1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,760 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sam, this is John. We're the ancient 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:06,040 Speaker 1: two Case Storytime podcast hosts, and we have some ancient 3 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,160 Speaker 1: wisdom in the stories coming up. If you want to 4 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,080 Speaker 1: hear the wisdom from two old heads that know more 5 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:12,639 Speaker 1: than they know what to do with, you're gonna have 6 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,239 Speaker 1: to wait for a quick message from our sponsors for 7 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: the next two minutes or so. 8 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 2: My husband fell for my in laws manipulations again again. 9 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,239 Speaker 2: Therapy is unfortunately not in our budget right now, and 10 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,160 Speaker 2: I honestly don't have anyone else to talk to about this. 11 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 2: I've been no contact with my in laws for the 12 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 2: past nine months. It started because of how I was 13 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,160 Speaker 2: treated like a literal incubator during my pregnancy, but it's 14 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 2: continued because my brain is now stuck in constant protection mode. 15 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 2: These people are walking generational trauma and unaddressed mental illness, 16 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 2: and I refuse to expose my child to it. By 17 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 2: the way, this comes from Slightly Bitter forty seven And 18 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,920 Speaker 2: if you want to spit your own stories, go to 19 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 2: the r slash Okay Storytime subbard it. 20 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 3: I'm Sophia, I'm Denise Brady, and I'm a licensed mariage 21 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 3: and family therapist and I practice helping people overcome childhood trauma, 22 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 3: most unavailable parents, and how allaw that manifests into your 23 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 3: life as an adult. 24 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 4: And I'm key on and yes, everyone, please welcome Denise Brady, 25 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,039 Speaker 4: as she said, a licensed marriage and family therapist who's 26 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,279 Speaker 4: been helping people heal since two thousand and nine. Denise 27 00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 4: worked with clients in both California and Texas, creating a 28 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 4: safe space for people to process what they've been holding 29 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,559 Speaker 4: in and take off the mask that's been keeping them 30 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 4: from truly living, setting boundaries and building healthy relationships. Her 31 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,760 Speaker 4: passion for marginalized communities started in South Los Angeles, so 32 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 4: a very cool local over here and Compton, where she 33 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,919 Speaker 4: worked with women rebuilding their lives in breaking generational trauma. Today, 34 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:39,120 Speaker 4: Denise specializes in emd R therapy, which will probably go 35 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 4: into a little bit later, helping clients reprocess painful experiences 36 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,480 Speaker 4: and find long term healing beyond traditional talk therapy. 37 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 5: So, whether you're here. 38 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 4: To learn heal or just understand yourself better, you're in 39 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 4: the right place. Please welcome Denise, Thank you. 40 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 2: For joining us. 41 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 3: Thank you. 42 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 2: We're going to get into this story with your help. Oh, 43 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 2: he says. They have repeatedly disrespected every boundary we have 44 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 2: put in place, both during my pregnancy and postpartum, and 45 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 2: they've shown zero respect for the decisions we've made as parents. 46 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 2: That's why they've had no contact with our child either. 47 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 2: I've made that line very clear. What's driving me absolutely 48 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:18,800 Speaker 2: insane is the predictability of their manipulation. Every single month, 49 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 2: like clockwork, they start guilt tripping and emotionally screwing with 50 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 2: my husband. They lash out at him for prioritizing his 51 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,519 Speaker 2: wife and child over the emotional needs of his extremely 52 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:33,359 Speaker 2: mentally unwell mother, then pretend like nothing happened. After that, 53 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,320 Speaker 2: they act normal and push for visits with our little 54 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 2: one rince repeat. A few days ago, mother in law 55 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 2: and father in law showed up at my husband's work. 56 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,239 Speaker 2: He works with the public, and mother in law starts 57 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 2: infantalizing him in front of coworkers. He shuts it down 58 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,400 Speaker 2: and gray rocked, but it was highly embarrassing and inappropriate. 59 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,240 Speaker 2: Father in law acted polite in person, then waited until 60 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,240 Speaker 2: s O got into the car to call and berate him, 61 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 2: claiming he traded his mom like crap just for setting 62 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 2: a basic boundary and asking to be spoken to like 63 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 2: an adult. His dad's whole attitude is so clearly performative. 64 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 2: He'll talk to my husband like he's a disrespectful, ungrateful 65 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 2: son when mother in law's around, then turn around and 66 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:18,080 Speaker 2: send a friendly, fake butt apologetic text message minutes later, 67 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,920 Speaker 2: as if nothing happened. He's done this more than once, 68 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 2: like when he said sorry if I came off harsh earlier. 69 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 2: I just hate seeing your mom upset. We love you 70 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 2: so much, right after a conversation where he outrights scolded 71 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,840 Speaker 2: my husband for not coddling her. It's manipulative, confusing, and 72 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 2: completely two faced. And we're in a pause because he's 73 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,360 Speaker 2: got a lot of information about these parents. 74 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,680 Speaker 3: Run but you were. 75 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,560 Speaker 2: Talking about how you work with people who have to 76 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,880 Speaker 2: deal with emotionally ature parents, and these definitely feel right 77 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 2: aup All. Yeah, how do you deal with people who 78 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 2: act like like your parents who act like this? 79 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 3: I think it's really hard because you love your parents unconditionally, 80 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 3: but their love at times comes with some placeholders. It's conditional. 81 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 3: So in this situation with them having a grandchild, it 82 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,840 Speaker 3: is the same cycle. If you recognize a cycle, like, 83 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,440 Speaker 3: what are some things you could put in place to 84 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 3: not react if you know this is going to happen, 85 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 3: or you in a place where like, we just don't 86 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 3: want to have contact with you guys at all, because 87 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,040 Speaker 3: they're not going to stop. They want to feel like 88 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 3: the victim. They want to have power, they want to 89 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 3: have control, They want to make you feel bad about 90 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 3: choosing yourselves when probably the whole time their son has 91 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,360 Speaker 3: been a position to always choose them. Yeah, and this 92 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,600 Speaker 3: is the first time that he's not choosing them, He's 93 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 3: choosing his family. 94 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah, No, It definitely seems like they 95 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:42,160 Speaker 2: are going to keep pushing it. 96 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 3: And as a child gets older, then the child might 97 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 3: become a weaponar of things to like be pulled back 98 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 3: and forth to the middle. 99 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 2: Do you want to l watching him? 100 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,839 Speaker 3: Yes? Yeah, yeah, not great. 101 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 2: To my husband's credit, he stood his ground during the call, 102 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 2: though honestly I wish he had just hung up. Then 103 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,480 Speaker 2: in law texts him asking him to message mother in 104 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 2: law and tell her that he loves her, Like what 105 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,719 Speaker 2: why is this grown man acting as her emotional middleman? 106 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 2: Why does she need to be constantly validated? And unfortunately 107 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,360 Speaker 2: my husband did it. He messaged her, told her he 108 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: loves her, and once again explained that he's been asking 109 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 2: for years to be treated like the adult he is. Unsurprisingly, 110 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 2: Mother in law flipped the script, played the victim and 111 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:28,360 Speaker 2: refused to take any accountability. Then father in law follows 112 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 2: up again, thanking s So for the I love you 113 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 2: message and launching into a long, guilt trippy monologue about 114 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,400 Speaker 2: how I need to get over how they treated me 115 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,200 Speaker 2: and how much he loves his son. Classic manipulative garbage. 116 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 2: A couple days later, father in law invited s So 117 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,359 Speaker 2: to lunch, just the two of them, supposedly, and my 118 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,480 Speaker 2: husband still longs for the bond he used to have 119 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 2: with his dad, so he agreed. I tried to be supportive, 120 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 2: but I reminded him to stay cautious. Every time they 121 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 2: act nice, there's an angle, And sure enough I was right. 122 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 2: So gets to the lunch spot and who walks in 123 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,720 Speaker 2: with father in law? Mother in law There had been 124 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 2: zero mention of her coming total ambush. My husband said 125 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:11,640 Speaker 2: she was acting paranoid and unstable the entire time. And 126 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 2: while I've been proud of how far he's come and 127 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,360 Speaker 2: trying to set boundaries, this was one of those moments 128 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 2: where he needed to speak up. He should have said 129 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 2: what is mom doing here? But he didn't. He went 130 00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 2: along with it, and that's the problem. Over lunch, they 131 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 2: bragged about all the things as Soo's wealthy siblings has 132 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 2: been buying lately completely irrelevant, gave Soo one hundred dollars 133 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,160 Speaker 2: for checking on their cat while they were out of town, 134 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,880 Speaker 2: which felt extremely transactional and manipulative, and casually mentioned their 135 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,719 Speaker 2: thinking of buying a third vehicle, despite neither of them 136 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 2: working and barely using the cars they already have. Why 137 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,360 Speaker 2: do they need a third vehicle? There's only two of them. 138 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 2: What are you gonna use the third one for? It's 139 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 2: just for leisure. Meanwhile, we're a one car household. I'm 140 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 2: a stay at home mom and we've cut expenses to 141 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,440 Speaker 2: the bone just to make it work so I can 142 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 2: stay home and raise our child. The contrast felt like 143 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 2: a slap in the face, whether it was meant that 144 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 2: way or not. Do you have any final thoughts? 145 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 3: Well, I think that the sun is raising his parents, 146 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 3: and I think having a new person come in, who's 147 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 3: the wife, she's actually expecting him to respond the way 148 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 3: that she would respond. And really he's never had a voice. 149 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 2: Or you know, confrontational in yeah, and. 150 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 3: So you can't expect your partner to respond the way 151 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 3: that you do or have the same personality. This is 152 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 3: a dynamic he's been in his whole life, so he's 153 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 3: been conditioned to be in some ways apparent to them 154 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 3: and also. 155 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,200 Speaker 2: Just be manage their emotions all the time. 156 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 3: So this is very new. So he's like, what do 157 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:37,800 Speaker 3: I do. I've never had a voice. Now my wife 158 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,120 Speaker 3: is saying, where's your voice? 159 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 2: Yeah? 160 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 3: Speak up? It's like I've never had one, Like give me, 161 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 3: give me some time here. 162 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 2: Yes, Molsto must feel I think, like kind of intimidating 163 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,360 Speaker 2: or overwhelming to have his parents being mad at him, 164 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,760 Speaker 2: and then his wife for a good reason being like 165 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 2: you need to be It's. 166 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,520 Speaker 3: Like okay, knowing that you're still taking care of an infant, yes. 167 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 2: And baby Eddie's like he's just the only one bringing 168 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 2: in money because she's said a mom so like that 169 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 2: also is another kind of you know, weight on him. 170 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 3: He has like really like this place, where where do 171 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 3: I fit in? Where do I go? My wife wants this, 172 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 3: my parents need this, my child needs this. Where do 173 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 3: I really find myself? And it's like I can see 174 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 3: him feeling like very lost and just confused on what 175 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 3: about me? Is anyone seeing me? Everyone wants something, my 176 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 3: wife wants something, my parents want something. But do I 177 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 3: feel seen by anybody? 178 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 2: Yeah? Do you work with a lot of people who 179 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 2: kind of like feel like they lose their identity. 180 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:37,440 Speaker 3: When in parenting and you know, raising their parents being 181 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 3: the the everything to your parent you grow up in 182 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 3: and you have to make decisions and figure yourself out 183 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,840 Speaker 3: when really you no one ever taught you how to 184 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,080 Speaker 3: figure yourself out or that you could be your own person. 185 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,520 Speaker 3: You've always had to be whatever your parents molded you 186 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:52,960 Speaker 3: into when their needs met. 187 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 2: Yeah. 188 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, we have a little bit. 189 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:59,079 Speaker 2: Left a story. Hopefully it doesn't get anywhere. I'm really 190 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,480 Speaker 2: trying not to come up off as controlling, but I 191 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 2: wish my husband had just left. I can't keep watching 192 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,800 Speaker 2: them pull this crap month after month and feel like 193 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,920 Speaker 2: I'm the only one who sees it for what it is. 194 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 2: I stay no contact to protect my peace and my child, 195 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,760 Speaker 2: but every time they manipulate him, it ends up affecting 196 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,960 Speaker 2: me too. I feel like I have to stay looped 197 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 2: in just so I can help him process what's going 198 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,480 Speaker 2: on and name the pattern. But it's making me angrier 199 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,640 Speaker 2: and more exhausted every time. He's come a long way, 200 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 2: and I know firsthand how hard it is to unlearn 201 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:33,200 Speaker 2: a lifetime of conditioning. But if he doesn't fully wake 202 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 2: up to how toxic this cycle is, I don't know 203 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 2: how much longer I can carry the emotional weight for 204 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 2: both of us. And there are some comments. A comment 205 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 2: one says, Hmmm, the way I see it, you're headed 206 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 2: for a crisis point if you're not there already. Therefore, 207 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:49,760 Speaker 2: the situation is not acceptable and it needs to change. 208 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 2: What I suggest is sitting your husband down and telling 209 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 2: him that you can't keep doing this, highlighting the predictability 210 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:59,840 Speaker 2: of these monthly cycles. As long as this keeps happening consistently, 211 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,680 Speaker 2: that's proof no progress is being made. By allowing himself 212 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,960 Speaker 2: to forget last month's cruelty, he's essentially self harming and 213 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,800 Speaker 2: making you watch oh Wow. As the person who swore 214 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 2: to share his pain and protect him, You're in an 215 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 2: impossible position that's breaking your heart and building up resentment. 216 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 2: He should know that, and he should hear it in 217 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,199 Speaker 2: clear words. It's time to ask him to start tracking 218 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,199 Speaker 2: the frequency of these episodes with you, or for him 219 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 2: to trust your own assessment. Then the new goal is improvement, 220 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 2: no more stagnation. He needs to graduate from trying to 221 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 2: hang up during verbal abuse to actually hanging up. Also, 222 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 2: keep in mind that you can look up some therapy 223 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 2: techniques and use them on him within ethical reason. I've 224 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,440 Speaker 2: gotten incredible results with loved ones by pulling from the 225 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,480 Speaker 2: professional two box and comment two says Ope. I say 226 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 2: this kindly but firmly, with the pretext that my husband 227 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 2: has the exact same issues of enmeshment with his family, 228 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,360 Speaker 2: and I understand how difficult it is. But you have 229 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,680 Speaker 2: gotten enmeshed in his family system too, even though you 230 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 2: are no contact and without you addressing that on your end, 231 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 2: it is still perpetuating the same dysfunctional family cycles. I 232 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 2: completely understand feeling like you need to have an eye 233 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 2: on your husband and the frustration of feeling like he 234 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 2: once again disappointed you. But the reality is that the 235 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,800 Speaker 2: pattern you and your husband have created here is enmeshment. 236 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 2: An enmeshed family system continues to find new people to 237 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 2: enmesh until someone breaks the cycle, and oftentimes women are 238 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 2: used repeatedly as release valves to process, where that really 239 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 2: means dumping the pain while not much changes, stop being 240 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 2: involved at all, Reflect on real boundaries you need to 241 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 2: have with your relationship with your husband and expectations you 242 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,200 Speaker 2: have for him. For example, I expect you to be 243 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,119 Speaker 2: involved caretaker of our little one, and if you continually 244 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 2: come home disregulated and unable to care for her, these 245 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:49,520 Speaker 2: are XYZ consequences. Take the emphasis off them and focus 246 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:52,480 Speaker 2: on you. How do you feel? What are you angry 247 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,120 Speaker 2: at your spouse about? What needs to be healed and 248 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 2: resolved in your relationship? Maybe there are certain things you 249 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,439 Speaker 2: need to see your husband doing to show you reaching 250 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 2: for resources outside of you to heal and recovery. Is 251 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 2: he reading books? Is he journaling? Is he looking for 252 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,960 Speaker 2: an enmeshment specialized therapist? These family systems do not heal 253 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,440 Speaker 2: on their own without outside support, and you are not 254 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 2: a healthy person to support him because after years of 255 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 2: shouting about their true intentions, he likely doesn't one hundred 256 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,559 Speaker 2: percent listen to you, and you are likely to interpret 257 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 2: all of their actions negatively. It's also your childhood trauma 258 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 2: getting constantly reactivated by their behavior, and that's not healthy 259 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 2: for anyone. 260 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:28,560 Speaker 6: You. 261 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 2: Knowing all of these details about these meetups and interactions 262 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,720 Speaker 2: helps nobody. You need to learn some boundaries and work 263 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 2: on codependency yourself. Your husband's relationship with his parents is 264 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 2: just that his. You can set boundaries about how it 265 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,320 Speaker 2: involves shared life and your shared space, but you need 266 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 2: to learn to let him navigate himself, or else he 267 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 2: won't grow up and the cycle of infantilization will continue. Furthermore, 268 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,719 Speaker 2: being this involved is just going to burn you out 269 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 2: over time, one hundred percent, and that is the end 270 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 2: of that story. But yeah, I mean it does seem 271 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 2: like it's weighing on OPO lot. 272 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 3: So Yeah, But at the same time, I wonder if 273 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,959 Speaker 3: there's resentment growing. Yeah, and based off of the comment, 274 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,520 Speaker 3: I feel like it's kind of if he doesn't do 275 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,200 Speaker 3: these things, then this is going to happen. It's almost 276 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,720 Speaker 3: the comments almost also giving, like motherly kind of like 277 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,960 Speaker 3: he needs to do these things or do this like 278 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 3: very punishing. Yeah, the same thing that kind of he's 279 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 3: going through with his parents are ready. I don't know 280 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 3: if that's the right like angle, but I do see 281 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,400 Speaker 3: the wife significant other developing resentment that it's once you 282 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,079 Speaker 3: get there, it's hard to come back from resentment. 283 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,719 Speaker 2: I was wondering about like that There was a part 284 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 2: of the comment where I was saying, like, that's his 285 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,040 Speaker 2: relationship with his parents, and maybe there is a way 286 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,040 Speaker 2: for her to kind of step back and be like, 287 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 2: I actually just don't want to, like, you know, I'm 288 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 2: going to have maybe lower no contact with your parents. Yeah, 289 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 2: you can keep having your relationship, true, but it's separate. 290 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:49,480 Speaker 2: But I don't know if that would. 291 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 3: Is that really like likely though, that you could when 292 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,800 Speaker 3: you're your significant other you have a child. Yeah, yeah, 293 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 3: I don't know if it's really likely if you could 294 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 3: separate your self complete and go no contact. He's in 295 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 3: with them, so and now we'll put more stress on 296 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,199 Speaker 3: your relationship. 297 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,480 Speaker 2: Absolutely, if he's having to manage all. 298 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,840 Speaker 3: Of that all you guys, yeah, he's like I have 299 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:08,720 Speaker 3: so many people. 300 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 2: I think the tough part is that he doesn't because 301 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 2: someone else said, like what about therapy and they've already 302 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 2: said that they can't afford it. How do we manage 303 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,680 Speaker 2: all of that when you don't have outside support. 304 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 3: They don't have a lot of I think resources in 305 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 3: general support systems, yeah, to get them through it. So 306 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,800 Speaker 3: I see them that, you know, just the couple and 307 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 3: the child trying to just navigate. So much like a 308 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 3: child being maybe new parents plus the parents his parents. 309 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 3: It just seems kind of like a lot, and I 310 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 3: would hope that they could find maybe friends or other 311 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 3: support systems that help them. 312 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 1: Yeah. 313 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 4: Absolutely, I was gonna say one of our commentars were 314 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 4: they were asking from Surly Sunshine, is it better to 315 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 4: set boundaries gradually or all at once? In this scenario 316 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,720 Speaker 4: it was with especially with a parent like this or 317 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 4: someone alo along those lines, how would you navigate this 318 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 4: per se? 319 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,520 Speaker 3: I would say gradually because you're not even used to 320 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 3: setting boundaries, so you have to just work up to. Yeah, 321 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 3: you have to get used to what boundaries are, what 322 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,520 Speaker 3: they look like. And most people when they're just starting 323 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,880 Speaker 3: out setting boundaries, they're worried about the backlash people look 324 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,800 Speaker 3: at me. Am I going to be a bad child 325 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,840 Speaker 3: when my parents think of me as a bad child. 326 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 3: So slowly implement boundaries that you're comfortable with that you 327 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 3: can maybe that will gradually get you to maybe send 328 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 3: those you know, fruit tree, the higher ones. Start with 329 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 3: the low hanging fruit that you're comfortable with. 330 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, easy stuff. Yeah makes sense, like great advice on 331 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 2: this coast angry job. But we have some comments from 332 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 2: our fans. Okay, our chat the tomlet who might be here, 333 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 2: I'm not sure. 334 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,360 Speaker 5: Maybe it was a late night for everyone. 335 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, everyone was up late, not us, but other people 336 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,200 Speaker 2: were uplate. The tomlet says, I'm thirty nine, non binary 337 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 2: and have been no contact with every member of my 338 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 2: immediate family at some point in my life. I have 339 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:55,120 Speaker 2: c PTSD, diagnosed by my previous therapist from the way 340 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 2: I was raised, with an additional PTSD from an accident 341 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,320 Speaker 2: that left me permanently disabled because of a head injury, 342 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 2: which also gave me anxiety and move my depression firmly 343 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 2: into this severe column. It honestly wasn't until last year 344 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 2: that I realized I had been raised and even spent 345 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 2: most of my life in a brainwashed cult like haze 346 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 2: due to the extremes my mother put our entire family through. 347 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 2: I am in talk therapy, but I simply can't afford 348 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,320 Speaker 2: to see my therapist as often as I need to 349 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,000 Speaker 2: and have never done EMDR, though though I've been told 350 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 2: I would benefit from it. I still live in the 351 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 2: same area I grew up in and honestly hate it, 352 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 2: but can't move at the moment. And there is a 353 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 2: question here being on a fixed income, what can I 354 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 2: do to help myself further cope. I used to not 355 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,040 Speaker 2: remember most of my adolescents in childhood, but over the 356 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 2: last year or so, a lot of it is coming 357 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,080 Speaker 2: back and it wasn't good. Hobbies and other distractions only 358 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 2: go so far. And that is the end of that 359 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 2: question from the tomut. 360 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,840 Speaker 3: So when it comes to trying to find affordable therapy, 361 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 3: I think there are websites and things out there that 362 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 3: can be either low income or free therapy. But looking 363 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 3: at how much trauma you've been through, I do that 364 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 3: you would be a good candid for somatic therapy where 365 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:06,280 Speaker 3: you're resetting your central nervous system and all the things 366 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,959 Speaker 3: that your body still remembers from the trauma you've been 367 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 3: through physically mentally. So hopefully you can find I don't know, 368 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 3: maybe another provider. 369 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 2: Who's a little cheaper, yeah. 370 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 3: Might help you. But I do think that there are 371 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 3: things that you can use tools. They're like some people 372 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,680 Speaker 3: use tapping. There's a lot of body tapping that can 373 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:31,320 Speaker 3: really help you release, recenter yourself and kind of going 374 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,600 Speaker 3: through those memories. But I do hope that you can 375 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,840 Speaker 3: find something that's more consistent, even just like twice a month. 376 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:37,919 Speaker 3: I think you can really help you. 377 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:38,639 Speaker 4: But E M d R. 378 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 3: Yes, beauty to reprocess traumatic memories feelings. 379 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:44,119 Speaker 2: Can you talk a bit about what EMDR is. 380 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:49,679 Speaker 3: Yeah, So EMDR is I, you know, reprocessing, you know, 381 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:53,399 Speaker 3: using eye movements or body sensations to really kind of, 382 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 3: in some ways ex take you back to those memories. 383 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 3: So it's very intense. It can be six months of 384 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,280 Speaker 3: therapy within like only two to three sessions. Well, yes, 385 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 3: it's very intense because we're taking you back to the memory, 386 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 3: the experience in your mind. It's like riding a train. 387 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,080 Speaker 3: Once you get from the train station, you're just gonna 388 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 3: go through all these memories and experiences and we're gonna 389 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 3: go to wherever your brain goes to. 390 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:15,960 Speaker 2: Yeah. 391 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 3: So at the forefront, we're bringing everything from the subconscious 392 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 3: up to the conscious. Yeah, And it can be really 393 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,520 Speaker 3: intense for someone to be kind of sitting in the 394 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 3: thing that they've been avoiding for so long. 395 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:27,919 Speaker 2: Yeah, and it seems like that's kind of what's going 396 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 2: on here, or at least starting to like the memories 397 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:31,720 Speaker 2: coming back. 398 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:34,560 Speaker 3: And especially when you start EMDR, there's gonna be memories 399 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 3: you didn't think he remembered that come up, so you 400 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,879 Speaker 3: want to be able to provide that's consistent with you. Yeah, 401 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,159 Speaker 3: it really is trying to hear you on where you are. Yeah. 402 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 2: There's another question from Mimi Bee, who says, I'm thirty two, 403 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,960 Speaker 2: female and have a complicated relationship with my mom. She 404 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,479 Speaker 2: can be really critical and emotionally distant when she's upset, 405 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,600 Speaker 2: which just made me feel like I'm never enough. I 406 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,439 Speaker 2: love her, but it's hard to balance wanting our relationship 407 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,480 Speaker 2: with her and needing boundaries for my own peace. I 408 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,399 Speaker 2: also don't have a close relationship with my dad, which 409 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:09,480 Speaker 2: leaves me feeling lost sometimes and unsure what healthy love 410 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,120 Speaker 2: and support really looks like. I've started to notice these 411 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,120 Speaker 2: patterns showing up in my other relationships too. Question, how 412 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,720 Speaker 2: can I start healing from this and stop replaying these 413 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,720 Speaker 2: same emotional patterns in my life and relationships. 414 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,920 Speaker 3: Well, there's something I deal with a lot. I wonder 415 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 3: for you, the things that you've always needed from a parent, 416 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 3: Can you find those things in yourself? Can you also 417 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 3: think about what are your needs? Can you get those 418 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 3: needs met from other friends? Mentors, female mentors? But I 419 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,040 Speaker 3: think you have to recognize that no matter what you 420 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 3: do nothing wrong, You're not the problem. Your parent has 421 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,000 Speaker 3: their own issues, and learning to love yourself because a 422 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 3: lot of the conditioning that you have gone through as 423 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 3: a child, through that parenting, you're probably regurgitating that into 424 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:54,719 Speaker 3: your relationships. So learning that am I reacting right now 425 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,359 Speaker 3: because of how I would normally react with my mother 426 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 3: a parent? Or am I reacting to the situation that's 427 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 3: happening in front of me? But knowing that you're not 428 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,200 Speaker 3: a bad child, You're not a bad person. Your mother 429 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:09,240 Speaker 3: had her own issues which she unfortunately poured into you 430 00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:11,720 Speaker 3: as a child. But those things that things you have 431 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,159 Speaker 3: been through do not define you as a person, and 432 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,159 Speaker 3: your trauma does not define you as a person, and 433 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,960 Speaker 3: you can overcome it. It's sitting with yourself, getting to 434 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 3: know yourself as an adult and not yourself as a child. 435 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 3: Your childlike self is still wanting to be released, So 436 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,720 Speaker 3: how do you connect with that? How do you embrace 437 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,199 Speaker 3: your inner child as an adult and learn how to 438 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,200 Speaker 3: love yourself through connecting with your inner child. 439 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,840 Speaker 2: So it kind of goes into like that thing we're 440 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 2: talking about of like finding your identity. 441 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 4: And Mibie b is here in the chat saying I 442 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 4: needed to hear that, oh exactly. 443 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,360 Speaker 2: And we have another question from Kate, who says, I, 444 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,520 Speaker 2: thirty one female, and my fiance, thirty one male, have 445 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,760 Speaker 2: a problem with my fiance's mother. She wanted her family 446 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,399 Speaker 2: to look perfect to everyone around her all her life, 447 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 2: but her family fell apart and we were finally forced 448 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 2: to cut off contact with her last year. She is 449 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,880 Speaker 2: manipulative eyes and always has to be right. She can't 450 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 2: admit that she's wrong and everything has to be her way. 451 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,679 Speaker 2: But we want to establish contact with her because we 452 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 2: are expecting a baby and we would like a relationship 453 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,560 Speaker 2: with rules. Question is how do we set the rules 454 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 2: in a healthy way even if she doesn't want to 455 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,480 Speaker 2: hear us out, but at the same time wants us 456 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 2: to apologize for something we didn't do but her partner 457 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 2: did to us. How do we force her to see 458 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,680 Speaker 2: the truth in a healthy way or. 459 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 3: See her Yes, well, you can't force anybody or do anything, 460 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,439 Speaker 3: So I think you have to figure out what do 461 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 3: you have control of what can you let go of control? 462 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,239 Speaker 3: You don't have control of this other person. But are 463 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,360 Speaker 3: there boundaries, not maybe rules, but boundaries you can set 464 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,680 Speaker 3: in place about expectations with the child? Coming your relationship 465 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 3: and hopefully have some kind of like come to Jesus 466 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,440 Speaker 3: conversation about where we are, where we want to go, 467 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 3: and how we can heal from some of the things 468 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,600 Speaker 3: that have happened. Because you want to bring a child 469 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,280 Speaker 3: into this dynamic, but you want to bring a child 470 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,159 Speaker 3: into a healthy dynamic. So I think it's recognizing what 471 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 3: can I control? What do I need to let go 472 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,600 Speaker 3: of changing my reactions? I can't control her depend on 473 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 3: how she is. She probably is not going to change, and. 474 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,440 Speaker 2: She probably hasn't changed too much since you know, you've 475 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,359 Speaker 2: cut her off contact before. 476 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 3: So you have to you're gonna have contact again. What's 477 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,600 Speaker 3: gonna be different for you? Yeah, because they're probably the 478 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,960 Speaker 3: same person. Yeah, And so you have to think about 479 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,320 Speaker 3: why you want no contact before and if it's worth 480 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,199 Speaker 3: it to open that door to a person who probably 481 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,439 Speaker 3: has not changed. Yeah, and bring a child into that 482 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 3: also absolutely. 483 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 2: Who they can influence and you know, maybe like one 484 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 2: of the boundaries is we never have her watch. 485 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 3: The kid or you know, are alone. Maybe, yeah, leave 486 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 3: her alone, but it's supervised grandma is it's. 487 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, But those are the end of those questions. 488 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,320 Speaker 4: I have one question from awesome, Ashley from the chat. 489 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,159 Speaker 4: I'll go ahead and get that for us, so awesome, 490 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 4: Ashley ask, I have a brain injury. Makes me wonder 491 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 4: if EMD would work for me, seeing as I don't 492 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 4: remember the first eighteen years of experience. So how would 493 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,919 Speaker 4: you go about this, Miss Denise? 494 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,720 Speaker 3: Well, I think a lot of people don't remember the 495 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 3: childhood or have black spots in their childhood that they 496 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,000 Speaker 3: can remember, So I don't know if I would maybe 497 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 3: do like the eye movements with her any do you 498 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 3: with this person with Emdr Briton, Yeah, with them, I 499 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,360 Speaker 3: might do more like body tapping and not so much 500 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,719 Speaker 3: something that's focused more on eye movements and things relaid 501 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,960 Speaker 3: to an injury. I would try and see if like 502 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 3: body tapping my work more for them, because I don't 503 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,640 Speaker 3: want to harm them in any kind of way physically, 504 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 3: and so let's try that for a little bit and 505 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 3: see if that works, or if there's other forms of 506 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 3: somatic therapy that we can do that don't you know, 507 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,879 Speaker 3: physically make you feel like hur or things like that. 508 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 2: Yeah. Hm, perfect, I hope that was helpful. 509 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 3: Hopefully. 510 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 7: Hey it's John here, og host of the show. We're 511 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,879 Speaker 7: gonna get back to these juicy stories. But here's a 512 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,600 Speaker 7: quick three minutes of ads from our sponsors. 513 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,159 Speaker 2: There's something wrong with my wife and I'm scared to 514 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:42,760 Speaker 2: address it. 515 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:43,400 Speaker 3: Scared. 516 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,479 Speaker 2: I'm a thirty seven year old man and my lovely 517 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:51,120 Speaker 2: wife thirty six have little to no problems with each other. However, 518 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 2: upon noticing little things that are mounting up to a 519 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,720 Speaker 2: rather terrifying level, I'm not sure I can ignore this anymore. 520 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,159 Speaker 2: She's a great person. She's done so much for me 521 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,640 Speaker 2: this whole marriage, and respects that I do not want 522 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,840 Speaker 2: to have spicy sleep after a rather traumatizing experience. She 523 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 2: does little things that shows she listens and cares about me, 524 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,440 Speaker 2: and I do the same for her. By the way, 525 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:14,720 Speaker 2: this comes from aggressive male forty seven sixty two. Opie says, 526 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,159 Speaker 2: I want to stay with her because we've been married 527 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,560 Speaker 2: for ten years now and she is all I know. 528 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,119 Speaker 2: But lately I just don't know what's going on and 529 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 2: why she's acting the way she is. We have a dog, Butter. 530 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,840 Speaker 2: No Butter is the most calm dog in the world. 531 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:34,200 Speaker 2: Butter dog hast broken and well trained. However, one time 532 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 2: he was very sick and he went number two on 533 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,160 Speaker 2: the carpet. Dang, that's rough, my wife screamed at Butter. 534 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:42,800 Speaker 2: I told her to stop because the damage was done already, 535 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,560 Speaker 2: and Butter is a dog who is sick. I cleaned 536 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 2: the carpet and she never blew up at Butter again. 537 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,159 Speaker 2: But it rubbed me the wrong way how mean she 538 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 2: was to him. Butter started crying, oh, and trying to 539 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,680 Speaker 2: give her paw, and she just kept screaming at him. No, 540 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,000 Speaker 2: just thinking about my dog because even and I'm like, Ahva, 541 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,479 Speaker 2: she'll like come and cuddle with me when she's in trouble. 542 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:04,960 Speaker 2: Don't scream at your dogs. 543 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:05,159 Speaker 8: No. 544 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,879 Speaker 2: My mom passed in twenty twenty natural causes, but I 545 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,359 Speaker 2: was very close with her, and it took many, many 546 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,040 Speaker 2: years to accept it. I keep her favorite bracelet on 547 00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,840 Speaker 2: a table with family photos. One day it was missing 548 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 2: and I had a panic attack. The bracelet was made 549 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,480 Speaker 2: by my mom's grandfather and she wore it every day. 550 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 2: But when I told my wife, she told me that 551 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,679 Speaker 2: she sold it. What I sobbed. I wasn't mad at her, 552 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 2: just devastated why. But soon after the bracelet was back 553 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,240 Speaker 2: on the table and I asked her about that, she 554 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,199 Speaker 2: started laughing and saying that you should have seen your face. 555 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,719 Speaker 2: That's so cruel. When we were gardening, I noticed I'd 556 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 2: dropped my keys. She was grouchy since it was hot, 557 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 2: and she was planting flowers since the morning, and when 558 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:49,760 Speaker 2: she found them, she threw them at me. 559 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:50,240 Speaker 3: Oh. 560 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,400 Speaker 2: She felt horrible, but that reaction threw me off. One time, 561 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:56,840 Speaker 2: after work on Halloween, I was feeling particularly depressed. She 562 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 2: played a prank on me and jump scared me, something 563 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,720 Speaker 2: we do every time Halloween. I started crying and having 564 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,840 Speaker 2: a breakdown because it was kind of the last straw 565 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,520 Speaker 2: for me after my shift. She laughed and kept laughing, 566 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,960 Speaker 2: then went back to the living room and watched TV. 567 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 2: One time, on Facebook, we found out that a classmate 568 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,919 Speaker 2: had been in a car accident. I told her and 569 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,199 Speaker 2: she shrugged, saying that she really didn't know her, so 570 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,879 Speaker 2: it doesn't matter. The poor girl was heavily injured, and 571 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,919 Speaker 2: my memories of her from school were pleasant, and she 572 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,520 Speaker 2: genuinely didn't deserve what happened. My wife and I love horror, 573 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 2: we are horror fans, but I cannot stand violence against animals. 574 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,480 Speaker 2: So when we put on When Evil Lurks, I threw up. Oh, 575 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 2: the kicker is that she has seen it but wanted 576 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,920 Speaker 2: to watch it with me since she loves it so much. 577 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,320 Speaker 2: I would have appreciated a warning, which I vocalized. She 578 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 2: shrugged it off, and that was that I love her. 579 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,639 Speaker 2: I recognize that sometimes her behavior is unacceptable and concerning, 580 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,800 Speaker 2: but you all have to realize that for the past 581 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,520 Speaker 2: sixteen years now, she's been my world. We dated for 582 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,320 Speaker 2: six years before getting married, and it's been ten years 583 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:00,240 Speaker 2: since our wedding. In those sixteen years, I've witness to 584 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,240 Speaker 2: her go through horrific things, and she's witnessed the same. 585 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,959 Speaker 2: I noticed the change over the past three or so years. 586 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 2: Even then in the moment, I didn't see it as 587 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,719 Speaker 2: an issue until reading that little journal entry. However, I 588 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,000 Speaker 2: just don't want to leave her. I met her young, 589 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:16,160 Speaker 2: and all I know is her. She's seen me through 590 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 2: the most vulnerable parts of my life and vice versa. 591 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:22,400 Speaker 2: Her family and my family are basically intertwined. She's basically 592 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,320 Speaker 2: been there longer than when she hasn't. If I have 593 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,199 Speaker 2: to leave her, I think that will be it for me. 594 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 2: That'll be all I have. I'm thirty seven, which isn't old, 595 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,000 Speaker 2: but also not desirable either. My therapist is on vacation, 596 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,679 Speaker 2: so I can't tell her yet. I need somebody to 597 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:40,160 Speaker 2: talk to because everybody that I'm telling brushes it off 598 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 2: since she's a very sweet person to them. I just 599 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 2: want to fix this. We have no kids. I had 600 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,399 Speaker 2: a rough experience that made me realize I am on 601 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,679 Speaker 2: the spectrum and there is an update. What thoughts you 602 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 2: have for op because this seems like a really tough 603 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 2: moment in their marriage, at least for the last three years. 604 00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:00,359 Speaker 3: Does the partner like them? I just know it's like 605 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,280 Speaker 3: the partner likes them. 606 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean we've had stories because the only thing 607 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 2: I'm wondering is it seems like she's changed a lot 608 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,439 Speaker 2: within the past three years. So this wasn't something that 609 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,520 Speaker 2: she wasn't how she always was. So we always were 610 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,679 Speaker 2: always like, was is there a tumor or something? Is 611 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,719 Speaker 2: there like a reason or is it just like this 612 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 2: resentment has been building. 613 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,160 Speaker 3: I think it can be resmbment acting people fall love. 614 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,439 Speaker 3: It doesn't sound like they're the same person that you 615 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,040 Speaker 3: know they were when they first got married. It just 616 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,800 Speaker 3: doesn't give to me, I love you no. And for 617 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 3: the person who's asking the question, it kind of feels 618 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,240 Speaker 3: like this has been my security blanket. This is all 619 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,960 Speaker 3: I know. So it's safer to stay with someone who 620 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 3: hurts me than know out there starting all over. 621 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, day eighty seven, that's scary. 622 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, but you have to ask yourself, do you want 623 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:46,680 Speaker 3: a lifetime of being with someone who doesn't like you? 624 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 2: Yeah? 625 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 3: I think that you know, the bracelet like and then 626 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,880 Speaker 3: to laugh. Yeah, it just kind of feels like. 627 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:56,480 Speaker 2: That was so cruel. Yeah, I see your partner like sobbing, 628 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:57,480 Speaker 2: I would ask. 629 00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 3: Do you like me? Yeah? 630 00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 6: Do you like me? 631 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:00,320 Speaker 2: Even like me? 632 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,760 Speaker 3: Because it doesn't seem like it. It's a hard situation 633 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,480 Speaker 3: because there's a lot of history here, but it's history 634 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:07,000 Speaker 3: worth staying longer. 635 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 2: It's like for the sunk cost fallacy. 636 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 3: Mm hmm. 637 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:13,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, you've been here for so long, but you're not happy. No, 638 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,480 Speaker 2: you doesn't seem to be happy. 639 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 3: And then yelling at the dog. 640 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, and he already she already knows that he doesn't 641 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,280 Speaker 2: like violence to get his animals, and then she's doing it, 642 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 2: you know. 643 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,320 Speaker 3: And it sounds like the dog was sick. Yeah, it 644 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,800 Speaker 3: wasn't on purpose, it was just like something that happened. 645 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:30,120 Speaker 3: But to berate the dog, yeah, I don't know even 646 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:30,400 Speaker 3: if it. 647 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,720 Speaker 2: You know, dog's never going to do it on purpose, 648 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 2: but especially in this case. 649 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 3: And then the dog will learn to be afraid of 650 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,000 Speaker 3: you exactly. 651 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:41,719 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean they remember, Yeah, but there is an update. Oh, okay, update, 652 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:43,800 Speaker 2: I'm leaving my ex wife Anna. 653 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 3: Oh they started ex wife. Yeah. 654 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 2: That's wow. So I think if he realized from all 655 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 2: those comments. I wonder if his therapist has come back 656 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,719 Speaker 2: or if he was just like, the therapist will come 657 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:55,520 Speaker 2: back and he's like, hey, so you missed a lot. 658 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,520 Speaker 2: I'm leaving her, but we are still living together. As 659 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 2: I pack my things, I'm not really scared of her anymore. 660 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,479 Speaker 2: So that's her name? Oh wow, okay, so that's her 661 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,360 Speaker 2: real name. I sat down and had a conversation with her. 662 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,520 Speaker 2: Everything I wrote down and posted here was copy and 663 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:13,160 Speaker 2: pasted from Google Docs. I showed it to her, and 664 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:16,480 Speaker 2: she blew up at me. I understand why she was angry. 665 00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 2: I did share information about our marriage and life on 666 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 2: the internet. Her emotions were reasonable, but I started to 667 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,239 Speaker 2: get very irritable. She listened to the word vomit that 668 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,560 Speaker 2: just spewed out. She didn't interrupt me or yell at 669 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 2: me because I think she realized in that moment how 670 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,320 Speaker 2: badly it was all affecting me. I begged her to 671 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 2: just hear me out, and surprisingly she did. She admitted 672 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,960 Speaker 2: to me that she also recognized that she was changing 673 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,600 Speaker 2: and told her therapist about it. She said that she's 674 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,760 Speaker 2: been scaring herself and that she's been having anger issues 675 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:50,240 Speaker 2: flaring up that she's noticed, and as some of you predicted, 676 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:53,960 Speaker 2: she didn't want to give Spicy sleep up, so she 677 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 2: cheated on me with some guys she met at her job. 678 00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:01,120 Speaker 3: Ah, I was seeing maybe it was menopause or something. 679 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I well, I mean that kind of makes 680 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 2: sense in the sense of, like, she definitely doesn't like him. Yeah, probably. 681 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:07,480 Speaker 3: Wow. 682 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,960 Speaker 2: Oh he has this experience, you know, traumatic experience where 683 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 2: you know, he's like, no longer wanting Spice to sleep 684 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,360 Speaker 2: in their lives, and then instead of actually talking to 685 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 2: him someone else yeah yeah, instead of having the discussion 686 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,480 Speaker 2: saying this no longer works for us, just cheat. Honestly, 687 00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:26,240 Speaker 2: by the time she explained herself, I didn't care. With 688 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 2: everything that has happened, this was the least shocking. 689 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:33,280 Speaker 4: How do you explain yourself with you know, cheating on you? Sorry, honey, 690 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:34,640 Speaker 4: I cheated on you, but I love you. 691 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:35,720 Speaker 5: Yeah. 692 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 2: She's like, oh my bad, let. 693 00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:39,680 Speaker 4: Me explain, you know, you'll hear me out right? 694 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 2: Yeah? 695 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:42,120 Speaker 3: And did she only bring it up because of the 696 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:45,240 Speaker 3: whole like Google docs thing, which she never had brought 697 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:45,600 Speaker 3: that up? 698 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 2: Well, I think I think. Ope, was you know break 699 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 2: or you know, divorcing her? And she's like, well, I 700 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,960 Speaker 2: guess I guess I should mention. 701 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:54,240 Speaker 3: For what purpose? Though? 702 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:58,080 Speaker 2: Yeah? At that point I asked Anna genuinely if she 703 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,840 Speaker 2: loved the man she met, and she said yes, okay, 704 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,560 Speaker 2: which hurt but also didn't seem like a surprise to me. 705 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,200 Speaker 2: I told Anna that if she didn't love me, I 706 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:08,600 Speaker 2: can divorce her and we can figure out the separation 707 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:12,800 Speaker 2: and home situation. She agreed far too quickly, but I 708 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,880 Speaker 2: was so emotionally exhausted and done with her crap that 709 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 2: it didn't register how little she valued the marriage. I 710 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,840 Speaker 2: just told her that for the next guy, she needs 711 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 2: to get help. She agreed that she would check herself 712 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,080 Speaker 2: into the hospital. Some of you suggested a tumor, but 713 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,120 Speaker 2: that wasn't the case, okay. Her explanation was that the 714 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:33,920 Speaker 2: other man got her into substances. That's all I'll say 715 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,520 Speaker 2: on the matter. I mean, yeah, depending on what she 716 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,360 Speaker 2: was taking that can have effected on the brain. At 717 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 2: this point, I don't even care what the reason was, 718 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,080 Speaker 2: because the impact was the same. Yeah. I mean at 719 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:45,480 Speaker 2: that point she had already cheated on you. 720 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:46,080 Speaker 3: Yeah. 721 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,480 Speaker 2: Honestly, I'll forever punt myself down for not recognizing any 722 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,200 Speaker 2: warning signs sooner. It should have never gotten to the 723 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 2: point that it did. And while it may not be 724 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 2: my fault, I'm haunted every day by the thought that 725 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,320 Speaker 2: I could have been smarter and stopped her from doing 726 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,400 Speaker 2: everything that she did. When I say that she wasn't 727 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 2: always like this, I mean it. I missed the woman 728 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,440 Speaker 2: she used to be, the lovely girl I've known for 729 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 2: almost two decades. I know this was something that had 730 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,160 Speaker 2: to be done, But no matter how many times I 731 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 2: tell myself that, it doesn't make me feel any better. 732 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,520 Speaker 2: For those wanting to know, Butter is safe. Okay, Thank goodness, 733 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 2: he's a good boy, and he's staying with my sister 734 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 2: while I pack up to leave. My wife never physically 735 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:26,880 Speaker 2: hurt him, but she has yelled at him a few times. 736 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 2: It hurts not having him here all the time since 737 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 2: my sister's house is thirty minutes away, but he's safe 738 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,840 Speaker 2: and I actually see him tonight. I also inform my 739 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:37,520 Speaker 2: family about this situation. I didn't want to, but I 740 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,840 Speaker 2: knew it was necessary. They understood and apologized for their 741 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:43,840 Speaker 2: brushing off of the situation. Yeah, because Ope said, everyone 742 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,480 Speaker 2: that he told about this issue was just like. 743 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 3: God, it's fine. Isn't that fine? 744 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:48,080 Speaker 6: No? 745 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, and now he gets to be like, well, wasn't 746 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,080 Speaker 2: that fine? She cheated on me. 747 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:54,800 Speaker 3: It's sad that I was very much his pain was normalized. 748 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, like, no one he was going to is actually 749 00:33:57,680 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 2: listening to him. 750 00:33:58,360 --> 00:33:59,920 Speaker 3: Are the people he's around are they happy? 751 00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 2: That's yeah? Yeah, they're like this is normal. He's like, 752 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,920 Speaker 2: is this your relationship? But to be fair, I downplayed it, 753 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 2: so that could also be why they didn't see it 754 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,160 Speaker 2: as an issue. Okay, her family knows beer splitting as well. 755 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:14,200 Speaker 2: As for me, I don't really have friends that are 756 00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 2: available often, so I've spent most of my time alone 757 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,960 Speaker 2: in the house thinking to myself it was our house 758 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 2: at one point. I remember when we first bought it 759 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,040 Speaker 2: and how excited she was my best friend and I 760 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,719 Speaker 2: are going to eat out together. Nice, So that's something 761 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,759 Speaker 2: to look forward to. She's still admitted I don't hear 762 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,040 Speaker 2: from her because they take your phone away at the hospital. 763 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:36,680 Speaker 2: I hope she can recover, But after everything that my therapist, family, 764 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 2: best friend, and you guys have said, I can't bring 765 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:42,239 Speaker 2: myself to stay with her. Breaking it off felt like 766 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:43,640 Speaker 2: ripping my own arm off. 767 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:44,280 Speaker 3: Wow. 768 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,399 Speaker 2: I was devastated and still am. I wonder if there's 769 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,799 Speaker 2: kind of like there was some codependency there. 770 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, I will wonder. Also, how is he going to 771 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:54,720 Speaker 3: move on from the trauma of this whole thing? Yeah, 772 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 3: into a new relationship a lot? Yeah? 773 00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:59,839 Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely. She seemed distraught as well, But I don't 774 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,480 Speaker 2: know what to believe anymore. I don't think she doesn't 775 00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,399 Speaker 2: care about me. I think there's a part of her 776 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:08,759 Speaker 2: that still cares. But maybe I'm wishfully thinking. Even through everything, 777 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,959 Speaker 2: I can't be mad at her, but I know loving 778 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,799 Speaker 2: her isn't good for me. Is it wrong to forgive her? 779 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,239 Speaker 2: To see everything from her side? It hurts, it really does. 780 00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:19,880 Speaker 2: I don't know anything but her. It feels like my 781 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,080 Speaker 2: life is over, even though it isn't. I don't want 782 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,920 Speaker 2: to date again, but I just want to connect with 783 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,920 Speaker 2: other people. It didn't click how isolated I was until 784 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,480 Speaker 2: I left. I realize now that she is at fault 785 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,080 Speaker 2: for my lack of communication with anybody. I'm going to 786 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,920 Speaker 2: be fine. It's only been like two weeks, but it's 787 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 2: been the longest two weeks of my life. I realize 788 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,520 Speaker 2: that there are more people around that support and care 789 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:42,200 Speaker 2: about me, And honestly, was really hard to accept that 790 00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,440 Speaker 2: Anna was a disturbed individual who didn't love me. Yea, 791 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:49,160 Speaker 2: Sometimes I still convince myself that she does, but everybody 792 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 2: around me states that she doesn't. And I'm coming to 793 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:54,680 Speaker 2: terms with this. It's progress and there is a little 794 00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,320 Speaker 2: bit left to this story. Do you have any final thoughts. 795 00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 3: Don't blame yourself. Yeah, learn that you can love again, 796 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,200 Speaker 3: that there is someone who will love you. 797 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:03,160 Speaker 2: Yeah. 798 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 3: Give yourself time, pace yourself. Don't jump in another relationship, absolutely, especially. 799 00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:09,600 Speaker 2: I know yourself such a long relationship. Yeah. 800 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,000 Speaker 3: Get to know yourself where you are today and just 801 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:12,800 Speaker 3: date yourself. 802 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:13,160 Speaker 2: Yeah. 803 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,400 Speaker 3: Figure out who you are at thirty seven, which you like. 804 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:18,600 Speaker 3: But don't blame yourself because that will keep you. I 805 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:20,840 Speaker 3: think stuck in the past when you're trying to move forward. 806 00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:23,239 Speaker 2: I also think on like the date yourself thing. It's 807 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,360 Speaker 2: he mentioned I've been spending a lot of time in 808 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,880 Speaker 2: the house because everyone's busy, and I think it's you know, 809 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:32,120 Speaker 2: this is specific to me, but like whenever I want 810 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,200 Speaker 2: alone time, but not to necessarily be stuck in the house, 811 00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:37,920 Speaker 2: like I climb, so like I rock climbing, okay, and 812 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,279 Speaker 2: like you go to like communal places where you don't 813 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:43,160 Speaker 2: necessarily have to like you could still have that kind 814 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:47,360 Speaker 2: of yeah, alone time, but you're not stuck in one place. 815 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,319 Speaker 2: So it's like finding those activities and stuff that work 816 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:53,520 Speaker 2: for you and gets you unstuck. 817 00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,400 Speaker 3: I think for him learning like what those things are. Yeah, 818 00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,440 Speaker 3: it seems like he was so connected and involved in 819 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,000 Speaker 3: his relationship. I one er was there's time ever for 820 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,680 Speaker 3: himself to just what do I, like, what do I 821 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:04,640 Speaker 3: need outside. 822 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,919 Speaker 2: Of my marriage because you know, I mean he even said, 823 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,080 Speaker 2: like it's like taking an arm off. 824 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,719 Speaker 3: So yeah, the person he's very connected literally is yeah, 825 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:12,799 Speaker 3: is a part of him. 826 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:15,480 Speaker 4: I was going to say, like what we've said focus 827 00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:17,640 Speaker 4: on yourself, but this is a good time to also 828 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,800 Speaker 4: focus on those relationships that are around you, for as family, 829 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,719 Speaker 4: you know that you maybe want to rekindle or at 830 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:27,239 Speaker 4: least bring more compassion or something to distract you, but 831 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:28,479 Speaker 4: also spend time with Butter. 832 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, got Butter. You got a person to care 833 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:31,839 Speaker 2: for it. And I feel like. 834 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:34,720 Speaker 4: Sometimes I feel like Butter would be not the perfect distraction, 835 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:38,440 Speaker 4: but it's a distraction that is loving, compassionate, and some 836 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,719 Speaker 4: some something that will Yeah, good for you. 837 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:45,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's unfortunate that that Butter's is like thirty minutes away, though, Yeah, 838 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:46,480 Speaker 3: it's not that easy. 839 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,240 Speaker 2: But Angela Connolly actually asks kind of what I was thinking, 840 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:51,080 Speaker 2: if she's in the hospital, why is he staying Why 841 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:53,520 Speaker 2: is Butter staying at his sisters? Maybe that was you 842 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,880 Speaker 2: know this, it's new that she's in the hospital, and 843 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:57,120 Speaker 2: that was the original arrangement. 844 00:37:57,239 --> 00:37:59,840 Speaker 3: Maybe he's in between places, so it's not really stable 845 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,040 Speaker 3: for Butter to still be there as he's trying to 846 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 3: figure it out. 847 00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:04,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean also he probably is trying to, like 848 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,840 Speaker 2: is reeling. So taking care of a dog can yess 849 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,160 Speaker 2: difficult because you have to remember, Yeah. 850 00:38:10,239 --> 00:38:11,640 Speaker 5: Someone said, Butter won't do you wrong. 851 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,239 Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't believe it's not. 852 00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:17,880 Speaker 5: But maybabe make a mess on the carpet. But that's okay, Okay. 853 00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,120 Speaker 3: It sounds like Butter also has health issues, so that 854 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:21,160 Speaker 3: could be something. 855 00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,200 Speaker 2: That also, Yeah, you have to doubly think about that, 856 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:26,080 Speaker 2: but there is a little bit left Tory. 857 00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:27,920 Speaker 7: Hey, it's John here, og host of the show. We're 858 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:29,480 Speaker 7: going to get back to these juicy stories. But here's 859 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:31,400 Speaker 7: a quick three minutes of ads from our sponsors. 860 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,600 Speaker 2: I've spent more than sixteen years with this woman tormenting me. 861 00:38:35,719 --> 00:38:37,400 Speaker 2: Oh well, that's just what she said. It was the 862 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,200 Speaker 2: last three years, and now we're finding out last sixteen. 863 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,279 Speaker 3: Now he's out of it, he realizes, Oh yeah, and 864 00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:43,600 Speaker 3: I have. 865 00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:46,640 Speaker 2: A warped perception of reality. It truly is not easy 866 00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,759 Speaker 2: to experience any of this, and honestly, sometimes I want 867 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,760 Speaker 2: to come back to her, but I know that maybe 868 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:53,520 Speaker 2: I can find the woman or man for me that 869 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,600 Speaker 2: will love me the way I need to and working 870 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,640 Speaker 2: it out in therapy, And honestly, I'm still frightened Havana, 871 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,160 Speaker 2: but I'm thankful that she was the catalyst to a 872 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:03,520 Speaker 2: new chapter of my life. I learned a lot from this, 873 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,840 Speaker 2: mostly what love is and isn't. I wish Anna the 874 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:09,880 Speaker 2: best wherever the future takes her, while I'm sad that 875 00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:11,719 Speaker 2: the future will not have me in it. I think 876 00:39:11,719 --> 00:39:13,840 Speaker 2: this was the best for both of us, since she 877 00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:16,800 Speaker 2: didn't seem to love me and I now fear her. 878 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,040 Speaker 2: This should be the end of my updates. I want 879 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:20,880 Speaker 2: to be done with this and I want to move on, 880 00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:23,520 Speaker 2: and that is the end of that story. 881 00:39:23,719 --> 00:39:24,000 Speaker 3: Wow. 882 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,920 Speaker 2: But I think divorcing her is a good start to 883 00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:27,319 Speaker 2: moving on. 884 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:29,480 Speaker 3: Take back your life, find out who you are. 885 00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:32,000 Speaker 2: Six seven eight says I think it's sad people put 886 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:34,560 Speaker 2: up with so much in a relationship thinking it's normal. 887 00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,160 Speaker 2: Then when you look back, you realize how bad it 888 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:37,799 Speaker 2: actually was. 889 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,200 Speaker 3: I think people normalize it though, so you're like, oh, okay, 890 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:43,840 Speaker 3: people around me are in similar relationships, are telling me 891 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:44,719 Speaker 3: it's not that bad. 892 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,959 Speaker 2: So even in this one, yeah it's not that bad. 893 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 3: So I'll just keep staying. 894 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,640 Speaker 2: And I think a lot of times it happens gradually 895 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:53,719 Speaker 2: for people. So by the time that you realize, oh 896 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:56,400 Speaker 2: this is not that great, you've already been there for 897 00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:58,600 Speaker 2: so long. Yeah, you're like, okay, well, I guess I'll 898 00:39:58,600 --> 00:39:59,479 Speaker 2: just keep pushing through. 899 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:03,360 Speaker 3: Again. Something is better than nothing. Yeah, another reason people stay. 900 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:05,800 Speaker 3: I think that like the unknown is scarier. 901 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:07,640 Speaker 5: Yeah, I do have one question. 902 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,280 Speaker 4: It looks like they messaged me, I will go ahead 903 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,319 Speaker 4: and read it. It is from our very own red 904 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,879 Speaker 4: Bull Rana, So thank you Red Bull for this. Red 905 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:20,840 Speaker 4: Bull says I have diagnosed severe PTSD, anxiety and depression. 906 00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,759 Speaker 4: My niapers are so bad they throw me into a 907 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,000 Speaker 4: panic attack and that's how I wake up. I've been 908 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,440 Speaker 4: trying to find a psychiatrist that will take this seriously 909 00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:31,120 Speaker 4: and give me the medication I need, as well as 910 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,959 Speaker 4: refer me to a therapist or therapy that will help 911 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:36,640 Speaker 4: because I have black holes from events that have happened 912 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,640 Speaker 4: in my life. Is there a way that I can 913 00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:42,200 Speaker 4: find this easier because it's been a battle for years. Also, 914 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:44,560 Speaker 4: what type of therapy do you think would help best? 915 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:48,319 Speaker 3: When it comes to the psychiatry appointment, Like find a psychiatrist. 916 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:51,080 Speaker 3: It is challenging for my clients who've never been on 917 00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:54,960 Speaker 3: medication are been working with psychiatrists. I always say, have 918 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 3: your questions out there so that you know when you 919 00:40:57,719 --> 00:41:00,600 Speaker 3: go into the appointment what you want to need from them, 920 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:05,439 Speaker 3: because sometimes psychiatrists are just like, oh, okay, your next, next, next, next, 921 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:08,440 Speaker 3: and don't spend time getting to know you. So have 922 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,720 Speaker 3: some questions figure out what you need from a psychiatrist 923 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,879 Speaker 3: instead of them telling you what you need. You're here 924 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,640 Speaker 3: for services. You're supposed to help me. I'm just not 925 00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:21,160 Speaker 3: another number is one thing. And I probably would suggest 926 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:25,160 Speaker 3: EMDR therapy for PTSD with those nightmares because it's like 927 00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:28,680 Speaker 3: something from your conscious is really stuck in your subconscious 928 00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,520 Speaker 3: and whatever is stuck in there is coming up in 929 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,000 Speaker 3: your sleep. So you want to work on bringing that 930 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:39,320 Speaker 3: subconscious to the surface through something like EMDR therapy somatic 931 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,560 Speaker 3: therapy to help you really process what's coming up that 932 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,359 Speaker 3: you haven't really worked through. 933 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:47,080 Speaker 5: Some super mom asked, can kids do EMDR? 934 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:51,279 Speaker 3: Yes, kids can do EMDR. I don't my demographic is 935 00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:53,440 Speaker 3: more adults, but yes, there are people out there who 936 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:57,000 Speaker 3: work with kids, sitting with them through like the tapping 937 00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,200 Speaker 3: eye of movement. And then there are people who use 938 00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:01,600 Speaker 3: a light bar where it's basically a light bar in 939 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:03,359 Speaker 3: front of you and then you're just look, your eyes 940 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,200 Speaker 3: are just moving back and forth at the light bar. 941 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,120 Speaker 3: So yeah, kids can do EMDR. Also, it's very helpful 942 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:11,120 Speaker 3: for all age groups. I don't know about babies, of course, 943 00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:13,360 Speaker 3: but you know kids, Yes it does. 944 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:15,799 Speaker 5: Red Bull says, thank you so much. 945 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:16,840 Speaker 3: Oh, you're welcome. 946 00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:21,600 Speaker 2: Nina Nelson says, does EMDR help when it's CPTSD, since 947 00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:23,399 Speaker 2: it's not just one of them, but the whole life 948 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:24,439 Speaker 2: during a period of time. 949 00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,680 Speaker 3: Kind of Yes, I would say nine nine percent of 950 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:31,759 Speaker 3: my clients have CTSD. So with me, you know, when 951 00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:33,640 Speaker 3: I work with clients and I'm working with people who 952 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:36,800 Speaker 3: have CPTSD, I want to go back to the memory 953 00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:40,000 Speaker 3: that you're experiencing the most, either of that or what 954 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,600 Speaker 3: is troubling you today, because most of the stuff that's 955 00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:45,759 Speaker 3: troubling you today it goes back to childhood. So let's 956 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:48,240 Speaker 3: go back to the first time you've experienced this feeling. 957 00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:51,480 Speaker 3: And some people say it's elementary school things like that, 958 00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,560 Speaker 3: But yes, if you have lots of different traumatic experiences 959 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:56,919 Speaker 3: like most of us do, we just you know, take 960 00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:58,960 Speaker 3: a little bit from here, take a little bit from 961 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,360 Speaker 3: their focus on maybe one one thing, and once you 962 00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:04,200 Speaker 3: kind of fly, you feel better. Are you're not as 963 00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:06,600 Speaker 3: retriggered by some of the things I trigger about that 964 00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:09,840 Speaker 3: one singular thing, We'll go to another thing. Yeah, But 965 00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:12,680 Speaker 3: I would say, you know, all of my clients have 966 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:15,920 Speaker 3: some type of complex PTSD and not a singular event. 967 00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:18,000 Speaker 5: We do have Kim Kim are you there. 968 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:23,840 Speaker 2: Hello, Yes, welcome, it's trip be okay. 969 00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:26,880 Speaker 5: I So, right before we get into your question, Kim 970 00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:30,640 Speaker 5: for Denise, Yeah, I guess it's kind of a lunchy parter. 971 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:36,520 Speaker 9: But for starters, Uh, do you agree or disagree that 972 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:45,279 Speaker 9: a parent with narcissistic traits if you make them feel. 973 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:48,040 Speaker 6: The trade, do you think that that is something that 974 00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:49,960 Speaker 6: can be recovered from or do you think that that 975 00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:52,640 Speaker 6: will be weaponized for the remainder. 976 00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,359 Speaker 3: I think it's something that they will try and repize, 977 00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,879 Speaker 3: weaponize to keep you kind of in there, like stay 978 00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:00,000 Speaker 3: over here. If they start to fly, you're a bad 979 00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:02,920 Speaker 3: in them, are something that's going to start her in 980 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,319 Speaker 3: their ego. They're fractured ego. They will lash out at you, 981 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,239 Speaker 3: and that's when you feel more of the them try 982 00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:11,560 Speaker 3: and take control over you. So I do think it's 983 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,759 Speaker 3: something that you will see if you're trying to get 984 00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,719 Speaker 3: away from someone who has narcisstic traits. Yes. 985 00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:20,400 Speaker 6: So the other part of my question is I currently 986 00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:22,960 Speaker 6: have that kind of relationship with my OWD moother and 987 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:26,520 Speaker 6: we've been no contact kind off and on for a while, 988 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:30,040 Speaker 6: but she hasn't seen my kids for a year, and 989 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:33,840 Speaker 6: that wasn't the original intention was trying to just like 990 00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:37,879 Speaker 6: get enough space and everything. But she's showing signs because 991 00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:39,960 Speaker 6: it's always like right when we're about to find and 992 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:44,320 Speaker 6: be like, okay, you know we can try something strict boundaries. 993 00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:46,920 Speaker 10: Yeah, and she keeps making it worse. 994 00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:50,960 Speaker 6: But now the way that she's speaking in regards to 995 00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:54,960 Speaker 6: my kids, because they think one of them would lied about. 996 00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 10: Something she did or didn't do. 997 00:44:57,080 --> 00:45:00,960 Speaker 8: H the way that she's speaking about it, do you 998 00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:04,120 Speaker 8: think that somebody like that would go to the extent 999 00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:08,760 Speaker 8: of against your kids because they're. 1000 00:45:08,560 --> 00:45:09,719 Speaker 6: Still that angry with you. 1001 00:45:10,719 --> 00:45:13,680 Speaker 3: It's interesting, like being a child myself who's a parent. 1002 00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:15,920 Speaker 3: I have a parent who's a narcissist a mother, and 1003 00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,480 Speaker 3: I've gone no contact several times throughout my life, and 1004 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:22,759 Speaker 3: I have kids. It's really hard with kids because sometimes 1005 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:25,480 Speaker 3: the mother will act differently with the children. But then 1006 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,760 Speaker 3: I feel like my kids pick up on her energy 1007 00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:29,959 Speaker 3: towards you, pick up on the energy that my mom 1008 00:45:30,040 --> 00:45:33,040 Speaker 3: is not being nice and she can be very critical, 1009 00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:36,040 Speaker 3: and so my kids start to pull away from you know, 1010 00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:39,040 Speaker 3: she's mean to us and things like that. So I 1011 00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:42,759 Speaker 3: don't know your particular situation if she can weaponize it, 1012 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,839 Speaker 3: but I think that sometimes the relationship you have with 1013 00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:47,439 Speaker 3: your mother can get in the way of her having 1014 00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:51,640 Speaker 3: a relationship with the children, because sometimes she will see 1015 00:45:51,719 --> 00:45:56,520 Speaker 3: you and the child. So of your thinking no, go ahead, 1016 00:45:57,280 --> 00:45:57,520 Speaker 3: that was. 1017 00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:02,480 Speaker 2: Yeah I had before. 1018 00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:06,040 Speaker 10: Going on contact. I've already said like, I'm not going 1019 00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:07,400 Speaker 10: to ask her to watch the kids. 1020 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:08,359 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's like. 1021 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:11,919 Speaker 10: There's no interest in relationship with my husband, or she'd 1022 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:14,120 Speaker 10: be like, yo, don't want to go out to you 1023 00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:17,960 Speaker 10: with just me or occasionally with the kids, Like she 1024 00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:19,759 Speaker 10: wouldn't want to just take the kids on her own. 1025 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:21,600 Speaker 8: It's like she wants me there too. 1026 00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:24,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I'm like, I just kind of feel like 1027 00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:25,560 Speaker 3: my kids. 1028 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:26,280 Speaker 6: Are like a vessel. 1029 00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:29,120 Speaker 3: I think that if you go if you go back 1030 00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:31,440 Speaker 3: on the no contact, you have to think about, like, 1031 00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:36,240 Speaker 3: what's really changed? Why'd I go no contact before bringing 1032 00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:39,000 Speaker 3: my kids back into a situation that has hurt me? 1033 00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:42,000 Speaker 3: And since your mom seems to have some issues with you, 1034 00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:45,360 Speaker 3: it's somehow I think going through the children, and you 1035 00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:47,799 Speaker 3: don't want your kids raised in the situation that you 1036 00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:49,920 Speaker 3: have tried to heal from and get out of. I 1037 00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:52,040 Speaker 3: think that's what I found myself in, is trying to 1038 00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,719 Speaker 3: navigate I don't want a relationship with my mom, but 1039 00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:57,600 Speaker 3: then she has grandkids and I want them to But 1040 00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:01,000 Speaker 3: then my kids started picking up on well, grandma's not 1041 00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:02,719 Speaker 3: that nice to grandpa, and we don't want to be 1042 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,360 Speaker 3: around someone who's not nice to grandpa. So then on 1043 00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:09,000 Speaker 3: their own, without me, you know, influencing them, they have 1044 00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:10,120 Speaker 3: pullback on their own. 1045 00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:14,920 Speaker 6: Can I ask about like how old like that started 1046 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:15,960 Speaker 6: seeing a panic to. 1047 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:22,760 Speaker 10: Them was like hearing very emotionally sensitive an end June. 1048 00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:25,239 Speaker 10: I'm just trying to factor. 1049 00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:29,319 Speaker 3: That one of my kids is similar to that, and 1050 00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:32,200 Speaker 3: he's seven. So I feel like when he was probably 1051 00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:34,640 Speaker 3: like five, he started to pull away and she knows 1052 00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:37,160 Speaker 3: and she got really upset, like why is he not 1053 00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:39,080 Speaker 3: want to talk to me? Why is he cry whenever 1054 00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:41,680 Speaker 3: he comes over? Is because I've learned as a parent 1055 00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:44,000 Speaker 3: that he's a highly sensitive child, so he picks up 1056 00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:47,359 Speaker 3: on adults and their emotions and things like that. And 1057 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:49,279 Speaker 3: I wasn't going to force him to go over there 1058 00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:52,279 Speaker 3: and be in a situation that he didn't feel comfortable in. 1059 00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,200 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for the question, Kim. We appreciate that. 1060 00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:55,880 Speaker 5: By Kim. 1061 00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:56,800 Speaker 2: Great answers. 1062 00:47:57,040 --> 00:48:00,319 Speaker 4: So I have a question here as asking have you 1063 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:03,040 Speaker 4: dealt with a lot of people where someone is married 1064 00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:06,040 Speaker 4: to a narcissist or in this case a master manipulator 1065 00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:10,760 Speaker 4: with both I would say adult beverages and with dopamine 1066 00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:13,880 Speaker 4: addiction works successfully through a major affair. 1067 00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:14,400 Speaker 5: Wow. 1068 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:17,359 Speaker 4: Does she think the PTSC will ever go away when 1069 00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:18,719 Speaker 4: you are happy with staying. 1070 00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:19,000 Speaker 5: With the spouse? 1071 00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,520 Speaker 3: So it sounds like they're trying to heal from betrayal 1072 00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:25,880 Speaker 3: trauma while also like still being with the person. Is 1073 00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:26,480 Speaker 3: that correct? 1074 00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:28,840 Speaker 5: Yes? Yes, that's really. 1075 00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:31,000 Speaker 3: Hard to be healing from something that you're still living with. 1076 00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:33,960 Speaker 3: Is the person changing? Are they the same? Are you 1077 00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:36,680 Speaker 3: doing the work but your partner is not? I think 1078 00:48:36,719 --> 00:48:38,719 Speaker 3: while you're in it, it's going to be very hard 1079 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:41,479 Speaker 3: to heal from a situation where you're seeing this person 1080 00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:44,120 Speaker 3: engage in things that are hurting you, plus the other 1081 00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:47,440 Speaker 3: stuff with the affair that happened or is happening. I always, 1082 00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:49,040 Speaker 3: you know, when I do work with clients who are 1083 00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:53,600 Speaker 3: dealing with partners who are narcissists, you have to be 1084 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,759 Speaker 3: add that situation to still be in and trying to 1085 00:48:56,800 --> 00:49:00,600 Speaker 3: heal is very challenging because everything that you're learning your 1086 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:03,200 Speaker 3: partner is kind of still doing those things to you 1087 00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,600 Speaker 3: in the home that you're sharing, so you can't heal 1088 00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,120 Speaker 3: from it. But I think it's will be quite challenging 1089 00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:12,560 Speaker 3: to heal while you're still living or involved with that person. 1090 00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:16,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, and that person has told me he has changed 1091 00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:17,960 Speaker 4: and they have both grown. 1092 00:49:18,239 --> 00:49:20,960 Speaker 5: But yeah, I guess what does growth look like? 1093 00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:21,640 Speaker 7: Yeah? 1094 00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:22,920 Speaker 3: What are the action steps? 1095 00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:24,960 Speaker 2: I feel like even if people grow, that doesn't mean 1096 00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:27,480 Speaker 2: that you have to Like, even if someone is doing 1097 00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:29,880 Speaker 2: better now or is changed as a person, doesn't mean 1098 00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:33,319 Speaker 2: that you necessarily forgotten. Yeah, but they did when they 1099 00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:33,879 Speaker 2: were with you. 1100 00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:37,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think like healing and forgiveness has to be 1101 00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,839 Speaker 3: about you and not the other person. If you want 1102 00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:42,279 Speaker 3: to forgive them, work on forgiveness because you don't want 1103 00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:45,080 Speaker 3: to feel that like poison that you know could be 1104 00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:48,480 Speaker 3: filling you up with the hurt from it. But forgiveness 1105 00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:50,720 Speaker 3: I think has to be about you as a person. 1106 00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:53,839 Speaker 3: And if they've grown, can they grow over there? 1107 00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:56,640 Speaker 2: Do you have to be growing to be growing together together? 1108 00:49:57,600 --> 00:50:00,080 Speaker 2: Because I feel like it's like with plants. There's some 1109 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:03,000 Speaker 2: plants that can't grow together because they like kind of 1110 00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:04,920 Speaker 2: like choke the roots. 1111 00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:05,440 Speaker 3: Huh. 1112 00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:07,800 Speaker 2: So it's like, yeah, maybe you can grow super healthily. 1113 00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,400 Speaker 3: Yes, yes, I'll water you sometimes. 1114 00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:13,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, absolutely, any other any other questions? 1115 00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:18,200 Speaker 4: I think that is it awesome. That's it for today 1116 00:50:18,239 --> 00:50:21,759 Speaker 4: as well. Yeah, thank you so much for coming and 1117 00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:22,120 Speaker 4: enjoying it. 1118 00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:23,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, I hope you enjoy Yeah. 1119 00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:28,759 Speaker 4: You did the tribe please now, yeah, one one more time, 1120 00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:29,760 Speaker 4: one last time. 1121 00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:31,600 Speaker 2: And let us know where we can find you, like 1122 00:50:31,719 --> 00:50:34,560 Speaker 2: socials and anywhere we want you want us to link. 1123 00:50:35,239 --> 00:50:37,640 Speaker 3: So thank you guys for having me. I'm Denise Brady. 1124 00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,520 Speaker 3: I'm a licensed and family therapist. On all my socials, 1125 00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:43,919 Speaker 3: my channel, all of it, I'm known as the Inner 1126 00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:46,680 Speaker 3: Child Whisper, and I talk a lot about mental health 1127 00:50:46,719 --> 00:50:49,520 Speaker 3: the reality TV shows from a therapist perspective and how 1128 00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:53,239 Speaker 3: a lot of the people you see on these shows really, 1129 00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:55,799 Speaker 3: you know, they represent us different parts of ourselves. So 1130 00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:58,920 Speaker 3: on all my socials, I am the Inner Child Whisper. 1131 00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:02,000 Speaker 5: Thank you so much again, thank you, thank you so much. 1132 00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:04,440 Speaker 2: But if you love us, make sure to subscribe. 1133 00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:07,879 Speaker 3: We love you and Spita mar Yes,