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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm welcome to stuff.

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Speaker 1: I never told your production by Heart radio. You know, occasionally, Samantha,

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Speaker 1: I feel like a robot and sometimes I feel like

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Speaker 1: I sound very robotic during that intro. But I did

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Speaker 1: just have to do it twice and it kind of

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Speaker 1: tripped me up a bit because I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: stuck in the same moment over and over again. To

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Speaker 1: be fair, that was my fault because I was unprofessionally

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Speaker 1: drinking on the mic, and I was like, this is

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Speaker 1: not people already complain. Why am I doing this? Let's

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Speaker 1: do that again, So my bad on that one. It's

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Speaker 1: all good because it's time for another happy Hour and

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Speaker 1: as I always, drink responsibly if you choose to do so.

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Speaker 1: We are kind of doing a huge, very long recording

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Speaker 1: session today, so it's a bit of a cheat. Still

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Speaker 1: sipping on very long yes, well this is a last

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Speaker 1: thing for today. Yes, uh so we're still sipping on

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Speaker 1: what we had for the happy hour. You that came

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Speaker 1: out too happy hours ago a wile ago, thanks the

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Speaker 1: thankful one. So I'm still sipping on my gin and

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Speaker 1: tonic and do you on your wine? Still still open

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Speaker 1: on the Vino Verde that I still love. Yes, so

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Speaker 1: we are now in again. I don't know when you're

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Speaker 1: listening to this, but I'm assuming it's And as part

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Speaker 1: of this episode, it actually kind of relates to I

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Speaker 1: Believe a Monday Minnie that's coming out soon about kind

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Speaker 1: of feeling doubt and insecure in your job and in

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Speaker 1: your performance, which we're going to be discussing. That's the

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Speaker 1: whole thing. I have been thinking about, this idea being

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Speaker 1: too much and feeling like I'm too much a lot lately.

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Speaker 1: And this whole thing is precipitated by a holiday party

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Speaker 1: that Samantha and I went to. But before I get

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Speaker 1: into that, it also, of course, I have a fan

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Speaker 1: fiction story about this because I I found a fan

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Speaker 1: fiction and there are a lot of fan fiction about

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Speaker 1: a sexual people and a sexual people being in relationships

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Speaker 1: with non asexual people. Most of the ones I have

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Speaker 1: read are told from the point of view of the

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Speaker 1: a sexual person, which makes sense, but I just read

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Speaker 1: one from the other side of this point of view,

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Speaker 1: and it was really moving and it was really well written,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, because I've just never had

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Speaker 1: this conversation with somebody in a relationship before, and the

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Speaker 1: person who wasn't a sexual kind of had this breakdown

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Speaker 1: and kept saying, like, I feel like I'm too much,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm too much, I asked for too much, I

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Speaker 1: need too much, and they were tears. Ship there were tears.

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Speaker 1: But I just got to thinking about that because I

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Speaker 1: know I've discussed before, and we've discussed before, a lot

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Speaker 1: of times I do feel like I'm too much, or

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Speaker 1: I asked for too much, or like I have to

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Speaker 1: hide pieces of myself that because if you knew that,

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Speaker 1: if you knew that about me, or if I asked

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Speaker 1: for something, then you're not worth to ask, like the

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Speaker 1: people will be, you'll scare them away to be because

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Speaker 1: she is not worth how much effort she is asking

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Speaker 1: of me, which is often ridiculous because a lot of

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Speaker 1: times it's really small things, like it's hard for me

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Speaker 1: because I am a very passionate person. But in the

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Speaker 1: back of my head, I'm like, why do people put

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Speaker 1: up with me? Like why did I why don't they

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Speaker 1: let me talk about all this stuff? And I try

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Speaker 1: to hide it. It's so funny. My mom has started

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Speaker 1: watching Star Wars on Sundays. It is really cute, but

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Speaker 1: it took me forever to even tell her. And I

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Speaker 1: love my mom and we're really open with each other,

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Speaker 1: but took me forever to even tell her. I did

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Speaker 1: that because I thought it would be too much, and

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Speaker 1: then she was going to feel like she had to

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Speaker 1: do it if I was home on Sundays, and then

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Speaker 1: I was going to be embarrassed and thinking she hate

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Speaker 1: followed this and she wants to she wants it to

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Speaker 1: be over, and just getting really in my head about

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Speaker 1: things like that. Um, and then you know, you scale

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Speaker 1: that up in a relationship and you're thinking you have

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Speaker 1: to minimize yourself, you have to be small or else

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Speaker 1: this person is going to leave. And I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of women relate to that. But yes, recently we

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Speaker 1: had this party. Is the first time Samantha and I

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Speaker 1: have been in an event. It was outdoors and it

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Speaker 1: wasn't that many people, but it was more people than

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Speaker 1: I'm definitely interacted with in a while. And I think

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Speaker 1: because my a lot of my persona has been built

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Speaker 1: on like she's always doing something, she's always busy. You know,

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Speaker 1: people give you that question like what are you doing? What?

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Speaker 1: How are you and it's just silence because you're like, uh,

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Speaker 1: staying in Star Wars or whatever. But that's the thing,

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Speaker 1: is like you're doing something. You found such a passion

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Speaker 1: for this, and you've always had it, but you've been

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Speaker 1: able to dig into it legitimately, like all the way

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Speaker 1: into it. That's where I'm like, I watch any watch

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Speaker 1: Star Wars Like that isn't my response because we just

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Speaker 1: had a moment and it's hilarious because both of us

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Speaker 1: apparently are on the same truck emotionally, and yes, we

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Speaker 1: were definitely triggered by this party, which is hilarious because

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Speaker 1: from my standpoint, and I've already kind of said this,

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Speaker 1: you were on point and everybody was loving you as

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Speaker 1: where I was disappearing and people were running away from me.

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Speaker 1: So it was kind of like we just had a

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Speaker 1: weird opposite interaction. And of course it could be in

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Speaker 1: my head because I'm always in my head, and in

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Speaker 1: my head, I'm the worst person ever, you know, coming

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Speaker 1: back to being too much, and that is absolutely like

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Speaker 1: I'm in the way. That has been a haunt tagline

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Speaker 1: for me since pretty much like young young toddler hood self.

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Speaker 1: So I have a whole thing with this with you,

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Speaker 1: as like you and I have talked about this many times,

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Speaker 1: because I'm like, I'm non existent and people don't even

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Speaker 1: realize I'm here. When I show up. It's more of

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Speaker 1: an awkward hey, hey, what you do and oh, okay, bah,

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Speaker 1: And I'm the one who's asking how are you? And

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I shouldn't be asking you that,

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Speaker 1: because this is a really horrible time frame for a

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Speaker 1: lot of people, and that's not a question that you

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Speaker 1: want to ask someone. But on top of that, myself,

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Speaker 1: in general, I'm a very intense person like that. There's

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Speaker 1: no good getting around it. I really wish I wasn't

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Speaker 1: sometimes because when I'm asking you how you are, I'm

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Speaker 1: legitimately asking you, and then when you start talking to me,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to ask more questions. And I've been told

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Speaker 1: many of times Smith that's not really appropriate. They just,

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Speaker 1: you know, people want to just be and make the

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Speaker 1: like a superficial questions and move on in life. And

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Speaker 1: I realized, Okay, that's too much. My intensity is too much, okay,

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Speaker 1: And I've really had to try to scale back to

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Speaker 1: the point that I've had to say it out loud

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Speaker 1: to people like, I'm so sorry if this is getting

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Speaker 1: too deep. I promise I'll stop. It's just I'm incapable

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Speaker 1: of not following through or having follow up if I

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Speaker 1: hear something, And that's all to do with my own past,

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Speaker 1: my own traumas, my own training, my own empathy, Like

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Speaker 1: that's just that's just hack. I can't and if I

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Speaker 1: see a signal, it's hard for me not to see it.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, there's so much in in in all

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Speaker 1: of this, because if you have long time listeners, might

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Speaker 1: remember back when I did my we did our therapy

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Speaker 1: sessions and we did episodes where we shared those with you,

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Speaker 1: and I was talking about how I always feel like

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Speaker 1: it's this performance and it's so fake, and that people

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Speaker 1: are going to see that it's fake, and that if

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Speaker 1: they get any hint of, like any glimpse of the

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Speaker 1: real me or whatever is really going on, and they're

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Speaker 1: not gonna want to deal with me anymore. I had

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Speaker 1: a friend tell me, you create problems by not trying

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Speaker 1: to create problems, because I'm trying so hard to not

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Speaker 1: annoying people because I think I'm annoying presence, I won't

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Speaker 1: text you, or I won't because I think you'll be

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Speaker 1: annoyed um with my silly thoughts on whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes it's not even necessarily thought of, something small

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Speaker 1: and I still won't do it. And I was even

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Speaker 1: like that with my parents or I was like there

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Speaker 1: one day, they're just gonna be like nope. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: sometimes what happens, I feel like for me is I'll

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Speaker 1: go to these parties and I'm having fun and there's

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Speaker 1: alcohol involved, and my inhibitions will go down and I'm

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Speaker 1: being more open than I would normally be. And that's

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Speaker 1: not not even about like private stuff. But I was

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Speaker 1: trying to convince this guy about why the Last of

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Speaker 1: Us two is the best of us the best game ever. Um,

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Speaker 1: so things like that that are not like that me

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Speaker 1: and Tyler and later like they're fun conversations and I

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Speaker 1: like them. There's something I probably wouldn't do unless I

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Speaker 1: really know you very well. And so at the end

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Speaker 1: of the night, I've had all these conversations to people

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Speaker 1: and it had been fun, and I've been really like

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Speaker 1: outgoing and loud and probably more than I normally am

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Speaker 1: because normally I'm pretty like preserved with people I don't

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Speaker 1: know very well. And I got home and I just

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Speaker 1: like totally broke down and just solved for ten minutes,

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Speaker 1: like real sobs, and there was a lot of stuff

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Speaker 1: going on, but one of the things like I shrunken

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Speaker 1: and my friends have seen me do this. If I

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Speaker 1: get really upset, like I will literally make myself small.

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Speaker 1: I will get in a ball and I will It

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Speaker 1: looks really painful, it's like a pretzel thing, and I'll

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Speaker 1: just like stay there because it's like I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be seen. I don't want to be heard because

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Speaker 1: now everyone's seen me in heard me, and they're going

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Speaker 1: to realize like, oh, she's a terrible person, or oh

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Speaker 1: I don't want her around, or she's not worth having around,

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Speaker 1: she's too much, And it's I don't know. It's one

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Speaker 1: of those really frustrating, like insecurities to shake, and I

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Speaker 1: know it is mine, and I like know it. There's

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Speaker 1: like a thought I can think and it's if I

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Speaker 1: told it to you wouldn't think it's that bad. But

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Speaker 1: it is enough to just wreck me. And a lot

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Speaker 1: of times when I talk to people about fan fiction,

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Speaker 1: and then they're always like, she reads the saddest stuff.

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Speaker 1: I do read sad stuff. But really a lot of

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Speaker 1: it is just about not feeling like you're worth it like,

191
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Speaker 1: it's not super tragic, it's just oh that's not right. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: no again, I'm with you and like again. And the

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Speaker 1: thing that the statement that has ever haunted me and

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Speaker 1: makes me tear up, and you can hear to my

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Speaker 1: voice when I say that I'm in the way or um,

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Speaker 1: the whole rejection. But being in the way is my

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Speaker 1: biggest game fear, which is an absurd fear because it

198
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Speaker 1: doesn't sound right in any aspects of like being in

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Speaker 1: the way, What do you mean? Do you mean physically?

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Speaker 1: Do you mean all these things? I'm like, I know

201
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Speaker 1: all of it, being literally cast out of a house

202
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Speaker 1: to another person, to another person, to another person, to

203
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Speaker 1: an orphanage where some of my big traumas happened. I

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Speaker 1: physically react to the thought of being in the way

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Speaker 1: and that I have to prove myself and don't even

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Speaker 1: know what that truly means to truly understand. The same

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Speaker 1: thing is like I'm being too much, I'm being too loud,

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Speaker 1: I'm being too obnoxious, I'm being too needy. Those are

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Speaker 1: three of the biggest things that I fear, and I

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Speaker 1: worked so hard to pred on the persona of being

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Speaker 1: independent that anything else doesn't feel natural, and feel like

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Speaker 1: it feels like a violation of who I am, which

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Speaker 1: is not necessarily true. And again so many questions. So

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Speaker 1: being vulnerable in any any way going to an event,

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Speaker 1: which feels like, especially with jobs in an event, and

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Speaker 1: I'm one of the older ones as a podcasting host,

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Speaker 1: like at this up and trending new type of culture

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Speaker 1: and subset, I feel out of place. I'm not white,

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Speaker 1: i am not a man, i am forty years old,

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Speaker 1: I am adopted, and I have barely gotten through life

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Speaker 1: in so many ways, and so being in this aspects

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Speaker 1: and again like many of y'all are journalists and writers

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Speaker 1: and actors, and I'm like, hey, I lived in l J,

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Speaker 1: Georgia when the University of Georgia social work. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: all of those insecurities is so huge, and you're right,

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Speaker 1: like feeling like I'm always in the way and therefore

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Speaker 1: I am a nuisance and literally a diversity token. That's

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Speaker 1: been a huge thing in my head anyway. But add

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Speaker 1: that to the fact that I have been told that

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Speaker 1: I haven't been wanted and that they're all of these

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Speaker 1: things literally being cast aside, passed around trying to find

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Speaker 1: someone to solve this problem called me, um, hey, that's

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Speaker 1: my men more. But yeah, I definitely get that, and

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Speaker 1: I'm sure. So I haven't gotten to the point where

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Speaker 1: I can say I'm sure it's all in my head.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I don't know if that's true, but I

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Speaker 1: will say, like, it's interesting to see you having those

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Speaker 1: same thoughts who I think you're You're literally, to me,

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Speaker 1: the center of attention, not because you're trying to put

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Speaker 1: yourself there, but because people adore you. To that point,

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Speaker 1: we've been I've been gushing over you all day, so

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna keep going with it. But essentially with

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Speaker 1: what I saw at the party, as I was trying

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Speaker 1: to in a way, M well, that's one of the thing.

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Speaker 1: It's like, I always find it so interesting with with

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Speaker 1: you and a lot of my friends who are women.

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Speaker 1: I'll hear you say something like this, and but I

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Speaker 1: think you're so amazing and I think you're so great,

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Speaker 1: and I don't see that. But I'm also doing it

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Speaker 1: like I think it's just such a common the way

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Speaker 1: we see each other and the way we see ourselves.

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Speaker 1: And that's kind of why I wanted to bring it up,

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Speaker 1: because after we talked about this. I was like, this

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Speaker 1: is so interesting to me that we're kind of we're

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Speaker 1: just we're struggling with the same thing. It's just viewing

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Speaker 1: it and interpreting it differently. And like I guess, like

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Speaker 1: I said, we we are very different in how we

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Speaker 1: deal with stress, so we're kind of outwardly appearing very different,

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Speaker 1: but inwardly, yeah, very similar. Like we may react differently,

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Speaker 1: but it's for the same reasons. That's it's fascinating. Of course,

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Speaker 1: you know people are different peop we are unique, and

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Speaker 1: we know this. But that's the thing is like this

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Speaker 1: whole idea of the impostor syndrome, I don't think that

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Speaker 1: that word is strong enough for this. This is not

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Speaker 1: impostor syndrome. This is a trauma that we suffered again

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Speaker 1: going through our own experiences, but also being women in

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Speaker 1: a society that has been taught to shrink, and that

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Speaker 1: we should know our place in society, which is to

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Speaker 1: be behind in the shadows in the corner, doing all

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Speaker 1: the labor, but quietly and stuffing through it quietly. And

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Speaker 1: I think it does say that. It just showed that

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Speaker 1: a lot. And then when we start being recognized or

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Speaker 1: being seen or wanting to be seen or wanting to

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Speaker 1: be recognized. It feels like blasphemy, how dare you? But

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Speaker 1: within our own souls because once again, this is the

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Speaker 1: opposite of being what we were taught as women in

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Speaker 1: the society. That's a bigger conversation though it is, But

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Speaker 1: that's definitely one of the reasons I wanted to talk

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Speaker 1: about this because I do think like being too much,

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Speaker 1: we like we can't even express our needs are wants

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Speaker 1: because that's too much, but they could be basic things.

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Speaker 1: We've just been so conditioned to do this and so

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Speaker 1: conditioned through our experiences and through society, through um, yeah,

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Speaker 1: being women. Of if I am too much in whatever

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Speaker 1: way I think that is, if I'm too loud or

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Speaker 1: talk to you about my Star Wars love too much,

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Speaker 1: you're just going to write me off because that's that's

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Speaker 1: You're not worth the effort. So I think there's a

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Speaker 1: lot we could unpack with this, and I'm sure we

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Speaker 1: probably will. And and sheres too, and I hope you

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Speaker 1: can tell us what you are going through and how

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Speaker 1: you are doing, because I have a feeling we're not

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Speaker 1: alone in this new concept of trying to socialize. Again.

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Speaker 1: Some parties set us move love. It's so true though,

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Speaker 1: it's so true. Yes, we would love, love love to

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Speaker 1: hear from you. You can email as a Stuffia mom

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Speaker 1: Stuff That I Hurt Media dot com. You can find

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Speaker 1: us on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You, are

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Speaker 1: on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to

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Speaker 1: our super producer Christina, which we did get to seeing

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Speaker 1: hug and it was the delight. Christina, You're amazing. Yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told

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Speaker 1: You protection I Heart Radio from more podcast on my

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Speaker 1: Heart Radio visit I Heard You app Apple Podcast or

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