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Speaker 1: Your real talk. Sometimes I'll just be nervous for the

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Speaker 1: sake of being nervous, but you mask it very well

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Speaker 1: because I can never tell when you're nervous. Well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that ass, and me some about my anxiety be kicking

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Speaker 1: in at the worst times. Well, I feel like I'm

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Speaker 1: in the constant state of anxiety, so I don't even

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Speaker 1: know what the worst on is. That's true, dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured, and we're the Ellises. You

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Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos without boys and

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Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therby. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and

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Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

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Speaker 1: we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about

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Speaker 1: some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't

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Speaker 1: want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennial

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Speaker 1: married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say

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Speaker 1: every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually

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Speaker 1: saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and

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Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. Were about to take phillows off

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Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna take y'all back to nineteen ninety nine.

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Speaker 1: Two thousand, Yo, yo, you out disrespectful son, one of

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Speaker 1: those people too, don't worry about it. Two thousand. I'm

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Speaker 1: getting ready to start my first JV basketball game, right okay,

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Speaker 1: And we're in the weight room because it's the home game.

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Speaker 1: We're in the waiting room. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting,

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Speaker 1: and out of nowhere, I start to feel like a

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Speaker 1: little like lightheaded and tired, like I just felt extremely tired,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, let me sit down for him,

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Speaker 1: and I thought it maybe I don't drinking enough water

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Speaker 1: and stuff. So I sit down and I lay down

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Speaker 1: on the bench and I actually go to sleep before

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Speaker 1: the game, just go to sleep, and then they wait me, yo, yo,

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Speaker 1: wake up, wake up? So I wake up. And immediately

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Speaker 1: when I wake up, I feel like okay, but disoriented,

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Speaker 1: like you know, someone wakes you up out of a sleep.

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Speaker 1: But how did I go to sleep that hard and

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Speaker 1: that fast? So wake up? Get disoriented? We run outside

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Speaker 1: for introductions for the basketball game. Throughout the whole thing,

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Speaker 1: it was like almost like foggy, and I could not

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Speaker 1: get focused, like I was just like I was like,

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Speaker 1: what's happened? It was happening. I couldn't I get focused

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Speaker 1: and we start the game, and the first couple of

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Speaker 1: trips down the court, I remember trying to tell myself, like, yo,

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Speaker 1: get get with it, like what is happening? Like You've

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Speaker 1: done this so many times? Why what is this feeling?

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Speaker 1: Are you sick? And I thought I was sick. I

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Speaker 1: thought I'm coming down with the flu. I thought, you know,

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Speaker 1: I thought something was happening to my body. And it

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Speaker 1: wasn't until I got the basketball and I went through

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Speaker 1: on motion and I had made a basket, and when

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Speaker 1: the basket went in, the fogginess disappeared and it went

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Speaker 1: from being like, yeah, let's go and I could hear clearly,

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Speaker 1: and then I relaxed. And it wasn't until the seventh

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Speaker 1: game of the year, we played Fort Hamilton. I remember

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Speaker 1: saying to myself. I was like, man, I think I

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Speaker 1: have performance anxiety, and my coach said, I think you

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Speaker 1: do too. Anxiety comes from being anxious. So it's only

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Speaker 1: right that we sing a song that talks about you. Ready.

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Speaker 1: M mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm body rope, mm hmmm mm hmmm mmmmm. Nine

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Speaker 1: o'clock Home alone, paiging you when shit you come over

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Speaker 1: my place, after world after wild, let me know, let

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Speaker 1: me know. We can't just keep talking about the least.

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Speaker 1: So now I understand why Genuine had that vein. Is

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Speaker 1: name how you singing the high of a register, the

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Speaker 1: bulging vein? So anxious man talking was prom you remember

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Speaker 1: what song was playing? When you wait? You know what.

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Speaker 1: Let's pay a quick bill. I'm gonna come back out

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Speaker 1: of this break and let y'all know about the time

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Speaker 1: develop post some dramatic movie shit on campus. All right.

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Speaker 1: I will let y'all know about that when we get back.

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Speaker 1: All right, So we're back. So the double down the

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Speaker 1: story time has nothing to do with anxiety, but real

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Speaker 1: quick because of the song choice anxiety at this moment.

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Speaker 1: But sure we both had anxiety at this moment. So

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Speaker 1: this is back to October two thousand and two, and

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Speaker 1: I'm on campus at half share with Val. At this point,

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Speaker 1: I hadn't transferred yet, but I had put my transfer

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Speaker 1: papers in UM and Devot I had been talking for

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks, and I realized that Devot was

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Speaker 1: simultaneously talking to you. Didn't realize I told you, right, Well,

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Speaker 1: this is me comeing to the realization that after Devot

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Speaker 1: told me that he was talking to none of us

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Speaker 1: said that when he said that he had somebody back

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Speaker 1: in high school, that he was kind of still talking too.

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Speaker 1: They were kind of trying to figure out, you know,

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Speaker 1: where their relationship was. I was like, oh, okay, so

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Speaker 1: kind of talking to somebody. I'm not about to be

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Speaker 1: playing number two to you. So no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: you're talking about dramatics. No no, no, no, no stop.

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Speaker 1: If you can talk about dramatics, start about the drama.

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Speaker 1: The drama started in the room. We was in the room.

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Speaker 1: She's on top of me, and we're making out right,

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Speaker 1: and we're making out and I don't know, we're doing

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Speaker 1: the magout session. I feel water falling down my face

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Speaker 1: and then I'm like it was tears. I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: why that's I was trying to get to that. This

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Speaker 1: is this is what you call building a story. What

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Speaker 1: it was? No, and sometimes and it's good to tell

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Speaker 1: stories in a dramatic way. Since you talked about being dramatic,

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Speaker 1: well you took over my whole story. No no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm just doing this part. You could take it back over.

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Speaker 1: I felt water falling down my face and then I

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Speaker 1: look up and Codein's crying and I'm just like, hey, hey, hey, what,

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Speaker 1: like what's what's going on here? Like are you okay?

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Speaker 1: Are you comfortable? Do you feel safe? She's just like, yeah, anybody,

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Speaker 1: I can't do this anymore and can't do this anymore.

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Speaker 1: And I'm just like, you can't do what? Like we

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Speaker 1: weren't even doing that yet, like we just just making out.

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Speaker 1: She's like, I'm sorry, I have to go out, like

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be anyone second. And I was

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Speaker 1: just like, but I told you I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: be nobody's boyfriend. I'm trying to figure out and she's like,

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Speaker 1: I know, I just can't be no one's second, and

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Speaker 1: then she gets up, gets all of her stuff and

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Speaker 1: walks out of the room. I walked out the room

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Speaker 1: because I was like, what am I doing here? Like

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Speaker 1: I don't really want a boyfriend, but I'm really liking

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Speaker 1: this guy way too much. You know, he doesn't really

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Speaker 1: want a girlfriend. He kind of just talking to somebody still,

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Speaker 1: Like I was just like, you know what, forget this

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Speaker 1: before I get any deeper into this situation. I'm a dip,

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Speaker 1: So I get in my little green Toyota rav four

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Speaker 1: at the time, and packed up on myself. I was

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Speaker 1: leaving campus. Didn't you gonna leave? She walked out the door,

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Speaker 1: and I used to live on the second floor. I

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Speaker 1: stayed in my room and I looked out the window

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Speaker 1: and I watched her go out the door, and I

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Speaker 1: watched her go through the courtyard, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: and I just put on my flip flaps and I ran.

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Speaker 1: I went through the courtyard and I went through the gate.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't get back in, say you know, I was going.

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Speaker 1: So I got in my car and I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, forget this, Like I'm gonna just go

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Speaker 1: move on with my life. This is not really anything

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Speaker 1: I planned for anyway. So I'm driving now at this

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Speaker 1: point towards the exit at the campus, and we reached

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Speaker 1: this four way stop sign, so it's the biggest intersection

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Speaker 1: by the entrance of and I see de vous car

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Speaker 1: come out of nowhere, and he pretty much comes from

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Speaker 1: around me and then cuts me off. So I'm like,

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Speaker 1: where cars our cars like a tea now like a

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Speaker 1: capital tea, Like mine is the base and his is

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Speaker 1: the top of the tea. So he blocks me in turn,

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Speaker 1: blocking four way traffic, and then he comes over to me,

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Speaker 1: swings my car door open and it pulls me out

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Speaker 1: the car and he's just like, don't leave please, don't

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Speaker 1: leave me, don't leave me. And what's playing in the

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Speaker 1: background is genuine song Stingy. So that's how we link

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Speaker 1: the fucking me just yet something hide it. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I remember that was like, but you're being so stingy

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Speaker 1: at this because you want to have me and her

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Speaker 1: and everything, but you don't want to girl, I don't

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Speaker 1: understand himself. Is not the only one, but the only

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Speaker 1: song that was such a moment. That was a moment

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Speaker 1: when they do the movie about our life, Well, we

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Speaker 1: have a movie about it because we have the book now,

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Speaker 1: so the next thing is the movie. Deal all right,

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Speaker 1: come on now, we're gonna write this whole script out.

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Speaker 1: And that has to be one of the most dramatic

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Speaker 1: moments in the movie. All it was missing was rain.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, if there was rain, I cut a

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Speaker 1: Dean off and and is she was just like crying

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Speaker 1: still and I hugged it and we started kissing. In

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Speaker 1: and over here is blocking man traffic, sunired intersection. Nobody

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Speaker 1: want to see all that ship man, go to your room.

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Speaker 1: People was cursing this out, but this is that moment

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Speaker 1: you don't hear anything around I literally don't know what's

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Speaker 1: going on around me. But all I know is then

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Speaker 1: I got back in the car, pulled over, and then

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Speaker 1: we probably made out for like another hour after made

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Speaker 1: like another hour. Good times, good times. The memory to eighteen,

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Speaker 1: I know, I know eighteen and then live y'all that

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Speaker 1: she gave me anxiety too, though, Yeah, not gonna lie,

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Speaker 1: not gonna lie. So we're talking anxiety today. What does

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Speaker 1: that look like for you? What is it? How do

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Speaker 1: we cope? Um? I feel like the term anxiety is

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Speaker 1: thrown around a lot too, but there's so many different

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Speaker 1: ways that it can manifest itself in people. So the

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Speaker 1: first thing was I'm gonna talk story time. Yeah, Um,

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Speaker 1: I was in tenth grade playing JV basketball, and I

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Speaker 1: was at the time, I was I was the best

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Speaker 1: basketball player on the team, Like it wasn't even close

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Speaker 1: who was the best basketball player. So I felt like

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Speaker 1: there was a lot of pressure on me to perform.

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Speaker 1: And before this I had never been on like a team.

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Speaker 1: I was never in a real team environment where everything

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Speaker 1: was on me. So I remember getting ready to play

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Speaker 1: that first game and feeling like, if I don't score

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Speaker 1: this many points, if I have turnovers, if I do this,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna lose and everybody's gonna be watching me. If

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Speaker 1: I make mistage, I'm going to be the laughing stock,

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Speaker 1: and then I'm gonna lose my spot, and then my

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Speaker 1: parents won't love me, and then I'm gonna be mad.

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Speaker 1: Like my mind just started racing of all the things

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Speaker 1: that could possibly go wrong, and it was like I

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Speaker 1: had to slow my mind down in order to become

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Speaker 1: at ease with playing. And then it used to happen

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Speaker 1: before every game, and I remember Coach Valasquez used to

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Speaker 1: be like, you are right, because I'd be sweating, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I would have to lay down

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Speaker 1: and like kind of close my eyes and I would

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Speaker 1: take a nap, like right before the game, and she'd

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Speaker 1: be like, yo, wake up, like let's go. And I

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Speaker 1: played well. I always my first seven games, I averaged

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Speaker 1: over like fifteen points. I was blocking shots, I was fast,

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Speaker 1: and I was doing all the things. She's like, You're

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Speaker 1: playing well, Like what's the matter. But it was always

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Speaker 1: the fear of failure that used to just like make

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Speaker 1: me so nervous, and I started to develop a system.

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Speaker 1: And I played football for the first time the year later,

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Speaker 1: and I had the same thing all of those football games.

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Speaker 1: Going through all of college. I had to say all

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Speaker 1: of college, I had performance anxiety before every game. I

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Speaker 1: never forget Stephen Bone used to go to the bathroom,

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Speaker 1: shout out to my boy Steve and he would throw up.

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Speaker 1: He would throw up. I would sit in my locker

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Speaker 1: and I would go sleep. I don't know everybody manifests

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Speaker 1: itself so differently, because for me, I could never think

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Speaker 1: about sleeping. Usually it's my stomach. I'm usually on the

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Speaker 1: toilet like got bubble guts before any moments like that happened. No,

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Speaker 1: I realized talking to my teammates that everyone in the

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Speaker 1: locker room had their form of anxiety, and it would

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Speaker 1: it would come, especially being a Division one athlete, so

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Speaker 1: much as writing on your success and you're used to

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Speaker 1: being the most successful person, Like less than one percent

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Speaker 1: of athletes become Division one athletes, So when you're in

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Speaker 1: the locker room, you're in the locker room with one

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Speaker 1: percent of the population, and all of those people have

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Speaker 1: that weight and pressure on top of that, there's a

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Speaker 1: weight pressure from coaches would be like we gotta win,

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Speaker 1: we gotta do some in order to be successful. And

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Speaker 1: I used to watch everybody go through their routine before

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Speaker 1: the game. Everybody in the locker room had a routine

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Speaker 1: and it was exactly the same. For example, Willie Cologne

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Speaker 1: would pay a thousand times. He was always going into

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Speaker 1: the bathroom. Like I said, Stephen Bone would just go

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Speaker 1: in to bathroom and throw up. So Reef would listen

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Speaker 1: to music, Terry would get quiet and not talk to nobody.

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Speaker 1: I would be in my locker and I was sleeping

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Speaker 1: until they said this time for specialists to go outside.

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Speaker 1: Like everybody had their thing. And I can never tell

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Speaker 1: just watching you play with such confidence, like thinking about

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Speaker 1: even college days. Every time you hit the field, it

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Speaker 1: was like a show. And I was just like, man,

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Speaker 1: I could never tell that you had that anxiety happening. Well,

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Speaker 1: I can tell you how I learned to get through

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Speaker 1: the anxiety. And well do you want to you want

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Speaker 1: to go through some of these statues. Yeah, yeah, let's

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Speaker 1: unpack what what anxiety looks like, because like I said,

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Speaker 1: it can manifest itself in different ways for different people

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Speaker 1: and in several related diagnosis so um diagnosic that's shout

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Speaker 1: out to kyro La because I was like, oh my god. Diagnosis.

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Speaker 1: They include OCD, SO obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, phobias,

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Speaker 1: it can be panic disorder, and generalize anxiety disorder. And

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Speaker 1: common symptoms include physical anxieties such as like a racing heart,

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Speaker 1: you have a higher pulse, tension in the chest, butterflies

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Speaker 1: in the stombach that's me, feeling anxious or afraid, feeling

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Speaker 1: irritable or on edge, Engaging in compulsions such as washing

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Speaker 1: hands to ease anxiety, Avoiding people or places that remind

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Speaker 1: someone of trauma, experiencing ab troops of nightmares, memories or flashbacks,

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Speaker 1: having trouble concentrating because of distracting anxiety, having fears or phobias,

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Speaker 1: developing anxiety and tension related ailments such as tension, headaches,

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Speaker 1: or chronic muscle pain. An estimated thirty one point one

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Speaker 1: percent of US adults experience any anxiety disorder at some

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Speaker 1: point in their life. Women are more likely to experience mild, moderate,

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Speaker 1: or severe symptoms of anxiety than men, and research shows

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Speaker 1: Trusted Source tells us that anxiety may present differently in

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Speaker 1: Black Americans, who are more likely to develop PTSD post

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Speaker 1: traumatic stress disorder than white Americans. Yes, ye, so that

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Speaker 1: you have it lots of different ways that it could

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Speaker 1: show itself. This is the crazy part. I've noticed that.

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Speaker 1: And anxiety starts young, right. I noticed that Jackson. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say, he shares. He shares both of us, right,

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Speaker 1: because we both have performance anxiety. Yes, the absolute worst

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Speaker 1: thing for me as a kid. And I want to

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Speaker 1: tell you, and I know how it was directly being

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Speaker 1: to confidence too. I feel like anxiety and confidence going

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Speaker 1: hand in hand about it. My um I was taking

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Speaker 1: piano lessons, hated to play the piano, hated it, but

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Speaker 1: started it because I asked that my mom was a

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Speaker 1: believer and you started it. That's the discipline component. And

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Speaker 1: I was like this thing that not as easy as

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Speaker 1: it looked, you know, But I stuck through it. And

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Speaker 1: I really loved my music teacher at the time, so

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Speaker 1: it was an incentive for me to want to just

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Speaker 1: at least spend time with him and hang out and stuff.

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Speaker 1: And anytime somebody would come by the house or at

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Speaker 1: my elementary school, Bethlehem Academy, shout out to BBA. They'd

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Speaker 1: have a recital or they'd have a chapel service and

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Speaker 1: it'd be like entertainment by and my mom was always like,

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Speaker 1: couldint can play the piano? And I'm just like no,

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Speaker 1: I get like, why are you volunteering me? And they

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Speaker 1: also knew. My teachers and our headmasters at the time

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Speaker 1: knew that I played the piano, so they thought that

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Speaker 1: every time you know, something was happening, it was. And

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Speaker 1: I hated that because every single time I had to

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Speaker 1: play the piano in front of everyone, I got so

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Speaker 1: nervous and crazy anxieties, at the point where one time

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Speaker 1: I remember performing and I could not even get through

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Speaker 1: the song, Like I literally was just drawing a blank,

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Speaker 1: couldn't blame anything. My mom had to come out of

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Speaker 1: the audience and sit next to me to help me

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Speaker 1: get through work. Yeah, to help me get through. This

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Speaker 1: happened when I was me be in the second grade.

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Speaker 1: Oh you was eight, second or third grade. I think

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Speaker 1: by the third grade that's baby, you a baby still yeah,

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Speaker 1: but I just still I mean I took piano lessons

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Speaker 1: up until I was about eleven or twelve, and I

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Speaker 1: just I it just never stuck with me, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's because this wasn't confident with it, so that

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Speaker 1: lack of confidence in playing the piano gave me more

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Speaker 1: anxiety to perform. This is what I think. Because I

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Speaker 1: noticed this with Jackson, I believe it could be a myth,

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Speaker 1: but I know anxiety. Anxiety sometimes comes from internal factors,

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Speaker 1: but I do think some of it can be nurture,

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Speaker 1: right Like, for example, Jackson became extremely nervous about basketball

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Speaker 1: the more I screamed at him about basketball. I realized

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Speaker 1: the turn in Jackson when I took the pressure off

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Speaker 1: of him to perform and just go out and have fun.

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Speaker 1: I no longer get the same approach to the game

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Speaker 1: as he used to. For example, last year, this time

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Speaker 1: Jackson told me, and this is just me growing as

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Speaker 1: a parent and no one when you fucked up, Jackson

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Speaker 1: came to me and said he wanted to play basketball.

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Speaker 1: Jackson came to me and said he wanted to be

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Speaker 1: in the NBA. So I'm thinking I'm doing my son

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Speaker 1: a disservice if I don't put him in an environment

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Speaker 1: where he can be successful at that sport. Playing in

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Speaker 1: the NFL, they used to have a model called make

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Speaker 1: practice harder than the games, right. What they say is

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Speaker 1: you put athletes in a strustful environment in practice so

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Speaker 1: that the games can become fun. So I was putting

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Speaker 1: Jackson on purpose in strustful environments when we practice and

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Speaker 1: worked on things, because I wanted the games to be fun.

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Speaker 1: So I was putting all this pressure and stuff on

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Speaker 1: him in practice on purpose so that he will be

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Speaker 1: prepared when the anxiety comes during the game. And it

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Speaker 1: backfired like a mother because all of that pressure and

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Speaker 1: anxiety I put on him in practice, he carried that

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Speaker 1: into the game and his thought process was and he

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Speaker 1: literally said to me before before every game, he would

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Speaker 1: come in the room, Daddy, I don't feel good. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, what's the matter, And He's like, my

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Speaker 1: back hurts, I got a headache, my throat in the

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Speaker 1: car and I feel like I knew he was trying

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Speaker 1: to avoid the idea of thought of having to play,

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Speaker 1: so he would fall asleep in the car. But he

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Speaker 1: would always come up with an ailment, and I'll be

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Speaker 1: trying to figure out what's the ailment? What's the ailment?

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Speaker 1: That I realized, like, bro, you're nervous. He'd like yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: and to the point where he'd be crying yea, or

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Speaker 1: he'd be crying and I'm just like, dude, what are

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Speaker 1: you so nervous for, Like you plumped to play the game,

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Speaker 1: like he's about to be fun, and he would try

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Speaker 1: to hide that from me, like yeah, I know, I

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Speaker 1: know it'd be fun, it'd be fun. But I'd see

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Speaker 1: him getting nervous and nervous and nervous and something be happening,

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Speaker 1: and then I'd be like, dude, what's the matter. And

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Speaker 1: he told me he's just like I just I'm afraid

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Speaker 1: that if I lose that, you're not like, you're gonna

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Speaker 1: hate me. And I was like, wow, I'm the reason

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Speaker 1: why you have anxiety, bro, And I had to realize like,

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Speaker 1: here I am trying to avoid you from getting anxiety,

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Speaker 1: and I'm creating all of the anxiousness because of my

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Speaker 1: you know, my my anxiety. Like I wanted my son,

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Speaker 1: I want my son to be great, because he said

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Speaker 1: he wants to be great. I'm also not realizing that

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Speaker 1: at the time that he was ten, you know, and

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Speaker 1: the pressures you put on an adult professional athlete you

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Speaker 1: can't put on a ten year old. And I was

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Speaker 1: thinking that if I put it on him from ten,

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Speaker 1: he'll be able to learn how to deal with it

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Speaker 1: by the time he becomes a high school student. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, Yo, D this level, this whole hit.

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Speaker 1: I had to say my whole name to say, Yo

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00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,040
Speaker 1: D de v out calmed down, All right, your son

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Speaker 1: is out here, look like he's about to die because

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Speaker 1: he's playing a game that you're taking all of the

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Speaker 1: fun out of right, And I just start to tell him, like, YO,

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Speaker 1: have fun. I don't care if you win and lose.

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Speaker 1: I don't care how many points you have. I don't

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Speaker 1: care how many turnovers last. You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: But I had to teach myself that, right. And I

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00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:54,359
Speaker 1: watched Jackson over the last four months run to get

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Speaker 1: his gym back. Now Dad wants to Jim, like the

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00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,159
Speaker 1: cookie go to Jim Dak you do this and the

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Speaker 1: anxiety is going now anxiety for practice. Do you think

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00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 1: you can teach someone how to get through anxiety, because,

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Speaker 1: for example, I personally, whenever I have anxious moments, right,

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Speaker 1: sometimes it really just requires like an internal talking too,

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Speaker 1: yes to get you out of that place. Yes. And

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Speaker 1: I remember being younger and feeling like man, I just

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Speaker 1: literally cannot get control of my anxiousness. So this is

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00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,239
Speaker 1: this nerve. So you think it's something that you can

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00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:28,200
Speaker 1: teach someone how to kind of get through because with performance,

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Speaker 1: for example, how do you think so being a former

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Speaker 1: athlete per se, right, and now I'm a former like

399
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,680
Speaker 1: pageant competitor, right, So you're about to hit the stage

400
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,399
Speaker 1: and it's like, I just can't mess up, babe? Is

401
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,600
Speaker 1: this simple? Right? And the truth is it is extremely

402
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,960
Speaker 1: simple when you think about it, but it's difficult to do.

403
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Speaker 1: You only become a master at something through repetition, right,

404
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,399
Speaker 1: And it takes a thousand movements to become muscle memory,

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Speaker 1: which means you have to do the very thing you're

406
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,600
Speaker 1: afraid to do over and over and over again for

407
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,879
Speaker 1: a long period of time to become a master to

408
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,600
Speaker 1: the point where it becomes muscle memory. The way I

409
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,399
Speaker 1: was able to get through my performance anxiety was and

410
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,359
Speaker 1: it started with basketball and it continued through football. Every

411
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,359
Speaker 1: time I started to do something new, it was a

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00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,159
Speaker 1: challenge to master it. So the easiest thing today is

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00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,959
Speaker 1: to say, keep doing it over and over again till

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Speaker 1: you master it. The difficult is to have the consistency

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Speaker 1: to do it. And become a master. But that's how

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Speaker 1: you do it. You know how I got through my

417
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Speaker 1: anxiety with basketball. I took layups over and over again.

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Speaker 1: I did free throws over and over again. I shot

419
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,800
Speaker 1: shots in the same spot over and over again, and

420
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,320
Speaker 1: dribbled that basketball over and over again, to the point

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Speaker 1: where when my anxiety came up, I knew in my

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Speaker 1: heart that I'm a master at what this is about

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00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,720
Speaker 1: to do, and I could close my eyes and be

424
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Speaker 1: successful at it. That eased my body because I wasn't

425
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Speaker 1: worried about how I was going to perform. I knew

426
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,680
Speaker 1: that I had mastered what it is I wanted to do,

427
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,960
Speaker 1: and that's how it helped me through sports. Right with football,

428
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: I used to have anxiety about catching punts. I didn't

429
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,639
Speaker 1: catch punts in college, but I told him in the

430
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,680
Speaker 1: NFL I could, so after practice, I used to catch

431
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:09,000
Speaker 1: fifty punts after every single practice, when everybody else used

432
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 1: to go inside, I would spend another forty five minutes

433
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:16,200
Speaker 1: after practice, two hours sometimes catching punts over and over again,

434
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: so that once the game comes, I didn't have to

435
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,360
Speaker 1: be nervous of whether or not I'm going to drop

436
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 1: because the fear of The unknown is what draws anxiety

437
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 1: out right. You start thinking what happens if, what happens if?

438
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,399
Speaker 1: When you know in your mind that there is no

439
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 1: what happens if, Because I know what I'm going to do,

440
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,399
Speaker 1: the anxiety goes away. And that's what I've ingrained in

441
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,200
Speaker 1: Jackson Jain Why I got to do two hundred shots today.

442
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: You gotta make two hundred shots of games that when

443
00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:45,159
Speaker 1: the game comes around, you're not concerned about whether or

444
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,719
Speaker 1: not the SHOT's gonna go in. You're concerned about how

445
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,199
Speaker 1: I'm going to get to that spot so I can

446
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 1: make the shot go in. Then it becomes fun. It's

447
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,920
Speaker 1: no longer what if this happens? Maybe if? No. I

448
00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 1: know what I gotta do because I've mastered it, and

449
00:23:58,359 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 1: I also preached to him. I've learned is your mastery

450
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:06,120
Speaker 1: doesn't guarantee a victory because other people are also mastering

451
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,440
Speaker 1: their craft as well. Yet, so you're not worried about

452
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,160
Speaker 1: the victory. You're worried about mastering your craft and doing

453
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,520
Speaker 1: it the best of your ability. And what you realize

454
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,520
Speaker 1: that if I didn't win the game, I have to

455
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 1: work even harder than next time. So it's a process

456
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,159
Speaker 1: that never stops. You never get to a point of

457
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: mastery where I'm a master. Now I don't have to

458
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,080
Speaker 1: work no more. You have to maintain mastery by continuing

459
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,680
Speaker 1: to work. And that's how I've learned to rid my anxiety.

460
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 1: That's why I read so much. That's why I love

461
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,120
Speaker 1: doing auditions because now the anxiety for some people comes

462
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:39,960
Speaker 1: with an audition. Right, They're going, I got an audition too,

463
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,240
Speaker 1: What am supposed to do? Well? Have you read that

464
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:45,119
Speaker 1: script over and over and over and over and over again,

465
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,920
Speaker 1: and then one more time to make sure you have

466
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,760
Speaker 1: the words, and then another time to make sure you

467
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 1: understand it. And people are like, Dann, you read the

468
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,639
Speaker 1: scripts that many times? Yes, I read the scripts in

469
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,280
Speaker 1: the sides over and over again up until I walk

470
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:59,399
Speaker 1: into that door, so that when the anxiety hits, I

471
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,399
Speaker 1: can find relaxed moment where it's like I know what

472
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,399
Speaker 1: I gotta do, and I walk in it and the

473
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,879
Speaker 1: mastery just comes out. You know what I have not

474
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,359
Speaker 1: been able to master when it comes to anxiety was

475
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:14,720
Speaker 1: that being a mom. Being a mom, wow, and having children,

476
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 1: Because you know we're talking about performance anxiety. I live

477
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: in a constant state of anxiety. Are you worried about

478
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 1: messing your kids up? Or you worry your kids everything.

479
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:29,080
Speaker 1: It's a constant state of anxiety. I feel like I

480
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:33,479
Speaker 1: have my actual heart walking around outside times five if

481
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: there's you and there's my boys. And as a mom,

482
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:43,760
Speaker 1: I don't think I'll ever not exists in some space

483
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:49,720
Speaker 1: of anxiety or worry. And that's exhausting. But yeah, and

484
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 1: that's just like a different form of anxiety because I

485
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 1: feel like I'm never going to fully be in control

486
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,119
Speaker 1: of life. I'm never gonna fully be in control of

487
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:03,359
Speaker 1: their life, the people around them, the scenarios they're going

488
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:07,479
Speaker 1: to be in as they grow. And it is an

489
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 1: exhausting space to be in as a parent, as a

490
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:16,320
Speaker 1: wife because I don't know if I can always protect

491
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:19,720
Speaker 1: my children. You can't. There's no don't know. You do know.

492
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,560
Speaker 1: I know. I know that I can't always protect my children.

493
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,560
Speaker 1: I know that I can't always protect or be there

494
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,680
Speaker 1: for my husband like and that I think for me

495
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,160
Speaker 1: was like the turning point in my life where I realized,

496
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,480
Speaker 1: like you know, when you just say why, you always

497
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,879
Speaker 1: think the worst. Sometimes it's like as a mom, you

498
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,600
Speaker 1: just think of the worst case scenarios It's like when

499
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,080
Speaker 1: you see a child walking and you're just like, shoot,

500
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,800
Speaker 1: he's about to fall. I know he's about to fall,

501
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 1: and you know you go to grab them because if

502
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,040
Speaker 1: that instant kicks in. I am living in a constant

503
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: state of anxiety and worry, and I don't know how

504
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 1: to keep it under control. Sometimes. Well, it's funny you

505
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,399
Speaker 1: say that, because I never thought of it like that,

506
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,800
Speaker 1: But I do kind of apply the same method even

507
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 1: to my kids. Take the Coda for example, right, I

508
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,879
Speaker 1: notice you and your mom are very high strung when

509
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,920
Speaker 1: it comes to the Koda, him falling, him having an accident.

510
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,160
Speaker 1: I remember everybody was like, we just need to buy gates.

511
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,159
Speaker 1: The house is so big, he could walk around everywhere

512
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,920
Speaker 1: and fall. Right. Rather than fearing that he may fall

513
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 1: and then putting up all of these barricades to stop

514
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:22,119
Speaker 1: him from going places, I am of the mindset that

515
00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:24,560
Speaker 1: let me walk him through these places and have him

516
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,480
Speaker 1: practice doing the things that I'm afraid of him failing

517
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,399
Speaker 1: at and getting hurt, so that he masters it. Like

518
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,960
Speaker 1: going up and down the stairs. Yo, Coda can go

519
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 1: up and down the stairs. You want to know why,

520
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,680
Speaker 1: because Dad sat there with him and let him you know,

521
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,679
Speaker 1: go down the stairs backwards and if he were going

522
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 1: to stumble, to keep my hand there just in case.

523
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,440
Speaker 1: And I let him do that a couple of times

524
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: up and down until it became like, wait a minute,

525
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 1: I can do this on my own, and he starts

526
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 1: to move up and down. So he developed And now

527
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: the anxiety for me being concerned if my son is

528
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: going to fall down twenty seven steps, that's how many

529
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,280
Speaker 1: steps it is from upstairs to down. I'm afraid that

530
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,439
Speaker 1: he's gonna fall down those steps. No, I've watched him

531
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,640
Speaker 1: in practice with him go over it so many times

532
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 1: that I know he can do it, and that doesn't

533
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 1: guarantee that he's never gonna fall. But what I'm not

534
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 1: concerned is that my son is going to go to

535
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 1: a place that he's never seen before and not know

536
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 1: what to do. And I think as a parent, that's

537
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,879
Speaker 1: what I always try to do as a parent to

538
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 1: four boys. Right, you have to go to school this road.

539
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: I'm not going to just say, well, you gotta go

540
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 1: down that road. You and I gonna drive this road

541
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,320
Speaker 1: so you can see what it looks like. We're gonna

542
00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: walk this road to see what it's like when you're

543
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: walking right, I'm gonna wait until it's raining one day

544
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 1: and you can I'm gonna walk with you while it's

545
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 1: raining so you can see. And I'm going to trust

546
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,960
Speaker 1: that after we've done this together a number of times

547
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: that you got it, and at that point the anxiety

548
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,480
Speaker 1: is gone because we've done this together. I feel that

549
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,680
Speaker 1: with you, you go places sometimes by yourself, and I'm like,

550
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 1: Kadeini has never done this without me. I get worried,

551
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 1: but I've learned to respect that if we've worked on

552
00:28:55,920 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 1: the foundation together, you'll be fine. But there's also too Okay,

553
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: so they've mastered how to walk that path, but then

554
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,560
Speaker 1: so me is thinking, okay, they can walk the path

555
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: on their own. Now I'm worried about the people who

556
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 1: are around them, the people who may see them, the

557
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:11,640
Speaker 1: people who may be driving by, you know, the people

558
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 1: who might be snatching up people. Like it's just like

559
00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: a compounded layer. Every time I feel like, Okay, I'm

560
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:19,600
Speaker 1: confident with this, because my mom used to say it

561
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,560
Speaker 1: all the time. I'm not worried about you. I'm worried

562
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 1: about the crazy people out there, you know. And it's

563
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 1: it's just really an exhausting space to be in and

564
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,080
Speaker 1: it takes a lot to really say to yourself, you

565
00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:34,560
Speaker 1: can't be there all the time, you can't protect the

566
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,880
Speaker 1: way you want to all the time. But but my

567
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 1: thing is, why not be proactive with those thoughts. For example,

568
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 1: I get concerned about you know, the highest rate the

569
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 1: child that has kidnapped the most in Atlanta, it's black boys.

570
00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: That is a fact. You look it up. I'm not

571
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 1: going to sit back and hope no one kidnaps my son.

572
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 1: I'm going to teach my children tactics to avoid these things,

573
00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 1: and we're going to work on it all the time.

574
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,239
Speaker 1: And there's a reason why I feel like people like, man,

575
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 1: my dad just be talking all the time. Everything's a

576
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 1: lifeless everything. You know, everything isn't this everything? I just

577
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 1: like because there's so many different variables in life. If

578
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:15,840
Speaker 1: I see a chance to teach you about something, it

579
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 1: rids me of my anxiety that you may not know

580
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,360
Speaker 1: and have to figure out on your own. So I'm

581
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,320
Speaker 1: always in a constant state of teaching so that I

582
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: can feel comfortable when my children walk out in the

583
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 1: world that we've gone over this. And if I notice

584
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,080
Speaker 1: something or if I see something that would give me anxiety.

585
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,560
Speaker 1: I don't sit back and go I hope my sons

586
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,920
Speaker 1: don't go. No, it's like, yo, I'm worried about this, Jackson.

587
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,800
Speaker 1: Have you ever considered that this or have you ever

588
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:42,400
Speaker 1: worried about this? And he'll be like, I didn't think

589
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: about that. And I said, exactly, I'm thinking about it.

590
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,800
Speaker 1: What would you do if this were to happen? What

591
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,600
Speaker 1: would you what would be your plan? And he'll be like,

592
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. I said, well, let's come up with

593
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 1: a plan together. I feel like that may be the

594
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:57,000
Speaker 1: difference between and I don't want to say moms and

595
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,800
Speaker 1: dads because I don't think you can put a gender

596
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:03,880
Speaker 1: on how people handle situations. But I do notice that

597
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:08,040
Speaker 1: your mom is a warrior and you're a worrior. My

598
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 1: mother was a worrior. But my parents, my father, my uncle's,

599
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: my granddad were all proactive and being like, this may happen.

600
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: Let's discuss this. You know, like one of my kids,

601
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 1: he's well, not one of my kids, but one of

602
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 1: the kids I mentor a ton of my mentor seventy

603
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 1: five percent of them, or from single moms. Mom buys

604
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:34,239
Speaker 1: him a car, right buys him a car, gives him

605
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:38,040
Speaker 1: the car. Did you have any discussions with him about

606
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: this car? No, I'm just so worried about things. So

607
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 1: you just gave him a car. You didn't talk to

608
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: him about how to deal with police. You didn't talk

609
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,880
Speaker 1: to him what happens if if the car is like

610
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: all the variables. You didn't. You just gave him the car,

611
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,840
Speaker 1: and you're worried about it. That's why you have anxiety.

612
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,320
Speaker 1: When my father gave me the car, my father sat

613
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,520
Speaker 1: down with me for about eighteen hours, discussed every possibility

614
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 1: that could happen in this car, and by the end

615
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:05,840
Speaker 1: of it almost didn't want to call no more because

616
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 1: I was like, Bro, all that shit could happened, But

617
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,520
Speaker 1: now I'm prepared. He walked through every from from the

618
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:16,000
Speaker 1: motor to the transmission to the car, everything the wheels.

619
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 1: How do you know how to change the tire? You

620
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: know how to get to the tire, you know what

621
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,360
Speaker 1: the flat do? You know how? This didn't? And I'm

622
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 1: just like, bro, let me figure it out. But now

623
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:26,480
Speaker 1: I understand why that was his way of dealing with anxiety.

624
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:28,520
Speaker 1: And I feel like men have a different way of

625
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:32,880
Speaker 1: dealing with anxiety, mainly because it's always been put on

626
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:36,760
Speaker 1: us through social conditioning. That is your responsibility to make

627
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: sure make sure everything's okay. That that's what we're trained

628
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 1: to do, you know. And I feel like that's what's

629
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:45,240
Speaker 1: helped me in life. And things are changing now because

630
00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:47,400
Speaker 1: as women have been in the workforce, there are a

631
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,160
Speaker 1: lot more men who are preparing their daughters. It seem

632
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 1: like if I had a daughter, I'm not preparing my

633
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:57,479
Speaker 1: daughter like the old school. Wait, remember when we were right,

634
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 1: it was just like, well, figure it out because we did,

635
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,880
Speaker 1: which is crazy, Like you watch people who have children

636
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:08,440
Speaker 1: and it's like you have sons, and you prepare your

637
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:10,160
Speaker 1: sons for all of these things, and then when it's

638
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,280
Speaker 1: your daughter, just like you just don't. You just coddle

639
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,560
Speaker 1: them and keep them away from everything. And I was

640
00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:17,080
Speaker 1: talking to my grandfather about that and my aunts and uncles,

641
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:19,240
Speaker 1: and it was just like, yeah, they didn't have certain

642
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,160
Speaker 1: conversations with us as young women that they had with

643
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:24,520
Speaker 1: our brothers. And then it made me realize why so

644
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:26,800
Speaker 1: many women, for example, have anxiety. It's like you were

645
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 1: not even prepared. It was always like someone's going to

646
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 1: take care of you. The world's changing now, ye, women

647
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 1: don't want to be taking care of yeasts, like, oh,

648
00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:38,880
Speaker 1: I think my anxiety kicks up the most now too.

649
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:42,600
Speaker 1: Aside from the kids and just life and worrying about

650
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,200
Speaker 1: them as a mom, it's just also too knowing that

651
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:48,720
Speaker 1: shit has to get done and living in this space

652
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:52,200
Speaker 1: of people wanting instant gratification, right, like you have to

653
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 1: do something now. Everything could be very overwhelming, right absolutely,

654
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,120
Speaker 1: you know, you and I have realized that we've developed

655
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:01,719
Speaker 1: anxiety just even with our phones. Yes, Like I sometimes

656
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 1: seem like I hear my phone go off and I

657
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: literally my stomach starts to churn, you know, or I

658
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,839
Speaker 1: get an alert and I'm just like, oh my God,

659
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,840
Speaker 1: like no, right with demor what does we nicknamed or

660
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,320
Speaker 1: demor what is it now that we have? Which is

661
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,640
Speaker 1: a total blessing because it's always usually great stuff happening.

662
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:20,799
Speaker 1: But at the same time, it does not take away

663
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,440
Speaker 1: from the fact that it's just like, man, I have

664
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:25,080
Speaker 1: anxiety with just the fact that people need access to

665
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,560
Speaker 1: me now, and they want access when they want it,

666
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,880
Speaker 1: and God forbids you don't give them that access in

667
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,080
Speaker 1: that moment. It's just like, well, what happened to Cadeen?

668
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:33,880
Speaker 1: You know? I take a day or two off of

669
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,600
Speaker 1: social media people and messaging like is everything okay? And

670
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 1: it's that we've conditioned people into that yes, because it's

671
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:42,120
Speaker 1: crazy to me because it's now. It's like I feel

672
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:43,680
Speaker 1: like I'm in the space of now. I'm I have

673
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 1: to uncondition y'all because if I want my space and

674
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:48,640
Speaker 1: I want my peace, I want it in that moment

675
00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:51,520
Speaker 1: and it needs to be normalized that that's okay because

676
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,480
Speaker 1: I may be dealing with the high level anxiety on

677
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,320
Speaker 1: my end with everything else that I going on. But

678
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,680
Speaker 1: that's why phones have notifications. You can silence, that's exactly.

679
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 1: You can put those things aside and say I don't

680
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,279
Speaker 1: need to be checked on. I just need space and time.

681
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:07,200
Speaker 1: But I do appreciate people checking in because that means

682
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:09,839
Speaker 1: they're invested and not only what we can provide them

683
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 1: with entertainment, but also they're invested in our health and

684
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:16,040
Speaker 1: well being, which I appreciate the shout out to y'all

685
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:17,880
Speaker 1: for checking in on it for sure, for sure, But

686
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:19,680
Speaker 1: sometimes it's like, man, I just need it. I just

687
00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 1: need a moment. I just need a moment. There's a

688
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 1: lot of things that's struggling, so I want to look

689
00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:27,840
Speaker 1: at some of these myths, you know, because there's a

690
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:30,719
Speaker 1: good job of finding stuff for us to dissect and

691
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 1: see what we think. Because you know, it's great to

692
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: hear people's opinions about things, right, but everybody has an opinion.

693
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,680
Speaker 1: Let's see what's actually fact and what's real and what's not.

694
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,799
Speaker 1: So let's look at some of these myths. Number one,

695
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 1: anxiety is a choice or a personal problem. Many Black

696
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:47,239
Speaker 1: people believe that with the right attitude or prayer they

697
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:50,160
Speaker 1: can get rid of mental health. Mental health issues. Mental

698
00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:53,440
Speaker 1: health conditions are serious health problems that a person cannot

699
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 1: think or pray away. Let's talk about this, and this

700
00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:59,959
Speaker 1: is important for us to talk about it as people

701
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 1: who have faith, who've been raised through faith. Right, it

702
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:08,279
Speaker 1: is important for people to know being anxious it's very

703
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:14,239
Speaker 1: different than having anxiety. Right, Anxiety is a disorder, yes,

704
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:19,479
Speaker 1: that is people are medicated. Yes, anxiety disorder. And people

705
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,160
Speaker 1: need to understand the difference because what happens, especially in

706
00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: the Black community, is now you anxious, man, let go

707
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,560
Speaker 1: and let God. You know what I'm saying, Okay, if

708
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 1: I'm anxious, I can let go and let God. If

709
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:33,320
Speaker 1: I have anxiety, you know, that's that's something that's in

710
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:36,000
Speaker 1: me that needs to be addressed, and you can't pray

711
00:36:36,239 --> 00:36:38,640
Speaker 1: or hope that a way. And I think people need

712
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:42,080
Speaker 1: to understand the difference. The myth in the black community

713
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: is that if you pray and you meditate, God will

714
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 1: control all. But what they don't understand is anxiety a

715
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,360
Speaker 1: lot like depression, is a disorder that may be a

716
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:55,000
Speaker 1: chemical imbalance that you may have to go see a

717
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 1: doctor too. Yes, you may have to go see a

718
00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,799
Speaker 1: doctor to speak about and get addressed. Right. One thing

719
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,840
Speaker 1: Black people also hate is to hear about medication because,

720
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:07,480
Speaker 1: and it's important to understand the history, young Black men

721
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:10,400
Speaker 1: and women are medicated at a higher rate than any

722
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:14,000
Speaker 1: other demographic in the country. And they started this as

723
00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,560
Speaker 1: part of the look into the prison, the school, the

724
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,439
Speaker 1: prison pipeline. Right, it was at first as a child,

725
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,400
Speaker 1: they diagnosed you with a disorder, right, you ADHD or

726
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,560
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah. They give you medication. After

727
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 1: the medication, if it doesn't work, then you oftentimes get

728
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,120
Speaker 1: in trouble detention. They said. Detention often leads to the

729
00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:34,359
Speaker 1: detention center, which means that if you get young black

730
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,400
Speaker 1: people to be in trouble from earlier. You always have

731
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: a record of how their behavior is mismanaged, and it's

732
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:44,080
Speaker 1: easier to get them to prison from school. And because

733
00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:47,200
Speaker 1: of that whole dynamic and that whole system that has

734
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:50,640
Speaker 1: been created, black people are afraid one of doctors and

735
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,320
Speaker 1: two especially medication. And then think about the levels of

736
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 1: stress that we've had to deal with over years, like compounded,

737
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,800
Speaker 1: because when you look at anxiety as being a chemical imbalanced,

738
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 1: they say it can be caused by severe or long

739
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 1: lasting stress that literally changes the chemical balance that controls

740
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,879
Speaker 1: your mood. Absolutely, so that experiencing of stress over long

741
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:15,360
Speaker 1: periods of time is a direct correlation between anxiety disorder.

742
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:19,000
Speaker 1: And what people need to understand is why, why why

743
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,919
Speaker 1: does have to be raced all the time? Right? There's

744
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:25,160
Speaker 1: a reason why there have been systems in place since

745
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 1: we were brought over here in sixteen nineteen and some

746
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 1: of us before that that have not allowed us to

747
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:35,719
Speaker 1: flourish or even exist as regular human beings. Right, not

748
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:37,600
Speaker 1: to bore you with the Black history because I know

749
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:40,360
Speaker 1: it's Black History Month, but when you think about the

750
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:44,279
Speaker 1: enslavement of our people, then the Vagrancy Act, then Jim

751
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:48,879
Speaker 1: Crow Laws, segregation, then mass incarceration, the things that we've

752
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,239
Speaker 1: had to deal with to exist in this country, specifically,

753
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:56,760
Speaker 1: especially Black Americans, have created a PTSD because those systems

754
00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:00,000
Speaker 1: created the ghettos we lived in. Those systems have created

755
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,840
Speaker 1: the disenfranchising of our people that most of us have

756
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 1: known now to be normal. And if we created our

757
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 1: own communities, they were burned down exactly so, and it's

758
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:11,879
Speaker 1: important for you to talk about that because people say

759
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:14,560
Speaker 1: all the time, well, how come Black Americans haven't figured

760
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 1: out a way to pick themselves up by their bootstraps

761
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 1: and be successful. We have several times, and if you think,

762
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 1: if you go and google the drowned Cities, these are

763
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 1: drowned cities of African Americans who were successful, whose cities

764
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:32,280
Speaker 1: were either bombed, burned down, and then drowned to create

765
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 1: other opportunities for white settlers who were here. So this

766
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,319
Speaker 1: whole idea that black people just need to figure out

767
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 1: on their own how to get themselves out of their

768
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:45,160
Speaker 1: plight is just not real. And that also attributes to

769
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 1: the PTSD because there's always this fear when you exist

770
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:52,520
Speaker 1: in America that my blackness is going to be my

771
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 1: downfall because someone else doesn't want me to be successful,

772
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 1: and that is a real fear, and when you were

773
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 1: born with that fear, even the discussion you have to

774
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:04,480
Speaker 1: have with your children about being black in America and

775
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:08,280
Speaker 1: dealing with police. When you listen to other demographics except

776
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,759
Speaker 1: for brown people, of course, you know Latin X people

777
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:15,439
Speaker 1: have had similar situations, especially more recently in America, dealing

778
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,440
Speaker 1: with the same ghettos and stuff like that. But the

779
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:25,279
Speaker 1: causation of everything that we've been through now after four

780
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:27,320
Speaker 1: hundred years of the enslavement of our people and the

781
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:32,600
Speaker 1: disenfranchising our people, have created a realistic anxiety. And it

782
00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:36,799
Speaker 1: all stands from our living situations. For example, you don't

783
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,359
Speaker 1: grow up on a farm watching your parents build their

784
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,359
Speaker 1: own business. You grow up in the ghettos. You live

785
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 1: in cities where we're on top of each other. If

786
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:47,880
Speaker 1: you had to live in an apartment building or a

787
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:51,320
Speaker 1: project house, you have someone on top of you, underneath,

788
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:54,000
Speaker 1: to your right, into your left, simple things, waiting for

789
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:57,600
Speaker 1: the elevator, alternate side of the street, parking, dealing with

790
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:02,440
Speaker 1: violence and poverty and militarization of the police outside of

791
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:05,680
Speaker 1: your home. That is not normal. People don't have to

792
00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 1: live like that. But in the black communities a lot

793
00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:10,560
Speaker 1: of times just like, oh, that's just that's just flatbush,

794
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:13,560
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Yeah, you know what I'm

795
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 1: saying that having that conversation with my parents, are yo,

796
00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:18,200
Speaker 1: tuck your chaining when you go down here, or don't

797
00:41:18,239 --> 00:41:20,400
Speaker 1: wear this color when you go in that neighborhood because

798
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,640
Speaker 1: those are things that cause anxiety. Oh, for sure, he

799
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:25,880
Speaker 1: just can't exist freely. You know what I found pretty

800
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:29,480
Speaker 1: interesting too when I looked up like what's the anxiety

801
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:34,200
Speaker 1: disorder and like what group or demographic has it more

802
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 1: likely than others? It's usually women in adults under the

803
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,680
Speaker 1: age of thirty five. I think about even just now,

804
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:41,680
Speaker 1: that was a report that was done in twenty sixteen,

805
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,320
Speaker 1: so we were in the thick of things when it

806
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 1: came to social media, right, So I think about the

807
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:49,560
Speaker 1: added layer, Oh what social media causes on that demographic.

808
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:54,280
Speaker 1: Because you are now having access as teenagers to social media,

809
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,800
Speaker 1: you're trying to figure out who you are, find yourself

810
00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:02,440
Speaker 1: with this oversaturated market of information that's in your face daily,

811
00:42:03,239 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 1: you can understand why there's a direct correlation between the

812
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:10,080
Speaker 1: increase of anxiety disorder amongst people under thirty five. We're

813
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 1: still trying to figure it out. Like I think my

814
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:14,320
Speaker 1: anxiety in addition to becoming a parent at least and

815
00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:17,200
Speaker 1: some markets have started to kind of tank as I

816
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,799
Speaker 1: became surer of myself, like I know who I am,

817
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,080
Speaker 1: you know, for the most part at this age, depending

818
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 1: on the day, but I know who I am, so

819
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,480
Speaker 1: that anxiety that I have about certain things when it

820
00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:29,640
Speaker 1: comes to career or just life or work, I can

821
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 1: navigate a little bit more freely around. But that under

822
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: thirty five demographic, I feel bad. Yeah, it's going to

823
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 1: be a tough time trying to figure out who they

824
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 1: are because you're in a constant state of comparing your

825
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 1: real life to someone else's highlight reel because that's what

826
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,880
Speaker 1: you want. Sides. On top of that, you're being fed

827
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:54,279
Speaker 1: a lot of negativity for sure, you know, like when

828
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 1: we were growing up, you had to look and search

829
00:42:56,239 --> 00:42:58,279
Speaker 1: and find things. But when you have this phone now

830
00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 1: you can just open it up, and now you're being

831
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,360
Speaker 1: fed so many thoughts and ideas that can create anxiety.

832
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:04,840
Speaker 1: Think about when we had to put a cap on

833
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:08,760
Speaker 1: Jackson with YouTube watching yes, because he was watching sports

834
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,240
Speaker 1: highlights and he was starting to get into this rabbit

835
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 1: hole of injuries, yes, and watching people get injuries. Yes,

836
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:16,800
Speaker 1: And then he would go to play a game or

837
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 1: go to work out and he'd be timid and we're

838
00:43:18,719 --> 00:43:20,920
Speaker 1: just like, bro, why, We were like, why doesn't he

839
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:23,279
Speaker 1: have that like dog in him? Where's that? And it's

840
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,560
Speaker 1: because he's playing timid because he's like, oh, I saw

841
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 1: such and such did this crossover and he rolled his

842
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:31,000
Speaker 1: ankle and now he's out. And that's literally what was

843
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:35,120
Speaker 1: consuming him. Yes, playing in fear because he feared injury. Yeah.

844
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:37,680
Speaker 1: So I'm like, bro, that information that's being fed to

845
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,719
Speaker 1: you is going to become your reality. At some point

846
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 1: you have to We had to stop that. Yes. And

847
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,279
Speaker 1: it's important for parents to also making sure that they're

848
00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:46,600
Speaker 1: tuning in to what their children are watching and stuff,

849
00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:49,520
Speaker 1: because it can be hard and it can seem impossible

850
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:52,040
Speaker 1: sometimes with as much access as they have. And you

851
00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:55,840
Speaker 1: know what's crazy, the older generation felt like that with

852
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:58,960
Speaker 1: us when it came to television and then when it

853
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,600
Speaker 1: came to computers. So it's like every generation, as technology

854
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:04,719
Speaker 1: gets better, which is supposed to be for the enhancement

855
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 1: of human the human race, there's always this fear that

856
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: with the greater the technology the greater the anxiety because

857
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,719
Speaker 1: now you have access to too much information, and that

858
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:18,200
Speaker 1: overload of information, if you don't have the emotional capacity

859
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:21,239
Speaker 1: to understand what it is or the mental fort two

860
00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:25,760
Speaker 1: to what's the world, I can think to filter it properly,

861
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: it can be overwhelming and cause anxiety. And like I

862
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:32,760
Speaker 1: said before, does it cause you to be anxious? Actually

863
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:37,400
Speaker 1: cause anxiety? And I think we as parents have to

864
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:39,880
Speaker 1: learn how to manage that with our kids and even ourselves.

865
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 1: For sure. For sure I know how to spot it too, right,

866
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:45,680
Speaker 1: because we said the manifests itself differently in different people.

867
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:49,799
Speaker 1: So here's some other myths. Psychological differences are natural, that's

868
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:53,520
Speaker 1: the myth. The truth is some psychological ailments, such as anxiety,

869
00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:55,920
Speaker 1: can be brought on by environmental factors, which is what

870
00:44:56,040 --> 00:45:02,960
Speaker 1: we talked about. Black children do not experience mental health problems.

871
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,720
Speaker 1: That is a myth. Children can and do phase mental

872
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,239
Speaker 1: health issues. Yeah, that is important for people to understand.

873
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:12,680
Speaker 1: Stop thinking your children are lying. But that's also too

874
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:14,920
Speaker 1: why I feel like you need to have the conversations

875
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:17,040
Speaker 1: over and over again with your kids, like you need

876
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:20,239
Speaker 1: to investigate how they feel. You need to talk about it,

877
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 1: because no longer are we doing the whole kids need

878
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:24,799
Speaker 1: to be seen and not heard thing. And some people

879
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,120
Speaker 1: may not agree with that, but for us, at least

880
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 1: we know within this household, it is important for all

881
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,440
Speaker 1: of our voice to feel like they are allowed to

882
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,359
Speaker 1: be vocal, that we can hear them, we can help

883
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:37,120
Speaker 1: them kind of dissect their feelings and what they're going

884
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:40,000
Speaker 1: through in certain moments, Like that's super important as parents

885
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:41,800
Speaker 1: to be able to kind of help them build that

886
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,440
Speaker 1: emotional compass, if you will, with how to deal with

887
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 1: their feelings. But I also think that understanding that anxiety

888
00:45:51,360 --> 00:45:54,040
Speaker 1: is not all natural, that it's also nurture, parents can

889
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:57,440
Speaker 1: also learn to do a better job to not create anxiety.

890
00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:00,359
Speaker 1: And you know what I'm saying, Like we we even

891
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 1: talk about that with your Literally, my mom is a warrior,

892
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:09,600
Speaker 1: she is a worrior. She's always gonna work, she's always

893
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:11,719
Speaker 1: gonna think the worst. Like that's just how she's always been.

894
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,359
Speaker 1: And I might have inherently got some of that from her.

895
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:16,799
Speaker 1: But she helps us a great deal in the morning,

896
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:19,640
Speaker 1: for example, with getting the boys ready for school. And

897
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:22,680
Speaker 1: my philosophy is when we're getting the boys out the

898
00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:24,400
Speaker 1: door in the morning, I want them to leave the

899
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:28,280
Speaker 1: house feeling invigorated and feeling like they can tackle the world.

900
00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:30,320
Speaker 1: And anytime they're walking through the door, the first the

901
00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:32,279
Speaker 1: last thing I say to them is go be great today,

902
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:34,840
Speaker 1: Like that's what I want for them. But I realize

903
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:37,440
Speaker 1: that sometimes in the morning, like you know, it's just

904
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,799
Speaker 1: the looking at the clock, you have three different kids

905
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: to get ready. Who needs lunch, who needs what? And

906
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:45,480
Speaker 1: sometimes my mom gets a little flustered, you know, and

907
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:49,359
Speaker 1: her being flustered, in turn makes the boys flustered, right,

908
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,040
Speaker 1: And this is how they're starting their day, and this

909
00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:54,560
Speaker 1: is what they're taking to school with it. I feel

910
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 1: like we need to set the tone when they leave

911
00:46:57,280 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 1: the house first thing in the morning, to set them

912
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,719
Speaker 1: up for success because they're battling and tackling so many

913
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:04,399
Speaker 1: things when they finally get out there in the world.

914
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:07,040
Speaker 1: You know. So I'd say to her sometimes like okay, relax,

915
00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:09,120
Speaker 1: Like okay, they're running five ten minutes behind. It's all right,

916
00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:11,319
Speaker 1: it's all right, we'll be fine. We'll make it up

917
00:47:11,440 --> 00:47:13,120
Speaker 1: on the ride to school. Or you know, there's little

918
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:16,120
Speaker 1: ways to just kind of help to deflect, you know,

919
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:21,040
Speaker 1: that excitement, so that way the boys don't absorb all that.

920
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,480
Speaker 1: So before we go take a break. So we gotta

921
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 1: take a break before you get to listen to letters.

922
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:31,319
Speaker 1: I want to talk about what we do to help

923
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:36,200
Speaker 1: remove anxiety from our lives. Right. I know for a

924
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:39,160
Speaker 1: fact one thing I am big on is I don't

925
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:43,160
Speaker 1: ever want my wife to deal with anxiety. My focus

926
00:47:43,400 --> 00:47:45,520
Speaker 1: was to create I don't want to say soft, but

927
00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:47,919
Speaker 1: create the softest life I could so that my wife

928
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:50,960
Speaker 1: could be free and live comfortably. Same thing from my children.

929
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 1: Do you think about that as a wife, like, how

930
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:58,239
Speaker 1: were you going to remove anxiety from the house for

931
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:01,560
Speaker 1: your husband? Absolutely? I think I've been thinking about it

932
00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:04,880
Speaker 1: more recently too, because a lot of it for me,

933
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,800
Speaker 1: I realize has become like an attitude shift or picking

934
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:13,520
Speaker 1: my approach to certain things. For example, we had a

935
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:16,200
Speaker 1: crazy twenty twenty two. I had to pack at one

936
00:48:16,239 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 1: point for all six of us to do this travel show. Yes,

937
00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:21,880
Speaker 1: you remember that was a lot, and it was a lot,

938
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:23,680
Speaker 1: a lot going on. There was a lot of travel,

939
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:25,080
Speaker 1: a lot of back and forth, a lot of packing,

940
00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:29,320
Speaker 1: unpacking and repacking. And I remember coming to you and

941
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,480
Speaker 1: being like, have to pack for all these kids, and

942
00:48:31,520 --> 00:48:32,840
Speaker 1: I have all this stuff and I can't find this

943
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:34,360
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to do that. Da da da, And

944
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:38,360
Speaker 1: Ivo was just like, I understand, okay, but a this

945
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:41,600
Speaker 1: is your task, because we all had our tasks right

946
00:48:41,719 --> 00:48:46,839
Speaker 1: to you that this is your task. Two, we're doing

947
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,560
Speaker 1: a travel show with our kids, Like, this is an

948
00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:51,680
Speaker 1: awesome opportunity for us to go and have a good

949
00:48:51,719 --> 00:48:54,560
Speaker 1: time with the boys. You complained about not spending enough

950
00:48:54,600 --> 00:48:56,759
Speaker 1: time with them when we travel. We are traveling on

951
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:59,880
Speaker 1: a show with the boys. How about you take the

952
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,640
Speaker 1: approach of you know what, I'm gonna throw some outfits

953
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:04,200
Speaker 1: in there. I just can't wait to get to wherever

954
00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:05,759
Speaker 1: I'm getting too. As long as I have my boys

955
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 1: and my husband with me, who cares what we're wearing, right,

956
00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:10,200
Speaker 1: you know? And I was just like, you know what,

957
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: You're absolutely right about that. So notice how I've been

958
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 1: times that we've had to pack it. I don't complain

959
00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:20,400
Speaker 1: about that stuff. My husband. Okay, I know he's about

960
00:49:20,440 --> 00:49:22,920
Speaker 1: to go film, so he needs to be in the

961
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,800
Speaker 1: best shape possible. Am I going to add to his

962
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:29,520
Speaker 1: stress and anxiety by throwing a fit every time he says, okay,

963
00:49:30,040 --> 00:49:31,400
Speaker 1: you know we are the time we're going to the

964
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 1: gym today because we know we're trying to do this together.

965
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:35,000
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get myself in shape. You're trying to

966
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:37,359
Speaker 1: get yourself in shape. So how do I now make

967
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:40,279
Speaker 1: it an easier situation for both of us by not

968
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:43,399
Speaker 1: adding stress and worry to you having to worry about

969
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 1: me in a moment where you're trying to take care

970
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:47,880
Speaker 1: of yourself. You know what I'm saying. I get it.

971
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:50,800
Speaker 1: So it's all about your approach to every situation. I

972
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:54,719
Speaker 1: approach the situations if I can control my approach and

973
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:58,320
Speaker 1: really just be like Kadeen, are you over here throwing

974
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:01,600
Speaker 1: a fit about something that a other people would love

975
00:50:01,719 --> 00:50:06,400
Speaker 1: to have the opportunity to do or be your You

976
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,239
Speaker 1: can set the tone for your family and your kids

977
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:11,239
Speaker 1: and your husband and the way they feel in this moment.

978
00:50:11,680 --> 00:50:14,719
Speaker 1: Why not just choose to do that? Some things became

979
00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:18,040
Speaker 1: a choice for me. So ultimately you just choosing to

980
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:22,440
Speaker 1: not project your anxiousness right onto the people around you

981
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:25,200
Speaker 1: that you love. Yeah, and then an attempt to remove

982
00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:27,959
Speaker 1: all aspects of anxiety that could exist in the house,

983
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:31,680
Speaker 1: and then not having that anxiousness projected back on you

984
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:34,839
Speaker 1: but myself, right even just for myself right, because I'm

985
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:36,840
Speaker 1: finding ways to deal with my anxiety. I could alleviate

986
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:39,480
Speaker 1: anxiety from you guys, and then just take it all

987
00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:40,879
Speaker 1: on myself and be like, oh my god, I'm gonna

988
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:43,319
Speaker 1: crumble inside because I've taken it off of everyone else.

989
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:45,960
Speaker 1: But I realized a lot of my anxiety was coming

990
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:49,400
Speaker 1: from feeling overwhelmed and feeling not prepared. And when I

991
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:51,560
Speaker 1: just took the approach of like, Okay, things are going

992
00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:53,239
Speaker 1: to get done and the time it needs to get done,

993
00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,840
Speaker 1: let me reprioritize, let me figure some things out, let

994
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:59,439
Speaker 1: me delegate, let me ask for help when needed, then

995
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:06,040
Speaker 1: anxiety levels tended to decrease. Oh I see, I see.

996
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 1: It's funny to hear you talk about certain things because

997
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:10,520
Speaker 1: we don't really have discussed this. You just see changes

998
00:51:10,920 --> 00:51:12,800
Speaker 1: and you're like, what be your thought process here? But

999
00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:14,360
Speaker 1: now I see because I was kind of I was

1000
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 1: even talking in trouble last night, and I was just like,

1001
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:19,239
Speaker 1: if you notice, couldeine being a gym? Like she was

1002
00:51:19,280 --> 00:51:20,960
Speaker 1: just going in by herself wearing the past. I had

1003
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:22,719
Speaker 1: to be on her about being in a gym, and

1004
00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:25,239
Speaker 1: then it becomes an argument. But that also goes to

1005
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:27,560
Speaker 1: the nurture, right. I remember, I just apologized to you

1006
00:51:28,120 --> 00:51:31,160
Speaker 1: the other day because I realized how much I was

1007
00:51:31,239 --> 00:51:34,719
Speaker 1: probably causing you anxiousness, which could lead to anxiety because

1008
00:51:34,719 --> 00:51:37,600
Speaker 1: I was just on you about everything, and a lot

1009
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:41,719
Speaker 1: of times that came from insecurities in myself and be projecting.

1010
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:46,360
Speaker 1: For example, um, when we were having financial issues everything,

1011
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:50,600
Speaker 1: you should take me off like always on edge. So

1012
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:52,880
Speaker 1: because I'm on edge and you're the closest person to me,

1013
00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:55,560
Speaker 1: the only way I could like alleviate some of that

1014
00:51:55,800 --> 00:51:57,919
Speaker 1: was to pretty much projected on you like you seem

1015
00:51:57,960 --> 00:52:00,680
Speaker 1: like you was blamed for everything, and I had apologized

1016
00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:02,280
Speaker 1: to you about that too. It's like that I'm probably

1017
00:52:02,320 --> 00:52:05,399
Speaker 1: created so much anxiety and my wife because she felt

1018
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:07,480
Speaker 1: like she couldn't do anything right because no matter what

1019
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 1: she was doing, it was wrong and it literally had

1020
00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:12,640
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. In a moment, it was

1021
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:15,880
Speaker 1: just thank you for acknowledging that because a lot of

1022
00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:17,680
Speaker 1: anxiety came from me trying to keep up with you.

1023
00:52:18,200 --> 00:52:20,520
Speaker 1: I get it. I get it, and I think that

1024
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:23,160
Speaker 1: helps too in relationships when you can realize, like dang,

1025
00:52:23,640 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: I created a very unhealthy, unsafe space for my partner

1026
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:31,520
Speaker 1: because I just put so much anxiousness on them, and

1027
00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 1: to be honest, man, it's just there's no need for it.

1028
00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:37,080
Speaker 1: But until you learn how to cope with your own

1029
00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 1: anxiousness or anxiety, you tend to just throw it on

1030
00:52:40,719 --> 00:52:43,320
Speaker 1: other people. You know. I feel like this because of you,

1031
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:46,080
Speaker 1: And I realized that that's what I was doing, you know,

1032
00:52:46,239 --> 00:52:49,160
Speaker 1: from like my twenties, like my early thirties, when I

1033
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:50,840
Speaker 1: was trying to figure things out, and that fear of

1034
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:53,640
Speaker 1: not knowing, or that that fear of the unknown and

1035
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:55,800
Speaker 1: not knowing how to get through certain things. It was

1036
00:52:55,800 --> 00:52:57,840
Speaker 1: just like, I feel this way because of you. I

1037
00:52:57,920 --> 00:52:59,839
Speaker 1: can handle everything I can control. Of your the reason

1038
00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:01,640
Speaker 1: why I feel like this, But think about it. You

1039
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:03,640
Speaker 1: had asked me recently. I think you had said something

1040
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 1: to like me at some point, and I might have

1041
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:08,040
Speaker 1: gotten like terry eyed about it. And then you had

1042
00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:11,080
Speaker 1: said something to Jackson and he started to cry. And

1043
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:13,600
Speaker 1: then I forget who else you were talking to about something,

1044
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,520
Speaker 1: and they also got emotional, and it was mom or

1045
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,960
Speaker 1: denor or something like. They got emotional and you were

1046
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:20,560
Speaker 1: just like, yo, why is it that every time I

1047
00:53:20,719 --> 00:53:23,480
Speaker 1: just express how I feel to someone, they get terry

1048
00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:25,360
Speaker 1: eyed and they want to cry. And I was like,

1049
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:28,400
Speaker 1: because like we feel like a like we're disappointing you,

1050
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:31,560
Speaker 1: like we're not adequate enough, Like we're not reaching to

1051
00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:34,000
Speaker 1: your level or standard of excellence. And we know that

1052
00:53:34,080 --> 00:53:36,919
Speaker 1: you're excellent because you've proven to be excellent. So it's

1053
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:39,960
Speaker 1: like you have everyone around you trying to, you know,

1054
00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:43,080
Speaker 1: meet you where you are, and if you fall short,

1055
00:53:43,160 --> 00:53:45,000
Speaker 1: you're just like damn, You're feeling like you're just being

1056
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:48,239
Speaker 1: in disappointment, and that creates a level of anxiety in

1057
00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:50,480
Speaker 1: the people around you, because we just want to be

1058
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:52,200
Speaker 1: able to be good enough. We want to be able

1059
00:53:52,280 --> 00:53:53,759
Speaker 1: to make you proud. We want to be able to

1060
00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:57,640
Speaker 1: match the efforts that you put out, which we've seen

1061
00:53:57,760 --> 00:54:00,920
Speaker 1: have made you so successful, you know. So that also

1062
00:54:01,040 --> 00:54:03,360
Speaker 1: was adding a layer of anxiety, I think when we

1063
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:06,520
Speaker 1: look at dissecting like us, the kids, the household and stuff.

1064
00:54:06,840 --> 00:54:08,520
Speaker 1: So it was also it was also the pressure I

1065
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,680
Speaker 1: was putting on everyone else to meet the standard right

1066
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,600
Speaker 1: and continue in the process the same way I did

1067
00:54:14,640 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 1: the process exactly. I think that was the greatest thing.

1068
00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:19,480
Speaker 1: I think when you realize, okay, everything can be attainable,

1069
00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:22,800
Speaker 1: but everyone has a different process, then it was like, oh, okay,

1070
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:26,240
Speaker 1: so everything's gonna get done. Maybe not in the manner

1071
00:54:26,239 --> 00:54:28,560
Speaker 1: of time frame that you would do, but it's gonna

1072
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:30,640
Speaker 1: get done, you know. And once we realize that, then

1073
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:34,080
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, everyone's moving, you know, according to how

1074
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:39,000
Speaker 1: they see fit. And the balls weren't getting dropped well,

1075
00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:45,439
Speaker 1: I mean balls always getting dropped in this house. Well, yeah,

1076
00:54:46,719 --> 00:54:48,400
Speaker 1: you know, that's one thing I'm never anxious about it.

1077
00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,160
Speaker 1: All Right, y'all, We're gonna go take a quick break

1078
00:54:52,239 --> 00:54:54,839
Speaker 1: and pay a couple bills, and we will get back

1079
00:54:54,960 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 1: into listener letters when we return. All right, y'all, we're

1080
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:12,200
Speaker 1: back with listener letters. I'm gonna dive ride in. Hey, y'all,

1081
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,320
Speaker 1: I am a new listener and I've been listening to

1082
00:55:14,600 --> 00:55:18,240
Speaker 1: I've been listening to binge listening at work, been binge

1083
00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:21,560
Speaker 1: listening at work. Love you guys, connection and how you

1084
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:25,120
Speaker 1: both love each other. But I need y'all help. I'm

1085
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:27,560
Speaker 1: twenty eight and I have one child. I've been dating

1086
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:29,960
Speaker 1: this guy for going on three years. I know, shit

1087
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:33,080
Speaker 1: weird and makes no sense. Probably, Oh no, you've been

1088
00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:35,720
Speaker 1: dating for three years. He's thirty one with no kids.

1089
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:38,280
Speaker 1: Prior to dealing with him. I just got of a physically,

1090
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:42,680
Speaker 1: emotionally and financially abusive relationship with my child's father four

1091
00:55:42,800 --> 00:55:46,640
Speaker 1: years and never once I believed claimed he claimed me

1092
00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:51,279
Speaker 1: to be his girlfriend. Things with this guy have been good, great,

1093
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:54,279
Speaker 1: even I'm happy on all levels. I know for sure

1094
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:57,600
Speaker 1: I'm the only person he talks to, and I only

1095
00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:00,239
Speaker 1: talk to him. We talk about the future, we go

1096
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:03,960
Speaker 1: on dates, vacations, etc. But he says he doesn't want

1097
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:08,400
Speaker 1: a relationship due to trust issues from his past. But

1098
00:56:08,520 --> 00:56:10,480
Speaker 1: here we are, three years later. I feel kind of

1099
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:14,600
Speaker 1: foolish for waiting around without certainty, but I don't really

1100
00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:16,920
Speaker 1: have a reason to walk away. He wants to go

1101
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:20,280
Speaker 1: with the flow, but I've been flowing and just curious

1102
00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:22,239
Speaker 1: when and if I should start pressing the issue. I

1103
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:24,719
Speaker 1: told him I loved him, and he set it back

1104
00:56:25,080 --> 00:56:27,759
Speaker 1: and I expressed that he felt the same, but he's

1105
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:31,680
Speaker 1: still not emotionally But he is still emotionally not expressive,

1106
00:56:31,840 --> 00:56:35,120
Speaker 1: so I just stopped saying it to see if he

1107
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:40,239
Speaker 1: would hasn't happened. We're private, but not secretive. He's only

1108
00:56:40,360 --> 00:56:44,800
Speaker 1: met my son. I've met no family. He says he

1109
00:56:44,880 --> 00:56:47,200
Speaker 1: doesn't bring girlfriends around. He met my son for the

1110
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:49,759
Speaker 1: first time this Christmas by his choice, and brought him

1111
00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:53,160
Speaker 1: thoughtful gifts. But I'm just genuinely confused because he doesn't

1112
00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:56,239
Speaker 1: vocalize his feelings towards me. What should I do or

1113
00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:58,320
Speaker 1: what can I do to get him to be a

1114
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:04,359
Speaker 1: little bit more comfortable pressing this is what I feel.

1115
00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:09,520
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like she's tiptoeing, and it's

1116
00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:11,120
Speaker 1: like I should try. What should I say? When is

1117
00:57:11,160 --> 00:57:13,839
Speaker 1: the right time? This is the season I'm in. I'm

1118
00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:16,320
Speaker 1: telling people how I feel, what I need, what I desire,

1119
00:57:16,360 --> 00:57:18,800
Speaker 1: and I'm asking the same thing in real time. If

1120
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:22,040
Speaker 1: we are in alignment, let's rob If we're not in alignment,

1121
00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:23,920
Speaker 1: let's both make the choice to do what's best for

1122
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 1: either one of us. Like the whole idea that there's

1123
00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:28,360
Speaker 1: a certain time or this is the right way, No,

1124
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:31,360
Speaker 1: this is your life. You have one inaliable right, and

1125
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:34,640
Speaker 1: that's to survive by any means necessary and have fun

1126
00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:36,920
Speaker 1: doing it. If you feel a certain way, if you

1127
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:40,280
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable, express it to him and how he responds.

1128
00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:44,080
Speaker 1: Take it for what it is. Accept it. If he

1129
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:46,000
Speaker 1: tells you who he is, don't be upset, don't judgment.

1130
00:57:46,160 --> 00:57:48,320
Speaker 1: Be like Okay, cool. If it works for you, we're here.

1131
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:51,439
Speaker 1: If it's not, we move on. Yeah, Because I'm also

1132
00:57:51,480 --> 00:57:53,440
Speaker 1: wondering what exactly it is you're looking for, because you

1133
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:55,160
Speaker 1: didn't really express it in here. Are you looking to

1134
00:57:55,400 --> 00:57:57,720
Speaker 1: be exclusive? Are you looking to are you dating with

1135
00:57:57,760 --> 00:58:01,920
Speaker 1: the potential for marriage right? What exactly is your desire

1136
00:58:02,040 --> 00:58:04,800
Speaker 1: here too? Are you just wanting him to express how

1137
00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:07,160
Speaker 1: he feels so you can move forward accordingly or not?

1138
00:58:07,560 --> 00:58:09,320
Speaker 1: I think you need to have a clear vision or

1139
00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:13,000
Speaker 1: clear image of what you want first, and after having

1140
00:58:13,040 --> 00:58:15,320
Speaker 1: conversations with him, does it align or does it not?

1141
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:17,360
Speaker 1: Because one thing you got to do is believe people

1142
00:58:17,400 --> 00:58:19,400
Speaker 1: when they tell you who they are. And you can't

1143
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:21,480
Speaker 1: try to convince him otherwise. If he's saying that he

1144
00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:23,400
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't want

1145
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:26,240
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, you can't convince him of that.

1146
00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:30,280
Speaker 1: He needs to be convinced or changed and that he decides, yes,

1147
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:32,760
Speaker 1: I do want to embark in a relationship that's exclusive,

1148
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:36,280
Speaker 1: and then you can join him in that. Stop trying

1149
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:37,920
Speaker 1: to change people's minds. I think that's what a lot

1150
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:39,880
Speaker 1: of people nowadays try to do, is feel like if

1151
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:41,840
Speaker 1: I double down, or if I pivot this way, or

1152
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:43,880
Speaker 1: if I say that, if I do that, it's gonna

1153
00:58:43,880 --> 00:58:45,840
Speaker 1: make this person change your mind and get on board.

1154
00:58:46,200 --> 00:58:48,920
Speaker 1: Someone's not gonna get on board a train that never

1155
00:58:49,080 --> 00:58:51,080
Speaker 1: was going to reach the destination they wanted in the beginning.

1156
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:54,680
Speaker 1: So yeah, speak with him, have the conversation, but no

1157
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:58,680
Speaker 1: exactly what you want out of it, and don't waiver

1158
00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:01,600
Speaker 1: in that may not be the right match for you.

1159
00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:04,280
Speaker 1: If that's the case, I agree with that. Good luck

1160
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:08,680
Speaker 1: to you. Hey, Codeine and de Val, what's up. I'm

1161
00:59:08,720 --> 00:59:11,440
Speaker 1: a young woman aged twenty three in a monogamous relationship

1162
00:59:11,520 --> 00:59:14,520
Speaker 1: with a young man aged twenty y'all, babies, I love

1163
00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:16,800
Speaker 1: y'all and have put him onto y'all as well. We

1164
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,120
Speaker 1: pre ordered hard copies of your book to read together.

1165
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,920
Speaker 1: Our relationship is fairly new. Our one year anniversary is

1166
00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:26,640
Speaker 1: in February. We have almost completely different personalities and outlooks

1167
00:59:26,680 --> 00:59:29,440
Speaker 1: on life, but somehow find ourselves having the same goals.

1168
00:59:29,760 --> 00:59:32,960
Speaker 1: We find ourselves in clashes about the smaller things more

1169
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:36,080
Speaker 1: than big things. Although our relationship is new, we have

1170
00:59:36,200 --> 00:59:38,480
Speaker 1: both stated we want longevity for a lifetime and to

1171
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:41,880
Speaker 1: build a family. Even though growing pains be whooping our ass,

1172
00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:45,439
Speaker 1: been there through everything. I take consideration of him first

1173
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:47,360
Speaker 1: with whatever I do. I feel as if he doesn't

1174
00:59:47,400 --> 00:59:49,880
Speaker 1: do the same for me. What advice can you give

1175
00:59:50,480 --> 00:59:54,160
Speaker 1: as we continue this journey when we're feeling unconsidered as

1176
00:59:54,240 --> 00:59:57,600
Speaker 1: well as for a healthy relationship. Wow, that's literally like

1177
00:59:57,720 --> 01:00:00,640
Speaker 1: looking at Val and I back at that age. One

1178
01:00:00,760 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 1: year in is no time zero. Give each other grace

1179
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:07,880
Speaker 1: to figure out how to love each other and who

1180
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:10,920
Speaker 1: you are. Yes, yes, you have to figure out who

1181
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:15,600
Speaker 1: he's twenty you're twenty three, like he can't even drink yet?

1182
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:19,920
Speaker 1: Figured out right, y'all, haven't I look at myself? I

1183
01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:22,600
Speaker 1: just told kay this the other day. I was listening

1184
01:00:22,840 --> 01:00:25,600
Speaker 1: to the audiobook as we were recording it, and I

1185
01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:27,880
Speaker 1: said to Codein, I don't know what you saw in

1186
01:00:27,960 --> 01:00:30,360
Speaker 1: me at twenty two, because I did. I don't like

1187
01:00:30,520 --> 01:00:33,200
Speaker 1: who I was then looking at it now, I don't

1188
01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:36,440
Speaker 1: know how she could ever like me. So give each

1189
01:00:36,480 --> 01:00:39,480
Speaker 1: other grace, Be open and honest about what you want

1190
01:00:39,520 --> 01:00:41,000
Speaker 1: and what you need in real time. This is what

1191
01:00:41,120 --> 01:00:42,880
Speaker 1: Codeine and I've been doing from the beginning. I told

1192
01:00:42,880 --> 01:00:45,040
Speaker 1: her I didn't want to be a boyfriend. She told

1193
01:00:45,080 --> 01:00:47,120
Speaker 1: me she didn't want to be someone's girlfriend, so he

1194
01:00:47,200 --> 01:00:49,640
Speaker 1: was like, okay, cool, let's have fun. And through that

1195
01:00:49,760 --> 01:00:52,240
Speaker 1: process of having fun, we loved. We learned how to

1196
01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:55,200
Speaker 1: love each other. And there were times where we didn't

1197
01:00:55,200 --> 01:00:57,320
Speaker 1: love each other the same way at the same time,

1198
01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,920
Speaker 1: and we expressed that to each other and we figured

1199
01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:02,560
Speaker 1: out how to make it work. So give each other time, grace,

1200
01:01:03,040 --> 01:01:06,760
Speaker 1: but talk openly. Yeah, for sure, like lots of conversations.

1201
01:01:06,840 --> 01:01:12,320
Speaker 1: What was not brutal honesty? Um? Oh, shoot, wouldn't you

1202
01:01:12,440 --> 01:01:16,360
Speaker 1: just say radical transparency? And I love that. Shout out

1203
01:01:16,360 --> 01:01:20,440
Speaker 1: to Tiffany and Leja radical transparenci transparency. Yes. And the

1204
01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:23,080
Speaker 1: reason why it's called radical transparency because the truth doesn't

1205
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:26,320
Speaker 1: have to be brutal, but it can be radical in

1206
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:28,400
Speaker 1: the fact that most people don't like telling the truth.

1207
01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:31,400
Speaker 1: And that's the only reason why it's called radical. And

1208
01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:33,880
Speaker 1: it's transparency because that's how you feel. Let them see

1209
01:01:34,040 --> 01:01:37,520
Speaker 1: right through you. Be like yourself, don't be like anybody else,

1210
01:01:37,600 --> 01:01:39,120
Speaker 1: do it, baby, And I don't know. It's hard to

1211
01:01:39,200 --> 01:01:41,360
Speaker 1: try to grow as individuals and together at the same

1212
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:43,760
Speaker 1: time while you're trying to figure things out. So just

1213
01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:46,520
Speaker 1: take your time, baby, take your time. All right, y'all.

1214
01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:47,680
Speaker 1: If you want to be featured as one of our

1215
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:50,000
Speaker 1: listener letters, be sure to email us at dead ass

1216
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:53,640
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A d

1217
01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:57,240
Speaker 1: A S s A d V I c E, because

1218
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:01,920
Speaker 1: sometimes they'll be beginning the E at gmail dot coming time.

1219
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:06,920
Speaker 1: We're talking anxiety, being anxious, anxiety disorder. Knowing how to

1220
01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:10,520
Speaker 1: decipher what's what? You got a moment of truth for them? Maybe? Yes.

1221
01:02:11,160 --> 01:02:13,040
Speaker 1: The first part of my moment of truth is this

1222
01:02:13,920 --> 01:02:17,560
Speaker 1: is a two part Number One, understand the difference between

1223
01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:21,600
Speaker 1: anxiety and anxiousness. Sometimes it's okay to not try and

1224
01:02:21,680 --> 01:02:24,080
Speaker 1: self diagnose and go see someone so you know if

1225
01:02:24,080 --> 01:02:26,640
Speaker 1: you have a chemical imbalance or if you're dealing with

1226
01:02:26,800 --> 01:02:29,560
Speaker 1: just anxiousness is something that you can actually work yourself through.

1227
01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,240
Speaker 1: First thing is understand the difference and get help if

1228
01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:34,280
Speaker 1: you feel like you may have anxiety and not just

1229
01:02:34,400 --> 01:02:39,040
Speaker 1: be anxious. Number two moment of truth. Realize when you're

1230
01:02:39,120 --> 01:02:43,080
Speaker 1: creating anxiety and other people? All right, some things, especially

1231
01:02:43,120 --> 01:02:44,960
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship or in a family, or

1232
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:47,280
Speaker 1: you're in a work environment or you're around friends, it

1233
01:02:47,360 --> 01:02:49,960
Speaker 1: ain't always about you. Sometimes you got to look in

1234
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,640
Speaker 1: the mirror and be like, I'm either one creating anxiety

1235
01:02:52,720 --> 01:02:54,760
Speaker 1: around the people and I love and if you are,

1236
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:58,800
Speaker 1: learn how to channel that energy that's causing anxiety to

1237
01:02:58,920 --> 01:03:02,080
Speaker 1: other people and and put it towards something productive so

1238
01:03:02,200 --> 01:03:04,960
Speaker 1: that the people around you can look at you as

1239
01:03:05,880 --> 01:03:11,080
Speaker 1: an object of love and not an object of fear,

1240
01:03:11,920 --> 01:03:14,080
Speaker 1: which I know I was for a lot of people,

1241
01:03:14,120 --> 01:03:16,400
Speaker 1: and I'm constantly trying to change that. Now. I love that.

1242
01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:19,120
Speaker 1: That's a little bit of self reflection moments they're wrapped

1243
01:03:19,200 --> 01:03:21,479
Speaker 1: up in for you. I think my moment of truth

1244
01:03:21,600 --> 01:03:26,680
Speaker 1: is that anxiety goes along the lines or concurrently with boundaries.

1245
01:03:27,560 --> 01:03:30,360
Speaker 1: So I feel like if you set boundaries, which is

1246
01:03:30,360 --> 01:03:33,959
Speaker 1: a big term I think now for our generation, knowing

1247
01:03:34,040 --> 01:03:40,080
Speaker 1: when certain situations, certain people, certain scenarios cause you anxiety

1248
01:03:41,160 --> 01:03:44,760
Speaker 1: or you see a flare up in that, knowing when

1249
01:03:44,800 --> 01:03:47,760
Speaker 1: to put the boundary boundary up, when to separate yourselves

1250
01:03:47,840 --> 01:03:50,760
Speaker 1: from people in situations that cause that, to protect your

1251
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:53,200
Speaker 1: own peace, because a lot of things I think can

1252
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:56,240
Speaker 1: be almost self inflicted or not really self inflicted, but

1253
01:03:56,320 --> 01:03:59,480
Speaker 1: inflicted by others around you, Like but you're allowing it in,

1254
01:04:00,000 --> 01:04:01,840
Speaker 1: You're allowing you right, and it self's likely because you're

1255
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:05,600
Speaker 1: allowing it to then, you know, disrupt your piece. So

1256
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:08,560
Speaker 1: anxiety and boundaries go hand in hand, y'all, and learn

1257
01:04:08,640 --> 01:04:11,520
Speaker 1: how to how and when to exercise those. I like that.

1258
01:04:11,640 --> 01:04:13,600
Speaker 1: I like anxiety and boundaries go hand in hand. I

1259
01:04:13,640 --> 01:04:15,600
Speaker 1: like that. That's a good moment of truth. Thank you baby.

1260
01:04:15,840 --> 01:04:18,760
Speaker 1: All right, y'all, be sure to find us on Patreon

1261
01:04:18,800 --> 01:04:21,800
Speaker 1: if you have not yet. There's so much great exclusive

1262
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:25,000
Speaker 1: dead as podcast video content for you guys there. We

1263
01:04:25,080 --> 01:04:27,600
Speaker 1: have live shows, we have lots of family stuff that

1264
01:04:27,640 --> 01:04:29,720
Speaker 1: we're packing into Patreons, so be sure to sign up

1265
01:04:29,720 --> 01:04:31,640
Speaker 1: for that if you have not already, and you can

1266
01:04:31,680 --> 01:04:34,280
Speaker 1: find us on social media on Instagram dead Ass the

1267
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:37,640
Speaker 1: podcasts I'm Kadine, I Am on Ig and TikTok and

1268
01:04:37,880 --> 01:04:39,880
Speaker 1: I Am Devout and I Am not on Teamtalk so

1269
01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:41,720
Speaker 1: I'm too old for that. And if you're listening on

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