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Speaker 1: Basically if you come from London, you know, if you

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Speaker 1: go like do you know Kevin in notting Hill, that

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Speaker 1: chances are people will I was in a Tinier island

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Speaker 1: off of Vancouver and we went hiking and we got lost,

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Speaker 1: and we were two hours wandering through the woods, and

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Speaker 1: we walked down to their own A car drove past

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Speaker 1: and they pulled over and I was completely lost. Do

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Speaker 1: you mind helping us back? And they said yeah, of course,

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Speaker 1: they get in. By the way, do you know Kira

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Speaker 1: Part And I said, yeah, that's my publicist in London. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that was That's the weirdest thing ever. That was a

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Speaker 1: Canadian in the middle of the woods some remote island.

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Speaker 1: You know what. My boyfriend would say that that is

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Speaker 1: because we are tribal fundamentally, and that we will always

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Speaker 1: find each other, which I quite like the idea that

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Speaker 1: there's some sort of beacon inside us that draws us

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Speaker 1: towards the people that were meant to be with. Yes,

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Speaker 1: even random ch hiker pick her up as Hello, I'm

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Speaker 1: mini driver and welcome to many questions. I've always loved

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Speaker 1: prous questionnaire. It was originally an eighteenth century parlor game

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Speaker 1: meant to reveal an individual's true nature. But with so

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Speaker 1: many questions, there wasn't really an opportunity to expand on anything.

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Speaker 1: So I took the format of Pruce's questionnaire and adapted

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Speaker 1: What I think are seven of the most important questions

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Speaker 1: you could ever ask someone. They are when and where

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Speaker 1: were you happiest? What is the quality you like least

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Speaker 1: about yourself? What relationship, real or fictionalized, defines love for you?

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Speaker 1: What question would you most like answered, What person, place,

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Speaker 1: or experience has shaped you the most? What would be

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Speaker 1: your last meal? And can you tell me something in

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Speaker 1: your life that has grown out of a personal disaster.

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Speaker 1: The more people we ask, the more we begin to

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Speaker 1: see what makes us miller and what makes us individual.

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Speaker 1: I've gathered a group of really remarkable people who I

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Speaker 1: am honored and humbled to have had a chance to

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Speaker 1: engage with. Sam Taylor Johnson is an artist, a director,

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Speaker 1: an amazing mother and friend, and she has an o

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Speaker 1: b E for services to the arts. She also makes

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Speaker 1: the best sourdough bread I've ever eaten in my life.

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Speaker 1: I think one of the things I love most about

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Speaker 1: her is that she pours of herself into everything she does.

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Speaker 1: She goes all in into whatever projects she's focusing on,

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Speaker 1: and I think you see and feel the surety of

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Speaker 1: her commitment in everything she makes. She was part of

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Speaker 1: a whole movement of young artists in the nineties that

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Speaker 1: included Tracy Emmon, Chris Opheely, and Damien Hurst, starting out

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Speaker 1: as a mixed media artist but expanding pretty quickly into

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Speaker 1: directing movies. We're both English transplants in California, and there

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Speaker 1: is no one better to explore the wonder and opportunity

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Speaker 1: of America with while also being nostalgic for the rain

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Speaker 1: and a proper cup of tea. Someone once said, what

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Speaker 1: do you put on your passport when it says occupation?

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Speaker 1: And I said that I don't know. Actually I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think I put artists because artists can cover multidisciplines

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Speaker 1: and that that maybe covers everything. But then when I

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Speaker 1: write down director, I feel a little bit more proud

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Speaker 1: and and like I can sit up straighter. So I

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Speaker 1: sort of oscillate between the two of those. Actually, that's

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Speaker 1: a really good point the descriptors. I never put actress

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Speaker 1: when it says what you do for a living, But

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Speaker 1: when I put actor, I feel like I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: shove myself into a cookie cutter that shaped like a dude.

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Speaker 1: And I mean, there really isn't a good word for

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Speaker 1: artists who do more than one thing. Maybe it is

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Speaker 1: just artists, but people think of paintbrushes when you say that,

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Speaker 1: it's a good question. It's funny because I feel like

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Speaker 1: we've known each other for a hundred years, and you

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Speaker 1: love the beach like I do, especially right now. It's

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Speaker 1: just a solace in times of madness. It's a way

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Speaker 1: of just putting your feet in some cold water and

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Speaker 1: staring out and just thinking, as long as this is here,

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Speaker 1: I can sort of get back to the madness and

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Speaker 1: somehow navigate it. I couldn't agree with you more. I

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Speaker 1: don't miss an enormous amount about Los Angeles, but I

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Speaker 1: do miss the Pacific Ocean with a solid ache, all right, darling,

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Speaker 1: So listen the first question, when and where were you happiest?

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Speaker 1: You know, when you reflect on a question about happiness

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Speaker 1: or contentment or a state of well being, it's it's

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Speaker 1: hard to sort of reflect and think, well, I was happy,

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Speaker 1: then does that mean I'm not happy now? So in

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Speaker 1: order to answer that, I was thinking about my state

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Speaker 1: of mind and sense of contentment and everything now. And

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Speaker 1: it's hard to say this is one of my happier

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Speaker 1: moments in a lockdown pandemic. You know, no work, no travel,

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Speaker 1: no friends, no evenings out, but there is I have

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Speaker 1: to admit a level of happiness and contentment in the

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Speaker 1: fact that I have everyone close to me at home

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Speaker 1: with me around me, and as much as we're all

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Speaker 1: kind of clambering over each other trying to sort of

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Speaker 1: get air and space from each other and be able

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Speaker 1: to I know I'll reflect upon this with positive memory.

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Speaker 1: Within our pod of well being. I would say that

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Speaker 1: my obvious ones are, you know, the birth of each

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Speaker 1: of my children. The day Aaron and I got married

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Speaker 1: was a pretty spectacularly happy day. But I'm quite sort

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Speaker 1: of positive about where we are right now, even though

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Speaker 1: the outside world is scary, even though each day is

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Speaker 1: met with a lot of fear. I think if I

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Speaker 1: can just sort of remain lighthearted and happy, then it

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Speaker 1: keeps the dynamic of the family that way. So that's

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Speaker 1: a complicated way to answer that happy moment. It's funny

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Speaker 1: this question. I'm sort of annoyed with Proust having asked

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Speaker 1: it first, and also for myself being so attracted to

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Speaker 1: it because we put such a pressure on ourselves to

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Speaker 1: be happy. And I do think that this pandemic and

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Speaker 1: this experience has really forced us to look at the

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Speaker 1: qualitative idea of happiness and what that is. Our scope

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Speaker 1: got so much smaller, and I don't know, I like

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Speaker 1: the distillation. I like in a way, how how small

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Speaker 1: everything had to become, because it makes you reconnect, like

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Speaker 1: this gigantic reboot of the way in which we interact

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Speaker 1: with the world. I mean, for me, looking at you

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Speaker 1: in your life, I don't know that I've ever known

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Speaker 1: you so relaxed and in the flow of what you're

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Speaker 1: doing creatively and in family, without having the pressure to

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Speaker 1: constantly be thinking about the next job and where it's

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Speaker 1: going and where it's happening. Beyond the zoom meetings that

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Speaker 1: we have setting stuff up. It feels like there's a fluidity.

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Speaker 1: It does, and that's sort of myopic distilled life that

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Speaker 1: we're living right now. Also reflects on how much we

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Speaker 1: took for granted and how spoiled we work before, and

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Speaker 1: how everything that for me feels valuable, important and true

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Speaker 1: to my happiness is actually outside the door. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's it's everyone and the dogs and the chickens and

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Speaker 1: and everything just sort of being content. And if we

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Speaker 1: can keep the fear and the anxiety and everything that

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Speaker 1: all that pertains to outside of it, then I'd say

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Speaker 1: this is a pretty clear, distilled happy space. Mm hmm,

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Speaker 1: I'm very glad. I think that's also in emmic of

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Speaker 1: the pandemic is that one really has cut away the

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Speaker 1: fat from all the stuff that is meaningful, and I

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Speaker 1: find myself not even interrogating or interacting with stuff that

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Speaker 1: I'm only vaguely interested in or don't want to relive,

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Speaker 1: or there was nothing to take on into this journey

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Speaker 1: of life. It's weird. It's been like throwing sandbags out

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Speaker 1: of a hot a balin and gaining altitude. You're so right.

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Speaker 1: I mean, on the flip side, it's hard to say

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Speaker 1: that this would be my happiest moment because the freedom

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Speaker 1: to work, the freedom to travel, the freedom to be

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Speaker 1: with friends also reflects upon happy, happy moments. But if

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Speaker 1: I go too far down that as those are my

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Speaker 1: happiest times, then I'm just going to get really depressed.

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Speaker 1: So there's also a level of me saying I am

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Speaker 1: the happiest right now. Saying it really loudly and planting

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Speaker 1: a flag in that happiness. I am happy now exactly.

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Speaker 1: I am happy now, and I'm going to be here now,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not going to reflect on, you know, happier

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Speaker 1: supposed times. I think it's good and it's interesting to

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Speaker 1: stop tethering our own sense of place with circumstance and

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Speaker 1: our own happiness with circumstance, but rather look at what's

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Speaker 1: right in front of you and connect with that, which

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Speaker 1: is your children, your husband, your health, your dogs. It's

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Speaker 1: interesting when you take away the circumstances of what we

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Speaker 1: believe creates our happiness, and it really comes back to

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Speaker 1: the choices that we make and the people that we love.

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Speaker 1: What person, place, or experience most altered your life, so

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Speaker 1: you know, along the path, I would say there's been

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Speaker 1: a few people, because obviously meeting Aron was a huge

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Speaker 1: significant change in my life that created what we have

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Speaker 1: now in the family. But I feel like, let's put

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Speaker 1: that aside, so I would say that are the people

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Speaker 1: who have come into my life. I have come into

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Speaker 1: my life in a very profoundly spiritual way. One was

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Speaker 1: a friend of my mom's, and he was very much

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Speaker 1: a healing person, and I met him when I was fourteen.

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Speaker 1: Life at home was pretty turbulent, and he sort of

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Speaker 1: came in, sort of sweeped in a bit, like a godfather, father,

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Speaker 1: grandfather figure. And his name was Max. He's no longer here.

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Speaker 1: I met him probably in his seventies and knew him

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Speaker 1: until he was nineties something maybe, but he was so

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Speaker 1: significant in my life in a very spiritual way, and

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Speaker 1: he was very much one ft in this world and

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Speaker 1: one ft in another. Did he qualify you're wanting to

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Speaker 1: be an artist? Oh my god, that's so strange that

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Speaker 1: you should say that, because when I was fourteen, I

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Speaker 1: I did this drawing of a swan. It took me

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Speaker 1: a long time. It was, you know, achingly painfully done,

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Speaker 1: but I sort of dismissed it. And then I met

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Speaker 1: him and he said, you know, I was and talked

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Speaker 1: to a silent teenager and he said, you know, what

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Speaker 1: do you enjoy doing? And I think I just said,

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Speaker 1: I've just drawn a swan and he said, show it

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Speaker 1: to me, and he looked at it and he said,

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Speaker 1: you're going to be an artist. You're gonna be a

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Speaker 1: very interesting artist when you grow up. But there were

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Speaker 1: significant moments through very interesting times and dark days where

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Speaker 1: he would just keep me held in a space of

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Speaker 1: light rather than allow me to descend into darkness. It

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Speaker 1: is probably the best way of putting it. And I

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Speaker 1: would say the other person would be Anthony Manguela, because

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Speaker 1: he reached out of the blue and told me I

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Speaker 1: was a filmmaker and that I should be making films.

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Speaker 1: And yes, I'm an artist, but come on, let's give

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Speaker 1: it a go and I'll produce your first short film

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Speaker 1: and from there you will leap and bound into the

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Speaker 1: world of filmmaking. And that's just off the back of

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Speaker 1: him seeing artwork and having a sort of sixth sense

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Speaker 1: and not knowing me at all. He didn't know, we

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Speaker 1: didn't know each other, and so he produced my first

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Speaker 1: short film, Love You More, that set me on the

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Speaker 1: road to becoming a filmmaker, and that was everything. But

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Speaker 1: there was so much in the relationship that I had

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Speaker 1: with him that was so significantly life altering. When my

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Speaker 1: short film gained a certain amount of success, he just said,

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Speaker 1: don't lay back on your laurels, get up and get

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Speaker 1: on with the next one. And that has been a

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Speaker 1: sort of mini mantra in the back of my mind

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Speaker 1: every time I do anything, really, don't leg it back

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Speaker 1: on your laurels. Just get on with the next one,

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Speaker 1: you know, Just keep going, keep pushing forward. Don't sort

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Speaker 1: of revel in the glory and the success too much

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Speaker 1: because it diminishes. And then we went on to shoot

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Speaker 1: nowhere boy and the next one, whose name we shall

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Speaker 1: not mention, Yeah we shall fifty shades of great because

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I lived through that, and shades of nightmares,

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Speaker 1: fifty shades of misery. Yeah it was. That was two

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Speaker 1: years of discomfort, and I would daily suffer through the mechanations,

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Speaker 1: if that's the right word of madness. And then and

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Speaker 1: sort of thing, why why does I decide to become

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Speaker 1: a filmmaker? This is just pure hell? But within that

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Speaker 1: there is I don't know. I can't say anything positive

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Speaker 1: about that these days. It's interesting, but I do think

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Speaker 1: you could probably stand to revel slightly more in the

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Speaker 1: extraordinary achievements and the hardship that you suffer through sort

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Speaker 1: of physically and emaginally. And I know lots of people

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Speaker 1: go through things like that, but you you don't give

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Speaker 1: yourself enough credit, I don't think for the amazing achievements.

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Speaker 1: I mean, however, turbulent fifty Shades was you navigated it.

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Speaker 1: It might not have been the film that you wanted

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Speaker 1: to make, but they're incredibly beautiful moments in that and

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Speaker 1: you were quite right not to make the second one. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I did learn. I learned a huge amount, not

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Speaker 1: necessarily things I wanted to learn. So sometimes those lessons

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Speaker 1: are hard, and I think that you know they're they're valuable,

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Speaker 1: but they're really difficult. And it was funny after the

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Speaker 1: movie came out. I was walking across a car park

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Speaker 1: and some guy shouted from the other side of the

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Speaker 1: parking lot. It's like, hey, hey, you congratulations, congratulations on

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Speaker 1: that film you just and I was like, you don't

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Speaker 1: know how hard that was. You have no idea why

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Speaker 1: I went through making that film. And Aaron was like,

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Speaker 1: just say thanks, just say thank you. You might just

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Speaker 1: sit there and watch it. Blah blah blah blah blah.

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Speaker 1: But that was two years of blah blah blah. You

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Speaker 1: know that not the wind out of me, and took

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Speaker 1: me a good year or so to recover and put

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Speaker 1: my faith back in the filmmaking process. That was a

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Speaker 1: tough one. But anyway that that's taken away from talking

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Speaker 1: about the positive of someone's influence in my life. And

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Speaker 1: I think, you know, going back to Anthony, that was

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Speaker 1: that was a life changing interaction with somebody very extra,

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Speaker 1: very extremely special, and I I only regret that he's

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Speaker 1: not here to continue a friendship and a relationship that

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Speaker 1: was so strong. He was indelible on anyone who knew him.

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Speaker 1: He was he left an indelible mark for sure. Throughout

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Speaker 1: the process of a difficult filmmaking experience, I would sort of,

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Speaker 1: you know, quietly, sort of say in my head to Anthony,

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Speaker 1: what do I do in this situation? You know, where

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Speaker 1: are you to help me? Guide me, give me a sign,

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Speaker 1: you know, pleading send something through that tells me how

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Speaker 1: to manage this? How do I wrangle this? And I'd

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Speaker 1: sort of sit quietly, and you think, I've got to

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Speaker 1: do it with myself and no help from beyond. And

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Speaker 1: I would say this often. And I got through to

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Speaker 1: the end of making the movie, and then there were

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Speaker 1: some reshoots which were really painful a year later, and

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Speaker 1: they were really challenging. And then when I finished the reshoot,

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Speaker 1: I thought I've done it. I finished I've actually I've

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Speaker 1: gotten through this incredibly intensely difficult, challenging filmmaking process. And

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Speaker 1: I was in Vancouver and Aaron said to me, Carmel,

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Speaker 1: let's you and me just go for a really quiet dinner.

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Speaker 1: I've booked this little tiny restaurant with like six tables

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Speaker 1: in at this tiny little Italian restaurant in one of

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Speaker 1: the little sort of side streets. He said, just you

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Speaker 1: and me will go and sit and celebrate this huge

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Speaker 1: achievement you've finished. Now, when Anthony was around, he would

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Speaker 1: he would have these big hands and he would lay

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Speaker 1: them on your shoulder and squeeze them like and you'd

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Speaker 1: always like but you know, it was a comforting sort

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Speaker 1: of you know, hey, you and you know, all those

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Speaker 1: around him will talk about this big hands and on

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Speaker 1: your shoulder, reassuring squeezing and and you know, and I

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Speaker 1: kind of missed that, and I think about it anyway.

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Speaker 1: Then I went for this dinner and I was just,

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Speaker 1: you know, like so relieved. And I sat down and

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Speaker 1: I kind of put my head in my hands, just

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Speaker 1: to process the fact I finished. And this big hand

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Speaker 1: came on my shoulder and squeezed it. My hairs on

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Speaker 1: my neck and even now telling it went up on

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Speaker 1: end and I thought Oh my god, that's Anthony squeezed.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, what's happening? And I felt it and

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Speaker 1: it felt harder, and I turned around and this voice

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Speaker 1: went hello, and I looked up and it was Maximum

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Speaker 1: Gala no. And I looked at him and I burst

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Speaker 1: into tears. And I don't know him that well. I

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Speaker 1: didn't know him. I do now. I burst into tears

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Speaker 1: and I literally everything of those two years, of all

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Speaker 1: that time of filmmaking, hardship, everything just like poured down

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Speaker 1: my face like tears and snot, and I couldn't speak,

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Speaker 1: and Aaron was looking at me like somehow that's happening,

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Speaker 1: and Max is looking at me like what the fun

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Speaker 1: is happening? And I couldn't speak, and I was just like,

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Speaker 1: finally there's a sign. And it was that feeling where

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Speaker 1: I was just like that was the squeeze of you've

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Speaker 1: done it, well done, you didn't need me. And Aaron

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Speaker 1: was looking at Max just like, I don't know what's

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Speaker 1: going to I'm really sorry. I think it's something to

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Speaker 1: do with your dad And I'm really sorry. That's really

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Speaker 1: awkward and difficult, and I couldn't pull myself together and

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Speaker 1: it was that weird thing where I don't know, read

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Speaker 1: into it what you will, I'll take from it what

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Speaker 1: you will, or nothing at all. But it was extremely

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Speaker 1: overwhelmingly powerful and God bless Max. Oh, God bless Max.

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Speaker 1: He must have been quite shocked at the snart and

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Speaker 1: the sobbing lady. I don't think it's the first time,

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Speaker 1: because I think his father had that effect on people that,

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Speaker 1: you know, something like that familiarity and sense of him

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Speaker 1: just brought everything flooding back here. It's like a big

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Speaker 1: hug as a person. That's how I remember him. I

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Speaker 1: love that you felt that when it was all said

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Speaker 1: and done, and that's actually perfect, not to come in

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Speaker 1: the moment when you go help, but to let you

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Speaker 1: figure it out and at the end to squeeze you

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Speaker 1: and say well done. That's what it felt like, exactly that,

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Speaker 1: which is why I kind of fell to pieces and

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Speaker 1: in such a kind of completely embarrassing way. I mean,

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Speaker 1: it's very awkward for other people falling to pieces in public,

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Speaker 1: but I've always found it remarkably energizing. It's very unlikely.

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Speaker 1: I'm quite I'm so stoic. You are really stoic. You're

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Speaker 1: really good. When I feel like i've fallen apart in

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Speaker 1: your kitchen on many occasions, and you're very good at

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Speaker 1: carrying on needing the sour dough, and you think just

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Speaker 1: the right amount of solace without wanting to add too

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Speaker 1: much gasoline to the fire. Oh god, well wait, speaking

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Speaker 1: of Saturday, that is this is the most brilliant segue.

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Speaker 1: What would be your last meal? Because you're a brilliant

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Speaker 1: cook and sols arand and you make the most delicious

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Speaker 1: food whenever you have parties. I don't know how you

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Speaker 1: do it for so many people, but there are just

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Speaker 1: platters of the most delicious food that just keep coming

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Speaker 1: out of the kitchen. I think I would have to

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Speaker 1: go for something which has mashed potato. I would have

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Speaker 1: to have an enormous amount of mashed potato and gravy

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Speaker 1: and peas and working backwards, and it would be fish fingers,

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Speaker 1: mashed pototo and peas, which was my favorite kind of

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Speaker 1: childhood food with ketchup. Hate catcher, Oh Jesus, hate catcher.

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Speaker 1: Can you eat fish fingers and peas and mash without ketchup?

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Speaker 1: It just the glue that literally holds it on your fork.

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Speaker 1: You know, the awful thing. It's it's it's mayonnaise. Oh,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm really thinking a whole friendship my kids.

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Speaker 1: My kids love ketch Up and I can't. I've got

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Speaker 1: this sort of almost phobia against ketch Up. I can't

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Speaker 1: put it on the table. I can't open the lid

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Speaker 1: with the crusty bits of Ketchup around. I just cannot.

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Speaker 1: So I won't buy ketch Up. And they're always like,

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Speaker 1: we need some Ketchups, So Dad has to buy ketch Up.

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Speaker 1: That's the Ketchup buyer. So you put mayonnaise on your

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Speaker 1: fish fingers and peas and mash. Yeah, fish fingers, pieas

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Speaker 1: and mash, but it would have to be something, you know,

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Speaker 1: big and comforting like that. Do you imagine yourself in

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Speaker 1: a cell? Because when I asked that question, I often

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Speaker 1: see myself like in a cell awaiting execution. Now I

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Speaker 1: try not to put my head in that space because

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Speaker 1: that is so frightening. But then no, I like to

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Speaker 1: sort of think little old lady being spoon fed at

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Speaker 1: a hundred three? Do you you'd have a job getting

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Speaker 1: these peas down they get stuck in your denches in

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Speaker 1: a blender? Actually, you're right, the mash would go down

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Speaker 1: a tree. Do you know, my dear friend Lindsay Daria,

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Speaker 1: who's an incredible war photographer. Her grandmother just died a

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Speaker 1: hundred and seven, and she was a hundred and seven

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Speaker 1: and cooking Sunday roasts and big dinners right up until

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Speaker 1: the end. Wow. And her big thing about longevity was

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Speaker 1: lived without grievances or feelings of hate, and that is

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Speaker 1: the answer to a long life. Holy moly, I know

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Speaker 1: it's quite good one. Yeah, it's really true because with

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Speaker 1: it that said, I think it was Carrie Fisher no grudges,

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Speaker 1: should say no grudges. Feeling grudges and resentment is like

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Speaker 1: drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's so true. It's corrosive. So in your life, can

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Speaker 1: you tell me about something that has grown out of

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Speaker 1: a personal disaster? I would say having having experienced cancer

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Speaker 1: age thirty three, colon cancer, breast cancer, mostectomy, chemotherapy. Those

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Speaker 1: were life altering, obviously, experiences that were catastrophic that made

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Speaker 1: my entire being shift away from the person I was

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Speaker 1: pre that. I guess looking into the void and the

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Speaker 1: darkness and not knowing, you know, there was no choice

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Speaker 1: that it wasn't about leaping into the void. It was

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Speaker 1: more falling in and how do I find my way out?

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Speaker 1: And I'd say that that catastrophic is probably the right

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Speaker 1: word rather than disaster. Was utterly life changing. And one

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Speaker 1: doctor said to me, you'll come out of this grateful

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Speaker 1: for the experience. I wanted to fucking punch that man

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Speaker 1: so hard in the face. That feeling of you have

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Speaker 1: no idea what it feels to be a parent to

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Speaker 1: a baby, and to be told I'm going to be

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Speaker 1: grateful for losing a breast and having half my insights

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Speaker 1: cut up. But having said that, there are certainly things

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Speaker 1: that I radically shifted away from that were toxic in

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Speaker 1: my life. I would say that my entire outlook and

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Speaker 1: sense of what life was to me shifted and altered

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Speaker 1: and changed in a more positive realm. I would say

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Speaker 1: that my feet being more firmly planted, more grateful, and

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Speaker 1: more you know, towards the light than the dark, all

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Speaker 1: of those things that creates a stronger life with the

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Speaker 1: benefit of having come through it, you know, and people say, well,

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Speaker 1: you were so brave, you must have been so brave.

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Speaker 1: Denies people that haven't come through it that they were

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Speaker 1: also warriors and brave people too, So I always find

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Speaker 1: that quite difficult that people say that that's something of courage.

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Speaker 1: I think that people facing mortality and life threatening illness,

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Speaker 1: it's not necessarily about being brave. It's about navigating extreme fear.

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Speaker 1: And extreme fear is so overwhelming and so powerful, and

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Speaker 1: how can you get through each day and take that

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Speaker 1: fear and you know, lock it away so it doesn't

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Speaker 1: inhibit your your power to get through the next five

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Speaker 1: minutes or the next hour or the next day. And

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Speaker 1: so I think, you know, coming through that time has

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Speaker 1: probably been you know, of course the most life altering time.

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Speaker 1: And it's pulls for a reflection for me every single day.

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Speaker 1: And and when people say what is your greatest fear,

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Speaker 1: it's not spider as it actually as rats, but now

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Speaker 1: we'll put that aside. It is going to a doctor

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Speaker 1: or or going through a hospital door. I physically shake

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Speaker 1: and whenever I go for you know, even I'll go

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Speaker 1: to the dentist and I'll be lying there like what if?

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Speaker 1: And that is the that for me is you know,

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Speaker 1: one of the things I have to conquer daily. I

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00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,159
Speaker 1: don't think you lose that fear. You have to manage it.

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00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:31,160
Speaker 1: And I think the managing of that fear is something

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00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:36,440
Speaker 1: that then also gives you an enormous amount of ability

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00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: to be in the moment and be able to reflect

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00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,640
Speaker 1: on what you have right now. Let me just ask

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00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: you one thing about what you just said. The doctor

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00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,280
Speaker 1: who you wanted to punch. Do you think on some

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00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,960
Speaker 1: level he was right ultimately that you came out of

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00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:57,439
Speaker 1: that being grateful for everything that it gave you. I do.

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00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,280
Speaker 1: I mean, it's the fact that you had can to twice.

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00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:05,679
Speaker 1: There's always just it's like lightning striking twice, and that

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00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 1: you came through it twice, and I'm always like clinging

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00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,679
Speaker 1: to the woods touch would never again. There were so

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00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 1: many other things that define you. I think there was

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00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,119
Speaker 1: a time in my life that I allowed it to

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00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,160
Speaker 1: define me. I was the person and it was what

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00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,200
Speaker 1: I would talk about the most. And now it's significantly

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00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:26,439
Speaker 1: sort of diminished into the background of the list of

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00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 1: things that I define myself by. That one is sort

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00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,760
Speaker 1: of lower on the list, whereas it was sort of,

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00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,440
Speaker 1: you know, the first on the list, and conversational and

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00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:40,000
Speaker 1: and actually one really good friend who I let get

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00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 1: away with it. It's just fucking hell, would you shut

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00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,879
Speaker 1: up talking about cancer? And it was just like a

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00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:51,359
Speaker 1: fox say, honestly, that's enough. It's enough, now, shut up

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00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,800
Speaker 1: talking about your cancer. Yeah it was, and I remember

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00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: just being you heartless. And then but the next day

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00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,399
Speaker 1: I thought about it so much, and I was like,

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00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,959
Speaker 1: he's so right. You know, I was so in it

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00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: for so long that was my only thing I could

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00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 1: talk about. And that day forward, I've stopped talking about

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00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 1: it in the sense that, you know, it literally determined

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00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,680
Speaker 1: my everyday discussion. I mean, just to take it one

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00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:21,080
Speaker 1: step further, reflecting on what that doctor said, what my

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00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 1: happiest moments are I would never have been in the

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00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,199
Speaker 1: relationship I am in now had I not been through that,

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00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 1: Because going through something like that makes you feel less

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00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 1: in life. So therefore love presents itself. Don't question it,

467
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,760
Speaker 1: go for it, go through it. Don't just go what

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00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,800
Speaker 1: if this doesn't work? Oh my god, he's no, it's

469
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: not right. This this the age difference, and and what

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00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: if and and fuck it? Live life, being love, be happy.

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00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 1: That's exactly it. Live life, to be in love, be happy, speaking,

472
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,520
Speaker 1: shining up, talking about it. Thanks thing on the podcast,

473
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,800
Speaker 1: shut up talking about I was talking about your conc

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00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:13,000
Speaker 1: love you Minnie that was so good to do. I

475
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:15,960
Speaker 1: love talking to you. I thank you. I cannot thank

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00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,800
Speaker 1: you enough, Darling one. I love hearing about your life.

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00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,720
Speaker 1: In two thousand and eight, Sam made a short film

478
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,200
Speaker 1: called Love You More, which is actually available on Amazon Prime.

479
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,400
Speaker 1: If you love record shops and the buzz cocks and

480
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,840
Speaker 1: remember the mad persuasion of teenage love, and this film

481
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:39,200
Speaker 1: is for you. Mini Questions is hosted and written by

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00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: Me Mini Driver, supervising producer Aaron Kaufman, Producer Morgan Lavoy,

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00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:52,160
Speaker 1: Research assistant Marissa Brown. Original music Sorry Baby by a

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00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 1: Mini Driver, Additional music by Aaron Kaufman. Executive produced by

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00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,480
Speaker 1: Me and man Gesh Hetty Cador. Special thanks to Jim Nikolay,

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00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 1: Will Pearson, Addison O Day, Lisa Castella and Nick Oppenheim

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00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:14,160
Speaker 1: at w kPr, de La Pescadore, Kate Driver and Jason Weinberg,

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00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:18,400
Speaker 1: and for constantly solicited Tex support, Henry Driver