Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Hi, Hello.
Speaker 2: How are you.
Speaker 1: Just chilling looking at the fucking ocean and just.
Speaker 2: Chilling looking at the fucking ocean and drinking beer? Okay?
Speaker 2: How many beers are you telling him?
Speaker 1: And I am here what you said?
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Cody. It says here that, uh, you were
Speaker 2: banned in my twitch chat and you you say here
Speaker 2: that you would like to be redeemed.
Speaker 1: Yes, I would like to be redeemed.
Speaker 2: Okay. Do you remember what you were banned for?
Speaker 1: For the most part?
Speaker 2: Okay, well tell tell me, tell me the most of
Speaker 2: that part.
Speaker 1: Uh. I was just watching the stream one night, and
Speaker 1: I wasn't only one in the chat that was getting upset.
Speaker 1: Some some girl just kept going on and on and
Speaker 1: I told her to shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2: The band okay, Okay, So somebody was was talking on
Speaker 2: the stream, you told them to shut the fuck up,
Speaker 2: and you got bands okay. And now you are coming
Speaker 2: to me for for for redemption. And I assume this
Speaker 2: means that you've you've h regret do you look? So
Speaker 2: let me ask you this. Do you regret saying that
Speaker 2: in the chat?
Speaker 1: I regret it saying it to that person.
Speaker 2: You regretted by saying it to that person.
Speaker 1: I regret it saying to that person, and individually.
Speaker 2: You regret saying it to that person individually. Yes, okay,
Speaker 2: why do you regret it?
Speaker 1: Because I love you?
Speaker 2: Okay, So because you love me, you regret typing in
Speaker 2: the chats telling this person to shut up? Yes? Okay,
Speaker 2: what's your user? What's your username? Is?
Speaker 1: On my high Horse underscore?
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna look you up right now. Hold on, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna is it. Okay if I read exactly what
Speaker 2: you said.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can, because because I don't even remember what
Speaker 1: I said.
Speaker 2: To be honest, were you were you drunk when you
Speaker 2: said it?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, here we go.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, okay.
Speaker 2: I'm I'm not gonna you know, I'm not going to
Speaker 2: read this. Okay, I'm not going to read this because
Speaker 2: I'm it'll just perpetuated into the universe. Okay, you were
Speaker 2: you were? You were banned a year ago. You were
Speaker 2: banned a year ago.
Speaker 1: I've been around for a little bit.
Speaker 2: Okay, you're banned a year ago. Solid solid band. Deserved band.
Speaker 2: It's deserve Okay, why do you feel like it's deserved?
Speaker 1: It was just not nice?
Speaker 2: Okay, because here here, here's the thing is you know,
Speaker 2: and look, I am not I don't desire nor do
Speaker 2: I feel qualified to be any kind of moral arbiter
Speaker 2: in the universe. I'm here to tell you it was
Speaker 2: bad and was good, but I mean it was a
Speaker 2: pretty deserved band. So you feel like you you regret
Speaker 2: it because you like me, but not because you feel
Speaker 2: like it was a mean thing to say.
Speaker 1: I think it was me. It was mean, but it's fun,
Speaker 1: It's all. I don't know. Like, I just I'm a
Speaker 1: very confrontational person and I don't really want to be.
Speaker 1: But like I got pretty much. I got let go.
Speaker 1: I didn't get fired, but I got let go of
Speaker 1: my dream job. Okay, and it was in law enforcement,
Speaker 1: that's all I will say.
Speaker 3: M hm.
Speaker 1: And I got let go of an incident that happened.
Speaker 1: And ever since then, I have been just pissed off
Speaker 1: at this fucking world, in every single body, and I
Speaker 1: just like confrontation.
Speaker 3: M hmm.
Speaker 1: And I don't know what the fuck to do about it. Kay,
Speaker 1: has turned me into just a complete asshole.
Speaker 2: Okay, do you do you do you have a real therapist?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Okay, Well here's the thing. You definitely need to go
Speaker 2: to a real therapist, because it sounds like you, uh
Speaker 2: you know, are having a difficult time and it is
Speaker 2: causing you to uh deflect that out in ways they're
Speaker 2: not amazing. And look, I think everyone's entitled to to
Speaker 2: uh walk their path towards uh you know, becoming better
Speaker 2: whatever that looks like you for themselves. Why Okay, when
Speaker 2: did this thing happen that you say is the catalyst
Speaker 2: for you being angry?
Speaker 1: You talking about when I got fired from my law
Speaker 1: enforcement job. Yes, it was about like it's been like
Speaker 1: five years. Okay, Well, like there's there's a thing called
Speaker 1: Post and Post is essentially like court for people in
Speaker 1: law enforcement that I like have to go through to
Speaker 1: get approved to eat like work in law enforcement again.
Speaker 1: But it's like I can't go right now, Like even
Speaker 1: if I do go, like, I don't know if I'll
Speaker 1: have a job in law enforcement again. So I don't
Speaker 1: even know if I want to go or not.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I just like it.
Speaker 1: It'll be a waste of time for me to even go.
Speaker 2: Okay, So you were fired from a law enforcement job.
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 1: I wasn't fired the sheriff. The sheriff where I worked
Speaker 1: at she she was kind of like a family friend
Speaker 1: kind of thing, and that's how I got the job
Speaker 1: in the first place. And then I had I had
Speaker 1: worked for about three years and the incident happened, and
Speaker 1: then she essentially just told me just to kind of
Speaker 1: head on out before I do get fired, you know.
Speaker 2: Okay, And you say there is some sort of a
Speaker 2: court that people go to to to try to get
Speaker 2: reassigned for jobs.
Speaker 1: Pretty much, I mean, I pretty much I got fired.
Speaker 1: I pretty much got fired, but but I didn't get
Speaker 1: fired though. She kind of just told me to leave.
Speaker 1: But I didn't get fired though. She just took like, okay,
Speaker 1: all right everything.
Speaker 2: So so so I mean, listen, these I don't I
Speaker 2: don't even Okay, So this happens. You no longer worked
Speaker 2: your job, and you this is something that made you
Speaker 2: very upset. It happened five years ago, and for the
Speaker 2: past five years you have been upset. You have been angry,
Speaker 2: and you say that, uh, wrestling with this anger, you
Speaker 2: have taken it out on other people, and as you say,
Speaker 2: you have become an asshole.
Speaker 1: Yes, because I lost the job that that was my
Speaker 1: dream job, and I don't give a fuck about anything anymore.
Speaker 2: Okay, my dream job.
Speaker 1: Okay, and then I don't give a fuck about anything
Speaker 1: or anybody anymore.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, let me his thing. I'm gonna talk
Speaker 2: to you about this. You also talk to this about
Speaker 2: this with the real therapist. Let me ask you a question. Okay,
Speaker 2: this job was your dream job? What? Why was it
Speaker 2: your dream job?
Speaker 1: To be like, I don't know what?
Speaker 2: What? Like?
Speaker 1: What made it my dream job?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: I don't know, like it literally they could call me
Speaker 1: like I would work seven days a week if they were, like,
Speaker 1: I just loved it, like okay, so let me dream
Speaker 1: job like I just enjoyed it so much.
Speaker 2: Tell me tell what did you enjoy about it?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess like having power over people. I don't know that.
Speaker 1: That sounds bad. That sounds bad for all I'm I'm
Speaker 1: not speaking for all of them. No, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, Well, I mean, let's get into it. Well, okay,
Speaker 2: well let's hear it. Well here here, okay, hold on,
Speaker 2: all right, let's get into that for a second. Let's
Speaker 2: get into that for a second. Why did you like
Speaker 2: having power over people?
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. I'm I'm kind of a
Speaker 1: smaller built.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, I don't know, and this is true. I mean,
Speaker 2: are you You're not fucking with me? This is all No, Okay,
Speaker 2: you liked having power over people because you are a
Speaker 2: smaller guy. Throughout your life, do you feel as though
Speaker 2: you did not have a lot of power?
Speaker 1: I mean not really, but like you know what, it
Speaker 1: wouldn't even power. It was more I take that back.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't even the power over people. It was attention,
Speaker 1: is what it was.
Speaker 2: It mm hmm. You liked going around them, Okay, it
Speaker 2: was attention and you felt as though when you had
Speaker 2: a uniform on you and you were in this position,
Speaker 2: you were getting attention.
Speaker 1: Yes, uns that that's that's almost like that's that's exactly
Speaker 1: what it was, is attention. When when people saw me
Speaker 1: they would just like look at me and be like
Speaker 1: ooh uh you know yeah.
Speaker 2: What what was it that was so intoxicating to you
Speaker 2: about this attention? I guess I guess. I mean same
Speaker 2: question with the power thing. Like throughout your life you
Speaker 2: felt as though you weren't you didn't get a lot
Speaker 2: of attention.
Speaker 1: No, Like in high school, like I was like hop pier,
Speaker 1: Like I was like like one of the like soup,
Speaker 1: like really popular kids. And I went to like a
Speaker 1: huge high school and I like I was up there,
Speaker 1: but like, I don't know, I just like attention.
Speaker 2: Mkay do you and do you still like attention?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Why do you like attention so much?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I really I really don't. I have
Speaker 1: no idea.
Speaker 2: Okay hmm.
Speaker 1: I like always wanted to be the center of attention
Speaker 1: no matter what, and like there's no rhyme or reason
Speaker 1: behind it.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm. Does does attention make you happy? Yes? Okay?
Speaker 2: Do you have Do you have friends?
Speaker 1: I just moved to Florida, so not really like moving
Speaker 1: from out of state, Like I've only been here since August,
Speaker 1: so like I'm still trying to meet people. Like I
Speaker 1: had a ship ton of I don't want to say
Speaker 1: a ship ton of friends. I had like one or
Speaker 1: two people that I could call at any time of
Speaker 1: day if I needed help and they would be there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Do you what about your family down here?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 2: No many?
Speaker 1: Like I love my parents?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, okay, do you've like I mean, this is
Speaker 2: like you know, classic ship but like when you do
Speaker 2: you feel like they gave you enough attention? Oh?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they do they have.
Speaker 2: They have.
Speaker 1: Like been in my baking call since I was born,
Speaker 1: even now, like I'm twenty seven now, and like they're
Speaker 1: you know, I'm to my parents, welcome to death.
Speaker 2: Okay, So you're upset now because you lost the thing
Speaker 2: that was giving you all this attention that was making
Speaker 2: you happen. Yeah, okay, I have some thoughts. If you do,
Speaker 2: you want to hear my thoughts, I do. Okay, first
Speaker 2: one obvious one. I'm sure everyone in the chat is
Speaker 2: talking about it. It's okay, listen, it's okay. It's okay
Speaker 2: if you like attention. Lots of people like attention. By
Speaker 2: the way, everyone likes attention. I don't care how cool
Speaker 2: you think you are or whatever. Everyone likes that. People
Speaker 2: type in chat because they want attention. I you know,
Speaker 2: stream because I want to attention to. You have fred, you talk,
Speaker 2: you text your friend because you want attention. Everyone wants attention.
Speaker 2: That people post on social medi because they want attention.
Speaker 2: People have always wanted attention. Attention has always been important
Speaker 2: to people. It's okay that you want attention. However, that's
Speaker 2: not a great reason to be in law enforcement. Uh
Speaker 2: I would say that off the bat. Okay, I'm glad
Speaker 2: to hear that you agree.
Speaker 3: I agree.
Speaker 2: Okay, good, glad to hear that you agree. So since
Speaker 2: you okay, so how about that since you agree, you
Speaker 2: you you're telling me you agree that attention is not
Speaker 2: a good reason to be in law enforcements. So with
Speaker 2: that said, now that you are no longer in law enforcements,
Speaker 2: you are now no longer in a position that is
Speaker 2: probably not great for you to be in in the
Speaker 2: first place, considering your motives for being in it. Would
Speaker 2: you agree with that?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, okay, okay, So listen. So now we're
Speaker 2: in the present and you want attention, and we've established
Speaker 2: that's okay. It's fine that people need attention in their lives.
Speaker 2: So now that we know that your previous job was
Speaker 2: not the best place for you to be serving this need,
Speaker 2: what is the best place for you to be serving
Speaker 2: this need? And have we I guess? Well, I guess.
Speaker 2: I mean even more than that, I'm wondering like this attention,
Speaker 2: Like where does the need come from? And I don't know.
Speaker 2: This is why you should talk to a real therapist
Speaker 2: to really figure out this shit, because what I'm wondering is, like,
Speaker 2: is the need from attention, coming from a good place,
Speaker 2: and I'm asking you, you know, these questions to try
Speaker 2: to figure out that answer, sir, which again I'm not
Speaker 2: qualified to do. I'm not a real therapist. I'm a
Speaker 2: crazy guy in a geck with costume.
Speaker 1: I guess I'm trying to see like the cool guy
Speaker 1: or something, you know, Like I don't like, I don't know.
Speaker 4: I was.
Speaker 1: I had I worked in the jail where I lived
Speaker 1: at you could you could work in the jail at eighteen,
Speaker 1: and I had started working in the jail and then
Speaker 1: you could get to work in the jail for like
Speaker 1: two years and then they would put you to the
Speaker 1: police academy for free. And then I've been like patrolling
Speaker 1: on the road since I was twenty one, so it
Speaker 1: was like a good three years. But like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I guess I was trying to I don't know, like
Speaker 1: I love the work, but I, like I said, I
Speaker 1: also like the attention, and I was just, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know, but like I I like the work,
Speaker 1: though it wasn't all about the attention, but that was
Speaker 1: like a big part of it.
Speaker 2: All right, because listen, what I was going to say
Speaker 2: is listen, if you want to be in I would
Speaker 2: hope that if you want to be in law enforcement,
Speaker 2: you want to do it because and listen, we you know,
Speaker 2: obviously there's lots of like subtext to this that I
Speaker 2: don't understand because I'm dumb, But I would hope at
Speaker 2: least the intentions I'm just talking about intentions. I would
Speaker 2: hope at least your intentions would be that you want
Speaker 2: to help people.
Speaker 1: That I mean that that is another part of it,
Speaker 1: Like I do, like I really do, Like I do
Speaker 1: enjoy helping people, like I did. I did volunteer fire
Speaker 1: at EMS, like I went to EMS school, like I'm certified. Okay,
Speaker 1: I do enjoy helping people because I mean most pops
Speaker 1: where I'm at are like certified like bms, like they
Speaker 1: have to be certified to do that. Like I do
Speaker 1: enjoy helping people. But it's it's a lot about like status,
Speaker 1: okay to like to me, I don't know, it's weird.
Speaker 1: I'm typical. I mean a lot of a lot of
Speaker 1: people will agree like it's typical. I know.
Speaker 2: But okay, so now I'm like, okay, like we've said,
Speaker 2: we've established that being in law enforcement for the desire
Speaker 2: of status or of attention is probably not the best
Speaker 2: idea for you. I think you've agreed to that. But
Speaker 2: and so now can we at least like.
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: I guess what I would hope is that if you
Speaker 2: have understood that, you can start to replace this anger
Speaker 2: with some form of optimism or determination toward a better future,
Speaker 2: where now that you've understood these underlying things that you're
Speaker 2: trying to serve, a desire for status, a desire to
Speaker 2: help people, you can go, Okay, I have a better
Speaker 2: understanding of myself and what I want. And with that
Speaker 2: better understanding, I'm actually learning that my previous position was
Speaker 2: actually not the best way to serve these underlying desires
Speaker 2: that I have. And so I shouldn't be so upset
Speaker 2: that that's not my life anymore, and I should now
Speaker 2: just focus one hundred percent on how can I, moving
Speaker 2: forward best serve these underlying desires that I have. And
Speaker 2: instead of being angry because I thought that my previous
Speaker 2: position was the only way to serve these underlying desires,
Speaker 2: I actually know now that not only was it not
Speaker 2: a great way to serve those underlying desires, but that
Speaker 2: there are in fact infinite different possibilities that I haven't
Speaker 2: even thought of yet to serve these underlying desires. And now,
Speaker 2: instead of being pissed off and angry and you know,
Speaker 2: taking that out unproductively by you know, yelling in a
Speaker 2: Twitch chat or being an asshole to someone or any
Speaker 2: of the things that you're describing, instead you use all
Speaker 2: that energy in exploring these infinite avenues and possibilities for
Speaker 2: you to serve these underlying desires that we have uncovered
Speaker 2: over the course of this phone call. And that's a
Speaker 2: more productive way to use our time. What do you
Speaker 2: think about all of that?
Speaker 1: I mean, I've kind of like I've stepped away from
Speaker 1: all that, and I like I don't even I don't
Speaker 1: even want to do it anymore, like when I've kind
Speaker 1: of moved down here to the Florida, like I'm I'm
Speaker 1: pool boy now, but like I kind of enjoy this shit,
Speaker 1: like it's kind of nice. Like I don't know, oh
Speaker 1: I like it, but like I don't know, Uh, it's
Speaker 1: just like attitude has really, I mean it's changed a
Speaker 1: little bit, but like a lot of people.
Speaker 3: Still notice it.
Speaker 1: But like I enjoy what I'm doing now though, but
Speaker 1: I still, I guess because I miss it a lot
Speaker 1: is still the reason why my attitude is still the
Speaker 1: way it is because I still kind of miss it.
Speaker 1: You know, Hm, I would I would like to do
Speaker 1: it again, but I also enjoy what I'm doing now
Speaker 1: a lot.
Speaker 2: Okay, good, I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying what
Speaker 2: you're doing now. Well listen, Cody, Thanks for sharing all
Speaker 2: of this. It definitely sounds like if you can, if
Speaker 2: you have the resources too, you should go and try
Speaker 2: to talk to a real therapist. And I hope that
Speaker 2: you continue to find the ways in your life to
Speaker 2: serve those those underlying desires that we've kind of talked
Speaker 2: about over the course of this call. Uh, is there
Speaker 2: anything else you want to say to the people of
Speaker 2: the computer before we go?
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to love everybody in the chat
Speaker 1: instead of hating ho them.
Speaker 2: Good. I had to hear that.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you taking my call. I listen to you
Speaker 1: every single day while I'm cleaning pools.
Speaker 2: But I'm gonna imagine myself as a leaf that you're
Speaker 2: picking up with that net thing. I don't know why
Speaker 2: I said that, but thank you for calling code shit.
Speaker 2: You have a good night. I love you, Take care man.
Speaker 2: So yeah, So, uh, I mean, look, I I I
Speaker 2: fucking I. I'm pretty sure everything I said to that
Speaker 2: guy made sense. I'm glad to hear that. Uh. Over
Speaker 2: the it sounds it sounded like some of this resonated
Speaker 2: with him. I I I'm glad that he seems as
Speaker 2: though at least he has this understanding that his previous
Speaker 2: position did not, you know what, was not the best
Speaker 2: way to serve his his desires for status and attention.
Speaker 2: I don't think that those desires are necessarily bad, but I,
Speaker 2: like I, you know, obviously, law enforcement is not the
Speaker 2: best way to serve them. And so I'm glad to
Speaker 2: hear he's doing something else, and I hope he's glad
Speaker 2: he's doing something else too. Hello. Hi, Hi, Who is this?
Speaker 4: My name is Kayla. Hi, therapy Gecko. How are you tonight?
Speaker 2: I'm doing all right? How are you? I?
Speaker 4: I'm really struggling over here. I don't know if you've
Speaker 4: read my prompt and I can go over that.
Speaker 2: Uh. Well, yeah, what's going on?
Speaker 3: So?
Speaker 4: I've been with my husband for five years now, since
Speaker 4: we're fifteen, so I'm twenty now, and we've just been
Speaker 4: kind of like best friends on healthily ghosts for those
Speaker 4: five years, I would say, And then in September of
Speaker 4: this season year, he accidentally came out to me as transgender,
Speaker 4: which was a complete shock. I had no idea. I
Speaker 4: thought I knew him very closely and intimately. And ever
Speaker 4: since then, it's just been a constant kind of battle
Speaker 4: within myself of whether I'm staying in this relationship, if
Speaker 4: I'm leaving this relationship other means like if I leave,
Speaker 4: I'm a transfer, but absolutely not. I love all LGBTQ people.
Speaker 4: I just am that one myself.
Speaker 2: So tell me, in what way did did this person
Speaker 2: accidentally come out to you? What does that mean?
Speaker 4: Yeah, we actual or we had both agreed to lay
Speaker 4: off our kind of take a hiatus from marijuana for
Speaker 4: a while, I included, And one night I smelled it
Speaker 4: on his breast and so I just like said, hey,
Speaker 4: what are you smoking?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 4: And I'm understand I had all this stuff that we
Speaker 4: used in my in my personal tour or whatever, and
Speaker 4: he kept trying to like hide it from me whatever.
Speaker 4: He finally admitted to it and I'm like, so, what
Speaker 4: are you smoking?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 4: Where is it? He just would not tell me for
Speaker 4: the life of me. We have a one bedroom apartment,
Speaker 4: and so I just started getting like really mad, what
Speaker 4: do you need to hide from me? That's disimportant, you know,
Speaker 4: and he wouldn't tell me whatever. I went to bed
Speaker 4: for the night, just really confused, and the next day
Speaker 4: I come home from work and he had wrote me
Speaker 4: a letter basically saying the reason I wouldn't show you
Speaker 4: where it was is because I have these supplements. And
Speaker 4: this is the reason why I'm taking these supplements is
Speaker 4: I want to.
Speaker 2: Go okay, all right. So they're on some kind of
Speaker 2: like a like a hormone therapy, not quite.
Speaker 4: Like a prescribed hormone, but it was like like an
Speaker 4: over the counter supplement. It was really okay.
Speaker 2: So I mean, listen, they didn't accidentally come out to you.
Speaker 2: You know, they they they you know, told that you know,
Speaker 2: there was a situation where you know, they were like,
Speaker 2: I don't know if I want you to go in here,
Speaker 2: and then eventually they're like, you know, I can't keep
Speaker 2: the cigarette anymore. I'm gonna tell you what's up. That's
Speaker 2: and that's why they wrote that letter. Hi. So h okay,
Speaker 2: you know, we actually we've talked about this on on
Speaker 2: this podcast before, but let's let's let's let's talk about
Speaker 2: it again. Uh, tell me how you're how you're feeling
Speaker 2: in this situation.
Speaker 4: Well, our relationship Artie wasn't great from the start. I'm
Speaker 4: about to be twenty one, and I'm kind of coming
Speaker 4: into a new era of myself and it's just I
Speaker 4: don't know if my heart's necessarily there anymore. And then
Speaker 4: also just all the things that come with being transgender.
Speaker 4: I've been learning a lot of new information and what
Speaker 4: it really takes to transition, and just being so closely
Speaker 4: intimate with that, I'm not I'm not really comfortable with it.
Speaker 4: Like I totally support trans to what you got to
Speaker 4: do body, but in my life, I just it's not
Speaker 4: the most comfortable situation.
Speaker 2: Okay, So if I could just make an observation here,
Speaker 2: it sounds like there are multiple, uh different angles that
Speaker 2: you're exploring as to why you might want to move
Speaker 2: on from this relationship. Uh, you know, legitimate angles, right.
Speaker 2: You know, you're you're growing up as a person. You
Speaker 2: know you two are are making sort of divergences in
Speaker 2: your life that are bringing you to to less compatible places.
Speaker 2: So I got to ask you, you know, what, if
Speaker 2: anything is in the middle of you and making a
Speaker 2: confident decision as to how you would like to move forward.
Speaker 4: The last time that I was technically like relationshipsly alone
Speaker 4: was when I was fifteen, So it's quite a contrast,
Speaker 4: and I feel like in this time, we've kind of
Speaker 4: melded into one person, which is both and bad. And
Speaker 4: I'm just kind of also speaking my own individuality from this.
Speaker 2: Okay, well, so so again, you know what I what
Speaker 2: I'm asking is like, what is stopping you from from
Speaker 2: making a decision as to how you move forward? Is it?
Speaker 2: Is it? I'm gonna throw this out there, tell me
Speaker 2: if it's accurate. Is it a fear? Is it like, Oh,
Speaker 2: I've in a relationship, you know, since I was fifteen,
Speaker 2: and now I'm this totally new person and I'm you know,
Speaker 2: are you afraid of the journey of figuring out how
Speaker 2: to be alone?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Definitely, fear of like the unknown being alone, like what
Speaker 4: I'm going to do next, and just having that kind
Speaker 4: of bond with another person. I don't have many friends,
Speaker 4: which is a bad part of being so close with him,
Speaker 4: but yeah, I don't. I'm not as close with anybody else.
Speaker 2: So all right, let me ask you a couple other
Speaker 2: things your life outside of your relationship. What's going on?
Speaker 2: Are you in school, are you working? What are we doing?
Speaker 4: She also began a new career. I was working and
Speaker 4: pretty much in a lone environment for the past year,
Speaker 4: so I was very isolated. But beginning this new job
Speaker 4: in a career that I actually enjoy has also been
Speaker 4: kind of like pulling out my need to become my
Speaker 4: own person in an individual.
Speaker 2: M So, I mean, listen towards the fear thing. It
Speaker 2: sounds as though you have a lot of places to
Speaker 2: sync your head into once, you know, if you make
Speaker 2: the decision to leave this relationship and learn how to
Speaker 2: be on your own. And also you got to like
Speaker 2: you got to do that at some point, right, because
Speaker 2: if I mean whatever, people make all sorts of decisions
Speaker 2: with their life and find happiness through it. But you know, personally,
Speaker 2: I've always felt like, if you can't learn how to
Speaker 2: be alone, you, you know, completely and totally fuck yourself.
Speaker 2: So I mean, look, if you make the decision to
Speaker 2: leave this relationship, there is a great opportunity here to
Speaker 2: learn how to be alone, especially if you haven't been
Speaker 2: since you were fifteen, you know, because there's so there's
Speaker 2: I cannot tell you how much value there is in
Speaker 2: just like I said, learning how to be alone, and
Speaker 2: also in in overcoming the fear, because I think, you know,
Speaker 2: this is not the first time in your life where
Speaker 2: you're gonna have to make some major decision or dive
Speaker 2: deep into unfamiliar territory, and so that is a skilling
Speaker 2: of itself, is a helpful thing to get some experience
Speaker 2: in doing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, how do you feel about that? I have kind
Speaker 4: of had this internal fear that I'm not strong long
Speaker 4: enough to make big decisions like that, not even just
Speaker 4: in regards to this situation. Yeah, so I definitely think
Speaker 4: that making a decision would be a.
Speaker 3: Big step forward, right of course.
Speaker 2: And I mean, well, listen, I mean I think maybe
Speaker 2: one of the reasons you might not feel strong enough
Speaker 2: to do it is because you have you have no
Speaker 2: proof that you are to yourself. You know, look, you
Speaker 2: believe it, Look, believe it in yourself is cool and all,
Speaker 2: but uh, I mean, you have no proof that you're
Speaker 2: able to handle, you know, being on your own right,
Speaker 2: So of course you're not going to believe in yourself.
Speaker 2: But the only way to go obtain that proof is
Speaker 2: to dive into the pool, you know, go obtain it,
Speaker 2: and then the next time around, when you're faced with
Speaker 2: some situation where you got to dive into the unknown,
Speaker 2: you'll be like, I've done this before, not that bad.
Speaker 2: I can handle it, you know. Uh, what is your
Speaker 2: name again, Kayla? Kyla Key? Is there any other aspect
Speaker 2: of this or anything in particular that you want to
Speaker 2: say to me or the people of the computer, or
Speaker 2: too some third entity that I can think of right
Speaker 2: now before.
Speaker 4: We go, There is just one concern that I'd like
Speaker 4: to bring to your attention to see how I can
Speaker 4: cope while I'm in this in between time.
Speaker 2: Sure.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he has this or this stink that comes with
Speaker 4: him coming into his new femininity, and I walk in
Speaker 4: on it several times. It's called hypno porn. Are you familiar.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm familiar with hypnosis and I am familiar
Speaker 2: with pornography, so I guess I'm I can imagine what
Speaker 2: that would be.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: He listens to it on a speaker and it's basically
Speaker 4: like a robotic voice about being a sissy samboy and
Speaker 4: getting sucked in the ass.
Speaker 2: I can't say whatever you want.
Speaker 4: It makes me just feel like really uncomfortable in my
Speaker 4: own home. So how would you advise I go along?
Speaker 2: Okay, I mean now, I mean listen, Now, you just
Speaker 2: have a roommate issue. Now you have an issue where
Speaker 2: your roommate is listening to uh hYP no porn on
Speaker 2: the speaker, right, how do you deal with it? Listen?
Speaker 2: Have you have you even kind of expressed that you
Speaker 2: do not desire to listen to their hYP no porn?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 4: Definitely?
Speaker 2: Wait? So you wait, so you told them that you
Speaker 2: don't want to listen to the no point into wear headphones?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: What the fuck did they say?
Speaker 4: He said no, you know, he said he said that
Speaker 4: he would avoid doing it while I was home. But
Speaker 4: I mean it's locked in on it several times at
Speaker 4: this point.
Speaker 2: So okay, well, look, if you've expressed yourself and they
Speaker 2: have not, you know, respected your wishes, then uh uh
Speaker 2: are you working on moving out?
Speaker 4: I'm figuring out a plan.
Speaker 2: Okay, go figure out a plan for yourself, because I mean, look,
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, I mean, you can
Speaker 2: express that you're upset about the hypno porn thing, but
Speaker 2: if they're not going to give in and you've already tried,
Speaker 2: you you just you just got to get out of
Speaker 2: there or I don't know, I mean, like, what what what? What?
Speaker 2: What is that? What is the context of this the
Speaker 2: contents of this hypno porn? Is it interesting at least?
Speaker 2: Can you learn anything from listening?
Speaker 4: Well, a lot of it involves a male penetrating and
Speaker 4: I don't know, I've had an issue with beagle droms,
Speaker 4: like I'm really uptight about bathroom dreams in general.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Sure, that's been a topic of our sexual lives that's
Speaker 4: been staying away from.
Speaker 2: But well, uh, you know, you've done a good thing.
Speaker 2: You've You've you've introduced many listeners of of of this
Speaker 2: to uh, you know, a thing that will maybe change
Speaker 2: their lives if they go decide to look up hypno.
Speaker 2: Thank you for calling Caleb, Thanks Derek, Thank care? Hell
Speaker 2: Hey what's that man?
Speaker 3: So much? Us?
Speaker 2: While? Yeah? Who is this?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 2: This is Ikoba nicobad how are you?
Speaker 3: I'm doing good now?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 3: Actually today was actually a pretty good day.
Speaker 2: Okay, why was it a good day?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: I at work, I was training some new someone new.
Speaker 3: We really clicked and I can feel like we made
Speaker 3: a connection and I think it's going to be a
Speaker 3: budding really friendship and I'm really looking forward to it.
Speaker 2: Okay, so you were training somebody new and uh, you
Speaker 2: feel like you guys got along and now you have
Speaker 2: a new friends.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think yeah, yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: Do you.
Speaker 2: Is friendship something that you've you've sort of struggled with
Speaker 2: in the past, or are you just excited to have
Speaker 2: more friends.
Speaker 3: I'm It's not really something I've struggled with in the past.
Speaker 3: I've always had friends or people that have like I've
Speaker 3: called friends. I just always look forward to having like
Speaker 3: just meaningful conversations with people, like things I can just
Speaker 3: actually like talk to people about. I don't have to
Speaker 3: like censor myself. I can just talk to them. You know.
Speaker 2: Do you do you consistently feel like a desire to
Speaker 2: censor yourself or to be a different version of yourself
Speaker 2: to appease people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would say so, because, like I mean, I'm
Speaker 3: pretty much an open book, Like I don't really have
Speaker 3: much of a filter. I'll talk about basically anything. I mean,
Speaker 3: I mean, sex is a big thing in my life,
Speaker 3: so that's something that I will bring out quite often
Speaker 3: and just kind of casually talk about with people. It's
Speaker 3: never something where I'm trying to get information from them
Speaker 3: or anything. It's just something I'm just talking about it.
Speaker 3: I'm not trying to, you know, get sort of up
Speaker 3: about it.
Speaker 2: How how often are you talking to people about sex?
Speaker 3: I mean, it's not something that it's like I'm bringing up.
Speaker 3: It's kind of like offhand or mark type of things,
Speaker 3: being like talking about like I don't know, talking about
Speaker 3: girls in there, but they're talking about like the kind
Speaker 3: of guys that I like to because I'm pan sexual
Speaker 3: and yeah, that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2: Okay, So you say that sex is a big part
Speaker 2: of your life. Yeah, in what way does this does
Speaker 2: this manifest? How did this become such a big part
Speaker 2: of your life?
Speaker 3: I don't know. I think it's kind of like from
Speaker 3: a from a young age, like because I grew up
Speaker 3: in the country, not around a lot of people, and
Speaker 3: or at least not around a lot of kids my
Speaker 3: own age. So I always felt like I was kind
Speaker 3: of like late to the party in a sense because
Speaker 3: I didn't really have any friendships until I got into school,
Speaker 3: and then I didn't end up dating anyone again until
Speaker 3: I was like in my senior year of high school
Speaker 3: and I lost my virginity when I was eighteen and everything,
Speaker 3: and just I kind of felt like I was behind
Speaker 3: and everything.
Speaker 2: It's interesting to hear you say that. I remember I
Speaker 2: lost my virginity at eighteen too, and I also felt
Speaker 2: like I was like behind, you know, because because you
Speaker 2: compare it, because I feel like at that age, you're
Speaker 2: constantly you're comparing yourself to your friends, and you're like,
Speaker 2: you know, it's when your friends are like, you know,
Speaker 2: looking up with people, but you're not, Like it can
Speaker 2: seem as though you're behind. But it's funny, I think,
Speaker 2: like you're really, I mean, lose your virginia at eighteen.
Speaker 2: I don't think what is behind it?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 2: I think that's pretty normal.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's that's fair. It's another thing is
Speaker 3: I really didn't have I was one of those people
Speaker 3: in school that didn't really have like a friend group.
Speaker 3: I was one of those who was like I didn't
Speaker 3: feel like I belonged to me, where I kind of
Speaker 3: was just friends with a bunch of different people and
Speaker 3: a bunch of different groups. I didn't really have like
Speaker 3: a solid group of friends, you know.
Speaker 2: So what about your life today do you feel like
Speaker 2: you have a solid group of friends, solid supports.
Speaker 3: You know, I have friends that I see every now
Speaker 3: and then, Like I mean I'm seeing I've seen my
Speaker 3: best friend and his wife. They live in the I
Speaker 3: mean in the town where I grew up. Now they
Speaker 3: just moved there, and I'll be seeing them on Sunday.
Speaker 3: But I almost the last time I saw them was
Speaker 3: on Christmas Eve. I don't see them very often, even
Speaker 3: though they live really close. Other than that, like I
Speaker 3: see my people that I work with that I call
Speaker 3: my friend, and I mean it's nice. I mean, it's
Speaker 3: nice to seeing them and talking to them. It's always helpful.
Speaker 3: But when I'm when I get off of work and
Speaker 3: when I come home, I'm alone most of the time.
Speaker 2: Okay, I mean, how do you feel when you're off
Speaker 2: of work when you're feeling alone?
Speaker 3: I get I literally just depend sometimes. Like I come
Speaker 3: home and I will immediately pretty much take a nap
Speaker 3: because I'm just kind of wore out from the day.
Speaker 3: The thing is is like I wake up and I'm
Speaker 3: extremely horny, so I'll like I'll masturbate, and then from there,
Speaker 3: I pretty much will either play some video games, go
Speaker 3: get something to eat, or play my guitar.
Speaker 2: All right, so you masturbate you play video games, you
Speaker 2: eat things, you play guitar, you work, Okay, and is
Speaker 2: all of the Are all these things harmonious? Do they
Speaker 2: all feed into a desirable life for yourself?
Speaker 3: I think a lot of it. A good amount of
Speaker 3: it holds me back, I think distracting myself in video games.
Speaker 3: As much as I really do enjoy them, they are
Speaker 3: kind of holding me back and my whole like just
Speaker 3: kind of constant horniness with like just after I get
Speaker 3: off of work and everything and just doing that, it
Speaker 3: really holds me back from what I want to be
Speaker 3: able to do.
Speaker 2: Like music is okay the one Okay? Yeah, your horniness
Speaker 2: is holding you back? You're Are you a compulsive masturbator?
Speaker 3: I mean I feel like maybe I'm just normal. But
Speaker 3: then again, it's like I if I have nothing to do,
Speaker 3: maybe I'll do it three to four times a day,
Speaker 3: maybe more.
Speaker 2: All right? Yeah, And in what way do you feel
Speaker 2: like you're being held back?
Speaker 3: I feel like it. It has in the past definitely
Speaker 3: affected some like relationships that I've had, and I feel
Speaker 3: like I've been learning from that that I don't use
Speaker 3: that as a way of like trying to really like
Speaker 3: build a relationship on just just pure sex. You know,
Speaker 3: I learned that that is not as satisfying for me.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, Okay, So you you feel like you're
Speaker 2: being held back in your relationship, but also with the
Speaker 2: music thing. M what do you feel like you're you're
Speaker 2: not having enough time to make music like you want to.
Speaker 3: It's not even that I don't have enough time. I
Speaker 3: have plenty of time that I could definitely do it.
Speaker 3: It's that I haven't been I haven't been inspired to
Speaker 3: really sit down and like learn a new song, play
Speaker 3: something that I've known for a long time, or just
Speaker 3: try to write music, try to write a new song.
Speaker 3: I just haven't felt that that spark in a long time.
Speaker 2: Okay, what things normally inspire your music?
Speaker 3: Oddly enough? Like autumn? Like I feel like my peak,
Speaker 3: like my peak inspirational period is during fall, during the
Speaker 3: Halloween season, for sure, I feel I write. I tend
Speaker 3: to write like really dark, spooky stuff. Then I'm inspired
Speaker 3: by traveling, by going and kind of being this like
Speaker 3: whole idea of like trying to taking a van driving
Speaker 3: across the country or just playing music wherever I feel
Speaker 3: like doing it that really inspires me. And going and
Speaker 3: seeing new things I've never seen before.
Speaker 2: Hmm. Okay, and and I have you taken any trips
Speaker 2: recently that you feel as though it could inspire you.
Speaker 3: I wish I could say that I have that I haven't.
Speaker 3: I honestly have been pretty much. I've been trying to
Speaker 3: save up money because I perform music live and my
Speaker 3: sound system has been shot for a while, so I'm
Speaker 3: saving money so I can get a new one. So
Speaker 3: I haven't had the money to be able to go
Speaker 3: on any sort of trip at all.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, Now if you did have the money, where
Speaker 2: would you want to go to?
Speaker 3: If I had the money, I would love to go
Speaker 3: to California because I've made it as far west as Denver,
Speaker 3: and I would love to go to California because I mean,
Speaker 3: that's the dream of spot for everybody. You know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, you know, I live in California and
Speaker 2: it's fine, it's cool. It always depends on what you like.
Speaker 2: It depends on the environment that you feel the most right,
Speaker 2: the most comfortable in.
Speaker 3: That's fair. I've always felt like I need to experience
Speaker 3: these things for myself, and on it I can. I
Speaker 3: can take the advice of people and like have them
Speaker 3: tell me all you should go to this place or
Speaker 3: you should go to this place type of thing. But
Speaker 3: until I experience it for myself and then I can
Speaker 3: make the informed decision as to if I like this
Speaker 3: place or not.
Speaker 2: So tak about it. How do we get you to California?
Speaker 2: How do we get you more freedom in your life?
Speaker 3: You know, I come down to thinking that if I
Speaker 3: do it, it's going to be one of those days
Speaker 3: where I just kind of lose my shit and I
Speaker 3: just I quit everything. I just grab my guitar and
Speaker 3: I just stick out my thumb and I just go
Speaker 3: or I start.
Speaker 2: Walking or are you are you on the verge of
Speaker 2: losing all of your shit?
Speaker 3: I mean, it just kind of one of those things
Speaker 3: where some days are good, some days are bad. Todays
Speaker 3: was a particularly good day, But on my bad days,
Speaker 3: like it's one of those things where I just want
Speaker 3: to run. I just I hope I can either run
Speaker 3: or I can die here. I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think lots of people feel like that,
Speaker 2: Like there's you know, some their routine or their their
Speaker 2: lives are like holding them hostage or something like that.
Speaker 2: Do you feel like that?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, I feel like I'm kind of a I'm
Speaker 3: kind of a cog in a in this in the
Speaker 3: capitalist like this capitalist like society we live in, and
Speaker 3: I can't really find hard I can't really find a
Speaker 3: way out.
Speaker 2: You know, it's hard to navigate the situations. I've been
Speaker 2: thinking about this as a ton right, because well, you
Speaker 2: need to keep yourself alive by eating food and uh not.
Speaker 2: You just have to not die. That's like the very
Speaker 2: bare minimum requirement. And I feel like there's a good
Speaker 2: amount of ways to do that. And I think, uh,
Speaker 2: you know, someone who who's old and bitter has worked
Speaker 2: all their life would probably say, you know, to be realistic,
Speaker 2: but uh, and there would be legitimacy to a lot
Speaker 2: of the things that they would they would tell you.
Speaker 2: But also I think about the fact that we only
Speaker 2: I think about this a lot. I think about the
Speaker 2: fact that we only have one life, and uh, you know,
Speaker 2: the the the really the greatest truth that nobody can
Speaker 2: argue is that you're gonna die, right, you know, That's
Speaker 2: an undeniable thing, and and I think it's a compelling,
Speaker 2: uh driver for a person's actions in their life. Now
Speaker 2: here's the problem. You're not going to hold of you
Speaker 2: right now. I'm thirty, all right, So you're not gonna
Speaker 2: let's say you're trying to not die for at least
Speaker 2: another fifty years. That's fifty years that you've got to
Speaker 2: account for yourself being able to eat food and live
Speaker 2: in a place. And the best way to be able
Speaker 2: to eat food and live in a place in America
Speaker 2: is to have money. So you need to figure out
Speaker 2: a way to get at least enough money to eat
Speaker 2: food and live in a place. But you also have
Speaker 2: to weigh that amongst amongst the fact that you're going
Speaker 2: to die and you have a very short amount of
Speaker 2: time on this planet with nothing guaranteed afterwards. So how
Speaker 2: can you best serve that truth while being able to eat,
Speaker 2: eat food and not die? Do you understand?
Speaker 3: I get that it sounds honestly, this is this is
Speaker 3: it's gonna sound like it almost sounds like the whole
Speaker 3: cliche of like you know that the snls get with
Speaker 3: living in a van down by the river. That's honestly,
Speaker 3: what it sounds like to me is I want to
Speaker 3: live in a van and just live on a steady
Speaker 3: a government cheese.
Speaker 2: That's what you want to do is live in a
Speaker 2: van on what is government cheese?
Speaker 3: It's uh, it's an old Chris Farley bit from S
Speaker 3: n L. It's the classic h what is his name?
Speaker 3: Matt Foley talking a bit from that, but he talks
Speaker 3: about how if you don't if you don't do good,
Speaker 3: you're you're gonna end up living in a van down
Speaker 3: by the river and suciding on a steady dyeing government cheese.
Speaker 2: That it doesn't sound that bad. It doesn't sound that
Speaker 2: bad living down by the river and eaton government cheese.
Speaker 2: And that's the thing.
Speaker 3: It's like in the nineties, that was like a thing
Speaker 3: that was like, oh, you don't want to do that,
Speaker 3: But now it's like, you know what kind of van
Speaker 3: were talking about here though?
Speaker 2: Right right? I mean, okay, when you think about all
Speaker 2: these things that we've been talking about, what do you
Speaker 2: what does it inspire within you?
Speaker 3: It inspires me to really try and just trying to
Speaker 3: find the spark again, trying to find the inspiration because,
Speaker 3: like I mean, as much as I enjoy my alone
Speaker 3: time to being in my room and everything, I need
Speaker 3: to get out there and just find the inspiration again
Speaker 3: to start playing and start writing and finding a way
Speaker 3: to get myself back on the road again as well.
Speaker 2: I would say, yeah, well listen nick about I'll say
Speaker 2: this before we go. And I don't know, dude, I'm
Speaker 2: trying not to be like a fucking bullshit or I'm
Speaker 2: trying not to be like a empty motivational guy or whatever.
Speaker 2: But I fight God damn my bone marrow, and maybe
Speaker 2: one day i'll be I'll be forced to, you know,
Speaker 2: face this head on. But I really believe in my
Speaker 2: bone marrow that uh, you know, the world is an
Speaker 2: infinite place of lots of people and lots of places,
Speaker 2: more than you could even visit in a lifetime. And
Speaker 2: if you desire to make something, if you desire to
Speaker 2: make to to do something outside of the norm, then
Speaker 2: please do it. Absolutely don't talk to people about sex
Speaker 2: at work, fair enough.
Speaker 3: I will don't go. Definitely stop doing that.
Speaker 2: Okay, right, I'll talk to you Sonic about.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. Wule have a good one.
Speaker 2: I don't want Akobye getting caught jacking off in the
Speaker 2: bathroom of the grocery store, but I don't know, maybe
Speaker 2: that will compel him onto his onto his new beautiful life.
Speaker 2: Beg goes on the line making your phone calls every night,
Speaker 2: there Beacon goes to and his eye, who's teaching you
Speaker 2: aloud in the mid of your life, But he's not
Speaker 2: read me. An expert