Speaker 1: Your real talk. Sometimes I'll just be nervous for the
Speaker 1: sake of being nervous, but you mask it very well
Speaker 1: because I can never tell when you're nervous. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: that ass, and me some about my anxiety be kicking
Speaker 1: in at the worst times. Well, I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: in the constant state of anxiety, so I don't even
Speaker 1: know what the worst on is. That's true, dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured, and we're the Ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos without boys and
Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therby. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and
Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennial
Speaker 1: married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say
Speaker 1: every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and
Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. Were about to take phillows off
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna take y'all back to nineteen ninety nine.
Speaker 1: Two thousand, Yo, yo, you out disrespectful son, one of
Speaker 1: those people too, don't worry about it. Two thousand. I'm
Speaker 1: getting ready to start my first JV basketball game, right okay,
Speaker 1: And we're in the weight room because it's the home game.
Speaker 1: We're in the waiting room. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting,
Speaker 1: and out of nowhere, I start to feel like a
Speaker 1: little like lightheaded and tired, like I just felt extremely tired,
Speaker 1: and I was like, let me sit down for him,
Speaker 1: and I thought it maybe I don't drinking enough water
Speaker 1: and stuff. So I sit down and I lay down
Speaker 1: on the bench and I actually go to sleep before
Speaker 1: the game, just go to sleep, and then they wait me, yo, yo,
Speaker 1: wake up, wake up? So I wake up. And immediately
Speaker 1: when I wake up, I feel like okay, but disoriented,
Speaker 1: like you know, someone wakes you up out of a sleep.
Speaker 1: But how did I go to sleep that hard and
Speaker 1: that fast? So wake up? Get disoriented? We run outside
Speaker 1: for introductions for the basketball game. Throughout the whole thing,
Speaker 1: it was like almost like foggy, and I could not
Speaker 1: get focused, like I was just like I was like,
Speaker 1: what's happened? It was happening. I couldn't I get focused
Speaker 1: and we start the game, and the first couple of
Speaker 1: trips down the court, I remember trying to tell myself, like, yo,
Speaker 1: get get with it, like what is happening? Like You've
Speaker 1: done this so many times? Why what is this feeling?
Speaker 1: Are you sick? And I thought I was sick. I
Speaker 1: thought I'm coming down with the flu. I thought, you know,
Speaker 1: I thought something was happening to my body. And it
Speaker 1: wasn't until I got the basketball and I went through
Speaker 1: on motion and I had made a basket, and when
Speaker 1: the basket went in, the fogginess disappeared and it went
Speaker 1: from being like, yeah, let's go and I could hear clearly,
Speaker 1: and then I relaxed. And it wasn't until the seventh
Speaker 1: game of the year, we played Fort Hamilton. I remember
Speaker 1: saying to myself. I was like, man, I think I
Speaker 1: have performance anxiety, and my coach said, I think you
Speaker 1: do too. Anxiety comes from being anxious. So it's only
Speaker 1: right that we sing a song that talks about you. Ready.
Speaker 1: M mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm body rope, mm hmmm mm hmmm mmmmm. Nine
Speaker 1: o'clock Home alone, paiging you when shit you come over
Speaker 1: my place, after world after wild, let me know, let
Speaker 1: me know. We can't just keep talking about the least.
Speaker 1: So now I understand why Genuine had that vein. Is
Speaker 1: name how you singing the high of a register, the
Speaker 1: bulging vein? So anxious man talking was prom you remember
Speaker 1: what song was playing? When you wait? You know what.
Speaker 1: Let's pay a quick bill. I'm gonna come back out
Speaker 1: of this break and let y'all know about the time
Speaker 1: develop post some dramatic movie shit on campus. All right.
Speaker 1: I will let y'all know about that when we get back.
Speaker 1: All right, So we're back. So the double down the
Speaker 1: story time has nothing to do with anxiety, but real
Speaker 1: quick because of the song choice anxiety at this moment.
Speaker 1: But sure we both had anxiety at this moment. So
Speaker 1: this is back to October two thousand and two, and
Speaker 1: I'm on campus at half share with Val. At this point,
Speaker 1: I hadn't transferred yet, but I had put my transfer
Speaker 1: papers in UM and Devot I had been talking for
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks, and I realized that Devot was
Speaker 1: simultaneously talking to you. Didn't realize I told you, right, Well,
Speaker 1: this is me comeing to the realization that after Devot
Speaker 1: told me that he was talking to none of us
Speaker 1: said that when he said that he had somebody back
Speaker 1: in high school, that he was kind of still talking too.
Speaker 1: They were kind of trying to figure out, you know,
Speaker 1: where their relationship was. I was like, oh, okay, so
Speaker 1: kind of talking to somebody. I'm not about to be
Speaker 1: playing number two to you. So no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you're talking about dramatics. No no, no, no, no stop.
Speaker 1: If you can talk about dramatics, start about the drama.
Speaker 1: The drama started in the room. We was in the room.
Speaker 1: She's on top of me, and we're making out right,
Speaker 1: and we're making out and I don't know, we're doing
Speaker 1: the magout session. I feel water falling down my face
Speaker 1: and then I'm like it was tears. I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: why that's I was trying to get to that. This
Speaker 1: is this is what you call building a story. What
Speaker 1: it was? No, and sometimes and it's good to tell
Speaker 1: stories in a dramatic way. Since you talked about being dramatic,
Speaker 1: well you took over my whole story. No no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm just doing this part. You could take it back over.
Speaker 1: I felt water falling down my face and then I
Speaker 1: look up and Codein's crying and I'm just like, hey, hey, hey, what,
Speaker 1: like what's what's going on here? Like are you okay?
Speaker 1: Are you comfortable? Do you feel safe? She's just like, yeah, anybody,
Speaker 1: I can't do this anymore and can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, you can't do what? Like we
Speaker 1: weren't even doing that yet, like we just just making out.
Speaker 1: She's like, I'm sorry, I have to go out, like
Speaker 1: I don't want to be anyone second. And I was
Speaker 1: just like, but I told you I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be nobody's boyfriend. I'm trying to figure out and she's like,
Speaker 1: I know, I just can't be no one's second, and
Speaker 1: then she gets up, gets all of her stuff and
Speaker 1: walks out of the room. I walked out the room
Speaker 1: because I was like, what am I doing here? Like
Speaker 1: I don't really want a boyfriend, but I'm really liking
Speaker 1: this guy way too much. You know, he doesn't really
Speaker 1: want a girlfriend. He kind of just talking to somebody still,
Speaker 1: Like I was just like, you know what, forget this
Speaker 1: before I get any deeper into this situation. I'm a dip,
Speaker 1: So I get in my little green Toyota rav four
Speaker 1: at the time, and packed up on myself. I was
Speaker 1: leaving campus. Didn't you gonna leave? She walked out the door,
Speaker 1: and I used to live on the second floor. I
Speaker 1: stayed in my room and I looked out the window
Speaker 1: and I watched her go out the door, and I
Speaker 1: watched her go through the courtyard, and I was like,
Speaker 1: and I just put on my flip flaps and I ran.
Speaker 1: I went through the courtyard and I went through the gate.
Speaker 1: I couldn't get back in, say you know, I was going.
Speaker 1: So I got in my car and I was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, forget this, Like I'm gonna just go
Speaker 1: move on with my life. This is not really anything
Speaker 1: I planned for anyway. So I'm driving now at this
Speaker 1: point towards the exit at the campus, and we reached
Speaker 1: this four way stop sign, so it's the biggest intersection
Speaker 1: by the entrance of and I see de vous car
Speaker 1: come out of nowhere, and he pretty much comes from
Speaker 1: around me and then cuts me off. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: where cars our cars like a tea now like a
Speaker 1: capital tea, Like mine is the base and his is
Speaker 1: the top of the tea. So he blocks me in turn,
Speaker 1: blocking four way traffic, and then he comes over to me,
Speaker 1: swings my car door open and it pulls me out
Speaker 1: the car and he's just like, don't leave please, don't
Speaker 1: leave me, don't leave me. And what's playing in the
Speaker 1: background is genuine song Stingy. So that's how we link
Speaker 1: the fucking me just yet something hide it. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I remember that was like, but you're being so stingy
Speaker 1: at this because you want to have me and her
Speaker 1: and everything, but you don't want to girl, I don't
Speaker 1: understand himself. Is not the only one, but the only
Speaker 1: song that was such a moment. That was a moment
Speaker 1: when they do the movie about our life, Well, we
Speaker 1: have a movie about it because we have the book now,
Speaker 1: so the next thing is the movie. Deal all right,
Speaker 1: come on now, we're gonna write this whole script out.
Speaker 1: And that has to be one of the most dramatic
Speaker 1: moments in the movie. All it was missing was rain.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, if there was rain, I cut a
Speaker 1: Dean off and and is she was just like crying
Speaker 1: still and I hugged it and we started kissing. In
Speaker 1: and over here is blocking man traffic, sunired intersection. Nobody
Speaker 1: want to see all that ship man, go to your room.
Speaker 1: People was cursing this out, but this is that moment
Speaker 1: you don't hear anything around I literally don't know what's
Speaker 1: going on around me. But all I know is then
Speaker 1: I got back in the car, pulled over, and then
Speaker 1: we probably made out for like another hour after made
Speaker 1: like another hour. Good times, good times. The memory to eighteen,
Speaker 1: I know, I know eighteen and then live y'all that
Speaker 1: she gave me anxiety too, though, Yeah, not gonna lie,
Speaker 1: not gonna lie. So we're talking anxiety today. What does
Speaker 1: that look like for you? What is it? How do
Speaker 1: we cope? Um? I feel like the term anxiety is
Speaker 1: thrown around a lot too, but there's so many different
Speaker 1: ways that it can manifest itself in people. So the
Speaker 1: first thing was I'm gonna talk story time. Yeah, Um,
Speaker 1: I was in tenth grade playing JV basketball, and I
Speaker 1: was at the time, I was I was the best
Speaker 1: basketball player on the team, Like it wasn't even close
Speaker 1: who was the best basketball player. So I felt like
Speaker 1: there was a lot of pressure on me to perform.
Speaker 1: And before this I had never been on like a team.
Speaker 1: I was never in a real team environment where everything
Speaker 1: was on me. So I remember getting ready to play
Speaker 1: that first game and feeling like, if I don't score
Speaker 1: this many points, if I have turnovers, if I do this,
Speaker 1: we're gonna lose and everybody's gonna be watching me. If
Speaker 1: I make mistage, I'm going to be the laughing stock,
Speaker 1: and then I'm gonna lose my spot, and then my
Speaker 1: parents won't love me, and then I'm gonna be mad.
Speaker 1: Like my mind just started racing of all the things
Speaker 1: that could possibly go wrong, and it was like I
Speaker 1: had to slow my mind down in order to become
Speaker 1: at ease with playing. And then it used to happen
Speaker 1: before every game, and I remember Coach Valasquez used to
Speaker 1: be like, you are right, because I'd be sweating, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I would have to lay down
Speaker 1: and like kind of close my eyes and I would
Speaker 1: take a nap, like right before the game, and she'd
Speaker 1: be like, yo, wake up, like let's go. And I
Speaker 1: played well. I always my first seven games, I averaged
Speaker 1: over like fifteen points. I was blocking shots, I was fast,
Speaker 1: and I was doing all the things. She's like, You're
Speaker 1: playing well, Like what's the matter. But it was always
Speaker 1: the fear of failure that used to just like make
Speaker 1: me so nervous, and I started to develop a system.
Speaker 1: And I played football for the first time the year later,
Speaker 1: and I had the same thing all of those football games.
Speaker 1: Going through all of college. I had to say all
Speaker 1: of college, I had performance anxiety before every game. I
Speaker 1: never forget Stephen Bone used to go to the bathroom,
Speaker 1: shout out to my boy Steve and he would throw up.
Speaker 1: He would throw up. I would sit in my locker
Speaker 1: and I would go sleep. I don't know everybody manifests
Speaker 1: itself so differently, because for me, I could never think
Speaker 1: about sleeping. Usually it's my stomach. I'm usually on the
Speaker 1: toilet like got bubble guts before any moments like that happened. No,
Speaker 1: I realized talking to my teammates that everyone in the
Speaker 1: locker room had their form of anxiety, and it would
Speaker 1: it would come, especially being a Division one athlete, so
Speaker 1: much as writing on your success and you're used to
Speaker 1: being the most successful person, Like less than one percent
Speaker 1: of athletes become Division one athletes, So when you're in
Speaker 1: the locker room, you're in the locker room with one
Speaker 1: percent of the population, and all of those people have
Speaker 1: that weight and pressure on top of that, there's a
Speaker 1: weight pressure from coaches would be like we gotta win,
Speaker 1: we gotta do some in order to be successful. And
Speaker 1: I used to watch everybody go through their routine before
Speaker 1: the game. Everybody in the locker room had a routine
Speaker 1: and it was exactly the same. For example, Willie Cologne
Speaker 1: would pay a thousand times. He was always going into
Speaker 1: the bathroom. Like I said, Stephen Bone would just go
Speaker 1: in to bathroom and throw up. So Reef would listen
Speaker 1: to music, Terry would get quiet and not talk to nobody.
Speaker 1: I would be in my locker and I was sleeping
Speaker 1: until they said this time for specialists to go outside.
Speaker 1: Like everybody had their thing. And I can never tell
Speaker 1: just watching you play with such confidence, like thinking about
Speaker 1: even college days. Every time you hit the field, it
Speaker 1: was like a show. And I was just like, man,
Speaker 1: I could never tell that you had that anxiety happening. Well,
Speaker 1: I can tell you how I learned to get through
Speaker 1: the anxiety. And well do you want to you want
Speaker 1: to go through some of these statues. Yeah, yeah, let's
Speaker 1: unpack what what anxiety looks like, because like I said,
Speaker 1: it can manifest itself in different ways for different people
Speaker 1: and in several related diagnosis so um diagnosic that's shout
Speaker 1: out to kyro La because I was like, oh my god. Diagnosis.
Speaker 1: They include OCD, SO obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, phobias,
Speaker 1: it can be panic disorder, and generalize anxiety disorder. And
Speaker 1: common symptoms include physical anxieties such as like a racing heart,
Speaker 1: you have a higher pulse, tension in the chest, butterflies
Speaker 1: in the stombach that's me, feeling anxious or afraid, feeling
Speaker 1: irritable or on edge, Engaging in compulsions such as washing
Speaker 1: hands to ease anxiety, Avoiding people or places that remind
Speaker 1: someone of trauma, experiencing ab troops of nightmares, memories or flashbacks,
Speaker 1: having trouble concentrating because of distracting anxiety, having fears or phobias,
Speaker 1: developing anxiety and tension related ailments such as tension, headaches,
Speaker 1: or chronic muscle pain. An estimated thirty one point one
Speaker 1: percent of US adults experience any anxiety disorder at some
Speaker 1: point in their life. Women are more likely to experience mild, moderate,
Speaker 1: or severe symptoms of anxiety than men, and research shows
Speaker 1: Trusted Source tells us that anxiety may present differently in
Speaker 1: Black Americans, who are more likely to develop PTSD post
Speaker 1: traumatic stress disorder than white Americans. Yes, ye, so that
Speaker 1: you have it lots of different ways that it could
Speaker 1: show itself. This is the crazy part. I've noticed that.
Speaker 1: And anxiety starts young, right. I noticed that Jackson. Yes,
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, he shares. He shares both of us, right,
Speaker 1: because we both have performance anxiety. Yes, the absolute worst
Speaker 1: thing for me as a kid. And I want to
Speaker 1: tell you, and I know how it was directly being
Speaker 1: to confidence too. I feel like anxiety and confidence going
Speaker 1: hand in hand about it. My um I was taking
Speaker 1: piano lessons, hated to play the piano, hated it, but
Speaker 1: started it because I asked that my mom was a
Speaker 1: believer and you started it. That's the discipline component. And
Speaker 1: I was like this thing that not as easy as
Speaker 1: it looked, you know, But I stuck through it. And
Speaker 1: I really loved my music teacher at the time, so
Speaker 1: it was an incentive for me to want to just
Speaker 1: at least spend time with him and hang out and stuff.
Speaker 1: And anytime somebody would come by the house or at
Speaker 1: my elementary school, Bethlehem Academy, shout out to BBA. They'd
Speaker 1: have a recital or they'd have a chapel service and
Speaker 1: it'd be like entertainment by and my mom was always like,
Speaker 1: couldint can play the piano? And I'm just like no,
Speaker 1: I get like, why are you volunteering me? And they
Speaker 1: also knew. My teachers and our headmasters at the time
Speaker 1: knew that I played the piano, so they thought that
Speaker 1: every time you know, something was happening, it was. And
Speaker 1: I hated that because every single time I had to
Speaker 1: play the piano in front of everyone, I got so
Speaker 1: nervous and crazy anxieties, at the point where one time
Speaker 1: I remember performing and I could not even get through
Speaker 1: the song, Like I literally was just drawing a blank,
Speaker 1: couldn't blame anything. My mom had to come out of
Speaker 1: the audience and sit next to me to help me
Speaker 1: get through work. Yeah, to help me get through. This
Speaker 1: happened when I was me be in the second grade.
Speaker 1: Oh you was eight, second or third grade. I think
Speaker 1: by the third grade that's baby, you a baby still yeah,
Speaker 1: but I just still I mean I took piano lessons
Speaker 1: up until I was about eleven or twelve, and I
Speaker 1: just I it just never stuck with me, and I
Speaker 1: think it's because this wasn't confident with it, so that
Speaker 1: lack of confidence in playing the piano gave me more
Speaker 1: anxiety to perform. This is what I think. Because I
Speaker 1: noticed this with Jackson, I believe it could be a myth,
Speaker 1: but I know anxiety. Anxiety sometimes comes from internal factors,
Speaker 1: but I do think some of it can be nurture,
Speaker 1: right Like, for example, Jackson became extremely nervous about basketball
Speaker 1: the more I screamed at him about basketball. I realized
Speaker 1: the turn in Jackson when I took the pressure off
Speaker 1: of him to perform and just go out and have fun.
Speaker 1: I no longer get the same approach to the game
Speaker 1: as he used to. For example, last year, this time
Speaker 1: Jackson told me, and this is just me growing as
Speaker 1: a parent and no one when you fucked up, Jackson
Speaker 1: came to me and said he wanted to play basketball.
Speaker 1: Jackson came to me and said he wanted to be
Speaker 1: in the NBA. So I'm thinking I'm doing my son
Speaker 1: a disservice if I don't put him in an environment
Speaker 1: where he can be successful at that sport. Playing in
Speaker 1: the NFL, they used to have a model called make
Speaker 1: practice harder than the games, right. What they say is
Speaker 1: you put athletes in a strustful environment in practice so
Speaker 1: that the games can become fun. So I was putting
Speaker 1: Jackson on purpose in strustful environments when we practice and
Speaker 1: worked on things, because I wanted the games to be fun.
Speaker 1: So I was putting all this pressure and stuff on
Speaker 1: him in practice on purpose so that he will be
Speaker 1: prepared when the anxiety comes during the game. And it
Speaker 1: backfired like a mother because all of that pressure and
Speaker 1: anxiety I put on him in practice, he carried that
Speaker 1: into the game and his thought process was and he
Speaker 1: literally said to me before before every game, he would
Speaker 1: come in the room, Daddy, I don't feel good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, what's the matter, And He's like, my
Speaker 1: back hurts, I got a headache, my throat in the
Speaker 1: car and I feel like I knew he was trying
Speaker 1: to avoid the idea of thought of having to play,
Speaker 1: so he would fall asleep in the car. But he
Speaker 1: would always come up with an ailment, and I'll be
Speaker 1: trying to figure out what's the ailment? What's the ailment?
Speaker 1: That I realized, like, bro, you're nervous. He'd like yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and to the point where he'd be crying yea, or
Speaker 1: he'd be crying and I'm just like, dude, what are
Speaker 1: you so nervous for, Like you plumped to play the game,
Speaker 1: like he's about to be fun, and he would try
Speaker 1: to hide that from me, like yeah, I know, I
Speaker 1: know it'd be fun, it'd be fun. But I'd see
Speaker 1: him getting nervous and nervous and nervous and something be happening,
Speaker 1: and then I'd be like, dude, what's the matter. And
Speaker 1: he told me he's just like I just I'm afraid
Speaker 1: that if I lose that, you're not like, you're gonna
Speaker 1: hate me. And I was like, wow, I'm the reason
Speaker 1: why you have anxiety, bro, And I had to realize like,
Speaker 1: here I am trying to avoid you from getting anxiety,
Speaker 1: and I'm creating all of the anxiousness because of my
Speaker 1: you know, my my anxiety. Like I wanted my son,
Speaker 1: I want my son to be great, because he said
Speaker 1: he wants to be great. I'm also not realizing that
Speaker 1: at the time that he was ten, you know, and
Speaker 1: the pressures you put on an adult professional athlete you
Speaker 1: can't put on a ten year old. And I was
Speaker 1: thinking that if I put it on him from ten,
Speaker 1: he'll be able to learn how to deal with it
Speaker 1: by the time he becomes a high school student. And
Speaker 1: I was like, Yo, D this level, this whole hit.
Speaker 1: I had to say my whole name to say, Yo
Speaker 1: D de v out calmed down, All right, your son
Speaker 1: is out here, look like he's about to die because
Speaker 1: he's playing a game that you're taking all of the
Speaker 1: fun out of right, And I just start to tell him, like, YO,
Speaker 1: have fun. I don't care if you win and lose.
Speaker 1: I don't care how many points you have. I don't
Speaker 1: care how many turnovers last. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But I had to teach myself that, right. And I
Speaker 1: watched Jackson over the last four months run to get
Speaker 1: his gym back. Now Dad wants to Jim, like the
Speaker 1: cookie go to Jim Dak you do this and the
Speaker 1: anxiety is going now anxiety for practice. Do you think
Speaker 1: you can teach someone how to get through anxiety, because,
Speaker 1: for example, I personally, whenever I have anxious moments, right,
Speaker 1: sometimes it really just requires like an internal talking too,
Speaker 1: yes to get you out of that place. Yes. And
Speaker 1: I remember being younger and feeling like man, I just
Speaker 1: literally cannot get control of my anxiousness. So this is
Speaker 1: this nerve. So you think it's something that you can
Speaker 1: teach someone how to kind of get through because with performance,
Speaker 1: for example, how do you think so being a former
Speaker 1: athlete per se, right, and now I'm a former like
Speaker 1: pageant competitor, right, So you're about to hit the stage
Speaker 1: and it's like, I just can't mess up, babe? Is
Speaker 1: this simple? Right? And the truth is it is extremely
Speaker 1: simple when you think about it, but it's difficult to do.
Speaker 1: You only become a master at something through repetition, right,
Speaker 1: And it takes a thousand movements to become muscle memory,
Speaker 1: which means you have to do the very thing you're
Speaker 1: afraid to do over and over and over again for
Speaker 1: a long period of time to become a master to
Speaker 1: the point where it becomes muscle memory. The way I
Speaker 1: was able to get through my performance anxiety was and
Speaker 1: it started with basketball and it continued through football. Every
Speaker 1: time I started to do something new, it was a
Speaker 1: challenge to master it. So the easiest thing today is
Speaker 1: to say, keep doing it over and over again till
Speaker 1: you master it. The difficult is to have the consistency
Speaker 1: to do it. And become a master. But that's how
Speaker 1: you do it. You know how I got through my
Speaker 1: anxiety with basketball. I took layups over and over again.
Speaker 1: I did free throws over and over again. I shot
Speaker 1: shots in the same spot over and over again, and
Speaker 1: dribbled that basketball over and over again, to the point
Speaker 1: where when my anxiety came up, I knew in my
Speaker 1: heart that I'm a master at what this is about
Speaker 1: to do, and I could close my eyes and be
Speaker 1: successful at it. That eased my body because I wasn't
Speaker 1: worried about how I was going to perform. I knew
Speaker 1: that I had mastered what it is I wanted to do,
Speaker 1: and that's how it helped me through sports. Right with football,
Speaker 1: I used to have anxiety about catching punts. I didn't
Speaker 1: catch punts in college, but I told him in the
Speaker 1: NFL I could, so after practice, I used to catch
Speaker 1: fifty punts after every single practice, when everybody else used
Speaker 1: to go inside, I would spend another forty five minutes
Speaker 1: after practice, two hours sometimes catching punts over and over again,
Speaker 1: so that once the game comes, I didn't have to
Speaker 1: be nervous of whether or not I'm going to drop
Speaker 1: because the fear of The unknown is what draws anxiety
Speaker 1: out right. You start thinking what happens if, what happens if?
Speaker 1: When you know in your mind that there is no
Speaker 1: what happens if, Because I know what I'm going to do,
Speaker 1: the anxiety goes away. And that's what I've ingrained in
Speaker 1: Jackson Jain Why I got to do two hundred shots today.
Speaker 1: You gotta make two hundred shots of games that when
Speaker 1: the game comes around, you're not concerned about whether or
Speaker 1: not the SHOT's gonna go in. You're concerned about how
Speaker 1: I'm going to get to that spot so I can
Speaker 1: make the shot go in. Then it becomes fun. It's
Speaker 1: no longer what if this happens? Maybe if? No. I
Speaker 1: know what I gotta do because I've mastered it, and
Speaker 1: I also preached to him. I've learned is your mastery
Speaker 1: doesn't guarantee a victory because other people are also mastering
Speaker 1: their craft as well. Yet, so you're not worried about
Speaker 1: the victory. You're worried about mastering your craft and doing
Speaker 1: it the best of your ability. And what you realize
Speaker 1: that if I didn't win the game, I have to
Speaker 1: work even harder than next time. So it's a process
Speaker 1: that never stops. You never get to a point of
Speaker 1: mastery where I'm a master. Now I don't have to
Speaker 1: work no more. You have to maintain mastery by continuing
Speaker 1: to work. And that's how I've learned to rid my anxiety.
Speaker 1: That's why I read so much. That's why I love
Speaker 1: doing auditions because now the anxiety for some people comes
Speaker 1: with an audition. Right, They're going, I got an audition too,
Speaker 1: What am supposed to do? Well? Have you read that
Speaker 1: script over and over and over and over and over again,
Speaker 1: and then one more time to make sure you have
Speaker 1: the words, and then another time to make sure you
Speaker 1: understand it. And people are like, Dann, you read the
Speaker 1: scripts that many times? Yes, I read the scripts in
Speaker 1: the sides over and over again up until I walk
Speaker 1: into that door, so that when the anxiety hits, I
Speaker 1: can find relaxed moment where it's like I know what
Speaker 1: I gotta do, and I walk in it and the
Speaker 1: mastery just comes out. You know what I have not
Speaker 1: been able to master when it comes to anxiety was
Speaker 1: that being a mom. Being a mom, wow, and having children,
Speaker 1: Because you know we're talking about performance anxiety. I live
Speaker 1: in a constant state of anxiety. Are you worried about
Speaker 1: messing your kids up? Or you worry your kids everything.
Speaker 1: It's a constant state of anxiety. I feel like I
Speaker 1: have my actual heart walking around outside times five if
Speaker 1: there's you and there's my boys. And as a mom,
Speaker 1: I don't think I'll ever not exists in some space
Speaker 1: of anxiety or worry. And that's exhausting. But yeah, and
Speaker 1: that's just like a different form of anxiety because I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm never going to fully be in control
Speaker 1: of life. I'm never gonna fully be in control of
Speaker 1: their life, the people around them, the scenarios they're going
Speaker 1: to be in as they grow. And it is an
Speaker 1: exhausting space to be in as a parent, as a
Speaker 1: wife because I don't know if I can always protect
Speaker 1: my children. You can't. There's no don't know. You do know.
Speaker 1: I know. I know that I can't always protect my children.
Speaker 1: I know that I can't always protect or be there
Speaker 1: for my husband like and that I think for me
Speaker 1: was like the turning point in my life where I realized,
Speaker 1: like you know, when you just say why, you always
Speaker 1: think the worst. Sometimes it's like as a mom, you
Speaker 1: just think of the worst case scenarios It's like when
Speaker 1: you see a child walking and you're just like, shoot,
Speaker 1: he's about to fall. I know he's about to fall,
Speaker 1: and you know you go to grab them because if
Speaker 1: that instant kicks in. I am living in a constant
Speaker 1: state of anxiety and worry, and I don't know how
Speaker 1: to keep it under control. Sometimes. Well, it's funny you
Speaker 1: say that, because I never thought of it like that,
Speaker 1: But I do kind of apply the same method even
Speaker 1: to my kids. Take the Coda for example, right, I
Speaker 1: notice you and your mom are very high strung when
Speaker 1: it comes to the Koda, him falling, him having an accident.
Speaker 1: I remember everybody was like, we just need to buy gates.
Speaker 1: The house is so big, he could walk around everywhere
Speaker 1: and fall. Right. Rather than fearing that he may fall
Speaker 1: and then putting up all of these barricades to stop
Speaker 1: him from going places, I am of the mindset that
Speaker 1: let me walk him through these places and have him
Speaker 1: practice doing the things that I'm afraid of him failing
Speaker 1: at and getting hurt, so that he masters it. Like
Speaker 1: going up and down the stairs. Yo, Coda can go
Speaker 1: up and down the stairs. You want to know why,
Speaker 1: because Dad sat there with him and let him you know,
Speaker 1: go down the stairs backwards and if he were going
Speaker 1: to stumble, to keep my hand there just in case.
Speaker 1: And I let him do that a couple of times
Speaker 1: up and down until it became like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I can do this on my own, and he starts
Speaker 1: to move up and down. So he developed And now
Speaker 1: the anxiety for me being concerned if my son is
Speaker 1: going to fall down twenty seven steps, that's how many
Speaker 1: steps it is from upstairs to down. I'm afraid that
Speaker 1: he's gonna fall down those steps. No, I've watched him
Speaker 1: in practice with him go over it so many times
Speaker 1: that I know he can do it, and that doesn't
Speaker 1: guarantee that he's never gonna fall. But what I'm not
Speaker 1: concerned is that my son is going to go to
Speaker 1: a place that he's never seen before and not know
Speaker 1: what to do. And I think as a parent, that's
Speaker 1: what I always try to do as a parent to
Speaker 1: four boys. Right, you have to go to school this road.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to just say, well, you gotta go
Speaker 1: down that road. You and I gonna drive this road
Speaker 1: so you can see what it looks like. We're gonna
Speaker 1: walk this road to see what it's like when you're
Speaker 1: walking right, I'm gonna wait until it's raining one day
Speaker 1: and you can I'm gonna walk with you while it's
Speaker 1: raining so you can see. And I'm going to trust
Speaker 1: that after we've done this together a number of times
Speaker 1: that you got it, and at that point the anxiety
Speaker 1: is gone because we've done this together. I feel that
Speaker 1: with you, you go places sometimes by yourself, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: Kadeini has never done this without me. I get worried,
Speaker 1: but I've learned to respect that if we've worked on
Speaker 1: the foundation together, you'll be fine. But there's also too Okay,
Speaker 1: so they've mastered how to walk that path, but then
Speaker 1: so me is thinking, okay, they can walk the path
Speaker 1: on their own. Now I'm worried about the people who
Speaker 1: are around them, the people who may see them, the
Speaker 1: people who may be driving by, you know, the people
Speaker 1: who might be snatching up people. Like it's just like
Speaker 1: a compounded layer. Every time I feel like, Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: confident with this, because my mom used to say it
Speaker 1: all the time. I'm not worried about you. I'm worried
Speaker 1: about the crazy people out there, you know. And it's
Speaker 1: it's just really an exhausting space to be in and
Speaker 1: it takes a lot to really say to yourself, you
Speaker 1: can't be there all the time, you can't protect the
Speaker 1: way you want to all the time. But but my
Speaker 1: thing is, why not be proactive with those thoughts. For example,
Speaker 1: I get concerned about you know, the highest rate the
Speaker 1: child that has kidnapped the most in Atlanta, it's black boys.
Speaker 1: That is a fact. You look it up. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to sit back and hope no one kidnaps my son.
Speaker 1: I'm going to teach my children tactics to avoid these things,
Speaker 1: and we're going to work on it all the time.
Speaker 1: And there's a reason why I feel like people like, man,
Speaker 1: my dad just be talking all the time. Everything's a
Speaker 1: lifeless everything. You know, everything isn't this everything? I just
Speaker 1: like because there's so many different variables in life. If
Speaker 1: I see a chance to teach you about something, it
Speaker 1: rids me of my anxiety that you may not know
Speaker 1: and have to figure out on your own. So I'm
Speaker 1: always in a constant state of teaching so that I
Speaker 1: can feel comfortable when my children walk out in the
Speaker 1: world that we've gone over this. And if I notice
Speaker 1: something or if I see something that would give me anxiety.
Speaker 1: I don't sit back and go I hope my sons
Speaker 1: don't go. No, it's like, yo, I'm worried about this, Jackson.
Speaker 1: Have you ever considered that this or have you ever
Speaker 1: worried about this? And he'll be like, I didn't think
Speaker 1: about that. And I said, exactly, I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 1: What would you do if this were to happen? What
Speaker 1: would you what would be your plan? And he'll be like,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. I said, well, let's come up with
Speaker 1: a plan together. I feel like that may be the
Speaker 1: difference between and I don't want to say moms and
Speaker 1: dads because I don't think you can put a gender
Speaker 1: on how people handle situations. But I do notice that
Speaker 1: your mom is a warrior and you're a worrior. My
Speaker 1: mother was a worrior. But my parents, my father, my uncle's,
Speaker 1: my granddad were all proactive and being like, this may happen.
Speaker 1: Let's discuss this. You know, like one of my kids,
Speaker 1: he's well, not one of my kids, but one of
Speaker 1: the kids I mentor a ton of my mentor seventy
Speaker 1: five percent of them, or from single moms. Mom buys
Speaker 1: him a car, right buys him a car, gives him
Speaker 1: the car. Did you have any discussions with him about
Speaker 1: this car? No, I'm just so worried about things. So
Speaker 1: you just gave him a car. You didn't talk to
Speaker 1: him about how to deal with police. You didn't talk
Speaker 1: to him what happens if if the car is like
Speaker 1: all the variables. You didn't. You just gave him the car,
Speaker 1: and you're worried about it. That's why you have anxiety.
Speaker 1: When my father gave me the car, my father sat
Speaker 1: down with me for about eighteen hours, discussed every possibility
Speaker 1: that could happen in this car, and by the end
Speaker 1: of it almost didn't want to call no more because
Speaker 1: I was like, Bro, all that shit could happened, But
Speaker 1: now I'm prepared. He walked through every from from the
Speaker 1: motor to the transmission to the car, everything the wheels.
Speaker 1: How do you know how to change the tire? You
Speaker 1: know how to get to the tire, you know what
Speaker 1: the flat do? You know how? This didn't? And I'm
Speaker 1: just like, bro, let me figure it out. But now
Speaker 1: I understand why that was his way of dealing with anxiety.
Speaker 1: And I feel like men have a different way of
Speaker 1: dealing with anxiety, mainly because it's always been put on
Speaker 1: us through social conditioning. That is your responsibility to make
Speaker 1: sure make sure everything's okay. That that's what we're trained
Speaker 1: to do, you know. And I feel like that's what's
Speaker 1: helped me in life. And things are changing now because
Speaker 1: as women have been in the workforce, there are a
Speaker 1: lot more men who are preparing their daughters. It seem
Speaker 1: like if I had a daughter, I'm not preparing my
Speaker 1: daughter like the old school. Wait, remember when we were right,
Speaker 1: it was just like, well, figure it out because we did,
Speaker 1: which is crazy, Like you watch people who have children
Speaker 1: and it's like you have sons, and you prepare your
Speaker 1: sons for all of these things, and then when it's
Speaker 1: your daughter, just like you just don't. You just coddle
Speaker 1: them and keep them away from everything. And I was
Speaker 1: talking to my grandfather about that and my aunts and uncles,
Speaker 1: and it was just like, yeah, they didn't have certain
Speaker 1: conversations with us as young women that they had with
Speaker 1: our brothers. And then it made me realize why so
Speaker 1: many women, for example, have anxiety. It's like you were
Speaker 1: not even prepared. It was always like someone's going to
Speaker 1: take care of you. The world's changing now, ye, women
Speaker 1: don't want to be taking care of yeasts, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I think my anxiety kicks up the most now too.
Speaker 1: Aside from the kids and just life and worrying about
Speaker 1: them as a mom, it's just also too knowing that
Speaker 1: shit has to get done and living in this space
Speaker 1: of people wanting instant gratification, right, like you have to
Speaker 1: do something now. Everything could be very overwhelming, right absolutely,
Speaker 1: you know, you and I have realized that we've developed
Speaker 1: anxiety just even with our phones. Yes, Like I sometimes
Speaker 1: seem like I hear my phone go off and I
Speaker 1: literally my stomach starts to churn, you know, or I
Speaker 1: get an alert and I'm just like, oh my God,
Speaker 1: like no, right with demor what does we nicknamed or
Speaker 1: demor what is it now that we have? Which is
Speaker 1: a total blessing because it's always usually great stuff happening.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, it does not take away
Speaker 1: from the fact that it's just like, man, I have
Speaker 1: anxiety with just the fact that people need access to
Speaker 1: me now, and they want access when they want it,
Speaker 1: and God forbids you don't give them that access in
Speaker 1: that moment. It's just like, well, what happened to Cadeen?
Speaker 1: You know? I take a day or two off of
Speaker 1: social media people and messaging like is everything okay? And
Speaker 1: it's that we've conditioned people into that yes, because it's
Speaker 1: crazy to me because it's now. It's like I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm in the space of now. I'm I have
Speaker 1: to uncondition y'all because if I want my space and
Speaker 1: I want my peace, I want it in that moment
Speaker 1: and it needs to be normalized that that's okay because
Speaker 1: I may be dealing with the high level anxiety on
Speaker 1: my end with everything else that I going on. But
Speaker 1: that's why phones have notifications. You can silence, that's exactly.
Speaker 1: You can put those things aside and say I don't
Speaker 1: need to be checked on. I just need space and time.
Speaker 1: But I do appreciate people checking in because that means
Speaker 1: they're invested and not only what we can provide them
Speaker 1: with entertainment, but also they're invested in our health and
Speaker 1: well being, which I appreciate the shout out to y'all
Speaker 1: for checking in on it for sure, for sure, But
Speaker 1: sometimes it's like, man, I just need it. I just
Speaker 1: need a moment. I just need a moment. There's a
Speaker 1: lot of things that's struggling, so I want to look
Speaker 1: at some of these myths, you know, because there's a
Speaker 1: good job of finding stuff for us to dissect and
Speaker 1: see what we think. Because you know, it's great to
Speaker 1: hear people's opinions about things, right, but everybody has an opinion.
Speaker 1: Let's see what's actually fact and what's real and what's not.
Speaker 1: So let's look at some of these myths. Number one,
Speaker 1: anxiety is a choice or a personal problem. Many Black
Speaker 1: people believe that with the right attitude or prayer they
Speaker 1: can get rid of mental health. Mental health issues. Mental
Speaker 1: health conditions are serious health problems that a person cannot
Speaker 1: think or pray away. Let's talk about this, and this
Speaker 1: is important for us to talk about it as people
Speaker 1: who have faith, who've been raised through faith. Right, it
Speaker 1: is important for people to know being anxious it's very
Speaker 1: different than having anxiety. Right, Anxiety is a disorder, yes,
Speaker 1: that is people are medicated. Yes, anxiety disorder. And people
Speaker 1: need to understand the difference because what happens, especially in
Speaker 1: the Black community, is now you anxious, man, let go
Speaker 1: and let God. You know what I'm saying, Okay, if
Speaker 1: I'm anxious, I can let go and let God. If
Speaker 1: I have anxiety, you know, that's that's something that's in
Speaker 1: me that needs to be addressed, and you can't pray
Speaker 1: or hope that a way. And I think people need
Speaker 1: to understand the difference. The myth in the black community
Speaker 1: is that if you pray and you meditate, God will
Speaker 1: control all. But what they don't understand is anxiety a
Speaker 1: lot like depression, is a disorder that may be a
Speaker 1: chemical imbalance that you may have to go see a
Speaker 1: doctor too. Yes, you may have to go see a
Speaker 1: doctor to speak about and get addressed. Right. One thing
Speaker 1: Black people also hate is to hear about medication because,
Speaker 1: and it's important to understand the history, young Black men
Speaker 1: and women are medicated at a higher rate than any
Speaker 1: other demographic in the country. And they started this as
Speaker 1: part of the look into the prison, the school, the
Speaker 1: prison pipeline. Right, it was at first as a child,
Speaker 1: they diagnosed you with a disorder, right, you ADHD or
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah. They give you medication. After
Speaker 1: the medication, if it doesn't work, then you oftentimes get
Speaker 1: in trouble detention. They said. Detention often leads to the
Speaker 1: detention center, which means that if you get young black
Speaker 1: people to be in trouble from earlier. You always have
Speaker 1: a record of how their behavior is mismanaged, and it's
Speaker 1: easier to get them to prison from school. And because
Speaker 1: of that whole dynamic and that whole system that has
Speaker 1: been created, black people are afraid one of doctors and
Speaker 1: two especially medication. And then think about the levels of
Speaker 1: stress that we've had to deal with over years, like compounded,
Speaker 1: because when you look at anxiety as being a chemical imbalanced,
Speaker 1: they say it can be caused by severe or long
Speaker 1: lasting stress that literally changes the chemical balance that controls
Speaker 1: your mood. Absolutely, so that experiencing of stress over long
Speaker 1: periods of time is a direct correlation between anxiety disorder.
Speaker 1: And what people need to understand is why, why why
Speaker 1: does have to be raced all the time? Right? There's
Speaker 1: a reason why there have been systems in place since
Speaker 1: we were brought over here in sixteen nineteen and some
Speaker 1: of us before that that have not allowed us to
Speaker 1: flourish or even exist as regular human beings. Right, not
Speaker 1: to bore you with the Black history because I know
Speaker 1: it's Black History Month, but when you think about the
Speaker 1: enslavement of our people, then the Vagrancy Act, then Jim
Speaker 1: Crow Laws, segregation, then mass incarceration, the things that we've
Speaker 1: had to deal with to exist in this country, specifically,
Speaker 1: especially Black Americans, have created a PTSD because those systems
Speaker 1: created the ghettos we lived in. Those systems have created
Speaker 1: the disenfranchising of our people that most of us have
Speaker 1: known now to be normal. And if we created our
Speaker 1: own communities, they were burned down exactly so, and it's
Speaker 1: important for you to talk about that because people say
Speaker 1: all the time, well, how come Black Americans haven't figured
Speaker 1: out a way to pick themselves up by their bootstraps
Speaker 1: and be successful. We have several times, and if you think,
Speaker 1: if you go and google the drowned Cities, these are
Speaker 1: drowned cities of African Americans who were successful, whose cities
Speaker 1: were either bombed, burned down, and then drowned to create
Speaker 1: other opportunities for white settlers who were here. So this
Speaker 1: whole idea that black people just need to figure out
Speaker 1: on their own how to get themselves out of their
Speaker 1: plight is just not real. And that also attributes to
Speaker 1: the PTSD because there's always this fear when you exist
Speaker 1: in America that my blackness is going to be my
Speaker 1: downfall because someone else doesn't want me to be successful,
Speaker 1: and that is a real fear, and when you were
Speaker 1: born with that fear, even the discussion you have to
Speaker 1: have with your children about being black in America and
Speaker 1: dealing with police. When you listen to other demographics except
Speaker 1: for brown people, of course, you know Latin X people
Speaker 1: have had similar situations, especially more recently in America, dealing
Speaker 1: with the same ghettos and stuff like that. But the
Speaker 1: causation of everything that we've been through now after four
Speaker 1: hundred years of the enslavement of our people and the
Speaker 1: disenfranchising our people, have created a realistic anxiety. And it
Speaker 1: all stands from our living situations. For example, you don't
Speaker 1: grow up on a farm watching your parents build their
Speaker 1: own business. You grow up in the ghettos. You live
Speaker 1: in cities where we're on top of each other. If
Speaker 1: you had to live in an apartment building or a
Speaker 1: project house, you have someone on top of you, underneath,
Speaker 1: to your right, into your left, simple things, waiting for
Speaker 1: the elevator, alternate side of the street, parking, dealing with
Speaker 1: violence and poverty and militarization of the police outside of
Speaker 1: your home. That is not normal. People don't have to
Speaker 1: live like that. But in the black communities a lot
Speaker 1: of times just like, oh, that's just that's just flatbush,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Yeah, you know what I'm
Speaker 1: saying that having that conversation with my parents, are yo,
Speaker 1: tuck your chaining when you go down here, or don't
Speaker 1: wear this color when you go in that neighborhood because
Speaker 1: those are things that cause anxiety. Oh, for sure, he
Speaker 1: just can't exist freely. You know what I found pretty
Speaker 1: interesting too when I looked up like what's the anxiety
Speaker 1: disorder and like what group or demographic has it more
Speaker 1: likely than others? It's usually women in adults under the
Speaker 1: age of thirty five. I think about even just now,
Speaker 1: that was a report that was done in twenty sixteen,
Speaker 1: so we were in the thick of things when it
Speaker 1: came to social media, right, So I think about the
Speaker 1: added layer, Oh what social media causes on that demographic.
Speaker 1: Because you are now having access as teenagers to social media,
Speaker 1: you're trying to figure out who you are, find yourself
Speaker 1: with this oversaturated market of information that's in your face daily,
Speaker 1: you can understand why there's a direct correlation between the
Speaker 1: increase of anxiety disorder amongst people under thirty five. We're
Speaker 1: still trying to figure it out. Like I think my
Speaker 1: anxiety in addition to becoming a parent at least and
Speaker 1: some markets have started to kind of tank as I
Speaker 1: became surer of myself, like I know who I am,
Speaker 1: you know, for the most part at this age, depending
Speaker 1: on the day, but I know who I am, so
Speaker 1: that anxiety that I have about certain things when it
Speaker 1: comes to career or just life or work, I can
Speaker 1: navigate a little bit more freely around. But that under
Speaker 1: thirty five demographic, I feel bad. Yeah, it's going to
Speaker 1: be a tough time trying to figure out who they
Speaker 1: are because you're in a constant state of comparing your
Speaker 1: real life to someone else's highlight reel because that's what
Speaker 1: you want. Sides. On top of that, you're being fed
Speaker 1: a lot of negativity for sure, you know, like when
Speaker 1: we were growing up, you had to look and search
Speaker 1: and find things. But when you have this phone now
Speaker 1: you can just open it up, and now you're being
Speaker 1: fed so many thoughts and ideas that can create anxiety.
Speaker 1: Think about when we had to put a cap on
Speaker 1: Jackson with YouTube watching yes, because he was watching sports
Speaker 1: highlights and he was starting to get into this rabbit
Speaker 1: hole of injuries, yes, and watching people get injuries. Yes,
Speaker 1: And then he would go to play a game or
Speaker 1: go to work out and he'd be timid and we're
Speaker 1: just like, bro, why, We were like, why doesn't he
Speaker 1: have that like dog in him? Where's that? And it's
Speaker 1: because he's playing timid because he's like, oh, I saw
Speaker 1: such and such did this crossover and he rolled his
Speaker 1: ankle and now he's out. And that's literally what was
Speaker 1: consuming him. Yes, playing in fear because he feared injury. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, bro, that information that's being fed to
Speaker 1: you is going to become your reality. At some point
Speaker 1: you have to We had to stop that. Yes. And
Speaker 1: it's important for parents to also making sure that they're
Speaker 1: tuning in to what their children are watching and stuff,
Speaker 1: because it can be hard and it can seem impossible
Speaker 1: sometimes with as much access as they have. And you
Speaker 1: know what's crazy, the older generation felt like that with
Speaker 1: us when it came to television and then when it
Speaker 1: came to computers. So it's like every generation, as technology
Speaker 1: gets better, which is supposed to be for the enhancement
Speaker 1: of human the human race, there's always this fear that
Speaker 1: with the greater the technology the greater the anxiety because
Speaker 1: now you have access to too much information, and that
Speaker 1: overload of information, if you don't have the emotional capacity
Speaker 1: to understand what it is or the mental fort two
Speaker 1: to what's the world, I can think to filter it properly,
Speaker 1: it can be overwhelming and cause anxiety. And like I
Speaker 1: said before, does it cause you to be anxious? Actually
Speaker 1: cause anxiety? And I think we as parents have to
Speaker 1: learn how to manage that with our kids and even ourselves.
Speaker 1: For sure. For sure I know how to spot it too, right,
Speaker 1: because we said the manifests itself differently in different people.
Speaker 1: So here's some other myths. Psychological differences are natural, that's
Speaker 1: the myth. The truth is some psychological ailments, such as anxiety,
Speaker 1: can be brought on by environmental factors, which is what
Speaker 1: we talked about. Black children do not experience mental health problems.
Speaker 1: That is a myth. Children can and do phase mental
Speaker 1: health issues. Yeah, that is important for people to understand.
Speaker 1: Stop thinking your children are lying. But that's also too
Speaker 1: why I feel like you need to have the conversations
Speaker 1: over and over again with your kids, like you need
Speaker 1: to investigate how they feel. You need to talk about it,
Speaker 1: because no longer are we doing the whole kids need
Speaker 1: to be seen and not heard thing. And some people
Speaker 1: may not agree with that, but for us, at least
Speaker 1: we know within this household, it is important for all
Speaker 1: of our voice to feel like they are allowed to
Speaker 1: be vocal, that we can hear them, we can help
Speaker 1: them kind of dissect their feelings and what they're going
Speaker 1: through in certain moments, Like that's super important as parents
Speaker 1: to be able to kind of help them build that
Speaker 1: emotional compass, if you will, with how to deal with
Speaker 1: their feelings. But I also think that understanding that anxiety
Speaker 1: is not all natural, that it's also nurture, parents can
Speaker 1: also learn to do a better job to not create anxiety.
Speaker 1: And you know what I'm saying, Like we we even
Speaker 1: talk about that with your Literally, my mom is a warrior,
Speaker 1: she is a worrior. She's always gonna work, she's always
Speaker 1: gonna think the worst. Like that's just how she's always been.
Speaker 1: And I might have inherently got some of that from her.
Speaker 1: But she helps us a great deal in the morning,
Speaker 1: for example, with getting the boys ready for school. And
Speaker 1: my philosophy is when we're getting the boys out the
Speaker 1: door in the morning, I want them to leave the
Speaker 1: house feeling invigorated and feeling like they can tackle the world.
Speaker 1: And anytime they're walking through the door, the first the
Speaker 1: last thing I say to them is go be great today,
Speaker 1: Like that's what I want for them. But I realize
Speaker 1: that sometimes in the morning, like you know, it's just
Speaker 1: the looking at the clock, you have three different kids
Speaker 1: to get ready. Who needs lunch, who needs what? And
Speaker 1: sometimes my mom gets a little flustered, you know, and
Speaker 1: her being flustered, in turn makes the boys flustered, right,
Speaker 1: And this is how they're starting their day, and this
Speaker 1: is what they're taking to school with it. I feel
Speaker 1: like we need to set the tone when they leave
Speaker 1: the house first thing in the morning, to set them
Speaker 1: up for success because they're battling and tackling so many
Speaker 1: things when they finally get out there in the world.
Speaker 1: You know. So I'd say to her sometimes like okay, relax,
Speaker 1: Like okay, they're running five ten minutes behind. It's all right,
Speaker 1: it's all right, we'll be fine. We'll make it up
Speaker 1: on the ride to school. Or you know, there's little
Speaker 1: ways to just kind of help to deflect, you know,
Speaker 1: that excitement, so that way the boys don't absorb all that.
Speaker 1: So before we go take a break. So we gotta
Speaker 1: take a break before you get to listen to letters.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about what we do to help
Speaker 1: remove anxiety from our lives. Right. I know for a
Speaker 1: fact one thing I am big on is I don't
Speaker 1: ever want my wife to deal with anxiety. My focus
Speaker 1: was to create I don't want to say soft, but
Speaker 1: create the softest life I could so that my wife
Speaker 1: could be free and live comfortably. Same thing from my children.
Speaker 1: Do you think about that as a wife, like, how
Speaker 1: were you going to remove anxiety from the house for
Speaker 1: your husband? Absolutely? I think I've been thinking about it
Speaker 1: more recently too, because a lot of it for me,
Speaker 1: I realize has become like an attitude shift or picking
Speaker 1: my approach to certain things. For example, we had a
Speaker 1: crazy twenty twenty two. I had to pack at one
Speaker 1: point for all six of us to do this travel show. Yes,
Speaker 1: you remember that was a lot, and it was a lot,
Speaker 1: a lot going on. There was a lot of travel,
Speaker 1: a lot of back and forth, a lot of packing,
Speaker 1: unpacking and repacking. And I remember coming to you and
Speaker 1: being like, have to pack for all these kids, and
Speaker 1: I have all this stuff and I can't find this
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to do that. Da da da, And
Speaker 1: Ivo was just like, I understand, okay, but a this
Speaker 1: is your task, because we all had our tasks right
Speaker 1: to you that this is your task. Two, we're doing
Speaker 1: a travel show with our kids, Like, this is an
Speaker 1: awesome opportunity for us to go and have a good
Speaker 1: time with the boys. You complained about not spending enough
Speaker 1: time with them when we travel. We are traveling on
Speaker 1: a show with the boys. How about you take the
Speaker 1: approach of you know what, I'm gonna throw some outfits
Speaker 1: in there. I just can't wait to get to wherever
Speaker 1: I'm getting too. As long as I have my boys
Speaker 1: and my husband with me, who cares what we're wearing, right,
Speaker 1: you know? And I was just like, you know what,
Speaker 1: You're absolutely right about that. So notice how I've been
Speaker 1: times that we've had to pack it. I don't complain
Speaker 1: about that stuff. My husband. Okay, I know he's about
Speaker 1: to go film, so he needs to be in the
Speaker 1: best shape possible. Am I going to add to his
Speaker 1: stress and anxiety by throwing a fit every time he says, okay,
Speaker 1: you know we are the time we're going to the
Speaker 1: gym today because we know we're trying to do this together.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get myself in shape. You're trying to
Speaker 1: get yourself in shape. So how do I now make
Speaker 1: it an easier situation for both of us by not
Speaker 1: adding stress and worry to you having to worry about
Speaker 1: me in a moment where you're trying to take care
Speaker 1: of yourself. You know what I'm saying. I get it.
Speaker 1: So it's all about your approach to every situation. I
Speaker 1: approach the situations if I can control my approach and
Speaker 1: really just be like Kadeen, are you over here throwing
Speaker 1: a fit about something that a other people would love
Speaker 1: to have the opportunity to do or be your You
Speaker 1: can set the tone for your family and your kids
Speaker 1: and your husband and the way they feel in this moment.
Speaker 1: Why not just choose to do that? Some things became
Speaker 1: a choice for me. So ultimately you just choosing to
Speaker 1: not project your anxiousness right onto the people around you
Speaker 1: that you love. Yeah, and then an attempt to remove
Speaker 1: all aspects of anxiety that could exist in the house,
Speaker 1: and then not having that anxiousness projected back on you
Speaker 1: but myself, right even just for myself right, because I'm
Speaker 1: finding ways to deal with my anxiety. I could alleviate
Speaker 1: anxiety from you guys, and then just take it all
Speaker 1: on myself and be like, oh my god, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: crumble inside because I've taken it off of everyone else.
Speaker 1: But I realized a lot of my anxiety was coming
Speaker 1: from feeling overwhelmed and feeling not prepared. And when I
Speaker 1: just took the approach of like, Okay, things are going
Speaker 1: to get done and the time it needs to get done,
Speaker 1: let me reprioritize, let me figure some things out, let
Speaker 1: me delegate, let me ask for help when needed, then
Speaker 1: anxiety levels tended to decrease. Oh I see, I see.
Speaker 1: It's funny to hear you talk about certain things because
Speaker 1: we don't really have discussed this. You just see changes
Speaker 1: and you're like, what be your thought process here? But
Speaker 1: now I see because I was kind of I was
Speaker 1: even talking in trouble last night, and I was just like,
Speaker 1: if you notice, couldeine being a gym? Like she was
Speaker 1: just going in by herself wearing the past. I had
Speaker 1: to be on her about being in a gym, and
Speaker 1: then it becomes an argument. But that also goes to
Speaker 1: the nurture, right. I remember, I just apologized to you
Speaker 1: the other day because I realized how much I was
Speaker 1: probably causing you anxiousness, which could lead to anxiety because
Speaker 1: I was just on you about everything, and a lot
Speaker 1: of times that came from insecurities in myself and be projecting.
Speaker 1: For example, um, when we were having financial issues everything,
Speaker 1: you should take me off like always on edge. So
Speaker 1: because I'm on edge and you're the closest person to me,
Speaker 1: the only way I could like alleviate some of that
Speaker 1: was to pretty much projected on you like you seem
Speaker 1: like you was blamed for everything, and I had apologized
Speaker 1: to you about that too. It's like that I'm probably
Speaker 1: created so much anxiety and my wife because she felt
Speaker 1: like she couldn't do anything right because no matter what
Speaker 1: she was doing, it was wrong and it literally had
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. In a moment, it was
Speaker 1: just thank you for acknowledging that because a lot of
Speaker 1: anxiety came from me trying to keep up with you.
Speaker 1: I get it. I get it, and I think that
Speaker 1: helps too in relationships when you can realize, like dang,
Speaker 1: I created a very unhealthy, unsafe space for my partner
Speaker 1: because I just put so much anxiousness on them, and
Speaker 1: to be honest, man, it's just there's no need for it.
Speaker 1: But until you learn how to cope with your own
Speaker 1: anxiousness or anxiety, you tend to just throw it on
Speaker 1: other people. You know. I feel like this because of you,
Speaker 1: And I realized that that's what I was doing, you know,
Speaker 1: from like my twenties, like my early thirties, when I
Speaker 1: was trying to figure things out, and that fear of
Speaker 1: not knowing, or that that fear of the unknown and
Speaker 1: not knowing how to get through certain things. It was
Speaker 1: just like, I feel this way because of you. I
Speaker 1: can handle everything I can control. Of your the reason
Speaker 1: why I feel like this, But think about it. You
Speaker 1: had asked me recently. I think you had said something
Speaker 1: to like me at some point, and I might have
Speaker 1: gotten like terry eyed about it. And then you had
Speaker 1: said something to Jackson and he started to cry. And
Speaker 1: then I forget who else you were talking to about something,
Speaker 1: and they also got emotional, and it was mom or
Speaker 1: denor or something like. They got emotional and you were
Speaker 1: just like, yo, why is it that every time I
Speaker 1: just express how I feel to someone, they get terry
Speaker 1: eyed and they want to cry. And I was like,
Speaker 1: because like we feel like a like we're disappointing you,
Speaker 1: like we're not adequate enough, Like we're not reaching to
Speaker 1: your level or standard of excellence. And we know that
Speaker 1: you're excellent because you've proven to be excellent. So it's
Speaker 1: like you have everyone around you trying to, you know,
Speaker 1: meet you where you are, and if you fall short,
Speaker 1: you're just like damn, You're feeling like you're just being
Speaker 1: in disappointment, and that creates a level of anxiety in
Speaker 1: the people around you, because we just want to be
Speaker 1: able to be good enough. We want to be able
Speaker 1: to make you proud. We want to be able to
Speaker 1: match the efforts that you put out, which we've seen
Speaker 1: have made you so successful, you know. So that also
Speaker 1: was adding a layer of anxiety, I think when we
Speaker 1: look at dissecting like us, the kids, the household and stuff.
Speaker 1: So it was also it was also the pressure I
Speaker 1: was putting on everyone else to meet the standard right
Speaker 1: and continue in the process the same way I did
Speaker 1: the process exactly. I think that was the greatest thing.
Speaker 1: I think when you realize, okay, everything can be attainable,
Speaker 1: but everyone has a different process, then it was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: so everything's gonna get done. Maybe not in the manner
Speaker 1: of time frame that you would do, but it's gonna
Speaker 1: get done, you know. And once we realize that, then
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, everyone's moving, you know, according to how
Speaker 1: they see fit. And the balls weren't getting dropped well,
Speaker 1: I mean balls always getting dropped in this house. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, that's one thing I'm never anxious about it.
Speaker 1: All Right, y'all, We're gonna go take a quick break
Speaker 1: and pay a couple bills, and we will get back
Speaker 1: into listener letters when we return. All right, y'all, we're
Speaker 1: back with listener letters. I'm gonna dive ride in. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: I am a new listener and I've been listening to
Speaker 1: I've been listening to binge listening at work, been binge
Speaker 1: listening at work. Love you guys, connection and how you
Speaker 1: both love each other. But I need y'all help. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty eight and I have one child. I've been dating
Speaker 1: this guy for going on three years. I know, shit
Speaker 1: weird and makes no sense. Probably, Oh no, you've been
Speaker 1: dating for three years. He's thirty one with no kids.
Speaker 1: Prior to dealing with him. I just got of a physically,
Speaker 1: emotionally and financially abusive relationship with my child's father four
Speaker 1: years and never once I believed claimed he claimed me
Speaker 1: to be his girlfriend. Things with this guy have been good, great,
Speaker 1: even I'm happy on all levels. I know for sure
Speaker 1: I'm the only person he talks to, and I only
Speaker 1: talk to him. We talk about the future, we go
Speaker 1: on dates, vacations, etc. But he says he doesn't want
Speaker 1: a relationship due to trust issues from his past. But
Speaker 1: here we are, three years later. I feel kind of
Speaker 1: foolish for waiting around without certainty, but I don't really
Speaker 1: have a reason to walk away. He wants to go
Speaker 1: with the flow, but I've been flowing and just curious
Speaker 1: when and if I should start pressing the issue. I
Speaker 1: told him I loved him, and he set it back
Speaker 1: and I expressed that he felt the same, but he's
Speaker 1: still not emotionally But he is still emotionally not expressive,
Speaker 1: so I just stopped saying it to see if he
Speaker 1: would hasn't happened. We're private, but not secretive. He's only
Speaker 1: met my son. I've met no family. He says he
Speaker 1: doesn't bring girlfriends around. He met my son for the
Speaker 1: first time this Christmas by his choice, and brought him
Speaker 1: thoughtful gifts. But I'm just genuinely confused because he doesn't
Speaker 1: vocalize his feelings towards me. What should I do or
Speaker 1: what can I do to get him to be a
Speaker 1: little bit more comfortable pressing this is what I feel.
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like she's tiptoeing, and it's
Speaker 1: like I should try. What should I say? When is
Speaker 1: the right time? This is the season I'm in. I'm
Speaker 1: telling people how I feel, what I need, what I desire,
Speaker 1: and I'm asking the same thing in real time. If
Speaker 1: we are in alignment, let's rob If we're not in alignment,
Speaker 1: let's both make the choice to do what's best for
Speaker 1: either one of us. Like the whole idea that there's
Speaker 1: a certain time or this is the right way, No,
Speaker 1: this is your life. You have one inaliable right, and
Speaker 1: that's to survive by any means necessary and have fun
Speaker 1: doing it. If you feel a certain way, if you
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable, express it to him and how he responds.
Speaker 1: Take it for what it is. Accept it. If he
Speaker 1: tells you who he is, don't be upset, don't judgment.
Speaker 1: Be like Okay, cool. If it works for you, we're here.
Speaker 1: If it's not, we move on. Yeah, Because I'm also
Speaker 1: wondering what exactly it is you're looking for, because you
Speaker 1: didn't really express it in here. Are you looking to
Speaker 1: be exclusive? Are you looking to are you dating with
Speaker 1: the potential for marriage right? What exactly is your desire
Speaker 1: here too? Are you just wanting him to express how
Speaker 1: he feels so you can move forward accordingly or not?
Speaker 1: I think you need to have a clear vision or
Speaker 1: clear image of what you want first, and after having
Speaker 1: conversations with him, does it align or does it not?
Speaker 1: Because one thing you got to do is believe people
Speaker 1: when they tell you who they are. And you can't
Speaker 1: try to convince him otherwise. If he's saying that he
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, you can't convince him of that.
Speaker 1: He needs to be convinced or changed and that he decides, yes,
Speaker 1: I do want to embark in a relationship that's exclusive,
Speaker 1: and then you can join him in that. Stop trying
Speaker 1: to change people's minds. I think that's what a lot
Speaker 1: of people nowadays try to do, is feel like if
Speaker 1: I double down, or if I pivot this way, or
Speaker 1: if I say that, if I do that, it's gonna
Speaker 1: make this person change your mind and get on board.
Speaker 1: Someone's not gonna get on board a train that never
Speaker 1: was going to reach the destination they wanted in the beginning.
Speaker 1: So yeah, speak with him, have the conversation, but no
Speaker 1: exactly what you want out of it, and don't waiver
Speaker 1: in that may not be the right match for you.
Speaker 1: If that's the case, I agree with that. Good luck
Speaker 1: to you. Hey, Codeine and de Val, what's up. I'm
Speaker 1: a young woman aged twenty three in a monogamous relationship
Speaker 1: with a young man aged twenty y'all, babies, I love
Speaker 1: y'all and have put him onto y'all as well. We
Speaker 1: pre ordered hard copies of your book to read together.
Speaker 1: Our relationship is fairly new. Our one year anniversary is
Speaker 1: in February. We have almost completely different personalities and outlooks
Speaker 1: on life, but somehow find ourselves having the same goals.
Speaker 1: We find ourselves in clashes about the smaller things more
Speaker 1: than big things. Although our relationship is new, we have
Speaker 1: both stated we want longevity for a lifetime and to
Speaker 1: build a family. Even though growing pains be whooping our ass,
Speaker 1: been there through everything. I take consideration of him first
Speaker 1: with whatever I do. I feel as if he doesn't
Speaker 1: do the same for me. What advice can you give
Speaker 1: as we continue this journey when we're feeling unconsidered as
Speaker 1: well as for a healthy relationship. Wow, that's literally like
Speaker 1: looking at Val and I back at that age. One
Speaker 1: year in is no time zero. Give each other grace
Speaker 1: to figure out how to love each other and who
Speaker 1: you are. Yes, yes, you have to figure out who
Speaker 1: he's twenty you're twenty three, like he can't even drink yet?
Speaker 1: Figured out right, y'all, haven't I look at myself? I
Speaker 1: just told kay this the other day. I was listening
Speaker 1: to the audiobook as we were recording it, and I
Speaker 1: said to Codein, I don't know what you saw in
Speaker 1: me at twenty two, because I did. I don't like
Speaker 1: who I was then looking at it now, I don't
Speaker 1: know how she could ever like me. So give each
Speaker 1: other grace, Be open and honest about what you want
Speaker 1: and what you need in real time. This is what
Speaker 1: Codeine and I've been doing from the beginning. I told
Speaker 1: her I didn't want to be a boyfriend. She told
Speaker 1: me she didn't want to be someone's girlfriend, so he
Speaker 1: was like, okay, cool, let's have fun. And through that
Speaker 1: process of having fun, we loved. We learned how to
Speaker 1: love each other. And there were times where we didn't
Speaker 1: love each other the same way at the same time,
Speaker 1: and we expressed that to each other and we figured
Speaker 1: out how to make it work. So give each other time, grace,
Speaker 1: but talk openly. Yeah, for sure, like lots of conversations.
Speaker 1: What was not brutal honesty? Um? Oh, shoot, wouldn't you
Speaker 1: just say radical transparency? And I love that. Shout out
Speaker 1: to Tiffany and Leja radical transparenci transparency. Yes. And the
Speaker 1: reason why it's called radical transparency because the truth doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be brutal, but it can be radical in
Speaker 1: the fact that most people don't like telling the truth.
Speaker 1: And that's the only reason why it's called radical. And
Speaker 1: it's transparency because that's how you feel. Let them see
Speaker 1: right through you. Be like yourself, don't be like anybody else,
Speaker 1: do it, baby, And I don't know. It's hard to
Speaker 1: try to grow as individuals and together at the same
Speaker 1: time while you're trying to figure things out. So just
Speaker 1: take your time, baby, take your time. All right, y'all.
Speaker 1: If you want to be featured as one of our
Speaker 1: listener letters, be sure to email us at dead ass
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A d
Speaker 1: A S s A d V I c E, because
Speaker 1: sometimes they'll be beginning the E at gmail dot coming time.
Speaker 1: We're talking anxiety, being anxious, anxiety disorder. Knowing how to
Speaker 1: decipher what's what? You got a moment of truth for them? Maybe? Yes.
Speaker 1: The first part of my moment of truth is this
Speaker 1: is a two part Number One, understand the difference between
Speaker 1: anxiety and anxiousness. Sometimes it's okay to not try and
Speaker 1: self diagnose and go see someone so you know if
Speaker 1: you have a chemical imbalance or if you're dealing with
Speaker 1: just anxiousness is something that you can actually work yourself through.
Speaker 1: First thing is understand the difference and get help if
Speaker 1: you feel like you may have anxiety and not just
Speaker 1: be anxious. Number two moment of truth. Realize when you're
Speaker 1: creating anxiety and other people? All right, some things, especially
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship or in a family, or
Speaker 1: you're in a work environment or you're around friends, it
Speaker 1: ain't always about you. Sometimes you got to look in
Speaker 1: the mirror and be like, I'm either one creating anxiety
Speaker 1: around the people and I love and if you are,
Speaker 1: learn how to channel that energy that's causing anxiety to
Speaker 1: other people and and put it towards something productive so
Speaker 1: that the people around you can look at you as
Speaker 1: an object of love and not an object of fear,
Speaker 1: which I know I was for a lot of people,
Speaker 1: and I'm constantly trying to change that. Now. I love that.
Speaker 1: That's a little bit of self reflection moments they're wrapped
Speaker 1: up in for you. I think my moment of truth
Speaker 1: is that anxiety goes along the lines or concurrently with boundaries.
Speaker 1: So I feel like if you set boundaries, which is
Speaker 1: a big term I think now for our generation, knowing
Speaker 1: when certain situations, certain people, certain scenarios cause you anxiety
Speaker 1: or you see a flare up in that, knowing when
Speaker 1: to put the boundary boundary up, when to separate yourselves
Speaker 1: from people in situations that cause that, to protect your
Speaker 1: own peace, because a lot of things I think can
Speaker 1: be almost self inflicted or not really self inflicted, but
Speaker 1: inflicted by others around you, Like but you're allowing it in,
Speaker 1: You're allowing you right, and it self's likely because you're
Speaker 1: allowing it to then, you know, disrupt your piece. So
Speaker 1: anxiety and boundaries go hand in hand, y'all, and learn
Speaker 1: how to how and when to exercise those. I like that.
Speaker 1: I like anxiety and boundaries go hand in hand. I
Speaker 1: like that. That's a good moment of truth. Thank you baby.
Speaker 1: All right, y'all, be sure to find us on Patreon
Speaker 1: if you have not yet. There's so much great exclusive
Speaker 1: dead as podcast video content for you guys there. We
Speaker 1: have live shows, we have lots of family stuff that
Speaker 1: we're packing into Patreons, so be sure to sign up
Speaker 1: for that if you have not already, and you can
Speaker 1: find us on social media on Instagram dead Ass the
Speaker 1: podcasts I'm Kadine, I Am on Ig and TikTok and
Speaker 1: I Am Devout and I Am not on Teamtalk so
Speaker 1: I'm too old for that. And if you're listening on
Speaker 1: Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network, and
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