Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central Jam.
Speaker 2: From the most trusted journalists at Comedy.
Speaker 3: Central's America's only source for news.
Speaker 1: This is the Daily Joke with your host John Stuart. Yeah,
Speaker 1: welcome to let Down My show. I gotta buy it
Speaker 1: to John Shorry. You gotta look at what's happening. We
Speaker 1: got a show for you tonight.
Speaker 3: My god, John Mulaney's gonna be joining me, fresh off
Speaker 3: of his hit Netflix show squid Game. First, but let
Speaker 3: me just say this is start off.
Speaker 1: This is start off weekend. This weekend terrible again. I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. Friday. We were in the office on Friday.
Speaker 1: We planned a very fun show. It was gonna be light.
Speaker 3: We were gonna come out here talk about little Kim
Speaker 3: Jong Trump and his big military parade.
Speaker 1: Slash Kin, Senia and.
Speaker 3: Howard men that we all live in North Korea now,
Speaker 3: and all the hyperbole of this massive display of American
Speaker 3: military power really butted up against what the parade actually was,
Speaker 3: which was this.
Speaker 1: Was that was that tank?
Speaker 3: Was that tank squeaking We have a trillion dollar budget
Speaker 3: for the military. Nobody's got WD forty, nobody squeaky tag.
Speaker 1: Nobody can just go in there.
Speaker 3: This there's less a show of overwhelming force and more
Speaker 3: like a military museum getting in its steps. It was
Speaker 3: it was actually, it was actually kind.
Speaker 1: Of nice and fun.
Speaker 3: It took you through the history of the army, from
Speaker 3: its days of tri cornered hats and muskets to its
Speaker 3: brave future as oh bot dog walkers.
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, hey, he's true. Who's gonna clean up these
Speaker 1: ball bearings? He's just gonna.
Speaker 3: Who's got a three to a tongue explosive nose?
Speaker 4: You do?
Speaker 1: You do? Can I book?
Speaker 3: No? But for all the hype was a relatively reserved,
Speaker 3: non particularly well attended event that left all the VIPs
Speaker 3: lucky enough to see it.
Speaker 1: Board out enough fuck in mind.
Speaker 3: Meanwhile, the real crowds turned out for the No Kings March.
Speaker 1: We're a million fathers in cities at the concret to protest.
Speaker 5: Our throw descend into authoritarian dystopia.
Speaker 1: They protested and showed up all the hats they made.
Speaker 3: And in Boston the No King's Parade conveniently coincided with
Speaker 3: the Pride Parade, and it goes in Wait a.
Speaker 2: Minute, the gays have developed robot dogs.
Speaker 1: The gays. The Gays have the advanced.
Speaker 3: Technology or are those just the gay robot dogs the
Speaker 3: secretary of Defense headsets wouldn't allow to serve.
Speaker 1: Openly in our other army? Is that they're not allowed
Speaker 1: to serve.
Speaker 3: Well, guess what secretary of head set they are serving.
Speaker 3: I know that that the point is no kings appear
Speaker 3: to be arousing success and the military parade's failure to
Speaker 3: succeed in its grandiose objectives can be described in really
Speaker 3: this one Fox News clip, and I promise you we
Speaker 3: did not edit this in any way.
Speaker 6: If I was the Iatola watching the watching Fox News coverage,
Speaker 6: which I hope he is, of this parade, I would
Speaker 6: be very frightened, and I would be thinking twice about
Speaker 6: whether I want to retaliate against the United States.
Speaker 3: The Iahtola would be frightened.
Speaker 1: They're waiving.
Speaker 3: Does the iatola know the Americans have obtained jazz hands
Speaker 3: surrender dance? But as always, reality was no match for
Speaker 3: President Donald Trump, who's had a very specific and low
Speaker 3: bar of success for his birthday parade.
Speaker 4: Last night was a tremendous success. They fantastic audience. It
Speaker 4: was supposed to rain. They gave it a one hundred
Speaker 4: percent chance of rain, and it didn't rain at all.
Speaker 1: Was beautiful.
Speaker 3: Nothing says I just turned seventy nine like shouting about
Speaker 3: how the weather forecast was rolled.
Speaker 2: It was a tremendous success.
Speaker 1: They said it would rain. I knew it wouldn't rain.
Speaker 1: You know how I knew. My right knee didn't bark
Speaker 1: it's going to rain. It always barks. You see this show,
Speaker 1: that show.
Speaker 3: About that stuff, fun, care free, light, enjoyable, old man
Speaker 3: talking weather, gay robot dogs.
Speaker 1: The world. That could have been you, the viewer would
Speaker 1: have enjoyed.
Speaker 3: But the reason why we couldn't spend the whole show
Speaker 3: on the parade. Perhaps the reason why the parade wasn't
Speaker 3: as extravagant as it could have been was because our
Speaker 3: most impressive military shit this weekend was being used elsewhere.
Speaker 7: Tonight, Israel announcing it has launched a military strike against Iran.
Speaker 7: Smoke seen rising in Tehran in video posted online.
Speaker 8: And overniz Iranian strikes in Israel retaliation, it says, for
Speaker 8: Israel's attack on its nuclear, military and energy infrastructure.
Speaker 9: Now there are concerns about how much this could.
Speaker 3: Escalate, could could escalate. The whole fucking region is escalate.
Speaker 3: It's all on fire. This is a wedding video from
Speaker 3: Lebanon over the weekend. Missiles fireworks doesn't matter. I now
Speaker 3: pronounce you man and doc. But what happened with Iran?
Speaker 3: Weren't we about to make a nuclear deal? Wasn't our
Speaker 3: deal maker in chief making a deal to keep Iran
Speaker 3: from enriching uranium? Actually didn't we have a deal before
Speaker 3: our deal maker in chief so wisely pulled us from
Speaker 3: that deal?
Speaker 1: Why did this have to go? Bomb me on Iran now?
Speaker 4: And by next spring at most, by next summer at
Speaker 4: current and Richmond rates, they will have finished the medium enrichment.
Speaker 1: And move on to the final stage. Huh.
Speaker 3: Iran is months away from having a nuclear bomb, it
Speaker 3: says net Yalu in twenty twelve. By the way, did
Speaker 3: Iran happened to get that bomb from a company called Acme? Like?
Speaker 3: Will it be delivered to Israel on rocket powered skates.
Speaker 1: When it go off? In a tumultuous meme? Seriously, why
Speaker 1: didn't we have to bomb Iran now?
Speaker 4: Iran is so dangerous weeks away from having the fiscile
Speaker 4: material for an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs.
Speaker 3: Holy shit, that's why Iran's only weeks away from having
Speaker 3: an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs, says Netan.
Speaker 1: Yahoo in twenty fifteen.
Speaker 3: Twenty fifteen, think about that, back when we all thought,
Speaker 3: oh no, the Republicans might nominate that madman Jed Bush should.
Speaker 1: Have gone with the question mark.
Speaker 3: No, seriously, I'm not being facetious. I really want to
Speaker 3: know why we had to bomb Iran. Now we're going
Speaker 3: to show you Iran's secret nuclear files.
Speaker 4: Here's the warhead, here's the bomb.
Speaker 1: And that's from twenty eighteen.
Speaker 3: I don't know if Iran is any closer to having
Speaker 3: a bomb, but it is clear Israel now has the
Speaker 3: capacity to enrich their drawings.
Speaker 1: No, I swear to God.
Speaker 3: Now who talks about Iran getting nukes the way I
Speaker 3: talk about the Knicks winning a title?
Speaker 1: This is the year.
Speaker 3: The Knicks are one piece awa weeks away from winning
Speaker 3: a title. They never win up for it. Of course,
Speaker 3: a hot war between Israel and Iran could threaten the
Speaker 3: United States.
Speaker 1: It's best we stay out of it.
Speaker 3: Secretary of State Marco Rubio saying Israel took unilateral action
Speaker 3: against Iran and that the.
Speaker 1: US is not involved in strikes. We're not involved. That's good,
Speaker 1: that's good.
Speaker 4: The US says it was informed beforehand.
Speaker 1: Good neighbor policy. We were informed. Let us know, we're
Speaker 1: still not being involved.
Speaker 10: Really, President Trump acknowledge yesterday that he was aware of
Speaker 10: the Israeli operation and he gave it a green light.
Speaker 1: They don't know what they're talking about. We were told,
Speaker 1: we approved. It's still Israel's game.
Speaker 11: Israel used American equipment during its initial strikes against Iran.
Speaker 1: What the frere we doing? All right?
Speaker 3: So we knew and we approved, and we gave them
Speaker 3: all the shit to do it with. I'm confused, are
Speaker 3: we involved? I think I need clarification from our parade
Speaker 3: Grand Marshal in Chief.
Speaker 11: The President made it clear that the United States is
Speaker 11: not involved. He wanted to make that very clear. But
Speaker 11: at the same time, it's possible that we could get involved,
Speaker 11: but we're not involved at this moment.
Speaker 1: See we're Switzerland.
Speaker 3: Perhaps the reason why the President is being cagy about
Speaker 3: all this is because not all of the MAGA are
Speaker 3: embracing net and Yahoo's bomb fetishes.
Speaker 5: We cannot be dragged into and ensuably dragged into a
Speaker 5: war in the Middle East.
Speaker 6: We put America first, and that means American interests first.
Speaker 4: Our magabase.
Speaker 1: They do not want the United States to be engaged
Speaker 1: in this.
Speaker 9: I don't know anyone that wakes up and thinks about
Speaker 9: bombing Iran.
Speaker 3: Shows how anyone who wakes and thinks about bombing Iran.
Speaker 3: I gotta tell you, I don't think she knows anyone
Speaker 3: who wakes up and thinks.
Speaker 1: But credit they enjoyed that.
Speaker 3: Well, you know what I'm going to say this, there's
Speaker 3: many surprise some people credit where credit is due. I
Speaker 3: certainly have tremendous policy and in some instances space laser
Speaker 3: differences with these folks. But I applaud any group that
Speaker 3: is steadfast in a diplomacy first posture. The only problem
Speaker 3: with their posture that I see with it is their
Speaker 3: reluctance to commit America's military to fighting drawn out and
Speaker 3: often pointless wars doesn't seem to extend to America.
Speaker 8: President Trump should fully deploy the military in the streets,
Speaker 8: take back the streets of LA, do it, and do
Speaker 8: it fast.
Speaker 1: Huh doesn't want to be in Iran.
Speaker 3: He wants to be in LA.
Speaker 1: He doesn't want to deploy the military overseas.
Speaker 3: He wants to save the military for the real threat US.
Speaker 3: He's not being hypocritical, just fucking mind blowing. The MAGA
Speaker 3: mindset appears to be we didn't vote for foreign wars,
Speaker 3: we voted for civil war.
Speaker 1: This is a war.
Speaker 3: The Battle for America was going to take place in
Speaker 3: Los Angeles.
Speaker 4: The only way to win here is to double and triple.
Speaker 9: Down the current war that we are seeing waged by
Speaker 9: the Democrats, by the foreign nationals waving Mexican flags.
Speaker 8: The city of Los Angeles is an occupied city.
Speaker 6: It is time to retake the cities of this country.
Speaker 4: It is time to use fours.
Speaker 3: What the fuck they are looking for any pretense. They
Speaker 3: are looking for, any pretense to sick their robot dogs
Speaker 3: on Democrats. And the strategy that they're using is to
Speaker 3: inflate the threat that this country now faces to so
Speaker 3: ri pile up their base as to make the left
Speaker 3: in this country, represented by over seventy five million votes
Speaker 3: in the past presidential election, as a legitimate military target for.
Speaker 1: The United States of America.
Speaker 3: It's a strategy that's been used before to gin up
Speaker 3: military conflict.
Speaker 1: See if you recognize it.
Speaker 12: The good people of Iraq, they want a peaceful country,
Speaker 12: they want security.
Speaker 10: The good people with Los Angeles deserve to be secure
Speaker 10: in their homes.
Speaker 1: We're not going anywhere until there is a stable environment.
Speaker 4: We're not going anywhere.
Speaker 1: We're here to maintain the peace.
Speaker 12: Liberate Iraq from the tyranny.
Speaker 3: Liberate the city from the socialists.
Speaker 1: We will liberate the people of Iraq. We will liberate
Speaker 1: Los Angeles.
Speaker 4: We must.
Speaker 3: They don't understand yet. We must invade Los Angeles. We
Speaker 3: cannot have the world's most dangerous people eating the world's
Speaker 3: most delicious tacos.
Speaker 1: It's so fucking.
Speaker 3: Absurd to paint the opposition party in your country as
Speaker 3: a fifth column, an enemy from within. But again, like
Speaker 3: I don't want to overact, I don't want to strain
Speaker 3: the metaphor too much. It's not like the right is
Speaker 3: calling for the need for a kind of a rock
Speaker 3: like debathification program to remove Democrats from government post liberation.
Speaker 4: We need like a debatification program. Fire every single mid
Speaker 4: level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace
Speaker 4: them with our people.
Speaker 1: They're insane.
Speaker 3: By the way, was that guy's beard used to color JD.
Speaker 3: Vance's eyes?
Speaker 1: So there you have it.
Speaker 3: We've got Israel stoking form worse, We've got the right
Speaker 3: in this country pushing for domestic war. And I haven't
Speaker 3: even gotten to the one thing this weekend that was
Speaker 3: actually really so fucked up. It's almost too much show,
Speaker 3: you know. In fact, I'm gonna break form. Let's take
Speaker 3: an intermission.
Speaker 1: Here were intermittion over Dank you welcome.
Speaker 13: Back to the show.
Speaker 3: All right, this is a kind of kid that I
Speaker 3: hate having to do on the show. But as you know,
Speaker 3: Minnesota was the site of horrible violence where a state
Speaker 3: House leader and her husband were killed, a state senator
Speaker 3: and his wife were shot. The only positive is that
Speaker 3: the person who perpetrated these acts has finally been caught
Speaker 3: final But what I was really struck by is what
Speaker 3: seemed to be on everybody's mind in the midst of
Speaker 3: this horror this morning.
Speaker 4: A lot of questions remained, like what was his motive?
Speaker 4: Why a motive?
Speaker 1: Why did you do this?
Speaker 4: When do we learn about motive? Everyone wants to know why.
Speaker 3: Bill, his roommate, He says that the suspect was a
Speaker 3: Trump supporter.
Speaker 9: This is a Tim Waltz appointee, This is a Democrat.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, and I truly mean this. I
Speaker 1: mean no disrespect, Like.
Speaker 3: I don't give a fuck why this person did it.
Speaker 3: I just don't give a I don't care. I don't
Speaker 3: care whose team he's on. I don't care if he
Speaker 3: listens to NPR or Fox News. I don't give a
Speaker 3: flying foot. What blows my mind is our resignation in
Speaker 3: the aftermath of this nonsense.
Speaker 1: What are you gonna do? I don't know.
Speaker 3: Put a ship ton of funding and a mental health money.
Speaker 3: Put a ship ton of money into illegal weapons interdiction.
Speaker 1: Maybe that ship maybe.
Speaker 3: Maybe, well, what do you though it there? Maybe maybe
Speaker 3: the chip that Bill Gates had injected in all of
Speaker 3: us during COVID could have a self disruct button. Take
Speaker 3: people out before they do this shit.
Speaker 1: For God's sake, can't we do that?
Speaker 3: Grubhub knows when I want pizza. You don't think grubhub
Speaker 3: doesn't know when people are getting murderous.
Speaker 1: What's the difference between hungry and angry? What's the difference?
Speaker 4: We're willing to do.
Speaker 3: Things about other issues? We just heard about it. Why
Speaker 3: are they attacking Los Angeles right now? Why is the
Speaker 3: right so willing to tear our cities apart in this moment?
Speaker 3: Dangerous criminals continue to flood our nation and kill our citizens.
Speaker 4: This has to stop.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think about it for my crane kids.
Speaker 1: I mean, how safe are they in this society?
Speaker 9: One woman or one child violated by an illegal alien
Speaker 9: is one too many.
Speaker 1: The alarm bells were going off a long time ago.
Speaker 3: A lot of Democrats will defend this and say, well,
Speaker 3: you know, it's such a small percentage.
Speaker 12: They have blood on their hands here in sim one
Speaker 12: is too many, One.
Speaker 3: Is too many. One death. By the way, true, it
Speaker 3: is too many. Violence should never be accepted, it should
Speaker 3: never be tolerated. But that's for their issue. In the
Speaker 3: wake of Sandy Hook and Uvaldi and Parkland and al
Speaker 3: Paso and Lewiston and Aurora and Buffalo and Boulder and
Speaker 3: Binghamton and Highland Park and Monterey Park and San Bernardino
Speaker 3: and San Jose and San Francisco and the Pulps Nightclub
Speaker 3: and the Colorado Springs Nightclub and the Little Rock Nightclub
Speaker 3: and the Borderline Bar in Thousand Oaks and the net
Speaker 3: Peppers Bar and Dayton and the Waffle House in Nashville
Speaker 3: and Virginia Tech and UVA and MSU and UCSB and
Speaker 3: FSU and NIU and SMC and the.
Speaker 5: Southern Land Springs Church and the Mother em Manual Church
Speaker 5: in Charleston, and the Living Church of God and the
Speaker 5: Tree of Life Synagogue and the Allen Mall and the
Speaker 5: West Roads Mall and Fort Hood and Lockheed Martin and
Speaker 5: what are.
Speaker 1: We fighting doing? What are we doing? Far?
Speaker 3: And the way, By the way, that is a wildly
Speaker 3: incomplete list.
Speaker 1: We kept it to the last twenty five years.
Speaker 3: And it's still not everything. And what's their response to
Speaker 3: all that.
Speaker 4: They're doing the same thing that they always do after
Speaker 4: there's a mass shooting and they politicize it.
Speaker 1: The issue is not with the Second Amendment.
Speaker 4: Guns aren't the problem. Does a gun commit crime?
Speaker 1: Democrats want to take away your guns.
Speaker 4: They don't want to solve problems.
Speaker 3: Turns out, when it comes to mass shootings, one's not
Speaker 3: too many. Actually a shipload isn't too many. And by
Speaker 3: the way, you can say Second Amendment all you want,
Speaker 3: but you definitely don't seem to mind throwing out the
Speaker 3: constitution when it comes to deportation.
Speaker 1: And I am legitimately asked me this question. This is
Speaker 1: truly legitimate, right.
Speaker 3: I know I can be like, but like, I am
Speaker 3: genuinely baffled. Why is it when a foreigner or someone
Speaker 3: that shouldn't be here kills one of us. We're gonna
Speaker 3: put one hundred and fifty billion into border security. We're
Speaker 3: gonna militarize our cities. We're gonna spend trillions of dollars
Speaker 3: to bomb and destabilize foreign countries overseas. We're gonna ban
Speaker 3: people from random countries from every visiting here. We're gonna
Speaker 3: take our shoes off at the airport forever. But when
Speaker 3: we do it to ourselves, nothing is it that the
Speaker 3: only acceptable deaths are those that are made in America.
Speaker 3: Our only response now is to tally up the psycho
Speaker 3: scoreboard on whose side the purpse belongs to. I honestly
Speaker 3: would like to know, Like it makes no sense, it's
Speaker 3: jarring cognitive.
Speaker 1: This is Senator Mike Lee.
Speaker 3: All right, great state of Utah, which by the way,
Speaker 3: suffered a tragic shooting death at one of their No
Speaker 3: Kings events over the weekend. And just a little backstory.
Speaker 3: I've met Senator Lee, he's the best. In twenty nineteen,
Speaker 3: when we were trying to get permanent reauthorization of the
Speaker 3: rape Phifer Louis Alvarez, the Droga Act, we met with
Speaker 3: Senator Mike Lee in his office down in Washington. We
Speaker 3: had a team of Feel Good Foundation and a team
Speaker 3: of first responders with US firefighters, cops, other people. One
Speaker 3: of the cops had been in the first tower when
Speaker 3: it collapsed.
Speaker 1: Right, So all.
Speaker 3: These first responders are going around the table and they
Speaker 3: are sharing their stories to try and get Senator Mike
Speaker 3: Lee to support this bill that's going to provide life
Speaker 3: saving coverage and money to the victims of this terrible
Speaker 3: terrorist attack.
Speaker 1: And the illnesses they are suffering.
Speaker 3: Since then, when the one cop says his story about
Speaker 3: being in the tower that collapsed and the aftermath, when
Speaker 3: he told Senator Lee about that experience, Senator Lee smiled
Speaker 3: and said, I bet you've got a lot of.
Speaker 1: Stories of dead of like what spring break? Like?
Speaker 3: What are you talking about? We met a lot of
Speaker 3: people in Washington. Some were hopeful some of those meetings.
Speaker 3: Some were upsetting meetings. That was the only meeting where
Speaker 3: we all walked out and looked at each other.
Speaker 1: And went, what the fit is wrong with that guy?
Speaker 1: The only one.
Speaker 3: I say this for context for why I use Senator
Speaker 3: Lee as the avatar for the insanity of this moment.
Speaker 3: Here he is on the Senate floor talking about why
Speaker 3: he is for these you could call draconian immigration policies.
Speaker 12: The tragic case of an Riley, a life cuts short
Speaker 12: by an illegal alien. Her case represents hundreds of thousands
Speaker 12: of families across this nation whose lives have been upended
Speaker 12: by the invasion that our leaders allowed to happen.
Speaker 3: Now, look, he's right to be upset at our leaders
Speaker 3: for allowing unsafe conditions to happen.
Speaker 1: That's fine.
Speaker 3: Here's Mike Lee tweeting this weekend about the assassination of
Speaker 3: a Democratic legislator and her husband. Just hours after we
Speaker 3: all learned about this tragedy.
Speaker 10: Republican Senator Mike Lee of Utah hosted a picture of
Speaker 10: the suspect at the door of one of the lawmakers
Speaker 10: with the caption, this is what happens when Marxists don't
Speaker 10: get their way.
Speaker 1: And by the way, he didn't just post that. He
Speaker 1: didn't just post that.
Speaker 3: He pinned that to the top of whatever the fight
Speaker 3: is that you pin stuff on on Twitter, your Twitter refrigerator,
Speaker 3: to show off your Twitter work, and then to let
Speaker 3: all of us know that that is not the depth
Speaker 3: of his depravity, that he can go deeper.
Speaker 10: He posted this the Senator and posted another picture with
Speaker 10: a caption Nightmare on Wall Street mocking. Of course the
Speaker 10: name of the Minnesota governor.
Speaker 3: Okay, First of all, elm Street to Wall Street is
Speaker 3: a shitty pun. As a comedian, I must object, you've
Speaker 3: got Wolf of Wall Street just sitting there. And second,
Speaker 3: I truly want to know why in his mind, one
Speaker 3: death the hands of an immigrant is worth one hundred
Speaker 3: and fifty billion dollars of border security, a militarization of
Speaker 3: American cities, well just the blue cities. I know the
Speaker 3: undocumented immigrants in red state fields are the good ones
Speaker 3: now suddenly that and I guess mar A Lago hospitality workers.
Speaker 3: But I want to know why those deaths in Minnesota
Speaker 3: are worth only a night of edge lord shit posting.
Speaker 3: No billions for mental health, no stopping illegal weapons, ravenging,
Speaker 3: no nothing. We should ask him why. I bet he's
Speaker 3: got some stories to tell when we come back, John mullaney,
Speaker 3: we'll go away.
Speaker 1: Right back in the show.
Speaker 5: All of my guests tonight one of my favorites, one
Speaker 5: of my favorites, not just as a comedian, as a person.
Speaker 3: I guess Tonight, an actor, writer, comedian hosts the Netflix
Speaker 3: show everybody's live.
Speaker 1: Please welcome John mulaney.
Speaker 13: Yeah, that was not when When was there a week ago?
Speaker 4: This was two weeks ago. That fight was two weeks ago. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Those gentlemen, and I call them gentlemen.
Speaker 4: Yeah, young men, young men, thirteen fourteen, no fourteen, three
Speaker 4: fourteen year olds. I'm forty two. They add up to me.
Speaker 1: They do add up to Yeah, they do. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: show no worse for wear. Look you look healthy. You
Speaker 1: look I saw no limp.
Speaker 4: I'm moving, I'm moving slower. Do you still feel the
Speaker 4: eight I still feel that lactic acid. You ever fought
Speaker 4: three boys and you get that lactic acid build up
Speaker 4: in the lower body.
Speaker 1: I don't think they've Most people haven't.
Speaker 4: Fought everyone should. Let me say this. Obviously there's a
Speaker 4: lot going on right now. This is the most important
Speaker 4: message you'll hear tonight. But everyone should fight three teenagers
Speaker 4: once a year. Follow the rules. We did. No eye gouging,
Speaker 4: no cutting off of airways, no no kicking, just sort
Speaker 4: of advanced hugging and wrestling. Sure, and you'll feel so
Speaker 4: much better. I feel invigorated. I really, I've never been
Speaker 4: more present in my life because I had to be
Speaker 4: for that fight. You understand what I mean.
Speaker 3: So in some ways it's like skydiving or Everest, sure,
Speaker 3: except with fourteen year.
Speaker 4: Old exactly like they said about Everest, why do it
Speaker 4: because it's there? Well, I technically I flew those boys in.
Speaker 4: But once, once they were there, I said, I'm.
Speaker 1: Just as curious for no parent. Yeah, overstate lines? Was
Speaker 1: that over state lines?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah? But I checked, And I don't mind answering that
Speaker 4: because I checked all that shit out. I made sure, No,
Speaker 4: I really did. You should traveling teens, you got to
Speaker 4: always dot your eyes and stuff. Sure, so I brought
Speaker 4: them in separate hotels. Don't let them meet for real,
Speaker 4: because I couldn't get them to. I didn't want them
Speaker 4: planning anything or developing any strategy, how long if I may.
Speaker 1: Sure.
Speaker 3: By the way, and that episode that was the final
Speaker 3: episode of your twelve week twelve and you did twelve
Speaker 3: in a row, which I thought was in some ways
Speaker 3: bragging to go to do twelve weeks in a row.
Speaker 4: It makes the runted very much to stop at seven.
Speaker 4: But then we read it of us look a little bit,
Speaker 4: oh please pathetic? No, you got a rigorous schedule Mondays
Speaker 4: And then.
Speaker 1: Yes, you don't know, you don't know.
Speaker 3: When I'm out here at the children, I fight, you
Speaker 3: have no idea.
Speaker 4: So these fourteen year old Jacob, Ben and Adarsh who
Speaker 4: was the one.
Speaker 3: Who began to go silver back. After it was over,
Speaker 3: there was one of them. As soon as it would.
Speaker 4: Over, he jumped up and went, I think that was
Speaker 4: a Darsh. If I'm getting it wrong, I apologize. But
Speaker 4: Jacob had never met a d A Darsh had never
Speaker 4: met Ben, and Ben had never met Jacob. They never
Speaker 4: met till they met on the met randomly selected. No,
Speaker 4: there were thousands of submissions, or maybe there was like
Speaker 4: a hundred, I don't know, but we found three, right, yes,
Speaker 4: So then selected by one of my writers, the great
Speaker 4: Langston Kerman. Langston Kerman hilarious, hilarious comedian, yes, great actor, hilarious.
Speaker 4: He was a teacher for many years and he fought
Speaker 4: his students one day, like they just were ragging on him,
Speaker 4: and so he locked the door of these three boys
Speaker 4: and they just went at it. And I think, whatever
Speaker 4: the statute.
Speaker 3: The plot of Lean On Me, I think it was
Speaker 3: very I think, And did he have a bat.
Speaker 4: No, But it was as if Joe Clark from Lean
Speaker 4: On Me took it to the appropriate level, which is
Speaker 4: some fighting. There's all these podcasters now talk about a
Speaker 4: crisis with men and boys.
Speaker 1: Sure, right, and they have a lot of them to
Speaker 1: the mail. Yeah, they.
Speaker 4: Shaved their heads and things like this. They are and
Speaker 4: they talk, they make little video diaries in their basement
Speaker 4: and so forth. But if you want to really get
Speaker 4: to the root of it, you get three of them together,
Speaker 4: get him in nice suits and helmets, and you get
Speaker 4: in a suit yourself. When you go at it.
Speaker 3: Let me tell you something, because I hadn't looked at
Speaker 3: it in this way. You weren't just fighting for entertainment.
Speaker 3: In many ways, this was a crusade to save American
Speaker 3: youth and maleness.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, yeah you are, if I may, It was not frivolous.
Speaker 1: Yeah you are the man in the arena literally.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, Teddy Rob Yeah, Teddy resaved that quote. Have
Speaker 4: you ever been sent that? That means you have a
Speaker 4: big failure. I had a sick I had a sitcom
Speaker 4: that was shot out of the air like a duck
Speaker 4: in Duck Hunt, and everyone sent me that quote, and
Speaker 4: I was like, man, this must be bombing because everyone's
Speaker 4: everyone's sending me the man in the arena.
Speaker 3: Now, these kids, if I may say, I thought you
Speaker 3: held your own for God, must have been forty one seconds.
Speaker 3: Forty seven seconds right Ford, which is no small feat
Speaker 3: for an asthmatic or whatever.
Speaker 1: I don't know what physically idealist.
Speaker 4: I don't have a lot of physical prowess. I fought
Speaker 4: when I was younger, but those I'm much older now.
Speaker 4: What I had that they don't have, And a lot
Speaker 4: of kids don't have this If you ever want to fight,
Speaker 4: one is they don't have core strength. But I do
Speaker 4: a lot of core because I have a tear in
Speaker 4: my hip, which I've been open about, so it's not
Speaker 4: cheating a lot of pet They know about the hip
Speaker 4: that they did, they do about target the hip. Yeah,
Speaker 4: they went for the hip, but they really went for
Speaker 4: this leg because they knew I was a goner. I
Speaker 4: was going to sink right into the LABRM tear. But
Speaker 4: forty seven seconds I stood until they were choking me
Speaker 4: out on the mat.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you something though?
Speaker 3: So those first thirty seconds were chaotic, They were a
Speaker 3: moment that you had it, But then it was like
Speaker 3: a movie about you ever seen those alien movies where
Speaker 3: we have the upper hand, but then all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: They're like, I think they're learning.
Speaker 1: Yes, there was a moment it might have been in
Speaker 1: a Darsh's eyes. Yes, where they made contact.
Speaker 3: And they began to operate as the borg as.
Speaker 4: They operate like a three boy monster. Yes, they they
Speaker 4: I was I see. I knew if I charged first,
Speaker 4: because I knew I had a couple brilliant moves. I
Speaker 4: had a couple advantages on them. I'm not self conscious
Speaker 4: the way a fourteen year old is, right, So I said,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna charge Jacob with everything I have. Right, he's
Speaker 4: the biggest of them, and I didn't want him on
Speaker 4: my back, So I go right at Jacob.
Speaker 1: You had a plan.
Speaker 4: I had a plan, but I didn't realize how much
Speaker 4: I needed to keep moving. As Ben and Adarsh closed
Speaker 4: in on me. Adam Sandler, who's standing right off the ring,
Speaker 4: was he your cornerman? Sort of? Sean Penn was just smoking,
Speaker 4: but Adam.
Speaker 3: Sean p If you want to watch this episode, it
Speaker 3: is like maybe the most perfect hour long episode of television.
Speaker 3: In the middle of it, there is a sincere fifteen
Speaker 3: minute interview with Sean Penn. He and I must go
Speaker 3: to the same plastic surgeon because we both look like
Speaker 3: we sleep in a meat dehydrator.
Speaker 4: But Sean Penn goes to the third world countries and
Speaker 4: they go, are you okay, No, he's a good man.
Speaker 4: He's a tough man.
Speaker 1: He is, by the way.
Speaker 3: I don't think against Sean Penn. I don't think a
Speaker 3: darsh would have been beat in the chest. I think
Speaker 3: one of them would be left with their heart out
Speaker 3: of their chest and Sean Penn just gnawing on it
Speaker 3: in front of the other ones.
Speaker 4: Yes, we get into it, Sean Penn and I about
Speaker 4: his Malibu surfing days and the violence that erupted out
Speaker 4: of what seems like a tranquil activity.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 4: So the problem was, and I hope there's a camera angle.
Speaker 4: I'll have to go through all the raw footage, and
Speaker 4: I plan to do.
Speaker 1: You have the all twenty two of the fight.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's going to be the third act of my life.
Speaker 4: People visit me in a weird house and I show
Speaker 4: them the raw footage and proved I could have won.
Speaker 4: There's a moment where I get Jacob off my back
Speaker 4: and I go for a dash and I choke. I
Speaker 4: just can't throw him. I just I go like that,
Speaker 4: and I go, I can't do.
Speaker 1: The leverage thing. Was it you went for the wrong
Speaker 1: angle or no? It was just.
Speaker 4: It wasn't in me. And that was an important lesson
Speaker 4: in masculinity, you know that. And I went, this is
Speaker 4: not me right. Don't we all face our own adarsh
Speaker 4: and go, I could throw this boy now write at
Speaker 4: Sean Penn, but I'm not gonna do it. You get
Speaker 4: a cigarette right in the eye, your prestizing in real time,
Speaker 4: in real.
Speaker 1: You're able to do this? Was it kind of a
Speaker 1: slows I know.
Speaker 4: That Bone Thugs in Harmony is waiting off stage.
Speaker 1: Which, by the way, when they come.
Speaker 4: Out, they come out beautiful music.
Speaker 3: It's a beautiful as you're hearing something from the audience
Speaker 3: that I think I was feeling when I was at home,
Speaker 3: and what and what you heard you might not have
Speaker 3: heard it from there is One woman just went.
Speaker 5: What And I think that's exactly right.
Speaker 3: And I think if I were and again I've been
Speaker 3: in television a long time, but if I were in
Speaker 3: the writer's room or in the production and you were
Speaker 3: walking me through it was about to have.
Speaker 4: It, I think I also might.
Speaker 1: At some point we did the conversation.
Speaker 4: Go what what we our team are wonderful director Joe
Speaker 4: Tomeo and our life Joey Domeo, Joey to lovely Man,
Speaker 4: our wonderful lighting desire. Brian Klunder, who doesn't look like shit,
Speaker 4: doesn't look like.
Speaker 1: Any famous people could shaves the beard and.
Speaker 4: Wait till someone emerges and becomes famous that looks like exactly.
Speaker 4: But we talked it out and I and they said,
Speaker 4: when does bone Thugs know to come out? And I said,
Speaker 4: when the boys tap out that that was gonna be.
Speaker 4: I was just so confident.
Speaker 1: It's it's a brilliant. Uh.
Speaker 4: I really appreciate it. Thanks you. Next to me after
Speaker 4: I showed all the writers, we were really thrilled.
Speaker 1: I loved it.
Speaker 3: My only question is there any thought for you? And
Speaker 3: this is in recognize your limitations of going down in
Speaker 3: age class or weight class maybe trying this.
Speaker 1: I think eight to nine year olds.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm telling you, I think that could be.
Speaker 1: I think this is my feeling. I think that could
Speaker 1: be the sweet spot.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Where And I'm not even gonna throw this out there
Speaker 3: four of them. If you still wanted to add up
Speaker 3: to your age.
Speaker 4: Sure we could do that. I mean it's basically probably
Speaker 4: unconsciously all building up to me fighting my own son,
Speaker 4: who's three and hours by the way. What does he
Speaker 4: gets to me and he puts his thumbs over my
Speaker 4: eyes and he goes, no, no data, open your eyes.
Speaker 3: He really wants to go sockets into the brain.
Speaker 4: Really wants to go sockets into the brain.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I got to tell you when they do.
Speaker 3: You know, my boy, the day he beat me in
Speaker 3: arm wrestling, I really thought he would have a little
Speaker 3: bit more of a realization of like that this is
Speaker 3: a mortality.
Speaker 1: Play, like he's gonna beat me.
Speaker 3: So I said to my go when you finally beat me, like,
Speaker 3: it's not going to feel as good as you think,
Speaker 3: it's going to make you sad.
Speaker 1: It's going to make you realize something. It didn't. He
Speaker 1: loved it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And to this day I think the relationship changed
Speaker 3: to where he physically knows I've got no against one
Speaker 3: of him.
Speaker 4: Yeah. And then he married your wife. That's that's that's
Speaker 4: international arm wrestling Dad rules.
Speaker 1: I have got to make a call hold on.
Speaker 3: It's It's fabulous and I'm just so delighted for you
Speaker 3: and the whole fan John and you guys are lovely,
Speaker 3: But I did want to ask you. You know, you and
Speaker 3: I talked about We knew we weren't going to talk
Speaker 3: about anything, because we never talked about anything.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 3: And I didn't want to let it go because you're
Speaker 3: an important guest, and you're an important figure and show
Speaker 3: business and comedy.
Speaker 1: I wanted to treated you as such.
Speaker 3: That's a very name, and so I didn't know what
Speaker 3: to ask you, So I just went through past interviews.
Speaker 4: It is really wild to be on the Daily Show
Speaker 4: with you.
Speaker 1: By the way, we've never we've never done it, just.
Speaker 4: Like I can't express how would. It's a very cool moment.
Speaker 1: Really, yeah, for you, it's a good moment for me.
Speaker 4: I was when I was an Internet when I was
Speaker 4: an intern at Comedy Central, big thing was a lot
Speaker 4: of Viacom execs would ask for tickets to the day
Speaker 4: show and it was so I mean, this was like
Speaker 4: two thousand and three, two thousand and four. Couldn't get in,
Speaker 4: couldn't get in the room. So I'd give them tickets
Speaker 4: to tough craft.
Speaker 1: Them. Uh.
Speaker 3: These are these questions that I'd asked other guests.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 3: And I would like to ask you and whether you
Speaker 3: I don't know if you'll know you can answer them,
Speaker 3: or if you'd even know who I'm asking.
Speaker 4: Wait, these are You're not going to say who you
Speaker 4: asked them to. You're just gonna ask the question.
Speaker 3: That's right, that's great, But these are other important guests, okay,
Speaker 3: guests that I was delighted that we were able to have,
Speaker 3: very nice.
Speaker 1: John.
Speaker 3: You are renowned as a man of peace.
Speaker 1: The John part. I added that.
Speaker 3: I was like the first clue, Yeah, it's it's it's
Speaker 3: not it's actually a red herring. And mister k okay,
Speaker 3: you are renowned as a man of peace. So I've
Speaker 3: got to ask what are people saying about America?
Speaker 1: Are they digging us?
Speaker 3: I swear to god, you think your show is loose,
Speaker 3: I'm going to show you I pioneered lack of preparation.
Speaker 4: Thank you. Yeah, you were a great innovator and no
Speaker 4: pre interviewing. Thank you, Desmond Tutu.
Speaker 1: That's exactly right. Yeah, this is excellent, excellent, excellent.
Speaker 4: And I bet the answer he would giggle a lot,
Speaker 4: and I'm gonna get it. He had the best, the
Speaker 4: best laugh.
Speaker 1: I don't understand.
Speaker 4: I once saw a video of him and the Dalai Lama.
Speaker 4: I don't know what it was from, but they were
Speaker 4: on stage just cracking up.
Speaker 1: Can I test it?
Speaker 3: When I would see Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama talk,
Speaker 3: it looked like a Helium birthday party, I know, like they.
Speaker 4: Were all just sucking but looked like a late Carol Burnette.
Speaker 1: Yes, you and I should work together. I know.
Speaker 3: Here's a question I asked of a guess where's Osan?
Speaker 1: I'm a bin Laden?
Speaker 4: Uh? Donald Rumsfeld.
Speaker 3: Close, Prevez Musharaff, the president of Pakistan at the time,
Speaker 3: mother of Pakistan.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, Wow, he came here, dude.
Speaker 1: He came here.
Speaker 3: He was doing his auto but it was a tour
Speaker 3: for his autobiography, his autobiography. Security was kaya was trying
Speaker 3: to kill him. Security was everywhere like guns, dog, bomb
Speaker 3: sniffing everything, Pakistan Secret Service, American Secret Service.
Speaker 1: And the whole time I was.
Speaker 3: Like this, this dude is risking his life to be
Speaker 3: on this show. And I was like I should have
Speaker 3: read the book, because I when did the Taliban come
Speaker 3: to Swat Valley? Uh?
Speaker 4: When did they come to Swatt Valley? We believe that
Speaker 4: Taliban have had a stronghold in that area for some time.
Speaker 4: The rest would be classified.
Speaker 1: Who have asked that?
Speaker 4: Who would you have asked that to? Who could you
Speaker 4: have asked that? That would have dared face you down? Dick Cheney? Malala,
Speaker 4: I love Malala.
Speaker 1: Oh here's here's a good one.
Speaker 3: Give us the range of chimpanzee behavior from dressing up
Speaker 3: like us and playing the cymbals to biting that woman's
Speaker 3: face off.
Speaker 1: What's the full range?
Speaker 4: Okay?
Speaker 9: Uh?
Speaker 4: Like Jack Hannah Jane Goodall.
Speaker 1: I'm so bad at this. That'll that'll be it. But
Speaker 1: that all right?
Speaker 4: Hey, did you ever have on that guy? Remember that
Speaker 4: dude that threw his shoes at George W. Bush?
Speaker 1: Did he do the circuit?
Speaker 4: I don't remember, no, honestly. Like I'm a big fan
Speaker 4: of so many comedians who work at the craft. But
Speaker 4: the funniest thing that's ever happened on television in my
Speaker 4: life was that guy shoe. And you saw this weird
Speaker 4: look in Bush's eyes where he's like, oh, we're playing
Speaker 4: shoes like he knew, like he knew it as a game.
Speaker 1: He went he immediately went it was coming anyone.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, like he went down. That's a dude, and like, listen,
Speaker 4: we both have our problems with him. But that guy
Speaker 4: could duck shoes and he you were clearly. What it
Speaker 4: said to us was, this isn't the first time someone
Speaker 4: thrown both of the sho Did he end up? I
Speaker 4: did that at rehab once in group you you did
Speaker 4: the George shoe bed. There was this guy that blamed
Speaker 4: his wife for everything. And I said, as not as
Speaker 4: a joke. The rest of the room thought it as
Speaker 4: a joke. I was like, if you do that again,
Speaker 4: I'm going if you don't get into your responsibility and take,
Speaker 4: you know, some responsibility for what you did, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: throw my shoes at you like that guy did at
Speaker 4: George W. Bush, big laughing group. The guy did it again.
Speaker 4: One shoe, right yeah. That guy's still sober, is he really?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 4: And it was the second shoe that the fear of
Speaker 4: the second shoe.
Speaker 3: Do you remember in a rock Did that guy have
Speaker 3: one more shoe in the chamber or did he got these?
Speaker 3: I think he emptied both chambers.
Speaker 4: Two shoes, right yeah, And I'm guessing slip ons. Though
Speaker 4: I never inspected.
Speaker 3: Them, they appeared to be slip ons. They need not
Speaker 3: to be perfectly Frank did not seem to be the heaviest,
Speaker 3: most structured shoes.
Speaker 1: They seemed to be.
Speaker 4: It was a loose shoe.
Speaker 1: That's that's no question. I'm so happy to see you.
Speaker 4: It's so happy to see mister John. Let me go.
Speaker 1: Everybody do it on Netflix the way, go on mix
Speaker 1: and whatever. Tour from Tom the Lady dot com, Don
Speaker 1: laans or go right not cover the nights before we
Speaker 1: got We're gonna che him with for the rest of
Speaker 1: the week.
Speaker 3: Jordan Clotberg, Jordan, Jordan, Yes, what's on What's on deck
Speaker 3: for this week? O?
Speaker 4: Two words? John Trump Mobile.
Speaker 8: Today the Trump family announced their starting their very own
Speaker 8: mobile phone company, and experts are saying this new phone
Speaker 8: could completely revolutionize the way dumb dumbs get scammed out
Speaker 8: of money.
Speaker 1: Needless to say, I got one. This is true? Is
Speaker 1: this a good use of the president's time? Oh?
Speaker 8: Of course it is, John, That's what MAGA voted for.
Speaker 8: A president with the same LinkedIn page as Ryan Reynolds.
Speaker 3: So he's not gonna be trying to find a solution
Speaker 3: around Israel World.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, he's got a solution.
Speaker 8: The two sides won't be fighting once they discover the
Speaker 8: smooth taste of Trump Tequila one zip and it's so
Speaker 8: long Middle East. Hello, Margaritaville.
Speaker 3: Don't I don't think tequila is going to be enough
Speaker 3: at this point.
Speaker 8: Why it has has gotten bad? I haven't checked the news,
Speaker 8: My my Trump funk gainst zero bar.
Speaker 1: Jordan, Jordan clipp For everybody here it is.
Speaker 4: Your moment is off.
Speaker 7: Let me tell you you're gonna see something.
Speaker 4: This is not an Apple parade.
Speaker 7: This is a full on military parade US Army on
Speaker 7: demonstration through the years. You're in for something special. Because
Speaker 7: America's special and we deserve it. We should celebrate it
Speaker 7: and now apologize for it. This parade's gonna be awesome.
Speaker 1: Take that, haters.
Speaker 7: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 7: searching The.
Speaker 1: Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily
Speaker 1: Show week nights at eleven.
Speaker 8: Ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full episode at
Speaker 8: any time on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast