to preface this by saying

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Speaker 1: I'm delightful you are. First of all, you walked in.

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Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, you're not gonna be friends off

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Speaker 1: of hair. First of automatically, hair flip. I'm voicing that

375
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:39,320
Speaker 1: over because you guys can't see me, but um, like,

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Speaker 1: I consider myself an introvert for the most part, um,

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Speaker 1: but I can also put it on. I'm like, I'm

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Speaker 1: also energized by getting to know other people. Um. I

379
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,760
Speaker 1: have a journalism background, so I'm fascinated by other people

380
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Speaker 1: in their stories. Um. And so a lot of people

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna go ahead and say men, because right,

382
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:03,800
Speaker 1: yes all men. Um. Um take that as me flirting

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00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,720
Speaker 1: with them and or like wanting to get with them,

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00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,800
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, no, I'm just nice to people.

385
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,960
Speaker 1: Like I could be. It could be I could be

386
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,480
Speaker 1: an ass to you, but then you would just neg

387
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,399
Speaker 1: me for that, and so I'm going to I'm going

388
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,800
Speaker 1: to air on the side of being nice to you

389
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,000
Speaker 1: and hope you're not a creep and like misinterpret this,

390
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,480
Speaker 1: but if you do, I will very quickly put you

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Speaker 1: in your place. Um. And in the community, I've gotten

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00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,679
Speaker 1: so many messages about like wow, I've never been with

393
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Speaker 1: a black woman before. I'm like, well, you only gonna

394
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 1: get with one now, like boy by, you just lost

395
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:46,159
Speaker 1: your chance. That's gross, or being like yeah, I'm a

396
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 1: dominant and like I'm waiting for my first taste of

397
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:53,880
Speaker 1: chocolate and I'm like, first of all, I'm caramel. I'm

398
00:23:53,960 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 1: caramel and or a very cheery toffee, and I like gross,

399
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,840
Speaker 1: like um, and I recently had a conversation with somebody.

400
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,199
Speaker 1: Things were going so great, and then at the end

401
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,439
Speaker 1: of his message, he was like, and I have an

402
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 1: affinity for black women smiley face wink. And so I

403
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,480
Speaker 1: answered all of his other questions and I was like, hey,

404
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:19,040
Speaker 1: so I don't think this was your intention, but I

405
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 1: like to be regarded and be found attractive because of

406
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,959
Speaker 1: who I am as a person, because I'm awesome and

407
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,720
Speaker 1: I'm beautiful and I'm intelligent, not because it's something that

408
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,200
Speaker 1: I don't have control over. So while yes, I think

409
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:35,119
Speaker 1: that's a bonus because hashtag melanin is lit, um, you

410
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,400
Speaker 1: only being interested in me because I'm a black woman

411
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:40,400
Speaker 1: actually makes me very reticent to start anything with you.

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00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:41,879
Speaker 1: And of course he was like, oh my god, oh

413
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,439
Speaker 1: my god, I'm so sorry, like I never wanted to

414
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 1: you know whatever. And I was like, it's fine. I'm

415
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 1: letting you know that upfront because I never want to

416
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,440
Speaker 1: hear something that grows come out of your mouth. And secondly,

417
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 1: I want you to know that there are not a

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00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 1: lot of other women that I know, which could be

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00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: different for other people that are going to respond particularly

420
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:03,160
Speaker 1: well to that. Because race fetishism or preferencing is very

421
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,680
Speaker 1: It's still something that happens in the king community, and

422
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 1: I'm just not the type of person that's going to

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00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 1: sit there and let it happen and just be like,

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00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm just going to ignore that they said this. It's like, no,

425
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 1: I heard you. I read what you wrote. Number of

426
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: dating profiles and or profiles on fat Life that are

427
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,879
Speaker 1: like no fats, no fems, no spice, no Rice, And

428
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:26,600
Speaker 1: I'm just like, okay, wait, wait, yes, I'm going to

429
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:32,080
Speaker 1: repeat all of that, no fats, no fems. So it's

430
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,480
Speaker 1: it was a gay person's profile, a gay mail and

431
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,480
Speaker 1: apparently like feminine gay men are not a thing that

432
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,400
Speaker 1: he was into. So no fat people, no feminine men,

433
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,879
Speaker 1: no Hispanic men, no spice, and then no Rice, was

434
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,440
Speaker 1: no Asian, no Asians. Yeah, and I was just like, Okay,

435
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,560
Speaker 1: you could have just said that. It still would have

436
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:57,560
Speaker 1: been offensive, but like way less offensive than y oh

437
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 1: my god. I still would have looked at you side

438
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,680
Speaker 1: ways and been like, you're a person. Have you always

439
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:09,959
Speaker 1: in it? In Atlanta no, No, I like to travel. Um,

440
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:15,679
Speaker 1: it's mainly been in the South, the South States. Um,

441
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:17,919
Speaker 1: and just like going to like different dungeons, seeing what

442
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,640
Speaker 1: they got, what they got going on, um, showing off

443
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 1: a little bit. Um. I don't know why, because it's

444
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 1: like when I go to different like outside of Atlanta,

445
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,919
Speaker 1: I get this feeling like people, so you have dungeon

446
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:38,399
Speaker 1: masters to monitor all the time. And what I've noticed

447
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,879
Speaker 1: when I go out, I always end up getting a

448
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 1: dungeon master very close to me. And it's like, and

449
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 1: for what you're doing, because I know what I'm doing,

450
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: you you can you can back up. They're actually supervising

451
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: you a little more. Yeah, Like I I've had someone

452
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:57,600
Speaker 1: almost intervened in a scene for no reason. Yes, why

453
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 1: do you think that was? My skin is awfully dark?

454
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:05,199
Speaker 1: I honestly think because it didn't make sense. Um. I

455
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 1: mean that night at that dungeon, actually, uh my day

456
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 1: were saying we were too loud. Well that was the point.

457
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,679
Speaker 1: We were too loud, And I'm like, you got fools

458
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,679
Speaker 1: up in here just screaming, literally just screaming at the

459
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 1: top day lines. I said, how I'm too loud. If

460
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,600
Speaker 1: you don't get help, U about my face, you're gonna

461
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 1: maybe So how you had to deal with that much

462
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: as you're traveling outside of Atlanta. Outside of Atlanta, Yeah,

463
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 1: because that was the questions, like how welcoming is it

464
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,120
Speaker 1: for you to go to new work places? Oh it's

465
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,800
Speaker 1: not at all okay um, And I tell people, I

466
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:45,080
Speaker 1: think it's only worked for me because I have the

467
00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:47,199
Speaker 1: personality to say, you could look all you want, but

468
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 1: if you say something to me, I'm gonna turn up

469
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 1: on you and it's going to be over um. And

470
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: I also tend to ignore, like even getting into the

471
00:27:55,560 --> 00:28:03,240
Speaker 1: Atlanta community, it wasn't really inclusive or welcoming, especially when

472
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,600
Speaker 1: you walk into a room because I am tall and

473
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 1: I'm i am dark skinned. It so in in Rope

474
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 1: a lot of times I don't see any people of color,

475
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,640
Speaker 1: and when I speak to I also go to black

476
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,000
Speaker 1: film Dom's Atlanta. When I speak to other black doms,

477
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:22,359
Speaker 1: they're like, it's not comfortable. Why would we go? And

478
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 1: I don't know. I kind of not come to peace,

479
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 1: but like figure out a way to get comfortable within

480
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,159
Speaker 1: that environment and start talking to people so I at

481
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 1: least feel better about it, Like either I'm gonna with

482
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 1: you I'm or not VI subversa, right, whatever. So when

483
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,479
Speaker 1: you talk to UM, because you said there's actual it's

484
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,360
Speaker 1: their actual groups that's just for people of color. And

485
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:54,560
Speaker 1: how how accessible and how large is that? Um, it's

486
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:58,840
Speaker 1: not large at all. Because the core group of Black

487
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:02,040
Speaker 1: film Dom's Atlanta, we're probably like five a seven strong.

488
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 1: There's always at all of our events, UM, and then

489
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: our open socials, people come and go, But I don't

490
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:15,320
Speaker 1: think I've ever seen more than definitely not more than

491
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:21,200
Speaker 1: thirty people of color. I do have a question about

492
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,840
Speaker 1: when you go to these dungeons are events, these munches

493
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 1: in Atlanta? Are they Are they kind of equal and

494
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 1: men and women that are there? Oh that is fascinating. Um.

495
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: I think the amount of men and women that are

496
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:44,520
Speaker 1: there is probably relatively equal, but the amount of tops

497
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 1: and bottoms is often not particularly equal. Yeah. I mean

498
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 1: I went to a speed dating event at one of them,

499
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: and there were so many tops and like six bottoms,

500
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 1: and so we were like be dating with other dominance

501
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,280
Speaker 1: and we're just like you have nothing I want, Like,

502
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 1: like it's really cool to talk to you, do you

503
00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:08,920
Speaker 1: want to like talk shop? But like also we're obviously

504
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 1: not going to play together because we both want to

505
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,960
Speaker 1: do and neither of us want to receive. So what

506
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,080
Speaker 1: is this UM? Actually, I think that happens more at

507
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 1: the club than it doesn't munches, because munches are just

508
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 1: people that are mostly interested in establishing community are getting

509
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:26,000
Speaker 1: to know other people in the community. But the man

510
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: to woman ratio in my very brief existence in this scene,

511
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 1: and I say brief because there are people that have

512
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,560
Speaker 1: literally been in the Atlanta scene for twenty plus years,

513
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 1: UM is that it has less to do with the

514
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 1: gender or assume gender than it does with the role

515
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 1: that you play it or what you have to offer.

516
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 1: I can tell you that there are not as many

517
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 1: Black people as there are other As a person like legit,

518
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,160
Speaker 1: I want to say that it probably follows the same

519
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:07,080
Speaker 1: kind of guidelines that like general racial populations following the

520
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:10,479
Speaker 1: United States, I would say that like the Asian the

521
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,160
Speaker 1: n A A p h I community is relatively small

522
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,600
Speaker 1: compared to other minorities, and same with UM Latino X communities.

523
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 1: There's either like white people, black identified looking people, and

524
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:28,480
Speaker 1: then other minorities that come through UM and thankfully, and

525
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:32,000
Speaker 1: I think in some cases that the community is also

526
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,560
Speaker 1: aware of that and so there's also an initiative right

527
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:37,880
Speaker 1: now to like involve more people that are UM that

528
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 1: are of the underrepresented minorities UM starting new groups UM so,

529
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 1: Like there plenty of minorities that come in and then

530
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,160
Speaker 1: never come back because they either didn't feel welcomed or

531
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:53,040
Speaker 1: they didn't see themselves in that space. And so there

532
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 1: are people that are taking it upon themselves right now

533
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: to be a little bit more welcoming and or to

534
00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,160
Speaker 1: seek out those people and be like, hey, do you

535
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 1: have any questions like what can I do for you?

536
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 1: Or how can I make you feel more comfortable? Which

537
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 1: I think is really cool. I think that there is

538
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 1: something to say about how comfortable people feel as newbies

539
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 1: in the community, especially for people who aren't as assertive

540
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 1: as I am UM and trying to like find new

541
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,959
Speaker 1: people and or ask questions UM so, I think that

542
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,080
Speaker 1: is an interesting question that you could possibly ask other

543
00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 1: people UM are like how they see that I've had

544
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 1: a really warm experience and really welcoming experience, and I've

545
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:33,880
Speaker 1: also met people that have come into the community at

546
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:36,040
Speaker 1: the same time that I am better, Like it was

547
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 1: so like everybody was so stand offish, like nobody wanted

548
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 1: to talk to me, and I was like, that was

549
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:44,600
Speaker 1: not how I experienced it, but like, tell me about

550
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,720
Speaker 1: what happened with you, like what were you trying to do? Um?

551
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: And then I don't know, like also exploring how you

552
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: figured out what your role was or like how you

553
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 1: came into figuring out what your kinks are UM, because

554
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 1: that experience is very different for everybody else town. And

555
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: also a lot of people who are bigger or who

556
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:13,120
Speaker 1: are someone of color, They're like, oh, well, I've never

557
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:16,480
Speaker 1: been tired. I've never been suspended. I asked someone. She

558
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 1: was like, I had someone tell me that I can't

559
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 1: be suspended because I'm too big. What You're gonna get

560
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 1: suspended tonight? That? That that stuff pisces me. All right, UM,

561
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,560
Speaker 1: I hate it. So when people be like, hey, could

562
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 1: you tire me? Could you do a suspension? Hell? Yeah?

563
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 1: So the whole idea of limiting someone because of body

564
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 1: type or yeah, and so you're you're up to that cholde.

565
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 1: Have you had any difficulties um in fighting with people

566
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 1: about allowing others through that or being a thing like

567
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 1: someone actouldly be like no, you shouldn't do this, or

568
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: try to stop you at the point Um, I have

569
00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 1: before and at the dungeon. That was referring to when

570
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 1: the guy had looked like he was going to intervene

571
00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 1: in my scene. Um. I was told that day wasn't

572
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 1: sure because he was so much bigger than me military

573
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:17,480
Speaker 1: six for solid, probably like three hunted. They didn't think

574
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,480
Speaker 1: it would be safe for me or him to do. Okay,

575
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: what so you're able to work it out? Yes, everybody

576
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:32,680
Speaker 1: can't fly, Yes, he likes he said, thank you. Then

577
00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:34,400
Speaker 1: he sent me a message the next day and a

578
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: message to next swede talking about gonna tie down. Oh

579
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 1: my goodness, thank you, thank you. There's no problem. Everybody

580
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:46,799
Speaker 1: can fly military, even yes, even my homeboy because he's

581
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:49,719
Speaker 1: like six three and I had tied hands that colleg

582
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 1: more of a challenge for you, what to do man,

583
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,960
Speaker 1: like the bigger person, A little bit kind of want

584
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 1: to do that, yeah, because I'm like, I want to

585
00:34:57,600 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 1: get you as high as possible and twist you up

586
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,040
Speaker 1: just to see, yeah, just to see if I can

587
00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:07,320
Speaker 1: do it. There's something else we really wanted to ask about,

588
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:11,359
Speaker 1: and that is relationships. But before we get into that,

589
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,800
Speaker 1: we have one more quick break for word from our sponsor,

590
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:31,320
Speaker 1: and we're back, Thank you, sponsor. And yeah, some recurring

591
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:35,239
Speaker 1: themes we heard in the conversations we had, where the

592
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:38,919
Speaker 1: the idea of vanilla relationships vanilla guess a bad rap

593
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 1: is that? What is that like? Your favorite? No, strawberry

594
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:43,840
Speaker 1: is my favorite, but I feel like it's kind of

595
00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,560
Speaker 1: that's an old person flavor. I was told it. Really,

596
00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: that's what I was told, said that strawberry is for everybody.

597
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 1: You're allergic to strawberry, I don't eat that. Versus kink

598
00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:02,440
Speaker 1: relationships and what that can look like, what's involved? And

599
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:05,520
Speaker 1: so yeah, we asked about it, and I was going

600
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 1: to ask because you did both the talk. You have

601
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 1: an actual primary partner who you are engaged to correct

602
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,200
Speaker 1: congratulations by the way, And lately you were talking about

603
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:17,759
Speaker 1: the fact that you were more of a polyamorous lecor Right,

604
00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,760
Speaker 1: how does that look in this type of environment, because

605
00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:23,480
Speaker 1: for you you must have to have specific conversations with

606
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,279
Speaker 1: your primary partner, and for you you have to have

607
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,160
Speaker 1: that conversation with those who are in primary partnerships. What

608
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 1: does that look like in this king world? Or doesn't

609
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: even make a difference. I mean, I think everyone has

610
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 1: their own kind of relationship landscape and so if I

611
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 1: was just negotiating with someone for a rope scene, I

612
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:43,480
Speaker 1: wouldn't talk to them about my relationship landscape. So I don't,

613
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 1: you know, unless they just want to have a conversation

614
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 1: about that. Um. But if I was, you know, interested

615
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:54,080
Speaker 1: in developing some sort of continuous relationship, I mean, I

616
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:58,920
Speaker 1: could talk about relationship anarchy or polyamory for like seventeen hours,

617
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 1: probably about a little bit, but I guess I can

618
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,160
Speaker 1: talk about But for me, like I I kind of

619
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 1: think that the way that we express affection and love

620
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 1: is sort of antiquated and based on a bunch of

621
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,120
Speaker 1: weird social conditioning that doesn't make any sense to me. Um.

622
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:14,040
Speaker 1: And so in my mind, I think of I have

623
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:17,440
Speaker 1: like maybe twelve or fifteen ways that I do that thing.

624
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 1: And I have some partners that I do like eight

625
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 1: or nine of them with, and some partners that I

626
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 1: do like six of them with, and some pinners that

627
00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:23,799
Speaker 1: I do like two of them with, and some you know,

628
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:26,440
Speaker 1: and so like that is just kind of how that looks.

629
00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,640
Speaker 1: And you might look at my people who I do

630
00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:31,399
Speaker 1: things with and say, well, that's a friend, and that's

631
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:34,120
Speaker 1: a play partner, and that's a partner and one of

632
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,239
Speaker 1: them is a husband, because that's a legal thing, right,

633
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:38,359
Speaker 1: so I know what that looks like. And and one

634
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,360
Speaker 1: of them is my master, and that's another thing that

635
00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:41,960
Speaker 1: we have words for, and you know, and like one

636
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:43,840
Speaker 1: of them is a long distance relationship, and one of

637
00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:45,239
Speaker 1: them is a best friend who I've known since I

638
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,480
Speaker 1: was thirteen, and like, so we have some words for

639
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 1: these things. But like in my mind, they're all just

640
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: like people who are really important to me, who I

641
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,879
Speaker 1: have incredibly intense emotion around. And so I'm not saying

642
00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: that they're all equal, or that they all get the

643
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:00,160
Speaker 1: same amount of time or energy, or that I have

644
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,160
Speaker 1: the same amount of investment and every single person I

645
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:05,400
Speaker 1: meet and every you know mailman or you know coworker,

646
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,239
Speaker 1: that's not true. But like in my mind, like I

647
00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:10,719
Speaker 1: think we put relationships and boxes a little more than

648
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:14,640
Speaker 1: we necessarily need to, and so um, for me, there's

649
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:19,160
Speaker 1: just a little like less reason to do that. Um.

650
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 1: And so I kind of think that as long as

651
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 1: between me and the person I'm interacting with, we know

652
00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 1: what we mean to each other and what's important to us,

653
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,200
Speaker 1: and we've negotiated that more being intentional about those interactions,

654
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,880
Speaker 1: who are we hurting? I know so, And then that

655
00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 1: everyone else who needs to know those things knows those

656
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,280
Speaker 1: things as well, and that's complicated. So I wouldn't suggest

657
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 1: this if you aren't a very good communicator who likes

658
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:47,560
Speaker 1: to talk a lot, because it's so much work. But

659
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 1: that's not for me. It's a lot of corner but UM, like,

660
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,480
Speaker 1: I have definitely been in periods of my life where

661
00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:58,040
Speaker 1: my relationships looked a lot more traditional. UM, And there

662
00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: are things about my relationships look very traditional now. You know,

663
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 1: if you work to see me with my parents and

664
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:07,760
Speaker 1: my brother and my husband and my you know, nieces

665
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,400
Speaker 1: and family, it would never you would never like guess

666
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 1: that I had a very traditional and untraditional relationship map,

667
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:19,840
Speaker 1: but I do. UM. For me, it's uh for me

668
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:21,640
Speaker 1: and my partner is a little bit different. Um, we're

669
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:27,960
Speaker 1: mostly monogamous. Like. UM, We've we've gone through various relationships

670
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 1: styles and tried it out different things. UM. And right now,

671
00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 1: you know, we've are constantly negotiating what our relationship looks

672
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 1: like and constantly checking in and making sure that that's

673
00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 1: still what we're happy with and what we want. And

674
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:45,239
Speaker 1: you know, planning a wedding, working on careers all of that,

675
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:48,759
Speaker 1: we don't have the time to have the communication and

676
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 1: to have you know, when we have a little bit

677
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:53,640
Speaker 1: of free time, that's really for us to go on

678
00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:57,160
Speaker 1: a date night or something that's so special that I

679
00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:59,120
Speaker 1: don't want to be trying to find another partner to

680
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 1: do that. It's just been that time with because you know,

681
00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: he's traveling for work a lot. I'm working way more

682
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:08,080
Speaker 1: hours than I usually do. Like, like, we've decided that

683
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:11,719
Speaker 1: relationship is at the level we want it to be at.

684
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: And I know that everyone has different ways of doing polyamory.

685
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:17,720
Speaker 1: We've always said that if we go back to being

686
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,280
Speaker 1: open in our relationship, that there would be a hierarchy

687
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,879
Speaker 1: and you know, we would get veto power and other

688
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:26,279
Speaker 1: things like that. There are other people and polyamorous relationships

689
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: that think that that is a terrible way to do

690
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:32,799
Speaker 1: polyamory um and you know, I there's there's a lot

691
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,640
Speaker 1: that goes into it um for us right now, picking

692
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,920
Speaker 1: up play like playing with other people, that's something that

693
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,360
Speaker 1: is not just negotiated between us and the person to

694
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 1: be playing with. It also involves the partner. So you know,

695
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be doing anything that I'm not

696
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: going to tell my partner about. Um, he's not gonna

697
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:50,240
Speaker 1: do anything that he's not going to tell me about.

698
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,759
Speaker 1: He's gone to play parties and tied people that I

699
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,320
Speaker 1: haven't been at, and that's totally fine. You know, he asked,

700
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:57,960
Speaker 1: He told me ahead of time that that was on

701
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 1: the table, and UM, I think right now, as long

702
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:05,440
Speaker 1: as sex is out of it, it's everything's pretty fine. Um.

703
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 1: So you know, things, things evolved, that things change. I'm

704
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:11,640
Speaker 1: marrying this man knowing that like I am not, I

705
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:14,160
Speaker 1: won't in my vows say you were going to be

706
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:15,480
Speaker 1: the only person I'll ever to be with for the

707
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 1: rest of my life, because you know that isn't probably

708
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:21,080
Speaker 1: going to be true for us, but it might be,

709
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,960
Speaker 1: you know, you never know. Um, it just depends on

710
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:27,840
Speaker 1: how our relationship continues to evolve and the conversations we

711
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,600
Speaker 1: continue to have. So anyway, I, like I said, I

712
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:35,160
Speaker 1: am a particularly dominant person, like aggressive person, and I

713
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:39,480
Speaker 1: would say my boyfriend is not like he is very

714
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:41,640
Speaker 1: much the opposite to me in a lot of different ways.

715
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:44,520
Speaker 1: But in our vanilla life because he is not involved

716
00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:47,479
Speaker 1: in the king scene, always like he's not he's not.

717
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 1: I'm like so I would really like to have sex,

718
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,719
Speaker 1: but I don't really want to do the doing, Like

719
00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 1: I would like for you to take control here, and

720
00:41:56,239 --> 00:42:01,319
Speaker 1: he's like I get to control. I'm just like yeah,

721
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,120
Speaker 1: like I don't want to have to think I want

722
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 1: somebody else to boss around U. Whereas with my girlfriend

723
00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: so I'm also Polly, UM, she's like, I am also dominant,

724
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:13,439
Speaker 1: but I want you to be the boss. And I'm like, yeah, girl,

725
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:17,640
Speaker 1: I got you, Like, I can do that how you feel.

726
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,799
Speaker 1: And it's very but like an hour. So also in

727
00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:24,040
Speaker 1: that so with my vanilla partner kink partner, there's not

728
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:27,920
Speaker 1: a switch that happens. UM. Maybe with my vanilla partner

729
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 1: a little bit more where he's just like, no, I

730
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:32,520
Speaker 1: think it's really hot when you take charge. But with her,

731
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,319
Speaker 1: she's like, no, I'm not here to be to like

732
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: to be bossing you around. I would like for you

733
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,040
Speaker 1: to boss me around. And I'm like, cool, I can

734
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,520
Speaker 1: do that for you. That works, Yeah, And I wanted

735
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 1: to examine it because you just talked about the fact

736
00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 1: that your relationship with your boyfriend UM is more vanilla

737
00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:51,480
Speaker 1: so and typically you don't translate that into that world.

738
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:55,759
Speaker 1: How does that work for both him and you and

739
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:59,920
Speaker 1: the other side of you. Yeah. Um, I mean he

740
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:04,839
Speaker 1: he had a lot of questions, so many questions, UM,

741
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:07,440
Speaker 1: just to be like also transparent, like I don't care.

742
00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 1: I don't think he cares. I told him I was

743
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,319
Speaker 1: coming here. Um, we've been we've been together for six

744
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:15,600
Speaker 1: years and so we were babies when we started dating,

745
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,640
Speaker 1: and we've had a lot of time to develop really

746
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:22,319
Speaker 1: healthy communication, um with one another. And so I'm six

747
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,880
Speaker 1: thousand percent transparent with him, any person that I sleep with,

748
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:27,919
Speaker 1: any person that I play with. If he has any

749
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:30,759
Speaker 1: questions about the things that I'm into, are the things

750
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 1: that I've done with somebody. And I was like, I

751
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,759
Speaker 1: really like getting spanked, and he's like, oh, I don't

752
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:38,480
Speaker 1: want to hurt you, like baby, Like I don't want

753
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,400
Speaker 1: to put my hands on you. That's really messed up.

754
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:42,600
Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, but I want you to, like

755
00:43:42,719 --> 00:43:44,960
Speaker 1: I would really enjoy that if you did it. And

756
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:49,080
Speaker 1: so for a couple of months, um, he was very

757
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:51,399
Speaker 1: resistant to it. And then one day we were having

758
00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:56,680
Speaker 1: sex and he just went for it and I was like, yeah,

759
00:43:56,719 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 1: I was like, add a boy, Yeah, let's keep that going.

760
00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 1: And he responded really well to it and so now

761
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:04,360
Speaker 1: it's something that continues to go into my life. But

762
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:06,680
Speaker 1: he was like, I'm never going to use a cane.

763
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:08,759
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna hate you with a belt. I'm not

764
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:12,200
Speaker 1: going to do any of what he's like, your kinky stuff.

765
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:15,319
Speaker 1: I guess to him, that's vanilla enough for it to

766
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: just be like, oh, my partner wants this and this

767
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,560
Speaker 1: is something I'm also comfortable with. Um. So yeah. We

768
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:23,640
Speaker 1: also had to have a conversation with him about consent

769
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:26,640
Speaker 1: and bodily agency. He like, I have a higher sex

770
00:44:26,719 --> 00:44:29,920
Speaker 1: drive than he does, and so, um, I want to

771
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:32,520
Speaker 1: have sex a lot and he does not. And at

772
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:34,880
Speaker 1: the beginning of our relationship, he was just like, I

773
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 1: am so tired, but yeah, like let's let's have sex

774
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,080
Speaker 1: because you want to have sex. And I was like,

775
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 1: you know, you don't have to have sex with somebody

776
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 1: just because they want to write, and she kind of

777
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: like I was like no, no, no no, no, like this

778
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,279
Speaker 1: is you know, like this is what's supposed to happen.

779
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:51,759
Speaker 1: I was like no, Like yeah, I was like, you

780
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:54,240
Speaker 1: also have the ability to say no, babe, I'm tired,

781
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:55,920
Speaker 1: I don't want to have sex. And he was just

782
00:44:56,000 --> 00:45:02,080
Speaker 1: like the whole world exp ended, um, and so he

783
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:05,319
Speaker 1: got used to saying no too. And I have to

784
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,879
Speaker 1: tell a lot of people that I'm just like, men

785
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,759
Speaker 1: are not just your sex machines either, like just as

786
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,919
Speaker 1: much as women aren't just like holes, you know, like

787
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,879
Speaker 1: everybody has agency to or not engage in those kind

788
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,400
Speaker 1: of activities. And I wanted to make that very clear

789
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 1: for him. So um, in our vanilla life, I'm like,

790
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:24,680
Speaker 1: if you don't want to engage in something that I

791
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:27,239
Speaker 1: think is kinkier, I want I respect the fact that

792
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:28,440
Speaker 1: you don't want to do that. I'm never going to

793
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:31,000
Speaker 1: force you to do anything, but I will tell you

794
00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:35,080
Speaker 1: and maybe hope that you'll do it. At least you'll communicate. Communicate.

795
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 1: So is he also polyamorus Like we are currently mono Polly,

796
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:45,799
Speaker 1: which means that I am Polly and he is in

797
00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:48,120
Speaker 1: a relationship with me. I've been trying to get him

798
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:53,640
Speaker 1: to date other people. I know I'm exhausting. I am

799
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 1: aware of exhausting, like you can just have like an

800
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,200
Speaker 1: easier relationship with somebody else. And He's like, no, I

801
00:45:58,239 --> 00:46:01,560
Speaker 1: just want you like I'm mine. Um, But he also

802
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 1: knows all of the people that I've sat with and

803
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 1: or whatever, UM, but he has the option is a thing.

804
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,880
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, you said you never wanted to

805
00:46:08,920 --> 00:46:11,239
Speaker 1: day anybody else, so now you can't ever, It's like

806
00:46:11,239 --> 00:46:13,520
Speaker 1: you're not right now, but the option is open for

807
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:15,960
Speaker 1: you to do that. So one of the things that

808
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,640
Speaker 1: I developed, and I think has been a parent to

809
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 1: probably my parents ever since I was younger, is that like,

810
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:25,400
Speaker 1: I am going to take what I want UM with

811
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:28,279
Speaker 1: like within the terms of consent, Like I never going

812
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:32,600
Speaker 1: to rest something for somebody. But I'm like, oh, Okay,

813
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 1: we've been together for three years and I really like,

814
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,400
Speaker 1: I'm in love with you. You are my forever person, babe.

815
00:46:37,480 --> 00:46:38,640
Speaker 1: I want to be with you for the rest of

816
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: my life. But I also definitely want other dick and

817
00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:45,600
Speaker 1: or like or vaginas. And it actually has nothing to

818
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:49,040
Speaker 1: do with our relationship. UM, Like, I am happy and

819
00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 1: we are in a good place. And that was one

820
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:54,279
Speaker 1: of the things that I stipulated was like, if we like,

821
00:46:54,360 --> 00:46:56,759
Speaker 1: I'm always going to be Polly, I'm always going to

822
00:46:57,200 --> 00:46:59,160
Speaker 1: feel like I have more love to spread around to

823
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,320
Speaker 1: other people. But if we are ever in a bad

824
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:06,400
Speaker 1: place with our relationship, that's my foundation there. And I

825
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:10,720
Speaker 1: don't think engaging in other romantic situations while my partner

826
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:14,000
Speaker 1: that I've decided to like yoke my life too is

827
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:17,479
Speaker 1: in shambles, that that's something I could do feeling good

828
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,920
Speaker 1: about it. I don't know that it has anything to

829
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 1: do so much with me being a woman as it

830
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: has to do with me being a person that feels

831
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:27,520
Speaker 1: like I have a higher capacity to share my romantic

832
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:30,359
Speaker 1: side and or feelings with more than one person and

833
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: not have it affect those other relationships um as far

834
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:38,080
Speaker 1: as what I feel or my commitment to them UM.

835
00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 1: And I knew that from a very early point in

836
00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:44,000
Speaker 1: my relationship. I let my boyfriend know what my like

837
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:49,560
Speaker 1: sexuality was. I consider myself queer pan sexual um and

838
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:51,759
Speaker 1: that I was like, I'm I don't believe that people

839
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:54,759
Speaker 1: have soul mates in or that they will only ever

840
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,760
Speaker 1: want somebody for the rest of their life. And I

841
00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:01,040
Speaker 1: mostly think that that's a joke when people do. Not

842
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:03,719
Speaker 1: to like not to bash monogamy, because I also feel

843
00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:07,960
Speaker 1: like that it's a very valid um identity, But for me,

844
00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:10,560
Speaker 1: I don't think that that's happening. And if that's something

845
00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:13,880
Speaker 1: that you can't reconcile, then we probably don't have a future,

846
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:16,399
Speaker 1: Like I was like, I will date you for six

847
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:17,920
Speaker 1: years and then I will dump you if you're like

848
00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:21,879
Speaker 1: you can never have another partner. And I also think

849
00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:25,200
Speaker 1: that there's something to say about a couple and then

850
00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:27,520
Speaker 1: a person bringing brought into there where there's like this

851
00:48:27,840 --> 00:48:31,800
Speaker 1: unbalancing of power as well, because if you're a third,

852
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:35,839
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily live with you, and these other things

853
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:38,080
Speaker 1: happen with this couple, and I don't want what's going

854
00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:41,279
Speaker 1: on with us to affect your relationship with us. So

855
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:43,319
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I have a relationship with you, I

856
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,759
Speaker 1: have a relationship with this other person, and with this

857
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,359
Speaker 1: other person, if we are going to bring a third

858
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:49,920
Speaker 1: into the bedroom, that is going to be a very

859
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 1: temporary thing. This will not be a continual thing unless

860
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:56,160
Speaker 1: you're down to be like engaged to me and me

861
00:48:56,239 --> 00:49:00,359
Speaker 1: possibly and us getting engaged to this other person. Because

862
00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:04,160
Speaker 1: I don't step into relationships particularly lightly. Um so yeah,

863
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:07,160
Speaker 1: but that's just it could work very differently for other people.

864
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:15,160
Speaker 1: So right now, I am exclusive monogamous with my girlfriend. Um,

865
00:49:15,239 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 1: I am polly if the situation if if it's needed,

866
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:24,879
Speaker 1: like if I have someone who doesn't completely fulfill all

867
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:27,040
Speaker 1: my knees, but I do want to be with them,

868
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 1: I'll probably expand outwards. Or if I am in a

869
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:37,239
Speaker 1: situation where I just love two people and both of

870
00:49:37,239 --> 00:49:39,719
Speaker 1: you all consent to it, then we're all good. Now

871
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:41,520
Speaker 1: we have to choose. I might have stopped talking to

872
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:45,440
Speaker 1: both of y'all what I mean. But if I do

873
00:49:45,840 --> 00:49:49,080
Speaker 1: want to like tie someone else, I actually discuss, like

874
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:51,880
Speaker 1: how I know that person, what type of interational connection

875
00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:55,960
Speaker 1: we have, what do I foresee in the future, um,

876
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:59,839
Speaker 1: And of course like how I like, why I'm doing

877
00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:02,560
Speaker 1: it a lot of times, oh, and how she feels

878
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:05,719
Speaker 1: about it, because for me, tying different people is just

879
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,839
Speaker 1: literally for the different body types and to see how

880
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:12,279
Speaker 1: different people respond to see what I can. It's a

881
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:16,320
Speaker 1: different experience for me. And then to continue on with

882
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:19,560
Speaker 1: the conversation, we decided to ask what's the correlation between

883
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:22,360
Speaker 1: feminism and the kink world? So let me ask you

884
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:24,000
Speaker 1: this because obviously we were talking about the fact that

885
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:27,520
Speaker 1: our show is surrounded um around the idea of feminism,

886
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 1: and that's what we were always looking forward is pushing

887
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:33,279
Speaker 1: feminism and understanding those who identify as female and what

888
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,520
Speaker 1: that looks like in a in a world dominated by men.

889
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:39,279
Speaker 1: How does that fit into the kink world with like

890
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,160
Speaker 1: the whole idea of being a submissive or dominant in

891
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,200
Speaker 1: that world? It seems like I could really push back

892
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:46,759
Speaker 1: when people were talking about feminism and sex. What are

893
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:49,320
Speaker 1: your thoughts and how it feels like you get empowered

894
00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:51,960
Speaker 1: when one or the other? I think that's a really

895
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:57,239
Speaker 1: big question. UM. For me, it's always about choice, right, So, UM,

896
00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:01,720
Speaker 1: the fact that I can have the very unique way

897
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 1: of manifesting my sexuality and truly be able to choose

898
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,319
Speaker 1: how that looks with every person I do that with

899
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:12,600
Speaker 1: is incredibly empowering. UM. And also the fact that I

900
00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:16,040
Speaker 1: have the ability to negotiate that and even UM if

901
00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:18,360
Speaker 1: even if I was a person who was always bottoming

902
00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 1: or always in a submissive role, that doesn't feel like

903
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:23,359
Speaker 1: any less of a choice. That's absolutely still a thing

904
00:51:23,400 --> 00:51:26,719
Speaker 1: that I'm deciding to do. UM. And to be able

905
00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:30,560
Speaker 1: to do it in a very specific, uniquely intentional way

906
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:33,600
Speaker 1: I think within the boundaries of consent feels very empowering.

907
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't want to make the b D

908
00:51:36,239 --> 00:51:40,280
Speaker 1: s M community sound like some sort of utopic environment.

909
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:43,640
Speaker 1: It's not, but there is a different mindset around consent

910
00:51:43,719 --> 00:51:45,960
Speaker 1: you are not going to get I mean when when

911
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:49,080
Speaker 1: you go to like a non kinky bar or something

912
00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:51,440
Speaker 1: and get like hit on or you're ass grabbed or

913
00:51:51,480 --> 00:51:54,080
Speaker 1: like just like that, that sort of behavior is not

914
00:51:54,120 --> 00:51:57,359
Speaker 1: smiled upon in this community. So like someone who does

915
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,799
Speaker 1: that is going to be ousted, Like they're not going

916
00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:02,120
Speaker 1: to be welcomed. They're not going to be someone who's

917
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:05,279
Speaker 1: considered ethical. And I think I've only, like I said,

918
00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:07,200
Speaker 1: I've only been around for like six and a half years,

919
00:52:07,440 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 1: but over that amount of time, I've tried to build

920
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:13,480
Speaker 1: networks and create a reputation of someone who is ethical,

921
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:18,520
Speaker 1: and I think because of that, I've managed to develop

922
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:21,560
Speaker 1: great play partnerships and develop great relationships with people who

923
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,799
Speaker 1: want to do things with me. And honestly, I'm never

924
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:27,600
Speaker 1: without those opportunities. And I don't know that would necessarily

925
00:52:27,600 --> 00:52:30,320
Speaker 1: be the case in a more vanilla like dating environment

926
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:32,799
Speaker 1: or something like I'm not like super hot, I'm not

927
00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:35,879
Speaker 1: super young, Like there's nothing like about me that like

928
00:52:36,400 --> 00:52:40,719
Speaker 1: necessarily is like incredibly attractive as like what the vanilla

929
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:44,880
Speaker 1: world is looking for. But in this community, having skill

930
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:48,960
Speaker 1: sets and ethics and a good reputation and a strong

931
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:53,040
Speaker 1: network of references and friendships, it actually does mean something

932
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:55,040
Speaker 1: in a different way. And I think that there's something

933
00:52:55,040 --> 00:52:57,880
Speaker 1: really compelling about that. And and like I said, like,

934
00:52:57,960 --> 00:53:01,560
Speaker 1: there are bad actors, their predators, that's everywhere, um, but

935
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:04,560
Speaker 1: there is something too, I think, an environment that could

936
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 1: only exist within the framework of consent and intentionality, um,

937
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,359
Speaker 1: because we have to have that stuff, like we can't

938
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:14,319
Speaker 1: exist without it or we're just like truly criminals. Right, So,

939
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:16,799
Speaker 1: because we have to make that so central to what

940
00:53:16,840 --> 00:53:19,480
Speaker 1: we do, it's just always part of our minds. And

941
00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:22,600
Speaker 1: it also lends us to being a little more I

942
00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:26,719
Speaker 1: think in most circles accepting and inclusive of you know,

943
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 1: a non normative gender identities and different places on the

944
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 1: sexuality spectrum and all these other things that make it, um,

945
00:53:33,760 --> 00:53:36,320
Speaker 1: just a little easier to be Like, we're already outside

946
00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:37,920
Speaker 1: of the norm. We're all we've all been mothered all

947
00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:40,080
Speaker 1: of our lives, right, so when we're meeting other people

948
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:42,600
Speaker 1: who are like, oh, and by the way, I identify

949
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:45,920
Speaker 1: as four things you've never heard of all in a row, okay, cool,

950
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:52,000
Speaker 1: you know, like it's just easier. It's just easier from

951
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:57,200
Speaker 1: a personal perspective, I think going back to how it

952
00:53:57,239 --> 00:54:00,400
Speaker 1: can empower women in this situation. I like that was

953
00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:02,840
Speaker 1: an excellent look at the community. And I think the

954
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:05,279
Speaker 1: only thing I could add to that is to say, like,

955
00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:10,200
Speaker 1: in my personal life it's manifested as um, learning to

956
00:54:10,239 --> 00:54:14,359
Speaker 1: ask for what I want. Um. I just sort of

957
00:54:14,680 --> 00:54:17,840
Speaker 1: fell into it in a way. And then with my

958
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 1: current partner, are like, he's not necessarily a sadistic as

959
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,440
Speaker 1: I am masochistic and things like that, And it took

960
00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:26,919
Speaker 1: a long time for me to ask for that sort

961
00:54:26,960 --> 00:54:29,160
Speaker 1: of thing. And and I used to be like, oh,

962
00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:31,799
Speaker 1: he's not really into it, so it's not it's much

963
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:33,840
Speaker 1: fun for me. He's just doing it to make me happy.

964
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:37,120
Speaker 1: And then over time I was like he's doing this

965
00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:39,360
Speaker 1: to make me happy, Like how great is that? And

966
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:42,160
Speaker 1: so like that change in the mindset and now I'm

967
00:54:42,239 --> 00:54:44,239
Speaker 1: way more comfortable being like, oh, yeah, could you do

968
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,120
Speaker 1: some impact with me tonight, like that would be great

969
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:47,600
Speaker 1: that like that we haven't done that in a while,

970
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:51,000
Speaker 1: like um, And and he gets more out of it

971
00:54:51,040 --> 00:54:53,000
Speaker 1: because I'm more into it and like it just it

972
00:54:53,440 --> 00:54:58,480
Speaker 1: um it really really, I think I have never experienced

973
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:00,480
Speaker 1: such a strong relationship as the relation trip that I'm

974
00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:06,040
Speaker 1: in now, and I think that communication and uh like

975
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:10,360
Speaker 1: consent and negotiation from day one just create allows for

976
00:55:10,400 --> 00:55:13,359
Speaker 1: these incredible relationships to be created. Um that, I don't

977
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:19,680
Speaker 1: think people typically find a regular, regular air quotes um

978
00:55:20,360 --> 00:55:22,759
Speaker 1: relationship because there's just no need to talk about as

979
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:26,239
Speaker 1: much stuff from the jump, you know. Um So, I

980
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:29,080
Speaker 1: don't know. I think that that's been incredibly empowering and

981
00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:33,799
Speaker 1: super special. From a personal perspective, it is extremely empowering

982
00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:40,080
Speaker 1: to know. I feel in in vanilla life, I feel

983
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:43,400
Speaker 1: like it's more of a fight for me, like constant,

984
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:47,719
Speaker 1: whereas in Kink it's like I'm Adam. I'm always in

985
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:54,719
Speaker 1: top space space automatically given where is in vanilla even

986
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:56,560
Speaker 1: with a master's and you only got it, I'm not

987
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,880
Speaker 1: down in anyone that has an associate degroup. Well, I

988
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,279
Speaker 1: out of masses. Then you over over here questioning me

989
00:56:02,320 --> 00:56:08,319
Speaker 1: about my medication recommendations and my diagnostic impression. Right what

990
00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:11,840
Speaker 1: but why are you questioning me that I don't understand?

991
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:18,200
Speaker 1: But I know my white counterparts are not having these issues.

992
00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:22,520
Speaker 1: I don't get it. So why is this what like

993
00:56:22,600 --> 00:56:26,200
Speaker 1: my specialty is actually older adults with subvere mental illnesses.

994
00:56:27,160 --> 00:56:29,319
Speaker 1: I don't You're gonna have to explain to me why

995
00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:33,239
Speaker 1: you prescribe this medication, and King is most times just

996
00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:38,799
Speaker 1: automatically given automatically, yes, ma'am, No, ma'am. How how may

997
00:56:38,840 --> 00:56:48,040
Speaker 1: I serve you today? And then in closing, we asked

998
00:56:48,120 --> 00:56:52,160
Speaker 1: for some advice, some some words of wisdom, and perhaps

999
00:56:52,239 --> 00:56:55,400
Speaker 1: resources for people who are interested in learning more or

1000
00:56:55,400 --> 00:57:00,200
Speaker 1: perhaps getting involved in the world of kink. Well with us,

1001
00:57:00,200 --> 00:57:02,200
Speaker 1: I want to go ahead. I think you already kind

1002
00:57:02,200 --> 00:57:04,960
Speaker 1: of gave advice to beginners. But yeah, let's go ahead

1003
00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:08,239
Speaker 1: and go a little deeper. Let's say we listener or

1004
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:11,319
Speaker 1: ourselves want to be involved. How would we begin What

1005
00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:14,320
Speaker 1: would be some advice you would give to new people

1006
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:20,520
Speaker 1: specifically around the king community or anything. Just say we're

1007
00:57:20,600 --> 00:57:22,360
Speaker 1: brand new to all of it and trying to figure

1008
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:24,880
Speaker 1: out what we may want to like or maybe want

1009
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:30,560
Speaker 1: to be involved with. I think it depends on your personality. So, like,

1010
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:32,000
Speaker 1: if you're the type of person who likes to do

1011
00:57:32,040 --> 00:57:34,320
Speaker 1: a research a lot, like I might like go online

1012
00:57:34,360 --> 00:57:36,640
Speaker 1: and read a bunch of things and see what turns

1013
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:39,080
Speaker 1: you on and then maybe find a group that is

1014
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:42,240
Speaker 1: catered towards that and see, like if if it really

1015
00:57:42,280 --> 00:57:45,000
Speaker 1: is as interesting as you think. Um. I will say, like,

1016
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:48,800
Speaker 1: one thing that people misunderstand about the community is that

1017
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 1: they think that like when they show up at an event,

1018
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,240
Speaker 1: it's going to be everyone like super decked out and

1019
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:55,160
Speaker 1: like cool gear, and they're going to be like way

1020
00:57:55,200 --> 00:57:59,000
Speaker 1: cooler than you. They're not like everyone in the King community. Okay,

1021
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:01,200
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say everyone. Let me not be reductive.

1022
00:58:01,560 --> 00:58:04,960
Speaker 1: Many many people in the Key community are incredible nerds

1023
00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:08,880
Speaker 1: who are super socially awkward. They just happen to be

1024
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:13,320
Speaker 1: really nerdy about sex. So when you show up in

1025
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:18,360
Speaker 1: these environments like no one's like at a restaurant wearing

1026
00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:21,040
Speaker 1: like head to toe latex with a bowl whip, like,

1027
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:23,640
Speaker 1: that's just not going to be the thing. Um So,

1028
00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:26,000
Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about being intimidated or not

1029
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:28,480
Speaker 1: fitting in. Most of the conversation at the month I

1030
00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:30,320
Speaker 1: was at two days ago was about Game of Thrones,

1031
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:33,680
Speaker 1: Like that's just how this is going to go, you know. So, um,

1032
00:58:33,840 --> 00:58:36,280
Speaker 1: I actually sometimes get frustrated by how little King conversation

1033
00:58:36,320 --> 00:58:40,040
Speaker 1: there are I think of it, um so. Um So,

1034
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:42,160
Speaker 1: I just kind of no, I think that like it's

1035
00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:44,520
Speaker 1: just normal people. This is just one aspect of their lives.

1036
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:48,120
Speaker 1: If sexuality was their entire lives, like that would be

1037
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:50,920
Speaker 1: a pretty boring group of humans, you know. Um. And

1038
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:52,840
Speaker 1: so I think that you just make friends like you

1039
00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:55,200
Speaker 1: do in any other subculture, and try to figure out

1040
00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:57,240
Speaker 1: who you might line up with you hear something that's

1041
00:58:57,240 --> 00:59:00,640
Speaker 1: interesting to you, and just ask them to pick their brain, um,

1042
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:03,000
Speaker 1: and be polite like you would in any other environment.

1043
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:07,240
Speaker 1: Don't assume that because people have specific sexual um proclivities

1044
00:59:07,360 --> 00:59:09,360
Speaker 1: or interests, that they want to talk to you about

1045
00:59:09,400 --> 00:59:11,920
Speaker 1: sex or that they want to do those things with you. Um,

1046
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:14,439
Speaker 1: that's a misnomer that a lot of people do. Make,

1047
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:17,840
Speaker 1: you know, Like it's still sensitive, right, Like because you

1048
00:59:17,880 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 1: see a picture of me on the internet doing a

1049
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:20,960
Speaker 1: certain thing doesn't mean that I want to do that

1050
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:24,640
Speaker 1: to you. So um uh, maybe it does, I don't know,

1051
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:27,280
Speaker 1: but like I mean for some people, and I think

1052
00:59:27,400 --> 00:59:30,479
Speaker 1: especially like there are monogamous people who like if someone

1053
00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,720
Speaker 1: was coming up to Sammy many times it's like, oh,

1054
00:59:32,800 --> 00:59:35,160
Speaker 1: I saw a picture of you and you didn't have

1055
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:37,800
Speaker 1: a top on, and so clearly just take your top

1056
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,320
Speaker 1: off now, Like that's horribly rude, Like this is not

1057
00:59:40,400 --> 00:59:42,400
Speaker 1: good behavior, right, so I act like you would in

1058
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:46,560
Speaker 1: any other social situation, and make make friends and do

1059
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:49,080
Speaker 1: some learning. Just start start from learning. I would say.

1060
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:53,000
Speaker 1: So if they're just if they're interested in getting into

1061
00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:55,800
Speaker 1: kink and they want to try some stuff, I think

1062
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:58,040
Speaker 1: that they can start light. You know, there's probably like

1063
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:00,880
Speaker 1: risk restraints that I would suggest, but or jumping into rope,

1064
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:02,320
Speaker 1: that's gonna be a little safer. If they want to

1065
01:00:02,360 --> 01:00:05,640
Speaker 1: see how they like being like tied down. Um, but

1066
01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:09,280
Speaker 1: you can get those at any kinks, I mean any

1067
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:13,960
Speaker 1: sex shop you know, Um, I would try Heck, if

1068
01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:15,760
Speaker 1: you don't want to go out and actually buy things,

1069
01:00:16,040 --> 01:00:18,800
Speaker 1: try wooden spoon from the kitchen. See if you like

1070
01:00:18,840 --> 01:00:23,600
Speaker 1: getting hit with things, you know, spanking. Um. If if

1071
01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:29,160
Speaker 1: that's if you're more interested in like a sado masochistic relationship,

1072
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:33,120
Speaker 1: or if you want to try power exchange that you

1073
01:00:33,160 --> 01:00:36,600
Speaker 1: don't really need any any starter kit tools for I

1074
01:00:36,600 --> 01:00:40,720
Speaker 1: don't think maybe like a caller if you want to

1075
01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:44,920
Speaker 1: try that. Yeah, I guess if people were interested in

1076
01:00:45,040 --> 01:00:47,240
Speaker 1: starting with a little bit of power, I would never

1077
01:00:47,240 --> 01:00:50,960
Speaker 1: say to do that, um without a lot more information,

1078
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:54,760
Speaker 1: but maybe starting with like a protocol or two if

1079
01:00:54,760 --> 01:00:57,280
Speaker 1: you wanted to integrate some power exchange into a relationship,

1080
01:00:57,560 --> 01:01:01,760
Speaker 1: that might be a way to start UM. I could

1081
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:04,040
Speaker 1: again talk about protocol for a long time, but that

1082
01:01:04,120 --> 01:01:06,320
Speaker 1: might be one way to think about it. Like in

1083
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:09,360
Speaker 1: this situation, this behavior will always follow and see what

1084
01:01:09,360 --> 01:01:11,080
Speaker 1: happens with that, and see how it makes you feel

1085
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:13,680
Speaker 1: and talk about it, and if it goes well, try

1086
01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:16,760
Speaker 1: another one. See what happens after that. Well, I didn't

1087
01:01:16,760 --> 01:01:18,040
Speaker 1: want to give you a chance to if you give

1088
01:01:18,080 --> 01:01:20,800
Speaker 1: us some resources that you would give to the audience

1089
01:01:20,800 --> 01:01:23,600
Speaker 1: as well as anybody who's interested to start researching to

1090
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,960
Speaker 1: look at you talked about fet life, so it's f

1091
01:01:26,080 --> 01:01:29,440
Speaker 1: E t l I f E dot com fet life.

1092
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:30,919
Speaker 1: And then if you want to talk about a group

1093
01:01:30,920 --> 01:01:33,520
Speaker 1: which is just like an introductory conversational group, any of

1094
01:01:33,520 --> 01:01:37,560
Speaker 1: those things. I don't know that I can like personally

1095
01:01:37,600 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 1: reference any sort of beginners groups and fet life UM

1096
01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:44,560
Speaker 1: they have like groups for beginners, but I also feel

1097
01:01:44,600 --> 01:01:47,320
Speaker 1: like sometimes the beginners groups have more predators because they're

1098
01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:51,360
Speaker 1: they're purposefully looking for beginners UM, and that's there. I

1099
01:01:51,360 --> 01:01:54,280
Speaker 1: don't know about any like Atlanta specific ones that's like

1100
01:01:54,320 --> 01:01:56,560
Speaker 1: for the national groups on fet life that are beginners

1101
01:01:57,120 --> 01:02:00,200
Speaker 1: UM and then I would say rope Bide Atlanta is

1102
01:01:59,840 --> 01:02:05,080
Speaker 1: a is a good UM rope resource UM, and you

1103
01:02:05,120 --> 01:02:08,720
Speaker 1: can find them on fet life and you know any

1104
01:02:08,800 --> 01:02:12,240
Speaker 1: of the groups that have regular munches. I just try

1105
01:02:12,280 --> 01:02:14,439
Speaker 1: to go to a couple of them and and sort

1106
01:02:14,440 --> 01:02:19,040
Speaker 1: of see meet people and see what they recommend. I

1107
01:02:19,080 --> 01:02:22,040
Speaker 1: guess a couple of things. If you're interested in reading

1108
01:02:22,120 --> 01:02:27,240
Speaker 1: more about power exchange relationships, I would recommend anything that

1109
01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:33,960
Speaker 1: Raven Caldera has written about power exchange relationships UM. Specifically, UH.

1110
01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:37,600
Speaker 1: He has an essay collection called Paradigms of Power, which

1111
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:39,800
Speaker 1: is a great UM collection of just like different types

1112
01:02:39,840 --> 01:02:42,520
Speaker 1: of power exchange relationships that you can just read and

1113
01:02:42,560 --> 01:02:44,680
Speaker 1: some of them are going to feel very alien and

1114
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:47,160
Speaker 1: some of them might feel very wonderful and familiar. So

1115
01:02:47,200 --> 01:02:48,520
Speaker 1: it's just kind of like, wow, here's a bunch of

1116
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:51,280
Speaker 1: things that exist, and maybe some of them are interesting. UM.

1117
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:54,440
Speaker 1: And also a book called Real Service that is really

1118
01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:57,200
Speaker 1: was really inspirational to me when I first became interested

1119
01:02:57,240 --> 01:03:00,520
Speaker 1: in power exchange relationships. And then on the rope side,

1120
01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:03,600
Speaker 1: just from a risk mitigation standpoint, I might recommend UM

1121
01:03:03,640 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 1: the Clover Guide to rope Bottoming, which you can just

1122
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:09,400
Speaker 1: google Clover Guide to Rope Bottoming UM Clover is a

1123
01:03:09,440 --> 01:03:11,120
Speaker 1: British woman who has written this great guide and it's

1124
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:13,480
Speaker 1: been translated into a ton of different languages, and it's

1125
01:03:13,520 --> 01:03:16,080
Speaker 1: just really informative about just basics of things you need

1126
01:03:16,160 --> 01:03:20,960
Speaker 1: to know before being tied or beginning learning how to tie. UM.

1127
01:03:20,960 --> 01:03:23,080
Speaker 1: And then also E V vein E V I E

1128
01:03:23,160 --> 01:03:25,840
Speaker 1: V A n E has a Rope Bottoming for Everybody,

1129
01:03:25,880 --> 01:03:27,400
Speaker 1: which is a great book. And both of these are

1130
01:03:27,400 --> 01:03:31,400
Speaker 1: free resources available online. UM that is just a great

1131
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:34,280
Speaker 1: resource for rope as well, and they're both like aimed

1132
01:03:34,320 --> 01:03:36,480
Speaker 1: at bottoms for risk mitigation purposes. But I would say,

1133
01:03:36,480 --> 01:03:38,760
Speaker 1: whether you want to top or bottom, I would strongly

1134
01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:42,960
Speaker 1: recommend either one of those. Ye be safe explore, but

1135
01:03:43,040 --> 01:03:52,080
Speaker 1: be safe in or the terminology because dealing with people

1136
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:56,520
Speaker 1: in general, people tend to get hung up on the terms.

1137
01:03:56,560 --> 01:04:00,120
Speaker 1: Like I've noticed people of color don't like to or

1138
01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:06,520
Speaker 1: submissive and surely not no slave, right and ain't about

1139
01:04:06,520 --> 01:04:11,200
Speaker 1: to serve nobody as a master right. So and it

1140
01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:13,840
Speaker 1: takes and I find even to this day because my

1141
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,280
Speaker 1: girlfriend she's like, I'm not a submissive and I'm okay,

1142
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:17,680
Speaker 1: you're a switch. She was like, no, I'm not a

1143
01:04:17,720 --> 01:04:22,320
Speaker 1: switch only bottom for you for wrong, It's like, okay,

1144
01:04:22,320 --> 01:04:26,280
Speaker 1: that's a thing, that can be a thing. And I've

1145
01:04:26,320 --> 01:04:29,320
Speaker 1: noticed like there's negative connotation with some of these words,

1146
01:04:29,360 --> 01:04:32,760
Speaker 1: and it's like it's not you're putting it in that

1147
01:04:32,840 --> 01:04:38,360
Speaker 1: vanilla concept of submission and relinquishing power and it's about that,

1148
01:04:38,560 --> 01:04:41,360
Speaker 1: but in the vanilla concept, that's not okay. That's not

1149
01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:44,120
Speaker 1: something you want to do and kink if that is

1150
01:04:44,160 --> 01:04:49,200
Speaker 1: your natural inclination, go forward, and that's okay. And there

1151
01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:52,360
Speaker 1: are people who love that part about you, like you

1152
01:04:52,400 --> 01:04:57,000
Speaker 1: won't be ostracized, you won't be thought less of because

1153
01:04:57,040 --> 01:04:59,920
Speaker 1: you submit, like people get hung up like my edge.

1154
01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:01,760
Speaker 1: She was like, I don't want to be a submiss up.

1155
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:04,680
Speaker 1: And in my head, I'm like, not only are you

1156
01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:09,840
Speaker 1: super seriss like you're very service oriented. You're that make

1157
01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:12,520
Speaker 1: sure Dennis could make sure the kitchens claim like very

1158
01:05:12,600 --> 01:05:15,760
Speaker 1: service oriented and that's okay. But she had a lot

1159
01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:18,680
Speaker 1: of issues like just getting over that right. So it

1160
01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:21,360
Speaker 1: was like her giving nature was fighting though are you

1161
01:05:21,400 --> 01:05:23,400
Speaker 1: going to take advantage of? Is this gonna take advantage of?

1162
01:05:23,480 --> 01:05:27,480
Speaker 1: Look like I am and and it's taught that's not okay,

1163
01:05:28,160 --> 01:05:31,680
Speaker 1: especially now like, oh, you're supposed you're not supposed to

1164
01:05:31,720 --> 01:05:36,840
Speaker 1: be as domesticated, was like her issue, and I'm like,

1165
01:05:36,960 --> 01:05:39,120
Speaker 1: but it's natural for you, so it should be okay,

1166
01:05:39,320 --> 01:05:43,080
Speaker 1: it really should. Just it doesn't always have to be

1167
01:05:43,160 --> 01:05:46,920
Speaker 1: called something. You can do whatever you feel comfortable with.

1168
01:05:47,280 --> 01:05:49,000
Speaker 1: You literally have to get to a point where you

1169
01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:52,600
Speaker 1: can just say, effic right, that's what that's all. They

1170
01:05:52,600 --> 01:05:56,880
Speaker 1: were like, oh, you're you're aggressive. I'm like, um, okay,

1171
01:05:56,920 --> 01:06:01,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let you lest you that I'm are dominance,

1172
01:06:02,440 --> 01:06:06,120
Speaker 1: um extroverted type of personality. But that's what you want

1173
01:06:06,160 --> 01:06:12,040
Speaker 1: to call it, but go ahead, right, So ignoring the

1174
01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:14,720
Speaker 1: titles and being free enough to find things out without

1175
01:06:14,800 --> 01:06:19,680
Speaker 1: feeling mocked out because yeah the labels box you win

1176
01:06:19,880 --> 01:06:23,400
Speaker 1: and you was like, so coming with an open mind, Yeah,

1177
01:06:23,680 --> 01:06:27,320
Speaker 1: do not do a Google search. Do not. This is

1178
01:06:27,320 --> 01:06:33,720
Speaker 1: not fifty is it? Actur You gotta get some porn

1179
01:06:33,800 --> 01:06:38,440
Speaker 1: hub stuff. It's very extreme. It will turn you. I

1180
01:06:38,480 --> 01:06:41,000
Speaker 1: had someone who did a Google search. It's just like

1181
01:06:41,840 --> 01:06:45,640
Speaker 1: you like this type, and I'm just like, get off

1182
01:06:45,680 --> 01:06:50,000
Speaker 1: of Google right now. Yes. I was like, let me

1183
01:06:50,040 --> 01:06:52,000
Speaker 1: show you a real life that's like really really a

1184
01:06:52,160 --> 01:06:57,960
Speaker 1: streme and I'm not a lot into different degregation. But

1185
01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:03,760
Speaker 1: but it's not that it's not like that. UM. I

1186
01:07:03,880 --> 01:07:06,480
Speaker 1: use YouTube more. I tend to find you, like there's

1187
01:07:06,520 --> 01:07:12,800
Speaker 1: actual sites that UM that like focus on bondage, on

1188
01:07:12,880 --> 01:07:16,320
Speaker 1: shabari in general. I also use Vimo tends to be

1189
01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:21,240
Speaker 1: a little um more useful because it actually has they

1190
01:07:21,320 --> 01:07:24,320
Speaker 1: give lessons on YouTube and be like on how to

1191
01:07:24,360 --> 01:07:30,080
Speaker 1: do things. That's actually pretty accurate. Um. But fat life

1192
01:07:30,120 --> 01:07:32,400
Speaker 1: is the number the number one thing. Like once I

1193
01:07:32,440 --> 01:07:34,880
Speaker 1: got on fat and I started typing in these words

1194
01:07:34,880 --> 01:07:37,480
Speaker 1: and these pictures was coming, I was just like, oh,

1195
01:07:37,960 --> 01:07:42,480
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, that's amazing like that like those bondage pictures.

1196
01:07:42,520 --> 01:07:46,400
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I want to do that one.

1197
01:07:46,480 --> 01:07:49,880
Speaker 1: If you know somebody who's actually active in practicing in

1198
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:52,320
Speaker 1: the life, asked them about it and see if they

1199
01:07:52,320 --> 01:07:55,440
Speaker 1: can go with you. I gotta tell my girlfriend my homeboy,

1200
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:57,400
Speaker 1: if you want to do something, can't let me know.

1201
01:07:57,560 --> 01:08:01,920
Speaker 1: I will come with you. Um, don't go to nobody's house.

1202
01:08:02,800 --> 01:08:05,160
Speaker 1: We oh, they don't want to go to a much.

1203
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:07,640
Speaker 1: That sound effy to me. They don't want to go

1204
01:08:07,640 --> 01:08:10,200
Speaker 1: into public. Okay, I get the discretion and all this stuff,

1205
01:08:10,200 --> 01:08:11,560
Speaker 1: but you you don't want to go to a lab,

1206
01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:15,760
Speaker 1: a workshop, not intent, not nothing, and you only want

1207
01:08:15,760 --> 01:08:19,840
Speaker 1: to do it as somebody house. No, not happening. That's red.

1208
01:08:20,040 --> 01:08:23,880
Speaker 1: Don't even entertain it. It will not leave. How I

1209
01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:26,360
Speaker 1: don't even much say give people your phone number because

1210
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:29,400
Speaker 1: they can google that and figure out and put that

1211
01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:36,920
Speaker 1: in Facebook or whatever. Um but I always say, go

1212
01:08:37,200 --> 01:08:41,679
Speaker 1: to public events. If it's a munch, scroll down, see

1213
01:08:41,720 --> 01:08:45,280
Speaker 1: how many people are going. If it's like three or four, man,

1214
01:08:45,320 --> 01:08:47,960
Speaker 1: I want to go there, go there by yourself. I

1215
01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:53,800
Speaker 1: just do not go by yourself. That's my biggest thing. Um.

1216
01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:57,360
Speaker 1: Ask around. People are usually very open, like if you

1217
01:08:57,439 --> 01:09:00,240
Speaker 1: ask them a question, Hey, I saw this rule, but

1218
01:09:00,240 --> 01:09:01,680
Speaker 1: I saw that you're a part of it. What do

1219
01:09:01,680 --> 01:09:05,000
Speaker 1: you think about it? That was fine. I was fond

1220
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:08,439
Speaker 1: all the time, like, oh, well, hello, ma'am. I was

1221
01:09:08,479 --> 01:09:11,720
Speaker 1: thinking about attending this squorkshop. Will you be eire? I

1222
01:09:11,760 --> 01:09:17,400
Speaker 1: will good? Don't be scared. Don't be scared. Well, I

1223
01:09:17,400 --> 01:09:19,519
Speaker 1: mean it's okay to be scared, but don't let that

1224
01:09:19,640 --> 01:09:22,679
Speaker 1: hinder you from moving forward. Right, try it out. So

1225
01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,160
Speaker 1: if you guys want to try the kink for all,

1226
01:09:24,200 --> 01:09:29,479
Speaker 1: aremas your girl to to ask? Yes? Literally? Life type

1227
01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:34,519
Speaker 1: in r E M A H message me that was fine,

1228
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:38,720
Speaker 1: and that brings us to the end of this our

1229
01:09:38,840 --> 01:09:41,240
Speaker 1: two parter on D S M. It could have been

1230
01:09:41,360 --> 01:09:45,839
Speaker 1: probably like a twenty seven part um and again driving

1231
01:09:45,880 --> 01:09:49,640
Speaker 1: home consent. Consent. It's so important, and especially as we

1232
01:09:49,680 --> 01:09:53,880
Speaker 1: talk more and more and more about what this looks

1233
01:09:53,920 --> 01:09:56,800
Speaker 1: like as well as being able to have the right

1234
01:09:56,840 --> 01:10:00,080
Speaker 1: to say yes or no and being alert enough to

1235
01:10:00,080 --> 01:10:02,360
Speaker 1: say yes or no, or old enough to say yes

1236
01:10:02,439 --> 01:10:04,559
Speaker 1: or no. Right, We're just gonna leave at that. That

1237
01:10:04,560 --> 01:10:06,960
Speaker 1: that is. That is one of the best things that

1238
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:10,679
Speaker 1: I kept hearing from them, not only that they are

1239
01:10:11,600 --> 01:10:15,240
Speaker 1: exploring something new, but it's all about consent and how

1240
01:10:15,320 --> 01:10:17,559
Speaker 1: much power a woman does have to say yes or

1241
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:23,600
Speaker 1: no rights, and that is something we're saying again and

1242
01:10:23,640 --> 01:10:28,800
Speaker 1: again and again. Sigh. Have you sigh? Thanks so much

1243
01:10:28,840 --> 01:10:32,080
Speaker 1: to you all of them for agreeing to to come

1244
01:10:32,120 --> 01:10:35,519
Speaker 1: on our show, Sammy, Lily and Moxie, which by the way,

1245
01:10:35,600 --> 01:10:40,559
Speaker 1: that's there um pseudonyms um. And then Rima, who was like, yeah,

1246
01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:42,400
Speaker 1: come at me, I got all the advice for you.

1247
01:10:42,680 --> 01:10:45,519
Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much. You're amazing. So yeah, um,

1248
01:10:45,600 --> 01:10:47,639
Speaker 1: I will say last time we were like, hey, reach

1249
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:49,439
Speaker 1: out to us if you're part of this world, if

1250
01:10:49,439 --> 01:10:51,720
Speaker 1: there's things that we need to know, and we got

1251
01:10:51,720 --> 01:10:55,760
Speaker 1: a really great reaction. Um. One of our Twitter people's

1252
01:10:55,760 --> 01:11:02,759
Speaker 1: her handle is Bagel dom Hello. I enjoyed that. Um.

1253
01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:06,000
Speaker 1: She has a blog as well, if with uh medium

1254
01:11:06,000 --> 01:11:08,439
Speaker 1: dot com and one of the columns was when your

1255
01:11:08,439 --> 01:11:11,160
Speaker 1: tender date turns out to be a dominatrix. So I

1256
01:11:11,200 --> 01:11:12,840
Speaker 1: think that would be a fun read. I think I

1257
01:11:12,880 --> 01:11:17,080
Speaker 1: did read that. So she was one of those I

1258
01:11:17,120 --> 01:11:19,559
Speaker 1: came in and was like, hey, thanks for not things,

1259
01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:22,200
Speaker 1: but was encouraged to hear so many women being on

1260
01:11:22,280 --> 01:11:27,679
Speaker 1: a podcast. So thank you, Bagel dong that for reaching

1261
01:11:27,680 --> 01:11:31,360
Speaker 1: out because that was really fantastic information. Yes, and if

1262
01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:34,080
Speaker 1: any of you listeners would like to reach out, you

1263
01:11:34,160 --> 01:11:37,400
Speaker 1: can Our email is Stuff Media, mom Stuff at iHeart

1264
01:11:37,400 --> 01:11:40,519
Speaker 1: media dot com. You can find us on Instagram at

1265
01:11:40,520 --> 01:11:42,800
Speaker 1: stuff but I've Never Told You and on Twitter at

1266
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:47,599
Speaker 1: mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks also as Alai Start superproducer Andrew

1267
01:11:47,600 --> 01:11:54,000
Speaker 1: Howard not Anthony, not Anthony, that's an insider joke. Thanks

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Speaker 1: to you for listening. Stuff I've Never Told You is

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Speaker 1: a prediction of Iheartradios How Stuff works. For more podcasts

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Speaker 1: from I Heart radio is a I Hired You app,

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Speaker 1: Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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Speaker 1: H