1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:05,120 Speaker 1: This is Almost Good Advice with Ben Higgins and Ashley Ayakonetti. 2 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,760 Speaker 2: Hello, everyone, Welcome to the Almost as Podcast. Today's another 3 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 2: episode of the Almost Good Advice Podcast. This is our 4 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,600 Speaker 2: new spin off series where Ben and I will be 5 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 2: giving advice to all our listeners, which again we call 6 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 2: it almost good Advice because you know, we don't want 7 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,280 Speaker 2: to say that we are the greatest at advice giving, 8 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,480 Speaker 2: but we do love hearing from you guys and all 9 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,199 Speaker 2: the situations that you have out there. And because you 10 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 2: know we've gone through dating on TV, well maybe we 11 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,560 Speaker 2: can talk about that. 12 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 3: We're a little bit of an expert degree. 13 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 4: Yeah, we've dated on TV. You know, it's like a 14 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:44,880 Speaker 4: TV doctor. 15 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:49,920 Speaker 2: Okay, Well, guys, we have a couple of great questions 16 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,919 Speaker 2: that we're going to dive into today. 17 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 4: Ben, do you want to keep leading? 18 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 3: Do you want you? 19 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 4: Okay? 20 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 2: So Ben, Ben, if you guys listen to for episode one, 21 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 2: like I do think that he gives way better than 22 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,559 Speaker 2: almost Good Advice. I think, never listen to me, guys, 23 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,640 Speaker 2: always listen to Ben. He's so so good at this 24 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 2: and we're gonna let him lead these stories. 25 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 4: So bad and go for it. 26 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 1: One of the best things that have happened in my 27 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 1: life is for the last eight years we've hosted this 28 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 1: podcast together. This has been a gift that keeps on giving. 29 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: And one of the things when anybody asks me about 30 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: the podcast, I always say, Ashley and I come from 31 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: like very similar like foundations, but very two very different 32 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 1: perspectives and how we kind of see the world. And 33 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:37,840 Speaker 1: I think that's what makes this make the most sense 34 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,400 Speaker 1: and why it works and why we can do this 35 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: for as long as we have, Because you're gonna say 36 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:45,480 Speaker 1: something that somebody out there is gonna hear, and they're 37 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 1: gonna be like, that is exactly what I need to 38 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 1: hear because that's who you're speaking to. And I might 39 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 1: say something that they say, Hey, that's exactly what I 40 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: need to hear, because that's who I'm speaking to. And together, 41 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 1: just like we do in our friendship or in life, 42 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: there's gonna be some type of crossover that I think 43 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,960 Speaker 1: you can take a nugget maybe of wisdom from, because 44 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 1: together I think we kind of round the whole circle out. 45 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 2: Okay, I totally agree, Yeah, Yeah, here we go. 46 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: Joan writes in with the first question, she goes, my 47 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: husband and I have been married for two years now 48 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: and feel like it's time to have kids, but I'm 49 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: still scared I'll be giving up my life. So I 50 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:28,080 Speaker 1: guess this is kind of two questions. How do you 51 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,360 Speaker 1: know when you're ready for kids? And how do you 52 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: have kids without losing autonomy over your life and your time? 53 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,200 Speaker 1: Thank you, love you guys. 54 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,880 Speaker 2: Okay, how do you know when you're ready for kids? 55 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 2: I don't know that you're ever really ready, but like 56 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 2: I think for me, it was like trying for kids 57 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 2: and then because like honestly, just like biological clock timeline, 58 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,800 Speaker 2: being like okay, like I want to be around this 59 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 2: when I have one, and then I have one on 60 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,960 Speaker 2: this age and we have two, and you know that 61 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 2: kind of goes in line with the fact that we've 62 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 2: been married for this many years, and like I want 63 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,799 Speaker 2: to have this kind of energy. You know, it's kind 64 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 2: of logical at first, or at least it was for us, 65 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 2: because I think and I'm not there yet, but I 66 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 2: think that most people would actually feel ready ready around 67 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 2: forty And I would love to talk to a parent 68 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 2: who actually became a parent at forty. But we all 69 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 2: know that biology makes it harder to especially start having 70 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 2: kids at forty and then you're not gonna have as 71 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 2: much energy perhaps in your forties, but anyway, so like, yeah, 72 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 2: I feel like there's just this urge still in your 73 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 2: thirties that you like kind of want to be like, oh, 74 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 2: we are just young and married and we can do 75 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 2: anything we want whenever we want. We just want to 76 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 2: keep kind of living that like whimsical, romantic young life style. 77 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 2: But if you go like with what I what we 78 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 2: did just kind of like logical, and then. 79 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,279 Speaker 4: I felt like we were really ready. 80 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 2: When we were trying and I really wanted the pregnancy test. 81 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 4: To say positive. 82 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 2: Then I was like, oh, okay, this is something that 83 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 2: I actually really want right now. And then so I 84 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 2: think that's and then and then when the kid comes, 85 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 2: you'll figure it out, like you will be ready. Actually 86 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 2: I don't. 87 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,159 Speaker 4: Of course, maybe not everybody's ready. 88 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 2: I'm talking about like, you know, people who are married, settled, 89 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 2: like planning to have this child right So I'm just 90 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 2: talking in this sector right now. But when you have 91 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 2: the baby, it'll all kind of click. It's just kind 92 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,960 Speaker 2: of nature. You get in the swing of it, you're 93 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:52,119 Speaker 2: gonna be fine. And then how do you have kids 94 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:57,040 Speaker 2: without losing the autonomy of your life and your time. Well, 95 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,800 Speaker 2: I don't know if I figured that one out yet, 96 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 2: as Dawson is almost two. The first fixed to nine 97 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 2: months is definitely an adjustment period. And then you kind 98 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,680 Speaker 2: of like you kind of just like force yourself to 99 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 2: get into a routine where you're gonna like take care 100 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 2: of yourself, probably not as much as you would used to, 101 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 2: but like you're still taking care of yourself, and then 102 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 2: you'res working, and then you have enough time with your spouse, 103 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,479 Speaker 2: but probably not as much time as you would have liked, 104 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 2: not as much time as you used to have, but 105 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:42,160 Speaker 2: like probably enough, and it's just all kind of ebb 106 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 2: and flow, and it's all kind of just finding the groove. 107 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,240 Speaker 4: But you will find your groove. 108 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:48,280 Speaker 3: There's a lot. 109 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,599 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm listening to you and learning from you 110 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,599 Speaker 1: there because I could have been writing the same question 111 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 1: to you. Yeah, I am in two years in a marriage. 112 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,599 Speaker 1: I've made it very clear that I've never woken up 113 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: one day and be like, I can't wait to have kids, 114 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,039 Speaker 1: I can't wait to lose sleep, I can't wait to 115 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:07,240 Speaker 1: do all these things. 116 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 3: But I know I want to be a dad, and 117 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,159 Speaker 3: I know I want. 118 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: To share my life with a family, and I know 119 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,040 Speaker 1: Jessica is going to be an incredible mother and I 120 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,279 Speaker 1: and I so I want to do this with her. 121 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 1: But I've I have felt like you Joan where I've said, 122 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: I've never felt ready, and that's weird for me to 123 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: say at thirty four that it's never felt ready for me, 124 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: and talking to you Ashley off the show and on 125 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 1: the show some about it, and talking to other parents 126 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 1: a lot of my friends now have kids. I think 127 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 1: what you said is exactly what I've been shared. What 128 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 1: people have shared of me is they've never felt ready either, 129 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 1: and you never really will. And there's a there's a 130 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: for me, there's a piece in that because what I 131 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,719 Speaker 1: know what I can do. I know what I can 132 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 1: do is step up, like I know I can step up, 133 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: and I know I can do it, Like I know 134 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,480 Speaker 1: I can be there for my kid. I know I 135 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 1: can I can love something that I'm bringing into this world. 136 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 1: I know that if I've taken the responsibility on you know, 137 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 1: on myself, and I've agreed to it or whatever you 138 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 1: do with your spouse or with your partner or whatever, 139 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,080 Speaker 1: I know I can step up. And that's kind of 140 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 1: what reassures me. Is, I don't know if I'll ever 141 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: be ready, but it reassures me. It's it seems so 142 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 1: elementary to compare it to this, But I don't want 143 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 1: a dog, and I want a dog at all. 144 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, you didn't want a dog, but and I tell Ben, 145 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,840 Speaker 2: it's definitely not like having a dog or a puppy, 146 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 2: but it is the first step and kind of understanding. 147 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 1: But I didn't want it. And I had told Jess 148 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: that I'd made it very clear, but she really desired 149 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: to have a dog. And I said, Okay, we'll get 150 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: a dog then whatever, And we got Whalen. And I 151 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: love that dog so much, Like one of my favorite 152 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: things to do is to play with that dog and 153 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: to wrestle with him, and you know, to take care 154 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 1: of him. And there was like a space in my 155 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: heart that was opened up once he entered into our home. 156 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: And I just imagine that it's going to be similar. 157 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: And to answer the second question, what I'm learning, Joan, again, 158 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: I don't have advice here. I'm still still trying to 159 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: figure this out because I'm not a dad. Is I 160 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: don't know if you do, I think, but I think 161 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 1: the cool part of that is you find out that 162 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 1: you love your lack of autonomy. 163 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 2: Exactly what I was just gonna say, Yeah, you love 164 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:28,320 Speaker 2: this new season and Ashley and Jared you do a 165 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 2: great job like you were at the Golden Wedding. 166 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,160 Speaker 1: Yes, you maybe had to cut it a day shorter 167 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 1: than you wanted to, and maybe you know there was 168 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,199 Speaker 1: more stress on you because Dawson was at home and 169 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: you were like, you know, you're still mothering Dawson from 170 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,040 Speaker 1: a distance, and that's not as ideal. But like my parents, 171 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 1: I'm an only child. Friday nights, we were always at 172 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 1: one of their friend's houses and we were always down 173 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 1: in the basement with a babysitter that they would all 174 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 1: split and higher and they were always upstairs having fun 175 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,400 Speaker 1: and doing whatever they were doing. And then you know what, 176 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: we got home and I never and I love season 177 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 1: of my life. I never felt like I was disconnected 178 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: from my parents. I just love the fact that they 179 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,840 Speaker 1: had friends and that we had good times together. 180 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:08,959 Speaker 3: So I don't know if you give up. 181 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 1: I think it just adds a responsibility in your life 182 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 1: that you've got to accept and that you got to 183 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: know that this new season of life is gonna be different. 184 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 1: But it's gonna be as fun as exciting. It's just 185 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: gonna look a little different than it did before. 186 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 3: And that's yeah. 187 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,959 Speaker 2: And it's is gonna be like I said, like, you're 188 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 2: not gonna have as much relationship time as you want. 189 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 2: You're not gonna have as not much like self care time, 190 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 2: but it is made up in the fact that, like 191 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,960 Speaker 2: with the love of your child and being around your 192 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 2: child is so like for example, Jared doesn't really like, 193 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 2: we don't really want to go on vacation just the 194 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 2: two of us, which would probably be good, but we 195 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 2: also know that we're gonna end up looking at pictures 196 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 2: and just talking about Dawson the entire time, so we'd 197 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 2: rather just bring him and then bring a babysitter or 198 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 2: a grandparent so that we can have him there but 199 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 2: also have our together time. And one more thing before 200 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 2: I wrap this up, but like I want you to 201 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 2: also know that, like when you think that you're ready, 202 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 2: make sure that you definitely earn a place where you're 203 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 2: gonna have like the tribe, and you're gonna have help 204 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 2: because you're gonna really need it more than you think 205 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:20,680 Speaker 2: you're gonna. 206 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 4: Because in that way, you can have. 207 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:25,680 Speaker 2: More of the life that you had prior, and you 208 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 2: can prioritize your relationship and such. 209 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 3: That's a great point. Okay. A quick hitter here. 210 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: Emma writes in and says, how do you compare yourself 211 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 1: to others? Especially since you're both influencers. I feel like 212 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: I am constantly comparing my job, my apartment, my looks, 213 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 1: and literally everything else. 214 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 3: Do you think social media can be toxic? Is that rhetorical? Ps? 215 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,400 Speaker 1: Love the podcast, Thanks Emma, Thank you Ben, you go first. 216 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: Yes it can be toxic, and yes it can also 217 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:07,439 Speaker 1: be really good. It's a very weird, it's very counterintuitive. 218 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,280 Speaker 1: Social media for me has been a way to connect 219 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 1: with friends and meet new people and learn about new things. 220 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: But it also can be something that I sit at 221 00:11:14,559 --> 00:11:17,719 Speaker 1: and I go through and I just pull my hair 222 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 1: out or I get in a super like, dark and 223 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:25,160 Speaker 1: heavy place because of it. I haven't met somebody yet 224 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,079 Speaker 1: that that's on social media that does has not compared 225 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: themselves to others. Even my friends who are very absent 226 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,440 Speaker 1: from social media. As soon as they open up their 227 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,439 Speaker 1: social media and they start scrolling, I'll get a text 228 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 1: that says, how cool is this that this person's doing this? 229 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 1: And that's comparing. So I don't stop comparing myself. Here's 230 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:50,560 Speaker 1: what I do do though. Years ago, I went through 231 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,319 Speaker 1: a practice where I went through a really dark place 232 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,320 Speaker 1: because of social media and mostly because of comparing myself 233 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 1: from this bachelor world and seeing what other leads have 234 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,080 Speaker 1: done or other can testins have done, and what I 235 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: was not doing. I've talked about it openly. It was 236 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: in July of a few years ago. I had to 237 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: go back to Indiana and just like get settled in 238 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: because I felt like I was losing myself and it 239 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: wasn't healthy for Jess and it wasn't healthy for me. 240 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,719 Speaker 1: So during that time I started to talk. I had 241 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: to start telling myself who I knew myself to be, 242 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: who I was if all the labels were stripped away, 243 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 1: who I was, if I was standing there naked and 244 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: unashamed in front of somebody and been like, I'm just me? 245 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,080 Speaker 1: What did I know to be at my core? Who'd 246 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: I know myself to be to others? Or who'd I 247 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: desire to be to others? Who did I desire to 248 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: be in this world? And so I wrote this stuff down. 249 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,559 Speaker 1: I had to pray it over myself. Now you might 250 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 1: not be somebody into prayer. That's okay. I don't know 251 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: what you call it. You call it, you know, meditation. 252 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,880 Speaker 1: Whatever your way of speaking to yourself is or speaking 253 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 1: to God is mine is prayer. And I had to 254 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,880 Speaker 1: start praying over myself. I know this is who God 255 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: sees me as I know this is who I want 256 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,439 Speaker 1: to be to my wife, to my friends, to my family, 257 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 1: to strangers. And I've had to repeat those words often 258 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: and remind myself of who I am because it is 259 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:16,760 Speaker 1: a life of comparison, and there is a life of judgment. 260 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: There is a life where you constantly feel like you 261 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,439 Speaker 1: got to keep up with the joneses, and that gets exhausting. 262 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,480 Speaker 1: The other truth this is there's always going to be 263 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,240 Speaker 1: somebody doing it better than you. There is there's not 264 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:31,040 Speaker 1: one person that's not doing it better than you. And 265 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 1: there's a piece in that to me, because there's a 266 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,880 Speaker 1: truth in that to me. And so I can settle 267 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: into the fact that I still want to be. 268 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 3: Motivated. 269 00:13:40,559 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 1: I still want to be successful, whatever your terms of 270 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,679 Speaker 1: success are, but I don't have to do it in 271 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 1: comparison to somebody else. I can just do it to 272 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,080 Speaker 1: the standard that I've set for myself and for the 273 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 1: standard that I know myself to want to pursue. And 274 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,560 Speaker 1: so what I would say at all this, to summarize 275 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 1: all of it is spend some time in silence thinking 276 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 1: about who you are Emma at your core, who you 277 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 1: know yourself to be, who you know you want to 278 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,240 Speaker 1: be to others, and then just repeat those on yourself 279 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 1: often because the you is the best version of yourself, 280 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,160 Speaker 1: is the one that is not trying to keep up 281 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 1: with anybody else, but the one that is just being 282 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,120 Speaker 1: you to the best of your ability. 283 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 2: Fantastic, fantastic advice, I will say I one of my 284 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 2: strengths has always been like kind of not caring what 285 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 2: people think, not to say that I've never and haven't 286 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 2: been actually wounded by social media comparisons. I remember when 287 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 2: Colton Seasons girls were just dominating social media, and everything 288 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 2: they posted was so pretty and aesthetic, and I was like, 289 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,640 Speaker 2: I am the old lady. 290 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,440 Speaker 4: Now no one wants to see me model clothes. 291 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 2: I look, I can't fight in my place in this, 292 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 2: And then I think I just kind of was like, Okay, 293 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,640 Speaker 2: the more I realized this is all just social media base, 294 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,680 Speaker 2: but like, the more I posted that was things that 295 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 2: were just like very me. The more feedback that I 296 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 2: would get that was positive and like they didn't want 297 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,000 Speaker 2: me to be what the other girls were, the picture 298 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 2: perfect thing. So I've always found that with social media, 299 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 2: at least me being my most authentic me, that carries 300 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,880 Speaker 2: me further, and that just makes me more confident in 301 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 2: like myself and my content, and it makes me compare 302 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 2: myself less that people like the uniqueness. Now, I yeah, 303 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 2: like I don't know what it is that I was, like, 304 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 2: there's been ill like I care people think, but I 305 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 2: also like probably less than most people. Like when I 306 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,880 Speaker 2: was a teenager, I liked going to dinner with my 307 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 2: parents on the weekends. I would much prefer doing that 308 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 2: and being seen out with them then having to do 309 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 2: whatever it was with kids my age, And I was 310 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 2: never embarrassed by hanging out with my parents, So I 311 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,680 Speaker 2: just like kind of guess like I was always just 312 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 2: kind of like in the boat where I was like, 313 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 2: I just want to do whatever feels best for me. 314 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 2: That was good for me being on the Bachelor and 315 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 2: like having that. 316 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 3: Scrutiny for anybody listening. 317 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 1: Can you just imagine a world where Ashley would have 318 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: tried to compromise or fit into the mold of what 319 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,400 Speaker 1: everybody else was doing, and we wouldn't have the Ashley 320 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: that's authentic and that we love. And that's what we 321 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 1: were saying, is like one of the things that you 322 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: would write, or if I wrote your truth about yourself 323 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: is like you're authentically you, and as a result, we 324 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: learn or we know or it's hard not to love 325 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: you because we know what we're getting. We're getting somebody 326 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 1: who is authentic and who doesn't try to just fit 327 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:13,800 Speaker 1: into the normal, robotic consensus that usually comes in life. 328 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 1: And that's a beautiful thing. And I can't imagine a 329 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 1: world where Ashley would be anybody but you, and we 330 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:20,760 Speaker 1: love you for that. 331 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 4: Thank you. 332 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:23,639 Speaker 2: But I also don't want to make it sound like 333 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,719 Speaker 2: I'm conceited, like I am above caring what people think, 334 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,080 Speaker 2: because of course I do. Like I'll read in my 335 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 2: comments and you know, there's one negative comment and that's 336 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 2: the one where I'm like, Jared, can't you believe this 337 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,480 Speaker 2: person said this? And then like I go there probably, so, 338 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:41,000 Speaker 2: of course it gets to me, but maybe not to 339 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,479 Speaker 2: the extent that it does like your average person. And 340 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 2: I feel lucky for that, Thank goodness. Yeah, I don't 341 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,400 Speaker 2: know what must be like in my like seventh life 342 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:54,280 Speaker 2: and not caring or whatever that is. But also it's 343 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,040 Speaker 2: this person what was he what's her name? Emma was like, 344 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,720 Speaker 2: I'm always comparing my job, my apartment, met my looks. 345 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,119 Speaker 2: It's like, believe me, we are all doing this. Like 346 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,360 Speaker 2: I look at people's houses and I'm like, oh, that's 347 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,399 Speaker 2: so nice. I want to do that to this house. 348 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,800 Speaker 2: Or it's like the job thing. You're always like, oh, 349 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,560 Speaker 2: I'm not working hard enough, I'm not being creative enough, 350 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 2: not putting enough energy into my next thing. 351 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,359 Speaker 4: Like believe me, we're always feeling it. 352 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, one hundred percent. Yeah again, you're not alone. In 353 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,000 Speaker 1: two more questions, Carly says, I love listening to the 354 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 1: Almost Famous podcast. I've never written into a podcast before, 355 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,160 Speaker 1: but I really want to hear your thoughts in this situation. 356 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,440 Speaker 1: My best friend is in a relationship and I am 357 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: not really a fan of the guy. She's basically given 358 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: up her whole life to be with him, hangs out 359 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,400 Speaker 1: with his friends, does what he wants to do, moves 360 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,360 Speaker 1: where he wants to move, and it acts like he 361 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,360 Speaker 1: is the most amazing guy on the planet. She literally 362 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,719 Speaker 1: sees nothing wrong with him. She only hangs out with 363 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 1: me now, talks to any other doesn't talk to any 364 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:02,480 Speaker 1: of her other college friends. And if she's not hanging 365 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: out with him, she's having a chill night at home. 366 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,720 Speaker 1: How do I talk to her about it without pushing 367 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 1: her away? 368 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,160 Speaker 2: See, I'm bad at this stuff because I'd be too blunt. 369 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 2: The only person I can relate this to is my sister, 370 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:24,159 Speaker 2: who in the past has been situations like this, and 371 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 2: I have mostly never liked the guys that she's dated, 372 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 2: not referring to her fiance right now, very much like 373 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 2: her fiance, but we the whole family, has not liked 374 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,439 Speaker 2: plenty of boyfriends in the past. Some of them have 375 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 2: been like nice guys that like we like love them 376 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 2: as people, or I learned to love them as people 377 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,320 Speaker 2: for sure, but them as boyfriends have not been had 378 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,760 Speaker 2: a good effect on her and not had and not 379 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:56,639 Speaker 2: just been like great boyfriends. And I'm just so blunt 380 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 2: about it because that's like my sister, you know. So 381 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:05,680 Speaker 2: it's a little bit differ friend friend wise, I ever 382 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 2: not liked somebody's Like, Yeah, it's hard, this is hard 383 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,200 Speaker 2: because I'm thinking about like the boyfriends that my friends 384 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,879 Speaker 2: have had that like have showed me red flags, and 385 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 2: I've got to say, like, I've never really said anything 386 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 2: about it. I guess like what the best thing for 387 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 2: me is Like, when you're in the midst of a 388 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:30,719 Speaker 2: conversation with her about him, you can bring up questions 389 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,359 Speaker 2: about him then be like, oh, but what did you 390 00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 2: think about that? Or that doesn't weird you out? Or 391 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 2: like does that make you feel? Like like like why 392 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,080 Speaker 2: wouldn't you hang out with somebody when he's hanging out 393 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,959 Speaker 2: with one of his friends? You know, like kind of 394 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 2: question her in the midst of a conversation that seems natural. 395 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 4: What do you think, Ben Well, I think you're right. 396 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,200 Speaker 1: I think you have to ask questions. Yeah, but there's 397 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: a there's a level there when you start asking too 398 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,680 Speaker 1: many questions. I think people can read through what you're 399 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:01,080 Speaker 1: asking asking. Here's the thing that this does not go into. 400 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 1: Carly is not talking about what it is about this 401 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,160 Speaker 1: guy she doesn't like, So we don't really know if 402 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 1: he's is the best guy in the world and her 403 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 1: friend is just stricken with love and spending so much 404 00:21:14,119 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 1: time with him because she can't imagine her life with 405 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,720 Speaker 1: anybody else and at that it's a whole different situation. 406 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,560 Speaker 1: She's just jealous exactly, And that's what I want to say. 407 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,000 Speaker 2: Are you, Carly, are you a little just like sad 408 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,440 Speaker 2: that you don't get to hang out with your friend 409 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:27,880 Speaker 2: as much? 410 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,000 Speaker 3: And it is a natural evolution of life. 411 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 1: When your friend does meet somebody who they love, they 412 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,520 Speaker 1: are making that commitment. And when you go farther in 413 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 1: your relationship and you get married or you know, maybe 414 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,600 Speaker 1: you're engaged, or maybe there's more years. 415 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:42,920 Speaker 3: Under your belt in the relationship. 416 00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:47,280 Speaker 1: One thing I believe that is essential in any marriage 417 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:51,439 Speaker 1: is that you are going to put your partner first, 418 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,160 Speaker 1: like you are going to put them first above your friendships. 419 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,919 Speaker 1: That sounds so crazy, but you are. You're gonna put 420 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: them first most of the time, even above yourself because 421 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:01,920 Speaker 1: you hope they're doing. 422 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:02,359 Speaker 3: The same thing to you. 423 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,120 Speaker 1: So there's like some type of dance there where it's 424 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:09,399 Speaker 1: balancing itself out and it's working. And so jealousy I 425 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,640 Speaker 1: felt that with my friends. I think one way I've 426 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:16,359 Speaker 1: seen that this is helpful and maybe not threatening is 427 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,840 Speaker 1: to call up your friend Carly or a seer in 428 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:24,800 Speaker 1: person and be like, hey, I am jealous of your 429 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:29,160 Speaker 1: relationship right now, because I'm not in a relationship from 430 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: what it sounds like Carly is saying, and I miss 431 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: the amount of time we got to spend together, and 432 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,879 Speaker 1: I miss us also hanging out with our friends from 433 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,920 Speaker 1: college that we used to do all these cool things with. 434 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: And I just had to tell you this as a 435 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,760 Speaker 1: friend because I love you. And I'm not saying this 436 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,120 Speaker 1: because I don't like you. I like you so much 437 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,080 Speaker 1: that I'm jealous that you're spending so much time with 438 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:49,120 Speaker 1: this guy and I. 439 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,400 Speaker 3: Don't want that to end. 440 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 1: Like I'm not asking you to stop dating him well 441 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,880 Speaker 1: and stop spending time with him and his friends. All 442 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,080 Speaker 1: I'm asking is for more time with you as a friend, 443 00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:00,240 Speaker 1: because I need you too. 444 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, this is a good question for you to answer too, 445 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,120 Speaker 2: because like I keep putting it into my sister's point 446 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:10,199 Speaker 2: of view, because like for me, my sister is my 447 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 2: best friend, but for you, as an only child, you 448 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 2: probably leaned on your best friends and you probably needed 449 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,880 Speaker 2: them often. 450 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, and so there, this wasn't This is a conversation 451 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 1: I've had with them, Like that exact statement that I 452 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,920 Speaker 1: just said is something I brought up to them. 453 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,560 Speaker 3: Is, Hey, I've been resentful. I've gotten angry at you. 454 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,520 Speaker 1: I and mentally have made fun of you for all 455 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,440 Speaker 1: this time that you're spending with this person. And ultimately, 456 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,480 Speaker 1: what I figured out is that I just miss you 457 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 1: like I miss I need you in my life and 458 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: I need you as a friend and I love you 459 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: so much and I'm not willing just to like sit 460 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: on the sidelines and wait for you to be available 461 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,240 Speaker 1: to me, but I need that from you, like I 462 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,399 Speaker 1: need you to pursue me in this friendship too, And 463 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,199 Speaker 1: can we find a balance, Like, can we find a 464 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,720 Speaker 1: dance here that works for you and works for him 465 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,360 Speaker 1: and that we can build a friendship through that? Very 466 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 1: good and usually I mean that's a very like it's 467 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: not very threatening. And you're also like again sandwiching it 468 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,880 Speaker 1: with this like I love you, Like I'm not telling 469 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: you this because I don't like you. I'm telling you 470 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,240 Speaker 1: this because I miss you like I want you in 471 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:12,640 Speaker 1: my life. 472 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:13,120 Speaker 2: Yeah. 473 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,680 Speaker 4: Yeah, well that's if it's the case. 474 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,360 Speaker 2: And Carly, if it's not the case and the guy 475 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 2: kind of sucks, then again, just kind of question her 476 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 2: through natural conversation. 477 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 1: Yeah he sucks if he sucks, totally different scenario, but 478 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:25,920 Speaker 1: we don't know that about him. 479 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:36,680 Speaker 3: Yet, Lindsay. 480 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,639 Speaker 1: Final question of the day. I love you both and 481 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,479 Speaker 1: have been listening to your show for years. Thanks, Lindsay. 482 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,400 Speaker 1: I'm so excited about this new segment. I guess what 483 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:49,119 Speaker 1: I need advice with is dating my husband. I know 484 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,720 Speaker 1: it's so important to have date nights and one time 485 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,760 Speaker 1: that's not with our baby or sitting in front of 486 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,920 Speaker 1: the TV. But I am so just tired all the time. 487 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,000 Speaker 1: It sounds silly, but I am pregnant and have a toddler, 488 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,399 Speaker 1: and it's just so hard at the end of the 489 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,720 Speaker 1: day to get myself to do anything. I am such 490 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: a morning person and my husband is very much a 491 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,919 Speaker 1: night out so we both have our most energy at 492 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: different times of the day. Any advice on how to 493 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: overcome this, thanks in advance. 494 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:22,800 Speaker 2: Well, Lindsay, I'm thinking afternoon dates that way you meet 495 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 2: in the middle, But I also am being realistic here. 496 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:31,119 Speaker 2: You're pregnant and have a toddler. It's it might be 497 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 2: one of those times in your life where you're just like, 498 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:40,199 Speaker 2: you know what, during this span of months, our marriage 499 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:45,160 Speaker 2: may not be the hottest, but once you once we're 500 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,639 Speaker 2: over this chapter, which is inevitable. It will come, it 501 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 2: will come again, because marriage is, as I always tell you, 502 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 2: it's like always in motion, right, It's always changing. You 503 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:02,560 Speaker 2: have to keep it healthy throughout. But like, if this 504 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:08,760 Speaker 2: isn't going to be your sexy era, it's probably okay 505 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 2: as long as we can rebound from this. I'm just 506 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:17,720 Speaker 2: trying to be realistic. 507 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,360 Speaker 4: Like, obviously. 508 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,159 Speaker 2: Getting out for an afternoon date will be great, and 509 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 2: you should do it. You should pepper it into this time. 510 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 2: But as long as your husband is understanding of where 511 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 2: you are, and I hope he is, he should just 512 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:39,320 Speaker 2: understand that it's sort of just the depths of the 513 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,320 Speaker 2: difficulty when it comes to creating a family. 514 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,119 Speaker 4: Then what do you think? What do you think? 515 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,040 Speaker 1: Well, I think dates are very important, but I don't 516 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:51,959 Speaker 1: when I see date here, I don't think of like 517 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,600 Speaker 1: the date that we would typically think of. 518 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,679 Speaker 4: Ashley, Yeah, what do you think? 519 00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,840 Speaker 3: I think you're tired, Lindsey. 520 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,760 Speaker 2: I think your way you are in your pregnancy, but 521 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,800 Speaker 2: obviously you're very tired. 522 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,680 Speaker 1: I think what you're asking here above anything else is intimacy, 523 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,719 Speaker 1: Like how do I find intimacy with my husband in 524 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: this season of life? It doesn't have to be physical 525 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:20,359 Speaker 1: and couples find intimacy in very different ways. Some, you know, 526 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,919 Speaker 1: go off with the love languages. Some just need some attentions, 527 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:27,080 Speaker 1: some just need the space. I would encourage you in 528 00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:30,159 Speaker 1: any marriage. I think you know me two years in. 529 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,720 Speaker 1: Not an expert, but I do think Jessic, can I 530 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:38,440 Speaker 1: become closer when we do spend time intentionally just together 531 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,600 Speaker 1: doing whatever that is. We bought a game for Christmas. 532 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,720 Speaker 1: It's called the Date Night Game, and it's a bunch 533 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,640 Speaker 1: of cards. It's probably one hundred cards with questions on it, 534 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,719 Speaker 1: and they raise us from like wild questions about like 535 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,320 Speaker 1: your sexual preferences, too easy questions like would you rather 536 00:27:55,440 --> 00:28:00,320 Speaker 1: be an astronaut or a farmer? And we play game 537 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,080 Speaker 1: at night at dinner now when we sit and we 538 00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: ask each other like four questions each just to keep 539 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 1: in tune. We also have changed the way we communicate. 540 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,480 Speaker 1: We used to ask each other how is your day? 541 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,639 Speaker 1: And that always kind of felt weird because if it 542 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 1: was a bad day, you're having to rebring up things 543 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:18,320 Speaker 1: that you maybe don't. 544 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 3: Want to talk about. 545 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: And so we started to ask the question in stag 546 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:23,720 Speaker 1: can you give me your highlight and low light from 547 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,040 Speaker 1: the day? And so every day we do a highlight 548 00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:26,440 Speaker 1: and a low light, and then if there's anything in 549 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,080 Speaker 1: between that we've missed that you want to talk about, 550 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,520 Speaker 1: we can. But we I always know her highlight of 551 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,119 Speaker 1: the day, she always knows mine, And I know her 552 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,879 Speaker 1: low light of the day, and she always knows mine. 553 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 1: And that can be crazy things like I stub my 554 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:39,320 Speaker 1: toe on a piece of furniture and it hurt like hell, 555 00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:41,680 Speaker 1: and that was my low light because it still hurts, 556 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:44,720 Speaker 1: or it could be really it can be really like 557 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,880 Speaker 1: heavy stuff, right. But ultimately, what we're saying here is, lindsay, 558 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,120 Speaker 1: you have to find a way in this season of life, 559 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: with it looking the way it looks and with you 560 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,320 Speaker 1: feeling the way it feels, is for you too to 561 00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: experience some type of intimacy. And when I think of intimacy, 562 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,120 Speaker 1: I just think of the two of you coming together 563 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: in some way. 564 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:08,880 Speaker 3: It could be physical. It also could be with communication. 565 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaker 1: It could be the fact that maybe your husband, uh 566 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,160 Speaker 1: loves backrubs. 567 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 3: Talking about myself here. 568 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,840 Speaker 2: I know, but I was also thinking, I was like, 569 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 2: backrubs are a good thing, just like lying on each 570 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,080 Speaker 2: other and like being like here's. 571 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:24,120 Speaker 4: My arm, tickle my arm. 572 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:28,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, maybe what you need to ask of him, lindsay, 573 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 1: is to just rub your back, because what it does 574 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,400 Speaker 1: is it makes you know that he's willing to like 575 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,760 Speaker 1: do something for you that it feels really good for 576 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:39,080 Speaker 1: you and probably doesn't feel like great for him. Or 577 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:40,960 Speaker 1: maybe if you do the dude vice versa, maybe you 578 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: just need to lean over and rub his back or 579 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 1: scratch his back. There's these just small things to keep 580 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,840 Speaker 1: you guys connected, and when it gets harder, when there 581 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,880 Speaker 1: becomes more chaos in your life, I do believe that 582 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:56,960 Speaker 1: the small little acts of love can keep you too close. 583 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,560 Speaker 1: And then as you entern into the next season of life, 584 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 1: which will two kids runner around like, you will still 585 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 1: be able to keep those practices in place that you 586 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: don't have to necessarily change the way you're behaving because 587 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 1: you know that even the small little acts keep you 588 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:15,560 Speaker 1: get too connected. And I think that's really important right now. 589 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,680 Speaker 1: So instead of dates, let's not think about dates, let's 590 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:19,080 Speaker 1: not think about a seven. 591 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 2: Too big right now? Okay, very very very nice, ben, 592 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,280 Speaker 2: very good advice from somebody who doesn't have children. But 593 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 2: maybe this question should have been answered by somebody who 594 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:30,040 Speaker 2: doesn't have children, because I'm making it like too real 595 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,200 Speaker 2: and you're able to like make it seem simple. 596 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 1: Well, and I don't Yeah, I don't know if it's 597 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,240 Speaker 1: it's that like, Hey, I'm gonna lay my life down 598 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:40,200 Speaker 1: at the feet of your life, and you hopefully do 599 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:41,560 Speaker 1: the same to me, and we're going to figure out 600 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,560 Speaker 1: this dance that we're both caring for each other well, 601 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,160 Speaker 1: and we know we both have each other's backs even 602 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:48,280 Speaker 1: in the midst of this chaos. 603 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 3: So do some small stuff first. 604 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 1: Then maybe every once in a while you'll get the 605 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:53,600 Speaker 1: energy to go out to Burger King at seven o'clock 606 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: at night and go through that. I don't know, but 607 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 1: right now, Jessica and I do a lot of date nights. 608 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:00,240 Speaker 1: We love date nights. We have the energy for. We 609 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 1: don't have kids, We don't have anything stopping us from 610 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:06,480 Speaker 1: going on beautiful dates. That will stop at some point. 611 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:08,960 Speaker 1: But what it does, we'll have to figure out something else. 612 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,120 Speaker 1: We will and I hope you do too it Lindsey, Uh, Okay, 613 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,120 Speaker 1: second episode of almost Good Advice is in the books. 614 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,400 Speaker 1: Keep writing us in we want to keep talking to you. 615 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,080 Speaker 1: If you hate our advice, I would love to hear 616 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,920 Speaker 1: that too. If you think we're so wrong, You're angry, 617 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,840 Speaker 1: You're sitting at home like, how can these two people 618 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,600 Speaker 1: think they they got it right? 619 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:28,480 Speaker 3: Well, truth is, we did it. 620 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: We're trying our best uh uh, and we're learning as 621 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: we go, just like everybody else. 622 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 2: If you need some advice from us you think that 623 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,320 Speaker 2: it would do you good or almost good, you can 624 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:46,760 Speaker 2: dm us on our Instagram page Almost Famous Podcast, or 625 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 2: you can also email us at Ben and Ashley at 626 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:55,000 Speaker 2: iHeartRadio dot com with that I've Been Ben, I've Been Ashley. 627 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:55,680 Speaker 4: See you guys. 628 00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,080 Speaker 2: Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast on 629 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,320 Speaker 2: iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts